DAVIDCOPPERFIELDbyCHARLESDICKENSAFFECTIONATELYINSCRIBEDTOTHEHON.Mr.ANDMrs.RICHARDWATSON,OFROCKINGHAM,NORTHAMPTONSHIRE.PREFACETO1850EDITIONIdonotfinditeasytogetsufficientlyfarawayfromthisBook,inthefirstsensationsofhavingfinishedit,torefertoitwiththecomposurewhichthisformalheadingwouldseemtorequire.Myinterestinit,issorecentandstrong;andmymindissodividedbetweenpleasureandregret-pleasureintheachievementofalongdesign,regretintheseparationfrommanycompanions-thatIamindangerofwearyingthereaderwhomIlove,withpersonalconfidences,andprivateemotions.Besideswhich,allthatIcouldsayoftheStory,toanypurpose,
Ihaveendeavouredtosayinit.Itwouldconcernthereaderlittle,perhaps,toknow,howsorrowfullythepenislaiddownatthecloseofatwo-years'imaginativetask;orhowanAuthorfeelsasifheweredismissingsomeportionofhimselfintotheshadowyworld,whenacrowdofthecreaturesofhisbrainaregoingfromhimforever.Yet,Ihavenothingelsetotell;unless,indeed,Iweretoconfess(whichmightbeoflessmomentstill)thatnoonecaneverbelievethisNarrative,inthereading,morethanIhavebelieveditinthewriting.Insteadoflookingback,therefore,Iwilllookforward.IcannotclosethisVolumemoreagreeablytomyself,thanwithahopefulglancetowardsthetimewhenIshallagainputforthmytwogreenleavesonceamonth,andwithafaithfulremembranceofthegenialsunandshowersthathavefallenontheseleavesofDavidCopperfield,andmademehappy.London,October,1850.PREFACETOTHECHARLESDICKENSEDITION
IREMARKEDintheoriginalPrefacetothisBook,thatIdidnotfinditeasytogetsufficientlyfarawayfromit,inthefirstsensationsofhavingfinishedit,torefertoitwiththecomposurewhichthisformalheadingwouldseemtorequire.Myinterestinitwassorecentandstrong,andmymindwassodividedbetweenpleasureandregret-pleasureintheachievementofalongdesign,regretintheseparationfrommanycompanions-thatIwasindangerofwearyingthereaderwithpersonalconfidencesandprivateemotions.Besideswhich,allthatIcouldhavesaidoftheStorytoanypurpose,Ihadendeavouredtosayinit.Itwouldconcernthereaderlittle,perhaps,toknowhowsorrowfullythepenislaiddownatthecloseofatwo-years'imaginativetask;orhowanAuthorfeelsasifheweredismissingsomeportionofhimselfintotheshadowyworld,whenacrowdofthecreaturesofhisbrainaregoingfromhimforever.Yet,Ihadnothingelsetotell;unless,indeed,Iweretoconfess(whichmightbeoflessmomentstill),thatnoonecaneverbelievethisNarrative,inthereading,morethanIbelieveditinthewriting.
Sotruearetheseavowalsatthepresentday,thatIcannowonlytakethereaderintooneconfidencemore.Ofallmybooks,Ilikethisthebest.ItwillbeeasilybelievedthatIamafondparenttoeverychildofmyfancy,andthatnoonecaneverlovethatfamilyasdearlyasIlovethem.But,likemanyfondparents,Ihaveinmyheartofheartsafavouritechild.AndhisnameisDAVIDCOPPERFIELD.1869THEPERSONALHISTORYANDEXPERIENCEOFDAVIDCOPPERFIELDTHEYOUNGERCHAPTER1IAMBORNWhetherIshallturnouttobetheheroofmyownlife,orwhetherthatstationwillbeheldbyanybodyelse,thesepagesmustshow.Tobeginmylifewiththebeginningofmylife,IrecordthatIwasborn(asIhavebeeninformedandbelieve)onaFriday,attwelveo'clockatnight.Itwasremarkedthattheclockbegantostrike,
andIbegantocry,simultaneously.Inconsiderationofthedayandhourofmybirth,itwasdeclaredbythenurse,andbysomesagewomenintheneighbourhoodwhohadtakenalivelyinterestinmeseveralmonthsbeforetherewasanypossibilityofourbecomingpersonallyacquainted,first,thatIwasdestinedtobeunluckyinlife;andsecondly,thatIwasprivilegedtoseeghostsandspirits;boththesegiftsinevitablyattaching,astheybelieved,toallunluckyinfantsofeithergender,borntowardsthesmallhoursonaFridaynight.Ineedsaynothinghere,onthefirsthead,becausenothingcanshowbetterthanmyhistorywhetherthatpredictionwasverifiedorfalsifiedbytheresult.Onthesecondbranchofthequestion,Iwillonlyremark,thatunlessIranthroughthatpartofmyinheritancewhileIwasstillababy,Ihavenotcomeintoityet.ButIdonotatallcomplainofhavingbeenkeptoutofthisproperty;andifanybodyelseshouldbeinthepresentenjoymentofit,heisheartilywelcometokeepit.Iwasbornwithacaul,whichwasadvertisedforsale,inthenewspapers,atthelowpriceoffifteenguineas.Whethersea-goingpeoplewereshortofmoneyaboutthattime,orwereshortoffaith
andpreferredcorkjackets,Idon'tknow;allIknowis,thattherewasbutonesolitarybidding,andthatwasfromanattorneyconnectedwiththebill-brokingbusiness,whoofferedtwopoundsincash,andthebalanceinsherry,butdeclinedtobeguaranteedfromdrowningonanyhigherbargain.Consequentlytheadvertisementwaswithdrawnatadeadloss-forastosherry,mypoordearmother'sownsherrywasinthemarketthen-andtenyearsafterwards,thecaulwasputupinaraffledowninourpartofthecountry,tofiftymembersathalf-a-crownahead,thewinnertospendfiveshillings.Iwaspresentmyself,andIremembertohavefeltquiteuncomfortableandconfused,atapartofmyselfbeingdisposedofinthatway.Thecaulwaswon,Irecollect,byanoldladywithahand-basket,who,veryreluctantly,producedfromitthestipulatedfiveshillings,allinhalfpence,andtwopencehalfpennyshort-asittookanimmensetimeandagreatwasteofarithmetic,toendeavourwithoutanyeffecttoprovetoher.Itisafactwhichwillbelongrememberedasremarkabledownthere,thatshewasneverdrowned,butdiedtriumphantlyinbed,atninety-two.Ihaveunderstoodthatitwas,tothelast,herproudestboast,thatsheneverhadbeenonthewaterinherlife,exceptuponabridge;andthatoverhertea(towhichshewasextremelypartial)she,tothelast,expressedherindignationattheimpietyofmarinersandothers,whohadthepresumptiontogo'meandering'abouttheworld.
Itwasinvaintorepresenttoherthatsomeconveniences,teaperhapsincluded,resultedfromthisobjectionablepractice.Shealwaysreturned,withgreateremphasisandwithaninstinctiveknowledgeofthestrengthofherobjection,'Letushavenomeandering.'Nottomeandermyself,atpresent,Iwillgobacktomybirth.IwasbornatBlunderstone,inSuffolk,or'thereby',astheysayinScotland.Iwasaposthumouschild.Myfather'seyeshadcloseduponthelightofthisworldsixmonths,whenmineopenedonit.Thereissomethingstrangetome,evennow,inthereflectionthatheneversawme;andsomethingstrangeryetintheshadowyremembrancethatIhaveofmyfirstchildishassociationswithhiswhitegrave-stoneinthechurchyard,andoftheindefinablecompassionIusedtofeelforitlyingoutalonethereinthedarknight,whenourlittleparlourwaswarmandbrightwithfireandcandle,andthedoorsofourhousewere-almostcruelly,itseemedtomesometimes-boltedandlockedagainstit.Anauntofmyfather's,andconsequentlyagreat-auntofmine,ofwhomIshallhavemoretorelatebyandby,wastheprincipalmagnateofourfamily.MissTrotwood,orMissBetsey,asmypoor
motheralwayscalledher,whenshesufficientlyovercameherdreadofthisformidablepersonagetomentionheratall(whichwasseldom),hadbeenmarriedtoahusbandyoungerthanherself,whowasveryhandsome,exceptinthesenseofthehomelyadage,'handsomeis,thathandsomedoes'-forhewasstronglysuspectedofhavingbeatenMissBetsey,andevenofhavingonce,onadisputedquestionofsupplies,madesomehastybutdeterminedarrangementstothrowheroutofatwopairofstairs'window.TheseevidencesofanincompatibilityoftemperinducedMissBetseytopayhimoff,andeffectaseparationbymutualconsent.HewenttoIndiawithhiscapital,andthere,accordingtoawildlegendinourfamily,hewasonceseenridingonanelephant,incompanywithaBaboon;butIthinkitmusthavebeenaBaboo-oraBegum.Anyhow,fromIndiatidingsofhisdeathreachedhome,withintenyears.Howtheyaffectedmyaunt,nobodyknew;forimmediatelyupontheseparation,shetookhermaidennameagain,boughtacottageinahamletonthesea-coastalongwayoff,establishedherselfthereasasinglewomanwithoneservant,andwasunderstoodtolivesecluded,everafterwards,inaninflexibleretirement.Myfatherhadoncebeenafavouriteofhers,Ibelieve;butshewasmortallyaffrontedbyhismarriage,onthegroundthatmymother
was'awaxdoll'.Shehadneverseenmymother,butsheknewhertobenotyettwenty.MyfatherandMissBetseynevermetagain.Hewasdoublemymother'sagewhenhemarried,andofbutadelicateconstitution.Hediedayearafterwards,and,asIhavesaid,sixmonthsbeforeIcameintotheworld.Thiswasthestateofmatters,ontheafternoonof,whatImaybeexcusedforcalling,thateventfulandimportantFriday.Icanmakenoclaimthereforetohaveknown,atthattime,howmattersstood;ortohaveanyremembrance,foundedontheevidenceofmyownsenses,ofwhatfollows.Mymotherwassittingbythefire,butpoorlyinhealth,andverylowinspirits,lookingatitthroughhertears,anddespondingheavilyaboutherselfandthefatherlesslittlestranger,whowasalreadywelcomedbysomegrossesofpropheticpins,inadrawerupstairs,toaworldnotatallexcitedonthesubjectofhisarrival;mymother,Isay,wassittingbythefire,thatbright,windyMarchafternoon,verytimidandsad,andverydoubtfulofevercomingaliveoutofthetrialthatwasbeforeher,when,liftinghereyesasshedriedthem,tothewindowopposite,shesawastrangeladycomingupthegarden.
MYmotherhadasureforebodingatthesecondglance,thatitwasMissBetsey.Thesettingsunwasglowingonthestrangelady,overthegarden-fence,andshecamewalkinguptothedoorwithafellrigidityoffigureandcomposureofcountenancethatcouldhavebelongedtonobodyelse.Whenshereachedthehouse,shegaveanotherproofofheridentity.MyfatherhadoftenhintedthatsheseldomconductedherselflikeanyordinaryChristian;andnow,insteadofringingthebell,shecameandlookedinatthatidenticalwindow,pressingtheendofhernoseagainsttheglasstothatextent,thatmypoordearmotherusedtosayitbecameperfectlyflatandwhiteinamoment.Shegavemymothersuchaturn,thatIhavealwaysbeenconvincedIamindebtedtoMissBetseyforhavingbeenbornonaFriday.Mymotherhadleftherchairinheragitation,andgonebehinditinthecorner.MissBetsey,lookingroundtheroom,slowlyandinquiringly,beganontheotherside,andcarriedhereyeson,likeaSaracen'sHeadinaDutchclock,untiltheyreachedmymother.Thenshemadeafrownandagesturetomymother,likeonewhowasaccustomedtobeobeyed,tocomeandopenthedoor.Mymotherwent.
'Mrs.DavidCopperfield,Ithink,'saidMissBetsey;theemphasisreferring,perhaps,tomymother'smourningweeds,andhercondition.'Yes,'saidmymother,faintly.'MissTrotwood,'saidthevisitor.'Youhaveheardofher,Idaresay?'Mymotheransweredshehadhadthatpleasure.Andshehadadisagreeableconsciousnessofnotappearingtoimplythatithadbeenanoverpoweringpleasure.'Nowyouseeher,'saidMissBetsey.Mymotherbentherhead,andbeggedhertowalkin.Theywentintotheparlourmymotherhadcomefrom,thefireinthebestroomontheothersideofthepassagenotbeinglighted-nothavingbeenlighted,indeed,sincemyfather'sfuneral;andwhentheywerebothseated,andMissBetseysaidnothing,mymother,aftervainlytryingtorestrainherself,begantocry.'Ohtut,tut,tut!'saidMissBetsey,inahurry.'Don'tdothat!
Come,come!'Mymothercouldn'thelpitnotwithstanding,soshecrieduntilshehadhadhercryout.'Takeoffyourcap,child,'saidMissBetsey,'andletmeseeyou.'MYmotherwastoomuchafraidofhertorefusecompliancewiththisoddrequest,ifshehadanydispositiontodoso.Thereforeshedidasshewastold,anddiditwithsuchnervoushandsthatherhair(whichwasluxuriantandbeautiful)fellallaboutherface.'Why,blessmyheart!'exclaimedMissBetsey.'YouareaveryBaby!'Mymotherwas,nodoubt,unusuallyyouthfulinappearanceevenforheryears;shehungherhead,asifitwereherfault,poorthing,andsaid,sobbing,thatindeedshewasafraidshewasbutachildishwidow,andwouldbebutachildishmotherifshelived.Inashortpausewhichensued,shehadafancythatshefeltMissBetseytouchherhair,andthatwithnoungentlehand;but,lookingather,inhertimidhope,shefoundthatladysittingwiththeskirtofherdresstuckedup,herhandsfoldedononeknee,andher
feetuponthefender,frowningatthefire.'InthenameofHeaven,'saidMissBetsey,suddenly,'whyRookery?''Doyoumeanthehouse,ma'am?'askedmymother.'WhyRookery?'saidMissBetsey.'Cookerywouldhavebeenmoretothepurpose,ifyouhadhadanypracticalideasoflife,eitherofyou.''ThenamewasMr.Copperfield'schoice,'returnedmymother.'Whenheboughtthehouse,helikedtothinkthattherewererooksaboutit.'Theeveningwindmadesuchadisturbancejustnow,amongsometalloldelm-treesatthebottomofthegarden,thatneithermymothernorMissBetseycouldforbearglancingthatway.Astheelmsbenttooneanother,likegiantswhowerewhisperingsecrets,andafterafewsecondsofsuchrepose,fellintoaviolentflurry,tossingtheirwildarmsabout,asiftheirlateconfidenceswerereallytoowickedfortheirpeaceofmind,someweatherbeatenraggedoldrooks'-nests,burdeningtheirhigherbranches,swunglikewrecksuponastormysea.
'Wherearethebirds?'askedMissBetsey.'The-?'Mymotherhadbeenthinkingofsomethingelse.'Therooks-whathasbecomeofthem?'askedMissBetsey.'Therehavenotbeenanysincewehavelivedhere,'saidmymother.'Wethought-Mr.Copperfieldthought-itwasquitealargerookery;butthenestswereveryoldones,andthebirdshavedesertedthemalongwhile.''DavidCopperfieldallover!'criedMissBetsey.'DavidCopperfieldfromheadtofoot!Callsahousearookerywhenthere'snotarooknearit,andtakesthebirdsontrust,becauseheseesthenests!''Mr.Copperfield,'returnedmymother,'isdead,andifyoudaretospeakunkindlyofhimtome-'Mypoordearmother,Isuppose,hadsomemomentaryintentionofcommittinganassaultandbatteryuponmyaunt,whocouldeasilyhavesettledherwithonehand,evenifmymotherhadbeeninfar
bettertrainingforsuchanencounterthanshewasthatevening.Butitpassedwiththeactionofrisingfromherchair;andshesatdownagainverymeekly,andfainted.Whenshecametoherself,orwhenMissBetseyhadrestoredher,whicheveritwas,shefoundthelatterstandingatthewindow.Thetwilightwasbythistimeshadingdownintodarkness;anddimlyastheysaweachother,theycouldnothavedonethatwithouttheaidofthefire.'Well?'saidMissBetsey,comingbacktoherchair,asifshehadonlybeentakingacasuallookattheprospect;'andwhendoyouexpect-''Iamallinatremble,'falteredmymother.'Idon'tknowwhat'sthematter.Ishalldie,Iamsure!''No,no,no,'saidMissBetsey.'Havesometea.''Ohdearme,dearme,doyouthinkitwilldomeanygood?'criedmymotherinahelplessmanner.'Ofcourseitwill,'saidMissBetsey.'It'snothingbutfancy.
Whatdoyoucallyourgirl?''Idon'tknowthatitwillbeagirl,yet,ma'am,'saidmymotherinnocently.'BlesstheBaby!'exclaimedMissBetsey,unconsciouslyquotingthesecondsentimentofthepincushioninthedrawerupstairs,butapplyingittomymotherinsteadofme,'Idon'tmeanthat.Imeanyourservant-girl.''Peggotty,'saidmymother.'Peggotty!'repeatedMissBetsey,withsomeindignation.'Doyoumeantosay,child,thatanyhumanbeinghasgoneintoaChristianchurch,andgotherselfnamedPeggotty?''It'shersurname,'saidmymother,faintly.'Mr.Copperfieldcalledherbyit,becauseherChristiannamewasthesameasmine.''Here!Peggotty!'criedMissBetsey,openingtheparlourdoor.'Tea.Yourmistressisalittleunwell.Don'tdawdle.'Havingissuedthismandatewithasmuchpotentialityasifshehadbeenarecognizedauthorityinthehouseeversinceithadbeena
house,andhavinglookedouttoconfronttheamazedPeggottycomingalongthepassagewithacandleatthesoundofastrangevoice,MissBetseyshutthedooragain,andsatdownasbefore:withherfeetonthefender,theskirtofherdresstuckedup,andherhandsfoldedononeknee.'Youwerespeakingaboutitsbeingagirl,'saidMissBetsey.'Ihavenodoubtitwillbeagirl.Ihaveapresentimentthatitmustbeagirl.Nowchild,fromthemomentofthebirthofthisgirl-''Perhapsboy,'mymothertookthelibertyofputtingin.'ItellyouIhaveapresentimentthatitmustbeagirl,'returnedMissBetsey.'Don'tcontradict.Fromthemomentofthisgirl'sbirth,child,Iintendtobeherfriend.Iintendtobehergodmother,andIbegyou'llcallherBetseyTrotwoodCopperfield.TheremustbenomistakesinlifewithTHISBetseyTrotwood.TheremustbenotriflingwithHERaffections,poordear.Shemustbewellbroughtup,andwellguardedfromreposinganyfoolishconfidenceswheretheyarenotdeserved.ImustmakethatMYcare.'
TherewasatwitchofMissBetsey'shead,aftereachofthesesentences,asifherownoldwrongswereworkingwithinher,andsherepressedanyplainerreferencetothembystrongconstraint.Somymothersuspected,atleast,assheobservedherbythelowglimmerofthefire:toomuchscaredbyMissBetsey,toouneasyinherself,andtoosubduedandbewilderedaltogether,toobserveanythingveryclearly,ortoknowwhattosay.'AndwasDavidgoodtoyou,child?'askedMissBetsey,whenshehadbeensilentforalittlewhile,andthesemotionsofherheadhadgraduallyceased.'Wereyoucomfortabletogether?''Wewereveryhappy,'saidmymother.'Mr.Copperfieldwasonlytoogoodtome.''What,hespoiltyou,Isuppose?'returnedMissBetsey.'Forbeingquitealoneanddependentonmyselfinthisroughworldagain,yes,Ifearhedidindeed,'sobbedmymother.'Well!Don'tcry!'saidMissBetsey.'Youwerenotequallymatched,child-ifanytwopeoplecanbeequallymatched-andsoIaskedthequestion.Youwereanorphan,weren'tyou?'
'Yes.''Andagoverness?''Iwasnursery-governessinafamilywhereMr.Copperfieldcametovisit.Mr.Copperfieldwasverykindtome,andtookagreatdealofnoticeofme,andpaidmeagooddealofattention,andatlastproposedtome.AndIacceptedhim.Andsoweweremarried,'saidmymothersimply.'Ha!PoorBaby!'musedMissBetsey,withherfrownstillbentuponthefire.'Doyouknowanything?''Ibegyourpardon,ma'am,'falteredmymother.'Aboutkeepinghouse,forinstance,'saidMissBetsey.'Notmuch,Ifear,'returnedmymother.'NotsomuchasIcouldwish.ButMr.Copperfieldwasteachingme-'('Muchheknewaboutithimself!')saidMissBetseyinaparenthesis.
-'AndIhopeIshouldhaveimproved,beingveryanxioustolearn,andheverypatienttoteachme,ifthegreatmisfortuneofhisdeath'-mymotherbrokedownagainhere,andcouldgetnofarther.'Well,well!'saidMissBetsey.-'Ikeptmyhousekeeping-bookregularly,andbalanceditwithMr.Copperfieldeverynight,'criedmymotherinanotherburstofdistress,andbreakingdownagain.'Well,well!'saidMissBetsey.'Don'tcryanymore.'-'AndIamsureweneverhadawordofdifferencerespectingit,exceptwhenMr.Copperfieldobjectedtomythreesandfivesbeingtoomuchlikeeachother,ortomyputtingcurlytailstomysevensandnines,'resumedmymotherinanotherburst,andbreakingdownagain.'You'llmakeyourselfill,'saidMissBetsey,'andyouknowthatwillnotbegoodeitherforyouorformygod-daughter.Come!Youmustn'tdoit!'Thisargumenthadsomeshareinquietingmymother,thoughher
increasingindispositionhadalargerone.Therewasanintervalofsilence,onlybrokenbyMissBetsey'soccasionallyejaculating'Ha!'asshesatwithherfeetuponthefender.'Davidhadboughtanannuityforhimselfwithhismoney,Iknow,'saidshe,byandby.'Whatdidhedoforyou?''Mr.Copperfield,'saidmymother,answeringwithsomedifficulty,'wassoconsiderateandgoodastosecurethereversionofapartofittome.''Howmuch?'askedMissBetsey.'Ahundredandfivepoundsayear,'saidmymother.'Hemighthavedoneworse,'saidmyaunt.Thewordwasappropriatetothemoment.MymotherwassomuchworsethatPeggotty,cominginwiththeteaboardandcandles,andseeingataglancehowillshewas,-asMissBetseymighthavedonesooneriftherehadbeenlightenough,-conveyedherupstairstoherownroomwithallspeed;andimmediatelydispatchedHamPeggotty,hernephew,whohadbeenforsomedayspastsecretedin
thehouse,unknowntomymother,asaspecialmessengerincaseofemergency,tofetchthenurseanddoctor.Thosealliedpowerswereconsiderablyastonished,whentheyarrivedwithinafewminutesofeachother,tofindanunknownladyofportentousappearance,sittingbeforethefire,withherbonnettiedoverherleftarm,stoppingherearswithjewellers'cotton.Peggottyknowingnothingabouther,andmymothersayingnothingabouther,shewasquiteamysteryintheparlour;andthefactofherhavingamagazineofjewellers'cottoninherpocket,andstickingthearticleinherearsinthatway,didnotdetractfromthesolemnityofherpresence.Thedoctorhavingbeenupstairsandcomedownagain,andhavingsatisfiedhimself,Isuppose,thattherewasaprobabilityofthisunknownladyandhimselfhavingtositthere,facetoface,forsomehours,laidhimselfouttobepoliteandsocial.Hewasthemeekestofhissex,themildestoflittlemen.Hesidledinandoutofaroom,totakeupthelessspace.HewalkedassoftlyastheGhostinHamlet,andmoreslowly.Hecarriedhisheadononeside,partlyinmodestdepreciationofhimself,partlyinmodestpropitiationofeverybodyelse.Itisnothingtosaythathehadn'tawordtothrowatadog.Hecouldn'thavethrownawordat
amaddog.Hemighthaveofferedhimonegently,orhalfaone,orafragmentofone;forhespokeasslowlyashewalked;buthewouldn'thavebeenrudetohim,andhecouldn'thavebeenquickwithhim,foranyearthlyconsideration.Mr.Chillip,lookingmildlyatmyauntwithhisheadononeside,andmakingheralittlebow,said,inallusiontothejewellers'cotton,ashesoftlytouchedhisleftear:'Somelocalirritation,ma'am?''What!'repliedmyaunt,pullingthecottonoutofoneearlikeacork.Mr.Chillipwassoalarmedbyherabruptness-ashetoldmymotherafterwards-thatitwasamercyhedidn'tlosehispresenceofmind.Butherepeatedsweetly:'Somelocalirritation,ma'am?''Nonsense!'repliedmyaunt,andcorkedherselfagain,atoneblow.Mr.Chillipcoulddonothingafterthis,butsitandlookather
feebly,asshesatandlookedatthefire,untilhewascalledupstairsagain.Aftersomequarterofanhour'sabsence,hereturned.'Well?'saidmyaunt,takingthecottonoutoftheearnearesttohim.'Well,ma'am,'returnedMr.Chillip,'weare-weareprogressingslowly,ma'am.''Ba--a--ah!'saidmyaunt,withaperfectshakeonthecontemptuousinterjection.Andcorkedherselfasbefore.Really-really-asMr.Chilliptoldmymother,hewasalmostshocked;speakinginaprofessionalpointofviewalone,hewasalmostshocked.Buthesatandlookedather,notwithstanding,fornearlytwohours,asshesatlookingatthefire,untilhewasagaincalledout.Afteranotherabsence,heagainreturned.'Well?'saidmyaunt,takingoutthecottononthatsideagain.'Well,ma'am,'returnedMr.Chillip,'weare-weareprogressing
slowly,ma'am.''Ya--a--ah!'saidmyaunt.Withsuchasnarlathim,thatMr.Chillipabsolutelycouldnotbearit.Itwasreallycalculatedtobreakhisspirit,hesaidafterwards.Hepreferredtogoandsituponthestairs,inthedarkandastrongdraught,untilhewasagainsentfor.HamPeggotty,whowenttothenationalschool,andwasaverydragonathiscatechism,andwhomaythereforeberegardedasacrediblewitness,reportednextday,thathappeningtopeepinattheparlour-dooranhourafterthis,hewasinstantlydescriedbyMissBetsey,thenwalkingtoandfroinastateofagitation,andpounceduponbeforehecouldmakehisescape.Thattherewerenowoccasionalsoundsoffeetandvoicesoverheadwhichheinferredthecottondidnotexclude,fromthecircumstanceofhisevidentlybeingclutchedbytheladyasavictimonwhomtoexpendhersuperabundantagitationwhenthesoundswereloudest.That,marchinghimconstantlyupanddownbythecollar(asifhehadbeentakingtoomuchlaudanum),she,atthosetimes,shookhim,rumpledhishair,madelightofhislinen,stoppedhisearsasifsheconfoundedthemwithherown,andotherwisetousledandmaltreatedhim.Thiswasinpartconfirmedbyhisaunt,whosaw
himathalfpasttwelveo'clock,soonafterhisrelease,andaffirmedthathewasthenasredasIwas.ThemildMr.Chillipcouldnotpossiblybearmaliceatsuchatime,ifatanytime.Hesidledintotheparlourassoonashewasatliberty,andsaidtomyauntinhismeekestmanner:'Well,ma'am,Iamhappytocongratulateyou.''Whatupon?'saidmyaunt,sharply.Mr.Chillipwasflutteredagain,bytheextremeseverityofmyaunt'smanner;sohemadeheralittlebowandgaveheralittlesmile,tomollifyher.'Mercyontheman,what'shedoing!'criedmyaunt,impatiently.'Can'thespeak?''Becalm,mydearma'am,'saidMr.Chillip,inhissoftestaccents.'Thereisnolongeranyoccasionforuneasiness,ma'am.Becalm.'Ithassincebeenconsideredalmostamiraclethatmyauntdidn't
shakehim,andshakewhathehadtosay,outofhim.Sheonlyshookherownheadathim,butinawaythatmadehimquail.'Well,ma'am,'resumedMr.Chillip,assoonashehadcourage,'Iamhappytocongratulateyou.Allisnowover,ma'am,andwellover.'DuringthefiveminutesorsothatMr.Chillipdevotedtothedeliveryofthisoration,myaunteyedhimnarrowly.'Howisshe?'saidmyaunt,foldingherarmswithherbonnetstilltiedononeofthem.'Well,ma'am,shewillsoonbequitecomfortable,Ihope,'returnedMr.Chillip.'Quiteascomfortableaswecanexpectayoungmothertobe,underthesemelancholydomesticcircumstances.Therecannotbeanyobjectiontoyourseeingherpresently,ma'am.Itmaydohergood.''AndSHE.HowisSHE?'saidmyaunt,sharply.Mr.Chilliplaidhisheadalittlemoreononeside,andlookedatmyauntlikeanamiablebird.
'Thebaby,'saidmyaunt.'Howisshe?''Ma'am,'returnedMr.Chillip,'Iapprehendedyouhadknown.It'saboy.'Myauntsaidneveraword,buttookherbonnetbythestrings,inthemannerofasling,aimedablowatMr.Chillip'sheadwithit,putitonbent,walkedout,andnevercameback.Shevanishedlikeadiscontentedfairy;orlikeoneofthosesupernaturalbeings,whomitwaspopularlysupposedIwasentitledtosee;andnevercamebackanymore.No.Ilayinmybasket,andmymotherlayinherbed;butBetseyTrotwoodCopperfieldwasforeverinthelandofdreamsandshadows,thetremendousregionwhenceIhadsolatelytravelled;andthelightuponthewindowofourroomshoneoutupontheearthlybourneofallsuchtravellers,andthemoundabovetheashesandthedustthatoncewashe,withoutwhomIhadneverbeen.CHAPTER2IOBSERVE
Thefirstobjectsthatassumeadistinctpresencebeforeme,asIlookfarback,intotheblankofmyinfancy,aremymotherwithherprettyhairandyouthfulshape,andPeggottywithnoshapeatall,andeyessodarkthattheyseemedtodarkentheirwholeneighbourhoodinherface,andcheeksandarmssohardandredthatIwonderedthebirdsdidn'tpeckherinpreferencetoapples.IbelieveIcanrememberthesetwoatalittledistanceapart,dwarfedtomysightbystoopingdownorkneelingonthefloor,andIgoingunsteadilyfromtheonetotheother.IhaveanimpressiononmymindwhichIcannotdistinguishfromactualremembrance,ofthetouchofPeggotty'sforefingerassheusedtoholditouttome,andofitsbeingroughenedbyneedlework,likeapocketnutmeg-grater.Thismaybefancy,thoughIthinkthememoryofmostofuscangofartherbackintosuchtimesthanmanyofussuppose;justasIbelievethepowerofobservationinnumbersofveryyoungchildrentobequitewonderfulforitsclosenessandaccuracy.Indeed,Ithinkthatmostgrownmenwhoareremarkableinthisrespect,maywithgreaterproprietybesaidnottohavelostthefaculty,than
tohaveacquiredit;therather,asIgenerallyobservesuchmentoretainacertainfreshness,andgentleness,andcapacityofbeingpleased,whicharealsoaninheritancetheyhavepreservedfromtheirchildhood.ImighthaveamisgivingthatIam'meandering'instoppingtosaythis,butthatitbringsmetoremarkthatIbuildtheseconclusions,inpartuponmyownexperienceofmyself;andifitshouldappearfromanythingImaysetdowninthisnarrativethatIwasachildofcloseobservation,orthatasamanIhaveastrongmemoryofmychildhood,Iundoubtedlylayclaimtobothofthesecharacteristics.Lookingback,asIwassaying,intotheblankofmyinfancy,thefirstobjectsIcanrememberasstandingoutbythemselvesfromaconfusionofthings,aremymotherandPeggotty.WhatelsedoIremember?Letmesee.Therecomesoutofthecloud,ourhouse-notnewtome,butquitefamiliar,initsearliestremembrance.Ontheground-floorisPeggotty'skitchen,openingintoabackyard;withapigeon-houseonapole,inthecentre,withoutanypigeonsinit;agreatdog-
kennelinacorner,withoutanydog;andaquantityoffowlsthatlookterriblytalltome,walkingabout,inamenacingandferociousmanner.Thereisonecockwhogetsuponaposttocrow,andseemstotakeparticularnoticeofmeasIlookathimthroughthekitchenwindow,whomakesmeshiver,heissofierce.Ofthegeeseoutsidetheside-gatewhocomewaddlingaftermewiththeirlongnecksstretchedoutwhenIgothatway,Idreamatnight:asamanenvironedbywildbeastsmightdreamoflions.Hereisalongpassage-whatanenormousperspectiveImakeofit!-leadingfromPeggotty'skitchentothefrontdoor.Adarkstore-roomopensoutofit,andthatisaplacetoberunpastatnight;forIdon'tknowwhatmaybeamongthosetubsandjarsandoldtea-chests,whenthereisnobodyintherewithadimly-burninglight,lettingamouldyaircomeoutofthedoor,inwhichthereisthesmellofsoap,pickles,pepper,candles,andcoffee,allatonewhiff.Thentherearethetwoparlours:theparlourinwhichwesitofanevening,mymotherandIandPeggotty-forPeggottyisquiteourcompanion,whenherworkisdoneandwearealone-andthebestparlourwherewesitonaSunday;grandly,butnotsocomfortably.Thereissomethingofadolefulairaboutthatroomtome,forPeggottyhastoldme-Idon'tknowwhen,butapparentlyagesago-aboutmyfather'sfuneral,andthecompanyhavingtheir
blackcloaksputon.OneSundaynightmymotherreadstoPeggottyandmeinthere,howLazaruswasraisedupfromthedead.AndIamsofrightenedthattheyareafterwardsobligedtotakemeoutofbed,andshowmethequietchurchyardoutofthebedroomwindow,withthedeadalllyingintheirgravesatrest,belowthesolemnmoon.ThereisnothinghalfsogreenthatIknowanywhere,asthegrassofthatchurchyard;nothinghalfsoshadyasitstrees;nothinghalfsoquietasitstombstones.Thesheeparefeedingthere,whenIkneelup,earlyinthemorning,inmylittlebedinaclosetwithinmymother'sroom,tolookoutatit;andIseetheredlightshiningonthesun-dial,andthinkwithinmyself,'Isthesun-dialglad,Iwonder,thatitcantellthetimeagain?'Hereisourpewinthechurch.Whatahigh-backedpew!Withawindownearit,outofwhichourhousecanbeseen,andISseenmanytimesduringthemorning'sservice,byPeggotty,wholikestomakeherselfassureasshecanthatit'snotbeingrobbed,orisnotinflames.ButthoughPeggotty'seyewanders,sheismuchoffendedifminedoes,andfrownstome,asIstandupontheseat,thatIamtolookattheclergyman.ButIcan'talwayslookathim-Iknowhimwithoutthatwhitethingon,andIamafraidofhis
wonderingwhyIstareso,andperhapsstoppingtheservicetoinquire-andwhatamItodo?It'sadreadfulthingtogape,butImustdosomething.Ilookatmymother,butshepretendsnottoseeme.Ilookataboyintheaisle,andhemakesfacesatme.Ilookatthesunlightcominginattheopendoorthroughtheporch,andthereIseeastraysheep-Idon'tmeanasinner,butmutton-halfmakinguphismindtocomeintothechurch.IfeelthatifIlookedathimanylonger,Imightbetemptedtosaysomethingoutloud;andwhatwouldbecomeofmethen!Ilookupatthemonumentaltabletsonthewall,andtrytothinkofMr.Bodgerslateofthisparish,andwhatthefeelingsofMrs.Bodgersmusthavebeen,whenafflictionsore,longtimeMr.Bodgersbore,andphysicianswereinvain.IwonderwhethertheycalledinMr.Chillip,andhewasinvain;andifso,howhelikestoberemindedofitonceaweek.IlookfromMr.Chillip,inhisSundayneckcloth,tothepulpit;andthinkwhatagoodplaceitwouldbetoplayin,andwhatacastleitwouldmake,withanotherboycomingupthestairstoattackit,andhavingthevelvetcushionwiththetasselsthrowndownonhishead.Intimemyeyesgraduallyshutup;and,fromseemingtoheartheclergymansingingadrowsysongintheheat,Ihearnothing,untilIfallofftheseatwithacrash,andamtakenout,moredeadthanalive,byPeggotty.
AndnowIseetheoutsideofourhouse,withthelatticedbedroom-windowsstandingopentoletinthesweet-smellingair,andtheraggedoldrooks'-nestsstilldanglingintheelm-treesatthebottomofthefrontgarden.NowIaminthegardenattheback,beyondtheyardwheretheemptypigeon-houseanddog-kennelare-averypreserveofbutterflies,asIrememberit,withahighfence,andagateandpadlock;wherethefruitclustersonthetrees,riperandricherthanfruithaseverbeensince,inanyothergarden,andwheremymothergatherssomeinabasket,whileIstandby,boltingfurtivegooseberries,andtryingtolookunmoved.Agreatwindrises,andthesummerisgoneinamoment.Weareplayinginthewintertwilight,dancingabouttheparlour.Whenmymotherisoutofbreathandrestsherselfinanelbow-chair,Iwatchherwindingherbrightcurlsroundherfingers,andstraiteningherwaist,andnobodyknowsbetterthanIdothatshelikestolooksowell,andisproudofbeingsopretty.Thatisamongmyveryearliestimpressions.That,andasensethatwewerebothalittleafraidofPeggotty,andsubmittedourselvesinmostthingstoherdirection,wereamongthefirstopinions-iftheymaybesocalled-thatIeverderivedfromwhatIsaw.
PeggottyandIweresittingonenightbytheparlourfire,alone.IhadbeenreadingtoPeggottyaboutcrocodiles.Imusthavereadveryperspicuously,orthepoorsoulmusthavebeendeeplyinterested,forIremembershehadacloudyimpression,afterIhaddone,thattheywereasortofvegetable.Iwastiredofreading,anddeadsleepy;buthavingleave,asahightreat,tositupuntilmymothercamehomefromspendingtheeveningataneighbour's,Iwouldratherhavedieduponmypost(ofcourse)thanhavegonetobed.IhadreachedthatstageofsleepinesswhenPeggottyseemedtoswellandgrowimmenselylarge.Iproppedmyeyelidsopenwithmytwoforefingers,andlookedperseveringlyatherasshesatatwork;atthelittlebitofwax-candleshekeptforherthread-howolditlooked,beingsowrinkledinalldirections!-atthelittlehousewithathatchedroof,wheretheyard-measurelived;atherwork-boxwithaslidinglid,withaviewofSt.Paul'sCathedral(withapinkdome)paintedonthetop;atthebrassthimbleonherfinger;atherself,whomIthoughtlovely.Ifeltsosleepy,thatIknewifIlostsightofanythingforamoment,Iwasgone.'Peggotty,'saysI,suddenly,'wereyouevermarried?''Lord,MasterDavy,'repliedPeggotty.'What'sputmarriageinyourhead?'
Sheansweredwithsuchastart,thatitquiteawokeme.Andthenshestoppedinherwork,andlookedatme,withherneedledrawnouttoitsthread'slength.'ButWEREyouevermarried,Peggotty?'saysI.'Youareaveryhandsomewoman,an'tyou?'Ithoughtherinadifferentstylefrommymother,certainly;butofanotherschoolofbeauty,Iconsideredheraperfectexample.Therewasaredvelvetfootstoolinthebestparlour,onwhichmymotherhadpaintedanosegay.Theground-workofthatstool,andPeggotty'scomplexionappearedtometobeoneandthesamething.Thestoolwassmooth,andPeggottywasrough,butthatmadenodifference.'Mehandsome,Davy!'saidPeggotty.'Lawk,no,mydear!Butwhatputmarriageinyourhead?''Idon'tknow!-Youmustn'tmarrymorethanonepersonatatime,mayyou,Peggotty?''Certainlynot,'saysPeggotty,withthepromptestdecision.
'Butifyoumarryaperson,andthepersondies,whythenyoumaymarryanotherperson,mayn'tyou,Peggotty?''YOUMAY,'saysPeggotty,'ifyouchoose,mydear.That'samatterofopinion.''Butwhatisyouropinion,Peggotty?'saidI.Iaskedher,andlookedcuriouslyather,becauseshelookedsocuriouslyatme.'Myopinionis,'saidPeggotty,takinghereyesfromme,afteralittleindecisionandgoingonwithherwork,'thatIneverwasmarriedmyself,MasterDavy,andthatIdon'texpecttobe.That'sallIknowaboutthesubject.''Youan'tcross,Isuppose,Peggotty,areyou?'saidI,aftersittingquietforaminute.Ireallythoughtshewas,shehadbeensoshortwithme;butIwasquitemistaken:forshelaidasideherwork(whichwasastockingofherown),andopeningherarmswide,tookmycurlyheadwithin
them,andgaveitagoodsqueeze.Iknowitwasagoodsqueeze,because,beingveryplump,whenevershemadeanylittleexertionaftershewasdressed,someofthebuttonsonthebackofhergownflewoff.AndIrecollecttwoburstingtotheoppositesideoftheparlour,whileshewashuggingme.'NowletmehearsomemoreabouttheCrorkindills,'saidPeggotty,whowasnotquiterightinthenameyet,'forIan'theardhalfenough.'Icouldn'tquiteunderstandwhyPeggottylookedsoqueer,orwhyshewassoreadytogobacktothecrocodiles.However,wereturnedtothosemonsters,withfreshwakefulnessonmypart,andwelefttheireggsinthesandforthesuntohatch;andweranawayfromthem,andbaffledthembyconstantlyturning,whichtheywereunabletodoquickly,onaccountoftheirunwieldymake;andwewentintothewaterafterthem,asnatives,andputsharppiecesoftimberdowntheirthroats;andinshortweranthewholecrocodilegauntlet.Idid,atleast;butIhadmydoubtsofPeggotty,whowasthoughtfullystickingherneedleintovariouspartsofherfaceandarms,allthetime.Wehadexhaustedthecrocodiles,andbegunwiththealligators,
whenthegarden-bellrang.Wewentouttothedoor;andtherewasmymother,lookingunusuallypretty,Ithought,andwithheragentlemanwithbeautifulblackhairandwhiskers,whohadwalkedhomewithusfromchurchlastSunday.Asmymotherstoopeddownonthethresholdtotakemeinherarmsandkissme,thegentlemansaidIwasamorehighlyprivilegedlittlefellowthanamonarch-orsomethinglikethat;formylaterunderstandingcomes,Iamsensible,tomyaidhere.'Whatdoesthatmean?'Iaskedhim,overhershoulder.Hepattedmeonthehead;butsomehow,Ididn'tlikehimorhisdeepvoice,andIwasjealousthathishandshouldtouchmymother'sintouchingme-whichitdid.Iputitaway,aswellasIcould.'Oh,Davy!'remonstratedmymother.'Dearboy!'saidthegentleman.'Icannotwonderathisdevotion!'Ineversawsuchabeautifulcolouronmymother'sfacebefore.Shegentlychidmeforbeingrude;and,keepingmeclosetoher
shawl,turnedtothankthegentlemanfortakingsomuchtroubleastobringherhome.Sheputoutherhandtohimasshespoke,and,ashemetitwithhisown,sheglanced,Ithought,atme.'Letussay"goodnight",myfineboy,'saidthegentleman,whenhehadbenthishead-Isawhim!-overmymother'slittleglove.'Goodnight!'saidI.'Come!Letusbethebestfriendsintheworld!'saidthegentleman,laughing.'Shakehands!'Myrighthandwasinmymother'sleft,soIgavehimtheother.'Why,that'stheWronghand,Davy!'laughedthegentleman.MYmotherdrewmyrighthandforward,butIwasresolved,formyformerreason,nottogiveithim,andIdidnot.Igavehimtheother,andheshookitheartily,andsaidIwasabravefellow,andwentaway.AtthisminuteIseehimturnroundinthegarden,andgiveusalastlookwithhisill-omenedblackeyes,beforethedoorwasshut.
Peggotty,whohadnotsaidawordormovedafinger,securedthefasteningsinstantly,andweallwentintotheparlour.Mymother,contrarytoherusualhabit,insteadofcomingtotheelbow-chairbythefire,remainedattheotherendoftheroom,andsatsingingtoherself.-'Hopeyouhavehadapleasantevening,ma'am,'saidPeggotty,standingasstiffasabarrelinthecentreoftheroom,withacandlestickinherhand.'Muchobligedtoyou,Peggotty,'returnedmymother,inacheerfulvoice,'IhavehadaVERYpleasantevening.''Astrangerorsomakesanagreeablechange,'suggestedPeggotty.'Averyagreeablechange,indeed,'returnedmymother.Peggottycontinuingtostandmotionlessinthemiddleoftheroom,andmymotherresuminghersinging,Ifellasleep,thoughIwasnotsosoundasleepbutthatIcouldhearvoices,withouthearingwhattheysaid.WhenIhalfawokefromthisuncomfortabledoze,IfoundPeggottyandmymotherbothintears,andbothtalking.
'Notsuchaoneasthis,Mr.Copperfieldwouldn'thaveliked,'saidPeggotty.'ThatIsay,andthatIswear!''GoodHeavens!'criedmymother,'you'lldrivememad!Waseveranypoorgirlsoill-usedbyherservantsasIam!WhydoIdomyselftheinjusticeofcallingmyselfagirl?HaveIneverbeenmarried,Peggotty?''Godknowsyouhave,ma'am,'returnedPeggotty.'Then,howcanyoudare,'saidmymother-'youknowIdon'tmeanhowcanyoudare,Peggotty,buthowcanyouhavetheheart-tomakemesouncomfortableandsaysuchbitterthingstome,whenyouarewellawarethatIhaven't,outofthisplace,asinglefriendtoturnto?''Themore'sthereason,'returnedPeggotty,'forsayingthatitwon'tdo.No!Thatitwon'tdo.No!Nopricecouldmakeitdo.No!'-IthoughtPeggottywouldhavethrownthecandlestickaway,shewassoemphaticwithit.'Howcanyoubesoaggravating,'saidmymother,sheddingmoretearsthanbefore,'astotalkinsuchanunjustmanner!Howcan
yougoonasifitwasallsettledandarranged,Peggotty,whenItellyouoverandoveragain,youcruelthing,thatbeyondthecommonestcivilitiesnothinghaspassed!Youtalkofadmiration.WhatamItodo?Ifpeoplearesosillyastoindulgethesentiment,isitmyfault?WhatamItodo,Iaskyou?Wouldyouwishmetoshavemyheadandblackmyface,ordisfiguremyselfwithaburn,orascald,orsomethingofthatsort?Idaresayyouwould,Peggotty.Idaresayyou'dquiteenjoyit.'Peggottyseemedtotakethisaspersionverymuchtoheart,Ithought.'Andmydearboy,'criedmymother,comingtotheelbow-chairinwhichIwas,andcaressingme,'myownlittleDavy!IsittobehintedtomethatIamwantinginaffectionformyprecioustreasure,thedearestlittlefellowthateverwas!''Nobodyneverwentandhintednosuchathing,'saidPeggotty.'Youdid,Peggotty!'returnedmymother.'Youknowyoudid.Whatelsewasitpossibletoinferfromwhatyousaid,youunkindcreature,whenyouknowaswellasIdo,thatonhisaccountonlylastquarterIwouldn'tbuymyselfanewparasol,thoughthatold
greenoneisfrayedthewholewayup,andthefringeisperfectlymangy?Youknowitis,Peggotty.Youcan'tdenyit.'Then,turningaffectionatelytome,withhercheekagainstmine,'AmIanaughtymamatoyou,Davy?AmIanasty,cruel,selfish,badmama?SayIam,mychild;say"yes",dearboy,andPeggottywillloveyou;andPeggotty'sloveisagreatdealbetterthanmine,Davy.Idon'tloveyouatall,doI?'Atthis,weallfella-cryingtogether.IthinkIwastheloudestoftheparty,butIamsurewewereallsincereaboutit.Iwasquiteheart-brokenmyself,andamafraidthatinthefirsttransportsofwoundedtendernessIcalledPeggottya'Beast'.Thathonestcreaturewasindeepaffliction,Iremember,andmusthavebecomequitebuttonlessontheoccasion;foralittlevolleyofthoseexplosiveswentoff,when,afterhavingmadeitupwithmymother,shekneeleddownbytheelbow-chair,andmadeitupwithme.Wewenttobedgreatlydejected.Mysobskeptwakingme,foralongtime;andwhenoneverystrongsobquitehoistedmeupinbed,Ifoundmymothersittingonthecoverlet,andleaningoverme.Ifellasleepinherarms,afterthat,andsleptsoundly.
WhetheritwasthefollowingSundaywhenIsawthegentlemanagain,orwhethertherewasanygreaterlapseoftimebeforehereappeared,Icannotrecall.Idon'tprofesstobeclearaboutdates.Buttherehewas,inchurch,andhewalkedhomewithusafterwards.Hecamein,too,tolookatafamousgeraniumwehad,intheparlour-window.Itdidnotappeartomethathetookmuchnoticeofit,butbeforehewentheaskedmymothertogivehimabitoftheblossom.Shebeggedhimtochooseitforhimself,butherefusedtodothat-Icouldnotunderstandwhy-soshepluckeditforhim,andgaveitintohishand.Hesaidhewouldnever,neverpartwithitanymore;andIthoughthemustbequiteafoolnottoknowthatitwouldfalltopiecesinadayortwo.Peggottybegantobelesswithus,ofanevening,thanshehadalwaysbeen.Mymotherdeferredtoherverymuch-morethanusual,itoccurredtome-andwewereallthreeexcellentfriends;stillweweredifferentfromwhatweusedtobe,andwerenotsocomfortableamongourselves.SometimesIfanciedthatPeggottyperhapsobjectedtomymother'swearingalltheprettydressesshehadinherdrawers,ortohergoingsooftentovisitatthatneighbour's;butIcouldn't,tomysatisfaction,makeouthowitwas.
Gradually,Ibecameusedtoseeingthegentlemanwiththeblackwhiskers.Ilikedhimnobetterthanatfirst,andhadthesameuneasyjealousyofhim;butifIhadanyreasonforitbeyondachild'sinstinctivedislike,andageneralideathatPeggottyandIcouldmakemuchofmymotherwithoutanyhelp,itcertainlywasnotTHEreasonthatImighthavefoundifIhadbeenolder.Nosuchthingcameintomymind,ornearit.Icouldobserve,inlittlepieces,asitwere;butastomakinganetofanumberofthesepieces,andcatchinganybodyinit,thatwas,asyet,beyondme.OneautumnmorningIwaswithmymotherinthefrontgarden,whenMr.Murdstone-Iknewhimbythatnamenow-cameby,onhorseback.Hereineduphishorsetosalutemymother,andsaidhewasgoingtoLowestofttoseesomefriendswhoweretherewithayacht,andmerrilyproposedtotakemeonthesaddlebeforehimifIwouldliketheride.Theairwassoclearandpleasant,andthehorseseemedtoliketheideaoftheridesomuchhimself,ashestoodsnortingandpawingatthegarden-gate,thatIhadagreatdesiretogo.SoIwassentupstairstoPeggottytobemadespruce;andinthemeantimeMr.Murdstonedismounted,and,withhishorse'sbridledrawnoverhis
arm,walkedslowlyupanddownontheoutersideofthesweetbriarfence,whilemymotherwalkedslowlyupanddownontheinnertokeephimcompany.IrecollectPeggottyandIpeepingoutatthemfrommylittlewindow;Irecollecthowcloselytheyseemedtobeexaminingthesweetbriarbetweenthem,astheystrolledalong;andhow,frombeinginaperfectlyangelictemper,Peggottyturnedcrossinamoment,andbrushedmyhairthewrongway,excessivelyhard.Mr.MurdstoneandIweresoonoff,andtrottingalongonthegreenturfbythesideoftheroad.Heheldmequiteeasilywithonearm,andIdon'tthinkIwasrestlessusually;butIcouldnotmakeupmymindtositinfrontofhimwithoutturningmyheadsometimes,andlookingupinhisface.Hehadthatkindofshallowblackeye-Iwantabetterwordtoexpressaneyethathasnodepthinittobelookedinto-which,whenitisabstracted,seemsfromsomepeculiarityoflighttobedisfigured,foramomentatatime,byacast.SeveraltimeswhenIglancedathim,Iobservedthatappearancewithasortofawe,andwonderedwhathewasthinkingaboutsoclosely.Hishairandwhiskerswereblackerandthicker,lookedatsonear,thanevenIhadgiventhemcreditforbeing.Asquarenessaboutthelowerpartofhisface,andthedottedindicationofthestrongblackbeardheshavedcloseevery
day,remindedmeofthewax-workthathadtravelledintoourneighbourhoodsomehalf-a-yearbefore.This,hisregulareyebrows,andtherichwhite,andblack,andbrown,ofhiscomplexion-confoundhiscomplexion,andhismemory!-mademethinkhim,inspiteofmymisgivings,averyhandsomeman.Ihavenodoubtthatmypoordearmotherthoughthimsotoo.Wewenttoanhotelbythesea,wheretwogentlemenweresmokingcigarsinaroombythemselves.Eachofthemwaslyingonatleastfourchairs,andhadalargeroughjacketon.Inacornerwasaheapofcoatsandboat-cloaks,andaflag,allbundleduptogether.Theybothrolledontotheirfeetinanuntidysortofmanner,whenwecamein,andsaid,'Halloa,Murdstone!Wethoughtyouweredead!''Notyet,'saidMr.Murdstone.'Andwho'sthisshaver?'saidoneofthegentlemen,takingholdofme.'That'sDavy,'returnedMr.Murdstone.
'Davywho?'saidthegentleman.'Jones?''Copperfield,'saidMr.Murdstone.'What!BewitchingMrs.Copperfield'sencumbrance?'criedthegentleman.'Theprettylittlewidow?''Quinion,'saidMr.Murdstone,'takecare,ifyouplease.Somebody'ssharp.''Whois?'askedthegentleman,laughing.Ilookedup,quickly;beingcurioustoknow.'OnlyBrooksofSheffield,'saidMr.Murdstone.IwasquiterelievedtofindthatitwasonlyBrooksofSheffield;for,atfirst,IreallythoughtitwasI.ThereseemedtobesomethingverycomicalinthereputationofMr.BrooksofSheffield,forboththegentlemenlaughedheartilywhenhewasmentioned,andMr.Murdstonewasagooddealamusedalso.Aftersomelaughing,thegentlemanwhomhehadcalledQuinion,said:
'AndwhatistheopinionofBrooksofSheffield,inreferencetotheprojectedbusiness?''Why,Idon'tknowthatBrooksunderstandsmuchaboutitatpresent,'repliedMr.Murdstone;'butheisnotgenerallyfavourable,Ibelieve.'Therewasmorelaughteratthis,andMr.QuinionsaidhewouldringthebellforsomesherryinwhichtodrinktoBrooks.Thishedid;andwhenthewinecame,hemademehavealittle,withabiscuit,and,beforeIdrankit,standupandsay,'ConfusiontoBrooksofSheffield!'Thetoastwasreceivedwithgreatapplause,andsuchheartylaughterthatitmademelaughtoo;atwhichtheylaughedthemore.Inshort,wequiteenjoyedourselves.Wewalkedaboutonthecliffafterthat,andsatonthegrass,andlookedatthingsthroughatelescope-Icouldmakeoutnothingmyselfwhenitwasputtomyeye,butIpretendedIcould-andthenwecamebacktothehoteltoanearlydinner.Allthetimewewereout,thetwogentlemensmokedincessantly-which,Ithought,ifImightjudgefromthesmelloftheirroughcoats,theymusthavebeendoing,eversincethecoatshadfirstcomehomefromthe
tailor's.Imustnotforgetthatwewentonboardtheyacht,wheretheyallthreedescendedintothecabin,andwerebusywithsomepapers.Isawthemquitehardatwork,whenIlookeddownthroughtheopenskylight.Theyleftme,duringthistime,withaverynicemanwithaverylargeheadofredhairandaverysmallshinyhatuponit,whohadgotacross-barredshirtorwaistcoaton,with'Skylark'incapitallettersacrossthechest.Ithoughtitwashisname;andthatashelivedonboardshipandhadn'tastreetdoortoputhisnameon,heputitthereinstead;butwhenIcalledhimMr.Skylark,hesaiditmeantthevessel.IobservedalldaythatMr.Murdstonewasgraverandsteadierthanthetwogentlemen.Theywereverygayandcareless.Theyjokedfreelywithoneanother,butseldomwithhim.Itappearedtomethathewasmorecleverandcoldthantheywere,andthattheyregardedhimwithsomethingofmyownfeeling.Iremarkedthat,onceortwicewhenMr.Quinionwastalking,helookedatMr.Murdstonesideways,asiftomakesureofhisnotbeingdispleased;andthatoncewhenMr.Passnidge(theothergentleman)wasinhighspirits,hetroduponhisfoot,andgavehimasecretcautionwithhiseyes,toobserveMr.Murdstone,whowassittingsternandsilent.NordoIrecollectthatMr.Murdstonelaughedatallthatday,exceptattheSheffieldjoke-andthat,bytheby,washis
own.Wewenthomeearlyintheevening.Itwasaveryfineevening,andmymotherandhehadanotherstrollbythesweetbriar,whileIwassentintogetmytea.Whenhewasgone,mymotheraskedmeallaboutthedayIhadhad,andwhattheyhadsaidanddone.Imentionedwhattheyhadsaidabouther,andshelaughed,andtoldmetheywereimpudentfellowswhotalkednonsense-butIknewitpleasedher.IknewitquiteaswellasIknowitnow.ItooktheopportunityofaskingifshewasatallacquaintedwithMr.BrooksofSheffield,butsheansweredNo,onlyshesupposedhemustbeamanufacturerintheknifeandforkway.CanIsayofherface-alteredasIhavereasontorememberit,perishedasIknowitis-thatitisgone,whenhereitcomesbeforemeatthisinstant,asdistinctasanyfacethatImaychoosetolookoninacrowdedstreet?CanIsayofherinnocentandgirlishbeauty,thatitfaded,andwasnomore,whenitsbreathfallsonmycheeknow,asitfellthatnight?CanIsaysheeverchanged,whenmyremembrancebringsherbacktolife,thusonly;and,truertoitslovingyouththanIhavebeen,ormaneveris,stillholdsfastwhatitcherishedthen?
IwriteofherjustasshewaswhenIhadgonetobedafterthistalk,andshecametobidmegoodnight.Shekneeleddownplayfullybythesideofthebed,andlayingherchinuponherhands,andlaughing,said:'Whatwasittheysaid,Davy?Tellmeagain.Ican'tbelieveit.''"Bewitching-"'Ibegan.Mymotherputherhandsuponmylipstostopme.'Itwasneverbewitching,'shesaid,laughing.'Itnevercouldhavebeenbewitching,Davy.NowIknowitwasn't!''Yes,itwas."BewitchingMrs.Copperfield",'Irepeatedstoutly.'And,"pretty."''No,no,itwasneverpretty.Notpretty,'interposedmymother,layingherfingersonmylipsagain.'Yesitwas."Prettylittlewidow."''Whatfoolish,impudentcreatures!'criedmymother,laughingand
coveringherface.'Whatridiculousmen!An'tthey?Davydear-''Well,Ma.''Don'ttellPeggotty;shemightbeangrywiththem.Iamdreadfullyangrywiththemmyself;butIwouldratherPeggottydidn'tknow.'Ipromised,ofcourse;andwekissedoneanotheroverandoveragain,andIsoonfellfastasleep.Itseemstome,atthisdistanceoftime,asifitwerethenextdaywhenPeggottybroachedthestrikingandadventurouspropositionIamabouttomention;butitwasprobablyabouttwomonthsafterwards.Weweresittingasbefore,oneevening(whenmymotherwasoutasbefore),incompanywiththestockingandtheyard-measure,andthebitofwax,andtheboxwithSt.Paul'sonthelid,andthecrocodilebook,whenPeggotty,afterlookingatmeseveraltimes,andopeninghermouthasifsheweregoingtospeak,withoutdoingit-whichIthoughtwasmerelygaping,orIshouldhavebeenratheralarmed-saidcoaxingly:
'MasterDavy,howshouldyouliketogoalongwithmeandspendafortnightatmybrother'satYarmouth?Wouldn'tthatbeatreat?''Isyourbrotheranagreeableman,Peggotty?'Iinquired,provisionally.'Oh,whatanagreeablemanheis!'criedPeggotty,holdingupherhands.'Thenthere'sthesea;andtheboatsandships;andthefishermen;andthebeach;andAmtoplaywith-'PeggottymeanthernephewHam,mentionedinmyfirstchapter;butshespokeofhimasamorselofEnglishGrammar.Iwasflushedbyhersummaryofdelights,andrepliedthatitwouldindeedbeatreat,butwhatwouldmymothersay?'WhythenI'llasgoodasbetaguinea,'saidPeggotty,intentuponmyface,'thatshe'llletusgo.I'llaskher,ifyoulike,assoonasevershecomeshome.Therenow!''Butwhat'sshetodowhilewe'reaway?'saidI,puttingmysmallelbowsonthetabletoarguethepoint.'Shecan'tliveby
herself.'IfPeggottywerelookingforahole,allofasudden,intheheelofthatstocking,itmusthavebeenaverylittleoneindeed,andnotworthdarning.'Isay!Peggotty!Shecan'tlivebyherself,youknow.''Oh,blessyou!'saidPeggotty,lookingatmeagainatlast.'Don'tyouknow?She'sgoingtostayforafortnightwithMrs.Grayper.Mrs.Grayper'sgoingtohavealotofcompany.'Oh!Ifthatwasit,Iwasquitereadytogo.Iwaited,intheutmostimpatience,untilmymothercamehomefromMrs.Grayper's(foritwasthatidenticalneighbour),toascertainifwecouldgetleavetocarryoutthisgreatidea.WithoutbeingnearlysomuchsurprisedasIhadexpected,mymotherenteredintoitreadily;anditwasallarrangedthatnight,andmyboardandlodgingduringthevisitweretobepaidfor.Thedaysooncameforourgoing.Itwassuchanearlydaythatitcamesoon,eventome,whowasinafeverofexpectation,andhalfafraidthatanearthquakeorafierymountain,orsomeothergreat
convulsionofnature,mightinterposetostoptheexpedition.Weweretogoinacarrier'scart,whichdepartedinthemorningafterbreakfast.Iwouldhavegivenanymoneytohavebeenallowedtowrapmyselfupover-night,andsleepinmyhatandboots.Ittouchesmenearlynow,althoughItellitlightly,torecollecthoweagerIwastoleavemyhappyhome;tothinkhowlittleIsuspectedwhatIdidleaveforever.Iamgladtorecollectthatwhenthecarrier'scartwasatthegate,andmymotherstoodtherekissingme,agratefulfondnessforherandfortheoldplaceIhadneverturnedmybackuponbefore,mademecry.Iamgladtoknowthatmymothercriedtoo,andthatIfeltherheartbeatagainstmine.Iamgladtorecollectthatwhenthecarrierbegantomove,mymotherranoutatthegate,andcalledtohimtostop,thatshemightkissmeoncemore.Iamgladtodwellupontheearnestnessandlovewithwhichsheliftedupherfacetomine,anddidso.Asweleftherstandingintheroad,Mr.Murdstonecameuptowhereshewas,andseemedtoexpostulatewithherforbeingsomoved.Iwaslookingbackroundtheawningofthecart,andwonderedwhat
businessitwasofhis.Peggotty,whowasalsolookingbackontheotherside,seemedanythingbutsatisfied;asthefaceshebroughtbackinthecartdenoted.IsatlookingatPeggottyforsometime,inareverieonthissupposititiouscase:whether,ifshewereemployedtolosemeliketheboyinthefairytale,Ishouldbeabletotrackmywayhomeagainbythebuttonsshewouldshed.CHAPTER3IHAVEACHANGEThecarrier'shorsewasthelaziesthorseintheworld,Ishouldhope,andshuffledalong,withhisheaddown,asifhelikedtokeeppeoplewaitingtowhomthepackagesweredirected.Ifancied,indeed,thathesometimeschuckledaudiblyoverthisreflection,butthecarriersaidhewasonlytroubledwithacough.Thecarrierhadawayofkeepinghisheaddown,likehishorse,andofdroopingsleepilyforwardashedrove,withoneofhisarmsoneachofhisknees.Isay'drove',butitstruckmethatthecartwouldhavegonetoYarmouthquiteaswellwithouthim,forthehorsedidallthat;andastoconversation,hehadnoideaofit
butwhistling.Peggottyhadabasketofrefreshmentsonherknee,whichwouldhavelastedusouthandsomely,ifwehadbeengoingtoLondonbythesameconveyance.Weateagooddeal,andsleptagooddeal.Peggottyalwayswenttosleepwithherchinuponthehandleofthebasket,herholdofwhichneverrelaxed;andIcouldnothavebelievedunlessIhadheardherdoit,thatonedefencelesswomancouldhavesnoredsomuch.Wemadesomanydeviationsupanddownlanes,andweresuchalongtimedeliveringabedsteadatapublic-house,andcallingatotherplaces,thatIwasquitetired,andveryglad,whenwesawYarmouth.Itlookedratherspongyandsoppy,Ithought,asIcarriedmyeyeoverthegreatdullwastethatlayacrosstheriver;andIcouldnothelpwondering,iftheworldwerereallyasroundasmygeographybooksaid,howanypartofitcametobesoflat.ButIreflectedthatYarmouthmightbesituatedatoneofthepoles;whichwouldaccountforit.Aswedrewalittlenearer,andsawthewholeadjacentprospectlyingastraightlowlineunderthesky,IhintedtoPeggottythatamoundorsomighthaveimprovedit;andalsothatifthelandhad
beenalittlemoreseparatedfromthesea,andthetownandthetidehadnotbeenquitesomuchmixedup,liketoastandwater,itwouldhavebeennicer.ButPeggottysaid,withgreateremphasisthanusual,thatwemusttakethingsaswefoundthem,andthat,forherpart,shewasproudtocallherselfaYarmouthBloater.Whenwegotintothestreet(whichwasstrangeenoughtome)andsmeltthefish,andpitch,andoakum,andtar,andsawthesailorswalkingabout,andthecartsjinglingupanddownoverthestones,IfeltthatIhaddonesobusyaplaceaninjustice;andsaidasmuchtoPeggotty,whoheardmyexpressionsofdelightwithgreatcomplacency,andtoldmeitwaswellknown(IsupposetothosewhohadthegoodfortunetobebornBloaters)thatYarmouthwas,uponthewhole,thefinestplaceintheuniverse.'Here'smyAm!'screamedPeggotty,'growedoutofknowledge!'Hewaswaitingforus,infact,atthepublic-house;andaskedmehowIfoundmyself,likeanoldacquaintance.Ididnotfeel,atfirst,thatIknewhimaswellasheknewme,becausehehadnevercometoourhousesincethenightIwasborn,andnaturallyhehadtheadvantageofme.Butourintimacywasmuchadvancedbyhistakingmeonhisbacktocarrymehome.Hewas,now,ahuge,
strongfellowofsixfeethigh,broadinproportion,andround-shouldered;butwithasimperingboy'sfaceandcurlylighthairthatgavehimquiteasheepishlook.Hewasdressedinacanvasjacket,andapairofsuchverystifftrousersthattheywouldhavestoodquiteaswellalone,withoutanylegsinthem.Andyoucouldn'tsoproperlyhavesaidheworeahat,asthathewascoveredina-top,likeanoldbuilding,withsomethingpitchy.Hamcarryingmeonhisbackandasmallboxofoursunderhisarm,andPeggottycarryinganothersmallboxofours,weturneddownlanesbestrewnwithbitsofchipsandlittlehillocksofsand,andwentpastgas-works,rope-walks,boat-builders'yards,shipwrights'yards,ship-breakers'yards,caulkers'yards,riggers'lofts,smiths'forges,andagreatlitterofsuchplaces,untilwecameoutuponthedullwasteIhadalreadyseenatadistance;whenHamsaid,'Yon'sourhouse,Mas'rDavy!'Ilookedinalldirections,asfarasIcouldstareoverthewilderness,andawayatthesea,andawayattheriver,butnohousecouldImakeout.Therewasablackbarge,orsomeotherkindofsuperannuatedboat,notfaroff,highanddryonthe
ground,withanironfunnelstickingoutofitforachimneyandsmokingverycosily;butnothingelseinthewayofahabitationthatwasvisibletome.'That'snotit?'saidI.'Thatship-lookingthing?''That'sit,Mas'rDavy,'returnedHam.IfithadbeenAladdin'spalace,roc'seggandall,IsupposeIcouldnothavebeenmorecharmedwiththeromanticideaoflivinginit.Therewasadelightfuldoorcutintheside,anditwasroofedin,andtherewerelittlewindowsinit;butthewonderfulcharmofitwas,thatitwasarealboatwhichhadnodoubtbeenuponthewaterhundredsoftimes,andwhichhadneverbeenintendedtobelivedin,ondryland.Thatwasthecaptivationofittome.Ifithadeverbeenmeanttobelivedin,Imighthavethoughtitsmall,orinconvenient,orlonely;butneverhavingbeendesignedforanysuchuse,itbecameaperfectabode.Itwasbeautifullycleaninside,andastidyaspossible.Therewasatable,andaDutchclock,andachestofdrawers,andonthechestofdrawerstherewasatea-traywithapaintingonitofaladywithaparasol,takingawalkwithamilitary-lookingchild
whowastrundlingahoop.Thetraywaskeptfromtumblingdown,byabible;andthetray,ifithadtumbleddown,wouldhavesmashedaquantityofcupsandsaucersandateapotthatweregroupedaroundthebook.Onthewallsthereweresomecommoncolouredpictures,framedandglazed,ofscripturesubjects;suchasIhaveneverseensinceinthehandsofpedlars,withoutseeingthewholeinteriorofPeggotty'sbrother'shouseagain,atoneview.AbrahaminredgoingtosacrificeIsaacinblue,andDanielinyellowcastintoadenofgreenlions,werethemostprominentofthese.Overthelittlemantelshelf,wasapictureofthe'SarahJane'lugger,builtatSunderland,withareallittlewoodensternstuckontoit;aworkofart,combiningcompositionwithcarpentry,whichIconsideredtobeoneofthemostenviablepossessionsthattheworldcouldafford.Thereweresomehooksinthebeamsoftheceiling,theuseofwhichIdidnotdivinethen;andsomelockersandboxesandconveniencesofthatsort,whichservedforseatsandekedoutthechairs.AllthisIsawinthefirstglanceafterIcrossedthethreshold-child-like,accordingtomytheory-andthenPeggottyopenedalittledoorandshowedmemybedroom.Itwasthecompletestandmostdesirablebedroomeverseen-inthesternofthevessel;withalittlewindow,wheretherudderusedtogothrough;alittle
looking-glass,justtherightheightforme,nailedagainstthewall,andframedwithoyster-shells;alittlebed,whichtherewasjustroomenoughtogetinto;andanosegayofseaweedinabluemugonthetable.Thewallswerewhitewashedaswhiteasmilk,andthepatchworkcounterpanemademyeyesquiteachewithitsbrightness.OnethingIparticularlynoticedinthisdelightfulhouse,wasthesmelloffish;whichwassosearching,thatwhenItookoutmypocket-handkerchieftowipemynose,Ifounditsmeltexactlyasifithadwrappedupalobster.OnmyimpartingthisdiscoveryinconfidencetoPeggotty,sheinformedmethatherbrotherdealtinlobsters,crabs,andcrawfish;andIafterwardsfoundthataheapofthesecreatures,inastateofwonderfulconglomerationwithoneanother,andneverleavingoffpinchingwhatevertheylaidholdof,wereusuallytobefoundinalittlewoodenouthousewherethepotsandkettleswerekept.Wewerewelcomedbyaverycivilwomaninawhiteapron,whomIhadseencurtseyingatthedoorwhenIwasonHam'sback,aboutaquarterofamileoff.Likewisebyamostbeautifullittlegirl(orIthoughtherso)withanecklaceofbluebeadson,whowouldn'tletmekissherwhenIofferedto,butranawayandhidherself.Byandby,whenwehaddinedinasumptuousmanneroffboileddabs,meltedbutter,andpotatoes,withachopforme,a
hairymanwithaverygood-naturedfacecamehome.AshecalledPeggotty'Lass',andgaveheraheartysmackonthecheek,Ihadnodoubt,fromthegeneralproprietyofherconduct,thathewasherbrother;andsoheturnedout-beingpresentlyintroducedtomeasMr.Peggotty,themasterofthehouse.'Gladtoseeyou,sir,'saidMr.Peggotty.'You'llfindusrough,sir,butyou'llfindusready.'Ithankedhim,andrepliedthatIwassureIshouldbehappyinsuchadelightfulplace.'How'syourMa,sir?'saidMr.Peggotty.'Didyouleaveherprettyjolly?'IgaveMr.PeggottytounderstandthatshewasasjollyasIcouldwish,andthatshedesiredhercompliments-whichwasapolitefictiononmypart.'I'mmuchobleegedtoher,I'msure,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Well,sir,ifyoucanmakeouthere,furafortnut,'longwi'her,'noddingathissister,'andHam,andlittleEm'ly,weshallbeproudofyourcompany.'
Havingdonethehonoursofhishouseinthishospitablemanner,Mr.Peggottywentouttowashhimselfinakettlefulofhotwater,remarkingthat'coldwouldnevergethismuckoff'.Hesoonreturned,greatlyimprovedinappearance;butsorubicund,thatIcouldn'thelpthinkinghisfacehadthisincommonwiththelobsters,crabs,andcrawfish,-thatitwentintothehotwaterveryblack,andcameoutveryred.Aftertea,whenthedoorwasshutandallwasmadesnug(thenightsbeingcoldandmistynow),itseemedtomethemostdeliciousretreatthattheimaginationofmancouldconceive.Tohearthewindgettingupoutatsea,toknowthatthefogwascreepingoverthedesolateflatoutside,andtolookatthefire,andthinkthattherewasnohousenearbutthisone,andthisoneaboat,waslikeenchantment.LittleEm'lyhadovercomehershyness,andwassittingbymysideuponthelowestandleastofthelockers,whichwasjustlargeenoughforustwo,andjustfittedintothechimneycorner.Mrs.Peggottywiththewhiteapron,wasknittingontheoppositesideofthefire.PeggottyatherneedleworkwasasmuchathomewithSt.Paul'sandthebitofwax-candle,asiftheyhadneverknownanyotherroof.Ham,whohadbeengivingmemyfirstlessoninall-fours,wastryingtorecollectaschemeoftelling
fortuneswiththedirtycards,andwasprintingofffishyimpressionsofhisthumbonallthecardsheturned.Mr.Peggottywassmokinghispipe.Ifeltitwasatimeforconversationandconfidence.'Mr.Peggotty!'saysI.'Sir,'sayshe.'DidyougiveyoursonthenameofHam,becauseyoulivedinasortofark?'Mr.Peggottyseemedtothinkitadeepidea,butanswered:'No,sir.Inevergivhimnoname.''Whogavehimthatname,then?'saidI,puttingquestionnumbertwoofthecatechismtoMr.Peggotty.'Why,sir,hisfathergivithim,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Ithoughtyouwerehisfather!'
'MybrotherJoewashisfather,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Dead,Mr.Peggotty?'Ihinted,afterarespectfulpause.'Drowndead,'saidMr.Peggotty.IwasverymuchsurprisedthatMr.PeggottywasnotHam'sfather,andbegantowonderwhetherIwasmistakenabouthisrelationshiptoanybodyelsethere.Iwassocurioustoknow,thatImadeupmymindtohaveitoutwithMr.Peggotty.'LittleEm'ly,'Isaid,glancingather.'Sheisyourdaughter,isn'tshe,Mr.Peggotty?''No,sir.Mybrother-in-law,Tom,washerfather.'Icouldn'thelpit.'-Dead,Mr.Peggotty?'Ihinted,afteranotherrespectfulsilence.'Drowndead,'saidMr.Peggotty.Ifeltthedifficultyofresumingthesubject,buthadnotgottothebottomofityet,andmustgettothebottomsomehow.SoI
said:'Haven'tyouANYchildren,Mr.Peggotty?''No,master,'heansweredwithashortlaugh.'I'mabacheldore.''Abachelor!'Isaid,astonished.'Why,who'sthat,Mr.Peggotty?'pointingtothepersonintheapronwhowasknitting.'That'sMissisGummidge,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Gummidge,Mr.Peggotty?'ButatthispointPeggotty-ImeanmyownpeculiarPeggotty-madesuchimpressivemotionstomenottoaskanymorequestions,thatIcouldonlysitandlookatallthesilentcompany,untilitwastimetogotobed.Then,intheprivacyofmyownlittlecabin,sheinformedmethatHamandEm'lywereanorphannephewandniece,whommyhosthadatdifferenttimesadoptedintheirchildhood,whentheywereleftdestitute:andthatMrs.Gummidgewasthewidowofhispartnerinaboat,whohaddiedverypoor.Hewasbutapoormanhimself,saidPeggotty,butasgoodasgoldandastrueassteel-thosewerehersimiles.Theonlysubject,sheinformedme,
onwhichheevershowedaviolenttemperorsworeanoath,wasthisgenerosityofhis;andifitwereeverreferredto,byanyoneofthem,hestruckthetableaheavyblowwithhisrighthand(hadsplititononesuchoccasion),andsworeadreadfuloaththathewouldbe'Gormed'ifhedidn'tcutandrunforgood,ifitwasevermentionedagain.Itappeared,inanswertomyinquiries,thatnobodyhadtheleastideaoftheetymologyofthisterribleverbpassivetobegormed;butthattheyallregardeditasconstitutingamostsolemnimprecation.Iwasverysensibleofmyentertainer'sgoodness,andlistenedtothewomen'sgoingtobedinanotherlittlecriblikemineattheoppositeendoftheboat,andtohimandHamhanginguptwohammocksforthemselvesonthehooksIhadnoticedintheroof,inaveryluxuriousstateofmind,enhancedbymybeingsleepy.Asslumbergraduallystoleuponme,Iheardthewindhowlingoutatseaandcomingonacrosstheflatsofiercely,thatIhadalazyapprehensionofthegreatdeeprisinginthenight.ButIbethoughtmyselfthatIwasinaboat,afterall;andthatamanlikeMr.Peggottywasnotabadpersontohaveonboardifanythingdidhappen.Nothinghappened,however,worsethanmorning.Almostassoonas
itshoneupontheoyster-shellframeofmymirrorIwasoutofbed,andoutwithlittleEm'ly,pickingupstonesuponthebeach.'You'requiteasailor,Isuppose?'IsaidtoEm'ly.Idon'tknowthatIsupposedanythingofthekind,butIfeltitanactofgallantrytosaysomething;andashiningsailclosetousmadesuchaprettylittleimageofitself,atthemoment,inherbrighteye,thatitcameintomyheadtosaythis.'No,'repliedEm'ly,shakingherhead,'I'mafraidofthesea.''Afraid!'Isaid,withabecomingairofboldness,andlookingverybigatthemightyocean.'Ian't!''Ah!butit'scruel,'saidEm'ly.'Ihaveseenitverycrueltosomeofourmen.Ihaveseenittearaboatasbigasourhouse,alltopieces.''Ihopeitwasn'ttheboatthat-''Thatfatherwasdrowndedin?'saidEm'ly.'No.Notthatone,Ineverseethatboat.'
'Norhim?'Iaskedher.LittleEm'lyshookherhead.'Nottoremember!'Herewasacoincidence!IimmediatelywentintoanexplanationhowIhadneverseenmyownfather;andhowmymotherandIhadalwayslivedbyourselvesinthehappieststateimaginable,andlivedsothen,andalwaysmeanttoliveso;andhowmyfather'sgravewasinthechurchyardnearourhouse,andshadedbyatree,beneaththeboughsofwhichIhadwalkedandheardthebirdssingmanyapleasantmorning.ButthereweresomedifferencesbetweenEm'ly'sorphanhoodandmine,itappeared.Shehadlosthermotherbeforeherfather;andwhereherfather'sgravewasnooneknew,exceptthatitwassomewhereinthedepthsofthesea.'Besides,'saidEm'ly,asshelookedaboutforshellsandpebbles,'yourfatherwasagentlemanandyourmotherisalady;andmyfatherwasafishermanandmymotherwasafisherman'sdaughter,andmyuncleDanisafisherman.''DanisMr.Peggotty,ishe?'saidI.'UncleDan-yonder,'answeredEm'ly,noddingattheboat-house.
'Yes.Imeanhim.Hemustbeverygood,Ishouldthink?''Good?'saidEm'ly.'IfIwasevertobealady,I'dgivehimasky-bluecoatwithdiamondbuttons,nankeentrousers,aredvelvetwaistcoat,acockedhat,alargegoldwatch,asilverpipe,andaboxofmoney.'IsaidIhadnodoubtthatMr.Peggottywelldeservedthesetreasures.ImustacknowledgethatIfeltitdifficulttopicturehimquiteathiseaseintheraimentproposedforhimbyhisgratefullittleniece,andthatIwasparticularlydoubtfulofthepolicyofthecockedhat;butIkeptthesesentimentstomyself.LittleEm'lyhadstoppedandlookedupattheskyinherenumerationofthesearticles,asiftheywereagloriousvision.Wewentonagain,pickingupshellsandpebbles.'Youwouldliketobealady?'Isaid.Emilylookedatme,andlaughedandnodded'yes'.'Ishouldlikeitverymuch.Wewouldallbegentlefolkstogether,
then.Me,anduncle,andHam,andMrs.Gummidge.Wewouldn'tmindthen,whentherecomesstormyweather.-Notforourownsakes,Imean.Wewouldforthepoorfishermen's,tobesure,andwe'dhelp'emwithmoneywhentheycometoanyhurt.'Thisseemedtometobeaverysatisfactoryandthereforenotatallimprobablepicture.Iexpressedmypleasureinthecontemplationofit,andlittleEm'lywasemboldenedtosay,shyly,'Don'tyouthinkyouareafraidofthesea,now?'Itwasquietenoughtoreassureme,butIhavenodoubtifIhadseenamoderatelylargewavecometumblingin,Ishouldhavetakentomyheels,withanawfulrecollectionofherdrownedrelations.However,Isaid'No,'andIadded,'Youdon'tseemtobeeither,thoughyousayyouare,'-forshewaswalkingmuchtoonearthebrinkofasortofoldjettyorwoodencausewaywehadstrolledupon,andIwasafraidofherfallingover.'I'mnotafraidinthisway,'saidlittleEm'ly.'ButIwakewhenitblows,andtrembletothinkofUncleDanandHamandbelieveIhear'emcryingoutforhelp.That'swhyIshouldlikesomuchtobealady.ButI'mnotafraidinthisway.Notabit.Lookhere!'
Shestartedfrommyside,andranalongajaggedtimberwhichprotrudedfromtheplacewestoodupon,andoverhungthedeepwateratsomeheight,withouttheleastdefence.Theincidentissoimpressedonmyremembrance,thatifIwereadraughtsmanIcoulddrawitsformhere,Idaresay,accuratelyasitwasthatday,andlittleEm'lyspringingforwardtoherdestruction(asitappearedtome),withalookthatIhaveneverforgotten,directedfarouttosea.Thelight,bold,flutteringlittlefigureturnedandcamebacksafetome,andIsoonlaughedatmyfears,andatthecryIhaduttered;fruitlesslyinanycase,fortherewasnoonenear.Buttherehavebeentimessince,inmymanhood,manytimestherehavebeen,whenIhavethought,Isitpossible,amongthepossibilitiesofhiddenthings,thatinthesuddenrashnessofthechildandherwildlooksofaroff,therewasanymercifulattractionofherintodanger,anytemptinghertowardshimpermittedonthepartofherdeadfather,thatherlifemighthaveachanceofendingthatday?TherehasbeenatimesincewhenIhavewonderedwhether,ifthelifebeforehercouldhavebeenrevealedtomeataglance,andsorevealedasthatachildcouldfullycomprehendit,andifherpreservationcouldhavedependedonamotionofmyhand,Ioughtto
haveheldituptosaveher.Therehasbeenatimesince-Idonotsayitlastedlong,butithasbeen-whenIhaveaskedmyselfthequestion,wouldithavebeenbetterforlittleEm'lytohavehadthewaterscloseaboveherheadthatmorninginmysight;andwhenIhaveansweredYes,itwouldhavebeen.Thismaybepremature.Ihavesetitdowntoosoon,perhaps.Butletitstand.Westrolledalongway,andloadedourselveswiththingsthatwethoughtcurious,andputsomestrandedstarfishcarefullybackintothewater-Ihardlyknowenoughoftheraceatthismomenttobequitecertainwhethertheyhadreasontofeelobligedtousfordoingso,orthereverse-andthenmadeourwayhometoMr.Peggotty'sdwelling.Westoppedundertheleeofthelobster-outhousetoexchangeaninnocentkiss,andwentintobreakfastglowingwithhealthandpleasure.'Liketwoyoungmavishes,'Mr.Peggottysaid.Iknewthismeant,inourlocaldialect,liketwoyoungthrushes,andreceiveditasacompliment.OfcourseIwasinlovewithlittleEm'ly.IamsureIlovedthat
babyquiteastruly,quiteastenderly,withgreaterpurityandmoredisinterestedness,thancanenterintothebestloveofalatertimeoflife,highandennoblingasitis.Iamsuremyfancyraisedupsomethingroundthatblue-eyedmiteofachild,whichetherealized,andmadeaveryangelofher.If,anysunnyforenoon,shehadspreadalittlepairofwingsandflownawaybeforemyeyes,Idon'tthinkIshouldhaveregardeditasmuchmorethanIhadhadreasontoexpect.WeusedtowalkaboutthatdimoldflatatYarmouthinalovingmanner,hoursandhours.Thedayssportedbyus,asifTimehadnotgrownuphimselfyet,butwereachildtoo,andalwaysatplay.ItoldEm'lyIadoredher,andthatunlesssheconfessedsheadoredmeIshouldbereducedtothenecessityofkillingmyselfwithasword.Shesaidshedid,andIhavenodoubtshedid.Astoanysenseofinequality,oryouthfulness,orotherdifficultyinourway,littleEm'lyandIhadnosuchtrouble,becausewehadnofuture.Wemadenomoreprovisionforgrowingolder,thanwedidforgrowingyounger.WeweretheadmirationofMrs.GummidgeandPeggotty,whousedtowhisperofaneveningwhenwesat,lovingly,onourlittlelockersidebyside,'Lor!wasn'titbeautiful!'Mr.Peggottysmiledatusfrombehindhispipe,and
Hamgrinnedalltheeveninganddidnothingelse.Theyhadsomethingofthesortofpleasureinus,Isuppose,thattheymighthavehadinaprettytoy,orapocketmodeloftheColosseum.IsoonfoundoutthatMrs.Gummidgedidnotalwaysmakeherselfsoagreeableasshemighthavebeenexpectedtodo,underthecircumstancesofherresidencewithMr.Peggotty.Mrs.Gummidge'swasratherafretfuldisposition,andshewhimperedmoresometimesthanwascomfortableforotherpartiesinsosmallanestablishment.Iwasverysorryforher;butthereweremomentswhenitwouldhavebeenmoreagreeable,Ithought,ifMrs.Gummidgehadhadaconvenientapartmentofherowntoretireto,andhadstoppedthereuntilherspiritsrevived.Mr.Peggottywentoccasionallytoapublic-housecalledTheWillingMind.Idiscoveredthis,byhisbeingoutonthesecondorthirdeveningofourvisit,andbyMrs.Gummidge'slookingupattheDutchclock,betweeneightandnine,andsayinghewasthere,andthat,whatwasmore,shehadknowninthemorninghewouldgothere.Mrs.Gummidgehadbeeninalowstateallday,andhadburstintotearsintheforenoon,whenthefiresmoked.'Iamalonelorn
creetur','wereMrs.Gummidge'swords,whenthatunpleasantoccurrencetookplace,'andeverythinkgoescontrarywithme.''Oh,it'llsoonleaveoff,'saidPeggotty-IagainmeanourPeggotty-'andbesides,youknow,it'snotmoredisagreeabletoyouthantous.''Ifeelitmore,'saidMrs.Gummidge.Itwasaverycoldday,withcuttingblastsofwind.Mrs.Gummidge'speculiarcornerofthefiresideseemedtometobethewarmestandsnuggestintheplace,asherchairwascertainlytheeasiest,butitdidn'tsuitherthatdayatall.Shewasconstantlycomplainingofthecold,andofitsoccasioningavisitationinherbackwhichshecalled'thecreeps'.Atlastsheshedtearsonthatsubject,andsaidagainthatshewas'alonelorncreetur'andeverythinkwentcontrarywithher'.'Itiscertainlyverycold,'saidPeggotty.'Everybodymustfeelitso.''Ifeelitmorethanotherpeople,'saidMrs.Gummidge.
Soatdinner;whenMrs.Gummidgewasalwayshelpedimmediatelyafterme,towhomthepreferencewasgivenasavisitorofdistinction.Thefishweresmallandbony,andthepotatoeswerealittleburnt.Weallacknowledgedthatwefeltthissomethingofadisappointment;butMrs.Gummidgesaidshefeltitmorethanwedid,andshedtearsagain,andmadethatformerdeclarationwithgreatbitterness.Accordingly,whenMr.Peggottycamehomeaboutnineo'clock,thisunfortunateMrs.Gummidgewasknittinginhercorner,inaverywretchedandmiserablecondition.Peggottyhadbeenworkingcheerfully.Hamhadbeenpatchingupagreatpairofwaterboots;andI,withlittleEm'lybymyside,hadbeenreadingtothem.Mrs.Gummidgehadnevermadeanyotherremarkthanaforlornsigh,andhadneverraisedhereyessincetea.'Well,Mates,'saidMr.Peggotty,takinghisseat,'andhowareyou?'Weallsaidsomething,orlookedsomething,towelcomehim,exceptMrs.Gummidge,whoonlyshookherheadoverherknitting.'What'samiss?'saidMr.Peggotty,withaclapofhishands.
'Cheerup,oldMawther!'(Mr.Peggottymeantoldgirl.)Mrs.Gummidgedidnotappeartobeabletocheerup.Shetookoutanoldblacksilkhandkerchiefandwipedhereyes;butinsteadofputtingitinherpocket,keptitout,andwipedthemagain,andstillkeptitout,readyforuse.'What'samiss,dame?'saidMr.Peggotty.'Nothing,'returnedMrs.Gummidge.'You'vecomefromTheWillingMind,Dan'l?''Whyyes,I'vetookashortspellatTheWillingMindtonight,'saidMr.Peggotty.'I'msorryIshoulddriveyouthere,'saidMrs.Gummidge.'Drive!Idon'twantnodriving,'returnedMr.Peggottywithanhonestlaugh.'Ionlygotooready.''Veryready,'saidMrs.Gummidge,shakingherhead,andwipinghereyes.'Yes,yes,veryready.Iamsorryitshouldbealongofmethatyou'resoready.'
'Alongo'you!Itan'talongo'you!'saidMr.Peggotty.'Don'tyebelieveabitonit.''Yes,yes,itis,'criedMrs.Gummidge.'IknowwhatIam.IknowthatIamalonelorncreetur',andnotonlythateverythinkgoescontrarywithme,butthatIgocontrarywitheverybody.Yes,yes.Ifeelmorethanotherpeopledo,andIshowitmore.It'smymisfortun'.'Ireallycouldn'thelpthinking,asIsattakinginallthis,thatthemisfortuneextendedtosomeothermembersofthatfamilybesidesMrs.Gummidge.ButMr.Peggottymadenosuchretort,onlyansweringwithanotherentreatytoMrs.Gummidgetocheerup.'Ian'twhatIcouldwishmyselftobe,'saidMrs.Gummidge.'Iamfarfromit.IknowwhatIam.Mytroubleshasmademecontrary.Ifeelmytroubles,andtheymakemecontrary.IwishIdidn'tfeel'em,butIdo.IwishIcouldbehardenedto'em,butIan't.Imakethehouseuncomfortable.Idon'twonderatit.I'vemadeyoursistersoallday,andMasterDavy.'HereIwassuddenlymelted,androaredout,'No,youhaven't,Mrs.
Gummidge,'ingreatmentaldistress.'It'sfarfromrightthatIshoulddoit,'saidMrs.Gummidge.'Itan'tafitreturn.Ihadbettergointothehouseanddie.Iamalonelorncreetur',andhadmuchbetternotmakemyselfcontraryhere.Ifthinksmustgocontrarywithme,andImustgocontrarymyself,letmegocontraryinmyparish.Dan'l,I'dbettergointothehouse,anddieandbeariddance!'Mrs.Gummidgeretiredwiththesewords,andbetookherselftobed.Whenshewasgone,Mr.Peggotty,whohadnotexhibitedatraceofanyfeelingbuttheprofoundestsympathy,lookedrounduponus,andnoddinghisheadwithalivelyexpressionofthatsentimentstillanimatinghisface,saidinawhisper:'She'sbeenthinkingoftheold'un!'IdidnotquiteunderstandwhatoldoneMrs.Gummidgewassupposedtohavefixedhermindupon,untilPeggotty,onseeingmetobed,explainedthatitwasthelateMr.Gummidge;andthatherbrotheralwaystookthatforareceivedtruthonsuchoccasions,andthatitalwayshadamovingeffectuponhim.Sometimeafterhewasinhishammockthatnight,IheardhimmyselfrepeattoHam,'Poor
thing!She'sbeenthinkingoftheold'un!'AndwheneverMrs.Gummidgewasovercomeinasimilarmannerduringtheremainderofourstay(whichhappenedsomefewtimes),healwayssaidthesamethinginextenuationofthecircumstance,andalwayswiththetenderestcommiseration.Sothefortnightslippedaway,variedbynothingbutthevariationofthetide,whichalteredMr.Peggotty'stimesofgoingoutandcomingin,andalteredHam'sengagementsalso.Whenthelatterwasunemployed,hesometimeswalkedwithustoshowustheboatsandships,andonceortwicehetookusforarow.Idon'tknowwhyoneslightsetofimpressionsshouldbemoreparticularlyassociatedwithaplacethananother,thoughIbelievethisobtainswithmostpeople,inreferenceespeciallytotheassociationsoftheirchildhood.Ineverhearthename,orreadthename,ofYarmouth,butIamremindedofacertainSundaymorningonthebeach,thebellsringingforchurch,littleEm'lyleaningonmyshoulder,Hamlazilydroppingstonesintothewater,andthesun,awayatsea,justbreakingthroughtheheavymist,andshowingustheships,liketheirownshadows.Atlastthedaycameforgoinghome.IboreupagainsttheseparationfromMr.PeggottyandMrs.Gummidge,butmyagonyof
mindatleavinglittleEm'lywaspiercing.Wewentarm-in-armtothepublic-housewherethecarrierputup,andIpromised,ontheroad,towritetoher.(Iredeemedthatpromiseafterwards,incharacterslargerthanthoseinwhichapartmentsareusuallyannouncedinmanuscript,asbeingtolet.)Weweregreatlyovercomeatparting;andifever,inmylife,Ihavehadavoidmadeinmyheart,Ihadonemadethatday.Now,allthetimeIhadbeenonmyvisit,Ihadbeenungratefultomyhomeagain,andhadthoughtlittleornothingaboutit.ButIwasnosoonerturnedtowardsit,thanmyreproachfulyoungconscienceseemedtopointthatwaywithareadyfinger;andIfelt,allthemoreforthesinkingofmyspirits,thatitwasmynest,andthatmymotherwasmycomforterandfriend.Thisgaineduponmeaswewentalong;sothatthenearerwedrew,themorefamiliartheobjectsbecamethatwepassed,themoreexcitedIwastogetthere,andtorunintoherarms.ButPeggotty,insteadofsharinginthosetransports,triedtocheckthem(thoughverykindly),andlookedconfusedandoutofsorts.BlunderstoneRookerywouldcome,however,inspiteofher,whenthecarrier'shorsepleased-anddid.HowwellIrecollectit,ona
coldgreyafternoon,withadullsky,threateningrain!Thedooropened,andIlooked,halflaughingandhalfcryinginmypleasantagitation,formymother.Itwasnotshe,butastrangeservant.'Why,Peggotty!'Isaid,ruefully,'isn'tshecomehome?''Yes,yes,MasterDavy,'saidPeggotty.'She'scomehome.Waitabit,MasterDavy,andI'll-I'lltellyousomething.'Betweenheragitation,andhernaturalawkwardnessingettingoutofthecart,Peggottywasmakingamostextraordinaryfestoonofherself,butIfelttooblankandstrangetotellherso.Whenshehadgotdown,shetookmebythehand;ledme,wondering,intothekitchen;andshutthedoor.'Peggotty!'saidI,quitefrightened.'What'sthematter?''Nothing'sthematter,blessyou,MasterDavydear!'sheanswered,assuminganairofsprightliness.'Something'sthematter,I'msure.Where'smama?'
'Where'smama,MasterDavy?'repeatedPeggotty.'Yes.Whyhasn'tshecomeouttothegate,andwhathavewecomeinherefor?Oh,Peggotty!'Myeyeswerefull,andIfeltasifIweregoingtotumbledown.'Blessthepreciousboy!'criedPeggotty,takingholdofme.'Whatisit?Speak,mypet!''Notdead,too!Oh,she'snotdead,Peggotty?'PeggottycriedoutNo!withanastonishingvolumeofvoice;andthensatdown,andbegantopant,andsaidIhadgivenheraturn.Igaveherahugtotakeawaytheturn,ortogiveheranotherturnintherightdirection,andthenstoodbeforeher,lookingatherinanxiousinquiry.'Yousee,dear,Ishouldhavetoldyoubeforenow,'saidPeggotty,'butIhadn'tanopportunity.Ioughttohavemadeit,perhaps,butIcouldn'tazackly'-thatwasalwaysthesubstituteforexactly,inPeggotty'smilitiaofwords-'bringmymindtoit.'
'Goon,Peggotty,'saidI,morefrightenedthanbefore.'MasterDavy,'saidPeggotty,untyingherbonnetwithashakinghand,andspeakinginabreathlesssortofway.'Whatdoyouthink?YouhavegotaPa!'Itrembled,andturnedwhite.Something-Idon'tknowwhat,orhow-connectedwiththegraveinthechurchyard,andtheraisingofthedead,seemedtostrikemelikeanunwholesomewind.'Anewone,'saidPeggotty.'Anewone?'Irepeated.Peggottygaveagasp,asifshewereswallowingsomethingthatwasveryhard,and,puttingoutherhand,said:'Comeandseehim.''Idon'twanttoseehim.'-'Andyourmama,'saidPeggotty.
Iceasedtodrawback,andwewentstraighttothebestparlour,wheresheleftme.Ononesideofthefire,satmymother;ontheother,Mr.Murdstone.Mymotherdroppedherwork,andarosehurriedly,buttimidlyIthought.'Now,Claramydear,'saidMr.Murdstone.'Recollect!controlyourself,alwayscontrolyourself!Davyboy,howdoyoudo?'Igavehimmyhand.Afteramomentofsuspense,Iwentandkissedmymother:shekissedme,pattedmegentlyontheshoulder,andsatdownagaintoherwork.Icouldnotlookather,Icouldnotlookathim,Iknewquitewellthathewaslookingatusboth;andIturnedtothewindowandlookedoutthere,atsomeshrubsthatweredroopingtheirheadsinthecold.AssoonasIcouldcreepaway,Icreptupstairs.Myolddearbedroomwaschanged,andIwastoliealongwayoff.Irambleddownstairstofindanythingthatwaslikeitself,soaltereditallseemed;androamedintotheyard.Iverysoonstartedbackfromthere,fortheemptydog-kennelwasfilledupwithagreatdog-deepmouthedandblack-hairedlikeHim-andhewasveryangryatthesightofme,andsprangouttogetatme.
CHAPTER4IFALLINTODISGRACEIftheroomtowhichmybedwasremovedwereasentientthingthatcouldgiveevidence,Imightappealtoitatthisday-whosleepstherenow,Iwonder!-tobearwitnessformewhataheavyheartIcarriedtoit.Iwentupthere,hearingthedogintheyardbarkaftermeallthewaywhileIclimbedthestairs;and,lookingasblankandstrangeupontheroomastheroomlookeduponme,satdownwithmysmallhandscrossed,andthought.Ithoughtoftheoddestthings.Oftheshapeoftheroom,ofthecracksintheceiling,ofthepaperonthewalls,oftheflawsinthewindow-glassmakingripplesanddimplesontheprospect,ofthewashing-standbeingricketyonitsthreelegs,andhavingadiscontentedsomethingaboutit,whichremindedmeofMrs.Gummidgeundertheinfluenceoftheoldone.Iwascryingallthetime,but,exceptthatIwasconsciousofbeingcoldanddejected,IamsureIneverthoughtwhyIcried.AtlastinmydesolationIbegantoconsiderthatIwasdreadfullyinlovewithlittleEm'ly,andhadbeentornawayfromhertocomeherewherenooneseemedto
wantme,ortocareaboutme,halfasmuchasshedid.Thismadesuchaverymiserablepieceofbusinessofit,thatIrolledmyselfupinacornerofthecounterpane,andcriedmyselftosleep.Iwasawokebysomebodysaying'Hereheis!'anduncoveringmyhothead.MymotherandPeggottyhadcometolookforme,anditwasoneofthemwhohaddoneit.'Davy,'saidmymother.'What'sthematter?'Ithoughtitwasverystrangethatsheshouldaskme,andanswered,'Nothing.'Iturnedoveronmyface,Irecollect,tohidemytremblinglip,whichansweredherwithgreatertruth.'Davy,'saidmymother.'Davy,mychild!'Idaresaynowordsshecouldhaveutteredwouldhaveaffectedmesomuch,then,ashercallingmeherchild.Ihidmytearsinthebedclothes,andpressedherfrommewithmyhand,whenshewouldhaveraisedmeup.'Thisisyourdoing,Peggotty,youcruelthing!'saidmymother.'Ihavenodoubtatallaboutit.Howcanyoureconcileittoyourconscience,Iwonder,toprejudicemyownboyagainstme,or
againstanybodywhoisdeartome?Whatdoyoumeanbyit,Peggotty?'PoorPeggottyliftedupherhandsandeyes,andonlyanswered,inasortofparaphraseofthegraceIusuallyrepeatedafterdinner,'Lordforgiveyou,Mrs.Copperfield,andforwhatyouhavesaidthisminute,mayyouneverbetrulysorry!''It'senoughtodistractme,'criedmymother.'Inmyhoneymoon,too,whenmymostinveterateenemymightrelent,onewouldthink,andnotenvymealittlepeaceofmindandhappiness.Davy,younaughtyboy!Peggotty,yousavagecreature!Oh,dearme!'criedmymother,turningfromoneofustotheother,inherpettishwilfulmanner,'whatatroublesomeworldthisis,whenonehasthemostrighttoexpectittobeasagreeableaspossible!'IfeltthetouchofahandthatIknewwasneitherhersnorPeggotty's,andslippedtomyfeetatthebed-side.ItwasMr.Murdstone'shand,andhekeptitonmyarmashesaid:'What'sthis?Clara,mylove,haveyouforgotten?-Firmness,mydear!'
'Iamverysorry,Edward,'saidmymother.'Imeanttobeverygood,butIamsouncomfortable.''Indeed!'heanswered.'That'sabadhearing,sosoon,Clara.''Isayit'sveryhardIshouldbemadesonow,'returnedmymother,pouting;'anditis-veryhard-isn'tit?'Hedrewhertohim,whisperedinherear,andkissedher.Iknewaswell,whenIsawmymother'sheadleandownuponhisshoulder,andherarmtouchhisneck-Iknewaswellthathecouldmouldherpliantnatureintoanyformhechose,asIknow,now,thathedidit.'Goyoubelow,mylove,'saidMr.Murdstone.'DavidandIwillcomedown,together.Myfriend,'turningadarkeningfaceonPeggotty,whenhehadwatchedmymotherout,anddismissedherwithanodandasmile;'doyouknowyourmistress'sname?''Shehasbeenmymistressalongtime,sir,'answeredPeggotty,'Ioughttoknowit.''That'strue,'heanswered.'ButIthoughtIheardyou,asIcameupstairs,addressherbyanamethatisnothers.Shehastaken
mine,youknow.Willyourememberthat?'Peggotty,withsomeuneasyglancesatme,curtseyedherselfoutoftheroomwithoutreplying;seeing,Isuppose,thatshewasexpectedtogo,andhadnoexcuseforremaining.Whenwetwowereleftalone,heshutthedoor,andsittingonachair,andholdingmestandingbeforehim,lookedsteadilyintomyeyes.Ifeltmyownattracted,nolesssteadily,tohis.AsIrecallourbeingopposedthus,facetoface,Iseemagaintohearmyheartbeatfastandhigh.'David,'hesaid,makinghislipsthin,bypressingthemtogether,'ifIhaveanobstinatehorseordogtodealwith,whatdoyouthinkIdo?''Idon'tknow.''Ibeathim.'Ihadansweredinakindofbreathlesswhisper,butIfelt,inmysilence,thatmybreathwasshorternow.'Imakehimwince,andsmart.Isaytomyself,"I'llconquerthat
fellow";andifitweretocosthimallthebloodhehad,Ishoulddoit.Whatisthatuponyourface?''Dirt,'Isaid.HeknewitwasthemarkoftearsaswellasI.Butifhehadaskedthequestiontwentytimes,eachtimewithtwentyblows,IbelievemybabyheartwouldhaveburstbeforeIwouldhavetoldhimso.'Youhaveagooddealofintelligenceforalittlefellow,'hesaid,withagravesmilethatbelongedtohim,'andyouunderstoodmeverywell,Isee.Washthatface,sir,andcomedownwithme.'Hepointedtothewashing-stand,whichIhadmadeouttobelikeMrs.Gummidge,andmotionedmewithhisheadtoobeyhimdirectly.Ihadlittledoubtthen,andIhavelessdoubtnow,thathewouldhaveknockedmedownwithouttheleastcompunction,ifIhadhesitated.'Clara,mydear,'hesaid,whenIhaddonehisbidding,andhewalkedmeintotheparlour,withhishandstillonmyarm;'youwillnotbemadeuncomfortableanymore,Ihope.Weshallsoonimproveouryouthfulhumours.'
Godhelpme,Imighthavebeenimprovedformywholelife,Imighthavebeenmadeanothercreatureperhaps,forlife,byakindwordatthatseason.Awordofencouragementandexplanation,ofpityformychildishignorance,ofwelcomehome,ofreassurancetomethatitwashome,mighthavemademedutifultohiminmyhearthenceforth,insteadofinmyhypocriticaloutside,andmighthavemademerespectinsteadofhatehim.Ithoughtmymotherwassorrytoseemestandingintheroomsoscaredandstrange,andthat,presently,whenIstoletoachair,shefollowedmewithhereyesmoresorrowfullystill-missing,perhaps,somefreedominmychildishtread-butthewordwasnotspoken,andthetimeforitwasgone.Wedinedalone,wethreetogether.Heseemedtobeveryfondofmymother-IamafraidIlikedhimnonethebetterforthat-andshewasveryfondofhim.Igatheredfromwhattheysaid,thataneldersisterofhiswascomingtostaywiththem,andthatshewasexpectedthatevening.IamnotcertainwhetherIfoundoutthen,orafterwards,that,withoutbeingactivelyconcernedinanybusiness,hehadsomesharein,orsomeannualchargeupontheprofitsof,awine-merchant'shouseinLondon,withwhichhisfamilyhadbeenconnectedfromhisgreat-grandfather'stime,andin
whichhissisterhadasimilarinterest;butImaymentionitinthisplace,whetherorno.Afterdinner,whenweweresittingbythefire,andIwasmeditatinganescapetoPeggottywithouthavingthehardihoodtoslipaway,lestitshouldoffendthemasterofthehouse,acoachdroveuptothegarden-gateandhewentouttoreceivethevisitor.Mymotherfollowedhim.Iwastimidlyfollowingher,whensheturnedroundattheparlourdoor,inthedusk,andtakingmeinherembraceasshehadbeenusedtodo,whisperedmetolovemynewfatherandbeobedienttohim.Shedidthishurriedlyandsecretly,asifitwerewrong,buttenderly;and,puttingoutherhandbehindher,heldmineinit,untilwecameneartowherehewasstandinginthegarden,wheresheletminego,anddrewhersthroughhisarm.ItwasMissMurdstonewhowasarrived,andagloomy-lookingladyshewas;dark,likeherbrother,whomshegreatlyresembledinfaceandvoice;andwithveryheavyeyebrows,nearlymeetingoverherlargenose,asif,beingdisabledbythewrongsofhersexfromwearingwhiskers,shehadcarriedthemtothataccount.Shebroughtwithhertwouncompromisinghardblackboxes,withherinitialsonthelidsinhardbrassnails.Whenshepaidthe
coachmanshetookhermoneyoutofahardsteelpurse,andshekeptthepurseinaveryjailofabagwhichhunguponherarmbyaheavychain,andshutuplikeabite.Ihadnever,atthattime,seensuchametallicladyaltogetherasMissMurdstonewas.Shewasbroughtintotheparlourwithmanytokensofwelcome,andthereformallyrecognizedmymotherasanewandnearrelation.Thenshelookedatme,andsaid:'Isthatyourboy,sister-in-law?'Mymotheracknowledgedme.'Generallyspeaking,'saidMissMurdstone,'Idon'tlikeboys.Howd'yedo,boy?'Undertheseencouragingcircumstances,IrepliedthatIwasverywell,andthatIhopedshewasthesame;withsuchanindifferentgrace,thatMissMurdstonedisposedofmeintwowords:'Wantsmanner!'Havingutteredwhich,withgreatdistinctness,shebeggedthe
favourofbeingshowntoherroom,whichbecametomefromthattimeforthaplaceofaweanddread,whereinthetwoblackboxeswereneverseenopenorknowntobeleftunlocked,andwhere(forIpeepedinonceortwicewhenshewasout)numerouslittlesteelfettersandrivets,withwhichMissMurdstoneembellishedherselfwhenshewasdressed,generallyhunguponthelooking-glassinformidablearray.AswellasIcouldmakeout,shehadcomeforgood,andhadnointentionofevergoingagain.Shebeganto'help'mymothernextmorning,andwasinandoutofthestore-closetallday,puttingthingstorights,andmakinghavocintheoldarrangements.AlmostthefirstremarkablethingIobservedinMissMurdstonewas,herbeingconstantlyhauntedbyasuspicionthattheservantshadamansecretedsomewhereonthepremises.Undertheinfluenceofthisdelusion,shedivedintothecoal-cellaratthemostuntimelyhours,andscarcelyeveropenedthedoorofadarkcupboardwithoutclappingittoagain,inthebeliefthatshehadgothim.ThoughtherewasnothingveryairyaboutMissMurdstone,shewasaperfectLarkinpointofgettingup.Shewasup(and,asIbelievetothishour,lookingforthatman)beforeanybodyinthehousewasstirring.Peggottygaveitasheropinionthatsheevensleptwith
oneeyeopen;butIcouldnotconcurinthisidea;forItrieditmyselfafterhearingthesuggestionthrownout,andfounditcouldn'tbedone.Ontheveryfirstmorningafterherarrivalshewasupandringingherbellatcock-crow.Whenmymothercamedowntobreakfastandwasgoingtomakethetea,MissMurdstonegaveherakindofpeckonthecheek,whichwashernearestapproachtoakiss,andsaid:'Now,Clara,mydear,Iamcomehere,youknow,torelieveyouofallthetroubleIcan.You'remuchtooprettyandthoughtless'-mymotherblushedbutlaughed,andseemednottodislikethischaracter-'tohaveanydutiesimposeduponyouthatcanbeundertakenbyme.Ifyou'llbesogoodasgivemeyourkeys,mydear,I'llattendtoallthissortofthinginfuture.'Fromthattime,MissMurdstonekeptthekeysinherownlittlejailallday,andunderherpillowallnight,andmymotherhadnomoretodowiththemthanIhad.Mymotherdidnotsufferherauthoritytopassfromherwithoutashadowofprotest.OnenightwhenMissMurdstonehadbeendevelopingcertainhouseholdplanstoherbrother,ofwhichhe
signifiedhisapprobation,mymothersuddenlybegantocry,andsaidshethoughtshemighthavebeenconsulted.'Clara!'saidMr.Murdstonesternly.'Clara!Iwonderatyou.''Oh,it'sverywelltosayyouwonder,Edward!'criedmymother,'andit'sverywellforyoutotalkaboutfirmness,butyouwouldn'tlikeityourself.'Firmness,Imayobserve,wasthegrandqualityonwhichbothMr.andMissMurdstonetooktheirstand.HoweverImighthaveexpressedmycomprehensionofitatthattime,ifIhadbeencalledupon,Ineverthelessdidclearlycomprehendinmyownway,thatitwasanothernamefortyranny;andforacertaingloomy,arrogant,devil'shumour,thatwasinthemboth.Thecreed,asIshouldstateitnow,wasthis.Mr.Murdstonewasfirm;nobodyinhisworldwastobesofirmasMr.Murdstone;nobodyelseinhisworldwastobefirmatall,foreverybodywastobebenttohisfirmness.MissMurdstonewasanexception.Shemightbefirm,butonlybyrelationship,andinaninferiorandtributarydegree.Mymotherwasanotherexception.Shemightbefirm,andmustbe;butonlyinbearingtheirfirmness,andfirmlybelievingtherewasnootherfirmnessuponearth.
'It'sveryhard,'saidmymother,'thatinmyownhouse-''Myownhouse?'repeatedMr.Murdstone.'Clara!''OURownhouse,Imean,'falteredmymother,evidentlyfrightened-'IhopeyoumustknowwhatImean,Edward-it'sveryhardthatinYOURownhouseImaynothaveawordtosayaboutdomesticmatters.IamsureImanagedverywellbeforeweweremarried.There'sevidence,'saidmymother,sobbing;'askPeggottyifIdidn'tdoverywellwhenIwasn'tinterferedwith!''Edward,'saidMissMurdstone,'lettherebeanendofthis.Igotomorrow.''JaneMurdstone,'saidherbrother,'besilent!Howdareyoutoinsinuatethatyoudon'tknowmycharacterbetterthanyourwordsimply?''Iamsure,'mypoormotherwenton,atagrievousdisadvantage,andwithmanytears,'Idon'twantanybodytogo.Ishouldbeverymiserableandunhappyifanybodywastogo.Idon'taskmuch.Iamnotunreasonable.Ionlywanttobeconsultedsometimes.Iam
verymuchobligedtoanybodywhoassistsme,andIonlywanttobeconsultedasamereform,sometimes.Ithoughtyouwerepleased,once,withmybeingalittleinexperiencedandgirlish,Edward-Iamsureyousaidso-butyouseemtohatemeforitnow,youaresosevere.''Edward,'saidMissMurdstone,again,'lettherebeanendofthis.Igotomorrow.''JaneMurdstone,'thunderedMr.Murdstone.'Willyoubesilent?Howdareyou?'MissMurdstonemadeajail-deliveryofherpocket-handkerchief,andhelditbeforehereyes.'Clara,'hecontinued,lookingatmymother,'yousurpriseme!Youastoundme!Yes,Ihadasatisfactioninthethoughtofmarryinganinexperiencedandartlessperson,andforminghercharacter,andinfusingintoitsomeamountofthatfirmnessanddecisionofwhichitstoodinneed.ButwhenJaneMurdstoneiskindenoughtocometomyassistanceinthisendeavour,andtoassume,formysake,aconditionsomethinglikeahousekeeper's,andwhenshemeetswithabasereturn-'
'Oh,pray,pray,Edward,'criedmymother,'don'taccusemeofbeingungrateful.IamsureIamnotungrateful.NooneeversaidIwasbefore.Ihavemanyfaults,butnotthat.Oh,don't,mydear!''WhenJaneMurdstonemeets,Isay,'hewenton,afterwaitinguntilmymotherwassilent,'withabasereturn,thatfeelingofmineischilledandaltered.''Don't,mylove,saythat!'imploredmymotherverypiteously.'Oh,don't,Edward!Ican'tbeartohearit.WhateverIam,Iamaffectionate.IknowIamaffectionate.Iwouldn'tsayit,ifIwasn'tsurethatIam.AskPeggotty.Iamsureshe'lltellyouI'maffectionate.''Thereisnoextentofmereweakness,Clara,'saidMr.Murdstoneinreply,'thatcanhavetheleastweightwithme.Youlosebreath.''Prayletusbefriends,'saidmymother,'Icouldn'tliveundercoldnessorunkindness.Iamsosorry.Ihaveagreatmanydefects,Iknow,andit'sverygoodofyou,Edward,withyourstrengthofmind,toendeavourtocorrectthemforme.Jane,I
don'tobjecttoanything.Ishouldbequitebroken-heartedifyouthoughtofleaving-'Mymotherwastoomuchovercometogoon.'JaneMurdstone,'saidMr.Murdstonetohissister,'anyharshwordsbetweenusare,Ihope,uncommon.Itisnotmyfaultthatsounusualanoccurrencehastakenplacetonight.Iwasbetrayedintoitbyanother.Norisityourfault.Youwerebetrayedintoitbyanother.Letusbothtrytoforgetit.Andasthis,'headded,afterthesemagnanimouswords,'isnotafitscenefortheboy-David,gotobed!'Icouldhardlyfindthedoor,throughthetearsthatstoodinmyeyes.Iwassosorryformymother'sdistress;butIgropedmywayout,andgropedmywayuptomyroominthedark,withoutevenhavingthehearttosaygoodnighttoPeggotty,ortogetacandlefromher.Whenhercominguptolookforme,anhourorsoafterwards,awokeme,shesaidthatmymotherhadgonetobedpoorly,andthatMr.andMissMurdstoneweresittingalone.Goingdownnextmorningratherearlierthanusual,Ipausedoutsidetheparlourdoor,onhearingmymother'svoice.ShewasveryearnestlyandhumblyentreatingMissMurdstone'spardon,whichthatladygranted,andaperfectreconciliationtookplace.Inever
knewmymotherafterwardstogiveanopiniononanymatter,withoutfirstappealingtoMissMurdstone,orwithouthavingfirstascertainedbysomesuremeans,whatMissMurdstone'sopinionwas;andIneversawMissMurdstone,whenoutoftemper(shewasinfirmthatway),moveherhandtowardsherbagasifsheweregoingtotakeoutthekeysandoffertoresignthemtomymother,withoutseeingthatmymotherwasinaterriblefright.ThegloomytaintthatwasintheMurdstoneblood,darkenedtheMurdstonereligion,whichwasaustereandwrathful.Ihavethought,since,thatitsassumingthatcharacterwasanecessaryconsequenceofMr.Murdstone'sfirmness,whichwouldn'tallowhimtoletanybodyofffromtheutmostweightoftheseverestpenaltieshecouldfindanyexcusefor.Bethisasitmay,Iwellrememberthetremendousvisageswithwhichweusedtogotochurch,andthechangedairoftheplace.Again,thedreadedSundaycomesround,andIfileintotheoldpewfirst,likeaguardedcaptivebroughttoacondemnedservice.Again,MissMurdstone,inablackvelvetgown,thatlooksasifithadbeenmadeoutofapall,followscloseuponme;thenmymother;thenherhusband.ThereisnoPeggottynow,asintheoldtime.Again,IlistentoMissMurdstonemumblingtheresponses,andemphasizingallthedreadwordswithacruelrelish.Again,Iseeherdarkeyesrollround
thechurchwhenshesays'miserablesinners',asifshewerecallingallthecongregationnames.Again,Icatchrareglimpsesofmymother,movingherlipstimidlybetweenthetwo,withoneofthemmutteringateachearlikelowthunder.Again,Iwonderwithasuddenfearwhetheritislikelythatourgoodoldclergymancanbewrong,andMr.andMissMurdstoneright,andthatalltheangelsinHeavencanbedestroyingangels.Again,ifImoveafingerorrelaxamuscleofmyface,MissMurdstonepokesmewithherprayer-book,andmakesmysideache.Yes,andagain,aswewalkhome,Inotesomeneighbourslookingatmymotherandatme,andwhispering.Again,asthethreegoonarm-in-arm,andIlingerbehindalone,Ifollowsomeofthoselooks,andwonderifmymother'sstepbereallynotsolightasIhaveseenit,andifthegaietyofherbeautybereallyalmostworriedaway.Again,Iwonderwhetheranyoftheneighbourscalltomind,asIdo,howweusedtowalkhometogether,sheandI;andIwonderstupidlyaboutthat,allthedrearydismalday.Therehadbeensometalkonoccasionsofmygoingtoboarding-school.Mr.andMissMurdstonehadoriginatedit,andmymotherhadofcourseagreedwiththem.Nothing,however,wasconcludedonthesubjectyet.Inthemeantime,Ilearntlessonsathome.
ShallIeverforgetthoselessons!Theywerepresidedovernominallybymymother,butreallybyMr.Murdstoneandhissister,whowerealwayspresent,andfoundthemafavourableoccasionforgivingmymotherlessonsinthatmiscalledfirmness,whichwasthebaneofbothourlives.IbelieveIwaskeptathomeforthatpurpose.Ihadbeenaptenoughtolearn,andwillingenough,whenmymotherandIhadlivedalonetogether.Icanfaintlyrememberlearningthealphabetatherknee.Tothisday,whenIlookuponthefatblacklettersintheprimer,thepuzzlingnoveltyoftheirshapes,andtheeasygood-natureofOandQandS,seemtopresentthemselvesagainbeforemeastheyusedtodo.Buttheyrecallnofeelingofdisgustorreluctance.Onthecontrary,Iseemtohavewalkedalongapathofflowersasfarasthecrocodile-book,andtohavebeencheeredbythegentlenessofmymother'svoiceandmanneralltheway.Butthesesolemnlessonswhichsucceededthose,Irememberasthedeath-blowofmypeace,andagrievousdailydrudgeryandmisery.Theywereverylong,verynumerous,veryhard-perfectlyunintelligible,someofthem,tome-andIwasgenerallyasmuchbewilderedbythemasIbelievemypoormotherwasherself.Letmerememberhowitusedtobe,andbringonemorningbackagain.
Icomeintothesecond-bestparlourafterbreakfast,withmybooks,andanexercise-book,andaslate.Mymotherisreadyformeatherwriting-desk,butnothalfsoreadyasMr.Murdstoneinhiseasy-chairbythewindow(thoughhepretendstobereadingabook),orasMissMurdstone,sittingnearmymotherstringingsteelbeads.Theverysightofthesetwohassuchaninfluenceoverme,thatIbegintofeelthewordsIhavebeenatinfinitepainstogetintomyhead,allslidingaway,andgoingIdon'tknowwhere.Iwonderwheretheydogo,bytheby?Ihandthefirstbooktomymother.Perhapsitisagrammar,perhapsahistory,orgeography.ItakealastdrowninglookatthepageasIgiveitintoherhand,andstartoffaloudataracingpacewhileIhavegotitfresh.Itripoveraword.Mr.Murdstonelooksup.Itripoveranotherword.MissMurdstonelooksup.Iredden,tumbleoverhalf-a-dozenwords,andstop.Ithinkmymotherwouldshowmethebookifshedared,butshedoesnotdare,andshesayssoftly:'Oh,Davy,Davy!''Now,Clara,'saysMr.Murdstone,'befirmwiththeboy.Don't
say,"Oh,Davy,Davy!"That'schildish.Heknowshislesson,orhedoesnotknowit.''HedoesNOTknowit,'MissMurdstoneinterposesawfully.'Iamreallyafraidhedoesnot,'saysmymother.'Then,yousee,Clara,'returnsMissMurdstone,'youshouldjustgivehimthebookback,andmakehimknowit.''Yes,certainly,'saysmymother;'thatiswhatIintendtodo,mydearJane.Now,Davy,tryoncemore,anddon'tbestupid.'Iobeythefirstclauseoftheinjunctionbytryingoncemore,butamnotsosuccessfulwiththesecond,forIamverystupid.ItumbledownbeforeIgettotheoldplace,atapointwhereIwasallrightbefore,andstoptothink.ButIcan'tthinkaboutthelesson.IthinkofthenumberofyardsofnetinMissMurdstone'scap,orofthepriceofMr.Murdstone'sdressing-gown,oranysuchridiculousproblemthatIhavenobusinesswith,anddon'twanttohaveanythingatalltodowith.Mr.MurdstonemakesamovementofimpatiencewhichIhavebeenexpectingforalongtime.MissMurdstonedoesthesame.Mymotherglancessubmissivelyatthem,
shutsthebook,andlaysitbyasanarreartobeworkedoutwhenmyothertasksaredone.Thereisapileofthesearrearsverysoon,anditswellslikearollingsnowball.Thebiggeritgets,themorestupidIget.Thecaseissohopeless,andIfeelthatIamwallowinginsuchabogofnonsense,thatIgiveupallideaofgettingout,andabandonmyselftomyfate.ThedespairingwayinwhichmymotherandIlookateachother,asIblunderon,istrulymelancholy.Butthegreatesteffectinthesemiserablelessonsiswhenmymother(thinkingnobodyisobservingher)triestogivemethecuebythemotionofherlips.Atthatinstant,MissMurdstone,whohasbeenlyinginwaitfornothingelseallalong,saysinadeepwarningvoice:'Clara!'Mymotherstarts,colours,andsmilesfaintly.Mr.Murdstonecomesoutofhischair,takesthebook,throwsitatmeorboxesmyearswithit,andturnsmeoutoftheroombytheshoulders.Evenwhenthelessonsaredone,theworstisyettohappen,intheshapeofanappallingsum.Thisisinventedforme,anddelivered
tomeorallybyMr.Murdstone,andbegins,'IfIgointoacheesemonger'sshop,andbuyfivethousanddouble-Gloucestercheesesatfourpence-halfpennyeach,presentpayment'-atwhichIseeMissMurdstonesecretlyoverjoyed.Iporeoverthesecheeseswithoutanyresultorenlightenmentuntildinner-time,when,havingmadeaMulattoofmyselfbygettingthedirtoftheslateintotheporesofmyskin,Ihaveasliceofbreadtohelpmeoutwiththecheeses,andamconsideredindisgracefortherestoftheevening.Itseemstome,atthisdistanceoftime,asifmyunfortunatestudiesgenerallytookthiscourse.IcouldhavedoneverywellifIhadbeenwithouttheMurdstones;buttheinfluenceoftheMurdstonesuponmewaslikethefascinationoftwosnakesonawretchedyoungbird.EvenwhenIdidgetthroughthemorningwithtolerablecredit,therewasnotmuchgainedbutdinner;forMissMurdstonenevercouldenduretoseemeuntasked,andifIrashlymadeanyshowofbeingunemployed,calledherbrother'sattentiontomebysaying,'Clara,mydear,there'snothinglikework-giveyourboyanexercise';whichcausedmetobeclappeddowntosomenewlabour,thereandthen.Astoanyrecreationwithotherchildrenofmyage,Ihadverylittleofthat;forthegloomytheologyoftheMurdstonesmadeallchildrenouttobeaswarmoflittlevipers(thoughthereWASachildoncesetinthemidstof
theDisciples),andheldthattheycontaminatedoneanother.Thenaturalresultofthistreatment,continued,Isuppose,forsomesixmonthsormore,wastomakemesullen,dull,anddogged.Iwasnotmadethelesssobymysenseofbeingdailymoreandmoreshutoutandalienatedfrommymother.IbelieveIshouldhavebeenalmoststupefiedbutforonecircumstance.Itwasthis.Myfatherhadleftasmallcollectionofbooksinalittleroomupstairs,towhichIhadaccess(foritadjoinedmyown)andwhichnobodyelseinourhouseevertroubled.Fromthatblessedlittleroom,RoderickRandom,PeregrinePickle,HumphreyClinker,TomJones,theVicarofWakefield,DonQuixote,GilBlas,andRobinsonCrusoe,cameout,aglorioushost,tokeepmecompany.Theykeptalivemyfancy,andmyhopeofsomethingbeyondthatplaceandtime,-they,andtheArabianNights,andtheTalesoftheGenii,-anddidmenoharm;forwhateverharmwasinsomeofthemwasnotthereforme;Iknewnothingofit.Itisastonishingtomenow,howIfoundtime,inthemidstofmyporingsandblunderingsoverheavierthemes,toreadthosebooksasIdid.ItiscurioustomehowIcouldeverhaveconsoledmyselfundermysmalltroubles(whichweregreattroublestome),byimpersonatingmyfavouritecharactersinthem-asIdid-andbyputtingMr.and
MissMurdstoneintoallthebadones-whichIdidtoo.IhavebeenTomJones(achild'sTomJones,aharmlesscreature)foraweektogether.IhavesustainedmyownideaofRoderickRandomforamonthatastretch,Iverilybelieve.IhadagreedyrelishforafewvolumesofVoyagesandTravels-Iforgetwhat,now-thatwereonthoseshelves;andfordaysanddaysIcanremembertohavegoneaboutmyregionofourhouse,armedwiththecentre-pieceoutofanoldsetofboot-trees-theperfectrealizationofCaptainSomebody,oftheRoyalBritishNavy,indangerofbeingbesetbysavages,andresolvedtosellhislifeatagreatprice.TheCaptainneverlostdignity,fromhavinghisearsboxedwiththeLatinGrammar.Idid;buttheCaptainwasaCaptainandahero,indespiteofallthegrammarsofallthelanguagesintheworld,deadoralive.Thiswasmyonlyandmyconstantcomfort.WhenIthinkofit,thepicturealwaysrisesinmymind,ofasummerevening,theboysatplayinthechurchyard,andIsittingonmybed,readingasifforlife.Everybarnintheneighbourhood,everystoneinthechurch,andeveryfootofthechurchyard,hadsomeassociationofitsown,inmymind,connectedwiththesebooks,andstoodforsomelocalitymadefamousinthem.IhaveseenTomPipesgoclimbingupthechurch-steeple;IhavewatchedStrap,withtheknapsackonhis
back,stoppingtoresthimselfuponthewicket-gate;andIknowthatCommodoreTrunnionheldthatclubwithMr.Pickle,intheparlourofourlittlevillagealehouse.Thereadernowunderstands,aswellasIdo,whatIwaswhenIcametothatpointofmyyouthfulhistorytowhichIamnowcomingagain.OnemorningwhenIwentintotheparlourwithmybooks,Ifoundmymotherlookinganxious,MissMurdstonelookingfirm,andMr.Murdstonebindingsomethingroundthebottomofacane-alitheandlimbercane,whichheleftoffbindingwhenIcamein,andpoisedandswitchedintheair.'Itellyou,Clara,'saidMr.Murdstone,'Ihavebeenoftenfloggedmyself.''Tobesure;ofcourse,'saidMissMurdstone.'Certainly,mydearJane,'falteredmymother,meekly.'But-butdoyouthinkitdidEdwardgood?''DoyouthinkitdidEdwardharm,Clara?'askedMr.Murdstone,
gravely.'That'sthepoint,'saidhissister.Tothismymotherreturned,'Certainly,mydearJane,'andsaidnomore.IfeltapprehensivethatIwaspersonallyinterestedinthisdialogue,andsoughtMr.Murdstone'seyeasitlightedonmine.'Now,David,'hesaid-andIsawthatcastagainashesaidit-'youmustbefarmorecarefultodaythanusual.'Hegavethecaneanotherpoise,andanotherswitch;andhavingfinishedhispreparationofit,laiditdownbesidehim,withanimpressivelook,andtookuphisbook.Thiswasagoodfreshenertomypresenceofmind,asabeginning.Ifeltthewordsofmylessonsslippingoff,notonebyone,orlinebyline,butbytheentirepage;Itriedtolayholdofthem;buttheyseemed,ifImaysoexpressit,tohaveputskateson,andtoskimawayfrommewithasmoothnesstherewasnochecking.Webeganbadly,andwentonworse.Ihadcomeinwithanideaof
distinguishingmyselfrather,conceivingthatIwasverywellprepared;butitturnedouttobequiteamistake.Bookafterbookwasaddedtotheheapoffailures,MissMurdstonebeingfirmlywatchfulofusallthetime.Andwhenwecameatlasttothefivethousandcheeses(caneshemadeitthatday,Iremember),mymotherburstoutcrying.'Clara!'saidMissMurdstone,inherwarningvoice.'Iamnotquitewell,mydearJane,Ithink,'saidmymother.Isawhimwink,solemnly,athissister,asheroseandsaid,takingupthecane:'Why,Jane,wecanhardlyexpectClaratobear,withperfectfirmness,theworryandtormentthatDavidhasoccasionedhertoday.Thatwouldbestoical.Claraisgreatlystrengthenedandimproved,butwecanhardlyexpectsomuchfromher.David,youandIwillgoupstairs,boy.'Ashetookmeoutatthedoor,mymotherrantowardsus.MissMurdstonesaid,'Clara!areyouaperfectfool?'andinterfered.Isawmymotherstopherearsthen,andIheardhercrying.
Hewalkedmeuptomyroomslowlyandgravely-Iamcertainhehadadelightinthatformalparadeofexecutingjustice-andwhenwegotthere,suddenlytwistedmyheadunderhisarm.'Mr.Murdstone!Sir!'Icriedtohim.'Don't!Praydon'tbeatme!Ihavetriedtolearn,sir,butIcan'tlearnwhileyouandMissMurdstoneareby.Ican'tindeed!''Can'tyou,indeed,David?'hesaid.'We'lltrythat.'Hehadmyheadasinavice,butItwinedroundhimsomehow,andstoppedhimforamoment,entreatinghimnottobeatme.ItwasonlyamomentthatIstoppedhim,forhecutmeheavilyaninstantafterwards,andinthesameinstantIcaughtthehandwithwhichheheldmeinmymouth,betweenmyteeth,andbititthrough.Itsetsmyteethonedgetothinkofit.Hebeatmethen,asifhewouldhavebeatenmetodeath.Aboveallthenoisewemade,Iheardthemrunningupthestairs,andcryingout-Iheardmymothercryingout-andPeggotty.Thenhewasgone;andthedoorwaslockedoutside;andIwaslying,feveredandhot,andtorn,andsore,andraginginmypunyway,uponthefloor.
HowwellIrecollect,whenIbecamequiet,whatanunnaturalstillnessseemedtoreignthroughthewholehouse!HowwellIremember,whenmysmartandpassionbegantocool,howwickedIbegantofeel!Isatlisteningforalongwhile,buttherewasnotasound.Icrawledupfromthefloor,andsawmyfaceintheglass,soswollen,red,anduglythatitalmostfrightenedme.Mystripesweresoreandstiff,andmademecryafresh,whenImoved;buttheywerenothingtotheguiltIfelt.ItlayheavieronmybreastthanifIhadbeenamostatrociouscriminal,Idaresay.Ithadbeguntogrowdark,andIhadshutthewindow(Ihadbeenlying,forthemostpart,withmyheaduponthesill,byturnscrying,dozing,andlookinglistlesslyout),whenthekeywasturned,andMissMurdstonecameinwithsomebreadandmeat,andmilk.Thesesheputdownuponthetablewithoutaword,glaringatmethewhilewithexemplaryfirmness,andthenretired,lockingthedoorafterher.LongafteritwasdarkIsatthere,wonderingwhetheranybodyelsewouldcome.Whenthisappearedimprobableforthatnight,I
undressed,andwenttobed;and,there,Ibegantowonderfearfullywhatwouldbedonetome.WhetheritwasacriminalactthatIhadcommitted?WhetherIshouldbetakenintocustody,andsenttoprison?WhetherIwasatallindangerofbeinghanged?Inevershallforgetthewaking,nextmorning;thebeingcheerfulandfreshforthefirstmoment,andthenthebeingweigheddownbythestaleanddismaloppressionofremembrance.MissMurdstonereappearedbeforeIwasoutofbed;toldme,insomanywords,thatIwasfreetowalkinthegardenforhalfanhourandnolonger;andretired,leavingthedooropen,thatImightavailmyselfofthatpermission.Ididso,anddidsoeverymorningofmyimprisonment,whichlastedfivedays.IfIcouldhaveseenmymotheralone,Ishouldhavegonedownonmykneestoherandbesoughtherforgiveness;butIsawnoone,MissMurdstoneexcepted,duringthewholetime-exceptateveningprayersintheparlour;towhichIwasescortedbyMissMurdstoneaftereverybodyelsewasplaced;whereIwasstationed,ayoungoutlaw,allalonebymyselfnearthedoor;andwhenceIwassolemnlyconductedbymyjailer,beforeanyonearosefromthedevotionalposture.Ionlyobservedthatmymotherwasasfarofffrommeasshecouldbe,andkeptherfaceanotherwaysothatI
neversawit;andthatMr.Murdstone'shandwasboundupinalargelinenwrapper.ThelengthofthosefivedaysIcanconveynoideaoftoanyone.Theyoccupytheplaceofyearsinmyremembrance.ThewayinwhichIlistenedtoalltheincidentsofthehousethatmadethemselvesaudibletome;theringingofbells,theopeningandshuttingofdoors,themurmuringofvoices,thefootstepsonthestairs;toanylaughing,whistling,orsinging,outside,whichseemedmoredismalthananythingelsetomeinmysolitudeanddisgrace-theuncertainpaceofthehours,especiallyatnight,whenIwouldwakethinkingitwasmorning,andfindthatthefamilywerenotyetgonetobed,andthatallthelengthofnighthadyettocome-thedepresseddreamsandnightmaresIhad-thereturnofday,noon,afternoon,evening,whentheboysplayedinthechurchyard,andIwatchedthemfromadistancewithintheroom,beingashamedtoshowmyselfatthewindowlesttheyshouldknowIwasaprisoner-thestrangesensationofneverhearingmyselfspeak-thefleetingintervalsofsomethinglikecheerfulness,whichcamewitheatinganddrinking,andwentawaywithit-thesettinginofrainoneevening,withafreshsmell,anditscomingdownfasterandfasterbetweenmeandthechurch,untilitandgatheringnightseemedtoquenchmeingloom,andfear,andremorse-allthisappearsto
havegoneroundandroundforyearsinsteadofdays,itissovividlyandstronglystampedonmyremembrance.Onthelastnightofmyrestraint,Iwasawakenedbyhearingmyownnamespokeninawhisper.Istartedupinbed,andputtingoutmyarmsinthedark,said:'Isthatyou,Peggotty?'Therewasnoimmediateanswer,butpresentlyIheardmynameagain,inatonesoverymysteriousandawful,thatIthinkIshouldhavegoneintoafit,ifithadnotoccurredtomethatitmusthavecomethroughthekeyhole.Igropedmywaytothedoor,andputtingmyownlipstothekeyhole,whispered:'Isthatyou,Peggottydear?''Yes,myownpreciousDavy,'shereplied.'Beassoftasamouse,ortheCat'llhearus.'IunderstoodthistomeanMissMurdstone,andwassensibleoftheurgencyofthecase;herroombeingcloseby.'How'smama,dearPeggotty?Issheveryangrywithme?'
IcouldhearPeggottycryingsoftlyonhersideofthekeyhole,asIwasdoingonmine,beforesheanswered.'No.Notvery.''Whatisgoingtobedonewithme,Peggottydear?Doyouknow?''School.NearLondon,'wasPeggotty'sanswer.Iwasobligedtogethertorepeatit,forshespokeitthefirsttimequitedownmythroat,inconsequenceofmyhavingforgottentotakemymouthawayfromthekeyholeandputmyearthere;andthoughherwordstickledmeagooddeal,Ididn'thearthem.'When,Peggotty?''Tomorrow.''IsthatthereasonwhyMissMurdstonetooktheclothesoutofmydrawers?'whichshehaddone,thoughIhaveforgottentomentionit.'Yes,'saidPeggotty.'Box.''Shan'tIseemama?'
'Yes,'saidPeggotty.'Morning.'ThenPeggottyfittedhermouthclosetothekeyhole,anddeliveredthesewordsthroughitwithasmuchfeelingandearnestnessasakeyholehaseverbeenthemediumofcommunicating,Iwillventuretoassert:shootingineachbrokenlittlesentenceinaconvulsivelittleburstofitsown.'Davy,dear.IfIain'tbeenazacklyasintimatewithyou.Lately,asIusedtobe.Itain'tbecauseIdon'tloveyou.justaswellandmore,myprettypoppet.It'sbecauseIthoughtitbetterforyou.Andforsomeoneelsebesides.Davy,mydarling,areyoulistening?Canyouhear?''Ye-ye-ye-yes,Peggotty!'Isobbed.'Myown!'saidPeggotty,withinfinitecompassion.'WhatIwanttosay,is.Thatyoumustneverforgetme.ForI'llneverforgetyou.AndI'lltakeasmuchcareofyourmama,Davy.AseverItookofyou.AndIwon'tleaveher.Thedaymaycomewhenshe'llbegladtolayherpoorhead.Onherstupid,crossoldPeggotty'sarmagain.AndI'llwritetoyou,mydear.ThoughIain'tno
scholar.AndI'll-I'll-'Peggottyfelltokissingthekeyhole,asshecouldn'tkissme.'Thankyou,dearPeggotty!'saidI.'Oh,thankyou!Thankyou!Willyoupromisemeonething,Peggotty?WillyouwriteandtellMr.PeggottyandlittleEm'ly,andMrs.GummidgeandHam,thatIamnotsobadastheymightsuppose,andthatIsent'emallmylove-especiallytolittleEm'ly?Willyou,ifyouplease,Peggotty?'Thekindsoulpromised,andwebothofuskissedthekeyholewiththegreatestaffection-Ipatteditwithmyhand,Irecollect,asifithadbeenherhonestface-andparted.FromthatnighttheregrewupinmybreastafeelingforPeggottywhichIcannotverywelldefine.Shedidnotreplacemymother;noonecoulddothat;butshecameintoavacancyinmyheart,whichcloseduponher,andIfelttowardshersomethingIhaveneverfeltforanyotherhumanbeing.Itwasasortofcomicalaffection,too;andyetifshehaddied,IcannotthinkwhatIshouldhavedone,orhowIshouldhaveactedoutthetragedyitwouldhavebeentome.InthemorningMissMurdstoneappearedasusual,andtoldmeIwasgoingtoschool;whichwasnotaltogethersuchnewstomeasshesupposed.ShealsoinformedmethatwhenIwasdressed,Iwasto
comedownstairsintotheparlour,andhavemybreakfast.There,Ifoundmymother,verypaleandwithredeyes:intowhosearmsIran,andbeggedherpardonfrommysufferingsoul.'Oh,Davy!'shesaid.'ThatyoucouldhurtanyoneIlove!Trytobebetter,praytobebetter!Iforgiveyou;butIamsogrieved,Davy,thatyoushouldhavesuchbadpassionsinyourheart.'TheyhadpersuadedherthatIwasawickedfellow,andshewasmoresorryforthatthanformygoingaway.Ifeltitsorely.Itriedtoeatmypartingbreakfast,butmytearsdroppeduponmybread-and-butter,andtrickledintomytea.Isawmymotherlookatmesometimes,andthenglanceatthewatchfulMissMurdstone,andthanlookdown,orlookaway.'MasterCopperfield'sboxthere!'saidMissMurdstone,whenwheelswereheardatthegate.IlookedforPeggotty,butitwasnotshe;neithershenorMr.Murdstoneappeared.Myformeracquaintance,thecarrier,wasatthedoor.theboxwastakenouttohiscart,andliftedin.'Clara!'saidMissMurdstone,inherwarningnote.
'Ready,mydearJane,'returnedmymother.'Good-bye,Davy.Youaregoingforyourowngood.Good-bye,mychild.Youwillcomehomeintheholidays,andbeabetterboy.''Clara!'MissMurdstonerepeated.'Certainly,mydearJane,'repliedmymother,whowasholdingme.'Iforgiveyou,mydearboy.Godblessyou!''Clara!'MissMurdstonerepeated.MissMurdstonewasgoodenoughtotakemeouttothecart,andtosayonthewaythatshehopedIwouldrepent,beforeIcametoabadend;andthenIgotintothecart,andthelazyhorsewalkedoffwithit.CHAPTER5IAMSENTAWAYFROMHOMEWemighthavegoneabouthalfamile,andmypocket-handkerchief
wasquitewetthrough,whenthecarrierstoppedshort.Lookingouttoascertainforwhat,Isaw,toMYamazement,Peggottyburstfromahedgeandclimbintothecart.Shetookmeinbothherarms,andsqueezedmetoherstaysuntilthepressureonmynosewasextremelypainful,thoughIneverthoughtofthattillafterwardswhenIfounditverytender.NotasingleworddidPeggottyspeak.Releasingoneofherarms,sheputitdowninherpockettotheelbow,andbroughtoutsomepaperbagsofcakeswhichshecrammedintomypockets,andapursewhichsheputintomyhand,butnotoneworddidshesay.Afteranotherandafinalsqueezewithbotharms,shegotdownfromthecartandranaway;and,mybeliefis,andhasalwaysbeen,withoutasolitarybuttononhergown.Ipickedupone,ofseveralthatwererollingabout,andtreasureditasakeepsakeforalongtime.Thecarrierlookedatme,asiftoinquireifshewerecomingback.Ishookmyhead,andsaidIthoughtnot.'Thencomeup,'saidthecarriertothelazyhorse;whocameupaccordingly.HavingbythistimecriedasmuchasIpossiblycould,Ibegantothinkitwasofnousecryinganymore,especiallyasneitherRoderickRandom,northatCaptainintheRoyalBritishNavy,hadevercried,thatIcouldremember,intryingsituations.The
carrier,seeingmeinthisresolution,proposedthatmypocket-handkerchiefshouldbespreaduponthehorse'sbacktodry.Ithankedhim,andassented;andparticularlysmallitlooked,underthosecircumstances.Ihadnowleisuretoexaminethepurse.Itwasastiffleatherpurse,withasnap,andhadthreebrightshillingsinit,whichPeggottyhadevidentlypolishedupwithwhitening,formygreaterdelight.Butitsmostpreciouscontentsweretwohalf-crownsfoldedtogetherinabitofpaper,onwhichwaswritten,inmymother'shand,'ForDavy.Withmylove.'Iwassoovercomebythis,thatIaskedthecarriertobesogoodastoreachmemypocket-handkerchiefagain;buthesaidhethoughtIhadbetterdowithoutit,andIthoughtIreallyhad,soIwipedmyeyesonmysleeveandstoppedmyself.Forgood,too;though,inconsequenceofmypreviousemotions,Iwasstilloccasionallyseizedwithastormysob.Afterwehadjoggedonforsomelittletime,Iaskedthecarrierifhewasgoingalltheway.'Allthewaywhere?'inquiredthecarrier.
'There,'Isaid.'Where'sthere?'inquiredthecarrier.'NearLondon,'Isaid.'Whythathorse,'saidthecarrier,jerkingthereintopointhimout,'wouldbedeaderthanporkaforehegotoverhalftheground.''AreyouonlygoingtoYarmouththen?'Iasked.'That'saboutit,'saidthecarrier.'AndthereIshalltakeyoutothestage-cutch,andthestage-cutchthat'lltakeyouto-whereveritis.'Asthiswasagreatdealforthecarrier(whosenamewasMr.Barkis)tosay-hebeing,asIobservedinaformerchapter,ofaphlegmatictemperament,andnotatallconversational-Iofferedhimacakeasamarkofattention,whichheateatonegulp,exactlylikeanelephant,andwhichmadenomoreimpressiononhisbigfacethanitwouldhavedoneonanelephant's.'DidSHEmake'em,now?'saidMr.Barkis,alwaysleaningforward,
inhisslouchingway,onthefootboardofthecartwithanarmoneachknee.'Peggotty,doyoumean,sir?''Ah!'saidMr.Barkis.'Her.''Yes.Shemakesallourpastry,anddoesallourcooking.''Doshethough?'saidMr.Barkis.Hemadeuphismouthasiftowhistle,buthedidn'twhistle.Hesatlookingatthehorse'sears,asifhesawsomethingnewthere;andsatso,foraconsiderabletime.Byandby,hesaid:'Nosweethearts,Ib'lieve?''Sweetmeatsdidyousay,Mr.Barkis?'ForIthoughthewantedsomethingelsetoeat,andhadpointedlyalludedtothatdescriptionofrefreshment.'Hearts,'saidMr.Barkis.'Sweethearts;nopersonwalkswithher!'
'WithPeggotty?''Ah!'hesaid.'Her.''Oh,no.Sheneverhadasweetheart.''Didn'tshe,though!'saidMr.Barkis.Againhemadeuphismouthtowhistle,andagainhedidn'twhistle,butsatlookingatthehorse'sears.'Soshemakes,'saidMr.Barkis,afteralongintervalofreflection,'alltheappleparsties,anddoosallthecooking,doshe?'Irepliedthatsuchwasthefact.'Well.I'lltellyouwhat,'saidMr.Barkis.'P'rapsyoumightbewritin'toher?''Ishallcertainlywritetoher,'Irejoined.'Ah!'hesaid,slowlyturninghiseyestowardsme.'Well!Ifyou
waswritin'toher,p'rapsyou'drecollecttosaythatBarkiswaswillin';wouldyou?''ThatBarkisiswilling,'Irepeated,innocently.'Isthatallthemessage?''Ye-es,'hesaid,considering.'Ye-es.Barkisiswillin'.''ButyouwillbeatBlunderstoneagaintomorrow,Mr.Barkis,'Isaid,falteringalittleattheideaofmybeingfarawayfromitthen,andcouldgiveyourownmessagesomuchbetter.'Asherepudiatedthissuggestion,however,withajerkofhishead,andoncemoreconfirmedhispreviousrequestbysaying,withprofoundgravity,'Barkisiswillin'.That'sthemessage,'Ireadilyundertookitstransmission.WhileIwaswaitingforthecoachinthehotelatYarmouththatveryafternoon,Iprocuredasheetofpaperandaninkstand,andwroteanotetoPeggotty,whichranthus:'MydearPeggotty.Ihavecomeheresafe.Barkisiswilling.Mylovetomama.Yoursaffectionately.P.S.Hesaysheparticularlywantsyoutoknow-BARKISISWILLING.'WhenIhadtakenthiscommissiononmyselfprospectively,Mr.
Barkisrelapsedintoperfectsilence;andI,feelingquitewornoutbyallthathadhappenedlately,laydownonasackinthecartandfellasleep.IsleptsoundlyuntilwegottoYarmouth;whichwassoentirelynewandstrangetomeintheinn-yardtowhichwedrove,thatIatonceabandonedalatenthopeIhadhadofmeetingwithsomeofMr.Peggotty'sfamilythere,perhapsevenwithlittleEm'lyherself.Thecoachwasintheyard,shiningverymuchallover,butwithoutanyhorsestoitasyet;anditlookedinthatstateasifnothingwasmoreunlikelythanitsevergoingtoLondon.Iwasthinkingthis,andwonderingwhatwouldultimatelybecomeofmybox,whichMr.Barkishadputdownontheyard-pavementbythepole(hehavingdrivenuptheyardtoturnhiscart),andalsowhatwouldultimatelybecomeofme,whenaladylookedoutofabow-windowwheresomefowlsandjointsofmeatwerehangingup,andsaid:'IsthatthelittlegentlemanfromBlunderstone?''Yes,ma'am,'Isaid.'Whatname?'inquiredthelady.
'Copperfield,ma'am,'Isaid.'Thatwon'tdo,'returnedthelady.'Nobody'sdinnerispaidforhere,inthatname.''IsitMurdstone,ma'am?'Isaid.'Ifyou'reMasterMurdstone,'saidthelady,'whydoyougoandgiveanothername,first?'Iexplainedtotheladyhowitwas,whothanrangabell,andcalledout,'William!showthecoffee-room!'uponwhichawaitercamerunningoutofakitchenontheoppositesideoftheyardtoshowit,andseemedagooddealsurprisedwhenhewasonlytoshowittome.Itwasalargelongroomwithsomelargemapsinit.IdoubtifIcouldhavefeltmuchstrangerifthemapshadbeenrealforeigncountries,andIcastawayinthemiddleofthem.Ifeltitwastakingalibertytositdown,withmycapinmyhand,onthecornerofthechairnearestthedoor;andwhenthewaiterlaidaclothonpurposeforme,andputasetofcastorsonit,IthinkImusthaveturnedredalloverwithmodesty.
Hebroughtmesomechops,andvegetables,andtookthecoversoffinsuchabouncingmannerthatIwasafraidImusthavegivenhimsomeoffence.Buthegreatlyrelievedmymindbyputtingachairformeatthetable,andsaying,veryaffably,'Now,six-foot!comeon!'Ithankedhim,andtookmyseatattheboard;butfounditextremelydifficulttohandlemyknifeandforkwithanythinglikedexterity,ortoavoidsplashingmyselfwiththegravy,whilehewasstandingopposite,staringsohard,andmakingmeblushinthemostdreadfulmannereverytimeIcaughthiseye.Afterwatchingmeintothesecondchop,hesaid:'There'shalfapintofaleforyou.Willyouhaveitnow?'Ithankedhimandsaid,'Yes.'Uponwhichhepoureditoutofajugintoalargetumbler,andhelditupagainstthelight,andmadeitlookbeautiful.'Myeye!'hesaid.'Itseemsagooddeal,don'tit?''Itdoesseemagooddeal,'Iansweredwithasmile.Foritwas
quitedelightfultome,tofindhimsopleasant.Hewasatwinkling-eyed,pimple-facedman,withhishairstandinguprightalloverhishead;andashestoodwithonearma-kimbo,holdinguptheglasstothelightwiththeotherhand,helookedquitefriendly.'Therewasagentlemanhere,yesterday,'hesaid-'astoutgentleman,bythenameofTopsawyer-perhapsyouknowhim?''No,'Isaid,'Idon'tthink-''Inbreechesandgaiters,broad-brimmedhat,greycoat,speckledchoker,'saidthewaiter.'No,'Isaidbashfully,'Ihaven'tthepleasure-''Hecameinhere,'saidthewaiter,lookingatthelightthroughthetumbler,'orderedaglassofthisale-WOULDorderit-Itoldhimnot-drankit,andfelldead.Itwastoooldforhim.Itoughtn'ttobedrawn;that'sthefact.'Iwasverymuchshockedtohearofthismelancholyaccident,andsaidIthoughtIhadbetterhavesomewater.
'Whyyousee,'saidthewaiter,stilllookingatthelightthroughthetumbler,withoneofhiseyesshutup,'ourpeopledon'tlikethingsbeingorderedandleft.Itoffends'em.ButI'lldrinkit,ifyoulike.I'musedtoit,anduseiseverything.Idon'tthinkit'llhurtme,ifIthrowmyheadback,andtakeitoffquick.ShallI?'Irepliedthathewouldmuchobligemebydrinkingit,ifhethoughthecoulddoitsafely,butbynomeansotherwise.Whenhedidthrowhisheadback,andtakeitoffquick,Ihadahorriblefear,Iconfess,ofseeinghimmeetthefateofthelamentedMr.Topsawyer,andfalllifelessonthecarpet.Butitdidn'thurthim.Onthecontrary,Ithoughtheseemedthefresherforit.'Whathavewegothere?'hesaid,puttingaforkintomydish.'Notchops?''Chops,'Isaid.'Lordblessmysoul!'heexclaimed,'Ididn'tknowtheywerechops.Why,achop'stheverythingtotakeoffthebadeffectsofthatbeer!Ain'titlucky?'
Sohetookachopbytheboneinonehand,andapotatointheother,andateawaywithaverygoodappetite,tomyextremesatisfaction.Heafterwardstookanotherchop,andanotherpotato;andafterthat,anotherchopandanotherpotato.Whenwehaddone,hebroughtmeapudding,andhavingsetitbeforeme,seemedtoruminate,andtobecomeabsentinhismindforsomemoments.'How'sthepie?'hesaid,rousinghimself.'It'sapudding,'Imadeanswer.'Pudding!'heexclaimed.'Why,blessme,soitis!What!'lookingatitnearer.'Youdon'tmeantosayit'sabatter-pudding!''Yes,itisindeed.''Why,abatter-pudding,'hesaid,takingupatable-spoon,'ismyfavouritepudding!Ain'tthatlucky?Comeon,little'un,andlet'sseewho'llgetmost.'Thewaitercertainlygotmost.Heentreatedmemorethanoncetocomeinandwin,butwhatwithhistable-spoontomytea-spoon,his
dispatchtomydispatch,andhisappetitetomyappetite,Iwasleftfarbehindatthefirstmouthful,andhadnochancewithhim.Ineversawanyoneenjoyapuddingsomuch,Ithink;andhelaughed,whenitwasallgone,asifhisenjoymentofitlastedstill.Findinghimsoveryfriendlyandcompanionable,itwasthenthatIaskedforthepenandinkandpaper,towritetoPeggotty.Henotonlybroughtitimmediately,butwasgoodenoughtolookovermewhileIwrotetheletter.WhenIhadfinishedit,heaskedmewhereIwasgoingtoschool.Isaid,'NearLondon,'whichwasallIknew.'Oh!myeye!'hesaid,lookingverylow-spirited,'Iamsorryforthat.''Why?'Iaskedhim.'Oh,Lord!'hesaid,shakinghishead,'that'stheschoolwheretheybroketheboy'sribs-tworibs-alittleboyhewas.Ishouldsayhewas-letmesee-howoldareyou,about?'
Itoldhimbetweeneightandnine.'That'sjusthisage,'hesaid.'Hewaseightyearsandsixmonthsoldwhentheybrokehisfirstrib;eightyearsandeightmonthsoldwhentheybrokehissecond,anddidforhim.'Icouldnotdisguisefrommyself,orfromthewaiter,thatthiswasanuncomfortablecoincidence,andinquiredhowitwasdone.Hisanswerwasnotcheeringtomyspirits,foritconsistedoftwodismalwords,'Withwhopping.'Theblowingofthecoach-hornintheyardwasaseasonablediversion,whichmademegetupandhesitatinglyinquire,inthemingledprideanddiffidenceofhavingapurse(whichItookoutofmypocket),iftherewereanythingtopay.'There'sasheetofletter-paper,'hereturned.'Didyoueverbuyasheetofletter-paper?'IcouldnotrememberthatIeverhad.'It'sdear,'hesaid,'onaccountoftheduty.Threepence.That'sthewaywe'retaxedinthiscountry.There'snothingelse,except
thewaiter.Nevermindtheink.Ilosebythat.''Whatshouldyou-whatshouldI-howmuchoughtIto-whatwoulditberighttopaythewaiter,ifyouplease?'Istammered,blushing.'IfIhadn'tafamily,andthatfamilyhadn'tthecowpock,'saidthewaiter,'Iwouldn'ttakeasixpence.IfIdidn'tsupportaagedpairint,andalovelysister,'-herethewaiterwasgreatlyagitated-'Iwouldn'ttakeafarthing.IfIhadagoodplace,andwastreatedwellhere,Ishouldbegacceptanceofatrifle,insteadoftakingofit.ButIliveonbrokenwittles-andIsleeponthecoals'-herethewaiterburstintotears.Iwasverymuchconcernedforhismisfortunes,andfeltthatanyrecognitionshortofninepencewouldbemerebrutalityandhardnessofheart.ThereforeIgavehimoneofmythreebrightshillings,whichhereceivedwithmuchhumilityandveneration,andspunupwithhisthumb,directlyafterwards,totrythegoodnessof.Itwasalittledisconcertingtome,tofind,whenIwasbeinghelpedupbehindthecoach,thatIwassupposedtohaveeatenallthedinnerwithoutanyassistance.Idiscoveredthis,from
overhearingtheladyinthebow-windowsaytotheguard,'Takecareofthatchild,George,orhe'llburst!'andfromobservingthatthewomen-servantswhowereabouttheplacecameouttolookandgiggleatmeasayoungphenomenon.Myunfortunatefriendthewaiter,whohadquiterecoveredhisspirits,didnotappeartobedisturbedbythis,butjoinedinthegeneraladmirationwithoutbeingatallconfused.IfIhadanydoubtofhim,Isupposethishalfawakenedit;butIaminclinedtobelievethatwiththesimpleconfidenceofachild,andthenaturalrelianceofachilduponsuperioryears(qualitiesIamverysorryanychildrenshouldprematurelychangeforworldlywisdom),Ihadnoseriousmistrustofhimonthewhole,eventhen.Ifeltitratherhard,Imustown,tobemade,withoutdeservingit,thesubjectofjokesbetweenthecoachmanandguardastothecoachdrawingheavybehind,onaccountofmysittingthere,andastothegreaterexpediencyofmytravellingbywaggon.Thestoryofmysupposedappetitegettingwindamongtheoutsidepassengers,theyweremerryuponitlikewise;andaskedmewhetherIwasgoingtobepaidfor,atschool,astwobrothersorthree,andwhetherIwascontractedfor,orwentupontheregularterms;withotherpleasantquestions.Buttheworstofitwas,thatIknewIshouldbeashamedtoeatanything,whenanopportunityoffered,andthat,
afteraratherlightdinner,Ishouldremainhungryallnight-forIhadleftmycakesbehind,atthehotel,inmyhurry.Myapprehensionswererealized.WhenwestoppedforsupperIcouldn'tmustercouragetotakeany,thoughIshouldhavelikeditverymuch,butsatbythefireandsaidIdidn'twantanything.Thisdidnotsavemefrommorejokes,either;forahusky-voicedgentlemanwitharoughface,whohadbeeneatingoutofasandwich-boxnearlyalltheway,exceptwhenhehadbeendrinkingoutofabottle,saidIwaslikeaboa-constrictorwhotookenoughatonemealtolasthimalongtime;afterwhich,heactuallybroughtarashoutuponhimselfwithboiledbeef.WehadstartedfromYarmouthatthreeo'clockintheafternoon,andweweredueinLondonabouteightnextmorning.ItwasMid-summerweather,andtheeveningwasverypleasant.Whenwepassedthroughavillage,Ipicturedtomyselfwhattheinsidesofthehouseswerelike,andwhattheinhabitantswereabout;andwhenboyscamerunningafterus,andgotupbehindandswungthereforalittleway,Iwonderedwhethertheirfatherswerealive,andwhethertheyWerehappyathome.Ihadplentytothinkof,therefore,besidesmymindrunningcontinuallyonthekindofplaceIwasgoingto-whichwasanawfulspeculation.Sometimes,Iremember,IresignedmyselftothoughtsofhomeandPeggotty;andtoendeavouring,ina
confusedblindway,torecallhowIhadfelt,andwhatsortofboyIusedtobe,beforeIbitMr.Murdstone:whichIcouldn'tsatisfymyselfaboutbyanymeans,Iseemedtohavebittenhiminsucharemoteantiquity.Thenightwasnotsopleasantastheevening,foritgotchilly;andbeingputbetweentwogentlemen(therough-facedoneandanother)topreventmytumblingoffthecoach,Iwasnearlysmotheredbytheirfallingasleep,andcompletelyblockingmeup.Theysqueezedmesohardsometimes,thatIcouldnothelpcryingout,'Oh!Ifyouplease!'-whichtheydidn'tlikeatall,becauseitwokethem.Oppositemewasanelderlyladyinagreatfurcloak,wholookedinthedarkmorelikeahaystackthanalady,shewaswrappeduptosuchadegree.Thisladyhadabasketwithher,andshehadn'tknownwhattodowithit,foralongtime,untilshefoundthatonaccountofmylegsbeingshort,itcouldgounderneathme.Itcrampedandhurtmeso,thatitmademeperfectlymiserable;butifImovedintheleast,andmadeaglassthatwasinthebasketrattleagainstsomethingelse(asitwassuretodo),shegavemethecruellestpokewithherfoot,andsaid,'Come,don'tYOUfidget.YOURbonesareyoungenough,I'msure!'
Atlastthesunrose,andthenmycompanionsseemedtosleepeasier.Thedifficultiesunderwhichtheyhadlabouredallnight,andwhichhadfoundutteranceinthemostterrificgaspsandsnorts,arenottobeconceived.Asthesungothigher,theirsleepbecamelighter,andsotheygraduallyonebyoneawoke.Irecollectbeingverymuchsurprisedbythefeinteverybodymade,then,ofnothavingbeentosleepatall,andbytheuncommonindignationwithwhicheveryonerepelledthecharge.Ilabourunderthesamekindofastonishmenttothisday,havinginvariablyobservedthatofallhumanweaknesses,theonetowhichourcommonnatureistheleastdisposedtoconfess(Icannotimaginewhy)istheweaknessofhavinggonetosleepinacoach.WhatanamazingplaceLondonwastomewhenIsawitinthedistance,andhowIbelievedalltheadventuresofallmyfavouriteheroestobeconstantlyenactingandre-enactingthere,andhowIvaguelymadeitoutinmyownmindtobefullerofwondersandwickednessthanallthecitiesoftheearth,Ineednotstopheretorelate.Weapproacheditbydegrees,andgot,induetime,totheinnintheWhitechapeldistrict,forwhichwewerebound.IforgetwhetheritwastheBlueBull,ortheBlueBoar;butIknowitwastheBlueSomething,andthatitslikenesswaspainteduponthebackofthecoach.
Theguard'seyelightedonmeashewasgettingdown,andhesaidatthebooking-officedoor:'IsthereanybodyhereforayoongsterbookedinthenameofMurdstone,fromBloonderstone,Sooffolk,tobelefttillcalledfor?'Nobodyanswered.'TryCopperfield,ifyouplease,sir,'saidI,lookinghelplesslydown.'Isthereanybodyhereforayoongster,bookedinthenameofMurdstone,fromBloonderstone,Sooffolk,butowningtothenameofCopperfield,tobelefttillcalledfor?'saidtheguard.'Come!ISthereanybody?'No.Therewasnobody.Ilookedanxiouslyaround;buttheinquirymadenoimpressiononanyofthebystanders,ifIexceptamaningaiters,withoneeye,whosuggestedthattheyhadbetterputabrasscollarroundmyneck,andtiemeupinthestable.
Aladderwasbrought,andIgotdownafterthelady,whowaslikeahaystack:notdaringtostir,untilherbasketwasremoved.Thecoachwasclearofpassengersbythattime,theluggagewasverysoonclearedout,thehorseshadbeentakenoutbeforetheluggage,andnowthecoachitselfwaswheeledandbackedoffbysomehostlers,outoftheway.Still,nobodyappeared,toclaimthedustyyoungsterfromBlunderstone,Suffolk.MoresolitarythanRobinsonCrusoe,whohadnobodytolookathimandseethathewassolitary,Iwentintothebooking-office,and,byinvitationoftheclerkonduty,passedbehindthecounter,andsatdownonthescaleatwhichtheyweighedtheluggage.Here,asIsatlookingattheparcels,packages,andbooks,andinhalingthesmellofstables(eversinceassociatedwiththatmorning),aprocessionofmosttremendousconsiderationsbegantomarchthroughmymind.Supposingnobodyshouldeverfetchme,howlongwouldtheyconsenttokeepmethere?Wouldtheykeepmelongenoughtospendsevenshillings?ShouldIsleepatnightinoneofthosewoodenbins,withtheotherluggage,andwashmyselfatthepumpintheyardinthemorning;orshouldIbeturnedouteverynight,andexpectedtocomeagaintobelefttillcalledfor,whentheofficeopenednextday?Supposingtherewasnomistakeinthecase,andMr.Murdstonehaddevisedthisplantogetridofme,whatshould
Ido?Iftheyallowedmetoremainthereuntilmysevenshillingswerespent,Icouldn'thopetoremaintherewhenIbegantostarve.Thatwouldobviouslybeinconvenientandunpleasanttothecustomers,besidesentailingontheBlueWhatever-it-was,theriskoffuneralexpenses.IfIstartedoffatonce,andtriedtowalkbackhome,howcouldIeverfindmyway,howcouldIeverhopetowalksofar,howcouldImakesureofanyonebutPeggotty,evenifIgotback?IfIfoundoutthenearestproperauthorities,andofferedmyselftogoforasoldier,orasailor,Iwassuchalittlefellowthatitwasmostlikelytheywouldn'ttakemein.Thesethoughts,andahundredothersuchthoughts,turnedmeburninghot,andmademegiddywithapprehensionanddismay.Iwasintheheightofmyfeverwhenamanenteredandwhisperedtotheclerk,whopresentlyslantedmeoffthescale,andpushedmeovertohim,asifIwereweighed,bought,delivered,andpaidfor.AsIwentoutoftheoffice,handinhandwiththisnewacquaintance,Istolealookathim.Hewasagaunt,sallowyoungman,withhollowcheeks,andachinalmostasblackasMr.Murdstone's;buttherethelikenessended,forhiswhiskerswereshavedoff,andhishair,insteadofbeingglossy,wasrustyanddry.Hewasdressedinasuitofblackclotheswhichwereratherrustyanddrytoo,andrathershortinthesleevesandlegs;andhe
hadawhiteneck-kerchiefon,thatwasnotover-clean.Ididnot,anddonot,supposethatthisneck-kerchiefwasallthelinenhewore,butitwasallheshowedorgaveanyhintof.'You'rethenewboy?'hesaid.'Yes,sir,'Isaid.IsupposedIwas.Ididn'tknow.'I'moneofthemastersatSalemHouse,'hesaid.Imadehimabowandfeltverymuchoverawed.Iwassoashamedtoalludetoacommonplacethinglikemybox,toascholarandamasteratSalemHouse,thatwehadgonesomelittledistancefromtheyardbeforeIhadthehardihoodtomentionit.Weturnedback,onmyhumblyinsinuatingthatitmightbeusefultomehereafter;andhetoldtheclerkthatthecarrierhadinstructionstocallforitatnoon.'Ifyouplease,sir,'Isaid,whenwehadaccomplishedaboutthesamedistanceasbefore,'isitfar?''It'sdownbyBlackheath,'hesaid.
'Isthatfar,sir?'Idiffidentlyasked.'It'sagoodstep,'hesaid.'Weshallgobythestage-coach.It'saboutsixmiles.'Iwassofaintandtired,thattheideaofholdingoutforsixmilesmore,wastoomuchforme.ItookhearttotellhimthatIhadhadnothingallnight,andthatifhewouldallowmetobuysomethingtoeat,Ishouldbeverymuchobligedtohim.Heappearedsurprisedatthis-Iseehimstopandlookatmenow-andafterconsideringforafewmoments,saidhewantedtocallonanoldpersonwholivednotfaroff,andthatthebestwaywouldbeformetobuysomebread,orwhateverIlikedbestthatwaswholesome,andmakemybreakfastatherhouse,wherewecouldgetsomemilk.Accordinglywelookedinatabaker'swindow,andafterIhadmadeaseriesofproposalstobuyeverythingthatwasbiliousintheshop,andhehadrejectedthemonebyone,wedecidedinfavourofanicelittleloafofbrownbread,whichcostmethreepence.Then,atagrocer'sshop,weboughtaneggandasliceofstreakybacon;whichstillleftwhatIthoughtagooddealofchange,outofthe
secondofthebrightshillings,andmademeconsiderLondonaverycheapplace.Theseprovisionslaidin,wewentonthroughagreatnoiseanduproarthatconfusedmywearyheadbeyonddescription,andoverabridgewhich,nodoubt,wasLondonBridge(indeedIthinkhetoldmeso,butIwashalfasleep),untilwecametothepoorperson'shouse,whichwasapartofsomealms-houses,asIknewbytheirlook,andbyaninscriptiononastoneoverthegatewhichsaidtheywereestablishedfortwenty-fivepoorwomen.TheMasteratSalemHouseliftedthelatchofoneofanumberoflittleblackdoorsthatwereallalike,andhadeachalittlediamond-panedwindowononeside,andanotherlittlediamond-panedwindowabove;andwewentintothelittlehouseofoneofthesepooroldwomen,whowasblowingafiretomakealittlesaucepanboil.Onseeingthemasterenter,theoldwomanstoppedwiththebellowsonherknee,andsaidsomethingthatIthoughtsoundedlike'MyCharley!'butonseeingmecomeintoo,shegotup,andrubbingherhandsmadeaconfusedsortofhalfcurtsey.'Canyoucookthisyounggentleman'sbreakfastforhim,ifyouplease?'saidtheMasteratSalemHouse.'CanI?'saidtheoldwoman.'YescanI,sure!'
'How'sMrs.Fibbitsontoday?'saidtheMaster,lookingatanotheroldwomaninalargechairbythefire,whowassuchabundleofclothesthatIfeelgratefultothishourfornothavingsatuponherbymistake.'Ah,she'spoorly,'saidthefirstoldwoman.'It'soneofherbaddays.Ifthefirewastogoout,throughanyaccident,Iverilybelieveshe'dgoouttoo,andnevercometolifeagain.'Astheylookedather,Ilookedatheralso.Althoughitwasawarmday,sheseemedtothinkofnothingbutthefire.Ifanciedshewasjealousevenofthesaucepanonit;andIhavereasontoknowthatshetookitsimpressmentintotheserviceofboilingmyeggandbroilingmybacon,indudgeon;forIsawher,withmyowndiscomfitedeyes,shakeherfistatmeonce,whenthoseculinaryoperationsweregoingon,andnooneelsewaslooking.Thesunstreamedinatthelittlewindow,butshesatwithherownbackandthebackofthelargechairtowardsit,screeningthefireasifsheweresedulouslykeepingITwarm,insteadofitkeepingherwarm,andwatchingitinamostdistrustfulmanner.Thecompletionofthepreparationsformybreakfast,byrelievingthefire,gavehersuchextremejoythatshelaughedaloud-andavery
unmelodiouslaughshehad,Imustsay.Isatdowntomybrownloaf,myegg,andmyrasherofbacon,withabasinofmilkbesides,andmadeamostdeliciousmeal.WhileIwasyetinthefullenjoymentofit,theoldwomanofthehousesaidtotheMaster:'Haveyougotyourflutewithyou?''Yes,'hereturned.'Haveablowatit,'saidtheoldwoman,coaxingly.'Do!'TheMaster,uponthis,puthishandunderneaththeskirtsofhiscoat,andbroughtouthisfluteinthreepieces,whichhescrewedtogether,andbeganimmediatelytoplay.Myimpressionis,aftermanyyearsofconsideration,thattherenevercanhavebeenanybodyintheworldwhoplayedworse.HemadethemostdismalsoundsIhaveeverheardproducedbyanymeans,naturalorartificial.Idon'tknowwhatthetuneswere-ifthereweresuchthingsintheperformanceatall,whichIdoubt-buttheinfluenceofthestrainuponmewas,first,tomakemethinkofallmysorrowsuntilIcouldhardlykeepmytearsback;thentotakeawaymyappetite;and
lastly,tomakemesosleepythatIcouldn'tkeepmyeyesopen.Theybegintocloseagain,andIbegintonod,astherecollectionrisesfreshuponme.Oncemorethelittleroom,withitsopencornercupboard,anditssquare-backedchairs,anditsangularlittlestaircaseleadingtotheroomabove,anditsthreepeacock'sfeathersdisplayedoverthemantelpiece-IrememberwonderingwhenIfirstwentin,whatthatpeacockwouldhavethoughtifhehadknownwhathisfinerywasdoomedtocometo-fadesfrombeforeme,andInod,andsleep.Theflutebecomesinaudible,thewheelsofthecoachareheardinstead,andIamonmyjourney.Thecoachjolts,Iwakewithastart,andtheflutehascomebackagain,andtheMasteratSalemHouseissittingwithhislegscrossed,playingitdolefully,whiletheoldwomanofthehouselooksondelighted.Shefadesinherturn,andhefades,andallfades,andthereisnoflute,noMaster,noSalemHouse,noDavidCopperfield,noanythingbutheavysleep.Idreamed,Ithought,thatoncewhilehewasblowingintothisdismalflute,theoldwomanofthehouse,whohadgonenearerandnearertohiminherecstaticadmiration,leanedoverthebackofhischairandgavehimanaffectionatesqueezeroundtheneck,whichstoppedhisplayingforamoment.Iwasinthemiddlestatebetweensleepingandwaking,eitherthenorimmediatelyafterwards;
for,asheresumed-itwasarealfactthathehadstoppedplaying-IsawandheardthesameoldwomanaskMrs.Fibbitsonifitwasn'tdelicious(meaningtheflute),towhichMrs.Fibbitsonreplied,'Ay,ay!yes!'andnoddedatthefire:towhich,Iampersuaded,shegavethecreditofthewholeperformance.WhenIseemedtohavebeendozingalongwhile,theMasteratSalemHouseunscrewedhisfluteintothethreepieces,putthemupasbefore,andtookmeaway.Wefoundthecoachverynearathand,andgotupontheroof;butIwassodeadsleepy,thatwhenwestoppedontheroadtotakeupsomebodyelse,theyputmeinsidewheretherewerenopassengers,andwhereIsleptprofoundly,untilIfoundthecoachgoingatafootpaceupasteephillamonggreenleaves.Presently,itstopped,andhadcometoitsdestination.Ashortwalkbroughtus-ImeantheMasterandme-toSalemHouse,whichwasenclosedwithahighbrickwall,andlookedverydull.OveradoorinthiswallwasaboardwithSALEMHousEuponit;andthroughagratinginthisdoorweweresurveyedwhenwerangthebellbyasurlyface,whichIfound,onthedoorbeingopened,belongedtoastoutmanwithabull-neck,awoodenleg,overhangingtemples,andhishaircutcloseallroundhishead.
'Thenewboy,'saidtheMaster.Themanwiththewoodenlegeyedmeallover-itdidn'ttakelong,fortherewasnotmuchofme-andlockedthegatebehindus,andtookoutthekey.Weweregoinguptothehouse,amongsomedarkheavytrees,whenhecalledaftermyconductor.'Hallo!'Welookedback,andhewasstandingatthedoorofalittlelodge,wherehelived,withapairofbootsinhishand.'Here!Thecobbler'sbeen,'hesaid,'sinceyou'vebeenout,Mr.Mell,andhesayshecan'tmend'emanymore.Hesaysthereain'tabitoftheoriginalbootleft,andhewondersyouexpectit.'WiththesewordshethrewthebootstowardsMr.Mell,whowentbackafewpacestopickthemup,andlookedatthem(verydisconsolately,Iwasafraid),aswewentontogether.Iobservedthen,forthefirsttime,thatthebootshehadonwereagooddealtheworseforwear,andthathisstockingwasjustbreakingoutinoneplace,likeabud.SalemHousewasasquarebrickbuildingwithwings;ofabareand
unfurnishedappearance.Allaboutitwassoveryquiet,thatIsaidtoMr.MellIsupposedtheboyswereout;butheseemedsurprisedatmynotknowingthatitwasholiday-time.Thatalltheboyswereattheirseveralhomes.ThatMr.Creakle,theproprietor,wasdownbythesea-sidewithMrs.andMissCreakle;andthatIwassentinholiday-timeasapunishmentformymisdoing,allofwhichheexplainedtomeaswewentalong.Igazedupontheschoolroomintowhichhetookme,asthemostforlornanddesolateplaceIhadeverseen.Iseeitnow.Alongroomwiththreelongrowsofdesks,andsixofforms,andbristlingallroundwithpegsforhatsandslates.Scrapsofoldcopy-booksandexerciseslitterthedirtyfloor.Somesilkworms'houses,madeofthesamematerials,arescatteredoverthedesks.Twomiserablelittlewhitemice,leftbehindbytheirowner,arerunningupanddowninafustycastlemadeofpasteboardandwire,lookinginallthecornerswiththeirredeyesforanythingtoeat.Abird,inacageverylittlebiggerthanhimself,makesamournfulrattlenowandtheninhoppingonhisperch,twoincheshigh,ordroppingfromit;butneithersingsnorchirps.Thereisastrangeunwholesomesmellupontheroom,likemildewedcorduroys,sweetappleswantingair,androttenbooks.Therecouldnotwellbemoreinksplashedaboutit,ifithadbeenrooflessfromitsfirstconstruction,and
theskieshadrained,snowed,hailed,andblowninkthroughthevaryingseasonsoftheyear.Mr.Mellhavingleftmewhilehetookhisirreparablebootsupstairs,Iwentsoftlytotheupperendoftheroom,observingallthisasIcreptalong.SuddenlyIcameuponapasteboardplacard,beautifullywritten,whichwaslyingonthedesk,andborethesewords:'TAKECAREOFHIM.HEBITES.'Igotuponthedeskimmediately,apprehensiveofatleastagreatdogunderneath.But,thoughIlookedallroundwithanxiouseyes,Icouldseenothingofhim.Iwasstillengagedinpeeringabout,whenMr.Mellcameback,andaskedmewhatIdidupthere?'Ibegyourpardon,sir,'saysI,'ifyouplease,I'mlookingforthedog.''Dog?'hesays.'Whatdog?''Isn'titadog,sir?''Isn'twhatadog?'
'That'stobetakencareof,sir;thatbites.''No,Copperfield,'sayshe,gravely,'that'snotadog.That'saboy.Myinstructionsare,Copperfield,toputthisplacardonyourback.Iamsorrytomakesuchabeginningwithyou,butImustdoit.'Withthathetookmedown,andtiedtheplacard,whichwasneatlyconstructedforthepurpose,onmyshoulderslikeaknapsack;andwhereverIwent,afterwards,Ihadtheconsolationofcarryingit.WhatIsufferedfromthatplacard,nobodycanimagine.Whetheritwaspossibleforpeopletoseemeornot,Ialwaysfanciedthatsomebodywasreadingit.Itwasnorelieftoturnroundandfindnobody;forwherevermybackwas,thereIimaginedsomebodyalwaystobe.Thatcruelmanwiththewoodenlegaggravatedmysufferings.Hewasinauthority;andifheeversawmeleaningagainstatree,orawall,orthehouse,heroaredoutfromhislodgedoorinastupendousvoice,'Hallo,yousir!YouCopperfield!Showthatbadgeconspicuous,orI'llreportyou!'Theplaygroundwasabaregravelledyard,opentoallthebackofthehouseandtheoffices;andIknewthattheservantsreadit,andthebutcherreadit,andthebakerreadit;thateverybody,inaword,whocamebackwardsandforwardstothehouse,ofamorning
whenIwasorderedtowalkthere,readthatIwastobetakencareof,forIbit,IrecollectthatIpositivelybegantohaveadreadofmyself,asakindofwildboywhodidbite.Therewasanolddoorinthisplayground,onwhichtheboyshadacustomofcarvingtheirnames.Itwascompletelycoveredwithsuchinscriptions.Inmydreadoftheendofthevacationandtheircomingback,Icouldnotreadaboy'sname,withoutinquiringinwhattoneandwithwhatemphasisHEwouldread,'Takecareofhim.Hebites.'Therewasoneboy-acertainJ.Steerforth-whocuthisnameverydeepandveryoften,who,Iconceived,wouldreaditinaratherstrongvoice,andafterwardspullmyhair.Therewasanotherboy,oneTommyTraddles,whoIdreadedwouldmakegameofit,andpretendtobedreadfullyfrightenedofme.Therewasathird,GeorgeDemple,whoIfanciedwouldsingit.Ihavelooked,alittleshrinkingcreature,atthatdoor,untiltheownersofallthenames-therewerefive-and-fortyofthemintheschoolthen,Mr.Mellsaid-seemedtosendmetoCoventrybygeneralacclamation,andtocryout,eachinhisownway,'Takecareofhim.Hebites!'Itwasthesamewiththeplacesatthedesksandforms.ItwasthesamewiththegrovesofdesertedbedsteadsIpeepedat,onmyway
to,andwhenIwasin,myownbed.Irememberdreamingnightafternight,ofbeingwithmymotherassheusedtobe,orofgoingtoapartyatMr.Peggotty's,oroftravellingoutsidethestage-coach,orofdiningagainwithmyunfortunatefriendthewaiter,andinallthesecircumstancesmakingpeoplescreamandstare,bytheunhappydisclosurethatIhadnothingonbutmylittlenight-shirt,andthatplacard.Inthemonotonyofmylife,andinmyconstantapprehensionofthere-openingoftheschool,itwassuchaninsupportableaffliction!IhadlongtaskseverydaytodowithMr.Mell;butIdidthem,therebeingnoMr.andMissMurdstonehere,andgotthroughthemwithoutdisgrace.Before,andafterthem,Iwalkedabout-supervised,asIhavementioned,bythemanwiththewoodenleg.HowvividlyIcalltomindthedampaboutthehouse,thegreencrackedflagstonesinthecourt,anoldleakywater-butt,andthediscolouredtrunksofsomeofthegrimtrees,whichseemedtohavedrippedmoreintherainthanothertrees,andtohaveblownlessinthesun!Atonewedined,Mr.MellandI,attheupperendofalongbaredining-room,fullofdealtables,andsmellingoffat.Then,wehadmoretasksuntiltea,whichMr.Melldrankoutofablueteacup,andIoutofatinpot.Alldaylong,anduntilsevenoreightintheevening,Mr.Mell,athisowndetacheddeskinthe
schoolroom,workedhardwithpen,ink,ruler,books,andwriting-paper,makingoutthebills(asIfound)forlasthalf-year.Whenhehadputuphisthingsforthenighthetookouthisflute,andblewatit,untilIalmostthoughthewouldgraduallyblowhiswholebeingintothelargeholeatthetop,andoozeawayatthekeys.Ipicturemysmallselfinthedimly-lightedrooms,sittingwithmyheaduponmyhand,listeningtothedolefulperformanceofMr.Mell,andconningtomorrow'slessons.Ipicturemyselfwithmybooksshutup,stilllisteningtothedolefulperformanceofMr.Mell,andlisteningthroughittowhatusedtobeathome,andtotheblowingofthewindonYarmouthflats,andfeelingverysadandsolitary.Ipicturemyselfgoinguptobed,amongtheunusedrooms,andsittingonmybed-sidecryingforacomfortablewordfromPeggotty.Ipicturemyselfcomingdownstairsinthemorning,andlookingthroughalongghastlygashofastaircasewindowattheschool-bellhangingonthetopofanout-housewithaweathercockaboveit;anddreadingthetimewhenitshallringJ.Steerforthandtheresttowork:whichisonlysecond,inmyforebodingapprehensions,tothetimewhenthemanwiththewoodenlegshallunlocktherustygatetogiveadmissiontotheawfulMr.Creakle.IcannotthinkIwasaverydangerouscharacterinanyof
theseaspects,butinallofthemIcarriedthesamewarningonmyback.Mr.Mellneversaidmuchtome,buthewasneverharshtome.Isupposewewerecompanytoeachother,withouttalking.Iforgottomentionthathewouldtalktohimselfsometimes,andgrin,andclenchhisfist,andgrindhisteeth,andpullhishairinanunaccountablemanner.Buthehadthesepeculiarities:andatfirsttheyfrightenedme,thoughIsoongotusedtothem.CHAPTER6IENLARGEMYCIRCLEOFACQUAINTANCEIHADledthislifeaboutamonth,whenthemanwiththewoodenlegbegantostumpaboutwithamopandabucketofwater,fromwhichIinferredthatpreparationsweremakingtoreceiveMr.Creakleandtheboys.Iwasnotmistaken;forthemopcameintotheschoolroombeforelong,andturnedoutMr.Mellandme,wholivedwherewecould,andgotonhowwecould,forsomedays,duringwhichwewerealwaysinthewayoftwoorthreeyoungwomen,whohadrarelyshownthemselvesbefore,andweresocontinuallyinthemidstofdustthatIsneezedalmostasmuchasifSalemHousehadbeenagreat
snuff-box.OnedayIwasinformedbyMr.MellthatMr.Creaklewouldbehomethatevening.Intheevening,aftertea,Iheardthathewascome.Beforebedtime,Iwasfetchedbythemanwiththewoodenlegtoappearbeforehim.Mr.Creakle'spartofthehousewasagooddealmorecomfortablethanours,andhehadasnugbitofgardenthatlookedpleasantafterthedustyplayground,whichwassuchadesertinminiature,thatIthoughtnoonebutacamel,oradromedary,couldhavefeltathomeinit.Itseemedtomeaboldthingeventotakenoticethatthepassagelookedcomfortable,asIwentonmyway,trembling,toMr.Creakle'spresence:whichsoabashedme,whenIwasusheredintoit,thatIhardlysawMrs.CreakleorMissCreakle(whowereboththere,intheparlour),oranythingbutMr.Creakle,astoutgentlemanwithabunchofwatch-chainandseals,inanarm-chair,withatumblerandbottlebesidehim.'So!'saidMr.Creakle.'Thisistheyounggentlemanwhoseteetharetobefiled!Turnhimround.'Thewooden-leggedmanturnedmeaboutsoastoexhibittheplacard;
andhavingaffordedtimeforafullsurveyofit,turnedmeaboutagain,withmyfacetoMr.Creakle,andpostedhimselfatMr.Creakle'sside.Mr.Creakle'sfacewasfiery,andhiseyesweresmall,anddeepinhishead;hehadthickveinsinhisforehead,alittlenose,andalargechin.Hewasbaldonthetopofhishead;andhadsomethinwet-lookinghairthatwasjustturninggrey,brushedacrosseachtemple,sothatthetwosidesinterlacedonhisforehead.Butthecircumstanceabouthimwhichimpressedmemost,was,thathehadnovoice,butspokeinawhisper.Theexertionthiscosthim,ortheconsciousnessoftalkinginthatfeebleway,madehisangryfacesomuchmoreangry,andhisthickveinssomuchthicker,whenhespoke,thatIamnotsurprised,onlookingback,atthispeculiaritystrikingmeashischiefone.'Now,'saidMr.Creakle.'What'sthereportofthisboy?''There'snothingagainsthimyet,'returnedthemanwiththewoodenleg.'Therehasbeennoopportunity.'IthoughtMr.Creaklewasdisappointed.IthoughtMrs.andMissCreakle(atwhomInowglancedforthefirsttime,andwhowere,both,thinandquiet)werenotdisappointed.'Comehere,sir!'saidMr.Creakle,beckoningtome.
'Comehere!'saidthemanwiththewoodenleg,repeatingthegesture.'Ihavethehappinessofknowingyourfather-in-law,'whisperedMr.Creakle,takingmebytheear;'andaworthymanheis,andamanofastrongcharacter.Heknowsme,andIknowhim.DoYOUknowme?Hey?'saidMr.Creakle,pinchingmyearwithferociousplayfulness.'Notyet,sir,'Isaid,flinchingwiththepain.'Notyet?Hey?'repeatedMr.Creakle.'Butyouwillsoon.Hey?''Youwillsoon.Hey?'repeatedthemanwiththewoodenleg.Iafterwardsfoundthathegenerallyacted,withhisstrongvoice,asMr.Creakle'sinterpretertotheboys.Iwasverymuchfrightened,andsaid,Ihopedso,ifhepleased.Ifelt,allthiswhile,asifmyearwereblazing;hepincheditsohard.'I'lltellyouwhatIam,'whisperedMr.Creakle,lettingitgoat
last,withascrewatpartingthatbroughtthewaterintomyeyes.'I'maTartar.''ATartar,'saidthemanwiththewoodenleg.'WhenIsayI'lldoathing,Idoit,'saidMr.Creakle;'andwhenIsayIwillhaveathingdone,Iwillhaveitdone.''-Willhaveathingdone,Iwillhaveitdone,'repeatedthemanwiththewoodenleg.'Iamadeterminedcharacter,'saidMr.Creakle.'That'swhatIam.Idomyduty.That'swhatIdo.Myfleshandblood'-helookedatMrs.Creakleashesaidthis-'whenitrisesagainstme,isnotmyfleshandblood.Idiscardit.Hasthatfellow'-tothemanwiththewoodenleg-'beenhereagain?''No,'wastheanswer.'No,'saidMr.Creakle.'Heknowsbetter.Heknowsme.Lethimkeepaway.Isaylethimkeepaway,'saidMr.Creakle,strikinghishanduponthetable,andlookingatMrs.Creakle,'forheknowsme.Nowyouhavebeguntoknowmetoo,myyoungfriend,andyou
maygo.Takehimaway.'Iwasverygladtobeorderedaway,forMrs.andMissCreaklewerebothwipingtheireyes,andIfeltasuncomfortableforthemasIdidformyself.ButIhadapetitiononmymindwhichconcernedmesonearly,thatIcouldn'thelpsaying,thoughIwonderedatmyowncourage:'Ifyouplease,sir-'Mr.Creaklewhispered,'Hah!What'sthis?'andbenthiseyesuponme,asifhewouldhaveburntmeupwiththem.'Ifyouplease,sir,'Ifaltered,'ifImightbeallowed(Iamverysorryindeed,sir,forwhatIdid)totakethiswritingoff,beforetheboyscomeback-'WhetherMr.Creaklewasinearnest,orwhetherheonlydidittofrightenme,Idon'tknow,buthemadeaburstoutofhischair,beforewhichIprecipitatelyretreated,withoutwaitingfortheescortOfthemanwiththewoodenleg,andneveroncestoppeduntilIreachedmyownbedroom,where,findingIwasnotpursued,Iwenttobed,asitwastime,andlayquaking,foracoupleofhours.
NextmorningMr.Sharpcameback.Mr.Sharpwasthefirstmaster,andsuperiortoMr.Mell.Mr.Melltookhismealswiththeboys,butMr.SharpdinedandsuppedatMr.Creakle'stable.Hewasalimp,delicate-lookinggentleman,Ithought,withagooddealofnose,andawayofcarryinghisheadononeside,asifitwerealittletooheavyforhim.Hishairwasverysmoothandwavy;butIwasinformedbytheveryfirstboywhocamebackthatitwasawig(asecond-handoneHEsaid),andthatMr.SharpwentouteverySaturdayafternoontogetitcurled.ItwasnootherthanTommyTraddleswhogavemethispieceofintelligence.Hewasthefirstboywhoreturned.HeintroducedhimselfbyinformingmethatIshouldfindhisnameontheright-handcornerofthegate,overthetop-bolt;uponthatIsaid,'Traddles?'towhichhereplied,'Thesame,'andthenheaskedmeforafullaccountofmyselfandfamily.ItwasahappycircumstanceformethatTraddlescamebackfirst.Heenjoyedmyplacardsomuch,thathesavedmefromtheembarrassmentofeitherdisclosureorconcealment,bypresentingmetoeveryotherboywhocameback,greatorsmall,immediatelyonhisarrival,inthisformofintroduction,'Lookhere!Here'sa
game!'Happily,too,thegreaterpartoftheboyscamebacklow-spirited,andwerenotsoboisterousatmyexpenseasIhadexpected.SomeofthemcertainlydiddanceaboutmelikewildIndians,andthegreaterpartcouldnotresistthetemptationofpretendingthatIwasadog,andpattingandsoothingme,lestIshouldbite,andsaying,'Liedown,sir!'andcallingmeTowzer.Thiswasnaturallyconfusing,amongsomanystrangers,andcostmesometears,butonthewholeitwasmuchbetterthanIhadanticipated.Iwasnotconsideredasbeingformallyreceivedintotheschool,however,untilJ.Steerfortharrived.Beforethisboy,whowasreputedtobeagreatscholar,andwasverygood-looking,andatleasthalf-a-dozenyearsmysenior,Iwascarriedasbeforeamagistrate.Heinquired,underashedintheplayground,intotheparticularsofmypunishment,andwaspleasedtoexpresshisopinionthatitwas'ajollyshame';forwhichIbecameboundtohimeverafterwards.'Whatmoneyhaveyougot,Copperfield?'hesaid,walkingasidewithmewhenhehaddisposedofmyaffairintheseterms.Itoldhimsevenshillings.
'Youhadbettergiveittometotakecareof,'hesaid.'Atleast,youcanifyoulike.Youneedn'tifyoudon'tlike.'Ihastenedtocomplywithhisfriendlysuggestion,andopeningPeggotty'spurse,turneditupsidedownintohishand.'Doyouwanttospendanythingnow?'heaskedme.'Nothankyou,'Ireplied.'Youcan,ifyoulike,youknow,'saidSteerforth.'Saytheword.''No,thankyou,sir,'Irepeated.'Perhapsyou'dliketospendacoupleofshillingsorso,inabottleofcurrantwinebyandby,upinthebedroom?'saidSteerforth.'Youbelongtomybedroom,Ifind.'Itcertainlyhadnotoccurredtomebefore,butIsaid,Yes,Ishouldlikethat.'Verygood,'saidSteerforth.'You'llbegladtospendanothershillingorso,inalmondcakes,Idaresay?'
Isaid,Yes,Ishouldlikethat,too.'Andanothershillingorsoinbiscuits,andanotherinfruit,eh?'saidSteerforth.'Isay,youngCopperfield,you'regoingit!'Ismiledbecausehesmiled,butIwasalittletroubledinmymind,too.'Well!'saidSteerforth.'Wemustmakeitstretchasfaraswecan;that'sall.I'lldothebestinmypowerforyou.IcangooutwhenIlike,andI'llsmuggletheprogin.'Withthesewordsheputthemoneyinhispocket,andkindlytoldmenottomakemyselfuneasy;hewouldtakecareitshouldbeallright.Hewasasgoodashisword,ifthatwereallrightwhichIhadasecretmisgivingwasnearlyallwrong-forIfeareditwasawasteofmymother'stwohalf-crowns-thoughIhadpreservedthepieceofpapertheywerewrappedin:whichwasaprecioussaving.Whenwewentupstairstobed,heproducedthewholesevenshillings'worth,andlaiditoutonmybedinthemoonlight,saying:'Thereyouare,youngCopperfield,andaroyalspreadyou'vegot.'
Icouldn'tthinkofdoingthehonoursofthefeast,atmytimeoflife,whilehewasby;myhandshookattheverythoughtofit.Ibeggedhimtodomethefavourofpresiding;andmyrequestbeingsecondedbytheotherboyswhowereinthatroom,heaccededtoit,andsatuponmypillow,handingroundtheviands-withperfectfairness,Imustsay-anddispensingthecurrantwineinalittleglasswithoutafoot,whichwashisownproperty.Astome,Isatonhislefthand,andtherestweregroupedaboutus,onthenearestbedsandonthefloor.HowwellIrecollectoursittingthere,talkinginwhispers;ortheirtalking,andmyrespectfullylistening,Ioughtrathertosay;themoonlightfallingalittlewayintotheroom,throughthewindow,paintingapalewindowonthefloor,andthegreaterpartofusinshadow,exceptwhenSteerforthdippedamatchintoaphosphorus-box,whenhewantedtolookforanythingontheboard,andshedablueglareoverusthatwasgonedirectly!Acertainmysteriousfeeling,consequentonthedarkness,thesecrecyoftherevel,andthewhisperinwhicheverythingwassaid,stealsovermeagain,andIlistentoalltheytellmewithavaguefeelingofsolemnityandawe,whichmakesmegladthattheyareallsonear,andfrightensme(thoughIfeigntolaugh)whenTraddlespretends
toseeaghostinthecorner.Iheardallkindsofthingsabouttheschoolandallbelongingtoit.IheardthatMr.CreaklehadnotpreferredhisclaimtobeingaTartarwithoutreason;thathewasthesternestandmostsevereofmasters;thathelaidabouthim,rightandleft,everydayofhislife,charginginamongtheboyslikeatrooper,andslashingaway,unmercifully.Thatheknewnothinghimself,buttheartofslashing,beingmoreignorant(J.Steerforthsaid)thanthelowestboyintheschool;thathehadbeen,agoodmanyyearsago,asmallhop-dealerintheBorough,andhadtakentotheschoolingbusinessafterbeingbankruptinhops,andmakingawaywithMrs.Creakle'smoney.Withagooddealmoreofthatsort,whichIwonderedhowtheyknew.Iheardthatthemanwiththewoodenleg,whosenamewasTungay,wasanobstinatebarbarianwhohadformerlyassistedinthehopbusiness,buthadcomeintothescholasticlinewithMr.Creakle,inconsequence,aswassupposedamongtheboys,ofhishavingbrokenhisleginMr.Creakle'sservice,andhavingdoneadealofdishonestworkforhim,andknowinghissecrets.IheardthatwiththesingleexceptionofMr.Creakle,Tungayconsideredthewholeestablishment,mastersandboys,ashisnaturalenemies,andthat
theonlydelightofhislifewastobesourandmalicious.IheardthatMr.Creaklehadason,whohadnotbeenTungay'sfriend,andwho,assistingintheschool,hadonceheldsomeremonstrancewithhisfatheronanoccasionwhenitsdisciplinewasverycruellyexercised,andwassupposed,besides,tohaveprotestedagainsthisfather'susageofhismother.IheardthatMr.Creaklehadturnedhimoutofdoors,inconsequence;andthatMrs.andMissCreaklehadbeeninasadway,eversince.ButthegreatestwonderthatIheardofMr.Creaklewas,therebeingoneboyintheschoolonwhomheneverventuredtolayahand,andthatboybeingJ.Steerforth.Steerforthhimselfconfirmedthiswhenitwasstated,andsaidthatheshouldliketobegintoseehimdoit.Onbeingaskedbyamildboy(notme)howhewouldproceedifhedidbegintoseehimdoit,hedippedamatchintohisphosphorus-boxonpurposetoshedaglareoverhisreply,andsaidhewouldcommencebyknockinghimdownwithablowontheforeheadfromtheseven-and-sixpennyink-bottlethatwasalwaysonthemantelpiece.Wesatinthedarkforsometime,breathless.IheardthatMr.SharpandMr.Mellwerebothsupposedtobewretchedlypaid;andthatwhentherewashotandcoldmeatfor
dinneratMr.Creakle'stable,Mr.Sharpwasalwaysexpectedtosayhepreferredcold;whichwasagaincorroboratedbyJ.Steerforth,theonlyparlour-boarder.IheardthatMr.Sharp'swigdidn'tfithim;andthatheneedn'tbeso'bounceable'-somebodyelsesaid'bumptious'-aboutit,becausehisownredhairwasveryplainlytobeseenbehind.Iheardthatoneboy,whowasacoal-merchant'sson,cameasaset-offagainstthecoal-bill,andwascalled,onthataccount,'ExchangeorBarter'-anameselectedfromthearithmeticbookasexpressingthisarrangement.Iheardthatthetablebeerwasarobberyofparents,andthepuddinganimposition.IheardthatMissCreaklewasregardedbytheschoolingeneralasbeinginlovewithSteerforth;andIamsure,asIsatinthedark,thinkingofhisnicevoice,andhisfineface,andhiseasymanner,andhiscurlinghair,Ithoughtitverylikely.IheardthatMr.Mellwasnotabadsortoffellow,buthadn'tasixpencetoblesshimselfwith;andthattherewasnodoubtthatoldMrs.Mell,hismother,wasaspoorasjob.Ithoughtofmybreakfastthen,andwhathadsoundedlike'MyCharley!'butIwas,Iamgladtoremember,asmuteasamouseaboutit.Thehearingofallthis,andagooddealmore,outlastedthe
banquetsometime.Thegreaterpartoftheguestshadgonetobedassoonastheeatinganddrinkingwereover;andwe,whohadremainedwhisperingandlisteninghalf-undressed,atlastbetookourselvestobed,too.'Goodnight,youngCopperfield,'saidSteerforth.'I'lltakecareofyou.''You'reverykind,'Igratefullyreturned.'Iamverymuchobligedtoyou.''Youhaven'tgotasister,haveyou?'saidSteerforth,yawning.'No,'Ianswered.'That'sapity,'saidSteerforth.'Ifyouhadhadone,Ishouldthinkshewouldhavebeenapretty,timid,little,bright-eyedsortofgirl.Ishouldhavelikedtoknowher.Goodnight,youngCopperfield.''Goodnight,sir,'Ireplied.IthoughtofhimverymuchafterIwenttobed,andraisedmyself,Irecollect,tolookathimwherehelayinthemoonlight,withhis
handsomefaceturnedup,andhisheadrecliningeasilyonhisarm.Hewasapersonofgreatpowerinmyeyes;thatwas,ofcourse,thereasonofmymindrunningonhim.Noveiledfuturedimlyglanceduponhiminthemoonbeams.Therewasnoshadowypictureofhisfootsteps,inthegardenthatIdreamedofwalkinginallnight.CHAPTER7MY'FIRSTHALF'ATSALEMHOUSESchoolbeganinearnestnextday.Aprofoundimpressionwasmadeuponme,Iremember,bytheroarofvoicesintheschoolroomsuddenlybecominghushedasdeathwhenMr.Creakleenteredafterbreakfast,andstoodinthedoorwaylookingrounduponuslikeagiantinastory-booksurveyinghiscaptives.TungaystoodatMr.Creakle'selbow.Hehadnooccasion,Ithought,tocryout'Silence!'soferociously,fortheboyswereallstruckspeechlessandmotionless.Mr.Creaklewasseentospeak,andTungaywasheard,tothiseffect.
'Now,boys,thisisanewhalf.Takecarewhatyou'reabout,inthisnewhalf.Comefreshuptothelessons,Iadviseyou,forIcomefreshuptothepunishment.Iwon'tflinch.Itwillbeofnouseyourrubbingyourselves;youwon'trubthemarksoutthatIshallgiveyou.Nowgettowork,everyboy!'Whenthisdreadfulexordiumwasover,andTungayhadstumpedoutagain,Mr.CreaklecametowhereIsat,andtoldmethatifIwerefamousforbiting,hewasfamousforbiting,too.Hethenshowedmethecane,andaskedmewhatIthoughtofTHAT,foratooth?Wasitasharptooth,hey?Wasitadoubletooth,hey?Haditadeepprong,hey?Diditbite,hey?Diditbite?Ateveryquestionhegavemeafleshycutwithitthatmademewrithe;soIwasverysoonmadefreeofSalemHouse(asSteerforthsaid),andwasverysoonintearsalso.NotthatImeantosaythesewerespecialmarksofdistinction,whichonlyIreceived.Onthecontrary,alargemajorityoftheboys(especiallythesmallerones)werevisitedwithsimilarinstancesofnotice,asMr.Creaklemadetheroundoftheschoolroom.Halftheestablishmentwaswrithingandcrying,beforetheday'sworkbegan;andhowmuchofithadwrithedandcriedbeforetheday'sworkwasover,Iamreallyafraidtorecollect,
lestIshouldseemtoexaggerate.IshouldthinktherenevercanhavebeenamanwhoenjoyedhisprofessionmorethanMr.Creakledid.Hehadadelightincuttingattheboys,whichwaslikethesatisfactionofacravingappetite.Iamconfidentthathecouldn'tresistachubbyboy,especially;thattherewasafascinationinsuchasubject,whichmadehimrestlessinhismind,untilhehadscoredandmarkedhimfortheday.Iwaschubbymyself,andoughttoknow.IamsurewhenIthinkofthefellownow,mybloodrisesagainsthimwiththedisinterestedindignationIshouldfeelifIcouldhaveknownallabouthimwithouthavingeverbeeninhispower;butitriseshotly,becauseIknowhimtohavebeenanincapablebrute,whohadnomorerighttobepossessedofthegreattrustheheld,thantobeLordHighAdmiral,orCommander-in-Chief-ineitherofwhichcapacitiesitisprobablethathewouldhavedoneinfinitelylessmischief.MiserablelittlepropitiatorsofaremorselessIdol,howabjectweweretohim!WhatalaunchinlifeIthinkitnow,onlookingback,tobesomeanandserviletoamanofsuchpartsandpretensions!
HereIsitatthedeskagain,watchinghiseye-humblywatchinghiseye,asherulesaciphering-bookforanothervictimwhosehandshavejustbeenflattenedbythatidenticalruler,andwhoistryingtowipethestingoutwithapocket-handkerchief.Ihaveplentytodo.Idon'twatchhiseyeinidleness,butbecauseIammorbidlyattractedtoit,inadreaddesiretoknowwhathewilldonext,andwhetheritwillbemyturntosuffer,orsomebodyelse's.Alaneofsmallboysbeyondme,withthesameinterestinhiseye,watchittoo.Ithinkheknowsit,thoughhepretendshedon't.Hemakesdreadfulmouthsasherulestheciphering-book;andnowhethrowshiseyesidewaysdownourlane,andwealldroopoverourbooksandtremble.Amomentafterwardsweareagaineyeinghim.Anunhappyculprit,foundguiltyofimperfectexercise,approachesathiscommand.Theculpritfaltersexcuses,andprofessesadeterminationtodobettertomorrow.Mr.Creaklecutsajokebeforehebeatshim,andwelaughatit,-miserablelittledogs,welaugh,withourvisagesaswhiteasashes,andourheartssinkingintoourboots.HereIsitatthedeskagain,onadrowsysummerafternoon.Abuzzandhumgouparoundme,asiftheboysweresomanybluebottles.Acloggysensationofthelukewarmfatofmeatisuponme(wedinedanhourortwoago),andmyheadisasheavyassomuchlead.I
wouldgivetheworldtogotosleep.IsitwithmyeyeonMr.Creakle,blinkingathimlikeayoungowl;whensleepoverpowersmeforaminute,hestillloomsthroughmyslumber,rulingthoseciphering-books,untilhesoftlycomesbehindmeandwakesmetoplainerperceptionofhim,witharedridgeacrossmyback.HereIamintheplayground,withmyeyestillfascinatedbyhim,thoughIcan'tseehim.ThewindowatalittledistancefromwhichIknowheishavinghisdinner,standsforhim,andIeyethatinstead.Ifheshowshisfacenearit,mineassumesanimploringandsubmissiveexpression.Ifhelooksoutthroughtheglass,theboldestboy(Steerforthexcepted)stopsinthemiddleofashoutoryell,andbecomescontemplative.Oneday,Traddles(themostunfortunateboyintheworld)breaksthatwindowaccidentally,withaball.Ishudderatthismomentwiththetremendoussensationofseeingitdone,andfeelingthattheballhasboundedontoMr.Creakle'ssacredhead.PoorTraddles!Inatightsky-bluesuitthatmadehisarmsandlegslikeGermansausages,orroly-polypuddings,hewasthemerriestandmostmiserableofalltheboys.Hewasalwaysbeingcaned-Ithinkhewascanedeverydaythathalf-year,exceptoneholidayMondaywhenhewasonlyruler'donbothhands-andwas
alwaysgoingtowritetohisuncleaboutit,andneverdid.Afterlayinghisheadonthedeskforalittlewhile,hewouldcheerup,somehow,begintolaughagain,anddrawskeletonsalloverhisslate,beforehiseyesweredry.IusedatfirsttowonderwhatcomfortTraddlesfoundindrawingskeletons;andforsometimelookeduponhimasasortofhermit,whoremindedhimselfbythosesymbolsofmortalitythatcaningcouldn'tlastforever.ButIbelieveheonlydiditbecausetheywereeasy,anddidn'twantanyfeatures.Hewasveryhonourable,Traddleswas,andhelditasasolemndutyintheboystostandbyoneanother.Hesufferedforthisonseveraloccasions;andparticularlyonce,whenSteerforthlaughedinchurch,andtheBeadlethoughtitwasTraddles,andtookhimout.Iseehimnow,goingawayincustody,despisedbythecongregation.Heneversaidwhowastherealoffender,thoughhesmartedforitnextday,andwasimprisonedsomanyhoursthathecameforthwithawholechurchyard-fullofskeletonsswarmingalloverhisLatinDictionary.Buthehadhisreward.SteerforthsaidtherewasnothingofthesneakinTraddles,andweallfeltthattobethehighestpraise.Formypart,Icouldhavegonethroughagooddeal(thoughIwasmuchlessbravethanTraddles,andnothinglikesoold)tohavewonsucharecompense.
ToseeSteerforthwalktochurchbeforeus,arm-in-armwithMissCreakle,wasoneofthegreatsightsofmylife.Ididn'tthinkMissCreakleequaltolittleEm'lyinpointofbeauty,andIdidn'tloveher(Ididn'tdare);butIthoughtherayoungladyofextraordinaryattractions,andinpointofgentilitynottobesurpassed.WhenSteerforth,inwhitetrousers,carriedherparasolforher,Ifeltproudtoknowhim;andbelievedthatshecouldnotchoosebutadorehimwithallherheart.Mr.SharpandMr.Mellwerebothnotablepersonagesinmyeyes;butSteerforthwastothemwhatthesunwastotwostars.Steerforthcontinuedhisprotectionofme,andprovedaveryusefulfriend;sincenobodydaredtoannoyonewhomhehonouredwithhiscountenance.Hecouldn't-oratalleventshedidn't-defendmefromMr.Creakle,whowasveryseverewithme;butwheneverIhadbeentreatedworsethanusual,healwaystoldmethatIwantedalittleofhispluck,andthathewouldn'thavestoodithimself;whichIfeltheintendedforencouragement,andconsideredtobeverykindofhim.Therewasoneadvantage,andonlyonethatIknowof,inMr.Creakle'sseverity.HefoundmyplacardinhiswaywhenhecameupordownbehindtheformonwhichIsat,andwanted
tomakeacutatmeinpassing;forthisreasonitwassoontakenoff,andIsawitnomore.AnaccidentalcircumstancecementedtheintimacybetweenSteerforthandme,inamannerthatinspiredmewithgreatprideandsatisfaction,thoughitsometimesledtoinconvenience.Ithappenedononeoccasion,whenhewasdoingmethehonouroftalkingtomeintheplayground,thatIhazardedtheobservationthatsomethingorsomebody-Iforgetwhatnow-waslikesomethingorsomebodyinPeregrinePickle.Hesaidnothingatthetime;butwhenIwasgoingtobedatnight,askedmeifIhadgotthatbook?Itoldhimno,andexplainedhowitwasthatIhadreadit,andallthoseotherbooksofwhichIhavemademention.'Anddoyourecollectthem?'Steerforthsaid.'Ohyes,'Ireplied;Ihadagoodmemory,andIbelievedIrecollectedthemverywell.'ThenItellyouwhat,youngCopperfield,'saidSteerforth,'youshalltell'emtome.Ican'tgettosleepveryearlyatnight,andIgenerallywakeratherearlyinthemorning.We'llgoover
'emoneafteranother.We'llmakesomeregularArabianNightsofit.'Ifeltextremelyflatteredbythisarrangement,andwecommencedcarryingitintoexecutionthatveryevening.WhatravagesIcommittedonmyfavouriteauthorsinthecourseofmyinterpretationofthem,Iamnotinaconditiontosay,andshouldbeveryunwillingtoknow;butIhadaprofoundfaithinthem,andIhad,tothebestofmybelief,asimple,earnestmannerofnarratingwhatIdidnarrate;andthesequalitieswentalongway.Thedrawbackwas,thatIwasoftensleepyatnight,oroutofspiritsandindisposedtoresumethestory;andthenitwasratherhardwork,anditmustbedone;fortodisappointortodispleaseSteerforthwasofcourseoutofthequestion.Inthemorning,too,whenIfeltweary,andshouldhaveenjoyedanotherhour'sreposeverymuch,itwasatiresomethingtoberoused,liketheSultanaScheherazade,andforcedintoalongstorybeforethegetting-upbellrang;butSteerforthwasresolute;andasheexplainedtome,inreturn,mysumsandexercises,andanythinginmytasksthatwastoohardforme,Iwasnoloserbythetransaction.Letmedomyselfjustice,however.Iwasmovedbynointerestedorselfishmotive,norwasImovedbyfearofhim.Iadmiredandlovedhim,
andhisapprovalwasreturnenough.ItwassoprecioustomethatIlookbackonthesetrifles,now,withanachingheart.Steerforthwasconsiderate,too;andshowedhisconsideration,inoneparticularinstance,inanunflinchingmannerthatwasalittletantalizing,Isuspect,topoorTraddlesandtherest.Peggotty'spromisedletter-whatacomfortableletteritwas!-arrivedbefore'thehalf'wasmanyweeksold;andwithitacakeinaperfectnestoforanges,andtwobottlesofcowslipwine.Thistreasure,asindutybound,IlaidatthefeetofSteerforth,andbeggedhimtodispense.'Now,I'lltellyouwhat,youngCopperfield,'saidhe:'thewineshallbekepttowetyourwhistlewhenyouarestory-telling.'Iblushedattheidea,andbeggedhim,inmymodesty,nottothinkofit.ButhesaidhehadobservedIwassometimeshoarse-alittleroopywashisexactexpression-anditshouldbe,everydrop,devotedtothepurposehehadmentioned.Accordingly,itwaslockedupinhisbox,anddrawnoffbyhimselfinaphial,andadministeredtomethroughapieceofquillinthecork,whenIwassupposedtobeinwantofarestorative.Sometimes,tomakeitamoresovereignspecific,hewassokindastosqueezeorangejuice
intoit,ortostiritupwithginger,ordissolveapeppermintdropinit;andalthoughIcannotassertthattheflavourwasimprovedbytheseexperiments,orthatitwasexactlythecompoundonewouldhavechosenforastomachic,thelastthingatnightandthefirstthinginthemorning,Idrankitgratefullyandwasverysensibleofhisattention.Weseem,tome,tohavebeenmonthsoverPeregrine,andmonthsmoreovertheotherstories.Theinstitutionneverflaggedforwantofastory,Iamcertain;andthewinelastedoutalmostaswellasthematter.PoorTraddles-Ineverthinkofthatboybutwithastrangedispositiontolaugh,andwithtearsinmyeyes-wasasortofchorus,ingeneral;andaffectedtobeconvulsedwithmirthatthecomicparts,andtobeovercomewithfearwhentherewasanypassageofanalarmingcharacterinthenarrative.Thisratherputmeout,veryoften.Itwasagreatjestofhis,Irecollect,topretendthathecouldn'tkeephisteethfromchattering,whenevermentionwasmadeofanAlguazillinconnexionwiththeadventuresofGilBlas;andIrememberthatwhenGilBlasmetthecaptainoftherobbersinMadrid,thisunluckyjokercounterfeitedsuchanagueofterror,thathewasoverheardbyMr.Creakle,whowasprowlingaboutthepassage,andhandsomelyfloggedfordisorderlyconductinthebedroom.
WhateverIhadwithinmethatwasromanticanddreamy,wasencouragedbysomuchstory-tellinginthedark;andinthatrespectthepursuitmaynothavebeenveryprofitabletome.Butthebeingcherishedasakindofplaythinginmyroom,andtheconsciousnessthatthisaccomplishmentofminewasbruitedaboutamongtheboys,andattractedagooddealofnoticetomethoughIwastheyoungestthere,stimulatedmetoexertion.Inaschoolcarriedonbysheercruelty,whetheritispresidedoverbyadunceornot,thereisnotlikelytobemuchlearnt.Ibelieveourboyswere,generally,asignorantasetasanyschoolboysinexistence;theyweretoomuchtroubledandknockedabouttolearn;theycouldnomoredothattoadvantage,thananyonecandoanythingtoadvantageinalifeofconstantmisfortune,torment,andworry.Butmylittlevanity,andSteerforth'shelp,urgedmeonsomehow;andwithoutsavingmefrommuch,ifanything,inthewayofpunishment,mademe,forthetimeIwasthere,anexceptiontothegeneralbody,insomuchthatIdidsteadilypickupsomecrumbsofknowledge.InthisIwasmuchassistedbyMr.Mell,whohadalikingformethatIamgratefultoremember.ItalwaysgavemepaintoobservethatSteerforthtreatedhimwithsystematicdisparagement,andseldomlostanoccasionofwoundinghisfeelings,orinducing
otherstodoso.Thistroubledmethemoreforalongtime,becauseIhadsoontoldSteerforth,fromwhomIcouldnomorekeepsuchasecret,thanIcouldkeepacakeoranyothertangiblepossession,aboutthetwooldwomenMr.Mellhadtakenmetosee;andIwasalwaysafraidthatSteerforthwouldletitout,andtwithimwithit.Welittlethought,anyoneofus,Idaresay,whenIatemybreakfastthatfirstmorning,andwenttosleepundertheshadowofthepeacock'sfeatherstothesoundoftheflute,whatconsequenceswouldcomeoftheintroductionintothosealms-housesofmyinsignificantperson.Butthevisithaditsunforeseenconsequences;andofaserioussort,too,intheirway.OnedaywhenMr.Creaklekeptthehousefromindisposition,whichnaturallydiffusedalivelyjoythroughtheschool,therewasagooddealofnoiseinthecourseofthemorning'swork.Thegreatreliefandsatisfactionexperiencedbytheboysmadethemdifficulttomanage;andthoughthedreadedTungaybroughthiswoodenlegintwiceorthrice,andtooknotesoftheprincipaloffenders'names,nogreatimpressionwasmadebyit,astheywereprettysureofgettingintotroubletomorrow,dowhattheywould,andthoughtitwise,nodoubt,toenjoythemselvestoday.
Itwas,properly,ahalf-holiday;beingSaturday.ButasthenoiseintheplaygroundwouldhavedisturbedMr.Creakle,andtheweatherwasnotfavourableforgoingoutwalking,wewereorderedintoschoolintheafternoon,andsetsomelightertasksthanusual,whichweremadefortheoccasion.ItwasthedayoftheweekonwhichMr.Sharpwentouttogethiswigcurled;soMr.Mell,whoalwaysdidthedrudgery,whateveritwas,keptschoolbyhimself.IfIcouldassociatetheideaofabullorabearwithanyonesomildasMr.Mell,Ishouldthinkofhim,inconnexionwiththatafternoonwhentheuproarwasatitsheight,asofoneofthoseanimals,baitedbyathousanddogs.Irecallhimbendinghisachinghead,supportedonhisbonyhand,overthebookonhisdesk,andwretchedlyendeavouringtogetonwithhistiresomework,amidstanuproarthatmighthavemadetheSpeakeroftheHouseofCommonsgiddy.Boysstartedinandoutoftheirplaces,playingatpussinthecornerwithotherboys;therewerelaughingboys,singingboys,talkingboys,dancingboys,howlingboys;boysshuffledwiththeirfeet,boyswhirledabouthim,grinning,makingfaces,mimickinghimbehindhisbackandbeforehiseyes;mimickinghispoverty,hisboots,hiscoat,hismother,everythingbelongingtohimthattheyshouldhavehadconsiderationfor.
'Silence!'criedMr.Mell,suddenlyrisingup,andstrikinghisdeskwiththebook.'Whatdoesthismean!It'simpossibletobearit.It'smaddening.Howcanyoudoittome,boys?'Itwasmybookthathestruckhisdeskwith;andasIstoodbesidehim,followinghiseyeasitglancedroundtheroom,Isawtheboysallstop,somesuddenlysurprised,somehalfafraid,andsomesorryperhaps.Steerforth'splacewasatthebottomoftheschool,attheoppositeendofthelongroom.Hewasloungingwithhisbackagainstthewall,andhishandsinhispockets,andlookedatMr.Mellwithhismouthshutupasifhewerewhistling,whenMr.Melllookedathim.'Silence,Mr.Steerforth!'saidMr.Mell.'Silenceyourself,'saidSteerforth,turningred.'Whomareyoutalkingto?''Sitdown,'saidMr.Mell.'Sitdownyourself,'saidSteerforth,'andmindyourbusiness.'
Therewasatitter,andsomeapplause;butMr.Mellwassowhite,thatsilenceimmediatelysucceeded;andoneboy,whohaddartedoutbehindhimtoimitatehismotheragain,changedhismind,andpretendedtowantapenmended.'Ifyouthink,Steerforth,'saidMr.Mell,'thatIamnotacquaintedwiththepoweryoucanestablishoveranymindhere'-helaidhishand,withoutconsideringwhathedid(asIsupposed),uponmyhead-'orthatIhavenotobservedyou,withinafewminutes,urgingyourjuniorsontoeverysortofoutrageagainstme,youaremistaken.''Idon'tgivemyselfthetroubleofthinkingatallaboutyou,'saidSteerforth,coolly;'soI'mnotmistaken,asithappens.''Andwhenyoumakeuseofyourpositionoffavouritismhere,sir,'pursuedMr.Mell,withhisliptremblingverymuch,'toinsultagentleman-''Awhat?-whereishe?'saidSteerforth.Heresomebodycriedout,'Shame,J.Steerforth!Toobad!'ItwasTraddles;whomMr.Mellinstantlydiscomfitedbybiddinghimhold
histongue.-'Toinsultonewhoisnotfortunateinlife,sir,andwhonevergaveyoutheleastoffence,andthemanyreasonsfornotinsultingwhomyouareoldenoughandwiseenoughtounderstand,'saidMr.Mell,withhislipstremblingmoreandmore,'youcommitameanandbaseaction.Youcansitdownorstandupasyouplease,sir.Copperfield,goon.''YoungCopperfield,'saidSteerforth,comingforwarduptheroom,'stopabit.Itellyouwhat,Mr.Mell,onceforall.Whenyoutakethelibertyofcallingmemeanorbase,oranythingofthatsort,youareanimpudentbeggar.Youarealwaysabeggar,youknow;butwhenyoudothat,youareanimpudentbeggar.'IamnotclearwhetherhewasgoingtostrikeMr.Mell,orMr.Mellwasgoingtostrikehim,ortherewasanysuchintentiononeitherside.Isawarigiditycomeuponthewholeschoolasiftheyhadbeenturnedintostone,andfoundMr.Creakleinthemidstofus,withTungayathisside,andMrs.andMissCreaklelookinginatthedoorasiftheywerefrightened.Mr.Mell,withhiselbowsonhisdeskandhisfaceinhishands,sat,forsomemoments,quitestill.
'Mr.Mell,'saidMr.Creakle,shakinghimbythearm;andhiswhisperwassoaudiblenow,thatTungayfeltitunnecessarytorepeathiswords;'youhavenotforgottenyourself,Ihope?''No,sir,no,'returnedtheMaster,showinghisface,andshakinghishead,andrubbinghishandsingreatagitation.'No,sir.No.Ihaverememberedmyself,I-no,Mr.Creakle,Ihavenotforgottenmyself,I-Ihaverememberedmyself,sir.I-I-couldwishyouhadrememberedmealittlesooner,Mr.Creakle.It-it-wouldhavebeenmorekind,sir,morejust,sir.Itwouldhavesavedmesomething,sir.'Mr.Creakle,lookinghardatMr.Mell,puthishandonTungay'sshoulder,andgothisfeetupontheformcloseby,andsatuponthedesk.AfterstilllookinghardatMr.Mellfromhisthrone,asheshookhishead,andrubbedhishands,andremainedinthesamestateofagitation,Mr.CreakleturnedtoSteerforth,andsaid:'Now,sir,ashedon'tcondescendtotellme,whatisthis?'Steerforthevadedthequestionforalittlewhile;lookinginscornandangeronhisopponent,andremainingsilent.Icouldnothelp
thinkingeveninthatinterval,Iremember,whatanoblefellowhewasinappearance,andhowhomelyandplainMr.Melllookedopposedtohim.'Whatdidhemeanbytalkingaboutfavourites,then?'saidSteerforthatlength.'Favourites?'repeatedMr.Creakle,withtheveinsinhisforeheadswellingquickly.'Whotalkedaboutfavourites?''Hedid,'saidSteerforth.'Andpray,whatdidyoumeanbythat,sir?'demandedMr.Creakle,turningangrilyonhisassistant.'Imeant,Mr.Creakle,'hereturnedinalowvoice,'asIsaid;thatnopupilhadarighttoavailhimselfofhispositionoffavouritismtodegrademe.''TodegradeYOU?'saidMr.Creakle.'Mystars!Butgivemeleavetoaskyou,Mr.What's-your-name';andhereMr.Creaklefoldedhisarms,caneandall,uponhischest,andmadesuchaknotofhisbrowsthathislittleeyeswerehardlyvisiblebelowthem;
'whether,whenyoutalkaboutfavourites,youshowedproperrespecttome?Tome,sir,'saidMr.Creakle,dartinghisheadathimsuddenly,anddrawingitbackagain,'theprincipalofthisestablishment,andyouremployer.''Itwasnotjudicious,sir,Iamwillingtoadmit,'saidMr.Mell.'Ishouldnothavedoneso,ifIhadbeencool.'HereSteerforthstruckin.'ThenhesaidIwasmean,andthenhesaidIwasbase,andthenIcalledhimabeggar.IfIhadbeencool,perhapsIshouldn'thavecalledhimabeggar.ButIdid,andIamreadytotaketheconsequencesofit.'Withoutconsidering,perhaps,whethertherewereanyconsequencestobetaken,Ifeltquiteinaglowatthisgallantspeech.Itmadeanimpressionontheboystoo,fortherewasalowstiramongthem,thoughnoonespokeaword.'Iamsurprised,Steerforth-althoughyourcandourdoesyouhonour,'saidMr.Creakle,'doesyouhonour,certainly-Iamsurprised,Steerforth,Imustsay,thatyoushouldattachsuchan
epithettoanypersonemployedandpaidinSalemHouse,sir.'Steerforthgaveashortlaugh.'That'snotananswer,sir,'saidMr.Creakle,'tomyremark.Iexpectmorethanthatfromyou,Steerforth.'IfMr.Melllookedhomely,inmyeyes,beforethehandsomeboy,itwouldbequiteimpossibletosayhowhomelyMr.Creaklelooked.'Lethimdenyit,'saidSteerforth.'Denythatheisabeggar,Steerforth?'criedMr.Creakle.'Why,wheredoeshegoa-begging?''Ifheisnotabeggarhimself,hisnearrelation'sone,'saidSteerforth.'It'sallthesame.'Heglancedatme,andMr.Mell'shandgentlypattedmeupontheshoulder.Ilookedupwithaflushuponmyfaceandremorseinmyheart,butMr.Mell'seyeswerefixedonSteerforth.Hecontinuedtopatmekindlyontheshoulder,buthelookedathim.'Sinceyouexpectme,Mr.Creakle,tojustifymyself,'said
Steerforth,'andtosaywhatImean,-whatIhavetosayis,thathismotherlivesoncharityinanalms-house.'Mr.Mellstilllookedathim,andstillpattedmekindlyontheshoulder,andsaidtohimself,inawhisper,ifIheardright:'Yes,Ithoughtso.'Mr.Creakleturnedtohisassistant,withaseverefrownandlabouredpoliteness:'Now,youhearwhatthisgentlemansays,Mr.Mell.Havethegoodness,ifyouplease,tosethimrightbeforetheassembledschool.''Heisright,sir,withoutcorrection,'returnedMr.Mell,inthemidstofadeadsilence;'whathehassaidistrue.''Besogoodthenasdeclarepublicly,willyou,'saidMr.Creakle,puttinghisheadononeside,androllinghiseyesroundtheschool,'whetheritevercametomyknowledgeuntilthismoment?''Ibelievenotdirectly,'hereturned.
'Why,youknownot,'saidMr.Creakle.'Don'tyou,man?''Iapprehendyouneversupposedmyworldlycircumstancestobeverygood,'repliedtheassistant.'Youknowwhatmypositionis,andalwayshasbeen,here.''Iapprehend,ifyoucometothat,'saidMr.Creakle,withhisveinsswellingagainbiggerthanever,'thatyou'vebeeninawrongpositionaltogether,andmistookthisforacharityschool.Mr.Mell,we'llpart,ifyouplease.Thesoonerthebetter.''Thereisnotime,'answeredMr.Mell,rising,'likethepresent.''Sir,toyou!'saidMr.Creakle.'Itakemyleaveofyou,Mr.Creakle,andallofyou,'saidMr.Mell,glancingroundtheroom,andagainpattingmegentlyontheshoulders.'JamesSteerforth,thebestwishIcanleaveyouisthatyoumaycometobeashamedofwhatyouhavedonetoday.AtpresentIwouldprefertoseeyouanythingratherthanafriend,tome,ortoanyoneinwhomIfeelaninterest.'Oncemorehelaidhishanduponmyshoulder;andthentakinghis
fluteandafewbooksfromhisdesk,andleavingthekeyinitforhissuccessor,hewentoutoftheschool,withhispropertyunderhisarm.Mr.Creaklethenmadeaspeech,throughTungay,inwhichhethankedSteerforthforasserting(thoughperhapstoowarmly)theindependenceandrespectabilityofSalemHouse;andwhichhewoundupbyshakinghandswithSteerforth,whilewegavethreecheers-Ididnotquiteknowwhatfor,butIsupposedforSteerforth,andsojoinedinthemardently,thoughIfeltmiserable.Mr.CreaklethencanedTommyTraddlesforbeingdiscoveredintears,insteadofcheers,onaccountofMr.Mell'sdeparture;andwentbacktohissofa,orhisbed,orwhereverhehadcomefrom.Wewerelefttoourselvesnow,andlookedveryblank,Irecollect,ononeanother.Formyself,Ifeltsomuchself-reproachandcontritionformypartinwhathadhappened,thatnothingwouldhaveenabledmetokeepbackmytearsbutthefearthatSteerforth,whooftenlookedatme,Isaw,mightthinkitunfriendly-or,Ishouldrathersay,consideringourrelativeages,andthefeelingwithwhichIregardedhim,undutiful-ifIshowedtheemotionwhichdistressedme.HewasveryangrywithTraddles,andsaidhewasgladhehadcaughtit.PoorTraddles,whohadpassedthestageoflyingwithhisheadupon
thedesk,andwasrelievinghimselfasusualwithaburstofskeletons,saidhedidn'tcare.Mr.Mellwasill-used.'Whohasill-usedhim,yougirl?'saidSteerforth.'Why,youhave,'returnedTraddles.'WhathaveIdone?'saidSteerforth.'Whathaveyoudone?'retortedTraddles.'Hurthisfeelings,andlosthimhissituation.''Hisfeelings?'repeatedSteerforthdisdainfully.'Hisfeelingswillsoongetthebetterofit,I'llbebound.Hisfeelingsarenotlikeyours,MissTraddles.Astohissituation-whichwasapreciousone,wasn'tit?-doyousupposeIamnotgoingtowritehome,andtakecarethathegetssomemoney?Polly?'WethoughtthisintentionverynobleinSteerforth,whosemotherwasawidow,andrich,andwoulddoalmostanything,itwassaid,thatheaskedher.WewereallextremelygladtoseeTraddlessoputdown,andexaltedSteerforthtotheskies:especiallywhenhetoldus,ashecondescendedtodo,thatwhathehaddonehadbeen
doneexpresslyforus,andforourcause;andthathehadconferredagreatboonuponusbyunselfishlydoingit.ButImustsaythatwhenIwasgoingonwithastoryinthedarkthatnight,Mr.Mell'soldfluteseemedmorethanoncetosoundmournfullyinmyears;andthatwhenatlastSteerforthwastired,andIlaydowninmybed,Ifancieditplayingsosorrowfullysomewhere,thatIwasquitewretched.IsoonforgothiminthecontemplationofSteerforth,who,inaneasyamateurway,andwithoutanybook(heseemedtometoknoweverythingbyheart),tooksomeofhisclassesuntilanewmasterwasfound.Thenewmastercamefromagrammarschool;andbeforeheenteredonhisduties,dinedintheparlouroneday,tobeintroducedtoSteerforth.Steerforthapprovedofhimhighly,andtoldushewasaBrick.Withoutexactlyunderstandingwhatlearneddistinctionwasmeantbythis,Irespectedhimgreatlyforit,andhadnodoubtwhateverofhissuperiorknowledge:thoughhenevertookthepainswithme-notthatIwasanybody-thatMr.Mellhadtaken.Therewasonlyoneothereventinthishalf-year,outofthedailyschool-life,thatmadeanimpressionuponmewhichstillsurvives.Itsurvivesformanyreasons.
Oneafternoon,whenwewereallharassedintoastateofdireconfusion,andMr.Creaklewaslayingabouthimdreadfully,Tungaycamein,andcalledoutinhisusualstrongway:'VisitorsforCopperfield!'AfewwordswereinterchangedbetweenhimandMr.Creakle,as,whothevisitorswere,andwhatroomtheyweretobeshowninto;andthenI,whohad,accordingtocustom,stoodupontheannouncementbeingmade,andfeltquitefaintwithastonishment,wastoldtogobythebackstairsandgetacleanfrillon,beforeIrepairedtothedining-room.TheseordersIobeyed,insuchaflutterandhurryofmyyoungspiritsasIhadneverknownbefore;andwhenIgottotheparlourdoor,andthethoughtcameintomyheadthatitmightbemymother-IhadonlythoughtofMr.orMissMurdstoneuntilthen-Idrewbackmyhandfromthelock,andstoppedtohaveasobbeforeIwentin.AtfirstIsawnobody;butfeelingapressureagainstthedoor,Ilookedroundit,andthere,tomyamazement,wereMr.PeggottyandHam,duckingatmewiththeirhats,andsqueezingoneanotheragainstthewall.Icouldnothelplaughing;butitwasmuchmoreinthepleasureofseeingthem,thanattheappearancetheymade.
Weshookhandsinaverycordialway;andIlaughedandlaughed,untilIpulledoutmypocket-handkerchiefandwipedmyeyes.Mr.Peggotty(whonevershuthismouthonce,Iremember,duringthevisit)showedgreatconcernwhenhesawmedothis,andnudgedHamtosaysomething.'Cheerup,Mas'rDavybor'!'saidHam,inhissimperingway.'Why,howyouhavegrowed!''AmIgrown?'Isaid,dryingmyeyes.IwasnotcryingatanythinginparticularthatIknowof;butsomehowitmademecry,toseeoldfriends.'Growed,Mas'rDavybor'?Ain'thegrowed!'saidHam.'Ain'thegrowed!'saidMr.Peggotty.Theymademelaughagainbylaughingateachother,andthenweallthreelaugheduntilIwasindangerofcryingagain.'Doyouknowhowmamais,Mr.Peggotty?'Isaid.'Andhowmydear,dear,oldPeggottyis?'
'Oncommon,'saidMr.Peggotty.'AndlittleEm'ly,andMrs.Gummidge?''On-common,'saidMr.Peggotty.Therewasasilence.Mr.Peggotty,torelieveit,tooktwoprodigiouslobsters,andanenormouscrab,andalargecanvasbagofshrimps,outofhispockets,andpiledthemupinHam'sarms.'Yousee,'saidMr.Peggotty,'knowingasyouwaspartialtoalittlerelishwithyourwittleswhenyouwasalongwithus,wetooktheliberty.TheoldMawtherbiled'em,shedid.Mrs.Gummidgebiled'em.Yes,'saidMr.Peggotty,slowly,whoIthoughtappearedtosticktothesubjectonaccountofhavingnoothersubjectready,'Mrs.Gummidge,Idoassureyou,shebiled'em.'Iexpressedmythanks;andMr.Peggotty,afterlookingatHam,whostoodsmilingsheepishlyovertheshellfish,withoutmakinganyattempttohelphim,said:'Wecome,yousee,thewindandtidemakinginourfavour,inone
ofourYarmouthlugstoGravesen'.Mysistershewrotetomethenameofthishereplace,andwrotetomeasifeverIchancedtocometoGravesen',IwastocomeoverandinquireforMas'rDavyandgiveherdooty,humblywishinghimwellandreportingofthefam'lyastheywasoncommontoe-be-sure.LittleEm'ly,yousee,she'llwritetomysisterwhenIgoback,asIseeyouandasyouwassimilarlyoncommon,andsowemakeitquiteamerry-go-rounder.'IwasobligedtoconsideralittlebeforeIunderstoodwhatMr.Peggottymeantbythisfigure,expressiveofacompletecircleofintelligence.Ithenthankedhimheartily;andsaid,withaconsciousnessofreddening,thatIsupposedlittleEm'lywasalteredtoo,sinceweusedtopickupshellsandpebblesonthebeach?'She'sgettingtobeawoman,that'swotshe'sgettingtobe,'saidMr.Peggotty.'AskHIM.'HemeantHam,whobeamedwithdelightandassentoverthebagofshrimps.'Herprettyface!'saidMr.Peggotty,withhisownshininglikealight.
'Herlearning!'saidHam.'Herwriting!'saidMr.Peggotty.'Whyit'sasblackasjet!Andsolargeitis,youmightseeitanywheres.'ItwasperfectlydelightfultobeholdwithwhatenthusiasmMr.Peggottybecameinspiredwhenhethoughtofhislittlefavourite.Hestandsbeforemeagain,hisbluffhairyfaceirradiatingwithajoyfulloveandpride,forwhichIcanfindnodescription.Hishonesteyesfireup,andsparkle,asiftheirdepthswerestirredbysomethingbright.Hisbroadchestheaveswithpleasure.Hisstrongloosehandsclenchthemselves,inhisearnestness;andheemphasizeswhathesayswitharightarmthatshows,inmypigmyview,likeasledge-hammer.Hamwasquiteasearnestashe.Idaresaytheywouldhavesaidmuchmoreabouther,iftheyhadnotbeenabashedbytheunexpectedcominginofSteerforth,who,seeingmeinacornerspeakingwithtwostrangers,stoppedinasonghewassinging,andsaid:'Ididn'tknowyouwerehere,youngCopperfield!'(foritwasnottheusualvisitingroom)andcrossedbyusonhiswayout.
IamnotsurewhetheritwasintheprideofhavingsuchafriendasSteerforth,orinthedesiretoexplaintohimhowIcametohavesuchafriendasMr.Peggotty,thatIcalledtohimashewasgoingaway.ButIsaid,modestly-GoodHeaven,howitallcomesbacktomethislongtimeafterwards!-'Don'tgo,Steerforth,ifyouplease.ThesearetwoYarmouthboatmen-verykind,goodpeople-whoarerelationsofmynurse,andhavecomefromGravesendtoseeme.''Aye,aye?'saidSteerforth,returning.'Iamgladtoseethem.Howareyouboth?'Therewasaneaseinhismanner-agayandlightmanneritwas,butnotswaggering-whichIstillbelievetohaveborneakindofenchantmentwithit.Istillbelievehim,invirtueofthiscarriage,hisanimalspirits,hisdelightfulvoice,hishandsomefaceandfigure,and,foraughtIknow,ofsomeinbornpowerofattractionbesides(whichIthinkafewpeoplepossess),tohavecarriedaspellwithhimtowhichitwasanaturalweaknesstoyield,andwhichnotmanypersonscouldwithstand.Icouldnotbutseehowpleasedtheywerewithhim,andhowtheyseemedtoopentheirheartstohiminamoment.
'Youmustletthemknowathome,ifyouplease,Mr.Peggotty,'Isaid,'whenthatletterissent,thatMr.Steerforthisverykindtome,andthatIdon'tknowwhatIshouldeverdoherewithouthim.''Nonsense!'saidSteerforth,laughing.'Youmustn'ttellthemanythingofthesort.''AndifMr.SteerforthevercomesintoNorfolkorSuffolk,Mr.Peggotty,'Isaid,'whileIamthere,youmaydependuponitIshallbringhimtoYarmouth,ifhewillletme,toseeyourhouse.Youneversawsuchagoodhouse,Steerforth.It'smadeoutofaboat!''Madeoutofaboat,isit?'saidSteerforth.'It'stherightsortofahouseforsuchathorough-builtboatman.''So'tis,sir,so'tis,sir,'saidHam,grinning.'You'reright,younggen'l'm'n!Mas'rDavybor',gen'l'm'n'sright.Athorough-builtboatman!Hor,hor!That'swhatheis,too!'Mr.Peggottywasnolesspleasedthanhisnephew,thoughhis
modestyforbadehimtoclaimapersonalcomplimentsovociferously.'Well,sir,'hesaid,bowingandchuckling,andtuckingintheendsofhisneckerchiefathisbreast:'Ithankee,sir,Ithankee!Idomyendeavoursinmylineoflife,sir.''Thebestofmencandonomore,Mr.Peggotty,'saidSteerforth.Hehadgothisnamealready.'I'llpoundit,it'swotyoudoyourself,sir,'saidMr.Peggotty,shakinghishead,'andwotyoudowell-rightwell!Ithankee,sir.I'mobleegedtoyou,sir,foryourwelcomingmannerofme.I'mrough,sir,butI'mready-leastways,IhopeI'mready,youunnerstand.Myhouseain'tmuchfortosee,sir,butit'sheartyatyourserviceifeveryoushouldcomealongwithMas'rDavytoseeit.I'mareg'larDodman,Iam,'saidMr.Peggotty,bywhichhemeantsnail,andthiswasinallusiontohisbeingslowtogo,forhehadattemptedtogoaftereverysentence,andhadsomehoworothercomebackagain;'butIwishyoubothwell,andIwishyouhappy!'Hamechoedthissentiment,andwepartedwiththemintheheartiestmanner.IwasalmosttemptedthateveningtotellSteerforthabout
prettylittleEm'ly,butIwastootimidofmentioninghername,andtoomuchafraidofhislaughingatme.IrememberthatIthoughtagooddeal,andinanuneasysortofway,aboutMr.Peggottyhavingsaidthatshewasgettingontobeawoman;butIdecidedthatwasnonsense.Wetransportedtheshellfish,orthe'relish'asMr.Peggottyhadmodestlycalledit,upintoourroomunobserved,andmadeagreatsupperthatevening.ButTraddlescouldn'tgethappilyoutofit.Hewastoounfortunateeventocomethroughasupperlikeanybodyelse.Hewastakenillinthenight-quiteprostratehewas-inconsequenceofCrab;andafterbeingdruggedwithblackdraughtsandbluepills,toanextentwhichDemple(whosefatherwasadoctor)saidwasenoughtoundermineahorse'sconstitution,receivedacaningandsixchaptersofGreekTestamentforrefusingtoconfess.Therestofthehalf-yearisajumbleinmyrecollectionofthedailystrifeandstruggleofourlives;ofthewaningsummerandthechangingseason;ofthefrostymorningswhenwewererungoutofbed,andthecold,coldsmellofthedarknightswhenwewererungintobedagain;oftheeveningschoolroomdimlylightedandindifferentlywarmed,andthemorningschoolroomwhichwasnothing
butagreatshivering-machine;ofthealternationofboiledbeefwithroastbeef,andboiledmuttonwithroastmutton;ofclodsofbread-and-butter,dog's-earedlesson-books,crackedslates,tear-blottedcopy-books,canings,rulerings,hair-cuttings,rainySundays,suet-puddings,andadirtyatmosphereofink,surroundingall.Iwellrememberthough,howthedistantideaoftheholidays,afterseemingforanimmensetimetobeastationaryspeck,begantocometowardsus,andtogrowandgrow.Howfromcountingmonths,wecametoweeks,andthentodays;andhowIthenbegantobeafraidthatIshouldnotbesentforandwhenIlearntfromSteerforththatIhadbeensentfor,andwascertainlytogohome,haddimforebodingsthatImightbreakmylegfirst.Howthebreaking-updaychangeditsplacefast,atlast,fromtheweekafternexttonextweek,thisweek,thedayaftertomorrow,tomorrow,today,tonight-whenIwasinsidetheYarmouthmail,andgoinghome.IhadmanyabrokensleepinsidetheYarmouthmail,andmanyanincoherentdreamofallthesethings.ButwhenIawokeatintervals,thegroundoutsidethewindowwasnottheplaygroundofSalemHouse,andthesoundinmyearswasnotthesoundofMr.CreaklegivingittoTraddles,butthesoundofthecoachman
touchingupthehorses.CHAPTER8MYHOLIDAYS.ESPECIALLYONEHAPPYAFTERNOONWhenwearrivedbeforedayattheinnwherethemailstopped,whichwasnottheinnwheremyfriendthewaiterlived,Iwasshownuptoanicelittlebedroom,withDOLPHINpaintedonthedoor.VerycoldIwas,Iknow,notwithstandingthehotteatheyhadgivenmebeforealargefiredownstairs;andverygladIwastoturnintotheDolphin'sbed,pulltheDolphin'sblanketsroundmyhead,andgotosleep.Mr.Barkisthecarrierwastocallformeinthemorningatnineo'clock.Igotupateight,alittlegiddyfromtheshortnessofmynight'srest,andwasreadyforhimbeforetheappointedtime.Hereceivedmeexactlyasifnotfiveminuteshadelapsedsincewewerelasttogether,andIhadonlybeenintothehoteltogetchangeforsixpence,orsomethingofthatsort.AssoonasIandmyboxwereinthecart,andthecarrierseated,
thelazyhorsewalkedawaywithusallathisaccustomedpace.'Youlookverywell,Mr.Barkis,'Isaid,thinkinghewouldliketoknowit.Mr.Barkisrubbedhischeekwithhiscuff,andthenlookedathiscuffasifheexpectedtofindsomeofthebloomuponit;butmadenootheracknowledgementofthecompliment.'Igaveyourmessage,Mr.Barkis,'Isaid:'IwrotetoPeggotty.''Ah!'saidMr.Barkis.Mr.Barkisseemedgruff,andanswereddrily.'Wasn'titright,Mr.Barkis?'Iasked,afteralittlehesitation.'Why,no,'saidMr.Barkis.'Notthemessage?''Themessagewasrightenough,perhaps,'saidMr.Barkis;'butitcometoanendthere.'
Notunderstandingwhathemeant,Irepeatedinquisitively:'Cametoanend,Mr.Barkis?''Nothingcomeofit,'heexplained,lookingatmesideways.'Noanswer.''Therewasananswerexpected,wasthere,Mr.Barkis?'saidI,openingmyeyes.Forthiswasanewlighttome.'Whenamansayshe'swillin','saidMr.Barkis,turninghisglanceslowlyonmeagain,'it'sasmuchastosay,thatman'sa-waitin'foraanswer.''Well,Mr.Barkis?''Well,'saidMr.Barkis,carryinghiseyesbacktohishorse'sears;'thatman'sbeena-waitin'foraanswereversince.''Haveyoutoldherso,Mr.Barkis?''No-no,'growledMr.Barkis,reflectingaboutit.'Iain'tgotnocalltogoandtellherso.Ineversaidsixwordstoher
myself,Iain'ta-goin'totellherso.''Wouldyoulikemetodoit,Mr.Barkis?'saidI,doubtfully.'Youmighttellher,ifyouwould,'saidMr.Barkis,withanotherslowlookatme,'thatBarkiswasa-waitin'foraanswer.Saysyou-whatnameisit?''Hername?''Ah!'saidMr.Barkis,withanodofhishead.'Peggotty.''Chrisenname?Ornat'ralname?'saidMr.Barkis.'Oh,it'snotherChristianname.HerChristiannameisClara.''Isitthough?'saidMr.Barkis.Heseemedtofindanimmensefundofreflectioninthiscircumstance,andsatponderingandinwardlywhistlingforsometime.
'Well!'heresumedatlength.'Saysyou,"Peggotty!Barkisiswaitin'foraanswer."Saysshe,perhaps,"Answertowhat?"Saysyou,"TowhatItoldyou.""Whatisthat?"saysshe."Barkisiswillin',"saysyou.'ThisextremelyartfulsuggestionMr.Barkisaccompaniedwithanudgeofhiselbowthatgavemequiteastitchinmyside.Afterthat,heslouchedoverhishorseinhisusualmanner;andmadenootherreferencetothesubjectexcept,halfanhourafterwards,takingapieceofchalkfromhispocket,andwritingup,insidethetiltofthecart,'ClaraPeggotty'-apparentlyasaprivatememorandum.Ah,whatastrangefeelingitwastobegoinghomewhenitwasnothome,andtofindthateveryobjectIlookedat,remindedmeofthehappyoldhome,whichwaslikeadreamIcouldneverdreamagain!ThedayswhenmymotherandIandPeggottywereallinalltooneanother,andtherewasnoonetocomebetweenus,roseupbeforemesosorrowfullyontheroad,thatIamnotsureIwasgladtobethere-notsurebutthatIwouldratherhaveremainedaway,andforgottenitinSteerforth'scompany.ButthereIwas;andsoonIwasatourhouse,wherethebareoldelm-treeswrungtheirmanyhandsinthebleakwintryair,andshredsoftheoldrooks'-nests
driftedawayuponthewind.Thecarrierputmyboxdownatthegarden-gate,andleftme.Iwalkedalongthepathtowardsthehouse,glancingatthewindows,andfearingateverysteptoseeMr.MurdstoneorMissMurdstoneloweringoutofoneofthem.Nofaceappeared,however;andbeingcometothehouse,andknowinghowtoopenthedoor,beforedark,withoutknocking,Iwentinwithaquiet,timidstep.Godknowshowinfantinethememorymayhavebeen,thatwasawakenedwithinmebythesoundofmymother'svoiceintheoldparlour,whenIsetfootinthehall.Shewassinginginalowtone.IthinkImusthavelaininherarms,andheardhersingingsotomewhenIwasbutababy.Thestrainwasnewtome,andyetitwassooldthatitfilledmyheartbrim-full;likeafriendcomebackfromalongabsence.Ibelieved,fromthesolitaryandthoughtfulwayinwhichmymothermurmuredhersong,thatshewasalone.AndIwentsoftlyintotheroom.Shewassittingbythefire,sucklinganinfant,whosetinyhandsheheldagainstherneck.Hereyeswerelookingdownuponitsface,andshesatsingingtoit.Iwassofarright,thatshehadnoothercompanion.
Ispoketoher,andshestarted,andcriedout.Butseeingme,shecalledmeherdearDavy,herownboy!andcominghalfacrosstheroomtomeetme,kneeleddownuponthegroundandkissedme,andlaidmyheaddownonherbosomnearthelittlecreaturethatwasnestlingthere,andputitshandtomylips.IwishIhaddied.IwishIhaddiedthen,withthatfeelinginmyheart!IshouldhavebeenmorefitforHeaventhanIeverhavebeensince.'Heisyourbrother,'saidmymother,fondlingme.'Davy,myprettyboy!Mypoorchild!'Thenshekissedmemoreandmore,andclaspedmeroundtheneck.ThisshewasdoingwhenPeggottycamerunningin,andbounceddownonthegroundbesideus,andwentmadaboutusbothforaquarterofanhour.ItseemedthatIhadnotbeenexpectedsosoon,thecarrierbeingmuchbeforehisusualtime.Itseemed,too,thatMr.andMissMurdstonehadgoneoutuponavisitintheneighbourhood,andwouldnotreturnbeforenight.Ihadneverhopedforthis.Ihadneverthoughtitpossiblethatwethreecouldbetogetherundisturbed,oncemore;andIfelt,forthetime,asiftheolddayswerecome
back.Wedinedtogetherbythefireside.Peggottywasinattendancetowaituponus,butmymotherwouldn'tletherdoit,andmadeherdinewithus.Ihadmyownoldplate,withabrownviewofaman-of-warinfullsailuponit,whichPeggottyhadhoardedsomewhereallthetimeIhadbeenaway,andwouldnothavehadbroken,shesaid,forahundredpounds.IhadmyownoldmugwithDavidonit,andmyownoldlittleknifeandforkthatwouldn'tcut.Whilewewereattable,IthoughtitafavourableoccasiontotellPeggottyaboutMr.Barkis,who,beforeIhadfinishedwhatIhadtotellher,begantolaugh,andthrowherapronoverherface.'Peggotty,'saidmymother.'What'sthematter?'Peggottyonlylaughedthemore,andheldheraprontightoverherfacewhenmymothertriedtopullitaway,andsatasifherheadwereinabag.'Whatareyoudoing,youstupidcreature?'saidmymother,laughing.
'Oh,drattheman!'criedPeggotty.'Hewantstomarryme.''Itwouldbeaverygoodmatchforyou;wouldn'tit?'saidmymother.'Oh!Idon'tknow,'saidPeggotty.'Don'taskme.Iwouldn'thavehimifhewasmadeofgold.NorIwouldn'thaveanybody.''Then,whydon'tyoutellhimso,youridiculousthing?'saidmymother.'Tellhimso,'retortedPeggotty,lookingoutofherapron.'Hehasneversaidawordtomeaboutit.Heknowsbetter.Ifhewastomakesoboldassayawordtome,Ishouldslaphisface.'HerownwasasredaseverIsawit,oranyotherface,Ithink;butsheonlycovereditagain,forafewmomentsatatime,whenshewastakenwithaviolentfitoflaughter;andaftertwoorthreeofthoseattacks,wentonwithherdinner.Iremarkedthatmymother,thoughshesmiledwhenPeggottylookedather,becamemoreseriousandthoughtful.Ihadseenatfirst
thatshewaschanged.Herfacewasveryprettystill,butitlookedcareworn,andtoodelicate;andherhandwassothinandwhitethatitseemedtometobealmosttransparent.ButthechangetowhichInowreferwassuperaddedtothis:itwasinhermanner,whichbecameanxiousandfluttered.Atlastshesaid,puttingoutherhand,andlayingitaffectionatelyonthehandofheroldservant,'Peggotty,dear,youarenotgoingtobemarried?''Me,ma'am?'returnedPeggotty,staring.'Lordblessyou,no!''Notjustyet?'saidmymother,tenderly.'Never!'criedPeggotty.Mymothertookherhand,andsaid:'Don'tleaveme,Peggotty.Staywithme.Itwillnotbeforlong,perhaps.WhatshouldIeverdowithoutyou!''Meleaveyou,myprecious!'criedPeggotty.'Notforalltheworldandhiswife.Why,what'sputthatinyoursillylittle
head?'-ForPeggottyhadbeenusedofoldtotalktomymothersometimeslikeachild.Butmymothermadenoanswer,excepttothankher,andPeggottywentrunningoninherownfashion.'Meleaveyou?IthinkIseemyself.Peggottygoawayfromyou?Ishouldliketocatchheratit!No,no,no,'saidPeggotty,shakingherhead,andfoldingherarms;'notshe,mydear.Itisn'tthatthereain'tsomeCatsthatwouldbewellenoughpleasedifshedid,buttheysha'n'tbepleased.Theyshallbeaggravated.I'llstaywithyoutillIamacrosscrankyoldwoman.AndwhenI'mtoodeaf,andtoolame,andtooblind,andtoomumblyforwantofteeth,tobeofanyuseatall,eventobefoundfaultwith,thanIshallgotomyDavy,andaskhimtotakemein.''And,Peggotty,'saysI,'Ishallbegladtoseeyou,andI'llmakeyouaswelcomeasaqueen.''Blessyourdearheart!'criedPeggotty.'Iknowyouwill!'Andshekissedmebeforehand,ingratefulacknowledgementofmyhospitality.Afterthat,shecoveredherheadupwithherapronagainandhadanotherlaughaboutMr.Barkis.Afterthat,shetook
thebabyoutofitslittlecradle,andnursedit.Afterthat,sheclearedthedinnertable;afterthat,cameinwithanothercapon,andherwork-box,andtheyard-measure,andthebitofwax-candle,alljustthesameasever.Wesatroundthefire,andtalkeddelightfully.ItoldthemwhatahardmasterMr.Creaklewas,andtheypitiedmeverymuch.ItoldthemwhatafinefellowSteerforthwas,andwhatapatronofmine,andPeggottysaidshewouldwalkascoreofmilestoseehim.Itookthelittlebabyinmyarmswhenitwasawake,andnurseditlovingly.Whenitwasasleepagain,Icreptclosetomymother'ssideaccordingtomyoldcustom,brokennowalongtime,andsatwithmyarmsembracingherwaist,andmylittleredcheekonhershoulder,andoncemorefeltherbeautifulhairdroopingoverme-likeanangel'swingasIusedtothink,Irecollect-andwasveryhappyindeed.WhileIsatthus,lookingatthefire,andseeingpicturesinthered-hotcoals,IalmostbelievedthatIhadneverbeenaway;thatMr.andMissMurdstoneweresuchpictures,andwouldvanishwhenthefiregotlow;andthattherewasnothingrealinallthatIremembered,savemymother,Peggotty,andI.
Peggottydarnedawayatastockingaslongasshecouldsee,andthensatwithitdrawnonherlefthandlikeaglove,andherneedleinherright,readytotakeanotherstitchwhenevertherewasablaze.IcannotconceivewhosestockingstheycanhavebeenthatPeggottywasalwaysdarning,orwheresuchanunfailingsupplyofstockingsinwantofdarningcanhavecomefrom.Frommyearliestinfancysheseemstohavebeenalwaysemployedinthatclassofneedlework,andneverbyanychanceinanyother.'Iwonder,'saidPeggotty,whowassometimesseizedwithafitofwonderingonsomemostunexpectedtopic,'what'sbecomeofDavy'sgreat-aunt?''Lor,Peggotty!'observedmymother,rousingherselffromareverie,'whatnonsenseyoutalk!''Well,butIreallydowonder,ma'am,'saidPeggotty.'Whatcanhaveputsuchapersoninyourhead?'inquiredmymother.'Istherenobodyelseintheworldtocomethere?''Idon'tknowhowitis,'saidPeggotty,'unlessit'sonaccountofbeingstupid,butmyheadnevercanpickandchooseitspeople.Theycomeandtheygo,andtheydon'tcomeandtheydon'tgo,just
astheylike.Iwonderwhat'sbecomeofher?''Howabsurdyouare,Peggotty!'returnedmymother.'Onewouldsupposeyouwantedasecondvisitfromher.''Lordforbid!'criedPeggotty.'Wellthen,don'ttalkaboutsuchuncomfortablethings,there'sagoodsoul,'saidmymother.'MissBetseyisshutupinhercottagebythesea,nodoubt,andwillremainthere.Atallevents,sheisnotlikelyevertotroubleusagain.''No!'musedPeggotty.'No,thatain'tlikelyatall.-Iwonder,ifshewastodie,whethershe'dleaveDavyanything?''Goodgraciousme,Peggotty,'returnedmymother,'whatanonsensicalwomanyouare!whenyouknowthatshetookoffenceatthepoordearboy'severbeingbornatall.''Isupposeshewouldn'tbeinclinedtoforgivehimnow,'hintedPeggotty.'Whyshouldshebeinclinedtoforgivehimnow?'saidmymother,
rathersharply.'Nowthathe'sgotabrother,Imean,'saidPeggotty.MYmotherimmediatelybegantocry,andwonderedhowPeggottydaredtosaysuchathing.'Asifthispoorlittleinnocentinitscradlehadeverdoneanyharmtoyouoranybodyelse,youjealousthing!'saidshe.'YouhadmuchbettergoandmarryMr.Barkis,thecarrier.Whydon'tyou?''IshouldmakeMissMurdstonehappy,ifIwasto,'saidPeggotty.'Whatabaddispositionyouhave,Peggotty!'returnedmymother.'YouareasjealousofMissMurdstoneasitispossibleforaridiculouscreaturetobe.Youwanttokeepthekeysyourself,andgiveoutallthethings,Isuppose?Ishouldn'tbesurprisedifyoudid.Whenyouknowthatsheonlydoesitoutofkindnessandthebestintentions!Youknowshedoes,Peggotty-youknowitwell.'Peggottymutteredsomethingtotheeffectof'Botherthebest
intentions!'andsomethingelsetotheeffectthattherewasalittletoomuchofthebestintentionsgoingon.'Iknowwhatyoumean,youcrossthing,'saidmymother.'Iunderstandyou,Peggotty,perfectly.YouknowIdo,andIwonderyoudon'tcolouruplikefire.Butonepointatatime.MissMurdstoneisthepointnow,Peggotty,andyousha'n'tescapefromit.Haven'tyouheardhersay,overandoveragain,thatshethinksIamtoothoughtlessandtoo-a-a-''Pretty,'suggestedPeggotty.'Well,'returnedmymother,halflaughing,'andifsheissosillyastosayso,canIbeblamedforit?''Noonesaysyoucan,'saidPeggotty.'No,Ishouldhopenot,indeed!'returnedmymother.'Haven'tyouheardhersay,overandoveragain,thatonthisaccountshewishedtosparemeagreatdealoftrouble,whichshethinksIamnotsuitedfor,andwhichIreallydon'tknowmyselfthatIAMsuitedfor;andisn'tsheupearlyandlate,andgoingtoandfrocontinually-anddoesn'tshedoallsortsofthings,andgrope
intoallsortsofplaces,coal-holesandpantriesandIdon'tknowwhere,thatcan'tbeveryagreeable-anddoyoumeantoinsinuatethatthereisnotasortofdevotioninthat?''Idon'tinsinuateatall,'saidPeggotty.'Youdo,Peggotty,'returnedmymother.'Youneverdoanythingelse,exceptyourwork.Youarealwaysinsinuating.Yourevelinit.AndwhenyoutalkofMr.Murdstone'sgoodintentions-''Inevertalkedof'em,'saidPeggotty.'No,Peggotty,'returnedmymother,'butyouinsinuated.That'swhatItoldyoujustnow.That'stheworstofyou.YouWILLinsinuate.Isaid,atthemoment,thatIunderstoodyou,andyouseeIdid.WhenyoutalkofMr.Murdstone'sgoodintentions,andpretendtoslightthem(forIdon'tbelieveyoureallydo,inyourheart,Peggotty),youmustbeaswellconvincedasIamhowgoodtheyare,andhowtheyactuatehimineverything.Ifheseemstohavebeenatallsternwithacertainperson,Peggotty-youunderstand,andsoIamsuredoesDavy,thatIamnotalludingtoanybodypresent-itissolelybecauseheissatisfiedthatitisforacertainperson'sbenefit.Henaturallylovesacertain
person,onmyaccount;andactssolelyforacertainperson'sgood.HeisbetterabletojudgeofitthanIam;forIverywellknowthatIamaweak,light,girlishcreature,andthatheisafirm,grave,seriousman.Andhetakes,'saidmymother,withthetearswhichwereengenderedinheraffectionatenature,stealingdownherface,'hetakesgreatpainswithme;andIoughttobeverythankfultohim,andverysubmissivetohimeveninmythoughts;andwhenIamnot,Peggotty,Iworryandcondemnmyself,andfeeldoubtfulofmyownheart,anddon'tknowwhattodo.'Peggottysatwithherchinonthefootofthestocking,lookingsilentlyatthefire.'There,Peggotty,'saidmymother,changinghertone,'don'tletusfalloutwithoneanother,forIcouldn'tbearit.Youaremytruefriend,Iknow,ifIhaveanyintheworld.WhenIcallyouaridiculouscreature,oravexatiousthing,oranythingofthatsort,Peggotty,Ionlymeanthatyouaremytruefriend,andalwayshavebeen,eversincethenightwhenMr.Copperfieldfirstbroughtmehomehere,andyoucameouttothegatetomeetme.'Peggottywasnotslowtorespond,andratifythetreatyoffriendshipbygivingmeoneofherbesthugs.IthinkIhadsome
glimpsesoftherealcharacterofthisconversationatthetime;butIamsure,now,thatthegoodcreatureoriginatedit,andtookherpartinit,merelythatmymothermightcomfortherselfwiththelittlecontradictorysummaryinwhichshehadindulged.Thedesignwasefficacious;forIrememberthatmymotherseemedmoreateaseduringtherestoftheevening,andthatPeggottyobservedherless.Whenwehadhadourtea,andtheasheswerethrownup,andthecandlessnuffed,IreadPeggottyachapteroutoftheCrocodileBook,inremembranceofoldtimes-shetookitoutofherpocket:Idon'tknowwhethershehadkeptitthereeversince-andthenwetalkedaboutSalemHouse,whichbroughtmeroundagaintoSteerforth,whowasmygreatsubject.Wewereveryhappy;andthatevening,asthelastofitsrace,anddestinedevermoretoclosethatvolumeofmylife,willneverpassoutofmymemory.Itwasalmostteno'clockbeforeweheardthesoundofwheels.Weallgotupthen;andmymothersaidhurriedlythat,asitwassolate,andMr.andMissMurdstoneapprovedofearlyhoursforyoungpeople,perhapsIhadbettergotobed.Ikissedher,andwentupstairswithmycandledirectly,beforetheycamein.Itappearedtomychildishfancy,asIascendedtothebedroomwhereIhadbeen
imprisoned,thattheybroughtacoldblastofairintothehousewhichblewawaytheoldfamiliarfeelinglikeafeather.Ifeltuncomfortableaboutgoingdowntobreakfastinthemorning,asIhadneverseteyesonMr.MurdstonesincethedaywhenIcommittedmymemorableoffence.However,asitmustbedone,Iwentdown,aftertwoorthreefalsestartshalf-way,andasmanyrunsbackontiptoetomyownroom,andpresentedmyselfintheparlour.Hewasstandingbeforethefirewithhisbacktoit,whileMissMurdstonemadethetea.HelookedatmesteadilyasIentered,butmadenosignofrecognitionwhatever.Iwentuptohim,afteramomentofconfusion,andsaid:'Ibegyourpardon,sir.IamverysorryforwhatIdid,andIhopeyouwillforgiveme.''Iamgladtohearyouaresorry,David,'hereplied.ThehandhegavemewasthehandIhadbitten.Icouldnotrestrainmyeyefromrestingforaninstantonaredspotuponit;butitwasnotsoredasIturned,whenImetthatsinisterexpressioninhisface.
'Howdoyoudo,ma'am?'IsaidtoMissMurdstone.'Ah,dearme!'sighedMissMurdstone,givingmethetea-caddyscoopinsteadofherfingers.'Howlongaretheholidays?''Amonth,ma'am.''Countingfromwhen?''Fromtoday,ma'am.''Oh!'saidMissMurdstone.'Thenhere'sonedayoff.'Shekeptacalendaroftheholidaysinthisway,andeverymorningcheckedadayoffinexactlythesamemanner.Shediditgloomilyuntilshecametoten,butwhenshegotintotwofiguresshebecamemorehopeful,and,asthetimeadvanced,evenjocular.ItwasonthisveryfirstdaythatIhadthemisfortunetothrowher,thoughshewasnotsubjecttosuchweaknessingeneral,intoastateofviolentconsternation.Icameintotheroomwheresheandmymotherweresitting;andthebaby(whowasonlyafewweeks
old)beingonmymother'slap,Itookitverycarefullyinmyarms.SuddenlyMissMurdstonegavesuchascreamthatIallbutdroppedit.'MydearJane!'criedmymother.'Goodheavens,Clara,doyousee?'exclaimedMissMurdstone.'Seewhat,mydearJane?'saidmymother;'where?''He'sgotit!'criedMissMurdstone.'Theboyhasgotthebaby!'Shewaslimpwithhorror;butstiffenedherselftomakeadartatme,andtakeitoutofmyarms.Then,sheturnedfaint;andwassoveryillthattheywereobligedtogivehercherrybrandy.Iwassolemnlyinterdictedbyher,onherrecovery,fromtouchingmybrotheranymoreonanypretencewhatever;andmypoormother,who,Icouldsee,wishedotherwise,meeklyconfirmedtheinterdict,bysaying:'Nodoubtyouareright,mydearJane.'Onanotheroccasion,whenwethreeweretogether,thissamedearbaby-itwastrulydeartome,forourmother'ssake-wastheinnocentoccasionofMissMurdstone'sgoingintoapassion.My
mother,whohadbeenlookingatitseyesasitlayuponherlap,said:'Davy!comehere!'andlookedatmine.IsawMissMurdstonelayherbeadsdown.'Ideclare,'saidmymother,gently,'theyareexactlyalike.Isupposetheyaremine.Ithinktheyarethecolourofmine.Buttheyarewonderfullyalike.''Whatareyoutalkingabout,Clara?'saidMissMurdstone.'MydearJane,'falteredmymother,alittleabashedbytheharshtoneofthisinquiry,'Ifindthatthebaby'seyesandDavy'sareexactlyalike.''Clara!'saidMissMurdstone,risingangrily,'youareapositivefoolsometimes.''MydearJane,'remonstratedmymother.'Apositivefool,'saidMissMurdstone.'Whoelsecouldcomparemy
brother'sbabywithyourboy?Theyarenotatallalike.Theyareexactlyunlike.Theyareutterlydissimilarinallrespects.Ihopetheywilleverremainso.Iwillnotsithere,andhearsuchcomparisonsmade.'Withthatshestalkedout,andmadethedoorbangafterher.Inshort,IwasnotafavouritewithMissMurdstone.Inshort,Iwasnotafavouritetherewithanybody,notevenwithmyself;forthosewhodidlikemecouldnotshowit,andthosewhodidnot,showeditsoplainlythatIhadasensitiveconsciousnessofalwaysappearingconstrained,boorish,anddull.IfeltthatImadethemasuncomfortableastheymademe.IfIcameintotheroomwheretheywere,andtheyweretalkingtogetherandmymotherseemedcheerful,ananxiouscloudwouldstealoverherfacefromthemomentofmyentrance.IfMr.Murdstonewereinhisbesthumour,Icheckedhim.IfMissMurdstonewereinherworst,Iintensifiedit.Ihadperceptionenoughtoknowthatmymotherwasthevictimalways;thatshewasafraidtospeaktomeortobekindtome,lestsheshouldgivethemsomeoffencebyhermannerofdoingso,andreceivealectureafterwards;thatshewasnotonlyceaselesslyafraidofherownoffending,butofmyoffending,anduneasilywatchedtheirlooksifIonlymoved.
ThereforeIresolvedtokeepmyselfasmuchoutoftheirwayasIcould;andmanyawintryhourdidIhearthechurchclockstrike,whenIwassittinginmycheerlessbedroom,wrappedinmylittlegreat-coat,poringoverabook.Intheevening,sometimes,IwentandsatwithPeggottyinthekitchen.ThereIwascomfortable,andnotafraidofbeingmyself.Butneitheroftheseresourceswasapprovedofintheparlour.Thetormentinghumourwhichwasdominanttherestoppedthemboth.Iwasstillheldtobenecessarytomypoormother'straining,and,asoneofhertrials,couldnotbesufferedtoabsentmyself.'David,'saidMr.Murdstone,onedayafterdinnerwhenIwasgoingtoleavetheroomasusual;'Iamsorrytoobservethatyouareofasullendisposition.''Assulkyasabear!'saidMissMurdstone.Istoodstill,andhungmyhead.'Now,David,'saidMr.Murdstone,'asullenobduratedispositionis,ofalltempers,theworst.'
'Andtheboy'sis,ofallsuchdispositionsthateverIhaveseen,'remarkedhissister,'themostconfirmedandstubborn.Ithink,mydearClara,evenyoumustobserveit?''Ibegyourpardon,mydearJane,'saidmymother,'butareyouquitesure-Iamcertainyou'llexcuseme,mydearJane-thatyouunderstandDavy?''Ishouldbesomewhatashamedofmyself,Clara,'returnedMissMurdstone,'ifIcouldnotunderstandtheboy,oranyboy.Idon'tprofesstobeprofound;butIdolayclaimtocommonsense.''Nodoubt,mydearJane,'returnedmymother,'yourunderstandingisveryvigorous-''Ohdear,no!Praydon'tsaythat,Clara,'interposedMissMurdstone,angrily.'ButIamsureitis,'resumedmymother;'andeverybodyknowsitis.Iprofitsomuchbyitmyself,inmanyways-atleastIoughtto-thatnoonecanbemoreconvincedofitthanmyself;andthereforeIspeakwithgreatdiffidence,mydearJane,Iassureyou.'
'We'llsayIdon'tunderstandtheboy,Clara,'returnedMissMurdstone,arrangingthelittlefettersonherwrists.'We'llagree,ifyouplease,thatIdon'tunderstandhimatall.Heismuchtoodeepforme.Butperhapsmybrother'spenetrationmayenablehimtohavesomeinsightintohischaracter.AndIbelievemybrotherwasspeakingonthesubjectwhenwe-notverydecently-interruptedhim.''Ithink,Clara,'saidMr.Murdstone,inalowgravevoice,'thattheremaybebetterandmoredispassionatejudgesofsuchaquestionthanyou.''Edward,'repliedmymother,timidly,'youareafarbetterjudgeofallquestionsthanIpretendtobe.BothyouandJaneare.Ionlysaid-''Youonlysaidsomethingweakandinconsiderate,'hereplied.'Trynottodoitagain,mydearClara,andkeepawatchuponyourself.'MYmother'slipsmoved,asifsheanswered'Yes,mydearEdward,'butshesaidnothingaloud.
'Iwassorry,David,Iremarked,'saidMr.Murdstone,turninghisheadandhiseyesstifflytowardsme,'toobservethatyouareofasullendisposition.ThisisnotacharacterthatIcansuffertodevelopitselfbeneathmyeyeswithoutaneffortatimprovement.Youmustendeavour,sir,tochangeit.Wemustendeavourtochangeitforyou.''Ibegyourpardon,sir,'Ifaltered.'IhavenevermeanttobesullensinceIcameback.''Don'ttakerefugeinalie,sir!'hereturnedsofiercely,thatIsawmymotherinvoluntarilyputouthertremblinghandasiftointerposebetweenus.'Youhavewithdrawnyourselfinyoursullennesstoyourownroom.Youhavekeptyourownroomwhenyououghttohavebeenhere.Youknownow,onceforall,thatIrequireyoutobehere,andnotthere.Further,thatIrequireyoutobringobediencehere.Youknowme,David.Iwillhaveitdone.'MissMurdstonegaveahoarsechuckle.'Iwillhavearespectful,prompt,andreadybearingtowardsmyself,'hecontinued,'andtowardsJaneMurdstone,andtowards
yourmother.Iwillnothavethisroomshunnedasifitwereinfected,atthepleasureofachild.Sitdown.'Heorderedmelikeadog,andIobeyedlikeadog.'Onethingmore,'hesaid.'Iobservethatyouhaveanattachmenttolowandcommoncompany.Youarenottoassociatewithservants.Thekitchenwillnotimproveyou,inthemanyrespectsinwhichyouneedimprovement.Ofthewomanwhoabetsyou,Isaynothing-sinceyou,Clara,'addressingmymotherinalowervoice,'fromoldassociationsandlong-establishedfancies,haveaweaknessrespectingherwhichisnotyetovercome.''Amostunaccountabledelusionitis!'criedMissMurdstone.'Ionlysay,'heresumed,addressingme,'thatIdisapproveofyourpreferringsuchcompanyasMistressPeggotty,andthatitistobeabandoned.Now,David,youunderstandme,andyouknowwhatwillbetheconsequenceifyoufailtoobeymetotheletter.'Iknewwell-betterperhapsthanhethought,asfarasmypoormotherwasconcerned-andIobeyedhimtotheletter.Iretreatedtomyownroomnomore;ItookrefugewithPeggottynomore;but
satwearilyintheparlourdayafterday,lookingforwardtonight,andbedtime.WhatirksomeconstraintIunderwent,sittinginthesameattitudehoursuponhours,afraidtomoveanarmoraleglestMissMurdstoneshouldcomplain(asshedidontheleastpretence)ofmyrestlessness,andafraidtomoveaneyelestsheshouldlightonsomelookofdislikeorscrutinythatwouldfindnewcauseforcomplaintinmine!Whatintolerabledulnesstositlisteningtothetickingoftheclock;andwatchingMissMurdstone'slittleshinysteelbeadsasshestrungthem;andwonderingwhethershewouldeverbemarried,andifso,towhatsortofunhappyman;andcountingthedivisionsinthemouldingofthechimney-piece;andwanderingaway,withmyeyes,totheceiling,amongthecurlsandcorkscrewsinthepaperonthewall!WhatwalksItookalone,downmuddylanes,inthebadwinterweather,carryingthatparlour,andMr.andMissMurdstoneinit,everywhere:amonstrousloadthatIwasobligedtobear,adaymarethattherewasnopossibilityofbreakingin,aweightthatbroodedonmywits,andbluntedthem!WhatmealsIhadinsilenceandembarrassment,alwaysfeelingthat
therewereaknifeandforktoomany,andthatmine;anappetitetoomany,andthatmine;aplateandchairtoomany,andthosemine;asomebodytoomany,andthatI!Whatevenings,whenthecandlescame,andIwasexpectedtoemploymyself,but,notdaringtoreadanentertainingbook,poredoversomehard-headed,harder-heartedtreatiseonarithmetic;whenthetablesofweightsandmeasuressetthemselvestotunes,as'RuleBritannia',or'AwaywithMelancholy';whentheywouldn'tstandstilltobelearnt,butwouldgothreadingmygrandmother'sneedlethroughmyunfortunatehead,inatoneearandoutattheother!WhatyawnsanddozesIlapsedinto,inspiteofallmycare;whatstartsIcameoutofconcealedsleepswith;whatanswersInevergot,tolittleobservationsthatIrarelymade;whatablankspaceIseemed,whicheverybodyoverlooked,andyetwasineverybody'sway;whataheavyreliefitwastohearMissMurdstonehailthefirststrokeofnineatnight,andordermetobed!Thustheholidayslaggedaway,untilthemorningcamewhenMissMurdstonesaid:'Here'sthelastdayoff!'andgavemetheclosingcupofteaofthevacation.Iwasnotsorrytogo.Ihadlapsedintoastupidstate;butIwas
recoveringalittleandlookingforwardtoSteerforth,albeitMr.Creakleloomedbehindhim.AgainMr.Barkisappearedatthegate,andagainMissMurdstoneinherwarningvoice,said:'Clara!'whenmymotherbentoverme,tobidmefarewell.Ikissedher,andmybabybrother,andwasverysorrythen;butnotsorrytogoaway,forthegulfbetweenuswasthere,andthepartingwasthere,everyday.Anditisnotsomuchtheembraceshegaveme,thatlivesinmymind,thoughitwasasferventascouldbe,aswhatfollowedtheembrace.Iwasinthecarrier'scartwhenIheardhercallingtome.Ilookedout,andshestoodatthegarden-gatealone,holdingherbabyupinherarmsformetosee.Itwascoldstillweather;andnotahairofherhead,norafoldofherdress,wasstirred,asshelookedintentlyatme,holdingupherchild.SoIlosther.SoIsawherafterwards,inmysleepatschool-asilentpresencenearmybed-lookingatmewiththesameintentface-holdingupherbabyinherarms.CHAPTER9
IHAVEAMEMORABLEBIRTHDAYIPASSoverallthathappenedatschool,untiltheanniversaryofmybirthdaycameroundinMarch.ExceptthatSteerforthwasmoretobeadmiredthanever,Iremembernothing.Hewasgoingawayattheendofthehalf-year,ifnotsooner,andwasmorespiritedandindependentthanbeforeinmyeyes,andthereforemoreengagingthanbefore;butbeyondthisIremembernothing.Thegreatremembrancebywhichthattimeismarkedinmymind,seemstohaveswallowedupalllesserrecollections,andtoexistalone.ItisevendifficultformetobelievethattherewasagapoffulltwomonthsbetweenmyreturntoSalemHouseandthearrivalofthatbirthday.Icanonlyunderstandthatthefactwasso,becauseIknowitmusthavebeenso;otherwiseIshouldfeelconvincedthattherewasnointerval,andthattheoneoccasiontrodupontheother'sheels.HowwellIrecollectthekindofdayitwas!Ismellthefogthathungabouttheplace;Iseethehoarfrost,ghostly,throughit;Ifeelmyrimyhairfallclammyonmycheek;Ilookalongthedimperspectiveoftheschoolroom,withasputteringcandlehereand
theretolightupthefoggymorning,andthebreathoftheboyswreathingandsmokingintherawcoldastheyblowupontheirfingers,andtaptheirfeetuponthefloor.Itwasafterbreakfast,andwehadbeensummonedinfromtheplayground,whenMr.Sharpenteredandsaid:'DavidCopperfieldistogointotheparlour.'IexpectedahamperfromPeggotty,andbrightenedattheorder.Someoftheboysaboutmeputintheirclaimnottobeforgotteninthedistributionofthegoodthings,asIgotoutofmyseatwithgreatalacrity.'Don'thurry,David,'saidMr.Sharp.'There'stimeenough,myboy,don'thurry.'Imighthavebeensurprisedbythefeelingtoneinwhichhespoke,ifIhadgivenitathought;butIgaveitnoneuntilafterwards.Ihurriedawaytotheparlour;andthereIfoundMr.Creakle,sittingathisbreakfastwiththecaneandanewspaperbeforehim,andMrs.Creaklewithanopenedletterinherhand.Butnohamper.'DavidCopperfield,'saidMrs.Creakle,leadingmetoasofa,and
sittingdownbesideme.'Iwanttospeaktoyouveryparticularly.Ihavesomethingtotellyou,mychild.'Mr.Creakle,atwhomofcourseIlooked,shookhisheadwithoutlookingatme,andstoppedupasighwithaverylargepieceofbutteredtoast.'Youaretooyoungtoknowhowtheworldchangeseveryday,'saidMrs.Creakle,'andhowthepeopleinitpassaway.Butweallhavetolearnit,David;someofuswhenweareyoung,someofuswhenweareold,someofusatalltimesofourlives.'Ilookedatherearnestly.'Whenyoucameawayfromhomeattheendofthevacation,'saidMrs.Creakle,afterapause,'weretheyallwell?'Afteranotherpause,'Wasyourmamawell?'Itrembledwithoutdistinctlyknowingwhy,andstilllookedatherearnestly,makingnoattempttoanswer.'Because,'saidshe,'IgrievetotellyouthatIhearthismorningyourmamaisveryill.'
AmistrosebetweenMrs.Creakleandme,andherfigureseemedtomoveinitforaninstant.ThenIfelttheburningtearsrundownmyface,anditwassteadyagain.'Sheisverydangerouslyill,'sheadded.Iknewallnow.'Sheisdead.'Therewasnoneedtotellmeso.Ihadalreadybrokenoutintoadesolatecry,andfeltanorphaninthewideworld.Shewasverykindtome.Shekeptmethereallday,andleftmealonesometimes;andIcried,andworemyselftosleep,andawokeandcriedagain.WhenIcouldcrynomore,Ibegantothink;andthentheoppressiononmybreastwasheaviest,andmygriefadullpainthattherewasnoeasefor.Andyetmythoughtswereidle;notintentonthecalamitythatweigheduponmyheart,butidlyloiteringnearit.Ithoughtofourhouseshutupandhushed.Ithoughtofthelittlebaby,who,
Mrs.Creaklesaid,hadbeenpiningawayforsometime,andwho,theybelieved,woulddietoo.Ithoughtofmyfather'sgraveinthechurchyard,byourhouse,andofmymotherlyingtherebeneaththetreeIknewsowell.IstooduponachairwhenIwasleftalone,andlookedintotheglasstoseehowredmyeyeswere,andhowsorrowfulmyface.Iconsidered,aftersomehoursweregone,ifmytearswerereallyhardtoflownow,astheyseemedtobe,what,inconnexionwithmyloss,itwouldaffectmemosttothinkofwhenIdrewnearhome-forIwasgoinghometothefuneral.Iamsensibleofhavingfeltthatadignityattachedtomeamongtherestoftheboys,andthatIwasimportantinmyaffliction.Ifeverchildwerestrickenwithsinceregrief,Iwas.ButIrememberthatthisimportancewasakindofsatisfactiontome,whenIwalkedintheplaygroundthatafternoonwhiletheboyswereinschool.WhenIsawthemglancingatmeoutofthewindows,astheywentuptotheirclasses,Ifeltdistinguished,andlookedmoremelancholy,andwalkedslower.Whenschoolwasover,andtheycameoutandspoketome,Ifeltitrathergoodinmyselfnottobeproudtoanyofthem,andtotakeexactlythesamenoticeofthemall,asbefore.Iwastogohomenextnight;notbythemail,butbytheheavy
night-coach,whichwascalledtheFarmer,andwasprincipallyusedbycountry-peopletravellingshortintermediatedistancesupontheroad.Wehadnostory-tellingthatevening,andTraddlesinsistedonlendingmehispillow.Idon'tknowwhatgoodhethoughtitwoulddome,forIhadoneofmyown:butitwasallhehadtolend,poorfellow,exceptasheetofletter-paperfullofskeletons;andthathegavemeatparting,asasootherofmysorrowsandacontributiontomypeaceofmind.IleftSalemHouseuponthemorrowafternoon.IlittlethoughtthenthatIleftit,nevertoreturn.Wetravelledveryslowlyallnight,anddidnotgetintoYarmouthbeforenineorteno'clockinthemorning.IlookedoutforMr.Barkis,buthewasnotthere;andinsteadofhimafat,short-winded,merry-looking,littleoldmaninblack,withrustylittlebunchesofribbonsatthekneesofhisbreeches,blackstockings,andabroad-brimmedhat,camepuffinguptothecoachwindow,andsaid:'MasterCopperfield?''Yes,sir.''Willyoucomewithme,youngsir,ifyouplease,'hesaid,opening
thedoor,'andIshallhavethepleasureoftakingyouhome.'Iputmyhandinhis,wonderingwhohewas,andwewalkedawaytoashopinanarrowstreet,onwhichwaswrittenOMER,DRAPER,TAILOR,HABERDASHER,FUNERALFURNISHER,&c.Itwasacloseandstiflinglittleshop;fullofallsortsofclothing,madeandunmade,includingonewindowfullofbeaver-hatsandbonnets.Wewentintoalittleback-parlourbehindtheshop,wherewefoundthreeyoungwomenatworkonaquantityofblackmaterials,whichwereheapeduponthetable,andlittlebitsandcuttingsofwhichwerelitteredalloverthefloor.Therewasagoodfireintheroom,andabreathlesssmellofwarmblackcrape-Ididnotknowwhatthesmellwasthen,butIknownow.Thethreeyoungwomen,whoappearedtobeveryindustriousandcomfortable,raisedtheirheadstolookatme,andthenwentonwiththeirwork.Stitch,stitch,stitch.Atthesametimetherecamefromaworkshopacrossalittleyardoutsidethewindow,aregularsoundofhammeringthatkeptakindoftune:RAT-tat-tat,RAT-tat-tat,RAT-tat-tat,withoutanyvariation.'Well,'saidmyconductortooneofthethreeyoungwomen.'Howdoyougeton,Minnie?'
'Weshallbereadybythetrying-ontime,'sherepliedgaily,withoutlookingup.'Don'tyoubeafraid,father.'Mr.Omertookoffhisbroad-brimmedhat,andsatdownandpanted.Hewassofatthathewasobligedtopantsometimebeforehecouldsay:'That'sright.''Father!'saidMinnie,playfully.'Whataporpoiseyoudogrow!''Well,Idon'tknowhowitis,mydear,'hereplied,consideringaboutit.'Iamratherso.''Youaresuchacomfortableman,yousee,'saidMinnie.'Youtakethingssoeasy.''Nousetaking'emotherwise,mydear,'saidMr.Omer.'No,indeed,'returnedhisdaughter.'Weareallprettygayhere,thankHeaven!Ain'twe,father?'
'Ihopeso,mydear,'saidMr.Omer.'AsIhavegotmybreathnow,IthinkI'llmeasurethisyoungscholar.Wouldyouwalkintotheshop,MasterCopperfield?'IprecededMr.Omer,incompliancewithhisrequest;andaftershowingmearollofclothwhichhesaidwasextrasuper,andtoogoodmourningforanythingshortofparents,hetookmyvariousdimensions,andputthemdowninabook.Whilehewasrecordingthemhecalledmyattentiontohisstockintrade,andtocertainfashionswhichhesaidhad'justcomeup',andtocertainotherfashionswhichhesaidhad'justgoneout'.'Andbythatsortofthingweveryoftenlosealittlemintofmoney,'saidMr.Omer.'Butfashionsarelikehumanbeings.Theycomein,nobodyknowswhen,why,orhow;andtheygoout,nobodyknowswhen,why,orhow.Everythingislikelife,inmyopinion,ifyoulookatitinthatpointofview.'Iwastoosorrowfultodiscussthequestion,whichwouldpossiblyhavebeenbeyondmeunderanycircumstances;andMr.Omertookmebackintotheparlour,breathingwithsomedifficultyontheway.Hethencalleddownalittlebreak-neckrangeofstepsbehinda
door:'Bringupthatteaandbread-and-butter!'which,aftersometime,duringwhichIsatlookingaboutmeandthinking,andlisteningtothestitchingintheroomandthetunethatwasbeinghammeredacrosstheyard,appearedonatray,andturnedouttobeforme.'Ihavebeenacquaintedwithyou,'saidMr.Omer,afterwatchingmeforsomeminutes,duringwhichIhadnotmademuchimpressiononthebreakfast,fortheblackthingsdestroyedmyappetite,'Ihavebeenacquaintedwithyoualongtime,myyoungfriend.''Haveyou,sir?''Allyourlife,'saidMr.Omer.'Imaysaybeforeit.Iknewyourfatherbeforeyou.Hewasfivefootnineandahalf,andhelaysinfive-and-twen-tyfootofground.''RAT-tat-tat,RAT-tat-tat,RAT-tat-tat,'acrosstheyard.'Helaysinfiveandtwen-tyfootofground,ifhelaysinafraction,'saidMr.Omer,pleasantly.'Itwaseitherhisrequestorherdirection,Iforgetwhich.'
'Doyouknowhowmylittlebrotheris,sir?'Iinquired.Mr.Omershookhishead.'RAT-tat-tat,RAT-tat-tat,RAT-tat-tat.''Heisinhismother'sarms,'saidhe.'Oh,poorlittlefellow!Ishedead?''Don'tminditmorethanyoucanhelp,'saidMr.Omer.'Yes.Thebaby'sdead.'Mywoundsbrokeoutafreshatthisintelligence.Ileftthescarcely-tastedbreakfast,andwentandrestedmyheadonanothertable,inacornerofthelittleroom,whichMinniehastilycleared,lestIshouldspotthemourningthatwaslyingtherewithmytears.Shewasapretty,good-naturedgirl,andputmyhairawayfrommyeyeswithasoft,kindtouch;butshewasverycheerfulathavingnearlyfinishedherworkandbeingingoodtime,andwassodifferentfromme!Presentlythetuneleftoff,andagood-lookingyoungfellowcame
acrosstheyardintotheroom.Hehadahammerinhishand,andhismouthwasfulloflittlenails,whichhewasobligedtotakeoutbeforehecouldspeak.'Well,Joram!'saidMr.Omer.'Howdoyougeton?''Allright,'saidJoram.'Done,sir.'Minniecolouredalittle,andtheothertwogirlssmiledatoneanother.'What!youwereatitbycandle-lightlastnight,whenIwasattheclub,then?Wereyou?'saidMr.Omer,shuttinguponeeye.'Yes,'saidJoram.'Asyousaidwecouldmakealittletripofit,andgoovertogether,ifitwasdone,Minnieandme-andyou.''Oh!Ithoughtyouweregoingtoleavemeoutaltogether,'saidMr.Omer,laughingtillhecoughed.'-Asyouwassogoodastosaythat,'resumedtheyoungman,'whyIturnedtowithawill,yousee.Willyougivemeyouropinionofit?'
'Iwill,'saidMr.Omer,rising.'Mydear';andhestoppedandturnedtome:'wouldyouliketoseeyour-''No,father,'Minnieinterposed.'Ithoughtitmightbeagreeable,mydear,'saidMr.Omer.'Butperhapsyou'reright.'Ican'tsayhowIknewitwasmydear,dearmother'scoffinthattheywenttolookat.Ihadneverheardonemaking;IhadneverseenonethatIknowof.-butitcameintomymindwhatthenoisewas,whileitwasgoingon;andwhentheyoungmanentered,IamsureIknewwhathehadbeendoing.Theworkbeingnowfinished,thetwogirls,whosenamesIhadnotheard,brushedtheshredsandthreadsfromtheirdresses,andwentintotheshoptoputthattorights,andwaitforcustomers.Minniestayedbehindtofoldupwhattheyhadmade,andpackitintwobaskets.Thisshediduponherknees,hummingalivelylittletunethewhile.Joram,whoIhadnodoubtwasherlover,cameinandstoleakissfromherwhileshewasbusy(hedidn'tappeartomindme,atall),andsaidherfatherwasgoneforthechaise,and
hemustmakehasteandgethimselfready.Thenhewentoutagain;andthensheputherthimbleandscissorsinherpocket,andstuckaneedlethreadedwithblackthreadneatlyinthebosomofhergown,andputonherouterclothingsmartly,atalittleglassbehindthedoor,inwhichIsawthereflectionofherpleasedface.AllthisIobserved,sittingatthetableinthecornerwithmyheadleaningonmyhand,andmythoughtsrunningonverydifferentthings.Thechaisesooncameroundtothefrontoftheshop,andthebasketsbeingputinfirst,Iwasputinnext,andthosethreefollowed.Irememberitasakindofhalfchaise-cart,halfpianoforte-van,paintedofasombrecolour,anddrawnbyablackhorsewithalongtail.Therewasplentyofroomforusall.IdonotthinkIhaveeverexperiencedsostrangeafeelinginmylife(Iamwisernow,perhaps)asthatofbeingwiththem,rememberinghowtheyhadbeenemployed,andseeingthemenjoytheride.Iwasnotangrywiththem;Iwasmoreafraidofthem,asifIwerecastawayamongcreatureswithwhomIhadnocommunityofnature.Theywereverycheerful.Theoldmansatinfronttodrive,andthetwoyoungpeoplesatbehindhim,andwheneverhespoketothemleanedforward,theoneononesideofhischubbyfaceandtheotherontheother,andmadeagreatdealofhim.
Theywouldhavetalkedtometoo,butIheldback,andmopedinmycorner;scaredbytheirlove-makingandhilarity,thoughitwasfarfromboisterous,andalmostwonderingthatnojudgementcameuponthemfortheirhardnessofheart.So,whentheystoppedtobaitthehorse,andateanddrankandenjoyedthemselves,Icouldtouchnothingthattheytouched,butkeptmyfastunbroken.So,whenwereachedhome,Idroppedoutofthechaisebehind,asquicklyaspossible,thatImightnotbeintheircompanybeforethosesolemnwindows,lookingblindlyonmelikeclosedeyesoncebright.Andoh,howlittleneedIhadhadtothinkwhatwouldmovemetotearswhenIcameback-seeingthewindowofmymother'sroom,andnextitthatwhich,inthebettertime,wasmine!IwasinPeggotty'sarmsbeforeIgottothedoor,andshetookmeintothehouse.Hergriefburstoutwhenshefirstsawme;butshecontrolleditsoon,andspokeinwhispers,andwalkedsoftly,asifthedeadcouldbedisturbed.Shehadnotbeeninbed,Ifound,foralongtime.Shesatupatnightstill,andwatched.Aslongasherpoordearprettywasabovetheground,shesaid,shewouldneverdeserther.
Mr.MurdstonetooknoheedofmewhenIwentintotheparlourwherehewas,butsatbythefireside,weepingsilently,andponderinginhiselbow-chair.MissMurdstone,whowasbusyatherwriting-desk,whichwascoveredwithlettersandpapers,gavemehercoldfinger-nails,andaskedme,inanironwhisper,ifIhadbeenmeasuredformymourning.Isaid:'Yes.''Andyourshirts,'saidMissMurdstone;'haveyoubrought'emhome?''Yes,ma'am.Ihavebroughthomeallmyclothes.'Thiswasalltheconsolationthatherfirmnessadministeredtome.Idonotdoubtthatshehadachoicepleasureinexhibitingwhatshecalledherself-command,andherfirmness,andherstrengthofmind,andhercommonsense,andthewholediabolicalcatalogueofherunamiablequalities,onsuchanoccasion.Shewasparticularlyproudofherturnforbusiness;andsheshoweditnowinreducingeverythingtopenandink,andbeingmovedbynothing.Alltherestofthatday,andfrommorningtonightafterwards,shesatatthatdesk,scratchingcomposedlywithahardpen,speakinginthe
sameimperturbablewhispertoeverybody;neverrelaxingamuscleofherface,orsofteningatoneofhervoice,orappearingwithanatomofherdressastray.Herbrothertookabooksometimes,butneverreaditthatIsaw.Hewouldopenitandlookatitasifhewerereading,butwouldremainforawholehourwithoutturningtheleaf,andthenputitdownandwalktoandfrointheroom.Iusedtositwithfoldedhandswatchinghim,andcountinghisfootsteps,hourafterhour.Heveryseldomspoketoher,andnevertome.Heseemedtobetheonlyrestlessthing,excepttheclocks,inthewholemotionlesshouse.Inthesedaysbeforethefuneral,IsawbutlittleofPeggotty,exceptthat,inpassingupordownstairs,Ialwaysfoundherclosetotheroomwheremymotherandherbabylay,andexceptthatshecametomeeverynight,andsatbymybed'sheadwhileIwenttosleep.Adayortwobeforetheburial-Ithinkitwasadayortwobefore,butIamconsciousofconfusioninmymindaboutthatheavytime,withnothingtomarkitsprogress-shetookmeintotheroom.Ionlyrecollectthatunderneathsomewhitecoveringonthebed,withabeautifulcleanlinessandfreshnessallaroundit,thereseemedtometolieembodiedthesolemnstillnessthatwasin
thehouse;andthatwhenshewouldhaveturnedthecovergentlyback,Icried:'Ohno!ohno!'andheldherhand.Ifthefuneralhadbeenyesterday,Icouldnotrecollectitbetter.Theveryairofthebestparlour,whenIwentinatthedoor,thebrightconditionofthefire,theshiningofthewineinthedecanters,thepatternsoftheglassesandplates,thefaintsweetsmellofcake,theodourofMissMurdstone'sdress,andourblackclothes.Mr.Chillipisintheroom,andcomestospeaktome.'AndhowisMasterDavid?'hesays,kindly.Icannottellhimverywell.Igivehimmyhand,whichheholdsinhis.'Dearme!'saysMr.Chillip,meeklysmiling,withsomethingshininginhiseye.'Ourlittlefriendsgrowuparoundus.Theygrowoutofourknowledge,ma'am?'ThisistoMissMurdstone,whomakesnoreply.'Thereisagreatimprovementhere,ma'am?'saysMr.Chillip.MissMurdstonemerelyanswerswithafrownandaformalbend:Mr.
Chillip,discomfited,goesintoacorner,keepingmewithhim,andopenshismouthnomore.Iremarkthis,becauseIremarkeverythingthathappens,notbecauseIcareaboutmyself,orhavedonesinceIcamehome.Andnowthebellbeginstosound,andMr.Omerandanothercometomakeusready.AsPeggottywaswonttotellme,longago,thefollowersofmyfathertothesamegraveweremadereadyinthesameroom.ThereareMr.Murdstone,ourneighbourMr.Grayper,Mr.Chillip,andI.Whenwegoouttothedoor,theBearersandtheirloadareinthegarden;andtheymovebeforeusdownthepath,andpasttheelms,andthroughthegate,andintothechurchyard,whereIhavesooftenheardthebirdssingonasummermorning.Westandaroundthegrave.Thedayseemsdifferenttomefromeveryotherday,andthelightnotofthesamecolour-ofasaddercolour.Nowthereisasolemnhush,whichwehavebroughtfromhomewithwhatisrestinginthemould;andwhilewestandbareheaded,Ihearthevoiceoftheclergyman,soundingremoteintheopenair,andyetdistinctandplain,saying:'IamtheResurrectionandtheLife,saiththeLord!'ThenIhearsobs;and,standingapartamongthelookers-on,Iseethatgoodandfaithful
servant,whomofallthepeopleuponearthIlovethebest,anduntowhommychildishheartiscertainthattheLordwillonedaysay:'Welldone.'TherearemanyfacesthatIknow,amongthelittlecrowd;facesthatIknewinchurch,whenminewasalwayswonderingthere;facesthatfirstsawmymother,whenshecametothevillageinheryouthfulbloom.Idonotmindthem-Imindnothingbutmygrief-andyetIseeandknowthemall;andeveninthebackground,faraway,seeMinnielookingon,andhereyeglancingonhersweetheart,whoisnearme.Itisover,andtheearthisfilledin,andweturntocomeaway.Beforeusstandsourhouse,soprettyandunchanged,solinkedinmymindwiththeyoungideaofwhatisgone,thatallmysorrowhasbeennothingtothesorrowitcallsforth.Buttheytakemeon;andMr.Chilliptalkstome;andwhenwegethome,putssomewatertomylips;andwhenIaskhisleavetogouptomyroom,dismissesmewiththegentlenessofawoman.Allthis,Isay,isyesterday'sevent.Eventsoflaterdatehavefloatedfrommetotheshorewhereallforgottenthingswillreappear,butthisstandslikeahighrockintheocean.
IknewthatPeggottywouldcometomeinmyroom.TheSabbathstillnessofthetime(thedaywassolikeSunday!Ihaveforgottenthat)wassuitedtousboth.Shesatdownbymysideuponmylittlebed;andholdingmyhand,andsometimesputtingittoherlips,andsometimessmoothingitwithhers,asshemighthavecomfortedmylittlebrother,toldme,inherway,allthatshehadtotellconcerningwhathadhappened.'Shewasneverwell,'saidPeggotty,'foralongtime.Shewasuncertaininhermind,andnothappy.Whenherbabywasborn,Ithoughtatfirstshewouldgetbetter,butshewasmoredelicate,andsunkalittleeveryday.Sheusedtoliketositalonebeforeherbabycame,andthenshecried;butafterwardssheusedtosingtoit-sosoft,thatIoncethought,whenIheardher,itwaslikeavoiceupintheair,thatwasrisingaway.'Ithinkshegottobemoretimid,andmorefrightened-like,oflate;andthatahardwordwaslikeablowtoher.Butshewasalwaysthesametome.SheneverchangedtoherfoolishPeggotty,didn'tmysweetgirl.'HerePeggottystopped,andsoftlybeatuponmyhandalittlewhile.
'ThelasttimethatIsawherlikeherownoldself,wasthenightwhenyoucamehome,mydear.Thedayyouwentaway,shesaidtome,"Inevershallseemyprettydarlingagain.Somethingtellsmeso,thattellsthetruth,Iknow."'Shetriedtoholdupafterthat;andmanyatime,whentheytoldhershewasthoughtlessandlight-hearted,madebelievetobeso;butitwasallabygonethen.Shenevertoldherhusbandwhatshehadtoldme-shewasafraidofsayingittoanybodyelse-tillonenight,alittlemorethanaweekbeforeithappened,whenshesaidtohim:"Mydear,IthinkIamdying."'"It'soffmymindnow,Peggotty,"shetoldme,whenIlaidherinherbedthatnight."Hewillbelieveitmoreandmore,poorfellow,everydayforafewdaystocome;andthenitwillbepast.Iamverytired.Ifthisissleep,sitbymewhileIsleep:don'tleaveme.Godblessbothmychildren!Godprotectandkeepmyfatherlessboy!"'Ineverleftherafterwards,'saidPeggotty.'Sheoftentalkedtothemtwodownstairs-forshelovedthem;shecouldn'tbearnottoloveanyonewhowasabouther-butwhentheywentawayfromher
bed-side,shealwaysturnedtome,asiftherewasrestwherePeggottywas,andneverfellasleepinanyotherway.'Onthelastnight,intheevening,shekissedme,andsaid:"Ifmybabyshoulddietoo,Peggotty,pleaseletthemlayhiminmyarms,andburyustogether."(Itwasdone;forthepoorlamblivedbutadaybeyondher.)"Letmydearestboygowithustoourresting-place,"shesaid,"andtellhimthathismother,whenshelayhere,blessedhimnotonce,butathousandtimes."'Anothersilencefollowedthis,andanothergentlebeatingonmyhand.'Itwasprettyfarinthenight,'saidPeggotty,'whensheaskedmeforsomedrink;andwhenshehadtakenit,gavemesuchapatientsmile,thedear!-sobeautiful!'Daybreakhadcome,andthesunwasrising,whenshesaidtome,howkindandconsiderateMr.Copperfieldhadalwaysbeentoher,andhowhehadbornewithher,andtoldher,whenshedoubtedherself,thatalovingheartwasbetterandstrongerthanwisdom,andthathewasahappymaninhers."Peggotty,mydear,"shesaidthen,"putmenearertoyou,"forshewasveryweak."Layyour
goodarmunderneathmyneck,"shesaid,"andturnmetoyou,foryourfaceisgoingfaroff,andIwantittobenear."Iputitassheasked;andohDavy!thetimehadcomewhenmyfirstpartingwordstoyouweretrue-whenshewasgladtolayherpoorheadonherstupidcrossoldPeggotty'sarm-andshediedlikeachildthathadgonetosleep!'ThusendedPeggotty'snarration.Fromthemomentofmyknowingofthedeathofmymother,theideaofherasshehadbeenoflatehadvanishedfromme.Irememberedher,fromthatinstant,onlyastheyoungmotherofmyearliestimpressions,whohadbeenusedtowindherbrightcurlsroundandroundherfinger,andtodancewithmeattwilightintheparlour.WhatPeggottyhadtoldmenow,wassofarfrombringingmebacktothelaterperiod,thatitrootedtheearlierimageinmymind.Itmaybecurious,butitistrue.Inherdeathshewingedherwaybacktohercalmuntroubledyouth,andcancelledalltherest.Themotherwholayinthegrave,wasthemotherofmyinfancy;thelittlecreatureinherarms,wasmyself,asIhadoncebeen,hushedforeveronherbosom.
CHAPTER10IBECOMENEGLECTED,ANDAMPROVIDEDFORThefirstactofbusinessMissMurdstoneperformedwhenthedayofthesolemnitywasover,andlightwasfreelyadmittedintothehouse,wastogivePeggottyamonth'swarning.MuchasPeggottywouldhavedislikedsuchaservice,Ibelieveshewouldhaveretainedit,formysake,inpreferencetothebestuponearth.Shetoldmewemustpart,andtoldmewhy;andwecondoledwithoneanother,inallsincerity.Astomeormyfuture,notawordwassaid,orasteptaken.Happytheywouldhavebeen,Idaresay,iftheycouldhavedismissedmeatamonth'swarningtoo.Imusteredcourageonce,toaskMissMurdstonewhenIwasgoingbacktoschool;andsheanswereddryly,shebelievedIwasnotgoingbackatall.Iwastoldnothingmore.Iwasveryanxioustoknowwhatwasgoingtobedonewithme,andsowasPeggotty;butneithershenorIcouldpickupanyinformationonthesubject.Therewasonechangeinmycondition,which,whileitrelievedme
ofagreatdealofpresentuneasiness,mighthavemademe,ifIhadbeencapableofconsideringitclosely,yetmoreuncomfortableaboutthefuture.Itwasthis.Theconstraintthathadbeenputuponme,wasquiteabandoned.Iwassofarfrombeingrequiredtokeepmydullpostintheparlour,thatonseveraloccasions,whenItookmyseatthere,MissMurdstonefrownedtometogoaway.IwassofarfrombeingwarnedofffromPeggotty'ssociety,that,providedIwasnotinMr.Murdstone's,Iwasneversoughtoutorinquiredfor.AtfirstIwasindailydreadofhistakingmyeducationinhandagain,orofMissMurdstone'sdevotingherselftoit;butIsoonbegantothinkthatsuchfearsweregroundless,andthatallIhadtoanticipatewasneglect.Idonotconceivethatthisdiscoverygavememuchpainthen.Iwasstillgiddywiththeshockofmymother'sdeath,andinakindofstunnedstateastoalltributarythings.Icanrecollect,indeed,tohavespeculated,atoddtimes,onthepossibilityofmynotbeingtaughtanymore,orcaredforanymore;andgrowinguptobeashabby,moodyman,lounginganidlelifeaway,aboutthevillage;aswellasonthefeasibilityofmygettingridofthispicturebygoingawaysomewhere,liketheheroinastory,toseekmyfortune:buttheseweretransientvisions,daydreamsIsatlookingatsometimes,asiftheywerefaintlypaintedorwrittenon
thewallofmyroom,andwhich,astheymeltedaway,leftthewallblankagain.'Peggotty,'Isaidinathoughtfulwhisper,oneevening,whenIwaswarmingmyhandsatthekitchenfire,'Mr.Murdstonelikesmelessthanheusedto.Heneverlikedmemuch,Peggotty;buthewouldrathernotevenseemenow,ifhecanhelpit.''Perhapsit'shissorrow,'saidPeggotty,strokingmyhair.'Iamsure,Peggotty,Iamsorrytoo.IfIbelieveditwashissorrow,Ishouldnotthinkofitatall.Butit'snotthat;oh,no,it'snotthat.''Howdoyouknowit'snotthat?'saidPeggotty,afterasilence.'Oh,hissorrowisanotherandquiteadifferentthing.Heissorryatthismoment,sittingbythefiresidewithMissMurdstone;butifIwastogoin,Peggotty,hewouldbesomethingbesides.''Whatwouldhebe?'saidPeggotty.'Angry,'Ianswered,withaninvoluntaryimitationofhisdark
frown.'Ifhewasonlysorry,hewouldn'tlookatmeashedoes.Iamonlysorry,anditmakesmefeelkinder.'Peggottysaidnothingforalittlewhile;andIwarmedmyhands,assilentasshe.'Davy,'shesaidatlength.'Yes,Peggotty?''Ihavetried,mydear,allwaysIcouldthinkof-allthewaysthereare,andallthewaysthereain't,inshort-togetasuitableservicehere,inBlunderstone;butthere'snosuchathing,mylove.''Andwhatdoyoumeantodo,Peggotty,'saysI,wistfully.'Doyoumeantogoandseekyourfortune?''IexpectIshallbeforcedtogotoYarmouth,'repliedPeggotty,'andlivethere.''Youmighthavegonefartheroff,'Isaid,brighteningalittle,'andbeenasbadaslost.Ishallseeyousometimes,mydearoldPeggotty,there.Youwon'tbequiteattheotherendoftheworld,
willyou?''Contraryways,pleaseGod!'criedPeggotty,withgreatanimation.'Aslongasyouarehere,mypet,Ishallcomeovereveryweekofmylifetoseeyou.Oneday,everyweekofmylife!'Ifeltagreatweighttakenoffmymindbythispromise:buteventhiswasnotall,forPeggottywentontosay:'I'ma-going,Davy,yousee,tomybrother's,first,foranotherfortnight'svisit-justtillIhavehadtimetolookaboutme,andgettobesomethinglikemyselfagain.Now,Ihavebeenthinkingthatperhaps,astheydon'twantyouhereatpresent,youmightbelettogoalongwithme.'Ifanything,shortofbeinginadifferentrelationtoeveryoneaboutme,Peggottyexcepted,couldhavegivenmeasenseofpleasureatthattime,itwouldhavebeenthisprojectofallothers.Theideaofbeingagainsurroundedbythosehonestfaces,shiningwelcomeonme;ofrenewingthepeacefulnessofthesweetSundaymorning,whenthebellswereringing,thestonesdroppinginthewater,andtheshadowyshipsbreakingthroughthemist;ofroamingupanddownwithlittleEm'ly,tellinghermytroubles,and
findingcharmsagainstthemintheshellsandpebblesonthebeach;madeacalminmyheart.Itwasrufflednextmoment,tobesure,byadoubtofMissMurdstone'sgivingherconsent;buteventhatwassetatrestsoon,forshecameouttotakeaneveninggropeinthestore-closetwhilewewereyetinconversation,andPeggotty,withaboldnessthatamazedme,broachedthetopiconthespot.'Theboywillbeidlethere,'saidMissMurdstone,lookingintoapickle-jar,'andidlenessistherootofallevil.But,tobesure,hewouldbeidlehere-oranywhere,inmyopinion.'Peggottyhadanangryanswerready,Icouldsee;butsheswalloweditformysake,andremainedsilent.'Humph!'saidMissMurdstone,stillkeepinghereyeonthepickles;'itisofmoreimportancethananythingelse-itisofparamountimportance-thatmybrothershouldnotbedisturbedormadeuncomfortable.IsupposeIhadbettersayyes.'Ithankedher,withoutmakinganydemonstrationofjoy,lestitshouldinducehertowithdrawherassent.NorcouldIhelpthinkingthisaprudentcourse,sinceshelookedatmeoutofthepickle-jar,withasgreatanaccessofsournessasifherblack
eyeshadabsorbeditscontents.However,thepermissionwasgiven,andwasneverretracted;forwhenthemonthwasout,PeggottyandIwerereadytodepart.Mr.BarkiscameintothehouseforPeggotty'sboxes.Ihadneverknownhimtopassthegarden-gatebefore,butonthisoccasionhecameintothehouse.Andhegavemealookasheshoulderedthelargestboxandwentout,whichIthoughthadmeaninginit,ifmeaningcouldeverbesaidtofinditswayintoMr.Barkis'svisage.Peggottywasnaturallyinlowspiritsatleavingwhathadbeenherhomesomanyyears,andwherethetwostrongattachmentsofherlife-formymotherandmyself-hadbeenformed.Shehadbeenwalkinginthechurchyard,too,veryearly;andshegotintothecart,andsatinitwithherhandkerchiefathereyes.Solongassheremainedinthiscondition,Mr.Barkisgavenosignoflifewhatever.Hesatinhisusualplaceandattitudelikeagreatstuffedfigure.Butwhenshebegantolookabouther,andtospeaktome,henoddedhisheadandgrinnedseveraltimes.Ihavenottheleastnotionatwhom,orwhathemeantbyit.
'It'sabeautifulday,Mr.Barkis!'Isaid,asanactofpoliteness.'Itain'tbad,'saidMr.Barkis,whogenerallyqualifiedhisspeech,andrarelycommittedhimself.'Peggottyisquitecomfortablenow,Mr.Barkis,'Iremarked,forhissatisfaction.'Isshe,though?'saidMr.Barkis.Afterreflectingaboutit,withasagaciousair,Mr.Barkiseyedher,andsaid:'AREyouprettycomfortable?'Peggottylaughed,andansweredintheaffirmative.'Butreallyandtruly,youknow.Areyou?'growledMr.Barkis,slidingnearertoherontheseat,andnudgingherwithhiselbow.'Areyou?Reallyandtrulyprettycomfortable?Areyou?Eh?'AteachoftheseinquiriesMr.Barkisshufflednearertoher,and
gaveheranothernudge;sothatatlastwewereallcrowdedtogetherintheleft-handcornerofthecart,andIwassosqueezedthatIcouldhardlybearit.Peggottycallinghisattentiontomysufferings,Mr.Barkisgavemealittlemoreroomatonce,andgotawaybydegrees.ButIcouldnothelpobservingthatheseemedtothinkhehadhituponawonderfulexpedientforexpressinghimselfinaneat,agreeable,andpointedmanner,withouttheinconvenienceofinventingconversation.Hemanifestlychuckledoveritforsometime.ByandbyheturnedtoPeggottyagain,andrepeating,'Areyouprettycomfortablethough?'boredownuponusasbefore,untilthebreathwasnearlyedgedoutofmybody.Byandbyhemadeanotherdescentuponuswiththesameinquiry,andthesameresult.Atlength,IgotupwheneverIsawhimcoming,andstandingonthefoot-board,pretendedtolookattheprospect;afterwhichIdidverywell.Hewassopoliteastostopatapublic-house,expresslyonouraccount,andentertainuswithbroiledmuttonandbeer.EvenwhenPeggottywasintheactofdrinking,hewasseizedwithoneofthoseapproaches,andalmostchokedher.Butaswedrewnearertotheendofourjourney,hehadmoretodoandlesstimeforgallantry;andwhenwegotonYarmouthpavement,wewerealltoo
muchshakenandjolted,Iapprehend,tohaveanyleisureforanythingelse.Mr.PeggottyandHamwaitedforusattheoldplace.TheyreceivedmeandPeggottyinanaffectionatemanner,andshookhandswithMr.Barkis,who,withhishatontheverybackofhishead,andashame-facedleeruponhiscountenance,andpervadinghisverylegs,presentedbutavacantappearance,Ithought.TheyeachtookoneofPeggotty'strunks,andweweregoingaway,whenMr.Barkissolemnlymadeasigntomewithhisforefingertocomeunderanarchway.'Isay,'growledMr.Barkis,'itwasallright.'Ilookedupintohisface,andanswered,withanattempttobeveryprofound:'Oh!''Itdidn'tcometoaendthere,'saidMr.Barkis,noddingconfidentially.'Itwasallright.'AgainIanswered,'Oh!''Youknowwhowaswillin','saidmyfriend.'ItwasBarkis,and
Barkisonly.'Inoddedassent.'It'sallright,'saidMr.Barkis,shakinghands;'I'mafriendofyour'n.Youmadeitallright,first.It'sallright.'Inhisattemptstobeparticularlylucid,Mr.Barkiswassoextremelymysterious,thatImighthavestoodlookinginhisfaceforanhour,andmostassuredlyshouldhavegotasmuchinformationoutofitasoutofthefaceofaclockthathadstopped,butforPeggotty'scallingmeaway.Asweweregoingalong,sheaskedmewhathehadsaid;andItoldherhehadsaiditwasallright.'Likehisimpudence,'saidPeggotty,'butIdon'tmindthat!Davydear,whatshouldyouthinkifIwastothinkofbeingmarried?''Why-Isupposeyouwouldlikemeasmuchthen,Peggotty,asyoudonow?'Ireturned,afteralittleconsideration.Greatlytotheastonishmentofthepassengersinthestreet,aswellasofherrelationsgoingonbefore,thegoodsoulwasobligedtostopandembracemeonthespot,withmanyprotestationsofher
unalterablelove.'Tellmewhatshouldyousay,darling?'sheaskedagain,whenthiswasover,andwewerewalkingon.'Ifyouwerethinkingofbeingmarried-toMr.Barkis,Peggotty?''Yes,'saidPeggotty.'Ishouldthinkitwouldbeaverygoodthing.Forthenyouknow,Peggotty,youwouldalwayshavethehorseandcarttobringyouovertoseeme,andcouldcomefornothing,andbesureofcoming.''Thesenseofthedear!'criedPeggotty.'WhatIhavebeenthinkingof,thismonthback!Yes,myprecious;andIthinkIshouldbemoreindependentaltogether,yousee;letalonemyworkingwithabetterheartinmyownhouse,thanIcouldinanybodyelse'snow.Idon'tknowwhatImightbefitfor,now,asaservanttoastranger.AndIshallbealwaysnearmypretty'sresting-place,'saidPeggotty,musing,'andbeabletoseeitwhenIlike;andwhenIliedowntorest,Imaybelaidnotfarofffrommydarlinggirl!'
Weneitherofussaidanythingforalittlewhile.'ButIwouldn'tsomuchasgiveitanotherthought,'saidPeggotty,cheerily'ifmyDavywasanywaysagainstit-notifIhadbeenaskedinchurchthirtytimesthreetimesover,andwaswearingouttheringinmypocket.''Lookatme,Peggotty,'Ireplied;'andseeifIamnotreallyglad,anddon'ttrulywishit!'AsindeedIdid,withallmyheart.'Well,mylife,'saidPeggotty,givingmeasqueeze,'Ihavethoughtofitnightandday,everywayIcan,andIhopetherightway;butI'llthinkofitagain,andspeaktomybrotheraboutit,andinthemeantimewe'llkeepittoourselves,Davy,youandme.Barkisisagoodplaincreature,'saidPeggotty,'andifItriedtodomydutybyhim,IthinkitwouldbemyfaultifIwasn't-ifIwasn'tprettycomfortable,'saidPeggotty,laughingheartily.ThisquotationfromMr.Barkiswassoappropriate,andtickledusbothsomuch,thatwelaughedagainandagain,andwerequiteinapleasanthumourwhenwecamewithinviewofMr.Peggotty'scottage.Itlookedjustthesame,exceptthatitmay,perhaps,haveshrunk
alittleinmyeyes;andMrs.Gummidgewaswaitingatthedoorasifshehadstoodthereeversince.Allwithinwasthesame,downtotheseaweedinthebluemuginmybedroom.Iwentintotheout-housetolookaboutme;andtheverysamelobsters,crabs,andcrawfishpossessedbythesamedesiretopinchtheworldingeneral,appearedtobeinthesamestateofconglomerationinthesameoldcorner.ButtherewasnolittleEm'lytobeseen,soIaskedMr.Peggottywhereshewas.'She'satschool,sir,'saidMr.Peggotty,wipingtheheatconsequentontheporterageofPeggotty'sboxfromhisforehead;'she'llbehome,'lookingattheDutchclock,'infromtwentyminutestohalf-an-hour'stime.Weallonusfeelthelossofher,blessye!'Mrs.Gummidgemoaned.'Cheerup,Mawther!'criedMr.Peggotty.'Ifeelitmorethananybodyelse,'saidMrs.Gummidge;'I'malone
lorncreetur',andsheusedtobea'mosttheonlythingthatdidn'tgocontrarywithme.'Mrs.Gummidge,whimperingandshakingherhead,appliedherselftoblowingthefire.Mr.Peggotty,lookingrounduponuswhileshewassoengaged,saidinalowvoice,whichheshadedwithhishand:'Theold'un!'FromthisIrightlyconjecturedthatnoimprovementhadtakenplacesincemylastvisitinthestateofMrs.Gummidge'sspirits.Now,thewholeplacewas,oritshouldhavebeen,quiteasdelightfulaplaceasever;andyetitdidnotimpressmeinthesameway.Ifeltratherdisappointedwithit.PerhapsitwasbecauselittleEm'lywasnotathome.Iknewthewaybywhichshewouldcome,andpresentlyfoundmyselfstrollingalongthepathtomeether.Afigureappearedinthedistancebeforelong,andIsoonknewittobeEm'ly,whowasalittlecreaturestillinstature,thoughshewasgrown.Butwhenshedrewnearer,andIsawherblueeyeslookingbluer,andherdimpledfacelookingbrighter,andherwholeselfprettierandgayer,acuriousfeelingcameovermethatmademepretendnottoknowher,andpassbyasifIwerelookingat
somethingalongwayoff.Ihavedonesuchathingsinceinlaterlife,orIammistaken.LittleEm'lydidn'tcareabit.Shesawmewellenough;butinsteadofturningroundandcallingafterme,ranawaylaughing.Thisobligedmetorunafterher,andsheransofastthatwewereverynearthecottagebeforeIcaughther.'Oh,it'syou,isit?'saidlittleEm'ly.'Why,youknewwhoitwas,Em'ly,'saidI.'Anddidn'tYOUknowwhoitwas?'saidEm'ly.Iwasgoingtokissher,butshecoveredhercherrylipswithherhands,andsaidshewasn'tababynow,andranaway,laughingmorethanever,intothehouse.Sheseemedtodelightinteasingme,whichwasachangeinherIwonderedatverymuch.Theteatablewasready,andourlittlelockerwasputoutinitsoldplace,butinsteadofcomingtositbyme,shewentandbestowedhercompanyuponthatgrumblingMrs.Gummidge:andonMr.Peggotty'sinquiringwhy,rumpledherhairalloverherfacetohideit,andcoulddonothingbutlaugh.
'Alittlepuss,itis!'saidMr.Peggotty,pattingherwithhisgreathand.'Sosh'is!sosh'is!'criedHam.'Mas'rDavybor',sosh'is!'andhesatandchuckledatherforsometime,inastateofmingledadmirationanddelight,thatmadehisfaceaburningred.LittleEm'lywasspoiledbythemall,infact;andbynoonemorethanMr.Peggottyhimself,whomshecouldhavecoaxedintoanything,byonlygoingandlayinghercheekagainsthisroughwhisker.Thatwasmyopinion,atleast,whenIsawherdoit;andIheldMr.Peggottytobethoroughlyintheright.Butshewassoaffectionateandsweet-natured,andhadsuchapleasantmannerofbeingbothslyandshyatonce,thatshecaptivatedmemorethanever.Shewastender-hearted,too;forwhen,aswesatroundthefireaftertea,anallusionwasmadebyMr.PeggottyoverhispipetothelossIhadsustained,thetearsstoodinhereyes,andshelookedatmesokindlyacrossthetable,thatIfeltquitethankfultoher.
'Ah!'saidMr.Peggotty,takinguphercurls,andrunningthemoverhishandlikewater,'here'sanotherorphan,yousee,sir.Andhere,'saidMr.Peggotty,givingHamabackhandedknockinthechest,'isanotherof'em,thoughhedon'tlookmuchlikeit.''IfIhadyouformyguardian,Mr.Peggotty,'saidI,shakingmyhead,'Idon'tthinkIshouldFEELmuchlikeit.''Wellsaid,Mas'rDavybor'!'criedHam,inanecstasy.'Hoorah!Wellsaid!Normoreyouwouldn't!Hor!Hor!'-HerehereturnedMr.Peggotty'sback-hander,andlittleEm'lygotupandkissedMr.Peggotty.'Andhow'syourfriend,sir?'saidMr.Peggottytome.'Steerforth?'saidI.'That'sthename!'criedMr.Peggotty,turningtoHam.'Iknoweditwassomethinginourway.''YousaiditwasRudderford,'observedHam,laughing.'Well!'retortedMr.Peggotty.'Andyesteerwitharudder,don'tye?Itain'tfuroff.Howishe,sir?'
'HewasverywellindeedwhenIcameaway,Mr.Peggotty.''There'safriend!'saidMr.Peggotty,stretchingouthispipe.'There'safriend,ifyoutalkoffriends!Why,Lordlovemyheartalive,ifitain'tatreattolookathim!''Heisveryhandsome,ishenot?'saidI,myheartwarmingwiththispraise.'Handsome!'criedMr.Peggotty.'Hestandsuptoyoulike-likea-whyIdon'tknowwhathedon'tstanduptoyoulike.He'ssobold!''Yes!That'sjusthischaracter,'saidI.'He'sasbraveasalion,andyoucan'tthinkhowfrankheis,Mr.Peggotty.''AndIdosuppose,now,'saidMr.Peggotty,lookingatmethroughthesmokeofhispipe,'thatinthewayofbook-larninghe'dtakethewindoutofa'mostanything.''Yes,'saidI,delighted;'heknowseverything.Heisastonishinglyclever.'
'There'safriend!'murmuredMr.Peggotty,withagravetossofhishead.'Nothingseemstocosthimanytrouble,'saidI.'Heknowsataskifheonlylooksatit.Heisthebestcricketeryoueversaw.Hewillgiveyoualmostasmanymenasyoulikeatdraughts,andbeatyoueasily.'Mr.Peggottygavehisheadanothertoss,asmuchastosay:'Ofcoursehewill.''Heissuchaspeaker,'Ipursued,'thathecanwinanybodyover;andIdon'tknowwhatyou'dsayifyouweretohearhimsing,Mr.Peggotty.'Mr.Peggottygavehisheadanothertoss,asmuchastosay:'Ihavenodoubtofit.''Then,he'ssuchagenerous,fine,noblefellow,'saidI,quitecarriedawaybymyfavouritetheme,'thatit'shardlypossibletogivehimasmuchpraiseashedeserves.IamsureIcanneverfeelthankfulenoughforthegenerositywithwhichhehasprotectedme,somuchyoungerandlowerintheschoolthanhimself.'
Iwasrunningon,veryfastindeed,whenmyeyesrestedonlittleEm'ly'sface,whichwasbentforwardoverthetable,listeningwiththedeepestattention,herbreathheld,herblueeyessparklinglikejewels,andthecolourmantlinginhercheeks.Shelookedsoextraordinarilyearnestandpretty,thatIstoppedinasortofwonder;andtheyallobservedheratthesametime,forasIstopped,theylaughedandlookedather.'Em'lyislikeme,'saidPeggotty,'andwouldliketoseehim.'Em'lywasconfusedbyourallobservingher,andhungdownherhead,andherfacewascoveredwithblushes.Glancinguppresentlythroughherstraycurls,andseeingthatwewerealllookingatherstill(IamsureI,forone,couldhavelookedatherforhours),sheranaway,andkeptawaytillitwasnearlybedtime.Ilaydownintheoldlittlebedinthesternoftheboat,andthewindcamemoaningonacrosstheflatasithaddonebefore.ButIcouldnothelpfancying,now,thatitmoanedofthosewhoweregone;andinsteadofthinkingthattheseamightriseinthenightandfloattheboataway,Ithoughtoftheseathathadrisen,sinceIlastheardthosesounds,anddrownedmyhappyhome.Irecollect,
asthewindandwaterbegantosoundfainterinmyears,puttingashortclauseintomyprayers,petitioningthatImightgrowuptomarrylittleEm'ly,andsodroppinglovinglyasleep.Thedayspassedprettymuchastheyhadpassedbefore,except-itwasagreatexception-thatlittleEm'lyandIseldomwanderedonthebeachnow.Shehadtaskstolearn,andneedle-worktodo;andwasabsentduringagreatpartofeachday.ButIfeltthatweshouldnothavehadthoseoldwanderings,evenifithadbeenotherwise.WildandfullofchildishwhimsasEm'lywas,shewasmoreofalittlewomanthanIhadsupposed.Sheseemedtohavegotagreatdistanceawayfromme,inlittlemorethanayear.Shelikedme,butshelaughedatme,andtormentedme;andwhenIwenttomeether,stolehomeanotherway,andwaslaughingatthedoorwhenIcameback,disappointed.Thebesttimeswerewhenshesatquietlyatworkinthedoorway,andIsatonthewoodenstepatherfeet,readingtoher.Itseemstome,atthishour,thatIhaveneverseensuchsunlightasonthosebrightAprilafternoons;thatIhaveneverseensuchasunnylittlefigureasIusedtosee,sittinginthedoorwayoftheoldboat;thatIhaveneverbeheldsuchsky,suchwater,suchglorifiedshipssailingawayintogoldenair.
Ontheveryfirsteveningafterourarrival,Mr.Barkisappearedinanexceedinglyvacantandawkwardcondition,andwithabundleoforangestiedupinahandkerchief.Ashemadenoallusionofanykindtothisproperty,hewassupposedtohaveleftitbehindhimbyaccidentwhenhewentaway;untilHam,runningafterhimtorestoreit,camebackwiththeinformationthatitwasintendedforPeggotty.Afterthatoccasionheappearedeveryeveningatexactlythesamehour,andalwayswithalittlebundle,towhichheneveralluded,andwhichheregularlyputbehindthedoorandleftthere.Theseofferingsofaffectionwereofamostvariousandeccentricdescription.AmongthemIrememberadoublesetofpigs'trotters,ahugepin-cushion,halfabushelorsoofapples,apairofjetearrings,someSpanishonions,aboxofdominoes,acanarybirdandcage,andalegofpickledpork.Mr.Barkis'swooing,asIrememberit,wasaltogetherofapeculiarkind.Heveryseldomsaidanything;butwouldsitbythefireinmuchthesameattitudeashesatinhiscart,andstareheavilyatPeggotty,whowasopposite.Onenight,being,asIsuppose,inspiredbylove,hemadeadartatthebitofwax-candleshekeptforherthread,andputitinhiswaistcoat-pocketandcarrieditoff.Afterthat,hisgreatdelightwastoproduceitwhenitwaswanted,stickingtotheliningofhispocket,inapartiallymelted
state,andpocketitagainwhenitwasdonewith.Heseemedtoenjoyhimselfverymuch,andnottofeelatallcalledupontotalk.EvenwhenhetookPeggottyoutforawalkontheflats,hehadnouneasinessonthathead,Ibelieve;contentinghimselfwithnowandthenaskingherifshewasprettycomfortable;andIrememberthatsometimes,afterhewasgone,Peggottywouldthrowherapronoverherface,andlaughforhalf-an-hour.Indeed,wewereallmoreorlessamused,exceptthatmiserableMrs.Gummidge,whosecourtshipwouldappeartohavebeenofanexactlyparallelnature,shewassocontinuallyremindedbythesetransactionsoftheoldone.Atlength,whenthetermofmyvisitwasnearlyexpired,itwasgivenoutthatPeggottyandMr.Barkisweregoingtomakeaday'sholidaytogether,andthatlittleEm'lyandIweretoaccompanythem.Ihadbutabrokensleepthenightbefore,inanticipationofthepleasureofawholedaywithEm'ly.Wewereallastirbetimesinthemorning;andwhilewewereyetatbreakfast,Mr.Barkisappearedinthedistance,drivingachaise-carttowardstheobjectofhisaffections.Peggottywasdressedasusual,inherneatandquietmourning;butMr.Barkisbloomedinanewbluecoat,ofwhichthetailorhad
givenhimsuchgoodmeasure,thatthecuffswouldhaverenderedglovesunnecessaryinthecoldestweather,whilethecollarwassohighthatitpushedhishairuponendonthetopofhishead.Hisbrightbuttons,too,wereofthelargestsize.Renderedcompletebydrabpantaloonsandabuffwaistcoat,IthoughtMr.Barkisaphenomenonofrespectability.Whenwewereallinabustleoutsidethedoor,IfoundthatMr.Peggottywaspreparedwithanoldshoe,whichwastobethrownafterusforluck,andwhichheofferedtoMrs.Gummidgeforthatpurpose.'No.Ithadbetterbedonebysomebodyelse,Dan'l,'saidMrs.Gummidge.'I'malonelorncreetur'myself,andeverythinkthatremindsmeofcreetur'sthatain'tloneandlorn,goescontrarywithme.''Come,oldgal!'criedMr.Peggotty.'Takeandheaveit.''No,Dan'l,'returnedMrs.Gummidge,whimperingandshakingherhead.'IfIfeltless,Icoulddomore.Youdon'tfeellikeme,Dan'l;thinksdon'tgocontrarywithyou,noryouwiththem;youhadbetterdoityourself.'
ButherePeggotty,whohadbeengoingaboutfromonetoanotherinahurriedway,kissingeverybody,calledoutfromthecart,inwhichweallwerebythistime(Em'lyandIontwolittlechairs,sidebyside),thatMrs.Gummidgemustdoit.SoMrs.Gummidgedidit;and,Iamsorrytorelate,castadampuponthefestivecharacterofourdeparture,byimmediatelyburstingintotears,andsinkingsubduedintothearmsofHam,withthedeclarationthatsheknowedshewasaburden,andhadbetterbecarriedtotheHouseatonce.WhichIreallythoughtwasasensibleidea,thatHammighthaveactedon.Awaywewent,however,onourholidayexcursion;andthefirstthingwedidwastostopatachurch,whereMr.Barkistiedthehorsetosomerails,andwentinwithPeggotty,leavinglittleEm'lyandmealoneinthechaise.ItookthatoccasiontoputmyarmroundEm'ly'swaist,andproposethatasIwasgoingawaysoverysoonnow,weshoulddeterminetobeveryaffectionatetooneanother,andveryhappy,allday.LittleEm'lyconsenting,andallowingmetokissher,Ibecamedesperate;informingher,Irecollect,thatInevercouldloveanother,andthatIwaspreparedtoshedthebloodofanybodywhoshouldaspiretoheraffections.
HowmerrylittleEm'lymadeherselfaboutit!WithwhatademureassumptionofbeingimmenselyolderandwiserthanI,thefairylittlewomansaidIwas'asillyboy';andthenlaughedsocharminglythatIforgotthepainofbeingcalledbythatdisparagingname,inthepleasureoflookingather.Mr.BarkisandPeggottywereagoodwhileinthechurch,butcameoutatlast,andthenwedroveawayintothecountry.Asweweregoingalong,Mr.Barkisturnedtome,andsaid,withawink,-bytheby,Ishouldhardlyhavethought,before,thathecouldwink:'WhatnamewasitasIwroteupinthecart?''ClaraPeggotty,'Ianswered.'WhatnamewoulditbeasIshouldwriteupnow,iftherewasatilthere?''ClaraPeggotty,again?'Isuggested.'ClaraPeggottyBARKIS!'hereturned,andburstintoaroaroflaughterthatshookthechaise.
Inaword,theyweremarried,andhadgoneintothechurchfornootherpurpose.Peggottywasresolvedthatitshouldbequietlydone;andtheclerkhadgivenheraway,andtherehadbeennowitnessesoftheceremony.ShewasalittleconfusedwhenMr.Barkismadethisabruptannouncementoftheirunion,andcouldnothugmeenoughintokenofherunimpairedaffection;butshesoonbecameherselfagain,andsaidshewasverygladitwasover.Wedrovetoalittleinninaby-road,wherewewereexpected,andwherewehadaverycomfortabledinner,andpassedthedaywithgreatsatisfaction.IfPeggottyhadbeenmarriedeverydayforthelasttenyears,shecouldhardlyhavebeenmoreathereaseaboutit;itmadenosortofdifferenceinher:shewasjustthesameasever,andwentoutforastrollwithlittleEm'lyandmebeforetea,whileMr.Barkisphilosophicallysmokedhispipe,andenjoyedhimself,Isuppose,withthecontemplationofhishappiness.Ifso,itsharpenedhisappetite;forIdistinctlycalltomindthat,althoughhehadeatenagooddealofporkandgreensatdinner,andhadfinishedoffwithafowlortwo,hewasobligedtohavecoldboiledbaconfortea,anddisposedofalargequantitywithoutanyemotion.Ihaveoftenthought,since,whatanodd,innocent,out-of-the-way
kindofweddingitmusthavebeen!Wegotintothechaiseagainsoonafterdark,anddrovecosilyback,lookingupatthestars,andtalkingaboutthem.Iwastheirchiefexponent,andopenedMr.Barkis'smindtoanamazingextent.ItoldhimallIknew,buthewouldhavebelievedanythingImighthavetakenitintomyheadtoimparttohim;forhehadaprofoundvenerationformyabilities,andinformedhiswifeinmyhearing,onthatveryoccasion,thatIwas'ayoungRoeshus'-bywhichIthinkhemeantprodigy.Whenwehadexhaustedthesubjectofthestars,orratherwhenIhadexhaustedthementalfacultiesofMr.Barkis,littleEm'lyandImadeacloakofanoldwrapper,andsatunderitfortherestofthejourney.Ah,howIlovedher!Whathappiness(Ithought)ifweweremarried,andweregoingawayanywheretoliveamongthetreesandinthefields,nevergrowingolder,nevergrowingwiser,childrenever,ramblinghandinhandthroughsunshineandamongflowerymeadows,layingdownourheadsonmossatnight,inasweetsleepofpurityandpeace,andburiedbythebirdswhenweweredead!Somesuchpicture,withnorealworldinit,brightwiththelightofourinnocence,andvagueasthestarsafaroff,wasinmymindalltheway.IamgladtothinkthereweretwosuchguilelessheartsatPeggotty'smarriageaslittleEm'ly'sandmine.IamgladtothinktheLovesandGracestooksuchairyformsinits
homelyprocession.Well,wecametotheoldboatagainingoodtimeatnight;andthereMr.andMrs.Barkisbadeusgood-bye,anddroveawaysnuglytotheirownhome.Ifeltthen,forthefirsttime,thatIhadlostPeggotty.IshouldhavegonetobedwithasoreheartindeedunderanyotherroofbutthatwhichshelteredlittleEm'ly'shead.Mr.PeggottyandHamknewwhatwasinmythoughtsaswellasIdid,andwerereadywithsomesupperandtheirhospitablefacestodriveitaway.LittleEm'lycameandsatbesidemeonthelockerfortheonlytimeinallthatvisit;anditwasaltogetherawonderfulclosetoawonderfulday.Itwasanighttide;andsoonafterwewenttobed,Mr.PeggottyandHamwentouttofish.Ifeltverybraveatbeingleftaloneinthesolitaryhouse,theprotectorofEm'lyandMrs.Gummidge,andonlywishedthatalionoraserpent,oranyill-disposedmonster,wouldmakeanattackuponus,thatImightdestroyhim,andcovermyselfwithglory.ButasnothingofthesorthappenedtobewalkingaboutonYarmouthflatsthatnight,IprovidedthebestsubstituteIcouldbydreamingofdragonsuntilmorning.
WithmorningcamePeggotty;whocalledtome,asusual,undermywindowasifMr.Barkisthecarrierhadbeenfromfirsttolastadreamtoo.Afterbreakfastshetookmetoherownhome,andabeautifullittlehomeitwas.Ofallthemoveablesinit,Imusthavebeenimpressedbyacertainoldbureauofsomedarkwoodintheparlour(thetile-flooredkitchenwasthegeneralsitting-room),witharetreatingtopwhichopened,letdown,andbecameadesk,withinwhichwasalargequartoeditionofFoxe'sBookofMartyrs.Thispreciousvolume,ofwhichIdonotrecollectoneword,Iimmediatelydiscoveredandimmediatelyappliedmyselfto;andInevervisitedthehouseafterwards,butIkneeledonachair,openedthecasketwherethisgemwasenshrined,spreadmyarmsoverthedesk,andfelltodevouringthebookafresh.Iwaschieflyedified,Iamafraid,bythepictures,whichwerenumerous,andrepresentedallkindsofdismalhorrors;buttheMartyrsandPeggotty'shousehavebeeninseparableinmymindeversince,andarenow.ItookleaveofMr.Peggotty,andHam,andMrs.Gummidge,andlittleEm'ly,thatday;andpassedthenightatPeggotty's,inalittleroomintheroof(withtheCrocodileBookonashelfbythebed'shead)whichwastobealwaysmine,Peggottysaid,andshouldalwaysbekeptformeinexactlythesamestate.
'Youngorold,Davydear,aslongasIamaliveandhavethishouseovermyhead,'saidPeggotty,'youshallfinditasifIexpectedyouheredirectlyminute.Ishallkeepiteveryday,asIusedtokeepyouroldlittleroom,mydarling;andifyouwastogotoChina,youmightthinkofitasbeingkeptjustthesame,allthetimeyouwereaway.'Ifeltthetruthandconstancyofmydearoldnurse,withallmyheart,andthankedheraswellasIcould.Thatwasnotverywell,forshespoketomethus,withherarmsroundmyneck,inthemorning,andIwasgoinghomeinthemorning,andIwenthomeinthemorning,withherselfandMr.Barkisinthecart.Theyleftmeatthegate,noteasilyorlightly;anditwasastrangesighttometoseethecartgoon,takingPeggottyaway,andleavingmeundertheoldelm-treeslookingatthehouse,inwhichtherewasnofacetolookonminewithloveorlikinganymore.AndnowIfellintoastateofneglect,whichIcannotlookbackuponwithoutcompassion.Ifellatonceintoasolitarycondition,-apartfromallfriendlynotice,apartfromthesocietyofallotherboysofmyownage,apartfromallcompanionshipbutmyownspiritlessthoughts,-whichseemstocastitsgloomuponthis
paperasIwrite.WhatwouldIhavegiven,tohavebeensenttothehardestschoolthateverwaskept!-tohavebeentaughtsomething,anyhow,anywhere!Nosuchhopedawneduponme.Theydislikedme;andtheysullenly,sternly,steadily,overlookedme.IthinkMr.Murdstone'smeanswerestraitenedataboutthistime;butitislittletothepurpose.Hecouldnotbearme;andinputtingmefromhimhetried,asIbelieve,toputawaythenotionthatIhadanyclaimuponhim-andsucceeded.Iwasnotactivelyill-used.Iwasnotbeaten,orstarved;butthewrongthatwasdonetomehadnointervalsofrelenting,andwasdoneinasystematic,passionlessmanner.Dayafterday,weekafterweek,monthaftermonth,Iwascoldlyneglected.Iwondersometimes,whenIthinkofit,whattheywouldhavedoneifIhadbeentakenwithanillness;whetherIshouldhavelaindowninmylonelyroom,andlanguishedthroughitinmyusualsolitaryway,orwhetheranybodywouldhavehelpedmeout.WhenMr.andMissMurdstonewereathome,Itookmymealswiththem;intheirabsence,Iateanddrankbymyself.AtalltimesIloungedaboutthehouseandneighbourhoodquitedisregarded,except
thattheywerejealousofmymakinganyfriends:thinking,perhaps,thatifIdid,Imightcomplaintosomeone.Forthisreason,thoughMr.Chillipoftenaskedmetogoandseehim(hewasawidower,having,someyearsbeforethat,lostalittlesmalllight-hairedwife,whomIcanjustrememberconnectinginmyownthoughtswithapaletortoise-shellcat),itwasbutseldomthatIenjoyedthehappinessofpassinganafternooninhisclosetofasurgery;readingsomebookthatwasnewtome,withthesmellofthewholePharmacopoeiacomingupmynose,orpoundingsomethinginamortarunderhismilddirections.Forthesamereason,addednodoubttotheolddislikeofher,IwasseldomallowedtovisitPeggotty.Faithfultoherpromise,sheeithercametoseeme,ormetmesomewherenear,onceeveryweek,andneverempty-handed;butmanyandbitterwerethedisappointmentsIhad,inbeingrefusedpermissiontopayavisittoheratherhouse.Somefewtimes,however,atlongintervals,Iwasallowedtogothere;andthenIfoundoutthatMr.Barkiswassomethingofamiser,orasPeggottydutifullyexpressedit,was'alittlenear',andkeptaheapofmoneyinaboxunderhisbed,whichhepretendedwasonlyfullofcoatsandtrousers.Inthiscoffer,hisricheshidthemselveswithsuchatenaciousmodesty,thatthesmallestinstalmentscouldonlybetemptedoutby
artifice;sothatPeggottyhadtopreparealongandelaboratescheme,averyGunpowderPlot,foreverySaturday'sexpenses.AllthistimeIwassoconsciousofthewasteofanypromiseIhadgiven,andofmybeingutterlyneglected,thatIshouldhavebeenperfectlymiserable,Ihavenodoubt,butfortheoldbooks.Theyweremyonlycomfort;andIwasastruetothemastheyweretome,andreadthemoverandoverIdon'tknowhowmanytimesmore.Inowapproachaperiodofmylife,whichIcanneverlosetheremembranceof,whileIrememberanything:andtherecollectionofwhichhasoften,withoutmyinvocation,comebeforemelikeaghost,andhauntedhappiertimes.Ihadbeenout,oneday,loiteringsomewhere,inthelistless,meditativemannerthatmywayoflifeengendered,when,turningthecornerofalanenearourhouse,IcameuponMr.Murdstonewalkingwithagentleman.Iwasconfused,andwasgoingbythem,whenthegentlemancried:'What!Brooks!''No,sir,DavidCopperfield,'Isaid.
'Don'ttellme.YouareBrooks,'saidthegentleman.'YouareBrooksofSheffield.That'syourname.'Atthesewords,Iobservedthegentlemanmoreattentively.Hislaughcomingtomyremembrancetoo,IknewhimtobeMr.Quinion,whomIhadgoneovertoLowestoftwithMr.Murdstonetosee,before-itisnomatter-Ineednotrecallwhen.'Andhowdoyougeton,andwhereareyoubeingeducated,Brooks?'saidMr.Quinion.Hehadputhishanduponmyshoulder,andturnedmeabout,towalkwiththem.Ididnotknowwhattoreply,andglanceddubiouslyatMr.Murdstone.'Heisathomeatpresent,'saidthelatter.'Heisnotbeingeducatedanywhere.Idon'tknowwhattodowithhim.Heisadifficultsubject.'Thatold,doublelookwasonmeforamoment;andthenhiseyesdarkenedwithafrown,asitturned,initsaversion,elsewhere.
'Humph!'saidMr.Quinion,lookingatusboth,Ithought.'Fineweather!'Silenceensued,andIwasconsideringhowIcouldbestdisengagemyshoulderfromhishand,andgoaway,whenhesaid:'Isupposeyouareaprettysharpfellowstill?Eh,Brooks?''Aye!Heissharpenough,'saidMr.Murdstone,impatiently.'Youhadbetterlethimgo.Hewillnotthankyoufortroublinghim.'Onthishint,Mr.Quinionreleasedme,andImadethebestofmywayhome.LookingbackasIturnedintothefrontgarden,IsawMr.Murdstoneleaningagainstthewicketofthechurchyard,andMr.Quiniontalkingtohim.Theywerebothlookingafterme,andIfeltthattheywerespeakingofme.Mr.Quinionlayatourhousethatnight.Afterbreakfast,thenextmorning,Ihadputmychairaway,andwasgoingoutoftheroom,whenMr.Murdstonecalledmeback.Hethengravelyrepairedtoanothertable,wherehissistersatherselfatherdesk.Mr.Quinion,withhishandsinhispockets,stoodlookingoutofwindow;andIstoodlookingatthemall.
'David,'saidMr.Murdstone,'totheyoungthisisaworldforaction;notformopinganddroningin.'-'Asyoudo,'addedhissister.'JaneMurdstone,leaveittome,ifyouplease.Isay,David,totheyoungthisisaworldforaction,andnotformopinganddroningin.Itisespeciallysoforayoungboyofyourdisposition,whichrequiresagreatdealofcorrecting;andtowhichnogreaterservicecanbedonethantoforceittoconformtothewaysoftheworkingworld,andtobenditandbreakit.''Forstubbornnesswon'tdohere,'saidhissister'Whatitwantsis,tobecrushed.Andcrusheditmustbe.Shallbe,too!'Hegaveheralook,halfinremonstrance,halfinapproval,andwenton:'Isupposeyouknow,David,thatIamnotrich.Atanyrate,youknowitnow.Youhavereceivedsomeconsiderableeducationalready.Educationiscostly;andevenifitwerenot,andIcouldaffordit,Iamofopinionthatitwouldnotbeatalladvantageous
toyoutobekeptatschool.Whatisbeforeyou,isafightwiththeworld;andthesooneryoubeginit,thebetter.'IthinkitoccurredtomethatIhadalreadybegunit,inmypoorway:butitoccurstomenow,whetherorno.'Youhaveheardthe"counting-house"mentionedsometimes,'saidMr.Murdstone.'Thecounting-house,sir?'Irepeated.'OfMurdstoneandGrinby,inthewinetrade,'hereplied.IsupposeIlookeduncertain,forhewentonhastily:'Youhaveheardthe"counting-house"mentioned,orthebusiness,orthecellars,orthewharf,orsomethingaboutit.''IthinkIhaveheardthebusinessmentioned,sir,'Isaid,rememberingwhatIvaguelyknewofhisandhissister'sresources.'ButIdon'tknowwhen.''Itdoesnotmatterwhen,'hereturned.'Mr.Quinionmanagesthatbusiness.'
Iglancedatthelatterdeferentiallyashestoodlookingoutofwindow.'Mr.Quinionsuggeststhatitgivesemploymenttosomeotherboys,andthatheseesnoreasonwhyitshouldn't,onthesameterms,giveemploymenttoyou.''Hehaving,'Mr.Quinionobservedinalowvoice,andhalfturninground,'nootherprospect,Murdstone.'Mr.Murdstone,withanimpatient,evenanangrygesture,resumed,withoutnoticingwhathehadsaid:'Thosetermsare,thatyouwillearnenoughforyourselftoprovideforyoureatinganddrinking,andpocket-money.Yourlodging(whichIhavearrangedfor)willbepaidbyme.Sowillyourwashing-''-Whichwillbekeptdowntomyestimate,'saidhissister.'Yourclotheswillbelookedafterforyou,too,'saidMr.Murdstone;'asyouwillnotbeable,yetawhile,togetthemfor
yourself.SoyouarenowgoingtoLondon,David,withMr.Quinion,tobegintheworldonyourownaccount.''Inshort,youareprovidedfor,'observedhissister;'andwillpleasetodoyourduty.'ThoughIquiteunderstoodthatthepurposeofthisannouncementwastogetridofme,Ihavenodistinctremembrancewhetheritpleasedorfrightenedme.Myimpressionis,thatIwasinastateofconfusionaboutit,and,oscillatingbetweenthetwopoints,touchedneither.NorhadImuchtimefortheclearingofmythoughts,asMr.Quinionwastogouponthemorrow.Beholdme,onthemorrow,inamuch-wornlittlewhitehat,withablackcraperounditformymother,ablackjacket,andapairofhard,stiffcorduroytrousers-whichMissMurdstoneconsideredthebestarmourforthelegsinthatfightwiththeworldwhichwasnowtocomeoff.beholdmesoattired,andwithmylittleworldlyallbeforemeinasmalltrunk,sitting,alonelornchild(asMrs.Gummidgemighthavesaid),inthepost-chaisethatwascarryingMr.QuiniontotheLondoncoachatYarmouth!See,howourhouseandchurcharelesseninginthedistance;howthegravebeneaththetreeisblottedoutbyinterveningobjects;howthespirepoints
upwardsfrommyoldplaygroundnomore,andtheskyisempty!CHAPTER11IBEGINLIFEONMYOWNACCOUNT,ANDDON'TLIKEITIknowenoughoftheworldnow,tohavealmostlostthecapacityofbeingmuchsurprisedbyanything;butitismatterofsomesurprisetome,evennow,thatIcanhavebeensoeasilythrownawayatsuchanage.Achildofexcellentabilities,andwithstrongpowersofobservation,quick,eager,delicate,andsoonhurtbodilyormentally,itseemswonderfultomethatnobodyshouldhavemadeanysigninmybehalf.Butnonewasmade;andIbecame,attenyearsold,alittlelabouringhindintheserviceofMurdstoneandGrinby.MurdstoneandGrinby'swarehousewasatthewaterside.ItwasdowninBlackfriars.Modernimprovementshavealteredtheplace;butitwasthelasthouseatthebottomofanarrowstreet,curvingdownhilltotheriver,withsomestairsattheend,wherepeopletookboat.Itwasacrazyoldhousewithawharfofitsown,abuttingonthewaterwhenthetidewasin,andonthemudwhenthetidewas
out,andliterallyoverrunwithrats.Itspanelledrooms,discolouredwiththedirtandsmokeofahundredyears,Idaresay;itsdecayingfloorsandstaircase;thesqueakingandscufflingoftheoldgreyratsdowninthecellars;andthedirtandrottennessoftheplace;arethings,notofmanyyearsago,inmymind,butofthepresentinstant.Theyareallbeforeme,justastheywereintheevilhourwhenIwentamongthemforthefirsttime,withmytremblinghandinMr.Quinion's.MurdstoneandGrinby'stradewasamongagoodmanykindsofpeople,butanimportantbranchofitwasthesupplyofwinesandspiritstocertainpacketships.Iforgetnowwheretheychieflywent,butIthinkthereweresomeamongthemthatmadevoyagesbothtotheEastandWestIndies.Iknowthatagreatmanyemptybottleswereoneoftheconsequencesofthistraffic,andthatcertainmenandboyswereemployedtoexaminethemagainstthelight,andrejectthosethatwereflawed,andtorinseandwashthem.Whentheemptybottlesranshort,therewerelabelstobepastedonfullones,orcorkstobefittedtothem,orsealstobeputuponthecorks,orfinishedbottlestobepackedincasks.Allthisworkwasmywork,andoftheboysemployeduponitIwasone.Therewerethreeorfourofus,countingme.Myworkingplacewas
establishedinacornerofthewarehouse,whereMr.Quinioncouldseeme,whenhechosetostanduponthebottomrailofhisstoolinthecounting-house,andlookatmethroughawindowabovethedesk.Hither,onthefirstmorningofmysoauspiciouslybeginninglifeonmyownaccount,theoldestoftheregularboyswassummonedtoshowmemybusiness.HisnamewasMickWalker,andheworearaggedapronandapapercap.Heinformedmethathisfatherwasabargeman,andwalked,inablackvelvethead-dress,intheLordMayor'sShow.Healsoinformedmethatourprincipalassociatewouldbeanotherboywhomheintroducedbythe-tome-extraordinarynameofMealyPotatoes.Idiscovered,however,thatthisyouthhadnotbeenchristenedbythatname,butthatithadbeenbestoweduponhiminthewarehouse,onaccountofhiscomplexion,whichwaspaleormealy.Mealy'sfatherwasawaterman,whohadtheadditionaldistinctionofbeingafireman,andwasengagedassuchatoneofthelargetheatres;wheresomeyoungrelationofMealy's-Ithinkhislittlesister-didImpsinthePantomimes.NowordscanexpressthesecretagonyofmysoulasIsunkintothiscompanionship;comparedthesehencefortheverydayassociateswiththoseofmyhappierchildhood-nottosaywithSteerforth,Traddles,andtherestofthoseboys;andfeltmyhopesofgrowing
uptobealearnedanddistinguishedman,crushedinmybosom.ThedeepremembranceofthesenseIhad,ofbeingutterlywithouthopenow;oftheshameIfeltinmyposition;ofthemiseryitwastomyyounghearttobelievethatdaybydaywhatIhadlearned,andthought,anddelightedin,andraisedmyfancyandmyemulationupby,wouldpassawayfromme,littlebylittle,nevertobebroughtbackanymore;cannotbewritten.AsoftenasMickWalkerwentawayinthecourseofthatforenoon,ImingledmytearswiththewaterinwhichIwaswashingthebottles;andsobbedasiftherewereaflawinmyownbreast,anditwereindangerofbursting.Thecounting-houseclockwasathalfpasttwelve,andtherewasgeneralpreparationforgoingtodinner,whenMr.Quiniontappedatthecounting-housewindow,andbeckonedtometogoin.Iwentin,andfoundthereastoutish,middle-agedperson,inabrownsurtoutandblacktightsandshoes,withnomorehairuponhishead(whichwasalargeone,andveryshining)thanthereisuponanegg,andwithaveryextensiveface,whichheturnedfulluponme.Hisclotheswereshabby,buthehadanimposingshirt-collaron.Hecarriedajauntysortofastick,withalargepairofrustytasselstoit;andaquizzing-glasshungoutsidehiscoat,-forornament,Iafterwardsfound,asheveryseldomlookedthroughit,andcouldn'tseeanythingwhenhedid.
'This,'saidMr.Quinion,inallusiontomyself,'ishe.''This,'saidthestranger,withacertaincondescendingrollinhisvoice,andacertainindescribableairofdoingsomethinggenteel,whichimpressedmeverymuch,'isMasterCopperfield.IhopeIseeyouwell,sir?'IsaidIwasverywell,andhopedhewas.Iwassufficientlyillatease,Heavenknows;butitwasnotinmynaturetocomplainmuchatthattimeofmylife,soIsaidIwasverywell,andhopedhewas.'Iam,'saidthestranger,'thankHeaven,quitewell.IhavereceivedaletterfromMr.Murdstone,inwhichhementionsthathewoulddesiremetoreceiveintoanapartmentintherearofmyhouse,whichisatpresentunoccupied-andis,inshort,tobeletasa-inshort,'saidthestranger,withasmileandinaburstofconfidence,'asabedroom-theyoungbeginnerwhomIhavenowthepleasureto-'andthestrangerwavedhishand,andsettledhischininhisshirt-collar.'ThisisMr.Micawber,'saidMr.Quiniontome.
'Ahem!'saidthestranger,'thatismyname.''Mr.Micawber,'saidMr.Quinion,'isknowntoMr.Murdstone.Hetakesordersforusoncommission,whenhecangetany.HehasbeenwrittentobyMr.Murdstone,onthesubjectofyourlodgings,andhewillreceiveyouasalodger.''Myaddress,'saidMr.Micawber,'isWindsorTerrace,CityRoad.I-inshort,'saidMr.Micawber,withthesamegenteelair,andinanotherburstofconfidence-'Ilivethere.'Imadehimabow.'Undertheimpression,'saidMr.Micawber,'thatyourperegrinationsinthismetropolishavenotasyetbeenextensive,andthatyoumighthavesomedifficultyinpenetratingthearcanaoftheModernBabyloninthedirectionoftheCityRoad,-inshort,'saidMr.Micawber,inanotherburstofconfidence,'thatyoumightloseyourself-Ishallbehappytocallthisevening,andinstallyouintheknowledgeofthenearestway.'Ithankedhimwithallmyheart,foritwasfriendlyinhimto
offertotakethattrouble.'Atwhathour,'saidMr.Micawber,'shallI-''Atabouteight,'saidMr.Quinion.'Atabouteight,'saidMr.Micawber.'Ibegtowishyougoodday,Mr.Quinion.Iwillintrudenolonger.'Soheputonhishat,andwentoutwithhiscaneunderhisarm:veryupright,andhummingatunewhenhewasclearofthecounting-house.Mr.QuinionthenformallyengagedmetobeasusefulasIcouldinthewarehouseofMurdstoneandGrinby,atasalary,Ithink,ofsixshillingsaweek.Iamnotclearwhetheritwassixorseven.Iaminclinedtobelieve,frommyuncertaintyonthishead,thatitwassixatfirstandsevenafterwards.Hepaidmeaweekdown(fromhisownpocket,Ibelieve),andIgaveMealysixpenceoutofittogetmytrunkcarriedtoWindsorTerracethatnight:itbeingtooheavyformystrength,smallasitwas.Ipaidsixpencemoreformydinner,whichwasameatpieandaturnataneighbouringpump;andpassedthehourwhichwasallowedforthatmeal,in
walkingaboutthestreets.Attheappointedtimeintheevening,Mr.Micawberreappeared.Iwashedmyhandsandface,todothegreaterhonourtohisgentility,andwewalkedtoourhouse,asIsupposeImustnowcallit,together;Mr.Micawberimpressingthenameofstreets,andtheshapesofcornerhousesuponme,aswewentalong,thatImightfindmywayback,easily,inthemorning.ArrivedatthishouseinWindsorTerrace(whichInoticedwasshabbylikehimself,butalso,likehimself,madealltheshowitcould),hepresentedmetoMrs.Micawber,athinandfadedlady,notatallyoung,whowassittingintheparlour(thefirstfloorwasaltogetherunfurnished,andtheblindswerekeptdowntodeludetheneighbours),withababyatherbreast.Thisbabywasoneoftwins;andImayremarkherethatIhardlyever,inallmyexperienceofthefamily,sawboththetwinsdetachedfromMrs.Micawberatthesametime.Oneofthemwasalwaystakingrefreshment.Thereweretwootherchildren;MasterMicawber,agedaboutfour,andMissMicawber,agedaboutthree.These,andadark-complexionedyoungwoman,withahabitofsnorting,whowas
servanttothefamily,andinformedme,beforehalfanhourhadexpired,thatshewas'aOrfling',andcamefromSt.Luke'sworkhouse,intheneighbourhood,completedtheestablishment.Myroomwasatthetopofthehouse,attheback:aclosechamber;stencilledalloverwithanornamentwhichmyyoungimaginationrepresentedasabluemuffin;andveryscantilyfurnished.'Ineverthought,'saidMrs.Micawber,whenshecameup,twinandall,toshowmetheapartment,andsatdowntotakebreath,'beforeIwasmarried,whenIlivedwithpapaandmama,thatIshouldeverfinditnecessarytotakealodger.ButMr.Micawberbeingindifficulties,allconsiderationsofprivatefeelingmustgiveway.'Isaid:'Yes,ma'am.''Mr.Micawber'sdifficultiesarealmostoverwhelmingjustatpresent,'saidMrs.Micawber;'andwhetheritispossibletobringhimthroughthem,Idon'tknow.WhenIlivedathomewithpapaandmama,Ireallyshouldhavehardlyunderstoodwhatthewordmeant,inthesenseinwhichInowemployit,butexperientiadoesit,-aspapausedtosay.'IcannotsatisfymyselfwhethershetoldmethatMr.Micawberhad
beenanofficerintheMarines,orwhetherIhaveimaginedit.IonlyknowthatIbelievetothishourthatheWASintheMarinesonceuponatime,withoutknowingwhy.Hewasasortoftowntravellerforanumberofmiscellaneoushouses,now;butmadelittleornothingofit,Iamafraid.'IfMr.Micawber'screditorswillnotgivehimtime,'saidMrs.Micawber,'theymusttaketheconsequences;andthesoonertheybringittoanissuethebetter.Bloodcannotbeobtainedfromastone,neithercananythingonaccountbeobtainedatpresent(nottomentionlawexpenses)fromMr.Micawber.'Inevercanquiteunderstandwhethermyprecociousself-dependenceconfusedMrs.Micawberinreferencetomyage,orwhethershewassofullofthesubjectthatshewouldhavetalkedaboutittotheverytwinsiftherehadbeennobodyelsetocommunicatewith,butthiswasthestraininwhichshebegan,andshewentonaccordinglyallthetimeIknewher.PoorMrs.Micawber!Shesaidshehadtriedtoexertherself,andso,Ihavenodoubt,shehad.Thecentreofthestreetdoorwasperfectlycoveredwithagreatbrass-plate,onwhichwasengraved'Mrs.Micawber'sBoardingEstablishmentforYoungLadies':butI
neverfoundthatanyyoungladyhadeverbeentoschoolthere;orthatanyyoungladyevercame,orproposedtocome;orthattheleastpreparationwasevermadetoreceiveanyyounglady.TheonlyvisitorsIeversaw,orheardof,werecreditors.THEYusedtocomeatallhours,andsomeofthemwerequiteferocious.Onedirty-facedman,Ithinkhewasaboot-maker,usedtoedgehimselfintothepassageasearlyasseveno'clockinthemorning,andcallupthestairstoMr.Micawber-'Come!Youain'toutyet,youknow.Payus,willyou?Don'thide,youknow;that'smean.Iwouldn'tbemeanifIwasyou.Payus,willyou?Youjustpayus,d'yehear?Come!'Receivingnoanswertothesetaunts,hewouldmountinhiswrathtothewords'swindlers'and'robbers';andthesebeingineffectualtoo,wouldsometimesgototheextremityofcrossingthestreet,androaringupatthewindowsofthesecondfloor,whereheknewMr.Micawberwas.Atthesetimes,Mr.Micawberwouldbetransportedwithgriefandmortification,eventothelength(asIwasoncemadeawarebyascreamfromhiswife)ofmakingmotionsathimselfwitharazor;butwithinhalf-an-hourafterwards,hewouldpolishuphisshoeswithextraordinarypains,andgoout,hummingatunewithagreaterairofgentilitythanever.Mrs.Micawberwasquiteaselastic.Ihaveknownhertobethrownintofaintingfitsbytheking'staxesatthreeo'clock,andtoeatlambchops,breaded,anddrinkwarmale(paidforwithtwo
tea-spoonsthathadgonetothepawnbroker's)atfour.Ononeoccasion,whenanexecutionhadjustbeenputin,cominghomethroughsomechanceasearlyassixo'clock,Isawherlying(ofcoursewithatwin)underthegrateinaswoon,withherhairalltornaboutherface;butIneverknewhermorecheerfulthanshewas,thatverysamenight,overavealcutletbeforethekitchenfire,tellingmestoriesaboutherpapaandmama,andthecompanytheyusedtokeep.Inthishouse,andwiththisfamily,Ipassedmyleisuretime.Myownexclusivebreakfastofapennyloafandapennyworthofmilk,Iprovidedmyself.Ikeptanothersmallloaf,andamodicumofcheese,onaparticularshelfofaparticularcupboard,tomakemysupperonwhenIcamebackatnight.Thismadeaholeinthesixorsevenshillings,Iknowwell;andIwasoutatthewarehouseallday,andhadtosupportmyselfonthatmoneyalltheweek.FromMondaymorninguntilSaturdaynight,Ihadnoadvice,nocounsel,noencouragement,noconsolation,noassistance,nosupport,ofanykind,fromanyone,thatIcancalltomind,asIhopetogotoheaven!Iwassoyoungandchildish,andsolittlequalified-howcouldIbeotherwise?-toundertakethewholechargeofmyownexistence,
thatoften,ingoingtoMurdstoneandGrinby's,ofamorning,Icouldnotresistthestalepastryputoutforsaleathalf-priceatthepastrycooks'doors,andspentinthatthemoneyIshouldhavekeptformydinner.Then,Iwentwithoutmydinner,orboughtarollorasliceofpudding.Iremembertwopuddingshops,betweenwhichIwasdivided,accordingtomyfinances.OnewasinacourtclosetoSt.Martin'sChurch-atthebackofthechurch,-whichisnowremovedaltogether.Thepuddingatthatshopwasmadeofcurrants,andwasratheraspecialpudding,butwasdear,twopennyworthnotbeinglargerthanapennyworthofmoreordinarypudding.AgoodshopforthelatterwasintheStrand-somewhereinthatpartwhichhasbeenrebuiltsince.Itwasastoutpalepudding,heavyandflabby,andwithgreatflatraisinsinit,stuckinwholeatwidedistancesapart.Itcameuphotataboutmytimeeveryday,andmanyadaydidIdineoffit.WhenIdinedregularlyandhandsomely,Ihadasaveloyandapennyloaf,orafourpennyplateofredbeeffromacook'sshop;oraplateofbreadandcheeseandaglassofbeer,fromamiserableoldpublic-houseoppositeourplaceofbusiness,calledtheLion,ortheLionandsomethingelsethatIhaveforgotten.Once,Iremembercarryingmyownbread(whichIhadbroughtfromhomeinthemorning)undermyarm,wrappedinapieceofpaper,likeabook,andgoingtoafamousalamodebeef-housenearDruryLane,andorderinga'small
plate'ofthatdelicacytoeatwithit.Whatthewaiterthoughtofsuchastrangelittleapparitioncominginallalone,Idon'tknow;butIcanseehimnow,staringatmeasIatemydinner,andbringinguptheotherwaitertolook.Igavehimahalfpennyforhimself,andIwishhehadn'ttakenit.Wehadhalf-an-hour,Ithink,fortea.WhenIhadmoneyenough,Iusedtogethalf-a-pintofready-madecoffeeandasliceofbreadandbutter.WhenIhadnone,IusedtolookatavenisonshopinFleetStreet;orIhavestrolled,atsuchatime,asfarasCoventGardenMarket,andstaredatthepineapples.IwasfondofwanderingabouttheAdelphi,becauseitwasamysteriousplace,withthosedarkarches.Iseemyselfemergingoneeveningfromsomeofthesearches,onalittlepublic-houseclosetotheriver,withanopenspacebeforeit,wheresomecoal-heaversweredancing;tolookatwhomIsatdownuponabench.Iwonderwhattheythoughtofme!Iwassuchachild,andsolittle,thatfrequentlywhenIwentintothebarofastrangepublic-houseforaglassofaleorporter,tomoistenwhatIhadhadfordinner,theywereafraidtogiveitme.IrememberonehoteveningIwentintothebarofapublic-house,andsaidtothelandlord:
'Whatisyourbest-yourverybest-aleaglass?'Foritwasaspecialoccasion.Idon'tknowwhat.Itmayhavebeenmybirthday.'Twopence-halfpenny,'saysthelandlord,'isthepriceoftheGenuineStunningale.''Then,'saysI,producingthemoney,'justdrawmeaglassoftheGenuineStunning,ifyouplease,withagoodheadtoit.'Thelandlordlookedatmeinreturnoverthebar,fromheadtofoot,withastrangesmileonhisface;andinsteadofdrawingthebeer,lookedroundthescreenandsaidsomethingtohiswife.Shecameoutfrombehindit,withherworkinherhand,andjoinedhiminsurveyingme.Herewestand,allthree,beforemenow.Thelandlordinhisshirt-sleeves,leaningagainstthebarwindow-frame;hiswifelookingoverthelittlehalf-door;andI,insomeconfusion,lookingupatthemfromoutsidethepartition.Theyaskedmeagoodmanyquestions;as,whatmynamewas,howoldIwas,whereIlived,howIwasemployed,andhowIcamethere.Toallofwhich,thatImightcommitnobody,Iinvented,Iamafraid,appropriateanswers.Theyservedmewiththeale,thoughIsuspectitwasnottheGenuineStunning;andthelandlord'swife,opening
thelittlehalf-doorofthebar,andbendingdown,gavememymoneyback,andgavemeakissthatwashalfadmiringandhalfcompassionate,butallwomanlyandgood,Iamsure.IknowIdonotexaggerate,unconsciouslyandunintentionally,thescantinessofmyresourcesorthedifficultiesofmylife.IknowthatifashillingweregivenmebyMr.Quinionatanytime,Ispentitinadinneroratea.IknowthatIworked,frommorninguntilnight,withcommonmenandboys,ashabbychild.IknowthatIloungedaboutthestreets,insufficientlyandunsatisfactorilyfed.Iknowthat,butforthemercyofGod,Imighteasilyhavebeen,foranycarethatwastakenofme,alittlerobberoralittlevagabond.YetIheldsomestationatMurdstoneandGrinby'stoo.BesidesthatMr.Quiniondidwhatacarelessmansooccupied,anddealingwithathingsoanomalous,could,totreatmeasoneuponadifferentfootingfromtherest,Ineversaid,tomanorboy,howitwasthatIcametobethere,orgavetheleastindicationofbeingsorrythatIwasthere.ThatIsufferedinsecret,andthatIsufferedexquisitely,nooneeverknewbutI.HowmuchIsuffered,itis,asIhavesaidalready,utterlybeyondmypowertotell.ButIkeptmyowncounsel,andIdidmywork.Iknewfrom
thefirst,that,ifIcouldnotdomyworkaswellasanyoftherest,Icouldnotholdmyselfaboveslightandcontempt.Isoonbecameatleastasexpeditiousandasskilfulaseitheroftheotherboys.Thoughperfectlyfamiliarwiththem,myconductandmannerweredifferentenoughfromtheirstoplaceaspacebetweenus.Theyandthemengenerallyspokeofmeas'thelittlegent',or'theyoungSuffolker.'AcertainmannamedGregory,whowasforemanofthepackers,andanothernamedTipp,whowasthecarman,andworearedjacket,usedtoaddressmesometimesas'David':butIthinkitwasmostlywhenwewereveryconfidential,andwhenIhadmadesomeeffortstoentertainthem,overourwork,withsomeresultsoftheoldreadings;whichwerefastperishingoutofmyremembrance.MealyPotatoesuproseonce,andrebelledagainstmybeingsodistinguished;butMickWalkersettledhiminnotime.MyrescuefromthiskindofexistenceIconsideredquitehopeless,andabandoned,assuch,altogether.IamsolemnlyconvincedthatIneverforonehourwasreconciledtoit,orwasotherwisethanmiserablyunhappy;butIboreit;andeventoPeggotty,partlyfortheloveofherandpartlyforshame,neverinanyletter(thoughmanypassedbetweenus)revealedthetruth.Mr.Micawber'sdifficultieswereanadditiontothedistressed
stateofmymind.InmyforlornstateIbecamequiteattachedtothefamily,andusedtowalkabout,busywithMrs.Micawber'scalculationsofwaysandmeans,andheavywiththeweightofMr.Micawber'sdebts.OnaSaturdaynight,whichwasmygrandtreat,-partlybecauseitwasagreatthingtowalkhomewithsixorsevenshillingsinmypocket,lookingintotheshopsandthinkingwhatsuchasumwouldbuy,andpartlybecauseIwenthomeearly,-Mrs.Micawberwouldmakethemostheart-rendingconfidencestome;alsoonaSundaymorning,whenImixedtheportionofteaorcoffeeIhadboughtover-night,inalittleshaving-pot,andsatlateatmybreakfast.ItwasnothingatallunusualforMr.MicawbertosobviolentlyatthebeginningofoneoftheseSaturdaynightconversations,andsingaboutjack'sdelightbeinghislovelyNan,towardstheendofit.Ihaveknownhimcomehometosupperwithafloodoftears,andadeclarationthatnothingwasnowleftbutajail;andgotobedmakingacalculationoftheexpenseofputtingbow-windowstothehouse,'incaseanythingturnedup',whichwashisfavouriteexpression.AndMrs.Micawberwasjustthesame.Acuriousequalityoffriendship,originating,Isuppose,inourrespectivecircumstances,sprungupbetweenmeandthesepeople,notwithstandingtheludicrousdisparityinouryears.ButInever
allowedmyselftobeprevailedupontoacceptanyinvitationtoeatanddrinkwiththemoutoftheirstock(knowingthattheygotonbadlywiththebutcherandbaker,andhadoftennottoomuchforthemselves),untilMrs.Micawbertookmeintoherentireconfidence.Thisshedidoneeveningasfollows:'MasterCopperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,'Imakenostrangerofyou,andthereforedonothesitatetosaythatMr.Micawber'sdifficultiesarecomingtoacrisis.'Itmademeverymiserabletohearit,andIlookedatMrs.Micawber'sredeyeswiththeutmostsympathy.'WiththeexceptionoftheheelofaDutchcheese-whichisnotadaptedtothewantsofayoungfamily'-saidMrs.Micawber,'thereisreallynotascrapofanythinginthelarder.IwasaccustomedtospeakofthelarderwhenIlivedwithpapaandmama,andIusethewordalmostunconsciously.WhatImeantoexpressis,thatthereisnothingtoeatinthehouse.''Dearme!'Isaid,ingreatconcern.Ihadtwoorthreeshillingsofmyweek'smoneyinmypocket-from
whichIpresumethatitmusthavebeenonaWednesdaynightwhenweheldthisconversation-andIhastilyproducedthem,andwithheartfeltemotionbeggedMrs.Micawbertoacceptofthemasaloan.Butthatlady,kissingme,andmakingmeputthembackinmypocket,repliedthatshecouldn'tthinkofit.'No,mydearMasterCopperfield,'saidshe,'farbeitfrommythoughts!Butyouhaveadiscretionbeyondyouryears,andcanrendermeanotherkindofservice,ifyouwill;andaserviceIwillthankfullyacceptof.'IbeggedMrs.Micawbertonameit.'Ihavepartedwiththeplatemyself,'saidMrs.Micawber.'Sixtea,twosalt,andapairofsugars,Ihaveatdifferenttimesborrowedmoneyon,insecret,withmyownhands.Butthetwinsareagreattie;andtome,withmyrecollections,ofpapaandmama,thesetransactionsareverypainful.Therearestillafewtriflesthatwecouldpartwith.Mr.Micawber'sfeelingswouldneverallowhimtodisposeofthem;andClickett'-thiswasthegirlfromtheworkhouse-'beingofavulgarmind,wouldtakepainfullibertiesifsomuchconfidencewasreposedinher.MasterCopperfield,ifImightaskyou-'
IunderstoodMrs.Micawbernow,andbeggedhertomakeuseofmetoanyextent.Ibegantodisposeofthemoreportablearticlesofpropertythatveryevening;andwentoutonasimilarexpeditionalmosteverymorning,beforeIwenttoMurdstoneandGrinby's.Mr.Micawberhadafewbooksonalittlechiffonier,whichhecalledthelibrary;andthosewentfirst.Icarriedthem,oneafteranother,toabookstallintheCityRoad-onepartofwhich,nearourhouse,wasalmostallbookstallsandbirdshopsthen-andsoldthemforwhatevertheywouldbring.Thekeeperofthisbookstall,wholivedinalittlehousebehindit,usedtogettipsyeverynight,andtobeviolentlyscoldedbyhiswifeeverymorning.Morethanonce,whenIwentthereearly,Ihadaudienceofhiminaturn-upbedstead,withacutinhisforeheadorablackeye,bearingwitnesstohisexcessesover-night(Iamafraidhewasquarrelsomeinhisdrink),andhe,withashakinghand,endeavouringtofindtheneedfulshillingsinoneorotherofthepocketsofhisclothes,whichlayuponthefloor,whilehiswife,withababyinherarmsandhershoesdownatheel,neverleftoffratinghim.Sometimeshehadlosthismoney,andthenhewouldaskmetocallagain;buthiswifehadalwaysgotsome-hadtakenhis,Idaresay,whilehewasdrunk-andsecretlycompletedthebargain
onthestairs,aswewentdowntogether.Atthepawnbroker'sshop,too,Ibegantobeverywellknown.Theprincipalgentlemanwhoofficiatedbehindthecounter,tookagooddealofnoticeofme;andoftengotme,Irecollect,todeclineaLatinnounoradjective,ortoconjugateaLatinverb,inhisear,whilehetransactedmybusiness.AfteralltheseoccasionsMrs.Micawbermadealittletreat,whichwasgenerallyasupper;andtherewasapeculiarrelishinthesemealswhichIwellremember.AtlastMr.Micawber'sdifficultiescametoacrisis,andhewasarrestedearlyonemorning,andcarriedovertotheKing'sBenchPrisonintheBorough.Hetoldme,ashewentoutofthehouse,thattheGodofdayhadnowgonedownuponhim-andIreallythoughthisheartwasbrokenandminetoo.ButIheard,afterwards,thathewasseentoplayalivelygameatskittles,beforenoon.OnthefirstSundayafterhewastakenthere,Iwastogoandseehim,andhavedinnerwithhim.Iwastoaskmywaytosuchaplace,andjustshortofthatplaceIshouldseesuchanotherplace,andjustshortofthatIshouldseeayard,whichIwastocross,andkeepstraightonuntilIsawaturnkey.AllthisIdid;andwhenatlastIdidseeaturnkey(poorlittlefellowthatI
was!),andthoughthow,whenRoderickRandomwasinadebtors'prison,therewasamantherewithnothingonhimbutanoldrug,theturnkeyswambeforemydimmedeyesandmybeatingheart.Mr.Micawberwaswaitingformewithinthegate,andwewentuptohisroom(topstorybutone),andcriedverymuch.Hesolemnlyconjuredme,Iremember,totakewarningbyhisfate;andtoobservethatifamanhadtwentypoundsa-yearforhisincome,andspentnineteenpoundsnineteenshillingsandsixpence,hewouldbehappy,butthatifhespenttwentypoundsonehewouldbemiserable.Afterwhichheborrowedashillingofmeforporter,gavemeawrittenorderonMrs.Micawberfortheamount,andputawayhispocket-handkerchief,andcheeredup.Wesatbeforealittlefire,withtwobricksputwithintherustedgrate,oneoneachside,topreventitsburningtoomanycoals;untilanotherdebtor,whosharedtheroomwithMr.Micawber,cameinfromthebakehousewiththeloinofmuttonwhichwasourjoint-stockrepast.ThenIwassentupto'CaptainHopkins'intheroomoverhead,withMr.Micawber'scompliments,andIwashisyoungfriend,andwouldCaptainHopkinslendmeaknifeandfork.CaptainHopkinslentmetheknifeandfork,withhiscomplimentsto
Mr.Micawber.Therewasaverydirtyladyinhislittleroom,andtwowangirls,hisdaughters,withshockheadsofhair.IthoughtitwasbettertoborrowCaptainHopkins'sknifeandfork,thanCaptainHopkins'scomb.TheCaptainhimselfwasinthelastextremityofshabbiness,withlargewhiskers,andanold,oldbrowngreat-coatwithnoothercoatbelowit.Isawhisbedrolledupinacorner;andwhatplatesanddishesandpotshehad,onashelf;andIdivined(Godknowshow)thatthoughthetwogirlswiththeshockheadsofhairwereCaptainHopkins'schildren,thedirtyladywasnotmarriedtoCaptainHopkins.Mytimidstationonhisthresholdwasnotoccupiedmorethanacoupleofminutesatmost;butIcamedownagainwithallthisinmyknowledge,assurelyastheknifeandforkwereinmyhand.Therewassomethinggipsy-likeandagreeableinthedinner,afterall.ItookbackCaptainHopkins'sknifeandforkearlyintheafternoon,andwenthometocomfortMrs.Micawberwithanaccountofmyvisit.Shefaintedwhenshesawmereturn,andmadealittlejugofegg-hotafterwardstoconsoleuswhilewetalkeditover.Idon'tknowhowthehouseholdfurniturecametobesoldforthefamilybenefit,orwhosoldit,exceptthatIdidnot.Solditwas,however,andcarriedawayinavan;exceptthebed,afew
chairs,andthekitchentable.Withthesepossessionsweencamped,asitwere,inthetwoparloursoftheemptiedhouseinWindsorTerrace;Mrs.Micawber,thechildren,theOrfling,andmyself;andlivedinthoseroomsnightandday.Ihavenoideaforhowlong,thoughitseemstomeforalongtime.AtlastMrs.Micawberresolvedtomoveintotheprison,whereMr.Micawberhadnowsecuredaroomtohimself.SoItookthekeyofthehousetothelandlord,whowasverygladtogetit;andthebedsweresentovertotheKing'sBench,exceptmine,forwhichalittleroomwashiredoutsidethewallsintheneighbourhoodofthatInstitution,verymuchtomysatisfaction,sincetheMicawbersandIhadbecometoousedtooneanother,inourtroubles,topart.TheOrflingwaslikewiseaccommodatedwithaninexpensivelodginginthesameneighbourhood.Minewasaquietback-garretwithaslopingroof,commandingapleasantprospectofatimberyard;andwhenItookpossessionofit,withthereflectionthatMr.Micawber'stroubleshadcometoacrisisatlast,Ithoughtitquiteaparadise.AllthistimeIwasworkingatMurdstoneandGrinby'sinthesamecommonway,andwiththesamecommoncompanions,andwiththesamesenseofunmeriteddegradationasatfirst.ButInever,happilyformenodoubt,madeasingleacquaintance,orspoketoanyofthemanyboyswhomIsawdailyingoingtothewarehouse,incoming
fromit,andinprowlingaboutthestreetsatmeal-times.Iledthesamesecretlyunhappylife;butIleditinthesamelonely,self-reliantmanner.TheonlychangesIamconsciousofare,firstly,thatIhadgrownmoreshabby,andsecondly,thatIwasnowrelievedofmuchoftheweightofMr.andMrs.Micawber'scares;forsomerelativesorfriendshadengagedtohelpthemattheirpresentpass,andtheylivedmorecomfortablyintheprisonthantheyhadlivedforalongwhileoutofit.Iusedtobreakfastwiththemnow,invirtueofsomearrangement,ofwhichIhaveforgottenthedetails.Iforget,too,atwhathourthegateswereopenedinthemorning,admittingofmygoingin;butIknowthatIwasoftenupatsixo'clock,andthatmyfavouritelounging-placeintheintervalwasoldLondonBridge,whereIwaswonttositinoneofthestonerecesses,watchingthepeoplegoingby,ortolookoverthebalustradesatthesunshininginthewater,andlightingupthegoldenflameonthetopoftheMonument.TheOrflingmetmeheresometimes,tobetoldsomeastonishingfictionsrespectingthewharvesandtheTower;ofwhichIcansaynomorethanthatIhopeIbelievedthemmyself.IntheeveningIusedtogobacktotheprison,andwalkupanddowntheparadewithMr.Micawber;orplaycasinowithMrs.Micawber,andhearreminiscencesofherpapaandmama.WhetherMr.MurdstoneknewwhereIwas,Iamunabletosay.InevertoldthematMurdstoneandGrinby's.
Mr.Micawber'saffairs,althoughpasttheircrisis,wereverymuchinvolvedbyreasonofacertain'Deed',ofwhichIusedtohearagreatdeal,andwhichIsuppose,now,tohavebeensomeformercompositionwithhiscreditors,thoughIwassofarfrombeingclearaboutitthen,thatIamconsciousofhavingconfoundeditwiththosedemoniacalparchmentswhichareheldtohave,onceuponatime,obtainedtoagreatextentinGermany.Atlastthisdocumentappearedtobegotoutoftheway,somehow;atalleventsitceasedtobetherock-aheadithadbeen;andMrs.Micawberinformedmethat'herfamily'haddecidedthatMr.MicawbershouldapplyforhisreleaseundertheInsolventDebtorsAct,whichwouldsethimfree,sheexpected,inaboutsixweeks.'Andthen,'saidMr.Micawber,whowaspresent,'IhavenodoubtIshall,pleaseHeaven,begintobebeforehandwiththeworld,andtoliveinaperfectlynewmanner,if-inshort,ifanythingturnsup.'Bywayofgoinginforanythingthatmightbeonthecards,IcalltomindthatMr.Micawber,aboutthistime,composedapetitiontotheHouseofCommons,prayingforanalterationinthelawofimprisonmentfordebt.Isetdownthisremembrancehere,because
itisaninstancetomyselfofthemannerinwhichIfittedmyoldbookstomyalteredlife,andmadestoriesformyself,outofthestreets,andoutofmenandwomen;andhowsomemainpointsinthecharacterIshallunconsciouslydevelop,Isuppose,inwritingmylife,weregraduallyformingallthiswhile.Therewasaclubintheprison,inwhichMr.Micawber,asagentleman,wasagreatauthority.Mr.Micawberhadstatedhisideaofthispetitiontotheclub,andtheclubhadstronglyapprovedofthesame.WhereforeMr.Micawber(whowasathoroughlygood-naturedman,andasactiveacreatureabouteverythingbuthisownaffairsaseverexisted,andneversohappyaswhenhewasbusyaboutsomethingthatcouldneverbeofanyprofittohim)settoworkatthepetition,inventedit,engrosseditonanimmensesheetofpaper,spreaditoutonatable,andappointedatimeforalltheclub,andallwithinthewallsiftheychose,tocomeuptohisroomandsignit.WhenIheardofthisapproachingceremony,Iwassoanxioustoseethemallcomein,oneafteranother,thoughIknewthegreaterpartofthemalready,andtheyme,thatIgotanhour'sleaveofabsencefromMurdstoneandGrinby's,andestablishedmyselfinacornerforthatpurpose.Asmanyoftheprincipalmembersoftheclubas
couldbegotintothesmallroomwithoutfillingit,supportedMr.Micawberinfrontofthepetition,whilemyoldfriendCaptainHopkins(whohadwashedhimself,todohonourtososolemnanoccasion)stationedhimselfclosetoit,toreadittoallwhowereunacquaintedwithitscontents.Thedoorwasthenthrownopen,andthegeneralpopulationbegantocomein,inalongfile:severalwaitingoutside,whileoneentered,affixedhissignature,andwentout.Toeverybodyinsuccession,CaptainHopkinssaid:'Haveyoureadit?'-'No.'-'Wouldyouliketohearitread?'Ifheweaklyshowedtheleastdispositiontohearit,CaptainHopkins,inaloudsonorousvoice,gavehimeverywordofit.TheCaptainwouldhavereadittwentythousandtimes,iftwentythousandpeoplewouldhaveheardhim,onebyone.Irememberacertainlusciousrollhegavetosuchphrasesas'Thepeople'srepresentativesinParliamentassembled,''Yourpetitionersthereforehumblyapproachyourhonourablehouse,''HisgraciousMajesty'sunfortunatesubjects,'asifthewordsweresomethingrealinhismouth,anddelicioustotaste;Mr.Micawber,meanwhile,listeningwithalittleofanauthor'svanity,andcontemplating(notseverely)thespikesontheoppositewall.AsIwalkedtoandfrodailybetweenSouthwarkandBlackfriars,andloungedaboutatmeal-timesinobscurestreets,thestonesofwhich
may,foranythingIknow,bewornatthismomentbymychildishfeet,Iwonderhowmanyofthesepeoplewerewantinginthecrowdthatusedtocomefilingbeforemeinreviewagain,totheechoofCaptainHopkins'svoice!Whenmythoughtsgoback,now,tothatslowagonyofmyyouth,IwonderhowmuchofthehistoriesIinventedforsuchpeoplehangslikeamistoffancyoverwell-rememberedfacts!WhenItreadtheoldground,IdonotwonderthatIseemtoseeandpity,goingonbeforeme,aninnocentromanticboy,makinghisimaginativeworldoutofsuchstrangeexperiencesandsordidthings!CHAPTER12LIKINGLIFEONMYOWNACCOUNTNOBETTER,IFORMAGREATRESOLUTIONInduetime,Mr.Micawber'spetitionwasripeforhearing;andthatgentlemanwasorderedtobedischargedundertheAct,tomygreatjoy.Hiscreditorswerenotimplacable;andMrs.Micawberinformedmethateventherevengefulboot-makerhaddeclaredinopencourtthatheborehimnomalice,butthatwhenmoneywasowingtohimhelikedtobepaid.Hesaidhethoughtitwashumannature.
MrMicawberreturnedtotheKing'sBenchwhenhiscasewasover,assomefeesweretobesettled,andsomeformalitiesobserved,beforehecouldbeactuallyreleased.Theclubreceivedhimwithtransport,andheldanharmonicmeetingthateveninginhishonour;whileMrs.MicawberandIhadalamb'sfryinprivate,surroundedbythesleepingfamily.'OnsuchanoccasionIwillgiveyou,MasterCopperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,'inalittlemoreflip,'forwehadbeenhavingsomealready,'thememoryofmypapaandmama.''Aretheydead,ma'am?'Iinquired,afterdrinkingthetoastinawine-glass.'Mymamadepartedthislife,'saidMrs.Micawber,'beforeMr.Micawber'sdifficultiescommenced,oratleastbeforetheybecamepressing.MypapalivedtobailMr.Micawberseveraltimes,andthenexpired,regrettedbyanumerouscircle.'Mrs.Micawbershookherhead,anddroppedapioustearuponthetwinwhohappenedtobeinhand.
AsIcouldhardlyhopeforamorefavourableopportunityofputtingaquestioninwhichIhadanearinterest,IsaidtoMrs.Micawber:'MayIask,ma'am,whatyouandMr.Micawberintendtodo,nowthatMr.Micawberisoutofhisdifficulties,andatliberty?Haveyousettledyet?''Myfamily,'saidMrs.Micawber,whoalwayssaidthosetwowordswithanair,thoughInevercoulddiscoverwhocameunderthedenomination,'myfamilyareofopinionthatMr.MicawbershouldquitLondon,andexerthistalentsinthecountry.Mr.Micawberisamanofgreattalent,MasterCopperfield.'IsaidIwassureofthat.'Ofgreattalent,'repeatedMrs.Micawber.'Myfamilyareofopinion,that,withalittleinterest,somethingmightbedoneforamanofhisabilityintheCustomHouse.Theinfluenceofmyfamilybeinglocal,itistheirwishthatMr.MicawbershouldgodowntoPlymouth.Theythinkitindispensablethatheshouldbeuponthespot.''Thathemaybeready?'Isuggested.
'Exactly,'returnedMrs.Micawber.'Thathemaybeready-incaseofanythingturningup.''Anddoyougotoo,ma'am?'Theeventsoftheday,incombinationwiththetwins,ifnotwiththeflip,hadmadeMrs.Micawberhysterical,andsheshedtearsasshereplied:'IneverwilldesertMr.Micawber.Mr.Micawbermayhaveconcealedhisdifficultiesfrommeinthefirstinstance,buthissanguinetempermayhaveledhimtoexpectthathewouldovercomethem.ThepearlnecklaceandbraceletswhichIinheritedfrommama,havebeendisposedofforlessthanhalftheirvalue;andthesetofcoral,whichwastheweddinggiftofmypapa,hasbeenactuallythrownawayfornothing.ButIneverwilldesertMr.Micawber.No!'criedMrs.Micawber,moreaffectedthanbefore,'Ineverwilldoit!It'sofnouseaskingme!'Ifeltquiteuncomfortable-asifMrs.MicawbersupposedIhadaskedhertodoanythingofthesort!-andsatlookingatherinalarm.
'Mr.Micawberhashisfaults.Idonotdenythatheisimprovident.Idonotdenythathehaskeptmeinthedarkastohisresourcesandhisliabilitiesboth,'shewenton,lookingatthewall;'butIneverwilldesertMr.Micawber!'Mrs.Micawberhavingnowraisedhervoiceintoaperfectscream,IwassofrightenedthatIranofftotheclub-room,anddisturbedMr.Micawberintheactofpresidingatalongtable,andleadingthechorusofGeeup,Dobbin,Geeho,Dobbin,Geeup,Dobbin,Geeup,andgeeho-o-o!withthetidingsthatMrs.Micawberwasinanalarmingstate,uponwhichheimmediatelyburstintotears,andcameawaywithmewithhiswaistcoatfulloftheheadsandtailsofshrimps,ofwhichhehadbeenpartaking.'Emma,myangel!'criedMr.Micawber,runningintotheroom;'whatisthematter?'
'Ineverwilldesertyou,Micawber!'sheexclaimed.'Mylife!'saidMr.Micawber,takingherinhisarms.'Iamperfectlyawareofit.''Heistheparentofmychildren!Heisthefatherofmytwins!Heisthehusbandofmyaffections,'criedMrs.Micawber,struggling;'andIne-ver-will-desertMr.Micawber!'Mr.Micawberwassodeeplyaffectedbythisproofofherdevotion(astome,Iwasdissolvedintears),thathehungoverherinapassionatemanner,imploringhertolookup,andtobecalm.ButthemoreheaskedMrs.Micawbertolookup,themoreshefixedhereyesonnothing;andthemoreheaskedhertocomposeherself,themoreshewouldn't.ConsequentlyMr.Micawberwassoonsoovercome,thathemingledhistearswithhersandmine;untilhebeggedmetodohimthefavouroftakingachaironthestaircase,whilehegotherintobed.Iwouldhavetakenmyleaveforthenight,buthewouldnothearofmydoingthatuntilthestrangers'bellshouldring.SoIsatatthestaircasewindow,untilhecameoutwithanotherchairandjoinedme.
'HowisMrs.Micawbernow,sir?'Isaid.'Verylow,'saidMr.Micawber,shakinghishead;'reaction.Ah,thishasbeenadreadfulday!Westandalonenow-everythingisgonefromus!'Mr.Micawberpressedmyhand,andgroaned,andafterwardsshedtears.Iwasgreatlytouched,anddisappointedtoo,forIhadexpectedthatweshouldbequitegayonthishappyandlong-looked-foroccasion.ButMr.andMrs.Micawberweresousedtotheirolddifficulties,Ithink,thattheyfeltquiteshipwreckedwhentheycametoconsiderthattheywerereleasedfromthem.Alltheirelasticitywasdeparted,andIneversawthemhalfsowretchedasonthisnight;insomuchthatwhenthebellrang,andMr.Micawberwalkedwithmetothelodge,andpartedfrommetherewithablessing,Ifeltquiteafraidtoleavehimbyhimself,hewassoprofoundlymiserable.Butthroughalltheconfusionandlownessofspiritsinwhichwehadbeen,sounexpectedlytome,involved,IplainlydiscernedthatMr.andMrs.MicawberandtheirfamilyweregoingawayfromLondon,andthatapartingbetweenuswasnearathand.Itwasinmywalkhomethatnight,andinthesleeplesshourswhichfollowedwhenI
layinbed,thatthethoughtfirstoccurredtome-thoughIdon'tknowhowitcameintomyhead-whichafterwardsshapeditselfintoasettledresolution.IhadgrowntobesoaccustomedtotheMicawbers,andhadbeensointimatewiththemintheirdistresses,andwassoutterlyfriendlesswithoutthem,thattheprospectofbeingthrownuponsomenewshiftforalodging,andgoingoncemoreamongunknownpeople,waslikebeingthatmomentturnedadriftintomypresentlife,withsuchaknowledgeofitreadymadeasexperiencehadgivenme.Allthesensitivefeelingsitwoundedsocruelly,alltheshameandmiseryitkeptalivewithinmybreast,becamemorepoignantasIthoughtofthis;andIdeterminedthatthelifewasunendurable.Thattherewasnohopeofescapefromit,unlesstheescapewasmyownact,Iknewquitewell.IrarelyheardfromMissMurdstone,andneverfromMr.Murdstone:buttwoorthreeparcelsofmadeormendedclotheshadcomeupforme,consignedtoMr.Quinion,andineachtherewasascrapofpapertotheeffectthatJ.M.trustedD.C.wasapplyinghimselftobusiness,anddevotinghimselfwhollytohisduties-nottheleasthintofmyeverbeinganythingelsethanthecommondrudgeintowhichIwasfastsettlingdown.
Theverynextdayshowedme,whilemymindwasinthefirstagitationofwhatithadconceived,thatMrs.Micawberhadnotspokenoftheirgoingawaywithoutwarrant.TheytookalodginginthehousewhereIlived,foraweek;attheexpirationofwhichtimetheyweretostartforPlymouth.Mr.Micawberhimselfcamedowntothecounting-house,intheafternoon,totellMr.Quinionthathemustrelinquishmeonthedayofhisdeparture,andtogivemeahighcharacter,whichIamsureIdeserved.AndMr.Quinion,callinginTippthecarman,whowasamarriedman,andhadaroomtolet,quarteredmeprospectivelyonhim-byourmutualconsent,ashehadeveryreasontothink;forIsaidnothing,thoughmyresolutionwasnowtaken.IpassedmyeveningswithMr.andMrs.Micawber,duringtheremainingtermofourresidenceunderthesameroof;andIthinkwebecamefonderofoneanotherasthetimewenton.OnthelastSunday,theyinvitedmetodinner;andwehadaloinofporkandapplesauce,andapudding.Ihadboughtaspottedwoodenhorseover-nightasapartinggifttolittleWilkinsMicawber-thatwastheboy-andadollforlittleEmma.IhadalsobestowedashillingontheOrfling,whowasabouttobedisbanded.
Wehadaverypleasantday,thoughwewereallinatenderstateaboutourapproachingseparation.'Ishallnever,MasterCopperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,'reverttotheperiodwhenMr.Micawberwasindifficulties,withoutthinkingofyou.Yourconducthasalwaysbeenofthemostdelicateandobligingdescription.Youhaveneverbeenalodger.Youhavebeenafriend.''Mydear,'saidMr.Micawber;'Copperfield,'forsohehadbeenaccustomedtocallme,oflate,'hasahearttofeelforthedistressesofhisfellow-creatureswhentheyarebehindacloud,andaheadtoplan,andahandto-inshort,ageneralabilitytodisposeofsuchavailablepropertyascouldbemadeawaywith.'Iexpressedmysenseofthiscommendation,andsaidIwasverysorryweweregoingtoloseoneanother.'Mydearyoungfriend,'saidMr.Micawber,'Iamolderthanyou;amanofsomeexperienceinlife,and-andofsomeexperience,inshort,indifficulties,generallyspeaking.Atpresent,anduntilsomethingturnsup(whichIam,Imaysay,hourlyexpecting),Ihavenothingtobestowbutadvice.Stillmyadviceissofarworth
taking,that-inshort,thatIhavenevertakenitmyself,andamthe'-hereMr.Micawber,whohadbeenbeamingandsmiling,alloverhisheadandface,uptothepresentmoment,checkedhimselfandfrowned-'themiserablewretchyoubehold.''MydearMicawber!'urgedhiswife.'Isay,'returnedMr.Micawber,quiteforgettinghimself,andsmilingagain,'themiserablewretchyoubehold.Myadviceis,neverdotomorrowwhatyoucandotoday.Procrastinationisthethiefoftime.Collarhim!''Mypoorpapa'smaxim,'Mrs.Micawberobserved.'Mydear,'saidMr.Micawber,'yourpapawasverywellinhisway,andHeavenforbidthatIshoulddisparagehim.Takehimforallinall,wene'ershall-inshort,maketheacquaintance,probably,ofanybodyelsepossessing,athistimeoflife,thesamelegsforgaiters,andabletoreadthesamedescriptionofprint,withoutspectacles.Butheappliedthatmaximtoourmarriage,mydear;andthatwassofarprematurelyenteredinto,inconsequence,thatIneverrecoveredtheexpense.'Mr.MicawberlookedasideatMrs.Micawber,andadded:'NotthatIamsorryforit.Quitethe
contrary,mylove.'Afterwhich,hewasgraveforaminuteorso.'Myotherpieceofadvice,Copperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,'youknow.Annualincometwentypounds,annualexpenditurenineteennineteenandsix,resulthappiness.Annualincometwentypounds,annualexpendituretwentypoundsoughtandsix,resultmisery.Theblossomisblighted,theleafiswithered,thegodofdaygoesdownuponthedrearyscene,and-andinshortyouareforeverfloored.AsIam!'Tomakehisexamplethemoreimpressive,Mr.Micawberdrankaglassofpunchwithanairofgreatenjoymentandsatisfaction,andwhistledtheCollegeHornpipe.IdidnotfailtoassurehimthatIwouldstorethesepreceptsinmymind,thoughindeedIhadnoneedtodoso,for,atthetime,theyaffectedmevisibly.NextmorningImetthewholefamilyatthecoachoffice,andsawthem,withadesolateheart,taketheirplacesoutside,attheback.'MasterCopperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,'Godblessyou!Inevercanforgetallthat,youknow,andIneverwouldifIcould.'
'Copperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,'farewell!Everyhappinessandprosperity!If,intheprogressofrevolvingyears,Icouldpersuademyselfthatmyblighteddestinyhadbeenawarningtoyou,IshouldfeelthatIhadnotoccupiedanotherman'splaceinexistencealtogetherinvain.Incaseofanythingturningup(ofwhichIamratherconfident),Ishallbeextremelyhappyifitshouldbeinmypowertoimproveyourprospects.'Ithink,asMrs.Micawbersatatthebackofthecoach,withthechildren,andIstoodintheroadlookingwistfullyatthem,amistclearedfromhereyes,andshesawwhatalittlecreatureIreallywas.Ithinkso,becauseshebeckonedtometoclimbup,withquiteanewandmotherlyexpressioninherface,andputherarmroundmyneck,andgavemejustsuchakissasshemighthavegiventoherownboy.Ihadbarelytimetogetdownagainbeforethecoachstarted,andIcouldhardlyseethefamilyforthehandkerchiefstheywaved.Itwasgoneinaminute.TheOrflingandIstoodlookingvacantlyateachotherinthemiddleoftheroad,andthenshookhandsandsaidgood-bye;shegoingback,Isuppose,toSt.Luke'sworkhouse,asIwenttobeginmywearydayatMurdstoneandGrinby's.Butwithnointentionofpassingmanymorewearydaysthere.No.
Ihadresolvedtorunaway.-Togo,bysomemeansorother,downintothecountry,totheonlyrelationIhadintheworld,andtellmystorytomyaunt,MissBetsey.IhavealreadyobservedthatIdon'tknowhowthisdesperateideacameintomybrain.But,oncethere,itremainedthere;andhardenedintoapurposethanwhichIhaveneverentertainedamoredeterminedpurposeinmylife.IamfarfromsurethatIbelievedtherewasanythinghopefulinit,butmymindwasthoroughlymadeupthatitmustbecarriedintoexecution.Again,andagain,andahundredtimesagain,sincethenightwhenthethoughthadfirstoccurredtomeandbanishedsleep,Ihadgoneoverthatoldstoryofmypoormother'saboutmybirth,whichithadbeenoneofmygreatdelightsintheoldtimetohearhertell,andwhichIknewbyheart.Myauntwalkedintothatstory,andwalkedoutofit,adreadandawfulpersonage;buttherewasonelittletraitinherbehaviourwhichIlikedtodwellon,andwhichgavemesomefaintshadowofencouragement.Icouldnotforgethowmymotherhadthoughtthatshefelthertouchherprettyhairwithnoungentlehand;andthoughitmighthavebeenaltogethermymother'sfancy,andmighthavehadnofoundationwhateverinfact,Imadealittlepicture,outofit,ofmyterribleauntrelentingtowardsthegirlishbeautythatIrecollectedsowellandlovedso
much,whichsoftenedthewholenarrative.Itisverypossiblethatithadbeeninmymindalongtime,andhadgraduallyengenderedmydetermination.AsIdidnotevenknowwhereMissBetseylived,IwrotealonglettertoPeggotty,andaskedher,incidentally,ifsheremembered;pretendingthatIhadheardofsuchaladylivingatacertainplaceInamedatrandom,andhadacuriositytoknowifitwerethesame.Inthecourseofthatletter,ItoldPeggottythatIhadaparticularoccasionforhalfaguinea;andthatifshecouldlendmethatsumuntilIcouldrepayit,Ishouldbeverymuchobligedtoher,andwouldtellherafterwardswhatIhadwanteditfor.Peggotty'sanswersoonarrived,andwas,asusual,fullofaffectionatedevotion.Sheenclosedthehalfguinea(IwasafraidshemusthavehadaworldoftroubletogetitoutofMr.Barkis'sbox),andtoldmethatMissBetseylivednearDover,butwhetheratDoveritself,atHythe,Sandgate,orFolkestone,shecouldnotsay.Oneofourmen,however,informingmeonmyaskinghimabouttheseplaces,thattheywereallclosetogether,Ideemedthisenoughformyobject,andresolvedtosetoutattheendofthatweek.Beingaveryhonestlittlecreature,andunwillingtodisgracethe
memoryIwasgoingtoleavebehindmeatMurdstoneandGrinby's,IconsideredmyselfboundtoremainuntilSaturdaynight;and,asIhadbeenpaidaweek'swagesinadvancewhenIfirstcamethere,nottopresentmyselfinthecounting-houseattheusualhour,toreceivemystipend.Forthisexpressreason,Ihadborrowedthehalf-guinea,thatImightnotbewithoutafundformytravelling-expenses.Accordingly,whentheSaturdaynightcame,andwewereallwaitinginthewarehousetobepaid,andTippthecarman,whoalwaystookprecedence,wentinfirsttodrawhismoney,IshookMickWalkerbythehand;askedhim,whenitcametohisturntobepaid,tosaytoMr.QuinionthatIhadgonetomovemyboxtoTipp's;and,biddingalastgoodnighttoMealyPotatoes,ranaway.Myboxwasatmyoldlodging,overthewater,andIhadwrittenadirectionforitonthebackofoneofouraddresscardsthatwenailedonthecasks:'MasterDavid,tobelefttillcalledfor,attheCoachOffice,Dover.'ThisIhadinmypocketreadytoputonthebox,afterIshouldhavegotitoutofthehouse;andasIwenttowardsmylodging,Ilookedaboutmeforsomeonewhowouldhelpmetocarryittothebooking-office.Therewasalong-leggedyoungmanwithaverylittleempty
donkey-cart,standingneartheObelisk,intheBlackfriarsRoad,whoseeyeIcaughtasIwasgoingby,andwho,addressingmeas'Sixpenn'orthofbadha'pence,'hoped'Ishouldknowhimagintoswearto'-inallusion,Ihavenodoubt,tomystaringathim.IstoppedtoassurehimthatIhadnotdonesoinbadmanners,butuncertainwhetherhemightormightnotlikeajob.'Wotjob?'saidthelong-leggedyoungman.'Tomoveabox,'Ianswered.'Wotbox?'saidthelong-leggedyoungman.Itoldhimmine,whichwasdownthatstreetthere,andwhichIwantedhimtotaketotheDovercoachofficeforsixpence.'Donewithyouforatanner!'saidthelong-leggedyoungman,anddirectlygotuponhiscart,whichwasnothingbutalargewoodentrayonwheels,andrattledawayatsucharate,thatitwasasmuchasIcoulddotokeeppacewiththedonkey.Therewasadefiantmanneraboutthisyoungman,andparticularlyaboutthewayinwhichhechewedstrawashespoketome,thatI
didnotmuchlike;asthebargainwasmade,however,ItookhimupstairstotheroomIwasleaving,andwebroughttheboxdown,andputitonhiscart.Now,Iwasunwillingtoputthedirection-cardonthere,lestanyofmylandlord'sfamilyshouldfathomwhatIwasdoing,anddetainme;soIsaidtotheyoungmanthatIwouldbegladifhewouldstopforaminute,whenhecametothedead-walloftheKing'sBenchprison.Thewordswerenosooneroutofmymouth,thanherattledawayasifhe,mybox,thecart,andthedonkey,wereallequallymad;andIwasquiteoutofbreathwithrunningandcallingafterhim,whenIcaughthimattheplaceappointed.Beingmuchflushedandexcited,Itumbledmyhalf-guineaoutofmypocketinpullingthecardout.Iputitinmymouthforsafety,andthoughmyhandstrembledagooddeal,hadjusttiedthecardonverymuchtomysatisfaction,whenIfeltmyselfviolentlychuckedunderthechinbythelong-leggedyoungman,andsawmyhalf-guineaflyoutofmymouthintohishand.'Wot!'saidtheyoungman,seizingmebymyjacketcollar,withafrightfulgrin.'Thisisapolliscase,isit?You'rea-goingtobolt,areyou?Cometothepollis,youyoungwarmin,cometothepollis!'
'Yougivememymoneyback,ifyouplease,'saidI,verymuchfrightened;'andleavemealone.''Cometothepollis!'saidtheyoungman.'Youshallproveityourntothepollis.''Givememyboxandmoney,willyou,'Icried,burstingintotears.Theyoungmanstillreplied:'Cometothepollis!'andwasdraggingmeagainstthedonkeyinaviolentmanner,asiftherewereanyaffinitybetweenthatanimalandamagistrate,whenhechangedhismind,jumpedintothecart,satuponmybox,and,exclaimingthathewoulddrivetothepollisstraight,rattledawayharderthanever.IranafterhimasfastasIcould,butIhadnobreathtocalloutwith,andshouldnothavedaredtocallout,now,ifIhad.Inarrowlyescapedbeingrunover,twentytimesatleast,inhalfamile.NowIlosthim,nowIsawhim,nowIlosthim,nowIwascutatwithawhip,nowshoutedat,nowdowninthemud,nowupagain,nowrunningintosomebody'sarms,nowrunningheadlongatapost.Atlength,confusedbyfrightandheat,anddoubtingwhetherhalf
Londonmightnotbythistimebeturningoutformyapprehension,Ilefttheyoungmantogowherehewouldwithmyboxandmoney;and,pantingandcrying,butneverstopping,facedaboutforGreenwich,whichIhadunderstoodwasontheDoverRoad:takingverylittlemoreoutoftheworld,towardstheretreatofmyaunt,MissBetsey,thanIhadbroughtintoit,onthenightwhenmyarrivalgavehersomuchumbrage.CHAPTER13THESEQUELOFMYRESOLUTIONForanythingIknow,ImayhavehadsomewildideaofrunningallthewaytoDover,whenIgaveupthepursuitoftheyoungmanwiththedonkey-cart,andstartedforGreenwich.Myscatteredsensesweresooncollectedastothatpoint,ifIhad;forIcametoastopintheKentRoad,ataterracewithapieceofwaterbeforeit,andagreatfoolishimageinthemiddle,blowingadryshell.HereIsatdownonadoorstep,quitespentandexhaustedwiththeeffortsIhadalreadymade,andwithhardlybreathenoughtocryforthelossofmyboxandhalf-guinea.
Itwasbythistimedark;Iheardtheclocksstriketen,asIsatresting.Butitwasasummernight,fortunately,andfineweather.WhenIhadrecoveredmybreath,andhadgotridofastiflingsensationinmythroat,Iroseupandwenton.Inthemidstofmydistress,Ihadnonotionofgoingback.IdoubtifIshouldhavehadany,thoughtherehadbeenaSwisssnow-driftintheKentRoad.Butmystandingpossessedofonlythree-halfpenceintheworld(andIamsureIwonderhowtheycametobeleftinmypocketonaSaturdaynight!)troubledmenonethelessbecauseIwenton.Ibegantopicturetomyself,asascrapofnewspaperintelligence,mybeingfounddeadinadayortwo,undersomehedge;andItrudgedonmiserably,thoughasfastasIcould,untilIhappenedtopassalittleshop,whereitwaswrittenupthatladies'andgentlemen'swardrobeswerebought,andthatthebestpricewasgivenforrags,bones,andkitchen-stuff.Themasterofthisshopwassittingatthedoorinhisshirt-sleeves,smoking;andastherewereagreatmanycoatsandpairsoftrousersdanglingfromthelowceiling,andonlytwofeeblecandlesburninginsidetoshowwhattheywere,Ifanciedthathelookedlikeamanofarevengefuldisposition,whohadhungallhisenemies,andwasenjoyinghimself.
MylateexperienceswithMr.andMrs.Micawbersuggestedtomethatheremightbeameansofkeepingoffthewolfforalittlewhile.Iwentupthenextby-street,tookoffmywaistcoat,rolleditneatlyundermyarm,andcamebacktotheshopdoor.'Ifyouplease,sir,'Isaid,'Iamtosellthisforafairprice.'Mr.Dolloby-Dollobywasthenameovertheshopdoor,atleast-tookthewaistcoat,stoodhispipeonitshead,againstthedoor-post,wentintotheshop,followedbyme,snuffedthetwocandleswithhisfingers,spreadthewaistcoatonthecounter,andlookedatitthere,helditupagainstthelight,andlookedatitthere,andultimatelysaid:'Whatdoyoucallaprice,now,forthisherelittleweskit?''Oh!youknowbest,sir,'Ireturnedmodestly.'Ican'tbebuyerandsellertoo,'saidMr.Dolloby.'Putapriceonthisherelittleweskit.''Wouldeighteenpencebe?'-Ihinted,aftersomehesitation.
Mr.Dollobyrolleditupagain,andgaveitmeback.'Ishouldrobmyfamily,'hesaid,'ifIwastoofferninepenceforit.'Thiswasadisagreeablewayofputtingthebusiness;becauseitimposeduponme,aperfectstranger,theunpleasantnessofaskingMr.Dollobytorobhisfamilyonmyaccount.Mycircumstancesbeingsoverypressing,however,IsaidIwouldtakeninepenceforit,ifhepleased.Mr.Dolloby,notwithoutsomegrumbling,gaveninepence.Iwishedhimgoodnight,andwalkedoutoftheshopthericherbythatsum,andthepoorerbyawaistcoat.ButwhenIbuttonedmyjacket,thatwasnotmuch.Indeed,Iforesawprettyclearlythatmyjacketwouldgonext,andthatIshouldhavetomakethebestofmywaytoDoverinashirtandapairoftrousers,andmightdeemmyselfluckyifIgotthereeveninthattrim.Butmyminddidnotrunsomuchonthisasmightbesupposed.Beyondageneralimpressionofthedistancebeforeme,andoftheyoungmanwiththedonkey-carthavingusedmecruelly,IthinkIhadnoveryurgentsenseofmydifficultieswhenIonceagainsetoffwithmyninepenceinmypocket.Aplanhadoccurredtomeforpassingthenight,whichIwasgoingtocarryintoexecution.Thiswas,toliebehindthewallatthebackofmyoldschool,inacornerwherethereusedtobea
haystack.Iimagineditwouldbeakindofcompanytohavetheboys,andthebedroomwhereIusedtotellthestories,sonearme:althoughtheboyswouldknownothingofmybeingthere,andthebedroomwouldyieldmenoshelter.Ihadhadahardday'swork,andwasprettywelljadedwhenIcameclimbingout,atlast,uponthelevelofBlackheath.ItcostmesometroubletofindoutSalemHouse;butIfoundit,andIfoundahaystackinthecorner,andIlaydownbyit;havingfirstwalkedroundthewall,andlookedupatthewindows,andseenthatallwasdarkandsilentwithin.NevershallIforgetthelonelysensationoffirstlyingdown,withoutaroofabovemyhead!Sleepcameuponmeasitcameonmanyotheroutcasts,againstwhomhouse-doorswerelocked,andhouse-dogsbarked,thatnight-andIdreamedoflyingonmyoldschool-bed,talkingtotheboysinmyroom;andfoundmyselfsittingupright,withSteerforth'snameuponmylips,lookingwildlyatthestarsthatwereglisteningandglimmeringaboveme.WhenIrememberedwhereIwasatthatuntimelyhour,afeelingstoleuponmethatmademegetup,afraidofIdon'tknowwhat,andwalkabout.Butthefainterglimmeringofthestars,andthepalelightintheskywherethedaywascoming,reassuredme:andmyeyesbeingveryheavy,Ilaydown
againandslept-thoughwithaknowledgeinmysleepthatitwascold-untilthewarmbeamsofthesun,andtheringingofthegetting-upbellatSalemHouse,awokeme.IfIcouldhavehopedthatSteerforthwasthere,Iwouldhavelurkedaboutuntilhecameoutalone;butIknewhemusthaveleftlongsince.Traddlesstillremained,perhaps,butitwasverydoubtful;andIhadnotsufficientconfidenceinhisdiscretionorgoodluck,howeverstrongmyreliancewasonhisgoodnature,towishtotrusthimwithmysituation.SoIcreptawayfromthewallasMr.Creakle'sboysweregettingup,andstruckintothelongdustytrackwhichIhadfirstknowntobetheDoverRoadwhenIwasoneofthem,andwhenIlittleexpectedthatanyeyeswouldeverseemethewayfarerIwasnow,uponit.WhatadifferentSundaymorningfromtheoldSundaymorningatYarmouth!InduetimeIheardthechurch-bellsringing,asIploddedon;andImetpeoplewhoweregoingtochurch;andIpassedachurchortwowherethecongregationwereinside,andthesoundofsingingcameoutintothesunshine,whilethebeadlesatandcooledhimselfintheshadeoftheporch,orstoodbeneaththeyew-tree,withhishandtohisforehead,gloweringatmegoingby.ButthepeaceandrestoftheoldSundaymorningwereoneverything,exceptme.Thatwasthedifference.Ifeltquite
wickedinmydirtanddust,withmytangledhair.ButforthequietpictureIhadconjuredup,ofmymotherinheryouthandbeauty,weepingbythefire,andmyauntrelentingtoher,IhardlythinkIshouldhavehadthecouragetogoonuntilnextday.Butitalwayswentbeforeme,andIfollowed.Igot,thatSunday,throughthree-and-twentymilesonthestraightroad,thoughnotveryeasily,forIwasnewtothatkindoftoil.Iseemyself,aseveningclosesin,comingoverthebridgeatRochester,footsoreandtired,andeatingbreadthatIhadboughtforsupper.Oneortwolittlehouses,withthenotice,'LodgingsforTravellers',hangingout,hadtemptedme;butIwasafraidofspendingthefewpenceIhad,andwasevenmoreafraidoftheviciouslooksofthetrampersIhadmetorovertaken.Isoughtnoshelter,therefore,butthesky;andtoilingintoChatham,-which,inthatnight'saspect,isameredreamofchalk,anddrawbridges,andmastlessshipsinamuddyriver,roofedlikeNoah'sarks,-crept,atlast,uponasortofgrass-grownbatteryoverhangingalane,whereasentrywaswalkingtoandfro.HereIlaydown,nearacannon;and,happyinthesocietyofthesentry'sfootsteps,thoughheknewnomoreofmybeingabovehimthantheboysatSalemHousehadknownofmylyingbythewall,sleptsoundlyuntilmorning.
VerystiffandsoreoffootIwasinthemorning,andquitedazedbythebeatingofdrumsandmarchingoftroops,whichseemedtohemmeinoneverysidewhenIwentdowntowardsthelongnarrowstreet.FeelingthatIcouldgobutaverylittlewaythatday,ifIweretoreserveanystrengthforgettingtomyjourney'send,Iresolvedtomakethesaleofmyjacketitsprincipalbusiness.Accordingly,Itookthejacketoff,thatImightlearntodowithoutit;andcarryingitundermyarm,beganatourofinspectionofthevariousslop-shops.Itwasalikelyplacetosellajacketin;forthedealersinsecond-handclotheswerenumerous,andwere,generallyspeaking,onthelook-outforcustomersattheirshopdoors.Butasmostofthemhad,hangingupamongtheirstock,anofficer'scoatortwo,epaulettesandall,Iwasrenderedtimidbythecostlynatureoftheirdealings,andwalkedaboutforalongtimewithoutofferingmymerchandisetoanyone.Thismodestyofminedirectedmyattentiontothemarine-storeshops,andsuchshopsasMr.Dolloby's,inpreferencetotheregulardealers.AtlastIfoundonethatIthoughtlookedpromising,atthecornerofadirtylane,endinginanenclosure
fullofstinging-nettles,againstthepalingsofwhichsomesecond-handsailors'clothes,thatseemedtohaveoverflowedtheshop,wereflutteringamongsomecots,andrustyguns,andoilskinhats,andcertaintraysfullofsomanyoldrustykeysofsomanysizesthattheyseemedvariousenoughtoopenallthedoorsintheworld.Intothisshop,whichwaslowandsmall,andwhichwasdarkenedratherthanlightedbyalittlewindow,overhungwithclothes,andwasdescendedintobysomesteps,Iwentwithapalpitatingheart;whichwasnotrelievedwhenanuglyoldman,withthelowerpartofhisfaceallcoveredwithastubblygreybeard,rushedoutofadirtydenbehindit,andseizedmebythehairofmyhead.Hewasadreadfuloldmantolookat,inafilthyflannelwaistcoat,andsmellingterriblyofrum.Hisbedstead,coveredwithatumbledandraggedpieceofpatchwork,wasinthedenhehadcomefrom,whereanotherlittlewindowshowedaprospectofmorestinging-nettles,andalamedonkey.'Oh,whatdoyouwant?'grinnedthisoldman,inafierce,monotonouswhine.'Oh,myeyesandlimbs,whatdoyouwant?Oh,mylungsandliver,whatdoyouwant?Oh,goroo,goroo!'
Iwassomuchdismayedbythesewords,andparticularlybytherepetitionofthelastunknownone,whichwasakindofrattleinhisthroat,thatIcouldmakenoanswer;hereupontheoldman,stillholdingmebythehair,repeated:'Oh,whatdoyouwant?Oh,myeyesandlimbs,whatdoyouwant?Oh,mylungsandliver,whatdoyouwant?Oh,goroo!'-whichhescrewedoutofhimself,withanenergythatmadehiseyesstartinhishead.'Iwantedtoknow,'Isaid,trembling,'ifyouwouldbuyajacket.''Oh,let'sseethejacket!'criedtheoldman.'Oh,myheartonfire,showthejackettous!Oh,myeyesandlimbs,bringthejacketout!'Withthathetookhistremblinghands,whichwereliketheclawsofagreatbird,outofmyhair;andputonapairofspectacles,notatallornamentaltohisinflamedeyes.'Oh,howmuchforthejacket?'criedtheoldman,afterexaminingit.'Oh-goroo!-howmuchforthejacket?'
'Half-a-crown,'Ianswered,recoveringmyself.'Oh,mylungsandliver,'criedtheoldman,'no!Oh,myeyes,no!Oh,mylimbs,no!Eighteenpence.Goroo!'Everytimeheutteredthisejaculation,hiseyesseemedtobeindangerofstartingout;andeverysentencehespoke,hedeliveredinasortoftune,alwaysexactlythesame,andmorelikeagustofwind,whichbeginslow,mountsuphigh,andfallsagain,thananyothercomparisonIcanfindforit.'Well,'saidI,gladtohaveclosedthebargain,'I'lltakeeighteenpence.''Oh,myliver!'criedtheoldman,throwingthejacketonashelf.'Getoutoftheshop!Oh,mylungs,getoutoftheshop!Oh,myeyesandlimbs-goroo!-don'taskformoney;makeitanexchange.'Ineverwassofrightenedinmylife,beforeorsince;butItoldhimhumblythatIwantedmoney,andthatnothingelsewasofanyusetome,butthatIwouldwaitforit,ashedesired,outside,andhadnowishtohurryhim.SoIwentoutside,andsatdownintheshadeinacorner.AndIsattheresomanyhours,thattheshadebecamesunlight,andthesunlightbecameshadeagain,and
stillIsattherewaitingforthemoney.Thereneverwassuchanotherdrunkenmadmaninthatlineofbusiness,Ihope.Thathewaswellknownintheneighbourhood,andenjoyedthereputationofhavingsoldhimselftothedevil,Isoonunderstoodfromthevisitshereceivedfromtheboys,whocontinuallycameskirmishingabouttheshop,shoutingthatlegend,andcallingtohimtobringouthisgold.'Youain'tpoor,youknow,Charley,asyoupretend.Bringoutyourgold.Bringoutsomeofthegoldyousoldyourselftothedevilfor.Come!It'sintheliningofthemattress,Charley.Ripitopenandlet'shavesome!'This,andmanyofferstolendhimaknifeforthepurpose,exasperatedhimtosuchadegree,thatthewholedaywasasuccessionofrushesonhispart,andflightsonthepartoftheboys.Sometimesinhisragehewouldtakemeforoneofthem,andcomeatme,mouthingasifheweregoingtotearmeinpieces;then,rememberingme,justintime,woulddiveintotheshop,andlieuponhisbed,asIthoughtfromthesoundofhisvoice,yellinginafranticway,tohisownwindytune,the'DeathofNelson';withanOh!beforeeveryline,andinnumerableGoroosinterspersed.Asifthiswerenotbadenoughforme,theboys,connectingmewiththeestablishment,onaccountofthepatienceandperseverancewithwhichIsatoutside,half-dressed,peltedme,andusedmeveryill
allday.Hemademanyattemptstoinducemetoconsenttoanexchange;atonetimecomingoutwithafishing-rod,atanotherwithafiddle,atanotherwithacockedhat,atanotherwithaflute.ButIresistedalltheseovertures,andsatthereindesperation;eachtimeaskinghim,withtearsinmyeyes,formymoneyormyjacket.Atlasthebegantopaymeinhalfpenceatatime;andwasfulltwohoursgettingbyeasystagestoashilling.'Oh,myeyesandlimbs!'hethencried,peepinghideouslyoutoftheshop,afteralongpause,'willyougofortwopencemore?''Ican't,'Isaid;'Ishallbestarved.''Oh,mylungsandliver,willyougoforthreepence?''Iwouldgofornothing,ifIcould,'Isaid,'butIwantthemoneybadly.''Oh,go-roo!'(itisreallyimpossibletoexpresshowhetwistedthisejaculationoutofhimself,ashepeepedroundthedoor-postatme,showingnothingbuthiscraftyoldhead);'willyougofor
fourpence?'IwassofaintandwearythatIclosedwiththisoffer;andtakingthemoneyoutofhisclaw,notwithouttrembling,wentawaymorehungryandthirstythanIhadeverbeen,alittlebeforesunset.ButatanexpenseofthreepenceIsoonrefreshedmyselfcompletely;and,beinginbetterspiritsthen,limpedsevenmilesuponmyroad.Mybedatnightwasunderanotherhaystack,whereIrestedcomfortably,afterhavingwashedmyblisteredfeetinastream,anddressedthemaswellasIwasable,withsomecoolleaves.WhenItooktheroadagainnextmorning,Ifoundthatitlaythroughasuccessionofhop-groundsandorchards.Itwassufficientlylateintheyearfortheorchardstoberuddywithripeapples;andinafewplacesthehop-pickerswerealreadyatwork.Ithoughtitallextremelybeautiful,andmadeupmymindtosleepamongthehopsthatnight:imaginingsomecheerfulcompanionshipinthelongperspectivesofpoles,withthegracefulleavestwiningroundthem.Thetramperswereworsethaneverthatday,andinspiredmewithadreadthatisyetquitefreshinmymind.Someofthemweremostferocious-lookingruffians,whostaredatmeasIwentby;andstopped,perhaps,andcalledaftermetocomebackandspeakto
them,andwhenItooktomyheels,stonedme.Irecollectoneyoungfellow-atinker,Isuppose,fromhiswalletandbrazier-whohadawomanwithhim,andwhofacedaboutandstaredatmethus;andthenroaredtomeinsuchatremendousvoicetocomeback,thatIhaltedandlookedround.'Comehere,whenyou'recalled,'saidthetinker,'orI'llripyouryoungbodyopen.'Ithoughtitbesttogoback.AsIdrewnearertothem,tryingtopropitiatethetinkerbymylooks,Iobservedthatthewomanhadablackeye.'Whereareyougoing?'saidthetinker,grippingthebosomofmyshirtwithhisblackenedhand.'IamgoingtoDover,'Isaid.'Wheredoyoucomefrom?'askedthetinker,givinghishandanotherturninmyshirt,toholdmemoresecurely.'IcomefromLondon,'Isaid.
'Whatlayareyouupon?'askedthetinker.'Areyouaprig?''N-no,'Isaid.'Ain'tyou,byG--?Ifyoumakeabragofyourhonestytome,'saidthetinker,'I'llknockyourbrainsout.'Withhisdisengagedhandhemadeamenaceofstrikingme,andthenlookedatmefromheadtofoot.'Haveyougotthepriceofapintofbeeraboutyou?'saidthetinker.'Ifyouhave,outwithit,aforeItakeitaway!'Ishouldcertainlyhaveproducedit,butthatImetthewoman'slook,andsawherveryslightlyshakeherhead,andform'No!'withherlips.'Iamverypoor,'Isaid,attemptingtosmile,'andhavegotnomoney.''Why,whatdoyoumean?'saidthetinker,lookingsosternlyatme,thatIalmostfearedhesawthemoneyinmypocket.
'Sir!'Istammered.'Whatdoyoumean,'saidthetinker,'bywearingmybrother'ssilkhandkerchief!Giveitoverhere!'Andhehadmineoffmyneckinamoment,andtossedittothewoman.Thewomanburstintoafitoflaughter,asifshethoughtthisajoke,andtosseditbacktome,noddedonce,asslightlyasbefore,andmadetheword'Go!'withherlips.BeforeIcouldobey,however,thetinkerseizedthehandkerchiefoutofmyhandwitharoughnessthatthrewmeawaylikeafeather,andputtingitlooselyroundhisownneck,turneduponthewomanwithanoath,andknockedherdown.Inevershallforgetseeingherfallbackwardonthehardroad,andlietherewithherbonnettumbledoff,andherhairallwhitenedinthedust;nor,whenIlookedbackfromadistance,seeinghersittingonthepathway,whichwasabankbytheroadside,wipingthebloodfromherfacewithacornerofhershawl,whilehewentonahead.Thisadventurefrightenedmeso,that,afterwards,whenIsawanyofthesepeoplecoming,IturnedbackuntilIcouldfindahiding-place,whereIremaineduntiltheyhadgoneoutofsight;whichhappenedsooften,thatIwasveryseriouslydelayed.But
underthisdifficulty,asunderalltheotherdifficultiesofmyjourney,Iseemedtobesustainedandledonbymyfancifulpictureofmymotherinheryouth,beforeIcameintotheworld.Italwayskeptmecompany.Itwasthere,amongthehops,whenIlaydowntosleep;itwaswithmeonmywakinginthemorning;itwentbeforemeallday.Ihaveassociatedit,eversince,withthesunnystreetofCanterbury,dozingasitwereinthehotlight;andwiththesightofitsoldhousesandgateways,andthestately,greyCathedral,withtherookssailingroundthetowers.WhenIcame,atlast,uponthebare,widedownsnearDover,itrelievedthesolitaryaspectofthescenewithhope;andnotuntilIreachedthatfirstgreataimofmyjourney,andactuallysetfootinthetownitself,onthesixthdayofmyflight,diditdesertme.Butthen,strangetosay,whenIstoodwithmyraggedshoes,andmydusty,sunburnt,half-clothedfigure,intheplacesolongdesired,itseemedtovanishlikeadream,andtoleavemehelplessanddispirited.Iinquiredaboutmyauntamongtheboatmenfirst,andreceivedvariousanswers.OnesaidshelivedintheSouthForelandLight,andhadsingedherwhiskersbydoingso;another,thatshewasmadefasttothegreatbuoyoutsidetheharbour,andcouldonlybevisitedathalf-tide;athird,thatshewaslockedupinMaidstone
jailforchild-stealing;afourth,thatshewasseentomountabroominthelasthighwind,andmakedirectforCalais.Thefly-drivers,amongwhomIinquirednext,wereequallyjocoseandequallydisrespectful;andtheshopkeepers,notlikingmyappearance,generallyreplied,withouthearingwhatIhadtosay,thattheyhadgotnothingforme.IfeltmoremiserableanddestitutethanIhaddoneatanyperiodofmyrunningaway.Mymoneywasallgone,Ihadnothinglefttodisposeof;Iwashungry,thirsty,andwornout;andseemedasdistantfrommyendasifIhadremainedinLondon.Themorninghadwornawayintheseinquiries,andIwassittingonthestepofanemptyshopatastreetcorner,nearthemarket-place,deliberatinguponwanderingtowardsthoseotherplaceswhichhadbeenmentioned,whenafly-driver,comingbywithhiscarriage,droppedahorsecloth.Somethinggood-naturedintheman'sface,asIhandeditup,encouragedmetoaskhimifhecouldtellmewhereMissTrotwoodlived;thoughIhadaskedthequestionsooften,thatitalmostdieduponmylips.'Trotwood,'saidhe.'Letmesee.Iknowthename,too.Oldlady?'
'Yes,'Isaid,'rather.''Prettystiffintheback?'saidhe,makinghimselfupright.'Yes,'Isaid.'Ishouldthinkitverylikely.''Carriesabag?'saidhe-'bagwithagooddealofroominit-isgruffish,andcomesdownuponyou,sharp?'MyheartsankwithinmeasIacknowledgedtheundoubtedaccuracyofthisdescription.'Whythen,Itellyouwhat,'saidhe.'Ifyougoupthere,'pointingwithhiswhiptowardstheheights,'andkeeprightontillyoucometosomehousesfacingthesea,Ithinkyou'llhearofher.Myopinionisshewon'tstandanything,sohere'sapennyforyou.'Iacceptedthegiftthankfully,andboughtaloafwithit.Dispatchingthisrefreshmentbytheway,Iwentinthedirectionmyfriendhadindicated,andwalkedonagooddistancewithoutcomingtothehouseshehadmentioned.AtlengthIsawsomebeforeme;andapproachingthem,wentintoalittleshop(itwaswhatweusedtocallageneralshop,athome),andinquirediftheycouldhave
thegoodnesstotellmewhereMissTrotwoodlived.Iaddressedmyselftoamanbehindthecounter,whowasweighingsomericeforayoungwoman;butthelatter,takingtheinquirytoherself,turnedroundquickly.'Mymistress?'shesaid.'Whatdoyouwantwithher,boy?''Iwant,'Ireplied,'tospeaktoher,ifyouplease.''Tobegofher,youmean,'retortedthedamsel.'No,'Isaid,'indeed.'ButsuddenlyrememberingthatintruthIcamefornootherpurpose,Iheldmypeaceinconfusion,andfeltmyfaceburn.MYaunt'shandmaid,asIsupposedshewasfromwhatshehadsaid,putherriceinalittlebasketandwalkedoutoftheshop;tellingmethatIcouldfollowher,ifIwantedtoknowwhereMissTrotwoodlived.Ineedednosecondpermission;thoughIwasbythistimeinsuchastateofconsternationandagitation,thatmylegsshookunderme.Ifollowedtheyoungwoman,andwesooncametoaveryneatlittlecottagewithcheerfulbow-windows:infrontofit,asmallsquaregravelledcourtorgardenfullofflowers,carefully
tended,andsmellingdeliciously.'ThisisMissTrotwood's,'saidtheyoungwoman.'Nowyouknow;andthat'sallIhavegottosay.'Withwhichwordsshehurriedintothehouse,asiftoshakeofftheresponsibilityofmyappearance;andleftmestandingatthegarden-gate,lookingdisconsolatelyoverthetopofittowardstheparlourwindow,whereamuslincurtainpartlyundrawninthemiddle,alargeroundgreenscreenorfanfastenedontothewindowsill,asmalltable,andagreatchair,suggestedtomethatmyauntmightbeatthatmomentseatedinawfulstate.Myshoeswerebythistimeinawoefulcondition.Thesoleshadshedthemselvesbitbybit,andtheupperleathershadbrokenandburstuntiltheveryshapeandformofshoeshaddepartedfromthem.Myhat(whichhadservedmeforanight-cap,too)wassocrushedandbent,thatnooldbatteredhandlelesssaucepanonadunghillneedhavebeenashamedtoviewithit.Myshirtandtrousers,stainedwithheat,dew,grass,andtheKentishsoilonwhichIhadslept-andtornbesides-mighthavefrightenedthebirdsfrommyaunt'sgarden,asIstoodatthegate.MyhairhadknownnocomborbrushsinceIleftLondon.Myface,neck,andhands,fromunaccustomedexposuretotheairandsun,wereburntto
aberry-brown.FromheadtofootIwaspowderedalmostaswhitewithchalkanddust,asifIhadcomeoutofalime-kiln.Inthisplight,andwithastrongconsciousnessofit,Iwaitedtointroducemyselfto,andmakemyfirstimpressionon,myformidableaunt.Theunbrokenstillnessoftheparlourwindowleadingmetoinfer,afterawhile,thatshewasnotthere,Iliftedupmyeyestothewindowaboveit,whereIsawaflorid,pleasant-lookinggentleman,withagreyhead,whoshutuponeeyeinagrotesquemanner,noddedhisheadatmeseveraltimes,shookitatmeasoften,laughed,andwentaway.Ihadbeendiscomposedenoughbefore;butIwassomuchthemorediscomposedbythisunexpectedbehaviour,thatIwasonthepointofslinkingoff,tothinkhowIhadbestproceed,whentherecameoutofthehousealadywithherhandkerchieftiedoverhercap,andapairofgardeningglovesonherhands,wearingagardeningpocketlikeatoll-man'sapron,andcarryingagreatknife.IknewherimmediatelytobeMissBetsey,forshecamestalkingoutofthehouseexactlyasmypoormotherhadsooftendescribedherstalkingupourgardenatBlunderstoneRookery.
'Goaway!'saidMissBetsey,shakingherhead,andmakingadistantchopintheairwithherknife.'Goalong!Noboyshere!'Iwatchedher,withmyheartatmylips,asshemarchedtoacornerofhergarden,andstoopedtodigupsomelittlerootthere.Then,withoutascrapofcourage,butwithagreatdealofdesperation,Iwentsoftlyinandstoodbesideher,touchingherwithmyfinger.'Ifyouplease,ma'am,'Ibegan.Shestartedandlookedup.'Ifyouplease,aunt.''EH?'exclaimedMissBetsey,inatoneofamazementIhaveneverheardapproached.'Ifyouplease,aunt,Iamyournephew.''Oh,Lord!'saidmyaunt.Andsatflatdowninthegarden-path.'IamDavidCopperfield,ofBlunderstone,inSuffolk-whereyoucame,onthenightwhenIwasborn,andsawmydearmama.Ihave
beenveryunhappysinceshedied.Ihavebeenslighted,andtaughtnothing,andthrownuponmyself,andputtoworknotfitforme.Itmademerunawaytoyou.Iwasrobbedatfirstsettingout,andhavewalkedalltheway,andhaveneversleptinabedsinceIbeganthejourney.'Heremyself-supportgavewayallatonce;andwithamovementofmyhands,intendedtoshowhermyraggedstate,andcallittowitnessthatIhadsufferedsomething,Ibrokeintoapassionofcrying,whichIsupposehadbeenpentupwithinmealltheweek.Myaunt,witheverysortofexpressionbutwonderdischargedfromhercountenance,satonthegravel,staringatme,untilIbegantocry;whenshegotupinagreathurry,collaredme,andtookmeintotheparlour.Herfirstproceedingtherewastounlockatallpress,bringoutseveralbottles,andpoursomeofthecontentsofeachintomymouth.Ithinktheymusthavebeentakenoutatrandom,forIamsureItastedaniseedwater,anchovysauce,andsaladdressing.Whenshehadadministeredtheserestoratives,asIwasstillquitehysterical,andunabletocontrolmysobs,sheputmeonthesofa,withashawlundermyhead,andthehandkerchieffromherownheadundermyfeet,lestIshouldsullythecover;andthen,sittingherselfdownbehindthegreenfanorscreenIhavealreadymentioned,sothatIcouldnotseeherface,
ejaculatedatintervals,'Mercyonus!'lettingthoseexclamationsofflikeminuteguns.Afteratimesherangthebell.'Janet,'saidmyaunt,whenherservantcamein.'Goupstairs,givemycomplimentstoMr.Dick,andsayIwishtospeaktohim.'Janetlookedalittlesurprisedtoseemelyingstifflyonthesofa(Iwasafraidtomovelestitshouldbedispleasingtomyaunt),butwentonhererrand.Myaunt,withherhandsbehindher,walkedupanddowntheroom,untilthegentlemanwhohadsquintedatmefromtheupperwindowcameinlaughing.'Mr.Dick,'saidmyaunt,'don'tbeafool,becausenobodycanbemorediscreetthanyoucan,whenyouchoose.Weallknowthat.Sodon'tbeafool,whateveryouare.'Thegentlemanwasseriousimmediately,andlookedatme,Ithought,asifhewouldentreatmetosaynothingaboutthewindow.'Mr.Dick,'saidmyaunt,'youhaveheardmementionDavidCopperfield?Nowdon'tpretendnottohaveamemory,becauseyouandIknowbetter.'
'DavidCopperfield?'saidMr.Dick,whodidnotappeartometoremembermuchaboutit.'DavidCopperfield?Ohyes,tobesure.David,certainly.''Well,'saidmyaunt,'thisishisboy-hisson.Hewouldbeaslikehisfatherasit'spossibletobe,ifhewasnotsolikehismother,too.''Hisson?'saidMr.Dick.'David'sson?Indeed!''Yes,'pursuedmyaunt,'andhehasdoneaprettypieceofbusiness.Hehasrunaway.Ah!Hissister,BetseyTrotwood,neverwouldhaverunaway.'Myauntshookherheadfirmly,confidentinthecharacterandbehaviourofthegirlwhoneverwasborn.'Oh!youthinkshewouldn'thaverunaway?'saidMr.Dick.'Blessandsavetheman,'exclaimedmyaunt,sharply,'howhetalks!Don'tIknowshewouldn't?Shewouldhavelivedwithhergod-mother,andweshouldhavebeendevotedtooneanother.Where,inthenameofwonder,shouldhissister,BetseyTrotwood,haverun
from,orto?''Nowhere,'saidMr.Dick.'Wellthen,'returnedmyaunt,softenedbythereply,'howcanyoupretendtobewool-gathering,Dick,whenyouareassharpasasurgeon'slancet?Now,hereyouseeyoungDavidCopperfield,andthequestionIputtoyouis,whatshallIdowithhim?''Whatshallyoudowithhim?'saidMr.Dick,feebly,scratchinghishead.'Oh!dowithhim?''Yes,'saidmyaunt,withagravelook,andherforefingerheldup.'Come!Iwantsomeverysoundadvice.''Why,ifIwasyou,'saidMr.Dick,considering,andlookingvacantlyatme,'Ishould-'Thecontemplationofmeseemedtoinspirehimwithasuddenidea,andheadded,briskly,'Ishouldwashhim!''Janet,'saidmyaunt,turningroundwithaquiettriumph,whichIdidnotthenunderstand,'Mr.Dicksetsusallright.Heatthebath!'
AlthoughIwasdeeplyinterestedinthisdialogue,Icouldnothelpobservingmyaunt,Mr.Dick,andJanet,whileitwasinprogress,andcompletingasurveyIhadalreadybeenengagedinmakingoftheroom.MYauntwasatall,hard-featuredlady,butbynomeansill-looking.Therewasaninflexibilityinherface,inhervoice,inhergaitandcarriage,amplysufficienttoaccountfortheeffectshehadmadeuponagentlecreaturelikemymother;butherfeatureswereratherhandsomethanotherwise,thoughunbendingandaustere.Iparticularlynoticedthatshehadaveryquick,brighteye.Herhair,whichwasgrey,wasarrangedintwoplaindivisions,underwhatIbelievewouldbecalledamob-cap;Imeanacap,muchmorecommonthenthannow,withside-piecesfasteningunderthechin.Herdresswasofalavendercolour,andperfectlyneat;butscantilymade,asifshedesiredtobeaslittleencumberedaspossible.IrememberthatIthoughtit,inform,morelikeariding-habitwiththesuperfluousskirtcutoff,thananythingelse.Sheworeathersideagentleman'sgoldwatch,ifImightjudgefromitssizeandmake,withanappropriatechainandseals;shehadsomelinenatherthroatnotunlikeashirt-collar,andthingsatherwristslikelittleshirt-wristbands.
Mr.Dick,asIhavealreadysaid,wasgrey-headed,andflorid:Ishouldhavesaidallabouthim,insayingso,hadnothisheadbeencuriouslybowed-notbyage;itremindedmeofoneofMr.Creakle'sboys'headsafterabeating-andhisgreyeyesprominentandlarge,withastrangekindofwaterybrightnessinthemthatmademe,incombinationwithhisvacantmanner,hissubmissiontomyaunt,andhischildishdelightwhenshepraisedhim,suspecthimofbeingalittlemad;though,ifheweremad,howhecametobetherepuzzledmeextremely.Hewasdressedlikeanyotherordinarygentleman,inaloosegreymorningcoatandwaistcoat,andwhitetrousers;andhadhiswatchinhisfob,andhismoneyinhispockets:whichherattledasifhewereveryproudofit.Janetwasaprettybloominggirl,ofaboutnineteenortwenty,andaperfectpictureofneatness.ThoughImadenofurtherobservationofheratthemoment,ImaymentionherewhatIdidnotdiscoveruntilafterwards,namely,thatshewasoneofaseriesofprotegeeswhommyaunthadtakenintoherserviceexpresslytoeducateinarenouncementofmankind,andwhohadgenerallycompletedtheirabjurationbymarryingthebaker.TheroomwasasneatasJanetormyaunt.AsIlaiddownmypen,
amomentsince,tothinkofit,theairfromtheseacameblowinginagain,mixedwiththeperfumeoftheflowers;andIsawtheold-fashionedfurniturebrightlyrubbedandpolished,myaunt'sinviolablechairandtablebytheroundgreenfaninthebow-window,thedrugget-coveredcarpet,thecat,thekettle-holder,thetwocanaries,theoldchina,thepunchbowlfullofdriedrose-leaves,thetallpressguardingallsortsofbottlesandpots,and,wonderfullyoutofkeepingwiththerest,mydustyselfuponthesofa,takingnoteofeverything.Janethadgoneawaytogetthebathready,whenmyaunt,tomygreatalarm,becameinonemomentrigidwithindignation,andhadhardlyvoicetocryout,'Janet!Donkeys!'Uponwhich,Janetcamerunningupthestairsasifthehousewereinflames,dartedoutonalittlepieceofgreeninfront,andwarnedofftwosaddle-donkeys,lady-ridden,thathadpresumedtosethoofuponit;whilemyaunt,rushingoutofthehouse,seizedthebridleofathirdanimalladenwithabestridingchild,turnedhim,ledhimforthfromthosesacredprecincts,andboxedtheearsoftheunluckyurchininattendancewhohaddaredtoprofanethathallowedground.
TothishourIdon'tknowwhethermyaunthadanylawfulrightofwayoverthatpatchofgreen;butshehadsettleditinherownmindthatshehad,anditwasallthesametoher.Theonegreatoutrageofherlife,demandingtobeconstantlyavenged,wasthepassageofadonkeyoverthatimmaculatespot.Inwhateveroccupationshewasengaged,howeverinterestingtohertheconversationinwhichshewastakingpart,adonkeyturnedthecurrentofherideasinamoment,andshewasuponhimstraight.Jugsofwater,andwatering-pots,werekeptinsecretplacesreadytobedischargedontheoffendingboys;stickswerelaidinambushbehindthedoor;salliesweremadeatallhours;andincessantwarprevailed.Perhapsthiswasanagreeableexcitementtothedonkey-boys;orperhapsthemoresagaciousofthedonkeys,understandinghowthecasestood,delightedwithconstitutionalobstinacyincomingthatway.Ionlyknowthattherewerethreealarmsbeforethebathwasready;andthatontheoccasionofthelastandmostdesperateofall,Isawmyauntengage,single-handed,withasandy-headedladoffifteen,andbumphissandyheadagainstherowngate,beforeheseemedtocomprehendwhatwasthematter.Theseinterruptionswereofthemoreridiculoustome,becauseshewasgivingmebrothoutofatable-spoonatthetime(havingfirmlypersuadedherselfthatIwasactuallystarving,andmustreceivenourishmentatfirstinvery
smallquantities),and,whilemymouthwasyetopentoreceivethespoon,shewouldputitbackintothebasin,cry'Janet!Donkeys!'andgoouttotheassault.Thebathwasagreatcomfort.ForIbegantobesensibleofacutepainsinmylimbsfromlyingoutinthefields,andwasnowsotiredandlowthatIcouldhardlykeepmyselfawakeforfiveminutestogether.WhenIhadbathed,they(ImeanmyauntandJanet)enrobedmeinashirtandapairoftrousersbelongingtoMr.Dick,andtiedmeupintwoorthreegreatshawls.WhatsortofbundleIlookedlike,Idon'tknow,butIfeltaveryhotone.Feelingalsoveryfaintanddrowsy,Isoonlaydownonthesofaagainandfellasleep.Itmighthavebeenadream,originatinginthefancywhichhadoccupiedmymindsolong,butIawokewiththeimpressionthatmyaunthadcomeandbentoverme,andhadputmyhairawayfrommyface,andlaidmyheadmorecomfortably,andhadthenstoodlookingatme.Thewords,'Prettyfellow,'or'Poorfellow,'seemedtobeinmyears,too;butcertainlytherewasnothingelse,whenIawoke,toleadmetobelievethattheyhadbeenutteredbymyaunt,whosatinthebow-windowgazingattheseafrombehindthegreenfan,whichwasmountedonakindofswivel,andturnedanyway.
WedinedsoonafterIawoke,offaroastfowlandapudding;Isittingattable,notunlikeatrussedbirdmyself,andmovingmyarmswithconsiderabledifficulty.Butasmyaunthadswathedmeup,Imadenocomplaintofbeinginconvenienced.AllthistimeIwasdeeplyanxioustoknowwhatshewasgoingtodowithme;butshetookherdinnerinprofoundsilence,exceptwhensheoccasionallyfixedhereyesonmesittingopposite,andsaid,'Mercyuponus!'whichdidnotbyanymeansrelievemyanxiety.Theclothbeingdrawn,andsomesherryputuponthetable(ofwhichIhadaglass),myauntsentupforMr.Dickagain,whojoinedus,andlookedaswiseashecouldwhensherequestedhimtoattendtomystory,whichsheelicitedfromme,gradually,byacourseofquestions.Duringmyrecital,shekepthereyesonMr.Dick,whoIthoughtwouldhavegonetosleepbutforthat,andwho,whensoeverhelapsedintoasmile,wascheckedbyafrownfrommyaunt.'WhateverpossessedthatpoorunfortunateBaby,thatshemustgoandbemarriedagain,'saidmyaunt,whenIhadfinished,'Ican'tconceive.'
'Perhapsshefellinlovewithhersecondhusband,'Mr.Dicksuggested.'Fellinlove!'repeatedmyaunt.'Whatdoyoumean?Whatbusinesshadshetodoit?''Perhaps,'Mr.Dicksimpered,afterthinkingalittle,'shediditforpleasure.''Pleasure,indeed!'repliedmyaunt.'AmightypleasureforthepoorBabytofixhersimplefaithuponanydogofafellow,certaintoill-useherinsomewayorother.Whatdidsheproposetoherself,Ishouldliketoknow!Shehadhadonehusband.ShehadseenDavidCopperfieldoutoftheworld,whowasalwaysrunningafterwaxdollsfromhiscradle.Shehadgotababy-oh,therewereapairofbabieswhenshegavebirthtothischildsittinghere,thatFridaynight!-andwhatmoredidshewant?'Mr.Dicksecretlyshookhisheadatme,asifhethoughttherewasnogettingoverthis.'Shecouldn'tevenhaveababylikeanybodyelse,'saidmyaunt.'Wherewasthischild'ssister,BetseyTrotwood?Notforthcoming.
Don'ttellme!'Mr.Dickseemedquitefrightened.'Thatlittlemanofadoctor,withhisheadononeside,'saidmyaunt,'Jellips,orwhateverhisnamewas,whatwasheabout?Allhecoulddo,wastosaytome,likearobinredbreast-asheis-"It'saboy."Aboy!Yah,theimbecilityofthewholesetof'em!'TheheartinessoftheejaculationstartledMr.Dickexceedingly;andme,too,ifIamtotellthetruth.'Andthen,asifthiswasnotenough,andshehadnotstoodsufficientlyinthelightofthischild'ssister,BetseyTrotwood,'saidmyaunt,'shemarriesasecondtime-goesandmarriesaMurderer-oramanwithanamelikeit-andstandsinTHISchild'slight!Andthenaturalconsequenceis,asanybodybutababymighthaveforeseen,thatheprowlsandwanders.He'saslikeCainbeforehewasgrownup,ashecanbe.'Mr.Dicklookedhardatme,asiftoidentifymeinthischaracter.
'Andthenthere'sthatwomanwiththePaganname,'saidmyaunt,'thatPeggotty,shegoesandgetsmarriednext.Becauseshehasnotseenenoughoftheevilattendingsuchthings,shegoesandgetsmarriednext,asthechildrelates.Ionlyhope,'saidmyaunt,shakingherhead,'thatherhusbandisoneofthosePokerhusbandswhoaboundinthenewspapers,andwillbeatherwellwithone.'Icouldnotbeartohearmyoldnursesodecried,andmadethesubjectofsuchawish.Itoldmyauntthatindeedshewasmistaken.ThatPeggottywasthebest,thetruest,themostfaithful,mostdevoted,andmostself-denyingfriendandservantintheworld;whohadeverlovedmedearly,whohadeverlovedmymotherdearly;whohadheldmymother'sdyingheaduponherarm,onwhosefacemymotherhadimprintedherlastgratefulkiss.Andmyremembranceofthemboth,chokingme,IbrokedownasIwastryingtosaythatherhomewasmyhome,andthatallshehadwasmine,andthatIwouldhavegonetoherforshelter,butforherhumblestation,whichmademefearthatImightbringsometroubleonher-Ibrokedown,Isay,asIwastryingtosayso,andlaidmyfaceinmyhandsuponthetable.'Well,well!'saidmyaunt,'thechildisrighttostandbythose
whohavestoodbyhim-Janet!Donkeys!'Ithoroughlybelievethatbutforthoseunfortunatedonkeys,weshouldhavecometoagoodunderstanding;formyaunthadlaidherhandonmyshoulder,andtheimpulsewasuponme,thusemboldened,toembraceherandbeseechherprotection.Buttheinterruption,andthedisordershewasthrownintobythestruggleoutside,putanendtoallsofterideasforthepresent,andkeptmyauntindignantlydeclaimingtoMr.Dickaboutherdeterminationtoappealforredresstothelawsofhercountry,andtobringactionsfortrespassagainstthewholedonkeyproprietorshipofDover,untiltea-time.Aftertea,wesatatthewindow-onthelook-out,asIimagined,frommyaunt'ssharpexpressionofface,formoreinvaders-untildusk,whenJanetsetcandles,andabackgammon-board,onthetable,andpulleddowntheblinds.'Now,Mr.Dick,'saidmyaunt,withhergravelook,andherforefingerupasbefore,'Iamgoingtoaskyouanotherquestion.Lookatthischild.''David'sson?'saidMr.Dick,withanattentive,puzzledface.
'Exactlyso,'returnedmyaunt.'Whatwouldyoudowithhim,now?''DowithDavid'sson?'saidMr.Dick.'Ay,'repliedmyaunt,'withDavid'sson.''Oh!'saidMr.Dick.'Yes.Dowith-Ishouldputhimtobed.''Janet!'criedmyaunt,withthesamecomplacenttriumphthatIhadremarkedbefore.'Mr.Dicksetsusallright.Ifthebedisready,we'lltakehimuptoit.'Janetreportingittobequiteready,Iwastakenuptoit;kindly,butinsomesortlikeaprisoner;myauntgoinginfrontandJanetbringinguptherear.Theonlycircumstancewhichgavemeanynewhope,wasmyaunt'sstoppingonthestairstoinquireaboutasmelloffirethatwasprevalentthere;andjanet'sreplyingthatshehadbeenmakingtinderdowninthekitchen,ofmyoldshirt.ButtherewerenootherclothesinmyroomthantheoddheapofthingsIwore;andwhenIwasleftthere,withalittletaperwhichmyauntforewarnedmewouldburnexactlyfiveminutes,Iheardthemlockmydoorontheoutside.TurningthesethingsoverinmymindIdeemed
itpossiblethatmyaunt,whocouldknownothingofme,mightsuspectIhadahabitofrunningaway,andtookprecautions,onthataccount,tohavemeinsafekeeping.Theroomwasapleasantone,atthetopofthehouse,overlookingthesea,onwhichthemoonwasshiningbrilliantly.AfterIhadsaidmyprayers,andthecandlehadburntout,IrememberhowIstillsatlookingatthemoonlightonthewater,asifIcouldhopetoreadmyfortuneinit,asinabrightbook;ortoseemymotherwithherchild,comingfromHeaven,alongthatshiningpath,tolookuponmeasshehadlookedwhenIlastsawhersweetface.IrememberhowthesolemnfeelingwithwhichatlengthIturnedmyeyesaway,yieldedtothesensationofgratitudeandrestwhichthesightofthewhite-curtainedbed-andhowmuchmorethelyingsoftlydownuponit,nestlinginthesnow-whitesheets!-inspired.IrememberhowIthoughtofallthesolitaryplacesunderthenightskywhereIhadslept,andhowIprayedthatInevermightbehouselessanymore,andnevermightforgetthehouseless.IrememberhowIseemedtofloat,then,downthemelancholygloryofthattrackuponthesea,awayintotheworldofdreams.CHAPTER14
MYAUNTMAKESUPHERMINDABOUTMEOngoingdowninthemorning,Ifoundmyauntmusingsoprofoundlyoverthebreakfasttable,withherelbowonthetray,thatthecontentsoftheurnhadoverflowedtheteapotandwerelayingthewholetable-clothunderwater,whenmyentranceputhermeditationstoflight.IfeltsurethatIhadbeenthesubjectofherreflections,andwasmorethaneveranxioustoknowherintentionstowardsme.YetIdarednotexpressmyanxiety,lestitshouldgiveheroffence.Myeyes,however,notbeingsomuchundercontrolasmytongue,wereattractedtowardsmyauntveryoftenduringbreakfast.InevercouldlookatherforafewmomentstogetherbutIfoundherlookingatme-inanoddthoughtfulmanner,asifIwereanimmensewayoff,insteadofbeingontheothersideofthesmallroundtable.Whenshehadfinishedherbreakfast,myauntverydeliberatelyleanedbackinherchair,knittedherbrows,foldedherarms,andcontemplatedmeatherleisure,withsuchafixednessofattentionthatIwasquiteoverpoweredbyembarrassment.Nothavingasyetfinishedmyownbreakfast,Iattemptedtohidemyconfusionbyproceedingwithit;butmyknifetumbledovermyfork,
myforktrippedupmyknife,Ichippedbitsofbaconasurprisingheightintotheairinsteadofcuttingthemformyowneating,andchokedmyselfwithmytea,whichpersistedingoingthewrongwayinsteadoftherightone,untilIgaveinaltogether,andsatblushingundermyaunt'sclosescrutiny.'Hallo!'saidmyaunt,afteralongtime.Ilookedup,andmethersharpbrightglancerespectfully.'Ihavewrittentohim,'saidmyaunt.'To-?''Toyourfather-in-law,'saidmyaunt.'IhavesenthimaletterthatI'lltroublehimtoattendto,orheandIwillfallout,Icantellhim!''DoesheknowwhereIam,aunt?'Iinquired,alarmed.'Ihavetoldhim,'saidmyaunt,withanod.'ShallI-be-givenuptohim?'Ifaltered.
'Idon'tknow,'saidmyaunt.'Weshallsee.''Oh!Ican'tthinkwhatIshalldo,'Iexclaimed,'ifIhavetogobacktoMr.Murdstone!''Idon'tknowanythingaboutit,'saidmyaunt,shakingherhead.'Ican'tsay,Iamsure.Weshallsee.'Myspiritssankunderthesewords,andIbecameverydowncastandheavyofheart.Myaunt,withoutappearingtotakemuchheedofme,putonacoarseapronwithabib,whichshetookoutofthepress;washeduptheteacupswithherownhands;and,wheneverythingwaswashedandsetinthetrayagain,andtheclothfoldedandputonthetopofthewhole,rangforJanettoremoveit.Shenextsweptupthecrumbswithalittlebroom(puttingonapairofglovesfirst),untiltheredidnotappeartobeonemicroscopicspeckleftonthecarpet;nextdustedandarrangedtheroom,whichwasdustedandarrangedtoahair'sbreadthalready.Whenallthesetaskswereperformedtohersatisfaction,shetookofftheglovesandapron,foldedthemup,putthemintheparticularcornerofthepressfromwhichtheyhadbeentaken,broughtoutherwork-boxtoherowntableintheopenwindow,and
satdown,withthegreenfanbetweenherandthelight,towork.'Iwishyou'dgoupstairs,'saidmyaunt,asshethreadedherneedle,'andgivemycomplimentstoMr.Dick,andI'llbegladtoknowhowhegetsonwithhisMemorial.'Irosewithallalacrity,toacquitmyselfofthiscommission.'Isuppose,'saidmyaunt,eyeingmeasnarrowlyasshehadeyedtheneedleinthreadingit,'youthinkMr.Dickashortname,eh?''Ithoughtitwasratherashortname,yesterday,'Iconfessed.'Youarenottosupposethathehasn'tgotalongername,ifhechosetouseit,'saidmyaunt,withaloftierair.'Babley-Mr.RichardBabley-that'sthegentleman'struename.'Iwasgoingtosuggest,withamodestsenseofmyyouthandthefamiliarityIhadbeenalreadyguiltyof,thatIhadbettergivehimthefullbenefitofthatname,whenmyauntwentontosay:'Butdon'tyoucallhimbyit,whateveryoudo.Hecan'tbearhisname.That'sapeculiarityofhis.ThoughIdon'tknowthatit's
muchofapeculiarity,either;forhehasbeenill-usedenough,bysomethatbearit,tohaveamortalantipathyforit,Heavenknows.Mr.Dickishisnamehere,andeverywhereelse,now-ifheeverwentanywhereelse,whichhedon't.Sotakecare,child,youdon'tcallhimanythingBUTMr.Dick.'Ipromisedtoobey,andwentupstairswithmymessage;thinking,asIwent,thatifMr.DickhadbeenworkingathisMemoriallong,atthesamerateasIhadseenhimworkingatit,throughtheopendoor,whenIcamedown,hewasprobablygettingonverywellindeed.Ifoundhimstilldrivingatitwithalongpen,andhisheadalmostlaiduponthepaper.Hewassointentuponit,thatIhadampleleisuretoobservethelargepaperkiteinacorner,theconfusionofbundlesofmanuscript,thenumberofpens,and,aboveall,thequantityofink(whichheseemedtohavein,inhalf-gallonjarsbythedozen),beforeheobservedmybeingpresent.'Ha!Phoebus!'saidMr.Dick,layingdownhispen.'Howdoestheworldgo?I'lltellyouwhat,'headded,inalowertone,'Ishouldn'twishittobementioned,butit'sa-'herehebeckonedtome,andputhislipsclosetomyear-'it'samadworld.MadasBedlam,boy!'saidMr.Dick,takingsnufffromaroundboxon
thetable,andlaughingheartily.Withoutpresumingtogivemyopiniononthisquestion,Ideliveredmymessage.'Well,'saidMr.Dick,inanswer,'mycomplimentstoher,andI-IbelieveIhavemadeastart.IthinkIhavemadeastart,'saidMr.Dick,passinghishandamonghisgreyhair,andcastinganythingbutaconfidentlookathismanuscript.'Youhavebeentoschool?''Yes,sir,'Ianswered;'forashorttime.''Doyourecollectthedate,'saidMr.Dick,lookingearnestlyatme,andtakinguphispentonoteitdown,'whenKingCharlestheFirsthadhisheadcutoff?'IsaidIbelievedithappenedintheyearsixteenhundredandforty-nine.'Well,'returnedMr.Dick,scratchinghisearwithhispen,andlookingdubiouslyatme.'Sothebookssay;butIdon'tseehowthatcanbe.Because,ifitwassolongago,howcouldthepeopleabouthimhavemadethatmistakeofputtingsomeofthetroubleout
ofhishead,afteritwastakenoff,intomine?'Iwasverymuchsurprisedbytheinquiry;butcouldgivenoinformationonthispoint.'It'sverystrange,'saidMr.Dick,withadespondentlookuponhispapers,andwithhishandamonghishairagain,'thatInevercangetthatquiteright.Inevercanmakethatperfectlyclear.Butnomatter,nomatter!'hesaidcheerfully,androusinghimself,'there'stimeenough!MycomplimentstoMissTrotwood,Iamgettingonverywellindeed.'Iwasgoingaway,whenhedirectedmyattentiontothekite.'Whatdoyouthinkofthatforakite?'hesaid.Iansweredthatitwasabeautifulone.Ishouldthinkitmusthavebeenasmuchassevenfeethigh.'Imadeit.We'llgoandflyit,youandI,'saidMr.Dick.'Doyouseethis?'Heshowedmethatitwascoveredwithmanuscript,verycloselyand
laboriouslywritten;butsoplainly,thatasIlookedalongthelines,IthoughtIsawsomeallusiontoKingCharlestheFirst'sheadagain,inoneortwoplaces.'There'splentyofstring,'saidMr.Dick,'andwhenitflieshigh,ittakesthefactsalongway.That'smymannerofdiffusing'em.Idon'tknowwheretheymaycomedown.It'saccordingtocircumstances,andthewind,andsoforth;butItakemychanceofthat.'Hisfacewassoverymildandpleasant,andhadsomethingsoreverendinit,thoughitwashaleandhearty,thatIwasnotsurebutthathewashavingagood-humouredjestwithme.SoIlaughed,andhelaughed,andwepartedthebestfriendspossible.'Well,child,'saidmyaunt,whenIwentdownstairs.'AndwhatofMr.Dick,thismorning?'Iinformedherthathesenthiscompliments,andwasgettingonverywellindeed.'Whatdoyouthinkofhim?'saidmyaunt.
Ihadsomeshadowyideaofendeavouringtoevadethequestion,byreplyingthatIthoughthimaverynicegentleman;butmyauntwasnottobesoputoff,forshelaidherworkdowninherlap,andsaid,foldingherhandsuponit:'Come!YoursisterBetseyTrotwoodwouldhavetoldmewhatshethoughtofanyone,directly.Beaslikeyoursisterasyoucan,andspeakout!''Ishe-isMr.Dick-IaskbecauseIdon'tknow,aunt-isheatalloutofhismind,then?'Istammered;forIfeltIwasondangerousground.'Notamorsel,'saidmyaunt.'Oh,indeed!'Iobservedfaintly.'Ifthereisanythingintheworld,'saidmyaunt,withgreatdecisionandforceofmanner,'thatMr.Dickisnot,it'sthat.'Ihadnothingbettertooffer,thananothertimid,'Oh,indeed!''HehasbeenCALLEDmad,'saidmyaunt.'Ihaveaselfishpleasure
insayinghehasbeencalledmad,orIshouldnothavehadthebenefitofhissocietyandadvicefortheselasttenyearsandupwards-infact,eversinceyoursister,BetseyTrotwood,disappointedme.''Solongasthat?'Isaid.'Andnicepeopletheywere,whohadtheaudacitytocallhimmad,'pursuedmyaunt.'Mr.Dickisasortofdistantconnexionofmine-itdoesn'tmatterhow;Ineedn'tenterintothat.Ifithadn'tbeenforme,hisownbrotherwouldhaveshuthimupforlife.That'sall.'Iamafraiditwashypocriticalinme,butseeingthatmyauntfeltstronglyonthesubject,ItriedtolookasifIfeltstronglytoo.'Aproudfool!'saidmyaunt.'Becausehisbrotherwasalittleeccentric-thoughheisnothalfsoeccentricasagoodmanypeople-hedidn'tliketohavehimvisibleabouthishouse,andsenthimawaytosomeprivateasylum-place:thoughhehadbeenlefttohisparticularcarebytheirdeceasedfather,whothoughthimalmostanatural.Andawisemanhemusthavebeentothinkso!Madhimself,nodoubt.'
Again,asmyauntlookedquiteconvinced,Iendeavouredtolookquiteconvincedalso.'SoIsteppedin,'saidmyaunt,'andmadehimanoffer.Isaid,"Yourbrother'ssane-agreatdealmoresanethanyouare,oreverwillbe,itistobehoped.Lethimhavehislittleincome,andcomeandlivewithme.Iamnotafraidofhim,Iamnotproud,Iamreadytotakecareofhim,andshallnotill-treathimassomepeople(besidestheasylum-folks)havedone."Afteragooddealofsquabbling,'saidmyaunt,'Igothim;andhehasbeenhereeversince.Heisthemostfriendlyandamenablecreatureinexistence;andasforadvice!-Butnobodyknowswhatthatman'smindis,exceptmyself.'Myauntsmoothedherdressandshookherhead,asifshesmootheddefianceofthewholeworldoutoftheone,andshookitoutoftheother.'Hehadafavouritesister,'saidmyaunt,'agoodcreature,andverykindtohim.Butshedidwhattheyalldo-tookahusband.AndHEdidwhattheyalldo-madeherwretched.IthadsuchaneffectuponthemindofMr.Dick(that'snotmadness,Ihope!)
that,combinedwithhisfearofhisbrother,andhissenseofhisunkindness,itthrewhimintoafever.Thatwasbeforehecametome,buttherecollectionofitisoppressivetohimevennow.DidhesayanythingtoyouaboutKingCharlestheFirst,child?''Yes,aunt.''Ah!'saidmyaunt,rubbinghernoseasifshewerealittlevexed.'That'shisallegoricalwayofexpressingit.Heconnectshisillnesswithgreatdisturbanceandagitation,naturally,andthat'sthefigure,orthesimile,orwhateverit'scalled,whichhechoosestouse.Andwhyshouldn'the,ifhethinksproper!'Isaid:'Certainly,aunt.''It'snotabusiness-likewayofspeaking,'saidmyaunt,'noraworldlyway.Iamawareofthat;andthat'sthereasonwhyIinsistuponit,thatthereshan'tbeawordaboutitinhisMemorial.''IsitaMemorialabouthisownhistorythatheiswriting,aunt?''Yes,child,'saidmyaunt,rubbinghernoseagain.'Heis
memorializingtheLordChancellor,ortheLordSomebodyorother-oneofthosepeople,atallevents,whoarepaidtobememorialized-abouthisaffairs.Isupposeitwillgoin,oneofthesedays.Hehasn'tbeenabletodrawitupyet,withoutintroducingthatmodeofexpressinghimself;butitdon'tsignify;itkeepshimemployed.'Infact,IfoundoutafterwardsthatMr.DickhadbeenforupwardsoftenyearsendeavouringtokeepKingCharlestheFirstoutoftheMemorial;buthehadbeenconstantlygettingintoit,andwastherenow.'Isayagain,'saidmyaunt,'nobodyknowswhatthatman'smindisexceptmyself;andhe'sthemostamenableandfriendlycreatureinexistence.Ifhelikestoflyakitesometimes,whatofthat!Franklinusedtoflyakite.HewasaQuaker,orsomethingofthatsort,ifIamnotmistaken.AndaQuakerflyingakiteisamuchmoreridiculousobjectthananybodyelse.'IfIcouldhavesupposedthatmyaunthadrecountedtheseparticularsformyespecialbehoof,andasapieceofconfidenceinme,Ishouldhavefeltverymuchdistinguished,andshouldhaveauguredfavourablyfromsuchamarkofhergoodopinion.ButI
couldhardlyhelpobservingthatshehadlaunchedintothem,chieflybecausethequestionwasraisedinherownmind,andwithverylittlereferencetome,thoughshehadaddressedherselftomeintheabsenceofanybodyelse.Atthesametime,ImustsaythatthegenerosityofherchampionshipofpoorharmlessMr.Dick,notonlyinspiredmyyoungbreastwithsomeselfishhopeformyself,butwarmeditunselfishlytowardsher.IbelievethatIbegantoknowthattherewassomethingaboutmyaunt,notwithstandinghermanyeccentricitiesandoddhumours,tobehonouredandtrustedin.Thoughshewasjustassharpthatdayasonthedaybefore,andwasinandoutaboutthedonkeysjustasoften,andwasthrownintoatremendousstateofindignation,whenayoungman,goingby,ogledJanetatawindow(whichwasoneofthegravestmisdemeanoursthatcouldbecommittedagainstmyaunt'sdignity),sheseemedtometocommandmoreofmyrespect,ifnotlessofmyfear.TheanxietyIunderwent,intheintervalwhichnecessarilyelapsedbeforeareplycouldbereceivedtoherlettertoMr.Murdstone,wasextreme;butImadeanendeavourtosuppressit,andtobeasagreeableasIcouldinaquietway,bothtomyauntandMr.Dick.ThelatterandIwouldhavegoneouttoflythegreatkite;but
thatIhadstillnootherclothesthantheanythingbutornamentalgarmentswithwhichIhadbeendecoratedonthefirstday,andwhichconfinedmetothehouse,exceptforanhourafterdark,whenmyaunt,formyhealth'ssake,paradedmeupanddownonthecliffoutside,beforegoingtobed.AtlengththereplyfromMr.Murdstonecame,andmyauntinformedme,tomyinfiniteterror,thathewascomingtospeaktoherherselfonthenextday.Onthenextday,stillbundledupinmycurioushabiliments,Isatcountingthetime,flushedandheatedbytheconflictofsinkinghopesandrisingfearswithinme;andwaitingtobestartledbythesightofthegloomyface,whosenon-arrivalstartledmeeveryminute.MYauntwasalittlemoreimperiousandsternthanusual,butIobservednoothertokenofherpreparingherselftoreceivethevisitorsomuchdreadedbyme.Shesatatworkinthewindow,andIsatby,withmythoughtsrunningastrayonallpossibleandimpossibleresultsofMr.Murdstone'svisit,untilprettylateintheafternoon.Ourdinnerhadbeenindefinitelypostponed;butitwasgrowingsolate,thatmyaunthadorderedittobegotready,whenshegaveasuddenalarmofdonkeys,andtomyconsternationandamazement,IbeheldMissMurdstone,onaside-saddle,ridedeliberatelyoverthesacredpieceofgreen,andstopinfrontof
thehouse,lookingabouther.'Goalongwithyou!'criedmyaunt,shakingherheadandherfistatthewindow.'Youhavenobusinessthere.Howdareyoutrespass?Goalong!Oh!youbold-facedthing!'MYauntwassoexasperatedbythecoolnesswithwhichMissMurdstonelookedabouther,thatIreallybelieveshewasmotionless,andunableforthemomenttodartoutaccordingtocustom.Iseizedtheopportunitytoinformherwhoitwas;andthatthegentlemannowcomingneartheoffender(forthewayupwasverysteep,andhehaddroppedbehind),wasMr.Murdstonehimself.'Idon'tcarewhoitis!'criedmyaunt,stillshakingherheadandgesticulatinganythingbutwelcomefromthebow-window.'Iwon'tbetrespassedupon.Iwon'tallowit.Goaway!Janet,turnhimround.Leadhimoff!'andIsaw,frombehindmyaunt,asortofhurriedbattle-piece,inwhichthedonkeystoodresistingeverybody,withallhisfourlegsplanteddifferentways,whileJanettriedtopullhimroundbythebridle,Mr.Murdstonetriedtoleadhimon,MissMurdstonestruckatJanetwithaparasol,andseveralboys,whohadcometoseetheengagement,shoutedvigorously.Butmyaunt,suddenlydescryingamongthemtheyoung
malefactorwhowasthedonkey'sguardian,andwhowasoneofthemostinveterateoffendersagainsther,thoughhardlyinhisteens,rushedouttothesceneofaction,pounceduponhim,capturedhim,draggedhim,withhisjacketoverhishead,andhisheelsgrindingtheground,intothegarden,and,callinguponJanettofetchtheconstablesandjustices,thathemightbetaken,tried,andexecutedonthespot,heldhimatbaythere.Thispartofthebusiness,however,didnotlastlong;fortheyoungrascal,beingexpertatavarietyoffeintsanddodges,ofwhichmyaunthadnoconception,soonwentwhoopingaway,leavingsomedeepimpressionsofhisnailedbootsintheflower-beds,andtakinghisdonkeyintriumphwithhim.MissMurdstone,duringthelatterportionofthecontest,haddismounted,andwasnowwaitingwithherbrotheratthebottomofthesteps,untilmyauntshouldbeatleisuretoreceivethem.Myaunt,alittleruffledbythecombat,marchedpastthemintothehouse,withgreatdignity,andtooknonoticeoftheirpresence,untiltheywereannouncedbyJanet.'ShallIgoaway,aunt?'Iasked,trembling.'No,sir,'saidmyaunt.'Certainlynot!'Withwhichshepushed
meintoacornernearher,andfencedMeinwithachair,asifitwereaprisonorabarofjustice.ThispositionIcontinuedtooccupyduringthewholeinterview,andfromitInowsawMr.andMissMurdstoneentertheroom.'Oh!'saidmyaunt,'IwasnotawareatfirsttowhomIhadthepleasureofobjecting.ButIdon'tallowanybodytorideoverthatturf.Imakenoexceptions.Idon'tallowanybodytodoit.''Yourregulationisratherawkwardtostrangers,'saidMissMurdstone.'Isit!'saidmyaunt.Mr.Murdstoneseemedafraidofarenewalofhostilities,andinterposingbegan:'MissTrotwood!''Ibegyourpardon,'observedmyauntwithakeenlook.'YouaretheMr.Murdstonewhomarriedthewidowofmylatenephew,DavidCopperfield,ofBlunderstoneRookery!-ThoughwhyRookery,Idon'tknow!'
'Iam,'saidMr.Murdstone.'You'llexcusemysaying,sir,'returnedmyaunt,'thatIthinkitwouldhavebeenamuchbetterandhappierthingifyouhadleftthatpoorchildalone.''IsofaragreewithwhatMissTrotwoodhasremarked,'observedMissMurdstone,bridling,'thatIconsiderourlamentedClaratohavebeen,inallessentialrespects,amerechild.''Itisacomforttoyouandme,ma'am,'saidmyaunt,'whoaregettingoninlife,andarenotlikelytobemadeunhappybyourpersonalattractions,thatnobodycansaythesameofus.''Nodoubt!'returnedMissMurdstone,though,Ithought,notwithaveryreadyorgraciousassent.'Anditcertainlymighthavebeen,asyousay,abetterandhappierthingformybrotherifhehadneverenteredintosuchamarriage.Ihavealwaysbeenofthatopinion.''Ihavenodoubtyouhave,'saidmyaunt.'Janet,'ringingthebell,'mycomplimentstoMr.Dick,andbeghimtocomedown.'
Untilhecame,myauntsatperfectlyuprightandstiff,frowningatthewall.Whenhecame,myauntperformedtheceremonyofintroduction.'Mr.Dick.Anoldandintimatefriend.Onwhosejudgement,'saidmyaunt,withemphasis,asanadmonitiontoMr.Dick,whowasbitinghisforefingerandlookingratherfoolish,'Irely.'Mr.Dicktookhisfingeroutofhismouth,onthishint,andstoodamongthegroup,withagraveandattentiveexpressionofface.MyauntinclinedherheadtoMr.Murdstone,whowenton:'MissTrotwood:onthereceiptofyourletter,Iconsidereditanactofgreaterjusticetomyself,andperhapsofmorerespecttoyou-''Thankyou,'saidmyaunt,stilleyeinghimkeenly.'Youneedn'tmindme.''Toansweritinperson,howeverinconvenientthejourney,'pursuedMr.Murdstone,'ratherthanbyletter.Thisunhappyboywhohas
runawayfromhisfriendsandhisoccupation-''Andwhoseappearance,'interposedhissister,directinggeneralattentiontomeinmyindefinablecostume,'isperfectlyscandalousanddisgraceful.''JaneMurdstone,'saidherbrother,'havethegoodnessnottointerruptme.Thisunhappyboy,MissTrotwood,hasbeentheoccasionofmuchdomestictroubleanduneasiness;bothduringthelifetimeofmylatedearwife,andsince.Hehasasullen,rebelliousspirit;aviolenttemper;andanuntoward,intractabledisposition.Bothmysisterandmyselfhaveendeavouredtocorrecthisvices,butineffectually.AndIhavefelt-webothhavefelt,Imaysay;mysisterbeingfullyinmyconfidence-thatitisrightyoushouldreceivethisgraveanddispassionateassurancefromourlips.''Itcanhardlybenecessaryformetoconfirmanythingstatedbymybrother,'saidMissMurdstone;'butIbegtoobserve,that,ofalltheboysintheworld,Ibelievethisistheworstboy.''Strong!'saidmyaunt,shortly.
'Butnotatalltoostrongforthefacts,'returnedMissMurdstone.'Ha!'saidmyaunt.'Well,sir?''Ihavemyownopinions,'resumedMr.Murdstone,whosefacedarkenedmoreandmore,themoreheandmyauntobservedeachother,whichtheydidverynarrowly,'astothebestmodeofbringinghimup;theyarefounded,inpart,onmyknowledgeofhim,andinpartonmyknowledgeofmyownmeansandresources.Iamresponsibleforthemtomyself,Iactuponthem,andIsaynomoreaboutthem.ItisenoughthatIplacethisboyundertheeyeofafriendofmyown,inarespectablebusiness;thatitdoesnotpleasehim;thatherunsawayfromit;makeshimselfacommonvagabondaboutthecountry;andcomeshere,inrags,toappealtoyou,MissTrotwood.Iwishtosetbeforeyou,honourably,theexactconsequences-sofarastheyarewithinmyknowledge-ofyourabettinghiminthisappeal.''Butabouttherespectablebusinessfirst,'saidmyaunt.'Ifhehadbeenyourownboy,youwouldhaveputhimtoit,justthesame,Isuppose?''Ifhehadbeenmybrother'sownboy,'returnedMissMurdstone,
strikingin,'hischaracter,Itrust,wouldhavebeenaltogetherdifferent.''Orifthepoorchild,hismother,hadbeenalive,hewouldstillhavegoneintotherespectablebusiness,wouldhe?'saidmyaunt.'Ibelieve,'saidMr.Murdstone,withaninclinationofhishead,'thatClarawouldhavedisputednothingwhichmyselfandmysisterJaneMurdstonewereagreedwasforthebest.'MissMurdstoneconfirmedthiswithanaudiblemurmur.'Humph!'saidmyaunt.'Unfortunatebaby!'Mr.Dick,whohadbeenrattlinghismoneyallthistime,wasrattlingitsoloudlynow,thatmyauntfeltitnecessarytocheckhimwithalook,beforesaying:'Thepoorchild'sannuitydiedwithher?''Diedwithher,'repliedMr.Murdstone.'Andtherewasnosettlementofthelittleproperty-thehouseand
garden-thewhat's-its-nameRookerywithoutanyrooksinit-uponherboy?''Ithadbeenlefttoher,unconditionally,byherfirsthusband,'Mr.Murdstonebegan,whenmyauntcaughthimupwiththegreatestirascibilityandimpatience.'GoodLord,man,there'snooccasiontosaythat.Lefttoherunconditionally!IthinkIseeDavidCopperfieldlookingforwardtoanyconditionofanysortorkind,thoughitstaredhimpoint-blankintheface!Ofcourseitwaslefttoherunconditionally.Butwhenshemarriedagain-whenshetookthatmostdisastrousstepofmarryingyou,inshort,'saidmyaunt,'tobeplain-didnooneputinawordfortheboyatthattime?''Mylatewifelovedhersecondhusband,ma'am,'saidMr.Murdstone,'andtrustedimplicitlyinhim.''Yourlatewife,sir,wasamostunworldly,mostunhappy,mostunfortunatebaby,'returnedmyaunt,shakingherheadathim.'That'swhatshewas.Andnow,whathaveyougottosaynext?''Merelythis,MissTrotwood,'hereturned.'Iamheretotake
Davidback-totakehimbackunconditionally,todisposeofhimasIthinkproper,andtodealwithhimasIthinkright.Iamnotheretomakeanypromise,orgiveanypledgetoanybody.Youmaypossiblyhavesomeidea,MissTrotwood,ofabettinghiminhisrunningaway,andinhiscomplaintstoyou.Yourmanner,whichImustsaydoesnotseemintendedtopropitiate,inducesmetothinkitpossible.NowImustcautionyouthatifyouabethimonce,youabethimforgoodandall;ifyoustepinbetweenhimandme,now,youmuststepin,MissTrotwood,forever.Icannottrifle,orbetrifledwith.Iamhere,forthefirstandlasttime,totakehimaway.Ishereadytogo?Ifheisnot-andyoutellmeheisnot;onanypretence;itisindifferenttomewhat-mydoorsareshutagainsthimhenceforth,andyours,Itakeitforgranted,areopentohim.'Tothisaddress,myaunthadlistenedwiththeclosestattention,sittingperfectlyupright,withherhandsfoldedononeknee,andlookinggrimlyonthespeaker.Whenhehadfinished,sheturnedhereyessoastocommandMissMurdstone,withoutotherwisedisturbingherattitude,andsaid:'Well,ma'am,haveYOUgotanythingtoremark?'
'Indeed,MissTrotwood,'saidMissMurdstone,'allthatIcouldsayhasbeensowellsaidbymybrother,andallthatIknowtobethefacthasbeensoplainlystatedbyhim,thatIhavenothingtoaddexceptmythanksforyourpoliteness.Foryourverygreatpoliteness,Iamsure,'saidMissMurdstone;withanironywhichnomoreaffectedmyaunt,thanitdiscomposedthecannonIhadsleptbyatChatham.'Andwhatdoestheboysay?'saidmyaunt.'Areyoureadytogo,David?'Iansweredno,andentreatedhernottoletmego.IsaidthatneitherMr.norMissMurdstonehadeverlikedme,orhadeverbeenkindtome.Thattheyhadmademymama,whoalwayslovedmedearly,unhappyaboutme,andthatIknewitwell,andthatPeggottyknewit.IsaidthatIhadbeenmoremiserablethanIthoughtanybodycouldbelieve,whoonlyknewhowyoungIwas.AndIbeggedandprayedmyaunt-Iforgetinwhattermsnow,butIrememberthattheyaffectedmeverymuchthen-tobefriendandprotectme,formyfather'ssake.'Mr.Dick,'saidmyaunt,'whatshallIdowiththischild?'
Mr.Dickconsidered,hesitated,brightened,andrejoined,'Havehimmeasuredforasuitofclothesdirectly.''Mr.Dick,'saidmyaunttriumphantly,'givemeyourhand,foryourcommonsenseisinvaluable.'Havingshakenitwithgreatcordiality,shepulledmetowardsherandsaidtoMr.Murdstone:'Youcangowhenyoulike;I'lltakemychancewiththeboy.Ifhe'sallyousayheis,atleastIcandoasmuchforhimthen,asyouhavedone.ButIdon'tbelieveawordofit.''MissTrotwood,'rejoinedMr.Murdstone,shrugginghisshoulders,asherose,'ifyouwereagentleman-''Bah!Stuffandnonsense!'saidmyaunt.'Don'ttalktome!''Howexquisitelypolite!'exclaimedMissMurdstone,rising.'Overpowering,really!''DoyouthinkIdon'tknow,'saidmyaunt,turningadeafeartothesister,andcontinuingtoaddressthebrother,andtoshakeherheadathimwithinfiniteexpression,'whatkindoflifeyoumusthaveledthatpoor,unhappy,misdirectedbaby?DoyouthinkI
don'tknowwhatawoefuldayitwasforthesoftlittlecreaturewhenyoufirstcameinherway-smirkingandmakinggreateyesather,I'llbebound,asifyoucouldn'tsayboh!toagoose!''Ineverheardanythingsoelegant!'saidMissMurdstone.'DoyouthinkIcan'tunderstandyouaswellasifIhadseenyou,'pursuedmyaunt,'nowthatIDOseeandhearyou-which,Itellyoucandidly,isanythingbutapleasuretome?Ohyes,blessus!whososmoothandsilkyasMr.Murdstoneatfirst!Thepoor,benightedinnocenthadneverseensuchaman.Hewasmadeofsweetness.Heworshippedher.Hedotedonherboy-tenderlydotedonhim!Hewastobeanotherfathertohim,andtheywerealltolivetogetherinagardenofroses,weren'tthey?Ugh!Getalongwithyou,do!'saidmyaunt.'Ineverheardanythinglikethispersoninmylife!'exclaimedMissMurdstone.'Andwhenyouhadmadesureofthepoorlittlefool,'saidmyaunt-'GodforgivemethatIshouldcallherso,andshegonewhereYOUwon'tgoinahurry-becauseyouhadnotdonewrongenoughtoherandhers,youmustbegintotrainher,mustyou?begintobreak
her,likeapoorcagedbird,andwearherdeludedlifeaway,inteachinghertosingYOURnotes?''Thisiseitherinsanityorintoxication,'saidMissMurdstone,inaperfectagonyatnotbeingabletoturnthecurrentofmyaunt'saddresstowardsherself;'andmysuspicionisthatit'sintoxication.'MissBetsey,withouttakingtheleastnoticeoftheinterruption,continuedtoaddressherselftoMr.Murdstoneasiftherehadbeennosuchthing.'Mr.Murdstone,'shesaid,shakingherfingerathim,'youwereatyranttothesimplebaby,andyoubrokeherheart.Shewasalovingbaby-Iknowthat;Iknewit,yearsbeforeyoueversawher-andthroughthebestpartofherweaknessyougaveherthewoundsshediedof.Thereisthetruthforyourcomfort,howeveryoulikeit.Andyouandyourinstrumentsmaymakethemostofit.''Allowmetoinquire,MissTrotwood,'interposedMissMurdstone,'whomyouarepleasedtocall,inachoiceofwordsinwhichIamnotexperienced,mybrother'sinstruments?'
'Itwasclearenough,asIhavetoldyou,yearsbeforeYOUeversawher-andwhy,inthemysteriousdispensationsofProvidence,youeverdidseeher,ismorethanhumanitycancomprehend-itwasclearenoughthatthepoorsoftlittlethingwouldmarrysomebody,atsometimeorother;butIdidhopeitwouldn'thavebeenasbadasithasturnedout.Thatwasthetime,Mr.Murdstone,whenshegavebirthtoherboyhere,'saidmyaunt;'tothepoorchildyousometimestormentedherthroughafterwards,whichisadisagreeableremembranceandmakesthesightofhimodiousnow.Aye,aye!youneedn'twince!'saidmyaunt.'Iknowit'struewithoutthat.'Hehadstoodbythedoor,allthiswhile,observantofherwithasmileuponhisface,thoughhisblackeyebrowswereheavilycontracted.Iremarkednow,that,thoughthesmilewasonhisfacestill,hiscolourhadgoneinamoment,andheseemedtobreatheasifhehadbeenrunning.'Goodday,sir,'saidmyaunt,'andgood-bye!Gooddaytoyou,too,ma'am,'saidmyaunt,turningsuddenlyuponhissister.'Letmeseeyourideadonkeyovermygreenagain,andassureasyouhaveaheaduponyourshoulders,I'llknockyourbonnetoff,andtreaduponit!'
Itwouldrequireapainter,andnocommonpaintertoo,todepictmyaunt'sfaceasshedeliveredherselfofthisveryunexpectedsentiment,andMissMurdstone'sfaceassheheardit.Butthemannerofthespeech,nolessthanthematter,wassofiery,thatMissMurdstone,withoutawordinanswer,discreetlyputherarmthroughherbrother's,andwalkedhaughtilyoutofthecottage;myauntremaininginthewindowlookingafterthem;prepared,Ihavenodoubt,incaseofthedonkey'sreappearance,tocarryherthreatintoinstantexecution.Noattemptatdefiancebeingmade,however,herfacegraduallyrelaxed,andbecamesopleasant,thatIwasemboldenedtokissandthankher;whichIdidwithgreatheartiness,andwithbothmyarmsclaspedroundherneck.IthenshookhandswithMr.Dick,whoshookhandswithmeagreatmanytimes,andhailedthishappycloseoftheproceedingswithrepeatedburstsoflaughter.'You'llconsideryourselfguardian,jointlywithme,ofthischild,Mr.Dick,'saidmyaunt.'Ishallbedelighted,'saidMr.Dick,'tobetheguardianofDavid'sson.'
'Verygood,'returnedmyaunt,'that'ssettled.Ihavebeenthinking,doyouknow,Mr.Dick,thatImightcallhimTrotwood?''Certainly,certainly.CallhimTrotwood,certainly,'saidMr.Dick.'David'sson'sTrotwood.''TrotwoodCopperfield,youmean,'returnedmyaunt.'Yes,tobesure.Yes.TrotwoodCopperfield,'saidMr.Dick,alittleabashed.Myaunttooksokindlytothenotion,thatsomeready-madeclothes,whichwerepurchasedformethatafternoon,weremarked'TrotwoodCopperfield',inherownhandwriting,andinindeliblemarking-ink,beforeIputthemon;anditwassettledthatalltheotherclotheswhichwereorderedtobemadeforme(acompleteoutfitwasbespokethatafternoon)shouldbemarkedinthesameway.ThusIbeganmynewlife,inanewname,andwitheverythingnewaboutme.Nowthatthestateofdoubtwasover,Ifelt,formanydays,likeoneinadream.IneverthoughtthatIhadacuriouscoupleofguardians,inmyauntandMr.Dick.Ineverthoughtofanythingaboutmyself,distinctly.Thetwothingsclearestinmy
mindwere,thataremotenesshadcomeupontheoldBlunderstonelife-whichseemedtolieinthehazeofanimmeasurabledistance;andthatacurtainhadforeverfallenonmylifeatMurdstoneandGrinby's.Noonehaseverraisedthatcurtainsince.Ihavelifteditforamoment,eveninthisnarrative,withareluctanthand,anddroppeditgladly.Theremembranceofthatlifeisfraughtwithsomuchpaintome,withsomuchmentalsufferingandwantofhope,thatIhaveneverhadthecourageeventoexaminehowlongIwasdoomedtoleadit.Whetheritlastedforayear,ormore,orless,Idonotknow.Ionlyknowthatitwas,andceasedtobe;andthatIhavewritten,andthereIleaveit.CHAPTER15IMAKEANOTHERBEGINNINGMr.DickandIsoonbecamethebestoffriends,andveryoften,whenhisday'sworkwasdone,wentouttogethertoflythegreatkite.EverydayofhislifehehadalongsittingattheMemorial,whichnevermadetheleastprogress,howeverhardhelaboured,forKingCharlestheFirstalwaysstrayedintoit,soonerorlater,andthenitwasthrownaside,andanotheronebegun.Thepatienceand
hopewithwhichheboretheseperpetualdisappointments,themildperceptionhehadthattherewassomethingwrongaboutKingCharlestheFirst,thefeebleeffortshemadetokeephimout,andthecertaintywithwhichhecamein,andtumbledtheMemorialoutofallshape,madeadeepimpressiononme.WhatMr.DicksupposedwouldcomeoftheMemorial,ifitwerecompleted;wherehethoughtitwastogo,orwhathethoughtitwastodo;heknewnomorethananybodyelse,Ibelieve.Norwasitatallnecessarythatheshouldtroublehimselfwithsuchquestions,forifanythingwerecertainunderthesun,itwascertainthattheMemorialneverwouldbefinished.Itwasquiteanaffectingsight,Iusedtothink,toseehimwiththekitewhenitwasupagreatheightintheair.Whathehadtoldme,inhisroom,abouthisbeliefinitsdisseminatingthestatementspastedonit,whichwerenothingbutoldleavesofabortiveMemorials,mighthavebeenafancywithhimsometimes;butnotwhenhewasout,lookingupatthekiteinthesky,andfeelingitpullandtugathishand.Heneverlookedsosereneashedidthen.Iusedtofancy,asIsatbyhimofanevening,onagreenslope,andsawhimwatchthekitehighinthequietair,thatitliftedhismindoutofitsconfusion,andboreit(suchwasmyboyishthought)intotheskies.Ashewoundthestringinanditcamelowerandlowerdownoutofthebeautifullight,untilitflutteredtotheground,andlaytherelikeadead
thing,heseemedtowakegraduallyoutofadream;andIremembertohaveseenhimtakeitup,andlookabouthiminalostway,asiftheyhadbothcomedowntogether,sothatIpitiedhimwithallmyheart.WhileIadvancedinfriendshipandintimacywithMr.Dick,Ididnotgobackwardinthefavourofhisstaunchfriend,myaunt.Shetooksokindlytome,that,inthecourseofafewweeks,sheshortenedmyadoptednameofTrotwoodintoTrot;andevenencouragedmetohope,thatifIwentonasIhadbegun,ImighttakeequalrankinheraffectionswithmysisterBetseyTrotwood.'Trot,'saidmyauntoneevening,whenthebackgammon-boardwasplacedasusualforherselfandMr.Dick,'wemustnotforgetyoureducation.'Thiswasmyonlysubjectofanxiety,andIfeltquitedelightedbyherreferringtoit.'ShouldyouliketogotoschoolatCanterbury?'saidmyaunt.IrepliedthatIshouldlikeitverymuch,asitwassonearher.
'Good,'saidmyaunt.'Shouldyouliketogotomorrow?'Beingalreadynostrangertothegeneralrapidityofmyaunt'sevolutions,Iwasnotsurprisedbythesuddennessoftheproposal,andsaid:'Yes.''Good,'saidmyauntagain.'Janet,hirethegreyponyandchaisetomorrowmorningatteno'clock,andpackupMasterTrotwood'sclothestonight.'Iwasgreatlyelatedbytheseorders;butmyheartsmotemeformyselfishness,whenIwitnessedtheireffectonMr.Dick,whowassolow-spiritedattheprospectofourseparation,andplayedsoillinconsequence,thatmyaunt,aftergivinghimseveraladmonitoryrapsontheknuckleswithherdice-box,shutuptheboard,anddeclinedtoplaywithhimanymore.But,onhearingfrommyauntthatIshouldsometimescomeoveronaSaturday,andthathecouldsometimescomeandseemeonaWednesday,herevived;andvowedtomakeanotherkiteforthoseoccasions,ofproportionsgreatlysurpassingthepresentone.Inthemorninghewasdownheartedagain,andwouldhavesustainedhimselfbygivingmeallthemoneyhehadinhispossession,goldandsilvertoo,ifmyaunthadnotinterposed,andlimitedthegifttofiveshillings,which,athis
earnestpetition,wereafterwardsincreasedtoten.Wepartedatthegarden-gateinamostaffectionatemanner,andMr.Dickdidnotgointothehouseuntilmyaunthaddrivenmeoutofsightofit.Myaunt,whowasperfectlyindifferenttopublicopinion,drovethegreyponythroughDoverinamasterlymanner;sittinghighandstifflikeastatecoachman,keepingasteadyeyeuponhimwhereverhewent,andmakingapointofnotlettinghimhavehisownwayinanyrespect.Whenwecameintothecountryroad,shepermittedhimtorelaxalittle,however;andlookingatmedowninavalleyofcushionbyherside,askedmewhetherIwashappy?'Veryhappyindeed,thankyou,aunt,'Isaid.Shewasmuchgratified;andbothherhandsbeingoccupied,pattedmeontheheadwithherwhip.'Isitalargeschool,aunt?'Iasked.'Why,Idon'tknow,'saidmyaunt.'WearegoingtoMr.Wickfield'sfirst.''Doeshekeepaschool?'Iasked.
'No,Trot,'saidmyaunt.'Hekeepsanoffice.'IaskedfornomoreinformationaboutMr.Wickfield,assheofferednone,andweconversedonothersubjectsuntilwecametoCanterbury,where,asitwasmarket-day,myaunthadagreatopportunityofinsinuatingthegreyponyamongcarts,baskets,vegetables,andhuckster'sgoods.Thehair-breadthturnsandtwistswemade,drewdownuponusavarietyofspeechesfromthepeoplestandingabout,whichwerenotalwayscomplimentary;butmyauntdroveonwithperfectindifference,andIdaresaywouldhavetakenherownwaywithasmuchcoolnessthroughanenemy'scountry.Atlengthwestoppedbeforeaveryoldhousebulgingoutovertheroad;ahousewithlonglowlattice-windowsbulgingoutstillfarther,andbeamswithcarvedheadsontheendsbulgingouttoo,sothatIfanciedthewholehousewasleaningforward,tryingtoseewhowaspassingonthenarrowpavementbelow.Itwasquitespotlessinitscleanliness.Theold-fashionedbrassknockeronthelowarcheddoor,ornamentedwithcarvedgarlandsoffruitandflowers,twinkledlikeastar;thetwostonestepsdescendingtothedoorwereaswhiteasiftheyhadbeencoveredwithfairlinen;andalltheanglesandcorners,andcarvingsandmouldings,and
quaintlittlepanesofglass,andquainterlittlewindows,thoughasoldasthehills,wereaspureasanysnowthateverfelluponthehills.Whenthepony-chaisestoppedatthedoor,andmyeyeswereintentuponthehouse,Isawacadaverousfaceappearatasmallwindowonthegroundfloor(inalittleroundtowerthatformedonesideofthehouse),andquicklydisappear.Thelowarcheddoorthenopened,andthefacecameout.Itwasquiteascadaverousasithadlookedinthewindow,thoughinthegrainofittherewasthattingeofredwhichissometimestobeobservedintheskinsofred-hairedpeople.Itbelongedtoared-hairedperson-ayouthoffifteen,asItakeitnow,butlookingmucholder-whosehairwascroppedascloseasthecloseststubble;whohadhardlyanyeyebrows,andnoeyelashes,andeyesofared-brown,sounshelteredandunshaded,thatIrememberwonderinghowhewenttosleep.Hewashigh-shoulderedandbony;dressedindecentblack,withawhitewispofaneckcloth;buttoneduptothethroat;andhadalong,lank,skeletonhand,whichparticularlyattractedmyattention,ashestoodatthepony'shead,rubbinghischinwithit,andlookingupatusinthechaise.'IsMr.Wickfieldathome,UriahHeep?'saidmyaunt.
'Mr.Wickfield'sathome,ma'am,'saidUriahHeep,'ifyou'llpleasetowalkinthere'-pointingwithhislonghandtotheroomhemeant.Wegotout;andleavinghimtoholdthepony,wentintoalonglowparlourlookingtowardsthestreet,fromthewindowofwhichIcaughtaglimpse,asIwentin,ofUriahHeepbreathingintothepony'snostrils,andimmediatelycoveringthemwithhishand,asifhewereputtingsomespelluponhim.Oppositetothetalloldchimney-pieceweretwoportraits:oneofagentlemanwithgreyhair(thoughnotbyanymeansanoldman)andblackeyebrows,whowaslookingoversomepaperstiedtogetherwithredtape;theother,ofalady,withaveryplacidandsweetexpressionofface,whowaslookingatme.IbelieveIwasturningaboutinsearchofUriah'spicture,when,adooratthefartherendoftheroomopening,agentlemanentered,atsightofwhomIturnedtothefirst-mentionedportraitagain,tomakequitesurethatithadnotcomeoutofitsframe.Butitwasstationary;andasthegentlemanadvancedintothelight,Isawthathewassomeyearsolderthanwhenhehadhadhispicturepainted.
'MissBetseyTrotwood,'saidthegentleman,'praywalkin.Iwasengagedforamoment,butyou'llexcusemybeingbusy.Youknowmymotive.Ihavebutoneinlife.'MissBetseythankedhim,andwewentintohisroom,whichwasfurnishedasanoffice,withbooks,papers,tinboxes,andsoforth.Itlookedintoagarden,andhadanironsafeletintothewall;soimmediatelyoverthemantelshelf,thatIwondered,asIsatdown,howthesweepsgotrounditwhentheysweptthechimney.'Well,MissTrotwood,'saidMr.Wickfield;forIsoonfoundthatitwashe,andthathewasalawyer,andstewardoftheestatesofarichgentlemanofthecounty;'whatwindblowsyouhere?Notanillwind,Ihope?''No,'repliedmyaunt.'Ihavenotcomeforanylaw.''That'sright,ma'am,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Youhadbettercomeforanythingelse.'Hishairwasquitewhitenow,thoughhiseyebrowswerestillblack.Hehadaveryagreeableface,and,Ithought,washandsome.Therewasacertainrichnessinhiscomplexion,whichIhadbeenlong
accustomed,underPeggotty'stuition,toconnectwithportwine;andIfancieditwasinhisvoicetoo,andreferredhisgrowingcorpulencytothesamecause.Hewasverycleanlydressed,inabluecoat,stripedwaistcoat,andnankeentrousers;andhisfinefrilledshirtandcambricneckclothlookedunusuallysoftandwhite,remindingmystrollingfancy(Icalltomind)oftheplumageonthebreastofaswan.'Thisismynephew,'saidmyaunt.'Wasn'tawareyouhadone,MissTrotwood,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Mygrand-nephew,thatistosay,'observedmyaunt.'Wasn'tawareyouhadagrand-nephew,Igiveyoumyword,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Ihaveadoptedhim,'saidmyaunt,withawaveofherhand,importingthathisknowledgeandhisignorancewereallonetoher,'andIhavebroughthimhere,toputtoaschoolwherehemaybethoroughlywelltaught,andwelltreated.Nowtellmewherethatschoolis,andwhatitis,andallaboutit.'
'BeforeIcanadviseyouproperly,'saidMr.Wickfield-'theoldquestion,youknow.What'syourmotiveinthis?''Deucetaketheman!'exclaimedmyaunt.'Alwaysfishingformotives,whenthey'reonthesurface!Why,tomakethechildhappyanduseful.''Itmustbeamixedmotive,Ithink,'saidMr.Wickfield,shakinghisheadandsmilingincredulously.'Amixedfiddlestick,'returnedmyaunt.'Youclaimtohaveoneplainmotiveinallyoudoyourself.Youdon'tsuppose,Ihope,thatyouaretheonlyplaindealerintheworld?''Ay,butIhaveonlyonemotiveinlife,MissTrotwood,'herejoined,smiling.'Otherpeoplehavedozens,scores,hundreds.Ihaveonlyone.There'sthedifference.However,that'sbesidethequestion.Thebestschool?Whateverthemotive,youwantthebest?'Myauntnoddedassent.'Atthebestwehave,'saidMr.Wickfield,considering,'your
nephewcouldn'tboardjustnow.''Buthecouldboardsomewhereelse,Isuppose?'suggestedmyaunt.Mr.WickfieldthoughtIcould.Afteralittlediscussion,heproposedtotakemyaunttotheschool,thatshemightseeitandjudgeforherself;also,totakeher,withthesameobject,totwoorthreehouseswherehethoughtIcouldbeboarded.Myauntembracingtheproposal,wewereallthreegoingouttogether,whenhestoppedandsaid:'Ourlittlefriendheremighthavesomemotive,perhaps,forobjectingtothearrangements.Ithinkwehadbetterleavehimbehind?'Myauntseemeddisposedtocontestthepoint;buttofacilitatemattersIsaidIwouldgladlyremainbehind,iftheypleased;andreturnedintoMr.Wickfield'soffice,whereIsatdownagain,inthechairIhadfirstoccupied,toawaittheirreturn.Itsohappenedthatthischairwasoppositeanarrowpassage,whichendedinthelittlecircularroomwhereIhadseenUriahHeep'spalefacelookingoutofthewindow.Uriah,havingtakenthepony
toaneighbouringstable,wasatworkatadeskinthisroom,whichhadabrassframeonthetoptohangpaperupon,andonwhichthewritinghewasmakingacopyofwasthenhanging.Thoughhisfacewastowardsme,Ithought,forsometime,thewritingbeingbetweenus,thathecouldnotseeme;butlookingthatwaymoreattentively,itmademeuncomfortabletoobservethat,everynowandthen,hissleeplesseyeswouldcomebelowthewriting,liketworedsuns,andstealthilystareatmeforIdaresayawholeminuteatatime,duringwhichhispenwent,orpretendedtogo,ascleverlyasever.Imadeseveralattemptstogetoutoftheirway-suchasstandingonachairtolookatamapontheothersideoftheroom,andporingoverthecolumnsofaKentishnewspaper-buttheyalwaysattractedmebackagain;andwheneverIlookedtowardsthosetworedsuns,Iwassuretofindthem,eitherjustrisingorjustsetting.Atlength,muchtomyrelief,myauntandMr.Wickfieldcameback,afteraprettylongabsence.TheywerenotsosuccessfulasIcouldhavewished;forthoughtheadvantagesoftheschoolwereundeniable,myaunthadnotapprovedofanyoftheboarding-housesproposedforme.'It'sveryunfortunate,'saidmyaunt.'Idon'tknowwhattodo,
Trot.''Itdoeshappenunfortunately,'saidMr.Wickfield.'ButI'lltellyouwhatyoucando,MissTrotwood.''What'sthat?'inquiredmyaunt.'Leaveyournephewhere,forthepresent.He'saquietfellow.Hewon'tdisturbmeatall.It'sacapitalhouseforstudy.Asquietasamonastery,andalmostasroomy.Leavehimhere.'Myauntevidentlylikedtheoffer,thoughshewasdelicateofacceptingit.SodidI.'Come,MissTrotwood,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Thisisthewayoutofthedifficulty.It'sonlyatemporaryarrangement,youknow.Ifitdon'tactwell,ordon'tquiteaccordwithourmutualconvenience,hecaneasilygototheright-about.Therewillbetimetofindsomebetterplaceforhiminthemeanwhile.Youhadbetterdeterminetoleavehimhereforthepresent!''Iamverymuchobligedtoyou,'saidmyaunt;'andsoishe,Isee;but-'
'Come!Iknowwhatyoumean,'criedMr.Wickfield.'Youshallnotbeoppressedbythereceiptoffavours,MissTrotwood.Youmaypayforhim,ifyoulike.Wewon'tbehardaboutterms,butyoushallpayifyouwill.''Onthatunderstanding,'saidmyaunt,'thoughitdoesn'tlessentherealobligation,Ishallbeverygladtoleavehim.''Thencomeandseemylittlehousekeeper,'saidMr.Wickfield.Weaccordinglywentupawonderfuloldstaircase;withabalustradesobroadthatwemighthavegoneupthat,almostaseasily;andintoashadyolddrawing-room,lightedbysomethreeorfourofthequaintwindowsIhadlookedupatfromthestreet:whichhadoldoakseatsinthem,thatseemedtohavecomeofthesametreesastheshiningoakfloor,andthegreatbeamsintheceiling.Itwasaprettilyfurnishedroom,withapianoandsomelivelyfurnitureinredandgreen,andsomeflowers.Itseemedtobealloldnooksandcorners;andineverynookandcornertherewassomequeerlittletable,orcupboard,orbookcase,orseat,orsomethingorother,thatmademethinktherewasnotsuchanothergoodcornerintheroom;untilIlookedatthenextone,andfounditequaltoit,ifnotbetter.Oneverythingtherewasthesameairofretirement
andcleanlinessthatmarkedthehouseoutside.Mr.Wickfieldtappedatadoorinacornerofthepanelledwall,andagirlofaboutmyownagecamequicklyoutandkissedhim.Onherface,Isawimmediatelytheplacidandsweetexpressionoftheladywhosepicturehadlookedatmedownstairs.Itseemedtomyimaginationasiftheportraithadgrownwomanly,andtheoriginalremainedachild.Althoughherfacewasquitebrightandhappy,therewasatranquillityaboutit,andabouther-aquiet,good,calmspirit-thatIneverhaveforgotten;thatIshallneverforget.Thiswashislittlehousekeeper,hisdaughterAgnes,Mr.Wickfieldsaid.WhenIheardhowhesaidit,andsawhowheheldherhand,Iguessedwhattheonemotiveofhislifewas.Shehadalittlebasket-triflehangingatherside,withkeysinit;andshelookedasstaidandasdiscreetahousekeeperastheoldhousecouldhave.Shelistenedtoherfatherashetoldheraboutme,withapleasantface;andwhenhehadconcluded,proposedtomyauntthatweshouldgoupstairsandseemyroom.Weallwenttogether,shebeforeus:andagloriousoldroomitwas,withmoreoakbeams,anddiamondpanes;andthebroadbalustradegoingallthewayuptoit.
Icannotcalltomindwhereorwhen,inmychildhood,Ihadseenastainedglasswindowinachurch.NordoIrecollectitssubject.ButIknowthatwhenIsawherturnround,inthegravelightoftheoldstaircase,andwaitforus,above,Ithoughtofthatwindow;andIassociatedsomethingofitstranquilbrightnesswithAgnesWickfieldeverafterwards.MyauntwasashappyasIwas,inthearrangementmadeforme;andwewentdowntothedrawing-roomagain,wellpleasedandgratified.Asshewouldnothearofstayingtodinner,lestsheshouldbyanychancefailtoarriveathomewiththegreyponybeforedark;andasIapprehendMr.Wickfieldknewhertoowelltoargueanypointwithher;somelunchwasprovidedforherthere,andAgneswentbacktohergoverness,andMr.Wickfieldtohisoffice.Sowewerelefttotakeleaveofoneanotherwithoutanyrestraint.ShetoldmethateverythingwouldbearrangedformebyMr.Wickfield,andthatIshouldwantfornothing,andgavemethekindestwordsandthebestadvice.'Trot,'saidmyauntinconclusion,'beacredittoyourself,tome,andMr.Dick,andHeavenbewithyou!'
Iwasgreatlyovercome,andcouldonlythankher,againandagain,andsendmylovetoMr.Dick.'Never,'saidmyaunt,'bemeaninanything;neverbefalse;neverbecruel.Avoidthosethreevices,Trot,andIcanalwaysbehopefulofyou.'Ipromised,aswellasIcould,thatIwouldnotabuseherkindnessorforgetheradmonition.'Thepony'satthedoor,'saidmyaunt,'andIamoff!Stayhere.'Withthesewordssheembracedmehastily,andwentoutoftheroom,shuttingthedoorafterher.AtfirstIwasstartledbysoabruptadeparture,andalmostfearedIhaddispleasedher;butwhenIlookedintothestreet,andsawhowdejectedlyshegotintothechaise,anddroveawaywithoutlookingup,Iunderstoodherbetteranddidnotdoherthatinjustice.Byfiveo'clock,whichwasMr.Wickfield'sdinner-hour,Ihadmusteredupmyspiritsagain,andwasreadyformyknifeandfork.Theclothwasonlylaidforustwo;butAgneswaswaitinginthedrawing-roombeforedinner,wentdownwithherfather,andsatoppositetohimattable.Idoubtedwhetherhecouldhavedined
withouther.Wedidnotstaythere,afterdinner,butcameupstairsintothedrawing-roomagain:inonesnugcornerofwhich,Agnessetglassesforherfather,andadecanterofportwine.Ithoughthewouldhavemisseditsusualflavour,ifithadbeenputthereforhimbyanyotherhands.Therehesat,takinghiswine,andtakingagooddealofit,fortwohours;whileAgnesplayedonthepiano,worked,andtalkedtohimandme.Hewas,forthemostpart,gayandcheerfulwithus;butsometimeshiseyesrestedonher,andhefellintoabroodingstate,andwassilent.Shealwaysobservedthisquickly,Ithought,andalwaysrousedhimwithaquestionorcaress.Thenhecameoutofhismeditation,anddrankmorewine.Agnesmadethetea,andpresidedoverit;andthetimepassedawayafterit,asafterdinner,untilshewenttobed;whenherfathertookherinhisarmsandkissedher,and,shebeinggone,orderedcandlesinhisoffice.ThenIwenttobedtoo.ButinthecourseoftheeveningIhadrambleddowntothedoor,andalittlewayalongthestreet,thatImighthaveanotherpeep
attheoldhouses,andthegreyCathedral;andmightthinkofmycomingthroughthatoldcityonmyjourney,andofmypassingtheveryhouseIlivedin,withoutknowingit.AsIcameback,IsawUriahHeepshuttinguptheoffice;andfeelingfriendlytowardseverybody,wentinandspoketohim,andatparting,gavehimmyhand.Butoh,whataclammyhandhiswas!asghostlytothetouchastothesight!Irubbedmineafterwards,towarmit,ANDTORUBHISOFF.Itwassuchanuncomfortablehand,that,whenIwenttomyroom,itwasstillcoldandwetuponmymemory.Leaningoutofthewindow,andseeingoneofthefacesonthebeam-endslookingatmesideways,IfancieditwasUriahHeepgotuptheresomehow,andshuthimoutinahurry.CHAPTER16IAMANEWBOYINMORESENSESTHANONENextmorning,afterbreakfast,Ienteredonschoollifeagain.Iwent,accompaniedbyMr.Wickfield,tothesceneofmyfuturestudies-agravebuildinginacourtyard,withalearnedairabout
itthatseemedverywellsuitedtothestrayrooksandjackdawswhocamedownfromtheCathedraltowerstowalkwithaclerklybearingonthegrass-plot-andwasintroducedtomynewmaster,DoctorStrong.DoctorStronglookedalmostasrusty,tomythinking,asthetallironrailsandgatesoutsidethehouse;andalmostasstiffandheavyasthegreatstoneurnsthatflankedthem,andweresetup,onthetopofthered-brickwall,atregulardistancesallroundthecourt,likesublimatedskittles,forTimetoplayat.Hewasinhislibrary(ImeanDoctorStrongwas),withhisclothesnotparticularlywellbrushed,andhishairnotparticularlywellcombed;hisknee-smallsunbraced;hislongblackgaitersunbuttoned;andhisshoesyawningliketwocavernsonthehearth-rug.Turninguponmealustrelesseye,thatremindedmeofalong-forgottenblindoldhorsewhoonceusedtocropthegrass,andtumbleoverthegraves,inBlunderstonechurchyard,hesaidhewasgladtoseeme:andthenhegavemehishand;whichIdidn'tknowwhattodowith,asitdidnothingforitself.But,sittingatwork,notfarfromDoctorStrong,wasaveryprettyyounglady-whomhecalledAnnie,andwhowashisdaughter,Isupposed-whogotmeoutofmydifficultybykneelingdowntoput
DoctorStrong'sshoeson,andbuttonhisgaiters,whichshedidwithgreatcheerfulnessandquickness.Whenshehadfinished,andweweregoingouttotheschoolroom,IwasmuchsurprisedtohearMr.Wickfield,inbiddinghergoodmorning,addressheras'Mrs.Strong';andIwaswonderingcouldshebeDoctorStrong'sson'swife,orcouldshebeMrs.DoctorStrong,whenDoctorStronghimselfunconsciouslyenlightenedme.'Bytheby,Wickfield,'hesaid,stoppinginapassagewithhishandonmyshoulder;'youhavenotfoundanysuitableprovisionformywife'scousinyet?''No,'saidMr.Wickfield.'No.Notyet.''Icouldwishitdoneassoonasitcanbedone,Wickfield,'saidDoctorStrong,'forJackMaldonisneedy,andidle;andofthosetwobadthings,worsethingssometimescome.WhatdoesDoctorWattssay,'headded,lookingatme,andmovinghisheadtothetimeofhisquotation,'"Satanfindssomemischiefstill,foridlehandstodo."''Egad,Doctor,'returnedMr.Wickfield,'ifDoctorWattsknewmankind,hemighthavewritten,withasmuchtruth,"Satanfinds
somemischiefstill,forbusyhandstodo."Thebusypeopleachievetheirfullshareofmischiefintheworld,youmayrelyuponit.Whathavethepeoplebeenabout,whohavebeenthebusiestingettingmoney,andingettingpower,thiscenturyortwo?Nomischief?''JackMaldonwillneverbeverybusyingettingeither,Iexpect,'saidDoctorStrong,rubbinghischinthoughtfully.'Perhapsnot,'saidMr.Wickfield;'andyoubringmebacktothequestion,withanapologyfordigressing.No,IhavenotbeenabletodisposeofMr.JackMaldonyet.Ibelieve,'hesaidthiswithsomehesitation,'Ipenetrateyourmotive,anditmakesthethingmoredifficult.''Mymotive,'returnedDoctorStrong,'istomakesomesuitableprovisionforacousin,andanoldplayfellow,ofAnnie's.''Yes,Iknow,'saidMr.Wickfield;'athomeorabroad.''Aye!'repliedtheDoctor,apparentlywonderingwhyheemphasizedthosewordssomuch.'Athomeorabroad.'
'Yourownexpression,youknow,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Orabroad.''Surely,'theDoctoranswered.'Surely.Oneorother.''Oneorother?Haveyounochoice?'askedMr.Wickfield.'No,'returnedtheDoctor.'No?'withastonishment.'Nottheleast.''Nomotive,'saidMr.Wickfield,'formeaningabroad,andnotathome?''No,'returnedtheDoctor.'Iamboundtobelieveyou,andofcourseIdobelieveyou,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Itmighthavesimplifiedmyofficeverymuch,ifIhadknownitbefore.ButIconfessIentertainedanotherimpression.'DoctorStrongregardedhimwithapuzzledanddoubtinglook,which
almostimmediatelysubsidedintoasmilethatgavemegreatencouragement;foritwasfullofamiabilityandsweetness,andtherewasasimplicityinit,andindeedinhiswholemanner,whenthestudious,ponderingfrostuponitwasgotthrough,veryattractiveandhopefultoayoungscholarlikeme.Repeating'no',and'nottheleast',andothershortassurancestothesamepurport,DoctorStrongjoggedonbeforeus,ataqueer,unevenpace;andwefollowed:Mr.Wickfield,lookinggrave,Iobserved,andshakinghisheadtohimself,withoutknowingthatIsawhim.Theschoolroomwasaprettylargehall,onthequietestsideofthehouse,confrontedbythestatelystareofsomehalf-dozenofthegreaturns,andcommandingapeepofanoldsecludedgardenbelongingtotheDoctor,wherethepeacheswereripeningonthesunnysouthwall.Thereweretwogreataloes,intubs,ontheturfoutsidethewindows;thebroadhardleavesofwhichplant(lookingasiftheyweremadeofpaintedtin)haveeversince,byassociation,beensymbolicaltomeofsilenceandretirement.Aboutfive-and-twentyboyswerestudiouslyengagedattheirbookswhenwewentin,buttheyrosetogivetheDoctorgoodmorning,andremainedstandingwhentheysawMr.Wickfieldandme.'Anewboy,younggentlemen,'saidtheDoctor;'Trotwood
Copperfield.'OneAdams,whowasthehead-boy,thensteppedoutofhisplaceandwelcomedme.Helookedlikeayoungclergyman,inhiswhitecravat,buthewasveryaffableandgood-humoured;andheshowedmemyplace,andpresentedmetothemasters,inagentlemanlywaythatwouldhaveputmeatmyease,ifanythingcould.Itseemedtomesolong,however,sinceIhadbeenamongsuchboys,oramonganycompanionsofmyownage,exceptMickWalkerandMealyPotatoes,thatIfeltasstrangeaseverIhavedoneinmylife.Iwassoconsciousofhavingpassedthroughscenesofwhichtheycouldhavenoknowledge,andofhavingacquiredexperiencesforeigntomyage,appearance,andconditionasoneofthem,thatIhalfbelieveditwasanimposturetocomethereasanordinarylittleschoolboy.Ihadbecome,intheMurdstoneandGrinbytime,howevershortorlongitmayhavebeen,sounusedtothesportsandgamesofboys,thatIknewIwasawkwardandinexperiencedinthecommonestthingsbelongingtothem.WhateverIhadlearnt,hadsoslippedawayfrommeinthesordidcaresofmylifefromdaytonight,thatnow,whenIwasexaminedaboutwhatIknew,Iknewnothing,andwasputintothelowestformoftheschool.But,troubledasIwas,bymywantofboyishskill,andofbook-learning
too,Iwasmadeinfinitelymoreuncomfortablebytheconsideration,that,inwhatIdidknow,IwasmuchfartherremovedfrommycompanionsthaninwhatIdidnot.Mymindranuponwhattheywouldthink,iftheyknewofmyfamiliaracquaintancewiththeKing'sBenchPrison?WasthereanythingaboutmewhichwouldrevealmyproceedingsinconnexionwiththeMicawberfamily-allthosepawnings,andsellings,andsuppers-inspiteofmyself?SupposesomeoftheboyshadseenmecomingthroughCanterbury,waywornandragged,andshouldfindmeout?Whatwouldtheysay,whomadesolightofmoney,iftheycouldknowhowIhadscrapedmyhalfpencetogether,forthepurchaseofmydailysaveloyandbeer,ormyslicesofpudding?Howwoulditaffectthem,whoweresoinnocentofLondonlife,andLondonstreets,todiscoverhowknowingIwas(andwasashamedtobe)insomeofthemeanestphasesofboth?Allthisraninmyheadsomuch,onthatfirstdayatDoctorStrong's,thatIfeltdistrustfulofmyslightestlookandgesture;shrunkwithinmyselfwhensoeverIwasapproachedbyoneofmynewschoolfellows;andhurriedofftheminuteschoolwasover,afraidofcommittingmyselfinmyresponsetoanyfriendlynoticeoradvance.ButtherewassuchaninfluenceinMr.Wickfield'soldhouse,thatwhenIknockedatit,withmynewschool-booksundermyarm,I
begantofeelmyuneasinesssofteningaway.AsIwentuptomyairyoldroom,thegraveshadowofthestaircaseseemedtofalluponmydoubtsandfears,andtomakethepastmoreindistinct.Isatthere,sturdilyconningmybooks,untildinner-time(wewereoutofschoolforgoodatthree);andwentdown,hopefulofbecomingapassablesortofboyyet.Agneswasinthedrawing-room,waitingforherfather,whowasdetainedbysomeoneinhisoffice.Shemetmewithherpleasantsmile,andaskedmehowIlikedtheschool.ItoldherIshouldlikeitverymuch,Ihoped;butIwasalittlestrangetoitatfirst.'Youhaveneverbeentoschool,'Isaid,'haveyou?''Ohyes!Everyday.''Ah,butyoumeanhere,atyourownhome?''Papacouldn'tsparemetogoanywhereelse,'sheanswered,smilingandshakingherhead.'Hishousekeepermustbeinhishouse,youknow.''Heisveryfondofyou,Iamsure,'Isaid.
Shenodded'Yes,'andwenttothedoortolistenforhiscomingup,thatshemightmeethimonthestairs.But,ashewasnotthere,shecamebackagain.'MamahasbeendeadeversinceIwasborn,'shesaid,inherquietway.'Ionlyknowherpicture,downstairs.Isawyoulookingatityesterday.Didyouthinkwhoseitwas?'Itoldheryes,becauseitwassolikeherself.'Papasaysso,too,'saidAgnes,pleased.'Hark!That'spapanow!'Herbrightcalmfacelightedupwithpleasureasshewenttomeethim,andastheycamein,handinhand.Hegreetedmecordially;andtoldmeIshouldcertainlybehappyunderDoctorStrong,whowasoneofthegentlestofmen.'Theremaybesome,perhaps-Idon'tknowthatthereare-whoabusehiskindness,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Neverbeoneofthose,Trotwood,inanything.Heistheleastsuspiciousofmankind;andwhetherthat'samerit,orwhetherit'sablemish,itdeserves
considerationinalldealingswiththeDoctor,greatorsmall.'Hespoke,Ithought,asifhewereweary,ordissatisfiedwithsomething;butIdidnotpursuethequestioninmymind,fordinnerwasjustthenannounced,andwewentdownandtookthesameseatsasbefore.Wehadscarcelydoneso,whenUriahHeepputinhisredheadandhislankhandatthedoor,andsaid:'Here'sMr.Maldonbegsthefavourofaword,sir.''IambutthismomentquitofMr.Maldon,'saidhismaster.'Yes,sir,'returnedUriah;'butMr.Maldonhascomeback,andhebegsthefavourofaword.'Asheheldthedooropenwithhishand,Uriahlookedatme,andlookedatAgnes,andlookedatthedishes,andlookedattheplates,andlookedateveryobjectintheroom,Ithought,-yetseemedtolookatnothing;hemadesuchanappearanceallthewhileofkeepinghisredeyesdutifullyonhismaster.'Ibegyourpardon.It'sonlytosay,onreflection,'observeda
voicebehindUriah,asUriah'sheadwaspushedaway,andthespeaker'ssubstituted-'prayexcusemeforthisintrusion-thatasitseemsIhavenochoiceinthematter,thesoonerIgoabroadthebetter.MycousinAnniedidsay,whenwetalkedofit,thatshelikedtohaveherfriendswithinreachratherthantohavethembanished,andtheoldDoctor-''DoctorStrong,wasthat?'Mr.Wickfieldinterposed,gravely.'DoctorStrong,ofcourse,'returnedtheother;'IcallhimtheoldDoctor;it'sallthesame,youknow.''Idon'tknow,'returnedMr.Wickfield.'Well,DoctorStrong,'saidtheother-'DoctorStrongwasofthesamemind,Ibelieved.Butasitappearsfromthecourseyoutakewithmehehaschangedhismind,whythere'snomoretobesaid,exceptthatthesoonerIamoff,thebetter.Therefore,IthoughtI'dcomebackandsay,thatthesoonerIamoffthebetter.Whenaplungeistobemadeintothewater,it'sofnouselingeringonthebank.''Thereshallbeaslittlelingeringaspossible,inyourcase,Mr.
Maldon,youmaydependuponit,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Thank'ee,'saidtheother.'Muchobliged.Idon'twanttolookagift-horseinthemouth,whichisnotagraciousthingtodo;otherwise,Idaresay,mycousinAnniecouldeasilyarrangeitinherownway.IsupposeAnniewouldonlyhavetosaytotheoldDoctor-''MeaningthatMrs.Strongwouldonlyhavetosaytoherhusband-doIfollowyou?'saidMr.Wickfield.'Quiteso,'returnedtheother,'-wouldonlyhavetosay,thatshewantedsuchandsuchathingtobesoandso;anditwouldbesoandso,asamatterofcourse.''Andwhyasamatterofcourse,Mr.Maldon?'askedMr.Wickfield,sedatelyeatinghisdinner.'Why,becauseAnnie'sacharmingyounggirl,andtheoldDoctor-DoctorStrong,Imean-isnotquiteacharmingyoungboy,'saidMr.JackMaldon,laughing.'Nooffencetoanybody,Mr.Wickfield.IonlymeanthatIsupposesomecompensationisfairandreasonableinthatsortofmarriage.'
'Compensationtothelady,sir?'askedMr.Wickfieldgravely.'Tothelady,sir,'Mr.JackMaldonanswered,laughing.ButappearingtoremarkthatMr.Wickfieldwentonwithhisdinnerinthesamesedate,immovablemanner,andthattherewasnohopeofmakinghimrelaxamuscleofhisface,headded:'However,IhavesaidwhatIcametosay,and,withanotherapologyforthisintrusion,Imaytakemyselfoff.OfcourseIshallobserveyourdirections,inconsideringthematterasonetobearrangedbetweenyouandmesolely,andnottobereferredto,upattheDoctor's.''Haveyoudined?'askedMr.Wickfield,withamotionofhishandtowardsthetable.'Thank'ee.Iamgoingtodine,'saidMr.Maldon,'withmycousinAnnie.Good-bye!'Mr.Wickfield,withoutrising,lookedafterhimthoughtfullyashewentout.Hewasratherashallowsortofyounggentleman,Ithought,withahandsomeface,arapidutterance,andaconfident,boldair.AndthiswasthefirstIeversawofMr.JackMaldon;
whomIhadnotexpectedtoseesosoon,whenIheardtheDoctorspeakofhimthatmorning.Whenwehaddined,wewentupstairsagain,whereeverythingwentonexactlyasonthepreviousday.Agnessettheglassesanddecantersinthesamecorner,andMr.Wickfieldsatdowntodrink,anddrankagooddeal.Agnesplayedthepianotohim,satbyhim,andworkedandtalked,andplayedsomegamesatdominoeswithme.Ingoodtimeshemadetea;andafterwards,whenIbroughtdownmybooks,lookedintothem,andshowedmewhatsheknewofthem(whichwasnoslightmatter,thoughshesaiditwas),andwhatwasthebestwaytolearnandunderstandthem.Iseeher,withhermodest,orderly,placidmanner,andIhearherbeautifulcalmvoice,asIwritethesewords.Theinfluenceforallgood,whichshecametoexerciseovermeatalatertime,beginsalreadytodescenduponmybreast.IlovelittleEm'ly,andIdon'tloveAgnes-no,notatallinthatway-butIfeelthattherearegoodness,peace,andtruth,whereverAgnesis;andthatthesoftlightofthecolouredwindowinthechurch,seenlongago,fallsonheralways,andonmewhenIamnearher,andoneverythingaround.Thetimehavingcomeforherwithdrawalforthenight,andshehavingleftus,IgaveMr.Wickfieldmyhand,preparatorytogoing
awaymyself.Buthecheckedmeandsaid:'Shouldyouliketostaywithus,Trotwood,ortogoelsewhere?''Tostay,'Ianswered,quickly.'Youaresure?''Ifyouplease.IfImay!''Why,it'sbutadulllifethatweleadhere,boy,Iamafraid,'hesaid.'NotmoredullformethanAgnes,sir.Notdullatall!''ThanAgnes,'herepeated,walkingslowlytothegreatchimney-piece,andleaningagainstit.'ThanAgnes!'Hehaddrankwinethatevening(orIfanciedit),untilhiseyeswerebloodshot.NotthatIcouldseethemnow,fortheywerecastdown,andshadedbyhishand;butIhadnoticedthemalittlewhilebefore.'NowIwonder,'hemuttered,'whethermyAgnestiresofme.When
shouldIevertireofher!Butthat'sdifferent,that'squitedifferent.'Hewasmusing,notspeakingtome;soIremainedquiet.'Adulloldhouse,'hesaid,'andamonotonouslife;butImusthavehernearme.Imustkeephernearme.IfthethoughtthatImaydieandleavemydarling,orthatmydarlingmaydieandleaveme,comeslikeaspectre,todistressmyhappiesthours,andisonlytobedrownedin-'Hedidnotsupplytheword;butpacingslowlytotheplacewherehehadsat,andmechanicallygoingthroughtheactionofpouringwinefromtheemptydecanter,setitdownandpacedbackagain.'Ifitismiserabletobear,whensheishere,'hesaid,'whatwoulditbe,andsheaway?No,no,no.Icannottrythat.'Heleanedagainstthechimney-piece,broodingsolongthatIcouldnotdecidewhethertoruntheriskofdisturbinghimbygoing,ortoremainquietlywhereIwas,untilheshouldcomeoutofhisreverie.Atlengthhearousedhimself,andlookedabouttheroomuntilhiseyesencounteredmine.
'Staywithus,Trotwood,eh?'hesaidinhisusualmanner,andasifhewereansweringsomethingIhadjustsaid.'Iamgladofit.Youarecompanytousboth.Itiswholesometohaveyouhere.Wholesomeforme,wholesomeforAgnes,wholesomeperhapsforallofus.''Iamsureitisforme,sir,'Isaid.'Iamsogladtobehere.''That'safinefellow!'saidMr.Wickfield.'Aslongasyouaregladtobehere,youshallstayhere.'Heshookhandswithmeuponit,andclappedmeontheback;andtoldmethatwhenIhadanythingtodoatnightafterAgneshadleftus,orwhenIwishedtoreadformyownpleasure,Iwasfreetocomedowntohisroom,ifhewerethereandifIdesireditforcompany'ssake,andtositwithhim.Ithankedhimforhisconsideration;and,ashewentdownsoonafterwards,andIwasnottired,wentdowntoo,withabookinmyhand,toavailmyself,forhalf-an-hour,ofhispermission.But,seeingalightinthelittleroundoffice,andimmediatelyfeelingmyselfattractedtowardsUriahHeep,whohadasortoffascinationforme,Iwentinthereinstead.IfoundUriahreading
agreatfatbook,withsuchdemonstrativeattention,thathislankforefingerfollowedupeverylineasheread,andmadeclammytracksalongthepage(orsoIfullybelieved)likeasnail.'Youareworkinglatetonight,Uriah,'saysI.'Yes,MasterCopperfield,'saysUriah.AsIwasgettingonthestoolopposite,totalktohimmoreconveniently,Iobservedthathehadnotsuchathingasasmileabouthim,andthathecouldonlywidenhismouthandmaketwohardcreasesdownhischeeks,oneoneachside,tostandforone.'Iamnotdoingoffice-work,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah.'Whatwork,then?'Iasked.'Iamimprovingmylegalknowledge,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah.'IamgoingthroughTidd'sPractice.Oh,whatawriterMr.Tiddis,MasterCopperfield!'Mystoolwassuchatowerofobservation,thatasIwatchedhimreadingonagain,afterthisrapturousexclamation,andfollowing
upthelineswithhisforefinger,Iobservedthathisnostrils,whichwerethinandpointed,withsharpdintsinthem,hadasingularandmostuncomfortablewayofexpandingandcontractingthemselves-thattheyseemedtotwinkleinsteadofhiseyes,whichhardlyevertwinkledatall.'Isupposeyouarequiteagreatlawyer?'Isaid,afterlookingathimforsometime.'Me,MasterCopperfield?'saidUriah.'Oh,no!I'maveryumbleperson.'Itwasnofancyofmineabouthishands,Iobserved;forhefrequentlygroundthepalmsagainsteachotherasiftosqueezethemdryandwarm,besidesoftenwipingthem,inastealthyway,onhispocket-handkerchief.'IamwellawarethatIamtheumblestpersongoing,'saidUriahHeep,modestly;'lettheotherbewherehemay.Mymotherislikewiseaveryumbleperson.Weliveinanumbleabode,MasterCopperfield,buthavemuchtobethankfulfor.Myfather'sformercallingwasumble.Hewasasexton.'
'Whatishenow?'Iasked.'Heisapartakerofgloryatpresent,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriahHeep.'Butwehavemuchtobethankfulfor.HowmuchhaveItobethankfulforinlivingwithMr.Wickfield!'IaskedUriahifhehadbeenwithMr.Wickfieldlong?'Ihavebeenwithhim,goingonfouryear,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah;shuttinguphisbook,aftercarefullymarkingtheplacewherehehadleftoff.'Sinceayearaftermyfather'sdeath.HowmuchhaveItobethankfulfor,inthat!HowmuchhaveItobethankfulfor,inMr.Wickfield'skindintentiontogivememyarticles,whichwouldotherwisenotlaywithintheumblemeansofmotherandself!''Then,whenyourarticledtimeisover,you'llbearegularlawyer,Isuppose?'saidI.'WiththeblessingofProvidence,MasterCopperfield,'returnedUriah.'Perhapsyou'llbeapartnerinMr.Wickfield'sbusiness,oneof
thesedays,'Isaid,tomakemyselfagreeable;'anditwillbeWickfieldandHeep,orHeeplateWickfield.''Ohno,MasterCopperfield,'returnedUriah,shakinghishead,'Iammuchtooumbleforthat!'Hecertainlydidlookuncommonlylikethecarvedfaceonthebeamoutsidemywindow,ashesat,inhishumility,eyeingmesideways,withhismouthwidened,andthecreasesinhischeeks.'Mr.Wickfieldisamostexcellentman,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah.'Ifyouhaveknownhimlong,youknowit,Iamsure,muchbetterthanIcaninformyou.'IrepliedthatIwascertainhewas;butthatIhadnotknownhimlongmyself,thoughhewasafriendofmyaunt's.'Oh,indeed,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah.'Yourauntisasweetlady,MasterCopperfield!'Hehadawayofwrithingwhenhewantedtoexpressenthusiasm,whichwasveryugly;andwhichdivertedmyattentionfromthecomplimenthehadpaidmyrelation,tothesnakytwistingsofhis
throatandbody.'Asweetlady,MasterCopperfield!'saidUriahHeep.'ShehasagreatadmirationforMissAgnes,MasterCopperfield,Ibelieve?'Isaid,'Yes,'boldly;notthatIknewanythingaboutit,Heavenforgiveme!'Ihopeyouhave,too,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah.'ButIamsureyoumusthave.''Everybodymusthave,'Ireturned.'Oh,thankyou,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriahHeep,'forthatremark!Itissotrue!UmbleasIam,Iknowitissotrue!Oh,thankyou,MasterCopperfield!'Hewrithedhimselfquiteoffhisstoolintheexcitementofhisfeelings,and,beingoff,begantomakearrangementsforgoinghome.'Motherwillbeexpectingme,'hesaid,referringtoapale,inexpressive-facedwatchinhispocket,'andgettinguneasy;forthoughweareveryumble,MasterCopperfield,wearemuchattached
tooneanother.Ifyouwouldcomeandseeus,anyafternoon,andtakeacupofteaatourlowlydwelling,motherwouldbeasproudofyourcompanyasIshouldbe.'IsaidIshouldbegladtocome.'Thankyou,MasterCopperfield,'returnedUriah,puttinghisbookawayupontheshelf-'Isupposeyoustophere,sometime,MasterCopperfield?'IsaidIwasgoingtobebroughtupthere,Ibelieved,aslongasIremainedatschool.'Oh,indeed!'exclaimedUriah.'IshouldthinkYOUwouldcomeintothebusinessatlast,MasterCopperfield!'IprotestedthatIhadnoviewsofthatsort,andthatnosuchschemewasentertainedinmybehalfbyanybody;butUriahinsistedonblandlyreplyingtoallmyassurances,'Oh,yes,MasterCopperfield,Ishouldthinkyouwould,indeed!'and,'Oh,indeed,MasterCopperfield,Ishouldthinkyouwould,certainly!'overandoveragain.Being,atlast,readytoleavetheofficeforthenight,heaskedmeifitwouldsuitmyconveniencetohavethe
lightputout;andonmyanswering'Yes,'instantlyextinguishedit.Aftershakinghandswithme-hishandfeltlikeafish,inthedark-heopenedthedoorintothestreetaverylittle,andcreptout,andshutit,leavingmetogropemywaybackintothehouse:whichcostmesometroubleandafalloverhisstool.Thiswastheproximatecause,Isuppose,ofmydreamingabouthim,forwhatappearedtometobehalfthenight;anddreaming,amongotherthings,thathehadlaunchedMr.Peggotty'shouseonapiraticalexpedition,withablackflagatthemasthead,bearingtheinscription'Tidd'sPractice',underwhichdiabolicalensignhewascarryingmeandlittleEm'lytotheSpanishMain,tobedrowned.IgotalittlethebetterofmyuneasinesswhenIwenttoschoolnextday,andagooddealthebetternextday,andsoshookitoffbydegrees,thatinlessthanafortnightIwasquiteathome,andhappy,amongmynewcompanions.Iwasawkwardenoughintheirgames,andbackwardenoughintheirstudies;butcustomwouldimprovemeinthefirstrespect,Ihoped,andhardworkinthesecond.Accordingly,Iwenttoworkveryhard,bothinplayandinearnest,andgainedgreatcommendation.And,inaverylittlewhile,theMurdstoneandGrinbylifebecamesostrangetomethatIhardlybelievedinit,whilemypresentlifegrewsofamiliar,thatIseemedtohavebeenleadingitalongtime.
DoctorStrong'swasanexcellentschool;asdifferentfromMr.Creakle'sasgoodisfromevil.Itwasverygravelyanddecorouslyordered,andonasoundsystem;withanappeal,ineverything,tothehonourandgoodfaithoftheboys,andanavowedintentiontorelyontheirpossessionofthosequalitiesunlesstheyprovedthemselvesunworthyofit,whichworkedwonders.Weallfeltthatwehadapartinthemanagementoftheplace,andinsustainingitscharacteranddignity.Hence,wesoonbecamewarmlyattachedtoit-IamsureIdidforone,andIneverknew,inallmytime,ofanyotherboybeingotherwise-andlearntwithagoodwill,desiringtodoitcredit.Wehadnoblegamesoutofhours,andplentyofliberty;buteventhen,asIremember,wewerewellspokenofinthetown,andrarelydidanydisgrace,byourappearanceormanner,tothereputationofDoctorStrongandDoctorStrong'sboys.SomeofthehigherscholarsboardedintheDoctor'shouse,andthroughthemIlearned,atsecondhand,someparticularsoftheDoctor'shistory-as,howhehadnotyetbeenmarriedtwelvemonthstothebeautifulyoungladyIhadseeninthestudy,whomhehadmarriedforlove;forshehadnotasixpence,andhadaworldofpoorrelations(soourfellowssaid)readytoswarmtheDoctoroutofhouseandhome.Also,howtheDoctor'scogitatingmanner
wasattributabletohisbeingalwaysengagedinlookingoutforGreekroots;which,inmyinnocenceandignorance,IsupposedtobeabotanicalfurorontheDoctor'spart,especiallyashealwayslookedatthegroundwhenhewalkedabout,untilIunderstoodthattheywererootsofwords,withaviewtoanewDictionarywhichhehadincontemplation.Adams,ourhead-boy,whohadaturnformathematics,hadmadeacalculation,Iwasinformed,ofthetimethisDictionarywouldtakeincompleting,ontheDoctor'splan,andattheDoctor'srateofgoing.Heconsideredthatitmightbedoneinonethousandsixhundredandforty-nineyears,countingfromtheDoctor'slast,orsixty-second,birthday.ButtheDoctorhimselfwastheidolofthewholeschool:anditmusthavebeenabadlycomposedschoolifhehadbeenanythingelse,forhewasthekindestofmen;withasimplefaithinhimthatmighthavetouchedthestoneheartsoftheveryurnsuponthewall.Ashewalkedupanddownthatpartofthecourtyardwhichwasatthesideofthehouse,withthestrayrooksandjackdawslookingafterhimwiththeirheadscockedslyly,asiftheyknewhowmuchmoreknowingtheywereinworldlyaffairsthanhe,ifanysortofvagabondcouldonlygetnearenoughtohiscreakingshoestoattracthisattentiontoonesentenceofataleofdistress,thatvagabondwasmadeforthenexttwodays.Itwassonotorious
inthehouse,thatthemastersandhead-boystookpainstocutthesemaraudersoffatangles,andtogetoutofwindows,andturnthemoutofthecourtyard,beforetheycouldmaketheDoctorawareoftheirpresence;whichwassometimeshappilyeffectedwithinafewyardsofhim,withouthisknowinganythingofthematter,ashejoggedtoandfro.Outsidehisowndomain,andunprotected,hewasaverysheepfortheshearers.Hewouldhavetakenhisgaitersoffhislegs,togiveaway.Infact,therewasastorycurrentamongus(Ihavenoidea,andneverhad,onwhatauthority,butIhavebelieveditforsomanyyearsthatIfeelquitecertainitistrue),thatonafrostyday,onewinter-time,heactuallydidbestowhisgaitersonabeggar-woman,whooccasionedsomescandalintheneighbourhoodbyexhibitingafineinfantfromdoortodoor,wrappedinthosegarments,whichwereuniversallyrecognized,beingaswellknowninthevicinityastheCathedral.ThelegendaddedthattheonlypersonwhodidnotidentifythemwastheDoctorhimself,who,whentheywereshortlyafterwardsdisplayedatthedoorofalittlesecond-handshopofnoverygoodrepute,wheresuchthingsweretakeninexchangeforgin,wasmorethanonceobservedtohandlethemapprovingly,asifadmiringsomecuriousnoveltyinthepattern,andconsideringthemanimprovementonhisown.
ItwasverypleasanttoseetheDoctorwithhisprettyyoungwife.Hehadafatherly,benignantwayofshowinghisfondnessforher,whichseemedinitselftoexpressagoodman.Ioftensawthemwalkinginthegardenwherethepeacheswere,andIsometimeshadanearerobservationoftheminthestudyortheparlour.SheappearedtometotakegreatcareoftheDoctor,andtolikehimverymuch,thoughIneverthoughthervitallyinterestedintheDictionary:somecumbrousfragmentsofwhichworktheDoctoralwayscarriedinhispockets,andintheliningofhishat,andgenerallyseemedtobeexpoundingtoherastheywalkedabout.IsawagooddealofMrs.Strong,bothbecauseshehadtakenalikingformeonthemorningofmyintroductiontotheDoctor,andwasalwaysafterwardskindtome,andinterestedinme;andbecauseshewasveryfondofAgnes,andwasoftenbackwardsandforwardsatourhouse.TherewasacuriousconstraintbetweenherandMr.Wickfield,Ithought(ofwhomsheseemedtobeafraid),thatneverworeoff.Whenshecamethereofanevening,shealwaysshrunkfromacceptinghisescorthome,andranawaywithmeinstead.Andsometimes,aswewererunninggailyacrosstheCathedralyardtogether,expectingtomeetnobody,wewouldmeetMr.JackMaldon,whowasalwayssurprisedtoseeus.
Mrs.Strong'smamawasaladyItookgreatdelightin.HernamewasMrs.Markleham;butourboysusedtocallhertheOldSoldier,onaccountofhergeneralship,andtheskillwithwhichshemarshalledgreatforcesofrelationsagainsttheDoctor.Shewasalittle,sharp-eyedwoman,whousedtowear,whenshewasdressed,oneunchangeablecap,ornamentedwithsomeartificialflowers,andtwoartificialbutterfliessupposedtobehoveringabovetheflowers.TherewasasuperstitionamongusthatthiscaphadcomefromFrance,andcouldonlyoriginateintheworkmanshipofthatingeniousnation:butallIcertainlyknowaboutit,is,thatitalwaysmadeitsappearanceofanevening,wheresoeverMrs.MarklehammadeHERappearance;thatitwascarriedabouttofriendlymeetingsinaHindoobasket;thatthebutterflieshadthegiftoftremblingconstantly;andthattheyimprovedtheshininghoursatDoctorStrong'sexpense,likebusybees.IobservedtheOldSoldier-nottoadoptthenamedisrespectfully-toprettygoodadvantage,onanightwhichismadememorabletomebysomethingelseIshallrelate.ItwasthenightofalittlepartyattheDoctor's,whichwasgivenontheoccasionofMr.JackMaldon'sdepartureforIndia,whitherhewasgoingasacadet,orsomethingofthatkind:Mr.Wickfieldhavingatlengtharrangedthebusiness.IthappenedtobetheDoctor'sbirthday,too.Wehad
hadaholiday,hadmadepresentstohiminthemorning,hadmadeaspeechtohimthroughthehead-boy,andhadcheeredhimuntilwewerehoarse,anduntilhehadshedtears.Andnow,intheevening,Mr.Wickfield,Agnes,andI,wenttohaveteawithhiminhisprivatecapacity.Mr.JackMaldonwasthere,beforeus.Mrs.Strong,dressedinwhite,withcherry-colouredribbons,wasplayingthepiano,whenwewentin;andhewasleaningoverhertoturntheleaves.Theclearredandwhiteofhercomplexionwasnotsobloomingandflower-likeasusual,Ithought,whensheturnedround;butshelookedverypretty,Wonderfullypretty.'Ihaveforgotten,Doctor,'saidMrs.Strong'smama,whenwewereseated,'topayyouthecomplimentsoftheday-thoughtheyare,asyoumaysuppose,veryfarfrombeingmerecomplimentsinmycase.Allowmetowishyoumanyhappyreturns.''Ithankyou,ma'am,'repliedtheDoctor.'Many,many,many,happyreturns,'saidtheOldSoldier.'Notonlyforyourownsake,butforAnnie's,andJohnMaldon's,andmanyotherpeople's.Itseemsbutyesterdaytome,John,whenyouwere
alittlecreature,aheadshorterthanMasterCopperfield,makingbabylovetoAnniebehindthegooseberrybushesintheback-garden.''Mydearmama,'saidMrs.Strong,'nevermindthatnow.''Annie,don'tbeabsurd,'returnedhermother.'Ifyouaretoblushtohearofsuchthingsnowyouareanoldmarriedwoman,whenareyounottoblushtohearofthem?''Old?'exclaimedMr.JackMaldon.'Annie?Come!''Yes,John,'returnedtheSoldier.'Virtually,anoldmarriedwoman.Althoughnotoldbyyears-forwhendidyoueverhearmesay,orwhohaseverheardmesay,thatagirloftwentywasoldbyyears!-yourcousinisthewifeoftheDoctor,and,assuch,whatIhavedescribedher.Itiswellforyou,John,thatyourcousinisthewifeoftheDoctor.Youhavefoundinhimaninfluentialandkindfriend,whowillbekinderyet,Iventuretopredict,ifyoudeserveit.Ihavenofalsepride.Ineverhesitatetoadmit,frankly,thattherearesomemembersofourfamilywhowantafriend.Youwereoneyourself,beforeyourcousin'sinfluenceraiseduponeforyou.'
TheDoctor,inthegoodnessofhisheart,wavedhishandasiftomakelightofit,andsaveMr.JackMaldonfromanyfurtherreminder.ButMrs.MarklehamchangedherchairforonenexttheDoctor's,andputtingherfanonhiscoat-sleeve,said:'No,really,mydearDoctor,youmustexcusemeifIappeartodwellonthisrather,becauseIfeelsoverystrongly.Icallitquitemymonomania,itissuchasubjectofmine.Youareablessingtous.YoureallyareaBoon,youknow.''Nonsense,nonsense,'saidtheDoctor.'No,no,Ibegyourpardon,'retortedtheOldSoldier.'Withnobodypresent,butourdearandconfidentialfriendMr.Wickfield,Icannotconsenttobeputdown.Ishallbegintoasserttheprivilegesofamother-in-law,ifyougoonlikethat,andscoldyou.Iamperfectlyhonestandoutspoken.WhatIamsaying,iswhatIsaidwhenyoufirstoverpoweredmewithsurprise-yourememberhowsurprisedIwas?-byproposingforAnnie.Notthattherewasanythingsoverymuchoutoftheway,inthemerefactoftheproposal-itwouldberidiculoustosaythat!-butbecause,youhavingknownherpoorfather,andhavingknownherfromababy
sixmonthsold,Ihadn'tthoughtofyouinsuchalightatall,orindeedasamarryingmaninanyway,-simplythat,youknow.''Aye,aye,'returnedtheDoctor,good-humouredly.'Nevermind.''ButIDOmind,'saidtheOldSoldier,layingherfanuponhislips.'Imindverymuch.IrecallthesethingsthatImaybecontradictedifIamwrong.Well!ThenIspoketoAnnie,andItoldherwhathadhappened.Isaid,"Mydear,here'sDoctorStronghaspositivelybeenandmadeyouthesubjectofahandsomedeclarationandanoffer."DidIpressitintheleast?No.Isaid,"Now,Annie,tellmethetruththismoment;isyourheartfree?""Mama,"shesaidcrying,"Iamextremelyyoung"-whichwasperfectlytrue-"andIhardlyknowifIhaveaheartatall.""Then,mydear,"Isaid,"youmayrelyuponit,it'sfree.Atallevents,mylove,"saidI,"DoctorStrongisinanagitatedstateofmind,andmustbeanswered.Hecannotbekeptinhispresentstateofsuspense.""Mama,"saidAnnie,stillcrying,"wouldhebeunhappywithoutme?Ifhewould,Ihonourandrespecthimsomuch,thatIthinkIwillhavehim."Soitwassettled.Andthen,andnottillthen,IsaidtoAnnie,"Annie,DoctorStrongwillnotonlybeyourhusband,buthewillrepresentyourlatefather:hewillrepresenttheheadofourfamily,hewillrepresentthewisdomand
station,andImaysaythemeans,ofourfamily;andwillbe,inshort,aBoontoit."Iusedthewordatthetime,andIhaveuseditagain,today.IfIhaveanymerititisconsistency.'Thedaughterhadsatquitesilentandstillduringthisspeech,withhereyesfixedontheground;hercousinstandingnearher,andlookingonthegroundtoo.Shenowsaidverysoftly,inatremblingvoice:'Mama,Ihopeyouhavefinished?''No,mydearAnnie,'returnedtheOldSoldier,'Ihavenotquitefinished.Sinceyouaskme,mylove,IreplythatIhavenot.Icomplainthatyoureallyarealittleunnaturaltowardsyourownfamily;and,asitisofnousecomplainingtoyou.Imeantocomplaintoyourhusband.Now,mydearDoctor,dolookatthatsillywifeofyours.'AstheDoctorturnedhiskindface,withitssmileofsimplicityandgentleness,towardsher,shedroopedherheadmore.InoticedthatMr.Wickfieldlookedathersteadily.'WhenIhappenedtosaytothatnaughtything,theotherday,'pursuedhermother,shakingherheadandherfanather,playfully,
'thattherewasafamilycircumstanceshemightmentiontoyou-indeed,Ithink,wasboundtomention-shesaid,thattomentionitwastoaskafavour;andthat,asyouweretoogenerous,andasforhertoaskwasalwaystohave,shewouldn't.''Annie,mydear,'saidtheDoctor.'Thatwaswrong.Itrobbedmeofapleasure.''AlmosttheverywordsIsaidtoher!'exclaimedhermother.'Nowreally,anothertime,whenIknowwhatshewouldtellyoubutforthisreason,andwon't,Ihaveagreatmind,mydearDoctor,totellyoumyself.''Ishallbegladifyouwill,'returnedtheDoctor.'ShallI?''Certainly.''Well,then,Iwill!'saidtheOldSoldier.'That'sabargain.'Andhaving,Isuppose,carriedherpoint,shetappedtheDoctor'shandseveraltimeswithherfan(whichshekissedfirst),andreturnedtriumphantlytoherformerstation.
Somemorecompanycomingin,amongwhomwerethetwomastersandAdams,thetalkbecamegeneral;anditnaturallyturnedonMr.JackMaldon,andhisvoyage,andthecountryhewasgoingto,andhisvariousplansandprospects.Hewastoleavethatnight,aftersupper,inapost-chaise,forGravesend;wheretheship,inwhichhewastomakethevoyage,lay;andwastobegone-unlesshecamehomeonleave,orforhishealth-Idon'tknowhowmanyyears.IrecollectitwassettledbygeneralconsentthatIndiawasquiteamisrepresentedcountry,andhadnothingobjectionableinit,butatigerortwo,andalittleheatinthewarmpartoftheday.Formyownpart,IlookedonMr.JackMaldonasamodernSindbad,andpicturedhimthebosomfriendofalltheRajahsintheEast,sittingundercanopies,smokingcurlygoldenpipes-amilelong,iftheycouldbestraightenedout.Mrs.Strongwasaveryprettysinger:asIknew,whooftenheardhersingingbyherself.But,whethershewasafraidofsingingbeforepeople,orwasoutofvoicethatevening,itwascertainthatshecouldn'tsingatall.Shetriedaduet,once,withhercousinMaldon,butcouldnotsomuchasbegin;andafterwards,whenshetriedtosingbyherself,althoughshebegansweetly,hervoicediedawayonasudden,andleftherquitedistressed,withherhead
hangingdownoverthekeys.ThegoodDoctorsaidshewasnervous,and,torelieveher,proposedaroundgameatcards;ofwhichheknewasmuchasoftheartofplayingthetrombone.ButIremarkedthattheOldSoldiertookhimintocustodydirectly,forherpartner;andinstructedhim,asthefirstpreliminaryofinitiation,togiveherallthesilverhehadinhispocket.Wehadamerrygame,notmadethelessmerrybytheDoctor'smistakes,ofwhichhecommittedaninnumerablequantity,inspiteofthewatchfulnessofthebutterflies,andtotheirgreataggravation.Mrs.Stronghaddeclinedtoplay,onthegroundofnotfeelingverywell;andhercousinMaldonhadexcusedhimselfbecausehehadsomepackingtodo.Whenhehaddoneit,however,hereturned,andtheysattogether,talking,onthesofa.FromtimetotimeshecameandlookedovertheDoctor'shand,andtoldhimwhattoplay.Shewasverypale,asshebentoverhim,andIthoughtherfingertrembledasshepointedoutthecards;buttheDoctorwasquitehappyinherattention,andtooknonoticeofthis,ifitwereso.Atsupper,wewerehardlysogay.Everyoneappearedtofeelthatapartingofthatsortwasanawkwardthing,andthattheneareritapproached,themoreawkwarditwas.Mr.JackMaldontriedtobe
verytalkative,butwasnotathisease,andmademattersworse.Andtheywerenotimproved,asitappearedtome,bytheOldSoldier:whocontinuallyrecalledpassagesofMr.JackMaldon'syouth.TheDoctor,however,whofelt,Iamsure,thathewasmakingeverybodyhappy,waswellpleased,andhadnosuspicionbutthatwewereallattheutmostheightofenjoyment.'Annie,mydear,'saidhe,lookingathiswatch,andfillinghisglass,'itispastyourcousinjack'stime,andwemustnotdetainhim,sincetimeandtide-bothconcernedinthiscase-waitfornoman.Mr.JackMaldon,youhavealongvoyage,andastrangecountry,beforeyou;butmanymenhavehadboth,andmanymenwillhaveboth,totheendoftime.Thewindsyouaregoingtotempt,havewaftedthousandsuponthousandstofortune,andbroughtthousandsuponthousandshappilyback.''It'sanaffectingthing,'saidMrs.Markleham-'howeverit'sviewed,it'saffecting,toseeafineyoungmanonehasknownfromaninfant,goingawaytotheotherendoftheworld,leavingallheknowsbehind,andnotknowingwhat'sbeforehim.Ayoungmanreallywelldeservesconstantsupportandpatronage,'lookingat
theDoctor,'whomakessuchsacrifices.''Timewillgofastwithyou,Mr.JackMaldon,'pursuedtheDoctor,'andfastwithallofus.Someofuscanhardlyexpect,perhaps,inthenaturalcourseofthings,togreetyouonyourreturn.Thenextbestthingistohopetodoit,andthat'smycase.Ishallnotwearyyouwithgoodadvice.Youhavelonghadagoodmodelbeforeyou,inyourcousinAnnie.Imitatehervirtuesasnearlyasyoucan.'Mrs.Marklehamfannedherself,andshookherhead.'Farewell,Mr.Jack,'saidtheDoctor,standingup;onwhichweallstoodup.'Aprosperousvoyageout,athrivingcareerabroad,andahappyreturnhome!'Wealldrankthetoast,andallshookhandswithMr.JackMaldon;afterwhichhehastilytookleaveoftheladieswhowerethere,andhurriedtothedoor,wherehewasreceived,ashegotintothechaise,withatremendousbroadsideofcheersdischargedbyourboys,whohadassembledonthelawnforthepurpose.Runninginamongthemtoswelltheranks,Iwasverynearthechaisewhenitrolledaway;andIhadalivelyimpressionmadeuponme,inthe
midstofthenoiseanddust,ofhavingseenMr.JackMaldonrattlepastwithanagitatedface,andsomethingcherry-colouredinhishand.AfteranotherbroadsidefortheDoctor,andanotherfortheDoctor'swife,theboysdispersed,andIwentbackintothehouse,whereIfoundtheguestsallstandinginagroupabouttheDoctor,discussinghowMr.JackMaldonhadgoneaway,andhowhehadborneit,andhowhehadfeltit,andalltherestofit.Inthemidstoftheseremarks,Mrs.Marklehamcried:'Where'sAnnie?'NoAnniewasthere;andwhentheycalledtoher,noAnniereplied.Butallpressingoutoftheroom,inacrowd,toseewhatwasthematter,wefoundherlyingonthehallfloor.Therewasgreatalarmatfirst,untilitwasfoundthatshewasinaswoon,andthattheswoonwasyieldingtotheusualmeansofrecovery;whentheDoctor,whohadliftedherheaduponhisknee,puthercurlsasidewithhishand,andsaid,lookingaround:'PoorAnnie!She'ssofaithfulandtender-hearted!It'sthepartingfromheroldplayfellowandfriend-herfavouritecousin-thathasdonethis.Ah!It'sapity!Iamverysorry!'
Whensheopenedhereyes,andsawwhereshewas,andthatwewereallstandingabouther,shearosewithassistance:turningherhead,asshedidso,tolayitontheDoctor'sshoulder-ortohideit,Idon'tknowwhich.Wewentintothedrawing-room,toleaveherwiththeDoctorandhermother;butshesaid,itseemed,thatshewasbetterthanshehadbeensincemorning,andthatshewouldratherbebroughtamongus;sotheybroughtherin,lookingverywhiteandweak,Ithought,andsatheronasofa.'Annie,mydear,'saidhermother,doingsomethingtoherdress.'Seehere!Youhavelostabow.Willanybodybesogoodasfindaribbon;acherry-colouredribbon?'Itwastheoneshehadwornatherbosom.Wealllookedforit;Imyselflookedeverywhere,Iamcertain-butnobodycouldfindit.'Doyourecollectwhereyouhaditlast,Annie?'saidhermother.IwonderedhowIcouldhavethoughtshelookedwhite,oranythingbutburningred,whensheansweredthatshehadhaditsafe,alittlewhileago,shethought,butitwasnotworthlookingfor.Nevertheless,itwaslookedforagain,andstillnotfound.She
entreatedthattheremightbenomoresearching;butitwasstillsoughtfor,inadesultoryway,untilshewasquitewell,andthecompanytooktheirdeparture.Wewalkedveryslowlyhome,Mr.Wickfield,Agnes,andI-AgnesandIadmiringthemoonlight,andMr.Wickfieldscarcelyraisinghiseyesfromtheground.Whenwe,atlast,reachedourowndoor,Agnesdiscoveredthatshehadleftherlittlereticulebehind.Delightedtobeofanyservicetoher,Iranbacktofetchit.Iwentintothesupper-roomwhereithadbeenleft,whichwasdesertedanddark.ButadoorofcommunicationbetweenthatandtheDoctor'sstudy,wheretherewasalight,beingopen,Ipassedonthere,tosaywhatIwanted,andtogetacandle.TheDoctorwassittinginhiseasy-chairbythefireside,andhisyoungwifewasonastoolathisfeet.TheDoctor,withacomplacentsmile,wasreadingaloudsomemanuscriptexplanationorstatementofatheoryoutofthatinterminableDictionary,andshewaslookingupathim.ButwithsuchafaceasIneversaw.Itwassobeautifulinitsform,itwassoashypale,itwassofixedinitsabstraction,itwassofullofawild,sleep-walking,dreamyhorrorofIdon'tknowwhat.Theeyeswerewideopen,andher
brownhairfellintworichclustersonhershoulders,andonherwhitedress,disorderedbythewantofthelostribbon.DistinctlyasIrecollectherlook,Icannotsayofwhatitwasexpressive,Icannotevensayofwhatitisexpressivetomenow,risingagainbeforemyolderjudgement.Penitence,humiliation,shame,pride,love,andtrustfulness-Iseethemall;andinthemall,IseethathorrorofIdon'tknowwhat.Myentrance,andmysayingwhatIwanted,rousedher.ItdisturbedtheDoctortoo,forwhenIwentbacktoreplacethecandleIhadtakenfromthetable,hewaspattingherhead,inhisfatherlyway,andsayinghewasamercilessdronetolethertempthimintoreadingon;andhewouldhavehergotobed.Butsheaskedhim,inarapid,urgentmanner,toletherstay-toletherfeelassured(Iheardhermurmursomebrokenwordstothiseffect)thatshewasinhisconfidencethatnight.And,assheturnedagaintowardshim,afterglancingatmeasIlefttheroomandwentoutatthedoor,Isawhercrossherhandsuponhisknee,andlookupathimwiththesameface,somethingquieted,asheresumedhisreading.Itmadeagreatimpressiononme,andIremembereditalongtime
afterwards;asIshallhaveoccasiontonarratewhenthetimecomes.CHAPTER17SOMEBODYTURNSUPIthasnotoccurredtometomentionPeggottysinceIranaway;but,ofcourse,IwroteheraletteralmostassoonasIwashousedatDover,andanother,andalongerletter,containingallparticularsfullyrelated,whenmyaunttookmeformallyunderherprotection.OnmybeingsettledatDoctorStrong'sIwrotetoheragain,detailingmyhappyconditionandprospects.InevercouldhavederivedanythinglikethepleasurefromspendingthemoneyMr.Dickhadgivenme,thatIfeltinsendingagoldhalf-guineatoPeggotty,perpost,enclosedinthislastletter,todischargethesumIhadborrowedofher:inwhichepistle,notbefore,Imentionedabouttheyoungmanwiththedonkey-cart.TothesecommunicationsPeggottyrepliedaspromptly,ifnotasconcisely,asamerchant'sclerk.Herutmostpowersofexpression(whichwerecertainlynotgreatinink)wereexhaustedintheattempttowritewhatshefeltonthesubjectofmyjourney.Four
sidesofincoherentandinterjectionalbeginningsofsentences,thathadnoend,exceptblots,wereinadequatetoaffordheranyrelief.Buttheblotsweremoreexpressivetomethanthebestcomposition;fortheyshowedmethatPeggottyhadbeencryingalloverthepaper,andwhatcouldIhavedesiredmore?Imadeout,withoutmuchdifficulty,thatshecouldnottakequitekindlytomyauntyet.Thenoticewastooshortaftersolongaprepossessiontheotherway.Weneverknewaperson,shewrote;buttothinkthatMissBetseyshouldseemtobesodifferentfromwhatshehadbeenthoughttobe,wasaMoral!-thatwasherword.ShewasevidentlystillafraidofMissBetsey,forshesenthergratefuldutytoherbuttimidly;andshewasevidentlyafraidofme,too,andentertainedtheprobabilityofmyrunningawayagainsoon:ifImightjudgefromtherepeatedhintsshethrewout,thatthecoach-faretoYarmouthwasalwaystobehadofherfortheasking.Shegavemeonepieceofintelligencewhichaffectedmeverymuch,namely,thattherehadbeenasaleofthefurnitureatouroldhome,andthatMr.andMissMurdstoneweregoneaway,andthehousewasshutup,tobeletorsold.GodknowsIhadnopartinitwhiletheyremainedthere,butitpainedmetothinkofthedear
oldplaceasaltogetherabandoned;oftheweedsgrowingtallinthegarden,andthefallenleaveslyingthickandwetuponthepaths.Iimaginedhowthewindsofwinterwouldhowlroundit,howthecoldrainwouldbeatuponthewindow-glass,howthemoonwouldmakeghostsonthewallsoftheemptyrooms,watchingtheirsolitudeallnight.Ithoughtafreshofthegraveinthechurchyard,underneaththetree:anditseemedasifthehouseweredeadtoo,now,andallconnectedwithmyfatherandmotherwerefadedaway.TherewasnoothernewsinPeggotty'sletters.Mr.Barkiswasanexcellenthusband,shesaid,thoughstillalittlenear;butweallhadourfaults,andshehadplenty(thoughIamsureIdon'tknowwhattheywere);andhesenthisduty,andmylittlebedroomwasalwaysreadyforme.Mr.Peggottywaswell,andHamwaswell,andMrs..Gummidgewasbutpoorly,andlittleEm'lywouldn'tsendherlove,butsaidthatPeggottymightsendit,ifsheliked.AllthisintelligenceIdutifullyimpartedtomyaunt,onlyreservingtomyselfthementionoflittleEm'ly,towhomIinstinctivelyfeltthatshewouldnotverytenderlyincline.WhileIwasyetnewatDoctorStrong's,shemadeseveralexcursionsovertoCanterburytoseeme,andalwaysatunseasonablehours:withtheview,Isuppose,oftakingmebysurprise.But,findingmewell
employed,andbearingagoodcharacter,andhearingonallhandsthatIrosefastintheschool,shesoondiscontinuedthesevisits.IsawheronaSaturday,everythirdorfourthweek,whenIwentovertoDoverforatreat;andIsawMr.DickeveryalternateWednesday,whenhearrivedbystage-coachatnoon,tostayuntilnextmorning.OntheseoccasionsMr.Dicknevertravelledwithoutaleathernwriting-desk,containingasupplyofstationeryandtheMemorial;inrelationtowhichdocumenthehadanotionthattimewasbeginningtopressnow,andthatitreallymustbegotoutofhand.Mr.Dickwasverypartialtogingerbread.Torenderhisvisitsthemoreagreeable,myaunthadinstructedmetoopenacreditforhimatacakeshop,whichwashamperedwiththestipulationthatheshouldnotbeservedwithmorethanoneshilling's-worthinthecourseofanyoneday.This,andthereferenceofallhislittlebillsatthecountyinnwhereheslept,tomyaunt,beforetheywerepaid,inducedmetosuspectthathewasonlyallowedtorattlehismoney,andnottospendit.Ifoundonfurtherinvestigationthatthiswasso,oratleasttherewasanagreementbetweenhimandmyauntthatheshouldaccounttoherforallhisdisbursements.Ashehadnoideaofdeceivingher,andalways
desiredtopleaseher,hewasthusmadecharyoflaunchingintoexpense.Onthispoint,aswellasonallotherpossiblepoints,Mr.Dickwasconvincedthatmyauntwasthewisestandmostwonderfulofwomen;asherepeatedlytoldmewithinfinitesecrecy,andalwaysinawhisper.'Trotwood,'saidMr.Dick,withanairofmystery,afterimpartingthisconfidencetome,oneWednesday;'who'sthemanthathidesnearourhouseandfrightensher?''Frightensmyaunt,sir?'Mr.Dicknodded.'Ithoughtnothingwouldhavefrightenedher,'hesaid,'forshe's-'herehewhisperedsoftly,'don'tmentionit-thewisestandmostwonderfulofwomen.'Havingsaidwhich,hedrewback,toobservetheeffectwhichthisdescriptionofhermadeuponme.'Thefirsttimehecame,'saidMr.Dick,'was-letmesee-sixteenhundredandforty-ninewasthedateofKingCharles'sexecution.Ithinkyousaidsixteenhundredandforty-nine?''Yes,sir.'
'Idon'tknowhowitcanbe,'saidMr.Dick,sorelypuzzledandshakinghishead.'Idon'tthinkIamasoldasthat.''Wasitinthatyearthatthemanappeared,sir?'Iasked.'Why,really'saidMr.Dick,'Idon'tseehowitcanhavebeeninthatyear,Trotwood.Didyougetthatdateoutofhistory?''Yes,sir.''Isupposehistoryneverlies,doesit?'saidMr.Dick,withagleamofhope.'Ohdear,no,sir!'Ireplied,mostdecisively.Iwasingenuousandyoung,andIthoughtso.'Ican'tmakeitout,'saidMr.Dick,shakinghishead.'There'ssomethingwrong,somewhere.However,itwasverysoonafterthemistakewasmadeofputtingsomeofthetroubleoutofKingCharles'sheadintomyhead,thatthemanfirstcame.IwaswalkingoutwithMissTrotwoodaftertea,justatdark,andtherehewas,closetoourhouse.'
'Walkingabout?'Iinquired.'Walkingabout?'repeatedMr.Dick.'Letmesee,Imustrecollectabit.N-no,no;hewasnotwalkingabout.'Iasked,astheshortestwaytogetatit,whatheWASdoing.'Well,hewasn'tthereatall,'saidMr.Dick,'untilhecameupbehindher,andwhispered.Thensheturnedroundandfainted,andIstoodstillandlookedathim,andhewalkedaway;butthatheshouldhavebeenhidingeversince(inthegroundorsomewhere),isthemostextraordinarything!''HAShebeenhidingeversince?'Iasked.'Tobesurehehas,'retortedMr.Dick,noddinghisheadgravely.'Nevercameout,tilllastnight!Wewerewalkinglastnight,andhecameupbehindheragain,andIknewhimagain.''Anddidhefrightenmyauntagain?''Allofashiver,'saidMr.Dick,counterfeitingthataffectionand
makinghisteethchatter.'Heldbythepalings.Cried.But,Trotwood,comehere,'gettingmeclosetohim,thathemightwhisperverysoftly;'whydidshegivehimmoney,boy,inthemoonlight?''Hewasabeggar,perhaps.'Mr.Dickshookhishead,asutterlyrenouncingthesuggestion;andhavingrepliedagreatmanytimes,andwithgreatconfidence,'Nobeggar,nobeggar,nobeggar,sir!'wentontosay,thatfromhiswindowhehadafterwards,andlateatnight,seenmyauntgivethispersonmoneyoutsidethegardenrailsinthemoonlight,whothenslunkaway-intothegroundagain,ashethoughtprobable-andwasseennomore:whilemyauntcamehurriedlyandsecretlybackintothehouse,andhad,eventhatmorning,beenquitedifferentfromherusualself;whichpreyedonMr.Dick'smind.Ihadnottheleastbelief,intheoutsetofthisstory,thattheunknownwasanythingbutadelusionofMr.Dick's,andoneofthelineofthatill-fatedPrincewhooccasionedhimsomuchdifficulty;butaftersomereflectionIbegantoentertainthequestionwhetheranattempt,orthreatofanattempt,mighthavebeentwicemadetotakepoorMr.Dickhimselffromundermyaunt's
protection,andwhethermyaunt,thestrengthofwhosekindfeelingtowardshimIknewfromherself,mighthavebeeninducedtopayapriceforhispeaceandquiet.AsIwasalreadymuchattachedtoMr.Dick,andverysolicitousforhiswelfare,myfearsfavouredthissupposition;andforalongtimehisWednesdayhardlyevercameround,withoutmyentertainingamisgivingthathewouldnotbeonthecoach-boxasusual.Therehealwaysappeared,however,grey-headed,laughing,andhappy;andheneverhadanythingmoretotellofthemanwhocouldfrightenmyaunt.TheseWednesdayswerethehappiestdaysofMr.Dick'slife;theywerefarfrombeingtheleasthappyofmine.Hesoonbecameknowntoeveryboyintheschool;andthoughhenevertookanactivepartinanygamebutkite-flying,wasasdeeplyinterestedinalloursportsasanyoneamongus.HowoftenhaveIseenhim,intentuponamatchatmarblesorpegtop,lookingonwithafaceofunutterableinterest,andhardlybreathingatthecriticaltimes!Howoften,athareandhounds,haveIseenhimmountedonalittleknoll,cheeringthewholefieldontoaction,andwavinghishatabovehisgreyhead,obliviousofKingCharlestheMartyr'shead,andallbelongingtoit!HowmanyasummerhourhaveIknowntobebutblissfulminutestohiminthecricket-field!HowmanywinterdayshaveIseenhim,standingblue-nosed,inthesnowandeastwind,
lookingattheboysgoingdownthelongslide,andclappinghisworstedglovesinrapture!Hewasanuniversalfavourite,andhisingenuityinlittlethingswastranscendent.Hecouldcutorangesintosuchdevicesasnoneofushadanideaof.Hecouldmakeaboatoutofanything,fromaskewerupwards.Hecouldturncramp-bonesintochessmen;fashionRomanchariotsfromoldcourtcards;makespokedwheelsoutofcottonreels,andbird-cagesofoldwire.Buthewasgreatestofall,perhaps,inthearticlesofstringandstraw;withwhichwewereallpersuadedhecoulddoanythingthatcouldbedonebyhands.Mr.Dick'srenownwasnotlongconfinedtous.AfterafewWednesdays,DoctorStronghimselfmadesomeinquiriesofmeabouthim,andItoldhimallmyaunthadtoldme;whichinterestedtheDoctorsomuchthatherequested,ontheoccasionofhisnextvisit,tobepresentedtohim.ThisceremonyIperformed;andtheDoctorbeggingMr.Dick,whensoeverheshouldnotfindmeatthecoachoffice,tocomeonthere,andresthimselfuntilourmorning'sworkwasover,itsoonpassedintoacustomforMr.Dicktocomeonasamatterofcourse,and,ifwewerealittlelate,asoftenhappenedonaWednesday,towalkaboutthecourtyard,waiting
forme.HerehemadetheacquaintanceoftheDoctor'sbeautifulyoungwife(palerthanformerly,allthistime;morerarelyseenbymeoranyone,Ithink;andnotsogay,butnotlessbeautiful),andsobecamemoreandmorefamiliarbydegrees,until,atlast,hewouldcomeintotheschoolandwait.Healwayssatinaparticularcorner,onaparticularstool,whichwascalled'Dick',afterhim;herehewouldsit,withhisgreyheadbentforward,attentivelylisteningtowhatevermightbegoingon,withaprofoundvenerationforthelearninghehadneverbeenabletoacquire.ThisvenerationMr.DickextendedtotheDoctor,whomhethoughtthemostsubtleandaccomplishedphilosopherofanyage.ItwaslongbeforeMr.Dickeverspoketohimotherwisethanbareheaded;andevenwhenheandtheDoctorhadstruckupquiteafriendship,andwouldwalktogetherbythehour,onthatsideofthecourtyardwhichwasknownamongusasTheDoctor'sWalk,Mr.Dickwouldpulloffhishatatintervalstoshowhisrespectforwisdomandknowledge.HowitevercameaboutthattheDoctorbegantoreadoutscrapsofthefamousDictionary,inthesewalks,Ineverknew;perhapshefeltitallthesame,atfirst,asreadingtohimself.However,itpassedintoacustomtoo;andMr.Dick,listeningwithafaceshiningwithprideandpleasure,inhisheartofheartsbelievedtheDictionarytobethemostdelightfulbookinthe
world.AsIthinkofthemgoingupanddownbeforethoseschoolroomwindows-theDoctorreadingwithhiscomplacentsmile,anoccasionalflourishofthemanuscript,orgravemotionofhishead;andMr.Dicklistening,enchainedbyinterest,withhispoorwitscalmlywanderingGodknowswhere,uponthewingsofhardwords-Ithinkofitasoneofthepleasantestthings,inaquietway,thatIhaveeverseen.Ifeelasiftheymightgowalkingtoandfroforever,andtheworldmightsomehowbethebetterforit-asifathousandthingsitmakesanoiseabout,werenotonehalfsogoodforit,orme.AgneswasoneofMr.Dick'sfriends,verysoon;andinoftencomingtothehouse,hemadeacquaintancewithUriah.Thefriendshipbetweenhimselfandmeincreasedcontinually,anditwasmaintainedonthisoddfooting:that,whileMr.Dickcameprofessedlytolookaftermeasmyguardian,healwaysconsultedmeinanylittlematterofdoubtthatarose,andinvariablyguidedhimselfbymyadvice;notonlyhavingahighrespectformynativesagacity,butconsideringthatIinheritedagooddealfrommyaunt.OneThursdaymorning,whenIwasabouttowalkwithMr.Dickfrom
thehoteltothecoachofficebeforegoingbacktoschool(forwehadanhour'sschoolbeforebreakfast),ImetUriahinthestreet,whoremindedmeofthepromiseIhadmadetotaketeawithhimselfandhismother:adding,withawrithe,'ButIdidn'texpectyoutokeepit,MasterCopperfield,we'resoveryumble.'IreallyhadnotyetbeenabletomakeupmymindwhetherIlikedUriahordetestedhim;andIwasverydoubtfulaboutitstill,asIstoodlookinghiminthefaceinthestreet.ButIfeltitquiteanaffronttobesupposedproud,andsaidIonlywantedtobeasked.'Oh,ifthat'sall,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah,'anditreallyisn'tourumblenessthatpreventsyou,willyoucomethisevening?Butifitisourumbleness,Ihopeyouwon'tmindowningtoit,MasterCopperfield;forwearewellawareofourcondition.'IsaidIwouldmentionittoMr.Wickfield,andifheapproved,asIhadnodoubthewould,Iwouldcomewithpleasure.So,atsixo'clockthatevening,whichwasoneoftheearlyofficeevenings,Iannouncedmyselfasready,toUriah.'Motherwillbeproud,indeed,'hesaid,aswewalkedaway
together.'Orshewouldbeproud,ifitwasn'tsinful,MasterCopperfield.''Yetyoudidn'tmindsupposingIwasproudthismorning,'Ireturned.'Ohdear,no,MasterCopperfield!'returnedUriah.'Oh,believeme,no!Suchathoughtnevercameintomyhead!Ishouldn'thavedeemeditatallproudifyouhadthoughtUStooumbleforyou.Becausewearesoveryumble.''Haveyoubeenstudyingmuchlawlately?'Iasked,tochangethesubject.'Oh,MasterCopperfield,'hesaid,withanairofself-denial,'myreadingishardlytobecalledstudy.Ihavepassedanhourortwointheevening,sometimes,withMr.Tidd.''Ratherhard,Isuppose?'saidI.'Heishardtomesometimes,'returnedUriah.'ButIdon'tknowwhathemightbetoagiftedperson.'Afterbeatingalittletuneonhischinashewalkedon,withthe
twoforefingersofhisskeletonrighthand,headded:'Thereareexpressions,yousee,MasterCopperfield-Latinwordsandterms-inMr.Tidd,thataretryingtoareaderofmyumbleattainments.''WouldyouliketobetaughtLatin?'Isaidbriskly.'Iwillteachityouwithpleasure,asIlearnit.''Oh,thankyou,MasterCopperfield,'heanswered,shakinghishead.'Iamsureit'sverykindofyoutomaketheoffer,butIammuchtooumbletoacceptit.''Whatnonsense,Uriah!''Oh,indeedyoumustexcuseme,MasterCopperfield!Iamgreatlyobliged,andIshouldlikeitofallthings,Iassureyou;butIamfartooumble.Therearepeopleenoughtotreaduponmeinmylowlystate,withoutmydoingoutragetotheirfeelingsbypossessinglearning.Learningain'tforme.Apersonlikemyselfhadbetternotaspire.Ifheistogetoninlife,hemustgetonumbly,MasterCopperfield!'
Ineversawhismouthsowide,orthecreasesinhischeekssodeep,aswhenhedeliveredhimselfofthesesentiments:shakinghisheadallthetime,andwrithingmodestly.'Ithinkyouarewrong,Uriah,'Isaid.'IdaresaythereareseveralthingsthatIcouldteachyou,ifyouwouldliketolearnthem.''Oh,Idon'tdoubtthat,MasterCopperfield,'heanswered;'notintheleast.Butnotbeingumbleyourself,youdon'tjudgewell,perhaps,forthemthatare.Iwon'tprovokemybetterswithknowledge,thankyou.I'mmuchtooumble.Hereismyumbledwelling,MasterCopperfield!'Weenteredalow,old-fashionedroom,walkedstraightintofromthestreet,andfoundthereMrs.Heep,whowasthedeadimageofUriah,onlyshort.Shereceivedmewiththeutmosthumility,andapologizedtomeforgivinghersonakiss,observingthat,lowlyastheywere,theyhadtheirnaturalaffections,whichtheyhopedwouldgivenooffencetoanyone.Itwasaperfectlydecentroom,halfparlourandhalfkitchen,butnotatallasnugroom.Thetea-thingsweresetuponthetable,andthekettlewasboilingonthehob.Therewasachestofdrawerswithanescritoiretop,for
Uriahtoreadorwriteatofanevening;therewasUriah'sbluebaglyingdownandvomitingpapers;therewasacompanyofUriah'sbookscommandedbyMr.Tidd;therewasacornercupboard:andthereweretheusualarticlesoffurniture.Idon'trememberthatanyindividualobjecthadabare,pinched,sparelook;butIdorememberthatthewholeplacehad.ItwasperhapsapartofMrs.Heep'shumility,thatshestillworeweeds.NotwithstandingthelapseoftimethathadoccurredsinceMr.Heep'sdecease,shestillworeweeds.Ithinktherewassomecompromiseinthecap;butotherwiseshewasasweedyasintheearlydaysofhermourning.'Thisisadaytoberemembered,myUriah,Iamsure,'saidMrs.Heep,makingthetea,'whenMasterCopperfieldpaysusavisit.''Isaidyou'dthinkso,mother,'saidUriah.'IfIcouldhavewishedfathertoremainamongusforanyreason,'saidMrs.Heep,'itwouldhavebeen,thathemighthaveknownhiscompanythisafternoon.'Ifeltembarrassedbythesecompliments;butIwassensible,too,
ofbeingentertainedasanhonouredguest,andIthoughtMrs.Heepanagreeablewoman.'MyUriah,'saidMrs.Heep,'haslookedforwardtothis,sir,alongwhile.Hehadhisfearsthatourumblenessstoodintheway,andIjoinedinthemmyself.Umbleweare,umblewehavebeen,umbleweshalleverbe,'saidMrs.Heep.'Iamsureyouhavenooccasiontobeso,ma'am,'Isaid,'unlessyoulike.''Thankyou,sir,'retortedMrs.Heep.'Weknowourstationandarethankfulinit.'IfoundthatMrs.Heepgraduallygotnearertome,andthatUriahgraduallygotoppositetome,andthattheyrespectfullypliedmewiththechoicestoftheeatablesonthetable.Therewasnothingparticularlychoicethere,tobesure;butItookthewillforthedeed,andfeltthattheywereveryattentive.Presentlytheybegantotalkaboutaunts,andthenItoldthemaboutmine;andaboutfathersandmothers,andthenItoldthemaboutmine;andthenMrs.Heepbegantotalkaboutfathers-in-law,andthenIbegantotellheraboutmine-butstopped,becausemyaunthadadvisedmeto
observeasilenceonthatsubject.Atenderyoungcork,however,wouldhavehadnomorechanceagainstapairofcorkscrews,oratenderyoungtoothagainstapairofdentists,oralittleshuttlecockagainsttwobattledores,thanIhadagainstUriahandMrs.Heep.Theydidjustwhattheylikedwithme;andwormedthingsoutofmethatIhadnodesiretotell,withacertaintyIblushtothinkof.themoreespecially,asinmyjuvenilefrankness,ItooksomecredittomyselfforbeingsoconfidentialandfeltthatIwasquitethepatronofmytworespectfulentertainers.Theywereveryfondofoneanother:thatwascertain.Itakeit,thathaditseffectuponme,asatouchofnature;buttheskillwithwhichtheonefollowedupwhatevertheothersaid,wasatouchofartwhichIwasstilllessproofagainst.Whentherewasnothingmoretobegotoutofmeaboutmyself(forontheMurdstoneandGrinbylife,andonmyjourney,Iwasdumb),theybeganaboutMr.WickfieldandAgnes.UriahthrewtheballtoMrs.Heep,Mrs.HeepcaughtitandthrewitbacktoUriah,Uriahkeptitupalittlewhile,thensentitbacktoMrs.Heep,andsotheywentontossingitaboutuntilIhadnoideawhohadgotit,andwasquitebewildered.Theballitselfwasalwayschangingtoo.NowitwasMr.Wickfield,nowAgnes,nowtheexcellenceofMr.Wickfield,now
myadmirationofAgnes;nowtheextentofMr.Wickfield'sbusinessandresources,nowourdomesticlifeafterdinner;now,thewinethatMr.Wickfieldtook,thereasonwhyhetookit,andthepitythatitwashetooksomuch;nowonething,nowanother,theneverythingatonce;andallthetime,withoutappearingtospeakveryoften,ortodoanythingbutsometimesencouragethemalittle,forfeartheyshouldbeovercomebytheirhumilityandthehonourofmycompany,IfoundmyselfperpetuallylettingoutsomethingorotherthatIhadnobusinesstoletoutandseeingtheeffectofitinthetwinklingofUriah'sdintednostrils.Ihadbeguntobealittleuncomfortable,andtowishmyselfwelloutofthevisit,whenafigurecomingdownthestreetpassedthedoor-itstoodopentoairtheroom,whichwaswarm,theweatherbeingcloseforthetimeofyear-camebackagain,lookedin,andwalkedin,exclaimingloudly,'Copperfield!Isitpossible?'ItwasMr.Micawber!ItwasMr.Micawber,withhiseye-glass,andhiswalking-stick,andhisshirt-collar,andhisgenteelair,andthecondescendingrollinhisvoice,allcomplete!'MydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,puttingouthishand,'thisisindeedameetingwhichiscalculatedtoimpressthemind
withasenseoftheinstabilityanduncertaintyofallhuman-inshort,itisamostextraordinarymeeting.Walkingalongthestreet,reflectingupontheprobabilityofsomethingturningup(ofwhichIamatpresentrathersanguine),Ifindayoungbutvaluedfriendturnup,whoisconnectedwiththemosteventfulperiodofmylife;Imaysay,withtheturning-pointofmyexistence.Copperfield,mydearfellow,howdoyoudo?'Icannotsay-Ireallycannotsay-thatIwasgladtoseeMr.Micawberthere;butIwasgladtoseehimtoo,andshookhandswithhim,heartily,inquiringhowMrs.Micawberwas.'Thankyou,'saidMr.Micawber,wavinghishandasofold,andsettlinghischininhisshirt-collar.'Sheistolerablyconvalescent.ThetwinsnolongerderivetheirsustenancefromNature'sfounts-inshort,'saidMr.Micawber,inoneofhisburstsofconfidence,'theyareweaned-andMrs.Micawberis,atpresent,mytravellingcompanion.Shewillberejoiced,Copperfield,torenewheracquaintancewithonewhohasprovedhimselfinallrespectsaworthyministeratthesacredaltaroffriendship.'IsaidIshouldbedelightedtoseeher.
'Youareverygood,'saidMr.Micawber.Mr.Micawberthensmiled,settledhischinagain,andlookedabouthim.'IhavediscoveredmyfriendCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawbergenteelly,andwithoutaddressinghimselfparticularlytoanyone,'notinsolitude,butpartakingofasocialmealincompanywithawidowlady,andonewhoisapparentlyheroffspring-inshort,'saidMr.Micawber,inanotherofhisburstsofconfidence,'herson.Ishallesteemitanhonourtobepresented.'Icoulddonoless,underthesecircumstances,thanmakeMr.MicawberknowntoUriahHeepandhismother;whichIaccordinglydid.Astheyabasedthemselvesbeforehim,Mr.Micawbertookaseat,andwavedhishandinhismostcourtlymanner.'AnyfriendofmyfriendCopperfield's,'saidMr.Micawber,'hasapersonalclaimuponmyself.''Wearetooumble,sir,'saidMrs.Heep,'mysonandme,tobethefriendsofMasterCopperfield.Hehasbeensogoodastakehistea
withus,andwearethankfultohimforhiscompany,alsotoyou,sir,foryournotice.''Ma'am,'returnedMr.Micawber,withabow,'youareveryobliging:andwhatareyoudoing,Copperfield?Stillinthewinetrade?'IwasexcessivelyanxioustogetMr.Micawberaway;andreplied,withmyhatinmyhand,andaveryredface,Ihavenodoubt,thatIwasapupilatDoctorStrong's.'Apupil?'saidMr.Micawber,raisinghiseyebrows.'Iamextremelyhappytohearit.AlthoughamindlikemyfriendCopperfield's'-toUriahandMrs.Heep-'doesnotrequirethatcultivationwhich,withouthisknowledgeofmenandthings,itwouldrequire,stillitisarichsoilteemingwithlatentvegetation-inshort,'saidMr.Micawber,smiling,inanotherburstofconfidence,'itisanintellectcapableofgettinguptheclassicstoanyextent.'Uriah,withhislonghandsslowlytwiningoveroneanother,madeaghastlywrithefromthewaistupwards,toexpresshisconcurrenceinthisestimationofme.
'ShallwegoandseeMrs.Micawber,sir?'Isaid,togetMr.Micawberaway.'Ifyouwilldoherthatfavour,Copperfield,'repliedMr.Micawber,rising.'Ihavenoscrupleinsaying,inthepresenceofourfriendshere,thatIamamanwhohas,forsomeyears,contendedagainstthepressureofpecuniarydifficulties.'Iknewhewascertaintosaysomethingofthiskind;healwayswouldbesoboastfulabouthisdifficulties.'SometimesIhaverisensuperiortomydifficulties.Sometimesmydifficultieshave-inshort,haveflooredme.TherehavebeentimeswhenIhaveadministeredasuccessionoffacerstothem;therehavebeentimeswhentheyhavebeentoomanyforme,andIhavegivenin,andsaidtoMrs.Micawber,inthewordsofCato,"Plato,thoureasonestwell.It'sallupnow.Icanshowfightnomore."Butatnotimeofmylife,'saidMr.Micawber,'haveIenjoyedahigherdegreeofsatisfactionthaninpouringmygriefs(ifImaydescribedifficulties,chieflyarisingoutofwarrantsofattorneyandpromissorynotesattwoandfourmonths,bythatword)intothebosomofmyfriendCopperfield.'Mr.Micawberclosedthishandsometributebysaying,'Mr.Heep!Goodevening.Mrs.Heep!Yourservant,'andthenwalkingoutwith
meinhismostfashionablemanner,makingagooddealofnoiseonthepavementwithhisshoes,andhummingatuneaswewent.ItwasalittleinnwhereMr.Micawberputup,andheoccupiedalittleroominit,partitionedofffromthecommercialroom,andstronglyflavouredwithtobacco-smoke.Ithinkitwasoverthekitchen,becauseawarmgreasysmellappearedtocomeupthroughthechinksinthefloor,andtherewasaflabbyperspirationonthewalls.Iknowitwasnearthebar,onaccountofthesmellofspiritsandjinglingofglasses.Here,recumbentonasmallsofa,underneathapictureofarace-horse,withherheadclosetothefire,andherfeetpushingthemustardoffthedumb-waiterattheotherendoftheroom,wasMrs.Micawber,towhomMr.Micawberenteredfirst,saying,'Mydear,allowmetointroducetoyouapupilofDoctorStrong's.'Inoticed,bytheby,thatalthoughMr.Micawberwasjustasmuchconfusedaseveraboutmyageandstanding,healwaysremembered,asagenteelthing,thatIwasapupilofDoctorStrong's.Mrs.Micawberwasamazed,butverygladtoseeme.Iwasverygladtoseehertoo,and,afteranaffectionategreetingonbothsides,satdownonthesmallsofanearher.
'Mydear,'saidMr.Micawber,'ifyouwillmentiontoCopperfieldwhatourpresentpositionis,whichIhavenodoubthewillliketoknow,Iwillgoandlookatthepaperthewhile,andseewhetheranythingturnsupamongtheadvertisements.''IthoughtyouwereatPlymouth,ma'am,'IsaidtoMrs.Micawber,ashewentout.'MydearMasterCopperfield,'shereplied,'wewenttoPlymouth.''Tobeonthespot,'Ihinted.'Justso,'saidMrs.Micawber.'Tobeonthespot.But,thetruthis,talentisnotwantedintheCustomHouse.Thelocalinfluenceofmyfamilywasquiteunavailingtoobtainanyemploymentinthatdepartment,foramanofMr.Micawber'sabilities.TheywouldratherNOThaveamanofMr.Micawber'sabilities.Hewouldonlyshowthedeficiencyoftheothers.Apartfromwhich,'saidMrs.Micawber,'Iwillnotdisguisefromyou,mydearMasterCopperfield,thatwhenthatbranchofmyfamilywhichissettledinPlymouth,becameawarethatMr.Micawberwasaccompaniedbymyself,andbylittleWilkinsandhissister,andbythetwins,theydid
notreceivehimwiththatardourwhichhemighthaveexpected,beingsonewlyreleasedfromcaptivity.Infact,'saidMrs.Micawber,loweringhervoice,-'thisisbetweenourselves-ourreceptionwascool.''Dearme!'Isaid.'Yes,'saidMrs.Micawber.'Itistrulypainfultocontemplatemankindinsuchanaspect,MasterCopperfield,butourreceptionwas,decidedly,cool.Thereisnodoubtaboutit.Infact,thatbranchofmyfamilywhichissettledinPlymouthbecamequitepersonaltoMr.Micawber,beforewehadbeenthereaweek.'Isaid,andthought,thattheyoughttobeashamedofthemselves.'Still,soitwas,'continuedMrs.Micawber.'Undersuchcircumstances,whatcouldamanofMr.Micawber'sspiritdo?Butoneobviouscoursewasleft.Toborrow,ofthatbranchofmyfamily,themoneytoreturntoLondon,andtoreturnatanysacrifice.''Thenyouallcamebackagain,ma'am?'Isaid.
'Weallcamebackagain,'repliedMrs.Micawber.'Sincethen,IhaveconsultedotherbranchesofmyfamilyonthecoursewhichitismostexpedientforMr.Micawbertotake-forImaintainthathemusttakesomecourse,MasterCopperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,argumentatively.'Itisclearthatafamilyofsix,notincludingadomestic,cannotliveuponair.''Certainly,ma'am,'saidI.'Theopinionofthoseotherbranchesofmyfamily,'pursuedMrs.Micawber,'is,thatMr.Micawbershouldimmediatelyturnhisattentiontocoals.''Towhat,ma'am?''Tocoals,'saidMrs.Micawber.'Tothecoaltrade.Mr.Micawberwasinducedtothink,oninquiry,thattheremightbeanopeningforamanofhistalentintheMedwayCoalTrade.Then,asMr.Micawberveryproperlysaid,thefirststeptobetakenclearlywas,tocomeandseetheMedway.Whichwecameandsaw.Isay"we",MasterCopperfield;forIneverwill,'saidMrs.Micawberwithemotion,'IneverwilldesertMr.Micawber.'
Imurmuredmyadmirationandapprobation.'Wecame,'repeatedMrs.Micawber,'andsawtheMedway.Myopinionofthecoaltradeonthatriveris,thatitmayrequiretalent,butthatitcertainlyrequirescapital.Talent,Mr.Micawberhas;capital,Mr.Micawberhasnot.Wesaw,Ithink,thegreaterpartoftheMedway;andthatismyindividualconclusion.Beingsonearhere,Mr.Micawberwasofopinionthatitwouldberashnottocomeon,andseetheCathedral.Firstly,onaccountofitsbeingsowellworthseeing,andourneverhavingseenit;andsecondly,onaccountofthegreatprobabilityofsomethingturningupinacathedraltown.Wehavebeenhere,'saidMrs.Micawber,'threedays.Nothinghas,asyet,turnedup;anditmaynotsurpriseyou,mydearMasterCopperfield,somuchasitwouldastranger,toknowthatweareatpresentwaitingforaremittancefromLondon,todischargeourpecuniaryobligationsatthishotel.Untilthearrivalofthatremittance,'saidMrs.Micawberwithmuchfeeling,'Iamcutofffrommyhome(IalludetolodgingsinPentonville),frommyboyandgirl,andfrommytwins.'IfelttheutmostsympathyforMr.andMrs.Micawberinthisanxiousextremity,andsaidasmuchtoMr.Micawber,whonowreturned:addingthatIonlywishedIhadmoneyenough,tolend
themtheamounttheyneeded.Mr.Micawber'sanswerexpressedthedisturbanceofhismind.Hesaid,shakinghandswithme,'Copperfield,youareatruefriend;butwhentheworstcomestotheworst,nomaniswithoutafriendwhoispossessedofshavingmaterials.'AtthisdreadfulhintMrs.MicawberthrewherarmsroundMr.Micawber'sneckandentreatedhimtobecalm.Hewept;butsofarrecovered,almostimmediately,astoringthebellforthewaiter,andbespeakahotkidneypuddingandaplateofshrimpsforbreakfastinthemorning.WhenItookmyleaveofthem,theybothpressedmesomuchtocomeanddinebeforetheywentaway,thatIcouldnotrefuse.But,asIknewIcouldnotcomenextday,whenIshouldhaveagooddealtoprepareintheevening,Mr.MicawberarrangedthathewouldcallatDoctorStrong'sinthecourseofthemorning(havingapresentimentthattheremittancewouldarrivebythatpost),andproposethedayafter,ifitwouldsuitmebetter.AccordinglyIwascalledoutofschoolnextforenoon,andfoundMr.Micawberintheparlour;whohadcalledtosaythatthedinnerwouldtakeplaceasproposed.WhenIaskedhimiftheremittancehadcome,hepressedmyhandanddeparted.AsIwaslookingoutofwindowthatsameevening,itsurprisedme,
andmademeratheruneasy,toseeMr.MicawberandUriahHeepwalkpast,arminarm:Uriahhumblysensibleofthehonourthatwasdonehim,andMr.MicawbertakingablanddelightinextendinghispatronagetoUriah.ButIwasstillmoresurprised,whenIwenttothelittlehotelnextdayattheappointeddinner-hour,whichwasfouro'clock,tofind,fromwhatMr.Micawbersaid,thathehadgonehomewithUriah,andhaddrunkbrandy-and-wateratMrs.Heep's.'AndI'lltellyouwhat,mydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,'yourfriendHeepisayoungfellowwhomightbeattorney-general.IfIhadknownthatyoungman,attheperiodwhenmydifficultiescametoacrisis,allIcansayis,thatIbelievemycreditorswouldhavebeenagreatdealbettermanagedthantheywere.'Ihardlyunderstoodhowthiscouldhavebeen,seeingthatMr.Micawberhadpaidthemnothingatallasitwas;butIdidnotliketoask.NeitherdidIliketosay,thatIhopedhehadnotbeentoocommunicativetoUriah;ortoinquireiftheyhadtalkedmuchaboutme.IwasafraidofhurtingMr.Micawber'sfeelings,or,atallevents,Mrs.Micawber's,shebeingverysensitive;butIwasuncomfortableaboutit,too,andoftenthoughtaboutitafterwards.
Wehadabeautifullittledinner.Quiteanelegantdishoffish;thekidney-endofaloinofveal,roasted;friedsausage-meat;apartridge,andapudding.Therewaswine,andtherewasstrongale;andafterdinnerMrs.Micawbermadeusabowlofhotpunchwithherownhands.Mr.Micawberwasuncommonlyconvivial.Ineversawhimsuchgoodcompany.Hemadehisfaceshinewiththepunch,sothatitlookedasifithadbeenvarnishedallover.Hegotcheerfullysentimentalaboutthetown,andproposedsuccesstoit;observingthatMrs.MicawberandhimselfhadbeenmadeextremelysnugandcomfortablethereandthathenevershouldforgettheagreeablehourstheyhadpassedinCanterbury.Heproposedmeafterwards;andhe,andMrs.Micawber,andI,tookareviewofourpastacquaintance,inthecourseofwhichwesoldthepropertyalloveragain.ThenIproposedMrs.Micawber:or,atleast,said,modestly,'Ifyou'llallowme,Mrs.Micawber,Ishallnowhavethepleasureofdrinkingyourhealth,ma'am.'OnwhichMr.MicawberdeliveredaneulogiumonMrs.Micawber'scharacter,andsaidshehadeverbeenhisguide,philosopher,andfriend,andthathewouldrecommendme,whenIcametoamarryingtimeoflife,tomarrysuchanotherwoman,ifsuchanotherwomancouldbefound.
Asthepunchdisappeared,Mr.Micawberbecamestillmorefriendlyandconvivial.Mrs.Micawber'sspiritsbecomingelevated,too,wesang'AuldLangSyne'.Whenwecameto'Here'sahand,mytrustyfrere',wealljoinedhandsroundthetable;andwhenwedeclaredwewould'takearightgudeWillieWaught',andhadn'ttheleastideawhatitmeant,wewerereallyaffected.Inaword,IneversawanybodysothoroughlyjovialasMr.Micawberwas,downtotheverylastmomentoftheevening,whenItookaheartyfarewellofhimselfandhisamiablewife.Consequently,Iwasnotprepared,atseveno'clocknextmorning,toreceivethefollowingcommunication,datedhalfpastnineintheevening;aquarterofanhourafterIhadlefthim:-'MyDEARYOUNGFRIEND,'Thedieiscast-allisover.Hidingtheravagesofcarewithasicklymaskofmirth,Ihavenotinformedyou,thisevening,thatthereisnohopeoftheremittance!Underthesecircumstances,alikehumiliatingtoendure,humiliatingtocontemplate,andhumiliatingtorelate,Ihavedischargedthepecuniaryliabilitycontractedatthisestablishment,bygivinganoteofhand,madepayablefourteendaysafterdate,atmyresidence,Pentonville,
London.Whenitbecomesdue,itwillnotbetakenup.Theresultisdestruction.Theboltisimpending,andthetreemustfall.'Letthewretchedmanwhonowaddressesyou,mydearCopperfield,beabeacontoyouthroughlife.Hewriteswiththatintention,andinthathope.Ifhecouldthinkhimselfofsomuchuse,onegleamofdaymight,bypossibility,penetrateintothecheerlessdungeonofhisremainingexistence-thoughhislongevityis,atpresent(tosaytheleastofit),extremelyproblematical.'Thisisthelastcommunication,mydearCopperfield,youwilleverreceive'From'The'BeggaredOutcast,'WILKINSMICAWBER.'Iwassoshockedbythecontentsofthisheart-rendingletter,that
IranoffdirectlytowardsthelittlehotelwiththeintentionoftakingitonmywaytoDoctorStrong's,andtryingtosootheMr.Micawberwithawordofcomfort.But,half-waythere,ImettheLondoncoachwithMr.andMrs.Micawberupbehind;Mr.Micawber,theverypictureoftranquilenjoyment,smilingatMrs.Micawber'sconversation,eatingwalnutsoutofapaperbag,withabottlestickingoutofhisbreastpocket.Astheydidnotseeme,Ithoughtitbest,allthingsconsidered,nottoseethem.So,withagreatweighttakenoffmymind,Iturnedintoaby-streetthatwasthenearestwaytoschool,andfelt,uponthewhole,relievedthattheyweregone;thoughIstilllikedthemverymuch,nevertheless.CHAPTER18ARETROSPECTMyschool-days!Thesilentglidingonofmyexistence-theunseen,unfeltprogressofmylife-fromchildhooduptoyouth!Letmethink,asIlookbackuponthatflowingwater,nowadrychannelovergrownwithleaves,whetherthereareanymarksalongitscourse,bywhichIcanrememberhowitran.
Amoment,andIoccupymyplaceintheCathedral,whereweallwenttogether,everySundaymorning,assemblingfirstatschoolforthatpurpose.Theearthysmell,thesunlessair,thesensationoftheworldbeingshutout,theresoundingoftheorganthroughtheblackandwhitearchedgalleriesandaisles,arewingsthattakemeback,andholdmehoveringabovethosedays,inahalf-sleepingandhalf-wakingdream.Iamnotthelastboyintheschool.Ihaveriseninafewmonths,overseveralheads.Butthefirstboyseemstomeamightycreature,dwellingafaroff,whosegiddyheightisunattainable.Agnessays'No,'butIsay'Yes,'andtellherthatshelittlethinkswhatstoresofknowledgehavebeenmasteredbythewonderfulBeing,atwhoseplaceshethinksI,evenI,weakaspirant,mayarriveintime.Heisnotmyprivatefriendandpublicpatron,asSteerforthwas,butIholdhiminareverentialrespect.Ichieflywonderwhathe'llbe,whenheleavesDoctorStrong's,andwhatmankindwilldotomaintainanyplaceagainsthim.Butwhoisthisthatbreaksuponme?ThisisMissShepherd,whomIlove.
MissShepherdisaboarderattheMissesNettingalls'establishment.IadoreMissShepherd.Sheisalittlegirl,inaspencer,witharoundfaceandcurlyflaxenhair.TheMissesNettingalls'youngladiescometotheCathedraltoo.Icannotlookuponmybook,forImustlookuponMissShepherd.Whenthechoristerschaunt,IhearMissShepherd.IntheserviceImentallyinsertMissShepherd'sname-IputherinamongtheRoyalFamily.Athome,inmyownroom,Iamsometimesmovedtocryout,'Oh,MissShepherd!'inatransportoflove.Forsometime,IamdoubtfulofMissShepherd'sfeelings,but,atlength,Fatebeingpropitious,wemeetatthedancing-school.IhaveMissShepherdformypartner.ItouchMissShepherd'sglove,andfeelathrillgouptherightarmofmyjacket,andcomeoutatmyhair.IsaynothingtoMissShepherd,butweunderstandeachother.MissShepherdandmyselflivebuttobeunited.WhydoIsecretlygiveMissShepherdtwelveBrazilnutsforapresent,Iwonder?Theyarenotexpressiveofaffection,theyaredifficulttopackintoaparcelofanyregularshape,theyarehardtocrack,eveninroomdoors,andtheyareoilywhencracked;yetIfeelthattheyareappropriatetoMissShepherd.Soft,seedybiscuits,also,IbestowuponMissShepherd;andoranges
innumerable.Once,IkissMissShepherdinthecloak-room.Ecstasy!Whataremyagonyandindignationnextday,whenIhearaflyingrumourthattheMissesNettingallhavestoodMissShepherdinthestocksforturninginhertoes!MissShepherdbeingtheonepervadingthemeandvisionofmylife,howdoIevercometobreakwithher?Ican'tconceive.AndyetacoolnessgrowsbetweenMissShepherdandmyself.WhispersreachmeofMissShepherdhavingsaidshewishedIwouldn'tstareso,andhavingavowedapreferenceforMasterJones-forJones!aboyofnomeritwhatever!ThegulfbetweenmeandMissShepherdwidens.Atlast,oneday,ImeettheMissesNettingalls'establishmentoutwalking.MissShepherdmakesafaceasshegoesby,andlaughstohercompanion.Allisover.Thedevotionofalife-itseemsalife,itisallthesame-isatanend;MissShepherdcomesoutofthemorningservice,andtheRoyalFamilyknowhernomore.Iamhigherintheschool,andnoonebreaksmypeace.Iamnotatallpolite,now,totheMissesNettingalls'youngladies,andshouldn'tdoteonanyofthem,iftheyweretwiceasmanyandtwentytimesasbeautiful.Ithinkthedancing-schoolatiresomeaffair,andwonderwhythegirlscan'tdancebythemselvesandleaveusalone.IamgrowinggreatinLatinverses,andneglect
thelacesofmyboots.DoctorStrongreferstomeinpublicasapromisingyoungscholar.Mr.Dickiswildwithjoy,andmyauntremitsmeaguineabythenextpost.Theshadeofayoungbutcherrises,liketheapparitionofanarmedheadinMacbeth.Whoisthisyoungbutcher?HeistheterroroftheyouthofCanterbury.Thereisavaguebeliefabroad,thatthebeefsuetwithwhichheanointshishairgiveshimunnaturalstrength,andthatheisamatchforaman.Heisabroad-faced,bull-necked,youngbutcher,withroughredcheeks,anill-conditionedmind,andaninjurioustongue.Hismainuseofthistongue,is,todisparageDoctorStrong'syounggentlemen.Hesays,publicly,thatiftheywantanythinghe'llgiveit'em.Henamesindividualsamongthem(myselfincluded),whomhecouldundertaketosettlewithonehand,andtheothertiedbehindhim.Hewaylaysthesmallerboystopunchtheirunprotectedheads,andcallschallengesaftermeintheopenstreets.ForthesesufficientreasonsIresolvetofightthebutcher.Itisasummerevening,downinagreenhollow,atthecornerofawall.Imeetthebutcherbyappointment.Iamattendedbyaselectbodyofourboys;thebutcher,bytwootherbutchers,ayoungpublican,andasweep.Thepreliminariesareadjusted,and
thebutcherandmyselfstandfacetoface.Inamomentthebutcherlightstenthousandcandlesoutofmylefteyebrow.Inanothermoment,Idon'tknowwherethewallis,orwhereIam,orwhereanybodyis.Ihardlyknowwhichismyselfandwhichthebutcher,wearealwaysinsuchatangleandtussle,knockingaboutuponthetroddengrass.SometimesIseethebutcher,bloodybutconfident;sometimesIseenothing,andsitgaspingonmysecond'sknee;sometimesIgoinatthebutchermadly,andcutmyknucklesopenagainsthisface,withoutappearingtodiscomposehimatall.AtlastIawake,veryqueeraboutthehead,asfromagiddysleep,andseethebutcherwalkingoff,congratulatedbythetwootherbutchersandthesweepandpublican,andputtingonhiscoatashegoes;fromwhichIaugur,justly,thatthevictoryishis.Iamtakenhomeinasadplight,andIhavebeef-steaksputtomyeyes,andamrubbedwithvinegarandbrandy,andfindagreatpuffyplaceburstingoutonmyupperlip,whichswellsimmoderately.ForthreeorfourdaysIremainathome,averyill-lookingsubject,withagreenshadeovermyeyes;andIshouldbeverydull,butthatAgnesisasistertome,andcondoleswithme,andreadstome,andmakesthetimelightandhappy.Agneshasmyconfidencecompletely,always;Itellherallaboutthebutcher,andthewrongshehasheapeduponme;shethinksIcouldn'thavedone
otherwisethanfightthebutcher,whilesheshrinksandtremblesatmyhavingfoughthim.Timehasstolenonunobserved,forAdamsisnotthehead-boyinthedaysthatarecomenow,norhashebeenthismanyandmanyaday.Adamshaslefttheschoolsolong,thatwhenhecomesback,onavisittoDoctorStrong,therearenotmanythere,besidesmyself,whoknowhim.Adamsisgoingtobecalledtothebaralmostdirectly,andistobeanadvocate,andtowearawig.IamsurprisedtofindhimameekermanthanIhadthought,andlessimposinginappearance.Hehasnotstaggeredtheworldyet,either;foritgoeson(aswellasIcanmakeout)prettymuchthesameasifhehadneverjoinedit.Ablank,throughwhichthewarriorsofpoetryandhistorymarchoninstatelyhoststhatseemtohavenoend-andwhatcomesnext!Iamthehead-boy,now!Ilookdownonthelineofboysbelowme,withacondescendinginterestinsuchofthemasbringtomymindtheboyIwasmyself,whenIfirstcamethere.Thatlittlefellowseemstobenopartofme;Irememberhimassomethingleftbehindupontheroadoflife-assomethingIhavepassed,ratherthanhaveactuallybeen-andalmostthinkofhimasofsomeoneelse.
AndthelittlegirlIsawonthatfirstdayatMr.Wickfield's,whereisshe?Gonealso.Inherstead,theperfectlikenessofthepicture,achildlikenessnomore,movesaboutthehouse;andAgnes-mysweetsister,asIcallherinmythoughts,mycounsellorandfriend,thebetterangelofthelivesofallwhocomewithinhercalm,good,self-denyinginfluence-isquiteawoman.Whatotherchangeshavecomeuponme,besidesthechangesinmygrowthandlooks,andintheknowledgeIhavegarneredallthiswhile?Iwearagoldwatchandchain,aringuponmylittlefinger,andalong-tailedcoat;andIuseagreatdealofbear'sgrease-which,takeninconjunctionwiththering,looksbad.AmIinloveagain?Iam.IworshiptheeldestMissLarkins.TheeldestMissLarkinsisnotalittlegirl.Sheisatall,dark,black-eyed,finefigureofawoman.TheeldestMissLarkinsisnotachicken;fortheyoungestMissLarkinsisnotthat,andtheeldestmustbethreeorfouryearsolder.PerhapstheeldestMissLarkinsmaybeaboutthirty.Mypassionforherisbeyondallbounds.TheeldestMissLarkinsknowsofficers.Itisanawfulthingto
bear.Iseethemspeakingtoherinthestreet.Iseethemcrossthewaytomeether,whenherbonnet(shehasabrighttasteinbonnets)isseencomingdownthepavement,accompaniedbyhersister'sbonnet.Shelaughsandtalks,andseemstolikeit.Ispendagooddealofmyownsparetimeinwalkingupanddowntomeether.IfIcanbowtoheronceintheday(Iknowhertobowto,knowingMr.Larkins),Iamhappier.Ideserveabownowandthen.TheragingagoniesIsufferonthenightoftheRaceBall,whereIknowtheeldestMissLarkinswillbedancingwiththemilitary,oughttohavesomecompensation,iftherebeeven-handedjusticeintheworld.Mypassiontakesawaymyappetite,andmakesmewearmynewestsilkneckerchiefcontinually.Ihavenoreliefbutinputtingonmybestclothes,andhavingmybootscleanedoverandoveragain.Iseem,then,tobeworthieroftheeldestMissLarkins.Everythingthatbelongstoher,orisconnectedwithher,isprecioustome.Mr.Larkins(agruffoldgentlemanwithadoublechin,andoneofhiseyesimmovableinhishead)isfraughtwithinteresttome.WhenIcan'tmeethisdaughter,IgowhereIamlikelytomeethim.Tosay'Howdoyoudo,Mr.Larkins?Aretheyoungladiesandallthefamilyquitewell?'seemssopointed,thatIblush.
Ithinkcontinuallyaboutmyage.SayIamseventeen,andsaythatseventeenisyoungfortheeldestMissLarkins,whatofthat?Besides,Ishallbeone-and-twentyinnotimealmost.IregularlytakewalksoutsideMr.Larkins'shouseintheevening,thoughitcutsmetothehearttoseetheofficersgoin,ortohearthemupinthedrawing-room,wheretheeldestMissLarkinsplaystheharp.Ievenwalk,ontwoorthreeoccasions,inasickly,spoonymanner,roundandroundthehouseafterthefamilyaregonetobed,wonderingwhichistheeldestMissLarkins'schamber(andpitching,Idaresaynow,onMr.Larkins'sinstead);wishingthatafirewouldburstout;thattheassembledcrowdwouldstandappalled;thatI,dashingthroughthemwithaladder,mightrearitagainstherwindow,saveherinmyarms,gobackforsomethingshehadleftbehind,andperishintheflames.ForIamgenerallydisinterestedinmylove,andthinkIcouldbecontenttomakeafigurebeforeMissLarkins,andexpire.Generally,butnotalways.Sometimesbrightervisionsrisebeforeme.WhenIdress(theoccupationoftwohours),foragreatballgivenattheLarkins's(theanticipationofthreeweeks),Iindulgemyfancywithpleasingimages.IpicturemyselftakingcouragetomakeadeclarationtoMissLarkins.IpictureMissLarkinssinkingherheaduponmyshoulder,andsaying,'Oh,Mr.Copperfield,canI
believemyears!'IpictureMr.Larkinswaitingonmenextmorning,andsaying,'MydearCopperfield,mydaughterhastoldmeall.Youthisnoobjection.Herearetwentythousandpounds.Behappy!'Ipicturemyauntrelenting,andblessingus;andMr.DickandDoctorStrongbeingpresentatthemarriageceremony.Iamasensiblefellow,Ibelieve-Ibelieve,onlookingback,Imean-andmodestIamsure;butallthisgoesonnotwithstanding.Irepairtotheenchantedhouse,wheretherearelights,chattering,music,flowers,officers(Iamsorrytosee),andtheeldestMissLarkins,ablazeofbeauty.Sheisdressedinblue,withblueflowersinherhair-forget-me-nots-asifSHEhadanyneedtowearforget-me-nots.Itisthefirstreallygrown-uppartythatIhaveeverbeeninvitedto,andIamalittleuncomfortable;forIappearnottobelongtoanybody,andnobodyappearstohaveanythingtosaytome,exceptMr.Larkins,whoasksmehowmyschoolfellowsare,whichheneedn'tdo,asIhavenotcometheretobeinsulted.ButafterIhavestoodinthedoorwayforsometime,andfeastedmyeyesuponthegoddessofmyheart,sheapproachesme-she,theeldestMissLarkins!-andasksmepleasantly,ifIdance?Istammer,withabow,'Withyou,MissLarkins.'
'Withnooneelse?'inquiresMissLarkins.'Ishouldhavenopleasureindancingwithanyoneelse.'MissLarkinslaughsandblushes(orIthinksheblushes),andsays,'Nexttimebutone,Ishallbeveryglad.'Thetimearrives.'Itisawaltz,Ithink,'MissLarkinsdoubtfullyobserves,whenIpresentmyself.'Doyouwaltz?Ifnot,CaptainBailey-'ButIdowaltz(prettywell,too,asithappens),andItakeMissLarkinsout.ItakehersternlyfromthesideofCaptainBailey.Heiswretched,Ihavenodoubt;butheisnothingtome.Ihavebeenwretched,too.IwaltzwiththeeldestMissLarkins!Idon'tknowwhere,amongwhom,orhowlong.IonlyknowthatIswimaboutinspace,withablueangel,inastateofblissfuldelirium,untilIfindmyselfalonewithherinalittleroom,restingonasofa.Sheadmiresaflower(pinkcamelliajaponica,pricehalf-a-crown),inmybutton-hole.Igiveither,andsay:'Iaskaninestimablepriceforit,MissLarkins.'
'Indeed!Whatisthat?'returnsMissLarkins.'Aflowerofyours,thatImaytreasureitasamiserdoesgold.''You'reaboldboy,'saysMissLarkins.'There.'Shegivesitme,notdispleased;andIputittomylips,andthenintomybreast.MissLarkins,laughing,drawsherhandthroughmyarm,andsays,'NowtakemebacktoCaptainBailey.'Iamlostintherecollectionofthisdeliciousinterview,andthewaltz,whenshecomestomeagain,withaplainelderlygentlemanwhohasbeenplayingwhistallnight,uponherarm,andsays:'Oh!hereismyboldfriend!Mr.Chestlewantstoknowyou,Mr.Copperfield.'Ifeelatoncethatheisafriendofthefamily,andammuchgratified.'Iadmireyourtaste,sir,'saysMr.Chestle.'Itdoesyoucredit.Isupposeyoudon'ttakemuchinterestinhops;butIamapretty
largegrowermyself;andifyoueverliketocomeovertoourneighbourhood-neighbourhoodofAshford-andtakearunaboutourplace,-weshallbegladforyoutostopaslongasyoulike.'IthankMr.Chestlewarmly,andshakehands.IthinkIaminahappydream.IwaltzwiththeeldestMissLarkinsonceagain.ShesaysIwaltzsowell!Igohomeinastateofunspeakablebliss,andwaltzinimagination,allnightlong,withmyarmroundthebluewaistofmydeardivinity.Forsomedaysafterwards,Iamlostinrapturousreflections;butIneitherseeherinthestreet,norwhenIcall.Iamimperfectlyconsoledforthisdisappointmentbythesacredpledge,theperishedflower.'Trotwood,'saysAgnes,onedayafterdinner.'Whodoyouthinkisgoingtobemarriedtomorrow?Someoneyouadmire.''Notyou,Isuppose,Agnes?''Notme!'raisinghercheerfulfacefromthemusicsheiscopying.'Doyouhearhim,Papa?-TheeldestMissLarkins.''To-toCaptainBailey?'Ihavejustenoughpowertoask.
'No;tonoCaptain.ToMr.Chestle,ahop-grower.'Iamterriblydejectedforaboutaweekortwo.Itakeoffmyring,Iwearmyworstclothes,Iusenobear'sgrease,andIfrequentlylamentoverthelateMissLarkins'sfadedflower.Being,bythattime,rathertiredofthiskindoflife,andhavingreceivednewprovocationfromthebutcher,Ithrowthefloweraway,gooutwiththebutcher,andgloriouslydefeathim.This,andtheresumptionofmyring,aswellasofthebear'sgreaseinmoderation,arethelastmarksIcandiscern,now,inmyprogresstoseventeen.CHAPTER19ILOOKABOUTME,ANDMAKEADISCOVERYIamdoubtfulwhetherIwasatheartgladorsorry,whenmyschool-daysdrewtoanend,andthetimecameformyleavingDoctorStrong's.Ihadbeenveryhappythere,IhadagreatattachmentfortheDoctor,andIwaseminentanddistinguishedinthatlittleworld.ForthesereasonsIwassorrytogo;butforotherreasons,unsubstantialenough,Iwasglad.Mistyideasofbeingayoungman
atmyowndisposal,oftheimportanceattachingtoayoungmanathisowndisposal,ofthewonderfulthingstobeseenanddonebythatmagnificentanimal,andthewonderfuleffectshecouldnotfailtomakeuponsociety,luredmeaway.Sopowerfulwerethesevisionaryconsiderationsinmyboyishmind,thatIseem,accordingtomypresentwayofthinking,tohaveleftschoolwithoutnaturalregret.Theseparationhasnotmadetheimpressiononme,thatotherseparationshave.ItryinvaintorecallhowIfeltaboutit,andwhatitscircumstanceswere;butitisnotmomentousinmyrecollection.Isupposetheopeningprospectconfusedme.Iknowthatmyjuvenileexperienceswentforlittleornothingthen;andthatlifewasmorelikeagreatfairystory,whichIwasjustabouttobegintoread,thananythingelse.MYauntandIhadheldmanygravedeliberationsonthecallingtowhichIshouldbedevoted.ForayearormoreIhadendeavouredtofindasatisfactoryanswertoheroften-repeatedquestion,'WhatIwouldliketobe?'ButIhadnoparticularliking,thatIcoulddiscover,foranything.IfIcouldhavebeeninspiredwithaknowledgeofthescienceofnavigation,takenthecommandofafast-sailingexpedition,andgoneroundtheworldonatriumphantvoyageofdiscovery,IthinkImighthaveconsideredmyselfcompletelysuited.But,intheabsenceofanysuchmiraculous
provision,mydesirewastoapplymyselftosomepursuitthatwouldnotlietooheavilyuponherpurse;andtodomydutyinit,whateveritmightbe.Mr.Dickhadregularlyassistedatourcouncils,withameditativeandsagedemeanour.Henevermadeasuggestionbutonce;andonthatoccasion(Idon'tknowwhatputitinhishead),hesuddenlyproposedthatIshouldbe'aBrazier'.Myauntreceivedthisproposalsoveryungraciously,thatheneverventuredonasecond;buteverafterwardsconfinedhimselftolookingwatchfullyatherforhersuggestions,andrattlinghismoney.'Trot,Itellyouwhat,mydear,'saidmyaunt,onemorningintheChristmasseasonwhenIleftschool:'asthisknottypointisstillunsettled,andaswemustnotmakeamistakeinourdecisionifwecanhelpit,Ithinkwehadbettertakealittlebreathing-time.Inthemeanwhile,youmusttrytolookatitfromanewpointofview,andnotasaschoolboy.''Iwill,aunt.''Ithasoccurredtome,'pursuedmyaunt,'thatalittlechange,andaglimpseoflifeoutofdoors,maybeusefulinhelpingyouto
knowyourownmind,andformacoolerjudgement.Supposeyouweretogodownintotheoldpartofthecountryagain,forinstance,andseethat-thatout-of-the-waywomanwiththesavagestofnames,'saidmyaunt,rubbinghernose,forshecouldneverthoroughlyforgivePeggottyforbeingsocalled.'Ofallthingsintheworld,aunt,Ishouldlikeitbest!''Well,'saidmyaunt,'that'slucky,forIshouldlikeittoo.Butit'snaturalandrationalthatyoushouldlikeit.AndIamverywellpersuadedthatwhateveryoudo,Trot,willalwaysbenaturalandrational.''Ihopeso,aunt.''Yoursister,BetseyTrotwood,'saidmyaunt,'wouldhavebeenasnaturalandrationalagirlaseverbreathed.You'llbeworthyofher,won'tyou?''IhopeIshallbeworthyofYOU,aunt.Thatwillbeenoughforme.''It'samercythatpoordearbabyofamotherofyoursdidn't
live,'saidmyaunt,lookingatmeapprovingly,'orshe'dhavebeensovainofherboybythistime,thathersoftlittleheadwouldhavebeencompletelyturned,iftherewasanythingofitlefttoturn.'(Myauntalwaysexcusedanyweaknessofherowninmybehalf,bytransferringitinthiswaytomypoormother.)'Blessme,Trotwood,howyoudoremindmeofher!''Pleasantly,Ihope,aunt?'saidI.'He'saslikeher,Dick,'saidmyaunt,emphatically,'he'saslikeher,asshewasthatafternoonbeforeshebegantofret-blessmyheart,he'saslikeher,ashecanlookatmeoutofhistwoeyes!''Isheindeed?'saidMr.Dick.'Andhe'slikeDavid,too,'saidmyaunt,decisively.'HeisverylikeDavid!'saidMr.Dick.'ButwhatIwantyoutobe,Trot,'resumedmyaunt,'-Idon'tmeanphysically,butmorally;youareverywellphysically-is,afirmfellow.Afinefirmfellow,withawillofyourown.Withresolution,'saidmyaunt,shakinghercapatme,andclenchingher
hand.'Withdetermination.Withcharacter,Trot-withstrengthofcharacterthatisnottobeinfluenced,exceptongoodreason,byanybody,orbyanything.That'swhatIwantyoutobe.That'swhatyourfatherandmothermightbothhavebeen,Heavenknows,andbeenthebetterforit.'IintimatedthatIhopedIshouldbewhatshedescribed.'Thatyoumaybegin,inasmallway,tohavearelianceuponyourself,andtoactforyourself,'saidmyaunt,'Ishallsendyouuponyourtrip,alone.Ididthink,once,ofMr.Dick'sgoingwithyou;but,onsecondthoughts,Ishallkeephimtotakecareofme.'Mr.Dick,foramoment,lookedalittledisappointed;untilthehonouranddignityofhavingtotakecareofthemostwonderfulwomanintheworld,restoredthesunshinetohisface.'Besides,'saidmyaunt,'there'stheMemorial-''Oh,certainly,'saidMr.Dick,inahurry,'Iintend,Trotwood,togetthatdoneimmediately-itreallymustbedoneimmediately!Andthenitwillgoin,youknow-andthen-'saidMr.Dick,aftercheckinghimself,andpausingalongtime,'there'llbeapretty
kettleoffish!'Inpursuanceofmyaunt'skindscheme,Iwasshortlyafterwardsfittedoutwithahandsomepurseofmoney,andaportmanteau,andtenderlydismisseduponmyexpedition.Atparting,myauntgavemesomegoodadvice,andagoodmanykisses;andsaidthatasherobjectwasthatIshouldlookaboutme,andshouldthinkalittle,shewouldrecommendmetostayafewdaysinLondon,ifIlikedit,eitheronmywaydownintoSuffolk,orincomingback.Inaword,IwasatlibertytodowhatIwould,forthreeweeksoramonth;andnootherconditionswereimposeduponmyfreedomthanthebefore-mentionedthinkingandlookingaboutme,andapledgetowritethreetimesaweekandfaithfullyreportmyself.IwenttoCanterburyfirst,thatImighttakeleaveofAgnesandMr.Wickfield(myoldroominwhosehouseIhadnotyetrelinquished),andalsoofthegoodDoctor.Agneswasverygladtoseeme,andtoldmethatthehousehadnotbeenlikeitselfsinceIhadleftit.'IamsureIamnotlikemyselfwhenIamaway,'saidI.'Iseemtowantmyrighthand,whenImissyou.Thoughthat'snotsayingmuch;forthere'snoheadinmyrighthand,andnoheart.Everyone
whoknowsyou,consultswithyou,andisguidedbyyou,Agnes.''Everyonewhoknowsme,spoilsme,Ibelieve,'sheanswered,smiling.'No.it'sbecauseyouarelikenooneelse.Youaresogood,andsosweet-tempered.Youhavesuchagentlenature,andyouarealwaysright.''Youtalk,'saidAgnes,breakingintoapleasantlaugh,asshesatatwork,'asifIwerethelateMissLarkins.''Come!It'snotfairtoabusemyconfidence,'Ianswered,reddeningattherecollectionofmyblueenslaver.'ButIshallconfideinyou,justthesame,Agnes.Icannevergrowoutofthat.WheneverIfallintotrouble,orfallinlove,Ishallalwaystellyou,ifyou'llletme-evenwhenIcometofallinloveinearnest.''Why,youhavealwaysbeeninearnest!'saidAgnes,laughingagain.'Oh!thatwasasachild,oraschoolboy,'saidI,laughinginmyturn,notwithoutbeingalittleshame-faced.'Timesarealtering
now,andIsupposeIshallbeinaterriblestateofearnestnessonedayorother.Mywonderis,thatyouarenotinearnestyourself,bythistime,Agnes.'Agneslaughedagain,andshookherhead.'Oh,Iknowyouarenot!'saidI,'becauseifyouhadbeenyouwouldhavetoldme.Oratleast'-forIsawafaintblushinherface,'youwouldhaveletmefinditoutformyself.ButthereisnoonethatIknowof,whodeservestoloveyou,Agnes.Someoneofanoblercharacter,andmoreworthyaltogetherthananyoneIhaveeverseenhere,mustriseup,beforeIgivemyconsent.Inthetimetocome,Ishallhaveawaryeyeonalladmirers;andshallexactagreatdealfromthesuccessfulone,Iassureyou.'Wehadgoneon,sofar,inamixtureofconfidentialjestandearnest,thathadlonggrownnaturallyoutofourfamiliarrelations,begunasmerechildren.ButAgnes,nowsuddenlyliftinguphereyestomine,andspeakinginadifferentmanner,said:'Trotwood,thereissomethingthatIwanttoaskyou,andthatImaynothaveanotheropportunityofaskingforalongtime,perhaps-somethingIwouldask,Ithink,ofnooneelse.Haveyou
observedanygradualalterationinPapa?'Ihadobservedit,andhadoftenwonderedwhethershehadtoo.Imusthaveshownasmuch,now,inmyface;forhereyeswereinamomentcastdown,andIsawtearsinthem.'Tellmewhatitis,'shesaid,inalowvoice.'Ithink-shallIbequiteplain,Agnes,likinghimsomuch?''Yes,'shesaid.'IthinkhedoeshimselfnogoodbythehabitthathasincreaseduponhimsinceIfirstcamehere.Heisoftenverynervous-orIfancyso.''Itisnotfancy,'saidAgnes,shakingherhead.'Hishandtrembles,hisspeechisnotplain,andhiseyeslookwild.Ihaveremarkedthatatthosetimes,andwhenheisleastlikehimself,heismostcertaintobewantedonsomebusiness.''ByUriah,'saidAgnes.
'Yes;andthesenseofbeingunfitforit,orofnothavingunderstoodit,orofhavingshownhisconditioninspiteofhimself,seemstomakehimsouneasy,thatnextdayheisworse,andnextdayworse,andsohebecomesjadedandhaggard.DonotbealarmedbywhatIsay,Agnes,butinthisstateIsawhim,onlytheotherevening,laydownhisheaduponhisdesk,andshedtearslikeachild.'HerhandpassedsoftlybeforemylipswhileIwasyetspeaking,andinamomentshehadmetherfatheratthedooroftheroom,andwashangingonhisshoulder.Theexpressionofherface,astheybothlookedtowardsme,Ifelttobeverytouching.Therewassuchdeepfondnessforhim,andgratitudetohimforallhisloveandcare,inherbeautifullook;andtherewassuchaferventappealtometodealtenderlybyhim,eveninmyinmostthoughts,andtoletnoharshconstructionfindanyplaceagainsthim;shewas,atonce,soproudofhimanddevotedtohim,yetsocompassionateandsorry,andsoreliantuponmetobeso,too;thatnothingshecouldhavesaidwouldhaveexpressedmoretome,ormovedmemore.WeweretodrinkteaattheDoctor's.Wewentthereattheusualhour;androundthestudyfiresidefoundtheDoctor,andhisyoung
wife,andhermother.TheDoctor,whomadeasmuchofmygoingawayasifIweregoingtoChina,receivedmeasanhonouredguest;andcalledforalogofwoodtobethrownonthefire,thathemightseethefaceofhisoldpupilreddeningintheblaze.'IshallnotseemanymorenewfacesinTrotwood'sstead,Wickfield,'saidtheDoctor,warminghishands;'Iamgettinglazy,andwantease.Ishallrelinquishallmyyoungpeopleinanothersixmonths,andleadaquieterlife.''Youhavesaidso,anytimethesetenyears,Doctor,'Mr.Wickfieldanswered.'ButnowImeantodoit,'returnedtheDoctor.'Myfirstmasterwillsucceedme-Iaminearnestatlast-soyou'llsoonhavetoarrangeourcontracts,andtobindusfirmlytothem,likeacoupleofknaves.''Andtotakecare,'saidMr.Wickfield,'thatyou'renotimposedon,eh?Asyoucertainlywouldbe,inanycontractyoushouldmakeforyourself.Well!Iamready.Thereareworsetasksthanthat,inmycalling.'
'Ishallhavenothingtothinkofthen,'saidtheDoctor,withasmile,'butmyDictionary;andthisothercontract-bargain-Annie.'AsMr.Wickfieldglancedtowardsher,sittingattheteatablebyAgnes,sheseemedtometoavoidhislookwithsuchunwontedhesitationandtimidity,thathisattentionbecamefixeduponher,asifsomethingweresuggestedtohisthoughts.'ThereisapostcomeinfromIndia,Iobserve,'hesaid,afterashortsilence.'Bytheby!andlettersfromMr.JackMaldon!'saidtheDoctor.'Indeed!''PoordearJack!'saidMrs.Markleham,shakingherhead.'Thattryingclimate!-likeliving,theytellme,onasand-heap,underneathaburning-glass!Helookedstrong,buthewasn't.MydearDoctor,itwashisspirit,nothisconstitution,thatheventuredonsoboldly.Annie,mydear,Iamsureyoumustperfectlyrecollectthatyourcousinneverwasstrong-notwhatcanbecalledROBUST,youknow,'saidMrs.Markleham,withemphasis,andlookingrounduponusgenerally,'-fromthetime
whenmydaughterandhimselfwerechildrentogether,andwalkingabout,arm-in-arm,thelivelongday.'Annie,thusaddressed,madenoreply.'DoIgatherfromwhatyousay,ma'am,thatMr.Maldonisill?'askedMr.Wickfield.'Ill!'repliedtheOldSoldier.'Mydearsir,he'sallsortsofthings.''Exceptwell?'saidMr.Wickfield.'Exceptwell,indeed!'saidtheOldSoldier.'Hehashaddreadfulstrokesofthesun,nodoubt,andjunglefeversandagues,andeverykindofthingyoucanmention.Astohisliver,'saidtheOldSoldierresignedly,'that,ofcourse,hegaveupaltogether,whenhefirstwentout!''Doeshesayallthis?'askedMr.Wickfield.'Say?Mydearsir,'returnedMrs.Markleham,shakingherheadandherfan,'youlittleknowmypoorJackMaldonwhenyouaskthat
question.Say?Nothe.Youmightdraghimattheheelsoffourwildhorsesfirst.''Mama!'saidMrs.Strong.'Annie,mydear,'returnedhermother,'onceforall,Imustreallybegthatyouwillnotinterferewithme,unlessitistoconfirmwhatIsay.YouknowaswellasIdothatyourcousinMaldonwouldbedraggedattheheelsofanynumberofwildhorses-whyshouldIconfinemyselftofour!IWON'Tconfinemyselftofour-eight,sixteen,two-and-thirty,ratherthansayanythingcalculatedtooverturntheDoctor'splans.''Wickfield'splans,'saidtheDoctor,strokinghisface,andlookingpenitentlyathisadviser.'Thatistosay,ourjointplansforhim.Isaidmyself,abroadorathome.''AndIsaid'addedMr.Wickfieldgravely,'abroad.Iwasthemeansofsendinghimabroad.It'smyresponsibility.''Oh!Responsibility!'saidtheOldSoldier.'Everythingwasdoneforthebest,mydearMr.Wickfield;everythingwasdoneforthekindestandbest,weknow.Butifthedearfellowcan'tlive
there,hecan'tlivethere.Andifhecan'tlivethere,he'lldiethere,soonerthanhe'lloverturntheDoctor'splans.Iknowhim,'saidtheOldSoldier,fanningherself,inasortofcalmpropheticagony,'andIknowhe'lldiethere,soonerthanhe'lloverturntheDoctor'splans.''Well,well,ma'am,'saidtheDoctorcheerfully,'Iamnotbigotedtomyplans,andIcanoverturnthemmyself.Icansubstitutesomeotherplans.IfMr.JackMaldoncomeshomeonaccountofillhealth,hemustnotbeallowedtogoback,andwemustendeavourtomakesomemoresuitableandfortunateprovisionforhiminthiscountry.'Mrs.Marklehamwassoovercomebythisgenerousspeech-which,Ineednotsay,shehadnotatallexpectedorledupto-thatshecouldonlytelltheDoctoritwaslikehimself,andgoseveraltimesthroughthatoperationofkissingthesticksofherfan,andthentappinghishandwithit.AfterwhichshegentlychidherdaughterAnnie,fornotbeingmoredemonstrativewhensuchkindnesseswereshowered,forhersake,onheroldplayfellow;andentertaineduswithsomeparticularsconcerningotherdeservingmembersofherfamily,whomitwasdesirabletosetontheirdeservinglegs.
Allthistime,herdaughterAnnieneveroncespoke,orlifteduphereyes.Allthistime,Mr.Wickfieldhadhisglanceuponherasshesatbyhisowndaughter'sside.Itappearedtomethatheneverthoughtofbeingobservedbyanyone;butwassointentuponher,anduponhisownthoughtsinconnexionwithher,astobequiteabsorbed.HenowaskedwhatMr.JackMaldonhadactuallywritteninreferencetohimself,andtowhomhehadwritten?'Why,here,'saidMrs.Markleham,takingaletterfromthechimney-pieceabovetheDoctor'shead,'thedearfellowsaystotheDoctorhimself-whereisit?Oh!-"Iamsorrytoinformyouthatmyhealthissufferingseverely,andthatIfearImaybereducedtothenecessityofreturninghomeforatime,astheonlyhopeofrestoration."That'sprettyplain,poorfellow!Hisonlyhopeofrestoration!ButAnnie'sletterisplainerstill.Annie,showmethatletteragain.''Notnow,mama,'shepleadedinalowtone.'Mydear,youabsolutelyare,onsomesubjects,oneofthemostridiculouspersonsintheworld,'returnedhermother,'andperhapsthemostunnaturaltotheclaimsofyourownfamily.Wenever
shouldhaveheardoftheletteratall,Ibelieve,unlessIhadaskedforitmyself.Doyoucallthatconfidence,mylove,towardsDoctorStrong?Iamsurprised.Yououghttoknowbetter.'Theletterwasreluctantlyproduced;andasIhandedittotheoldlady,IsawhowtheunwillinghandfromwhichItookit,trembled.'Nowletussee,'saidMrs.Markleham,puttingherglasstohereye,'wherethepassageis."Theremembranceofoldtimes,mydearestAnnie"-andsoforth-it'snotthere."TheamiableoldProctor"-who'she?Dearme,Annie,howillegiblyyourcousinMaldonwrites,andhowstupidIam!"Doctor,"ofcourse.Ah!amiableindeed!'Heresheleftoff,tokissherfanagain,andshakeitattheDoctor,whowaslookingatusinastateofplacidsatisfaction.'NowIhavefoundit."Youmaynotbesurprisedtohear,Annie,"-no,tobesure,knowingthatheneverwasreallystrong;whatdidIsayjustnow?-"thatIhaveundergonesomuchinthisdistantplace,astohavedecidedtoleaveitatallhazards;onsickleave,ifIcan;ontotalresignation,ifthatisnottobeobtained.WhatIhaveendured,anddoendurehere,isinsupportable."Andbutforthepromptitudeofthatbestofcreatures,'saidMrs.Markleham,telegraphingtheDoctorasbefore,andrefoldingtheletter,'itwouldbeinsupportabletometothink
of.'Mr.Wickfieldsaidnotoneword,thoughtheoldladylookedtohimasifforhiscommentaryonthisintelligence;butsatseverelysilent,withhiseyesfixedontheground.Longafterthesubjectwasdismissed,andothertopicsoccupiedus,heremainedso;seldomraisinghiseyes,unlesstorestthemforamoment,withathoughtfulfrown,upontheDoctor,orhiswife,orboth.TheDoctorwasveryfondofmusic.Agnessangwithgreatsweetnessandexpression,andsodidMrs.Strong.Theysangtogether,andplayedduetstogether,andwehadquitealittleconcert.ButIremarkedtwothings:first,thatthoughAnniesoonrecoveredhercomposure,andwasquiteherself,therewasablankbetweenherandMr.Wickfieldwhichseparatedthemwhollyfromeachother;secondly,thatMr.WickfieldseemedtodisliketheintimacybetweenherandAgnes,andtowatchitwithuneasiness.Andnow,Imustconfess,therecollectionofwhatIhadseenonthatnightwhenMr.Maldonwentaway,firstbegantoreturnuponmewithameaningithadneverhad,andtotroubleme.Theinnocentbeautyofherfacewasnotasinnocenttomeasithadbeen;Imistrustedthenaturalgraceandcharmofhermanner;andwhenIlookedatAgnesbyherside,andthoughthowgoodandtrueAgneswas,suspicionsarose
withinmethatitwasanill-assortedfriendship.Shewassohappyinitherself,however,andtheotherwassohappytoo,thattheymadetheeveningflyawayasifitwerebutanhour.ItclosedinanincidentwhichIwellremember.Theyweretakingleaveofeachother,andAgneswasgoingtoembraceherandkissher,whenMr.Wickfieldsteppedbetweenthem,asifbyaccident,anddrewAgnesquicklyaway.ThenIsaw,asthoughalltheinterveningtimehadbeencancelled,andIwerestillstandinginthedoorwayonthenightofthedeparture,theexpressionofthatnightinthefaceofMrs.Strong,asitconfrontedhis.Icannotsaywhatanimpressionthismadeuponme,orhowimpossibleIfoundit,whenIthoughtofherafterwards,toseparateherfromthislook,andrememberherfaceinitsinnocentlovelinessagain.IthauntedmewhenIgothome.IseemedtohavelefttheDoctor'sroofwithadarkcloudloweringonit.ThereverencethatIhadforhisgreyhead,wasmingledwithcommiserationforhisfaithinthosewhoweretreacheroustohim,andwithresentmentagainstthosewhoinjuredhim.Theimpendingshadowofagreataffliction,andagreatdisgracethathadnodistinctforminityet,felllikeastainuponthequietplacewhereIhadworkedandplayedasaboy,anddiditacruelwrong.
Ihadnopleasureinthinking,anymore,ofthegraveoldbroad-leavedaloe-trees,whichremainedshutupinthemselvesahundredyearstogether,andofthetrimsmoothgrass-plot,andthestoneurns,andtheDoctor'swalk,andthecongenialsoundoftheCathedralbellhoveringabovethemall.Itwasasifthetranquilsanctuaryofmyboyhoodhadbeensackedbeforemyface,anditspeaceandhonourgiventothewinds.Butmorningbroughtwithitmypartingfromtheoldhouse,whichAgneshadfilledwithherinfluence;andthatoccupiedmymindsufficiently.Ishouldbethereagainsoon,nodoubt;Imightsleepagain-perhapsoften-inmyoldroom;butthedaysofmyinhabitingthereweregone,andtheoldtimewaspast.IwasheavieratheartwhenIpackedupsuchofmybooksandclothesasstillremainedtheretobesenttoDover,thanIcaredtoshowtoUriahHeep;whowassoofficioustohelpme,thatIuncharitablythoughthimmightygladthatIwasgoing.IgotawayfromAgnesandherfather,somehow,withanindifferentshowofbeingverymanly,andtookmyseatupontheboxoftheLondoncoach.Iwassosoftenedandforgiving,goingthroughthetown,thatIhadhalfamindtonodtomyoldenemythebutcher,andthrowhimfiveshillingstodrink.Buthelookedsuchavery
obduratebutcherashestoodscrapingthegreatblockintheshop,andmoreover,hisappearancewassolittleimprovedbythelossofafronttoothwhichIhadknockedout,thatIthoughtitbesttomakenoadvances.Themainobjectonmymind,Iremember,whenwegotfairlyontheroad,wastoappearasoldaspossibletothecoachman,andtospeakextremelygruff.ThelatterpointIachievedatgreatpersonalinconvenience;butIstucktoit,becauseIfeltitwasagrown-upsortofthing.'Youaregoingthrough,sir?'saidthecoachman.'Yes,William,'Isaid,condescendingly(Iknewhim);'IamgoingtoLondon.IshallgodownintoSuffolkafterwards.''Shooting,sir?'saidthecoachman.HeknewaswellasIdidthatitwasjustaslikely,atthattimeofyear,Iwasgoingdowntherewhaling;butIfeltcomplimented,too.'Idon'tknow,'Isaid,pretendingtobeundecided,'whetherI
shalltakeashotornot.''Birdsisgotweryshy,I'mtold,'saidWilliam.'SoIunderstand,'saidI.'IsSuffolkyourcounty,sir?'askedWilliam.'Yes,'Isaid,withsomeimportance.'Suffolk'smycounty.''I'mtoldthedumplingsisuncommonfinedownthere,'saidWilliam.Iwasnotawareofitmyself,butIfeltitnecessarytoupholdtheinstitutionsofmycounty,andtoevinceafamiliaritywiththem;soIshookmyhead,asmuchastosay,'Ibelieveyou!''AndthePunches,'saidWilliam.'There'scattle!ASuffolkPunch,whenhe'sagoodun,isworthhisweightingold.DidyoueverbreedanySuffolkPunchesyourself,sir?''N-no,'Isaid,'notexactly.''Here'sagen'lm'nbehindme,I'llpoundit,'saidWilliam,'ashasbred'embywholesale.'
Thegentlemanspokenofwasagentlemanwithaveryunpromisingsquint,andaprominentchin,whohadatallwhitehatonwithanarrowflatbrim,andwhoseclose-fittingdrabtrousersseemedtobuttonallthewayupoutsidehislegsfromhisbootstohiships.Hischinwascockedoverthecoachman'sshoulder,soneartome,thathisbreathquitetickledthebackofmyhead;andasIlookedathim,heleeredattheleaderswiththeeyewithwhichhedidn'tsquint,inaveryknowingmanner.'Ain'tyou?'askedWilliam.'Ain'tIwhat?'saidthegentlemanbehind.'BredthemSuffolkPunchesbywholesale?''Ishouldthinkso,'saidthegentleman.'Thereain'tnosortoforsethatIain'tbred,andnosortofdorg.Orsesanddorgsissomemen'sfancy.They'rewittlesanddrinktome-lodging,wife,andchildren-reading,writing,andArithmetic-snuff,tobacker,andsleep.''Thatain'tasortofmantoseesittingbehindacoach-box,isit
though?'saidWilliaminmyear,ashehandledthereins.Iconstruedthisremarkintoanindicationofawishthatheshouldhavemyplace,soIblushinglyofferedtoresignit.'Well,ifyoudon'tmind,sir,'saidWilliam,'Ithinkitwouldbemorecorrect.'IhavealwaysconsideredthisasthefirstfallIhadinlife.WhenIbookedmyplaceatthecoachofficeIhadhad'BoxSeat'writtenagainsttheentry,andhadgiventhebook-keeperhalf-a-crown.Iwasgotupinaspecialgreat-coatandshawl,expresslytodohonourtothatdistinguishedeminence;hadglorifiedmyselfuponitagooddeal;andhadfeltthatIwasacredittothecoach.Andhere,intheveryfirststage,Iwassupplantedbyashabbymanwithasquint,whohadnoothermeritthansmellinglikealivery-stables,andbeingabletowalkacrossme,morelikeaflythanahumanbeing,whilethehorseswereatacanter!Adistrustofmyself,whichhasoftenbesetmeinlifeonsmalloccasions,whenitwouldhavebeenbetteraway,wasassuredlynotstoppedinitsgrowthbythislittleincidentoutsidethe
Canterburycoach.Itwasinvaintotakerefugeingruffnessofspeech.Ispokefromthepitofmystomachfortherestofthejourney,butIfeltcompletelyextinguished,anddreadfullyyoung.Itwascuriousandinteresting,nevertheless,tobesittinguptherebehindfourhorses:welleducated,welldressed,andwithplentyofmoneyinmypocket;andtolookoutfortheplaceswhereIhadsleptonmywearyjourney.Ihadabundantoccupationformythoughts,ineveryconspicuouslandmarkontheroad.WhenIlookeddownatthetramperswhomwepassed,andsawthatwell-rememberedstyleoffaceturnedup,Ifeltasifthetinker'sblackenedhandwereinthebosomofmyshirtagain.WhenweclatteredthroughthenarrowstreetofChatham,andIcaughtaglimpse,inpassing,ofthelanewheretheoldmonsterlivedwhohadboughtmyjacket,IstretchedmyneckeagerlytolookfortheplacewhereIhadsat,inthesunandintheshade,waitingformymoney.Whenwecame,atlast,withinastageofLondon,andpassedtheveritableSalemHousewhereMr.Creaklehadlaidabouthimwithaheavyhand,IwouldhavegivenallIhad,forlawfulpermissiontogetdownandthrashhim,andletalltheboysoutlikesomanycagedsparrows.WewenttotheGoldenCrossatCharingCross,thenamouldysortofestablishmentinacloseneighbourhood.Awaitershowedmeinto
thecoffee-room;andachambermaidintroducedmetomysmallbedchamber,whichsmeltlikeahackney-coach,andwasshutuplikeafamilyvault.Iwasstillpainfullyconsciousofmyyouth,fornobodystoodinanyaweofmeatall:thechambermaidbeingutterlyindifferenttomyopinionsonanysubject,andthewaiterbeingfamiliarwithme,andofferingadvicetomyinexperience.'Wellnow,'saidthewaiter,inatoneofconfidence,'whatwouldyoulikefordinner?Younggentlemenlikespoultryingeneral:haveafowl!'Itoldhim,asmajesticallyasIcould,thatIwasn'tinthehumourforafowl.'Ain'tyou?'saidthewaiter.'Younggentlemenisgenerallytiredofbeefandmutton:haveawealcutlet!'Iassentedtothisproposal,indefaultofbeingabletosuggestanythingelse.'Doyoucarefortaters?'saidthewaiter,withaninsinuatingsmile,andhisheadononeside.'Younggentlemengenerallyhasbeenoverdosedwithtaters.'
Icommandedhim,inmydeepestvoice,toorderavealcutletandpotatoes,andallthingsfitting;andtoinquireatthebariftherewereanylettersforTrotwoodCopperfield,Esquire-whichIknewtherewerenot,andcouldn'tbe,butthoughtitmanlytoappeartoexpect.Hesooncamebacktosaythattherewerenone(atwhichIwasmuchsurprised)andbegantolaytheclothformydinnerinaboxbythefire.Whilehewassoengaged,heaskedmewhatIwouldtakewithit;andonmyreplying'Halfapintofsherry,'thoughtitafavourableopportunity,Iamafraid,toextractthatmeasureofwinefromthestaleleavingsatthebottomsofseveralsmalldecanters.Iamofthisopinion,because,whileIwasreadingthenewspaper,Iobservedhimbehindalowwoodenpartition,whichwashisprivateapartment,verybusypouringoutofanumberofthosevesselsintoone,likeachemistanddruggistmakingupaprescription.Whenthewinecame,too,Ithoughtitflat;anditcertainlyhadmoreEnglishcrumbsinit,thanweretobeexpectedinaforeignwineinanythinglikeapurestate,butIwasbashfulenoughtodrinkit,andsaynothing.Beingtheninapleasantframeofmind(fromwhichIinferthat
poisoningisnotalwaysdisagreeableinsomestagesoftheprocess),Iresolvedtogototheplay.ItwasCoventGardenTheatrethatIchose;andthere,fromthebackofacentrebox,IsawJuliusCaesarandthenewPantomime.TohaveallthosenobleRomansalivebeforeme,andwalkinginandoutformyentertainment,insteadofbeingthesterntaskmasterstheyhadbeenatschool,wasamostnovelanddelightfuleffect.Butthemingledrealityandmysteryofthewholeshow,theinfluenceuponmeofthepoetry,thelights,themusic,thecompany,thesmoothstupendouschangesofglitteringandbrilliantscenery,weresodazzling,andopenedupsuchillimitableregionsofdelight,thatwhenIcameoutintotherainystreet,attwelveo'clockatnight,IfeltasifIhadcomefromtheclouds,whereIhadbeenleadingaromanticlifeforages,toabawling,splashing,link-lighted,umbrella-struggling,hackney-coach-jostling,patten-clinking,muddy,miserableworld.Ihademergedbyanotherdoor,andstoodinthestreetforalittlewhile,asifIreallywereastrangeruponearth:buttheunceremoniouspushingandhustlingthatIreceived,soonrecalledmetomyself,andputmeintheroadbacktothehotel;whitherIwent,revolvingthegloriousvisionalltheway;andwhere,aftersomeporterandoysters,Isatrevolvingitstill,atpastone
o'clock,withmyeyesonthecoffee-roomfire.Iwassofilledwiththeplay,andwiththepast-foritwas,inamanner,likeashiningtransparency,throughwhichIsawmyearlierlifemovingalong-thatIdon'tknowwhenthefigureofahandsomewell-formedyoungmandressedwithatastefuleasynegligencewhichIhavereasontorememberverywell,becamearealpresencetome.ButIrecollectbeingconsciousofhiscompanywithouthavingnoticedhiscomingin-andmystillsitting,musing,overthecoffee-roomfire.AtlastIrosetogotobed,muchtothereliefofthesleepywaiter,whohadgotthefidgetsinhislegs,andwastwistingthem,andhittingthem,andputtingthemthroughallkindsofcontortionsinhissmallpantry.Ingoingtowardsthedoor,Ipassedthepersonwhohadcomein,andsawhimplainly.Iturneddirectly,cameback,andlookedagain.Hedidnotknowme,butIknewhiminamoment.AtanothertimeImighthavewantedtheconfidenceorthedecisiontospeaktohim,andmighthaveputitoffuntilnextday,andmighthavelosthim.But,inthethenconditionofmymind,wheretheplaywasstillrunninghigh,hisformerprotectionofme
appearedsodeservingofmygratitude,andmyoldloveforhimoverflowedmybreastsofreshlyandspontaneously,thatIwentuptohimatonce,withafast-beatingheart,andsaid:'Steerforth!won'tyouspeaktome?'Helookedatme-justasheusedtolook,sometimes-butIsawnorecognitioninhisface.'Youdon'trememberme,Iamafraid,'saidI.'MyGod!'hesuddenlyexclaimed.'It'slittleCopperfield!'Igraspedhimbybothhands,andcouldnotletthemgo.Butforveryshame,andthefearthatitmightdispleasehim,Icouldhaveheldhimroundtheneckandcried.'Inever,never,neverwassoglad!MydearSteerforth,Iamsooverjoyedtoseeyou!''AndIamrejoicedtoseeyou,too!'hesaid,shakingmyhandsheartily.'Why,Copperfield,oldboy,don'tbeoverpowered!'Andyethewasglad,too,Ithought,toseehowthedelightIhadin
meetinghimaffectedme.Ibrushedawaythetearsthatmyutmostresolutionhadnotbeenabletokeepback,andImadeaclumsylaughofit,andwesatdowntogether,sidebyside.'Why,howdoyoucometobehere?'saidSteerforth,clappingmeontheshoulder.'IcameherebytheCanterburycoach,today.Ihavebeenadoptedbyanauntdowninthatpartofthecountry,andhavejustfinishedmyeducationthere.HowdoYOUcometobehere,Steerforth?''Well,IamwhattheycallanOxfordman,'hereturned;'thatistosay,Igetboredtodeathdownthere,periodically-andIamonmywaynowtomymother's.You'readevilishamiable-lookingfellow,Copperfield.justwhatyouusedtobe,nowIlookatyou!Notalteredintheleast!''Iknewyouimmediately,'Isaid;'butyouaremoreeasilyremembered.'Helaughedasheranhishandthroughtheclusteringcurlsofhis
hair,andsaidgaily:'Yes,Iamonanexpeditionofduty.Mymotherlivesalittlewayoutoftown;andtheroadsbeinginabeastlycondition,andourhousetediousenough,Iremainedheretonightinsteadofgoingon.Ihavenotbeenintownhalf-a-dozenhours,andthoseIhavebeendozingandgrumblingawayattheplay.''Ihavebeenattheplay,too,'saidI.'AtCoventGarden.Whatadelightfulandmagnificententertainment,Steerforth!'Steerforthlaughedheartily.'MydearyoungDavy,'hesaid,clappingmeontheshoulderagain,'youareaveryDaisy.Thedaisyofthefield,atsunrise,isnotfresherthanyouare.IhavebeenatCoventGarden,too,andthereneverwasamoremiserablebusiness.Holloa,yousir!'Thiswasaddressedtothewaiter,whohadbeenveryattentivetoourrecognition,atadistance,andnowcameforwarddeferentially.'Wherehaveyouputmyfriend,Mr.Copperfield?'saidSteerforth.
'Begyourpardon,sir?''Wheredoeshesleep?What'shisnumber?YouknowwhatImean,'saidSteerforth.'Well,sir,'saidthewaiter,withanapologeticair.'Mr.Copperfieldisatpresentinforty-four,sir.''Andwhatthedevildoyoumean,'retortedSteerforth,'byputtingMr.Copperfieldintoalittleloftoverastable?''Why,youseewewasn'taware,sir,'returnedthewaiter,stillapologetically,'asMr.Copperfieldwasanywaysparticular.WecangiveMr.Copperfieldseventy-two,sir,ifitwouldbepreferred.Nextyou,sir.''Ofcourseitwouldbepreferred,'saidSteerforth.'Anddoitatonce.'Thewaiterimmediatelywithdrewtomaketheexchange.Steerforth,verymuchamusedatmyhavingbeenputintoforty-four,laughedagain,andclappedmeontheshoulderagain,andinvitedmetobreakfastwithhimnextmorningatteno'clock-aninvitationIwasonlytooproudandhappytoaccept.Itbeingnowprettylate,
wetookourcandlesandwentupstairs,wherewepartedwithfriendlyheartinessathisdoor,andwhereIfoundmynewroomagreatimprovementonmyoldone,itnotbeingatallmusty,andhavinganimmensefour-postbedsteadinit,whichwasquitealittlelandedestate.Here,amongpillowsenoughforsix,Isoonfellasleepinablissfulcondition,anddreamedofancientRome,Steerforth,andfriendship,untiltheearlymorningcoaches,rumblingoutofthearchwayunderneath,mademedreamofthunderandthegods.CHAPTER20STEERFORTH'SHOMEWhenthechambermaidtappedatmydoorateighto'clock,andinformedmethatmyshaving-waterwasoutside,Ifeltseverelythehavingnooccasionforit,andblushedinmybed.Thesuspicionthatshelaughedtoo,whenshesaidit,preyeduponmymindallthetimeIwasdressing;andgaveme,Iwasconscious,asneakingandguiltyairwhenIpassedheronthestaircase,asIwasgoingdowntobreakfast.Iwassosensitivelyaware,indeed,ofbeingyoungerthanIcouldhavewished,thatforsometimeIcouldnotmakeupmy
mindtopassheratall,undertheignoblecircumstancesofthecase;but,hearinghertherewithabroom,stoodpeepingoutofwindowatKingCharlesonhorseback,surroundedbyamazeofhackney-coaches,andlookinganythingbutregalinadrizzlingrainandadark-brownfog,untilIwasadmonishedbythewaiterthatthegentlemanwaswaitingforme.Itwasnotinthecoffee-roomthatIfoundSteerforthexpectingme,butinasnugprivateapartment,red-curtainedandTurkey-carpeted,wherethefireburntbright,andafinehotbreakfastwassetforthonatablecoveredwithacleancloth;andacheerfulminiatureoftheroom,thefire,thebreakfast,Steerforth,andall,wasshininginthelittleroundmirroroverthesideboard.Iwasratherbashfulatfirst,Steerforthbeingsoself-possessed,andelegant,andsuperiortomeinallrespects(ageincluded);buthiseasypatronagesoonputthattorights,andmademequiteathome.IcouldnotenoughadmirethechangehehadwroughtintheGoldenCross;orcomparethedullforlornstateIhadheldyesterday,withthismorning'scomfortandthismorning'sentertainment.Astothewaiter'sfamiliarity,itwasquenchedasifithadneverbeen.Heattendedonus,asImaysay,insackclothandashes.'Now,Copperfield,'saidSteerforth,whenwewerealone,'Ishould
liketohearwhatyouaredoing,andwhereyouaregoing,andallaboutyou.Ifeelasifyouweremyproperty.'Glowingwithpleasuretofindthathehadstillthisinterestinme,ItoldhimhowmyaunthadproposedthelittleexpeditionthatIhadbeforeme,andwhitherittended.'Asyouareinnohurry,then,'saidSteerforth,'comehomewithmetoHighgate,andstayadayortwo.Youwillbepleasedwithmymother-sheisalittlevainandprosyaboutme,butthatyoucanforgiveher-andshewillbepleasedwithyou.''Ishouldliketobeassureofthat,asyouarekindenoughtosayyouare,'Ianswered,smiling.'Oh!'saidSteerforth,'everyonewholikesme,hasaclaimonherthatissuretobeacknowledged.''ThenIthinkIshallbeafavourite,'saidI.'Good!'saidSteerforth.'Comeandproveit.Wewillgoandseethelionsforanhourortwo-it'ssomethingtohaveafreshfellowlikeyoutoshowthemto,Copperfield-andthenwe'lljourneyouttoHighgatebythecoach.'
IcouldhardlybelievebutthatIwasinadream,andthatIshouldwakepresentlyinnumberforty-four,tothesolitaryboxinthecoffee-roomandthefamiliarwaiteragain.AfterIhadwrittentomyauntandtoldherofmyfortunatemeetingwithmyadmiredoldschoolfellow,andmyacceptanceofhisinvitation,wewentoutinahackney-chariot,andsawaPanoramaandsomeothersights,andtookawalkthroughtheMuseum,whereIcouldnothelpobservinghowmuchSteerforthknew,onaninfinitevarietyofsubjects,andofhowlittleaccountheseemedtomakehisknowledge.'You'lltakeahighdegreeatcollege,Steerforth,'saidI,'ifyouhavenotdonesoalready;andtheywillhavegoodreasontobeproudofyou.''Itakeadegree!'criedSteerforth.'NotI!mydearDaisy-willyoumindmycallingyouDaisy?''Notatall!'saidI.'That'sagoodfellow!MydearDaisy,'saidSteerforth,laughing.'Ihavenottheleastdesireorintentiontodistinguishmyselfinthatway.Ihavedonequitesufficientformypurpose.Ifind
thatIamheavycompanyenoughformyselfasIam.''Butthefame-'Iwasbeginning.'YouromanticDaisy!'saidSteerforth,laughingstillmoreheartily:'whyshouldItroublemyself,thataparcelofheavy-headedfellowsmaygapeandholduptheirhands?Letthemdoitatsomeotherman.There'sfameforhim,andhe'swelcometoit.'Iwasabashedathavingmadesogreatamistake,andwasgladtochangethesubject.Fortunatelyitwasnotdifficulttodo,forSteerforthcouldalwayspassfromonesubjecttoanotherwithacarelessnessandlightnessthatwerehisown.Lunchsucceededtooursight-seeing,andtheshortwinterdayworeawaysofast,thatitwasduskwhenthestage-coachstoppedwithusatanoldbrickhouseatHighgateonthesummitofthehill.Anelderlylady,thoughnotveryfaradvancedinyears,withaproudcarriageandahandsomeface,wasinthedoorwayaswealighted;andgreetingSteerforthas'MydearestJames,'foldedhiminherarms.Tothisladyhepresentedmeashismother,andshegavemeastatelywelcome.
Itwasagenteelold-fashionedhouse,veryquietandorderly.FromthewindowsofmyroomIsawallLondonlyinginthedistancelikeagreatvapour,withhereandtheresomelightstwinklingthroughit.Ihadonlytime,indressing,toglanceatthesolidfurniture,theframedpiecesofwork(done,Isupposed,bySteerforth'smotherwhenshewasagirl),andsomepicturesincrayonsofladieswithpowderedhairandbodices,comingandgoingonthewalls,asthenewly-kindledfirecrackledandsputtered,whenIwascalledtodinner.Therewasasecondladyinthedining-room,ofaslightshortfigure,dark,andnotagreeabletolookat,butwithsomeappearanceofgoodlookstoo,whoattractedmyattention:perhapsbecauseIhadnotexpectedtoseeher;perhapsbecauseIfoundmyselfsittingoppositetoher;perhapsbecauseofsomethingreallyremarkableinher.Shehadblackhairandeagerblackeyes,andwasthin,andhadascaruponherlip.Itwasanoldscar-Ishouldrathercallitseam,foritwasnotdiscoloured,andhadhealedyearsago-whichhadoncecutthroughhermouth,downwardtowardsthechin,butwasnowbarelyvisibleacrossthetable,exceptaboveandonherupperlip,theshapeofwhichithadaltered.Iconcludedinmyownmindthatshewasaboutthirty
yearsofage,andthatshewishedtobemarried.Shewasalittledilapidated-likeahouse-withhavingbeensolongtolet;yethad,asIhavesaid,anappearanceofgoodlooks.Herthinnessseemedtobetheeffectofsomewastingfirewithinher,whichfoundaventinhergaunteyes.ShewasintroducedasMissDartle,andbothSteerforthandhismothercalledherRosa.Ifoundthatshelivedthere,andhadbeenforalongtimeMrs.Steerforth'scompanion.Itappearedtomethatsheneversaidanythingshewantedtosay,outright;buthintedit,andmadeagreatdealmoreofitbythispractice.Forexample,whenMrs.Steerforthobserved,moreinjestthanearnest,thatshefearedhersonledbutawildlifeatcollege,MissDartleputinthus:'Oh,really?YouknowhowignorantIam,andthatIonlyaskforinformation,butisn'titalwaysso?Ithoughtthatkindoflifewasonallhandsunderstoodtobe-eh?''Itiseducationforaverygraveprofession,ifyoumeanthat,Rosa,'Mrs.Steerforthansweredwithsomecoldness.'Oh!Yes!That'sverytrue,'returnedMissDartle.'Butisn'tit,though?-Iwanttobeputright,ifIamwrong-isn'tit,
really?''Reallywhat?'saidMrs.Steerforth.'Oh!Youmeanit'snot!'returnedMissDartle.'Well,I'mverygladtohearit!Now,Iknowwhattodo!That'stheadvantageofasking.Ishallneverallowpeopletotalkbeforemeaboutwastefulnessandprofligacy,andsoforth,inconnexionwiththatlife,anymore.''Andyouwillberight,'saidMrs.Steerforth.'Myson'stutorisaconscientiousgentleman;andifIhadnotimplicitrelianceonmyson,Ishouldhaverelianceonhim.''Shouldyou?'saidMissDartle.'Dearme!Conscientious,ishe?Reallyconscientious,now?''Yes,Iamconvincedofit,'saidMrs.Steerforth.'Howverynice!'exclaimedMissDartle.'Whatacomfort!Reallyconscientious?Thenhe'snot-butofcoursehecan'tbe,ifhe'sreallyconscientious.Well,Ishallbequitehappyinmyopinionofhim,fromthistime.Youcan'tthinkhowitelevateshiminmy
opinion,toknowforcertainthathe'sreallyconscientious!'Herownviewsofeveryquestion,andhercorrectionofeverythingthatwassaidtowhichshewasopposed,MissDartleinsinuatedinthesameway:sometimes,Icouldnotconcealfrommyself,withgreatpower,thoughincontradictionevenofSteerforth.Aninstancehappenedbeforedinnerwasdone.Mrs.SteerforthspeakingtomeaboutmyintentionofgoingdownintoSuffolk,IsaidathazardhowgladIshouldbe,ifSteerforthwouldonlygotherewithme;andexplainingtohimthatIwasgoingtoseemyoldnurse,andMr.Peggotty'sfamily,Iremindedhimoftheboatmanwhomhehadseenatschool.'Oh!Thatblufffellow!'saidSteerforth.'Hehadasonwithhim,hadn'the?''No.Thatwashisnephew,'Ireplied;'whomheadopted,though,asason.Hehasaveryprettylittleniecetoo,whomheadoptedasadaughter.Inshort,hishouse-orratherhisboat,forhelivesinone,ondryland-isfullofpeoplewhoareobjectsofhisgenerosityandkindness.Youwouldbedelightedtoseethathousehold.'
'ShouldI?'saidSteerforth.'Well,IthinkIshould.Imustseewhatcanbedone.Itwouldbeworthajourney(nottomentionthepleasureofajourneywithyou,Daisy),toseethatsortofpeopletogether,andtomakeoneof'em.'Myheartleapedwithanewhopeofpleasure.Butitwasinreferencetothetoneinwhichhehadspokenof'thatsortofpeople',thatMissDartle,whosesparklingeyeshadbeenwatchfulofus,nowbrokeinagain.'Oh,but,really?Dotellme.Arethey,though?'shesaid.'Aretheywhat?Andarewhowhat?'saidSteerforth.'Thatsortofpeople.-Aretheyreallyanimalsandclods,andbeingsofanotherorder?IwanttoknowSOmuch.''Why,there'saprettywideseparationbetweenthemandus,'saidSteerforth,withindifference.'Theyarenottobeexpectedtobeassensitiveasweare.Theirdelicacyisnottobeshocked,orhurteasily.Theyarewonderfullyvirtuous,Idaresay-somepeoplecontendforthat,atleast;andIamsureIdon'twanttocontradictthem-buttheyhavenotveryfinenatures,andtheymay
bethankfulthat,liketheircoarseroughskins,theyarenoteasilywounded.''Really!'saidMissDartle.'Well,Idon'tknow,now,whenIhavebeenbetterpleasedthantohearthat.It'ssoconsoling!It'ssuchadelighttoknowthat,whentheysuffer,theydon'tfeel!SometimesIhavebeenquiteuneasyforthatsortofpeople;butnowIshalljustdismisstheideaofthem,altogether.Liveandlearn.Ihadmydoubts,Iconfess,butnowthey'reclearedup.Ididn'tknow,andnowIdoknow,andthatshowstheadvantageofasking-don'tit?'IbelievedthatSteerforthhadsaidwhathehad,injest,ortodrawMissDartleout;andIexpectedhimtosayasmuchwhenshewasgone,andwetwoweresittingbeforethefire.ButhemerelyaskedmewhatIthoughtofher.'Sheisveryclever,isshenot?'Iasked.'Clever!Shebringseverythingtoagrindstone,'saidSteerforth,andsharpensit,asshehassharpenedherownfaceandfiguretheseyearspast.Shehaswornherselfawaybyconstantsharpening.Sheisalledge.'
'Whataremarkablescarthatisuponherlip!'Isaid.Steerforth'sfacefell,andhepausedamoment.'Why,thefactis,'hereturned,'Ididthat.''Byanunfortunateaccident!''No.Iwasayoungboy,andsheexasperatedme,andIthrewahammerather.ApromisingyoungangelImusthavebeen!'Iwasdeeplysorrytohavetouchedonsuchapainfultheme,butthatwasuselessnow.'Shehasbornethemarkeversince,asyousee,'saidSteerforth;'andshe'llbearittohergrave,ifsheeverrestsinone-thoughIcanhardlybelieveshewilleverrestanywhere.Shewasthemotherlesschildofasortofcousinofmyfather's.Hediedoneday.Mymother,whowasthenawidow,broughtherheretobecompanytoher.Shehasacoupleofthousandpoundsofherown,andsavestheinterestofiteveryyear,toaddtotheprincipal.There'sthehistoryofMissRosaDartleforyou.'
'AndIhavenodoubtshelovesyoulikeabrother?'saidI.'Humph!'retortedSteerforth,lookingatthefire.'Somebrothersarenotlovedovermuch;andsomelove-buthelpyourself,Copperfield!We'lldrinkthedaisiesofthefield,incomplimenttoyou;andtheliliesofthevalleythattoilnot,neitherdotheyspin,incomplimenttome-themoreshameforme!'Amoodysmilethathadoverspreadhisfeaturesclearedoffashesaidthismerrily,andhewashisownfrank,winningselfagain.Icouldnothelpglancingatthescarwithapainfulinterestwhenwewentintotea.ItwasnotlongbeforeIobservedthatitwasthemostsusceptiblepartofherface,andthat,whensheturnedpale,thatmarkalteredfirst,andbecameadull,lead-colouredstreak,lengtheningouttoitsfullextent,likeamarkininvisibleinkbroughttothefire.TherewasalittlealtercationbetweenherandSteerforthaboutacastofthediceatbackgammon-whenIthoughther,foronemoment,inastormofrage;andthenIsawitstartforthliketheoldwritingonthewall.ItwasnomatterofwondertometofindMrs.Steerforthdevotedtoherson.Sheseemedtobeabletospeakorthinkaboutnothingelse.Sheshowedmehispictureasaninfant,inalocket,with
someofhisbaby-hairinit;sheshowedmehispictureashehadbeenwhenIfirstknewhim;andsheworeatherbreasthispictureashewasnow.Allthelettershehadeverwrittentoher,shekeptinacabinetnearherownchairbythefire;andshewouldhavereadmesomeofthem,andIshouldhavebeenverygladtohearthemtoo,ifhehadnotinterposed,andcoaxedheroutofthedesign.'ItwasatMr.Creakle's,mysontellsme,thatyoufirstbecameacquainted,'saidMrs.Steerforth,assheandIweretalkingatonetable,whiletheyplayedbackgammonatanother.'Indeed,Irecollecthisspeaking,atthattime,ofapupilyoungerthanhimselfwhohadtakenhisfancythere;butyourname,asyoumaysuppose,hasnotlivedinmymemory.''Hewasverygenerousandnobletomeinthosedays,Iassureyou,ma'am,'saidI,'andIstoodinneedofsuchafriend.Ishouldhavebeenquitecrushedwithouthim.''Heisalwaysgenerousandnoble,'saidMrs.Steerforth,proudly.Isubscribedtothiswithallmyheart,Godknows.SheknewIdid;forthestatelinessofhermanneralreadyabatedtowardsme,except
whenshespokeinpraiseofhim,andthenherairwasalwayslofty.'Itwasnotafitschoolgenerallyformyson,'saidshe;'farfromit;buttherewereparticularcircumstancestobeconsideredatthetime,ofmoreimportanceeventhanthatselection.Myson'shighspiritmadeitdesirablethatheshouldbeplacedwithsomemanwhofeltitssuperiority,andwouldbecontenttobowhimselfbeforeit;andwefoundsuchamanthere.'Iknewthat,knowingthefellow.AndyetIdidnotdespisehimthemoreforit,butthoughtitaredeemingqualityinhimifhecouldbeallowedanygracefornotresistingonesoirresistibleasSteerforth.'Myson'sgreatcapacitywastemptedon,there,byafeelingofvoluntaryemulationandconsciouspride,'thefondladywentontosay.'Hewouldhaverisenagainstallconstraint;buthefoundhimselfthemonarchoftheplace,andhehaughtilydeterminedtobeworthyofhisstation.Itwaslikehimself.'Iechoed,withallmyheartandsoul,thatitwaslikehimself.'Somysontook,ofhisownwill,andonnocompulsion,tothe
courseinwhichhecanalways,whenitishispleasure,outstripeverycompetitor,'shepursued.'Mysoninformsme,Mr.Copperfield,thatyouwerequitedevotedtohim,andthatwhenyoumetyesterdayyoumadeyourselfknowntohimwithtearsofjoy.IshouldbeanaffectedwomanifImadeanypretenceofbeingsurprisedbymyson'sinspiringsuchemotions;butIcannotbeindifferenttoanyonewhoissosensibleofhismerit,andIamverygladtoseeyouhere,andcanassureyouthathefeelsanunusualfriendshipforyou,andthatyoumayrelyonhisprotection.'MissDartleplayedbackgammonaseagerlyasshedideverythingelse.IfIhadseenher,first,attheboard,Ishouldhavefanciedthatherfigurehadgotthin,andhereyeshadgotlarge,overthatpursuit,andnootherintheworld.ButIamverymuchmistakenifshemissedawordofthis,orlostalookofmineasIreceiveditwiththeutmostpleasure,andhonouredbyMrs.Steerforth'sconfidence,feltolderthanIhaddonesinceIleftCanterbury.Whentheeveningwasprettyfarspent,andatrayofglassesanddecanterscamein,Steerforthpromised,overthefire,thathewouldseriouslythinkofgoingdownintothecountrywithme.
Therewasnohurry,hesaid;aweekhencewoulddo;andhismotherhospitablysaidthesame.Whileweweretalking,hemorethanoncecalledmeDaisy;whichbroughtMissDartleoutagain.'Butreally,Mr.Copperfield,'sheasked,'isitanickname?Andwhydoeshegiveityou?Isit-eh?-becausehethinksyouyoungandinnocent?Iamsostupidinthesethings.'IcolouredinreplyingthatIbelieveditwas.'Oh!'saidMissDartle.'NowIamgladtoknowthat!Iaskforinformation,andIamgladtoknowit.Hethinksyouyoungandinnocent;andsoyouarehisfriend.Well,that'squitedelightful!'Shewenttobedsoonafterthis,andMrs.Steerforthretiredtoo.SteerforthandI,afterlingeringforhalf-an-houroverthefire,talkingaboutTraddlesandalltherestofthematoldSalemHouse,wentupstairstogether.Steerforth'sroomwasnexttomine,andIwentintolookatit.Itwasapictureofcomfort,fullofeasy-chairs,cushionsandfootstools,workedbyhismother'shand,andwithnosortofthingomittedthatcouldhelptorenderitcomplete.Finally,herhandsomefeatureslookeddownonher
darlingfromaportraitonthewall,asifitwereevensomethingtoherthatherlikenessshouldwatchhimwhileheslept.Ifoundthefireburningclearenoughinmyroombythistime,andthecurtainsdrawnbeforethewindowsandroundthebed,givingitaverysnugappearance.Isatdowninagreatchairuponthehearthtomeditateonmyhappiness;andhadenjoyedthecontemplationofitforsometime,whenIfoundalikenessofMissDartlelookingeagerlyatmefromabovethechimney-piece.Itwasastartlinglikeness,andnecessarilyhadastartlinglook.Thepainterhadn'tmadethescar,butImadeit;andthereitwas,comingandgoing;nowconfinedtotheupperlipasIhadseenitatdinner,andnowshowingthewholeextentofthewoundinflictedbythehammer,asIhadseenitwhenshewaspassionate.Iwonderedpeevishlywhytheycouldn'tputheranywhereelseinsteadofquarteringheronme.Togetridofher,Iundressedquickly,extinguishedmylight,andwenttobed.But,asIfellasleep,Icouldnotforgetthatshewasstilltherelooking,'Isitreally,though?Iwanttoknow';andwhenIawokeinthenight,IfoundthatIwasuneasilyaskingallsortsofpeopleinmydreamswhetheritreallywasornot-withoutknowingwhatImeant.
CHAPTER21LITTLEEM'LYTherewasaservantinthathouse,amanwho,Iunderstood,wasusuallywithSteerforth,andhadcomeintohisserviceattheUniversity,whowasinappearanceapatternofrespectability.Ibelievethereneverexistedinhisstationamorerespectable-lookingman.Hewastaciturn,soft-footed,veryquietinhismanner,deferential,observant,alwaysathandwhenwanted,andnevernearwhennotwanted;buthisgreatclaimtoconsiderationwashisrespectability.Hehadnotapliantface,hehadratherastiffneck,ratheratightsmoothheadwithshorthairclingingtoitatthesides,asoftwayofspeaking,withapeculiarhabitofwhisperingtheletterSsodistinctly,thatheseemedtouseitoftenerthananyotherman;buteverypeculiaritythathehadhemaderespectable.Ifhisnosehadbeenupside-down,hewouldhavemadethatrespectable.Hesurroundedhimselfwithanatmosphereofrespectability,andwalkedsecureinit.Itwouldhavebeennexttoimpossibletosuspecthimofanythingwrong,hewassothoroughlyrespectable.Nobodycouldhavethoughtof
puttinghiminalivery,hewassohighlyrespectable.Tohaveimposedanyderogatoryworkuponhim,wouldhavebeentoinflictawantoninsultonthefeelingsofamostrespectableman.Andofthis,Inoticed-thewomen-servantsinthehouseholdweresointuitivelyconscious,thattheyalwaysdidsuchworkthemselves,andgenerallywhilehereadthepaperbythepantryfire.Suchaself-containedmanIneversaw.Butinthatquality,asineveryotherhepossessed,heonlyseemedtobethemorerespectable.EventhefactthatnooneknewhisChristianname,seemedtoformapartofhisrespectability.Nothingcouldbeobjectedagainsthissurname,Littimer,bywhichhewasknown.Petermighthavebeenhanged,orTomtransported;butLittimerwasperfectlyrespectable.Itwasoccasioned,Isuppose,bythereverendnatureofrespectabilityintheabstract,butIfeltparticularlyyounginthisman'spresence.Howoldhewashimself,Icouldnotguess-andthatagainwenttohiscreditonthesamescore;forinthecalmnessofrespectabilityhemighthavenumberedfiftyyearsaswellasthirty.LittimerwasinmyroominthemorningbeforeIwasup,tobringme
thatreproachfulshaving-water,andtoputoutmyclothes.WhenIundrewthecurtainsandlookedoutofbed,Isawhim,inanequabletemperatureofrespectability,unaffectedbytheeastwindofJanuary,andnotevenbreathingfrostily,standingmybootsrightandleftinthefirstdancingposition,andblowingspecksofdustoffmycoatashelaiditdownlikeababy.Igavehimgoodmorning,andaskedhimwhato'clockitwas.Hetookoutofhispocketthemostrespectablehunting-watchIeversaw,andpreventingthespringwithhisthumbfromopeningfar,lookedinatthefaceasifhewereconsultinganoracularoyster,shutitupagain,andsaid,ifIpleased,itwashalfpasteight.'Mr.Steerforthwillbegladtohearhowyouhaverested,sir.''Thankyou,'saidI,'verywellindeed.IsMr.Steerforthquitewell?''Thankyou,sir,Mr.Steerforthistolerablywell.'Anotherofhischaracteristics-nouseofsuperlatives.Acoolcalmmediumalways.'IsthereanythingmoreIcanhavethehonourofdoingforyou,
sir?Thewarning-bellwillringatnine;thefamilytakebreakfastathalfpastnine.''Nothing,Ithankyou.''IthankYOU,sir,ifyouplease';andwiththat,andwithalittleinclinationofhisheadwhenhepassedthebed-side,asanapologyforcorrectingme,hewentout,shuttingthedoorasdelicatelyasifIhadjustfallenintoasweetsleeponwhichmylifedepended.Everymorningweheldexactlythisconversation:neveranymore,andneveranyless:andyet,invariably,howeverfarImighthavebeenliftedoutofmyselfover-night,andadvancedtowardsmatureryears,bySteerforth'scompanionship,orMrs.Steerforth'sconfidence,orMissDartle'sconversation,inthepresenceofthismostrespectablemanIbecame,asoursmallerpoetssing,'aboyagain'.Hegothorsesforus;andSteerforth,whokneweverything,gavemelessonsinriding.Heprovidedfoilsforus,andSteerforthgavemelessonsinfencing-gloves,andIbegan,ofthesamemaster,toimproveinboxing.ItgavemenomannerofconcernthatSteerforthshouldfindmeanoviceinthesesciences,butInevercouldbear
toshowmywantofskillbeforetherespectableLittimer.IhadnoreasontobelievethatLittimerunderstoodsuchartshimself;heneverledmetosupposeanythingofthekind,bysomuchasthevibrationofoneofhisrespectableeyelashes;yetwheneverhewasby,whilewewerepractising,Ifeltmyselfthegreenestandmostinexperiencedofmortals.Iamparticularaboutthisman,becausehemadeaparticulareffectonmeatthattime,andbecauseofwhattookplacethereafter.Theweekpassedawayinamostdelightfulmanner.Itpassedrapidly,asmaybesupposed,tooneentrancedasIwas;andyetitgavemesomanyoccasionsforknowingSteerforthbetter,andadmiringhimmoreinathousandrespects,thatatitscloseIseemedtohavebeenwithhimforamuchlongertime.Adashingwayhehadoftreatingmelikeaplaything,wasmoreagreeabletomethananybehaviourhecouldhaveadopted.Itremindedmeofouroldacquaintance;itseemedthenaturalsequelofit;itshowedmethathewasunchanged;itrelievedmeofanyuneasinessImighthavefelt,incomparingmymeritswithhis,andmeasuringmyclaimsuponhisfriendshipbyanyequalstandard;aboveall,itwasafamiliar,unrestrained,affectionatedemeanourthatheusedtowardsnooneelse.Ashehadtreatedmeatschooldifferentlyfromall
therest,Ijoyfullybelievedthathetreatedmeinlifeunlikeanyotherfriendhehad.IbelievedthatIwasnearertohisheartthananyotherfriend,andmyownheartwarmedwithattachmenttohim.Hemadeuphismindtogowithmeintothecountry,andthedayarrivedforourdeparture.HehadbeendoubtfulatfirstwhethertotakeLittimerornot,butdecidedtoleavehimathome.Therespectablecreature,satisfiedwithhislotwhateveritwas,arrangedourportmanteauxonthelittlecarriagethatwastotakeusintoLondon,asiftheywereintendedtodefytheshocksofages,andreceivedmymodestlyproffereddonationwithperfecttranquillity.WebadeadieutoMrs.SteerforthandMissDartle,withmanythanksonmypart,andmuchkindnessonthedevotedmother's.ThelastthingIsawwasLittimer'sunruffledeye;fraught,asIfancied,withthesilentconvictionthatIwasveryyoungindeed.WhatIfelt,inreturningsoauspiciouslytotheoldfamiliarplaces,Ishallnotendeavourtodescribe.WewentdownbytheMail.Iwassoconcerned,Irecollect,evenforthehonourofYarmouth,thatwhenSteerforthsaid,aswedrovethroughitsdarkstreetstotheinn,that,aswellashecouldmakeout,itwasa
good,queer,out-of-the-waykindofhole,Iwashighlypleased.Wewenttobedonourarrival(IobservedapairofdirtyshoesandgaitersinconnexionwithmyoldfriendtheDolphinaswepassedthatdoor),andbreakfastedlateinthemorning.Steerforth,whowasingreatspirits,hadbeenstrollingaboutthebeachbeforeIwasup,andhadmadeacquaintance,hesaid,withhalftheboatmenintheplace.Moreover,hehadseen,inthedistance,whathewassuremustbetheidenticalhouseofMr.Peggotty,withsmokecomingoutofthechimney;andhadhadagreatmind,hetoldme,towalkinandswearhewasmyselfgrownoutofknowledge.'Whendoyouproposetointroducemethere,Daisy?'hesaid.'Iamatyourdisposal.Makeyourownarrangements.''Why,Iwasthinkingthatthiseveningwouldbeagoodtime,Steerforth,whentheyareallsittingroundthefire.Ishouldlikeyoutoseeitwhenit'ssnug,it'ssuchacuriousplace.''Sobeit!'returnedSteerforth.'Thisevening.''Ishallnotgivethemanynoticethatwearehere,youknow,'saidI,delighted.'Wemusttakethembysurprise.'
'Oh,ofcourse!It'snofun,'saidSteerforth,'unlesswetakethembysurprise.Letusseethenativesintheiraboriginalcondition.''ThoughtheyAREthatsortofpeoplethatyoumentioned,'Ireturned.'Aha!What!yourecollectmyskirmisheswithRosa,doyou?'heexclaimedwithaquicklook.'Confoundthegirl,Iamhalfafraidofher.She'slikeagoblintome.Butnevermindher.Nowwhatareyougoingtodo?Youaregoingtoseeyournurse,Isuppose?''Why,yes,'Isaid,'ImustseePeggottyfirstofall.''Well,'repliedSteerforth,lookingathiswatch.'SupposeIdeliveryouuptobecriedoverforacoupleofhours.Isthatlongenough?'Ianswered,laughing,thatIthoughtwemightgetthroughitinthattime,butthathemustcomealso;forhewouldfindthathisrenownhadprecededhim,andthathewasalmostasgreatapersonageasIwas.
'I'llcomeanywhereyoulike,'saidSteerforth,'ordoanythingyoulike.Tellmewheretocometo;andintwohoursI'llproducemyselfinanystateyouplease,sentimentalorcomical.'IgavehimminutedirectionsforfindingtheresidenceofMr.Barkis,carriertoBlunderstoneandelsewhere;and,onthisunderstanding,wentoutalone.Therewasasharpbracingair;thegroundwasdry;theseawascrispandclear;thesunwasdiffusingabundanceoflight,ifnotmuchwarmth;andeverythingwasfreshandlively.Iwassofreshandlivelymyself,inthepleasureofbeingthere,thatIcouldhavestoppedthepeopleinthestreetsandshakenhandswiththem.Thestreetslookedsmall,ofcourse.Thestreetsthatwehaveonlyseenaschildrenalwaysdo,Ibelieve,whenwegobacktothem.ButIhadforgottennothinginthem,andfoundnothingchanged,untilIcametoMr.Omer'sshop.OMERANDJoramwasnowwrittenup,whereOMERusedtobe;buttheinscription,DRAPER,TAILOR,HABERDASHER,FUNERALFURNISHER,&c.,remainedasitwas.Myfootstepsseemedtotendsonaturallytotheshopdoor,afterIhadreadthesewordsfromovertheway,thatIwentacrosstheroadandlookedin.Therewasaprettywomanatthebackoftheshop,
dancingalittlechildinherarms,whileanotherlittlefellowclungtoherapron.IhadnodifficultyinrecognizingeitherMinnieorMinnie'schildren.Theglassdooroftheparlourwasnotopen;butintheworkshopacrosstheyardIcouldfaintlyheartheoldtuneplaying,asifithadneverleftoff.'IsMr.Omerathome?'saidI,entering.'Ishouldliketoseehim,foramoment,ifheis.''Ohyes,sir,heisathome,'saidMinnie;'theweatherdon'tsuithisasthmaoutofdoors.Joe,callyourgrandfather!'Thelittlefellow,whowasholdingherapron,gavesuchalustyshout,thatthesoundofitmadehimbashful,andheburiedhisfaceinherskirts,tohergreatadmiration.Iheardaheavypuffingandblowingcomingtowardsus,andsoonMr.Omer,shorter-windedthanofyore,butnotmucholder-looking,stoodbeforeme.'Servant,sir,'saidMr.Omer.'WhatcanIdoforyou,sir?''Youcanshakehandswithme,Mr.Omer,ifyouplease,'saidI,puttingoutmyown.'Youwereverygood-naturedtomeonce,whenIamafraidIdidn'tshowthatIthoughtso.'
'WasIthough?'returnedtheoldman.'I'mgladtohearit,butIdon'trememberwhen.Areyousureitwasme?''Quite.''Ithinkmymemoryhasgotasshortasmybreath,'saidMr.Omer,lookingatmeandshakinghishead;'forIdon'trememberyou.''Don'tyourememberyourcomingtothecoachtomeetme,andmyhavingbreakfasthere,andourridingouttoBlunderstonetogether:you,andI,andMrs.Joram,andMr.Joramtoo-whowasn'therhusbandthen?''Why,Lordblessmysoul!'exclaimedMr.Omer,afterbeingthrownbyhissurpriseintoafitofcoughing,'youdon'tsayso!Minnie,mydear,yourecollect?Dearme,yes;thepartywasalady,Ithink?''Mymother,'Irejoined.'To-be-sure,'saidMr.Omer,touchingmywaistcoatwithhisforefinger,'andtherewasalittlechildtoo!Therewastwo
parties.Thelittlepartywaslaidalongwiththeotherparty.OveratBlunderstoneitwas,ofcourse.Dearme!Andhowhaveyoubeensince?'Verywell,Ithankedhim,asIhopedhehadbeentoo.'Oh!nothingtogrumbleat,youknow,'saidMr.Omer.'Ifindmybreathgetsshort,butitseldomgetslongerasamangetsolder.Itakeitasitcomes,andmakethemostofit.That'sthebestway,ain'tit?'Mr.Omercoughedagain,inconsequenceoflaughing,andwasassistedoutofhisfitbyhisdaughter,whonowstoodclosebesideus,dancinghersmallestchildonthecounter.'Dearme!'saidMr.Omer.'Yes,tobesure.Twoparties!Why,inthatveryride,ifyou'llbelieveme,thedaywasnamedformyMinnietomarryJoram."Donameit,sir,"saysJoram."Yes,do,father,"saysMinnie.Andnowhe'scomeintothebusiness.Andlookhere!Theyoungest!'Minnielaughed,andstrokedherbandedhairuponhertemples,asherfatherputoneofhisfatfingersintothehandofthechild
shewasdancingonthecounter.'Twoparties,ofcourse!'saidMr.Omer,noddinghisheadretrospectively.'Ex-actlyso!AndJoram'satwork,atthisminute,onagreyonewithsilvernails,notthismeasurement'-themeasurementofthedancingchilduponthecounter-'byagoodtwoinches.-Willyoutakesomething?'Ithankedhim,butdeclined.'Letmesee,'saidMr.Omer.'Barkis'sthecarrier'swife-Peggotty'stheboatman'ssister-shehadsomethingtodowithyourfamily?Shewasinservicethere,sure?'Myansweringintheaffirmativegavehimgreatsatisfaction.'Ibelievemybreathwillgetlongnext,mymemory'sgettingsomuchso,'saidMr.Omer.'Well,sir,we'vegotayoungrelationofhershere,underarticlestous,thathasaselegantatasteinthedress-makingbusiness-IassureyouIdon'tbelievethere'saDuchessinEnglandcantouchher.''NotlittleEm'ly?'saidI,involuntarily.
'Em'ly'shername,'saidMr.Omer,'andshe'slittletoo.Butifyou'llbelieveme,shehassuchafaceofherownthathalfthewomeninthistownaremadagainsther.''Nonsense,father!'criedMinnie.'Mydear,'saidMr.Omer,'Idon'tsayit'sthecasewithyou,'winkingatme,'butIsaythathalfthewomeninYarmouth-ah!andinfivemileround-aremadagainstthatgirl.''Thensheshouldhavekepttoherownstationinlife,father,'saidMinnie,'andnothavegiventhemanyholdtotalkabouther,andthentheycouldn'thavedoneit.''Couldn'thavedoneit,mydear!'retortedMr.Omer.'Couldn'thavedoneit!IsthatYOURknowledgeoflife?Whatistherethatanywomancouldn'tdo,thatsheshouldn'tdo-especiallyonthesubjectofanotherwoman'sgoodlooks?'IreallythoughtitwasalloverwithMr.Omer,afterhehadutteredthislibellouspleasantry.Hecoughedtothatextent,andhisbreatheludedallhisattemptstorecoveritwiththat
obstinacy,thatIfullyexpectedtoseehisheadgodownbehindthecounter,andhislittleblackbreeches,withtherustylittlebunchesofribbonsattheknees,comequiveringupinalastineffectualstruggle.Atlength,however,hegotbetter,thoughhestillpantedhard,andwassoexhaustedthathewasobligedtositonthestooloftheshop-desk.'Yousee,'hesaid,wipinghishead,andbreathingwithdifficulty,'shehasn'ttakenmuchtoanycompanionshere;shehasn'ttakenkindlytoanyparticularacquaintancesandfriends,nottomentionsweethearts.Inconsequence,anill-naturedstorygotabout,thatEm'lywantedtobealady.Nowmyopinionis,thatitcameintocirculationprincipallyonaccountofhersometimessaying,attheschool,thatifshewasaladyshewouldliketodoso-and-soforheruncle-don'tyousee?-andbuyhimsuch-and-suchfinethings.''Iassureyou,Mr.Omer,shehassaidsotome,'Ireturnedeagerly,'whenwewerebothchildren.'Mr.Omernoddedhisheadandrubbedhischin.'Justso.Thenoutofaverylittle,shecoulddressherself,yousee,betterthanmostotherscouldoutofadeal,andthatmadethingsunpleasant.
Moreover,shewasratherwhatmightbecalledwayward-I'llgosofarastosaywhatIshouldcallwaywardmyself,'saidMr.Omer;'-didn'tknowherownmindquite-alittlespoiled-andcouldn't,atfirst,exactlybindherselfdown.Nomorethanthatwaseversaidagainsther,Minnie?''No,father,'saidMrs.Joram.'That'stheworst,Ibelieve.''Sowhenshegotasituation,'saidMr.Omer,'tokeepafractiousoldladycompany,theydidn'tverywellagree,andshedidn'tstop.Atlastshecamehere,apprenticedforthreeyears.Nearlytwoof'emareover,andshehasbeenasgoodagirlaseverwas.Worthanysix!Minnie,issheworthanysix,now?''Yes,father,'repliedMinnie.'NeversayIdetractedfromher!''Verygood,'saidMr.Omer.'That'sright.Andso,younggentleman,'headded,afterafewmoments'furtherrubbingofhischin,'thatyoumaynotconsidermelong-windedaswellasshort-breathed,Ibelievethat'sallaboutit.'Astheyhadspokeninasubduedtone,whilespeakingofEm'ly,Ihadnodoubtthatshewasnear.Onmyaskingnow,ifthatwerenot
so,Mr.Omernoddedyes,andnoddedtowardsthedooroftheparlour.MyhurriedinquiryifImightpeepin,wasansweredwithafreepermission;and,lookingthroughtheglass,Isawhersittingatherwork.Isawher,amostbeautifullittlecreature,withthecloudlessblueeyes,thathadlookedintomychildishheart,turnedlaughinglyuponanotherchildofMinnie'swhowasplayingnearher;withenoughofwilfulnessinherbrightfacetojustifywhatIhadheard;withmuchoftheoldcapriciouscoynesslurkinginit;butwithnothinginherprettylooks,Iamsure,butwhatwasmeantforgoodnessandforhappiness,andwhatwasonagoodandhappycourse.Thetuneacrosstheyardthatseemedasifitneverhadleftoff-alas!itwasthetunethatneverDOESleaveoff-wasbeating,softly,allthewhile.'Wouldn'tyouliketostepin,'saidMr.Omer,'andspeaktoher?Walkinandspeaktoher,sir!Makeyourselfathome!'Iwastoobashfultodosothen-Iwasafraidofconfusingher,andIwasnolessafraidofconfusingmyself.-butIinformed
myselfofthehouratwhichsheleftofanevening,inorderthatourvisitmightbetimedaccordingly;andtakingleaveofMr.Omer,andhisprettydaughter,andherlittlechildren,wentawaytomydearoldPeggotty's.Hereshewas,inthetiledkitchen,cookingdinner!ThemomentIknockedatthedoorsheopenedit,andaskedmewhatIpleasedtowant.Ilookedatherwithasmile,butshegavemenosmileinreturn.Ihadneverceasedtowritetoher,butitmusthavebeensevenyearssincewehadmet.'IsMr.Barkisathome,ma'am?'Isaid,feigningtospeakroughlytoher.'He'sathome,sir,'returnedPeggotty,'buthe'sbadabedwiththerheumatics.''Don'thegoovertoBlunderstonenow?'Iasked.'Whenhe'swellhedo,'sheanswered.'DoYOUevergothere,Mrs.Barkis?'
Shelookedatmemoreattentively,andInoticedaquickmovementofherhandstowardseachother.'BecauseIwanttoaskaquestionaboutahousethere,thattheycallthe-whatisit?-theRookery,'saidI.Shetookastepbackward,andputoutherhandsinanundecidedfrightenedway,asiftokeepmeoff.'Peggotty!'Icriedtoher.Shecried,'Mydarlingboy!'andwebothburstintotears,andwerelockedinoneanother'sarms.Whatextravagancesshecommitted;whatlaughingandcryingoverme;whatpridesheshowed,whatjoy,whatsorrowthatshewhoseprideandjoyImighthavebeen,couldneverholdmeinafondembrace;Ihavenotthehearttotell.Iwastroubledwithnomisgivingthatitwasyounginmetorespondtoheremotions.Ihadneverlaughedandcriedinallmylife,Idaresay-noteventoher-morefreelythanIdidthatmorning.'Barkiswillbesoglad,'saidPeggotty,wipinghereyeswithher
apron,'thatit'lldohimmoregoodthanpintsofliniment.MayIgoandtellhimyouarehere?Willyoucomeupandseehim,mydear?'OfcourseIwould.ButPeggottycouldnotgetoutoftheroomaseasilyasshemeantto,forasoftenasshegottothedoorandlookedroundatme,shecamebackagaintohaveanotherlaughandanothercryuponmyshoulder.Atlast,tomakethemattereasier,Iwentupstairswithher;andhavingwaitedoutsideforaminute,whileshesaidawordofpreparationtoMr.Barkis,presentedmyselfbeforethatinvalid.Hereceivedmewithabsoluteenthusiasm.Hewastoorheumatictobeshakenhandswith,buthebeggedmetoshakethetasselonthetopofhisnightcap,whichIdidmostcordially.WhenIsatdownbythesideofthebed,hesaidthatitdidhimaworldofgoodtofeelasifhewasdrivingmeontheBlunderstoneroadagain.Ashelayinbed,faceupward,andsocovered,withthatexception,thatheseemedtobenothingbutaface-likeaconventionalcherubim-helookedthequeerestobjectIeverbeheld.'Whatnamewasit,asIwroteupinthecart,sir?'saidMr.Barkis,withaslowrheumaticsmile.
'Ah!Mr.Barkis,wehadsomegravetalksaboutthatmatter,hadn'twe?''Iwaswillin'alongtime,sir?'saidMr.Barkis.'Alongtime,'saidI.'AndIdon'tregretit,'saidMr.Barkis.'Doyourememberwhatyoutoldmeonce,abouthermakingalltheappleparstiesanddoingallthecooking?''Yes,verywell,'Ireturned.'Itwasastrue,'saidMr.Barkis,'asturnipsis.Itwasastrue,'saidMr.Barkis,noddinghisnightcap,whichwashisonlymeansofemphasis,'astaxesis.Andnothing'struerthanthem.'Mr.Barkisturnedhiseyesuponme,asifformyassenttothisresultofhisreflectionsinbed;andIgaveit.'Nothing'struerthanthem,'repeatedMr.Barkis;'amanaspoorasIam,findsthatoutinhismindwhenhe'slaidup.I'mavery
poorman,sir!''Iamsorrytohearit,Mr.Barkis.''Averypoorman,indeedIam,'saidMr.Barkis.Herehisrighthandcameslowlyandfeeblyfromunderthebedclothes,andwithapurposelessuncertaingrasptookholdofastickwhichwaslooselytiedtothesideofthebed.Aftersomepokingaboutwiththisinstrument,inthecourseofwhichhisfaceassumedavarietyofdistractedexpressions,Mr.Barkispokeditagainstabox,anendofwhichhadbeenvisibletomeallthetime.Thenhisfacebecamecomposed.'Oldclothes,'saidMr.Barkis.'Oh!'saidI.'IwishitwasMoney,sir,'saidMr.Barkis.'Iwishitwas,indeed,'saidI.'ButitAIN'T,'saidMr.Barkis,openingbothhiseyesaswideas
hepossiblycould.Iexpressedmyselfquitesureofthat,andMr.Barkis,turninghiseyesmoregentlytohiswife,said:'She'stheusefullestandbestofwomen,C.P.Barkis.AllthepraisethatanyonecangivetoC.P.Barkis,shedeserves,andmore!Mydear,you'llgetadinnertoday,forcompany;somethinggoodtoeatanddrink,willyou?'Ishouldhaveprotestedagainstthisunnecessarydemonstrationinmyhonour,butthatIsawPeggotty,ontheoppositesideofthebed,extremelyanxiousIshouldnot.SoIheldmypeace.'Ihavegotatrifleofmoneysomewhereaboutme,mydear,'saidMr.Barkis,'butI'malittletired.IfyouandMr.Davidwillleavemeforashortnap,I'lltryandfinditwhenIwake.'Welefttheroom,incompliancewiththisrequest.Whenwegotoutsidethedoor,PeggottyinformedmethatMr.Barkis,beingnow'alittlenearer'thanheusedtobe,alwaysresortedtothissamedevicebeforeproducingasinglecoinfromhisstore;andthatheenduredunheard-ofagoniesincrawlingoutofbedalone,andtaking
itfromthatunluckybox.Ineffect,wepresentlyheardhimutteringsuppressedgroansofthemostdismalnature,asthismagpieproceedingrackedhimineveryjoint;butwhilePeggotty'seyeswerefullofcompassionforhim,shesaidhisgenerousimpulsewoulddohimgood,anditwasbetternottocheckit.Sohegroanedon,untilhehadgotintobedagain,suffering,Ihavenodoubt,amartyrdom;andthencalledusin,pretendingtohavejustwokeupfromarefreshingsleep,andtoproduceaguineafromunderhispillow.Hissatisfactioninwhichhappyimpositiononus,andinhavingpreservedtheimpenetrablesecretofthebox,appearedtobeasufficientcompensationtohimforallhistortures.IpreparedPeggottyforSteerforth'sarrivalanditwasnotlongbeforehecame.Iampersuadedsheknewnodifferencebetweenhishavingbeenapersonalbenefactorofhers,andakindfriendtome,andthatshewouldhavereceivedhimwiththeutmostgratitudeanddevotioninanycase.Buthiseasy,spiritedgoodhumour;hisgenialmanner,hishandsomelooks,hisnaturalgiftofadaptinghimselftowhomsoeverhepleased,andmakingdirect,whenhecaredtodoit,tothemainpointofinterestinanybody'sheart;boundhertohimwhollyinfiveminutes.Hismannertome,alone,wouldhavewonher.But,throughallthesecausescombined,Isincerelybelieveshehadakindofadorationforhimbeforeheleftthe
housethatnight.Hestayedtherewithmetodinner-ifIweretosaywillingly,Ishouldnothalfexpresshowreadilyandgaily.HewentintoMr.Barkis'sroomlikelightandair,brighteningandrefreshingitasifhewerehealthyweather.Therewasnonoise,noeffort,noconsciousness,inanythinghedid;butineverythinganindescribablelightness,aseemingimpossibilityofdoinganythingelse,ordoinganythingbetter,whichwassograceful,sonatural,andagreeable,thatitovercomesme,evennow,intheremembrance.Wemademerryinthelittleparlour,wheretheBookofMartyrs,unthumbedsincemytime,waslaidoutuponthedeskasofold,andwhereInowturnedoveritsterrificpictures,rememberingtheoldsensationstheyhadawakened,butnotfeelingthem.WhenPeggottyspokeofwhatshecalledmyroom,andofitsbeingreadyformeatnight,andofherhopingIwouldoccupyit,beforeIcouldsomuchaslookatSteerforth,hesitating,hewaspossessedofthewholecase.'Ofcourse,'hesaid.'You'llsleephere,whilewestay,andIshallsleepatthehotel.'
'Buttobringyousofar,'Ireturned,'andtoseparate,seemsbadcompanionship,Steerforth.''Why,inthenameofHeaven,wheredoyounaturallybelong?'hesaid.'Whatis"seems",comparedtothat?'Itwassettledatonce.Hemaintainedallhisdelightfulqualitiestothelast,untilwestartedforth,ateighto'clock,forMr.Peggotty'sboat.Indeed,theyweremoreandmorebrightlyexhibitedasthehourswenton;forIthoughteventhen,andIhavenodoubtnow,thattheconsciousnessofsuccessinhisdeterminationtoplease,inspiredhimwithanewdelicacyofperception,andmadeit,subtleasitwas,moreeasytohim.Ifanyonehadtoldme,then,thatallthiswasabrilliantgame,playedfortheexcitementofthemoment,fortheemploymentofhighspirits,inthethoughtlessloveofsuperiority,inamerewastefulcarelesscourseofwinningwhatwasworthlesstohim,andnextminutethrownaway-Isay,ifanyonehadtoldmesuchaliethatnight,Iwonderinwhatmannerofreceivingitmyindignationwouldhavefoundavent!Probablyonlyinanincrease,hadthatbeenpossible,oftheromanticfeelingsoffidelityandfriendshipwithwhichIwalkedbesidehim,overthedarkwintrysandstowardstheoldboat;thewindsighingaroundus
evenmoremournfully,thanithadsighedandmoaneduponthenightwhenIfirstdarkenedMr.Peggotty'sdoor.'Thisisawildkindofplace,Steerforth,isitnot?''Dismalenoughinthedark,'hesaid:'andthesearoarsasifitwerehungryforus.Isthattheboat,whereIseealightyonder?''That'stheboat,'saidI.'Andit'sthesameIsawthismorning,'hereturned.'Icamestraighttoit,byinstinct,Isuppose.'Wesaidnomoreasweapproachedthelight,butmadesoftlyforthedoor.Ilaidmyhanduponthelatch;andwhisperingSteerforthtokeepclosetome,wentin.Amurmurofvoiceshadbeenaudibleontheoutside,and,atthemomentofourentrance,aclappingofhands:whichlatternoise,Iwassurprisedtosee,proceededfromthegenerallydisconsolateMrs.Gummidge.ButMrs.Gummidgewasnottheonlypersontherewhowasunusuallyexcited.Mr.Peggotty,hisfacelightedupwithuncommonsatisfaction,andlaughingwithallhismight,heldhisrougharmswideopen,asifforlittleEm'lytorunintothem;Ham,
withamixedexpressioninhisfaceofadmiration,exultation,andalumberingsortofbashfulnessthatsatuponhimverywell,heldlittleEm'lybythehand,asifhewerepresentinghertoMr.Peggotty;littleEm'lyherself,blushingandshy,butdelightedwithMr.Peggotty'sdelight,asherjoyouseyesexpressed,wasstoppedbyourentrance(forshesawusfirst)intheveryactofspringingfromHamtonestleinMr.Peggotty'sembrace.Inthefirstglimpsewehadofthemall,andatthemomentofourpassingfromthedarkcoldnightintothewarmlightroom,thiswasthewayinwhichtheywereallemployed:Mrs.Gummidgeinthebackground,clappingherhandslikeamadwoman.Thelittlepicturewassoinstantaneouslydissolvedbyourgoingin,thatonemighthavedoubtedwhetherithadeverbeen.Iwasinthemidstoftheastonishedfamily,facetofacewithMr.Peggotty,andholdingoutmyhandtohim,whenHamshouted:'Mas'rDavy!It'sMas'rDavy!'Inamomentwewereallshakinghandswithoneanother,andaskingoneanotherhowwedid,andtellingoneanotherhowgladweweretomeet,andalltalkingatonce.Mr.Peggottywassoproudandoverjoyedtoseeus,thathedidnotknowwhattosayordo,but
keptoverandoveragainshakinghandswithme,andthenwithSteerforth,andthenwithme,andthenrufflinghisshaggyhairalloverhishead,andlaughingwithsuchgleeandtriumph,thatitwasatreattoseehim.'Why,thatyoutwogent'lmen-gent'lmengrowed-shouldcometothishererooftonight,ofallnightsinmylife,'saidMr.Peggotty,'issuchathingasneverhappenedafore,Idorightlybelieve!Em'ly,mydarling,comehere!Comehere,mylittlewitch!There'sMas'rDavy'sfriend,mydear!There'sthegent'lmanasyou'veheerdon,Em'ly.Hecomestoseeyou,alongwithMas'rDavy,onthebrightestnightofyouruncle'slifeaseverwasorwillbe,Gormthet'otherone,andhorroarforit!'Afterdeliveringthisspeechallinabreath,andwithextraordinaryanimationandpleasure,Mr.Peggottyputoneofhislargehandsrapturouslyoneachsideofhisniece'sface,andkissingitadozentimes,laiditwithagentleprideandloveuponhisbroadchest,andpatteditasifhishandhadbeenalady's.Thenhelethergo;andassheranintothelittlechamberwhereIusedtosleep,lookedrounduponus,quitehotandoutofbreathwithhisuncommonsatisfaction.
'Ifyoutwogent'lmen-gent'lmengrowednow,andsuchgent'lmen-'saidMr.Peggotty.'Soth'are,soth'are!'criedHam.'Wellsaid!Soth'are.Mas'rDavybor'-gent'lmengrowed-soth'are!''Ifyoutwogent'lmen,gent'lmengrowed,'saidMr.Peggotty,'don'tex-cusemeforbeinginastateofmind,whenyouunderstandmatters,I'llarksyourpardon.Em'ly,mydear!-SheknowsI'magoingtotell,'herehisdelightbrokeoutagain,'andhasmadeoff.Wouldyoubesogoodaslookarterher,Mawther,foraminute?'Mrs.Gummidgenoddedanddisappeared.'Ifthisain't,'saidMr.Peggotty,sittingdownamongusbythefire,'thebrightestnighto'mylife,I'mashellfish-biledtoo-andmoreIcan'tsay.ThisherelittleEm'ly,sir,'inalowvoicetoSteerforth,'-herasyouseeablushingherejustnow-'Steerforthonlynodded;butwithsuchapleasedexpressionofinterest,andofparticipationinMr.Peggotty'sfeelings,thatthelatteransweredhimasifhehadspoken.
'Tobesure,'saidMr.Peggotty.'That'sher,andsosheis.Thankee,sir.'Hamnoddedtomeseveraltimes,asifhewouldhavesaidsotoo.'ThisherelittleEm'lyofours,'saidMr.Peggotty,'hasbeen,inourhouse,whatIsuppose(I'maignorantman,butthat'smybelief)noonebutalittlebright-eyedcreeturcanbeinahouse.Sheain'tmychild;Ineverhadone;butIcouldn'tlovehermore.Youunderstand!Icouldn'tdoit!''Iquiteunderstand,'saidSteerforth.'Iknowyoudo,sir,'returnedMr.Peggotty,'andthankeeagain.Mas'rDavy,hecanrememberwhatshewas;youmayjudgeforyourownselfwhatsheis;butneitherofyoucan'tfullyknowwhatshehasbeen,is,andwillbe,tomylovingart.Iamrough,sir,'saidMr.Peggotty,'IamasroughasaSeaPorkypine;butnoone,unless,mayhap,itisawoman,canknow,Ithink,whatourlittleEm'lyistome.Andbetwixtourselves,'sinkinghisvoiceloweryet,'thatwoman'snameain'tMissisGummidgeneither,thoughshehasaworldofmerits.'
Mr.Peggottyruffledhishairagain,withbothhands,asafurtherpreparationforwhathewasgoingtosay,andwenton,withahanduponeachofhisknees:'Therewasacertainpersonashadknow'dourEm'ly,fromthetimewhenherfatherwasdrownded;ashadseenherconstant;whenababby,whenayounggal,whenawoman.Notmuchofapersontolookat,hewarn't,'saidMr.Peggotty,'somethingo'myownbuild-rough-agooddealo'thesou'-westerinhim-werysalt-but,onthewhole,ahonestsortofachap,withhisartintherightplace.'IthoughtIhadneverseenHamgrintoanythingliketheextenttowhichhesatgrinningatusnow.'Whatdoesthishereblessedtarpaulingoanddo,'saidMr.Peggotty,withhisfaceonehighnoonofenjoyment,'buthelosesthatthereartofhistoourlittleEm'ly.Hefollersherabout,hemakeshisselfasorto'servanttoher,helosesinagreatmeasurehisrelishforhiswittles,andinthelong-runhemakesitcleartomewot'samiss.NowIcouldwishmyself,yousee,thatourlittleEm'lywasinafairwayofbeingmarried.Icouldwishtoseeher,atallewents,underarticlestoahonestmanashada
righttodefendher.Idon'tknowhowlongImaylive,orhowsoonImaydie;butIknowthatifIwascapsized,anynight,inagaleofwindinYarmouthRoadshere,andwastoseethetown-lightsshiningforthelasttimeovertherollersasIcouldn'tmakenoheadagainst,Icouldgodownquieterforthinking"There'samanashorethere,iron-truetomylittleEm'ly,Godblessher,andnowrongcantouchmyEm'lywhilesobeasthatmanlives."'Mr.Peggotty,insimpleearnestness,wavedhisrightarm,asifhewerewavingitatthetown-lightsforthelasttime,andthen,exchanginganodwithHam,whoseeyehecaught,proceededasbefore.'Well!IcounselshimtospeaktoEm'ly.He'sbigenough,buthe'sbashfullerthanalittleun,andhedon'tlike.SoIspeak."What!Him!"saysEm'ly."HimthatI'veknow'dsointimatesomanyyears,andlikesomuch.Oh,Uncle!Inevercanhavehim.He'ssuchagoodfellow!"Igivesherakiss,andIsaysnomoretoherthan,"Mydear,you'rerighttospeakout,you'retochooseforyourself,you'reasfreeasalittlebird."ThenIawaystohim,andIsays,"Iwishitcouldhavebeenso,butitcan't.Butyoucanbothbeasyouwas,andwotIsaytoyouis,Beasyouwaswithher,likeaman."Hesaystome,a-shakingofmyhand,"Iwill!"he
says.Andhewas-honourableandmanful-fortwoyeargoingon,andwewasjustthesameathomehereasafore.'Mr.Peggotty'sface,whichhadvariedinitsexpressionwiththevariousstagesofhisnarrative,nowresumedallitsformertriumphantdelight,ashelaidahanduponmykneeandahanduponSteerforth's(previouslywettingthemboth,forthegreateremphasisoftheaction),anddividedthefollowingspeechbetweenus:'Allofasudden,oneevening-asitmightbetonight-comeslittleEm'lyfromherwork,andhimwithher!Thereain'tsomuchinthat,you'llsay.No,becausehetakescareonher,likeabrother,arterdark,andindeedaforedark,andatalltimes.Butthistarpaulinchap,hetakesholdofherhand,andhecriesouttome,joyful,"Lookhere!Thisistobemylittlewife!"Andshesays,halfboldandhalfshy,andhalfalaughingandhalfacrying,"Yes,Uncle!Ifyouplease."-IfIplease!'criedMr.Peggotty,rollinghisheadinanecstasyattheidea;'Lord,asifIshoulddoanythinkelse!-"Ifyouplease,Iamsteadiernow,andIhavethoughtbetterofit,andI'llbeasgoodalittlewifeasIcantohim,forhe'sadear,goodfellow!"ThenMissisGummidge,sheclapsherhandslikeaplay,andyoucomein.Theer!the
murder'sout!'saidMr.Peggotty-'Youcomein!Ittookplacethisherepresenthour;andhere'sthemanthat'llmarryher,theminuteshe'soutofhertime.'Hamstaggered,aswellhemight,undertheblowMr.Peggottydealthiminhisunboundedjoy,asamarkofconfidenceandfriendship;butfeelingcalledupontosaysomethingtous,hesaid,withmuchfalteringandgreatdifficulty:'Shewarn'tnohigherthanyouwas,Mas'rDavy-whenyoufirstcome-whenIthoughtwhatshe'dgrowuptobe.Iseehergrownup-gent'lmen-likeaflower.I'dlaydownmylifeforher-Mas'rDavy-Oh!mostcontentandcheerful!She'smoretome-gent'lmen-than-she'salltomethateverIcanwant,andmorethaneverI-thaneverIcouldsay.I-Ilovehertrue.Thereain'tagent'lmaninalltheland-noryetsailinguponallthesea-thatcanlovehisladymorethanIloveher,thoughthere'smanyacommonman-wouldsaybetter-whathemeant.'IthoughtitaffectingtoseesuchasturdyfellowasHamwasnow,tremblinginthestrengthofwhathefeltfortheprettylittlecreaturewhohadwonhisheart.IthoughtthesimpleconfidencereposedinusbyMr.Peggottyandbyhimself,was,initself,
affecting.Iwasaffectedbythestoryaltogether.Howfarmyemotionswereinfluencedbytherecollectionsofmychildhood,Idon'tknow.WhetherIhadcometherewithanylingeringfancythatIwasstilltolovelittleEm'ly,Idon'tknow.IknowthatIwasfilledwithpleasurebyallthis;but,atfirst,withanindescribablysensitivepleasure,thataverylittlewouldhavechangedtopain.Therefore,ifithaddependeduponmetotouchtheprevailingchordamongthemwithanyskill,Ishouldhavemadeapoorhandofit.ButitdependeduponSteerforth;andhediditwithsuchaddress,thatinafewminuteswewereallaseasyandashappyasitwaspossibletobe.'Mr.Peggotty,'hesaid,'youareathoroughlygoodfellow,anddeservetobeashappyasyouaretonight.Myhanduponit!Ham,Igiveyoujoy,myboy.Myhanduponthat,too!Daisy,stirthefire,andmakeitabriskone!andMr.Peggotty,unlessyoucaninduceyourgentleniecetocomeback(forwhomIvacatethisseatinthecorner),Ishallgo.Anygapatyourfiresideonsuchanight-suchagapleastofall-Iwouldn'tmake,forthewealthoftheIndies!'
SoMr.PeggottywentintomyoldroomtofetchlittleEm'ly.AtfirstlittleEm'lydidn'tliketocome,andthenHamwent.Presentlytheybroughthertothefireside,verymuchconfused,andveryshy,-butshesoonbecamemoreassuredwhenshefoundhowgentlyandrespectfullySteerforthspoketoher;howskilfullyheavoidedanythingthatwouldembarrassher;howhetalkedtoMr.Peggottyofboats,andships,andtides,andfish;howhereferredtomeaboutthetimewhenhehadseenMr.PeggottyatSalemHouse;howdelightedhewaswiththeboatandallbelongingtoit;howlightlyandeasilyhecarriedon,untilhebroughtus,bydegrees,intoacharmedcircle,andwewerealltalkingawaywithoutanyreserve.Em'ly,indeed,saidlittlealltheevening;butshelooked,andlistened,andherfacegotanimated,andshewascharming.Steerforthtoldastoryofadismalshipwreck(whicharoseoutofhistalkwithMr.Peggotty),asifhesawitallbeforehim-andlittleEm'ly'seyeswerefastenedonhimallthetime,asifshesawittoo.Hetoldusamerryadventureofhisown,asarelieftothat,withasmuchgaietyasifthenarrativewereasfreshtohimasitwastous-andlittleEm'lylaugheduntiltheboatrangwiththemusicalsounds,andwealllaughed(Steerforthtoo),inirresistiblesympathywithwhatwassopleasantandlight-hearted.
HegotMr.Peggottytosing,orrathertoroar,'Whenthestormywindsdoblow,doblow,doblow';andhesangasailor'ssonghimself,sopatheticallyandbeautifully,thatIcouldhavealmostfanciedthattherealwindcreepingsorrowfullyroundthehouse,andmurmuringlowthroughourunbrokensilence,wastheretolisten.AstoMrs.Gummidge,herousedthatvictimofdespondencywithasuccessneverattainedbyanyoneelse(soMr.Peggottyinformedme),sincethedeceaseoftheoldone.Helefthersolittleleisureforbeingmiserable,thatshesaidnextdayshethoughtshemusthavebeenbewitched.Buthesetupnomonopolyofthegeneralattention,ortheconversation.WhenlittleEm'lygrewmorecourageous,andtalked(butstillbashfully)acrossthefiretome,ofouroldwanderingsuponthebeach,topickupshellsandpebbles;andwhenIaskedherifsherecollectedhowIusedtobedevotedtoher;andwhenwebothlaughedandreddened,castingtheselooksbackonthepleasantoldtimes,sounrealtolookatnow;hewassilentandattentive,andobservedusthoughtfully.Shesat,atthistime,andalltheevening,ontheoldlockerinheroldlittlecornerbythefire-Hambesideher,whereIusedtosit.Icouldnotsatisfymyself
whetheritwasinherownlittletormentingway,orinamaidenlyreservebeforeus,thatshekeptquiteclosetothewall,andawayfromhim;butIobservedthatshedidso,alltheevening.AsIremember,itwasalmostmidnightwhenwetookourleave.Wehadhadsomebiscuitanddriedfishforsupper,andSteerforthhadproducedfromhispocketafullflaskofHollands,whichwemen(Imaysaywemen,now,withoutablush)hademptied.Wepartedmerrily;andastheyallstoodcrowdedroundthedoortolightusasfarastheycoulduponourroad,IsawthesweetblueeyesoflittleEm'lypeepingafterus,frombehindHam,andheardhersoftvoicecallingtoustobecarefulhowwewent.'AmostengaginglittleBeauty!'saidSteerforth,takingmyarm.'Well!It'saquaintplace,andtheyarequaintcompany,andit'squiteanewsensationtomixwiththem.''Howfortunateweare,too,'Ireturned,'tohavearrivedtowitnesstheirhappinessinthatintendedmarriage!Ineversawpeoplesohappy.Howdelightfultoseeit,andtobemadethesharersintheirhonestjoy,aswehavebeen!''That'sratherachuckle-headedfellowforthegirl;isn'the?'
saidSteerforth.Hehadbeensoheartywithhim,andwiththemall,thatIfeltashockinthisunexpectedandcoldreply.Butturningquicklyuponhim,andseeingalaughinhiseyes,Ianswered,muchrelieved:'Ah,Steerforth!It'swellforyoutojokeaboutthepoor!YoumayskirmishwithMissDartle,ortrytohideyoursympathiesinjestfromme,butIknowbetter.WhenIseehowperfectlyyouunderstandthem,howexquisitelyyoucanenterintohappinesslikethisplainfisherman's,orhumouralovelikemyoldnurse's,Iknowthatthereisnotajoyorsorrow,notanemotion,ofsuchpeople,thatcanbeindifferenttoyou.AndIadmireandloveyouforit,Steerforth,twentytimesthemore!'Hestopped,and,lookinginmyface,said,'Daisy,Ibelieveyouareinearnest,andaregood.Iwishweallwere!'NextmomenthewasgailysingingMr.Peggotty'ssong,aswewalkedataroundpacebacktoYarmouth.CHAPTER22SOMEOLDSCENES,ANDSOMENEWPEOPLE
SteerforthandIstayedformorethanafortnightinthatpartofthecountry.Wewereverymuchtogether,Ineednotsay;butoccasionallywewereasunderforsomehoursatatime.Hewasagoodsailor,andIwasbutanindifferentone;andwhenhewentoutboatingwithMr.Peggotty,whichwasafavouriteamusementofhis,Igenerallyremainedashore.MyoccupationofPeggotty'sspare-roomputaconstraintuponme,fromwhichhewasfree:for,knowinghowassiduouslysheattendedonMr.Barkisallday,Ididnotliketoremainoutlateatnight;whereasSteerforth,lyingattheInn,hadnothingtoconsultbuthisownhumour.Thusitcameabout,thatIheardofhismakinglittletreatsforthefishermenatMr.Peggotty'shouseofcall,'TheWillingMind',afterIwasinbed,andofhisbeingafloat,wrappedinfishermen'sclothes,wholemoonlightnights,andcomingbackwhenthemorningtidewasatflood.Bythistime,however,Iknewthathisrestlessnatureandboldspiritsdelightedtofindaventinroughtoilandhardweather,asinanyothermeansofexcitementthatpresenteditselffreshlytohim;sononeofhisproceedingssurprisedme.Anothercauseofourbeingsometimesapart,was,thatIhadnaturallyaninterestingoingovertoBlunderstone,andrevisiting
theoldfamiliarscenesofmychildhood;whileSteerforth,afterbeingthereonce,hadnaturallynogreatinterestingoingthereagain.Hence,onthreeorfourdaysthatIcanatoncerecall,wewentourseveralwaysafteranearlybreakfast,andmetagainatalatedinner.Ihadnoideahowheemployedhistimeintheinterval,beyondageneralknowledgethathewasverypopularintheplace,andhadtwentymeansofactivelydivertinghimselfwhereanothermanmightnothavefoundone.Formyownpart,myoccupationinmysolitarypilgrimageswastorecalleveryyardoftheoldroadasIwentalongit,andtohaunttheoldspots,ofwhichInevertired.Ihauntedthem,asmymemoryhadoftendone,andlingeredamongthemasmyyoungerthoughtshadlingeredwhenIwasfaraway.Thegravebeneaththetree,wherebothmyparentslay-onwhichIhadlookedout,whenitwasmyfather'sonly,withsuchcuriousfeelingsofcompassion,andbywhichIhadstood,sodesolate,whenitwasopenedtoreceivemyprettymotherandherbaby-thegravewhichPeggotty'sownfaithfulcarehadeversincekeptneat,andmadeagardenof,Iwalkednear,bythehour.Itlayalittleoffthechurchyardpath,inaquietcorner,notsofarremovedbutIcouldreadthenamesuponthestoneasIwalkedtoandfro,startledbythesoundofthechurch-bellwhenitstruckthehour,foritwaslikea
departedvoicetome.MyreflectionsatthesetimeswerealwaysassociatedwiththefigureIwastomakeinlife,andthedistinguishedthingsIwastodo.Myechoingfootstepswenttonoothertune,butwereasconstanttothatasifIhadcomehometobuildmycastlesintheairatalivingmother'sside.Thereweregreatchangesinmyoldhome.Theraggednests,solongdesertedbytherooks,weregone;andthetreeswereloppedandtoppedoutoftheirrememberedshapes.Thegardenhadrunwild,andhalfthewindowsofthehousewereshutup.Itwasoccupied,butonlybyapoorlunaticgentleman,andthepeoplewhotookcareofhim.Hewasalwayssittingatmylittlewindow,lookingoutintothechurchyard;andIwonderedwhetherhisramblingthoughtseverwentuponanyofthefanciesthatusedtooccupymine,ontherosymorningswhenIpeepedoutofthatsamelittlewindowinmynight-clothes,andsawthesheepquietlyfeedinginthelightoftherisingsun.Ouroldneighbours,Mr.andMrs.Grayper,weregonetoSouthAmerica,andtherainhadmadeitswaythroughtheroofoftheiremptyhouse,andstainedtheouterwalls.Mr.Chillipwasmarriedagaintoatall,raw-boned,high-nosedwife;andtheyhadaweazenlittlebaby,withaheavyheadthatitcouldn'tholdup,andtwo
weakstaringeyes,withwhichitseemedtobealwayswonderingwhyithadeverbeenborn.ItwaswithasingularjumbleofsadnessandpleasurethatIusedtolingeraboutmynativeplace,untilthereddeningwintersunadmonishedmethatitwastimetostartonmyreturningwalk.But,whentheplacewasleftbehind,andespeciallywhenSteerforthandIwerehappilyseatedoverourdinnerbyablazingfire,itwasdelicioustothinkofhavingbeenthere.Soitwas,thoughinasofteneddegree,whenIwenttomyneatroomatnight;and,turningovertheleavesofthecrocodile-book(whichwasalwaysthere,uponalittletable),rememberedwithagratefulhearthowblestIwasinhavingsuchafriendasSteerforth,suchafriendasPeggotty,andsuchasubstituteforwhatIhadlostasmyexcellentandgenerousaunt.MYnearestwaytoYarmouth,incomingbackfromtheselongwalks,wasbyaferry.Itlandedmeontheflatbetweenthetownandthesea,whichIcouldmakestraightacross,andsosavemyselfaconsiderablecircuitbythehighroad.Mr.Peggotty'shousebeingonthatwaste-place,andnotahundredyardsoutofmytrack,IalwayslookedinasIwentby.Steerforthwasprettysuretobethereexpectingme,andwewentontogetherthroughthefrostyair
andgatheringfogtowardsthetwinklinglightsofthetown.Onedarkevening,whenIwaslaterthanusual-forIhad,thatday,beenmakingmypartingvisittoBlunderstone,aswewerenowabouttoreturnhome-IfoundhimaloneinMr.Peggotty'shouse,sittingthoughtfullybeforethefire.Hewassointentuponhisownreflectionsthathewasquiteunconsciousofmyapproach.This,indeed,hemighteasilyhavebeenifhehadbeenlessabsorbed,forfootstepsfellnoiselesslyonthesandygroundoutside;butevenmyentrancefailedtorousehim.Iwasstandingclosetohim,lookingathim;andstill,withaheavybrow,hewaslostinhismeditations.HegavesuchastartwhenIputmyhanduponhisshoulder,thathemademestarttoo.'Youcomeuponme,'hesaid,almostangrily,'likeareproachfulghost!''Iwasobligedtoannouncemyself,somehow,'Ireplied.'HaveIcalledyoudownfromthestars?''No,'heanswered.'No.'
'Upfromanywhere,then?'saidI,takingmyseatnearhim.'Iwaslookingatthepicturesinthefire,'hereturned.'Butyouarespoilingthemforme,'saidI,ashestirreditquicklywithapieceofburningwood,strikingoutofitatrainofred-hotsparksthatwentcareeringupthelittlechimney,androaringoutintotheair.'Youwouldnothaveseenthem,'hereturned.'Idetestthismongreltime,neitherdaynornight.Howlateyouare!Wherehaveyoubeen?''Ihavebeentakingleaveofmyusualwalk,'saidI.'AndIhavebeensittinghere,'saidSteerforth,glancingroundtheroom,'thinkingthatallthepeoplewefoundsogladonthenightofourcomingdown,might-tojudgefromthepresentwastedairoftheplace-bedispersed,ordead,orcometoIdon'tknowwhatharm.David,IwishtoGodIhadhadajudiciousfathertheselasttwentyyears!'
'MydearSteerforth,whatisthematter?''IwishwithallmysoulIhadbeenbetterguided!'heexclaimed.'IwishwithallmysoulIcouldguidemyselfbetter!'Therewasapassionatedejectioninhismannerthatquiteamazedme.HewasmoreunlikehimselfthanIcouldhavesupposedpossible.'ItwouldbebettertobethispoorPeggotty,orhisloutofanephew,'hesaid,gettingupandleaningmoodilyagainstthechimney-piece,withhisfacetowardsthefire,'thantobemyself,twentytimesricherandtwentytimeswiser,andbethetormenttomyselfthatIhavebeen,inthisDevil'sbarkofaboat,withinthelasthalf-hour!'Iwassoconfoundedbythealterationinhim,thatatfirstIcouldonlyobservehiminsilence,ashestoodleaninghisheaduponhishand,andlookinggloomilydownatthefire.AtlengthIbeggedhim,withalltheearnestnessIfelt,totellmewhathadoccurredtocrosshimsounusually,andtoletmesympathizewithhim,ifIcouldnothopetoadvisehim.BeforeIhadwellconcluded,hebegantolaugh-fretfullyatfirst,butsoonwithreturning
gaiety.'Tut,it'snothing,Daisy!nothing!'hereplied.'ItoldyouattheinninLondon,Iamheavycompanyformyself,sometimes.Ihavebeenanightmaretomyself,justnow-musthavehadone,Ithink.Atodddulltimes,nurserytalescomeupintothememory,unrecognizedforwhattheyare.IbelieveIhavebeenconfoundingmyselfwiththebadboywho"didn'tcare",andbecamefoodforlions-agranderkindofgoingtothedogs,Isuppose.Whatoldwomencallthehorrors,havebeencreepingovermefromheadtofoot.Ihavebeenafraidofmyself.''Youareafraidofnothingelse,Ithink,'saidI.'Perhapsnot,andyetmayhaveenoughtobeafraidoftoo,'heanswered.'Well!Soitgoesby!Iamnotabouttobehippedagain,David;butItellyou,mygoodfellow,oncemore,thatitwouldhavebeenwellforme(andformorethanme)ifIhadhadasteadfastandjudiciousfather!'Hisfacewasalwaysfullofexpression,butIneversawitexpresssuchadarkkindofearnestnessaswhenhesaidthesewords,withhisglancebentonthefire.
'Somuchforthat!'hesaid,makingasifhetossedsomethinglightintotheair,withhishand."'Why,beinggone,Iamamanagain,"likeMacbeth.Andnowfordinner!IfIhavenot(Macbeth-like)brokenupthefeastwithmostadmireddisorder,Daisy.''Butwherearetheyall,Iwonder!'saidI.'Godknows,'saidSteerforth.'Afterstrollingtotheferrylookingforyou,Istrolledinhereandfoundtheplacedeserted.Thatsetmethinking,andyoufoundmethinking.'TheadventofMrs.Gummidgewithabasket,explainedhowthehousehadhappenedtobeempty.Shehadhurriedouttobuysomethingthatwasneeded,againstMr.Peggotty'sreturnwiththetide;andhadleftthedooropeninthemeanwhile,lestHamandlittleEm'ly,withwhomitwasanearlynight,shouldcomehomewhileshewasgone.Steerforth,afterverymuchimprovingMrs.Gummidge'sspiritsbyacheerfulsalutationandajocoseembrace,tookmyarm,andhurriedmeaway.Hehadimprovedhisownspirits,nolessthanMrs.Gummidge's,fortheywereagainattheirusualflow,andhewasfullofvivacious
conversationaswewentalong.'Andso,'hesaid,gaily,'weabandonthisbuccaneerlifetomorrow,dowe?''Soweagreed,'Ireturned.'Andourplacesbythecoacharetaken,youknow.''Ay!there'snohelpforit,Isuppose,'saidSteerforth.'Ihavealmostforgottenthatthereisanythingtodointheworldbuttogoouttossingontheseahere.Iwishtherewasnot.''Aslongasthenoveltyshouldlast,'saidI,laughing.'Likeenough,'hereturned;'thoughthere'sasarcasticmeaninginthatobservationforanamiablepieceofinnocencelikemyyoungfriend.Well!IdaresayIamacapriciousfellow,David.IknowIam;butwhiletheironishot,Icanstrikeitvigorouslytoo.Icouldpassareasonablygoodexaminationalready,asapilotinthesewaters,Ithink.''Mr.Peggottysaysyouareawonder,'Ireturned.
'Anauticalphenomenon,eh?'laughedSteerforth.'Indeedhedoes,andyouknowhowtruly;Iknowhowardentyouareinanypursuityoufollow,andhoweasilyyoucanmasterit.Andthatamazesmemostinyou,Steerforth-thatyoushouldbecontentedwithsuchfitfulusesofyourpowers.''Contented?'heanswered,merrily.'Iamnevercontented,exceptwithyourfreshness,mygentleDaisy.Astofitfulness,IhaveneverlearnttheartofbindingmyselftoanyofthewheelsonwhichtheIxionsofthesedaysareturningroundandround.Imisseditsomehowinabadapprenticeship,andnowdon'tcareaboutit.-YouknowIhaveboughtaboatdownhere?''Whatanextraordinaryfellowyouare,Steerforth!'Iexclaimed,stopping-forthiswasthefirstIhadheardofit.'Whenyoumaynevercaretocomeneartheplaceagain!''Idon'tknowthat,'hereturned.'Ihavetakenafancytotheplace.Atallevents,'walkingmebrisklyon,'Ihaveboughtaboatthatwasforsale-aclipper,Mr.Peggottysays;andsosheis-andMr.Peggottywillbemasterofherinmyabsence.'
'NowIunderstandyou,Steerforth!'saidI,exultingly.'Youpretendtohaveboughtitforyourself,butyouhavereallydonesotoconferabenefitonhim.Imighthaveknownasmuchatfirst,knowingyou.MydearkindSteerforth,howcanItellyouwhatIthinkofyourgenerosity?''Tush!'heanswered,turningred.'Thelesssaid,thebetter.''Didn'tIknow?'criedI,'didn'tIsaythattherewasnotajoy,orsorrow,oranyemotionofsuchhonestheartsthatwasindifferenttoyou?''Aye,aye,'heanswered,'youtoldmeallthat.Thereletitrest.Wehavesaidenough!'Afraidofoffendinghimbypursuingthesubjectwhenhemadesolightofit,Ionlypursueditinmythoughtsaswewentonatevenaquickerpacethanbefore.'Shemustbenewlyrigged,'saidSteerforth,'andIshallleaveLittimerbehindtoseeitdone,thatImayknowsheisquitecomplete.DidItellyouLittimerhadcomedown?'
'No.''Ohyes!camedownthismorning,withaletterfrommymother.'Asourlooksmet,Iobservedthathewaspaleeventohislips,thoughhelookedverysteadilyatme.IfearedthatsomedifferencebetweenhimandhismothermighthaveledtohisbeingintheframeofmindinwhichIhadfoundhimatthesolitaryfireside.Ihintedso.'Ohno!'hesaid,shakinghishead,andgivingaslightlaugh.'Nothingofthesort!Yes.Heiscomedown,thatmanofmine.''Thesameasever?'saidI.'Thesameasever,'saidSteerforth.'DistantandquietastheNorthPole.Heshallseetotheboatbeingfreshnamed.She'sthe"StormyPetrel"now.WhatdoesMr.PeggottycareforStormyPetrels!I'llhaveherchristenedagain.''Bywhatname?'Iasked.'The"LittleEm'ly".'
Ashehadcontinuedtolooksteadilyatme,Itookitasareminderthatheobjectedtobeingextolledforhisconsideration.Icouldnothelpshowinginmyfacehowmuchitpleasedme,butIsaidlittle,andheresumedhisusualsmile,andseemedrelieved.'Butseehere,'hesaid,lookingbeforeus,'wheretheoriginallittleEm'lycomes!Andthatfellowwithher,eh?Uponmysoul,he'satrueknight.Heneverleavesher!'Hamwasaboat-builderinthesedays,havingimprovedanaturalingenuityinthathandicraft,untilhehadbecomeaskilledworkman.Hewasinhisworking-dress,andlookedruggedenough,butmanlywithal,andaveryfitprotectorforthebloominglittlecreatureathisside.Indeed,therewasafranknessinhisface,anhonesty,andanundisguisedshowofhisprideinher,andhisloveforher,whichwere,tome,thebestofgoodlooks.Ithought,astheycametowardsus,thattheywerewellmatchedeveninthatparticular.Shewithdrewherhandtimidlyfromhisarmaswestoppedtospeaktothem,andblushedasshegaveittoSteerforthandtome.Whentheypassedon,afterwehadexchangedafewwords,shedidnot
liketoreplacethathand,but,stillappearingtimidandconstrained,walkedbyherself.Ithoughtallthisveryprettyandengaging,andSteerforthseemedtothinksotoo,aswelookedafterthemfadingawayinthelightofayoungmoon.Suddenlytherepassedus-evidentlyfollowingthem-ayoungwomanwhoseapproachwehadnotobserved,butwhosefaceIsawasshewentby,andthoughtIhadafaintremembranceof.Shewaslightlydressed;lookedbold,andhaggard,andflaunting,andpoor;butseemed,forthetime,tohavegivenallthattothewindwhichwasblowing,andtohavenothinginhermindbutgoingafterthem.Asthedarkdistantlevel,absorbingtheirfiguresintoitself,leftbutitselfvisiblebetweenusandtheseaandclouds,herfiguredisappearedinlikemanner,stillnonearertothemthanbefore.'Thatisablackshadowtobefollowingthegirl,'saidSteerforth,standingstill;'whatdoesitmean?'HespokeinalowvoicethatsoundedalmoststrangetoMe.'Shemusthaveitinhermindtobegofthem,Ithink,'saidI.'Abeggarwouldbenonovelty,'saidSteerforth;'butitisa
strangethingthatthebeggarshouldtakethatshapetonight.''Why?'Iasked.'Fornobetterreason,truly,thanbecauseIwasthinking,'hesaid,afterapause,'ofsomethinglikeit,whenitcameby.WheretheDevildiditcomefrom,Iwonder!''Fromtheshadowofthiswall,Ithink,'saidI,asweemergeduponaroadonwhichawallabutted.'It'sgone!'hereturned,lookingoverhisshoulder.'Andallillgowithit.Nowforourdinner!'Buthelookedagainoverhisshouldertowardsthesea-lineglimmeringafaroff,andyetagain.Andhewonderedaboutit,insomebrokenexpressions,severaltimes,intheshortremainderofourwalk;andonlyseemedtoforgetitwhenthelightoffireandcandleshoneuponus,seatedwarmandmerry,attable.Littimerwasthere,andhadhisusualeffectuponme.WhenIsaidtohimthatIhopedMrs.SteerforthandMissDartlewerewell,heansweredrespectfully(andofcourserespectably),thattheywere
tolerablywell,hethankedme,andhadsenttheircompliments.Thiswasall,andyetheseemedtometosayasplainlyasamancouldsay:'Youareveryyoung,sir;youareexceedinglyyoung.'Wehadalmostfinisheddinner,whentakingasteportwotowardsthetable,fromthecornerwherehekeptwatchuponus,orratheruponme,asIfelt,hesaidtohismaster:'Ibegyourpardon,sir.MissMowcherisdownhere.''Who?'criedSteerforth,muchastonished.'MissMowcher,sir.''Why,whatonearthdoesshedohere?'saidSteerforth.'Itappearstobehernativepartofthecountry,sir.Sheinformsmethatshemakesoneofherprofessionalvisitshere,everyyear,sir.Imetherinthestreetthisafternoon,andshewishedtoknowifshemighthavethehonourofwaitingonyouafterdinner,sir.''DoyouknowtheGiantessinquestion,Daisy?'inquiredSteerforth.
Iwasobligedtoconfess-Ifeltashamed,evenofbeingatthisdisadvantagebeforeLittimer-thatMissMowcherandIwerewhollyunacquainted.'Thenyoushallknowher,'saidSteerforth,'forsheisoneofthesevenwondersoftheworld.WhenMissMowchercomes,showherin.'Ifeltsomecuriosityandexcitementaboutthislady,especiallyasSteerforthburstintoafitoflaughingwhenIreferredtoher,andpositivelyrefusedtoansweranyquestionofwhichImadeherthesubject.Iremained,therefore,inastateofconsiderableexpectationuntiltheclothhadbeenremovedsomehalfanhour,andweweresittingoverourdecanterofwinebeforethefire,whenthedooropened,andLittimer,withhishabitualserenityquiteundisturbed,announced:'MissMowcher!'Ilookedatthedoorwayandsawnothing.Iwasstilllookingatthedoorway,thinkingthatMissMowcherwasalongwhilemakingherappearance,when,tomyinfiniteastonishment,therecamewaddlingroundasofawhichstoodbetweenmeandit,apursydwarf,ofabout
fortyorforty-five,withaverylargeheadandface,apairofroguishgreyeyes,andsuchextremelylittlearms,that,toenableherselftolayafingerarchlyagainsthersnubnose,assheogledSteerforth,shewasobligedtomeetthefingerhalf-way,andlayhernoseagainstit.Herchin,whichwaswhatiscalledadoublechin,wassofatthatitentirelyswallowedupthestringsofherbonnet,bowandall.Throatshehadnone;waistshehadnone;legsshehadnone,worthmentioning;forthoughshewasmorethanfull-sizeddowntowhereherwaistwouldhavebeen,ifshehadhadany,andthoughsheterminated,ashumanbeingsgenerallydo,inapairoffeet,shewassoshortthatshestoodatacommon-sizedchairasatatable,restingabagshecarriedontheseat.Thislady-dressedinanoff-hand,easystyle;bringinghernoseandherforefingertogether,withthedifficultyIhavedescribed;standingwithherheadnecessarilyononeside,and,withoneofhersharpeyesshutup,makinganuncommonlyknowingface-afteroglingSteerforthforafewmoments,brokeintoatorrentofwords.'What!Myflower!'shepleasantlybegan,shakingherlargeheadathim.'You'rethere,areyou!Oh,younaughtyboy,fieforshame,whatdoyoudosofarawayfromhome?Uptomischief,I'llbebound.Oh,you'readownyfellow,Steerforth,soyouare,andI'manother,ain'tI?Ha,ha,ha!You'dhavebettedahundredpound
tofive,now,thatyouwouldn'thaveseenmehere,wouldn'tyou?Blessyou,manalive,I'meverywhere.I'mhereandthere,andwherenot,liketheconjurer'shalf-crowninthelady'shandkercher.Talkingofhandkerchers-andtalkingofladies-whatacomfortyouaretoyourblessedmother,ain'tyou,mydearboy,overoneofmyshoulders,andIdon'tsaywhich!'MissMowcheruntiedherbonnet,atthispassageofherdiscourse,threwbackthestrings,andsatdown,panting,onafootstoolinfrontofthefire-makingakindofarbourofthediningtable,whichspreaditsmahoganyshelteraboveherhead.'Ohmystarsandwhat's-their-names!'shewenton,clappingahandoneachofherlittleknees,andglancingshrewdlyatme,'I'moftoofullahabit,that'sthefact,Steerforth.Afteraflightofstairs,itgivesmeasmuchtroubletodraweverybreathIwant,asifitwasabucketofwater.Ifyousawmelookingoutofanupperwindow,you'dthinkIwasafinewoman,wouldn'tyou?''Ishouldthinkthat,whereverIsawyou,'repliedSteerforth.'Goalong,youdog,do!'criedthelittlecreature,makingawhiskathimwiththehandkerchiefwithwhichshewaswipingherface,
'anddon'tbeimpudent!ButIgiveyoumywordandhonourIwasatLadyMithers'slastweek-THERE'Sawoman!HowSHEwears!-andMithershimselfcameintotheroomwhereIwaswaitingforher-THERE'Saman!HowHEwears!andhiswigtoo,forhe'shaditthesetenyears-andhewentonatthatrateinthecomplimentaryline,thatIbegantothinkIshouldbeobligedtoringthebell.Ha!ha!ha!He'sapleasantwretch,buthewantsprinciple.''WhatwereyoudoingforLadyMithers?'askedSteerforth.'That'stellings,myblessedinfant,'sheretorted,tappinghernoseagain,screwingupherface,andtwinklinghereyeslikeanimpofsupernaturalintelligence.'NeverYOUmind!You'dliketoknowwhetherIstopherhairfromfallingoff,ordyeit,ortouchuphercomplexion,orimprovehereyebrows,wouldn'tyou?Andsoyoushall,mydarling-whenItellyou!Doyouknowwhatmygreatgrandfather'snamewas?''No,'saidSteerforth.'ItwasWalker,mysweetpet,'repliedMissMowcher,'andhecameofalonglineofWalkers,thatIinheritalltheHookeyestatesfrom.'
IneverbeheldanythingapproachingtoMissMowcher'swinkexceptMissMowcher'sself-possession.Shehadawonderfulwaytoo,whenlisteningtowhatwassaidtoher,orwhenwaitingforananswertowhatshehadsaidherself,ofpausingwithherheadcunninglyononeside,andoneeyeturneduplikeamagpie's.AltogetherIwaslostinamazement,andsatstaringather,quiteoblivious,Iamafraid,ofthelawsofpoliteness.Shehadbythistimedrawnthechairtoherside,andwasbusilyengagedinproducingfromthebag(plunginginhershortarmtotheshoulder,ateverydive)anumberofsmallbottles,sponges,combs,brushes,bitsofflannel,littlepairsofcurling-irons,andotherinstruments,whichshetumbledinaheapuponthechair.Fromthisemploymentshesuddenlydesisted,andsaidtoSteerforth,muchtomyconfusion:'Who'syourfriend?''Mr.Copperfield,'saidSteerforth;'hewantstoknowyou.''Well,then,heshall!Ithoughthelookedasifhedid!'returnedMissMowcher,waddlinguptome,baginhand,andlaughingonmeas
shecame.'Facelikeapeach!'standingontiptoetopinchmycheekasIsat.'Quitetempting!I'mveryfondofpeaches.Happytomakeyouracquaintance,Mr.Copperfield,I'msure.'IsaidthatIcongratulatedmyselfonhavingthehonourtomakehers,andthatthehappinesswasmutual.'Oh,mygoodness,howpoliteweare!'exclaimedMissMowcher,makingapreposterousattempttocoverherlargefacewithhermorselofahand.'Whataworldofgammonandspinnageitis,though,ain'tit!'Thiswasaddressedconfidentiallytobothofus,asthemorselofahandcameawayfromtheface,andburieditself,armandall,inthebagagain.'Whatdoyoumean,MissMowcher?'saidSteerforth.'Ha!ha!ha!Whatarefreshingsetofhumbugsweare,tobesure,ain'twe,mysweetchild?'repliedthatmorselofawoman,feelinginthebagwithherheadononesideandhereyeintheair.'Lookhere!'takingsomethingout.'ScrapsoftheRussianPrince'snails.PrinceAlphabetturnedtopsy-turvy,Icallhim,forhis
name'sgotallthelettersinit,higgledy-piggledy.''TheRussianPrinceisaclientofyours,ishe?'saidSteerforth.'Ibelieveyou,mypet,'repliedMissMowcher.'Ikeephisnailsinorderforhim.Twiceaweek!Fingersandtoes.''Hepayswell,Ihope?'saidSteerforth.'Pays,ashespeaks,mydearchild-throughthenose,'repliedMissMowcher.'NoneofyourcloseshaversthePrinceain't.You'dsayso,ifyousawhismoustachios.Redbynature,blackbyart.''Byyourart,ofcourse,'saidSteerforth.MissMowcherwinkedassent.'Forcedtosendforme.Couldn'thelpit.Theclimateaffectedhisdye;itdidverywellinRussia,butitwasnogohere.YouneversawsucharustyPrinceinallyourborndaysashewas.Likeoldiron!''Isthatwhyyoucalledhimahumbug,justnow?'inquiredSteerforth.'Oh,you'reabrothofaboy,ain'tyou?'returnedMissMowcher,
shakingherheadviolently.'Isaid,whatasetofhumbugswewereingeneral,andIshowedyouthescrapsofthePrince'snailstoproveit.ThePrince'snailsdomoreformeinprivatefamiliesofthegenteelsort,thanallmytalentsputtogether.Ialwayscarry'emabout.They'rethebestintroduction.IfMissMowchercutsthePrince'snails,shemustbeallright.Igive'emawaytotheyoungladies.Theyput'eminalbums,Ibelieve.Ha!ha!ha!Uponmylife,"thewholesocialsystem"(asthemencallitwhentheymakespeechesinParliament)isasystemofPrince'snails!'saidthisleastofwomen,tryingtofoldhershortarms,andnoddingherlargehead.Steerforthlaughedheartily,andIlaughedtoo.MissMowchercontinuingallthetimetoshakeherhead(whichwasverymuchononeside),andtolookintotheairwithoneeye,andtowinkwiththeother.'Well,well!'shesaid,smitinghersmallknees,andrising,'thisisnotbusiness.Come,Steerforth,let'sexplorethepolarregions,andhaveitover.'Shethenselectedtwoorthreeofthelittleinstruments,andalittlebottle,andasked(tomysurprise)ifthetablewouldbear.
OnSteerforth'sreplyingintheaffirmative,shepushedachairagainstit,andbeggingtheassistanceofmyhand,mountedup,prettynimbly,tothetop,asifitwereastage.'Ifeitherofyousawmyankles,'shesaid,whenshewassafelyelevated,'sayso,andI'llgohomeanddestroymyself!''Ididnot,'saidSteerforth.'Ididnot,'saidI.'Wellthen,'criedMissMowcher,'I'llconsenttolive.Now,ducky,ducky,ducky,cometoMrs.Bondandbekilled.'ThiswasaninvocationtoSteerforthtoplacehimselfunderherhands;who,accordingly,sathimselfdown,withhisbacktothetable,andhislaughingfacetowardsme,andsubmittedhisheadtoherinspection,evidentlyfornootherpurposethanourentertainment.ToseeMissMowcherstandingoverhim,lookingathisrichprofusionofbrownhairthroughalargeroundmagnifyingglass,whichshetookoutofherpocket,wasamostamazingspectacle.
'You'reaprettyfellow!'saidMissMowcher,afterabriefinspection.'You'dbeasbaldasafriaronthetopofyourheadintwelvemonths,butforme.justhalfaminute,myyoungfriend,andwe'llgiveyouapolishingthatshallkeepyourcurlsonforthenexttenyears!'Withthis,shetiltedsomeofthecontentsofthelittlebottleontooneofthelittlebitsofflannel,and,againimpartingsomeofthevirtuesofthatpreparationtooneofthelittlebrushes,beganrubbingandscrapingawaywithbothonthecrownofSteerforth'sheadinthebusiestmannerIeverwitnessed,talkingallthetime.'There'sCharleyPyegrave,theduke'sson,'shesaid.'YouknowCharley?'peepingroundintohisface.'Alittle,'saidSteerforth.'WhatamanHEis!THERE'Sawhisker!AstoCharley'slegs,iftheywereonlyapair(whichtheyain't),they'ddefycompetition.Wouldyoubelievehetriedtodowithoutme-intheLife-Guards,too?''Mad!'saidSteerforth.
'Itlookslikeit.However,madorsane,hetried,'returnedMissMowcher.'Whatdoeshedo,but,loandbeholdyou,hegoesintoaperfumer'sshop,andwantstobuyabottleoftheMadagascarLiquid.''Charleydoes?'saidSteerforth.'Charleydoes.Buttheyhaven'tgotanyoftheMadagascarLiquid.''Whatisit?Somethingtodrink?'askedSteerforth.'Todrink?'returnedMissMowcher,stoppingtoslaphischeek.'Todoctorhisownmoustachioswith,youknow.Therewasawomanintheshop-elderlyfemale-quiteaGriffin-whohadneverevenheardofitbyname."Beggingpardon,sir,"saidtheGriffintoCharley,"it'snot-not-notROUGE,isit?""Rouge,"saidCharleytotheGriffin."Whattheunmentionabletoearspolite,doyouthinkIwantwithrouge?""Nooffence,sir,"saidtheGriffin;"wehaveitaskedforbysomanynames,Ithoughtitmightbe."Nowthat,mychild,'continuedMissMowcher,rubbingallthetimeasbusilyasever,'isanotherinstanceoftherefreshinghumbugIwasspeakingof.Idosomethinginthatwaymyself-perhapsagood
deal-perhapsalittle-sharp'stheword,mydearboy-nevermind!''Inwhatwaydoyoumean?Intherougeway?'saidSteerforth.'Putthisandthattogether,mytenderpupil,'returnedthewaryMowcher,touchinghernose,'workitbytheruleofSecretsinalltrades,andtheproductwillgiveyouthedesiredresult.IsayIdoalittleinthatwaymyself.OneDowager,SHEcallsitlip-salve.Another,SHEcallsitgloves.Another,SHEcallsittucker-edging.Another,SHEcallsitafan.IcallitwhateverTHEYcallit.Isupplyitfor'em,butwekeepupthetrickso,tooneanother,andmakebelievewithsuchaface,thatthey'dassoonthinkoflayingiton,beforeawholedrawing-room,asbeforeme.AndwhenIwaitupon'em,they'llsaytomesometimes-WITHITON-thick,andnomistake-"HowamIlooking,Mowcher?AmIpale?"Ha!ha!ha!ha!Isn'tTHATrefreshing,myyoungfriend!'IneverdidinmydaysbeholdanythinglikeMowcherasshestooduponthediningtable,intenselyenjoyingthisrefreshment,rubbingbusilyatSteerforth'shead,andwinkingatmeoverit.'Ah!'shesaid.'Suchthingsarenotmuchindemandhereabouts.
Thatsetsmeoffagain!Ihaven'tseenaprettywomansinceI'vebeenhere,jemmy.''No?'saidSteerforth.'Nottheghostofone,'repliedMissMowcher.'Wecouldshowherthesubstanceofone,Ithink?'saidSteerforth,addressinghiseyestomine.'Eh,Daisy?''Yes,indeed,'saidI.'Aha?'criedthelittlecreature,glancingsharplyatmyface,andthenpeepingroundatSteerforth's.'Umph?'Thefirstexclamationsoundedlikeaquestionputtobothofus,andthesecondlikeaquestionputtoSteerforthonly.Sheseemedtohavefoundnoanswertoeither,butcontinuedtorub,withherheadononesideandhereyeturnedup,asifshewerelookingforananswerintheairandwereconfidentofitsappearingpresently.'Asisterofyours,Mr.Copperfield?'shecried,afterapause,andstillkeepingthesamelook-out.'Aye,aye?'
'No,'saidSteerforth,beforeIcouldreply.'Nothingofthesort.Onthecontrary,Mr.Copperfieldused-orIammuchmistaken-tohaveagreatadmirationforher.''Why,hasn'thenow?'returnedMissMowcher.'Ishefickle?Oh,forshame!Didhesipeveryflower,andchangeeveryhour,untilPollyhispassionrequited?-IshernamePolly?'TheElfinsuddennesswithwhichshepounceduponmewiththisquestion,andasearchinglook,quitedisconcertedmeforamoment.'No,MissMowcher,'Ireplied.'HernameisEmily.''Aha?'shecriedexactlyasbefore.'Umph?WhatarattleIam!Mr.Copperfield,ain'tIvolatile?'Hertoneandlookimpliedsomethingthatwasnotagreeabletomeinconnexionwiththesubject.SoIsaid,inagravermannerthananyofushadyetassumed:'Sheisasvirtuousassheispretty.Sheisengagedtobemarriedtoamostworthyanddeservingmaninherownstationoflife.Iesteemherforhergoodsense,asmuchasIadmireherforhergood
looks.''Wellsaid!'criedSteerforth.'Hear,hear,hear!NowI'llquenchthecuriosityofthislittleFatima,mydearDaisy,byleavinghernothingtoguessat.Sheisatpresentapprenticed,MissMowcher,orarticled,orwhateveritmaybe,toOmerandJoram,Haberdashers,Milliners,andsoforth,inthistown.Doyouobserve?OmerandJoram.Thepromiseofwhichmyfriendhasspoken,ismadeandenteredintowithhercousin;Christianname,Ham;surname,Peggotty;occupation,boat-builder;alsoofthistown.Sheliveswitharelative;Christianname,unknown;surname,Peggotty;occupation,seafaring;alsoofthistown.Sheistheprettiestandmostengaginglittlefairyintheworld.Iadmireher-asmyfrienddoes-exceedingly.IfitwerenotthatImightappeartodisparageherIntended,whichIknowmyfriendwouldnotlike,Iwouldadd,thattomesheseemstobethrowingherselfaway;thatIamsureshemightdobetter;andthatIswearshewasborntobealady.'MissMowcherlistenedtothesewords,whichwereveryslowlyanddistinctlyspoken,withherheadononeside,andhereyeintheairasifshewerestilllookingforthatanswer.Whenheceasedshebecamebriskagaininaninstant,andrattledawaywith
surprisingvolubility.'Oh!Andthat'sallaboutit,isit?'sheexclaimed,trimminghiswhiskerswithalittlerestlesspairofscissors,thatwentglancingroundhisheadinalldirections.'Verywell:verywell!Quitealongstory.Oughttoend"andtheylivedhappyeverafterwards";oughtn'tit?Ah!What'sthatgameatforfeits?IlovemylovewithanE,becauseshe'senticing;IhateherwithanE,becauseshe'sengaged.Itookhertothesignoftheexquisite,andtreatedherwithanelopement,hername'sEmily,andshelivesintheeast?Ha!ha!ha!Mr.Copperfield,ain'tIvolatile?'Merelylookingatmewithextravagantslyness,andnotwaitingforanyreply,shecontinued,withoutdrawingbreath:'There!Ifeveranyscapegracewastrimmedandtoucheduptoperfection,youare,Steerforth.IfIunderstandanynoddleintheworld,Iunderstandyours.DoyouhearmewhenItellyouthat,mydarling?Iunderstandyours,'peepingdownintohisface.'Nowyoumaymizzle,jemmy(aswesayatCourt),andifMr.CopperfieldwilltakethechairI'lloperateonhim.''Whatdoyousay,Daisy?'inquiredSteerforth,laughing,and
resigninghisseat.'Willyoubeimproved?''Thankyou,MissMowcher,notthisevening.''Don'tsayno,'returnedthelittlewoman,lookingatmewiththeaspectofaconnoisseur;'alittlebitmoreeyebrow?''Thankyou,'Ireturned,'someothertime.''Haveitcarriedhalfaquarterofaninchtowardsthetemple,'saidMissMowcher.'Wecandoitinafortnight.''No,Ithankyou.Notatpresent.''Goinforatip,'sheurged.'No?Let'sgetthescaffoldingup,then,forapairofwhiskers.Come!'IcouldnothelpblushingasIdeclined,forIfeltwewereonmyweakpoint,now.ButMissMowcher,findingthatIwasnotatpresentdisposedforanydecorationwithintherangeofherart,andthatIwas,forthetimebeing,proofagainsttheblandishmentsofthesmallbottlewhichsheheldupbeforeoneeyetoenforceherpersuasions,saidwewouldmakeabeginningonanearlyday,and
requestedtheaidofmyhandtodescendfromherelevatedstation.Thusassisted,sheskippeddownwithmuchagility,andbegantotieherdoublechinintoherbonnet.'Thefee,'saidSteerforth,'is-''Fivebob,'repliedMissMowcher,'anddirtcheap,mychicken.Ain'tIvolatile,Mr.Copperfield?'Irepliedpolitely:'Notatall.'ButIthoughtshewasratherso,whenshetosseduphistwohalf-crownslikeagoblinpieman,caughtthem,droppedtheminherpocket,andgaveitaloudslap.'That'stheTill!'observedMissMowcher,standingatthechairagain,andreplacinginthebagamiscellaneouscollectionoflittleobjectsshehademptiedoutofit.'HaveIgotallmytraps?Itseemsso.Itwon'tdotobelikelongNedBeadwood,whentheytookhimtochurch"tomarryhimtosomebody",ashesays,andleftthebridebehind.Ha!ha!ha!Awickedrascal,Ned,butdroll!Now,IknowI'mgoingtobreakyourhearts,butIamforcedtoleaveyou.Youmustcallupallyourfortitude,andtrytobearit.Good-bye,Mr.Copperfield!Takecareofyourself,jockeyofNorfolk!HowIhavebeenrattlingon!It'sallthe
faultofyoutwowretches.Iforgiveyou!"Bobswore!"-astheEnglishmansaidfor"Goodnight",whenhefirstlearntFrench,andthoughtitsolikeEnglish."Bobswore,"myducks!'Withthebagslungoverherarm,andrattlingasshewaddledaway,shewaddledtothedoor,whereshestoppedtoinquireifsheshouldleaveusalockofherhair.'Ain'tIvolatile?'sheadded,asacommentaryonthisoffer,and,withherfingeronhernose,departed.Steerforthlaughedtothatdegree,thatitwasimpossibleformetohelplaughingtoo;thoughIamnotsureIshouldhavedoneso,butforthisinducement.Whenwehadhadourlaughquiteout,whichwasaftersometime,hetoldmethatMissMowcherhadquiteanextensiveconnexion,andmadeherselfusefultoavarietyofpeopleinavarietyofways.Somepeopletrifledwithherasamereoddity,hesaid;butshewasasshrewdlyandsharplyobservantasanyoneheknew,andaslong-headedasshewasshort-armed.Hetoldmethatwhatshehadsaidofbeinghere,andthere,andeverywhere,wastrueenough;forshemadelittledartsintotheprovinces,andseemedtopickupcustomerseverywhere,andtoknoweverybody.Iaskedhimwhatherdispositionwas:whetheritwasatallmischievous,andifhersympathiesweregenerallyontherightside
ofthings:but,notsucceedinginattractinghisattentiontothesequestionsaftertwoorthreeattempts,Iforboreorforgottorepeatthem.Hetoldmeinstead,withmuchrapidity,agooddealaboutherskill,andherprofits;andaboutherbeingascientificcupper,ifIshouldeverhaveoccasionforherserviceinthatcapacity.Shewastheprincipalthemeofourconversationduringtheevening:andwhenwepartedforthenightSteerforthcalledaftermeoverthebanisters,'Bobswore!'asIwentdownstairs.Iwassurprised,whenIcametoMr.Barkis'shouse,tofindHamwalkingupanddowninfrontofit,andstillmoresurprisedtolearnfromhimthatlittleEm'lywasinside.Inaturallyinquiredwhyhewasnottheretoo,insteadofpacingthestreetsbyhimself?'Why,yousee,Mas'rDavy,'herejoined,inahesitatingmanner,'Em'ly,she'stalkingtosome'uninhere.''Ishouldhavethought,'saidI,smiling,'thatthatwasareasonforyourbeinginheretoo,Ham.''Well,Mas'rDavy,inageneralway,so'twouldbe,'hereturned;
'butlook'eehere,Mas'rDavy,'loweringhisvoice,andspeakingverygravely.'It'sayoungwoman,sir-ayoungwoman,thatEm'lyknowedonce,anddoen'toughttoknownomore.'WhenIheardthesewords,alightbegantofalluponthefigureIhadseenfollowingthem,somehoursago.'It'sapoorwurem,Mas'rDavy,'saidHam,'asistrodunderfootbyallthetown.Upstreetanddownstreet.Themowldo'thechurchyarddon'tholdanythatthefolkshrinkawayfrom,more.''DidIseehertonight,Ham,onthesand,afterwemetyou?''Keepingusinsight?'saidHam.'It'slikeyoudid,Mas'rDavy.NotthatIknow'dthen,shewastheer,sir,butalongofhercreepingsoonarterwardsunderEm'ly'slittlewinder,whensheseethelightcome,andwhispering"Em'ly,Em'ly,forChrist'ssake,haveawoman'shearttowardsme.Iwasoncelikeyou!"Thosewassolemnwords,Mas'rDavy,furtohear!''Theywereindeed,Ham.WhatdidEm'lydo?''SaysEm'ly,"Martha,isityou?Oh,Martha,canitbeyou?"-fortheyhadsatatworktogether,manyaday,atMr.Omer's.'
'Irecollecthernow!'criedI,recallingoneofthetwogirlsIhadseenwhenIfirstwentthere.'Irecollectherquitewell!''MarthaEndell,'saidHam.'TwoorthreeyearolderthanEm'ly,butwasattheschoolwithher.''Ineverheardhername,'saidI.'Ididn'tmeantointerruptyou.''Forthemattero'that,Mas'rDavy,'repliedHam,'all'stolda'mostinthemwords,"Em'ly,Em'ly,forChrist'ssake,haveawoman'shearttowardsme.Iwasoncelikeyou!"ShewantedtospeaktoEm'ly.Em'lycouldn'tspeaktohertheer,forherlovingunclewascomehome,andhewouldn't-no,Mas'rDavy,'saidHam,withgreatearnestness,'hecouldn't,kind-natur'd,tender-heartedasheis,seethemtwotogether,sidebyside,forallthetreasuresthat'swreckedinthesea.'Ifelthowtruethiswas.Iknewit,ontheinstant,quiteaswellasHam.'SoEm'lywritesinpencilonabitofpaper,'hepursued,'and
givesittoherouto'windertobringhere."Showthat,"shesays,"tomyaunt,Mrs.Barkis,andshe'llsetyoudownbyherfire,fortheloveofme,tilluncleisgoneout,andIcancome."ByandbyshetellsmewhatItellyou,Mas'rDavy,andasksmetobringher.WhatcanIdo?Shedoen'toughttoknowanysuch,butIcan'tdenyher,whenthetearsisonherface.'Heputhishandintothebreastofhisshaggyjacket,andtookoutwithgreatcareaprettylittlepurse.'AndifIcoulddenyherwhenthetearswasonherface,Mas'rDavy,'saidHam,tenderlyadjustingitontheroughpalmofhishand,'howcouldIdenyherwhenshegivemethistocarryforher-knowingwhatshebroughtitfor?Suchatoyasitis!'saidHam,thoughtfullylookingonit.'Withsuchalittlemoneyinit,Em'lymydear.'Ishookhimwarmlybythehandwhenhehadputitawayagain-forthatwasmoresatisfactorytomethansayinganything-andwewalkedupanddown,foraminuteortwo,insilence.Thedooropenedthen,andPeggottyappeared,beckoningtoHamtocomein.Iwouldhavekeptaway,butshecameafterme,entreatingmetocomeintoo.Eventhen,Iwouldhaveavoidedtheroomwherethey
allwere,butforitsbeingtheneat-tiledkitchenIhavementionedmorethanonce.Thedooropeningimmediatelyintoit,IfoundmyselfamongthembeforeIconsideredwhitherIwasgoing.Thegirl-thesameIhadseenuponthesands-wasnearthefire.Shewassittingontheground,withherheadandonearmlyingonachair.Ifancied,fromthedispositionofherfigure,thatEm'lyhadbutnewlyrisenfromthechair,andthattheforlornheadmightperhapshavebeenlyingonherlap.Isawbutlittleofthegirl'sface,overwhichherhairfelllooseandscattered,asifshehadbeendisorderingitwithherownhands;butIsawthatshewasyoung,andofafaircomplexion.Peggottyhadbeencrying.SohadlittleEm'ly.Notawordwasspokenwhenwefirstwentin;andtheDutchclockbythedresserseemed,inthesilence,toticktwiceasloudasusual.Em'lyspokefirst.'Marthawants,'shesaidtoHam,'togotoLondon.''WhytoLondon?'returnedHam.Hestoodbetweenthem,lookingontheprostrategirlwithamixtureofcompassionforher,andofjealousyofherholdinganycompanionshipwithherwhomhelovedsowell,whichIhavealways
remembereddistinctly.Theybothspokeasifshewereill;inasoft,suppressedtonethatwasplainlyheard,althoughithardlyroseaboveawhisper.'Bettertherethanhere,'saidathirdvoicealoud-Martha's,thoughshedidnotmove.'Nooneknowsmethere.Everybodyknowsmehere.''Whatwillshedothere?'inquiredHam.Sheliftedupherhead,andlookeddarklyroundathimforamoment;thenlaiditdownagain,andcurvedherrightarmaboutherneck,asawomaninafever,orinanagonyofpainfromashot,mighttwistherself.'Shewilltrytodowell,'saidlittleEm'ly.'Youdon'tknowwhatshehassaidtous.Doeshe-dothey-aunt?'Peggottyshookherheadcompassionately.'I'lltry,'saidMartha,'ifyou'llhelpmeaway.InevercandoworsethanIhavedonehere.Imaydobetter.Oh!'withadreadfulshiver,'takemeoutofthesestreets,wherethewhole
townknowsmefromachild!'AsEm'lyheldoutherhandtoHam,Isawhimputinitalittlecanvasbag.Shetookit,asifshethoughtitwereherpurse,andmadeasteportwoforward;butfindinghermistake,camebacktowherehehadretirednearme,andshowedittohim.'It'sallyourn,Em'ly,'Icouldhearhimsay.'Ihaven'tnowtinallthewureldthatain'tyourn,mydear.Itain'tofnodelighttome,exceptforyou!'Thetearsrosefreshlyinhereyes,butsheturnedawayandwenttoMartha.Whatshegaveher,Idon'tknow.Isawherstoopingoverher,andputtingmoneyinherbosom.Shewhisperedsomething,assheaskedwasthatenough?'Morethanenough,'theothersaid,andtookherhandandkissedit.ThenMarthaarose,andgatheringhershawlabouther,coveringherfacewithit,andweepingaloud,wentslowlytothedoor.Shestoppedamomentbeforegoingout,asifshewouldhaveutteredsomethingorturnedback;butnowordpassedherlips.Makingthesamelow,dreary,wretchedmoaninginhershawl,shewentaway.
Asthedoorclosed,littleEm'lylookedatusthreeinahurriedmannerandthenhidherfaceinherhands,andfelltosobbing.'Doen't,Em'ly!'saidHam,tappinghergentlyontheshoulder.'Doen't,mydear!Youdoen'toughttocryso,pretty!''Oh,Ham!'sheexclaimed,stillweepingpitifully,'IamnotsogoodagirlasIoughttobe!IknowIhavenotthethankfulheart,sometimes,Ioughttohave!''Yes,yes,youhave,I'msure,'saidHam.'No!no!no!'criedlittleEm'ly,sobbing,andshakingherhead.'IamnotasgoodagirlasIoughttobe.Notnear!notnear!'Andstillshecried,asifherheartwouldbreak.'Itryyourlovetoomuch.IknowIdo!'shesobbed.'I'moftencrosstoyou,andchangeablewithyou,whenIoughttobefardifferent.Youareneversotome.WhyamIeversotoyou,whenIshouldthinkofnothingbuthowtobegrateful,andtomakeyouhappy!''Youalwaysmakemeso,'saidHam,'mydear!Iamhappyinthe
sightofyou.Iamhappy,alldaylong,inthethoughtsofyou.''Ah!that'snotenough!'shecried.'Thatisbecauseyouaregood;notbecauseIam!Oh,mydear,itmighthavebeenabetterfortuneforyou,ifyouhadbeenfondofsomeoneelse-ofsomeonesteadierandmuchworthierthanme,whowasallboundupinyou,andnevervainandchangeablelikeme!''Poorlittletender-heart,'saidHam,inalowvoice.'Marthahasoversether,altogether.''Please,aunt,'sobbedEm'ly,'comehere,andletmelaymyheaduponyou.Oh,Iamverymiserabletonight,aunt!Oh,IamnotasgoodagirlasIoughttobe.Iamnot,Iknow!'Peggottyhadhastenedtothechairbeforethefire.Em'ly,withherarmsaroundherneck,kneeledbyher,lookingupmostearnestlyintoherface.'Oh,pray,aunt,trytohelpme!Ham,dear,trytohelpme!Mr.David,forthesakeofoldtimes,do,please,trytohelpme!IwanttobeabettergirlthanIam.IwanttofeelahundredtimesmorethankfulthanIdo.Iwanttofeelmore,whatablessedthing
itistobethewifeofagoodman,andtoleadapeacefullife.Ohme,ohme!Ohmyheart,myheart!'Shedroppedherfaceonmyoldnurse'sbreast,and,ceasingthissupplication,whichinitsagonyandgriefwashalfawoman's,halfachild's,asallhermannerwas(being,inthat,morenatural,andbettersuitedtoherbeauty,asIthought,thananyothermannercouldhavebeen),weptsilently,whilemyoldnursehushedherlikeaninfant.Shegotcalmerbydegrees,andthenwesoothedher;nowtalkingencouragingly,andnowjestingalittlewithher,untilshebegantoraiseherheadandspeaktous.Sowegoton,untilshewasabletosmile,andthentolaugh,andthentositup,halfashamed;whilePeggottyrecalledherstrayringlets,driedhereyes,andmadeherneatagain,lestheruncleshouldwonder,whenshegothome,whyhisdarlinghadbeencrying.Isawherdo,thatnight,whatIhadneverseenherdobefore.Isawherinnocentlykissherchosenhusbandonthecheek,andcreepclosetohisbluffformasifitwereherbestsupport.Whentheywentawaytogether,inthewaningmoonlight,andIlookedafterthem,comparingtheirdepartureinmymindwithMartha's,Isaw
thatsheheldhisarmwithbothherhands,andstillkeptclosetohim.CHAPTER23ICORROBORATEMr.DICK,ANDCHOOSEAPROFESSIONWhenIawokeinthemorningIthoughtverymuchoflittleEm'ly,andheremotionlastnight,afterMarthahadleft.IfeltasifIhadcomeintotheknowledgeofthosedomesticweaknessesandtendernessesinasacredconfidence,andthattodisclosethem,eventoSteerforth,wouldbewrong.Ihadnogentlerfeelingtowardsanyonethantowardstheprettycreaturewhohadbeenmyplaymate,andwhomIhavealwaysbeenpersuaded,andshallalwaysbepersuaded,tomydyingday,Ithendevotedlyloved.Therepetitiontoanyears-eventoSteerforth's-ofwhatshehadbeenunabletorepresswhenherheartlayopentomebyanaccident,Ifeltwouldbearoughdeed,unworthyofmyself,unworthyofthelightofourpurechildhood,whichIalwayssawencirclingherhead.Imadearesolution,therefore,tokeepitinmyownbreast;andthereitgaveherimageanewgrace.
Whilewewereatbreakfast,aletterwasdeliveredtomefrommyaunt.AsitcontainedmatteronwhichIthoughtSteerforthcouldadvisemeaswellasanyone,andonwhichIknewIshouldbedelightedtoconsulthim,Iresolvedtomakeitasubjectofdiscussiononourjourneyhome.Forthepresentwehadenoughtodo,intakingleaveofallourfriends.Mr.Barkiswasfarfrombeingthelastamongthem,inhisregretatourdeparture;andIbelievewouldevenhaveopenedtheboxagain,andsacrificedanotherguinea,ifitwouldhavekeptuseight-and-fortyhoursinYarmouth.Peggottyandallherfamilywerefullofgriefatourgoing.ThewholehouseofOmerandJoramturnedouttobidusgood-bye;andthereweresomanyseafaringvolunteersinattendanceonSteerforth,whenourportmanteauxwenttothecoach,thatifwehadhadthebaggageofaregimentwithus,weshouldhardlyhavewantedporterstocarryit.Inaword,wedepartedtotheregretandadmirationofallconcerned,andleftagreatmanypeopleverysorrybehindUS.Doyoustaylonghere,Littimer?'saidI,ashestoodwaitingtoseethecoachstart.'No,sir,'hereplied;'probablynotverylong,sir.'
'Hecanhardlysay,justnow,'observedSteerforth,carelessly.'Heknowswhathehastodo,andhe'lldoit.''ThatIamsurehewill,'saidI.Littimertouchedhishatinacknowledgementofmygoodopinion,andIfeltabouteightyearsold.Hetoucheditoncemore,wishingusagoodjourney;andwelefthimstandingonthepavement,asrespectableamysteryasanypyramidinEgypt.Forsomelittletimeweheldnoconversation,Steerforthbeingunusuallysilent,andIbeingsufficientlyengagedinwondering,withinmyself,whenIshouldseetheoldplacesagain,andwhatnewchangesmighthappentomeortheminthemeanwhile.AtlengthSteerforth,becominggayandtalkativeinamoment,ashecouldbecomeanythinghelikedatanymoment,pulledmebythearm:'Findavoice,David.Whataboutthatletteryouwerespeakingofatbreakfast?''Oh!'saidI,takingitoutofmypocket.'It'sfrommyaunt.''Andwhatdoesshesay,requiringconsideration?'
'Why,sheremindsme,Steerforth,'saidI,'thatIcameoutonthisexpeditiontolookaboutme,andtothinkalittle.''Which,ofcourse,youhavedone?''IndeedIcan'tsayIhave,particularly.Totellyouthetruth,IamafraidIhaveforgottenit.''Well!lookaboutyounow,andmakeupforyournegligence,'saidSteerforth.'Looktotheright,andyou'llseeaflatcountry,withagooddealofmarshinit;looktotheleft,andyou'llseethesame.Looktothefront,andyou'llfindnodifference;looktotherear,andthereitisstill.'Ilaughed,andrepliedthatIsawnosuitableprofessioninthewholeprospect;whichwasperhapstobeattributedtoitsflatness.'Whatsaysourauntonthesubject?'inquiredSteerforth,glancingattheletterinmyhand.'Doesshesuggestanything?''Why,yes,'saidI.'Sheasksme,here,ifIthinkIshouldliketobeaproctor?Whatdoyouthinkofit?'
'Well,Idon'tknow,'repliedSteerforth,coolly.'Youmayaswelldothatasanythingelse,Isuppose?'Icouldnothelplaughingagain,athisbalancingallcallingsandprofessionssoequally;andItoldhimso.'Whatisaproctor,Steerforth?'saidI.'Why,heisasortofmonkishattorney,'repliedSteerforth.'Heis,tosomefadedcourtsheldinDoctors'Commons,-alazyoldnooknearSt.Paul'sChurchyard-whatsolicitorsaretothecourtsoflawandequity.Heisafunctionarywhoseexistence,inthenaturalcourseofthings,wouldhaveterminatedabouttwohundredyearsago.Icantellyoubestwhatheis,bytellingyouwhatDoctors'Commonsis.It'salittleout-of-the-wayplace,wheretheyadministerwhatiscalledecclesiasticallaw,andplayallkindsoftrickswithobsoleteoldmonstersofactsofParliament,whichthree-fourthsoftheworldknownothingabout,andtheotherfourthsupposestohavebeendugup,inafossilstate,inthedaysoftheEdwards.It'saplacethathasanancientmonopolyinsuitsaboutpeople'swillsandpeople'smarriages,anddisputesamongshipsandboats.'
'Nonsense,Steerforth!'Iexclaimed.'Youdon'tmeantosaythatthereisanyaffinitybetweennauticalmattersandecclesiasticalmatters?''Idon't,indeed,mydearboy,'hereturned;'butImeantosaythattheyaremanagedanddecidedbythesamesetofpeople,downinthatsameDoctors'Commons.Youshallgothereoneday,andfindthemblunderingthroughhalfthenauticaltermsinYoung'sDictionary,aproposofthe"Nancy"havingrundownthe"SarahJane",orMr.PeggottyandtheYarmouthboatmenhavingputoffinagaleofwindwithananchorandcabletothe"Nelson"Indiamanindistress;andyoushallgothereanotherday,andfindthemdeepintheevidence,proandcon,respectingaclergymanwhohasmisbehavedhimself;andyoushallfindthejudgeinthenauticalcase,theadvocateintheclergyman'scase,orcontrariwise.Theyarelikeactors:nowaman'sajudge,andnowheisnotajudge;nowhe'sonething,nowhe'sanother;nowhe'ssomethingelse,changeandchangeabout;butit'salwaysaverypleasant,profitablelittleaffairofprivatetheatricals,presentedtoanuncommonlyselectaudience.''Butadvocatesandproctorsarenotoneandthesame?'saidI,alittlepuzzled.'Arethey?'
'No,'returnedSteerforth,'theadvocatesarecivilians-menwhohavetakenadoctor'sdegreeatcollege-whichisthefirstreasonofmyknowinganythingaboutit.Theproctorsemploytheadvocates.Bothgetverycomfortablefees,andaltogethertheymakeamightysnuglittleparty.Onthewhole,IwouldrecommendyoutotaketoDoctors'Commonskindly,David.Theyplumethem-selvesontheirgentilitythere,Icantellyou,ifthat'sanysatisfaction.'ImadeallowanceforSteerforth'slightwayoftreatingthesubject,and,consideringitwithreferencetothestaidairofgravityandantiquitywhichIassociatedwiththat'lazyoldnooknearSt.Paul'sChurchyard',didnotfeelindisposedtowardsmyaunt'ssuggestion;whichshelefttomyfreedecision,makingnoscrupleoftellingmethatithadoccurredtoher,onherlatelyvisitingherownproctorinDoctors'Commonsforthepurposeofsettlingherwillinmyfavour.'That'salaudableproceedingonthepartofouraunt,atallevents,'saidSteerforth,whenImentionedit;'andonedeservingofallencouragement.Daisy,myadviceisthatyoutakekindlytoDoctors'Commons.'
Iquitemadeupmymindtodoso.IthentoldSteerforththatmyauntwasintownawaitingme(asIfoundfromherletter),andthatshehadtakenlodgingsforaweekatakindofprivatehotelatLincoln'sInnFields,wheretherewasastonestaircase,andaconvenientdoorintheroof;myauntbeingfirmlypersuadedthateveryhouseinLondonwasgoingtobeburntdowneverynight.Weachievedtherestofourjourneypleasantly,sometimesrecurringtoDoctors'Commons,andanticipatingthedistantdayswhenIshouldbeaproctorthere,whichSteerforthpicturedinavarietyofhumorousandwhimsicallights,thatmadeusbothmerry.Whenwecametoourjourney'send,hewenthome,engagingtocalluponmenextdaybutone;andIdrovetoLincoln'sInnFields,whereIfoundmyauntup,andwaitingsupper.IfIhadbeenroundtheworldsinceweparted,wecouldhardlyhavebeenbetterpleasedtomeetagain.Myauntcriedoutrightassheembracedme;andsaid,pretendingtolaugh,thatifmypoormotherhadbeenalive,thatsillylittlecreaturewouldhaveshedtears,shehadnodoubt.'SoyouhaveleftMr.Dickbehind,aunt?'saidI.'Iamsorryfor
that.Ah,Janet,howdoyoudo?'AsJanetcurtsied,hopingIwaswell,Iobservedmyaunt'svisagelengthenverymuch.'Iamsorryforit,too,'saidmyaunt,rubbinghernose.'Ihavehadnopeaceofmind,Trot,sinceIhavebeenhere.'BeforeIcouldaskwhy,shetoldme.'Iamconvinced,'saidmyaunt,layingherhandwithmelancholyfirmnessonthetable,'thatDick'scharacterisnotacharactertokeepthedonkeysoff.Iamconfidenthewantsstrengthofpurpose.IoughttohaveleftJanetathome,instead,andthenmymindmightperhapshavebeenatease.Ifevertherewasadonkeytrespassingonmygreen,'saidmyaunt,withemphasis,'therewasonethisafternoonatfouro'clock.Acoldfeelingcameovermefromheadtofoot,andIknowitwasadonkey!'Itriedtocomfortheronthispoint,butsherejectedconsolation.'Itwasadonkey,'saidmyaunt;'anditwastheonewiththestumpytailwhichthatMurderingsisterofawomanrode,whenshecametomyhouse.'Thishadbeen,eversince,theonlynamemy
auntknewforMissMurdstone.'IfthereisanyDonkeyinDover,whoseaudacityitishardertometobearthananother's,that,'saidmyaunt,strikingthetable,'istheanimal!'Janetventuredtosuggestthatmyauntmightbedisturbingherselfunnecessarily,andthatshebelievedthedonkeyinquestionwasthenengagedinthesand-and-gravellineofbusiness,andwasnotavailableforpurposesoftrespass.Butmyauntwouldn'thearofit.Supperwascomfortablyservedandhot,thoughmyaunt'sroomswereveryhighup-whetherthatshemighthavemorestonestairsforhermoney,ormightbenearertothedoorintheroof,Idon'tknow-andconsistedofaroastfowl,asteak,andsomevegetables,toallofwhichIdidamplejustice,andwhichwereallexcellent.ButmyaunthadherownideasconcerningLondonprovision,andatebutlittle.'Isupposethisunfortunatefowlwasbornandbroughtupinacellar,'saidmyaunt,'andnevertooktheairexceptonahackneycoach-stand.Ihopethesteakmaybebeef,butIdon'tbelieveit.Nothing'sgenuineintheplace,inmyopinion,butthedirt.'
'Don'tyouthinkthefowlmayhavecomeoutofthecountry,aunt?'Ihinted.'Certainlynot,'returnedmyaunt.'ItwouldbenopleasuretoaLondontradesmantosellanythingwhichwaswhathepretendeditwas.'Ididnotventuretocontrovertthisopinion,butImadeagoodsupper,whichitgreatlysatisfiedhertoseemedo.Whenthetablewascleared,Janetassistedhertoarrangeherhair,toputonhernightcap,whichwasofasmarterconstructionthanusual('incaseoffire',myauntsaid),andtofoldhergownbackoverherknees,thesebeingherusualpreparationsforwarmingherselfbeforegoingtobed.Ithenmadeher,accordingtocertainestablishedregulationsfromwhichnodeviation,howeverslight,couldeverbepermitted,aglassofhotwineandwater,andasliceoftoastcutintolongthinstrips.Withtheseaccompanimentswewereleftalonetofinishtheevening,myauntsittingoppositetomedrinkingherwineandwater;soakingherstripsoftoastinit,onebyone,beforeeatingthem;andlookingbenignantlyonme,fromamongthebordersofhernightcap.'Well,Trot,'shebegan,'whatdoyouthinkoftheproctorplan?
Orhaveyounotbeguntothinkaboutityet?''Ihavethoughtagooddealaboutit,mydearaunt,andIhavetalkedagooddealaboutitwithSteerforth.Ilikeitverymuchindeed.Ilikeitexceedingly.''Come!'saidmyaunt.'That'scheering!''Ihaveonlyonedifficulty,aunt.''Saywhatitis,Trot,'shereturned.'Why,Iwanttoask,aunt,asthisseems,fromwhatIunderstand,tobealimitedprofession,whethermyentranceintoitwouldnotbeveryexpensive?''Itwillcost,'returnedmyaunt,'toarticleyou,justathousandpounds.''Now,mydearaunt,'saidI,drawingmychairnearer,'Iamuneasyinmymindaboutthat.It'salargesumofmoney.Youhaveexpendedagreatdealonmyeducation,andhavealwaysbeenasliberaltomeinallthingsasitwaspossibletobe.Youhave
beenthesoulofgenerosity.SurelytherearesomewaysinwhichImightbeginlifewithhardlyanyoutlay,andyetbeginwithagoodhopeofgettingonbyresolutionandexertion.Areyousurethatitwouldnotbebettertotrythatcourse?Areyoucertainthatyoucanaffordtopartwithsomuchmoney,andthatitisrightthatitshouldbesoexpended?Ionlyaskyou,mysecondmother,toconsider.Areyoucertain?'Myauntfinishedeatingthepieceoftoastonwhichshewasthenengaged,lookingmefullinthefaceallthewhile;andthensettingherglassonthechimney-piece,andfoldingherhandsuponherfoldedskirts,repliedasfollows:'Trot,mychild,ifIhaveanyobjectinlife,itistoprovideforyourbeingagood,asensible,andahappyman.Iambentuponit-soisDick.IshouldlikesomepeoplethatIknowtohearDick'sconversationonthesubject.Itssagacityiswonderful.Butnooneknowstheresourcesofthatman'sintellect,exceptmyself!'Shestoppedforamomenttotakemyhandbetweenhers,andwenton:'It'sinvain,Trot,torecallthepast,unlessitworkssomeinfluenceuponthepresent.PerhapsImighthavebeenbetter
friendswithyourpoorfather.PerhapsImighthavebeenbetterfriendswiththatpoorchildyourmother,evenafteryoursisterBetseyTrotwooddisappointedme.Whenyoucametome,alittlerunawayboy,alldustyandway-worn,perhapsIthoughtso.Fromthattimeuntilnow,Trot,youhaveeverbeenacredittomeandaprideandapleasure.Ihavenootherclaimuponmymeans;atleast'-heretomysurpriseshehesitated,andwasconfused-'no,Ihavenootherclaimuponmymeans-andyouaremyadoptedchild.Onlybealovingchildtomeinmyage,andbearwithmywhimsandfancies;andyouwilldomoreforanoldwomanwhoseprimeoflifewasnotsohappyorconciliatingasitmighthavebeen,thaneverthatoldwomandidforyou.'ItwasthefirsttimeIhadheardmyauntrefertoherpasthistory.Therewasamagnanimityinherquietwayofdoingso,andofdismissingit,whichwouldhaveexaltedherinmyrespectandaffection,ifanythingcould.'Allisagreedandunderstoodbetweenus,now,Trot,'saidmyaunt,'andweneedtalkofthisnomore.Givemeakiss,andwe'llgototheCommonsafterbreakfasttomorrow.'Wehadalongchatbythefirebeforewewenttobed.Isleptin
aroomonthesamefloorwithmyaunt's,andwasalittledisturbedinthecourseofthenightbyherknockingatmydoorasoftenasshewasagitatedbyadistantsoundofhackney-coachesormarket-carts,andinquiring,'ifIheardtheengines?'Buttowardsmorningshesleptbetter,andsufferedmetodosotoo.Ataboutmid-day,wesetoutfortheofficeofMessrsSpenlowandJorkins,inDoctors'Commons.Myaunt,whohadthisothergeneralopinioninreferencetoLondon,thateverymanshesawwasapickpocket,gavemeherpursetocarryforher,whichhadtenguineasinitandsomesilver.WemadeapauseatthetoyshopinFleetStreet,toseethegiantsofSaintDunstan'sstrikeuponthebells-wehadtimedourgoing,soastocatchthematit,attwelveo'clock-andthenwentontowardsLudgateHill,andSt.Paul'sChurchyard.Wewerecrossingtotheformerplace,whenIfoundthatmyauntgreatlyacceleratedherspeed,andlookedfrightened.Iobserved,atthesametime,thataloweringill-dressedmanwhohadstoppedandstaredatusinpassing,alittlebefore,wascomingsocloseafterusastobrushagainsther.'Trot!MydearTrot!'criedmyaunt,inaterrifiedwhisper,and
pressingmyarm.'Idon'tknowwhatIamtodo.''Don'tbealarmed,'saidI.'There'snothingtobeafraidof.Stepintoashop,andI'llsoongetridofthisfellow.''No,no,child!'shereturned.'Don'tspeaktohimfortheworld.Ientreat,Iorderyou!''GoodHeaven,aunt!'saidI.'Heisnothingbutasturdybeggar.''Youdon'tknowwhatheis!'repliedmyaunt.'Youdon'tknowwhoheis!Youdon'tknowwhatyousay!'Wehadstoppedinanemptydoor-way,whilethiswaspassing,andhehadstoppedtoo.'Don'tlookathim!'saidmyaunt,asIturnedmyheadindignantly,'butgetmeacoach,mydear,andwaitformeinSt.Paul'sChurchyard.''Waitforyou?'Ireplied.
'Yes,'rejoinedmyaunt.'Imustgoalone.Imustgowithhim.''Withhim,aunt?Thisman?''Iaminmysenses,'shereplied,'andItellyouImust.Getmeacoach!'HowevermuchastonishedImightbe,IwassensiblethatIhadnorighttorefusecompliancewithsuchaperemptorycommand.Ihurriedawayafewpaces,andcalledahackney-chariotwhichwaspassingempty.AlmostbeforeIcouldletdownthesteps,myauntsprangin,Idon'tknowhow,andthemanfollowed.Shewavedherhandtometogoaway,soearnestly,that,allconfoundedasIwas,Iturnedfromthematonce.Indoingso,Iheardhersaytothecoachman,'Driveanywhere!Drivestraighton!'andpresentlythechariotpassedme,goingupthehill.WhatMr.Dickhadtoldme,andwhatIhadsupposedtobeadelusionofhis,nowcameintomymind.Icouldnotdoubtthatthispersonwasthepersonofwhomhehadmadesuchmysteriousmention,thoughwhatthenatureofhisholduponmyauntcouldpossiblybe,Iwasquiteunabletoimagine.Afterhalfanhour'scoolinginthechurchyard,Isawthechariotcomingback.Thedriverstopped
besideme,andmyauntwassittinginitalone.Shehadnotyetsufficientlyrecoveredfromheragitationtobequitepreparedforthevisitwehadtomake.Shedesiredmetogetintothechariot,andtotellthecoachmantodriveslowlyupanddownalittlewhile.Shesaidnomore,except,'Mydearchild,neveraskmewhatitwas,anddon'trefertoit,'untilshehadperfectlyregainedhercomposure,whenshetoldmeshewasquiteherselfnow,andwemightgetout.Onhergivingmeherpursetopaythedriver,Ifoundthatalltheguineasweregone,andonlytheloosesilverremained.Doctors'Commonswasapproachedbyalittlelowarchway.Beforewehadtakenmanypacesdownthestreetbeyondit,thenoiseofthecityseemedtomelt,asifbymagic,intoasofteneddistance.Afewdullcourtsandnarrowwaysbroughtustothesky-lightedofficesofSpenlowandJorkins;inthevestibuleofwhichtemple,accessibletopilgrimswithouttheceremonyofknocking,threeorfourclerkswereatworkascopyists.Oneofthese,alittledryman,sittingbyhimself,whoworeastiffbrownwigthatlookedasifitweremadeofgingerbread,rosetoreceivemyaunt,andshowusintoMr.Spenlow'sroom.
'Mr.Spenlow'sinCourt,ma'am,'saidthedryman;'it'sanArchesday;butit'scloseby,andI'llsendforhimdirectly.'AswewerelefttolookaboutuswhileMr.Spenlowwasfetched,Iavailedmyselfoftheopportunity.Thefurnitureoftheroomwasold-fashionedanddusty;andthegreenbaizeonthetopofthewriting-tablehadlostallitscolour,andwasaswitheredandpaleasanoldpauper.Therewereagreatmanybundlesofpapersonit,someendorsedasAllegations,andsome(tomysurprise)asLibels,andsomeasbeingintheConsistoryCourt,andsomeintheArchesCourt,andsomeinthePrerogativeCourt,andsomeintheAdmiraltyCourt,andsomeintheDelegates'Court;givingmeoccasiontowondermuch,howmanyCourtstheremightbeinthegross,andhowlongitwouldtaketounderstandthemall.Besidesthese,thereweresundryimmensemanuscriptBooksofEvidencetakenonaffidavit,stronglybound,andtiedtogetherinmassivesets,asettoeachcause,asifeverycausewereahistoryintenortwentyvolumes.Allthislookedtolerablyexpensive,Ithought,andgavemeanagreeablenotionofaproctor'sbusiness.Iwascastingmyeyeswithincreasingcomplacencyovertheseandmanysimilarobjects,whenhastyfootstepswereheardintheroomoutside,andMr.Spenlow,inablackgowntrimmedwithwhitefur,camehurryingin,takingoffhishatashecame.
Hewasalittlelight-hairedgentleman,withundeniableboots,andthestiffestofwhitecravatsandshirt-collars.Hewasbuttonedup,mightytrimandtight,andmusthavetakenagreatdealofpainswithhiswhiskers,whichwereaccuratelycurled.Hisgoldwatch-chainwassomassive,thatafancycameacrossme,thatheoughttohaveasinewygoldenarm,todrawitoutwith,likethosewhichareputupoverthegoldbeaters'shops.Hewasgotupwithsuchcare,andwassostiff,thathecouldhardlybendhimself;beingobliged,whenheglancedatsomepapersonhisdesk,aftersittingdowninhischair,tomovehiswholebody,fromthebottomofhisspine,likePunch.Ihadpreviouslybeenpresentedbymyaunt,andhadbeencourteouslyreceived.Henowsaid:'Andso,Mr.Copperfield,youthinkofenteringintoourprofession?IcasuallymentionedtoMissTrotwood,whenIhadthepleasureofaninterviewwithhertheotherday,'-withanotherinclinationofhisbody-Punchagain-'thattherewasavacancyhere.MissTrotwoodwasgoodenoughtomentionthatshehadanephewwhowasherpeculiarcare,andforwhomshewasseekingtoprovidegenteellyinlife.Thatnephew,Ibelieve,Ihavenowthe
pleasureof'-Punchagain.Ibowedmyacknowledgements,andsaid,myaunthadmentionedtomethattherewasthatopening,andthatIbelievedIshouldlikeitverymuch.ThatIwasstronglyinclinedtolikeit,andhadtakenimmediatelytotheproposal.ThatIcouldnotabsolutelypledgemyselftolikeit,untilIknewsomethingmoreaboutit.Thatalthoughitwaslittleelsethanamatterofform,IpresumedIshouldhaveanopportunityoftryinghowIlikedit,beforeIboundmyselftoitirrevocably.'Ohsurely!surely!'saidMr.Spenlow.'Wealways,inthishouse,proposeamonth-aninitiatorymonth.Ishouldbehappy,myself,toproposetwomonths-three-anindefiniteperiod,infact-butIhaveapartner.Mr.Jorkins.''Andthepremium,sir,'Ireturned,'isathousandpounds?''Andthepremium,Stampincluded,isathousandpounds,'saidMr.Spenlow.'AsIhavementionedtoMissTrotwood,Iamactuatedbynomercenaryconsiderations;fewmenarelessso,Ibelieve;butMr.Jorkinshashisopinionsonthesesubjects,andIamboundtorespectMr.Jorkins'sopinions.Mr.Jorkinsthinksathousandpoundstoolittle,inshort.'
'Isuppose,sir,'saidI,stilldesiringtosparemyaunt,'thatitisnotthecustomhere,ifanarticledclerkwereparticularlyuseful,andmadehimselfaperfectmasterofhisprofession'-Icouldnothelpblushing,thislookedsolikepraisingmyself-'Isupposeitisnotthecustom,inthelateryearsofhistime,toallowhimany-'Mr.Spenlow,byagreateffort,justliftedhisheadfarenoughoutofhiscravattoshakeit,andanswered,anticipatingtheword'salary':'No.IwillnotsaywhatconsiderationImightgivetothatpointmyself,Mr.Copperfield,ifIwereunfettered.Mr.Jorkinsisimmovable.'IwasquitedismayedbytheideaofthisterribleJorkins.ButIfoundoutafterwardsthathewasamildmanofaheavytemperament,whoseplaceinthebusinesswastokeephimselfinthebackground,andbeconstantlyexhibitedbynameasthemostobdurateandruthlessofmen.Ifaclerkwantedhissalaryraised,Mr.Jorkinswouldn'tlistentosuchaproposition.Ifaclientwereslowtosettlehisbillofcosts,Mr.Jorkinswasresolvedtohaveitpaid;
andhoweverpainfulthesethingsmightbe(andalwayswere)tothefeelingsofMr.Spenlow,Mr.Jorkinswouldhavehisbond.TheheartandhandofthegoodangelSpenlowwouldhavebeenalwaysopen,butfortherestrainingdemonJorkins.AsIhavegrownolder,IthinkIhavehadexperienceofsomeotherhousesdoingbusinessontheprincipleofSpenlowandJorkins!ItwassettledthatIshouldbeginmymonth'sprobationassoonasIpleased,andthatmyauntneedneitherremainintownnorreturnatitsexpiration,asthearticlesofagreement,ofwhichIwastobethesubject,couldeasilybesenttoherathomeforhersignature.Whenwehadgotsofar,Mr.SpenlowofferedtotakemeintoCourtthenandthere,andshowmewhatsortofplaceitwas.AsIwaswillingenoughtoknow,wewentoutwiththisobject,leavingmyauntbehind;whowouldtrustherself,shesaid,innosuchplace,andwho,Ithink,regardedallCourtsofLawasasortofpowder-millsthatmightblowupatanytime.Mr.Spenlowconductedmethroughapavedcourtyardformedofgravebrickhouses,whichIinferred,fromtheDoctors'namesuponthedoors,tobetheofficialabiding-placesofthelearnedadvocatesofwhomSteerforthhadtoldme;andintoalargedullroom,notunlikeachapeltomythinking,onthelefthand.Theupperpart
ofthisroomwasfencedofffromtherest;andthere,onthetwosidesofaraisedplatformofthehorse-shoeform,sittingoneasyold-fashioneddining-roomchairs,weresundrygentlemeninredgownsandgreywigs,whomIfoundtobetheDoctorsaforesaid.Blinkingoveralittledesklikeapulpit-desk,inthecurveofthehorse-shoe,wasanoldgentleman,whom,ifIhadseenhiminanaviary,Ishouldcertainlyhavetakenforanowl,butwho,Ilearned,wasthepresidingjudge.Inthespacewithinthehorse-shoe,lowerthanthese,thatistosay,onaboutthelevelofthefloor,weresundryothergentlemen,ofMr.Spenlow'srank,anddressedlikehiminblackgownswithwhitefuruponthem,sittingatalonggreentable.Theircravatswereingeneralstiff,Ithought,andtheirlookshaughty;butinthislastrespectIpresentlyconceivedIhaddonethemaninjustice,forwhentwoorthreeofthemhadtoriseandansweraquestionofthepresidingdignitary,Ineversawanythingmoresheepish.Thepublic,representedbyaboywithacomforter,andashabby-genteelmansecretlyeatingcrumbsoutofhiscoatpockets,waswarmingitselfatastoveinthecentreoftheCourt.ThelanguidstillnessoftheplacewasonlybrokenbythechirpingofthisfireandbythevoiceofoneoftheDoctors,whowaswanderingslowlythroughaperfectlibraryofevidence,andstoppingtoputup,fromtimetotime,atlittleroadsideinnsofargumentonthejourney.
Altogether,Ihavenever,onanyoccasion,madeoneatsuchacosey,dosey,old-fashioned,time-forgotten,sleepy-headedlittlefamily-partyinallmylife;andIfeltitwouldbequiteasoothingopiatetobelongtoitinanycharacter-exceptperhapsasasuitor.Verywellsatisfiedwiththedreamynatureofthisretreat,IinformedMr.SpenlowthatIhadseenenoughforthattime,andwerejoinedmyaunt;incompanywithwhomIpresentlydepartedfromtheCommons,feelingveryyoungwhenIwentoutofSpenlowandJorkins's,onaccountoftheclerkspokingoneanotherwiththeirpenstopointmeout.WearrivedatLincoln'sInnFieldswithoutanynewadventures,exceptencounteringanunluckydonkeyinacostermonger'scart,whosuggestedpainfulassociationstomyaunt.Wehadanotherlongtalkaboutmyplans,whenweweresafelyhoused;andasIknewshewasanxioustogethome,and,betweenfire,food,andpickpockets,couldneverbeconsideredathereaseforhalf-an-hourinLondon,Iurgedhernottobeuncomfortableonmyaccount,buttoleavemetotakecareofmyself.'Ihavenotbeenhereaweektomorrow,withoutconsideringthat
too,mydear,'shereturned.'ThereisafurnishedlittlesetofchamberstobeletintheAdelphi,Trot,whichoughttosuityoutoamarvel.'Withthisbriefintroduction,sheproducedfromherpocketanadvertisement,carefullycutoutofanewspaper,settingforththatinBuckinghamStreetintheAdelphitherewastobeletfurnished,withaviewoftheriver,asingularlydesirable,andcompactsetofchambers,formingagenteelresidenceforayounggentleman,amemberofoneoftheInnsofCourt,orotherwise,withimmediatepossession.Termsmoderate,andcouldbetakenforamonthonly,ifrequired.'Why,thisistheverything,aunt!'saidI,flushedwiththepossibledignityoflivinginchambers.'Thencome,'repliedmyaunt,immediatelyresumingthebonnetshehadaminutebeforelaidaside.'We'llgoandlookat'em.'Awaywewent.TheadvertisementdirectedustoapplytoMrs.Crupponthepremises,andwerungtheareabell,whichwesupposedtocommunicatewithMrs.Crupp.ItwasnotuntilwehadrungthreeorfourtimesthatwecouldprevailonMrs.Crupptocommunicatewith
us,butatlastsheappeared,beingastoutladywithaflounceofflannelpetticoatbelowanankeengown.'Letusseethesechambersofyours,ifyouplease,ma'am,'saidmyaunt.'Forthisgentleman?'saidMrs.Crupp,feelinginherpocketforherkeys.'Yes,formynephew,'saidmyaunt.'Andasweetsettheyisforsich!'saidMrs.Crupp.Sowewentupstairs.Theywereonthetopofthehouse-agreatpointwithmyaunt,beingnearthefire-escape-andconsistedofalittlehalf-blindentrywhereyoucouldseehardlyanything,alittlestone-blindpantrywhereyoucouldseenothingatall,asitting-room,andabedroom.Thefurniturewasratherfaded,butquitegoodenoughforme;and,sureenough,theriverwasoutsidethewindows.AsIwasdelightedwiththeplace,myauntandMrs.Cruppwithdrew
intothepantrytodiscusstheterms,whileIremainedonthesitting-roomsofa,hardlydaringtothinkitpossiblethatIcouldbedestinedtoliveinsuchanobleresidence.Afterasinglecombatofsomedurationtheyreturned,andIsaw,tomyjoy,bothinMrs.Crupp'scountenanceandinmyaunt's,thatthedeedwasdone.'Isitthelastoccupant'sfurniture?'inquiredmyaunt.'Yes,itis,ma'am,'saidMrs.Crupp.'What'sbecomeofhim?'askedmyaunt.Mrs.Cruppwastakenwithatroublesomecough,inthemidstofwhichshearticulatedwithmuchdifficulty.'Hewastookillhere,ma'am,and-ugh!ugh!ugh!dearme!-andhedied!''Hey!Whatdidhedieof?'askedmyaunt.'Well,ma'am,hediedofdrink,'saidMrs.Crupp,inconfidence.'Andsmoke.''Smoke?Youdon'tmeanchimneys?'saidmyaunt.
'No,ma'am,'returnedMrs.Crupp.'Cigarsandpipes.''That'snotcatching,Trot,atanyrate,'remarkedmyaunt,turningtome.'No,indeed,'saidI.Inshort,myaunt,seeinghowenrapturedIwaswiththepremises,tookthemforamonth,withleavetoremainfortwelvemonthswhenthattimewasout.Mrs.Cruppwastofindlinen,andtocook;everyothernecessarywasalreadyprovided;andMrs.Cruppexpresslyintimatedthatsheshouldalwaysyearntowardsmeasason.Iwastotakepossessionthedayaftertomorrow,andMrs.Cruppsaid,thankHeavenshehadnowfoundsummunshecouldcarefor!Onourwayback,myauntinformedmehowsheconfidentlytrustedthatthelifeIwasnowtoleadwouldmakemefirmandself-reliant,whichwasallIwanted.Sherepeatedthisseveraltimesnextday,intheintervalsofourarrangingforthetransmissionofmyclothesandbooksfromMr.Wickfield's;relativetowhich,andtoallmylateholiday,Iwrotealongletterto
Agnes,ofwhichmyaunttookcharge,asshewastoleaveonthesucceedingday.Nottolengthentheseparticulars,Ineedonlyadd,thatshemadeahandsomeprovisionforallmypossiblewantsduringmymonthoftrial;thatSteerforth,tomygreatdisappointmentandherstoo,didnotmakehisappearancebeforeshewentaway;thatIsawhersafelyseatedintheDovercoach,exultinginthecomingdiscomfitureofthevagrantdonkeys,withJanetatherside;andthatwhenthecoachwasgone,IturnedmyfacetotheAdelphi,ponderingontheolddayswhenIusedtoroamaboutitssubterraneanarches,andonthehappychangeswhichhadbroughtmetothesurface.CHAPTER24MYFIRSTDISSIPATIONItwasawonderfullyfinethingtohavethatloftycastletomyself,andtofeel,whenIshutmyouterdoor,likeRobinsonCrusoe,whenhehadgotintohisfortification,andpulledhisladderupafterhim.Itwasawonderfullyfinethingtowalkabouttownwiththekeyofmyhouseinmypocket,andtoknowthatIcouldaskanyfellowtocomehome,andmakequitesureofitsbeing
inconvenienttonobody,ifitwerenotsotome.Itwasawonderfullyfinethingtoletmyselfinandout,andtocomeandgowithoutawordtoanyone,andtoringMrs.Cruppup,gasping,fromthedepthsoftheearth,whenIwantedher-andwhenshewasdisposedtocome.Allthis,Isay,waswonderfullyfine;butImustsay,too,thatthereweretimeswhenitwasverydreary.Itwasfineinthemorning,particularlyinthefinemornings.Itlookedaveryfresh,freelife,bydaylight:stillfresher,andmorefree,bysunlight.Butasthedaydeclined,thelifeseemedtogodowntoo.Idon'tknowhowitwas;itseldomlookedwellbycandle-light.Iwantedsomebodytotalkto,then.ImissedAgnes.Ifoundatremendousblank,intheplaceofthatsmilingrepositoryofmyconfidence.Mrs.Cruppappearedtobealongwayoff.Ithoughtaboutmypredecessor,whohaddiedofdrinkandsmoke;andIcouldhavewishedhehadbeensogoodastolive,andnotbothermewithhisdecease.Aftertwodaysandnights,IfeltasifIhadlivedthereforayear,andyetIwasnotanhourolder,butwasquiteasmuchtormentedbymyownyouthfulnessasever.Steerforthnotyetappearing,whichinducedmetoapprehendthathe
mustbeill,IlefttheCommonsearlyonthethirdday,andwalkedouttoHighgate.Mrs.Steerforthwasverygladtoseeme,andsaidthathehadgoneawaywithoneofhisOxfordfriendstoseeanotherwholivednearSt.Albans,butthatsheexpectedhimtoreturntomorrow.Iwassofondofhim,thatIfeltquitejealousofhisOxfordfriends.Asshepressedmetostaytodinner,Iremained,andIbelievewetalkedaboutnothingbuthimallday.ItoldherhowmuchthepeoplelikedhimatYarmouth,andwhatadelightfulcompanionhehadbeen.MissDartlewasfullofhintsandmysteriousquestions,buttookagreatinterestinallourproceedingsthere,andsaid,'Wasitreallythough?'andsoforth,sooften,thatshegoteverythingoutofmeshewantedtoknow.HerappearancewasexactlywhatIhavedescribedit,whenIfirstsawher;butthesocietyofthetwoladieswassoagreeable,andcamesonaturaltome,thatIfeltmyselffallingalittleinlovewithher.Icouldnothelpthinking,severaltimesinthecourseoftheevening,andparticularlywhenIwalkedhomeatnight,whatdelightfulcompanyshewouldbeinBuckinghamStreet.Iwastakingmycoffeeandrollinthemorning,beforegoingtotheCommons-andImayobserveinthisplacethatitissurprisinghow
muchcoffeeMrs.Cruppused,andhowweakitwas,considering-whenSteerforthhimselfwalkedin,tomyunboundedjoy.'MydearSteerforth,'criedI,'IbegantothinkIshouldneverseeyouagain!''Iwascarriedoff,byforceofarms,'saidSteerforth,'theverynextmorningafterIgothome.Why,Daisy,whatarareoldbacheloryouarehere!'Ishowedhimovertheestablishment,notomittingthepantry,withnolittlepride,andhecommendedithighly.'Itellyouwhat,oldboy,'headded,'Ishallmakequiteatown-houseofthisplace,unlessyougivemenoticetoquit.'Thiswasadelightfulhearing.Itoldhimifhewaitedforthat,hewouldhavetowaittilldoomsday.'Butyoushallhavesomebreakfast!'saidI,withmyhandonthebell-rope,'andMrs.Cruppshallmakeyousomefreshcoffee,andI'lltoastyousomebaconinabachelor'sDutch-oven,thatIhavegothere.'
'No,no!'saidSteerforth.'Don'tring!Ican't!IamgoingtobreakfastwithoneofthesefellowswhoisatthePiazzaHotel,inCoventGarden.''Butyou'llcomebacktodinner?'saidI.'Ican't,uponmylife.There'snothingIshouldlikebetter,butImustremainwiththesetwofellows.Weareallthreeofftogethertomorrowmorning.''Thenbringthemheretodinner,'Ireturned.'Doyouthinktheywouldcome?''Oh!theywouldcomefastenough,'saidSteerforth;'butweshouldinconvenienceyou.Youhadbettercomeanddinewithussomewhere.'Iwouldnotbyanymeansconsenttothis,foritoccurredtomethatIreallyoughttohavealittlehouse-warming,andthattherenevercouldbeabetteropportunity.Ihadanewprideinmyroomsafterhisapprovalofthem,andburnedwithadesiretodeveloptheirutmostresources.Ithereforemadehimpromisepositivelyinthenamesofhistwofriends,andweappointedsixo'clockasthe
dinner-hour.Whenhewasgone,IrangforMrs.Crupp,andacquaintedherwithmydesperatedesign.Mrs.Cruppsaid,inthefirstplace,ofcourseitwaswellknownshecouldn'tbeexpectedtowait,butsheknewahandyyoungman,whoshethoughtcouldbeprevailedupontodoit,andwhosetermswouldbefiveshillings,andwhatIpleased.Isaid,certainlywewouldhavehim.NextMrs.Cruppsaiditwasclearshecouldn'tbeintwoplacesatonce(whichIfelttobereasonable),andthat'ayounggal'stationedinthepantrywithabedroomcandle,therenevertodesistfromwashingplates,wouldbeindispensable.Isaid,whatwouldbetheexpenseofthisyoungfemale?andMrs.Cruppsaidshesupposedeighteenpencewouldneithermakemenorbreakme.IsaidIsupposednot;andTHATwassettled.ThenMrs.Cruppsaid,Nowaboutthedinner.ItwasaremarkableinstanceofwantofforethoughtonthepartoftheironmongerwhohadmadeMrs.Crupp'skitchenfireplace,thatitwascapableofcookingnothingbutchopsandmashedpotatoes.Astoafish-kittle,Mrs.Cruppsaid,well!wouldIonlycomeandlookattherange?Shecouldn'tsayfairerthanthat.WouldIcomeandlookatit?AsIshouldnothavebeenmuchthewiserifIHADlookedatit,Ideclined,andsaid,'Nevermindfish.'ButMrs.
Cruppsaid,Don'tsaythat;oysterswasin,whynotthem?SoTHATwassettled.Mrs.Cruppthensaidwhatshewouldrecommendwouldbethis.Apairofhotroastfowls-fromthepastry-cook's;adishofstewedbeef,withvegetables-fromthepastry-cook's;twolittlecornerthings,asaraisedpieandadishofkidneys-fromthepastrycook's;atart,and(ifIliked)ashapeofjelly-fromthepastrycook's.This,Mrs.Cruppsaid,wouldleaveheratfulllibertytoconcentratehermindonthepotatoes,andtoserveupthecheeseandceleryasshecouldwishtoseeitdone.IactedonMrs.Crupp'sopinion,andgavetheorderatthepastry-cook'smyself.WalkingalongtheStrand,afterwards,andobservingahardmottledsubstanceinthewindowofahamandbeefshop,whichresembledmarble,butwaslabelled'MockTurtle',Iwentinandboughtaslabofit,whichIhavesinceseenreasontobelievewouldhavesufficedforfifteenpeople.Thispreparation,Mrs.Crupp,aftersomedifficulty,consentedtowarmup;anditshrunksomuchinaliquidstate,thatwefounditwhatSteerforthcalled'ratheratightfit'forfour.Thesepreparationshappilycompleted,IboughtalittledessertinCoventGardenMarket,andgavearatherextensiveorderataretailwine-merchant'sinthatvicinity.WhenIcamehomeinthe
afternoon,andsawthebottlesdrawnupinasquareonthepantryfloor,theylookedsonumerous(thoughthereweretwomissing,whichmadeMrs.Cruppveryuncomfortable),thatIwasabsolutelyfrightenedatthem.OneofSteerforth'sfriendswasnamedGrainger,andtheotherMarkham.Theywerebothverygayandlivelyfellows;Grainger,somethingolderthanSteerforth;Markham,youthful-looking,andIshouldsaynotmorethantwenty.Iobservedthatthelatteralwaysspokeofhimselfindefinitely,as'aman',andseldomorneverinthefirstpersonsingular.'Amanmightgetonverywellhere,Mr.Copperfield,'saidMarkham-meaninghimself.'It'snotabadsituation,'saidI,'andtheroomsarereallycommodious.''Ihopeyouhavebothbroughtappetiteswithyou?'saidSteerforth.'Uponmyhonour,'returnedMarkham,'townseemstosharpenaman'sappetite.Amanishungryalldaylong.Amanisperpetuallyeating.'
Beingalittleembarrassedatfirst,andfeelingmuchtooyoungtopreside,ImadeSteerforthtaketheheadofthetablewhendinnerwasannounced,andseatedmyselfoppositetohim.Everythingwasverygood;wedidnotsparethewine;andheexertedhimselfsobrilliantlytomakethethingpassoffwell,thattherewasnopauseinourfestivity.IwasnotquitesuchgoodcompanyduringdinnerasIcouldhavewishedtobe,formychairwasoppositethedoor,andmyattentionwasdistractedbyobservingthatthehandyyoungmanwentoutoftheroomveryoften,andthathisshadowalwayspresenteditself,immediatelyafterwards,onthewalloftheentry,withabottleatitsmouth.The'younggal'likewiseoccasionedmesomeuneasiness:notsomuchbyneglectingtowashtheplates,asbybreakingthem.Forbeingofaninquisitivedisposition,andunabletoconfineherself(asherpositiveinstructionswere)tothepantry,shewasconstantlypeeringinatus,andconstantlyimaginingherselfdetected;inwhichbelief,sheseveraltimesretiredupontheplates(withwhichshehadcarefullypavedthefloor),anddidagreatdealofdestruction.These,however,weresmalldrawbacks,andeasilyforgottenwhentheclothwascleared,andthedessertputonthetable;atwhichperiodoftheentertainmentthehandyyoungmanwasdiscoveredto
bespeechless.GivinghimprivatedirectionstoseekthesocietyofMrs.Crupp,andtoremovethe'younggal'tothebasementalso,Iabandonedmyselftoenjoyment.Ibegan,bybeingsingularlycheerfulandlight-hearted;allsortsofhalf-forgottenthingstotalkabout,camerushingintomymind,andmademeholdforthinamostunwontedmanner.Ilaughedheartilyatmyownjokes,andeverybodyelse's;calledSteerforthtoorderfornotpassingthewine;madeseveralengagementstogotoOxford;announcedthatImeanttohaveadinner-partyexactlylikethat,onceaweek,untilfurthernotice;andmadlytooksomuchsnuffoutofGrainger'sbox,thatIwasobligedtogointothepantry,andhaveaprivatefitofsneezingtenminuteslong.Iwenton,bypassingthewinefasterandfasteryet,andcontinuallystartingupwithacorkscrewtoopenmorewine,longbeforeanywasneeded.IproposedSteerforth'shealth.Isaidhewasmydearestfriend,theprotectorofmyboyhood,andthecompanionofmyprime.IsaidIwasdelightedtoproposehishealth.IsaidIowedhimmoreobligationsthanIcouldeverrepay,andheldhiminahigheradmirationthanIcouldeverexpress.Ifinishedbysaying,'I'llgiveyouSteerforth!Godblesshim!Hurrah!'Wegavehimthreetimesthree,andanother,
andagoodonetofinishwith.Ibrokemyglassingoingroundthetabletoshakehandswithhim,andIsaid(intwowords)'Steerforth-you'retheguidingstarofmyexistence.'Iwenton,byfindingsuddenlythatsomebodywasinthemiddleofasong.Markhamwasthesinger,andhesang'Whentheheartofamanisdepressedwithcare'.Hesaid,whenhehadsungit,hewouldgiveus'Woman!'Itookobjectiontothat,andIcouldn'tallowit.Isaiditwasnotarespectfulwayofproposingthetoast,andIwouldneverpermitthattoasttobedrunkinmyhouseotherwisethanas'TheLadies!'Iwasveryhighwithhim,mainlyIthinkbecauseIsawSteerforthandGraingerlaughingatme-orathim-oratbothofus.Hesaidamanwasnottobedictatedto.Isaidamanwas.Hesaidamanwasnottobeinsulted,then.Isaidhewasrightthere-neverundermyroof,wheretheLaresweresacred,andthelawsofhospitalityparamount.Hesaiditwasnoderogationfromaman'sdignitytoconfessthatIwasadevilishgoodfellow.Iinstantlyproposedhishealth.Somebodywassmoking.Wewereallsmoking.Iwassmoking,andtryingtosuppressarisingtendencytoshudder.Steerforthhadmadeaspeechaboutme,inthecourseofwhichIhadbeenaffectedalmosttotears.Ireturnedthanks,andhopedthepresentcompany
woulddinewithmetomorrow,andthedayafter-eachdayatfiveo'clock,thatwemightenjoythepleasuresofconversationandsocietythroughalongevening.Ifeltcalledupontoproposeanindividual.Iwouldgivethemmyaunt.MissBetseyTrotwood,thebestofhersex!Somebodywasleaningoutofmybedroomwindow,refreshinghisforeheadagainstthecoolstoneoftheparapet,andfeelingtheairuponhisface.Itwasmyself.Iwasaddressingmyselfas'Copperfield',andsaying,'Whydidyoutrytosmoke?Youmighthaveknownyoucouldn'tdoit.'Now,somebodywasunsteadilycontemplatinghisfeaturesinthelooking-glass.ThatwasItoo.Iwasverypaleinthelooking-glass;myeyeshadavacantappearance;andmyhair-onlymyhair,nothingelse-lookeddrunk.Somebodysaidtome,'Letusgotothetheatre,Copperfield!'Therewasnobedroombeforeme,butagainthejinglingtablecoveredwithglasses;thelamp;Graingeronmyrighthand,Markhamonmyleft,andSteerforthopposite-allsittinginamist,andalongwayoff.Thetheatre?Tobesure.Theverything.Comealong!ButtheymustexcusemeifIsaweverybodyoutfirst,andturnedthelampoff-incaseoffire.
Owingtosomeconfusioninthedark,thedoorwasgone.Iwasfeelingforitinthewindow-curtains,whenSteerforth,laughing,tookmebythearmandledmeout.Wewentdownstairs,onebehindanother.Nearthebottom,somebodyfell,androlleddown.SomebodyelsesaiditwasCopperfield.Iwasangryatthatfalsereport,until,findingmyselfonmybackinthepassage,Ibegantothinktheremightbesomefoundationforit.Averyfoggynight,withgreatringsroundthelampsinthestreets!Therewasanindistincttalkofitsbeingwet.Iconsidereditfrosty.Steerforthdustedmeunderalamp-post,andputmyhatintoshape,whichsomebodyproducedfromsomewhereinamostextraordinarymanner,forIhadn'thaditonbefore.Steerforththensaid,'Youareallright,Copperfield,areyounot?'andItoldhim,'Neverberrer.'Aman,sittinginapigeon-hole-place,lookedoutofthefog,andtookmoneyfromsomebody,inquiringifIwasoneofthegentlemenpaidfor,andappearingratherdoubtful(asIrememberintheglimpseIhadofhim)whethertotakethemoneyformeornot.Shortlyafterwards,wewereveryhighupinaveryhottheatre,lookingdownintoalargepit,thatseemedtometosmoke;the
peoplewithwhomitwascrammedweresoindistinct.Therewasagreatstage,too,lookingverycleanandsmoothafterthestreets;andtherewerepeopleuponit,talkingaboutsomethingorother,butnotatallintelligibly.Therewasanabundanceofbrightlights,andtherewasmusic,andtherewereladiesdownintheboxes,andIdon'tknowwhatmore.Thewholebuildinglookedtomeasifitwerelearningtoswim;itconducteditselfinsuchanunaccountablemanner,whenItriedtosteadyit.Onsomebody'smotion,weresolvedtogodownstairstothedress-boxes,wheretheladieswere.Agentlemanlounging,fulldressed,onasofa,withanopera-glassinhishand,passedbeforemyview,andalsomyownfigureatfulllengthinaglass.ThenIwasbeingusheredintooneoftheseboxes,andfoundmyselfsayingsomethingasIsatdown,andpeopleaboutmecrying'Silence!'tosomebody,andladiescastingindignantglancesatme,and-what!yes!-Agnes,sittingontheseatbeforeme,inthesamebox,withaladyandgentlemanbesideher,whomIdidn'tknow.Iseeherfacenow,betterthanIdidthen,Idaresay,withitsindeliblelookofregretandwonderturneduponme.'Agnes!'Isaid,thickly,'Lorblessmer!Agnes!'
'Hush!Pray!'sheanswered,Icouldnotconceivewhy.'Youdisturbthecompany.Lookatthestage!'Itried,onherinjunction,tofixit,andtohearsomethingofwhatwasgoingonthere,butquiteinvain.Ilookedatheragainbyandby,andsawhershrinkintohercorner,andputherglovedhandtoherforehead.'Agnes!'Isaid.'I'mafraidyou'renorwell.''Yes,yes.Donotmindme,Trotwood,'shereturned.'Listen!Areyougoingawaysoon?''Amigoarawaysoo?'Irepeated.'Yes.'IhadastupidintentionofreplyingthatIwasgoingtowait,tohandherdownstairs.IsupposeIexpressedit,somehow;foraftershehadlookedatmeattentivelyforalittlewhile,sheappearedtounderstand,andrepliedinalowtone:'IknowyouwilldoasIaskyou,ifItellyouIamveryearnest
init.Goawaynow,Trotwood,formysake,andaskyourfriendstotakeyouhome.'Shehadsofarimprovedme,forthetime,thatthoughIwasangrywithher,Ifeltashamed,andwithashort'Goori!'(whichIintendedfor'Goodnight!')gotupandwentaway.Theyfollowed,andIsteppedatonceoutofthebox-doorintomybedroom,whereonlySteerforthwaswithme,helpingmetoundress,andwhereIwasbyturnstellinghimthatAgneswasmysister,andadjuringhimtobringthecorkscrew,thatImightopenanotherbottleofwine.Howsomebody,lyinginmybed,laysayinganddoingallthisoveragain,atcrosspurposes,inafeverishdreamallnight-thebedarockingseathatwasneverstill!How,asthatsomebodyslowlysettleddownintomyself,didIbegintoparch,andfeelasifmyoutercoveringofskinwereahardboard;mytonguethebottomofanemptykettle,furredwithlongservice,andburningupoveraslowfire;thepalmsofmyhands,hotplatesofmetalwhichnoicecouldcool!Buttheagonyofmind,theremorse,andshameIfeltwhenIbecameconsciousnextday!MyhorrorofhavingcommittedathousandoffencesIhadforgotten,andwhichnothingcouldeverexpiate-my
recollectionofthatindeliblelookwhichAgneshadgivenme-thetorturingimpossibilityofcommunicatingwithher,notknowing,BeastthatIwas,howshecametobeinLondon,orwhereshestayed-mydisgustoftheverysightoftheroomwheretherevelhadbeenheld-myrackinghead-thesmellofsmoke,thesightofglasses,theimpossibilityofgoingout,orevengettingup!Oh,whatadayitwas!Oh,whatanevening,whenIsatdownbymyfiretoabasinofmuttonbroth,dimpledalloverwithfat,andthoughtIwasgoingthewayofmypredecessor,andshouldsucceedtohisdismalstoryaswellastohischambers,andhadhalfamindtorushexpresstoDoverandrevealall!Whatanevening,whenMrs.Crupp,comingintotakeawaythebroth-basin,producedonekidneyonacheese-plateastheentireremainsofyesterday'sfeast,andIwasreallyinclinedtofalluponhernankeenbreastandsay,inheartfeltpenitence,'Oh,Mrs.Crupp,Mrs.Crupp,nevermindthebrokenmeats!Iamverymiserable!'-onlythatIdoubted,evenatthatpass,ifMrs.Cruppwerequitethesortofwomantoconfidein!CHAPTER25GOODANDBADANGELS
Iwasgoingoutatmydooronthemorningafterthatdeplorabledayofheadache,sickness,andrepentance,withanoddconfusioninmymindrelativetothedateofmydinner-party,asifabodyofTitanshadtakenanenormousleverandpushedthedaybeforeyesterdaysomemonthsback,whenIsawaticket-portercomingupstairs,withaletterinhishand.Hewastakinghistimeabouthiserrand,then;butwhenhesawmeonthetopofthestaircase,lookingathimoverthebanisters,heswungintoatrot,andcameuppantingasifhehadrunhimselfintoastateofexhaustion.'T.Copperfield,Esquire,'saidtheticket-porter,touchinghishatwithhislittlecane.Icouldscarcelylayclaimtothename:IwassodisturbedbytheconvictionthatthelettercamefromAgnes.However,ItoldhimIwasT.Copperfield,Esquire,andhebelievedit,andgavemetheletter,whichhesaidrequiredananswer.Ishuthimoutonthelandingtowaitfortheanswer,andwentintomychambersagain,insuchanervousstatethatIwasfaintolaytheletterdownonmybreakfasttable,andfamiliarizemyselfwiththeoutsideofitalittle,beforeIcouldresolvetobreaktheseal.
Ifound,whenIdidopenit,thatitwasaverykindnote,containingnoreferencetomyconditionatthetheatre.Allitsaidwas,'MydearTrotwood.Iamstayingatthehouseofpapa'sagent,Mr.Waterbrook,inElyPlace,Holborn.Willyoucomeandseemetoday,atanytimeyouliketoappoint?Everyoursaffectionately,AGNES.'Ittookmesuchalongtimetowriteanansweratalltomysatisfaction,thatIdon'tknowwhattheticket-portercanhavethought,unlesshethoughtIwaslearningtowrite.Imusthavewrittenhalf-a-dozenanswersatleast.Ibeganone,'HowcanIeverhope,mydearAgnes,toeffacefromyourremembrancethedisgustingimpression'-thereIdidn'tlikeit,andthenItoreitup.Ibegananother,'Shakespearehasobserved,mydearAgnes,howstrangeitisthatamanshouldputanenemyintohismouth'-thatremindedmeofMarkham,anditgotnofarther.Ieventriedpoetry.Ibeganonenote,inasix-syllableline,'Oh,donotremember'-butthatassociateditselfwiththefifthofNovember,andbecameanabsurdity.Aftermanyattempts,Iwrote,'MydearAgnes.Yourletterislikeyou,andwhatcouldIsayofitthatwouldbehigherpraisethanthat?Iwillcomeatfouro'clock.Affectionatelyandsorrowfully,T.C.'Withthismissive(whichI
wasintwentymindsatonceaboutrecalling,assoonasitwasoutofmyhands),theticket-porteratlastdeparted.IfthedaywerehalfastremendoustoanyotherprofessionalgentlemaninDoctors'Commonsasitwastome,Isincerelybelievehemadesomeexpiationforhisshareinthatrottenoldecclesiasticalcheese.AlthoughIlefttheofficeathalfpastthree,andwasprowlingabouttheplaceofappointmentwithinafewminutesafterwards,theappointedtimewasexceededbyafullquarterofanhour,accordingtotheclockofSt.Andrew's,Holborn,beforeIcouldmusterupsufficientdesperationtopulltheprivatebell-handleletintotheleft-handdoor-postofMr.Waterbrook'shouse.TheprofessionalbusinessofMr.Waterbrook'sestablishmentwasdoneontheground-floor,andthegenteelbusiness(ofwhichtherewasagooddeal)intheupperpartofthebuilding.Iwasshownintoaprettybutratherclosedrawing-room,andtheresatAgnes,nettingapurse.Shelookedsoquietandgood,andremindedmesostronglyofmyairyfreshschooldaysatCanterbury,andthesodden,smoky,stupidwretchIhadbeentheothernight,that,nobodybeingby,Iyielded
tomyself-reproachandshame,and-inshort,madeafoolofmyself.IcannotdenythatIshedtears.TothishourIamundecidedwhetheritwasuponthewholethewisestthingIcouldhavedone,orthemostridiculous.'Ifithadbeenanyonebutyou,Agnes,'saidI,turningawaymyhead,'Ishouldnothavemindedithalfsomuch.Butthatitshouldhavebeenyouwhosawme!IalmostwishIhadbeendead,first.'Sheputherhand-itstouchwaslikenootherhand-uponmyarmforamoment;andIfeltsobefriendedandcomforted,thatIcouldnothelpmovingittomylips,andgratefullykissingit.'Sitdown,'saidAgnes,cheerfully.'Don'tbeunhappy,Trotwood.Ifyoucannotconfidentlytrustme,whomwillyoutrust?''Ah,Agnes!'Ireturned.'YouaremygoodAngel!'Shesmiledrathersadly,Ithought,andshookherhead.'Yes,Agnes,mygoodAngel!AlwaysmygoodAngel!'
'IfIwere,indeed,Trotwood,'shereturned,'thereisonethingthatIshouldsetmyheartonverymuch.'Ilookedatherinquiringly;butalreadywithaforeknowledgeofhermeaning.'Onwarningyou,'saidAgnes,withasteadyglance,'againstyourbadAngel.''MydearAgnes,'Ibegan,'ifyoumeanSteerforth-''Ido,Trotwood,'shereturned.'Then,Agnes,youwronghimverymuch.HemybadAngel,oranyone's!He,anythingbutaguide,asupport,andafriendtome!MydearAgnes!Now,isitnotunjust,andunlikeyou,tojudgehimfromwhatyousawofmetheothernight?''IdonotjudgehimfromwhatIsawofyoutheothernight,'shequietlyreplied.'Fromwhat,then?'
'Frommanythings-triflesinthemselves,buttheydonotseemtometobeso,whentheyareputtogether.Ijudgehim,partlyfromyouraccountofhim,Trotwood,andyourcharacter,andtheinfluencehehasoveryou.'Therewasalwayssomethinginhermodestvoicethatseemedtotouchachordwithinme,answeringtothatsoundalone.Itwasalwaysearnest;butwhenitwasveryearnest,asitwasnow,therewasathrillinitthatquitesubduedme.Isatlookingatherasshecasthereyesdownonherwork;Isatseemingstilltolistentoher;andSteerforth,inspiteofallmyattachmenttohim,darkenedinthattone.'Itisveryboldinme,'saidAgnes,lookingupagain,'whohavelivedinsuchseclusion,andcanknowsolittleoftheworld,togiveyoumyadvicesoconfidently,oreventohavethisstrongopinion.ButIknowinwhatitisengendered,Trotwood,-inhowtruearemembranceofourhavinggrownuptogether,andinhowtrueaninterestinallrelatingtoyou.Itisthatwhichmakesmebold.IamcertainthatwhatIsayisright.Iamquitesureitis.Ifeelasifitweresomeoneelsespeakingtoyou,andnotI,whenIcautionyouthatyouhavemadeadangerousfriend.'
AgainIlookedather,againIlistenedtoheraftershewassilent,andagainhisimage,thoughitwasstillfixedinmyheart,darkened.'Iamnotsounreasonableastoexpect,'saidAgnes,resumingherusualtone,afteralittlewhile,'thatyouwill,orthatyoucan,atonce,changeanysentimentthathasbecomeaconvictiontoyou;leastofallasentimentthatisrootedinyourtrustingdisposition.Yououghtnothastilytodothat.Ionlyaskyou,Trotwood,ifyoueverthinkofme-Imean,'withaquietsmile,forIwasgoingtointerrupther,andsheknewwhy,'asoftenasyouthinkofme-tothinkofwhatIhavesaid.Doyouforgivemeforallthis?''Iwillforgiveyou,Agnes,'Ireplied,'whenyoucometodoSteerforthjustice,andtolikehimaswellasIdo.''Notuntilthen?'saidAgnes.IsawapassingshadowonherfacewhenImadethismentionofhim,butshereturnedmysmile,andwewereagainasunreservedinourmutualconfidenceasofold.
'Andwhen,Agnes,'saidI,'willyouforgivemetheothernight?''WhenIrecallit,'saidAgnes.Shewouldhavedismissedthesubjectso,butIwastoofullofittoallowthat,andinsistedontellingherhowithappenedthatIhaddisgracedmyself,andwhatchainofaccidentalcircumstanceshadhadthetheatreforitsfinallink.Itwasagreatrelieftometodothis,andtoenlargeontheobligationthatIowedtoSteerforthforhiscareofmewhenIwasunabletotakecareofmyself.'Youmustnotforget,'saidAgnes,calmlychangingtheconversationassoonasIhadconcluded,'thatyouarealwaystotellme,notonlywhenyoufallintotrouble,butwhenyoufallinlove.WhohassucceededtoMissLarkins,Trotwood?''Noone,Agnes.''Someone,Trotwood,'saidAgnes,laughing,andholdingupherfinger.'No,Agnes,uponmyword!Thereisalady,certainly,atMrs.
Steerforth'shouse,whoisveryclever,andwhomIliketotalkto-MissDartle-butIdon'tadoreher.'Agneslaughedagainatherownpenetration,andtoldmethatifIwerefaithfultoherinmyconfidenceshethoughtsheshouldkeepalittleregisterofmyviolentattachments,withthedate,duration,andterminationofeach,likethetableofthereignsofthekingsandqueens,intheHistoryofEngland.ThensheaskedmeifIhadseenUriah.'UriahHeep?'saidI.'No.IsheinLondon?''Hecomestotheofficedownstairs,everyday,'returnedAgnes.'HewasinLondonaweekbeforeme.Iamafraidondisagreeablebusiness,Trotwood.''Onsomebusinessthatmakesyouuneasy,Agnes,Isee,'saidI.'Whatcanthatbe?'Agneslaidasideherwork,andreplied,foldingherhandsupononeanother,andlookingpensivelyatmeoutofthosebeautifulsofteyesofhers:
'Ibelieveheisgoingtoenterintopartnershipwithpapa.''What?Uriah?Thatmean,fawningfellow,wormhimselfintosuchpromotion!'Icried,indignantly.'Haveyoumadenoremonstranceaboutit,Agnes?Considerwhataconnexionitislikelytobe.Youmustspeakout.Youmustnotallowyourfathertotakesuchamadstep.Youmustpreventit,Agnes,whilethere'stime.'Stilllookingatme,AgnesshookherheadwhileIwasspeaking,withafaintsmileatmywarmth:andthenreplied:'Yourememberourlastconversationaboutpapa?Itwasnotlongafterthat-notmorethantwoorthreedays-whenhegavemethefirstintimationofwhatItellyou.Itwassadtoseehimstrugglingbetweenhisdesiretorepresentittomeasamatterofchoiceonhispart,andhisinabilitytoconcealthatitwasforceduponhim.Ifeltverysorry.''Forceduponhim,Agnes!Whoforcesituponhim?''Uriah,'shereplied,afteramoment'shesitation,'hasmadehimselfindispensabletopapa.Heissubtleandwatchful.Hehasmasteredpapa'sweaknesses,fosteredthem,andtakenadvantageof
them,until-tosayallthatImeaninaword,Trotwood,-untilpapaisafraidofhim.'Therewasmorethatshemighthavesaid;morethatsheknew,orthatshesuspected;Iclearlysaw.Icouldnotgiveherpainbyaskingwhatitwas,forIknewthatshewithhelditfromme,tospareherfather.Ithadlongbeengoingontothis,Iwassensible:yes,Icouldnotbutfeel,ontheleastreflection,thatithadbeengoingontothisforalongtime.Iremainedsilent.'Hisascendancyoverpapa,'saidAgnes,'isverygreat.Heprofesseshumilityandgratitude-withtruth,perhaps:Ihopeso-buthispositionisreallyoneofpower,andIfearhemakesaharduseofhispower.'Isaidhewasahound,which,atthemoment,wasagreatsatisfactiontome.'AtthetimeIspeakof,asthetimewhenpapaspoketome,'pursuedAgnes,'hehadtoldpapathathewasgoingaway;thathewasverysorry,andunwillingtoleave,butthathehadbetterprospects.Papawasverymuchdepressedthen,andmoreboweddownbycarethaneveryouorIhaveseenhim;butheseemedrelievedby
thisexpedientofthepartnership,thoughatthesametimeheseemedhurtbyitandashamedofit.''Andhowdidyoureceiveit,Agnes?''Idid,Trotwood,'shereplied,'whatIhopewasright.Feelingsurethatitwasnecessaryforpapa'speacethatthesacrificeshouldbemade,Ientreatedhimtomakeit.Isaiditwouldlightentheloadofhislife-Ihopeitwill!-andthatitwouldgivemeincreasedopportunitiesofbeinghiscompanion.Oh,Trotwood!'criedAgnes,puttingherhandsbeforeherface,ashertearsstartedonit,'IalmostfeelasifIhadbeenpapa'senemy,insteadofhislovingchild.ForIknowhowhehasaltered,inhisdevotiontome.Iknowhowhehasnarrowedthecircleofhissympathiesandduties,intheconcentrationofhiswholeminduponme.Iknowwhatamultitudeofthingshehasshutoutformysake,andhowhisanxiousthoughtsofmehaveshadowedhislife,andweakenedhisstrengthandenergy,byturningthemalwaysupononeidea.IfIcouldeversetthisright!IfIcouldeverworkouthisrestoration,asIhavesoinnocentlybeenthecauseofhisdecline!'IhadneverbeforeseenAgnescry.Ihadseentearsinhereyes
whenIhadbroughtnewhonourshomefromschool,andIhadseenthemtherewhenwelastspokeaboutherfather,andIhadseenherturnhergentleheadasidewhenwetookleaveofoneanother;butIhadneverseenhergrievelikethis.ItmademesosorrythatIcouldonlysay,inafoolish,helplessmanner,'Pray,Agnes,don't!Don't,mydearsister!'ButAgneswastoosuperiortomeincharacterandpurpose,asIknowwellnow,whateverImightknowornotknowthen,tobelonginneedofmyentreaties.Thebeautiful,calmmanner,whichmakeshersodifferentinmyremembrancefromeverybodyelse,camebackagain,asifacloudhadpassedfromaserenesky.'Wearenotlikelytoremainalonemuchlonger,'saidAgnes,'andwhileIhaveanopportunity,letmeearnestlyentreatyou,Trotwood,tobefriendlytoUriah.Don'trepelhim.Don'tresent(asIthinkyouhaveageneraldispositiontodo)whatmaybeuncongenialtoyouinhim.Hemaynotdeserveit,forweknownocertainillofhim.Inanycase,thinkfirstofpapaandme!'Agneshadnotimetosaymore,fortheroomdooropened,andMrs.Waterbrook,whowasalargelady-orwhoworealargedress:Idon'texactlyknowwhich,forIdon'tknowwhichwasdressand
whichwaslady-camesailingin.Ihadadimrecollectionofhavingseenheratthetheatre,asifIhadseenherinapalemagiclantern;butsheappearedtoremembermeperfectly,andstilltosuspectmeofbeinginastateofintoxication.Findingbydegrees,however,thatIwassober,and(Ihope)thatIwasamodestyounggentleman,Mrs.Waterbrooksoftenedtowardsmeconsiderably,andinquired,firstly,ifIwentmuchintotheparks,andsecondly,ifIwentmuchintosociety.Onmyreplyingtoboththesequestionsinthenegative,itoccurredtomethatIfellagaininhergoodopinion;butsheconcealedthefactgracefully,andinvitedmetodinnernextday.Iacceptedtheinvitation,andtookmyleave,makingacallonUriahintheofficeasIwentout,andleavingacardforhiminhisabsence.WhenIwenttodinnernextday,andonthestreetdoorbeingopened,plungedintoavapour-bathofhaunchofmutton,IdivinedthatIwasnottheonlyguest,forIimmediatelyidentifiedtheticket-porterindisguise,assistingthefamilyservant,andwaitingatthefootofthestairstocarryupmyname.Helooked,tothebestofhisability,whenheaskedmeforitconfidentially,asifhehadneverseenmebefore;butwelldidIknowhim,andwelldidheknowme.Consciencemadecowardsofusboth.
IfoundMr.Waterbrooktobeamiddle-agedgentleman,withashortthroat,andagooddealofshirt-collar,whoonlywantedablacknosetobetheportraitofapug-dog.Hetoldmehewashappytohavethehonourofmakingmyacquaintance;andwhenIhadpaidmyhomagetoMrs.Waterbrook,presentedme,withmuchceremony,toaveryawfulladyinablackvelvetdress,andagreatblackvelvethat,whomIrememberaslookinglikeanearrelationofHamlet's-sayhisaunt.Mrs.HenrySpikerwasthislady'sname;andherhusbandwastheretoo:socoldaman,thathishead,insteadofbeinggrey,seemedtobesprinkledwithhoar-frost.ImmensedeferencewasshowntotheHenrySpikers,maleandfemale;whichAgnestoldmewasonaccountofMr.HenrySpikerbeingsolicitortosomethingOrtoSomebody,Iforgetwhatorwhich,remotelyconnectedwiththeTreasury.IfoundUriahHeepamongthecompany,inasuitofblack,andindeephumility.Hetoldme,whenIshookhandswithhim,thathewasproudtobenoticedbyme,andthathereallyfeltobligedtomeformycondescension.Icouldhavewishedhehadbeenlessobligedtome,forhehoveredaboutmeinhisgratitudealltherestoftheevening;andwheneverIsaidawordtoAgnes,wassure,
withhisshadowlesseyesandcadaverousface,tobelookinggauntlydownuponusfrombehind.Therewereotherguests-allicedfortheoccasion,asitstruckme,likethewine.Buttherewasonewhoattractedmyattentionbeforehecamein,onaccountofmyhearinghimannouncedasMr.Traddles!MymindflewbacktoSalemHouse;andcoulditbeTommy,Ithought,whousedtodrawtheskeletons!IlookedforMr.Traddleswithunusualinterest.Hewasasober,steady-lookingyoungmanofretiringmanners,withacomicheadofhair,andeyesthatwereratherwideopen;andhegotintoanobscurecornersosoon,thatIhadsomedifficultyinmakinghimout.AtlengthIhadagoodviewofhim,andeithermyvisiondeceivedme,oritwastheoldunfortunateTommy.ImademywaytoMr.Waterbrook,andsaid,thatIbelievedIhadthepleasureofseeinganoldschoolfellowthere.'Indeed!'saidMr.Waterbrook,surprised.'YouaretooyoungtohavebeenatschoolwithMr.HenrySpiker?''Oh,Idon'tmeanhim!'Ireturned.'Imeanthegentlemannamed
Traddles.''Oh!Aye,aye!Indeed!'saidmyhost,withmuchdiminishedinterest.'Possibly.''Ifit'sreallythesameperson,'saidI,glancingtowardshim,'itwasataplacecalledSalemHousewhereweweretogether,andhewasanexcellentfellow.''Ohyes.Traddlesisagoodfellow,'returnedmyhostnoddinghisheadwithanairoftoleration.'Traddlesisquiteagoodfellow.''It'sacuriouscoincidence,'saidI.'Itisreally,'returnedmyhost,'quiteacoincidence,thatTraddlesshouldbehereatall:asTraddleswasonlyinvitedthismorning,whentheplaceattable,intendedtobeoccupiedbyMrs.HenrySpiker'sbrother,becamevacant,inconsequenceofhisindisposition.Averygentlemanlyman,Mrs.HenrySpiker'sbrother,Mr.Copperfield.'Imurmuredanassent,whichwasfulloffeeling,consideringthatIknewnothingatallabouthim;andIinquiredwhatMr.Traddles
wasbyprofession.'Traddles,'returnedMr.Waterbrook,'isayoungmanreadingforthebar.Yes.Heisquiteagoodfellow-nobody'senemybuthisown.''Ishehisownenemy?'saidI,sorrytohearthis.'Well,'returnedMr.Waterbrook,pursinguphismouth,andplayingwithhiswatch-chain,inacomfortable,prosperoussortofway.'Ishouldsayhewasoneofthosemenwhostandintheirownlight.Yes,Ishouldsayhewouldnever,forexample,beworthfivehundredpound.Traddleswasrecommendedtomebyaprofessionalfriend.Ohyes.Yes.Hehasakindoftalentfordrawingbriefs,andstatingacaseinwriting,plainly.IamabletothrowsomethinginTraddles'sway,inthecourseoftheyear;something-forhim-considerable.Ohyes.Yes.'IwasmuchimpressedbytheextremelycomfortableandsatisfiedmannerinwhichMr.Waterbrookdeliveredhimselfofthislittleword'Yes',everynowandthen.Therewaswonderfulexpressioninit.Itcompletelyconveyedtheideaofamanwhohadbeenborn,nottosaywithasilverspoon,butwithascaling-ladder,andhad
goneonmountingalltheheightsoflifeoneafteranother,untilnowhelooked,fromthetopofthefortifications,withtheeyeofaphilosopherandapatron,onthepeopledowninthetrenches.Myreflectionsonthisthemewerestillinprogresswhendinnerwasannounced.Mr.WaterbrookwentdownwithHamlet'saunt.Mr.HenrySpikertookMrs.Waterbrook.Agnes,whomIshouldhavelikedtotakemyself,wasgiventoasimperingfellowwithweaklegs.Uriah,Traddles,andI,asthejuniorpartofthecompany,wentdownlast,howwecould.IwasnotsovexedatlosingAgnesasImighthavebeen,sinceitgavemeanopportunityofmakingmyselfknowntoTraddlesonthestairs,whogreetedmewithgreatfervour;whileUriahwrithedwithsuchobtrusivesatisfactionandself-abasement,thatIcouldgladlyhavepitchedhimoverthebanisters.TraddlesandIwereseparatedattable,beingbilletedintworemotecorners:heintheglareofaredvelvetlady;I,inthegloomofHamlet'saunt.Thedinnerwasverylong,andtheconversationwasabouttheAristocracy-andBlood.Mrs.Waterbrookrepeatedlytoldus,thatifshehadaweakness,itwasBlood.Itoccurredtomeseveraltimesthatweshouldhavegotonbetter,
ifwehadnotbeenquitesogenteel.Weweresoexceedinglygenteel,thatourscopewasverylimited.AMr.andMrs.Gulpidgewereoftheparty,whohadsomethingtodoatsecond-hand(atleast,Mr.Gulpidgehad)withthelawbusinessoftheBank;andwhatwiththeBank,andwhatwiththeTreasury,wewereasexclusiveastheCourtCircular.Tomendthematter,Hamlet'saunthadthefamilyfailingofindulginginsoliloquy,andheldforthinadesultorymanner,byherself,oneverytopicthatwasintroduced.Thesewerefewenough,tobesure;butaswealwaysfellbackuponBlood,shehadaswideafieldforabstractspeculationashernephewhimself.WemighthavebeenapartyofOgres,theconversationassumedsuchasanguinecomplexion.'IconfessIamofMrs.Waterbrook'sopinion,'saidMr.Waterbrook,withhiswine-glassathiseye.'Otherthingsareallverywellintheirway,butgivemeBlood!''Oh!Thereisnothing,'observedHamlet'saunt,'sosatisfactorytoone!Thereisnothingthatissomuchone'sbeau-idealof-ofallthatsortofthing,speakinggenerally.Therearesomelowminds(notmany,Iamhappytobelieve,buttherearesome)that
wouldprefertodowhatIshouldcallbowdownbeforeidols.PositivelyIdols!Beforeservice,intellect,andsoon.Buttheseareintangiblepoints.Bloodisnotso.WeseeBloodinanose,andweknowit.Wemeetwithitinachin,andwesay,"Thereitis!That'sBlood!"Itisanactualmatteroffact.Wepointitout.Itadmitsofnodoubt.'Thesimperingfellowwiththeweaklegs,whohadtakenAgnesdown,statedthequestionmoredecisivelyyet,Ithought.'Oh,youknow,deucetakeit,'saidthisgentleman,lookingroundtheboardwithanimbecilesmile,'wecan'tforegoBlood,youknow.WemusthaveBlood,youknow.Someyoungfellows,youknow,maybealittlebehindtheirstation,perhaps,inpointofeducationandbehaviour,andmaygoalittlewrong,youknow,andgetthemselvesandotherpeopleintoavarietyoffixes-andallthat-butdeucetakeit,it'sdelightfultoreflectthatthey'vegotBloodin'em!Myself,I'dratheratanytimebeknockeddownbyamanwhohadgotBloodinhim,thanI'dbepickedupbyamanwhohadn't!'Thissentiment,ascompressingthegeneralquestionintoanutshell,gavetheutmostsatisfaction,andbroughtthegentlemanintogreatnoticeuntiltheladiesretired.Afterthat,Iobserved
thatMr.GulpidgeandMr.HenrySpiker,whohadhithertobeenverydistant,enteredintoadefensiveallianceagainstus,thecommonenemy,andexchangedamysteriousdialogueacrossthetableforourdefeatandoverthrow.'Thataffairofthefirstbondforfourthousandfivehundredpoundshasnottakenthecoursethatwasexpected,Spiker,'saidMr.Gulpidge.'DoyoumeantheD.ofA.'s?'saidMr.Spiker.'TheC.ofB.'s!'saidMr.Gulpidge.Mr.Spikerraisedhiseyebrows,andlookedmuchconcerned.'WhenthequestionwasreferredtoLord-Ineedn'tnamehim,'saidMr.Gulpidge,checkinghimself-'Iunderstand,'saidMr.Spiker,'N.'Mr.Gulpidgedarklynodded-'wasreferredtohim,hisanswerwas,"Money,ornorelease."'
'Lordblessmysoul!'criedMr.Spiker."'Money,ornorelease,"'repeatedMr.Gulpidge,firmly.'Thenextinreversion-youunderstandme?''K.,'saidMr.Spiker,withanominouslook.'-K.thenpositivelyrefusedtosign.HewasattendedatNewmarketforthatpurpose,andhepoint-blankrefusedtodoit.'Mr.Spikerwassointerested,thathebecamequitestony.'Sothematterrestsatthishour,'saidMr.Gulpidge,throwinghimselfbackinhischair.'OurfriendWaterbrookwillexcusemeifIforbeartoexplainmyselfgenerally,onaccountofthemagnitudeoftheinterestsinvolved.'Mr.Waterbrookwasonlytoohappy,asitappearedtome,tohavesuchinterests,andsuchnames,evenhintedat,acrosshistable.Heassumedanexpressionofgloomyintelligence(thoughIampersuadedheknewnomoreaboutthediscussionthanIdid),andhighlyapprovedofthediscretionthathadbeenobserved.Mr.Spiker,afterthereceiptofsuchaconfidence,naturallydesired
tofavourhisfriendwithaconfidenceofhisown;thereforetheforegoingdialoguewassucceededbyanother,inwhichitwasMr.Gulpidge'sturntobesurprised,andthatbyanotherinwhichthesurprisecameroundtoMr.Spiker'sturnagain,andsoon,turnandturnabout.Allthistimewe,theoutsiders,remainedoppressedbythetremendousinterestsinvolvedintheconversation;andourhostregardeduswithpride,asthevictimsofasalutaryaweandastonishment.IwasverygladindeedtogetupstairstoAgnes,andtotalkwithherinacorner,andtointroduceTraddlestoher,whowasshy,butagreeable,andthesamegood-naturedcreaturestill.Ashewasobligedtoleaveearly,onaccountofgoingawaynextmorningforamonth,IhadnotnearlysomuchconversationwithhimasIcouldhavewished;butweexchangedaddresses,andpromisedourselvesthepleasureofanothermeetingwhenheshouldcomebacktotown.HewasgreatlyinterestedtohearthatIknewSteerforth,andspokeofhimwithsuchwarmththatImadehimtellAgneswhathethoughtofhim.ButAgnesonlylookedatmethewhile,andveryslightlyshookherheadwhenonlyIobservedher.AsshewasnotamongpeoplewithwhomIbelievedshecouldbeverymuchathome,Iwasalmostgladtohearthatshewasgoingawaywithinafewdays,thoughIwassorryattheprospectofparting
fromheragainsosoon.Thiscausedmetoremainuntilallthecompanyweregone.Conversingwithher,andhearinghersing,wassuchadelightfulremindertomeofmyhappylifeinthegraveoldhouseshehadmadesobeautiful,thatIcouldhaveremainedtherehalfthenight;but,havingnoexcuseforstayinganylonger,whenthelightsofMr.Waterbrook'ssocietywereallsnuffedout,Itookmyleaveverymuchagainstmyinclination.Ifeltthen,morethanever,thatshewasmybetterAngel;andifIthoughtofhersweetfaceandplacidsmile,asthoughtheyhadshoneonmefromsomeremovedbeing,likeanAngel,IhopeIthoughtnoharm.Ihavesaidthatthecompanywereallgone;butIoughttohaveexceptedUriah,whomIdon'tincludeinthatdenomination,andwhohadneverceasedtohovernearus.HewasclosebehindmewhenIwentdownstairs.Hewasclosebesideme,whenIwalkedawayfromthehouse,slowlyfittinghislongskeletonfingersintothestilllongerfingersofagreatGuyFawkespairofgloves.ItwasinnodispositionforUriah'scompany,butinremembranceoftheentreatyAgneshadmadetome,thatIaskedhimifhewouldcomehometomyrooms,andhavesomecoffee.'Oh,really,MasterCopperfield,'herejoined-'Ibegyourpardon,
MisterCopperfield,buttheothercomessonatural,Idon'tlikethatyoushouldputaconstraintuponyourselftoaskanumblepersonlikemetoyourouse.''Thereisnoconstraintinthecase,'saidI.'Willyoucome?''Ishouldliketo,verymuch,'repliedUriah,withawrithe.'Well,then,comealong!'saidI.Icouldnothelpbeingrathershortwithhim,butheappearednottomindit.Wewentthenearestway,withoutconversingmuchupontheroad;andhewassohumbleinrespectofthosescarecrowgloves,thathewasstillputtingthemon,andseemedtohavemadenoadvanceinthatlabour,whenwegottomyplace.Iledhimupthedarkstairs,topreventhisknockinghisheadagainstanything,andreallyhisdampcoldhandfeltsolikeafroginmine,thatIwastemptedtodropitandrunaway.Agnesandhospitalityprevailed,however,andIconductedhimtomyfireside.WhenIlightedmycandles,hefellintomeektransportswiththeroomthatwasrevealedtohim;andwhenIheatedthecoffeeinanunassumingblock-tinvesselinwhichMrs.Cruppdelightedto
prepareit(chiefly,Ibelieve,becauseitwasnotintendedforthepurpose,beingashaving-pot,andbecausetherewasapatentinventionofgreatpricemoulderingawayinthepantry),heprofessedsomuchemotion,thatIcouldjoyfullyhavescaldedhim.'Oh,really,MasterCopperfield,-ImeanMisterCopperfield,'saidUriah,'toseeyouwaitinguponmeiswhatInevercouldhaveexpected!But,onewayandanother,somanythingshappentomewhichInevercouldhaveexpected,Iamsure,inmyumblestation,thatitseemstorainblessingsonmyed.Youhaveheardsomething,Ides-say,ofachangeinmyexpectations,MasterCopperfield,-Ishouldsay,MisterCopperfield?'Ashesatonmysofa,withhislongkneesdrawnupunderhiscoffee-cup,hishatandglovesuponthegroundclosetohim,hisspoongoingsoftlyroundandround,hisshadowlessredeyes,whichlookedasiftheyhadscorchedtheirlashesoff,turnedtowardsmewithoutlookingatme,thedisagreeabledintsIhaveformerlydescribedinhisnostrilscomingandgoingwithhisbreath,andasnakyundulationpervadinghisframefromhischintohisboots,IdecidedinmyownmindthatIdislikedhimintensely.Itmademeveryuncomfortabletohavehimforaguest,forIwasyoungthen,andunusedtodisguisewhatIsostronglyfelt.
'Youhaveheardsomething,Ides-say,ofachangeinmyexpectations,MasterCopperfield,-Ishouldsay,MisterCopperfield?'observedUriah.'Yes,'saidI,'something.''Ah!IthoughtMissAgneswouldknowofit!'hequietlyreturned.'I'mgladtofindMissAgnesknowsofit.Oh,thankyou,Master-MisterCopperfield!'Icouldhavethrownmybootjackathim(itlayreadyontherug),forhavingentrappedmeintothedisclosureofanythingconcerningAgnes,howeverimmaterial.ButIonlydrankmycoffee.'Whataprophetyouhaveshownyourself,MisterCopperfield!'pursuedUriah.'Dearme,whataprophetyouhaveprovedyourselftobe!Don'tyouremembersayingtomeonce,thatperhapsIshouldbeapartnerinMr.Wickfield'sbusiness,andperhapsitmightbeWickfieldandHeep?Youmaynotrecollectit;butwhenapersonisumble,MasterCopperfield,apersontreasuressuchthingsup!''Irecollecttalkingaboutit,'saidI,'thoughIcertainlydidnot
thinkitverylikelythen.''Oh!whowouldhavethoughtitlikely,MisterCopperfield!'returnedUriah,enthusiastically.'IamsureIdidn'tmyself.IrecollectsayingwithmyownlipsthatIwasmuchtooumble.SoIconsideredmyselfreallyandtruly.'Hesat,withthatcarvedgrinonhisface,lookingatthefire,asIlookedathim.'Buttheumblestpersons,MasterCopperfield,'hepresentlyresumed,'maybetheinstrumentsofgood.IamgladtothinkIhavebeentheinstrumentofgoodtoMr.Wickfield,andthatImaybemoreso.Ohwhataworthymanheis,MisterCopperfield,buthowimprudenthehasbeen!''Iamsorrytohearit,'saidI.Icouldnothelpadding,ratherpointedly,'onallaccounts.''Decidedlyso,MisterCopperfield,'repliedUriah.'Onallaccounts.MissAgnes'saboveall!Youdon'trememberyourowneloquentexpressions,MasterCopperfield;butIrememberhowyousaidonedaythateverybodymustadmireher,andhowIthankedyouforit!Youhaveforgotthat,Ihavenodoubt,Master
Copperfield?''No,'saidI,drily.'OhhowgladIamyouhavenot!'exclaimedUriah.'Tothinkthatyoushouldbethefirsttokindlethesparksofambitioninmyumblebreast,andthatyou'venotforgotit!Oh!-Wouldyouexcusemeaskingforacupmorecoffee?'Somethingintheemphasishelaiduponthekindlingofthosesparks,andsomethingintheglancehedirectedatmeashesaidit,hadmademestartasifIhadseenhimilluminatedbyablazeoflight.Recalledbyhisrequest,preferredinquiteanothertoneofvoice,Ididthehonoursoftheshaving-pot;butIdidthemwithanunsteadinessofhand,asuddensenseofbeingnomatchforhim,andaperplexedsuspiciousanxietyastowhathemightbegoingtosaynext,whichIfeltcouldnotescapehisobservation.Hesaidnothingatall.Hestirredhiscoffeeroundandround,hesippedit,hefelthischinsoftlywithhisgrislyhand,helookedatthefire,helookedabouttheroom,hegaspedratherthansmiledatme,hewrithedandundulatedabout,inhisdeferentialservility,hestirredandsippedagain,buthelefttherenewalof
theconversationtome.'So,Mr.Wickfield,'saidI,atlast,'whoisworthfivehundredofyou-orme';formylife,Ithink,Icouldnothavehelpeddividingthatpartofthesentencewithanawkwardjerk;'hasbeenimprudent,hashe,Mr.Heep?''Oh,veryimprudentindeed,MasterCopperfield,'returnedUriah,sighingmodestly.'Oh,verymuchso!ButIwishyou'dcallmeUriah,ifyouplease.It'slikeoldtimes.''Well!Uriah,'saidI,boltingitoutwithsomedifficulty.'Thankyou,'hereturned,withfervour.'Thankyou,MasterCopperfield!It'sliketheblowingofoldbreezesortheringingofoldbellsestohearYOUsayUriah.Ibegyourpardon.WasImakinganyobservation?''AboutMr.Wickfield,'Isuggested.'Oh!Yes,truly,'saidUriah.'Ah!Greatimprudence,MasterCopperfield.It'satopicthatIwouldn'ttouchupon,toanysoulbutyou.EventoyouIcanonlytouchuponit,andnomore.If
anyoneelsehadbeeninmyplaceduringthelastfewyears,bythistimehewouldhavehadMr.Wickfield(oh,whataworthymanheis,MasterCopperfield,too!)underhisthumb.Un--der--histhumb,'saidUriah,veryslowly,ashestretchedouthiscruel-lookinghandabovemytable,andpressedhisownthumbuponit,untilitshook,andshooktheroom.IfIhadbeenobligedtolookathimwithhimsplayfootonMr.Wickfield'shead,IthinkIcouldscarcelyhavehatedhimmore.'Oh,dear,yes,MasterCopperfield,'heproceeded,inasoftvoice,mostremarkablycontrastingwiththeactionofhisthumb,whichdidnotdiminishitshardpressureintheleastdegree,'there'snodoubtofit.Therewouldhavebeenloss,disgrace,Idon'tknowwhatatall.Mr.Wickfieldknowsit.Iamtheumbleinstrumentofumblyservinghim,andheputsmeonaneminenceIhardlycouldhavehopedtoreach.HowthankfulshouldIbe!'Withhisfaceturnedtowardsme,ashefinished,butwithoutlookingatme,hetookhiscrookedthumboffthespotwherehehadplantedit,andslowlyandthoughtfullyscrapedhislankjawwithit,asifhewereshavinghimself.Irecollectwellhowindignantlymyheartbeat,asIsawhiscrafty
face,withtheappropriatelyredlightofthefireuponit,preparingforsomethingelse.'MasterCopperfield,'hebegan-'butamIkeepingyouup?''Youarenotkeepingmeup.Igenerallygotobedlate.''Thankyou,MasterCopperfield!Ihaverisenfrommyumblestationsincefirstyouusedtoaddressme,itistrue;butIamumblestill.IhopeInevershallbeotherwisethanumble.Youwillnotthinktheworseofmyumbleness,ifImakealittleconfidencetoyou,MasterCopperfield?Willyou?''Ohno,'saidI,withaneffort.'Thankyou!'Hetookouthispocket-handkerchief,andbeganwipingthepalmsofhishands.'MissAgnes,MasterCopperfield-''Well,Uriah?''Oh,howpleasanttobecalledUriah,spontaneously!'hecried;andgavehimselfajerk,likeaconvulsivefish.'Youthoughtherlookingverybeautifultonight,MasterCopperfield?'
'Ithoughtherlookingasshealwaysdoes:superior,inallrespects,toeveryonearoundher,'Ireturned.'Oh,thankyou!It'ssotrue!'hecried.'Oh,thankyouverymuchforthat!''Notatall,'Isaid,loftily.'Thereisnoreasonwhyyoushouldthankme.''Whythat,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah,'is,infact,theconfidencethatIamgoingtotakethelibertyofreposing.UmbleasIam,'hewipedhishandsharder,andlookedatthemandatthefirebyturns,'umbleasmymotheris,andlowlyasourpoorbuthonestroofhaseverbeen,theimageofMissAgnes(Idon'tmindtrustingyouwithmysecret,MasterCopperfield,forIhavealwaysoverflowedtowardsyousincethefirstmomentIhadthepleasureofbeholdingyouinapony-shay)hasbeeninmybreastforyears.Oh,MasterCopperfield,withwhatapureaffectiondoIlovethegroundmyAgneswalkson!'IbelieveIhadadeliriousideaofseizingthered-hotpokeroutofthefire,andrunninghimthroughwithit.Itwentfrommewithashock,likeaballfiredfromarifle:buttheimageofAgnes,
outragedbysomuchasathoughtofthisred-headedanimal's,remainedinmymindwhenIlookedathim,sittingallawryasifhismeansoulgripedhisbody,andmademegiddy.Heseemedtoswellandgrowbeforemyeyes;theroomseemedfulloftheechoesofhisvoice;andthestrangefeeling(towhich,perhaps,nooneisquiteastranger)thatallthishadoccurredbefore,atsomeindefinitetime,andthatIknewwhathewasgoingtosaynext,tookpossessionofme.Atimelyobservationofthesenseofpowerthattherewasinhisface,didmoretobringbacktomyremembrancetheentreatyofAgnes,initsfullforce,thananyeffortIcouldhavemade.Iaskedhim,withabetterappearanceofcomposurethanIcouldhavethoughtpossibleaminutebefore,whetherhehadmadehisfeelingsknowntoAgnes.'Ohno,MasterCopperfield!'hereturned;'ohdear,no!Nottoanyonebutyou.YouseeIamonlyjustemergingfrommylowlystation.IrestagooddealofhopeonherobservinghowusefulIamtoherfather(forItrusttobeveryusefultohimindeed,MasterCopperfield),andhowIsmooththewayforhim,andkeephimstraight.She'ssomuchattachedtoherfather,MasterCopperfield(oh,whatalovelythingitisinadaughter!),thatIthinkshe
maycome,onhisaccount,tobekindtome.'Ifathomedthedepthoftherascal'swholescheme,andunderstoodwhyhelaiditbare.'Ifyou'llhavethegoodnesstokeepmysecret,MasterCopperfield,'hepursued,'andnot,ingeneral,togoagainstme,Ishalltakeitasaparticularfavour.Youwouldn'twishtomakeunpleasantness.Iknowwhatafriendlyheartyou'vegot;buthavingonlyknownmeonmyumblefooting(onmyumblestIshouldsay,forIamveryumblestill),youmight,unbeknown,goagainstmerather,withmyAgnes.Icallhermine,yousee,MasterCopperfield.There'sasongthatsays,"I'dcrownsresign,tocallhermine!"Ihopetodoit,oneofthesedays.'DearAgnes!SomuchtoolovingandtoogoodforanyonethatIcouldthinkof,wasitpossiblethatshewasreservedtobethewifeofsuchawretchasthis!'There'snohurryatpresent,youknow,MasterCopperfield,'Uriahproceeded,inhisslimyway,asIsatgazingathim,withthisthoughtinmymind.'MyAgnesisveryyoungstill;andmotherandmewillhavetoworkourwayupwards,andmakeagoodmanynew
arrangements,beforeitwouldbequiteconvenient.SoIshallhavetimegraduallytomakeherfamiliarwithmyhopes,asopportunitiesoffer.Oh,I'msomuchobligedtoyouforthisconfidence!Oh,it'ssucharelief,youcan'tthink,toknowthatyouunderstandoursituation,andarecertain(asyouwouldn'twishtomakeunpleasantnessinthefamily)nottogoagainstme!'HetookthehandwhichIdarednotwithhold,andhavinggivenitadampsqueeze,referredtohispale-facedwatch.'Dearme!'hesaid,'it'spastone.Themomentsslipawayso,intheconfidenceofoldtimes,MasterCopperfield,thatit'salmosthalfpastone!'IansweredthatIhadthoughtitwaslater.NotthatIhadreallythoughtso,butbecausemyconversationalpowerswereeffectuallyscattered.'Dearme!'hesaid,considering.'TheousethatIamstoppingat-asortofaprivatehotelandboardingouse,MasterCopperfield,neartheNewRivered-willhavegonetobedthesetwohours.''Iamsorry,'Ireturned,'thatthereisonlyonebedhere,and
thatI-''Oh,don'tthinkofmentioningbeds,MasterCopperfield!'herejoinedecstatically,drawinguponeleg.'Butwouldyouhaveanyobjectionstomylayingdownbeforethefire?''Ifitcomestothat,'Isaid,'praytakemybed,andI'llliedownbeforethefire.'Hisrepudiationofthisofferwasalmostshrillenough,intheexcessofitssurpriseandhumility,tohavepenetratedtotheearsofMrs.Crupp,thensleeping,Isuppose,inadistantchamber,situatedatabouttheleveloflow-watermark,soothedinherslumbersbythetickingofanincorrigibleclock,towhichshealwaysreferredmewhenwehadanylittledifferenceonthescoreofpunctuality,andwhichwasneverlessthanthree-quartersofanhourtooslow,andhadalwaysbeenputrightinthemorningbythebestauthorities.AsnoargumentsIcouldurge,inmybewilderedcondition,hadtheleasteffectuponhismodestyininducinghimtoacceptmybedroom,IwasobligedtomakethebestarrangementsIcould,forhisreposebeforethefire.Themattressofthesofa(whichwasagreatdealtooshortforhislankfigure),thesofapillows,ablanket,thetable-cover,acleanbreakfast-cloth,and
agreat-coat,madehimabedandcovering,forwhichhewasmorethanthankful.Havinglenthimanight-cap,whichheputonatonce,andinwhichhemadesuchanawfulfigure,thatIhaveneverwornonesince,Ilefthimtohisrest.Inevershallforgetthatnight.InevershallforgethowIturnedandtumbled;howIweariedmyselfwiththinkingaboutAgnesandthiscreature;howIconsideredwhatcouldIdo,andwhatoughtItodo;howIcouldcometonootherconclusionthanthatthebestcourseforherpeacewastodonothing,andtokeeptomyselfwhatIhadheard.IfIwenttosleepforafewmoments,theimageofAgneswithhertendereyes,andofherfatherlookingfondlyonher,asIhadsooftenseenhimlook,arosebeforemewithappealingfaces,andfilledmewithvagueterrors.WhenIawoke,therecollectionthatUriahwaslyinginthenextroom,satheavyonmelikeawakingnightmare;andoppressedmewithaleadendread,asifIhadhadsomemeanerqualityofdevilforalodger.Thepokergotintomydozingthoughtsbesides,andwouldn'tcomeout.Ithought,betweensleepingandwaking,thatitwasstillredhot,andIhadsnatcheditoutofthefire,andrunhimthroughthebody.Iwassohauntedatlastbytheidea,thoughIknewtherewasnothinginit,thatIstoleintothenextroomtolookathim.
ThereIsawhim,lyingonhisback,withhislegsextendingtoIdon'tknowwhere,gurglingstakingplaceinhisthroat,stoppagesinhisnose,andhismouthopenlikeapost-office.Hewassomuchworseinrealitythaninmydistemperedfancy,thatafterwardsIwasattractedtohiminveryrepulsion,andcouldnothelpwanderinginandouteveryhalf-hourorso,andtakinganotherlookathim.Still,thelong,longnightseemedheavyandhopelessasever,andnopromiseofdaywasinthemurkysky.WhenIsawhimgoingdownstairsearlyinthemorning(for,thankHeaven!hewouldnotstaytobreakfast),itappearedtomeasifthenightwasgoingawayinhisperson.WhenIwentouttotheCommons,IchargedMrs.Cruppwithparticulardirectionstoleavethewindowsopen,thatmysitting-roommightbeaired,andpurgedofhispresence.CHAPTER26IFALLINTOCAPTIVITYIsawnomoreofUriahHeep,untilthedaywhenAgneslefttown.Iwasatthecoachofficetotakeleaveofherandseehergo;andtherewashe,returningtoCanterburybythesameconveyance.It
wassomesmallsatisfactiontometoobservehisspare,short-waisted,high-shouldered,mulberry-colouredgreat-coatperchedup,incompanywithanumbrellalikeasmalltent,ontheedgeofthebackseatontheroof,whileAgneswas,ofcourse,inside;butwhatIunderwentinmyeffortstobefriendlywithhim,whileAgneslookedon,perhapsdeservedthatlittlerecompense.Atthecoachwindow,asatthedinner-party,hehoveredaboutuswithoutamoment'sintermission,likeagreatvulture:gorginghimselfoneverysyllablethatIsaidtoAgnes,orAgnessaidtome.Inthestateoftroubleintowhichhisdisclosurebymyfirehadthrownme,IhadthoughtverymuchofthewordsAgneshadusedinreferencetothepartnership.'IdidwhatIhopewasright.Feelingsurethatitwasnecessaryforpapa'speacethatthesacrificeshouldbemade,Ientreatedhimtomakeit.'Amiserableforebodingthatshewouldyieldto,andsustainherselfby,thesamefeelinginreferencetoanysacrificeforhissake,hadoppressedmeeversince.Iknewhowshelovedhim.Iknewwhatthedevotionofhernaturewas.Iknewfromherownlipsthatsheregardedherselfastheinnocentcauseofhiserrors,andasowinghimagreatdebtsheardentlydesiredtopay.IhadnoconsolationinseeinghowdifferentshewasfromthisdetestableRufuswiththe
mulberry-colouredgreat-coat,forIfeltthatintheverydifferencebetweenthem,intheself-denialofherpuresoulandthesordidbasenessofhis,thegreatestdangerlay.Allthis,doubtless,heknewthoroughly,andhad,inhiscunning,consideredwell.YetIwassocertainthattheprospectofsuchasacrificeafaroff,mustdestroythehappinessofAgnes;andIwassosure,fromhermanner,ofitsbeingunseenbyherthen,andhavingcastnoshadowonheryet;thatIcouldassoonhaveinjuredher,asgivenheranywarningofwhatimpended.Thusitwasthatwepartedwithoutexplanation:shewavingherhandandsmilingfarewellfromthecoachwindow;herevilgeniuswrithingontheroof,asifhehadherinhisclutchesandtriumphed.Icouldnotgetoverthisfarewellglimpseofthemforalongtime.WhenAgneswrotetotellmeofhersafearrival,IwasasmiserableaswhenIsawhergoingaway.WheneverIfellintoathoughtfulstate,thissubjectwassuretopresentitself,andallmyuneasinesswassuretoberedoubled.Hardlyanightpassedwithoutmydreamingofit.Itbecameapartofmylife,andasinseparablefrommylifeasmyownhead.
Ihadampleleisuretorefineuponmyuneasiness:forSteerforthwasatOxford,ashewrotetome,andwhenIwasnotattheCommons,Iwasverymuchalone.IbelieveIhadatthistimesomelurkingdistrustofSteerforth.Iwrotetohimmostaffectionatelyinreplytohis,butIthinkIwasglad,uponthewhole,thathecouldnotcometoLondonjustthen.Isuspectthetruthtobe,thattheinfluenceofAgneswasuponme,undisturbedbythesightofhim;andthatitwasthemorepowerfulwithme,becauseshehadsolargeashareinmythoughtsandinterest.Inthemeantime,daysandweeksslippedaway.IwasarticledtoSpenlowandJorkins.Ihadninetypoundsayear(exclusiveofmyhouse-rentandsundrycollateralmatters)frommyaunt.Myroomswereengagedfortwelvemonthscertain:andthoughIstillfoundthemdrearyofanevening,andtheeveningslong,Icouldsettledownintoastateofequablelowspirits,andresignmyselftocoffee;whichIseem,onlookingback,tohavetakenbythegallonataboutthisperiodofmyexistence.Ataboutthistime,too,Imadethreediscoveries:first,thatMrs.Cruppwasamartyrtoacuriousdisordercalled'thespazzums',whichwasgenerallyaccompaniedwithinflammationofthenose,andrequiredtobeconstantlytreatedwithpeppermint;secondly,thatsomethingpeculiarinthetemperatureofmypantry,madethebrandy-bottles
burst;thirdly,thatIwasaloneintheworld,andmuchgiventorecordthatcircumstanceinfragmentsofEnglishversification.OnthedaywhenIwasarticled,nofestivitytookplace,beyondmyhavingsandwichesandsherryintotheofficefortheclerks,andgoingalonetothetheatreatnight.IwenttoseeTheStranger,asaDoctors'Commonssortofplay,andwassodreadfullycutup,thatIhardlyknewmyselfinmyownglasswhenIgothome.Mr.Spenlowremarked,onthisoccasion,whenweconcludedourbusiness,thatheshouldhavebeenhappytohaveseenmeathishouseatNorwoodtocelebrateourbecomingconnected,butforhisdomesticarrangementsbeinginsomedisorder,onaccountoftheexpectedreturnofhisdaughterfromfinishinghereducationatParis.But,heintimatedthatwhenshecamehomeheshouldhopetohavethepleasureofentertainingme.Iknewthathewasawidowerwithonedaughter,andexpressedmyacknowledgements.Mr.Spenlowwasasgoodashisword.Inaweekortwo,hereferredtothisengagement,andsaid,thatifIwoulddohimthefavourtocomedownnextSaturday,andstaytillMonday,hewouldbeextremelyhappy.OfcourseIsaidIwoulddohimthefavour;andhewastodrivemedowninhisphaeton,andtobringmeback.
Whenthedayarrived,myverycarpet-bagwasanobjectofvenerationtothestipendiaryclerks,towhomthehouseatNorwoodwasasacredmystery.OneoftheminformedmethathehadheardthatMr.Spenlowateentirelyoffplateandchina;andanotherhintedatchampagnebeingconstantlyondraught,aftertheusualcustomoftable-beer.Theoldclerkwiththewig,whosenamewasMr.Tiffey,hadbeendownonbusinessseveraltimesinthecourseofhiscareer,andhadoneachoccasionpenetratedtothebreakfast-parlour.Hedescribeditasanapartmentofthemostsumptuousnature,andsaidthathehaddrunkbrownEastIndiasherrythere,ofaqualitysopreciousastomakeamanwink.WehadanadjournedcauseintheConsistorythatday-aboutexcommunicatingabakerwhohadbeenobjectinginavestrytoapaving-rate-andastheevidencewasjusttwicethelengthofRobinsonCrusoe,accordingtoacalculationImade,itwasratherlateinthedaybeforewefinished.However,wegothimexcommunicatedforsixweeks,andsentencedinnoendofcosts;andthenthebaker'sproctor,andthejudge,andtheadvocatesonbothsides(whowereallnearlyrelated),wentoutoftowntogether,andMr.SpenlowandIdroveawayinthephaeton.Thephaetonwasaveryhandsomeaffair;thehorsesarchedtheirnecksandlifteduptheirlegsasiftheyknewtheybelongedto
Doctors'Commons.TherewasagooddealofcompetitionintheCommonsonallpointsofdisplay,anditturnedoutsomeverychoiceequipagesthen;thoughIalwayshaveconsidered,andalwaysshallconsider,thatinmytimethegreatarticleofcompetitiontherewasstarch:whichIthinkwaswornamongtheproctorstoasgreatanextentasitisinthenatureofmantobear.Wewereverypleasant,goingdown,andMr.Spenlowgavemesomehintsinreferencetomyprofession.Hesaiditwasthegenteelestprofessionintheworld,andmustonnoaccountbeconfoundedwiththeprofessionofasolicitor:beingquiteanothersortofthing,infinitelymoreexclusive,lessmechanical,andmoreprofitable.WetookthingsmuchmoreeasilyintheCommonsthantheycouldbetakenanywhereelse,heobserved,andthatsetus,asaprivilegedclass,apart.Hesaiditwasimpossibletoconcealthedisagreeablefact,thatwewerechieflyemployedbysolicitors;buthegavemetounderstandthattheywereaninferiorraceofmen,universallylookeddownuponbyallproctorsofanypretensions.IaskedMr.Spenlowwhatheconsideredthebestsortofprofessionalbusiness?Hereplied,thatagoodcaseofadisputedwill,wheretherewasaneatlittleestateofthirtyorfortythousandpounds,was,perhaps,thebestofall.Insuchacase,he
said,notonlywerethereveryprettypickings,inthewayofargumentsateverystageoftheproceedings,andmountainsuponmountainsofevidenceoninterrogatoryandcounter-interrogatory(tosaynothingofanappeallying,firsttotheDelegates,andthentotheLords),but,thecostsbeingprettysuretocomeoutoftheestateatlast,bothsideswentatitinalivelyandspiritedmanner,andexpensewasnoconsideration.Then,helaunchedintoageneraleulogiumontheCommons.Whatwastobeparticularlyadmired(hesaid)intheCommons,wasitscompactness.Itwasthemostconvenientlyorganizedplaceintheworld.Itwasthecompleteideaofsnugness.Itlayinanutshell.Forexample:Youbroughtadivorcecase,orarestitutioncase,intotheConsistory.Verygood.YoutrieditintheConsistory.Youmadeaquietlittleroundgameofit,amongafamilygroup,andyouplayeditoutatleisure.SupposeyouwerenotsatisfiedwiththeConsistory,whatdidyoudothen?Why,youwentintotheArches.WhatwastheArches?Thesamecourt,inthesameroom,withthesamebar,andthesamepractitioners,butanotherjudge,fortheretheConsistoryjudgecouldpleadanycourt-dayasanadvocate.Well,youplayedyourroundgameoutagain.Stillyouwerenotsatisfied.Verygood.Whatdidyoudothen?Why,youwenttotheDelegates.WhoweretheDelegates?Why,theEcclesiasticalDelegatesweretheadvocateswithoutanybusiness,whohadlooked
onattheroundgamewhenitwasplayinginbothcourts,andhadseenthecardsshuffled,andcut,andplayed,andhadtalkedtoalltheplayersaboutit,andnowcamefresh,asjudges,tosettlethemattertothesatisfactionofeverybody!DiscontentedpeoplemighttalkofcorruptionintheCommons,closenessintheCommons,andthenecessityofreformingtheCommons,saidMr.Spenlowsolemnly,inconclusion;butwhenthepriceofwheatperbushelhadbeenhighest,theCommonshadbeenbusiest;andamanmightlayhishanduponhisheart,andsaythistothewholeworld,-'TouchtheCommons,anddowncomesthecountry!'Ilistenedtoallthiswithattention;andthough,Imustsay,IhadmydoubtswhetherthecountrywasquiteasmuchobligedtotheCommonsasMr.Spenlowmadeout,Irespectfullydeferredtohisopinion.Thataboutthepriceofwheatperbushel,Imodestlyfeltwastoomuchformystrength,andquitesettledthequestion.Ihavenever,tothishour,gotthebetterofthatbushelofwheat.Ithasreappearedtoannihilateme,allthroughmylife,inconnexionwithallkindsofsubjects.Idon'tknownow,exactly,whatithastodowithme,orwhatrightithastocrushme,onaninfinitevarietyofoccasions;butwheneverIseemyoldfriendthebushelbroughtinbytheheadandshoulders(ashealwaysis,Iobserve),Igiveupasubjectforlost.
Thisisadigression.IwasnotthemantotouchtheCommons,andbringdownthecountry.Isubmissivelyexpressed,bymysilence,myacquiescenceinallIhadheardfrommysuperiorinyearsandknowledge;andwetalkedaboutTheStrangerandtheDrama,andthepairsofhorses,untilwecametoMr.Spenlow'sgate.TherewasalovelygardentoMr.Spenlow'shouse;andthoughthatwasnotthebesttimeoftheyearforseeingagarden,itwassobeautifullykept,thatIwasquiteenchanted.Therewasacharminglawn,therewereclustersoftrees,andtherewereperspectivewalksthatIcouldjustdistinguishinthedark,archedoverwithtrellis-work,onwhichshrubsandflowersgrewinthegrowingseason.'HereMissSpenlowwalksbyherself,'Ithought.'Dearme!'Wewentintothehouse,whichwascheerfullylightedup,andintoahallwheretherewereallsortsofhats,caps,great-coats,plaids,gloves,whips,andwalking-sticks.'WhereisMissDora?'saidMr.Spenlowtotheservant.'Dora!'Ithought.'Whatabeautifulname!'Weturnedintoaroomnearathand(Ithinkitwastheidentical
breakfast-room,madememorablebythebrownEastIndiansherry),andIheardavoicesay,'Mr.Copperfield,mydaughterDora,andmydaughterDora'sconfidentialfriend!'Itwas,nodoubt,Mr.Spenlow'svoice,butIdidn'tknowit,andIdidn'tcarewhoseitwas.Allwasoverinamoment.Ihadfulfilledmydestiny.Iwasacaptiveandaslave.IlovedDoraSpenlowtodistraction!Shewasmorethanhumantome.ShewasaFairy,aSylph,Idon'tknowwhatshewas-anythingthatnooneeversaw,andeverythingthateverybodyeverwanted.Iwasswallowedupinanabyssofloveinaninstant.Therewasnopausingonthebrink;nolookingdown,orlookingback;Iwasgone,headlong,beforeIhadsensetosayawordtoher.'I,'observedawell-rememberedvoice,whenIhadbowedandmurmuredsomething,'haveseenMr.Copperfieldbefore.'ThespeakerwasnotDora.No;theconfidentialfriend,MissMurdstone!Idon'tthinkIwasmuchastonished.Tothebestofmyjudgement,nocapacityofastonishmentwasleftinme.Therewasnothingworthmentioninginthematerialworld,butDoraSpenlow,tobe
astonishedabout.Isaid,'Howdoyoudo,MissMurdstone?Ihopeyouarewell.'Sheanswered,'Verywell.'Isaid,'HowisMr.Murdstone?'Shereplied,'Mybrotherisrobust,Iamobligedtoyou.'Mr.Spenlow,who,Isuppose,hadbeensurprisedtoseeusrecognizeeachother,thenputinhisword.'Iamgladtofind,'hesaid,'Copperfield,thatyouandMissMurdstonearealreadyacquainted.''Mr.Copperfieldandmyself,'saidMissMurdstone,withseverecomposure,'areconnexions.Wewereonceslightlyacquainted.Itwasinhischildishdays.Circumstanceshaveseparatedussince.Ishouldnothaveknownhim.'IrepliedthatIshouldhaveknownher,anywhere.Whichwastrueenough.'MissMurdstonehashadthegoodness,'saidMr.Spenlowtome,'toaccepttheoffice-ifImaysodescribeit-ofmydaughterDora'sconfidentialfriend.MydaughterDorahaving,unhappily,nomother,MissMurdstoneisobligingenoughtobecomehercompanion
andprotector.'ApassingthoughtoccurredtomethatMissMurdstone,likethepocketinstrumentcalledalife-preserver,wasnotsomuchdesignedforpurposesofprotectionasofassault.ButasIhadnonebutpassingthoughtsforanysubjectsaveDora,Iglancedather,directlyafterwards,andwasthinkingthatIsaw,inherprettilypettishmanner,thatshewasnotverymuchinclinedtobeparticularlyconfidentialtohercompanionandprotector,whenabellrang,whichMr.Spenlowsaidwasthefirstdinner-bell,andsocarriedmeofftodress.Theideaofdressingone'sself,ordoinganythinginthewayofaction,inthatstateoflove,wasalittletooridiculous.Icouldonlysitdownbeforemyfire,bitingthekeyofmycarpet-bag,andthinkofthecaptivating,girlish,bright-eyedlovelyDora.Whataformshehad,whatafaceshehad,whatagraceful,variable,enchantingmanner!ThebellrangagainsosoonthatImadeamerescrambleofmydressing,insteadofthecarefuloperationIcouldhavewishedunderthecircumstances,andwentdownstairs.Therewassomecompany.Dorawastalkingtoanoldgentlemanwithagreyhead.
Greyashewas-andagreat-grandfatherintothebargain,forhesaidso-Iwasmadlyjealousofhim.WhatastateofmindIwasin!Iwasjealousofeverybody.Icouldn'tbeartheideaofanybodyknowingMr.SpenlowbetterthanIdid.ItwastorturingtometohearthemtalkofoccurrencesinwhichIhadhadnoshare.Whenamostamiableperson,withahighlypolishedbaldhead,askedmeacrossthedinnertable,ifthatwerethefirstoccasionofmyseeingthegrounds,Icouldhavedoneanythingtohimthatwassavageandrevengeful.Idon'trememberwhowasthere,exceptDora.Ihavenottheleastideawhatwehadfordinner,besidesDora.Myimpressionis,thatIdinedoffDora,entirely,andsentawayhalf-a-dozenplatesuntouched.Isatnexttoher.Italkedtoher.Shehadthemostdelightfullittlevoice,thegayestlittlelaugh,thepleasantestandmostfascinatinglittleways,thateverledalostyouthintohopelessslavery.Shewasratherdiminutivealtogether.Somuchthemoreprecious,Ithought.WhenshewentoutoftheroomwithMissMurdstone(nootherladieswereoftheparty),Ifellintoareverie,onlydisturbedbythecruelapprehensionthatMissMurdstonewoulddisparagemetoher.
Theamiablecreaturewiththepolishedheadtoldmealongstory,whichIthinkwasaboutgardening.IthinkIheardhimsay,'mygardener',severaltimes.Iseemedtopaythedeepestattentiontohim,butIwaswanderinginagardenofEdenallthewhile,withDora.Myapprehensionsofbeingdisparagedtotheobjectofmyengrossingaffectionwererevivedwhenwewentintothedrawing-room,bythegrimanddistantaspectofMissMurdstone.ButIwasrelievedoftheminanunexpectedmanner.'DavidCopperfield,'saidMissMurdstone,beckoningmeasideintoawindow.'Aword.'IconfrontedMissMurdstonealone.'DavidCopperfield,'saidMissMurdstone,'Ineednotenlargeuponfamilycircumstances.Theyarenotatemptingsubject.''Farfromit,ma'am,'Ireturned.'Farfromit,'assentedMissMurdstone.'Idonotwishtorevivethememoryofpastdifferences,orofpastoutrages.Ihavereceivedoutragesfromaperson-afemaleIamsorrytosay,for
thecreditofmysex-whoisnottobementionedwithoutscornanddisgust;andthereforeIwouldrathernotmentionher.'Ifeltveryfieryonmyaunt'saccount;butIsaiditwouldcertainlybebetter,ifMissMurdstonepleased,nottomentionher.Icouldnothearherdisrespectfullymentioned,Iadded,withoutexpressingmyopinioninadecidedtone.MissMurdstoneshuthereyes,anddisdainfullyinclinedherhead;then,slowlyopeninghereyes,resumed:'DavidCopperfield,Ishallnotattempttodisguisethefact,thatIformedanunfavourableopinionofyouinyourchildhood.Itmayhavebeenamistakenone,oryoumayhaveceasedtojustifyit.Thatisnotinquestionbetweenusnow.Ibelongtoafamilyremarkable,Ibelieve,forsomefirmness;andIamnotthecreatureofcircumstanceorchange.Imayhavemyopinionofyou.Youmayhaveyouropinionofme.'Iinclinedmyhead,inmyturn.'Butitisnotnecessary,'saidMissMurdstone,'thattheseopinionsshouldcomeintocollisionhere.Underexisting
circumstances,itisaswellonallaccountsthattheyshouldnot.Asthechancesoflifehavebroughtustogetheragain,andmaybringustogetheronotheroccasions,Iwouldsay,letusmeethereasdistantacquaintances.Familycircumstancesareasufficientreasonforouronlymeetingonthatfooting,anditisquiteunnecessarythateitherofusshouldmaketheotherthesubjectofremark.Doyouapproveofthis?''MissMurdstone,'Ireturned,'IthinkyouandMr.Murdstoneusedmeverycruelly,andtreatedmymotherwithgreatunkindness.Ishallalwaysthinkso,aslongasIlive.ButIquiteagreeinwhatyoupropose.'MissMurdstoneshuthereyesagain,andbentherhead.Then,justtouchingthebackofmyhandwiththetipsofhercold,stifffingers,shewalkedaway,arrangingthelittlefettersonherwristsandroundherneck;whichseemedtobethesameset,inexactlythesamestate,aswhenIhadseenherlast.Theseremindedme,inreferencetoMissMurdstone'snature,ofthefettersoverajaildoor;suggestingontheoutside,toallbeholders,whatwastobeexpectedwithin.
AllIknowoftherestoftheeveningis,thatIheardtheempressofmyheartsingenchantedballadsintheFrenchlanguage,generallytotheeffectthat,whateverwasthematter,weoughtalwaystodance,Tarala,Tarala!accompanyingherselfonaglorifiedinstrument,resemblingaguitar.ThatIwaslostinblissfuldelirium.ThatIrefusedrefreshment.Thatmysoulrecoiledfrompunchparticularly.ThatwhenMissMurdstonetookherintocustodyandledheraway,shesmiledandgavemeherdelicioushand.ThatIcaughtaviewofmyselfinamirror,lookingperfectlyimbecileandidiotic.ThatIretiredtobedinamostmaudlinstateofmind,andgotupinacrisisoffeebleinfatuation.Itwasafinemorning,andearly,andIthoughtIwouldgoandtakeastrolldownoneofthosewire-archedwalks,andindulgemypassionbydwellingonherimage.Onmywaythroughthehall,Iencounteredherlittledog,whowascalledJip-shortforGipsy.Iapproachedhimtenderly,forIlovedevenhim;butheshowedhiswholesetofteeth,gotunderachairexpresslytosnarl,andwouldn'thearoftheleastfamiliarity.Thegardenwascoolandsolitary.Iwalkedabout,wonderingwhatmyfeelingsofhappinesswouldbe,ifIcouldeverbecomeengaged
tothisdearwonder.Astomarriage,andfortune,andallthat,IbelieveIwasalmostasinnocentlyundesigningthen,aswhenIlovedlittleEm'ly.Tobeallowedtocallher'Dora',towritetoher,todoteuponandworshipher,tohavereasontothinkthatwhenshewaswithotherpeopleshewasyetmindfulofme,seemedtomethesummitofhumanambition-Iamsureitwasthesummitofmine.ThereisnodoubtwhateverthatIwasalackadaisicalyoungspooney;buttherewasapurityofheartinallthis,thatpreventsmyhavingquiteacontemptuousrecollectionofit,letmelaughasImay.Ihadnotbeenwalkinglong,whenIturnedacorner,andmether.Itingleagainfromheadtofootasmyrecollectionturnsthatcorner,andmypenshakesinmyhand.'You-are-outearly,MissSpenlow,'saidI.'It'ssostupidathome,'shereplied,'andMissMurdstoneissoabsurd!Shetalkssuchnonsenseaboutitsbeingnecessaryforthedaytobeaired,beforeIcomeout.Aired!'(Shelaughed,here,inthemostmelodiousmanner.)'OnaSundaymorning,whenIdon'tpractise,Imustdosomething.SoItoldpapalastnightImustcomeout.Besides,it'sthebrightesttimeofthewholeday.
Don'tyouthinkso?'Ihazardedaboldflight,andsaid(notwithoutstammering)thatitwasverybrighttomethen,thoughithadbeenverydarktomeaminutebefore.'Doyoumeanacompliment?'saidDora,'orthattheweatherhasreallychanged?'Istammeredworsethanbefore,inreplyingthatImeantnocompliment,buttheplaintruth;thoughIwasnotawareofanychangehavingtakenplaceintheweather.Itwasinthestateofmyownfeelings,Iaddedbashfully:toclenchtheexplanation.Ineversawsuchcurls-howcouldI,forthereneverweresuchcurls!-asthosesheshookouttohideherblushes.Astothestrawhatandblueribbonswhichwasonthetopofthecurls,ifIcouldonlyhavehungitupinmyroominBuckinghamStreet,whatapricelesspossessionitwouldhavebeen!'YouhavejustcomehomefromParis,'saidI.'Yes,'saidshe.'Haveyoueverbeenthere?'
'No.''Oh!Ihopeyou'llgosoon!Youwouldlikeitsomuch!'Tracesofdeep-seatedanguishappearedinmycountenance.ThatsheshouldhopeIwouldgo,thatsheshouldthinkitpossibleIcouldgo,wasinsupportable.IdepreciatedParis;IdepreciatedFrance.IsaidIwouldn'tleaveEngland,underexistingcircumstances,foranyearthlyconsideration.Nothingshouldinduceme.Inshort,shewasshakingthecurlsagain,whenthelittledogcamerunningalongthewalktoourrelief.Hewasmortallyjealousofme,andpersistedinbarkingatme.Shetookhimupinherarms-ohmygoodness!-andcaressedhim,buthepersisteduponbarkingstill.Hewouldn'tletmetouchhim,whenItried;andthenshebeathim.Itincreasedmysufferingsgreatlytoseethepatsshegavehimforpunishmentonthebridgeofhisbluntnose,whilehewinkedhiseyes,andlickedherhand,andstillgrowledwithinhimselflikealittledouble-bass.Atlengthhewasquiet-wellhemightbewithherdimpledchinuponhishead!-andwewalkedawaytolookatagreenhouse.
'YouarenotveryintimatewithMissMurdstone,areyou?'saidDora.-'Mypet.'(Thetwolastwordsweretothedog.Oh,iftheyhadonlybeentome!)'No,'Ireplied.'Notatallso.''Sheisatiresomecreature,'saidDora,pouting.'Ican'tthinkwhatpapacanhavebeenabout,whenhechosesuchavexatiousthingtobemycompanion.Whowantsaprotector?IamsureIdon'twantaprotector.JipcanprotectmeagreatdealbetterthanMissMurdstone,-can'tyou,Jip,dear?'Heonlywinkedlazily,whenshekissedhisballofahead.'Papacallshermyconfidentialfriend,butIamsuresheisnosuchthing-isshe,Jip?Wearenotgoingtoconfideinanysuchcrosspeople,JipandI.Wemeantobestowourconfidencewherewelike,andtofindoutourownfriends,insteadofhavingthemfoundoutforus-don'twe,Jip?'jipmadeacomfortablenoise,inanswer,alittlelikeatea-kettle
whenitsings.Asforme,everywordwasanewheapoffetters,rivetedabovethelast.'Itisveryhard,becausewehavenotakindMama,thatwearetohave,instead,asulky,gloomyoldthinglikeMissMurdstone,alwaysfollowingusabout-isn'tit,Jip?Nevermind,Jip.Wewon'tbeconfidential,andwe'llmakeourselvesashappyaswecaninspiteofher,andwe'llteaseher,andnotpleaseher-won'twe,Jip?'Ifithadlastedanylonger,IthinkImusthavegonedownonmykneesonthegravel,withtheprobabilitybeforemeofgrazingthem,andofbeingpresentlyejectedfromthepremisesbesides.But,bygoodfortunethegreenhousewasnotfaroff,andthesewordsbroughtustoit.Itcontainedquiteashowofbeautifulgeraniums.Weloiteredalonginfrontofthem,andDoraoftenstoppedtoadmirethisoneorthatone,andIstoppedtoadmirethesameone,andDora,laughing,heldthedogupchildishly,tosmelltheflowers;andifwewerenotallthreeinFairyland,certainlyIwas.Thescentofageraniumleaf,atthisday,strikesmewithahalfcomicalhalfseriouswonderastowhatchangehascomeovermeinamoment;and
thenIseeastrawhatandblueribbons,andaquantityofcurls,andalittleblackdogbeingheldup,intwoslenderarms,againstabankofblossomsandbrightleaves.MissMurdstonehadbeenlookingforus.Shefoundushere;andpresentedheruncongenialcheek,thelittlewrinklesinitfilledwithhairpowder,toDoratobekissed.ThenshetookDora'sarminhers,andmarchedusintobreakfastasifitwereasoldier'sfuneral.HowmanycupsofteaIdrank,becauseDoramadeit,Idon'tknow.But,IperfectlyrememberthatIsatswillingteauntilmywholenervoussystem,ifIhadhadanyinthosedays,musthavegonebytheboard.Byandbywewenttochurch.MissMurdstonewasbetweenDoraandmeinthepew;butIheardhersing,andthecongregationvanished.Asermonwasdelivered-aboutDora,ofcourse-andIamafraidthatisallIknowoftheservice.Wehadaquietday.Nocompany,awalk,afamilydinneroffour,andaneveningoflookingoverbooksandpictures;MissMurdstonewithahomilybeforeher,andhereyeuponus,keepingguardvigilantly.Ah!littledidMr.Spenlowimagine,whenhesatoppositetomeafterdinnerthatday,withhispocket-handkerchief
overhishead,howferventlyIwasembracinghim,inmyfancy,ashisson-in-law!Littledidhethink,whenItookleaveofhimatnight,thathehadjustgivenhisfullconsenttomybeingengagedtoDora,andthatIwasinvokingblessingsonhishead!Wedepartedearlyinthemorning,forwehadaSalvagecasecomingonintheAdmiraltyCourt,requiringaratheraccurateknowledgeofthewholescienceofnavigation,inwhich(aswecouldn'tbeexpectedtoknowmuchaboutthosemattersintheCommons)thejudgehadentreatedtwooldTrinityMasters,forcharity'ssake,tocomeandhelphimout.Dorawasatthebreakfast-tabletomaketheteaagain,however;andIhadthemelancholypleasureoftakingoffmyhattoherinthephaeton,asshestoodonthedoor-stepwithJipinherarms.WhattheAdmiraltywastomethatday;whatnonsenseImadeofourcaseinmymind,asIlistenedtoit;howIsaw'DORA'engraveduponthebladeofthesilveroarwhichtheylayuponthetable,astheemblemofthathighjurisdiction;andhowIfeltwhenMr.Spenlowwenthomewithoutme(Ihadhadaninsanehopethathemighttakemebackagain),asifIwereamarinermyself,andtheshiptowhichIbelongedhadsailedawayandleftmeonadesertisland;Ishallmakenofruitlessefforttodescribe.Ifthat
sleepyoldcourtcouldrouseitself,andpresentinanyvisibleformthedaydreamsIhavehadinitaboutDora,itwouldrevealmytruth.Idon'tmeanthedreamsthatIdreamedonthatdayalone,butdayafterday,fromweektoweek,andtermtoterm.Iwentthere,nottoattendtowhatwasgoingon,buttothinkaboutDora.IfeverIbestowedathoughtuponthecases,astheydraggedtheirslowlengthbeforeme,itwasonlytowonder,inthematrimonialcases(rememberingDora),howitwasthatmarriedpeoplecouldeverbeotherwisethanhappy;and,inthePrerogativecases,toconsider,ifthemoneyinquestionhadbeenlefttome,whatweretheforemoststepsIshouldimmediatelyhavetakeninregardtoDora.Withinthefirstweekofmypassion,Iboughtfoursumptuouswaistcoats-notformyself;Ihadnoprideinthem;forDora-andtooktowearingstraw-colouredkidglovesinthestreets,andlaidthefoundationsofallthecornsIhaveeverhad.IfthebootsIworeatthatperiodcouldonlybeproducedandcomparedwiththenaturalsizeofmyfeet,theywouldshowwhatthestateofmyheartwas,inamostaffectingmanner.Andyet,wretchedcrippleasImademyselfbythisactofhomagetoDora,Iwalkedmilesuponmilesdailyinthehopeofseeingher.
NotonlywasIsoonaswellknownontheNorwoodRoadasthepostmenonthatbeat,butIpervadedLondonlikewise.Iwalkedaboutthestreetswherethebestshopsforladieswere,IhauntedtheBazaarlikeanunquietspirit,IfaggedthroughtheParkagainandagain,longafterIwasquiteknockedup.Sometimes,atlongintervalsandonrareoccasions,Isawher.PerhapsIsawherglovewavedinacarriagewindow;perhapsImether,walkedwithherandMissMurdstonealittleway,andspoketoher.InthelattercaseIwasalwaysverymiserableafterwards,tothinkthatIhadsaidnothingtothepurpose;orthatshehadnoideaoftheextentofmydevotion,orthatshecarednothingaboutme.Iwasalwayslookingout,asmaybesupposed,foranotherinvitationtoMr.Spenlow'shouse.Iwasalwaysbeingdisappointed,forIgotnone.Mrs.Cruppmusthavebeenawomanofpenetration;forwhenthisattachmentwasbutafewweeksold,andIhadnothadthecouragetowritemoreexplicitlyeventoAgnes,thanthatIhadbeentoMr.Spenlow'shouse,'whosefamily,'Iadded,'consistsofonedaughter';-IsayMrs.Cruppmusthavebeenawomanofpenetration,for,eveninthatearlystage,shefounditout.Shecameuptomeoneevening,whenIwasverylow,toask(shebeingthenafflictedwiththedisorderIhavementioned)ifIcould
obligeherwithalittletinctureofcardamumsmixedwithrhubarb,andflavouredwithsevendropsoftheessenceofcloves,whichwasthebestremedyforhercomplaint;-or,ifIhadnotsuchathingbyme,withalittlebrandy,whichwasthenextbest.Itwasnot,sheremarked,sopalatabletoher,butitwasthenextbest.AsIhadneverevenheardofthefirstremedy,andalwayshadthesecondinthecloset,IgaveMrs.Cruppaglassofthesecond,which(thatImighthavenosuspicionofitsbeingdevotedtoanyimproperuse)shebegantotakeinmypresence.'Cheerup,sir,'saidMrs.Crupp.'Ican'tabeartoseeyouso,sir:I'mamothermyself.'Ididnotquiteperceivetheapplicationofthisfacttomyself,butIsmiledonMrs.Crupp,asbenignlyaswasinmypower.'Come,sir,'saidMrs.Crupp.'Excuseme.Iknowwhatitis,sir.There'saladyinthecase.''Mrs.Crupp?'Ireturned,reddening.'Oh,blessyou!Keepagoodheart,sir!'saidMrs.Crupp,noddingencouragement.'Neversaydie,sir!IfShedon'tsmileuponyou,
there'samanyaswill.Youareayounggentlemantobesmiledon,Mr.Copperfull,andyoumustlearnyourwalue,sir.'Mrs.CruppalwayscalledmeMr.Copperfull:firstly,nodoubt,becauseitwasnotmyname;andsecondly,Iaminclinedtothink,insomeindistinctassociationwithawashing-day.'Whatmakesyousupposethereisanyyoungladyinthecase,Mrs.Crupp?'saidI.'Mr.Copperfull,'saidMrs.Crupp,withagreatdealoffeeling,'I'mamothermyself.'ForsometimeMrs.Cruppcouldonlylayherhanduponhernankeenbosom,andfortifyherselfagainstreturningpainwithsipsofhermedicine.Atlengthshespokeagain.'Whenthepresentsetweretookforyoubyyourdearaunt,Mr.Copperfull,'saidMrs.Crupp,'myremarkwere,IhadnowfoundsummunIcouldcarefor."ThankEv'in!"weretheexpression,"IhavenowfoundsummunIcancarefor!"-Youdon'teatenough,sir,noryetdrink.'
'Isthatwhatyoufoundyoursuppositionon,Mrs.Crupp?'saidI.'Sir,'saidMrs.Crupp,inatoneapproachingtoseverity,'I'velaundressedotheryounggentlemenbesidesyourself.Ayounggentlemanmaybeover-carefulofhimself,orhemaybeunder-carefulofhimself.Hemaybrushhishairtooregular,ortooun-regular.Hemaywearhisbootsmuchtoolargeforhim,ormuchtoosmall.Thatisaccordingastheyounggentlemanhashisoriginalcharacterformed.Butlethimgotowhichextremehemay,sir,there'sayoungladyinbothof'em.'Mrs.Cruppshookherheadinsuchadeterminedmanner,thatIhadnotaninchofvantage-groundleft.'Itwasbutthegentlemanwhichdiedherebeforeyourself,'saidMrs.Crupp,'thatfellinlove-withabarmaid-andhadhiswaistcoatstookindirectly,thoughmuchswelledbydrinking.''Mrs.Crupp,'saidI,'Imustbegyounottoconnecttheyoungladyinmycasewithabarmaid,oranythingofthatsort,ifyouplease.''Mr.Copperfull,'returnedMrs.Crupp,'I'mamothermyself,and
notlikely.Iaskyourpardon,sir,ifIintrude.IshouldneverwishtointrudewhereIwerenotwelcome.Butyouareayounggentleman,Mr.Copperfull,andmyadwicetoyouis,tocheerup,sir,tokeepagoodheart,andtoknowyourownwalue.Ifyouwastotaketosomething,sir,'saidMrs.Crupp,'ifyouwastotaketoskittles,now,whichishealthy,youmightfinditdivertyourmind,anddoyougood.'Withthesewords,Mrs.Crupp,affectingtobeverycarefulofthebrandy-whichwasallgone-thankedmewithamajesticcurtsey,andretired.Asherfiguredisappearedintothegloomoftheentry,thiscounselcertainlypresenteditselftomymindinthelightofaslightlibertyonMrs.Crupp'spart;but,atthesametime,Iwascontenttoreceiveit,inanotherpointofview,asawordtothewise,andawarninginfuturetokeepmysecretbetter.CHAPTER27TOMMYTRADDLESItmayhavebeeninconsequenceofMrs.Crupp'sadvice,and,perhaps,fornobetterreasonthanbecausetherewasacertainsimilarityinthesoundofthewordskittlesandTraddles,thatit
cameintomyhead,nextday,togoandlookafterTraddles.Thetimehehadmentionedwasmorethanout,andhelivedinalittlestreetneartheVeterinaryCollegeatCamdenTown,whichwasprincipallytenanted,asoneofourclerkswholivedinthatdirectioninformedme,bygentlemenstudents,whoboughtlivedonkeys,andmadeexperimentsonthosequadrupedsintheirprivateapartments.Havingobtainedfromthisclerkadirectiontotheacademicgroveinquestion,Isetout,thesameafternoon,tovisitmyoldschoolfellow.IfoundthatthestreetwasnotasdesirableaoneasIcouldhavewishedittobe,forthesakeofTraddles.Theinhabitantsappearedtohaveapropensitytothrowanylittletriflestheywerenotinwantof,intotheroad:whichnotonlymadeitrankandsloppy,butuntidytoo,onaccountofthecabbage-leaves.Therefusewasnotwhollyvegetableeither,forImyselfsawashoe,adoubled-upsaucepan,ablackbonnet,andanumbrella,invariousstagesofdecomposition,asIwaslookingoutforthenumberIwanted.ThegeneralairoftheplaceremindedmeforciblyofthedayswhenIlivedwithMr.andMrs.Micawber.AnindescribablecharacteroffadedgentilitythatattachedtothehouseIsought,andmadeit
unlikealltheotherhousesinthestreet-thoughtheywereallbuiltononemonotonouspattern,andlookedliketheearlycopiesofablunderingboywhowaslearningtomakehouses,andhadnotyetgotoutofhiscrampedbrick-and-mortarpothooks-remindedmestillmoreofMr.andMrs.Micawber.Happeningtoarriveatthedoorasitwasopenedtotheafternoonmilkman,IwasremindedofMr.andMrs.Micawbermoreforciblyyet.'Now,'saidthemilkmantoaveryyouthfulservantgirl.'Hasthattherelittlebillofminebeenheerdon?''Oh,mastersayshe'llattendtoitimmediate,'wasthereply.'Because,'saidthemilkman,goingonasifhehadreceivednoanswer,andspeaking,asIjudgedfromhistone,ratherfortheedificationofsomebodywithinthehouse,thanoftheyouthfulservant-animpressionwhichwasstrengthenedbyhismannerofglaringdownthepassage-'becausethattherelittlebillhasbeenrunningsolong,thatIbegintobelieveit'srunawayaltogether,andneverwon'tbeheerdof.Now,I'mnotagoingtostandit,youknow!'saidthemilkman,stillthrowinghisvoiceintothehouse,andglaringdownthepassage.
Astohisdealinginthemildarticleofmilk,bytheby,thereneverwasagreateranomaly.Hisdeportmentwouldhavebeenfierceinabutcherorabrandy-merchant.Thevoiceoftheyouthfulservantbecamefaint,butsheseemedtome,fromtheactionofherlips,againtomurmurthatitwouldbeattendedtoimmediate.'Itellyouwhat,'saidthemilkman,lookinghardatherforthefirsttime,andtakingherbythechin,'areyoufondofmilk?''Yes,Ilikesit,'shereplied.'Good,'saidthemilkman.'Thenyouwon'thavenonetomorrow.D'yehear?Notafragmentofmilkyouwon'thavetomorrow.'Ithoughtsheseemed,uponthewhole,relievedbytheprospectofhavinganytoday.Themilkman,aftershakinghisheadatherdarkly,releasedherchin,andwithanythingratherthangood-willopenedhiscan,anddepositedtheusualquantityinthefamilyjug.Thisdone,hewentaway,muttering,andutteredthecryofhistradenextdoor,inavindictiveshriek.'DoesMr.Traddleslivehere?'Itheninquired.
Amysteriousvoicefromtheendofthepassagereplied'Yes.'Uponwhichtheyouthfulservantreplied'Yes.''Isheathome?'saidI.Againthemysteriousvoicerepliedintheaffirmative,andagaintheservantechoedit.Uponthis,Iwalkedin,andinpursuanceoftheservant'sdirectionswalkedupstairs;conscious,asIpassedthebackparlour-door,thatIwassurveyedbyamysteriouseye,probablybelongingtothemysteriousvoice.WhenIgottothetopofthestairs-thehousewasonlyastoryhighabovethegroundfloor-Traddleswasonthelandingtomeetme.Hewasdelightedtoseeme,andgavemewelcome,withgreatheartiness,tohislittleroom.Itwasinthefrontofthehouse,andextremelyneat,thoughsparelyfurnished.Itwashisonlyroom,Isaw;fortherewasasofa-bedsteadinit,andhisblacking-brushesandblackingwereamonghisbooks-onthetopshelf,behindadictionary.Histablewascoveredwithpapers,andhewashardatworkinanoldcoat.Ilookedatnothing,thatIknowof,butIsaweverything,eventotheprospectofachurchuponhischinainkstand,asIsatdown-andthis,too,wasa
facultyconfirmedinmeintheoldMicawbertimes.Variousingeniousarrangementshehadmade,forthedisguiseofhischestofdrawers,andtheaccommodationofhisboots,hisshaving-glass,andsoforth,particularlyimpressedthemselvesuponme,asevidencesofthesameTraddleswhousedtomakemodelsofelephants'densinwriting-papertoputfliesin;andtocomforthimselfunderillusage,withthememorableworksofartIhavesooftenmentioned.Inacorneroftheroomwassomethingneatlycoveredupwithalargewhitecloth.Icouldnotmakeoutwhatthatwas.'Traddles,'saidI,shakinghandswithhimagain,afterIhadsatdown,'Iamdelightedtoseeyou.''IamdelightedtoseeYOU,Copperfield,'hereturned.'Iamverygladindeedtoseeyou.ItwasbecauseIwasthoroughlygladtoseeyouwhenwemetinElyPlace,andwassureyouwerethoroughlygladtoseeme,thatIgaveyouthisaddressinsteadofmyaddressatchambers.''Oh!Youhavechambers?'saidI.'Why,Ihavethefourthofaroomandapassage,andthefourthof
aclerk,'returnedTraddles.'Threeothersandmyselfunitetohaveasetofchambers-tolookbusiness-like-andwequartertheclerktoo.Half-a-crownaweekhecostsme.'Hisoldsimplecharacterandgoodtemper,andsomethingofhisoldunluckyfortunealso,Ithought,smiledatmeinthesmilewithwhichhemadethisexplanation.'It'snotbecauseIhavetheleastpride,Copperfield,youunderstand,'saidTraddles,'thatIdon'tusuallygivemyaddresshere.It'sonlyonaccountofthosewhocometome,whomightnotliketocomehere.Formyself,Iamfightingmywayonintheworldagainstdifficulties,anditwouldberidiculousifImadeapretenceofdoinganythingelse.''Youarereadingforthebar,Mr.Waterbrookinformedme?'saidI.'Why,yes,'saidTraddles,rubbinghishandsslowlyoveroneanother.'Iamreadingforthebar.Thefactis,Ihavejustbeguntokeepmyterms,afterratheralongdelay.It'ssometimesinceIwasarticled,butthepaymentofthathundredpoundswasagreatpull.Agreatpull!'saidTraddles,withawince,asifhehadhadatoothout.
'DoyouknowwhatIcan'thelpthinkingof,Traddles,asIsitherelookingatyou?'Iaskedhim.'No,'saidhe.'Thatsky-bluesuityouusedtowear.''Lord,tobesure!'criedTraddles,laughing.'Tightinthearmsandlegs,youknow?Dearme!Well!Thosewerehappytimes,weren'tthey?''Ithinkourschoolmastermighthavemadethemhappier,withoutdoinganyharmtoanyofus,Iacknowledge,'Ireturned.'Perhapshemight,'saidTraddles.'Butdearme,therewasagooddealoffungoingon.Doyourememberthenightsinthebedroom?Whenweusedtohavethesuppers?Andwhenyouusedtotellthestories?Ha,ha,ha!AnddoyourememberwhenIgotcanedforcryingaboutMr.Mell?OldCreakle!Ishouldliketoseehimagain,too!''Hewasabrutetoyou,Traddles,'saidI,indignantly;forhis
goodhumourmademefeelasifIhadseenhimbeatenbutyesterday.'Doyouthinkso?'returnedTraddles.'Really?Perhapshewasrather.Butit'sallover,alongwhile.OldCreakle!''Youwerebroughtupbyanuncle,then?'saidI.'OfcourseIwas!'saidTraddles.'TheoneIwasalwaysgoingtowriteto.Andalwaysdidn't,eh!Ha,ha,ha!Yes,Ihadanunclethen.HediedsoonafterIleftschool.''Indeed!''Yes.Hewasaretired-whatdoyoucallit!-draper-cloth-merchant-andhadmademehisheir.Buthedidn'tlikemewhenIgrewup.''Doyoureallymeanthat?'saidI.Hewassocomposed,thatIfanciedhemusthavesomeothermeaning.'Ohdear,yes,Copperfield!Imeanit,'repliedTraddles.'Itwasanunfortunatething,buthedidn'tlikemeatall.HesaidIwasn'tatallwhatheexpected,andsohemarriedhishousekeeper.'
'Andwhatdidyoudo?'Iasked.'Ididn'tdoanythinginparticular,'saidTraddles.'Ilivedwiththem,waitingtobeputoutintheworld,untilhisgoutunfortunatelyflewtohisstomach-andsohedied,andsoshemarriedayoungman,andsoIwasn'tprovidedfor.''Didyougetnothing,Traddles,afterall?''Ohdear,yes!'saidTraddles.'Igotfiftypounds.Ihadneverbeenbroughtuptoanyprofession,andatfirstIwasatalosswhattodoformyself.However,Ibegan,withtheassistanceofthesonofaprofessionalman,whohadbeentoSalemHouse-Yawler,withhisnoseononeside.Doyourecollecthim?'No.Hehadnotbeentherewithme;allthenoseswerestraightinmyday.'Itdon'tmatter,'saidTraddles.'Ibegan,bymeansofhisassistance,tocopylawwritings.Thatdidn'tanswerverywell;andthenIbegantostatecasesforthem,andmakeabstracts,andthatsortofwork.ForIamaploddingkindoffellow,
Copperfield,andhadlearntthewayofdoingsuchthingspithily.Well!Thatputitinmyheadtoentermyselfasalawstudent;andthatranawaywithallthatwasleftofthefiftypounds.Yawlerrecommendedmetooneortwootheroffices,however-Mr.Waterbrook'sforone-andIgotagoodmanyjobs.Iwasfortunateenough,too,tobecomeacquaintedwithapersoninthepublishingway,whowasgettingupanEncyclopaedia,andhesetmetowork;and,indeed'(glancingathistable),'Iamatworkforhimatthisminute.Iamnotabadcompiler,Copperfield,'saidTraddles,preservingthesameairofcheerfulconfidenceinallhesaid,'butIhavenoinventionatall;notaparticle.IsupposethereneverwasayoungmanwithlessoriginalitythanIhave.'AsTraddlesseemedtoexpectthatIshouldassenttothisasamatterofcourse,Inodded;andhewenton,withthesamesprightlypatience-Icanfindnobetterexpression-asbefore.'So,bylittleandlittle,andnotlivinghigh,Imanagedtoscrapeupthehundredpoundsatlast,'saidTraddles;'andthankHeaventhat'spaid-thoughitwas-thoughitcertainlywas,'saidTraddles,wincingagainasifhehadhadanothertoothout,'apull.IamlivingbythesortofworkIhavementioned,still,andIhope,oneofthesedays,togetconnectedwithsomenewspaper:
whichwouldalmostbethemakingofmyfortune.Now,Copperfield,youaresoexactlywhatyouusedtobe,withthatagreeableface,andit'ssopleasanttoseeyou,thatIsha'n'tconcealanything.ThereforeyoumustknowthatIamengaged.'Engaged!Oh,Dora!'Sheisacurate'sdaughter,'saidTraddles;'oneoften,downinDevonshire.Yes!'Forhesawmeglance,involuntarily,attheprospectontheinkstand.'That'sthechurch!Youcomeroundheretotheleft,outofthisgate,'tracinghisfingeralongtheinkstand,'andexactlywhereIholdthispen,therestandsthehouse-facing,youunderstand,towardsthechurch.'Thedelightwithwhichheenteredintotheseparticulars,didnotfullypresentitselftomeuntilafterwards;formyselfishthoughtsweremakingaground-planofMr.Spenlow'shouseandgardenatthesamemoment.'Sheissuchadeargirl!'saidTraddles;'alittleolderthanme,butthedearestgirl!ItoldyouIwasgoingoutoftown?Ihavebeendownthere.Iwalkedthere,andIwalkedback,andIhadthemostdelightfultime!Idaresayoursislikelytobearather
longengagement,butourmottois"Waitandhope!"Wealwayssaythat."Waitandhope,"wealwayssay.Andshewouldwait,Copperfield,tillshewassixty-anyageyoucanmention-forme!'Traddlesrosefromhischair,and,withatriumphantsmile,puthishanduponthewhiteclothIhadobserved.'However,'hesaid,'it'snotthatwehaven'tmadeabeginningtowardshousekeeping.No,no;wehavebegun.Wemustgetonbydegrees,butwehavebegun.Here,'drawingtheclothoffwithgreatprideandcare,'aretwopiecesoffurnituretocommencewith.Thisflower-potandstand,sheboughtherself.Youputthatinaparlourwindow,'saidTraddles,fallingalittlebackfromittosurveyitwiththegreateradmiration,'withaplantinit,and-andthereyouare!Thislittleroundtablewiththemarbletop(it'stwofeettenincircumference),Ibought.Youwanttolayabookdown,youknow,orsomebodycomestoseeyouoryourwife,andwantsaplacetostandacupofteaupon,and-andthereyouareagain!'saidTraddles.'It'sanadmirablepieceofworkmanship-firmasarock!'Ipraisedthemboth,highly,andTraddlesreplacedthecoveringascarefullyashehadremovedit.
'It'snotagreatdealtowardsthefurnishing,'saidTraddles,'butit'ssomething.Thetable-cloths,andpillow-cases,andarticlesofthatkind,arewhatdiscouragememost,Copperfield.Sodoestheironmongery-candle-boxes,andgridirons,andthatsortofnecessaries-becausethosethingstell,andmountup.However,"waitandhope!"AndIassureyoushe'sthedearestgirl!''Iamquitecertainofit,'saidI.'Inthemeantime,'saidTraddles,comingbacktohischair;'andthisistheendofmyprosingaboutmyself,IgetonaswellasIcan.Idon'tmakemuch,butIdon'tspendmuch.Ingeneral,Iboardwiththepeopledownstairs,whoareveryagreeablepeopleindeed.BothMr.andMrs.Micawberhaveseenagooddealoflife,andareexcellentcompany.''MydearTraddles!'Iquicklyexclaimed.'Whatareyoutalkingabout?'Traddleslookedatme,asifhewonderedwhatIwastalkingabout.
'Mr.andMrs.Micawber!'Irepeated.'Why,Iamintimatelyacquaintedwiththem!'Anopportunedoubleknockatthedoor,whichIknewwellfromoldexperienceinWindsorTerrace,andwhichnobodybutMr.Micawbercouldeverhaveknockedatthatdoor,resolvedanydoubtinmymindastotheirbeingmyoldfriends.IbeggedTraddlestoaskhislandlordtowalkup.Traddlesaccordinglydidso,overthebanister;andMr.Micawber,notabitchanged-histights,hisstick,hisshirt-collar,andhiseye-glass,allthesameasever-cameintotheroomwithagenteelandyouthfulair.'Ibegyourpardon,Mr.Traddles,'saidMr.Micawber,withtheoldrollinhisvoice,ashecheckedhimselfinhummingasofttune.'Iwasnotawarethattherewasanyindividual,alientothistenement,inyoursanctum.'Mr.Micawberslightlybowedtome,andpulleduphisshirt-collar.'Howdoyoudo,Mr.Micawber?'saidI.'Sir,'saidMr.Micawber,'youareexceedinglyobliging.Iamin
statuquo.''AndMrs.Micawber?'Ipursued.'Sir,'saidMr.Micawber,'sheisalso,thankGod,instatuquo.''Andthechildren,Mr.Micawber?''Sir,'saidMr.Micawber,'Irejoicetoreplythattheyare,likewise,intheenjoymentofsalubrity.'Allthistime,Mr.Micawberhadnotknownmeintheleast,thoughhehadstoodfacetofacewithme.Butnow,seeingmesmile,heexaminedmyfeatureswithmoreattention,fellback,cried,'Isitpossible!HaveIthepleasureofagainbeholdingCopperfield!'andshookmebybothhandswiththeutmostfervour.'GoodHeaven,Mr.Traddles!'saidMr.Micawber,'tothinkthatIshouldfindyouacquaintedwiththefriendofmyyouth,thecompanionofearlierdays!Mydear!'callingoverthebanisterstoMrs.Micawber,whileTraddleslooked(withreason)notalittleamazedatthisdescriptionofme.'HereisagentlemaninMr.Traddles'sapartment,whomhewishestohavethepleasureof
presentingtoyou,mylove!'Mr.Micawberimmediatelyreappeared,andshookhandswithmeagain.'AndhowisourgoodfriendtheDoctor,Copperfield?'saidMr.Micawber,'andallthecircleatCanterbury?''Ihavenonebutgoodaccountsofthem,'saidI.'Iammostdelightedtohearit,'saidMr.Micawber.'ItwasatCanterburywherewelastmet.Withintheshadow,Imayfigurativelysay,ofthatreligiousedificeimmortalizedbyChaucer,whichwasancientlytheresortofPilgrimsfromtheremotestcornersof-inshort,'saidMr.Micawber,'intheimmediateneighbourhoodoftheCathedral.'Irepliedthatitwas.Mr.Micawbercontinuedtalkingasvolublyashecould;butnot,Ithought,withoutshowing,bysomemarksofconcerninhiscountenance,thathewassensibleofsoundsinthenextroom,asofMrs.Micawberwashingherhands,andhurriedlyopeningandshuttingdrawersthatwereuneasyintheiraction.'Youfindus,Copperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,withoneeyeon
Traddles,'atpresentestablished,onwhatmaybedesignatedasasmallandunassumingscale;but,youareawarethatIhave,inthecourseofmycareer,surmounteddifficulties,andconqueredobstacles.Youarenostrangertothefact,thattherehavebeenperiodsofmylife,whenithasbeenrequisitethatIshouldpause,untilcertainexpectedeventsshouldturnup;whenithasbeennecessarythatIshouldfallback,beforemakingwhatItrustIshallnotbeaccusedofpresumptioninterming-aspring.Thepresentisoneofthosemomentousstagesinthelifeofman.Youfindme,fallenback,FORaspring;andIhaveeveryreasontobelievethatavigorousleapwillshortlybetheresult.'Iwasexpressingmysatisfaction,whenMrs.Micawbercamein;alittlemoreslatternlythansheusedtobe,orsosheseemednow,tomyunaccustomedeyes,butstillwithsomepreparationofherselfforcompany,andwithapairofbrowngloveson.'Mydear,'saidMr.Micawber,leadinghertowardsme,'hereisagentlemanofthenameofCopperfield,whowishestorenewhisacquaintancewithyou.'Itwouldhavebeenbetter,asitturnedout,tohaveledgentlyuptothisannouncement,forMrs.Micawber,beinginadelicatestate
ofhealth,wasovercomebyit,andwastakensounwell,thatMr.Micawberwasobliged,ingreattrepidation,torundowntothewater-buttinthebackyard,anddrawabasinfultolaveherbrowwith.Shepresentlyrevived,however,andwasreallypleasedtoseeme.Wehadhalf-an-hour'stalk,alltogether;andIaskedheraboutthetwins,who,shesaid,were'growngreatcreatures';andafterMasterandMissMicawber,whomshedescribedas'absolutegiants',buttheywerenotproducedonthatoccasion.Mr.MicawberwasveryanxiousthatIshouldstaytodinner.Ishouldnothavebeenaversetodoso,butthatIimaginedIdetectedtrouble,andcalculationrelativetotheextentofthecoldmeat,inMrs.Micawber'seye.Ithereforepleadedanotherengagement;andobservingthatMrs.Micawber'sspiritswereimmediatelylightened,Iresistedallpersuasiontoforegoit.ButItoldTraddles,andMr.andMrs.Micawber,thatbeforeIcouldthinkofleaving,theymustappointadaywhentheywouldcomeanddinewithme.TheoccupationstowhichTraddlesstoodpledged,rendereditnecessarytofixasomewhatdistantone;butanappointmentwasmadeforthepurpose,thatsuitedusall,andthenItookmyleave.
Mr.Micawber,underpretenceofshowingmeanearerwaythanthatbywhichIhadcome,accompaniedmetothecornerofthestreet;beinganxious(heexplainedtome)tosayafewwordstoanoldfriend,inconfidence.'MydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,'Ineedhardlytellyouthattohavebeneathourroof,underexistingcircumstances,amindlikethatwhichgleams-ifImaybeallowedtheexpression-whichgleams-inyourfriendTraddles,isanunspeakablecomfort.Withawasherwoman,whoexposeshard-bakeforsaleinherparlour-window,dwellingnextdoor,andaBow-streetofficerresidingovertheway,youmayimaginethathissocietyisasourceofconsolationtomyselfandtoMrs.Micawber.Iamatpresent,mydearCopperfield,engagedinthesaleofcornuponcommission.Itisnotanavocationofaremunerativedescription-inotherwords,itdoesnotpay-andsometemporaryembarrassmentsofapecuniarynaturehavebeentheconsequence.Iam,however,delightedtoaddthatIhavenowanimmediateprospectofsomethingturningup(Iamnotatlibertytosayinwhatdirection),whichItrustwillenablemetoprovide,permanently,bothformyselfandforyourfriendTraddles,inwhomIhaveanunaffectedinterest.Youmay,perhaps,bepreparedtohearthatMrs.Micawberisinastateofhealthwhichrendersitnotwhollyimprobablethatanadditionmaybe
ultimatelymadetothosepledgesofaffectionwhich-inshort,totheinfantinegroup.Mrs.Micawber'sfamilyhavebeensogoodastoexpresstheirdissatisfactionatthisstateofthings.Ihavemerelytoobserve,thatIamnotawarethatitisanybusinessoftheirs,andthatIrepelthatexhibitionoffeelingwithscorn,andwithdefiance!'Mr.Micawberthenshookhandswithmeagain,andleftme.CHAPTER28Mr.MICAWBER'SGAUNTLETUntilthedayarrivedonwhichIwastoentertainmynewly-foundoldfriends,IlivedprincipallyonDoraandcoffee.Inmylove-lorncondition,myappetitelanguished;andIwasgladofit,forIfeltasthoughitwouldhavebeenanactofperfidytowardsDoratohaveanaturalrelishformydinner.ThequantityofwalkingexerciseItook,wasnotinthisrespectattendedwithitsusualconsequence,asthedisappointmentcounteractedthefreshair.Ihavemydoubts,too,foundedontheacuteexperienceacquiredatthisperiodofmylife,whetherasoundenjoymentof
animalfoodcandevelopitselffreelyinanyhumansubjectwhoisalwaysintormentfromtightboots.Ithinktheextremitiesrequiretobeatpeacebeforethestomachwillconductitselfwithvigour.Ontheoccasionofthisdomesticlittleparty,Ididnotrepeatmyformerextensivepreparations.Imerelyprovidedapairofsoles,asmalllegofmutton,andapigeon-pie.Mrs.Cruppbrokeoutintorebelliononmyfirstbashfulhintinreferencetothecookingofthefishandjoint,andsaid,withadignifiedsenseofinjury,'No!No,sir!Youwillnotaskmesichathing,foryouarebetteracquaintedwithmethantosupposemecapableofdoingwhatIcannotdowithampialsatisfactiontomyownfeelings!'But,intheend,acompromisewaseffected;andMrs.Cruppconsentedtoachievethisfeat,onconditionthatIdinedfromhomeforafortnightafterwards.AndhereImayremark,thatwhatIunderwentfromMrs.Crupp,inconsequenceofthetyrannysheestablishedoverme,wasdreadful.Ineverwassomuchafraidofanyone.Wemadeacompromiseofeverything.IfIhesitated,shewastakenwiththatwonderfuldisorderwhichwasalwayslyinginambushinhersystem,ready,attheshortestnotice,topreyuponhervitals.IfIrangthebell
impatiently,afterhalf-a-dozenunavailingmodestpulls,andsheappearedatlast-whichwasnotbyanymeanstobereliedupon-shewouldappearwithareproachfulaspect,sinkbreathlessonachairnearthedoor,layherhanduponhernankeenbosom,andbecomesoill,thatIwasglad,atanysacrificeofbrandyoranythingelse,togetridofher.IfIobjectedtohavingmybedmadeatfiveo'clockintheafternoon-whichIdostillthinkanuncomfortablearrangement-onemotionofherhandtowardsthesamenankeenregionofwoundedsensibilitywasenoughtomakemefalteranapology.Inshort,IwouldhavedoneanythinginanhonourablewayratherthangiveMrs.Cruppoffence;andshewastheterrorofmylife.Iboughtasecond-handdumb-waiterforthisdinner-party,inpreferencetore-engagingthehandyyoungman;againstwhomIhadconceivedaprejudice,inconsequenceofmeetinghimintheStrand,oneSundaymorning,inawaistcoatremarkablylikeoneofmine,whichhadbeenmissingsincetheformeroccasion.The'younggal'wasre-engaged;butonthestipulationthatsheshouldonlybringinthedishes,andthenwithdrawtothelanding-place,beyondtheouterdoor;whereahabitofsniffingshehadcontractedwouldbelostupontheguests,andwhereherretiringontheplateswouldbeaphysicalimpossibility.
Havinglaidinthematerialsforabowlofpunch,tobecompoundedbyMr.Micawber;havingprovidedabottleoflavender-water,twowax-candles,apaperofmixedpins,andapincushion,toassistMrs.Micawberinhertoiletteatmydressing-table;havingalsocausedthefireinmybedroomtobelightedforMrs.Micawber'sconvenience;andhavinglaidtheclothwithmyownhands,Iawaitedtheresultwithcomposure.Attheappointedtime,mythreevisitorsarrivedtogether.Mr.Micawberwithmoreshirt-collarthanusual,andanewribbontohiseye-glass;Mrs.Micawberwithhercapinawhitey-brownpaperparcel;Traddlescarryingtheparcel,andsupportingMrs.Micawberonhisarm.Theywerealldelightedwithmyresidence.WhenIconductedMrs.Micawbertomydressing-table,andshesawthescaleonwhichitwaspreparedforher,shewasinsuchraptures,thatshecalledMr.Micawbertocomeinandlook.'MydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,'thisisluxurious.ThisisawayoflifewhichremindsmeoftheperiodwhenIwasmyselfinastateofcelibacy,andMrs.MicawberhadnotyetbeensolicitedtoplightherfaithattheHymenealaltar.'
'Hemeans,solicitedbyhim,Mr.Copperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,archly.'Hecannotanswerforothers.''Mydear,'returnedMr.Micawberwithsuddenseriousness,'Ihavenodesiretoanswerforothers.Iamtoowellawarethatwhen,intheinscrutabledecreesofFate,youwerereservedforme,itispossibleyoumayhavebeenreservedforone,destined,afteraprotractedstruggle,atlengthtofallavictimtopecuniaryinvolvementsofacomplicatednature.Iunderstandyourallusion,mylove.Iregretit,butIcanbearit.''Micawber!'exclaimedMrs.Micawber,intears.'HaveIdeservedthis!I,whoneverhavedesertedyou;whoneverWILLdesertyou,Micawber!''Mylove,'saidMr.Micawber,muchaffected,'youwillforgive,andouroldandtriedfriendCopperfieldwill,Iamsure,forgive,themomentarylacerationofawoundedspirit,madesensitivebyarecentcollisionwiththeMinionofPower-inotherwords,witharibaldTurncockattachedtothewater-works-andwillpity,notcondemn,itsexcesses.'Mr.MicawberthenembracedMrs.Micawber,andpressedmyhand;leavingmetoinferfromthisbrokenallusionthathisdomestic
supplyofwaterhadbeencutoffthatafternoon,inconsequenceofdefaultinthepaymentofthecompany'srates.Todiverthisthoughtsfromthismelancholysubject,IinformedMr.MicawberthatIrelieduponhimforabowlofpunch,andledhimtothelemons.Hisrecentdespondency,nottosaydespair,wasgoneinamoment.Ineversawamansothoroughlyenjoyhimselfamidthefragranceoflemon-peelandsugar,theodourofburningrum,andthesteamofboilingwater,asMr.Micawberdidthatafternoon.Itwaswonderfultoseehisfaceshiningatusoutofathincloudofthesedelicatefumes,ashestirred,andmixed,andtasted,andlookedasifheweremaking,insteadofpunch,afortuneforhisfamilydowntothelatestposterity.AstoMrs.Micawber,Idon'tknowwhetheritwastheeffectofthecap,orthelavender-water,orthepins,orthefire,orthewax-candles,butshecameoutofmyroom,comparativelyspeaking,lovely.Andthelarkwasnevergayerthanthatexcellentwoman.Isuppose-Ineverventuredtoinquire,butIsuppose-thatMrs.Crupp,afterfryingthesoles,wastakenill.Becausewebrokedownatthatpoint.Thelegofmuttoncameupveryredwithin,andverypalewithout:besideshavingaforeignsubstanceofagrittynaturesprinkledoverit,asififhadhadafallintotheashesof
thatremarkablekitchenfireplace.Butwewerenotinconditiontojudgeofthisfactfromtheappearanceofthegravy,forasmuchasthe'younggal'haddroppeditalluponthestairs-whereitremained,bytheby,inalongtrain,untilitwaswornout.Thepigeon-piewasnotbad,butitwasadelusivepie:thecrustbeinglikeadisappointinghead,phrenologicallyspeaking:fulloflumpsandbumps,withnothingparticularunderneath.Inshort,thebanquetwassuchafailurethatIshouldhavebeenquiteunhappy-aboutthefailure,Imean,forIwasalwaysunhappyaboutDora-ifIhadnotbeenrelievedbythegreatgoodhumourofmycompany,andbyabrightsuggestionfromMr.Micawber.'MydearfriendCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,'accidentswilloccurinthebest-regulatedfamilies;andinfamiliesnotregulatedbythatpervadinginfluencewhichsanctifieswhileitenhancesthe-a-Iwouldsay,inshort,bytheinfluenceofWoman,intheloftycharacterofWife,theymaybeexpectedwithconfidence,andmustbebornewithphilosophy.Ifyouwillallowmetotakethelibertyofremarkingthattherearefewcomestiblesbetter,intheirway,thanaDevil,andthatIbelieve,withalittledivisionoflabour,wecouldaccomplishagoodoneiftheyoungpersoninattendancecouldproduceagridiron,Iwouldputittoyou,thatthislittlemisfortunemaybeeasilyrepaired.'
Therewasagridironinthepantry,onwhichmymorningrasherofbaconwascooked.Wehaditin,inatwinkling,andimmediatelyappliedourselvestocarryingMr.Micawber'sideaintoeffect.Thedivisionoflabourtowhichhehadreferredwasthis:-Traddlescutthemuttonintoslices;Mr.Micawber(whocoulddoanythingofthissorttoperfection)coveredthemwithpepper,mustard,salt,andcayenne;Iputthemonthegridiron,turnedthemwithafork,andtookthemoff,underMr.Micawber'sdirection;andMrs.Micawberheated,andcontinuallystirred,somemushroomketchupinalittlesaucepan.Whenwehadslicesenoughdonetobeginupon,wefell-to,withoursleevesstilltuckedupatthewrist,moreslicessputteringandblazingonthefire,andourattentiondividedbetweenthemuttononourplates,andthemuttonthenpreparing.Whatwiththenoveltyofthiscookery,theexcellenceofit,thebustleofit,thefrequentstartinguptolookafterit,thefrequentsittingdowntodisposeofitasthecrispslicescameoffthegridironhotandhot,thebeingsobusy,soflushedwiththefire,soamused,andinthemidstofsuchatemptingnoiseandsavour,wereducedthelegofmuttontothebone.Myownappetitecamebackmiraculously.Iamashamedtorecordit,butIreally
believeIforgotDoraforalittlewhile.IamsatisfiedthatMr.andMrs.Micawbercouldnothaveenjoyedthefeastmore,iftheyhadsoldabedtoprovideit.Traddleslaughedasheartily,almostthewholetime,asheateandworked.Indeedwealldid,allatonce;andIdaresaytherewasneveragreatersuccess.Wewereattheheightofourenjoyment,andwereallbusilyengaged,inourseveraldepartments,endeavouringtobringthelastbatchofslicestoastateofperfectionthatshouldcrownthefeast,whenIwasawareofastrangepresenceintheroom,andmyeyesencounteredthoseofthestaidLittimer,standinghatinhandbeforeme.'What'sthematter?'Iinvoluntarilyasked.'Ibegyourpardon,sir,Iwasdirectedtocomein.Ismymasternothere,sir?''No.''Haveyounotseenhim,sir?''No;don'tyoucomefromhim?'
'Notimmediatelyso,sir.''Didhetellyouyouwouldfindhimhere?''Notexactlyso,sir.ButIshouldthinkhemightbeheretomorrow,ashehasnotbeenheretoday.''IshecomingupfromOxford?''Ibeg,sir,'hereturnedrespectfully,'thatyouwillbeseated,andallowmetodothis.'Withwhichhetooktheforkfrommyunresistinghand,andbentoverthegridiron,asifhiswholeattentionwereconcentratedonit.Weshouldnothavebeenmuchdiscomposed,Idaresay,bytheappearanceofSteerforthhimself,butwebecameinamomentthemeekestofthemeekbeforehisrespectableserving-man.Mr.Micawber,hummingatune,toshowthathewasquiteatease,subsidedintohischair,withthehandleofahastilyconcealedforkstickingoutofthebosomofhiscoat,asifhehadstabbedhimself.Mrs.Micawberputonherbrowngloves,andassumedagenteellanguor.Traddlesranhisgreasyhandsthroughhishair,andstooditboltupright,andstaredinconfusiononthe
table-cloth.Asforme,Iwasamereinfantattheheadofmyowntable;andhardlyventuredtoglanceattherespectablephenomenon,whohadcomefromHeavenknowswhere,toputmyestablishmenttorights.Meanwhilehetookthemuttonoffthegridiron,andgravelyhandeditround.Wealltooksome,butourappreciationofitwasgone,andwemerelymadeashowofeatingit.Asweseverallypushedawayourplates,henoiselesslyremovedthem,andsetonthecheese.Hetookthatoff,too,whenitwasdonewith;clearedthetable;piledeverythingonthedumb-waiter;gaveusourwine-glasses;and,ofhisownaccord,wheeledthedumb-waiterintothepantry.Allthiswasdoneinaperfectmanner,andheneverraisedhiseyesfromwhathewasabout.Yethisveryelbows,whenhehadhisbacktowardsme,seemedtoteemwiththeexpressionofhisfixedopinionthatIwasextremelyyoung.'CanIdoanythingmore,sir?'Ithankedhimandsaid,No;butwouldhetakenodinnerhimself?'None,Iamobligedtoyou,sir.'
'IsMr.SteerforthcomingfromOxford?''Ibegyourpardon,sir?''IsMr.SteerforthcomingfromOxford?''Ishouldimaginethathemightbeheretomorrow,sir.Iratherthoughthemighthavebeenheretoday,sir.Themistakeismine,nodoubt,sir.''Ifyoushouldseehimfirst-'saidI.'Ifyou'llexcuseme,sir,Idon'tthinkIshallseehimfirst.''Incaseyoudo,'saidI,'praysaythatIamsorryhewasnotheretoday,asanoldschoolfellowofhiswashere.''Indeed,sir!'andhedividedabowbetweenmeandTraddles,withaglanceatthelatter.Hewasmovingsoftlytothedoor,when,inaforlornhopeofsayingsomethingnaturally-whichInevercould,tothisman-Isaid:
'Oh!Littimer!''Sir!''DidyouremainlongatYarmouth,thattime?''Notparticularlyso,sir.''Yousawtheboatcompleted?''Yes,sir.Iremainedbehindonpurposetoseetheboatcompleted.''Iknow!'Heraisedhiseyestominerespectfully.'Mr.Steerforthhasnotseenityet,Isuppose?''Ireallycan'tsay,sir.Ithink-butIreallycan'tsay,sir.Iwishyougoodnight,sir.'Hecomprehendedeverybodypresent,intherespectfulbowwithwhichhefollowedthesewords,anddisappeared.Myvisitorsseemedtobreathemorefreelywhenhewasgone;butmyownreliefwasvery
great,forbesidestheconstraint,arisingfromthatextraordinarysenseofbeingatadisadvantagewhichIalwayshadinthisman'spresence,myconsciencehadembarrassedmewithwhispersthatIhadmistrustedhismaster,andIcouldnotrepressavagueuneasydreadthathemightfinditout.Howwasit,havingsolittleinrealitytoconceal,thatIalwaysDIDfeelasifthismanwerefindingmeout?Mr.Micawberrousedmefromthisreflection,whichwasblendedwithacertainremorsefulapprehensionofseeingSteerforthhimself,bybestowingmanyencomiumsontheabsentLittimerasamostrespectablefellow,andathoroughlyadmirableservant.Mr.Micawber,Imayremark,hadtakenhisfullshareofthegeneralbow,andhadreceiveditwithinfinitecondescension.'Butpunch,mydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,tastingit,'liketimeandtide,waitsfornoman.Ah!itisatthepresentmomentinhighflavour.Mylove,willyougivemeyouropinion?'Mrs.Micawberpronounceditexcellent.'ThenIwilldrink,'saidMr.Micawber,'ifmyfriendCopperfieldwillpermitmetotakethatsocialliberty,tothedayswhenmy
friendCopperfieldandmyselfwereyounger,andfoughtourwayintheworldsidebyside.Imaysay,ofmyselfandCopperfield,inwordswehavesungtogetherbeforenow,thatWetwahaerunaboutthebraesAndpu'dthegowans'fine-inafigurativepointofview-onseveraloccasions.Iamnotexactlyaware,'saidMr.Micawber,withtheoldrollinhisvoice,andtheoldindescribableairofsayingsomethinggenteel,'whatgowansmaybe,butIhavenodoubtthatCopperfieldandmyselfwouldfrequentlyhavetakenapullatthem,ifithadbeenfeasible.'Mr.Micawber,atthethenpresentmoment,tookapullathispunch.Sowealldid:TraddlesevidentlylostinwonderingatwhatdistanttimeMr.MicawberandIcouldhavebeencomradesinthebattleoftheworld.'Ahem!'saidMr.Micawber,clearinghisthroat,andwarmingwiththepunchandwiththefire.'Mydear,anotherglass?'
Mrs.Micawbersaiditmustbeverylittle;butwecouldn'tallowthat,soitwasaglassful.'Aswearequiteconfidentialhere,Mr.Copperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,sippingherpunch,'Mr.Traddlesbeingapartofourdomesticity,IshouldmuchliketohaveyouropiniononMr.Micawber'sprospects.Forcorn,'saidMrs.Micawberargumentatively,'asIhaverepeatedlysaidtoMr.Micawber,maybegentlemanly,butitisnotremunerative.Commissiontotheextentoftwoandninepenceinafortnightcannot,howeverlimitedourideas,beconsideredremunerative.'Wewereallagreeduponthat.'Then,'saidMrs.Micawber,whopridedherselfontakingaclearviewofthings,andkeepingMr.Micawberstraightbyherwoman'swisdom,whenhemightotherwisegoalittlecrooked,'thenIaskmyselfthisquestion.Ifcornisnottobereliedupon,whatis?Arecoalstobereliedupon?Notatall.Wehaveturnedourattentiontothatexperiment,onthesuggestionofmyfamily,andwefinditfallacious.'
Mr.Micawber,leaningbackinhischairwithhishandsinhispockets,eyedusaside,andnoddedhishead,asmuchastosaythatthecasewasveryclearlyput.'Thearticlesofcornandcoals,'saidMrs.Micawber,stillmoreargumentatively,'beingequallyoutofthequestion,Mr.Copperfield,Inaturallylookroundtheworld,andsay,"WhatisthereinwhichapersonofMr.Micawber'stalentislikelytosucceed?"AndIexcludethedoinganythingoncommission,becausecommissionisnotacertainty.WhatisbestsuitedtoapersonofMr.Micawber'speculiartemperamentis,Iamconvinced,acertainty.'TraddlesandIbothexpressed,byafeelingmurmur,thatthisgreatdiscoverywasnodoubttrueofMr.Micawber,andthatitdidhimmuchcredit.'Iwillnotconcealfromyou,mydearMr.Copperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,'thatIhavelongfelttheBrewingbusinesstobeparticularlyadaptedtoMr.Micawber.LookatBarclayandPerkins!LookatTruman,Hanbury,andBuxton!ItisonthatextensivefootingthatMr.Micawber,Iknowfrommyownknowledgeofhim,iscalculatedtoshine;andtheprofits,Iamtold,aree-NOR-MOUS!
ButifMr.Micawbercannotgetintothosefirms-whichdeclinetoanswerhisletters,whenheoffershisserviceseveninaninferiorcapacity-whatistheuseofdwellinguponthatidea?None.ImayhaveaconvictionthatMr.Micawber'smanners-''Hem!Really,mydear,'interposedMr.Micawber.'Mylove,besilent,'saidMrs.Micawber,layingherbrowngloveonhishand.'Imayhaveaconviction,Mr.Copperfield,thatMr.Micawber'smannerspeculiarlyqualifyhimfortheBankingbusiness.Imayarguewithinmyself,thatifIhadadepositatabanking-house,themannersofMr.Micawber,asrepresentingthatbanking-house,wouldinspireconfidence,andmustextendtheconnexion.Butifthevariousbanking-housesrefusetoavailthemselvesofMr.Micawber'sabilities,orreceivetheofferofthemwithcontumely,whatistheuseofdwellinguponTHATidea?None.Astooriginatingabanking-business,Imayknowthattherearemembersofmyfamilywho,iftheychosetoplacetheirmoneyinMr.Micawber'shands,mightfoundanestablishmentofthatdescription.ButiftheydoNOTchoosetoplacetheirmoneyinMr.Micawber'shands-whichtheydon't-whatistheuseofthat?AgainIcontendthatwearenofartheradvancedthanwewerebefore.'
Ishookmyhead,andsaid,'Notabit.'Traddlesalsoshookhishead,andsaid,'Notabit.''WhatdoIdeducefromthis?'Mrs.Micawberwentontosay,stillwiththesameairofputtingacaselucidly.'Whatistheconclusion,mydearMr.Copperfield,towhichIamirresistiblybrought?AmIwronginsaying,itisclearthatwemustlive?'Ianswered'Notatall!'andTraddlesanswered'Notatall!'andIfoundmyselfafterwardssagelyadding,alone,thatapersonmusteitherliveordie.'Justso,'returnedMrs.Micawber,'Itispreciselythat.Andthefactis,mydearMr.Copperfield,thatwecannotlivewithoutsomethingwidelydifferentfromexistingcircumstancesshortlyturningup.NowIamconvinced,myself,andthisIhavepointedouttoMr.Micawberseveraltimesoflate,thatthingscannotbeexpectedtoturnupofthemselves.Wemust,inameasure,assisttoturnthemup.Imaybewrong,butIhaveformedthatopinion.'BothTraddlesandIapplaudedithighly.
'Verywell,'saidMrs.Micawber.'ThenwhatdoIrecommend?HereisMr.Micawberwithavarietyofqualifications-withgreattalent-''Really,mylove,'saidMr.Micawber.'Pray,mydear,allowmetoconclude.HereisMr.Micawber,withavarietyofqualifications,withgreattalent-Ishouldsay,withgenius,butthatmaybethepartialityofawife-'TraddlesandIbothmurmured'No.''AndhereisMr.Micawberwithoutanysuitablepositionoremployment.Wheredoesthatresponsibilityrest?Clearlyonsociety.ThenIwouldmakeafactsodisgracefulknown,andboldlychallengesocietytosetitright.Itappearstome,mydearMr.Copperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,forcibly,'thatwhatMr.Micawberhastodo,istothrowdownthegauntlettosociety,andsay,ineffect,"Showmewhowilltakethatup.Letthepartyimmediatelystepforward."'IventuredtoaskMrs.Micawberhowthiswastobedone.
'Byadvertising,'saidMrs.Micawber-'inallthepapers.Itappearstome,thatwhatMr.Micawberhastodo,injusticetohimself,injusticetohisfamily,andIwillevengosofarastosayinjusticetosociety,bywhichhehasbeenhithertooverlooked,istoadvertiseinallthepapers;todescribehimselfplainlyasso-and-so,withsuchandsuchqualificationsandtoputitthus:"Nowemployme,onremunerativeterms,andaddress,post-paid,toW.M.,PostOffice,CamdenTown."''ThisideaofMrs.Micawber's,mydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,makinghisshirt-collarmeetinfrontofhischin,andglancingatmesideways,'is,infact,theLeaptowhichIalluded,whenIlasthadthepleasureofseeingyou.''Advertisingisratherexpensive,'Iremarked,dubiously.'Exactlyso!'saidMrs.Micawber,preservingthesamelogicalair.'Quitetrue,mydearMr.Copperfield!IhavemadetheidenticalobservationtoMr.Micawber.Itisforthatreasonespecially,thatIthinkMr.Micawberought(asIhavealreadysaid,injusticetohimself,injusticetohisfamily,andinjusticetosociety)toraiseacertainsumofmoney-onabill.'
Mr.Micawber,leaningbackinhischair,trifledwithhiseye-glassandcasthiseyesupattheceiling;butIthoughthimobservantofTraddles,too,whowaslookingatthefire.'Ifnomemberofmyfamily,'saidMrs.Micawber,'ispossessedofsufficientnaturalfeelingtonegotiatethatbill-Ibelievethereisabetterbusiness-termtoexpresswhatImean-'Mr.Micawber,withhiseyesstillcastupattheceiling,suggested'Discount.''Todiscountthatbill,'saidMrs.Micawber,'thenmyopinionis,thatMr.MicawbershouldgointotheCity,shouldtakethatbillintotheMoneyMarket,andshoulddisposeofitforwhathecanget.IftheindividualsintheMoneyMarketobligeMr.Micawbertosustainagreatsacrifice,thatisbetweenthemselvesandtheirconsciences.Iviewit,steadily,asaninvestment.IrecommendMr.Micawber,mydearMr.Copperfield,todothesame;toregarditasaninvestmentwhichissureofreturn,andtomakeuphismindtoanysacrifice.'Ifelt,butIamsureIdon'tknowwhy,thatthiswasself-denyinganddevotedinMrs.Micawber,andIutteredamurmurtothat
effect.Traddles,whotookhistonefromme,didlikewise,stilllookingatthefire.'Iwillnot,'saidMrs.Micawber,finishingherpunch,andgatheringherscarfabouthershoulders,preparatorytoherwithdrawaltomybedroom:'IwillnotprotracttheseremarksonthesubjectofMr.Micawber'specuniaryaffairs.Atyourfireside,mydearMr.Copperfield,andinthepresenceofMr.Traddles,who,thoughnotsooldafriend,isquiteoneofourselves,IcouldnotrefrainfrommakingyouacquaintedwiththecourseIadviseMr.Micawbertotake.IfeelthatthetimeisarrivedwhenMr.Micawbershouldexerthimselfand-Iwilladd-asserthimself,anditappearstomethatthesearethemeans.IamawarethatIammerelyafemale,andthatamasculinejudgementisusuallyconsideredmorecompetenttothediscussionofsuchquestions;stillImustnotforgetthat,whenIlivedathomewithmypapaandmama,mypapawasinthehabitofsaying,"Emma'sformisfragile,buthergraspofasubjectisinferiortonone."Thatmypapawastoopartial,Iwellknow;butthathewasanobserverofcharacterinsomedegree,mydutyandmyreasonequallyforbidmetodoubt.'Withthesewords,andresistingourentreatiesthatshewouldgracetheremainingcirculationofthepunchwithherpresence,Mrs.
Micawberretiredtomybedroom.AndreallyIfeltthatshewasanoblewoman-thesortofwomanwhomighthavebeenaRomanmatron,anddoneallmannerofheroicthings,intimesofpublictrouble.Inthefervourofthisimpression,IcongratulatedMr.Micawberonthetreasurehepossessed.SodidTraddles.Mr.Micawberextendedhishandtoeachofusinsuccession,andthencoveredhisfacewithhispocket-handkerchief,whichIthinkhadmoresnuffuponitthanhewasawareof.Hethenreturnedtothepunch,inthehigheststateofexhilaration.Hewasfullofeloquence.Hegaveustounderstandthatinourchildrenwelivedagain,andthat,underthepressureofpecuniarydifficulties,anyaccessiontotheirnumberwasdoublywelcome.HesaidthatMrs.Micawberhadlatterlyhadherdoubtsonthispoint,butthathehaddispelledthem,andreassuredher.Astoherfamily,theyweretotallyunworthyofher,andtheirsentimentswereutterlyindifferenttohim,andtheymight-Iquotehisownexpression-gototheDevil.Mr.MicawberthendeliveredawarmeulogyonTraddles.HesaidTraddles'swasacharacter,tothesteadyvirtuesofwhichhe(Mr.Micawber)couldlaynoclaim,butwhich,hethankedHeaven,he
couldadmire.Hefeelinglyalludedtotheyounglady,unknown,whomTraddleshadhonouredwithhisaffection,andwhohadreciprocatedthataffectionbyhonouringandblessingTraddleswithheraffection.Mr.Micawberpledgedher.SodidI.Traddlesthankedusboth,bysaying,withasimplicityandhonestyIhadsenseenoughtobequitecharmedwith,'Iamverymuchobligedtoyouindeed.AndIdoassureyou,she'sthedearestgirl!-'Mr.Micawbertookanearlyopportunity,afterthat,ofhinting,withtheutmostdelicacyandceremony,atthestateofMYaffections.NothingbuttheseriousassuranceofhisfriendCopperfieldtothecontrary,heobserved,coulddeprivehimoftheimpressionthathisfriendCopperfieldlovedandwasbeloved.Afterfeelingveryhotanduncomfortableforsometime,andafteragooddealofblushing,stammering,anddenying,Isaid,havingmyglassinmyhand,'Well!IwouldgivethemD.!'whichsoexcitedandgratifiedMr.Micawber,thatheranwithaglassofpunchintomybedroom,inorderthatMrs.MicawbermightdrinkD.,whodrankitwithenthusiasm,cryingfromwithin,inashrillvoice,'Hear,hear!MydearMr.Copperfield,Iamdelighted.Hear!'andtappingatthewall,bywayofapplause.Ourconversation,afterwards,tookamoreworldlyturn;Mr.
MicawbertellingusthathefoundCamdenTowninconvenient,andthatthefirstthinghecontemplateddoing,whentheadvertisementshouldhavebeenthecauseofsomethingsatisfactoryturningup,wastomove.HementionedaterraceatthewesternendofOxfordStreet,frontingHydePark,onwhichhehadalwayshadhiseye,butwhichhedidnotexpecttoattainimmediately,asitwouldrequirealargeestablishment.Therewouldprobablybeaninterval,heexplained,inwhichheshouldcontenthimselfwiththeupperpartofahouse,oversomerespectableplaceofbusiness-sayinPiccadilly,-whichwouldbeacheerfulsituationforMrs.Micawber;andwhere,bythrowingoutabow-window,orcarryinguptheroofanotherstory,ormakingsomelittlealterationofthatsort,theymightlive,comfortablyandreputably,forafewyears.Whateverwasreservedforhim,heexpresslysaid,orwhereverhisabodemightbe,wemightrelyonthis-therewouldalwaysbearoomforTraddles,andaknifeandforkforme.Weacknowledgedhiskindness;andhebeggedustoforgivehishavinglaunchedintothesepracticalandbusiness-likedetails,andtoexcuseitasnaturalinonewhowasmakingentirelynewarrangementsinlife.Mrs.Micawber,tappingatthewallagaintoknowifteawereready,brokeupthisparticularphaseofourfriendlyconversation.Shemadeteaforusinamostagreeablemanner;and,wheneverIwent
nearher,inhandingaboutthetea-cupsandbread-and-butter,askedme,inawhisper,whetherD.wasfair,ordark,orwhethershewasshort,ortall:orsomethingofthatkind;whichIthinkIliked.Aftertea,wediscussedavarietyoftopicsbeforethefire;andMrs.Micawberwasgoodenoughtosingus(inasmall,thin,flatvoice,whichIrememberedtohaveconsidered,whenIfirstknewher,theverytable-beerofacoustics)thefavouriteballadsof'TheDashingWhiteSergeant',and'LittleTafflin'.ForbothofthesesongsMrs.Micawberhadbeenfamouswhenshelivedathomewithherpapaandmama.Mr.Micawbertoldus,thatwhenheheardhersingthefirstone,onthefirstoccasionofhisseeingherbeneaththeparentalroof,shehadattractedhisattentioninanextraordinarydegree;butthatwhenitcametoLittleTafflin,hehadresolvedtowinthatwomanorperishintheattempt.Itwasbetweentenandeleveno'clockwhenMrs.Micawberrosetoreplacehercapinthewhitey-brownpaperparcel,andtoputonherbonnet.Mr.MicawbertooktheopportunityofTraddlesputtingonhisgreat-coat,toslipaletterintomyhand,withawhisperedrequestthatIwouldreaditatmyleisure.Ialsotooktheopportunityofmyholdingacandleoverthebanisterstolightthemdown,whenMr.Micawberwasgoingfirst,leadingMrs.Micawber,andTraddleswasfollowingwiththecap,todetainTraddlesfora
momentonthetopofthestairs.'Traddles,'saidI,'Mr.Micawberdon'tmeananyharm,poorfellow:but,ifIwereyou,Iwouldn'tlendhimanything.''MydearCopperfield,'returnedTraddles,smiling,'Ihaven'tgotanythingtolend.''Youhavegotaname,youknow,'saidI.'Oh!YoucallTHATsomethingtolend?'returnedTraddles,withathoughtfullook.'Certainly.''Oh!'saidTraddles.'Yes,tobesure!Iamverymuchobligedtoyou,Copperfield;but-IamafraidIhavelenthimthatalready.''Forthebillthatistobeacertaininvestment?'Iinquired.'No,'saidTraddles.'Notforthatone.ThisisthefirstIhaveheardofthatone.Ihavebeenthinkingthathewillmostlikelyproposethatone,onthewayhome.Mine'sanother.'
'Ihopetherewillbenothingwrongaboutit,'saidI.'Ihopenot,'saidTraddles.'Ishouldthinknot,though,becausehetoldme,onlytheotherday,thatitwasprovidedfor.ThatwasMr.Micawber'sexpression,"Providedfor."'Mr.Micawberlookingupatthisjuncturetowherewewerestanding,Ihadonlytimetorepeatmycaution.Traddlesthankedme,anddescended.ButIwasmuchafraid,whenIobservedthegood-naturedmannerinwhichhewentdownwiththecapinhishand,andgaveMrs.Micawberhisarm,thathewouldbecarriedintotheMoneyMarketneckandheels.Ireturnedtomyfireside,andwasmusing,halfgravelyandhalflaughing,onthecharacterofMr.Micawberandtheoldrelationsbetweenus,whenIheardaquickstepascendingthestairs.Atfirst,IthoughtitwasTraddlescomingbackforsomethingMrs.Micawberhadleftbehind;butasthestepapproached,Iknewit,andfeltmyheartbeathigh,andthebloodrushtomyface,foritwasSteerforth's.IwasneverunmindfulofAgnes,andsheneverleftthatsanctuaryinmythoughts-ifImaycallitso-whereIhadplacedherfrom
thefirst.Butwhenheentered,andstoodbeforemewithhishandout,thedarknessthathadfallenonhimchangedtolight,andIfeltconfoundedandashamedofhavingdoubtedoneIlovedsoheartily.Ilovedhernonetheless;Ithoughtofherasthesamebenignant,gentleangelinmylife;Ireproachedmyself,nother,withhavingdonehimaninjury;andIwouldhavemadehimanyatonementifIhadknownwhattomake,andhowtomakeit.'Why,Daisy,oldboy,dumb-foundered!'laughedSteerforth,shakingmyhandheartily,andthrowingitgailyaway.'HaveIdetectedyouinanotherfeast,youSybarite!TheseDoctors'Commonsfellowsarethegayestmenintown,Ibelieve,andbeatussoberOxfordpeoplealltonothing!'Hisbrightglancewentmerrilyroundtheroom,ashetooktheseatonthesofaoppositetome,whichMrs.Micawberhadrecentlyvacated,andstirredthefireintoablaze.'Iwassosurprisedatfirst,'saidI,givinghimwelcomewithallthecordialityIfelt,'thatIhadhardlybreathtogreetyouwith,Steerforth.''Well,thesightofmeisgoodforsoreeyes,astheScotchsay,'repliedSteerforth,'andsoisthesightofyou,Daisy,infullbloom.Howareyou,myBacchanal?'
'Iamverywell,'saidI;'andnotatallBacchanaliantonight,thoughIconfesstoanotherpartyofthree.''AllofwhomImetinthestreet,talkingloudinyourpraise,'returnedSteerforth.'Who'sourfriendinthetights?'IgavehimthebestideaIcould,inafewwords,ofMr.Micawber.Helaughedheartilyatmyfeebleportraitofthatgentleman,andsaidhewasamantoknow,andhemustknowhim.'Butwhodoyousupposeourotherfriendis?'saidI,inmyturn.'Heavenknows,'saidSteerforth.'Notabore,Ihope?Ithoughthelookedalittlelikeone.''Traddles!'Ireplied,triumphantly.'Who'she?'askedSteerforth,inhiscarelessway.'Don'tyourememberTraddles?TraddlesinourroomatSalemHouse?''Oh!Thatfellow!'saidSteerforth,beatingalumpofcoalonthe
topofthefire,withthepoker.'Isheassoftasever?Andwherethedeucedidyoupickhimup?'IextolledTraddlesinreply,ashighlyasIcould;forIfeltthatSteerforthratherslightedhim.Steerforth,dismissingthesubjectwithalightnod,andasmile,andtheremarkthathewouldbegladtoseetheoldfellowtoo,forhehadalwaysbeenanoddfish,inquiredifIcouldgivehimanythingtoeat?Duringmostofthisshortdialogue,whenhehadnotbeenspeakinginawildvivaciousmanner,hehadsatidlybeatingonthelumpofcoalwiththepoker.IobservedthathedidthesamethingwhileIwasgettingouttheremainsofthepigeon-pie,andsoforth.'Why,Daisy,here'sasupperforaking!'heexclaimed,startingoutofhissilencewithaburst,andtakinghisseatatthetable.'Ishalldoitjustice,forIhavecomefromYarmouth.''IthoughtyoucamefromOxford?'Ireturned.'NotI,'saidSteerforth.'Ihavebeenseafaring-betteremployed.''Littimerwasheretoday,toinquireforyou,'Iremarked,'andI
understoodhimthatyouwereatOxford;though,nowIthinkofit,hecertainlydidnotsayso.''LittimerisagreaterfoolthanIthoughthim,tohavebeeninquiringformeatall,'saidSteerforth,joviallypouringoutaglassofwine,anddrinkingtome.'Astounderstandinghim,youareaclevererfellowthanmostofus,Daisy,ifyoucandothat.''That'strue,indeed,'saidI,movingmychairtothetable.'SoyouhavebeenatYarmouth,Steerforth!'interestedtoknowallaboutit.'Haveyoubeentherelong?''No,'hereturned.'Anescapadeofaweekorso.''Andhowaretheyall?Ofcourse,littleEmilyisnotmarriedyet?''Notyet.Goingtobe,Ibelieve-insomanyweeks,ormonths,orsomethingorother.Ihavenotseenmuchof'em.Bytheby';helaiddownhisknifeandfork,whichhehadbeenusingwithgreatdiligence,andbeganfeelinginhispockets;'Ihavealetterforyou.'
'Fromwhom?''Why,fromyouroldnurse,'hereturned,takingsomepapersoutofhisbreastpocket."'J.Steerforth,Esquire,debtor,toTheWillingMind";that'snotit.Patience,andwe'llfinditpresently.Oldwhat's-his-name'sinabadway,andit'saboutthat,Ibelieve.''Barkis,doyoumean?''Yes!'stillfeelinginhispockets,andlookingovertheircontents:'it'salloverwithpoorBarkis,Iamafraid.Isawalittleapothecarythere-surgeon,orwhateverheis-whobroughtyourworshipintotheworld.Hewasmightylearnedaboutthecase,tome;buttheupshotofhisopinionwas,thatthecarrierwasmakinghislastjourneyratherfast.-Putyourhandintothebreastpocketofmygreat-coatonthechairyonder,andIthinkyou'llfindtheletter.Isitthere?''Hereitis!'saidI.'That'sright!'
ItwasfromPeggotty;somethinglesslegiblethanusual,andbrief.Itinformedmeofherhusband'shopelessstate,andhintedathisbeing'alittlenearer'thanheretofore,andconsequentlymoredifficulttomanageforhisowncomfort.Itsaidnothingofherwearinessandwatching,andpraisedhimhighly.Itwaswrittenwithaplain,unaffected,homelypietythatIknewtobegenuine,andendedwith'mydutytomyeverdarling'-meaningmyself.WhileIdecipheredit,Steerforthcontinuedtoeatanddrink.'It'sabadjob,'hesaid,whenIhaddone;'butthesunsetseveryday,andpeopledieeveryminute,andwemustn'tbescaredbythecommonlot.Ifwefailedtoholdourown,becausethatequalfootatallmen'sdoorswasheardknockingsomewhere,everyobjectinthisworldwouldslipfromus.No!Rideon!Rough-shodifneedbe,smooth-shodifthatwilldo,butrideon!Rideonoverallobstacles,andwintherace!''Andwinwhatrace?'saidI.'Theracethatonehasstartedin,'saidhe.'Rideon!'Inoticed,Iremember,ashepaused,lookingatmewithhis
handsomeheadalittlethrownback,andhisglassraisedinhishand,that,thoughthefreshnessofthesea-windwasonhisface,anditwasruddy,thereweretracesinit,madesinceIlastsawit,asifhehadappliedhimselftosomehabitualstrainoftheferventenergywhich,whenroused,wassopassionatelyrousedwithinhim.Ihaditinmythoughtstoremonstratewithhimuponhisdesperatewayofpursuinganyfancythathetook-suchasthisbuffetingofroughseas,andbravingofhardweather,forexample-whenmymindglancedofftotheimmediatesubjectofourconversationagain,andpursuedthatinstead.'Itellyouwhat,Steerforth,'saidI,'ifyourhighspiritswilllistentome-''Theyarepotentspirits,andwilldowhateveryoulike,'heanswered,movingfromthetabletothefiresideagain.'ThenItellyouwhat,Steerforth.IthinkIwillgodownandseemyoldnurse.ItisnotthatIcandoheranygood,orrenderheranyrealservice;butsheissoattachedtomethatmyvisitwillhaveasmucheffectonher,asifIcoulddoboth.Shewilltakeitsokindlythatitwillbeacomfortandsupporttoher.Itisnogreatefforttomake,Iamsure,forsuchafriendasshehas
beentome.Wouldn'tyougoaday'sjourney,ifyouwereinmyplace?'Hisfacewasthoughtful,andhesatconsideringalittlebeforeheanswered,inalowvoice,'Well!Go.Youcandonoharm.''Youhavejustcomeback,'saidI,'anditwouldbeinvaintoaskyoutogowithme?''Quite,'hereturned.'IamforHighgatetonight.Ihavenotseenmymotherthislongtime,anditliesuponmyconscience,forit'ssomethingtobelovedasshelovesherprodigalson.-Bah!Nonsense!-Youmeantogotomorrow,Isuppose?'hesaid,holdingmeoutatarm'slength,withahandoneachofmyshoulders.'Yes,Ithinkso.''Well,then,don'tgotillnextday.Iwantedyoutocomeandstayafewdayswithus.HereIam,onpurposetobidyou,andyouflyofftoYarmouth!''Youareanicefellowtotalkofflyingoff,Steerforth,whoarealwaysrunningwildonsomeunknownexpeditionorother!'
Helookedatmeforamomentwithoutspeaking,andthenrejoined,stillholdingmeasbefore,andgivingmeashake:'Come!Saythenextday,andpassasmuchoftomorrowasyoucanwithus!Whoknowswhenwemaymeetagain,else?Come!Saythenextday!IwantyoutostandbetweenRosaDartleandme,andkeepusasunder.''Wouldyouloveeachothertoomuch,withoutme?''Yes;orhate,'laughedSteerforth;'nomatterwhich.Come!Saythenextday!'Isaidthenextday;andheputonhisgreat-coatandlightedhiscigar,andsetofftowalkhome.Findinghiminthisintention,Iputonmyowngreat-coat(butdidnotlightmyowncigar,havinghadenoughofthatforonewhile)andwalkedwithhimasfarastheopenroad:adullroad,then,atnight.Hewasingreatspiritsalltheway;andwhenweparted,andIlookedafterhimgoingsogallantlyandairilyhomeward,Ithoughtofhissaying,'Rideonoverallobstacles,andwintherace!'andwished,forthefirsttime,thathehadsomeworthyracetorun.
Iwasundressinginmyownroom,whenMr.Micawber'slettertumbledonthefloor.Thusremindedofit,Ibrokethesealandreadasfollows.Itwasdatedanhourandahalfbeforedinner.IamnotsurewhetherIhavementionedthat,whenMr.Micawberwasatanyparticularlydesperatecrisis,heusedasortoflegalphraseology,whichheseemedtothinkequivalenttowindinguphisaffairs.'SIR-forIdarenotsaymydearCopperfield,'ItisexpedientthatIshouldinformyouthattheundersignedisCrushed.Someflickeringeffortstospareyoutheprematureknowledgeofhiscalamitousposition,youmayobserveinhimthisday;buthopehassunkbeneaththehorizon,andtheundersignedisCrushed.'Thepresentcommunicationispennedwithinthepersonalrange(Icannotcallitthesociety)ofanindividual,inastatecloselyborderingonintoxication,employedbyabroker.Thatindividualisinlegalpossessionofthepremises,underadistressforrent.Hisinventoryincludes,notonlythechattelsandeffectsofeverydescriptionbelongingtotheundersigned,asyearlytenantofthis
habitation,butalsothoseappertainingtoMr.ThomasTraddles,lodger,amemberoftheHonourableSocietyoftheInnerTemple.'Ifanydropofgloomwerewantingintheoverflowingcup,whichisnow"commended"(inthelanguageofanimmortalWriter)tothelipsoftheundersigned,itwouldbefoundinthefact,thatafriendlyacceptancegrantedtotheundersigned,bythebefore-mentionedMr.ThomasTraddles,forthesumOf23l4s91/2disoverdue,andisNOTprovidedfor.Also,inthefactthatthelivingresponsibilitiesclingingtotheundersignedwill,inthecourseofnature,beincreasedbythesumofonemorehelplessvictim;whosemiserableappearancemaybelookedfor-inroundnumbers-attheexpirationofaperiodnotexceedingsixlunarmonthsfromthepresentdate.'Afterpremisingthusmuch,itwouldbeaworkofsupererogationtoadd,thatdustandashesareforeverscattered'On'The'Head'Of'WILKINSMICAWBER.'
PoorTraddles!IknewenoughofMr.Micawberbythistime,toforeseethathemightbeexpectedtorecovertheblow;butmynight'srestwassorelydistressedbythoughtsofTraddles,andofthecurate'sdaughter,whowasoneoften,downinDevonshire,andwhowassuchadeargirl,andwhowouldwaitforTraddles(ominouspraise!)untilshewassixty,oranyagethatcouldbementioned.CHAPTER29IVISITSTEERFORTHATHISHOME,AGAINImentionedtoMr.Spenlowinthemorning,thatIwantedleaveofabsenceforashorttime;andasIwasnotinthereceiptofanysalary,andconsequentlywasnotobnoxioustotheimplacableJorkins,therewasnodifficultyaboutit.Itookthatopportunity,withmyvoicestickinginmythroat,andmysightfailingasIutteredthewords,toexpressmyhopethatMissSpenlowwasquitewell;towhichMr.Spenlowreplied,withnomoreemotionthanifhehadbeenspeakingofanordinaryhumanbeing,thathewasmuchobligedtome,andshewasverywell.
Wearticledclerks,asgermsofthepatricianorderofproctors,weretreatedwithsomuchconsideration,thatIwasalmostmyownmasteratalltimes.AsIdidnotcare,however,togettoHighgatebeforeoneortwoo'clockintheday,andaswehadanotherlittleexcommunicationcaseincourtthatmorning,whichwascalledTheofficeofthejudgepromotedbyTipkinsagainstBullockforhissoul'scorrection,IpassedanhourortwoinattendanceonitwithMr.Spenlowveryagreeably.Itaroseoutofascufflebetweentwochurchwardens,oneofwhomwasallegedtohavepushedtheotheragainstapump;thehandleofwhichpumpprojectingintoaschool-house,whichschool-housewasunderagableofthechurch-roof,madethepushanecclesiasticaloffence.Itwasanamusingcase;andsentmeuptoHighgate,ontheboxofthestage-coach,thinkingabouttheCommons,andwhatMr.SpenlowhadsaidabouttouchingtheCommonsandbringingdownthecountry.Mrs.Steerforthwaspleasedtoseeme,andsowasRosaDartle.IwasagreeablysurprisedtofindthatLittimerwasnotthere,andthatwewereattendedbyamodestlittleparlour-maid,withblueribbonsinhercap,whoseeyeitwasmuchmorepleasant,andmuchlessdisconcerting,tocatchbyaccident,thantheeyeofthatrespectableman.ButwhatIparticularlyobserved,beforeIhad
beenhalf-an-hourinthehouse,wasthecloseandattentivewatchMissDartlekeptuponme;andthelurkingmannerinwhichsheseemedtocomparemyfacewithSteerforth's,andSteerforth'swithmine,andtolieinwaitforsomethingtocomeoutbetweenthetwo.SosurelyasIlookedtowardsher,didIseethateagervisage,withitsgauntblackeyesandsearchingbrow,intentonmine;orpassingsuddenlyfromminetoSteerforth's;orcomprehendingbothofusatonce.Inthislynx-likescrutinyshewassofarfromfalteringwhenshesawIobservedit,thatatsuchatimesheonlyfixedherpiercinglookuponmewithamoreintentexpressionstill.BlamelessasIwas,andknewthatIwas,inreferencetoanywrongshecouldpossiblysuspectmeof,Ishrunkbeforeherstrangeeyes,quiteunabletoenduretheirhungrylustre.Allday,sheseemedtopervadethewholehouse.IfItalkedtoSteerforthinhisroom,Iheardherdressrustleinthelittlegalleryoutside.WhenheandIengagedinsomeofouroldexercisesonthelawnbehindthehouse,Isawherfacepassfromwindowtowindow,likeawanderinglight,untilitfixeditselfinone,andwatchedus.Whenweallfourwentoutwalkingintheafternoon,sheclosedherthinhandonmyarmlikeaspring,tokeepmeback,whileSteerforthandhismotherwentonoutofhearing:andthenspoketome.
'Youhavebeenalongtime,'shesaid,'withoutcominghere.Isyourprofessionreallysoengagingandinterestingastoabsorbyourwholeattention?IaskbecauseIalwayswanttobeinformed,whenIamignorant.Isitreally,though?'IrepliedthatIlikeditwellenough,butthatIcertainlycouldnotclaimsomuchforit.'Oh!Iamgladtoknowthat,becauseIalwaysliketobeputrightwhenIamwrong,'saidRosaDartle.'Youmeanitisalittledry,perhaps?''Well,'Ireplied;'perhapsitwasalittledry.''Oh!andthat'sareasonwhyyouwantreliefandchange-excitementandallthat?'saidshe.'Ah!verytrue!Butisn'titalittle-Eh?-forhim;Idon'tmeanyou?'AquickglanceofhereyetowardsthespotwhereSteerforthwaswalking,withhismotherleaningonhisarm,showedmewhomshemeant;butbeyondthat,Iwasquitelost.AndIlookedso,Ihavenodoubt.
'Don'tit-Idon'tsaythatitdoes,mindIwanttoknow-don'titratherengrosshim?Don'titmakehim,perhaps,alittlemoreremissthanusualinhisvisitstohisblindly-doting-eh?'Withanotherquickglanceatthem,andsuchaglanceatmeasseemedtolookintomyinnermostthoughts.'MissDartle,'Ireturned,'praydonotthink-''Idon't!'shesaid.'Ohdearme,don'tsupposethatIthinkanything!Iamnotsuspicious.Ionlyaskaquestion.Idon'tstateanyopinion.Iwanttofoundanopiniononwhatyoutellme.Then,it'snotso?Well!Iamverygladtoknowit.''Itcertainlyisnotthefact,'saidI,perplexed,'thatIamaccountableforSteerforth'shavingbeenawayfromhomelongerthanusual-ifhehasbeen:whichIreallydon'tknowatthismoment,unlessIunderstanditfromyou.Ihavenotseenhimthislongwhile,untillastnight.''No?''Indeed,MissDartle,no!'
Asshelookedfullatme,Isawherfacegrowsharperandpaler,andthemarksoftheoldwoundlengthenoutuntilitcutthroughthedisfiguredlip,anddeepintothenetherlip,andslanteddowntheface.Therewassomethingpositivelyawfultomeinthis,andinthebrightnessofhereyes,asshesaid,lookingfixedlyatme:'Whatishedoing?'Irepeatedthewords,moretomyselfthanher,beingsoamazed.'Whatishedoing?'shesaid,withaneagernessthatseemedenoughtoconsumeherlikeafire.'Inwhatisthatmanassistinghim,whoneverlooksatmewithoutaninscrutablefalsehoodinhiseyes?Ifyouarehonourableandfaithful,Idon'taskyoutobetrayyourfriend.Iaskyouonlytotellme,isitanger,isithatred,isitpride,isitrestlessness,isitsomewildfancy,isitlove,whatisit,thatisleadinghim?''MissDartle,'Ireturned,'howshallItellyou,sothatyouwillbelieveme,thatIknowofnothinginSteerforthdifferentfromwhattherewaswhenIfirstcamehere?Icanthinkofnothing.Ifirmlybelievethereisnothing.Ihardlyunderstandevenwhatyou
mean.'Asshestillstoodlookingfixedlyatme,atwitchingorthrobbing,fromwhichIcouldnotdissociatetheideaofpain,cameintothatcruelmark;andliftedupthecornerofherlipasifwithscorn,orwithapitythatdespiseditsobject.Sheputherhanduponithurriedly-ahandsothinanddelicate,thatwhenIhadseenherholditupbeforethefiretoshadeherface,Ihadcompareditinmythoughtstofineporcelain-andsaying,inaquick,fierce,passionateway,'Iswearyoutosecrecyaboutthis!'saidnotawordmore.Mrs.Steerforthwasparticularlyhappyinherson'ssociety,andSteerforthwas,onthisoccasion,particularlyattentiveandrespectfultoher.Itwasveryinterestingtometoseethemtogether,notonlyonaccountoftheirmutualaffection,butbecauseofthestrongpersonalresemblancebetweenthem,andthemannerinwhichwhatwashaughtyorimpetuousinhimwassoftenedbyageandsex,inher,toagraciousdignity.Ithought,morethanonce,thatitwaswellnoseriouscauseofdivisionhadevercomebetweenthem;ortwosuchnatures-Ioughtrathertoexpressit,twosuchshadesofthesamenature-mighthavebeenhardertoreconcilethanthetwoextremestoppositesincreation.Theidea
didnotoriginateinmyowndiscernment,Iamboundtoconfess,butinaspeechofRosaDartle's.Shesaidatdinner:'Oh,butdotellme,though,somebody,becauseIhavebeenthinkingaboutitallday,andIwanttoknow.''Youwanttoknowwhat,Rosa?'returnedMrs.Steerforth.'Pray,pray,Rosa,donotbemysterious.''Mysterious!'shecried.'Oh!really?Doyouconsidermeso?''DoIconstantlyentreatyou,'saidMrs.Steerforth,'tospeakplainly,inyourownnaturalmanner?''Oh!thenthisisnotmynaturalmanner?'sherejoined.'Nowyoumustreallybearwithme,becauseIaskforinformation.Weneverknowourselves.''Ithasbecomeasecondnature,'saidMrs.Steerforth,withoutanydispleasure;'butIremember,-andsomustyou,Ithink,-whenyourmannerwasdifferent,Rosa;whenitwasnotsoguarded,and
wasmoretrustful.''Iamsureyouareright,'shereturned;'andsoitisthatbadhabitsgrowuponone!Really?Lessguardedandmoretrustful?HowcanI,imperceptibly,havechanged,Iwonder!Well,that'sveryodd!Imuststudytoregainmyformerself.''Iwishyouwould,'saidMrs.Steerforth,withasmile.'Oh!Ireallywill,youknow!'sheanswered.'Iwilllearnfranknessfrom-letmesee-fromJames.''Youcannotlearnfrankness,Rosa,'saidMrs.Steerforthquickly-fortherewasalwayssomeeffectofsarcasminwhatRosaDartlesaid,thoughitwassaid,asthiswas,inthemostunconsciousmannerintheworld-'inabetterschool.''ThatIamsureof,'sheanswered,withuncommonfervour.'IfIamsureofanything,ofcourse,youknow,Iamsureofthat.'Mrs.Steerforthappearedtometoregrethavingbeenalittlenettled;forshepresentlysaid,inakindtone:
'Well,mydearRosa,wehavenotheardwhatitisthatyouwanttobesatisfiedabout?''ThatIwanttobesatisfiedabout?'shereplied,withprovokingcoldness.'Oh!Itwasonlywhetherpeople,whoarelikeeachotherintheirmoralconstitution-isthatthephrase?''It'sasgoodaphraseasanother,'saidSteerforth.'Thankyou:-whetherpeople,whoarelikeeachotherintheirmoralconstitution,areingreaterdangerthanpeoplenotsocircumstanced,supposinganyseriouscauseofvariancetoarisebetweenthem,ofbeingdividedangrilyanddeeply?''Ishouldsayyes,'saidSteerforth.'Shouldyou?'sheretorted.'Dearme!Supposingthen,forinstance-anyunlikelythingwilldoforasupposition-thatyouandyourmotherweretohaveaseriousquarrel.''MydearRosa,'interposedMrs.Steerforth,laughinggood-naturedly,'suggestsomeothersupposition!JamesandIknowourdutytoeachotherbetter,IprayHeaven!'
'Oh!'saidMissDartle,noddingherheadthoughtfully.'Tobesure.Thatwouldpreventit?Why,ofcourseitwould.Exactly.Now,IamgladIhavebeensofoolishastoputthecase,foritissoverygoodtoknowthatyourdutytoeachotherwouldpreventit!Thankyouverymuch.'OneotherlittlecircumstanceconnectedwithMissDartleImustnotomit;forIhadreasontorememberitthereafter,whenalltheirremediablepastwasrenderedplain.Duringthewholeofthisday,butespeciallyfromthisperiodofit,Steerforthexertedhimselfwithhisutmostskill,andthatwaswithhisutmostease,tocharmthissingularcreatureintoapleasantandpleasedcompanion.Thatheshouldsucceed,wasnomatterofsurprisetome.Thatsheshouldstruggleagainstthefascinatinginfluenceofhisdelightfulart-delightfulnatureIthoughtitthen-didnotsurprisemeeither;forIknewthatshewassometimesjaundicedandperverse.Isawherfeaturesandhermannerslowlychange;Isawherlookathimwithgrowingadmiration;Isawhertry,moreandmorefaintly,butalwaysangrily,asifshecondemnedaweaknessinherself,toresistthecaptivatingpowerthathepossessed;andfinally,Isawhersharpglancesoften,andhersmilebecomequitegentle,andIceasedtobeafraidofherasIhadreallybeenall
day,andweallsataboutthefire,talkingandlaughingtogether,withaslittlereserveasifwehadbeenchildren.Whetheritwasbecausewehadsattheresolong,orbecauseSteerforthwasresolvednottolosetheadvantagehehadgained,Idonotknow;butwedidnotremaininthedining-roommorethanfiveminutesafterherdeparture.'Sheisplayingherharp,'saidSteerforth,softly,atthedrawing-roomdoor,'andnobodybutmymotherhasheardherdothat,Ibelieve,thesethreeyears.'Hesaiditwithacurioussmile,whichwasgonedirectly;andwewentintotheroomandfoundheralone.'Don'tgetup,'saidSteerforth(whichshehadalreadydone)'mydearRosa,don't!Bekindforonce,andsingusanIrishsong.''WhatdoyoucareforanIrishsong?'shereturned.'Much!'saidSteerforth.'Muchmorethanforanyother.HereisDaisy,too,lovesmusicfromhissoul.SingusanIrishsong,Rosa!andletmesitandlistenasIusedtodo.'Hedidnottouchher,orthechairfromwhichshehadrisen,butsathimselfneartheharp.Shestoodbesideitforsomelittle
while,inacuriousway,goingthroughthemotionofplayingitwithherrighthand,butnotsoundingit.Atlengthshesatdown,anddrewittoherwithonesuddenaction,andplayedandsang.Idon'tknowwhatitwas,inhertouchorvoice,thatmadethatsongthemostunearthlyIhaveeverheardinmylife,orcanimagine.Therewassomethingfearfulintherealityofit.Itwasasifithadneverbeenwritten,orsettomusic,butsprungoutofpassionwithinher;whichfoundimperfectutteranceinthelowsoundsofhervoice,andcrouchedagainwhenallwasstill.Iwasdumbwhensheleanedbesidetheharpagain,playingit,butnotsoundingit,withherrighthand.Aminutemore,andthishadrousedmefrommytrance:-Steerforthhadlefthisseat,andgonetoher,andhadputhisarmlaughinglyabouther,andhadsaid,'Come,Rosa,forthefuturewewillloveeachotherverymuch!'Andshehadstruckhim,andhadthrownhimoffwiththefuryofawildcat,andhadburstoutoftheroom.'WhatisthematterwithRosa?'saidMrs.Steerforth,comingin.'Shehasbeenanangel,mother,'returnedSteerforth,'foralittlewhile;andhasrunintotheoppositeextreme,since,bywayof
compensation.''Youshouldbecarefulnottoirritateher,James.Hertemperhasbeensoured,remember,andoughtnottobetried.'Rosadidnotcomeback;andnoothermentionwasmadeofher,untilIwentwithSteerforthintohisroomtosayGoodnight.Thenhelaughedabouther,andaskedmeifIhadeverseensuchafiercelittlepieceofincomprehensibility.Iexpressedasmuchofmyastonishmentaswasthencapableofexpression,andaskedifhecouldguesswhatitwasthatshehadtakensomuchamiss,sosuddenly.'Oh,Heavenknows,'saidSteerforth.'Anythingyoulike-ornothing!Itoldyoushetookeverything,herselfincluded,toagrindstone,andsharpenedit.Sheisanedge-tool,andrequiresgreatcareindealingwith.Sheisalwaysdangerous.Goodnight!''Goodnight!'saidI,'mydearSteerforth!Ishallbegonebeforeyouwakeinthemorning.Goodnight!'Hewasunwillingtoletmego;andstood,holdingmeout,witha
handoneachofmyshoulders,ashehaddoneinmyownroom.'Daisy,'hesaid,withasmile-'forthoughthat'snotthenameyourgodfathersandgodmothersgaveyou,it'sthenameIlikebesttocallyouby-andIwish,Iwish,Iwish,youcouldgiveittome!''WhysoIcan,ifIchoose,'saidI.'Daisy,ifanythingshouldeverseparateus,youmustthinkofmeatmybest,oldboy.Come!Letusmakethatbargain.Thinkofmeatmybest,ifcircumstancesshouldeverpartus!''Youhavenobesttome,Steerforth,'saidI,'andnoworst.Youarealwaysequallyloved,andcherishedinmyheart.'Somuchcompunctionforhavingeverwrongedhim,evenbyashapelessthought,didIfeelwithinme,thattheconfessionofhavingdonesowasrisingtomylips.ButforthereluctanceIhadtobetraytheconfidenceofAgnes,butformyuncertaintyhowtoapproachthesubjectwithnoriskofdoingso,itwouldhavereachedthembeforehesaid,'Godblessyou,Daisy,andgoodnight!'Inmydoubt,itdidNOTreachthem;andweshookhands,and
weparted.Iwasupwiththedulldawn,and,havingdressedasquietlyasIcould,lookedintohisroom.Hewasfastasleep;lying,easily,withhisheaduponhisarm,asIhadoftenseenhimlieatschool.Thetimecameinitsseason,andthatwasverysoon,whenIalmostwonderedthatnothingtroubledhisrepose,asIlookedathim.Butheslept-letmethinkofhimsoagain-asIhadoftenseenhimsleepatschool;andthus,inthissilenthour,Ilefthim.-Nevermore,ohGodforgiveyou,Steerforth!totouchthatpassivehandinloveandfriendship.Never,nevermore!CHAPTER30ALOSSIgotdowntoYarmouthintheevening,andwenttotheinn.IknewthatPeggotty'sspareroom-myroom-waslikelytohaveoccupationenoughinalittlewhile,ifthatgreatVisitor,beforewhosepresenceallthelivingmustgiveplace,werenotalreadyinthehouse;soIbetookmyselftotheinn,anddinedthere,and
engagedmybed.Itwasteno'clockwhenIwentout.Manyoftheshopswereshut,andthetownwasdull.WhenIcametoOmerandJoram's,Ifoundtheshuttersup,buttheshopdoorstandingopen.AsIcouldobtainaperspectiveviewofMr.Omerinside,smokinghispipebytheparlourdoor,Ientered,andaskedhimhowhewas.'Why,blessmylifeandsoul!'saidMr.Omer,'howdoyoufindyourself?Takeaseat.-Smokenotdisagreeable,Ihope?''Bynomeans,'saidI.'Ilikeit-insomebodyelse'spipe.''What,notinyourown,eh?'Mr.Omerreturned,laughing.'Allthebetter,sir.Badhabitforayoungman.Takeaseat.Ismoke,myself,fortheasthma.'Mr.Omerhadmaderoomforme,andplacedachair.Henowsatdownagainverymuchoutofbreath,gaspingathispipeasifitcontainedasupplyofthatnecessary,withoutwhichhemustperish.'IamsorrytohaveheardbadnewsofMr.Barkis,'saidI.
Mr.Omerlookedatme,withasteadycountenance,andshookhishead.'Doyouknowhowheistonight?'Iasked.'TheveryquestionIshouldhaveputtoyou,sir,'returnedMr.Omer,'butonaccountofdelicacy.It'soneofthedrawbacksofourlineofbusiness.Whenaparty'sill,wecan'taskhowthepartyis.'Thedifficultyhadnotoccurredtome;thoughIhadhadmyapprehensionstoo,whenIwentin,ofhearingtheoldtune.Onitsbeingmentioned,Irecognizedit,however,andsaidasmuch.'Yes,yes,youunderstand,'saidMr.Omer,noddinghishead.'Wedursn'tdoit.Blessyou,itwouldbeashockthatthegeneralityofpartiesmightn'trecover,tosay"OmerandJoram'scompliments,andhowdoyoufindyourselfthismorning?"-orthisafternoon-asitmaybe.'Mr.OmerandInoddedateachother,andMr.Omerrecruitedhiswindbytheaidofhispipe.
'It'soneofthethingsthatcutthetradeofffromattentionstheycouldoftenwishtoshow,'saidMr.Omer.'Takemyself.IfIhaveknownBarkisayear,tomovetoashewentby,Ihaveknownhimfortyyears.ButIcan'tgoandsay,"howishe?"'IfeltitwasratherhardonMr.Omer,andItoldhimso.'I'mnotmoreself-interested,Ihope,thananotherman,'saidMr.Omer.'Lookatme!Mywindmayfailmeatanymoment,anditain'tlikelythat,tomyownknowledge,I'dbeself-interestedundersuchcircumstances.Isayitain'tlikely,inamanwhoknowshiswindwillgo,whenitDOESgo,asifapairofbellowswascutopen;andthatmanagrandfather,'saidMr.Omer.Isaid,'Notatall.''Itain'tthatIcomplainofmylineofbusiness,'saidMr.Omer.'Itain'tthat.Somegoodandsomebadgoes,nodoubt,toallcallings.WhatIwishis,thatpartieswasbroughtupstronger-minded.'Mr.Omer,withaverycomplacentandamiableface,tookseveralpuffsinsilence;andthensaid,resuminghisfirstpoint:
'Accordinglywe'reobleeged,inascertaininghowBarkisgoeson,tolimitourselvestoEm'ly.Sheknowswhatourrealobjectsare,andshedon'thaveanymorealarmsorsuspicionsaboutus,thanifwewassomanylambs.MinnieandJoramhavejuststeppeddowntothehouse,infact(she'sthere,afterhours,helpingherauntabit),toaskherhowheistonight;andifyouwastopleasetowaittilltheycomeback,they'dgiveyoufullpartic'lers.Willyoutakesomething?Aglassofsrubandwater,now?Ismokeonsrubandwater,myself,'saidMr.Omer,takinguphisglass,'becauseit'sconsideredsofteningtothepassages,bywhichthistroublesomebreathofminegetsintoaction.But,Lordblessyou,'saidMr.Omer,huskily,'itain'tthepassagesthat'soutoforder!"Givemebreathenough,"saidItomydaughterMinnie,"andI'llfindpassages,mydear."'Hereallyhadnobreathtospare,anditwasveryalarmingtoseehimlaugh.Whenhewasagaininaconditiontobetalkedto,Ithankedhimfortheprofferedrefreshment,whichIdeclined,asIhadjusthaddinner;and,observingthatIwouldwait,sincehewassogoodastoinviteme,untilhisdaughterandhisson-in-lawcameback,IinquiredhowlittleEmilywas?
'Well,sir,'saidMr.Omer,removinghispipe,thathemightrubhischin:'Itellyoutruly,Ishallbegladwhenhermarriagehastakenplace.''Whyso?'Iinquired.'Well,she'sunsettledatpresent,'saidMr.Omer.'Itain'tthatshe'snotasprettyasever,forshe'sprettier-Idoassureyou,sheisprettier.Itain'tthatshedon'tworkaswellasever,forshedoes.SheWASworthanysix,andsheISworthanysix.Butsomehowshewantsheart.Ifyouunderstand,'saidMr.Omer,afterrubbinghischinagain,andsmokingalittle,'whatImeaninageneralwaybytheexpression,"Alongpull,andastrongpull,andapullaltogether,myhearties,hurrah!"Ishouldsaytoyou,thatthatwas-inageneralway-whatImissinEm'ly.'Mr.Omer'sfaceandmannerwentforsomuch,thatIcouldconscientiouslynodmyhead,asdivininghismeaning.Myquicknessofapprehensionseemedtopleasehim,andhewenton:'NowIconsiderthisisprincipallyonaccountofherbeinginanunsettledstate,yousee.Wehavetalkeditoveragooddeal,heruncleandmyself,andhersweetheartandmyself,afterbusiness;andIconsideritisprincipallyonaccountofherbeingunsettled.
YoumustalwaysrecollectofEm'ly,'saidMr.Omer,shakinghisheadgently,'thatshe'samostextraordinaryaffectionatelittlething.Theproverbsays,"Youcan'tmakeasilkpurseoutofasow'sear."Well,Idon'tknowaboutthat.Iratherthinkyoumay,ifyoubeginearlyinlife.Shehasmadeahomeoutofthatoldboat,sir,thatstoneandmarblecouldn'tbeat.''Iamsureshehas!'saidI.'Toseetheclingingofthatprettylittlethingtoheruncle,'saidMr.Omer;'toseethewaysheholdsontohim,tighterandtighter,andcloserandcloser,everyday,istoseeasight.Now,youknow,there'sastrugglegoingonwhenthat'sthecase.Whyshoulditbemadealongeronethanisneedful?'Ilistenedattentivelytothegoodoldfellow,andacquiesced,withallmyheart,inwhathesaid.'Therefore,Imentionedtothem,'saidMr.Omer,inacomfortable,easy-goingtone,'this.Isaid,"Now,don'tconsiderEm'lynaileddowninpointoftime,atall.Makeityourowntime.Herserviceshavebeenmorevaluablethanwassupposed;herlearninghasbeenquickerthanwassupposed;OmerandJoramcanruntheir
penthroughwhatremains;andshe'sfreewhenyouwish.Ifshelikestomakeanylittlearrangement,afterwards,inthewayofdoinganylittlethingforusathome,verywell.Ifshedon't,verywellstill.We'renolosers,anyhow."For-don'tyousee,'saidMr.Omer,touchingmewithhispipe,'itain'tlikelythatamansoshortofbreathasmyself,andagrandfathertoo,wouldgoandstrainpointswithalittlebitofablue-eyedblossom,likeher?''Notatall,Iamcertain,'saidI.'Notatall!You'reright!'saidMr.Omer.'Well,sir,hercousin-youknowit'sacousinshe'sgoingtobemarriedto?''Ohyes,'Ireplied.'Iknowhimwell.''Ofcourseyoudo,'saidMr.Omer.'Well,sir!Hercousinbeing,asitappears,ingoodwork,andwelltodo,thankedmeinaverymanlysortofmannerforthis(conductinghimselfaltogether,Imustsay,inawaythatgivesmeahighopinionofhim),andwentandtookascomfortablealittlehouseasyouorIcouldwishtoclapeyeson.Thatlittlehouseisnowfurnishedrightthrough,asneatandcompleteasadoll'sparlour;andbutforBarkis'sillness
havingtakenthisbadturn,poorfellow,theywouldhavebeenmanandwife-Idaresay,bythistime.Asitis,there'sapostponement.''AndEmily,Mr.Omer?'Iinquired.'Hasshebecomemoresettled?''Whythat,youknow,'hereturned,rubbinghisdoublechinagain,'can'tnaturallybeexpected.Theprospectofthechangeandseparation,andallthat,is,asonemaysay,closetoherandfarawayfromher,bothatonce.Barkis'sdeathneedn'tputitoffmuch,buthislingeringmight.Anyway,it'sanuncertainstateofmatters,yousee.''Isee,'saidI.'Consequently,'pursuedMr.Omer,'Em'ly'sstillalittledown,andalittlefluttered;perhaps,uponthewhole,she'smoresothanshewas.Everydaysheseemstogetfonderandfonderofheruncle,andmorelothtopartfromallofus.Akindwordfrommebringsthetearsintohereyes;andifyouwastoseeherwithmydaughterMinnie'slittlegirl,you'dneverforgetit.Blessmyheartalive!'saidMr.Omer,pondering,'howshelovesthatchild!'
Havingsofavourableanopportunity,itoccurredtometoaskMr.Omer,beforeourconversationshouldbeinterruptedbythereturnofhisdaughterandherhusband,whetherheknewanythingofMartha.'Ah!'herejoined,shakinghishead,andlookingverymuchdejected.'Nogood.Asadstory,sir,howeveryoucometoknowit.Ineverthoughttherewasharminthegirl.Iwouldn'twishtomentionitbeforemydaughterMinnie-forshe'dtakemeupdirectly-butIneverdid.Noneofuseverdid.'Mr.Omer,hearinghisdaughter'sfootstepbeforeIheardit,touchedmewithhispipe,andshutuponeeye,asacaution.Sheandherhusbandcameinimmediatelyafterwards.Theirreportwas,thatMr.Barkiswas'asbadasbadcouldbe';thathewasquiteunconscious;andthatMr.Chilliphadmournfullysaidinthekitchen,ongoingawayjustnow,thattheCollegeofPhysicians,theCollegeofSurgeons,andApothecaries'Hall,iftheywereallcalledintogether,couldn'thelphim.HewaspastbothColleges,Mr.Chillipsaid,andtheHallcouldonlypoisonhim.
Hearingthis,andlearningthatMr.Peggottywasthere,Ideterminedtogotothehouseatonce.IbadegoodnighttoMr.Omer,andtoMr.andMrs.Joram;anddirectedmystepsthither,withasolemnfeeling,whichmadeMr.Barkisquiteanewanddifferentcreature.MylowtapatthedoorwasansweredbyMr.Peggotty.HewasnotsomuchsurprisedtoseemeasIhadexpected.IremarkedthisinPeggotty,too,whenshecamedown;andIhaveseenitsince;andIthink,intheexpectationofthatdreadsurprise,allotherchangesandsurprisesdwindleintonothing.IshookhandswithMr.Peggotty,andpassedintothekitchen,whilehesoftlyclosedthedoor.LittleEmilywassittingbythefire,withherhandsbeforeherface.Hamwasstandingnearher.Wespokeinwhispers;listening,betweenwhiles,foranysoundintheroomabove.Ihadnotthoughtofitontheoccasionofmylastvisit,buthowstrangeitwastome,now,tomissMr.Barkisoutofthekitchen!'Thisisverykindofyou,Mas'rDavy,'saidMr.Peggotty.
'It'soncommonkind,'saidHam.'Em'ly,mydear,'criedMr.Peggotty.'Seehere!Here'sMas'rDavycome!What,cheerup,pretty!NotawuredtoMas'rDavy?'Therewasatremblinguponher,thatIcanseenow.ThecoldnessofherhandwhenItouchedit,Icanfeelyet.Itsonlysignofanimationwastoshrinkfrommine;andthensheglidedfromthechair,andcreepingtotheothersideofheruncle,bowedherself,silentlyandtremblingstill,uponhisbreast.'It'ssuchalovingart,'saidMr.Peggotty,smoothingherrichhairwithhisgreathardhand,'thatitcan'tabearthesorrerofthis.It'snat'ralinyoungfolk,Mas'rDavy,whenthey'renewtotheseheretrials,andtimid,likemylittlebird,-it'snat'ral.'Sheclungtheclosertohim,butneitherliftedupherface,norspokeaword.'It'sgettinglate,mydear,'saidMr.Peggotty,'andhere'sHamcomefurtotakeyouhome.Theer!Goalongwitht'otherlovingart!What'Em'ly?Eh,mypretty?'
Thesoundofhervoicehadnotreachedme,buthebenthisheadasifhelistenedtoher,andthensaid:'Letyoustaywithyouruncle?Why,youdoen'tmeantoaskmethat!Staywithyouruncle,Moppet?Whenyourhusbandthat'llbesosoon,isherefurtotakeyouhome?Nowapersonwouldn'tthinkit,furtoseethislittlethingalongsidearough-weatherchaplikeme,'saidMr.Peggotty,lookingroundatbothofus,withinfinitepride;'buttheseaain'tmoresaltinitthanshehasfondnessinherforheruncle-afoolishlittleEm'ly!''Em'ly'sintherightinthat,Mas'rDavy!'saidHam.'Lookeehere!AsEm'lywishesofit,andasshe'shurriedandfrightened,like,besides,I'llleavehertillmorning.Letmestaytoo!''No,no,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Youdoen'tought-amarriedmanlikeyou-orwhat'sasgood-totakeandhullawayaday'swork.Andyoudoen'toughttowatchandworkboth.Thatwon'tdo.Yougohomeandturnin.Youain'tafeerdofEm'lynotbeingtookgoodcareon,Iknow.'Hamyieldedtothispersuasion,andtookhishattogo.Evenwhenhekissedher.-andIneversawhimapproachher,butIfeltthatnaturehadgivenhimthesoulofagentleman-sheseemedtocling
closertoheruncle,eventotheavoidanceofherchosenhusband.Ishutthedoorafterhim,thatitmightcausenodisturbanceofthequietthatprevailed;andwhenIturnedback,IfoundMr.Peggottystilltalkingtoher.'Now,I'magoingupstairstotellyourauntasMas'rDavy'shere,andthat'llcheerherupabit,'hesaid.'Sityedownbythefire,thewhile,mydear,andwarmthosemortalcoldhands.Youdoen'tneedtobesofearsome,andtakeonsomuch.What?You'llgoalongwithme?-Well!comealongwithme-come!Ifherunclewasturnedoutofhouseandhome,andforcedtolaydowninadyke,Mas'rDavy,'saidMr.Peggotty,withnolesspridethanbefore,'it'smybeliefshe'dgoalongwithhim,now!Butthere'llbesomeoneelse,soon,-someoneelse,soon,Em'ly!'Afterwards,whenIwentupstairs,asIpassedthedoorofmylittlechamber,whichwasdark,Ihadanindistinctimpressionofherbeingwithinit,castdownuponthefloor.But,whetheritwasreallyshe,orwhetheritwasaconfusionoftheshadowsintheroom,Idon'tknownow.Ihadleisuretothink,beforethekitchenfire,ofprettylittleEmily'sdreadofdeath-which,addedtowhatMr.Omerhadtoldme,
Itooktobethecauseofherbeingsounlikeherself-andIhadleisure,beforePeggottycamedown,eventothinkmorelenientlyoftheweaknessofit:asIsatcountingthetickingoftheclock,anddeepeningmysenseofthesolemnhusharoundme.Peggottytookmeinherarms,andblessedandthankedmeoverandoveragainforbeingsuchacomforttoher(thatwaswhatshesaid)inherdistress.Shethenentreatedmetocomeupstairs,sobbingthatMr.Barkishadalwayslikedmeandadmiredme;thathehadoftentalkedofme,beforehefellintoastupor;andthatshebelieved,incaseofhiscomingtohimselfagain,hewouldbrightenupatsightofme,ifhecouldbrightenupatanyearthlything.Theprobabilityofhiseverdoingso,appearedtome,whenIsawhim,tobeverysmall.Hewaslyingwithhisheadandshouldersoutofbed,inanuncomfortableattitude,halfrestingontheboxwhichhadcosthimsomuchpainandtrouble.Ilearned,that,whenhewaspastcreepingoutofbedtoopenit,andpastassuringhimselfofitssafetybymeansofthediviningrodIhadseenhimuse,hehadrequiredtohaveitplacedonthechairatthebed-side,wherehehadeversinceembracedit,nightandday.Hisarmlayonitnow.Timeandtheworldwereslippingfrombeneathhim,buttheboxwasthere;andthelastwordshehadutteredwere(inanexplanatorytone)'Oldclothes!'
'Barkis,mydear!'saidPeggotty,almostcheerfully:bendingoverhim,whileherbrotherandIstoodatthebed'sfoot.'Here'smydearboy-mydearboy,MasterDavy,whobroughtustogether,Barkis!Thatyousentmessagesby,youknow!Won'tyouspeaktoMasterDavy?'Hewasasmuteandsenselessasthebox,fromwhichhisformderivedtheonlyexpressionithad.'He'sagoingoutwiththetide,'saidMr.Peggottytome,behindhishand.MyeyesweredimandsowereMr.Peggotty's;butIrepeatedinawhisper,'Withthetide?''Peoplecan'tdie,alongthecoast,'saidMr.Peggotty,'exceptwhenthetide'sprettynighout.Theycan'tbeborn,unlessit'sprettynighin-notproperlyborn,tillflood.He'sagoingoutwiththetide.It'sebbathalf-arterthree,slackwaterhalfanhour.Ifhelivestillitturns,he'llholdhisowntillpasttheflood,andgooutwiththenexttide.'
Weremainedthere,watchinghim,alongtime-hours.Whatmysteriousinfluencemypresencehaduponhiminthatstateofhissenses,Ishallnotpretendtosay;butwhenheatlastbegantowanderfeebly,itiscertainhewasmutteringaboutdrivingmetoschool.'He'scomingtohimself,'saidPeggotty.Mr.Peggottytouchedme,andwhisperedwithmuchaweandreverence.'Theyarebotha-goingoutfast.''Barkis,mydear!'saidPeggotty.'C.P.Barkis,'hecriedfaintly.'Nobetterwomananywhere!''Look!Here'sMasterDavy!'saidPeggotty.Forhenowopenedhiseyes.Iwasonthepointofaskinghimifheknewme,whenhetriedtostretchouthisarm,andsaidtome,distinctly,withapleasantsmile:'Barkisiswillin'!'
And,itbeinglowwater,hewentoutwiththetide.CHAPTER31AGREATERLOSSItwasnotdifficultforme,onPeggotty'ssolicitation,toresolvetostaywhereIwas,untilaftertheremainsofthepoorcarriershouldhavemadetheirlastjourneytoBlunderstone.Shehadlongagobought,outofherownsavings,alittlepieceofgroundinouroldchurchyardnearthegraveof'hersweetgirl',asshealwayscalledmymother;andtheretheyweretorest.InkeepingPeggottycompany,anddoingallIcouldforher(littleenoughattheutmost),Iwasasgrateful,Irejoicetothink,asevennowIcouldwishmyselftohavebeen.ButIamafraidIhadasupremesatisfaction,ofapersonalandprofessionalnature,intakingchargeofMr.Barkis'swill,andexpoundingitscontents.Imayclaimthemeritofhavingoriginatedthesuggestionthatthewillshouldbelookedforinthebox.Aftersomesearch,itwas
foundinthebox,atthebottomofahorse'snose-bag;wherein(besideshay)therewasdiscoveredanoldgoldwatch,withchainandseals,whichMr.Barkishadwornonhiswedding-day,andwhichhadneverbeenseenbeforeorsince;asilvertobacco-stopper,intheformofaleg;animitationlemon,fullofminutecupsandsaucers,whichIhavesomeideaMr.BarkismusthavepurchasedtopresenttomewhenIwasachild,andafterwardsfoundhimselfunabletopartwith;eighty-sevenguineasandahalf,inguineasandhalf-guineas;twohundredandtenpounds,inperfectlycleanBanknotes;certainreceiptsforBankofEnglandstock;anoldhorseshoe,abadshilling,apieceofcamphor,andanoyster-shell.Fromthecircumstanceofthelatterarticlehavingbeenmuchpolished,anddisplayingprismaticcoloursontheinside,IconcludethatMr.Barkishadsomegeneralideasaboutpearls,whichneverresolvedthemselvesintoanythingdefinite.Foryearsandyears,Mr.Barkishadcarriedthisbox,onallhisjourneys,everyday.Thatitmightthebetterescapenotice,hehadinventedafictionthatitbelongedto'Mr.Blackboy',andwas'tobeleftwithBarkistillcalledfor';afablehehadelaboratelywrittenonthelid,incharactersnowscarcelylegible.Hehadhoarded,alltheseyears,Ifound,togoodpurpose.His
propertyinmoneyamountedtonearlythreethousandpounds.OfthishebequeathedtheinterestofonethousandtoMr.Peggottyforhislife;onhisdecease,theprincipaltobeequallydividedbetweenPeggotty,littleEmily,andme,orthesurvivororsurvivorsofus,shareandsharealike.Alltheresthediedpossessedof,hebequeathedtoPeggotty;whomheleftresiduarylegatee,andsoleexecutrixofthathislastwillandtestament.IfeltmyselfquiteaproctorwhenIreadthisdocumentaloudwithallpossibleceremony,andsetforthitsprovisions,anynumberoftimes,tothosewhomtheyconcerned.IbegantothinktherewasmoreintheCommonsthanIhadsupposed.Iexaminedthewillwiththedeepestattention,pronounceditperfectlyformalinallrespects,madeapencil-markorsointhemargin,andthoughtitratherextraordinarythatIknewsomuch.Inthisabstrusepursuit;inmakinganaccountforPeggotty,ofallthepropertyintowhichshehadcome;inarrangingalltheaffairsinanorderlymanner;andinbeingherrefereeandadviseroneverypoint,toourjointdelight;Ipassedtheweekbeforethefuneral.IdidnotseelittleEmilyinthatinterval,buttheytoldmeshewastobequietlymarriedinafortnight.
Ididnotattendthefuneralincharacter,ifImayventuretosayso.ImeanIwasnotdressedupinablackcoatandastreamer,tofrightenthebirds;butIwalkedovertoBlunderstoneearlyinthemorning,andwasinthechurchyardwhenitcame,attendedonlybyPeggottyandherbrother.Themadgentlemanlookedon,outofmylittlewindow;Mr.Chillip'sbabywaggeditsheavyhead,androlleditsgoggleeyes,attheclergyman,overitsnurse'sshoulder;Mr.Omerbreathedshortinthebackground;nooneelsewasthere;anditwasveryquiet.Wewalkedaboutthechurchyardforanhour,afterallwasover;andpulledsomeyoungleavesfromthetreeabovemymother'sgrave.Adreadfallsonmehere.Acloudisloweringonthedistanttown,towardswhichIretracedmysolitarysteps.Ifeartoapproachit.Icannotbeartothinkofwhatdidcome,uponthatmemorablenight;ofwhatmustcomeagain,ifIgoon.Itisnoworse,becauseIwriteofit.Itwouldbenobetter,ifIstoppedmymostunwillinghand.Itisdone.Nothingcanundoit;nothingcanmakeitotherwisethanasitwas.MyoldnursewastogotoLondonwithmenextday,onthebusinessofthewill.LittleEmilywaspassingthatdayatMr.Omer's.We
werealltomeetintheoldboathousethatnight.HamwouldbringEmilyattheusualhour.Iwouldwalkbackatmyleisure.Thebrotherandsisterwouldreturnastheyhadcome,andbeexpectingus,whenthedayclosedin,atthefireside.Ipartedfromthematthewicket-gate,wherevisionaryStraphadrestedwithRoderickRandom'sknapsackinthedaysofyore;and,insteadofgoingstraightback,walkedalittledistanceontheroadtoLowestoft.ThenIturned,andwalkedbacktowardsYarmouth.Istayedtodineatadecentalehouse,somemileortwofromtheFerryIhavementionedbefore;andthusthedayworeaway,anditwaseveningwhenIreachedit.Rainwasfallingheavilybythattime,anditwasawildnight;buttherewasamoonbehindtheclouds,anditwasnotdark.IwassoonwithinsightofMr.Peggotty'shouse,andofthelightwithinitshiningthroughthewindow.Alittleflounderingacrossthesand,whichwasheavy,broughtmetothedoor,andIwentin.Itlookedverycomfortableindeed.Mr.Peggottyhadsmokedhiseveningpipeandtherewerepreparationsforsomesupperbyandby.Thefirewasbright,theasheswerethrownup,thelockerwasreadyforlittleEmilyinheroldplace.Inherownoldplacesat
Peggotty,oncemore,looking(butforherdress)asifshehadneverleftit.Shehadfallenback,already,onthesocietyofthework-boxwithSt.Paul'suponthelid,theyard-measureinthecottage,andthebitofwax-candle;andtheretheyallwere,justasiftheyhadneverbeendisturbed.Mrs.Gummidgeappearedtobefrettingalittle,inheroldcorner;andconsequentlylookedquitenatural,too.'You'refirstofthelot,Mas'rDavy!'saidMr.Peggottywithahappyface.'Doen'tkeepinthatcoat,sir,ifit'swet.''Thankyou,Mr.Peggotty,'saidI,givinghimmyoutercoattohangup.'It'squitedry.''So'tis!'saidMr.Peggotty,feelingmyshoulders.'Asachip!Sityedown,sir.Itain'to'nousesayingwelcometoyou,butyou'rewelcome,kindandhearty.''Thankyou,Mr.Peggotty,Iamsureofthat.Well,Peggotty!'saidI,givingherakiss.'Andhowareyou,oldwoman?''Ha,ha!'laughedMr.Peggotty,sittingdownbesideus,andrubbinghishandsinhissenseofrelieffromrecenttrouble,andinthe
genuineheartinessofhisnature;'there'snotawomaninthewureld,sir-asItellher-thatneedtofeelmoreeasyinhermindthanher!Shedoneherdootybythedeparted,andthedepartedknow'dit;andthedeparteddonewhatwasrightbyher,asshedonewhatwasrightbythedeparted;-and-and-andit'sallright!'Mrs.Gummidgegroaned.'Cheerup,myprittymawther!'saidMr.Peggotty.(Butheshookhisheadasideatus,evidentlysensibleofthetendencyofthelateoccurrencestorecallthememoryoftheoldone.)'Doen'tbedown!Cheerup,foryourownself,on'yalittlebit,andseeifagooddealmoredoen'tcomenat'ral!''Nottome,Dan'l,'returnedMrs.Gummidge.'Nothink'snat'raltomebuttobeloneandlorn.''No,no,'saidMr.Peggotty,soothinghersorrows.'Yes,yes,Dan'l!'saidMrs.Gummidge.'Iain'tapersontolivewiththemashashadmoneyleft.Thinksgotoocontrarywithme.Ihadbetterbeariddance.'
'Why,howshouldIeverspenditwithoutyou?'saidMr.Peggotty,withanairofseriousremonstrance.'Whatareyouatalkingon?Doen'tIwantyoumorenow,thaneverIdid?''Iknow'dIwasneverwantedbefore!'criedMrs.Gummidge,withapitiablewhimper,'andnowI'mtoldso!HowcouldIexpecttobewanted,beingsoloneandlorn,andsocontrary!'Mr.Peggottyseemedverymuchshockedathimselfforhavingmadeaspeechcapableofthisunfeelingconstruction,butwaspreventedfromreplying,byPeggotty'spullinghissleeve,andshakingherhead.AfterlookingatMrs.Gummidgeforsomemoments,insoredistressofmind,heglancedattheDutchclock,rose,snuffedthecandle,andputitinthewindow.'Theer!'saidMr.Peggotty,cheerily.'Theerweare,MissisGummidge!'Mrs.Gummidgeslightlygroaned.'Lightedup,accordin'tocustom!You'reawonderin'whatthat'sfur,sir!Well,it'sfurourlittleEm'ly.Yousee,thepathain'toverlightorcheerfularterdark;andwhenI'mhereatthehourasshe'sacomin'home,Iputsthelightinthewinder.That,yousee,'saidMr.Peggotty,bendingovermewithgreatglee,'meetstwoobjects.
Shesays,saysEm'ly,"Theer'shome!"shesays.Andlikewise,saysEm'ly,"Myuncle'stheer!"FurifIain'ttheer,Ineverhavenolightshowed.''You'reababy!'saidPeggotty;veryfondofhimforit,ifshethoughtso.'Well,'returnedMr.Peggotty,standingwithhislegsprettywideapart,andrubbinghishandsupanddowntheminhiscomfortablesatisfaction,ashelookedalternatelyatusandatthefire.'Idoen'tknowbutIam.Not,yousee,tolookat.''Notazackly,'observedPeggotty.'No,'laughedMr.Peggotty,'nottolookat,butto-toconsideron,youknow.Idoen'tcare,blessyou!NowItellyou.WhenIgoalookingandlookingaboutthattheerprittyhouseofourEm'ly's,I'm-I'mGormed,'saidMr.Peggotty,withsuddenemphasis-'theer!Ican'tsaymore-ifIdoen'tfeelasifthelittlestthingswasher,a'most.Itakes'emupandIput'emdown,andItouchesof'emasdelicateasiftheywasourEm'ly.So'tiswithherlittlebonnetsandthat.Icouldn'tseeoneon'emroughusedapurpose-notfurthewholewureld.There'sababbyfuryou,in
theformofagreatSeaPorkypine!'saidMr.Peggotty,relievinghisearnestnesswitharoaroflaughter.PeggottyandIbothlaughed,butnotsoloud.'It'smyopinion,yousee,'saidMr.Peggotty,withadelightedface,aftersomefurtherrubbingofhislegs,'asthisisalongofmyhavin'playedwithhersomuch,andmadebelieveaswewasTurks,andFrench,andsharks,andeverywarietyofforinners-blessyou,yes;andlionsandwhales,andIdoen'tknowwhatall!-whenshewarn'tnohigherthanmyknee.I'vegotintothewayonit,youknow.Why,thisherecandle,now!'saidMr.Peggotty,gleefullyholdingouthishandtowardsit,'Iknowwerywellthatartershe'smarriedandgone,Ishallputthatcandletheer,justthesameasnow.IknowwerywellthatwhenI'mhereo'nights(andwhereelseshouldIlive,blessyourarts,whateverfortun'Icomeinto!)andsheain'thereorIain'ttheer,Ishallputthecandleinthewinder,andsitaforethefire,pretendingI'mexpectingofher,likeI'madoingnow.THERE'Sababbyforyou,'saidMr.Peggotty,withanotherroar,'intheformofaSeaPorkypine!Why,atthepresentminute,whenIseethecandlesparkleup,Isaystomyself,"She'salookingatit!Em'ly'sacoming!"THERE'Sababbyforyou,intheformofaSeaPorkypine!
Rightforallthat,'saidMr.Peggotty,stoppinginhisroar,andsmitinghishandstogether;'furheresheis!'ItwasonlyHam.ThenightshouldhaveturnedmorewetsinceIcamein,forhehadalargesou'westerhaton,slouchedoverhisface.'Wheer'sEm'ly?'saidMr.Peggotty.Hammadeamotionwithhishead,asifshewereoutside.Mr.Peggottytookthelightfromthewindow,trimmedit,putitonthetable,andwasbusilystirringthefire,whenHam,whohadnotmoved,said:'Mas'rDavy,willyoucomeoutaminute,andseewhatEm'lyandmehasgottoshowyou?'Wewentout.AsIpassedhimatthedoor,Isaw,tomyastonishmentandfright,thathewasdeadlypale.Hepushedmehastilyintotheopenair,andclosedthedooruponus.Onlyuponustwo.'Ham!what'sthematter?'
'Mas'rDavy!-'Oh,forhisbrokenheart,howdreadfullyhewept!Iwasparalysedbythesightofsuchgrief.Idon'tknowwhatIthought,orwhatIdreaded.Icouldonlylookathim.'Ham!Poorgoodfellow!ForHeaven'ssake,tellmewhat'sthematter!''Mylove,Mas'rDavy-theprideandhopeofmyart-herthatI'dhavediedfor,andwoulddiefornow-she'sgone!''Gone!''Em'ly'srunaway!Oh,Mas'rDavy,thinkHOWshe'srunaway,whenIpraymygoodandgraciousGodtokillher(herthatissodearaboveallthings)soonerthanlethercometoruinanddisgrace!'Thefaceheturneduptothetroubledsky,thequiveringofhisclaspedhands,theagonyofhisfigure,remainassociatedwiththelonelywaste,inmyremembrance,tothishour.Itisalwaysnightthere,andheistheonlyobjectinthescene.
'You'reascholar,'hesaid,hurriedly,'andknowwhat'srightandbest.WhatamItosay,indoors?HowamIevertobreakittohim,Mas'rDavy?'Isawthedoormove,andinstinctivelytriedtoholdthelatchontheoutside,togainamoment'stime.Itwastoolate.Mr.Peggottythrustforthhisface;andnevercouldIforgetthechangethatcameuponitwhenhesawus,ifIweretolivefivehundredyears.Irememberagreatwailandcry,andthewomenhangingabouthim,andweallstandingintheroom;Iwithapaperinmyhand,whichHamhadgivenme;Mr.Peggotty,withhisvesttornopen,hishairwild,hisfaceandlipsquitewhite,andbloodtricklingdownhisbosom(ithadsprungfromhismouth,Ithink),lookingfixedlyatme.'Readit,sir,'hesaid,inalowshiveringvoice.'Slow,please.Idoen'tknowasIcanunderstand.'Inthemidstofthesilenceofdeath,Ireadthus,fromablottedletter:
'"Whenyou,wholovemesomuchbetterthanIeverhavedeserved,evenwhenmymindwasinnocent,seethis,Ishallbefaraway."''Ishallbefuraway,'herepeatedslowly.'Stop!Em'lyfuraway.Well!''"WhenIleavemydearhome-mydearhome-oh,mydearhome!-inthemorning,"'theletterboredateonthepreviousnight:'"-itwillbenevertocomeback,unlesshebringsmebackalady.Thiswillbefoundatnight,manyhoursafter,insteadofme.Oh,ifyouknewhowmyheartistorn.Ifevenyou,thatIhavewrongedsomuch,thatnevercanforgiveme,couldonlyknowwhatIsuffer!Iamtoowickedtowriteaboutmyself!Oh,takecomfortinthinkingthatIamsobad.Oh,formercy'ssake,tellunclethatIneverlovedhimhalfsodearasnow.Oh,don'trememberhowaffectionateandkindyouhaveallbeentome-don'trememberwe
wereevertobemarried-buttrytothinkasifIdiedwhenIwaslittle,andwasburiedsomewhere.PrayHeaventhatIamgoingawayfrom,havecompassiononmyuncle!TellhimthatIneverlovedhimhalfsodear.Behiscomfort.LovesomegoodgirlthatwillbewhatIwasoncetouncle,andbetruetoyou,andworthyofyou,andknownoshamebutme.Godblessall!I'llprayforall,often,onmyknees.Ifhedon'tbringmebackalady,andIdon'tprayformyownself,I'llprayforall.Mypartinglovetouncle.Mylasttears,andmylastthanks,foruncle!"'Thatwasall.Hestood,longafterIhadceasedtoread,stilllookingatme.AtlengthIventuredtotakehishand,andtoentreathim,aswellasIcould,toendeavourtogetsomecommandofhimself.Hereplied,'Ithankee,sir,Ithankee!'withoutmoving.Hamspoketohim.Mr.PeggottywassofarsensibleofHISaffliction,thathewrunghishand;but,otherwise,heremainedinthesamestate,andnoonedaredtodisturbhim.Slowly,atlast,hemovedhiseyesfrommyface,asifhewerewakingfromavision,andcastthemroundtheroom.Thenhesaid,
inalowvoice:'Who'stheman?Iwanttoknowhisname.'Hamglancedatme,andsuddenlyIfeltashockthatstruckmeback.'There'samansuspected,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Whoisit?''Mas'rDavy!'imploredHam.'Gooutabit,andletmetellhimwhatImust.Youdoen'toughttohearit,sir.'Ifelttheshockagain.Isankdowninachair,andtriedtouttersomereply;butmytonguewasfettered,andmysightwasweak.'Iwanttoknowhisname!'Iheardsaidoncemore.'Forsometimepast,'Hamfaltered,'there'sbeenaservantabouthere,atoddtimes.There'sbeenagen'lm'ntoo.Bothof'embelongedtooneanother.'Mr.Peggottystoodfixedasbefore,butnowlookingathim.'Theservant,'pursuedHam,'wasseenalongwith-ourpoorgirl-
lastnight.He'sbeeninhidingabouthere,thisweekorover.Hewasthoughttohavegone,buthewashiding.Doen'tstay,Mas'rDavy,doen't!'IfeltPeggotty'sarmroundmyneck,butIcouldnothavemovedifthehousehadbeenabouttofalluponme.'Astrangechayandhosseswasoutsidetown,thismorning,ontheNorwichroad,a'mostaforethedaybroke,'Hamwenton.'Theservantwenttoit,andcomefromit,andwenttoitagain.Whenhewenttoitagain,Em'lywasnighhim.Thet'otherwasinside.He'stheman.''FortheLord'slove,'saidMr.Peggotty,fallingback,andputtingouthishand,asiftokeepoffwhathedreaded.'Doen'ttellmehisname'sSteerforth!''Mas'rDavy,'exclaimedHam,inabrokenvoice,'itain'tnofaultofyourn-andIamfarfromlayingofittoyou-buthisnameisSteerforth,andhe'sadamnedvillain!'Mr.Peggottyutterednocry,andshednotear,andmovednomore,untilheseemedtowakeagain,allatonce,andpulleddownhis
roughcoatfromitspeginacorner.'Bearahandwiththis!I'mstruckofaheap,andcan'tdoit,'hesaid,impatiently.'Bearahandandhelpme.Well!'whensomebodyhaddoneso.'Nowgivemethattheerhat!'Hamaskedhimwhitherhewasgoing.'I'magoingtoseekmyniece.I'magoingtoseekmyEm'ly.I'magoing,first,tostaveinthattheerboat,andsinkitwhereIwouldhavedrowndedhim,asI'malivingsoul,ifIhadhadonethoughtofwhatwasinhim!Ashesataforeme,'hesaid,wildly,holdingouthisclenchedrighthand,'ashesataforeme,facetoface,strikemedowndead,butI'dhavedrowndedhim,andthoughtitright!-I'magoingtoseekmyniece.''Where?'criedHam,interposinghimselfbeforethedoor.'Anywhere!I'magoingtoseekmyniecethroughthewureld.I'magoingtofindmypoornieceinhershame,andbringherback.Noonestopme!ItellyouI'magoingtoseekmyniece!''No,no!'criedMrs.Gummidge,comingbetweenthem,inafitof
crying.'No,no,Dan'l,notasyouarenow.Seekherinalittlewhile,mylonelornDan'l,andthat'llbebutright!butnotasyouarenow.Sityedown,andgivemeyourforgivenessforhavingeverbeenaworrittoyou,Dan'l-whathavemycontrarieseverbeentothis!-andletusspeakawordaboutthemtimeswhenshewasfirstanorphan,andwhenHamwastoo,andwhenIwasapoorwidderwoman,andyoutookmein.It'llsoftenyourpoorheart,Dan'l,'layingherheaduponhisshoulder,'andyou'llbearyoursorrowbetter;foryouknowthepromise,Dan'l,"Asyouhavedoneituntooneoftheleastofthese,youhavedoneituntome",-andthatcanneverfailunderthisroof,that'sbeenourshelterforsomany,manyyear!'Hewasquitepassivenow;andwhenIheardhimcrying,theimpulsethathadbeenuponmetogodownuponmyknees,andasktheirpardonforthedesolationIhadcaused,andcurseSteer-forth,yieldedtoabetterfeeling,Myoverchargedheartfoundthesamerelief,andIcriedtoo.CHAPTER32THEBEGINNINGOFALONGJOURNEY
Whatisnaturalinme,isnaturalinmanyothermen,Iinfer,andsoIamnotafraidtowritethatIneverhadlovedSteerforthbetterthanwhenthetiesthatboundmetohimwerebroken.Inthekeendistressofthediscoveryofhisunworthiness,Ithoughtmoreofallthatwasbrilliantinhim,Isoftenedmoretowardsallthatwasgoodinhim,Ididmorejusticetothequalitiesthatmighthavemadehimamanofanoblenatureandagreatname,thaneverIhaddoneintheheightofmydevotiontohim.DeeplyasIfeltmyownunconsciouspartinhispollutionofanhonesthome,IbelievedthatifIhadbeenbroughtfacetofacewithhim,Icouldnothaveutteredonereproach.Ishouldhavelovedhimsowellstill-thoughhefascinatedmenolonger-Ishouldhaveheldinsomuchtendernessthememoryofmyaffectionforhim,thatIthinkIshouldhavebeenasweakasaspirit-woundedchild,inallbuttheentertainmentofathoughtthatwecouldeverbere-united.ThatthoughtIneverhad.Ifelt,ashehadfelt,thatallwasatanendbetweenus.Whathisremembrancesofmewere,Ihaveneverknown-theywerelightenough,perhaps,andeasilydismissed-butmineofhimwereastheremembrancesofacherishedfriend,whowasdead.Yes,Steerforth,longremovedfromthescenesofthispoorhistory!
MysorrowmaybearinvoluntarywitnessagainstyouatthejudgementThrone;butmyangrythoughtsormyreproachesneverwill,Iknow!Thenewsofwhathadhappenedsoonspreadthroughthetown;insomuchthatasIpassedalongthestreetsnextmorning,Ioverheardthepeoplespeakingofitattheirdoors.Manywereharduponher,somefewwereharduponhim,buttowardshersecondfatherandherlovertherewasbutonesentiment.Amongallkindsofpeoplearespectforthemintheirdistressprevailed,whichwasfullofgentlenessanddelicacy.Theseafaringmenkeptapart,whenthosetwowereseenearly,walkingwithslowstepsonthebeach;andstoodinknots,talkingcompassionatelyamongthemselves.Itwasonthebeach,closedownbythesea,thatIfoundthem.Itwouldhavebeeneasytoperceivethattheyhadnotsleptalllastnight,evenifPeggottyhadfailedtotellmeoftheirstillsittingjustasIleftthem,whenitwasbroadday.Theylookedworn;andIthoughtMr.Peggotty'sheadwasbowedinonenightmorethaninalltheyearsIhadknownhim.Buttheywerebothasgraveandsteadyastheseaitself,thenlyingbeneathadarksky,waveless-yetwithaheavyrolluponit,asifitbreathedinitsrest-andtouched,onthehorizon,withastripofsilverylight
fromtheunseensun.'Wehavehadamortoftalk,sir,'saidMr.Peggottytome,whenwehadallthreewalkedalittlewhileinsilence,'ofwhatweoughtanddoen'toughttodo.Butweseeourcoursenow.'IhappenedtoglanceatHam,thenlookingouttoseauponthedistantlight,andafrightfulthoughtcameintomymind-notthathisfacewasangry,foritwasnot;Irecallnothingbutanexpressionofsterndeterminationinit-thatifeverheencounteredSteerforth,hewouldkillhim.'Mydootyhere,sir,'saidMr.Peggotty,'isdone.I'magoingtoseekmy-'hestopped,andwentoninafirmervoice:'I'magoingtoseekher.That'smydootyevermore.'HeshookhisheadwhenIaskedhimwherehewouldseekher,andinquiredifIweregoingtoLondontomorrow?ItoldhimIhadnotgonetoday,fearingtolosethechanceofbeingofanyservicetohim;butthatIwasreadytogowhenhewould.'I'llgoalongwithyou,sir,'herejoined,'ifyou'reagreeable,tomorrow.'
Wewalkedagain,forawhile,insilence.'Ham,'hepresentlyresumed,'he'llholdtohispresentwork,andgoandlivealongwithmysister.Theoldboatyonder-''Willyoudeserttheoldboat,Mr.Peggotty?'Igentlyinterposed.'Mystation,Mas'rDavy,'hereturned,'ain'ttherenolonger;andifeveraboatfoundered,sincetherewasdarknessonthefaceofthedeep,thatone'sgonedown.Butno,sir,no;Idoen'tmeanasitshouldbedeserted.Furfromthat.'Wewalkedagainforawhile,asbefore,untilheexplained:'Mywishesis,sir,asitshalllook,dayandnight,winterandsummer,asithasalwayslooked,sinceshefustknow'dit.Ifeversheshouldcomeawanderingback,Iwouldn'thavetheoldplaceseemtocastheroff,youunderstand,butseemtotempthertodrawnigherto't,andtopeepin,maybe,likeaghost,outofthewindandrain,throughtheoldwinder,attheoldseatbythefire.Then,maybe,Mas'rDavy,seein'nonebutMissisGummidgethere,shemighttakehearttocreepin,trembling;andmightcometobelaid
downinheroldbed,andrestherwearyheadwhereitwasoncesogay.'Icouldnotspeaktohiminreply,thoughItried.'Everynight,'saidMr.Peggotty,'asreg'larasthenightcomes,thecandlemustbestoodinitsoldpaneofglass,thatifeversheshouldseeit,itmayseemtosay"Comeback,mychild,comeback!"Ifeverthere'saknock,Ham(partic'lerasoftknock),arterdark,atyouraunt'sdoor,doen'tyougonighit.Letitbeher-notyou-thatseesmyfallenchild!'Hewalkedalittleinfrontofus,andkeptbeforeusforsomeminutes.Duringthisinterval,IglancedatHamagain,andobservingthesameexpressiononhisface,andhiseyesstilldirectedtothedistantlight,Itouchedhisarm.TwiceIcalledhimbyhisname,inthetoneinwhichImighthavetriedtorouseasleeper,beforeheheededme.WhenIatlastinquiredonwhathisthoughtsweresobent,hereplied:'Onwhat'saforeme,Mas'rDavy;andoveryon.''Onthelifebeforeyou,doyoumean?'Hehadpointedconfusedly
outtosea.'Ay,Mas'rDavy.Idoen'trightlyknowhow'tis,butfromoveryonthereseemedtometocome-theendofitlike,'lookingatmeasifhewerewaking,butwiththesamedeterminedface.'Whatend?'Iasked,possessedbymyformerfear.'Idoen'tknow,'hesaid,thoughtfully;'Iwascallingtomindthatthebeginningofitalldidtakeplacehere-andthentheendcome.Butit'sgone!Mas'rDavy,'headded;answering,asIthink,mylook;'youhan'tnocalltobeafeerdofme:butI'mkiendermuddled;Idon'tfaretofeelnomatters,'-whichwasasmuchastosaythathewasnothimself,andquiteconfounded.Mr.Peggottystoppingforustojoinhim:wedidso,andsaidnomore.Theremembranceofthis,inconnexionwithmyformerthought,however,hauntedmeatintervals,evenuntiltheinexorableendcameatitsappointedtime.Weinsensiblyapproachedtheoldboat,andentered.Mrs.Gummidge,nolongermopinginherespecialcorner,wasbusypreparingbreakfast.ShetookMr.Peggotty'shat,andplacedhisseatfor
him,andspokesocomfortablyandsoftly,thatIhardlyknewher.'Dan'l,mygoodman,'saidshe,'youmusteatanddrink,andkeepupyourstrength,forwithoutityou'lldonowt.Try,that'sadearsoul!AnifIdisturbyouwithmyclicketten,'shemeantherchattering,'tellmeso,Dan'l,andIwon't.'Whenshehadservedusall,shewithdrewtothewindow,whereshesedulouslyemployedherselfinrepairingsomeshirtsandotherclothesbelongingtoMr.Peggotty,andneatlyfoldingandpackingtheminanoldoilskinbag,suchassailorscarry.Meanwhile,shecontinuedtalking,inthesamequietmanner:'Alltimesandseasons,youknow,Dan'l,'saidMrs.Gummidge,'Ishallbeallushere,andeverythinkwilllookaccordin'toyourwishes.I'mapoorscholar,butIshallwritetoyou,oddtimes,whenyou'reaway,andsendmyletterstoMas'rDavy.Maybeyou'llwritetometoo,Dan'l,oddtimes,andtellmehowyoufaretofeeluponyourlonelornjournies.''You'llbeasolitarywomanheer,I'mafeerd!'saidMr.Peggotty.'No,no,Dan'l,'shereturned,'Ishan'tbethat.Doen'tyoumind
me.IshallhaveenoughtodotokeepaBeeinforyou'(Mrs.Gummidgemeantahome),'againyoucomeback-tokeepaBeeinhereforanythatmayhaptocomeback,Dan'l.Inthefinetime,IshallsetoutsidethedoorasIusedtodo.Ifanyshouldcomenigh,theyshallseetheoldwidderwomantrueto'em,alongwayoff.'WhatachangeinMrs.Gummidgeinalittletime!Shewasanotherwoman.Shewassodevoted,shehadsuchaquickperceptionofwhatitwouldbewelltosay,andwhatitwouldbewelltoleaveunsaid;shewassoforgetfulofherself,andsoregardfulofthesorrowabouther,thatIheldherinasortofveneration.Theworkshedidthatday!Thereweremanythingstobebroughtupfromthebeachandstoredintheouthouse-asoars,nets,sails,cordage,spars,lobster-pots,bagsofballast,andthelike;andthoughtherewasabundanceofassistancerendered,therebeingnotapairofworkinghandsonallthatshorebutwouldhavelabouredhardforMr.Peggotty,andbeenwellpaidinbeingaskedtodoit,yetshepersisted,alldaylong,intoilingunderweightsthatshewasquiteunequalto,andfaggingtoandfroonallsortsofunnecessaryerrands.Astodeploringhermisfortunes,sheappearedtohaveentirelylosttherecollectionofeverhavinghadany.Shepreservedanequablecheerfulnessinthemidstofhersympathy,
whichwasnottheleastastonishingpartofthechangethathadcomeoverher.Querulousnesswasoutofthequestion.Ididnotevenobservehervoicetofalter,orateartoescapefromhereyes,thewholedaythrough,untiltwilight;whensheandIandMr.Peggottybeingalonetogether,andhehavingfallenasleepinperfectexhaustion,shebrokeintoahalf-suppressedfitofsobbingandcrying,andtakingmetothedoor,said,'Everblessyou,Mas'rDavy,beafriendtohim,poordear!'Then,sheimmediatelyranoutofthehousetowashherface,inorderthatshemightsitquietlybesidehim,andbefoundatworkthere,whenheshouldawake.InshortIlefther,whenIwentawayatnight,thepropandstaffofMr.Peggotty'saffliction;andIcouldnotmeditateenoughuponthelessonthatIreadinMrs.Gummidge,andthenewexperiencesheunfoldedtome.Itwasbetweennineandteno'clockwhen,strollinginamelancholymannerthroughthetown,IstoppedatMr.Omer'sdoor.Mr.Omerhadtakenitsomuchtoheart,hisdaughtertoldme,thathehadbeenverylowandpoorlyallday,andhadgonetobedwithouthispipe.'Adeceitful,bad-heartedgirl,'saidMrs.Joram.'Therewasnogoodinher,ever!'
'Don'tsayso,'Ireturned.'Youdon'tthinkso.''Yes,Ido!'criedMrs.Joram,angrily.'No,no,'saidI.Mrs.Joramtossedherhead,endeavouringtobeverysternandcross;butshecouldnotcommandhersofterself,andbegantocry.Iwasyoung,tobesure;butIthoughtmuchthebetterofherforthissympathy,andfancieditbecameher,asavirtuouswifeandmother,verywellindeed.'Whatwillsheeverdo!'sobbedMinnie.'Wherewillshego!Whatwillbecomeofher!Oh,howcouldshebesocruel,toherselfandhim!'IrememberedthetimewhenMinniewasayoungandprettygirl;andIwasgladsherememberedittoo,sofeelingly.'MylittleMinnie,'saidMrs.Joram,'hasonlyjustnowbeengottosleep.EveninhersleepsheissobbingforEm'ly.Alldaylong,littleMinniehascriedforher,andaskedme,overandoveragain,
whetherEm'lywaswicked?WhatcanIsaytoher,whenEm'lytiedaribbonoffherownneckroundlittleMinnie'sthelastnightshewashere,andlaidherheaddownonthepillowbesidehertillshewasfastasleep!Theribbon'sroundmylittleMinnie'snecknow.Itoughtnottobe,perhaps,butwhatcanIdo?Em'lyisverybad,buttheywerefondofoneanother.Andthechildknowsnothing!'Mrs.Joramwassounhappythatherhusbandcameouttotakecareofher.Leavingthemtogether,IwenthometoPeggotty's;moremelancholymyself,ifpossible,thanIhadbeenyet.Thatgoodcreature-ImeanPeggotty-alluntiredbyherlateanxietiesandsleeplessnights,wasatherbrother's,whereshemeanttostaytillmorning.Anoldwoman,whohadbeenemployedaboutthehouseforsomeweekspast,whilePeggottyhadbeenunabletoattendtoit,wasthehouse'sonlyotheroccupantbesidesmyself.AsIhadnooccasionforherservices,Isenthertobed,bynomeansagainstherwill,andsatdownbeforethekitchenfirealittlewhile,tothinkaboutallthis.IwasblendingitwiththedeathbedofthelateMr.Barkis,andwasdrivingoutwiththetidetowardsthedistanceatwhichHamhadlookedsosingularlyinthemorning,whenIwasrecalledfrommy
wanderingsbyaknockatthedoor.Therewasaknockeruponthedoor,butitwasnotthatwhichmadethesound.Thetapwasfromahand,andlowdownuponthedoor,asifitweregivenbyachild.Itmademestartasmuchasifithadbeentheknockofafootmantoapersonofdistinction.Iopenedthedoor;andatfirstlookeddown,tomyamazement,onnothingbutagreatumbrellathatappearedtobewalkingaboutofitself.ButpresentlyIdiscoveredunderneathit,MissMowcher.Imightnothavebeenpreparedtogivethelittlecreatureaverykindreception,if,onherremovingtheumbrella,whichherutmosteffortswereunabletoshutup,shehadshownmethe'volatile'expressionoffacewhichhadmadesogreatanimpressiononmeatourfirstandlastmeeting.Butherface,assheturnedituptomine,wassoearnest;andwhenIrelievedheroftheumbrella(whichwouldhavebeenaninconvenientonefortheIrishGiant),shewrungherlittlehandsinsuchanafflictedmanner;thatIratherinclinedtowardsher.'MissMowcher!'saidI,afterglancingupanddowntheemptystreet,withoutdistinctlyknowingwhatIexpectedtoseebesides;'howdoyoucomehere?Whatisthematter?'
Shemotionedtomewithhershortrightarm,toshuttheumbrellaforher;andpassingmehurriedly,wentintothekitchen.WhenIhadclosedthedoor,andfollowed,withtheumbrellainmyhand,Ifoundhersittingonthecornerofthefender-itwasalowironone,withtwoflatbarsattoptostandplatesupon-intheshadowoftheboiler,swayingherselfbackwardsandforwards,andchafingherhandsuponherkneeslikeapersoninpain.Quitealarmedatbeingtheonlyrecipientofthisuntimelyvisit,andtheonlyspectatorofthisportentousbehaviour,Iexclaimedagain,'Praytellme,MissMowcher,whatisthematter!areyouill?''Mydearyoungsoul,'returnedMissMowcher,squeezingherhandsuponherheartoneovertheother.'Iamillhere,Iamveryill.Tothinkthatitshouldcometothis,whenImighthaveknownitandperhapspreventedit,ifIhadn'tbeenathoughtlessfool!'Againherlargebonnet(verydisproportionatetothefigure)wentbackwardsandforwards,inherswayingofherlittlebodytoandfro;whileamostgiganticbonnetrocked,inunisonwithit,uponthewall.
'Iamsurprised,'Ibegan,'toseeyousodistressedandserious'-whensheinterruptedme.'Yes,it'salwaysso!'shesaid.'Theyareallsurprised,theseinconsiderateyoungpeople,fairlyandfullgrown,toseeanynaturalfeelinginalittlethinglikeme!Theymakeaplaythingofme,usemefortheiramusement,throwmeawaywhentheyaretired,andwonderthatIfeelmorethanatoyhorseorawoodensoldier!Yes,yes,that'stheway.Theoldway!''Itmaybe,withothers,'Ireturned,'butIdoassureyouitisnotwithme.PerhapsIoughtnottobeatallsurprisedtoseeyouasyouarenow:Iknowsolittleofyou.Isaid,withoutconsideration,whatIthought.''WhatcanIdo?'returnedthelittlewoman,standingup,andholdingoutherarmstoshowherself.'See!WhatIam,myfatherwas;andmysisteris;andmybrotheris.Ihaveworkedforsisterandbrotherthesemanyyears-hard,Mr.Copperfield-allday.Imustlive.Idonoharm.Iftherearepeoplesounreflectingorsocruel,astomakeajestofme,whatisleftformetodobuttomakeajestofmyself,them,andeverything?IfIdoso,forthetime,whosefaultisthat?Mine?'
No.NotMissMowcher's,Iperceived.'IfIhadshownmyselfasensitivedwarftoyourfalsefriend,'pursuedthelittlewoman,shakingherheadatme,withreproachfulearnestness,'howmuchofhishelporgoodwilldoyouthinkIshouldeverhavehad?IflittleMowcher(whohadnohand,younggentleman,inthemakingofherself)addressedherselftohim,orthelikeofhim,becauseofhermisfortunes,whendoyousupposehersmallvoicewouldhavebeenheard?LittleMowcherwouldhaveasmuchneedtolive,ifshewasthebitterestanddullestofpigmies;butshecouldn'tdoit.No.ShemightwhistleforherbreadandbuttertillshediedofAir.'MissMowchersatdownonthefenderagain,andtookoutherhandkerchief,andwipedhereyes.'Bethankfulforme,ifyouhaveakindheart,asIthinkyouhave,'shesaid,'thatwhileIknowwellwhatIam,Icanbecheerfulandendureitall.Iamthankfulformyself,atanyrate,thatIcanfindmytinywaythroughtheworld,withoutbeingbeholdentoanyone;andthatinreturnforallthatisthrownatme,infollyorvanity,asIgoalong,Icanthrowbubblesback.
IfIdon'tbroodoverallIwant,itisthebetterforme,andnottheworseforanyone.IfIamaplaythingforyougiants,begentlewithme.'MissMowcherreplacedherhandkerchiefinherpocket,lookingatmewithveryintentexpressionallthewhile,andpursued:'Isawyouinthestreetjustnow.YoumaysupposeIamnotabletowalkasfastasyou,withmyshortlegsandshortbreath,andIcouldn'tovertakeyou;butIguessedwhereyoucame,andcameafteryou.Ihavebeenherebefore,today,butthegoodwomanwasn'tathome.''Doyouknowher?'Idemanded.'Iknowofher,andabouther,'shereplied,'fromOmerandJoram.Iwasthereatseveno'clockthismorning.DoyourememberwhatSteerforthsaidtomeaboutthisunfortunategirl,thattimewhenIsawyoubothattheinn?'ThegreatbonnetonMissMowcher'shead,andthegreaterbonnetonthewall,begantogobackwardsandforwardsagainwhensheaskedthisquestion.
Irememberedverywellwhatshereferredto,havinghaditinmythoughtsmanytimesthatday.Itoldherso.'MaytheFatherofallEvilconfoundhim,'saidthelittlewoman,holdingupherforefingerbetweenmeandhersparklingeyes,'andtentimesmoreconfoundthatwickedservant;butIbelieveditwasYOUwhohadaboyishpassionforher!''I?'Irepeated.'Child,child!Inthenameofblindill-fortune,'criedMissMowcher,wringingherhandsimpatiently,asshewenttoandfroagainuponthefender,'whydidyoupraiseherso,andblush,andlookdisturbed?'IcouldnotconcealfrommyselfthatIhaddonethis,thoughforareasonverydifferentfromhersupposition.'WhatdidIknow?'saidMissMowcher,takingoutherhandkerchiefagain,andgivingonelittlestamponthegroundwhenever,atshortintervals,sheappliedittohereyeswithbothhandsatonce.'Hewascrossingyouandwheedlingyou,Isaw;andyouweresoftwaxin
hishands,Isaw.HadIlefttheroomaminute,whenhismantoldmethat"YoungInnocence"(sohecalledyou,andyoumaycallhim"OldGuilt"allthedaysofyourlife)hadsethisheartuponher,andshewasgiddyandlikedhim,buthismasterwasresolvedthatnoharmshouldcomeofit-moreforyoursakethanforhers-andthatthatwastheirbusinesshere?HowcouldIBUTbelievehim?IsawSteerforthsootheandpleaseyoubyhispraiseofher!Youwerethefirsttomentionhername.Youownedtoanoldadmirationofher.Youwerehotandcold,andredandwhite,allatoncewhenIspoketoyouofher.WhatcouldIthink-whatDIDIthink-butthatyouwereayounglibertineineverythingbutexperience,andhadfallenintohandsthathadexperienceenough,andcouldmanageyou(havingthefancy)foryourowngood?Oh!oh!oh!Theywereafraidofmyfindingoutthetruth,'exclaimedMissMowcher,gettingoffthefender,andtrottingupanddownthekitchenwithhertwoshortarmsdistressfullyliftedup,'becauseIamasharplittlething-Ineedbe,togetthroughtheworldatall!-andtheydeceivedmealtogether,andIgavethepoorunfortunategirlaletter,whichIfullybelievewasthebeginningofhereverspeakingtoLittimer,whowasleftbehindonpurpose!'Istoodamazedattherevelationofallthisperfidy,lookingatMissMowcherasshewalkedupanddownthekitchenuntilshewas
outofbreath:whenshesatuponthefenderagain,and,dryingherfacewithherhandkerchief,shookherheadforalongtime,withoutotherwisemoving,andwithoutbreakingsilence.'Mycountryrounds,'sheaddedatlength,'broughtmetoNorwich,Mr.Copperfield,thenightbeforelast.WhatIhappenedtofindthere,abouttheirsecretwayofcomingandgoing,withoutyou-whichwasstrange-ledtomysuspectingsomethingwrong.IgotintothecoachfromLondonlastnight,asitcamethroughNorwich,andwasherethismorning.Oh,oh,oh!toolate!'PoorlittleMowcherturnedsochillyafterallhercryingandfretting,thatsheturnedroundonthefender,puttingherpoorlittlewetfeetinamongtheashestowarmthem,andsatlookingatthefire,likealargedoll.Isatinachairontheothersideofthehearth,lostinunhappyreflections,andlookingatthefiretoo,andsometimesather.'Imustgo,'shesaidatlast,risingasshespoke.'It'slate.Youdon'tmistrustme?'Meetinghersharpglance,whichwasassharpaseverwhensheaskedme,Icouldnotonthatshortchallengeanswerno,quitefrankly.
'Come!'saidshe,acceptingtheofferofmyhandtohelpheroverthefender,andlookingwistfullyupintomyface,'youknowyouwouldn'tmistrustme,ifIwasafull-sizedwoman!'Ifeltthattherewasmuchtruthinthis;andIfeltratherashamedofmyself.'Youareayoungman,'shesaid,nodding.'Takeawordofadvice,evenfromthreefootnothing.Trynottoassociatebodilydefectswithmental,mygoodfriend,exceptforasolidreason.'Shehadgotoverthefendernow,andIhadgotovermysuspicion.ItoldherthatIbelievedshehadgivenmeafaithfulaccountofherself,andthatwehadbothbeenhaplessinstrumentsindesigninghands.Shethankedme,andsaidIwasagoodfellow.'Now,mind!'sheexclaimed,turningbackonherwaytothedoor,andlookingshrewdlyatme,withherforefingerupagain.-'Ihavesomereasontosuspect,fromwhatIhaveheard-myearsarealwaysopen;Ican'taffordtosparewhatpowersIhave-thattheyaregoneabroad.Butifevertheyreturn,ifeveranyoneofthemreturns,whileIamalive,Iammorelikelythananother,going
aboutasIdo,tofinditoutsoon.WhateverIknow,youshallknow.IfeverIcandoanythingtoservethepoorbetrayedgirl,Iwilldoitfaithfully,pleaseHeaven!AndLittimerhadbetterhaveabloodhoundathisback,thanlittleMowcher!'Iplacedimplicitfaithinthislaststatement,whenImarkedthelookwithwhichitwasaccompanied.'Trustmenomore,buttrustmenoless,thanyouwouldtrustafull-sizedwoman,'saidthelittlecreature,touchingmeappealinglyonthewrist.'Ifeveryouseemeagain,unlikewhatIamnow,andlikewhatIwaswhenyoufirstsawme,observewhatcompanyIamin.CalltomindthatIamaveryhelplessanddefencelesslittlething.Thinkofmeathomewithmybrotherlikemyselfandsisterlikemyself,whenmyday'sworkisdone.Perhapsyouwon't,then,beveryharduponme,orsurprisedifIcanbedistressedandserious.Goodnight!'IgaveMissMowchermyhand,withaverydifferentopinionofherfromthatwhichIhadhithertoentertained,andopenedthedoortoletherout.Itwasnotatriflingbusinesstogetthegreatumbrellaup,andproperlybalancedinhergrasp;butatlastIsuccessfullyaccomplishedthis,andsawitgobobbingdownthe
streetthroughtherain,withouttheleastappearanceofhavinganybodyunderneathit,exceptwhenaheavierfallthanusualfromsomeover-chargedwater-spoutsentittopplingover,ononeside,anddiscoveredMissMowcherstrugglingviolentlytogetitright.Aftermakingoneortwosalliestoherrelief,whichwererenderedfutilebytheumbrella'shoppingonagain,likeanimmensebird,beforeIcouldreachit,Icamein,wenttobed,andslepttillmorning.InthemorningIwasjoinedbyMr.Peggottyandbymyoldnurse,andwewentatanearlyhourtothecoachoffice,whereMrs.GummidgeandHamwerewaitingtotakeleaveofus.'Mas'rDavy,'Hamwhispered,drawingmeaside,whileMr.Peggottywasstowinghisbagamongtheluggage,'hislifeisquitebrokeup.Hedoen'tknowwheerhe'sgoing;hedoen'tknow-what'saforehim;he'sbounduponavoyagethat'lllast,onandoff,alltherestofhisdays,takemywuredfor't,unlesshefindswhathe'saseekingof.Iamsureyou'llbeafriendtohim,Mas'rDavy?''Trustme,Iwillindeed,'saidI,shakinghandswithHamearnestly.
'Thankee.Thankee,verykind,sir.Onethingfurder.I'mingoodemploy,youknow,Mas'rDavy,andIhan'tnowaynowofspendingwhatIgets.Money'sofnousetomenomore,excepttolive.Ifyoucanlayitoutforhim,Ishalldomyworkwithabetterart.Thoughastothat,sir,'andhespokeverysteadilyandmildly,'you'renottothinkbutIshallworkatalltimes,likeaman,andactthebestthatlaysinmypower!'ItoldhimIwaswellconvincedofit;andIhintedthatIhopedthetimemightevencome,whenhewouldceasetoleadthelonelylifehenaturallycontemplatednow.'No,sir,'hesaid,shakinghishead,'allthat'spastandoverwithme,sir.Noonecanneverfilltheplacethat'sempty.Butyou'llbearinmindaboutthemoney,astheer'satalltimessomelayingbyforhim?'Remindinghimofthefact,thatMr.Peggottyderivedasteady,thoughcertainlyaverymoderateincomefromthebequestofhislatebrother-in-law,Ipromisedtodoso.Wethentookleaveofeachother.Icannotleavehimevennow,withoutrememberingwithapang,atoncehismodestfortitudeandhisgreatsorrow.
AstoMrs.Gummidge,ifIweretoendeavourtodescribehowsherandownthestreetbythesideofthecoach,seeingnothingbutMr.Peggottyontheroof,throughthetearsshetriedtorepress,anddashingherselfagainstthepeoplewhowerecomingintheoppositedirection,Ishouldenteronataskofsomedifficulty.ThereforeIhadbetterleavehersittingonabaker'sdoor-step,outofbreath,withnoshapeatallremaininginherbonnet,andoneofhershoesoff,lyingonthepavementataconsiderabledistance.Whenwegottoourjourney'send,ourfirstpursuitwastolookaboutforalittlelodgingforPeggotty,whereherbrothercouldhaveabed.Weweresofortunateastofindone,ofaverycleanandcheapdescription,overachandler'sshop,onlytwostreetsremovedfromme.Whenwehadengagedthisdomicile,Iboughtsomecoldmeatataneating-house,andtookmyfellow-travellershometotea;aproceeding,Iregrettostate,whichdidnotmeetwithMrs.Crupp'sapproval,butquitethecontrary.Ioughttoobserve,however,inexplanationofthatlady'sstateofmind,thatshewasmuchoffendedbyPeggotty'stuckingupherwidow'sgownbeforeshehadbeentenminutesintheplace,andsettingtoworktodustmybedroom.ThisMrs.Cruppregardedinthelightofaliberty,andaliberty,shesaid,wasathingsheneverallowed.
Mr.PeggottyhadmadeacommunicationtomeonthewaytoLondonforwhichIwasnotunprepared.Itwas,thathepurposedfirstseeingMrs.Steerforth.AsIfeltboundtoassisthiminthis,andalsotomediatebetweenthem;withtheviewofsparingthemother'sfeelingsasmuchaspossible,Iwrotetoherthatnight.ItoldherasmildlyasIcouldwhathiswrongwas,andwhatmyownshareinhisinjury.Isaidhewasamaninverycommonlife,butofamostgentleanduprightcharacter;andthatIventuredtoexpressahopethatshewouldnotrefusetoseehiminhisheavytrouble.Imentionedtwoo'clockintheafternoonasthehourofourcoming,andIsentthelettermyselfbythefirstcoachinthemorning.Attheappointedtime,westoodatthedoor-thedoorofthathousewhereIhadbeen,afewdayssince,sohappy:wheremyyouthfulconfidenceandwarmthofhearthadbeenyieldedupsofreely:whichwasclosedagainstmehenceforth:whichwasnowawaste,aruin.NoLittimerappeared.Thepleasanterfacewhichhadreplacedhis,ontheoccasionofmylastvisit,answeredtooursummons,andwentbeforeustothedrawing-room.Mrs.Steerforthwassittingthere.RosaDartleglided,aswewentin,fromanotherpartoftheroomandstoodbehindherchair.
Isaw,directly,inhismother'sface,thatsheknewfromhimselfwhathehaddone.Itwasverypale;andborethetracesofdeeperemotionthanmyletteralone,weakenedbythedoubtsherfondnesswouldhaveraiseduponit,wouldhavebeenlikelytocreate.IthoughthermorelikehimthaneverIhadthoughther;andIfelt,ratherthansaw,thattheresemblancewasnotlostonmycompanion.Shesatuprightinherarm-chair,withastately,immovable,passionlessair,thatitseemedasifnothingcoulddisturb.ShelookedverysteadfastlyatMr.Peggottywhenhestoodbeforeher;andhelookedquiteassteadfastlyather.RosaDartle'skeenglancecomprehendedallofus.Forsomemomentsnotawordwasspoken.ShemotionedtoMr.Peggottytobeseated.Hesaid,inalowvoice,'Ishouldn'tfeelitnat'ral,ma'am,tositdowninthishouse.I'dsoonerstand.'Andthiswassucceededbyanothersilence,whichshebrokethus:'Iknow,withdeepregret,whathasbroughtyouhere.Whatdoyouwantofme?Whatdoyouaskmetodo?'
Heputhishatunderhisarm,andfeelinginhisbreastforEmily'sletter,tookitout,unfoldedit,andgaveittoher.'Pleasetoreadthat,ma'am.That'smyniece'shand!'Shereadit,inthesamestatelyandimpassiveway,-untouchedbyitscontents,asfarasIcouldsee,-andreturnedittohim.'"Unlesshebringsmebackalady,"'saidMr.Peggotty,tracingoutthatpartwithhisfinger.'Icometoknow,ma'am,whetherhewillkeephiswured?''No,'shereturned.'Whynot?'saidMr.Peggotty.'Itisimpossible.Hewoulddisgracehimself.Youcannotfailtoknowthatsheisfarbelowhim.''Raiseherup!'saidMr.Peggotty.'Sheisuneducatedandignorant.''Maybeshe'snot;maybesheis,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Ithinknot,
ma'am;butI'mnojudgeofthemthings.Teachherbetter!''Sinceyouobligemetospeakmoreplainly,whichIamveryunwillingtodo,herhumbleconnexionswouldrendersuchathingimpossible,ifnothingelsedid.''Harktothis,ma'am,'hereturned,slowlyandquietly.'Youknowwhatitistoloveyourchild.SodoI.Ifshewasahundredtimesmychild,Icouldn'tlovehermore.Youdoen'tknowwhatitistoloseyourchild.Ido.Alltheheapsofrichesinthewureldwouldbenowttome(iftheywasmine)tobuyherback!But,saveherfromthisdisgrace,andsheshallneverbedisgracedbyus.Notoneofusthatshe'sgrowedupamong,notoneofusthat'slivedalongwithherandhadherfortheirallinall,thesemanyyear,willeverlookuponherprittyfaceagain.We'llbecontenttoletherbe;we'llbecontenttothinkofher,faroff,asifshewasunderneathanothersunandsky;we'llbecontenttotrusthertoherhusband,-toherlittlechildren,p'raps,-andbidethetimewhenallofusshallbealikeinqualityaforeourGod!'Theruggedeloquencewithwhichhespoke,wasnotdevoidofalleffect.Shestillpreservedherproudmanner,buttherewasa
touchofsoftnessinhervoice,assheanswered:'Ijustifynothing.Imakenocounter-accusations.ButIamsorrytorepeat,itisimpossible.Suchamarriagewouldirretrievablyblightmyson'scareer,andruinhisprospects.Nothingismorecertainthanthatitnevercantakeplace,andneverwill.Ifthereisanyothercompensation-''Iamlookingatthelikenessoftheface,'interruptedMr.Peggotty,withasteadybutakindlingeye,'thathaslookedatme,inmyhome,atmyfireside,inmyboat-wheernot?-smilingandfriendly,whenitwassotreacherous,thatIgohalfwildwhenIthinkofit.Ifthelikenessofthatfacedon'tturntoburningfire,atthethoughtofofferingmoneytomeformychild'sblightandruin,it'sasbad.Idoen'tknow,beingalady's,butwhatit'sworse.'Shechangednow,inamoment.Anangryflushoverspreadherfeatures;andshesaid,inanintolerantmanner,graspingthearm-chairtightlywithherhands:'WhatcompensationcanyoumaketoMEforopeningsuchapitbetweenmeandmyson?Whatisyourlovetomine?Whatisyour
separationtoours?'MissDartlesoftlytouchedher,andbentdownherheadtowhisper,butshewouldnothearaword.'No,Rosa,notaword!LetthemanlistentowhatIsay!Myson,whohasbeentheobjectofmylife,towhomitseverythoughthasbeendevoted,whomIhavegratifiedfromachildineverywish,fromwhomIhavehadnoseparateexistencesincehisbirth,-totakeupinamomentwithamiserablegirl,andavoidme!Torepaymyconfidencewithsystematicdeception,forhersake,andquitmeforher!Tosetthiswretchedfancy,againsthismother'sclaimsuponhisduty,love,respect,gratitude-claimsthateverydayandhourofhislifeshouldhavestrengthenedintotiesthatnothingcouldbeproofagainst!Isthisnoinjury?'AgainRosaDartletriedtosootheher;againineffectually.'Isay,Rosa,notaword!Ifhecanstakehisalluponthelightestobject,Icanstakemyalluponagreaterpurpose.Lethimgowherehewill,withthemeansthatmylovehassecuredtohim!Doeshethinktoreducemebylongabsence?Heknowshismotherverylittleifhedoes.Lethimputawayhiswhimnow,and
heiswelcomeback.Lethimnotputherawaynow,andhenevershallcomenearme,livingordying,whileIcanraisemyhandtomakeasignagainstit,unless,beingridofherforever,hecomeshumblytomeandbegsformyforgiveness.Thisismyright.ThisistheacknowledgementIWILLHAVE.Thisistheseparationthatthereisbetweenus!Andisthis,'sheadded,lookingathervisitorwiththeproudintolerantairwithwhichshehadbegun,'noinjury?'WhileIheardandsawthemotherasshesaidthesewords,Iseemedtohearandseetheson,defyingthem.AllthatIhadeverseeninhimofanunyielding,wilfulspirit,Isawinher.AlltheunderstandingthatIhadnowofhismisdirectedenergy,becameanunderstandingofhercharactertoo,andaperceptionthatitwas,initsstrongestsprings,thesame.Shenowobservedtome,aloud,resumingherformerrestraint,thatitwasuselesstohearmore,ortosaymore,andthatshebeggedtoputanendtotheinterview.Sherosewithanairofdignitytoleavetheroom,whenMr.Peggottysignifiedthatitwasneedless.'Doen'tfearmebeinganyhindrancetoyou,Ihavenomoretosay,ma'am,'heremarked,ashemovedtowardsthedoor.'Icomebeer
withnohope,andItakeawaynohope.IhavedonewhatIthowtshouldbedone,butIneverlookedfuranygoodtocomeofmystan'ningwhereIdo.Thishasbeentooevilahousefurmeandmine,furmetobeinmyrightsensesandexpectit.'Withthis,wedeparted;leavingherstandingbyherelbow-chair,apictureofanoblepresenceandahandsomeface.Wehad,onourwayout,tocrossapavedhall,withglasssidesandroof,overwhichavinewastrained.Itsleavesandshootsweregreenthen,andthedaybeingsunny,apairofglassdoorsleadingtothegardenwerethrownopen.RosaDartle,enteringthiswaywithanoiselessstep,whenwewereclosetothem,addressedherselftome:'Youdowell,'shesaid,'indeed,tobringthisfellowhere!'Suchaconcentrationofrageandscornasdarkenedherface,andflashedinherjet-blackeyes,Icouldnothavethoughtcompressibleevenintothatface.Thescarmadebythehammerwas,asusualinthisexcitedstateofherfeatures,stronglymarked.WhenthethrobbingIhadseenbefore,cameintoitasIlookedather,sheabsolutelyliftedupherhand,andstruckit.
'Thisisafellow,'shesaid,'tochampionandbringhere,ishenot?Youareatrueman!''MissDartle,'Ireturned,'youaresurelynotsounjustastocondemnME!''Whydoyoubringdivisionbetweenthesetwomadcreatures?'shereturned.'Don'tyouknowthattheyarebothmadwiththeirownself-willandpride?''Isitmydoing?'Ireturned.'Isityourdoing!'sheretorted.'Whydoyoubringthismanhere?''Heisadeeply-injuredman,MissDartle,'Ireplied.'Youmaynotknowit.''IknowthatJamesSteerforth,'shesaid,withherhandonherbosom,asiftopreventthestormthatwasragingthere,frombeingloud,'hasafalse,corruptheart,andisatraitor.ButwhatneedIknoworcareaboutthisfellow,andhiscommonniece?'
'MissDartle,'Ireturned,'youdeepentheinjury.Itissufficientalready.Iwillonlysay,atparting,thatyoudohimagreatwrong.''Idohimnowrong,'shereturned.'Theyareadepraved,worthlessset.Iwouldhaveherwhipped!'Mr.Peggottypassedon,withoutaword,andwentoutatthedoor.'Oh,shame,MissDartle!shame!'Isaidindignantly.'Howcanyoubeartotrampleonhisundeservedaffliction!''Iwouldtrampleonthemall,'sheanswered.'Iwouldhavehishousepulleddown.Iwouldhaveherbrandedontheface,dressedinrags,andcastoutinthestreetstostarve.IfIhadthepowertositinjudgementonher,Iwouldseeitdone.Seeitdone?Iwoulddoit!Idetesther.IfIevercouldreproachherwithherinfamouscondition,Iwouldgoanywheretodoso.IfIcouldhunthertohergrave,Iwould.Iftherewasanywordofcomfortthatwouldbeasolacetoherinherdyinghour,andonlyIpossessedit,Iwouldn'tpartwithitforLifeitself.'
Themerevehemenceofherwordscanconvey,Iamsensible,butaweakimpressionofthepassionbywhichshewaspossessed,andwhichmadeitselfarticulateinherwholefigure,thoughhervoice,insteadofbeingraised,waslowerthanusual.NodescriptionIcouldgiveofherwoulddojusticetomyrecollectionofher,ortoherentiredeliveranceofherselftoheranger.Ihaveseenpassioninmanyforms,butIhaveneverseenitinsuchaformasthat.WhenIjoinedMr.Peggotty,hewaswalkingslowlyandthoughtfullydownthehill.Hetoldme,assoonasIcameupwithhim,thathavingnowdischargedhismindofwhathehadpurposeddoinginLondon,hemeant'tosetoutonhistravels',thatnight.Iaskedhimwherehemeanttogo?Heonlyanswered,'I'magoing,sir,toseekmyniece.'Wewentbacktothelittlelodgingoverthechandler'sshop,andthereIfoundanopportunityofrepeatingtoPeggottywhathehadsaidtome.Sheinformedme,inreturn,thathehadsaidthesametoherthatmorning.SheknewnomorethanIdid,wherehewasgoing,butshethoughthehadsomeprojectshapedoutinhismind.Ididnotliketoleavehim,undersuchcircumstances,andweall
threedinedtogetheroffabeefsteakpie-whichwasoneofthemanygoodthingsforwhichPeggottywasfamous-andwhichwascuriouslyflavouredonthisoccasion,Irecollectwell,byamiscellaneoustasteoftea,coffee,butter,bacon,cheese,newloaves,firewood,candles,andwalnutketchup,continuallyascendingfromtheshop.Afterdinnerwesatforanhourorsonearthewindow,withouttalkingmuch;andthenMr.Peggottygotup,andbroughthisoilskinbagandhisstoutstick,andlaidthemonthetable.Heaccepted,fromhissister'sstockofreadymoney,asmallsumonaccountofhislegacy;barelyenough,Ishouldhavethought,tokeephimforamonth.Hepromisedtocommunicatewithme,whenanythingbefellhim;andheslunghisbagabouthim,tookhishatandstick,andbadeusboth'Good-bye!''Allgoodattendyou,dearoldwoman,'hesaid,embracingPeggotty,'andyoutoo,Mas'rDavy!'shakinghandswithme.'I'ma-goingtoseekher,furandwide.IfsheshouldcomehomewhileI'maway-butah,thatain'tliketobe!-orifIshouldbringherback,mymeaningis,thatsheandmeshallliveanddiewherenoonecan'treproachher.Ifanyhurtshouldcometome,rememberthatthelastwordsIleftforherwas,"Myunchangedloveiswithmy
darlingchild,andIforgiveher!"'Hesaidthissolemnly,bare-headed;then,puttingonhishat,hewentdownthestairs,andaway.Wefollowedtothedoor.Itwasawarm,dustyevening,justthetimewhen,inthegreatmainthoroughfareoutofwhichthatby-wayturned,therewasatemporarylullintheeternaltreadoffeetuponthepavement,andastrongredsunshine.Heturned,alone,atthecornerofourshadystreet,intoaglowoflight,inwhichwelosthim.Rarelydidthathouroftheeveningcome,rarelydidIwakeatnight,rarelydidIlookupatthemoon,orstars,orwatchthefallingrain,orhearthewind,butIthoughtofhissolitaryfiguretoilingon,poorpilgrim,andrecalledthewords:'I'magoingtoseekher,furandwide.Ifanyhurtshouldcometome,rememberthatthelastwordsIleftforherwas,"Myunchangedloveiswithmydarlingchild,andIforgiveher!"'CHAPTER33BLISSFUL
Allthistime,IhadgoneonlovingDora,harderthanever.Herideawasmyrefugeindisappointmentanddistress,andmadesomeamendstome,evenforthelossofmyfriend.ThemoreIpitiedmyself,orpitiedothers,themoreIsoughtforconsolationintheimageofDora.Thegreatertheaccumulationofdeceitandtroubleintheworld,thebrighterandthepurershonethestarofDorahighabovetheworld.Idon'tthinkIhadanydefiniteideawhereDoracamefrom,orinwhatdegreeshewasrelatedtoahigherorderofbeings;butIamquitesureIshouldhifthelightwereebbingoutoftheworld.Haveyoueverwatchedtheebbingseaonanopenstretchofsandswithdrawingfartherandfartherawayfromyou?Itislikethis--onlytherewillbenofloodtofollow.Never.Itisasifthesunweregrowingsmaller,thestarsgoingoutonebyone.Therecan'tbemanyleftthatIcanseebythis.ButIhaven'thadthecouragetolookoflate..."HemusthavebeenabletomakeoutMr.VanWyk,becausehecheckedhimbyanauthoritativegestureandastoical--"Icangetaboutaloneyet."Itwasasifhehadtakenhisline,andwouldacceptno
helpfrommen,afterhavingbeencastout,likeapre-sumptuousTitan,fromhisheaven.Mr.VanWyk,ar-rested,seemedtocountthefootstepsrightoutofear-shot.Hewalkedbetweenthetables,tappingsmartlywithhisheels,tookupapaper-knife,droppeditafteravagueglancealongtheblade;thenhappeninguponthepiano,struckafewchordsagainandagain,vigor-ously,standingupbeforethekeyboardwithanatten-tivepoiseoftheheadlikeapiano-tuner;closingit,hepivotedonhisheelsbrusquely,avoidedthelittleterriersleepingtrustfullyoncrossedforepaws,cameuponthestairsnext,and,asthoughhehadlosthisbalanceonthetopstep,randownheadlongoutofthehouse.Hisservants,beginningtoclearthetable,heardhimmuttertohimself(evilwordsnodoubt)downthere,andthenafterapausegoawaywithastrollinggaitinthedirec-tionofthewharf.ThebulwarksoftheSofalalyingalongsidethebankmadealow,blackwallontheundulatingcontouroftheshore.Twomastsandafunneluprosefrombehinditwithagreatrake,asifabouttofall:asolid,squareelevationinthemiddleboretheghostlyshapesofwhite
boats,thecurvesofdavits,linesofrailandstanchions,allconfusedandminglingdarklyeverywhere;butlowdown,amidships,asinglelightedportstaredoutonthenight,perfectlyround,likeasmall,fullmoon,whoseyellowbeamcaughtapatchofwetmud,theedgeoftroddengrass,twoturnsofheavycablewoundroundthefootofathickwoodenpostintheground.Mr.VanWyk,peeringalongside,heardamuzzyboastfulvoiceapparentlyjeeringatapersoncalledPrendergast.Itmouthedabusethickly,choked;thenpronouncedverydistinctlytheword"Murphy,"andchuckled.Glasstinkledtremulously.Allthesesoundscamefromthelightedport.Mr.VanWykhesitated,stooped;itwasimpossibletolookthroughunlesshewentdownintothemud."Sterne,"hesaid,halfaloud.Thedrunkenvoicewithinsaidgladly--"Sterne--ofcourse.Lookathimblink.Lookat
him!Sterne,Whalley,Massy.Massy,Whalley,Sterne.ButMassy'sthebest.Youcan'tcomeoverhim.Hewouldjustlovetoseeyoustarve."Mr.VanWykmovedaway,madeoutfartherforwardashadowyheadstuckoutfromundertheawningsasifonthewatch,andspokequietlyinMalay,"Isthemateasleep?""No.Here,atyourservice."InamomentSterneappeared,walkingasnoiselesslyasacatonthewharf."It'ssojollydark,andIhadnoideayouwouldbedownto-night.""What'sthishorribleraving?"askedMr.VanWyk,asiftoexplainthecauseofashudderthanranoverhimaudibly."Jack'sbrokenoutonadrunk.That'soursecond.It'shisway.Hewillberightenoughbyto-morrow
afternoon,onlyMr.Massywillkeeponworryingupanddownthedeck.Wehadbettergetaway."Hemutteredsuggestivelyofatalk"upatthehouse."Hehadlongdesiredtoeffectanentrancethere,butMr.VanWyknonchalantlydemurred:itwouldnot,hefeared,bequiteprudent,perhaps;andtheopaqueblackshadowunderoneofthetwobigtreesleftatthelanding-placeswallowedthemup,impenetrablydense,bythesideofthewideriver,thatseemedtospinintothreadsofglitterthelightofafewbigstarsdroppedhereandthereuponitsoutspreadandflowingstillness."Thesituationisgravebeyonddoubt,"Mr.VanWyksaid.Ghost-likeintheirwhiteclothestheycouldnotdistinguisheachothers'features,andtheirfeetmadenosoundonthesoftearth.Asortofpurringwasheard.Mr.Sternefeltgratifiedbysuchabeginning."Ithought,Mr.VanWyk,agentlemanofyoursortwouldseeatoncehowawkwardlyIwassituated.""Yes,very.Obviouslyhishealthisbad.Perhaps
he'sbreakingup.Isee,andhehimselfiswellaware--IassumeIamspeakingtoamanofsense--heiswellawarethathislegsaregivingout.""Hislegs--ah!"Mr.Sternewasdisconcerted,andthenturnedsulky."Youmaycallithislegsifyoulike;whatIwanttoknowiswhetherheintendstoclearoutquietly.That'sagoodone,too!Hislegs!Pooh!""Why,yes.Onlylookatthewayhewalks."Mr.VanWyktookhimupinaperfectlycoolandundoubt-ingtone."Thequestion,however,iswhetheryoursenseofdutydoesnotcarryyoutoofarfromyourtrueinterest.Afterall,Itoocoulddosomethingtoserveyou.YouknowwhoIam.""EverybodyalongtheStraitshasheardofyou,sir."Mr.VanWykpresumedthatthismeantsomethingfavorable.Sternehadasoftlaughatthispleasantry.Heshouldthinkso!Totheopeningstatement,thatthepartnershipagreementwastoexpireattheendof
thisverytrip,hegaveanattentiveassent.Hewasaware.Oneheardofnothingelseonboardalltheblesseddaylong.AstoMassy,itwasnosecretthathewasinajollydeepholewiththeseworn-outboilers.Hewouldhavetoborrowsomewhereacoupleofhun-dredfirstofalltopayoffthecaptain;andthenhewouldhavetoraisemoneyonmortgageupontheshipforthenewboilers--thatis,ifhecouldfindalenderatall.Atbestitmeantlossoftime,abreakinthetrade,shortearningsfortheyear--andtherewasalwaysthedangerofhavinghisconnectionfilchedawayfromhimbytheGermans.Itwaswhisperedaboutthathehadalreadytriedtwofirms.Neitherwouldhaveanythingtodowithhim.Shiptooold,andthemantoowellknownintheplace....Mr.Sterne'sfinalrapidwink-ingremainedburiedinthedeepdarknesssibilatingwithhiswhispers."Supposing,then,hegottheloan,"Mr.VanWykresumedinadeliberateundertone,"onyourownshow-inghe'smorethanlikelytogetamortgagee'smanthrustuponhimascaptain.Formypart,IknowthatIwouldmakethatverystipulationmyselfifIhadto
findthemoney.AndasamatteroffactIamthinkingofdoingso.Itwouldbeworthmywhileinmanyways.Doyouseehowthiswouldbearonthecaseunderdis-cussion?""Thankyou,sir.Iamsureyoucouldn'tgetany-bodythatwouldcaremoreforyourinterests.""Well,itsuitsmyinterestthatCaptainWhalleyshouldfinishhistime.IshallprobablytakeapassagewithyoudowntheStraits.Ifthatcanbedone,I'llbeonthespotwhenallthesechangestakeplace,andinapositiontolookafterYOURinterests.""Mr.VanWyk,Iwantnothingbetter.IamsureIaminfinitely...""Itakeit,then,thatthismaybedonewithoutanytrouble.""Well,sir,whatriskthereiscan'tbehelped;but(speakingtoyouasmyemployernow)thethingismoresafethanitlooks.Ifanybodyhadtoldmeofit
Iwouldn'thavebelievedit,butIhavebeenlookingonmyself.ThatoldSeranghasbeentraineduptothegame.There'snothingthematterwithhis--his--limbs,sir.He'sgotusedtodoingthingshimselfinaremarkableway.Andletmetellyou,sir,thatCap-tainWhalley,poorman,isbynomeansuseless.Fact.Letmeexplaintoyou,sir.HestiffensupthatoldmonkeyofaMalay,whoknowswellenoughwhattodo.Why,hemusthavekeptcaptain'swatchesinallsortsofcountryshipsoffandonforthelastfive-and-twentyyears.Thesit,beforeMr.Spenlowandtheclerks.Mr.SpenlowdidnotappeartoknowwhattheconnexionbetweenMr.Murdstoneandmyselfwas;whichIwasgladof,forIcouldnotbeartoacknowledgehim,eveninmyownbreast,rememberingwhatIdidofthehistoryofmypoormother.Mr.Spenlowseemedtothink,ifhethoughtanythingaboutthematter,thatmyauntwastheleaderofthestatepartyinourfamily,andthattherewasarebelpartycommandedbysomebodyelse-soIgatheredatleastfromwhathesaid,whilewewerewaitingforMr.TiffeytomakeoutPeggotty'sbillofcosts.
'MissTrotwood,'heremarked,'isveryfirm,nodoubt,andnotlikelytogivewaytoopposition.Ihaveanadmirationforhercharacter,andImaycongratulateyou,Copperfield,onbeingontherightside.Differencesbetweenrelationsaremuchtobedeplored-buttheyareextremelygeneral-andthegreatthingis,tobeontherightside':meaning,Itakeit,onthesideofthemoneyedinterest.'Ratheragoodmarriagethis,Ibelieve?'saidMr.Spenlow.IexplainedthatIknewnothingaboutit.'Indeed!'hesaid.'SpeakingfromthefewwordsMr.Murdstonedropped-asamanfrequentlydoesontheseoccasions-andfromwhatMissMurdstoneletfall,Ishouldsayitwasratheragoodmarriage.''Doyoumeanthatthereismoney,sir?'Iasked.'Yes,'saidMr.Spenlow,'Iunderstandthere'smoney.Beautytoo,Iamtold.''Indeed!Ishisnewwifeyoung?'
'Justofage,'saidMr.Spenlow.'Solately,thatIshouldthinktheyhadbeenwaitingforthat.''Lorddeliverher!'saidPeggotty.Soveryemphaticallyandunexpectedly,thatwewereallthreediscomposed;untilTiffeycameinwiththebill.OldTiffeysoonappeared,however,andhandedittoMr.Spenlow,tolookover.Mr.Spenlow,settlinghischininhiscravatandrubbingitsoftly,wentovertheitemswithadeprecatoryair-asifitwereallJorkins'sdoing-andhandeditbacktoTiffeywithablandsigh.'Yes,'hesaid.'That'sright.Quiteright.Ishouldhavebeenextremelyhappy,Copperfield,tohavelimitedthesechargestotheactualexpenditureoutofpocket,butitisanirksomeincidentinmyprofessionallife,thatIamnotatlibertytoconsultmyownwishes.Ihaveapartner-Mr.Jorkins.'Ashesaidthiswithagentlemelancholy,whichwasthenextthingtomakingnochargeatall,IexpressedmyacknowledgementsonPeggotty'sbehalf,andpaidTiffeyinbanknotes.Peggottythen
retiredtoherlodging,andMr.SpenlowandIwentintoCourt,wherewehadadivorce-suitcomingon,underaningeniouslittlestatute(repealednow,Ibelieve,butinvirtueofwhichIhaveseenseveralmarriagesannulled),ofwhichthemeritswerethese.Thehusband,whosenamewasThomasBenjamin,hadtakenouthismarriagelicenceasThomasonly;suppressingtheBenjamin,incaseheshouldnotfindhimselfascomfortableasheexpected.NOTfindinghimselfascomfortableasheexpected,orbeingalittlefatiguedwithhiswife,poorfellow,henowcameforward,byafriend,afterbeingmarriedayearortwo,anddeclaredthathisnamewasThomasBenjamin,andthereforehewasnotmarriedatall.WhichtheCourtconfirmed,tohisgreatsatisfaction.ImustsaythatIhadmydoubtsaboutthestrictjusticeofthis,andwasnotevenfrightenedoutofthembythebushelofwheatwhichreconcilesallanomalies.ButMr.Spenlowarguedthematterwithme.Hesaid,Lookattheworld,therewasgoodandevilinthat;lookattheecclesiasticallaw,therewasgoodandevilinTHAT.Itwasallpartofasystem.Verygood.Thereyouwere!IhadnotthehardihoodtosuggesttoDora'sfatherthatpossiblywemightevenimprovetheworldalittle,ifwegotupearlyinthemorning,andtookoffourcoatstothework;butIconfessedthat
IthoughtwemightimprovetheCommons.Mr.Spenlowrepliedthathewouldparticularlyadvisemetodismissthatideafrommymind,asnotbeingworthyofmygentlemanlycharacter;butthathewouldbegladtohearfrommeofwhatimprovementIthoughttheCommonssusceptible?TakingthatpartoftheCommonswhichhappenedtobenearesttous-forourmanwasunmarriedbythistime,andwewereoutofCourt,andstrollingpastthePrerogativeOffice-IsubmittedthatIthoughtthePrerogativeOfficeratheraqueerlymanagedinstitution.Mr.Spenlowinquiredinwhatrespect?Ireplied,withallduedeferencetohisexperience(butwithmoredeference,Iamafraid,tohisbeingDora'sfather),thatperhapsitwasalittlenonsensicalthattheRegistryofthatCourt,containingtheoriginalwillsofallpersonsleavingeffectswithintheimmenseprovinceofCanterbury,forthreewholecenturies,shouldbeanaccidentalbuilding,neverdesignedforthepurpose,leasedbytheregistrarsfortheirOwnprivateemolument,unsafe,notevenascertainedtobefire-proof,chokedwiththeimportantdocumentsitheld,andpositively,fromtherooftothebasement,amercenaryspeculationoftheregistrars,whotookgreatfeesfromthepublic,andcrammedthepublic'swillsawayanyhowandanywhere,havingnootherobjectthantogetridofthemcheaply.That,perhaps,it
wasalittleunreasonablethattheseregistrarsinthereceiptofprofitsamountingtoeightorninethousandpoundsayear(tosaynothingoftheprofitsofthedeputyregistrars,andclerksofseats),shouldnotbeobligedtospendalittleofthatmoney,infindingareasonablysafeplacefortheimportantdocumentswhichallclassesofpeoplewerecompelledtohandovertothem,whethertheywouldorno.That,perhaps,itwasalittleunjust,thatallthegreatofficesinthisgreatofficeshouldbemagnificentsinecures,whiletheunfortunateworking-clerksinthecolddarkroomupstairsweretheworstrewarded,andtheleastconsideredmen,doingimportantservices,inLondon.Thatperhapsitwasalittleindecentthattheprincipalregistrarofall,whosedutyitwastofindthepublic,constantlyresortingtothisplace,allneedfulaccommodation,shouldbeanenormoussinecuristinvirtueofthatpost(andmightbe,besides,aclergyman,apluralist,theholderofastaffinacathedral,andwhatnot),-whilethepublicwasputtotheinconvenienceofwhichwehadaspecimeneveryafternoonwhentheofficewasbusy,andwhichweknewtobequitemonstrous.That,perhaps,inshort,thisPrerogativeOfficeofthedioceseofCanterburywasaltogethersuchapestilentjob,andsuchaperniciousabsurdity,thatbutforitsbeingsqueezedawayinacornerofSt.Paul'sChurchyard,whichfewpeopleknew,itmusthavebeenturnedcompletelyinsideout,andupsidedown,longago.
Mr.SpenlowsmiledasIbecamemodestlywarmonthesubject,andthenarguedthisquestionwithmeashehadarguedtheother.Hesaid,whatwasitafterall?Itwasaquestionoffeeling.Ifthepublicfeltthattheirwillswereinsafekeeping,andtookitforgrantedthattheofficewasnottobemadebetter,whowastheworseforit?Nobody.Whowasthebetterforit?AlltheSinecurists.Verywell.Thenthegoodpredominated.Itmightnotbeaperfectsystem;nothingwasperfect;butwhatheobjectedto,was,theinsertionofthewedge.UnderthePrerogativeOffice,thecountryhadbeenglorious.InsertthewedgeintothePrerogativeOffice,andthecountrywouldceasetobeglorious.Heconsideredittheprincipleofagentlemantotakethingsashefoundthem;andhehadnodoubtthePrerogativeOfficewouldlastourtime.Ideferredtohisopinion,thoughIhadgreatdoubtsofitmyself.Ifindhewasright,however;forithasnotonlylastedtothepresentmoment,buthasdonesointheteethofagreatparliamentaryreportmade(nottoowillingly)eighteenyearsago,whenalltheseobjectionsofmineweresetforthindetail,andwhentheexistingstowageforwillswasdescribedasequaltotheaccumulationofonlytwoyearsandahalfmore.Whattheyhavedonewiththemsince;whethertheyhavelostmany,orwhethertheysellany,nowandthen,tothebuttershops;Idon'tknow.Iam
gladmineisnotthere,andIhopeitmaynotgothere,yetawhile.Ihavesetallthisdown,inmypresentblissfulchapter,becausehereitcomesintoitsnaturalplace.Mr.SpenlowandIfallingintothisconversation,prolongeditandoursauntertoandfro,untilwedivergedintogeneraltopics.Andsoitcameabout,intheend,thatMr.SpenlowtoldmethisdayweekwasDora'sbirthday,andhewouldbegladifIwouldcomedownandjoinalittlepicnicontheoccasion.Iwentoutofmysensesimmediately;becameameredrivellernextday,onreceiptofalittlelace-edgedsheetofnote-paper,'Favouredbypapa.Toremind';andpassedtheinterveningperiodinastateofdotage.IthinkIcommittedeverypossibleabsurdityinthewayofpreparationforthisblessedevent.IturnhotwhenIrememberthecravatIbought.Mybootsmightbeplacedinanycollectionofinstrumentsoftorture.Iprovided,andsentdownbytheNorwoodcoachthenightbefore,adelicatelittlehamper,amountinginitself,Ithought,almosttoadeclaration.Therewerecrackersinitwiththetenderestmottoesthatcouldbegotformoney.Atsixinthemorning,IwasinCoventGardenMarket,buyingabouquetforDora.AttenIwasonhorseback(Ihiredagallantgrey,fortheoccasion),withthebouquetinmyhat,tokeepitfresh,trotting
downtoNorwood.IsupposethatwhenIsawDorainthegardenandpretendednottoseeher,androdepastthehousepretendingtobeanxiouslylookingforit,Icommittedtwosmallfoolerieswhichotheryounggentlemeninmycircumstancesmighthavecommitted-becausetheycamesoverynaturaltome.Butoh!whenIDIDfindthehouse,andDIDdismountatthegarden-gate,anddragthosestony-heartedbootsacrossthelawntoDorasittingonagarden-seatunderalilactree,whataspectacleshewas,uponthatbeautifulmorning,amongthebutterflies,inawhitechipbonnetandadressofcelestialblue!Therewasayoungladywithher-comparativelystrickeninyears-almosttwenty,Ishouldsay.HernamewasMissMills.andDoracalledherJulia.ShewasthebosomfriendofDora.HappyMissMills!Jipwasthere,andJipWOULDbarkatmeagain.WhenIpresentedmybouquet,hegnashedhisteethwithjealousy.Wellhemight.IfhehadtheleastideahowIadoredhismistress,wellhemight!'Oh,thankyou,Mr.Copperfield!Whatdearflowers!'saidDora.Ihadhadanintentionofsaying(andhadbeenstudyingthebest
formofwordsforthreemiles)thatIthoughtthembeautifulbeforeIsawthemsonearHER.ButIcouldn'tmanageit.Shewastoobewildering.Toseeherlaytheflowersagainstherlittledimpledchin,wastoloseallpresenceofmindandpoweroflanguageinafeebleecstasy.IwonderIdidn'tsay,'Killme,ifyouhaveaheart,MissMills.Letmediehere!'ThenDoraheldmyflowerstoJiptosmell.ThenJipgrowled,andwouldn'tsmellthem.ThenDoralaughed,andheldthemalittleclosertoJip,tomakehim.ThenJiplaidholdofabitofgeraniumwithhisteeth,andworriedimaginarycatsinit.ThenDorabeathim,andpouted,andsaid,'Mypoorbeautifulflowers!'ascompassionately,Ithought,asifJiphadlaidholdofme.Iwishedhehad!'You'llbesogladtohear,Mr.Copperfield,'saidDora,'thatthatcrossMissMurdstoneisnothere.Shehasgonetoherbrother'smarriage,andwillbeawayatleastthreeweeks.Isn'tthatdelightful?'IsaidIwassureitmustbedelightfultoher,andallthatwasdelightfultoherwasdelightfultome.MissMills,withanairofsuperiorwisdomandbenevolence,smileduponus.
'SheisthemostdisagreeablethingIeversaw,'saidDora.'Youcan'tbelievehowill-temperedandshockingsheis,Julia.''Yes,Ican,mydear!'saidJulia.'YOUcan,perhaps,love,'returnedDora,withherhandonjulia's.'Forgivemynotexceptingyou,mydear,atfirst.'Ilearnt,fromthis,thatMissMillshadhadhertrialsinthecourseofachequeredexistence;andthattothese,perhaps,ImightreferthatwisebenignityofmannerwhichIhadalreadynoticed.ifound,inthecourseoftheday,thatthiswasthecase:MissMillshavingbeenunhappyinamisplacedaffection,andbeingunderstoodtohaveretiredfromtheworldonherawfulstockofexperience,butstilltotakeacalminterestintheunblightedhopesandlovesofyouth.ButnowMr.Spenlowcameoutofthehouse,andDorawenttohim,saying,'Look,papa,whatbeautifulflowers!'AndMissMillssmiledthoughtfully,aswhoshouldsay,'YeMayflies,enjoyyourbriefexistenceinthebrightmorningoflife!'Andweallwalkedfromthelawntowardsthecarriage,whichwasgettingready.
Ishallneverhavesucharideagain.Ihaveneverhadsuchanother.Therewereonlythosethree,theirhamper,myhamper,andtheguitar-case,inthephaeton;and,ofcourse,thephaetonwasopen;andIrodebehindit,andDorasatwithherbacktothehorses,lookingtowardsme.Shekeptthebouquetclosetoheronthecushion,andwouldn'tallowJiptositonthatsideofheratall,forfearheshouldcrushit.Sheoftencarrieditinherhand,oftenrefreshedherselfwithitsfragrance.Oureyesatthosetimesoftenmet;andmygreatastonishmentisthatIdidn'tgoovertheheadofmygallantgreyintothecarriage.Therewasdust,Ibelieve.Therewasagooddealofdust,Ibelieve.IhaveafaintimpressionthatMr.Spenlowremonstratedwithmeforridinginit;butIknewofnone.IwassensibleofamistofloveandbeautyaboutDora,butofnothingelse.Hestoodupsometimes,andaskedmewhatIthoughtoftheprospect.Isaiditwasdelightful,andIdaresayitwas;butitwasallDoratome.ThesunshoneDora,andthebirdssangDora.ThesouthwindblewDora,andthewildflowersinthehedgeswereallDoras,toabud.Mycomfortis,MissMillsunderstoodme.MissMillsalonecouldenterintomyfeelingsthoroughly.
Idon'tknowhowlongweweregoing,andtothishourIknowaslittlewherewewent.PerhapsitwasnearGuildford.PerhapssomeArabian-nightmagician,openeduptheplacefortheday,andshutitupforeverwhenwecameaway.Itwasagreenspot,onahill,carpetedwithsoftturf.Therewereshadytrees,andheather,and,asfarastheeyecouldsee,arichlandscape.Itwasatryingthingtofindpeoplehere,waitingforus;andmyjealousy,evenoftheladies,knewnobounds.Butallofmyownsex-especiallyoneimpostor,threeorfouryearsmyelder,witharedwhisker,onwhichheestablishedanamountofpresumptionnottobeendured-weremymortalfoes.Weallunpackedourbaskets,andemployedourselvesingettingdinnerready.RedWhiskerpretendedhecouldmakeasalad(whichIdon'tbelieve),andobtrudedhimselfonpublicnotice.Someoftheyoungladieswashedthelettucesforhim,andslicedthemunderhisdirections.Dorawasamongthese.Ifeltthatfatehadpittedmeagainstthisman,andoneofusmustfall.RedWhiskermadehissalad(Iwonderedhowtheycouldeatit.NothingshouldhaveinducedMEtotouchit!)andvotedhimselfintothechargeofthewine-cellar,whichheconstructed,beingan
ingeniousbeast,inthehollowtrunkofatree.Byandby,Isawhim,withthemajorityofalobsteronhisplate,eatinghisdinneratthefeetofDora!Ihavebutanindistinctideaofwhathappenedforsometimeafterthisbalefulobjectpresenteditselftomyview.Iwasverymerry,Iknow;butitwashollowmerriment.Iattachedmyselftoayoungcreatureinpink,withlittleeyes,andflirtedwithherdesperately.Shereceivedmyattentionswithfavour;butwhetheronmyaccountsolely,orbecauseshehadanydesignsonRedWhisker,Ican'tsay.Dora'shealthwasdrunk.WhenIdrankit,Iaffectedtointerruptmyconversationforthatpurpose,andtoresumeitimmediatelyafterwards.IcaughtDora'seyeasIbowedtoher,andIthoughtitlookedappealing.ButitlookedatmeovertheheadofRedWhisker,andIwasadamant.Theyoungcreatureinpinkhadamotheringreen;andIratherthinkthelatterseparatedusfrommotivesofpolicy.Howbeit,therewasageneralbreakingupoftheparty,whiletheremnantsofthedinnerwerebeingputaway;andIstrolledoffbymyselfamongthetrees,inaragingandremorsefulstate.IwasdebatingwhetherIshouldpretendthatIwasnotwell,andfly-Idon'tknowwhere-uponmygallantgrey,whenDoraandMissMillsmetme.
'Mr.Copperfield,'saidMissMills,'youaredull.'Ibeggedherpardon.Notatall.'AndDora,'saidMissMills,'YOUaredull.'Ohdearno!Notintheleast.'Mr.CopperfieldandDora,'saidMissMills,withanalmostvenerableair.'Enoughofthis.Donotallowatrivialmisunderstandingtowithertheblossomsofspring,which,onceputforthandblighted,cannotberenewed.Ispeak,'saidMissMills,'fromexperienceofthepast-theremote,irrevocablepast.Thegushingfountainswhichsparkleinthesun,mustnotbestoppedinmerecaprice;theoasisinthedesertofSaharamustnotbepluckedupidly.'IhardlyknewwhatIdid,Iwasburningallovertothatextraordinaryextent;butItookDora'slittlehandandkissedit-andsheletme!IkissedMissMills'shand;andweallseemed,tomythinking,togostraightuptotheseventhheaven.Wedidnotcomedownagain.Westayeduptherealltheevening.
Atfirstwestrayedtoandfroamongthetrees:IwithDora'sshyarmdrawnthroughmine:andHeavenknows,follyasitallwas,itwouldhavebeenahappyfatetohavebeenstruckimmortalwiththosefoolishfeelings,andhavestayedamongthetreesforever!But,muchtoosoon,weheardtheotherslaughingandtalking,andcalling'where'sDora?'Sowewentback,andtheywantedDoratosing.RedWhiskerwouldhavegottheguitar-caseoutofthecarriage,butDoratoldhimnobodyknewwhereitwas,butI.SoRedWhiskerwasdoneforinamoment;andIgotit,andIunlockedit,andItooktheguitarout,andIsatbyher,andIheldherhandkerchiefandgloves,andIdrankineverynoteofherdearvoice,andshesangtoMEwholovedher,andalltheothersmightapplaudasmuchastheyliked,buttheyhadnothingtodowithit!Iwasintoxicatedwithjoy.Iwasafraiditwastoohappytobereal,andthatIshouldwakeinBuckinghamStreetpresently,andhearMrs.Cruppclinkingtheteacupsingettingbreakfastready.ButDorasang,andotherssang,andMissMillssang-abouttheslumberingechoesinthecavernsofMemory;asifshewereahundredyearsold-andtheeveningcameon;andwehadtea,withthekettleboilinggipsy-fashion;andIwasstillashappyasever.
Iwashappierthaneverwhenthepartybrokeup,andtheotherpeople,defeatedRedWhiskerandall,wenttheirseveralways,andwewentoursthroughthestilleveningandthedyinglight,withsweetscentsrisinguparoundus.Mr.Spenlowbeingalittledrowsyafterthechampagne-honourtothesoilthatgrewthegrape,tothegrapethatmadethewine,tothesunthatripenedit,andtothemerchantwhoadulteratedit!-andbeingfastasleepinacornerofthecarriage,IrodebythesideandtalkedtoDora.Sheadmiredmyhorseandpattedhim-oh,whatadearlittlehanditlookeduponahorse!-andhershawlwouldnotkeepright,andnowandthenIdrewitroundherwithmyarm;andIevenfanciedthatJipbegantoseehowitwas,andtounderstandthathemustmakeuphismindtobefriendswithme.ThatsagaciousMissMills,too;thatamiable,thoughquiteusedup,recluse;thatlittlepatriarchofsomethinglessthantwenty,whohaddonewiththeworld,andmustn'tonanyaccounthavetheslumberingechoesinthecavernsofMemoryawakened;whatakindthingshedid!'Mr.Copperfield,'saidMissMills,'cometothissideofthecarriageamoment-ifyoucanspareamoment.Iwanttospeaktoyou.'
Beholdme,onmygallantgrey,bendingatthesideofMissMills,withmyhanduponthecarriagedoor!'Doraiscomingtostaywithme.Sheiscominghomewithmethedayaftertomorrow.Ifyouwouldliketocall,Iamsurepapawouldbehappytoseeyou.'WhatcouldIdobutinvokeasilentblessingonMissMills'shead,andstoreMissMills'saddressinthesecurestcornerofmymemory!WhatcouldIdobuttellMissMills,withgratefullooksandferventwords,howmuchIappreciatedhergoodoffices,andwhataninestimablevalueIsetuponherfriendship!ThenMissMillsbenignantlydismissedme,saying,'GobacktoDora!'andIwent;andDoraleanedoutofthecarriagetotalktome,andwetalkedalltherestoftheway;andIrodemygallantgreysoclosetothewheelthatIgrazedhisnearforelegagainstit,and'tookthebarkoff',ashisownertoldme,'tothetuneofthreepun'sivin'-whichIpaid,andthoughtextremelycheapforsomuchjoy.WhattimeMissMillssatlookingatthemoon,murmuringverses-andrecalling,Isuppose,theancientdayswhensheandearthhadanythingincommon.
Norwoodwasmanymilestoonear,andwereacheditmanyhourstoosoon;butMr.Spenlowcametohimselfalittleshortofit,andsaid,'Youmustcomein,Copperfield,andrest!'andIconsenting,wehadsandwichesandwine-and-water.Inthelightroom,Dorablushinglookedsolovely,thatIcouldnottearmyselfaway,butsattherestaring,inadream,untilthesnoringofMr.Spenlowinspiredmewithsufficientconsciousnesstotakemyleave.Soweparted;IridingallthewaytoLondonwiththefarewelltouchofDora'shandstilllightonmine,recallingeveryincidentandwordtenthousandtimes;lyingdowninmyownbedatlast,asenrapturedayoungnoodleaseverwascarriedoutofhisfivewitsbylove.WhenIawokenextmorning,IwasresolutetodeclaremypassiontoDora,andknowmyfate.Happinessormiserywasnowthequestion.TherewasnootherquestionthatIknewofintheworld,andonlyDoracouldgivetheanswertoit.Ipassedthreedaysinaluxuryofwretchedness,torturingmyselfbyputtingeveryconceivablevarietyofdiscouragingconstructiononallthateverhadtakenplacebetweenDoraandme.Atlast,arrayedforthepurposeatavastexpense,IwenttoMissMills's,fraughtwithadeclaration.HowmanytimesIwentupanddownthestreet,androundthesquare-painfullyawareofbeingamuchbetteranswertotheoldriddle
thantheoriginalone-beforeIcouldpersuademyselftogoupthestepsandknock,isnomatternow.Evenwhen,atlast,Ihadknocked,andwaswaitingatthedoor,IhadsomeflurriedthoughtofaskingifthatwereMr.Blackboy's(inimitationofpoorBarkis),beggingpardon,andretreating.ButIkeptmyground.Mr.Millswasnotathome.Ididnotexpecthewouldbe.NobodywantedHIM.MissMillswasathome.MissMillswoulddo.Iwasshownintoaroomupstairs,whereMissMillsandDorawere.Jipwasthere.MissMillswascopyingmusic(Irecollect,itwasanewsong,called'Affection'sDirge'),andDorawaspaintingflowers.Whatweremyfeelings,whenIrecognizedmyownflowers;theidenticalCoventGardenMarketpurchase!Icannotsaythattheywereverylike,orthattheyparticularlyresembledanyflowersthathaveevercomeundermyobservation;butIknewfromthepaperroundthemwhichwasaccuratelycopied,whatthecompositionwas.MissMillswasverygladtoseeme,andverysorryherpapawasnotathome:thoughIthoughtweallborethatwithfortitude.MissMillswasconversationalforafewminutes,andthen,layingdownherpenupon'Affection'sDirge',gotup,andlefttheroom.
IbegantothinkIwouldputitofftilltomorrow.'Ihopeyourpoorhorsewasnottired,whenhegothomeatnight,'saidDora,liftingupherbeautifuleyes.'Itwasalongwayforhim.'IbegantothinkIwoulddoittoday.'Itwasalongwayforhim,'saidI,'forhehadnothingtoupholdhimonthejourney.''Wasn'thefed,poorthing?'askedDora.IbegantothinkIwouldputitofftilltomorrow.'Ye-yes,'Isaid,'hewaswelltakencareof.ImeanhehadnottheunutterablehappinessthatIhadinbeingsonearyou.'Dorabentherheadoverherdrawingandsaid,afteralittlewhile-Ihadsat,intheinterval,inaburningfever,andwithmylegsinaveryrigidstate-
'Youdidn'tseemtobesensibleofthathappinessyourself,atonetimeoftheday.'IsawnowthatIwasinforit,anditmustbedoneonthespot.'Youdidn'tcareforthathappinessintheleast,'saidDora,slightlyraisinghereyebrows,andshakingherhead,'whenyouweresittingbyMissKitt.'Kitt,Ishouldobserve,wasthenameofthecreatureinpink,withthelittleeyes.'ThoughcertainlyIdon'tknowwhyyoushould,'saidDora,orwhyyoushouldcallitahappinessatall.Butofcourseyoudon'tmeanwhatyousay.AndIamsurenoonedoubtsyourbeingatlibertytodowhateveryoulike.Jip,younaughtyboy,comehere!'Idon'tknowhowIdidit.Ididitinamoment.IinterceptedJip.IhadDorainmyarms.Iwasfullofeloquence.Ineverstoppedforaword.ItoldherhowIlovedher.ItoldherIshoulddiewithouther.ItoldherthatIidolizedandworshippedher.Jipbarkedmadlyallthetime.
WhenDorahungherheadandcried,andtrembled,myeloquenceincreasedsomuchthemore.Ifshewouldlikemetodieforher,shehadbuttosaytheword,andIwasready.LifewithoutDora'slovewasnotathingtohaveonanyterms.Icouldn'tbearit,andIwouldn't.Ihadlovedhereveryminute,dayandnight,sinceIfirstsawher.Ilovedheratthatminutetodistraction.Ishouldalwaysloveher,everyminute,todistraction.Lovershadlovedbefore,andloverswouldloveagain;butnoloverhadloved,might,could,would,orshouldeverlove,asIlovedDora.ThemoreIraved,themoreJipbarked.Eachofus,inhisownway,gotmoremadeverymoment.Well,well!DoraandIweresittingonthesofabyandby,quietenough,andJipwaslyinginherlap,winkingpeacefullyatme.Itwasoffmymind.Iwasinastateofperfectrapture.DoraandIwereengaged.Isupposewehadsomenotionthatthiswastoendinmarriage.Wemusthavehadsome,becauseDorastipulatedthatwewerenevertobemarriedwithoutherpapa'sconsent.But,inouryouthfulecstasy,Idon'tthinkthatwereallylookedbeforeusorbehindus;orhadanyaspirationbeyondtheignorantpresent.WeweretokeepoursecretfromMr.Spenlow;butIamsuretheideanever
enteredmyhead,then,thattherewasanythingdishonourableinthat.MissMillswasmorethanusuallypensivewhenDora,goingtofindher,broughtherback;-Iapprehend,becausetherewasatendencyinwhathadpassedtoawakentheslumberingechoesinthecavernsofMemory.Butshegaveusherblessing,andtheassuranceofherlastingfriendship,andspoketous,generally,asbecameaVoicefromtheCloister.Whatanidletimeitwas!Whataninsubstantial,happy,foolishtimeitwas!WhenImeasuredDora'sfingerforaringthatwastobemadeofForget-me-nots,andwhenthejeweller,towhomItookthemeasure,foundmeout,andlaughedoverhisorder-book,andchargedmeanythinghelikedfortheprettylittletoy,withitsbluestones-soassociatedinmyremembrancewithDora'shand,thatyesterday,whenIsawsuchanother,bychance,onthefingerofmyowndaughter,therewasamomentarystirringinmyheart,likepain!WhenIwalkedabout,exaltedwithmysecret,andfullofmyowninterest,andfeltthedignityoflovingDora,andofbeing
beloved,somuch,thatifIhadwalkedtheair,Icouldnothavebeenmoreabovethepeoplenotsosituated,whowerecreepingontheearth!Whenwehadthosemeetingsinthegardenofthesquare,andsatwithinthedingysummer-house,sohappy,thatIlovetheLondonsparrowstothishour,fornothingelse,andseetheplumageofthetropicsintheirsmokyfeathers!Whenwehadourfirstgreatquarrel(withinaweekofourbetrothal),andwhenDorasentmebackthering,enclosedinadespairingcocked-hatnote,whereinsheusedtheterribleexpressionthat'ourlovehadbeguninfolly,andendedinmadness!'whichdreadfulwordsoccasionedmetotearmyhair,andcrythatallwasover!When,undercoverofthenight,IflewtoMissMills,whomIsawbystealthinabackkitchenwheretherewasamangle,andimploredMissMillstointerposebetweenusandavertinsanity.WhenMissMillsundertooktheofficeandreturnedwithDora,exhortingus,fromthepulpitofherownbitteryouth,tomutualconcession,andtheavoidanceoftheDesertofSahara!Whenwecried,andmadeitup,andweresoblestagain,thatthe
backkitchen,mangleandall,changedtoLove'sowntemple,wherewearrangedaplanofcorrespondencethroughMissMills,alwaystocomprehendatleastoneletteroneachsideeveryday!Whatanidletime!Whataninsubstantial,happy,foolishtime!OfallthetimesofminethatTimehasinhisgrip,thereisnonethatinoneretrospectIcansmileathalfsomuch,andthinkofhalfsotenderly.CHAPTER34MYAUNTASTONISHESMEIwrotetoAgnesassoonasDoraandIwereengaged.Iwroteheralongletter,inwhichItriedtomakehercomprehendhowblestIwas,andwhatadarlingDorawas.IentreatedAgnesnottoregardthisasathoughtlesspassionwhichcouldeveryieldtoanyother,orhadtheleastresemblancetotheboyishfanciesthatweusedtojokeabout.Iassuredherthatitsprofunditywasquiteunfathomable,andexpressedmybeliefthatnothinglikeithadeverbeenknown.
Somehow,asIwrotetoAgnesonafineeveningbymyopenwindow,andtheremembranceofherclearcalmeyesandgentlefacecamestealingoverme,itshedsuchapeacefulinfluenceuponthehurryandagitationinwhichIhadbeenlivinglately,andofwhichmyveryhappinesspartookinsomedegree,thatitsoothedmeintotears.IrememberthatIsatrestingmyheaduponmyhand,whentheletterwashalfdone,cherishingageneralfancyasifAgneswereoneoftheelementsofmynaturalhome.Asif,intheretirementofthehousemadealmostsacredtomebyherpresence,DoraandImustbehappierthananywhere.Asif,inlove,joy,sorrow,hope,ordisappointment;inallemotions;myheartturnednaturallythere,andfounditsrefugeandbestfriend.OfSteerforthIsaidnothing.IonlytoldhertherehadbeensadgriefatYarmouth,onaccountofEmily'sflight;andthatonmeitmadeadoublewound,byreasonofthecircumstancesattendingit.Iknewhowquickshealwayswastodivinethetruth,andthatshewouldneverbethefirsttobreathehisname.Tothisletter,Ireceivedananswerbyreturnofpost.AsIreadit,IseemedtohearAgnesspeakingtome.Itwaslikehercordialvoiceinmyears.WhatcanIsaymore!
WhileIhadbeenawayfromhomelately,Traddleshadcalledtwiceorthrice.FindingPeggottywithin,andbeinginformedbyPeggotty(whoalwaysvolunteeredthatinformationtowhomsoeverwouldreceiveit),thatshewasmyoldnurse,hehadestablishedagood-humouredacquaintancewithher,andhadstayedtohavealittlechatwithheraboutme.SoPeggottysaid;butIamafraidthechatwasallonherownside,andofimmoderatelength,asshewasverydifficultindeedtostop,Godblessher!whenshehadmeforhertheme.Thisremindsme,notonlythatIexpectedTraddlesonacertainafternoonofhisownappointing,whichwasnowcome,butthatMrs.Crupphadresignedeverythingappertainingtoheroffice(thesalaryexcepted)untilPeggottyshouldceasetopresentherself.Mrs.Crupp,afterholdingdiversconversationsrespectingPeggotty,inaveryhigh-pitchedvoice,onthestaircase-withsomeinvisibleFamiliaritwouldappear,forcorporeallyspeakingshewasquitealoneatthosetimes-addressedalettertome,developingherviews.Beginningitwiththatstatementofuniversalapplication,whichfittedeveryoccurrenceofherlife,namely,thatshewasamotherherself,shewentontoinformmethatshehadonceseenverydifferentdays,butthatatallperiodsofherexistenceshehadhadaconstitutionalobjectiontospies,
intruders,andinformers.Shenamednonames,shesaid;letthemthecapfitted,wearit;butspies,intruders,andinformers,especiallyinwidders'weeds(thisclausewasunderlined),shehadeveraccustomedherselftolookdownupon.Ifagentlemanwasthevictimofspies,intruders,andinformers(butstillnamingnonames),thatwashisownpleasure.Hehadarighttopleasehimself;solethimdo.Allthatshe,Mrs.Crupp,stipulatedfor,was,thatsheshouldnotbe'broughtincontract'withsuchpersons.Thereforeshebeggedtobeexcusedfromanyfurtherattendanceonthetopset,untilthingswereastheyformerlywas,andastheycouldbewishedtobe;andfurthermentionedthatherlittlebookwouldbefounduponthebreakfast-tableeverySaturdaymorning,whensherequestedanimmediatesettlementofthesame,withthebenevolentviewofsavingtrouble'andanill-conwenience'toallparties.Afterthis,Mrs.Cruppconfinedherselftomakingpitfallsonthestairs,principallywithpitchers,andendeavouringtodeludePeggottyintobreakingherlegs.Ifounditratherharassingtoliveinthisstateofsiege,butwastoomuchafraidofMrs.Crupptoseeanywayoutofit.'MydearCopperfield,'criedTraddles,punctuallyappearingatmy
door,inspiteofalltheseobstacles,'howdoyoudo?''MydearTraddles,'saidI,'Iamdelightedtoseeyouatlast,andverysorryIhavenotbeenathomebefore.ButIhavebeensomuchengaged-''Yes,yes,Iknow,'saidTraddles,'ofcourse.YourslivesinLondon,Ithink.''Whatdidyousay?''She-excuseme-MissD.,youknow,'saidTraddles,colouringinhisgreatdelicacy,'livesinLondon,Ibelieve?''Ohyes.NearLondon.''Mine,perhapsyourecollect,'saidTraddles,withaseriouslook,'livesdowninDevonshire-oneoften.Consequently,Iamnotsomuchengagedasyou-inthatsense.''Iwonderyoucanbear,'Ireturned,'toseehersoseldom.''Hah!'saidTraddles,thoughtfully.'Itdoesseemawonder.I
supposeitis,Copperfield,becausethereisnohelpforit?''Isupposeso,'Irepliedwithasmile,andnotwithoutablush.'Andbecauseyouhavesomuchconstancyandpatience,Traddles.''Dearme!'saidTraddles,consideringaboutit,'doIstrikeyouinthatway,Copperfield?ReallyIdidn'tknowthatIhad.Butsheissuchanextraordinarilydeargirlherself,thatit'spossibleshemayhaveimpartedsomethingofthosevirtuestome.Nowyoumentionit,Copperfield,Ishouldn'twonderatall.Iassureyousheisalwaysforgettingherself,andtakingcareoftheothernine.''Isshetheeldest?'Iinquired.'Ohdear,no,'saidTraddles.'TheeldestisaBeauty.'Hesaw,Isuppose,thatIcouldnothelpsmilingatthesimplicityofthisreply;andadded,withasmileuponhisowningenuousface:'Not,ofcourse,butthatmySophy-prettyname,Copperfield,Ialwaysthink?'
'Verypretty!'saidI.'Not,ofcourse,butthatSophyisbeautifultooinmyeyes,andwouldbeoneofthedearestgirlsthateverwas,inanybody'seyes(Ishouldthink).ButwhenIsaytheeldestisaBeauty,Imeanshereallyisa-'heseemedtobedescribingcloudsabouthimself,withbothhands:'Splendid,youknow,'saidTraddles,energetically.'Indeed!'saidI.'Oh,Iassureyou,'saidTraddles,'somethingveryuncommon,indeed!Then,youknow,beingformedforsocietyandadmiration,andnotbeingabletoenjoymuchofitinconsequenceoftheirlimitedmeans,shenaturallygetsalittleirritableandexacting,sometimes.Sophyputsheringoodhumour!''IsSophytheyoungest?'Ihazarded.'Ohdear,no!'saidTraddles,strokinghischin.'Thetwoyoungestareonlynineandten.Sophyeducates'em.''Theseconddaughter,perhaps?'Ihazarded.
'No,'saidTraddles.'Sarah'sthesecond.Sarahhassomethingthematterwithherspine,poorgirl.Themaladywillwearoutbyandby,thedoctorssay,butinthemeantimeshehastoliedownforatwelvemonth.Sophynursesher.Sophy'sthefourth.''Isthemotherliving?'Iinquired.'Ohyes,'saidTraddles,'sheisalive.Sheisaverysuperiorwomanindeed,butthedampcountryisnotadaptedtoherconstitution,and-infact,shehaslosttheuseofherlimbs.''Dearme!'saidI.'Verysad,isitnot?'returnedTraddles.'Butinamerelydomesticviewitisnotsobadasitmightbe,becauseSophytakesherplace.Sheisquiteasmuchamothertohermother,assheistotheothernine.'Ifeltthegreatestadmirationforthevirtuesofthisyounglady;and,honestlywiththeviewofdoingmybesttopreventthegood-natureofTraddlesfrombeingimposedupon,tothedetrimentoftheirjointprospectsinlife,inquiredhowMr.Micawberwas?
'Heisquitewell,Copperfield,thankyou,'saidTraddles.'Iamnotlivingwithhimatpresent.''No?''No.Youseethetruthis,'saidTraddles,inawhisper,'hehadchangedhisnametoMortimer,inconsequenceofhistemporaryembarrassments;andhedon'tcomeouttillafterdark-andtheninspectacles.Therewasanexecutionputintoourhouse,forrent.Mrs.MicawberwasinsuchadreadfulstatethatIreallycouldn'tresistgivingmynametothatsecondbillwespokeofhere.Youmayimaginehowdelightfulitwastomyfeelings,Copperfield,toseethemattersettledwithit,andMrs.Micawberrecoverherspirits.''Hum!'saidI.'Notthatherhappinesswasoflongduration,'pursuedTraddles,'for,unfortunately,withinaweekanotherexecutioncamein.Itbrokeuptheestablishment.Ihavebeenlivinginafurnishedapartmentsincethen,andtheMortimershavebeenveryprivateindeed.Ihopeyouwon'tthinkitselfish,Copperfield,ifImentionthatthebrokercarriedoffmylittleroundtablewiththemarbletop,andSophy'sflower-potandstand?'
'Whatahardthing!'Iexclaimedindignantly.'Itwasa-itwasapull,'saidTraddles,withhisusualwinceatthatexpression.'Idon'tmentionitreproachfully,however,butwithamotive.Thefactis,Copperfield,Iwasunabletorepurchasethematthetimeoftheirseizure;inthefirstplace,becausethebroker,havinganideathatIwantedthem,ranthepriceuptoanextravagantextent;and,inthesecondplace,becauseI-hadn'tanymoney.Now,Ihavekeptmyeyesince,uponthebroker'sshop,'saidTraddles,withagreatenjoymentofhismystery,'whichisupatthetopofTottenhamCourtRoad,and,atlast,todayIfindthemputoutforsale.Ihaveonlynoticedthemfromovertheway,becauseifthebrokersawme,blessyou,he'daskanypriceforthem!Whathasoccurredtome,havingnowthemoney,is,thatperhapsyouwouldn'tobjecttoaskthatgoodnurseofyourstocomewithmetotheshop-Icanshowitherfromroundthecornerofthenextstreet-andmakethebestbargainforthem,asiftheywereforherself,thatshecan!'ThedelightwithwhichTraddlespropoundedthisplantome,andthesensehehadofitsuncommonartfulness,areamongthefreshestthingsinmyremembrance.
Itoldhimthatmyoldnursewouldbedelightedtoassisthim,andthatwewouldallthreetakethefieldtogether,butononecondition.Thatconditionwas,thatheshouldmakeasolemnresolutiontograntnomoreloansofhisname,oranythingelse,toMr.Micawber.'MydearCopperfield,'saidTraddles,'Ihavealreadydoneso,becauseIbegintofeelthatIhavenotonlybeeninconsiderate,butthatIhavebeenpositivelyunjusttoSophy.Mywordbeingpassedtomyself,thereisnolongeranyapprehension;butIpledgeittoyou,too,withthegreatestreadiness.Thatfirstunluckyobligation,Ihavepaid.IhavenodoubtMr.Micawberwouldhavepaiditifhecould,buthecouldnot.OnethingIoughttomention,whichIlikeverymuchinMr.Micawber,Copperfield.Itreferstothesecondobligation,whichisnotyetdue.Hedon'ttellmethatitisprovidedfor,buthesaysitWILLBE.Now,Ithinkthereissomethingveryfairandhonestaboutthat!'Iwasunwillingtodampmygoodfriend'sconfidence,andthereforeassented.Afteralittlefurtherconversation,wewentroundtothechandler'sshop,toenlistPeggotty;Traddlesdecliningtopasstheeveningwithme,bothbecauseheenduredtheliveliest
apprehensionsthathispropertywouldbeboughtbysomebodyelsebeforehecouldre-purchaseit,andbecauseitwastheeveninghealwaysdevotedtowritingtothedearestgirlintheworld.InevershallforgethimpeepingroundthecornerofthestreetinTottenhamCourtRoad,whilePeggottywasbargainingforthepreciousarticles;orhisagitationwhenshecameslowlytowardsusaftervainlyofferingaprice,andwashailedbytherelentingbroker,andwentbackagain.Theendofthenegotiationwas,thatsheboughtthepropertyontolerablyeasyterms,andTraddleswastransportedwithpleasure.'Iamverymuchobligedtoyou,indeed,'saidTraddles,onhearingitwastobesenttowherehelived,thatnight.'IfImightaskoneotherfavour,Ihopeyouwouldnotthinkitabsurd,Copperfield?'Isaidbeforehand,certainlynot.'ThenifyouWOULDbegoodenough,'saidTraddlestoPeggotty,'togettheflower-potnow,IthinkIshouldlike(itbeingSophy's,Copperfield)tocarryithomemyself!'
Peggottywasgladtogetitforhim,andheoverwhelmedherwiththanks,andwenthiswayupTottenhamCourtRoad,carryingtheflower-potaffectionatelyinhisarms,withoneofthemostdelightedexpressionsofcountenanceIeversaw.Wethenturnedbacktowardsmychambers.AstheshopshadcharmsforPeggottywhichIneverknewthempossessinthesamedegreeforanybodyelse,Isaunteredeasilyalong,amusedbyherstaringinatthewindows,andwaitingforherasoftenasshechose.WewerethusagoodwhileingettingtotheAdelphi.Onourwayupstairs,IcalledherattentiontothesuddendisappearanceofMrs.Crupp'spitfalls,andalsototheprintsofrecentfootsteps.Wewerebothverymuchsurprised,cominghigherup,tofindmyouterdoorstandingopen(whichIhadshut)andtohearvoicesinside.Welookedatoneanother,withoutknowingwhattomakeofthis,andwentintothesitting-room.Whatwasmyamazementtofind,ofallpeopleuponearth,myauntthere,andMr.Dick!Myauntsittingonaquantityofluggage,withhertwobirdsbeforeher,andhercatonherknee,likeafemaleRobinsonCrusoe,drinkingtea.Mr.Dickleaningthoughtfullyonagreatkite,suchaswehadoftenbeenout
togethertofly,withmoreluggagepiledabouthim!'Mydearaunt!'criedI.'Why,whatanunexpectedpleasure!'Wecordiallyembraced;andMr.DickandIcordiallyshookhands;andMrs.Crupp,whowasbusymakingtea,andcouldnotbetooattentive,cordiallysaidshehadknowedwellasMr.Copperfullwouldhavehisheartinhismouth,whenheseehisdearrelations.'Holloa!'saidmyaunttoPeggotty,whoquailedbeforeherawfulpresence.'HowareYOU?''Youremembermyaunt,Peggotty?'saidI.'Fortheloveofgoodness,child,'exclaimedmyaunt,'don'tcallthewomanbythatSouthSeaIslandname!Ifshemarriedandgotridofit,whichwasthebestthingshecoulddo,whydon'tyougiveherthebenefitofthechange?What'syournamenow,-P?'saidmyaunt,asacompromisefortheobnoxiousappellation.'Barkis,ma'am,'saidPeggotty,withacurtsey.'Well!That'shuman,'saidmyaunt.'Itsoundslessasifyou
wantedamissionary.Howd'yedo,Barkis?Ihopeyou'rewell?'Encouragedbythesegraciouswords,andbymyaunt'sextendingherhand,Barkiscameforward,andtookthehand,andcurtseyedheracknowledgements.'Weareolderthanwewere,Isee,'saidmyaunt.'Wehaveonlymeteachotheroncebefore,youknow.Anicebusinesswemadeofitthen!Trot,mydear,anothercup.'Ihandeditdutifullytomyaunt,whowasinherusualinflexiblestateoffigure;andventuredaremonstrancewithheronthesubjectofhersittingonabox.'Letmedrawthesofahere,ortheeasy-chair,aunt,'saidI.'Whyshouldyoubesouncomfortable?''Thankyou,Trot,'repliedmyaunt,'Iprefertosituponmyproperty.'HeremyauntlookedhardatMrs.Crupp,andobserved,'Weneedn'ttroubleyoutowait,ma'am.''ShallIputalittlemoreteainthepotaforeIgo,ma'am?'saidMrs.Crupp.
'No,Ithankyou,ma'am,'repliedmyaunt.'Wouldyouletmefetchanotherpatofbutter,ma'am?'saidMrs.Crupp.'Orwouldyoubepersuadedtotryanew-laidhegg?orshouldIbrilearasher?Ain'ttherenothingIcoulddoforyourdearaunt,Mr.Copperfull?''Nothing,ma'am,'returnedmyaunt.'Ishalldoverywell,Ithankyou.'Mrs.Crupp,whohadbeenincessantlysmilingtoexpresssweettemper,andincessantlyholdingherheadononeside,toexpressageneralfeeblenessofconstitution,andincessantlyrubbingherhands,toexpressadesiretobeofservicetoalldeservingobjects,graduallysmiledherself,one-sidedherself,andrubbedherself,outoftheroom.'Dick!'saidmyaunt.'YouknowwhatItoldyouabouttime-serversandwealth-worshippers?'Mr.Dick-withratherascaredlook,asifhehadforgottenit-returnedahastyanswerintheaffirmative.
'Mrs.Cruppisoneofthem,'saidmyaunt.'Barkis,I'lltroubleyoutolookafterthetea,andletmehaveanothercup,forIdon'tfancythatwoman'spouring-out!'Iknewmyauntsufficientlywelltoknowthatshehadsomethingofimportanceonhermind,andthattherewasfarmorematterinthisarrivalthanastrangermighthavesupposed.Inoticedhowhereyelightedonme,whenshethoughtmyattentionotherwiseoccupied;andwhatacuriousprocessofhesitationappearedtobegoingonwithinher,whileshepreservedheroutwardstiffnessandcomposure.IbegantoreflectwhetherIhaddoneanythingtooffendher;andmyconsciencewhisperedmethatIhadnotyettoldheraboutDora.Coulditbyanymeansbethat,Iwondered!AsIknewshewouldonlyspeakinherowngoodtime,Isatdownnearher,andspoketothebirds,andplayedwiththecat,andwasaseasyasIcouldbe.ButIwasveryfarfrombeingreallyeasy;andIshouldstillhavebeenso,evenifMr.Dick,leaningoverthegreatkitebehindmyaunt,hadnottakeneverysecretopportunityofshakinghisheaddarklyatme,andpointingather.'Trot,'saidmyauntatlast,whenshehadfinishedhertea,andcarefullysmootheddownherdress,andwipedherlips-'you
needn'tgo,Barkis!-Trot,haveyougottobefirmandself-reliant?''Ihopeso,aunt.''Whatdoyouthink?'inquiredMissBetsey.'Ithinkso,aunt.''Thenwhy,mylove,'saidmyaunt,lookingearnestlyatme,'whydoyouthinkIprefertosituponthispropertyofminetonight?'Ishookmyhead,unabletoguess.'Because,'saidmyaunt,'it'sallIhave.BecauseI'mruined,mydear!'Ifthehouse,andeveryoneofus,hadtumbledoutintotherivertogether,Icouldhardlyhavereceivedagreatershock.'Dickknowsit,'saidmyaunt,layingherhandcalmlyonmyshoulder.'Iamruined,mydearTrot!AllIhaveintheworldisinthisroom,exceptthecottage;andthatIhaveleftJanetto
let.Barkis,Iwanttogetabedforthisgentlemantonight.Tosaveexpense,perhapsyoucanmakeupsomethinghereformyself.Anythingwilldo.It'sonlyfortonight.We'lltalkaboutthis,more,tomorrow.'Iwasrousedfrommyamazement,andconcernforher-Iamsure,forher-byherfallingonmyneck,foramoment,andcryingthatsheonlygrievedforme.Inanothermomentshesuppressedthisemotion;andsaidwithanaspectmoretriumphantthandejected:'Wemustmeetreversesboldly,andnotsufferthemtofrightenus,mydear.Wemustlearntoacttheplayout.Wemustlivemisfortunedown,Trot!'CHAPTER35DEPRESSIONAssoonasIcouldrecovermypresenceofmind,whichquitedesertedmeinthefirstoverpoweringshockofmyaunt'sintelligence,IproposedtoMr.Dicktocomeroundtothechandler'sshop,andtakepossessionofthebedwhichMr.Peggotty
hadlatelyvacated.Thechandler'sshopbeinginHungerfordMarket,andHungerfordMarketbeingaverydifferentplaceinthosedays,therewasalowwoodencolonnadebeforethedoor(notveryunlikethatbeforethehousewherethelittlemanandwomanusedtolive,intheoldweather-glass),whichpleasedMr.Dickmightily.Thegloryoflodgingoverthisstructurewouldhavecompensatedhim,Idaresay,formanyinconveniences;but,astherewerereallyfewtobear,beyondthecompoundofflavoursIhavealreadymentioned,andperhapsthewantofalittlemoreelbow-room,hewasperfectlycharmedwithhisaccommodation.Mrs.Crupphadindignantlyassuredhimthattherewasn'troomtoswingacatthere;but,asMr.Dickjustlyobservedtome,sittingdownonthefootofthebed,nursinghisleg,'Youknow,Trotwood,Idon'twanttoswingacat.Ineverdoswingacat.Therefore,whatdoesthatsignifytoME!'ItriedtoascertainwhetherMr.Dickhadanyunderstandingofthecausesofthissuddenandgreatchangeinmyaunt'saffairs.AsImighthaveexpected,hehadnoneatall.Theonlyaccounthecouldgiveofitwas,thatmyaunthadsaidtohim,thedaybeforeyesterday,'Now,Dick,areyoureallyandtrulythephilosopherItakeyoufor?'Thatthenhehadsaid,Yes,hehopedso.Thatthenmyaunthadsaid,'Dick,Iamruined.'Thatthenhehadsaid,'Oh,
indeed!'Thatthenmyaunthadpraisedhimhighly,whichhewasgladof.Andthatthentheyhadcometome,andhadhadbottledporterandsandwichesontheroad.Mr.Dickwassoverycomplacent,sittingonthefootofthebed,nursinghisleg,andtellingmethis,withhiseyeswideopenandasurprisedsmile,thatIamsorrytosayIwasprovokedintoexplainingtohimthatruinmeantdistress,want,andstarvation;butIwassoonbitterlyreprovedforthisharshness,byseeinghisfaceturnpale,andtearscoursedownhislengthenedcheeks,whilehefixeduponmealookofsuchunutterablewoe,thatitmighthavesoftenedafarharderheartthanmine.ItookinfinitelygreaterpainstocheerhimupagainthanIhadtakentodepresshim;andIsoonunderstood(asIoughttohaveknownatfirst)thathehadbeensoconfident,merelybecauseofhisfaithinthewisestandmostwonderfulofwomen,andhisunboundedrelianceonmyintellectualresources.Thelatter,Ibelieve,heconsideredamatchforanykindofdisasternotabsolutelymortal.'Whatcanwedo,Trotwood?'saidMr.Dick.'There'stheMemorial-''Tobesurethereis,'saidI.'Butallwecandojustnow,Mr.
Dick,istokeepacheerfulcountenance,andnotletmyauntseethatwearethinkingaboutit.'Heassentedtothisinthemostearnestmanner;andimploredme,ifIshouldseehimwanderinganinchoutoftherightcourse,torecallhimbysomeofthosesuperiormethodswhichwerealwaysatmycommand.ButIregrettostatethatthefrightIhadgivenhimprovedtoomuchforhisbestattemptsatconcealment.Alltheeveninghiseyeswanderedtomyaunt'sface,withanexpressionofthemostdismalapprehension,asifhesawhergrowingthinonthespot.Hewasconsciousofthis,andputaconstraintuponhishead;buthiskeepingthatimmovable,andsittingrollinghiseyeslikeapieceofmachinery,didnotmendthematteratall.Isawhimlookattheloafatsupper(whichhappenedtobeasmallone),asifnothingelsestoodbetweenusandfamine;andwhenmyauntinsistedonhismakinghiscustomaryrepast,Idetectedhimintheactofpocketingfragmentsofhisbreadandcheese;Ihavenodoubtforthepurposeofrevivinguswiththosesavings,whenweshouldhavereachedanadvancedstageofattenuation.Myaunt,ontheotherhand,wasinacomposedframeofmind,whichwasalessontoallofus-tome,Iamsure.ShewasextremelygracioustoPeggotty,exceptwhenIinadvertentlycalledherby
thatname;and,strangeasIknewshefeltinLondon,appearedquiteathome.Shewastohavemybed,andIwastolieinthesitting-room,tokeepguardoverher.Shemadeagreatpointofbeingsoneartheriver,incaseofaconflagration;andIsupposereallydidfindsomesatisfactioninthatcircumstance.'Trot,mydear,'saidmyaunt,whenshesawmemakingpreparationsforcompoundingherusualnight-draught,'No!''Nothing,aunt?''Notwine,mydear.Ale.''Butthereiswinehere,aunt.Andyoualwayshaveitmadeofwine.''Keepthat,incaseofsickness,'saidmyaunt.'Wemustn'tuseitcarelessly,Trot.Aleforme.Halfapint.'IthoughtMr.Dickwouldhavefallen,insensible.Myauntbeingresolute,Iwentoutandgotthealemyself.Asitwasgrowinglate,PeggottyandMr.Dicktookthatopportunityofrepairingtothechandler'sshoptogether.Ipartedfromhim,poorfellow,at
thecornerofthestreet,withhisgreatkiteathisback,averymonumentofhumanmisery.MyauntwaswalkingupanddowntheroomwhenIreturned,crimpingthebordersofhernightcapwithherfingers.Iwarmedthealeandmadethetoastontheusualinfallibleprinciples.Whenitwasreadyforher,shewasreadyforit,withhernightcapon,andtheskirtofhergownturnedbackonherknees.'Mydear,'saidmyaunt,aftertakingaspoonfulofit;'it'sagreatdealbetterthanwine.Nothalfsobilious.'IsupposeIlookeddoubtful,forsheadded:'Tut,tut,child.IfnothingworsethanAlehappenstous,wearewelloff.''Ishouldthinksomyself,aunt,Iamsure,'saidI.'Well,then,whyDON'Tyouthinkso?'saidmyaunt.'BecauseyouandIareverydifferentpeople,'Ireturned.
'Stuffandnonsense,Trot!'repliedmyaunt.MYauntwentonwithaquietenjoyment,inwhichtherewasverylittleaffectation,ifany;drinkingthewarmalewithatea-spoon,andsoakingherstripsoftoastinit.'Trot,'saidshe,'Idon'tcareforstrangefacesingeneral,butIratherlikethatBarkisofyours,doyouknow!''It'sbetterthanahundredpoundstohearyousayso!'saidI.'It'samostextraordinaryworld,'observedmyaunt,rubbinghernose;'howthatwomanevergotintoitwiththatname,isunaccountabletome.ItwouldbemuchmoreeasytobebornaJackson,orsomethingofthatsort,onewouldthink.''Perhapsshethinksso,too;it'snotherfault,'saidI.'Isupposenot,'returnedmyaunt,rathergrudgingtheadmission;'butit'sveryaggravating.However,she'sBarkisnow.That'ssomecomfort.Barkisisuncommonlyfondofyou,Trot.''Thereisnothingshewouldleaveundonetoproveit,'saidI.
'Nothing,Ibelieve,'returnedmyaunt.'Here,thepoorfoolhasbeenbeggingandprayingabouthandingoversomeofhermoney-becauseshehasgottoomuchofit.Asimpleton!'Myaunt'stearsofpleasurewerepositivelytricklingdownintothewarmale.'She'sthemostridiculouscreaturethateverwasborn,'saidmyaunt.'Iknew,fromthefirstmomentwhenIsawherwiththatpoordearblessedbabyofamotherofyours,thatshewasthemostridiculousofmortals.ButtherearegoodpointsinBarkis!'Affectingtolaugh,shegotanopportunityofputtingherhandtohereyes.Havingavailedherselfofit,sheresumedhertoastandherdiscoursetogether.'Ah!Mercyuponus!'sighedmyaunt.'Iknowallaboutit,Trot!BarkisandmyselfhadquiteagossipwhileyouwereoutwithDick.Iknowallaboutit.Idon'tknowwherethesewretchedgirlsexpecttogoto,formypart.Iwondertheydon'tknockouttheirbrainsagainst-againstmantelpieces,'saidmyaunt;anideawhichwasprobablysuggestedtoherbyhercontemplationofmine.
'PoorEmily!'saidI.'Oh,don'ttalktomeaboutpoor,'returnedmyaunt.'Sheshouldhavethoughtofthat,beforeshecausedsomuchmisery!Givemeakiss,Trot.Iamsorryforyourearlyexperience.'AsIbentforward,sheputhertumbleronmykneetodetainme,andsaid:'Oh,Trot,Trot!Andsoyoufancyyourselfinlove!Doyou?''Fancy,aunt!'Iexclaimed,asredasIcouldbe.'Iadoreherwithmywholesoul!''Dora,indeed!'returnedmyaunt.'Andyoumeantosaythelittlethingisveryfascinating,Isuppose?''Mydearaunt,'Ireplied,'noonecanformtheleastideawhatsheis!''Ah!Andnotsilly?'saidmyaunt.
'Silly,aunt!'Iseriouslybelieveithadneveronceenteredmyheadforasinglemoment,toconsiderwhethershewasornot.Iresentedtheidea,ofcourse;butIwasinamannerstruckbyit,asanewonealtogether.'Notlight-headed?'saidmyaunt.'Light-headed,aunt!'IcouldonlyrepeatthisdaringspeculationwiththesamekindoffeelingwithwhichIhadrepeatedtheprecedingquestion.'Well,well!'saidmyaunt.'Ionlyask.Idon'tdepreciateher.Poorlittlecouple!Andsoyouthinkyouwereformedforoneanother,andaretogothroughaparty-supper-tablekindoflife,liketwoprettypiecesofconfectionery,doyou,Trot?'Sheaskedmethissokindly,andwithsuchagentleair,halfplayfulandhalfsorrowful,thatIwasquitetouched.'Weareyoungandinexperienced,aunt,Iknow,'Ireplied;'andIdaresaywesayandthinkagooddealthatisratherfoolish.But
weloveoneanothertruly,Iamsure.IfIthoughtDoracouldeverloveanybodyelse,orceasetoloveme;orthatIcouldeverloveanybodyelse,orceasetoloveher;Idon'tknowwhatIshoulddo-gooutofmymind,Ithink!''Ah,Trot!'saidmyaunt,shakingherhead,andsmilinggravely;'blind,blind,blind!''SomeonethatIknow,Trot,'myauntpursued,afterapause,'thoughofaverypliantdisposition,hasanearnestnessofaffectioninhimthatremindsmeofpoorBaby.EarnestnessiswhatthatSomebodymustlookfor,tosustainhimandimprovehim,Trot.Deep,downright,faithfulearnestness.''IfyouonlyknewtheearnestnessofDora,aunt!'Icried.'Oh,Trot!'shesaidagain;'blind,blind!'andwithoutknowingwhy,Ifeltavagueunhappylossorwantofsomethingovershadowmelikeacloud.'However,'saidmyaunt,'Idon'twanttoputtwoyoungcreaturesoutofconceitwiththemselves,ortomakethemunhappy;so,thoughitisagirlandboyattachment,andgirlandboyattachmentsvery
often-mind!Idon'tsayalways!-cometonothing,stillwe'llbeseriousaboutit,andhopeforaprosperousissueoneofthesedays.There'stimeenoughforittocometoanything!'Thiswasnotuponthewholeverycomfortingtoarapturouslover;butIwasgladtohavemyauntinmyconfidence,andIwasmindfulofherbeingfatigued.SoIthankedherardentlyforthismarkofheraffection,andforallherotherkindnessestowardsme;andafteratendergoodnight,shetookhernightcapintomybedroom.HowmiserableIwas,whenIlaydown!HowIthoughtandthoughtaboutmybeingpoor,inMr.Spenlow'seyes;aboutmynotbeingwhatIthoughtIwas,whenIproposedtoDora;aboutthechivalrousnecessityoftellingDorawhatmyworldlyconditionwas,andreleasingherfromherengagementifshethoughtfit;abouthowIshouldcontrivetolive,duringthelongtermofmyarticles,whenIwasearningnothing;aboutdoingsomethingtoassistmyaunt,andseeingnowayofdoinganything;aboutcomingdowntohavenomoneyinmypocket,andtowearashabbycoat,andtobeabletocarryDoranolittlepresents,andtoridenogallantgreys,andtoshowmyselfinnoagreeablelight!SordidandselfishasIknewitwas,andasItorturedmyselfbyknowingthatitwas,toletmymindrunonmyowndistresssomuch,IwassodevotedtoDorathatIcould
nothelpit.Iknewthatitwasbaseinmenottothinkmoreofmyaunt,andlessofmyself;but,sofar,selfishnesswasinseparablefromDora,andIcouldnotputDoraononesideforanymortalcreature.HowexceedinglymiserableIwas,thatnight!Astosleep,Ihaddreamsofpovertyinallsortsofshapes,butIseemedtodreamwithoutthepreviousceremonyofgoingtosleep.NowIwasragged,wantingtosellDoramatches,sixbundlesforahalfpenny;nowIwasattheofficeinanightgownandboots,remonstratedwithbyMr.Spenlowonappearingbeforetheclientsinthatairyattire;nowIwashungrilypickingupthecrumbsthatfellfromoldTiffey'sdailybiscuit,regularlyeatenwhenSt.Paul'sstruckone;nowIwashopelesslyendeavouringtogetalicencetomarryDora,havingnothingbutoneofUriahHeep'sglovestoofferinexchange,whichthewholeCommonsrejected;andstill,moreorlessconsciousofmyownroom,Iwasalwaystossingaboutlikeadistressedshipinaseaofbed-clothes.Myauntwasrestless,too,forIfrequentlyheardherwalkingtoandfro.Twoor,threetimesinthecourseofthenight,attiredinalongflannelwrapperinwhichshelookedsevenfeethigh,sheappeared,likeadisturbedghost,inmyroom,andcametothesideofthesofaonwhichIlay.OnthefirstoccasionIstartedupin
alarm,tolearnthatsheinferredfromaparticularlightinthesky,thatWestminsterAbbeywasonfire;andtobeconsultedinreferencetotheprobabilityofitsignitingBuckinghamStreet,incasethewindchanged.Lyingstill,afterthat,Ifoundthatshesatdownnearme,whisperingtoherself'Poorboy!'Andthenitmademetwentytimesmorewretched,toknowhowunselfishlymindfulshewasofme,andhowselfishlymindfulIwasofmyself.Itwasdifficulttobelievethatanightsolongtome,couldbeshorttoanybodyelse.Thisconsiderationsetmethinkingandthinkingofanimaginarypartywherepeopleweredancingthehoursaway,untilthatbecameadreamtoo,andIheardthemusicincessantlyplayingonetune,andsawDoraincessantlydancingonedance,withouttakingtheleastnoticeofme.Themanwhohadbeenplayingtheharpallnight,wastryinginvaintocoveritwithanordinary-sizednightcap,whenIawoke;orIshouldrathersay,whenIleftofftryingtogotosleep,andsawthesunshininginthroughthewindowatlast.TherewasanoldRomanbathinthosedaysatthebottomofoneofthestreetsoutoftheStrand-itmaybetherestill-inwhichIhavehadmanyacoldplunge.DressingmyselfasquietlyasIcould,andleavingPeggottytolookaftermyaunt,Itumbledhead
foremostintoit,andthenwentforawalktoHampstead.Ihadahopethatthisbrisktreatmentmightfreshenmywitsalittle;andIthinkitdidthemgood,forIsooncametotheconclusionthatthefirststepIoughttotakewas,totryifmyarticlescouldbecancelledandthepremiumrecovered.IgotsomebreakfastontheHeath,andwalkedbacktoDoctors'Commons,alongthewateredroadsandthroughapleasantsmellofsummerflowers,growingingardensandcarriedintotownonhucksters'heads,intentonthisfirstefforttomeetouralteredcircumstances.Iarrivedattheofficesosoon,afterall,thatIhadhalfanhour'sloiteringabouttheCommons,beforeoldTiffey,whowasalwaysfirst,appearedwithhiskey.ThenIsatdowninmyshadycorner,lookingupatthesunlightontheoppositechimney-pots,andthinkingaboutDora;untilMr.Spenlowcamein,crispandcurly.'Howareyou,Copperfield?'saidhe.'Finemorning!''Beautifulmorning,sir,'saidI.'CouldIsayawordtoyoubeforeyougointoCourt?'
'Byallmeans,'saidhe.'Comeintomyroom.'Ifollowedhimintohisroom,andhebeganputtingonhisgown,andtouchinghimselfupbeforealittleglasshehad,hanginginsideaclosetdoor.'Iamsorrytosay,'saidI,'thatIhavesomeratherdishearteningintelligencefrommyaunt.''No!'saidhe.'Dearme!Notparalysis,Ihope?''Ithasnoreferencetoherhealth,sir,'Ireplied.'Shehasmetwithsomelargelosses.Infact,shehasverylittleleft,indeed.''Youas-toundme,Copperfield!'criedMr.Spenlow.Ishookmyhead.'Indeed,sir,'saidI,'heraffairsaresochanged,thatIwishedtoaskyouwhetheritwouldbepossible-atasacrificeonourpartofsomeportionofthepremium,ofcourse,'Iputinthis,onthespurofthemoment,warnedbytheblankexpressionofhisface-'tocancelmyarticles?'
Whatitcostmetomakethisproposal,nobodyknows.Itwaslikeasking,asafavour,tobesentencedtotransportationfromDora.'Tocancelyourarticles,Copperfield?Cancel?'Iexplainedwithtolerablefirmness,thatIreallydidnotknowwheremymeansofsubsistenceweretocomefrom,unlessIcouldearnthemformyself.Ihadnofearforthefuture,Isaid-andIlaidgreatemphasisonthat,asiftoimplythatIshouldstillbedecidedlyeligibleforason-in-lawoneofthesedays-but,forthepresent,Iwasthrownuponmyownresources.'Iamextremelysorrytohearthis,Copperfield,'saidMr.Spenlow.'Extremelysorry.Itisnotusualtocancelarticlesforanysuchreason.Itisnotaprofessionalcourseofproceeding.Itisnotaconvenientprecedentatall.Farfromit.Atthesametime-''Youareverygood,sir,'Imurmured,anticipatingaconcession.'Notatall.Don'tmentionit,'saidMr.Spenlow.'Atthesametime,Iwasgoingtosay,ifithadbeenmylottohavemyhandsunfettered-ifIhadnotapartner-Mr.Jorkins-'Myhopesweredashedinamoment,butImadeanothereffort.
'Doyouthink,sir,'saidI,'ifIweretomentionittoMr.Jorkins-'Mr.Spenlowshookhisheaddiscouragingly.'Heavenforbid,Copperfield,'hereplied,'thatIshoulddoanymananinjustice:stillless,Mr.jorkins.ButIknowmypartner,Copperfield.Mr.jorkinsisnotamantorespondtoapropositionofthispeculiarnature.Mr.jorkinsisverydifficulttomovefromthebeatentrack.Youknowwhatheis!'IamsureIknewnothingabouthim,exceptthathehadoriginallybeenaloneinthebusiness,andnowlivedbyhimselfinahousenearMontaguSquare,whichwasfearfullyinwantofpainting;thathecameverylateofaday,andwentawayveryearly;thatheneverappearedtobeconsultedaboutanything;andthathehadadingylittleblack-holeofhisownupstairs,wherenobusinesswaseverdone,andwheretherewasayellowoldcartridge-paperpaduponhisdesk,unsoiledbyink,andreportedtobetwentyyearsofage.'Wouldyouobjecttomymentioningittohim,sir?'Iasked.'Bynomeans,'saidMr.Spenlow.'ButIhavesomeexperienceof
Mr.jorkins,Copperfield.Iwishitwereotherwise,forIshouldbehappytomeetyourviewsinanyrespect.IcannothavetheobjectiontoyourmentioningittoMr.jorkins,Copperfield,ifyouthinkitworthwhile.'Availingmyselfofthispermission,whichwasgivenwithawarmshakeofthehand,IsatthinkingaboutDora,andlookingatthesunlightstealingfromthechimney-potsdownthewalloftheoppositehouse,untilMr.jorkinscame.IthenwentuptoMr.jorkins'sroom,andevidentlyastonishedMr.jorkinsverymuchbymakingmyappearancethere.'Comein,Mr.Copperfield,'saidMr.jorkins.'Comein!'Iwentin,andsatdown;andstatedmycasetoMr.jorkinsprettymuchasIhadstatedittoMr.Spenlow.Mr.Jorkinswasnotbyanymeanstheawfulcreatureonemighthaveexpected,butalarge,mild,smooth-facedmanofsixty,whotooksomuchsnuffthattherewasatraditionintheCommonsthathelivedprincipallyonthatstimulant,havinglittleroominhissystemforanyotherarticleofdiet.'YouhavementionedthistoMr.Spenlow,Isuppose?'saidMr.
jorkins;whenhehadheardme,veryrestlessly,toanend.IansweredYes,andtoldhimthatMr.Spenlowhadintroducedhisname.'HesaidIshouldobject?'askedMr.jorkins.IwasobligedtoadmitthatMr.Spenlowhadconsidereditprobable.'Iamsorrytosay,Mr.Copperfield,Ican'tadvanceyourobject,'saidMr.jorkins,nervously.'Thefactis-butIhaveanappointmentattheBank,ifyou'llhavethegoodnesstoexcuseme.'Withthatheroseinagreathurry,andwasgoingoutoftheroom,whenImadeboldtosaythatIfeared,then,therewasnowayofarrangingthematter?'No!'saidMr.jorkins,stoppingatthedoortoshakehishead.'Oh,no!Iobject,youknow,'whichhesaidveryrapidly,andwentout.'Youmustbeaware,Mr.Copperfield,'headded,lookingrestlesslyinatthedooragain,'ifMr.Spenlowobjects-''Personally,hedoesnotobject,sir,'saidI.
'Oh!Personally!'repeatedMr.Jorkins,inanimpatientmanner.'Iassureyouthere'sanobjection,Mr.Copperfield.Hopeless!Whatyouwishtobedone,can'tbedone.I-IreallyhavegotanappointmentattheBank.'Withthathefairlyranaway;andtothebestofmyknowledge,itwasthreedaysbeforeheshowedhimselfintheCommonsagain.Beingveryanxioustoleavenostoneunturned,IwaiteduntilMr.Spenlowcamein,andthendescribedwhathadpassed;givinghimtounderstandthatIwasnothopelessofhisbeingabletosoftentheadamantinejorkins,ifhewouldundertakethetask.'Copperfield,'returnedMr.Spenlow,withagracioussmile,'youhavenotknownmypartner,Mr.jorkins,aslongasIhave.NothingisfartherfrommythoughtsthantoattributeanydegreeofartificetoMr.jorkins.ButMr.jorkinshasawayofstatinghisobjectionswhichoftendeceivespeople.No,Copperfield!'shakinghishead.'Mr.jorkinsisnottobemoved,believeme!'IwascompletelybewilderedbetweenMr.SpenlowandMr.jorkins,astowhichofthemreallywastheobjectingpartner;butIsawwithsufficientclearnessthattherewasobduracysomewhereinthefirm,
andthattherecoveryofmyaunt'sthousandpoundswasoutofthequestion.Inastateofdespondency,whichIrememberwithanythingbutsatisfaction,forIknowitstillhadtoomuchreferencetomyself(thoughalwaysinconnexionwithDora),Ilefttheoffice,andwenthomeward.Iwastryingtofamiliarizemymindwiththeworst,andtopresenttomyselfthearrangementsweshouldhavetomakeforthefutureintheirsternestaspect,whenahackney-chariotcomingafterme,andstoppingatmyveryfeet,occasionedmetolookup.Afairhandwasstretchedforthtomefromthewindow;andthefaceIhadneverseenwithoutafeelingofserenityandhappiness,fromthemomentwhenitfirstturnedbackontheoldoakstaircasewiththegreatbroadbalustrade,andwhenIassociateditssoftenedbeautywiththestained-glasswindowinthechurch,wassmilingonme.'Agnes!'Ijoyfullyexclaimed.'Oh,mydearAgnes,ofallpeopleintheworld,whatapleasuretoseeyou!''Isit,indeed?'shesaid,inhercordialvoice.'Iwanttotalktoyousomuch!'saidI.'It'ssuchalighteningofmyheart,onlytolookatyou!IfIhadhadaconjuror'scap,
thereisnooneIshouldhavewishedforbutyou!''What?'returnedAgnes.'Well!perhapsDorafirst,'Iadmitted,withablush.'Certainly,Dorafirst,Ihope,'saidAgnes,laughing.'Butyounext!'saidI.'Whereareyougoing?'Shewasgoingtomyroomstoseemyaunt.Thedaybeingveryfine,shewasgladtocomeoutofthechariot,whichsmelt(Ihadmyheadinitallthistime)likeastableputunderacucumber-frame.Idismissedthecoachman,andshetookmyarm,andwewalkedontogether.ShewaslikeHopeembodied,tome.HowdifferentIfeltinoneshortminute,havingAgnesatmyside!Myaunthadwrittenheroneoftheodd,abruptnotes-verylittlelongerthanaBanknote-towhichherepistolaryeffortswereusuallylimited.Shehadstatedthereinthatshehadfallenintoadversity,andwasleavingDoverforgood,buthadquitemadeuphermindtoit,andwassowellthatnobodyneedbeuncomfortableabouther.AgneshadcometoLondontoseemyaunt,betweenwhom
andherselftherehadbeenamutuallikingthesemanyyears:indeed,itdatedfromthetimeofmytakingupmyresidenceinMr.Wickfield'shouse.Shewasnotalone,shesaid.Herpapawaswithher-andUriahHeep.'Andnowtheyarepartners,'saidI.'Confoundhim!''Yes,'saidAgnes.'Theyhavesomebusinesshere;andItookadvantageoftheircoming,tocometoo.Youmustnotthinkmyvisitallfriendlyanddisinterested,Trotwood,for-IamafraidImaybecruellyprejudiced-Idonotliketoletpapagoawayalone,withhim.''DoesheexercisethesameinfluenceoverMr.Wickfieldstill,Agnes?'Agnesshookherhead.'Thereissuchachangeathome,'saidshe,'thatyouwouldscarcelyknowthedearoldhouse.Theylivewithusnow.''They?'saidI.'Mr.Heepandhismother.Hesleepsinyouroldroom,'saidAgnes,lookingupintomyface.
'IwishIhadtheorderingofhisdreams,'saidI.'Hewouldn'tsleeptherelong.''Ikeepmyownlittleroom,'saidAgnes,'whereIusedtolearnmylessons.Howthetimegoes!Youremember?Thelittlepanelledroomthatopensfromthedrawing-room?''Remember,Agnes?WhenIsawyou,forthefirsttime,comingoutatthedoor,withyourquaintlittlebasketofkeyshangingatyourside?''Itisjustthesame,'saidAgnes,smiling.'Iamgladyouthinkofitsopleasantly.Wewereveryhappy.''Wewere,indeed,'saidI.'Ikeepthatroomtomyselfstill;butIcannotalwaysdesertMrs.Heep,youknow.Andso,'saidAgnes,quietly,'Ifeelobligedtobearhercompany,whenImightprefertobealone.ButIhavenootherreasontocomplainofher.Ifshetiresme,sometimes,byherpraisesofherson,itisonlynaturalinamother.Heisaverygoodsontoher.'
IlookedatAgneswhenshesaidthesewords,withoutdetectinginheranyconsciousnessofUriah'sdesign.Hermildbutearnesteyesmetminewiththeirownbeautifulfrankness,andtherewasnochangeinhergentleface.'Thechiefeviloftheirpresenceinthehouse,'saidAgnes,'isthatIcannotbeasnearpapaasIcouldwish-UriahHeepbeingsomuchbetweenus-andcannotwatchoverhim,ifthatisnottooboldathingtosay,ascloselyasIwould.Butifanyfraudortreacheryispractisingagainsthim,Ihopethatsimpleloveandtruthwillbestrongintheend.Ihopethatrealloveandtrutharestrongerintheendthananyevilormisfortuneintheworld.'Acertainbrightsmile,whichIneversawonanyotherface,diedaway,evenwhileIthoughthowgooditwas,andhowfamiliarithadoncebeentome;andsheaskedme,withaquickchangeofexpression(weweredrawingverynearmystreet),ifIknewhowthereverseinmyaunt'scircumstanceshadbeenbroughtabout.Onmyreplyingno,shehadnottoldmeyet,Agnesbecamethoughtful,andIfanciedIfeltherarmtrembleinmine.Wefoundmyauntalone,inastateofsomeexcitement.A
differenceofopinionhadarisenbetweenherselfandMrs.Crupp,onanabstractquestion(theproprietyofchambersbeinginhabitedbythegentlersex);andmyaunt,utterlyindifferenttospasmsonthepartofMrs.Crupp,hadcutthedisputeshort,byinformingthatladythatshesmeltofmybrandy,andthatshewouldtroublehertowalkout.BothoftheseexpressionsMrs.Cruppconsideredactionable,andhadexpressedherintentionofbringingbeforea'BritishJudy'-meaning,itwassupposed,thebulwarkofournationalliberties.MYaunt,however,havinghadtimetocool,whilePeggottywasoutshowingMr.DickthesoldiersattheHorseGuards-andbeing,besides,greatlypleasedtoseeAgnes-ratherplumedherselfontheaffairthanotherwise,andreceiveduswithunimpairedgoodhumour.WhenAgneslaidherbonnetonthetable,andsatdownbesideher,Icouldnotbutthink,lookingonhermildeyesandherradiantforehead,hownaturalitseemedtohaveherthere;howtrustfully,althoughshewassoyoungandinexperienced,myauntconfidedinher;howstrongshewas,indeed,insimpleloveandtruth.Webegantotalkaboutmyaunt'slosses,andItoldthemwhatIhadtriedtodothatmorning.
'Whichwasinjudicious,Trot,'saidmyaunt,'butwellmeant.Youareagenerousboy-IsupposeImustsay,youngman,now-andIamproudofyou,mydear.Sofar,sogood.Now,TrotandAgnes,letuslookthecaseofBetseyTrotwoodintheface,andseehowitstands.'IobservedAgnesturnpale,asshelookedveryattentivelyatmyaunt.Myaunt,pattinghercat,lookedveryattentivelyatAgnes.'BetseyTrotwood,'saidmyaunt,whohadalwayskepthermoneymatterstoherself.'-Idon'tmeanyoursister,Trot,mydear,butmyself-hadacertainproperty.Itdon'tmatterhowmuch;enoughtoliveon.More;forshehadsavedalittle,andaddedtoit.Betseyfundedherpropertyforsometime,andthen,bytheadviceofhermanofbusiness,laiditoutonlandedsecurity.Thatdidverywell,andreturnedverygoodinterest,tillBetseywaspaidoff.IamtalkingofBetseyasifshewasaman-of-war.Well!Then,Betseyhadtolookabouther,foranewinvestment.Shethoughtshewaswiser,now,thanhermanofbusiness,whowasnotsuchagoodmanofbusinessbythistime,asheusedtobe-Iamalludingtoyourfather,Agnes-andshetookitintoherheadtolayitoutforherself.Soshetookherpigs,'saidmyaunt,
'toaforeignmarket;andaverybadmarketitturnedouttobe.First,shelostintheminingway,andthenshelostinthedivingway-fishinguptreasure,orsomesuchTomTiddlernonsense,'explainedmyaunt,rubbinghernose;'andthenshelostintheminingwayagain,and,lastofall,tosetthethingentirelytorights,shelostinthebankingway.Idon'tknowwhattheBankshareswereworthforalittlewhile,'saidmyaunt;'centpercentwasthelowestofit,Ibelieve;buttheBankwasattheotherendoftheworld,andtumbledintospace,forwhatIknow;anyhow,itfelltopieces,andneverwillandnevercanpaysixpence;andBetsey'ssixpenceswereallthere,andthere'sanendofthem.Leastsaid,soonestmended!'Myauntconcludedthisphilosophicalsummary,byfixinghereyeswithakindoftriumphonAgnes,whosecolourwasgraduallyreturning.'DearMissTrotwood,isthatallthehistory?'saidAgnes.'Ihopeit'senough,child,'saidmyaunt.'Iftherehadbeenmoremoneytolose,itwouldn'thavebeenall,Idaresay.Betseywouldhavecontrivedtothrowthataftertherest,andmakeanotherchapter,Ihavelittledoubt.Buttherewasnomoremoney,and
there'snomorestory.'Agneshadlistenedatfirstwithsuspendedbreath.Hercolourstillcameandwent,butshebreathedmorefreely.IthoughtIknewwhy.Ithoughtshehadhadsomefearthatherunhappyfathermightbeinsomewaytoblameforwhathadhappened.Myaunttookherhandinhers,andlaughed.'Isthatall?'repeatedmyaunt.'Why,yes,that'sall,except,"Andshelivedhappyeverafterwards."PerhapsImayaddthatofBetseyyet,oneofthesedays.Now,Agnes,youhaveawisehead.Sohaveyou,Trot,insomethings,thoughIcan'tcomplimentyoualways';andheremyauntshookherownatme,withanenergypeculiartoherself.'What'stobedone?Here'sthecottage,takingonetimewithanother,willproducesayseventypoundsayear.Ithinkwemaysafelyputitdownatthat.Well!-That'sallwe'vegot,'saidmyaunt;withwhomitwasanidiosyncrasy,asitiswithsomehorses,tostopveryshortwhensheappearedtobeinafairwayofgoingonforalongwhile.'Then,'saidmyaunt,afterarest,'there'sDick.He'sgoodforahundreda-year,butofcoursethatmustbeexpendedonhimself.Iwouldsoonersendhimaway,thoughIknowIamtheonlyperson
whoappreciateshim,thanhavehim,andnotspendhismoneyonhimself.HowcanTrotandIdobest,uponourmeans?Whatdoyousay,Agnes?''Isay,aunt,'Iinterposed,'thatImustdosomething!''Goforasoldier,doyoumean?'returnedmyaunt,alarmed;'orgotosea?Iwon'thearofit.Youaretobeaproctor.We'renotgoingtohaveanyknockingsontheheadinTHISfamily,ifyouplease,sir.'IwasabouttoexplainthatIwasnotdesirousofintroducingthatmodeofprovisionintothefamily,whenAgnesinquiredifmyroomswereheldforanylongterm?'Youcometothepoint,mydear,'saidmyaunt.'Theyarenottobegotridof,forsixmonthsatleast,unlesstheycouldbeunderlet,andthatIdon'tbelieve.Thelastmandiedhere.Fivepeopleoutofsixwoulddie-ofcourse-ofthatwomaninnankeenwiththeflannelpetticoat.Ihavealittlereadymoney;andIagreewithyou,thebestthingwecando,is,tolivethetermouthere,andgetabedroomhardby.'
Ithoughtitmydutytohintatthediscomfortmyauntwouldsustain,fromlivinginacontinualstateofguerillawarfarewithMrs.Crupp;butshedisposedofthatobjectionsummarilybydeclaringthat,onthefirstdemonstrationofhostilities,shewaspreparedtoastonishMrs.Cruppforthewholeremainderofhernaturallife.'Ihavebeenthinking,Trotwood,'saidAgnes,diffidently,'thatifyouhadtime-''Ihaveagooddealoftime,Agnes.Iamalwaysdisengagedafterfourorfiveo'clock,andIhavetimeearlyinthemorning.Inonewayandanother,'saidI,consciousofreddeningalittleasIthoughtofthehoursandhoursIhaddevotedtofaggingabouttown,andtoandfroupontheNorwoodRoad,'Ihaveabundanceoftime.''Iknowyouwouldnotmind,'saidAgnes,comingtome,andspeakinginalowvoice,sofullofsweetandhopefulconsiderationthatIhearitnow,'thedutiesofasecretary.''Mind,mydearAgnes?''Because,'continuedAgnes,'DoctorStronghasactedonhis
intentionofretiring,andhascometoliveinLondon;andheaskedpapa,Iknow,ifhecouldrecommendhimone.Don'tyouthinkhewouldratherhavehisfavouriteoldpupilnearhim,thananybodyelse?''DearAgnes!'saidI.'WhatshouldIdowithoutyou!Youarealwaysmygoodangel.Itoldyouso.Ineverthinkofyouinanyotherlight.'Agnesansweredwithherpleasantlaugh,thatonegoodAngel(meaningDora)wasenough;andwentontoremindmethattheDoctorhadbeenusedtooccupyhimselfinhisstudy,earlyinthemorning,andintheevening-andthatprobablymyleisurewouldsuithisrequirementsverywell.Iwasscarcelymoredelightedwiththeprospectofearningmyownbread,thanwiththehopeofearningitundermyoldmaster;inshort,actingontheadviceofAgnes,IsatdownandwrotealettertotheDoctor,statingmyobject,andappointingtocallonhimnextdayattenintheforenoon.ThisIaddressedtoHighgate-forinthatplace,somemorabletome,helived-andwentandposted,myself,withoutlosingaminute.WhereverAgneswas,someagreeabletokenofhernoiselesspresenceseemedinseparablefromtheplace.WhenIcameback,Ifoundmy
aunt'sbirdshanging,justastheyhadhungsolongintheparlourwindowofthecottage;andmyeasy-chairimitatingmyaunt'smucheasierchairinitspositionattheopenwindow;andeventheroundgreenfan,whichmyaunthadbroughtawaywithher,screwedontothewindow-sill.Iknewwhohaddoneallthis,byitsseemingtohavequietlydoneitself;andIshouldhaveknowninamomentwhohadarrangedmyneglectedbooksintheoldorderofmyschooldays,evenifIhadsupposedAgnestobemilesaway,insteadofseeingherbusywiththem,andsmilingatthedisorderintowhichtheyhadfallen.MyauntwasquitegraciousonthesubjectoftheThames(itreallydidlookverywellwiththesunuponit,thoughnotliketheseabeforethecottage),butshecouldnotrelenttowardstheLondonsmoke,which,shesaid,'pepperedeverything'.Acompleterevolution,inwhichPeggottyboreaprominentpart,wasbeingeffectedineverycornerofmyrooms,inregardofthispepper;andIwaslookingon,thinkinghowlittleevenPeggottyseemedtodowithagooddealofbustle,andhowmuchAgnesdidwithoutanybustleatall,whenaknockcameatthedoor.'Ithink,'saidAgnes,turningpale,'it'spapa.Hepromisedmethathewouldcome.'
Iopenedthedoor,andadmitted,notonlyMr.Wickfield,butUriahHeep.IhadnotseenMr.Wickfieldforsometime.Iwaspreparedforagreatchangeinhim,afterwhatIhadheardfromAgnes,buthisappearanceshockedme.Itwasnotthathelookedmanyyearsolder,thoughstilldressedwiththeoldscrupulouscleanliness;orthattherewasanunwholesomeruddinessuponhisface;orthathiseyeswerefullandbloodshot;orthattherewasanervoustremblinginhishand,thecauseofwhichIknew,andhadforsomeyearsseenatwork.Itwasnotthathehadlosthisgoodlooks,orhisoldbearingofagentleman-forthathehadnot-butthethingthatstruckmemost,was,thatwiththeevidencesofhisnativesuperioritystilluponhim,heshouldsubmithimselftothatcrawlingimpersonationofmeanness,UriahHeep.Thereversalofthetwonatures,intheirrelativepositions,Uriah'sofpowerandMr.Wickfield'sofdependence,wasasightmorepainfultomethanIcanexpress.IfIhadseenanApetakingcommandofaMan,Ishouldhardlyhavethoughtitamoredegradingspectacle.Heappearedtobeonlytooconsciousofithimself.Whenhecamein,hestoodstill;andwithhisheadbowed,asifhefeltit.
Thiswasonlyforamoment;forAgnessoftlysaidtohim,'Papa!HereisMissTrotwood-andTrotwood,whomyouhavenotseenforalongwhile!'andthenheapproached,andconstrainedlygavemyaunthishand,andshookhandsmorecordiallywithme.Inthemoment'spauseIspeakof,IsawUriah'scountenanceformitselfintoamostill-favouredsmile.Agnessawittoo,Ithink,forsheshrankfromhim.Whatmyauntsaw,ordidnotsee,Idefythescienceofphysiognomytohavemadeout,withoutherownconsent.Ibelievethereneverwasanybodywithsuchanimperturbablecountenancewhenshechose.Herfacemighthavebeenadead-wallontheoccasioninquestion,foranylightitthrewuponherthoughts;untilshebrokesilencewithherusualabruptness.'Well,Wickfield!'saidmyaunt;andhelookedupatherforthefirsttime.'IhavebeentellingyourdaughterhowwellIhavebeendisposingofmymoneyformyself,becauseIcouldn'ttrustittoyou,asyouweregrowingrustyinbusinessmatters.Wehavebeentakingcounseltogether,andgettingonverywell,allthingsconsidered.Agnesisworththewholefirm,inmyopinion.''IfImayumblymaketheremark,'saidUriahHeep,withawrithe,
'IfullyagreewithMissBetseyTrotwood,andshouldbeonlytooappyifMissAgneswasapartner.''You'reapartneryourself,youknow,'returnedmyaunt,'andthat'saboutenoughforyou,Iexpect.Howdoyoufindyourself,sir?'Inacknowledgementofthisquestion,addressedtohimwithextraordinarycurtness,Mr.Heep,uncomfortablyclutchingthebluebaghecarried,repliedthathewasprettywell,hethankedmyaunt,andhopedshewasthesame.'Andyou,Master-Ishouldsay,MisterCopperfield,'pursuedUriah.'IhopeIseeyouwell!Iamrejoicedtoseeyou,MisterCopperfield,evenunderpresentcircumstances.'Ibelievedthat;forheseemedtorelishthemverymuch.'Presentcircumstancesisnotwhatyourfriendswouldwishforyou,MisterCopperfield,butitisn'tmoneymakestheman:it's-Iamreallyunequalwithmyumblepowerstoexpresswhatitis,'saidUriah,withafawningjerk,'butitisn'tmoney!'Hereheshookhandswithme:notinthecommonway,butstandingatagooddistancefromme,andliftingmyhandupanddownlikea
pumphandle,thathewasalittleafraidof.'Andhowdoyouthinkwearelooking,MasterCopperfield,-Ishouldsay,Mister?'fawnedUriah.'Don'tyoufindMr.Wickfieldblooming,sir?Yearsdon'ttellmuchinourfirm,MasterCopperfield,exceptinraisinguptheumble,namely,motherandself-andindeveloping,'headded,asanafterthought,'thebeautiful,namely,MissAgnes.'Hejerkedhimselfabout,afterthiscompliment,insuchanintolerablemanner,thatmyaunt,whohadsatlookingstraightathim,lostallpatience.'Deucetaketheman!'saidmyaunt,sternly,'what'sheabout?Don'tbegalvanic,sir!''Iaskyourpardon,MissTrotwood,'returnedUriah;'I'mawareyou'renervous.''Goalongwithyou,sir!'saidmyaunt,anythingbutappeased.'Don'tpresumetosayso!Iamnothingofthesort.Ifyou'reaneel,sir,conductyourselflikeone.Ifyou'reaman,controlyourlimbs,sir!GoodGod!'saidmyaunt,withgreatindignation,'Iam
notgoingtobeserpentinedandcorkscrewedoutofmysenses!'Mr.Heepwasratherabashed,asmostpeoplemighthavebeen,bythisexplosion;whichderivedgreatadditionalforcefromtheindignantmannerinwhichmyauntafterwardsmovedinherchair,andshookherheadasifsheweremakingsnapsorbouncesathim.Buthesaidtomeasideinameekvoice:'Iamwellaware,MasterCopperfield,thatMissTrotwood,thoughanexcellentlady,hasaquicktemper(indeedIthinkIhadthepleasureofknowingher,whenIwasanumbleclerk,beforeyoudid,MasterCopperfield),andit'sonlynatural,Iamsure,thatitshouldbemadequickerbypresentcircumstances.Thewonderis,thatitisn'tmuchworse!Ionlycalledtosaythatiftherewasanythingwecoulddo,inpresentcircumstances,motherorself,orWickfieldandHeep,-weshouldbereallyglad.Imaygosofar?'saidUriah,withasicklysmileathispartner.'UriahHeep,'saidMr.Wickfield,inamonotonousforcedway,'isactiveinthebusiness,Trotwood.Whathesays,Iquiteconcurin.YouknowIhadanoldinterestinyou.Apartfromthat,whatUriahsaysIquiteconcurin!'
'Oh,whatarewarditis,'saidUriah,drawinguponeleg,attheriskofbringingdownuponhimselfanothervisitationfrommyaunt,'tobesotrustedin!ButIhopeIamabletodosomethingtorelievehimfromthefatiguesofbusiness,MasterCopperfield!''UriahHeepisagreatrelieftome,'saidMr.Wickfield,inthesamedullvoice.'It'saloadoffmymind,Trotwood,tohavesuchapartner.'Theredfoxmadehimsayallthis,Iknew,toexhibithimtomeinthelighthehadindicatedonthenightwhenhepoisonedmyrest.Isawthesameill-favouredsmileuponhisfaceagain,andsawhowhewatchedme.'Youarenotgoing,papa?'saidAgnes,anxiously.'WillyounotwalkbackwithTrotwoodandme?'HewouldhavelookedtoUriah,Ibelieve,beforereplying,ifthatworthyhadnotanticipatedhim.'Iambespokemyself,'saidUriah,'onbusiness;otherwiseIshouldhavebeenappytohavekeptwithmyfriends.ButIleavemypartnertorepresentthefirm.MissAgnes,everyours!Iwishyou
good-day,MasterCopperfield,andleavemyumblerespectsforMissBetseyTrotwood.'Withthosewords,heretired,kissinghisgreathand,andleeringatuslikeamask.Wesatthere,talkingaboutourpleasantoldCanterburydays,anhourortwo.Mr.Wickfield,lefttoAgnes,soonbecamemorelikehisformerself;thoughtherewasasettleddepressionuponhim,whichhenevershookoff.Forallthat,hebrightened;andhadanevidentpleasureinhearingusrecallthelittleincidentsofouroldlife,manyofwhichherememberedverywell.Hesaiditwaslikethosetimes,tobealonewithAgnesandmeagain;andhewishedtoHeaventheyhadneverchanged.IamsuretherewasaninfluenceintheplacidfaceofAgnes,andintheverytouchofherhanduponhisarm,thatdidwondersforhim.Myaunt(whowasbusynearlyallthiswhilewithPeggotty,intheinnerroom)wouldnotaccompanyustotheplacewheretheywerestaying,butinsistedonmygoing;andIwent.Wedinedtogether.Afterdinner,Agnessatbesidehim,asofold,andpouredouthiswine.Hetookwhatshegavehim,andnomore-likeachild-andweallthreesattogetheratawindowastheeveninggatheredin.
Whenitwasalmostdark,helaydownonasofa,Agnespillowinghisheadandbendingoverhimalittlewhile;andwhenshecamebacktothewindow,itwasnotsodarkbutIcouldseetearsglitteringinhereyes.IprayHeaventhatInevermayforgetthedeargirlinherloveandtruth,atthattimeofmylife;forifIshould,Imustbedrawingneartheend,andthenIwoulddesiretorememberherbest!Shefilledmyheartwithsuchgoodresolutions,strengthenedmyweaknessso,byherexample,sodirected-Iknownothow,shewastoomodestandgentletoadvisemeinmanywords-thewanderingardourandunsettledpurposewithinme,thatallthelittlegoodIhavedone,andalltheharmIhaveforborne,IsolemnlybelieveImayrefertoher.AndhowshespoketomeofDora,sittingatthewindowinthedark;listenedtomypraisesofher;praisedagain;androundthelittlefairy-figureshedsomeglimpsesofherownpurelight,thatmadeityetmorepreciousandmoreinnocenttome!Oh,Agnes,sisterofmyboyhood,ifIhadknownthen,whatIknewlongafterwards!-Therewasabeggarinthestreet,whenIwentdown;andasIturnedmyheadtowardsthewindow,thinkingofhercalmseraphiceyes,he
mademestartbymuttering,asifhewereanechoofthemorning:'Blind!Blind!Blind!'CHAPTER36ENTHUSIASMIbeganthenextdaywithanotherdiveintotheRomanbath,andthenstartedforHighgate.Iwasnotdispiritednow.Iwasnotafraidoftheshabbycoat,andhadnoyearningsaftergallantgreys.Mywholemannerofthinkingofourlatemisfortunewaschanged.WhatIhadtodo,was,toshowmyauntthatherpastgoodnesstomehadnotbeenthrownawayonaninsensible,ungratefulobject.WhatIhadtodo,was,toturnthepainfuldisciplineofmyyoungerdaystoaccount,bygoingtoworkwitharesoluteandsteadyheart.WhatIhadtodo,was,totakemywoodman'saxeinmyhand,andclearmyownwaythroughtheforestofdifficulty,bycuttingdownthetreesuntilIcametoDora.AndIwentonatamightyrate,asifitcouldbedonebywalking.WhenIfoundmyselfonthefamiliarHighgateroad,pursuingsuchadifferenterrandfromthatoldoneofpleasure,withwhichitwasassociated,itseemedasifacompletechangehadcomeonmywhole
life.Butthatdidnotdiscourageme.Withthenewlife,camenewpurpose,newintention.Greatwasthelabour;pricelessthereward.Dorawasthereward,andDoramustbewon.Igotintosuchatransport,thatIfeltquitesorrymycoatwasnotalittleshabbyalready.Iwantedtobecuttingatthosetreesintheforestofdifficulty,undercircumstancesthatshouldprovemystrength.Ihadagoodmindtoaskanoldman,inwirespectacles,whowasbreakingstonesupontheroad,tolendmehishammerforalittlewhile,andletmebegintobeatapathtoDoraoutofgranite.Istimulatedmyselfintosuchaheat,andgotsooutofbreath,thatIfeltasifIhadbeenearningIdon'tknowhowmuch.Inthisstate,IwentintoacottagethatIsawwastolet,andexamineditnarrowly,-forIfeltitnecessarytobepractical.ItwoulddoformeandDoraadmirably:withalittlefrontgardenforJiptorunaboutin,andbarkatthetradespeoplethroughtherailings,andacapitalroomupstairsformyaunt.Icameoutagain,hotterandfasterthanever,anddasheduptoHighgate,atsucharatethatIwasthereanhourtooearly;and,thoughIhadnotbeen,shouldhavebeenobligedtostrollabouttocoolmyself,beforeIwasatallpresentable.
Myfirstcare,afterputtingmyselfunderthisnecessarycourseofpreparation,wastofindtheDoctor'shouse.ItwasnotinthatpartofHighgatewhereMrs.Steerforthlived,butquiteontheoppositesideofthelittletown.WhenIhadmadethisdiscovery,Iwentback,inanattractionIcouldnotresist,toalanebyMrs.Steerforth's,andlookedoverthecornerofthegardenwall.Hisroomwasshutupclose.Theconservatorydoorswerestandingopen,andRosaDartlewaswalking,bareheaded,withaquick,impetuousstep,upanddownagravelwalkononesideofthelawn.Shegavemetheideaofsomefiercething,thatwasdraggingthelengthofitschaintoandfrouponabeatentrack,andwearingitsheartout.Icamesoftlyawayfrommyplaceofobservation,andavoidingthatpartoftheneighbourhood,andwishingIhadnotgonenearit,strolledaboutuntilitwasteno'clock.Thechurchwiththeslenderspire,thatstandsonthetopofthehillnow,wasnottherethentotellmethetime.Anoldred-brickmansion,usedasaschool,wasinitsplace;andafineoldhouseitmusthavebeentogotoschoolat,asIrecollectit.WhenIapproachedtheDoctor'scottage-aprettyoldplace,on
whichheseemedtohaveexpendedsomemoney,ifImightjudgefromtheembellishmentsandrepairsthathadthelookofbeingjustcompleted-Isawhimwalkinginthegardenattheside,gaitersandall,asifhehadneverleftoffwalkingsincethedaysofmypupilage.Hehadhisoldcompanionsabouthim,too;fortherewereplentyofhightreesintheneighbourhood,andtwoorthreerookswereonthegrass,lookingafterhim,asiftheyhadbeenwrittentoabouthimbytheCanterburyrooks,andwereobservinghimcloselyinconsequence.Knowingtheutterhopelessnessofattractinghisattentionfromthatdistance,Imadeboldtoopenthegate,andwalkafterhim,soastomeethimwhenheshouldturnround.Whenhedid,andcametowardsme,helookedatmethoughtfullyforafewmoments,evidentlywithoutthinkingaboutmeatall;andthenhisbenevolentfaceexpressedextraordinarypleasure,andhetookmebybothhands.'Why,mydearCopperfield,'saidtheDoctor,'youareaman!Howdoyoudo?Iamdelightedtoseeyou.MydearCopperfield,howverymuchyouhaveimproved!Youarequite-yes-dearme!'Ihopedhewaswell,andMrs.Strongtoo.
'Ohdear,yes!'saidtheDoctor;'Annie'squitewell,andshe'llbedelightedtoseeyou.Youwerealwaysherfavourite.Shesaidso,lastnight,whenIshowedheryourletter.And-yes,tobesure-yourecollectMr.JackMaldon,Copperfield?''Perfectly,sir.''Ofcourse,'saidtheDoctor.'Tobesure.He'sprettywell,too.''Hashecomehome,sir?'Iinquired.'FromIndia?'saidtheDoctor.'Yes.Mr.JackMaldoncouldn'tbeartheclimate,mydear.Mrs.Markleham-youhavenotforgottenMrs.Markleham?'ForgottentheOldSoldier!Andinthatshorttime!'Mrs.Markleham,'saidtheDoctor,'wasquitevexedabouthim,poorthing;sowehavegothimathomeagain;andwehaveboughthimalittlePatentplace,whichagreeswithhimmuchbetter.'IknewenoughofMr.JackMaldontosuspectfromthisaccountthat
itwasaplacewheretherewasnotmuchtodo,andwhichwasprettywellpaid.TheDoctor,walkingupanddownwithhishandonmyshoulder,andhiskindfaceturnedencouraginglytomine,wenton:'Now,mydearCopperfield,inreferencetothisproposalofyours.It'sverygratifyingandagreeabletome,Iamsure;butdon'tyouthinkyoucoulddobetter?Youachieveddistinction,youknow,whenyouwerewithus.Youarequalifiedformanygoodthings.Youhavelaidafoundationthatanyedificemayberaisedupon;andisitnotapitythatyoushoulddevotethespring-timeofyourlifetosuchapoorpursuitasIcanoffer?'Ibecameveryglowingagain,and,expressingmyselfinarhapsodicalstyle,Iamafraid,urgedmyrequeststrongly;remindingtheDoctorthatIhadalreadyaprofession.'Well,well,'saidtheDoctor,'that'strue.Certainly,yourhavingaprofession,andbeingactuallyengagedinstudyingit,makesadifference.But,mygoodyoungfriend,what'sseventypoundsayear?''Itdoublesourincome,DoctorStrong,'saidI.
'Dearme!'repliedtheDoctor.'Tothinkofthat!NotthatImeantosayit'srigidlylimitedtoseventypoundsa-year,becauseIhavealwayscontemplatedmakinganyyoungfriendImightthusemploy,apresenttoo.Undoubtedly,'saidtheDoctor,stillwalkingmeupanddownwithhishandonmyshoulder.'Ihavealwaystakenanannualpresentintoaccount.''Mydeartutor,'saidI(now,really,withoutanynonsense),'towhomIowemoreobligationsalreadythanIevercanacknowledge-''No,no,'interposedtheDoctor.'Pardonme!''IfyouwilltakesuchtimeasIhave,andthatismymorningsandevenings,andcanthinkitworthseventypoundsayear,youwilldomesuchaserviceasIcannotexpress.''Dearme!'saidtheDoctor,innocently.'Tothinkthatsolittleshouldgoforsomuch!Dear,dear!Andwhenyoucandobetter,youwill?Onyourword,now?'saidtheDoctor,-whichhehadalwaysmadeaverygraveappealtothehonourofusboys.'Onmyword,sir!'Ireturned,answeringinouroldschoolmanner.
'Thenbeitso,'saidtheDoctor,clappingmeontheshoulder,andstillkeepinghishandthere,aswestillwalkedupanddown.'AndIshallbetwentytimeshappier,sir,'saidI,withalittle-Ihopeinnocent-flattery,'ifmyemploymentistobeontheDictionary.'TheDoctorstopped,smilinglyclappedmeontheshoulderagain,andexclaimed,withatriumphmostdelightfultobehold,asifIhadpenetratedtotheprofoundestdepthsofmortalsagacity,'Mydearyoungfriend,youhavehitit.ItIStheDictionary!'Howcoulditbeanythingelse!Hispocketswereasfullofitashishead.Itwasstickingoutofhiminalldirections.Hetoldmethatsincehisretirementfromscholasticlife,hehadbeenadvancingwithitwonderfully;andthatnothingcouldsuithimbetterthantheproposedarrangementsformorningandeveningwork,asitwashiscustomtowalkaboutinthedaytimewithhisconsideringcapon.Hispaperswereinalittleconfusion,inconsequenceofMr.JackMaldonhavinglatelyprofferedhisoccasionalservicesasanamanuensis,andnotbeingaccustomedtothatoccupation;butweshouldsoonputrightwhatwasamiss,andgoonswimmingly.Afterwards,whenwewerefairlyatourwork,I
foundMr.JackMaldon'seffortsmoretroublesometomethanIhadexpected,ashehadnotconfinedhimselftomakingnumerousmistakes,buthadsketchedsomanysoldiers,andladies'heads,overtheDoctor'smanuscript,thatIoftenbecameinvolvedinlabyrinthsofobscurity.TheDoctorwasquitehappyintheprospectofourgoingtoworktogetheronthatwonderfulperformance,andwesettledtobeginnextmorningatseveno'clock.Weweretoworktwohourseverymorning,andtwoorthreehourseverynight,exceptonSaturdays,whenIwastorest.OnSundays,ofcourse,Iwastorestalso,andIconsideredtheseveryeasyterms.Ourplansbeingthusarrangedtoourmutualsatisfaction,theDoctortookmeintothehousetopresentmetoMrs.Strong,whomwefoundintheDoctor'snewstudy,dustinghisbooks,-afreedomwhichheneverpermittedanybodyelsetotakewiththosesacredfavourites.Theyhadpostponedtheirbreakfastonmyaccount,andwesatdowntotabletogether.Wehadnotbeenseatedlong,whenIsawanapproachingarrivalinMrs.Strong'sface,beforeIheardanysoundofit.Agentlemanonhorsebackcametothegate,andleadinghis
horseintothelittlecourt,withthebridleoverhisarm,asifhewerequiteathome,tiedhimtoaringintheemptycoach-housewall,andcameintothebreakfastparlour,whipinhand.ItwasMr.JackMaldon;andMr.JackMaldonwasnotatallimprovedbyIndia,Ithought.Iwasinastateofferociousvirtue,however,astoyoungmenwhowerenotcuttingdowntreesintheforestofdifficulty;andmyimpressionmustbereceivedwithdueallowance.'Mr.Jack!'saidtheDoctor.'Copperfield!'Mr.JackMaldonshookhandswithme;butnotverywarmly,Ibelieved;andwithanairoflanguidpatronage,atwhichIsecretlytookgreatumbrage.Buthislanguoraltogetherwasquiteawonderfulsight;exceptwhenheaddressedhimselftohiscousinAnnie.'Haveyoubreakfastedthismorning,Mr.Jack?'saidtheDoctor.'Ihardlyevertakebreakfast,sir,'hereplied,withhisheadthrownbackinaneasy-chair.'Ifinditboresme.''Isthereanynewstoday?'inquiredtheDoctor.'Nothingatall,sir,'repliedMr.Maldon.'There'sanaccount
aboutthepeoplebeinghungryanddiscontenteddownintheNorth,buttheyarealwaysbeinghungryanddiscontentedsomewhere.'TheDoctorlookedgrave,andsaid,asthoughhewishedtochangethesubject,'Thenthere'snonewsatall;andnonews,theysay,isgoodnews.''There'salongstatementinthepapers,sir,aboutamurder,'observedMr.Maldon.'Butsomebodyisalwaysbeingmurdered,andIdidn'treadit.'Adisplayofindifferencetoalltheactionsandpassionsofmankindwasnotsupposedtobesuchadistinguishedqualityatthattime,Ithink,asIhaveobservedittobeconsideredsince.Ihaveknownitveryfashionableindeed.Ihaveseenitdisplayedwithsuchsuccess,thatIhaveencounteredsomefineladiesandgentlemenwhomightaswellhavebeenborncaterpillars.Perhapsitimpressedmethemorethen,becauseitwasnewtome,butitcertainlydidnottendtoexaltmyopinionof,ortostrengthenmyconfidencein,Mr.JackMaldon.'IcameouttoinquirewhetherAnniewouldliketogototheoperatonight,'saidMr.Maldon,turningtoher.'It'sthelastgood
nighttherewillbe,thisseason;andthere'sasingerthere,whomshereallyoughttohear.Sheisperfectlyexquisite.Besideswhich,sheissocharminglyugly,'relapsingintolanguor.TheDoctor,everpleasedwithwhatwaslikelytopleasehisyoungwife,turnedtoherandsaid:'Youmustgo,Annie.Youmustgo.''Iwouldrathernot,'shesaidtotheDoctor.'Iprefertoremainathome.Iwouldmuchratherremainathome.'Withoutlookingathercousin,shethenaddressedme,andaskedmeaboutAgnes,andwhethersheshouldseeher,andwhethershewasnotlikelytocomethatday;andwassomuchdisturbed,thatIwonderedhoweventheDoctor,butteringhistoast,couldbeblindtowhatwassoobvious.Buthesawnothing.Hetoldher,good-naturedly,thatshewasyoungandoughttobeamusedandentertained,andmustnotallowherselftobemadedullbyadulloldfellow.Moreover,hesaid,hewantedtohearhersingallthenewsinger'ssongstohim;andhowcouldshedothatwell,unlessshewent?SotheDoctor
persistedinmakingtheengagementforher,andMr.JackMaldonwastocomebacktodinner.Thisconcluded,hewenttohisPatentplace,Isuppose;butatalleventswentawayonhishorse,lookingveryidle.Iwascurioustofindoutnextmorning,whethershehadbeen.Shehadnot,buthadsentintoLondontoputhercousinoff;andhadgoneoutintheafternoontoseeAgnes,andhadprevailedupontheDoctortogowithher;andtheyhadwalkedhomebythefields,theDoctortoldme,theeveningbeingdelightful.Iwonderedthen,whethershewouldhavegoneifAgneshadnotbeenintown,andwhetherAgneshadsomegoodinfluenceoverhertoo!Shedidnotlookveryhappy,Ithought;butitwasagoodface,oraveryfalseone.Ioftenglancedatit,forshesatinthewindowallthetimewewereatwork;andmadeourbreakfast,whichwetookbysnatchesaswewereemployed.WhenIleft,atnineo'clock,shewaskneelingonthegroundattheDoctor'sfeet,puttingonhisshoesandgaitersforhim.Therewasasoftenedshadeuponherface,thrownfromsomegreenleavesoverhangingtheopenwindowofthelowroom;andIthoughtallthewaytoDoctors'Commons,ofthenightwhenIhadseenitlookingathimasheread.
Iwasprettybusynow;upatfiveinthemorning,andhomeatnineortenatnight.ButIhadinfinitesatisfactioninbeingsocloselyengaged,andneverwalkedslowlyonanyaccount,andfeltenthusiasticallythatthemoreItiredmyself,themoreIwasdoingtodeserveDora.IhadnotrevealedmyselfinmyalteredcharactertoDorayet,becauseshewascomingtoseeMissMillsinafewdays,andIdeferredallIhadtotellheruntilthen;merelyinformingherinmyletters(allourcommunicationsweresecretlyforwardedthroughMissMills),thatIhadmuchtotellher.Inthemeantime,Iputmyselfonashortallowanceofbear'sgrease,whollyabandonedscentedsoapandlavenderwater,andsoldoffthreewaistcoatsataprodigioussacrifice,asbeingtooluxuriousformysterncareer.Notsatisfiedwithalltheseproceedings,butburningwithimpatiencetodosomethingmore,IwenttoseeTraddles,nowlodgingupbehindtheparapetofahouseinCastleStreet,Holborn.Mr.Dick,whohadbeenwithmetoHighgatetwicealready,andhadresumedhiscompanionshipwiththeDoctor,Itookwithme.ItookMr.Dickwithme,because,acutelysensitivetomyaunt'sreverses,andsincerelybelievingthatnogalley-slaveorconvictworkedasIdid,hehadbeguntofretandworryhimselfoutof
spiritsandappetite,ashavingnothingusefultodo.Inthiscondition,hefeltmoreincapableoffinishingtheMemorialthanever;andtheharderheworkedatit,theoftenerthatunluckyheadofKingCharlestheFirstgotintoit.Seriouslyapprehendingthathismaladywouldincrease,unlessweputsomeinnocentdeceptionuponhimandcausedhimtobelievethathewasuseful,orunlesswecouldputhiminthewayofbeingreallyuseful(whichwouldbebetter),ImadeupmymindtotryifTraddlescouldhelpus.Beforewewent,IwroteTraddlesafullstatementofallthathadhappened,andTraddleswrotemebackacapitalanswer,expressiveofhissympathyandfriendship.Wefoundhimhardatworkwithhisinkstandandpapers,refreshedbythesightoftheflower-potstandandthelittleroundtableinacornerofthesmallapartment.Hereceiveduscordially,andmadefriendswithMr.Dickinamoment.Mr.Dickprofessedanabsolutecertaintyofhavingseenhimbefore,andwebothsaid,'Verylikely.'ThefirstsubjectonwhichIhadtoconsultTraddleswasthis,-IhadheardthatmanymendistinguishedinvariouspursuitshadbegunlifebyreportingthedebatesinParliament.Traddleshavingmentionednewspaperstome,asoneofhishopes,Ihadputthetwo
thingstogether,andtoldTraddlesinmyletterthatIwishedtoknowhowIcouldqualifymyselfforthispursuit.Traddlesnowinformedme,astheresultofhisinquiries,thatthemeremechanicalacquisitionnecessary,exceptinrarecases,forthoroughexcellenceinit,thatistosay,aperfectandentirecommandofthemysteryofshort-handwritingandreading,wasaboutequalindifficultytothemasteryofsixlanguages;andthatitmightperhapsbeattained,bydintofperseverance,inthecourseofafewyears.Traddlesreasonablysupposedthatthiswouldsettlethebusiness;butI,onlyfeelingthathereindeedwereafewtalltreestobehewndown,immediatelyresolvedtoworkmywayontoDorathroughthisthicket,axeinhand.'Iamverymuchobligedtoyou,mydearTraddles!'saidI.'I'llbegintomorrow.'Traddleslookedastonished,ashewellmight;buthehadnonotionasyetofmyrapturouscondition.'I'llbuyabook,'saidI,'withagoodschemeofthisartinit;I'llworkatitattheCommons,whereIhaven'thalfenoughtodo;I'lltakedownthespeechesinourcourtforpractice-Traddles,mydearfellow,I'llmasterit!'
'Dearme,'saidTraddles,openinghiseyes,'Ihadnoideayouweresuchadeterminedcharacter,Copperfield!'Idon'tknowhowheshouldhavehad,foritwasnewenoughtome.Ipassedthatoff,andbroughtMr.Dickonthecarpet.'Yousee,'saidMr.Dick,wistfully,'ifIcouldexertmyself,Mr.Traddles-ifIcouldbeatadrum-orblowanything!'Poorfellow!Ihavelittledoubthewouldhavepreferredsuchanemploymentinhishearttoallothers.Traddles,whowouldnothavesmiledfortheworld,repliedcomposedly:'Butyouareaverygoodpenman,sir.Youtoldmeso,Copperfield?''Excellent!'saidI.Andindeedhewas.Hewrotewithextraordinaryneatness.'Don'tyouthink,'saidTraddles,'youcouldcopywritings,sir,ifIgotthemforyou?'Mr.Dicklookeddoubtfullyatme.'Eh,Trotwood?'
Ishookmyhead.Mr.Dickshookhis,andsighed.'TellhimabouttheMemorial,'saidMr.Dick.IexplainedtoTraddlesthattherewasadifficultyinkeepingKingCharlestheFirstoutofMr.Dick'smanuscripts;Mr.DickinthemeanwhilelookingverydeferentiallyandseriouslyatTraddles,andsuckinghisthumb.'Butthesewritings,youknow,thatIspeakof,arealreadydrawnupandfinished,'saidTraddlesafteralittleconsideration.'Mr.Dickhasnothingtodowiththem.Wouldn'tthatmakeadifference,Copperfield?Atallevents,wouldn'titbewelltotry?'Thisgaveusnewhope.TraddlesandIlayingourheadstogetherapart,whileMr.Dickanxiouslywatchedusfromhischair,weconcoctedaschemeinvirtueofwhichwegothimtoworknextday,withtriumphantsuccess.OnatablebythewindowinBuckinghamStreet,wesetouttheworkTraddlesprocuredforhim-whichwastomake,Iforgethowmanycopiesofalegaldocumentaboutsomerightofway-andonanothertablewespreadthelastunfinishedoriginalofthegreatMemorial.
OurinstructionstoMr.Dickwerethatheshouldcopyexactlywhathehadbeforehim,withouttheleastdeparturefromtheoriginal;andthatwhenhefeltitnecessarytomaketheslightestallusiontoKingCharlestheFirst,heshouldflytotheMemorial.Weexhortedhimtoberesoluteinthis,andleftmyaunttoobservehim.Myauntreportedtous,afterwards,that,atfirst,hewaslikeamanplayingthekettle-drums,andconstantlydividedhisattentionsbetweenthetwo;butthat,findingthisconfuseandfatiguehim,andhavinghiscopythere,plainlybeforehiseyes,hesoonsatatitinanorderlybusiness-likemanner,andpostponedtheMemorialtoamoreconvenienttime.Inaword,althoughwetookgreatcarethatheshouldhavenomoretodothanwasgoodforhim,andalthoughhedidnotbeginwiththebeginningofaweek,heearnedbythefollowingSaturdaynighttenshillingsandnine-pence;andnever,whileIlive,shallIforgethisgoingabouttoalltheshopsintheneighbourhoodtochangethistreasureintosixpences,orhisbringingthemtomyauntarrangedintheformofaheartuponawaiter,withtearsofjoyandprideinhiseyes.Hewaslikeoneunderthepropitiousinfluenceofacharm,fromthemomentofhisbeingusefullyemployed;andiftherewereahappymanintheworld,thatSaturdaynight,itwasthegratefulcreaturewhothoughtmyauntthemostwonderfulwomaninexistence,andmethemostwonderfulyoungman.
'Nostarvingnow,Trotwood,'saidMr.Dick,shakinghandswithmeinacorner.'I'llprovideforher,Sir!'andheflourishedhistenfingersintheair,asiftheyweretenbanks.Ihardlyknowwhichwasthebetterpleased,TraddlesorI.'Itreally,'saidTraddles,suddenly,takingaletteroutofhispocket,andgivingittome,'putMr.Micawberquiteoutofmyhead!'Theletter(Mr.Micawbernevermissedanypossibleopportunityofwritingaletter)wasaddressedtome,'BythekindnessofT.Traddles,Esquire,oftheInnerTemple.'Itranthus:-'MYDEARCOPPERFIELD,'Youmaypossiblynotbeunpreparedtoreceivetheintimationthatsomethinghasturnedup.ImayhavementionedtoyouonaformeroccasionthatIwasinexpectationofsuchanevent.'Iamabouttoestablishmyselfinoneoftheprovincialtownsofourfavouredisland(wherethesocietymaybedescribedasahappy
admixtureoftheagriculturalandtheclerical),inimmediateconnexionwithoneofthelearnedprofessions.Mrs.Micawberandouroffspringwillaccompanyme.Ourashes,atafutureperiod,willprobablybefoundcommingledinthecemeteryattachedtoavenerablepile,forwhichthespottowhichIreferhasacquiredareputation,shallIsayfromChinatoPeru?'InbiddingadieutothemodernBabylon,wherewehaveundergonemanyvicissitudes,Itrustnotignobly,Mrs.Micawberandmyselfcannotdisguisefromourmindsthatwepart,itmaybeforyearsanditmaybeforever,withanindividuallinkedbystrongassociationstothealtarofourdomesticlife.If,ontheeveofsuchadeparture,youwillaccompanyourmutualfriend,Mr.ThomasTraddles,toourpresentabode,andtherereciprocatethewishesnaturaltotheoccasion,youwillconferaBoon'On'One'Who'Is'Everyours,'WILKINSMICAWBER.'
IwasgladtofindthatMr.Micawberhadgotridofhisdustandashes,andthatsomethingreallyhadturnedupatlast.LearningfromTraddlesthattheinvitationreferredtotheeveningthenwearingaway,Iexpressedmyreadinesstodohonourtoit;andwewentofftogethertothelodgingwhichMr.MicawberoccupiedasMr.Mortimer,andwhichwassituatednearthetopoftheGray'sInnRoad.Theresourcesofthislodgingweresolimited,thatwefoundthetwins,nowsomeeightornineyearsold,reposinginaturn-upbedsteadinthefamilysitting-room,whereMr.Micawberhadprepared,inawash-hand-standjug,whathecalled'aBrew'oftheagreeablebeverageforwhichhewasfamous.Ihadthepleasure,onthisoccasion,ofrenewingtheacquaintanceofMasterMicawber,whomIfoundapromisingboyofabouttwelveorthirteen,verysubjecttothatrestlessnessoflimbwhichisnotanunfrequentphenomenoninyouthsofhisage.Ialsobecameoncemoreknowntohissister,MissMicawber,inwhom,asMr.Micawbertoldus,'hermotherrenewedheryouth,likethePhoenix'.'MydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,'yourselfandMr.Traddlesfindusonthebrinkofmigration,andwillexcuseany
littlediscomfortsincidentaltothatposition.'GlancingroundasImadeasuitablereply,Iobservedthatthefamilyeffectswerealreadypacked,andthattheamountofluggagewasbynomeansoverwhelming.IcongratulatedMrs.Micawberontheapproachingchange.'MydearMr.Copperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,'ofyourfriendlyinterestinallouraffairs,Iamwellassured.Myfamilymayconsideritbanishment,iftheyplease;butIamawifeandmother,andIneverwilldesertMr.Micawber.'Traddles,appealedtobyMrs.Micawber'seye,feelinglyacquiesced.'That,'saidMrs.Micawber,'that,atleast,ismyview,mydearMr.CopperfieldandMr.Traddles,oftheobligationwhichItookuponmyselfwhenIrepeatedtheirrevocablewords,"I,Emma,takethee,Wilkins."Ireadtheserviceoverwithaflat-candleonthepreviousnight,andtheconclusionIderivedfromitwas,thatInevercoulddesertMr.Micawber.And,'saidMrs.Micawber,'thoughitispossibleImaybemistakeninmyviewoftheceremony,Ineverwill!'
'Mydear,'saidMr.Micawber,alittleimpatiently,'Iamnotconsciousthatyouareexpectedtodoanythingofthesort.''Iamaware,mydearMr.Copperfield,'pursuedMrs.Micawber,'thatIamnowabouttocastmylotamongstrangers;andIamalsoawarethatthevariousmembersofmyfamily,towhomMr.Micawberhaswritteninthemostgentlemanlyterms,announcingthatfact,havenottakentheleastnoticeofMr.Micawber'scommunication.IndeedImaybesuperstitious,'saidMrs.Micawber,'butitappearstomethatMr.Micawberisdestinednevertoreceiveanyanswerswhatevertothegreatmajorityofthecommunicationshewrites.Imayaugur,fromthesilenceofmyfamily,thattheyobjecttotheresolutionIhavetaken;butIshouldnotallowmyselftobeswervedfromthepathofduty,Mr.Copperfield,evenbymypapaandmama,weretheystillliving.'Iexpressedmyopinionthatthiswasgoingintherightdirection.'Itmaybeasacrifice,'saidMrs.Micawber,'toimmureone's-selfinaCathedraltown;butsurely,Mr.Copperfield,ifitisasacrificeinme,itismuchmoreasacrificeinamanofMr.Micawber'sabilities.''Oh!YouaregoingtoaCathedraltown?'saidI.
Mr.Micawber,whohadbeenhelpingusall,outofthewash-hand-standjug,replied:'ToCanterbury.Infact,mydearCopperfield,Ihaveenteredintoarrangements,byvirtueofwhichIstandpledgedandcontractedtoourfriendHeep,toassistandservehiminthecapacityof-andtobe-hisconfidentialclerk.'IstaredatMr.Micawber,whogreatlyenjoyedmysurprise.'Iamboundtostatetoyou,'hesaid,withanofficialair,'thatthebusinesshabits,andtheprudentsuggestions,ofMrs.Micawber,haveinagreatmeasureconducedtothisresult.Thegauntlet,towhichMrs.Micawberreferreduponaformeroccasion,beingthrowndownintheformofanadvertisement,wastakenupbymyfriendHeep,andledtoamutualrecognition.OfmyfriendHeep,'saidMr.Micawber,'whoisamanofremarkableshrewdness,Idesiretospeakwithallpossiblerespect.MyfriendHeephasnotfixedthepositiveremunerationattoohighafigure,buthehasmadeagreatdeal,inthewayofextricationfromthepressureofpecuniarydifficulties,contingentonthevalueofmyservices;andonthevalueofthoseservicesIpinmyfaith.Suchaddressand
intelligenceasIchancetopossess,'saidMr.Micawber,boastfullydisparaginghimself,withtheoldgenteelair,'willbedevotedtomyfriendHeep'sservice.Ihavealreadysomeacquaintancewiththelaw-asadefendantoncivilprocess-andIshallimmediatelyapplymyselftotheCommentariesofoneofthemosteminentandremarkableofourEnglishjurists.IbelieveitisunnecessarytoaddthatIalludetoMr.justiceBlackstone.'Theseobservations,andindeedthegreaterpartoftheobservationsmadethatevening,wereinterruptedbyMrs.Micawber'sdiscoveringthatMasterMicawberwassittingonhisboots,orholdinghisheadonwithbotharmsasifhefeltitloose,oraccidentallykickingTraddlesunderthetable,orshufflinghisfeetoveroneanother,orproducingthematdistancesfromhimselfapparentlyoutrageoustonature,orlyingsidewayswithhishairamongthewine-glasses,ordevelopinghisrestlessnessoflimbinsomeotherformincompatiblewiththegeneralinterestsofsociety;andbyMasterMicawber'sreceivingthosediscoveriesinaresentfulspirit.Isatallthewhile,amazedbyMr.Micawber'sdisclosure,andwonderingwhatitmeant;untilMrs.Micawberresumedthethreadofthediscourse,andclaimedmyattention.'WhatIparticularlyrequestMr.Micawbertobecarefulof,is,'
saidMrs.Micawber,'thathedoesnot,mydearMr.Copperfield,inapplyinghimselftothissubordinatebranchofthelaw,placeitoutofhispowertorise,ultimately,tothetopofthetree.IamconvincedthatMr.Micawber,givinghismindtoaprofessionsoadaptedtohisfertileresources,andhisflowoflanguage,mustdistinguishhimself.Now,forexample,Mr.Traddles,'saidMrs.Micawber,assumingaprofoundair,'ajudge,orevensayaChancellor.DoesanindividualplacehimselfbeyondthepaleofthoseprefermentsbyenteringonsuchanofficeasMr.Micawberhasaccepted?''Mydear,'observedMr.Micawber-butglancinginquisitivelyatTraddles,too;'wehavetimeenoughbeforeus,fortheconsiderationofthosequestions.''Micawber,'shereturned,'no!Yourmistakeinlifeis,thatyoudonotlookforwardfarenough.Youarebound,injusticetoyourfamily,ifnottoyourself,totakeinatacomprehensiveglancetheextremestpointinthehorizontowhichyourabilitiesmayleadyou.'Mr.Micawbercoughed,anddrankhispunchwithanairofexceedingsatisfaction-stillglancingatTraddles,asifhedesiredtohave
hisopinion.'Why,theplainstateofthecase,Mrs.Micawber,'saidTraddles,mildlybreakingthetruthtoher.'Imeantherealprosaicfact,youknow-''Justso,'saidMrs.Micawber,'mydearMr.Traddles,Iwishtobeasprosaicandliteralaspossibleonasubjectofsomuchimportance.''-Is,'saidTraddles,'thatthisbranchofthelaw,evenifMr.Micawberwerearegularsolicitor-''Exactlyso,'returnedMrs.Micawber.('Wilkins,youaresquinting,andwillnotbeabletogetyoureyesback.')'-Hasnothing,'pursuedTraddles,'todowiththat.Onlyabarristeriseligibleforsuchpreferments;andMr.Micawbercouldnotbeabarrister,withoutbeingenteredataninnofcourtasastudent,forfiveyears.''DoIfollowyou?'saidMrs.Micawber,withhermostaffableairofbusiness.'DoIunderstand,mydearMr.Traddles,that,atthe
expirationofthatperiod,Mr.MicawberwouldbeeligibleasaJudgeorChancellor?''HewouldbeELIGIBLE,'returnedTraddles,withastrongemphasisonthatword.'Thankyou,'saidMrs.Micawber.'Thatisquitesufficient.Ifsuchisthecase,andMr.Micawberforfeitsnoprivilegebyenteringontheseduties,myanxietyissetatrest.Ispeak,'saidMrs.Micawber,'asafemale,necessarily;butIhavealwaysbeenofopinionthatMr.MicawberpossesseswhatIhaveheardmypapacall,whenIlivedathome,thejudicialmind;andIhopeMr.Micawberisnowenteringonafieldwherethatmindwilldevelopitself,andtakeacommandingstation.'IquitebelievethatMr.Micawbersawhimself,inhisjudicialmind'seye,onthewoolsack.Hepassedhishandcomplacentlyoverhisbaldhead,andsaidwithostentatiousresignation:'Mydear,wewillnotanticipatethedecreesoffortune.IfIamreservedtowearawig,Iamatleastprepared,externally,'inallusiontohisbaldness,'forthatdistinction.Idonot,'saidMr.Micawber,'regretmyhair,andImayhavebeendeprivedofit
foraspecificpurpose.Icannotsay.Itismyintention,mydearCopperfield,toeducatemysonfortheChurch;IwillnotdenythatIshouldbehappy,onhisaccount,toattaintoeminence.''FortheChurch?'saidI,stillpondering,betweenwhiles,onUriahHeep.'Yes,'saidMr.Micawber.'Hehasaremarkablehead-voice,andwillcommenceasachorister.OurresidenceatCanterbury,andourlocalconnexion,will,nodoubt,enablehimtotakeadvantageofanyvacancythatmayariseintheCathedralcorps.'OnlookingatMasterMicawberagain,Isawthathehadacertainexpressionofface,asifhisvoicewerebehindhiseyebrows;whereitpresentlyappearedtobe,onhissingingus(asanalternativebetweenthatandbed)'TheWood-Peckertapping'.Aftermanycomplimentsonthisperformance,wefellintosomegeneralconversation;andasIwastoofullofmydesperateintentionstokeepmyalteredcircumstancestomyself,ImadethemknowntoMr.andMrs.Micawber.Icannotexpresshowextremelydelightedtheybothwere,bytheideaofmyaunt'sbeingindifficulties;andhowcomfortableandfriendlyitmadethem.
Whenwewerenearlycometothelastroundofthepunch,IaddressedmyselftoTraddles,andremindedhimthatwemustnotseparate,withoutwishingourfriendshealth,happiness,andsuccessintheirnewcareer.IbeggedMr.Micawbertofillusbumpers,andproposedthetoastindueform:shakinghandswithhimacrossthetable,andkissingMrs.Micawber,tocommemoratethateventfuloccasion.Traddlesimitatedmeinthefirstparticular,butdidnotconsiderhimselfasufficientlyoldfriendtoventureonthesecond.'MydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,risingwithoneofhisthumbsineachofhiswaistcoatpockets,'thecompanionofmyyouth:ifImaybeallowedtheexpression-andmyesteemedfriendTraddles:ifImaybepermittedtocallhimso-willallowme,onthepartofMrs.Micawber,myself,andouroffspring,tothanktheminthewarmestandmostuncompromisingtermsfortheirgoodwishes.Itmaybeexpectedthatontheeveofamigrationwhichwillconsignustoaperfectlynewexistence,'Mr.Micawberspokeasiftheyweregoingfivehundredthousandmiles,'IshouldofferafewvaledictoryremarkstotwosuchfriendsasIseebeforeme.ButallthatIhavetosayinthisway,Ihavesaid.WhateverstationinsocietyImayattain,throughthemediumofthelearnedprofessionofwhichIamabouttobecomeanunworthymember,I
shallendeavournottodisgrace,andMrs.Micawberwillbesafetoadorn.Underthetemporarypressureofpecuniaryliabilities,contractedwithaviewtotheirimmediateliquidation,butremainingunliquidatedthroughacombinationofcircumstances,Ihavebeenunderthenecessityofassumingagarbfromwhichmynaturalinstinctsrecoil-Ialludetospectacles-andpossessingmyselfofacognomen,towhichIcanestablishnolegitimatepretensions.AllIhavetosayonthatscoreis,thatthecloudhaspassedfromthedrearyscene,andtheGodofDayisoncemorehighuponthemountaintops.OnMondaynext,onthearrivalofthefouro'clockafternooncoachatCanterbury,myfootwillbeonmynativeheath-myname,Micawber!'Mr.Micawberresumedhisseatonthecloseoftheseremarks,anddranktwoglassesofpunchingravesuccession.Hethensaidwithmuchsolemnity:'OnethingmoreIhavetodo,beforethisseparationiscomplete,andthatistoperformanactofjustice.MyfriendMr.ThomasTraddleshas,ontwoseveraloccasions,"puthisname",ifImayuseacommonexpression,tobillsofexchangeformyaccommodation.OnthefirstoccasionMr.ThomasTraddleswasleft-letmesay,inshort,inthelurch.Thefulfilmentofthesecondhasnotyet
arrived.Theamountofthefirstobligation,'hereMr.Micawbercarefullyreferredtopapers,'was,Ibelieve,twenty-three,four,nineandahalf,ofthesecond,accordingtomyentryofthattransaction,eighteen,six,two.Thesesums,united,makeatotal,ifmycalculationiscorrect,amountingtoforty-one,ten,elevenandahalf.MyfriendCopperfieldwillperhapsdomethefavourtocheckthattotal?'Ididsoandfounditcorrect.'Toleavethismetropolis,'saidMr.Micawber,'andmyfriendMr.ThomasTraddles,withoutacquittingmyselfofthepecuniarypartofthisobligation,wouldweighuponmymindtoaninsupportableextent.Ihave,therefore,preparedformyfriendMr.ThomasTraddles,andInowholdinmyhand,adocument,whichaccomplishesthedesiredobject.IbegtohandtomyfriendMr.ThomasTraddlesmyI.O.U.forforty-one,ten,elevenandahalf,andIamhappytorecovermymoraldignity,andtoknowthatIcanoncemorewalkerectbeforemyfellowman!'Withthisintroduction(whichgreatlyaffectedhim),Mr.MicawberplacedhisI.O.U.inthehandsofTraddles,andsaidhewishedhimwellineveryrelationoflife.Iampersuaded,notonlythatthis
wasquitethesametoMr.Micawberaspayingthemoney,butthatTraddleshimselfhardlyknewthedifferenceuntilhehadhadtimetothinkaboutit.Mr.Micawberwalkedsoerectbeforehisfellowman,onthestrengthofthisvirtuousaction,thathischestlookedhalfasbroadagainwhenhelightedusdownstairs.Wepartedwithgreatheartinessonbothsides;andwhenIhadseenTraddlestohisowndoor,andwasgoinghomealone,Ithought,amongtheotheroddandcontradictorythingsImusedupon,that,slipperyasMr.Micawberwas,Iwasprobablyindebtedtosomecompassionaterecollectionheretainedofmeashisboy-lodger,forneverhavingbeenaskedbyhimformoney.Icertainlyshouldnothavehadthemoralcouragetorefuseit;andIhavenodoubtheknewthat(tohiscreditbeitwritten),quiteaswellasIdid.CHAPTER37ALITTLECOLDWATERMynewlifehadlastedformorethanaweek,andIwasstrongerthaneverinthosetremendouspracticalresolutionsthatIfeltthecrisisrequired.Icontinuedtowalkextremelyfast,andtohave
ageneralideathatIwasgettingon.ImadeitaruletotakeasmuchoutofmyselfasIpossiblycould,inmywayofdoingeverythingtowhichIappliedmyenergies.Imadeaperfectvictimofmyself.Ievenentertainedsomeideaofputtingmyselfonavegetablediet,vaguelyconceivingthat,inbecomingagraminivorousanimal,IshouldsacrificetoDora.Asyet,littleDorawasquiteunconsciousofmydesperatefirmness,otherwisethanasmylettersdarklyshadoweditforth.ButanotherSaturdaycame,andonthatSaturdayeveningshewastobeatMissMills's;andwhenMr.Millshadgonetohiswhist-club(telegraphedtomeinthestreet,byabird-cageinthedrawing-roommiddlewindow),Iwastogotheretotea.Bythistime,wewerequitesettleddowninBuckinghamStreet,whereMr.Dickcontinuedhiscopyinginastateofabsolutefelicity.MyaunthadobtainedasignalvictoryoverMrs.Crupp,bypayingheroff,throwingthefirstpitchersheplantedonthestairsoutofwindow,andprotectinginperson,upanddownthestaircase,asupernumerarywhomsheengagedfromtheouterworld.ThesevigorousmeasuresstrucksuchterrortothebreastofMrs.Crupp,thatshesubsidedintoherownkitchen,undertheimpressionthatmyauntwasmad.MyauntbeingsupremelyindifferenttoMrs.
Crupp'sopinionandeverybodyelse's,andratherfavouringthandiscouragingtheidea,Mrs.Crupp,oflatethebold,becamewithinafewdayssofaint-hearted,thatratherthanencountermyauntuponthestaircase,shewouldendeavourtohideherportlyformbehinddoors-leavingvisible,however,awidemarginofflannelpetticoat-orwouldshrinkintodarkcorners.Thisgavemyauntsuchunspeakablesatisfaction,thatIbelieveshetookadelightinprowlingupanddown,withherbonnetinsanelyperchedonthetopofherhead,attimeswhenMrs.Cruppwaslikelytobeintheway.Myaunt,beinguncommonlyneatandingenious,madesomanylittleimprovementsinourdomesticarrangements,thatIseemedtobericherinsteadofpoorer.Amongtherest,sheconvertedthepantryintoadressing-roomforme;andpurchasedandembellishedabedsteadformyoccupation,whichlookedaslikeabookcaseinthedaytimeasabedsteadcould.Iwastheobjectofherconstantsolicitude;andmypoormotherherselfcouldnothavelovedmebetter,orstudiedmorehowtomakemehappy.Peggottyhadconsideredherselfhighlyprivilegedinbeingallowedtoparticipateintheselabours;and,althoughshestillretainedsomethingofheroldsentimentofaweinreferencetomyaunt,hadreceivedsomanymarksofencouragementandconfidence,thatthey
werethebestfriendspossible.Butthetimehadnowcome(IamspeakingoftheSaturdaywhenIwastotaketeaatMissMills's)whenitwasnecessaryforhertoreturnhome,andenteronthedischargeofthedutiesshehadundertakeninbehalfofHam.'Sogood-bye,Barkis,'saidmyaunt,'andtakecareofyourself!IamsureIneverthoughtIcouldbesorrytoloseyou!'ItookPeggottytothecoachofficeandsawheroff.Shecriedatparting,andconfidedherbrothertomyfriendshipasHamhaddone.Wehadheardnothingofhimsincehewentaway,thatsunnyafternoon.'Andnow,myowndearDavy,'saidPeggotty,'if,whileyou'reaprentice,youshouldwantanymoneytospend;orif,whenyou'reoutofyourtime,mydear,youshouldwantanytosetyouup(andyoumustdooneorother,orboth,mydarling);whohassuchagoodrighttoaskleavetolendityou,asmysweetgirl'sownoldstupidme!'Iwasnotsosavagelyindependentastosayanythinginreply,butthatifeverIborrowedmoneyofanyone,Iwouldborrowitofher.Nexttoacceptingalargesumonthespot,IbelievethisgavePeggottymorecomfortthananythingIcouldhavedone.
'And,mydear!'whisperedPeggotty,'telltheprettylittleangelthatIshouldsohavelikedtoseeher,onlyforaminute!Andtellherthatbeforeshemarriesmyboy,I'llcomeandmakeyourhousesobeautifulforyou,ifyou'llletme!'Ideclaredthatnobodyelseshouldtouchit;andthisgavePeggottysuchdelightthatshewentawayingoodspirits.IfatiguedmyselfasmuchasIpossiblycouldintheCommonsallday,byavarietyofdevices,andattheappointedtimeintheeveningrepairedtoMr.Mills'sstreet.Mr.Mills,whowasaterriblefellowtofallasleepafterdinner,hadnotyetgoneout,andtherewasnobird-cageinthemiddlewindow.Hekeptmewaitingsolong,thatIferventlyhopedtheClubwouldfinehimforbeinglate.Atlasthecameout;andthenIsawmyownDorahangupthebird-cage,andpeepintothebalconytolookforme,andruninagainwhenshesawIwasthere,whileJipremainedbehind,tobarkinjuriouslyatanimmensebutcher'sdoginthestreet,whocouldhavetakenhimlikeapill.Doracametothedrawing-roomdoortomeetme;andJipcame
scramblingout,tumblingoverhisowngrowls,undertheimpressionthatIwasaBandit;andweallthreewentin,ashappyandlovingascouldbe.Isooncarrieddesolationintothebosomofourjoys-notthatImeanttodoit,butthatIwassofullofthesubject-byaskingDora,withoutthesmallestpreparation,ifshecouldloveabeggar?Mypretty,little,startledDora!Heronlyassociationwiththewordwasayellowfaceandanightcap,orapairofcrutches,orawoodenleg,oradogwithadecanter-standinhismouth,orsomethingofthatkind;andshestaredatmewiththemostdelightfulwonder.'Howcanyouaskmeanythingsofoolish?'poutedDora.'Loveabeggar!''Dora,myowndearest!'saidI.'Iamabeggar!''Howcanyoubesuchasillything,'repliedDora,slappingmyhand,'astositthere,tellingsuchstories?I'llmakeJipbiteyou!'Herchildishwaywasthemostdeliciouswayintheworldtome,but
itwasnecessarytobeexplicit,andIsolemnlyrepeated:'Dora,myownlife,IamyourruinedDavid!''IdeclareI'llmakeJipbiteyou!'saidDora,shakinghercurls,'ifyouaresoridiculous.'ButIlookedsoserious,thatDoraleftoffshakinghercurls,andlaidhertremblinglittlehanduponmyshoulder,andfirstlookedscaredandanxious,thenbegantocry.Thatwasdreadful.Ifelluponmykneesbeforethesofa,caressingher,andimploringhernottorendmyheart;but,forsometime,poorlittleDoradidnothingbutexclaimOhdear!Ohdear!Andoh,shewassofrightened!AndwherewasJuliaMills!Andoh,takehertoJuliaMills,andgoaway,please!untilIwasalmostbesidemyself.Atlast,afteranagonyofsupplicationandprotestation,IgotDoratolookatme,withahorrifiedexpressionofface,whichIgraduallysootheduntilitwasonlyloving,andhersoft,prettycheekwaslyingagainstmine.ThenItoldher,withmyarmsclaspedroundher,howIlovedher,sodearly,andsodearly;howIfeltitrighttooffertoreleaseherfromherengagement,becausenowIwaspoor;howInevercouldbearit,orrecoverit,
ifIlosther;howIhadnofearsofpoverty,ifshehadnone,myarmbeingnervedandmyheartinspiredbyher;howIwasalreadyworkingwithacouragesuchasnonebutloversknew;howIhadbeguntobepractical,andlookintothefuture;howacrustwellearnedwassweeterfarthanafeastinherited;andmuchmoretothesamepurpose,whichIdeliveredinaburstofpassionateeloquencequitesurprisingtomyself,thoughIhadbeenthinkingaboutit,dayandnight,eversincemyaunthadastonishedme.'Isyourheartminestill,dearDora?'saidI,rapturously,forIknewbyherclingingtomethatitwas.'Oh,yes!'criedDora.'Oh,yes,it'sallyours.Oh,don'tbedreadful!'Idreadful!ToDora!'Don'ttalkaboutbeingpoor,andworkinghard!'saidDora,nestlingclosertome.'Oh,don't,don't!''Mydearestlove,'saidI,'thecrustwell-earned-''Oh,yes;butIdon'twanttohearanymoreaboutcrusts!'said
Dora.'AndJipmusthaveamutton-chopeverydayattwelve,orhe'lldie.'Iwascharmedwithherchildish,winningway.IfondlyexplainedtoDorathatJipshouldhavehismutton-chopwithhisaccustomedregularity.Idrewapictureofourfrugalhome,madeindependentbymylabour-sketchinginthelittlehouseIhadseenatHighgate,andmyauntinherroomupstairs.'Iamnotdreadfulnow,Dora?'saidI,tenderly.'Oh,no,no!'criedDora.'ButIhopeyourauntwillkeepinherownroomagooddeal.AndIhopeshe'snotascoldingoldthing!'IfitwerepossibleformetoloveDoramorethanever,IamsureIdid.ButIfeltshewasalittleimpracticable.Itdampedmynew-bornardour,tofindthatardoursodifficultofcommunicationtoher.Imadeanothertrial.Whenshewasquiteherselfagain,andwascurlingJip'sears,ashelayuponherlap,Ibecamegrave,andsaid:'Myown!MayImentionsomething?'
'Oh,pleasedon'tbepractical!'saidDora,coaxingly.'Becauseitfrightensmeso!''Sweetheart!'Ireturned;'thereisnothingtoalarmyouinallthis.Iwantyoutothinkofitquitedifferently.Iwanttomakeitnerveyou,andinspireyou,Dora!''Oh,butthat'ssoshocking!'criedDora.'Mylove,no.Perseveranceandstrengthofcharacterwillenableustobearmuchworsethings.''ButIhaven'tgotanystrengthatall,'saidDora,shakinghercurls.'HaveI,Jip?Oh,dokissJip,andbeagreeable!'ItwasimpossibletoresistkissingJip,whensheheldhimuptomeforthatpurpose,puttingherownbright,rosylittlemouthintokissingform,asshedirectedtheoperation,whichsheinsistedshouldbeperformedsymmetrically,onthecentreofhisnose.Ididasshebademe-rewardingmyselfafterwardsformyobedience-andshecharmedmeoutofmygravercharacterforIdon'tknowhowlong.'But,Dora,mybeloved!'saidI,atlastresumingit;'Iwasgoing
tomentionsomething.'ThejudgeofthePrerogativeCourtmighthavefalleninlovewithher,toseeherfoldherlittlehandsandholdthemup,beggingandprayingmenottobedreadfulanymore.'IndeedIamnotgoingtobe,mydarling!'Iassuredher.'But,Dora,mylove,ifyouwillsometimesthink,-notdespondingly,youknow;farfromthat!-butifyouwillsometimesthink-justtoencourageyourself-thatyouareengagedtoapoorman-''Don't,don't!Praydon't!'criedDora.'It'ssoverydreadful!''Mysoul,notatall!'saidI,cheerfully.'Ifyouwillsometimesthinkofthat,andlookaboutnowandthenatyourpapa'shousekeeping,andendeavourtoacquirealittlehabit-ofaccounts,forinstance-'PoorlittleDorareceivedthissuggestionwithsomethingthatwashalfasobandhalfascream.'-Itwouldbesousefultousafterwards,'Iwenton.'Andifyouwouldpromisemetoreadalittle-alittleCookeryBookthatI
wouldsendyou,itwouldbesoexcellentforbothofus.Forourpathinlife,myDora,'saidI,warmingwiththesubject,'isstonyandruggednow,anditrestswithustosmoothit.Wemustfightourwayonward.Wemustbebrave.Thereareobstaclestobemet,andwemustmeet,andcrushthem!'Iwasgoingonatagreatrate,withaclenchedhand,andamostenthusiasticcountenance;butitwasquiteunnecessarytoproceed.Ihadsaidenough.Ihaddoneitagain.Oh,shewassofrightened!Oh,wherewasJuliaMills!Oh,takehertoJuliaMills,andgoaway,please!Sothat,inshort,Iwasquitedistracted,andravedaboutthedrawing-room.IthoughtIhadkilledher,thistime.Isprinkledwateronherface.Iwentdownonmyknees.Ipluckedatmyhair.Idenouncedmyselfasaremorselessbruteandaruthlessbeast.Iimploredherforgiveness.Ibesoughthertolookup.IravagedMissMills'swork-boxforasmelling-bottle,andinmyagonyofmindappliedanivoryneedle-caseinstead,anddroppedalltheneedlesoverDora.IshookmyfistsatJip,whowasasfranticasmyself.Idideverywildextravagancethatcouldbedone,andwasalongwaybeyondtheendofmywitswhenMissMillscameintotheroom.
'Whohasdonethis?'exclaimedMissMills,succouringherfriend.Ireplied,'I,MissMills!Ihavedoneit!Beholdthedestroyer!'-orwordstothateffect-andhidmyfacefromthelight,inthesofacushion.AtfirstMissMillsthoughtitwasaquarrel,andthatwewerevergingontheDesertofSahara;butshesoonfoundouthowmattersstood,formydearaffectionatelittleDora,embracingher,beganexclaimingthatIwas'apoorlabourer';andthencriedforme,andembracedme,andaskedmewouldIlethergivemeallhermoneytokeep,andthenfellonMissMills'sneck,sobbingasifhertenderheartwerebroken.MissMillsmusthavebeenborntobeablessingtous.Sheascertainedfrommeinafewwordswhatitwasallabout,comfortedDora,andgraduallyconvincedherthatIwasnotalabourer-frommymannerofstatingthecaseIbelieveDoraconcludedthatIwasanavigator,andwentbalancingmyselfupanddownaplankalldaywithawheelbarrow-andsobroughtustogetherinpeace.Whenwewerequitecomposed,andDorahadgoneup-stairstoputsomerose-watertohereyes,MissMillsrangfortea.Intheensuinginterval,ItoldMissMillsthatshewasevermoremyfriend,and
thatmyheartmustceasetovibrateereIcouldforgethersympathy.IthenexpoundedtoMissMillswhatIhadendeavoured,soveryunsuccessfully,toexpoundtoDora.MissMillsreplied,ongeneralprinciples,thattheCottageofcontentwasbetterthanthePalaceofcoldsplendour,andthatwherelovewas,allwas.IsaidtoMissMillsthatthiswasverytrue,andwhoshouldknowitbetterthanI,wholovedDorawithalovethatnevermortalhadexperiencedyet?ButonMissMillsobserving,withdespondency,thatitwerewellindeedforsomeheartsifthiswereso,IexplainedthatIbeggedleavetorestricttheobservationtomortalsofthemasculinegender.IthenputittoMissMills,tosaywhethersheconsideredthattherewasorwasnotanypracticalmeritinthesuggestionIhadbeenanxioustomake,concerningtheaccounts,thehousekeeping,andtheCookeryBook?MissMills,aftersomeconsideration,thusreplied:'Mr.Copperfield,Iwillbeplainwithyou.Mentalsufferingand
trialsupply,insomenatures,theplaceofyears,andIwillbeasplainwithyouasifIwereaLadyAbbess.No.ThesuggestionisnotappropriatetoourDora.OurdearestDoraisafavouritechildofnature.Sheisathingoflight,andairiness,andjoy.Iamfreetoconfessthatifitcouldbedone,itmightbewell,but-'AndMissMillsshookherhead.IwasencouragedbythisclosingadmissiononthepartofMissMillstoaskher,whether,forDora'ssake,ifshehadanyopportunityofluringherattentiontosuchpreparationsforanearnestlife,shewouldavailherselfofit?MissMillsrepliedintheaffirmativesoreadily,thatIfurtheraskedherifshewouldtakechargeoftheCookeryBook;and,ifsheevercouldinsinuateituponDora'sacceptance,withoutfrighteningher,undertaketodomethatcrowningservice.MissMillsacceptedthistrust,too;butwasnotsanguine.AndDorareturned,lookingsuchalovelylittlecreature,thatIreallydoubtedwhethersheoughttobetroubledwithanythingsoordinary.Andshelovedmesomuch,andwassocaptivating(particularlywhenshemadeJipstandonhishindlegsfortoast,andwhenshepretendedtoholdthatnoseofhisagainstthehotteapotforpunishmentbecausehewouldn't),thatIfeltlikeasort
ofMonsterwhohadgotintoaFairy'sbower,whenIthoughtofhavingfrightenedher,andmadehercry.Afterteawehadtheguitar;andDorasangthosesamedearoldFrenchsongsabouttheimpossibilityofeveronanyaccountleavingoffdancing,Larala,Larala,untilIfeltamuchgreaterMonsterthanbefore.Wehadonlyonechecktoourpleasure,andthathappenedalittlewhilebeforeItookmyleave,when,MissMillschancingtomakesomeallusiontotomorrowmorning,Iunluckilyletoutthat,beingobligedtoexertmyselfnow,Igotupatfiveo'clock.WhetherDorahadanyideathatIwasaPrivateWatchman,Iamunabletosay;butitmadeagreatimpressiononher,andsheneitherplayednorsanganymore.ItwasstillonhermindwhenIbadeheradieu;andshesaidtome,inherprettycoaxingway-asifIwereadoll,Iusedtothink:'Nowdon'tgetupatfiveo'clock,younaughtyboy.It'ssononsensical!''Mylove,'saidI,'Ihaveworktodo.'
'Butdon'tdoit!'returnedDora.'Whyshouldyou?'Itwasimpossibletosaytothatsweetlittlesurprisedface,otherwisethanlightlyandplayfully,thatwemustworktolive.'Oh!Howridiculous!'criedDora.'Howshallwelivewithout,Dora?'saidI.'How?Anyhow!'saidDora.Sheseemedtothinkshehadquitesettledthequestion,andgavemesuchatriumphantlittlekiss,directfromherinnocentheart,thatIwouldhardlyhaveputheroutofconceitwithheranswer,forafortune.Well!Ilovedher,andIwentonlovingher,mostabsorbingly,entirely,andcompletely.Butgoingon,too,workingprettyhard,andbusilykeepingred-hotalltheironsInowhadinthefire,Iwouldsitsometimesofanight,oppositemyaunt,thinkinghowIhadfrightenedDorathattime,andhowIcouldbestmakemywaywithaguitar-casethroughtheforestofdifficulty,untilIused
tofancythatmyheadwasturningquitegrey.CHAPTER38ADISSOLUTIONOFPARTNERSHIPIdidnotallowmyresolution,withrespecttotheParliamentaryDebates,tocool.ItwasoneoftheironsIbegantoheatimmediately,andoneoftheironsIkepthot,andhammeredat,withaperseveranceImayhonestlyadmire.Iboughtanapprovedschemeofthenobleartandmysteryofstenography(whichcostmetenandsixpence);andplungedintoaseaofperplexitythatbroughtme,inafewweeks,totheconfinesofdistraction.Thechangesthatwererungupondots,whichinsuchapositionmeantsuchathing,andinsuchanotherpositionsomethingelse,entirelydifferent;thewonderfulvagariesthatwereplayedbycircles;theunaccountableconsequencesthatresultedfrommarkslikeflies'legs;thetremendouseffectsofacurveinawrongplace;notonlytroubledmywakinghours,butreappearedbeforemeinmysleep.WhenIhadgropedmyway,blindly,throughthesedifficulties,andhadmasteredthealphabet,whichwasanEgyptianTempleinitself,therethenappearedaprocessionofnewhorrors,calledarbitrary
characters;themostdespoticcharactersIhaveeverknown;whoinsisted,forinstance,thatathinglikethebeginningofacobweb,meantexpectation,andthatapen-and-inksky-rocket,stoodfordisadvantageous.WhenIhadfixedthesewretchesinmymind,Ifoundthattheyhaddriveneverythingelseoutofit;then,beginningagain,Iforgotthem;whileIwaspickingthemup,Idroppedtheotherfragmentsofthesystem;inshort,itwasalmostheart-breaking.Itmighthavebeenquiteheart-breaking,butforDora,whowasthestayandanchorofmytempest-drivenbark.Everyscratchintheschemewasagnarledoakintheforestofdifficulty,andIwentoncuttingthemdown,oneafteranother,withsuchvigour,thatinthreeorfourmonthsIwasinaconditiontomakeanexperimentononeofourcrackspeakersintheCommons.ShallIeverforgethowthecrackspeakerwalkedofffrommebeforeIbegan,andleftmyimbecilepencilstaggeringaboutthepaperasifitwereinafit!Thiswouldnotdo,itwasquiteclear.Iwasflyingtoohigh,andshouldnevergeton,so.IresortedtoTraddlesforadvice;whosuggestedthatheshoulddictatespeechestome,atapace,andwithoccasionalstoppages,adaptedtomyweakness.Verygratefulforthisfriendlyaid,Iacceptedtheproposal;andnightafter
night,almosteverynight,foralongtime,wehadasortofPrivateParliamentinBuckinghamStreet,afterIcamehomefromtheDoctor's.IshouldliketoseesuchaParliamentanywhereelse!MyauntandMr.DickrepresentedtheGovernmentortheOpposition(asthecasemightbe),andTraddles,withtheassistanceofEnfield'sSpeakers,oravolumeofparliamentaryorations,thunderedastonishinginvectivesagainstthem.Standingbythetable,withhisfingerinthepagetokeeptheplace,andhisrightarmflourishingabovehishead,Traddles,asMr.Pitt,Mr.Fox,Mr.Sheridan,Mr.Burke,LordCastlereagh,ViscountSidmouth,orMr.Canning,wouldworkhimselfintothemostviolentheats,anddeliverthemostwitheringdenunciationsoftheprofligacyandcorruptionofmyauntandMr.Dick;whileIusedtosit,atalittledistance,withmynotebookonmyknee,faggingafterhimwithallmymightandmain.TheinconsistencyandrecklessnessofTraddleswerenottobeexceededbyanyrealpolitician.Hewasforanydescriptionofpolicy,inthecompassofaweek;andnailedallsortsofcolourstoeverydenominationofmast.Myaunt,lookingverylikeanimmovableChancelloroftheExchequer,wouldoccasionallythrowinaninterruptionortwo,as'Hear!'or'No!'or'Oh!'whenthetextseemedtorequireit:whichwasalwaysasignaltoMr.Dick(a
perfectcountrygentleman)tofollowlustilywiththesamecry.ButMr.DickgottaxedwithsuchthingsinthecourseofhisParliamentarycareer,andwasmaderesponsibleforsuchawfulconsequences,thathebecameuncomfortableinhismindsometimes.Ibelieveheactuallybegantobeafraidhereallyhadbeendoingsomething,tendingtotheannihilationoftheBritishconstitution,andtheruinofthecountry.Oftenandoftenwepursuedthesedebatesuntiltheclockpointedtomidnight,andthecandleswereburningdown.Theresultofsomuchgoodpracticewas,thatbyandbyIbegantokeeppacewithTraddlesprettywell,andshouldhavebeenquitetriumphantifIhadhadtheleastideawhatmynoteswereabout.But,astoreadingthemafterIhadgotthem,ImightaswellhavecopiedtheChineseinscriptionsofanimmensecollectionoftea-chests,orthegoldencharactersonallthegreatredandgreenbottlesinthechemists'shops!Therewasnothingforit,buttoturnbackandbeginalloveragain.Itwasveryhard,butIturnedback,thoughwithaheavyheart,andbeganlaboriouslyandmethodicallytoplodoverthesametediousgroundatasnail'space;stoppingtoexamineminutelyeveryspeckintheway,onallsides,andmakingthemostdesperate
effortstoknowtheseelusivecharactersbysightwhereverImetthem.Iwasalwayspunctualattheoffice;attheDoctor'stoo:andIreallydidwork,asthecommonexpressionis,likeacart-horse.Oneday,whenIwenttotheCommonsasusual,IfoundMr.Spenlowinthedoorwaylookingextremelygrave,andtalkingtohimself.Ashewasinthehabitofcomplainingofpainsinhishead-hehadnaturallyashortthroat,andIdoseriouslybelieveheover-starchedhimself-Iwasatfirstalarmedbytheideathathewasnotquiterightinthatdirection;buthesoonrelievedmyuneasiness.Insteadofreturningmy'Goodmorning'withhisusualaffability,helookedatmeinadistant,ceremoniousmanner,andcoldlyrequestedmetoaccompanyhimtoacertaincoffee-house,which,inthosedays,hadadooropeningintotheCommons,justwithinthelittlearchwayinSt.Paul'sChurchyard.Icomplied,inaveryuncomfortablestate,andwithawarmshootingalloverme,asifmyapprehensionswerebreakingoutintobuds.WhenIallowedhimtogoonalittlebefore,onaccountofthenarrownessoftheway,Iobservedthathecarriedhisheadwithaloftyairthatwasparticularlyunpromising;andmymindmisgavemethathehadfoundoutaboutmydarlingDora.
IfIhadnotguessedthis,onthewaytothecoffee-house,IcouldhardlyhavefailedtoknowwhatwasthematterwhenIfollowedhimintoanupstairsroom,andfoundMissMurdstonethere,supportedbyabackgroundofsideboard,onwhichwereseveralinvertedtumblerssustaininglemons,andtwoofthoseextraordinaryboxes,allcornersandflutings,forstickingknivesandforksin,which,happilyformankind,arenowobsolete.MissMurdstonegavemeherchillyfinger-nails,andsatseverelyrigid.Mr.Spenlowshutthedoor,motionedmetoachair,andstoodonthehearth-ruginfrontofthefireplace.'HavethegoodnesstoshowMr.Copperfield,'saidMr.Spenlow,whatyouhaveinyourreticule,MissMurdstone.'Ibelieveitwastheoldidenticalsteel-claspedreticuleofmychildhood,thatshutuplikeabite.Compressingherlips,insympathywiththesnap,MissMurdstoneopenedit-openinghermouthalittleatthesametime-andproducedmylastlettertoDora,teemingwithexpressionsofdevotedaffection.'Ibelievethatisyourwriting,Mr.Copperfield?'saidMr.
Spenlow.Iwasveryhot,andthevoiceIheardwasveryunlikemine,whenIsaid,'Itis,sir!''IfIamnotmistaken,'saidMr.Spenlow,asMissMurdstonebroughtaparceloflettersoutofherreticule,tiedroundwiththedearestbitofblueribbon,'thosearealsofromyourpen,Mr.Copperfield?'Itookthemfromherwithamostdesolatesensation;and,glancingatsuchphrasesatthetop,as'MyeverdearestandownDora,''Mybestbelovedangel,''Myblessedoneforever,'andthelike,blusheddeeply,andinclinedmyhead.'No,thankyou!'saidMr.Spenlow,coldly,asImechanicallyofferedthembacktohim.'Iwillnotdepriveyouofthem.MissMurdstone,besogoodastoproceed!'Thatgentlecreature,afteramoment'sthoughtfulsurveyofthecarpet,deliveredherselfwithmuchdryunctionasfollows.'ImustconfesstohavingentertainedmysuspicionsofMiss
Spenlow,inreferencetoDavidCopperfield,forsometime.IobservedMissSpenlowandDavidCopperfield,whentheyfirstmet;andtheimpressionmadeuponmethenwasnotagreeable.Thedepravityofthehumanheartissuch-''Youwillobligeme,ma'am,'interruptedMr.Spenlow,'byconfiningyourselftofacts.'MissMurdstonecastdownhereyes,shookherheadasifprotestingagainstthisunseemlyinterruption,andwithfrowningdignityresumed:'SinceIamtoconfinemyselftofacts,IwillstatethemasdrylyasIcan.Perhapsthatwillbeconsideredanacceptablecourseofproceeding.Ihavealreadysaid,sir,thatIhavehadmysuspicionsofMissSpenlow,inreferencetoDavidCopperfield,forsometime.Ihavefrequentlyendeavouredtofinddecisivecorroborationofthosesuspicions,butwithouteffect.IhavethereforeforbornetomentionthemtoMissSpenlow'sfather';lookingseverelyathim-'knowinghowlittledispositionthereusuallyisinsuchcases,toacknowledgetheconscientiousdischargeofduty.'
Mr.SpenlowseemedquitecowedbythegentlemanlysternnessofMissMurdstone'smanner,anddeprecatedherseveritywithaconciliatorylittlewaveofhishand.'OnmyreturntoNorwood,aftertheperiodofabsenceoccasionedbymybrother'smarriage,'pursuedMissMurdstoneinadisdainfulvoice,'andonthereturnofMissSpenlowfromhervisittoherfriendMissMills,IimaginedthatthemannerofMissSpenlowgavemegreateroccasionforsuspicionthanbefore.ThereforeIwatchedMissSpenlowclosely.'Dear,tenderlittleDora,sounconsciousofthisDragon'seye!'Still,'resumedMissMurdstone,'Ifoundnoproofuntillastnight.ItappearedtomethatMissSpenlowreceivedtoomanylettersfromherfriendMissMills;butMissMillsbeingherfriendwithherfather'sfullconcurrence,'anothertellingblowatMr.Spenlow,'itwasnotformetointerfere.IfImaynotbepermittedtoalludetothenaturaldepravityofthehumanheart,atleastImay-Imust-bepermitted,sofartorefertomisplacedconfidence.'Mr.Spenlowapologeticallymurmuredhisassent.
'Lasteveningaftertea,'pursuedMissMurdstone,'Iobservedthelittledogstarting,rolling,andgrowlingaboutthedrawing-room,worryingsomething.IsaidtoMissSpenlow,"Dora,whatisthatthedoghasinhismouth?It'spaper."MissSpenlowimmediatelyputherhandtoherfrock,gaveasuddencry,andrantothedog.Iinterposed,andsaid,"Dora,mylove,youmustpermitme."'OhJip,miserableSpaniel,thiswretchedness,then,wasyourwork!'MissSpenlowendeavoured,'saidMissMurdstone,'tobribemewithkisses,work-boxes,andsmallarticlesofjewellery-that,ofcourse,Ipassover.Thelittledogretreatedunderthesofaonmyapproachinghim,andwaswithgreatdifficultydislodgedbythefire-irons.Evenwhendislodged,hestillkepttheletterinhismouth;andonmyendeavouringtotakeitfromhim,attheimminentriskofbeingbitten,hekeptitbetweenhisteethsopertinaciouslyastosufferhimselftobeheldsuspendedintheairbymeansofthedocument.AtlengthIobtainedpossessionofit.Afterperusingit,ItaxedMissSpenlowwithhavingmanysuchlettersinherpossession;andultimatelyobtainedfromherthepacketwhichisnowinDavidCopperfield'shand.'
Heresheceased;andsnappingherreticuleagain,andshuttinghermouth,lookedasifshemightbebroken,butcouldneverbebent.'YouhaveheardMissMurdstone,'saidMr.Spenlow,turningtome.'Ibegtoask,Mr.Copperfield,ifyouhaveanythingtosayinreply?'ThepictureIhadbeforeme,ofthebeautifullittletreasureofmyheart,sobbingandcryingallnight-ofherbeingalone,frightened,andwretched,then-ofherhavingsopiteouslybeggedandprayedthatstony-heartedwomantoforgiveher-ofherhavingvainlyofferedherthosekisses,work-boxes,andtrinkets-ofherbeinginsuchgrievousdistress,andallforme-verymuchimpairedthelittledignityIhadbeenabletomuster.IamafraidIwasinatremulousstateforaminuteorso,thoughIdidmybesttodisguiseit.'ThereisnothingIcansay,sir,'Ireturned,'exceptthatalltheblameismine.Dora-''MissSpenlow,ifyouplease,'saidherfather,majestically.'-wasinducedandpersuadedbyme,'Iwenton,swallowingthat
colderdesignation,'toconsenttothisconcealment,andIbitterlyregretit.''Youareverymuchtoblame,sir,'saidMr.Spenlow,walkingtoandfrouponthehearth-rug,andemphasizingwhathesaidwithhiswholebodyinsteadofhishead,onaccountofthestiffnessofhiscravatandspine.'Youhavedoneastealthyandunbecomingaction,Mr.Copperfield.WhenItakeagentlemantomyhouse,nomatterwhetherheisnineteen,twenty-nine,orninety,Itakehimthereinaspiritofconfidence.Ifheabusesmyconfidence,hecommitsadishonourableaction,Mr.Copperfield.''Ifeelit,sir,Iassureyou,'Ireturned.'ButIneverthoughtso,before.Sincerely,honestly,indeed,Mr.Spenlow,Ineverthoughtso,before.IloveMissSpenlowtothatextent-''Pooh!nonsense!'saidMr.Spenlow,reddening.'Praydon'ttellmetomyfacethatyoulovemydaughter,Mr.Copperfield!''CouldIdefendmyconductifIdidnot,sir?'Ireturned,withallhumility.'Canyoudefendyourconductifyoudo,sir?'saidMr.Spenlow,
stoppingshortuponthehearth-rug.'Haveyouconsideredyouryears,andmydaughter'syears,Mr.Copperfield?Haveyouconsideredwhatitistounderminetheconfidencethatshouldsubsistbetweenmydaughterandmyself?Haveyouconsideredmydaughter'sstationinlife,theprojectsImaycontemplateforheradvancement,thetestamentaryintentionsImayhavewithreferencetoher?Haveyouconsideredanything,Mr.Copperfield?''Verylittle,sir,Iamafraid;'Ianswered,speakingtohimasrespectfullyandsorrowfullyasIfelt;'butpraybelieveme,Ihaveconsideredmyownworldlyposition.WhenIexplainedittoyou,wewerealreadyengaged-''IBEG,'saidMr.Spenlow,morelikePunchthanIhadeverseenhim,asheenergeticallystruckonehandupontheother-Icouldnothelpnoticingthateveninmydespair;'thatYOUWillNOTtalktomeofengagements,Mr.Copperfield!'TheotherwiseimmovableMissMurdstonelaughedcontemptuouslyinoneshortsyllable.'WhenIexplainedmyalteredpositiontoyou,sir,'Ibeganagain,substitutinganewformofexpressionforwhatwassounpalatable
tohim,'thisconcealment,intowhichIamsounhappyastohaveledMissSpenlow,hadbegun.SinceIhavebeeninthatalteredposition,Ihavestrainedeverynerve,Ihaveexertedeveryenergy,toimproveit.IamsureIshallimproveitintime.Willyougrantmetime-anylengthoftime?Wearebothsoyoung,sir,-''Youareright,'interruptedMr.Spenlow,noddinghisheadagreatmanytimes,andfrowningverymuch,'youarebothveryyoung.It'sallnonsense.Lettherebeanendofthenonsense.Takeawaythoseletters,andthrowtheminthefire.GivemeMissSpenlow'sletterstothrowinthefire;andalthoughourfutureintercoursemust,youareaware,berestrictedtotheCommonshere,wewillagreetomakenofurthermentionofthepast.Come,Mr.Copperfield,youdon'twantsense;andthisisthesensiblecourse.'No.Icouldn'tthinkofagreeingtoit.Iwasverysorry,buttherewasahigherconsiderationthansense.Lovewasaboveallearthlyconsiderations,andIlovedDoratoidolatry,andDoralovedme.Ididn'texactlysayso;IsofteneditdownasmuchasIcould;butIimpliedit,andIwasresoluteuponit.Idon'tthinkImademyselfveryridiculous,butIknowIwasresolute.
'Verywell,Mr.Copperfield,'saidMr.Spenlow,'Imusttrymyinfluencewithmydaughter.'MissMurdstone,byanexpressivesound,alongdrawnrespiration,whichwasneitherasighnoramoan,butwaslikeboth,gaveitasheropinionthatheshouldhavedonethisatfirst.'Imusttry,'saidMr.Spenlow,confirmedbythissupport,'myinfluencewithmydaughter.Doyoudeclinetotakethoseletters,Mr.Copperfield?'ForIhadlaidthemonthetable.Yes.ItoldhimIhopedhewouldnotthinkitwrong,butIcouldn'tpossiblytakethemfromMissMurdstone.'Norfromme?'saidMr.Spenlow.No,Irepliedwiththeprofoundestrespect;norfromhim.'Verywell!'saidMr.Spenlow.Asilencesucceeding,Iwasundecidedwhethertogoorstay.AtlengthIwasmovingquietlytowardsthedoor,withtheintentionofsayingthatperhapsIshouldconsulthisfeelingsbestby
withdrawing:whenhesaid,withhishandsinhiscoatpockets,intowhichitwasasmuchashecoulddotogetthem;andwithwhatIshouldcall,uponthewhole,adecidedlypiousair:'Youareprobablyaware,Mr.Copperfield,thatIamnotaltogetherdestituteofworldlypossessions,andthatmydaughterismynearestanddearestrelative?'Ihurriedlymadehimareplytotheeffect,thatIhopedtheerrorintowhichIhadbeenbetrayedbythedesperatenatureofmylove,didnotinducehimtothinkmemercenarytoo?'Idon'talludetothematterinthatlight,'saidMr.Spenlow.'Itwouldbebetterforyourself,andallofus,ifyouWEREmercenary,Mr.Copperfield-Imean,ifyouweremorediscreetandlessinfluencedbyallthisyouthfulnonsense.No.Imerelysay,withquiteanotherview,youareprobablyawareIhavesomepropertytobequeathtomychild?'Icertainlysupposedso.'Andyoucanhardlythink,'saidMr.Spenlow,'havingexperienceofwhatwesee,intheCommonshere,everyday,ofthevarious
unaccountableandnegligentproceedingsofmen,inrespectoftheirtestamentaryarrangements-ofallsubjects,theoneonwhichperhapsthestrangestrevelationsofhumaninconsistencyaretobemetwith-butthatminearemade?'Iinclinedmyheadinacquiescence.'Ishouldnotallow,'saidMr.Spenlow,withanevidentincreaseofpioussentiment,andslowlyshakinghisheadashepoisedhimselfuponhistoesandheelsalternately,'mysuitableprovisionformychildtobeinfluencedbyapieceofyouthfulfollylikethepresent.Itismerefolly.Merenonsense.Inalittlewhile,itwillweighlighterthananyfeather.ButImight-Imight-ifthissillybusinesswerenotcompletelyrelinquishedaltogether,beinducedinsomeanxiousmomenttoguardherfrom,andsurroundherwithprotectionsagainst,theconsequencesofanyfoolishstepinthewayofmarriage.Now,Mr.Copperfield,Ihopethatyouwillnotrenderitnecessaryformetoopen,evenforaquarterofanhour,thatclosedpageinthebookoflife,andunsettle,evenforaquarterofanhour,graveaffairslongsincecomposed.'Therewasaserenity,atranquillity,acalmsunsetairabouthim,whichquiteaffectedme.Hewassopeacefulandresigned-clearly
hadhisaffairsinsuchperfecttrain,andsosystematicallywoundup-thathewasamantofeeltouchedinthecontemplationof.IreallythinkIsawtearsrisetohiseyes,fromthedepthofhisownfeelingofallthis.ButwhatcouldIdo?IcouldnotdenyDoraandmyownheart.WhenhetoldmeIhadbettertakeaweektoconsiderofwhathehadsaid,howcouldIsayIwouldn'ttakeaweek,yethowcouldIfailtoknowthatnoamountofweekscouldinfluencesuchloveasmine?'Inthemeantime,conferwithMissTrotwood,orwithanypersonwithanyknowledgeoflife,'saidMr.Spenlow,adjustinghiscravatwithbothhands.'Takeaweek,Mr.Copperfield.'Isubmitted;and,withacountenanceasexpressiveasIwasabletomakeitofdejectedanddespairingconstancy,cameoutoftheroom.MissMurdstone'sheavyeyebrowsfollowedmetothedoor-Isayhereyebrowsratherthanhereyes,becausetheyweremuchmoreimportantinherface-andshelookedsoexactlyassheusedtolook,ataboutthathourofthemorning,inourparlouratBlunderstone,thatIcouldhavefanciedIhadbeenbreakingdowninmylessonsagain,andthatthedeadweightonmymindwasthathorribleoldspelling-book,withovalwoodcuts,shaped,tomy
youthfulfancy,liketheglassesoutofspectacles.WhenIgottotheoffice,and,shuttingoutoldTiffeyandtherestofthemwithmyhands,satatmydesk,inmyownparticularnook,thinkingofthisearthquakethathadtakenplacesounexpectedly,andinthebitternessofmyspiritcursingJip,IfellintosuchastateoftormentaboutDora,thatIwonderIdidnottakeupmyhatandrushinsanelytoNorwood.Theideaoftheirfrighteningher,andmakinghercry,andofmynotbeingtheretocomforther,wassoexcruciating,thatitimpelledmetowriteawildlettertoMr.Spenlow,beseechinghimnottovisituponhertheconsequencesofmyawfuldestiny.Iimploredhimtosparehergentlenature-nottocrushafragileflower-andaddressedhimgenerally,tothebestofmyremembrance,asif,insteadofbeingherfather,hehadbeenanOgre,ortheDragonofWantley.3ThisletterIsealedandlaiduponhisdeskbeforehereturned;andwhenhecamein,Isawhim,throughthehalf-openeddoorofhisroom,takeitupandreadit.Hesaidnothingaboutitallthemorning;butbeforehewentawayintheafternoonhecalledmein,andtoldmethatIneednotmakemyselfatalluneasyabouthisdaughter'shappiness.Hehadassuredher,hesaid,thatitwasallnonsense;andhehadnothing
moretosaytoher.Hebelievedhewasanindulgentfather(asindeedhewas),andImightsparemyselfanysolicitudeonheraccount.'Youmaymakeitnecessary,ifyouarefoolishorobstinate,Mr.Copperfield,'heobserved,'formetosendmydaughterabroadagain,foraterm;butIhaveabetteropinionofyou.Ihopeyouwillbewiserthanthat,inafewdays.AstoMissMurdstone,'forIhadalludedtoherintheletter,'Irespectthatlady'svigilance,andfeelobligedtoher;butshehasstrictchargetoavoidthesubject.AllIdesire,Mr.Copperfield,is,thatitshouldbeforgotten.Allyouhavegottodo,Mr.Copperfield,istoforgetit.'All!InthenoteIwrotetoMissMills,Ibitterlyquotedthissentiment.AllIhadtodo,Isaid,withgloomysarcasm,wastoforgetDora.Thatwasall,andwhatwasthat!IentreatedMissMillstoseeme,thatevening.IfitcouldnotbedonewithMr.Mills'ssanctionandconcurrence,IbesoughtaclandestineinterviewinthebackkitchenwheretheManglewas.Iinformedherthatmyreasonwastotteringonitsthrone,andonlyshe,MissMills,couldpreventitsbeingdeposed.Isignedmyself,hersdistractedly;andIcouldn'thelpfeeling,whileIreadthis
compositionover,beforesendingitbyaporter,thatitwassomethinginthestyleofMr.Micawber.However,Isentit.AtnightIrepairedtoMissMills'sstreet,andwalkedupanddown,untilIwasstealthilyfetchedinbyMissMills'smaid,andtakentheareawaytothebackkitchen.Ihavesinceseenreasontobelievethattherewasnothingonearthtopreventmygoinginatthefrontdoor,andbeingshownupintothedrawing-room,exceptMissMills'sloveoftheromanticandmysterious.Inthebackkitchen,Iravedasbecameme.Iwentthere,Isuppose,tomakeafoolofmyself,andIamquitesureIdidit.MissMillshadreceivedahastynotefromDora,tellingherthatallwasdiscovered,andsaying.'Ohpraycometome,Julia,do,do!'ButMissMills,mistrustingtheacceptabilityofherpresencetothehigherpowers,hadnotyetgone;andwewereallbenightedintheDesertofSahara.MissMillshadawonderfulflowofwords,andlikedtopourthemout.Icouldnothelpfeeling,thoughshemingledhertearswithmine,thatshehadadreadfulluxuryinourafflictions.Shepettedthem,asImaysay,andmadethemostofthem.Adeepgulf,
sheobserved,hadopenedbetweenDoraandme,andLovecouldonlyspanitwithitsrainbow.Lovemustsufferinthissternworld;iteverhadbeenso,iteverwouldbeso.Nomatter,MissMillsremarked.Heartsconfinedbycobwebswouldburstatlast,andthenLovewasavenged.Thiswassmallconsolation,butMissMillswouldn'tencouragefallacioushopes.ShemadememuchmorewretchedthanIwasbefore,andIfelt(andtoldherwiththedeepestgratitude)thatshewasindeedafriend.WeresolvedthatsheshouldgotoDorathefirstthinginthemorning,andfindsomemeansofassuringher,eitherbylooksorwords,ofmydevotionandmisery.Weparted,overwhelmedwithgrief;andIthinkMissMillsenjoyedherselfcompletely.IconfidedalltomyauntwhenIgothome;andinspiteofallshecouldsaytome,wenttobeddespairing.Igotupdespairing,andwentoutdespairing.ItwasSaturdaymorning,andIwentstraighttotheCommons.Iwassurprised,whenIcamewithinsightofouroffice-door,toseetheticket-portersstandingoutsidetalkingtogether,andsomehalf-dozenstragglersgazingatthewindowswhichwereshutup.I
quickenedmypace,and,passingamongthem,wonderingattheirlooks,wenthurriedlyin.Theclerkswerethere,butnobodywasdoinganything.OldTiffey,forthefirsttimeinhislifeIshouldthink,wassittingonsomebodyelse'sstool,andhadnothunguphishat.'Thisisadreadfulcalamity,Mr.Copperfield,'saidhe,asIentered.'Whatis?'Iexclaimed.'What'sthematter?''Don'tyouknow?'criedTiffey,andalltherestofthem,comingroundme.'No!'saidI,lookingfromfacetoface.'Mr.Spenlow,'saidTiffey.'Whatabouthim!''Dead!'Ithoughtitwastheofficereeling,andnotI,asoneofthe
clerkscaughtholdofme.Theysatmedowninachair,untiedmyneck-cloth,andbroughtmesomewater.Ihavenoideawhetherthistookanytime.'Dead?'saidI.'Hedinedintownyesterday,anddrovedowninthephaetonbyhimself,'saidTiffey,'havingsenthisowngroomhomebythecoach,ashesometimesdid,youknow-''Well?''Thephaetonwenthomewithouthim.Thehorsesstoppedatthestable-gate.Themanwentoutwithalantern.Nobodyinthecarriage.''Hadtheyrunaway?''Theywerenothot,'saidTiffey,puttingonhisglasses;'nohotter,Iunderstand,thantheywouldhavebeen,goingdownattheusualpace.Thereinswerebroken,buttheyhadbeendraggingontheground.Thehousewasrousedupdirectly,andthreeofthemwentoutalongtheroad.Theyfoundhimamileoff.'
'Morethanamileoff,Mr.Tiffey,'interposedajunior.'Wasit?Ibelieveyouareright,'saidTiffey,-'morethanamileoff-notfarfromthechurch-lyingpartlyontheroadside,andpartlyonthepath,uponhisface.Whetherhefelloutinafit,orgotout,feelingillbeforethefitcameon-orevenwhetherhewasquitedeadthen,thoughthereisnodoubthewasquiteinsensible-nooneappearstoknow.Ifhebreathed,certainlyheneverspoke.Medicalassistancewasgotassoonaspossible,butitwasquiteuseless.'IcannotdescribethestateofmindintowhichIwasthrownbythisintelligence.Theshockofsuchaneventhappeningsosuddenly,andhappeningtoonewithwhomIhadbeeninanyrespectatvariance-theappallingvacancyintheroomhehadoccupiedsolately,wherehischairandtableseemedtowaitforhim,andhishandwritingofyesterdaywaslikeaghost-thein-definableimpossibilityofseparatinghimfromtheplace,andfeeling,whenthedooropened,asifhemightcomein-thelazyhushandresttherewasintheoffice,andtheinsatiablerelishwithwhichourpeopletalkedaboutit,andotherpeoplecameinandoutallday,andgorgedthemselveswiththesubject-thisiseasily
intelligibletoanyone.WhatIcannotdescribeis,how,intheinnermostrecessesofmyownheart,IhadalurkingjealousyevenofDeath.HowIfeltasifitsmightwouldpushmefrommygroundinDora'sthoughts.HowIwas,inagrudgingwayIhavenowordsfor,enviousofhergrief.Howitmademerestlesstothinkofherweepingtoothers,orbeingconsoledbyothers.HowIhadagrasping,avariciouswishtoshutouteverybodyfromherbutmyself,andtobeallinalltoher,atthatunseasonabletimeofalltimes.Inthetroubleofthisstateofmind-notexclusivelymyown,Ihope,butknowntoothers-IwentdowntoNorwoodthatnight;andfindingfromoneoftheservants,whenImademyinquiriesatthedoor,thatMissMillswasthere,gotmyaunttodirectalettertoher,whichIwrote.IdeploredtheuntimelydeathofMr.Spenlow,mostsincerely,andshedtearsindoingso.IentreatedhertotellDora,ifDorawereinastatetohearit,thathehadspokentomewiththeutmostkindnessandconsideration;andhadcouplednothingbuttenderness,notasingleorreproachfulword,withhername.IknowIdidthisselfishly,tohavemynamebroughtbeforeher;butItriedtobelieveitwasanactofjusticetohismemory.PerhapsIdidbelieveit.
Myauntreceivedafewlinesnextdayinreply;addressed,outside,toher;within,tome.Dorawasovercomebygrief;andwhenherfriendhadaskedhershouldshesendherlovetome,hadonlycried,asshewasalwayscrying,'Oh,dearpapa!oh,poorpapa!'ButshehadnotsaidNo,andthatImadethemostof.Mr.jorkins,whohadbeenatNorwoodsincetheoccurrence,cametotheofficeafewdaysafterwards.HeandTiffeywereclosetedtogetherforsomefewmoments,andthenTiffeylookedoutatthedoorandbeckonedmein.'Oh!'saidMr.jorkins.'Mr.Tiffeyandmyself,Mr.Copperfield,areabouttoexaminethedesks,thedrawers,andothersuchrepositoriesofthedeceased,withtheviewofsealinguphisprivatepapers,andsearchingforaWill.Thereisnotraceofany,elsewhere.Itmaybeaswellforyoutoassistus,ifyouplease.'IhadbeeninagonytoobtainsomeknowledgeofthecircumstancesinwhichmyDorawouldbeplaced-as,inwhoseguardianship,andsoforth-andthiswassomethingtowardsit.Webeganthesearchatonce;Mr.jorkinsunlockingthedrawersanddesks,andwealltakingoutthepapers.Theoffice-papersweplacedononeside,
andtheprivatepapers(whichwerenotnumerous)ontheother.Wewereverygrave;andwhenwecametoastrayseal,orpencil-case,orring,oranylittlearticleofthatkindwhichweassociatedpersonallywithhim,wespokeverylow.Wehadsealedupseveralpackets;andwerestillgoingondustilyandquietly,whenMr.jorkinssaidtous,applyingexactlythesamewordstohislatepartnerashislatepartnerhadappliedtohim:'Mr.Spenlowwasverydifficulttomovefromthebeatentrack.Youknowwhathewas!Iamdisposedtothinkhehadmadenowill.''Oh,Iknowhehad!'saidI.Theybothstoppedandlookedatme.'OntheverydaywhenIlastsawhim,'saidI,'hetoldmethathehad,andthathisaffairswerelongsincesettled.'Mr.jorkinsandoldTiffeyshooktheirheadswithoneaccord.'Thatlooksunpromising,'saidTiffey.'Veryunpromising,'saidMr.jorkins.
'Surelyyoudon'tdoubt-'Ibegan.'MygoodMr.Copperfield!'saidTiffey,layinghishanduponmyarm,andshuttingupbothhiseyesasheshookhishead:'ifyouhadbeenintheCommonsaslongasIhave,youwouldknowthatthereisnosubjectonwhichmenaresoinconsistent,andsolittletobetrusted.''Why,blessmysoul,hemadethatveryremark!'Irepliedpersistently.'Ishouldcallthatalmostfinal,'observedTiffey.'Myopinionis-nowill.'Itappearedawonderfulthingtome,butitturnedoutthattherewasnowill.Hehadneversomuchasthoughtofmakingone,sofarashispapersaffordedanyevidence;fortherewasnokindofhint,sketch,ormemorandum,ofanytestamentaryintentionwhatever.Whatwasscarcelylessastonishingtome,was,thathisaffairswereinamostdisorderedstate.Itwasextremelydifficult,Iheard,tomakeoutwhatheowed,orwhathehadpaid,orofwhathediedpossessed.Itwasconsideredlikelythatforyearshecould
havehadnoclearopiniononthesesubjectshimself.Bylittleandlittleitcameout,that,inthecompetitiononallpointsofappearanceandgentilitythenrunninghighintheCommons,hehadspentmorethanhisprofessionalincome,whichwasnotaverylargeone,andhadreducedhisprivatemeans,iftheyeverhadbeengreat(whichwasexceedinglydoubtful),toaverylowebbindeed.Therewasasaleofthefurnitureandlease,atNorwood;andTiffeytoldme,littlethinkinghowinterestedIwasinthestory,that,payingallthejustdebtsofthedeceased,anddeductinghisshareofoutstandingbadanddoubtfuldebtsduetothefirm,hewouldn'tgiveathousandpoundsforalltheassetsremaining.Thiswasattheexpirationofaboutsixweeks.Ihadsufferedtorturesallthetime;andthoughtIreallymusthavelaidviolenthandsuponmyself,whenMissMillsstillreportedtome,thatmybroken-heartedlittleDorawouldsaynothing,whenIwasmentioned,but'Oh,poorpapa!Oh,dearpapa!'Also,thatshehadnootherrelationsthantwoaunts,maidensistersofMr.Spenlow,wholivedatPutney,andwhohadnotheldanyotherthanchancecommunicationwiththeirbrotherformanyyears.Notthattheyhadeverquarrelled(MissMillsinformedme);butthathavingbeen,ontheoccasionofDora'schristening,invitedtotea,whentheyconsideredthemselvesprivilegedtobeinvitedtodinner,theyhad
expressedtheiropinioninwriting,thatitwas'betterforthehappinessofallparties'thattheyshouldstayaway.Sincewhichtheyhadgonetheirroad,andtheirbrotherhadgonehis.Thesetwoladiesnowemergedfromtheirretirement,andproposedtotakeDoratoliveatPutney.Dora,clingingtothemboth,andweeping,exclaimed,'Oyes,aunts!PleasetakeJuliaMillsandmeandJiptoPutney!'Sotheywent,verysoonafterthefuneral.HowIfoundtimetohauntPutney,IamsureIdon'tknow;butIcontrived,bysomemeansorother,toprowlabouttheneighbourhoodprettyoften.MissMills,forthemoreexactdischargeofthedutiesoffriendship,keptajournal;andsheusedtomeetmesometimes,ontheCommon,andreadit,or(ifshehadnottimetodothat)lendittome.HowItreasureduptheentries,ofwhichIsubjoinasample!-'Monday.MysweetD.stillmuchdepressed.Headache.CalledattentiontoJ.asbeingbeautifullysleek.D.fondledJ.Associationsthusawakened,openedfloodgatesofsorrow.Rushofgriefadmitted.(Aretearsthedewdropsoftheheart?J.M.)'Tuesday.D.weakandnervous.Beautifulinpallor.(Dowenot
remarkthisinmoonlikewise?J.M.)D.,J.M.andJ.tookairingincarriage.J.lookingoutofwindow,andbarkingviolentlyatdustman,occasionedsmiletooverspreadfeaturesofD.(Ofsuchslightlinksischainoflifecomposed!J.M.)'Wednesday.D.comparativelycheerful.Sangtoher,ascongenialmelody,"EveningBells".Effectnotsoothing,butreverse.D.inexpressiblyaffected.Foundsobbingafterwards,inownroom.QuotedversesrespectingselfandyoungGazelle.Ineffectually.AlsoreferredtoPatienceonMonument.(Qy.Whyonmonument?J.M.)'Thursday.D.certainlyimproved.Betternight.Slighttingeofdamaskrevisitingcheek.ResolvedtomentionnameofD.C.Introducedsame,cautiously,incourseofairing.D.immediatelyovercome."Oh,dear,dearJulia!Oh,Ihavebeenanaughtyandundutifulchild!"Soothedandcaressed.DrewidealpictureofD.C.onvergeoftomb.D.againovercome."Oh,whatshallIdo,whatshallIdo?Oh,takemesomewhere!"Muchalarmed.FaintingofD.andglassofwaterfrompublic-house.(Poeticalaffinity.Chequeredsignondoor-post;chequeredhumanlife.Alas!J.M.)'Friday.Dayofincident.Manappearsinkitchen,withbluebag,
"forlady'sbootsleftouttoheel".Cookreplies,"Nosuchorders."Manarguespoint.Cookwithdrawstoinquire,leavingmanalonewithJ.OnCook'sreturn,manstillarguespoint,butultimatelygoes.J.missing.D.distracted.Informationsenttopolice.Mantobeidentifiedbybroadnose,andlegslikebalustradesofbridge.Searchmadeineverydirection.NoJ.D.weepingbitterly,andinconsolable.RenewedreferencetoyoungGazelle.Appropriate,butunavailing.Towardsevening,strangeboycalls.Broughtintoparlour.Broadnose,butnobalustrades.Sayshewantsapound,andknowsadog.Declinestoexplainfurther,thoughmuchpressed.PoundbeingproducedbyD.takesCooktolittlehouse,whereJ.alonetieduptolegoftable.joyofD.whodancesroundJ.whileheeatshissupper.Emboldenedbythishappychange,mentionD.C.upstairs.D.weepsafresh,criespiteously,"Oh,don't,don't,don't!Itissowickedtothinkofanythingbutpoorpapa!"-embracesJ.andsobsherselftosleep.(MustnotD.C.confinehimselftothebroadpinionsofTime?J.M.)'MissMillsandherjournalweremysoleconsolationatthisperiod.Toseeher,whohadseenDorabutalittlewhilebefore-totracetheinitialletterofDora'snamethroughhersympatheticpages-tobemademoreandmoremiserablebyher-weremyonlycomforts.
IfeltasifIhadbeenlivinginapalaceofcards,whichhadtumbleddown,leavingonlyMissMillsandmeamongtheruins;Ifeltasifsomegrimenchanterhaddrawnamagiccircleroundtheinnocentgoddessofmyheart,whichnothingindeedbutthosesamestrongpinions,capableofcarryingsomanypeopleoversomuch,wouldenablemetoenter!CHAPTER39WICKFIELDANDHEEPMyaunt,beginning,Iimagine,tobemadeseriouslyuncomfortablebymyprolongeddejection,madeapretenceofbeinganxiousthatIshouldgotoDover,toseethatallwasworkingwellatthecottage,whichwaslet;andtoconcludeanagreement,withthesametenant,foralongertermofoccupation.JanetwasdraftedintotheserviceofMrs.Strong,whereIsawhereveryday.Shehadbeenundecided,onleavingDover,whetherornotogivethefinishingtouchtothatrenunciationofmankindinwhichshehadbeeneducated,bymarryingapilot;butshedecidedagainstthatventure.Notsomuchforthesakeofprinciple,Ibelieve,asbecauseshehappenednottolikehim.
AlthoughitrequiredanefforttoleaveMissMills,Ifellratherwillinglyintomyaunt'spretence,asameansofenablingmetopassafewtranquilhourswithAgnes.IconsultedthegoodDoctorrelativetoanabsenceofthreedays;andtheDoctorwishingmetotakethatrelaxation,-hewishedmetotakemore;butmyenergycouldnotbearthat,-Imadeupmymindtogo.AstotheCommons,Ihadnogreatoccasiontobeparticularaboutmydutiesinthatquarter.Tosaythetruth,weweregettinginnoverygoododouramongthetip-topproctors,andwererapidlyslidingdowntobutadoubtfulposition.ThebusinesshadbeenindifferentunderMr.jorkins,beforeMr.Spenlow'stime;andalthoughithadbeenquickenedbytheinfusionofnewblood,andbythedisplaywhichMr.Spenlowmade,stillitwasnotestablishedonasufficientlystrongbasistobear,withoutbeingshaken,suchablowasthesuddenlossofitsactivemanager.Itfelloffverymuch.Mr.jorkins,notwithstandinghisreputationinthefirm,wasaneasy-going,incapablesortofman,whosereputationoutofdoorswasnotcalculatedtobackitup.Iwasturnedovertohimnow,andwhenIsawhimtakehissnuffandletthebusinessgo,Iregrettedmyaunt'sthousandpoundsmorethanever.Butthiswasnottheworstofit.Therewereanumberof
hangers-onandoutsidersabouttheCommons,who,withoutbeingproctorsthemselves,dabbledincommon-formbusiness,andgotitdonebyrealproctors,wholenttheirnamesinconsiderationofashareinthespoil;-andtherewereagoodmanyofthesetoo.Asourhousenowwantedbusinessonanyterms,wejoinedthisnobleband;andthrewoutlurestothehangers-onandoutsiders,tobringtheirbusinesstous.Marriagelicencesandsmallprobateswerewhatwealllookedfor,andwhatpaidusbest;andthecompetitionfortheseranveryhighindeed.KidnappersandinveiglerswereplantedinalltheavenuesofentrancetotheCommons,withinstructionstodotheirutmosttocutoffallpersonsinmourning,andallgentlemenwithanythingbashfulintheirappearance,andenticethemtotheofficesinwhichtheirrespectiveemployerswereinterested;whichinstructionsweresowellobserved,thatImyself,beforeIwasknownbysight,wastwicehustledintothepremisesofourprincipalopponent.Theconflictinginterestsofthesetoutinggentlemenbeingofanaturetoirritatetheirfeelings,personalcollisionstookplace;andtheCommonswasevenscandalizedbyourprincipalinveigler(whohadformerlybeeninthewinetrade,andafterwardsintheswornbrokeryline)walkingaboutforsomedayswithablackeye.Anyoneofthesescoutsusedtothinknothingofpolitelyassistinganoldladyinblackoutofavehicle,killinganyproctorwhomsheinquiredfor,representing
hisemployerasthelawfulsuccessorandrepresentativeofthatproctor,andbearingtheoldladyoff(sometimesgreatlyaffected)tohisemployer'soffice.Manycaptiveswerebroughttomeinthisway.Astomarriagelicences,thecompetitionrosetosuchapitch,thatashygentlemaninwantofone,hadnothingtodobutsubmithimselftothefirstinveigler,orbefoughtfor,andbecomethepreyofthestrongest.Oneofourclerks,whowasanoutsider,used,intheheightofthiscontest,tositwithhishaton,thathemightbereadytorushoutandswearbeforeasurrogateanyvictimwhowasbroughtin.Thesystemofinveiglingcontinues,Ibelieve,tothisday.ThelasttimeIwasintheCommons,acivilable-bodiedpersoninawhiteapronpouncedoutuponmefromadoorway,andwhisperingtheword'Marriage-licence'inmyear,waswithgreatdifficultypreventedfromtakingmeupinhisarmsandliftingmeintoaproctor's.Fromthisdigression,letmeproceedtoDover.Ifoundeverythinginasatisfactorystateatthecottage;andwasenabledtogratifymyauntexceedinglybyreportingthatthetenantinheritedherfeud,andwagedincessantwaragainstdonkeys.HavingsettledthelittlebusinessIhadtotransactthere,andsleptthereonenight,IwalkedontoCanterburyearlyinthemorning.Itwasnowwinteragain;andthefresh,coldwindyday,
andthesweepingdownland,brightenedupmyhopesalittle.ComingintoCanterbury,Iloiteredthroughtheoldstreetswithasoberpleasurethatcalmedmyspirits,andeasedmyheart.Thereweretheoldsigns,theoldnamesovertheshops,theoldpeopleservinginthem.Itappearedsolong,sinceIhadbeenaschoolboythere,thatIwonderedtheplacewassolittlechanged,untilIreflectedhowlittleIwaschangedmyself.Strangetosay,thatquietinfluencewhichwasinseparableinmymindfromAgnes,seemedtopervadeeventhecitywhereshedwelt.Thevenerablecathedraltowers,andtheoldjackdawsandrookswhoseairyvoicesmadethemmoreretiredthanperfectsilencewouldhavedone;thebatteredgateways,onestuckfullwithstatues,longthrowndown,andcrumbledaway,likethereverentialpilgrimswhohadgazeduponthem;thestillnooks,wheretheiviedgrowthofcenturiescreptovergabledendsandruinedwalls;theancienthouses,thepastorallandscapeoffield,orchard,andgarden;everywhere-oneverything-Ifeltthesameserenerair,thesamecalm,thoughtful,softeningspirit.ArrivedatMr.Wickfield'shouse,Ifound,inthelittlelowerroomonthegroundfloor,whereUriahHeephadbeenofoldaccustomedtosit,Mr.Micawberplyinghispenwithgreatassiduity.Hewas
dressedinalegal-lookingsuitofblack,andloomed,burlyandlarge,inthatsmalloffice.Mr.Micawberwasextremelygladtoseeme,butalittleconfusedtoo.HewouldhaveconductedmeimmediatelyintothepresenceofUriah,butIdeclined.'Iknowthehouseofold,yourecollect,'saidI,'andwillfindmywayupstairs.Howdoyoulikethelaw,Mr.Micawber?''MydearCopperfield,'hereplied.'Toamanpossessedofthehigherimaginativepowers,theobjectiontolegalstudiesistheamountofdetailwhichtheyinvolve.Eveninourprofessionalcorrespondence,'saidMr.Micawber,glancingatsomelettershewaswriting,'themindisnotatlibertytosoartoanyexaltedformofexpression.Still,itisagreatpursuit.Agreatpursuit!'HethentoldmethathehadbecomethetenantofUriahHeep'soldhouse;andthatMrs.Micawberwouldbedelightedtoreceiveme,oncemore,underherownroof.'Itishumble,'saidMr.Micawber,'-toquoteafavouriteexpressionofmyfriendHeep;butitmayprovethestepping-stone
tomoreambitiousdomiciliaryaccommodation.'Iaskedhimwhetherhehadreason,sofar,tobesatisfiedwithhisfriendHeep'streatmentofhim?Hegotuptoascertainifthedoorwerecloseshut,beforehereplied,inalowervoice:'MydearCopperfield,amanwholaboursunderthepressureofpecuniaryembarrassments,is,withthegeneralityofpeople,atadisadvantage.Thatdisadvantageisnotdiminished,whenthatpressurenecessitatesthedrawingofstipendiaryemoluments,beforethoseemolumentsarestrictlydueandpayable.AllIcansayis,thatmyfriendHeephasrespondedtoappealstowhichIneednotmoreparticularlyrefer,inamannercalculatedtoredoundequallytothehonourofhishead,andofhisheart.''Ishouldnothavesupposedhimtobeveryfreewithhismoneyeither,'Iobserved.'Pardonme!'saidMr.Micawber,withanairofconstraint,'IspeakofmyfriendHeepasIhaveexperience.''Iamgladyourexperienceissofavourable,'Ireturned.
'Youareveryobliging,mydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber;andhummedatune.'DoyouseemuchofMr.Wickfield?'Iasked,tochangethesubject.'Notmuch,'saidMr.Micawber,slightingly.'Mr.Wickfieldis,Idaresay,amanofveryexcellentintentions;butheis-inshort,heisobsolete.''Iamafraidhispartnerseekstomakehimso,'saidI.'MydearCopperfield!'returnedMr.Micawber,aftersomeuneasyevolutionsonhisstool,'allowmetoofferaremark!Iamhere,inacapacityofconfidence.Iamhere,inapositionoftrust.Thediscussionofsometopics,evenwithMrs.Micawberherself(solongthepartnerofmyvariousvicissitudes,andawomanofaremarkablelucidityofintellect),is,Iamledtoconsider,incompatiblewiththefunctionsnowdevolvingonme.Iwouldthereforetakethelibertyofsuggestingthatinourfriendlyintercourse-whichItrustwillneverbedisturbed!-wedrawaline.Ononesideofthisline,'saidMr.Micawber,representingitonthedeskwiththeofficeruler,'isthewholerangeofthehumanintellect,withatriflingexception;ontheother,ISthat
exception;thatistosay,theaffairsofMessrsWickfieldandHeep,withallbelongingandappertainingthereunto.ItrustIgivenooffencetothecompanionofmyyouth,insubmittingthispropositiontohiscoolerjudgement?'ThoughIsawanuneasychangeinMr.Micawber,whichsattightlyonhim,asifhisnewdutieswereamisfit,IfeltIhadnorighttobeoffended.Mytellinghimso,appearedtorelievehim;andheshookhandswithme.'Iamcharmed,Copperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,'letmeassureyou,withMissWickfield.Sheisaverysuperioryounglady,ofveryremarkableattractions,graces,andvirtues.Uponmyhonour,'saidMr.Micawber,indefinitelykissinghishandandbowingwithhisgenteelestair,'IdoHomagetoMissWickfield!Hem!''Iamgladofthat,atleast,'saidI.'Ifyouhadnotassuredus,mydearCopperfield,ontheoccasionofthatagreeableafternoonwehadthehappinessofpassingwithyou,thatD.wasyourfavouriteletter,'saidMr.Micawber,'IshouldunquestionablyhavesupposedthatA.hadbeenso.'Wehaveallsomeexperienceofafeeling,thatcomesoverus
occasionally,ofwhatwearesayinganddoinghavingbeensaidanddonebefore,inaremotetime-ofourhavingbeensurrounded,dimagesago,bythesamefaces,objects,andcircumstances-ofourknowingperfectlywhatwillbesaidnext,asifwesuddenlyrememberedit!Ineverhadthismysteriousimpressionmorestronglyinmylife,thanbeforeheutteredthosewords.ItookmyleaveofMr.Micawber,forthetime,charginghimwithmybestremembrancestoallathome.AsIlefthim,resuminghisstoolandhispen,androllinghisheadinhisstock,togetitintoeasierwritingorder,Iclearlyperceivedthattherewassomethinginterposedbetweenhimandme,sincehehadcomeintohisnewfunctions,whichpreventedourgettingateachotherasweusedtodo,andquitealteredthecharacterofourintercourse.Therewasnooneinthequaintolddrawing-room,thoughitpresentedtokensofMrs.Heep'swhereabouts.IlookedintotheroomstillbelongingtoAgnes,andsawhersittingbythefire,ataprettyold-fashioneddeskshehad,writing.Mydarkeningthelightmadeherlookup.Whatapleasuretobethecauseofthatbrightchangeinherattentiveface,andtheobjectofthatsweetregardandwelcome!
'Ah,Agnes!'saidI,whenweweresittingtogether,sidebyside;'Ihavemissedyousomuch,lately!''Indeed?'shereplied.'Again!Andsosoon?'Ishookmyhead.'Idon'tknowhowitis,Agnes;IseemtowantsomefacultyofmindthatIoughttohave.Youweresomuchinthehabitofthinkingforme,inthehappyolddayshere,andIcamesonaturallytoyouforcounselandsupport,thatIreallythinkIhavemissedacquiringit.''Andwhatisit?'saidAgnes,cheerfully.'Idon'tknowwhattocallit,'Ireplied.'IthinkIamearnestandpersevering?''Iamsureofit,'saidAgnes.'Andpatient,Agnes?'Iinquired,withalittlehesitation.
'Yes,'returnedAgnes,laughing.'Prettywell.''Andyet,'saidI,'Igetsomiserableandworried,andamsounsteadyandirresoluteinmypowerofassuringmyself,thatIknowImustwant-shallIcallit-reliance,ofsomekind?''Callitso,ifyouwill,'saidAgnes.'Well!'Ireturned.'Seehere!YoucometoLondon,Irelyonyou,andIhaveanobjectandacourseatonce.Iamdrivenoutofit,Icomehere,andinamomentIfeelanalteredperson.Thecircumstancesthatdistressedmearenotchanged,sinceIcameintothisroom;butaninfluencecomesovermeinthatshortintervalthataltersme,oh,howmuchforthebetter!Whatisit?Whatisyoursecret,Agnes?'Herheadwasbentdown,lookingatthefire.'It'stheoldstory,'saidI.'Don'tlaugh,whenIsayitwasalwaysthesameinlittlethingsasitisingreaterones.Myoldtroubleswerenonsense,andnowtheyareserious;butwheneverIhavegoneawayfrommyadoptedsister-'
Agneslookedup-withsuchaHeavenlyface!-andgavemeherhand,whichIkissed.'WheneverIhavenothadyou,Agnes,toadviseandapproveinthebeginning,Ihaveseemedtogowild,andtogetintoallsortsofdifficulty.WhenIhavecometoyou,atlast(asIhavealwaysdone),Ihavecometopeaceandhappiness.Icomehome,now,likeatiredtraveller,andfindsuchablessedsenseofrest!'IfeltsodeeplywhatIsaid,itaffectedmesosincerely,thatmyvoicefailed,andIcoveredmyfacewithmyhand,andbrokeintotears.Iwritethetruth.Whatevercontradictionsandinconsistenciestherewerewithinme,astherearewithinsomanyofus;whatevermighthavebeensodifferent,andsomuchbetter;whateverIhaddone,inwhichIhadperverselywanderedawayfromthevoiceofmyownheart;Iknewnothingof.IonlyknewthatIwasferventlyinearnest,whenIfelttherestandpeaceofhavingAgnesnearme.Inherplacidsisterlymanner;withherbeamingeyes;withhertendervoice;andwiththatsweetcomposure,whichhadlongagomadethehousethatheldherquiteasacredplacetome;shesoonwonmefromthisweakness,andledmeontotellallthathad
happenedsinceourlastmeeting.'Andthereisnotanotherwordtotell,Agnes,'saidI,whenIhadmadeanendofmyconfidence.'Now,myrelianceisonyou.''Butitmustnotbeonme,Trotwood,'returnedAgnes,withapleasantsmile.'Itmustbeonsomeoneelse.''OnDora?'saidI.'Assuredly.''Why,Ihavenotmentioned,Agnes,'saidI,alittleembarrassed,'thatDoraisratherdifficultto-Iwouldnot,fortheworld,say,torelyupon,becausesheisthesoulofpurityandtruth-butratherdifficultto-Ihardlyknowhowtoexpressit,really,Agnes.Sheisatimidlittlething,andeasilydisturbedandfrightened.Sometimeago,beforeherfather'sdeath,whenIthoughtitrighttomentiontoher-butI'lltellyou,ifyouwillbearwithme,howitwas.'Accordingly,ItoldAgnesaboutmydeclarationofpoverty,aboutthecookery-book,thehousekeepingaccounts,andalltherestof
it.'Oh,Trotwood!'sheremonstrated,withasmile.'Justyouroldheadlongway!Youmighthavebeeninearnestinstrivingtogetonintheworld,withoutbeingsoverysuddenwithatimid,loving,inexperiencedgirl.PoorDora!'Ineverheardsuchsweetforbearingkindnessexpressedinavoice,assheexpressedinmakingthisreply.ItwasasifIhadseenheradmiringlyandtenderlyembracingDora,andtacitlyreprovingme,byherconsiderateprotection,formyhothasteinflutteringthatlittleheart.ItwasasifIhadseenDora,inallherfascinatingartlessness,caressingAgnes,andthankingher,andcoaxinglyappealingagainstme,andlovingmewithallherchildishinnocence.IfeltsogratefultoAgnes,andadmiredherso!Isawthosetwotogether,inabrightperspective,suchwell-associatedfriends,eachadorningtheothersomuch!'WhatoughtItodothen,Agnes?'Iinquired,afterlookingatthefirealittlewhile.'Whatwoulditberighttodo?'
'Ithink,'saidAgnes,'thatthehonourablecoursetotake,wouldbetowritetothosetwoladies.Don'tyouthinkthatanysecretcourseisanunworthyone?''Yes.IfYOUthinkso,'saidI.'Iampoorlyqualifiedtojudgeofsuchmatters,'repliedAgnes,withamodesthesitation,'butIcertainlyfeel-inshort,Ifeelthatyourbeingsecretandclandestine,isnotbeinglikeyourself.''Likemyself,inthetoohighopinionyouhaveofme,Agnes,Iamafraid,'saidI.'Likeyourself,inthecandourofyournature,'shereturned;'andthereforeIwouldwritetothosetwoladies.Iwouldrelate,asplainlyandasopenlyaspossible,allthathastakenplace;andIwouldasktheirpermissiontovisitsometimes,attheirhouse.Consideringthatyouareyoung,andstrivingforaplaceinlife,Ithinkitwouldbewelltosaythatyouwouldreadilyabidebyanyconditionstheymightimposeuponyou.Iwouldentreatthemnottodismissyourrequest,withoutareferencetoDora;andtodiscussitwithherwhentheyshouldthinkthetimesuitable.Iwouldnot
betoovehement,'saidAgnes,gently,'orproposetoomuch.Iwouldtrusttomyfidelityandperseverance-andtoDora.''ButiftheyweretofrightenDoraagain,Agnes,byspeakingtoher,'saidI.'AndifDoraweretocry,andsaynothingaboutme!''Isthatlikely?'inquiredAgnes,withthesamesweetconsiderationinherface.'Godblessher,sheisaseasilyscaredasabird,'saidI.'Itmightbe!OrifthetwoMissSpenlows(elderlyladiesofthatsortareoddcharacterssometimes)shouldnotbelikelypersonstoaddressinthatway!''Idon'tthink,Trotwood,'returnedAgnes,raisinghersofteyestomine,'Iwouldconsiderthat.Perhapsitwouldbebetteronlytoconsiderwhetheritisrighttodothis;and,ifitis,todoit.'Ihadnolongeranydoubtonthesubject.Withalightenedheart,thoughwithaprofoundsenseoftheweightyimportanceofmytask,Idevotedthewholeafternoontothecompositionofthedraftofthisletter;forwhichgreatpurpose,Agnesrelinquishedherdesktome.ButfirstIwentdownstairstoseeMr.WickfieldandUriah
Heep.IfoundUriahinpossessionofanew,plaster-smellingoffice,builtoutinthegarden;lookingextraordinarilymean,inthemidstofaquantityofbooksandpapers.Hereceivedmeinhisusualfawningway,andpretendednottohaveheardofmyarrivalfromMr.Micawber;apretenceItookthelibertyofdisbelieving.HeaccompaniedmeintoMr.Wickfield'sroom,whichwastheshadowofitsformerself-havingbeendivestedofavarietyofconveniences,fortheaccommodationofthenewpartner-andstoodbeforethefire,warminghisback,andshavinghischinwithhisbonyhand,whileMr.WickfieldandIexchangedgreetings.'Youstaywithus,Trotwood,whileyouremaininCanterbury?'saidMr.Wickfield,notwithoutaglanceatUriahforhisapproval.'Isthereroomforme?'saidI.'Iamsure,MasterCopperfield-IshouldsayMister,buttheothercomessonatural,'saidUriah,-'Iwouldturnoutofyouroldroomwithpleasure,ifitwouldbeagreeable.''No,no,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Whyshouldyoubeinconvenienced?
There'sanotherroom.There'sanotherroom.''Oh,butyouknow,'returnedUriah,withagrin,'Ishouldreallybedelighted!'Tocutthemattershort,IsaidIwouldhavetheotherroomornoneatall;soitwassettledthatIshouldhavetheotherroom;and,takingmyleaveofthefirmuntildinner,Iwentupstairsagain.IhadhopedtohavenoothercompanionthanAgnes.ButMrs.Heephadaskedpermissiontobringherselfandherknittingnearthefire,inthatroom;onpretenceofitshavinganaspectmorefavourableforherrheumatics,asthewindthenwas,thanthedrawing-roomordining-parlour.ThoughIcouldalmosthaveconsignedhertothemerciesofthewindonthetopmostpinnacleoftheCathedral,withoutremorse,Imadeavirtueofnecessity,andgaveherafriendlysalutation.'I'mumblythankfultoyou,sir,'saidMrs.Heep,inacknowledgementofmyinquiriesconcerningherhealth,'butI'monlyprettywell.Ihaven'tmuchtoboastof.IfIcouldseemyUriahwellsettledinlife,Icouldn'texpectmuchmoreIthink.HowdoyouthinkmyUrylooking,sir?'
Ithoughthimlookingasvillainousasever,andIrepliedthatIsawnochangeinhim.'Oh,don'tyouthinkhe'schanged?'saidMrs.Heep.'ThereImustumblybegleavetodifferfromyou.Don'tyouseeathinnessinhim?''Notmorethanusual,'Ireplied.'Don'tyouthough!'saidMrs.Heep.'Butyoudon'ttakenoticeofhimwithamother'seye!'Hismother'seyewasanevileyetotherestoftheworld,Ithoughtasitmetmine,howsoeveraffectionatetohim;andIbelievesheandhersonweredevotedtooneanother.Itpassedme,andwentontoAgnes.'Don'tYOUseeawastingandawearinginhim,MissWickfield?'inquiredMrs.Heep.'No,'saidAgnes,quietlypursuingtheworkonwhichshewasengaged.'Youaretoosolicitousabouthim.Heisverywell.'
Mrs.Heep,withaprodigioussniff,resumedherknitting.Sheneverleftoff,orleftusforamoment.Ihadarrivedearlyintheday,andwehadstillthreeorfourhoursbeforedinner;butshesatthere,plyingherknitting-needlesasmonotonouslyasanhour-glassmighthavepouredoutitssands.Shesatononesideofthefire;Isatatthedeskinfrontofit;alittlebeyondme,ontheotherside,satAgnes.Whensoever,slowlyponderingovermyletter,Iliftedupmyeyes,andmeetingthethoughtfulfaceofAgnes,sawitclear,andbeamencouragementuponme,withitsownangelicexpression,Iwasconsciouspresentlyoftheevileyepassingme,andgoingontoher,andcomingbacktomeagain,anddroppingfurtivelyupontheknitting.Whattheknittingwas,Idon'tknow,notbeinglearnedinthatart;butitlookedlikeanet;andassheworkedawaywiththoseChinesechopsticksofknitting-needles,sheshowedinthefirelightlikeanill-lookingenchantress,baulkedasyetbytheradiantgoodnessopposite,butgettingreadyforacastofhernetbyandby.Atdinnershemaintainedherwatch,withthesameunwinkingeyes.Afterdinner,hersontookhisturn;andwhenMr.Wickfield,himself,andIwereleftalonetogether,leeredatme,andwritheduntilIcouldhardlybearit.Inthedrawing-room,therewasthe
motherknittingandwatchingagain.AllthetimethatAgnessangandplayed,themothersatatthepiano.Oncesheaskedforaparticularballad,whichshesaidherUry(whowasyawninginagreatchair)dotedon;andatintervalsshelookedroundathim,andreportedtoAgnesthathewasinraptureswiththemusic.Butshehardlyeverspoke-Iquestionifsheeverdid-withoutmakingsomementionofhim.Itwasevidenttomethatthiswasthedutyassignedtoher.Thislasteduntilbedtime.Tohaveseenthemotherandson,liketwogreatbatshangingoverthewholehouse,anddarkeningitwiththeiruglyforms,mademesouncomfortable,thatIwouldratherhaveremaineddownstairs,knittingandall,thangonetobed.Ihardlygotanysleep.Nextdaytheknittingandwatchingbeganagain,andlastedallday.IhadnotanopportunityofspeakingtoAgnes,fortenminutes.Icouldbarelyshowhermyletter.Iproposedtohertowalkoutwithme;butMrs.Heeprepeatedlycomplainingthatshewasworse,Agnescharitablyremainedwithin,tobearhercompany.TowardsthetwilightIwentoutbymyself,musingonwhatIoughttodo,andwhetherIwasjustifiedinwithholdingfromAgnes,anylonger,whatUriahHeephadtoldmeinLondon;forthatbegantotroubleme
again,verymuch.Ihadnotwalkedoutfarenoughtobequiteclearofthetown,upontheRamsgateroad,wheretherewasagoodpath,whenIwashailed,throughthedust,bysomebodybehindme.Theshamblingfigure,andthescantygreat-coat,werenottobemistaken.Istopped,andUriahHeepcameup.'Well?'saidI.'Howfastyouwalk!'saidhe.'Mylegsareprettylong,butyou'vegiven'emquiteajob.''Whereareyougoing?'saidI.'Iamgoingwithyou,MasterCopperfield,ifyou'llallowmethepleasureofawalkwithanoldacquaintance.'Sayingthis,withajerkofhisbody,whichmighthavebeeneitherpropitiatoryorderisive,hefellintostepbesideme.'Uriah!'saidI,ascivillyasIcould,afterasilence.'MasterCopperfield!'saidUriah.
'Totellyouthetruth(atwhichyouwillnotbeoffended),IcameOuttowalkalone,becauseIhavehadsomuchcompany.'Helookedatmesideways,andsaidwithhishardestgrin,'Youmeanmother.''Whyyes,Ido,'saidI.'Ah!Butyouknowwe'resoveryumble,'hereturned.'Andhavingsuchaknowledgeofourownumbleness,wemustreallytakecarethatwe'renotpushedtothewallbythemasisn'tumble.Allstratagemsarefairinlove,sir.'Raisinghisgreathandsuntiltheytouchedhischin,herubbedthemsoftly,andsoftlychuckled;lookingaslikeamalevolentbaboon,Ithought,asanythinghumancouldlook.'Yousee,'hesaid,stillhugginghimselfinthatunpleasantway,andshakinghisheadatme,'you'requiteadangerousrival,MasterCopperfield.Youalwayswas,youknow.''DoyousetawatchuponMissWickfield,andmakeherhomenohome,
becauseofme?'saidI.'Oh!MasterCopperfield!Thoseareveryarshwords,'hereplied.'Putmymeaningintoanywordsyoulike,'saidI.'Youknowwhatitis,Uriah,aswellasIdo.''Ohno!Youmustputitintowords,'hesaid.'Oh,really!Icouldn'tmyself.''Doyousuppose,'saidI,constrainingmyselftobeverytemperateandquietwithhim,onaccountofAgnes,'thatIregardMissWickfieldotherwisethanasaverydearsister?''Well,MasterCopperfield,'hereplied,'youperceiveIamnotboundtoanswerthatquestion.Youmaynot,youknow.Butthen,yousee,youmay!'Anythingtoequalthelowcunningofhisvisage,andofhisshadowlesseyeswithouttheghostofaneyelash,Ineversaw.'Comethen!'saidI.'ForthesakeofMissWickfield-'
'MyAgnes!'heexclaimed,withasickly,angularcontortionofhimself.'WouldyoubesogoodascallherAgnes,MasterCopperfield!''ForthesakeofAgnesWickfield-Heavenblessher!''Thankyouforthatblessing,MasterCopperfield!'heinterposed.'IwilltellyouwhatIshould,underanyothercircumstances,assoonhavethoughtoftellingto-JackKetch.''Towho,sir?'saidUriah,stretchingouthisneck,andshadinghisearwithhishand.'Tothehangman,'Ireturned.'ThemostunlikelypersonIcouldthinkof,'-thoughhisownfacehadsuggestedtheallusionquiteasanaturalsequence.'Iamengagedtoanotheryounglady.Ihopethatcontentsyou.''Uponyoursoul?'saidUriah.Iwasaboutindignantlytogivemyassertiontheconfirmationherequired,whenhecaughtholdofmyhand,andgaveitasqueeze.
'Oh,MasterCopperfield!'hesaid.'IfyouhadonlyhadthecondescensiontoreturnmyconfidencewhenIpouredoutthefulnessofmyart,thenightIputyousomuchoutofthewaybysleepingbeforeyoursitting-roomfire,Inevershouldhavedoubtedyou.Asitis,I'msureI'lltakeoffmotherdirectly,andonlytooappy.Iknowyou'llexcusetheprecautionsofaffection,won'tyou?Whatapity,MasterCopperfield,thatyoudidn'tcondescendtoreturnmyconfidence!I'msureIgaveyoueveryopportunity.Butyouneverhavecondescendedtome,asmuchasIcouldhavewished.Iknowyouhaveneverlikedme,asIhavelikedyou!'Allthistimehewassqueezingmyhandwithhisdampfishyfingers,whileImadeeveryeffortIdecentlycouldtogetitaway.ButIwasquiteunsuccessful.Hedrewitunderthesleeveofhismulberry-colouredgreat-coat,andIwalkedon,almostuponcompulsion,arm-in-armwithhim.'Shallweturn?'saidUriah,byandbywheelingmefaceabouttowardsthetown,onwhichtheearlymoonwasnowshining,silveringthedistantwindows.'Beforeweleavethesubject,yououghttounderstand,'saidI,
breakingaprettylongsilence,'thatIbelieveAgnesWickfieldtobeasfaraboveyou,andasfarremovedfromallyouraspirations,asthatmoonherself!''Peaceful!Ain'tshe!'saidUriah.'Very!Nowconfess,MasterCopperfield,thatyouhaven'tlikedmequiteasIhavelikedyou.Allalongyou'vethoughtmetooumblenow,Ishouldn'twonder?''Iamnotfondofprofessionsofhumility,'Ireturned,'orprofessionsofanythingelse.''Therenow!'saidUriah,lookingflabbyandlead-colouredinthemoonlight.'Didn'tIknowit!Buthowlittleyouthinkoftherightfulumblenessofapersoninmystation,MasterCopperfield!Fatherandmewasbothbroughtupatafoundationschoolforboys;andmother,shewaslikewisebroughtupatapublic,sortofcharitable,establishment.Theytaughtusalladealofumbleness-notmuchelsethatIknowof,frommorningtonight.Wewastobeumbletothisperson,andumbletothat;andtopulloffourcapshere,andtomakebowsthere;andalwaystoknowourplace,andabaseourselvesbeforeourbetters.Andwehadsuchalotofbetters!Fathergotthemonitor-medalbybeingumble.SodidI.Fathergotmadeasextonbybeingumble.Hehadthecharacter,amongthegentlefolks,ofbeingsuchawell-behavedman,thatthey
weredeterminedtobringhimin."Beumble,Uriah,"saysfathertome,"andyou'llgeton.Itwaswhatwasalwaysbeingdinnedintoyouandmeatschool;it'swhatgoesdownbest.Beumble,"saysfather,"andyou'lldo!"Andreallyitain'tdonebad!'Itwasthefirsttimeithadeveroccurredtome,thatthisdetestablecantoffalsehumilitymighthaveoriginatedoutoftheHeepfamily.Ihadseentheharvest,buthadneverthoughtoftheseed.'WhenIwasquiteayoungboy,'saidUriah,'Igottoknowwhatumblenessdid,andItooktoit.Iateumblepiewithanappetite.Istoppedattheumblepointofmylearning,andsaysI,"Holdhard!"WhenyouofferedtoteachmeLatin,Iknewbetter."Peopleliketobeaboveyou,"saysfather,"keepyourselfdown."Iamveryumbletothepresentmoment,MasterCopperfield,butI'vegotalittlepower!'Andhesaidallthis-Iknew,asIsawhisfaceinthemoonlight-thatImightunderstandhewasresolvedtorecompensehimselfbyusinghispower.Ihadneverdoubtedhismeanness,hiscraftandmalice;butIfullycomprehendednow,forthefirsttime,whatabase,unrelenting,andrevengefulspirit,musthavebeenengendered
bythisearly,andthislong,suppression.Hisaccountofhimselfwassofarattendedwithanagreeableresult,thatitledtohiswithdrawinghishandinorderthathemighthaveanotherhugofhimselfunderthechin.Onceapartfromhim,Iwasdeterminedtokeepapart;andwewalkedback,sidebyside,sayingverylittlemorebytheway.WhetherhisspiritswereelevatedbythecommunicationIhadmadetohim,orbyhishavingindulgedinthisretrospect,Idon'tknow;buttheywereraisedbysomeinfluence.Hetalkedmoreatdinnerthanwasusualwithhim;askedhismother(offduty,fromthemomentofourre-enteringthehouse)whetherhewasnotgrowingtoooldforabachelor;andoncelookedatAgnesso,thatIwouldhavegivenallIhad,forleavetoknockhimdown.Whenwethreemaleswereleftaloneafterdinner,hegotintoamoreadventurousstate.Hehadtakenlittleornowine;andIpresumeitwasthemereinsolenceoftriumphthatwasuponhim,flushedperhapsbythetemptationmypresencefurnishedtoitsexhibition.Ihadobservedyesterday,thathetriedtoenticeMr.Wickfieldtodrink;and,interpretingthelookwhichAgneshadgivenmeasshe
wentout,hadlimitedmyselftooneglass,andthenproposedthatweshouldfollowher.Iwouldhavedonesoagaintoday;butUriahwastooquickforme.'Weseldomseeourpresentvisitor,sir,'hesaid,addressingMr.Wickfield,sitting,suchacontrasttohim,attheendofthetable,'andIshouldproposetogivehimwelcomeinanotherglassortwoofwine,ifyouhavenoobjections.Mr.Copperfield,yourelthandappiness!'Iwasobligedtomakeashowoftakingthehandhestretchedacrosstome;andthen,withverydifferentemotions,Itookthehandofthebrokengentleman,hispartner.'Come,fellow-partner,'saidUriah,'ifImaytaketheliberty,-now,supposeyougiveussomethingoranotherappropriatetoCopperfield!'IpassoverMr.Wickfield'sproposingmyaunt,hisproposingMr.Dick,hisproposingDoctors'Commons,hisproposingUriah,hisdrinkingeverythingtwice;hisconsciousnessofhisownweakness,theineffectualeffortthathemadeagainstit;thestrugglebetweenhisshameinUriah'sdeportment,andhisdesireto
conciliatehim;themanifestexultationwithwhichUriahtwistedandturned,andheldhimupbeforeme.Itmademesickathearttosee,andmyhandrecoilsfromwritingit.'Come,fellow-partner!'saidUriah,atlast,'I'llgiveyouanotherone,andIumblyaskforbumpers,seeingIintendtomakeitthedivinestofhersex.'Herfatherhadhisemptyglassinhishand.Isawhimsetitdown,lookatthepictureshewassolike,puthishandtohisforehead,andshrinkbackinhiselbow-chair.'I'manumbleindividualtogiveyouherelth,'proceededUriah,'butIadmire-adoreher.'Nophysicalpainthatherfather'sgreyheadcouldhaveborne,Ithink,couldhavebeenmoreterribletome,thanthementalenduranceIsawcompressednowwithinbothhishands.'Agnes,'saidUriah,eithernotregardinghim,ornotknowingwhatthenatureofhisactionwas,'AgnesWickfieldis,Iamsafetosay,thedivinestofhersex.MayIspeakout,amongfriends?Tobeherfatherisaprouddistinction,buttobeherusband-'
Sparemefromeveragainhearingsuchacry,asthatwithwhichherfatherroseupfromthetable!'What'sthematter?'saidUriah,turningofadeadlycolour.'Youarenotgonemad,afterall,Mr.Wickfield,Ihope?IfIsayI'veanambitiontomakeyourAgnesmyAgnes,Ihaveasgoodarighttoitasanotherman.Ihaveabetterrighttoitthananyotherman!'IhadmyarmsroundMr.Wickfield,imploringhimbyeverythingthatIcouldthinkof,oftenestofallbyhisloveforAgnes,tocalmhimselfalittle.Hewasmadforthemoment;tearingouthishair,beatinghishead,tryingtoforcemefromhim,andtoforcehimselffromme,notansweringaword,notlookingatorseeinganyone;blindlystrivingforheknewnotwhat,hisfaceallstaringanddistorted-afrightfulspectacle.Iconjuredhim,incoherently,butinthemostimpassionedmanner,nottoabandonhimselftothiswildness,buttohearme.IbesoughthimtothinkofAgnes,toconnectmewithAgnes,torecollecthowAgnesandIhadgrownuptogether,howIhonouredherandlovedher,howshewashisprideandjoy.Itriedtobringherideabeforehiminanyform;Ievenreproachedhimwithnothaving
firmnesstosparehertheknowledgeofsuchasceneasthis.Imayhaveeffectedsomething,orhiswildnessmayhavespentitself;butbydegreeshestruggledless,andbegantolookatme-strangelyatfirst,thenwithrecognitioninhiseyes.Atlengthhesaid,'Iknow,Trotwood!Mydarlingchildandyou-Iknow!Butlookathim!'HepointedtoUriah,paleandgloweringinacorner,evidentlyverymuchoutinhiscalculations,andtakenbysurprise.'Lookatmytorturer,'hereplied.'BeforehimIhavestepbystepabandonednameandreputation,peaceandquiet,houseandhome.''Ihavekeptyournameandreputationforyou,andyourpeaceandquiet,andyourhouseandhometoo,'saidUriah,withasulky,hurried,defeatedairofcompromise.'Don'tbefoolish,Mr.Wickfield.IfIhavegonealittlebeyondwhatyouwerepreparedfor,Icangoback,Isuppose?There'snoharmdone.''Ilookedforsinglemotivesineveryone,'saidMr.Wickfield,andIwassatisfiedIhadboundhimtomebymotivesofinterest.Butseewhatheis-oh,seewhatheis!'
'Youhadbetterstophim,Copperfield,ifyoucan,'criedUriah,withhislongforefingerpointingtowardsme.'He'llsaysomethingpresently-mindyou!-he'llbesorrytohavesaidafterwards,andyou'llbesorrytohaveheard!''I'llsayanything!'criedMr.Wickfield,withadesperateair.'WhyshouldInotbeinalltheworld'spowerifIaminyours?''Mind!Itellyou!'saidUriah,continuingtowarnme.'Ifyoudon'tstophismouth,you'renothisfriend!Whyshouldn'tyoubeinalltheworld'spower,Mr.Wickfield?Becauseyouhavegotadaughter.Youandmeknowwhatweknow,don'twe?Letsleepingdogslie-whowantstorouse'em?Idon't.Can'tyouseeIamasumbleasIcanbe?Itellyou,ifI'vegonetoofar,I'msorry.Whatwouldyouhave,sir?''Oh,Trotwood,Trotwood!'exclaimedMr.Wickfield,wringinghishands.'WhatIhavecomedowntobe,sinceIfirstsawyouinthishouse!Iwasonmydownwardwaythen,butthedreary,drearyroadIhavetraversedsince!Weakindulgencehasruinedme.Indulgenceinremembrance,andindulgenceinforgetfulness.Mynaturalgriefformychild'smotherturnedtodisease;mynaturalloveformychildturnedtodisease.IhaveinfectedeverythingItouched.I
havebroughtmiseryonwhatIdearlylove,Iknow-youknow!IthoughtitpossiblethatIcouldtrulyloveonecreatureintheworld,andnotlovetherest;IthoughtitpossiblethatIcouldtrulymournforonecreaturegoneoutoftheworld,andnothavesomepartinthegriefofallwhomourned.Thusthelessonsofmylifehavebeenperverted!Ihavepreyedonmyownmorbidcowardheart,andithaspreyedonme.Sordidinmygrief,sordidinmylove,sordidinmymiserableescapefromthedarkersideofboth,ohseetheruinIam,andhateme,shunme!'Hedroppedintoachair,andweaklysobbed.Theexcitementintowhichhehadbeenrousedwasleavinghim.Uriahcameoutofhiscorner.'Idon'tknowallIhavedone,inmyfatuity,'saidMr.Wickfield,puttingouthishands,asiftodeprecatemycondemnation.'Heknowsbest,'meaningUriahHeep,'forhehasalwaysbeenatmyelbow,whisperingme.Youseethemillstonethatheisaboutmyneck.Youfindhiminmyhouse,youfindhiminmybusiness.Youheardhim,butalittletimeago.WhatneedhaveItosaymore!''Youhaven'tneedtosaysomuch,norhalfsomuch,noranythingatall,'observedUriah,halfdefiant,andhalffawning.'You
wouldn'thavetookitupso,ifithadn'tbeenforthewine.You'llthinkbetterofittomorrow,sir.IfIhavesaidtoomuch,ormorethanImeant,whatofit?Ihaven'tstoodbyit!'Thedooropened,andAgnes,glidingin,withoutavestigeofcolourinherface,putherarmroundhisneck,andsteadilysaid,'Papa,youarenotwell.Comewithme!'Helaidhisheaduponhershoulder,asifhewereoppressedwithheavyshame,andwentoutwithher.Hereyesmetmineforbutaninstant,yetIsawhowmuchsheknewofwhathadpassed.'Ididn'texpecthe'dcutupsorough,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah.'Butit'snothing.I'llbefriendswithhimtomorrow.It'sforhisgood.I'mumblyanxiousforhisgood.'Igavehimnoanswer,andwentupstairsintothequietroomwhereAgneshadsooftensatbesidemeatmybooks.Nobodycamenearmeuntillateatnight.Itookupabook,andtriedtoread.Iheardtheclocksstriketwelve,andwasstillreading,withoutknowingwhatIread,whenAgnestouchedme.'Youwillbegoingearlyinthemorning,Trotwood!Letussay
good-bye,now!'Shehadbeenweeping,butherfacethenwassocalmandbeautiful!'Heavenblessyou!'shesaid,givingmeherhand.'DearestAgnes!'Ireturned,'Iseeyouaskmenottospeakoftonight-butistherenothingtobedone?''ThereisGodtotrustin!'shereplied.'CanIdonothing-I,whocometoyouwithmypoorsorrows?''Andmakeminesomuchlighter,'shereplied.'DearTrotwood,no!''DearAgnes,'Isaid,'itispresumptuousforme,whoamsopoorinallinwhichyouaresorich-goodness,resolution,allnoblequalities-todoubtordirectyou;butyouknowhowmuchIloveyou,andhowmuchIoweyou.Youwillneversacrificeyourselftoamistakensenseofduty,Agnes?'MoreagitatedforamomentthanIhadeverseenher,shetookherhandsfromme,andmovedastepback.
'Sayyouhavenosuchthought,dearAgnes!Muchmorethansister!Thinkofthepricelessgiftofsuchaheartasyours,ofsuchaloveasyours!'Oh!long,longafterwards,Isawthatfaceriseupbeforeme,withitsmomentarylook,notwondering,notaccusing,notregretting.Oh,long,longafterwards,Isawthatlooksubside,asitdidnow,intothelovelysmile,withwhichshetoldmeshehadnofearforherself-Ineedhavenoneforher-andpartedfrommebythenameofBrother,andwasgone!Itwasdarkinthemorning,whenIgotuponthecoachattheinndoor.Thedaywasjustbreakingwhenwewereabouttostart,andthen,asIsatthinkingofher,camestrugglingupthecoachside,throughthemingleddayandnight,Uriah'shead.'Copperfield!'saidhe,inacroakingwhisper,ashehungbytheironontheroof,'Ithoughtyou'dbegladtohearbeforeyouwentoff,thattherearenosquaresbrokebetweenus.I'vebeenintohisroomalready,andwe'vemadeitallsmooth.Why,thoughI'mumble,I'musefultohim,youknow;andheunderstandshisinterestwhenheisn'tinliquor!Whatanagreeablemanheis,afterall,
MasterCopperfield!'IobligedmyselftosaythatIwasgladhehadmadehisapology.'Oh,tobesure!'saidUriah.'Whenaperson'sumble,youknow,what'sanapology?Soeasy!Isay!Isuppose,'withajerk,'youhavesometimespluckedapearbeforeitwasripe,MasterCopperfield?''IsupposeIhave,'Ireplied.'Ididthatlastnight,'saidUriah;'butit'llripenyet!Itonlywantsattendingto.Icanwait!'Profuseinhisfarewells,hegotdownagainasthecoachmangotup.ForanythingIknow,hewaseatingsomethingtokeeptherawmorningairout;buthemademotionswithhismouthasifthepearwereripealready,andheweresmackinghislipsoverit.CHAPTER40THEWANDERER
WehadaveryseriousconversationinBuckinghamStreetthatnight,aboutthedomesticoccurrencesIhavedetailedinthelastchapter.Myauntwasdeeplyinterestedinthem,andwalkedupanddowntheroomwithherarmsfolded,formorethantwohoursafterwards.Whenevershewasparticularlydiscomposed,shealwaysperformedoneofthesepedestrianfeats;andtheamountofherdiscomposuremightalwaysbeestimatedbythedurationofherwalk.Onthisoccasionshewassomuchdisturbedinmindastofinditnecessarytoopenthebedroomdoor,andmakeacourseforherself,comprisingthefullextentofthebedroomsfromwalltowall;andwhileMr.DickandIsatquietlybythefire,shekeptpassinginandout,alongthismeasuredtrack,atanunchangingpace,withtheregularityofaclock-pendulum.WhenmyauntandIwerelefttoourselvesbyMr.Dick'sgoingouttobed,Isatdowntowritemylettertothetwooldladies.Bythattimeshewastiredofwalking,andsatbythefirewithherdresstuckedupasusual.Butinsteadofsittinginherusualmanner,holdingherglassuponherknee,shesufferedittostandneglectedonthechimney-piece;and,restingherleftelbowonherrightarm,andherchinonherlefthand,lookedthoughtfullyatme.AsoftenasIraisedmyeyesfromwhatIwasabout,Imethers.'Iaminthelovingestoftempers,mydear,'shewould
assuremewithanod,'butIamfidgetedandsorry!'Ihadbeentoobusytoobserve,untilaftershewasgonetobed,thatshehadlefthernight-mixture,asshealwayscalledit,untastedonthechimney-piece.Shecametoherdoor,withevenmorethanherusualaffectionofmanner,whenIknockedtoacquaintherwiththisdiscovery;butonlysaid,'Ihavenotthehearttotakeit,Trot,tonight,'andshookherhead,andwentinagain.Shereadmylettertothetwooldladies,inthemorning,andapprovedofit.Ipostedit,andhadnothingtodothen,butwait,aspatientlyasIcould,forthereply.Iwasstillinthisstateofexpectation,andhadbeen,fornearlyaweek;whenIlefttheDoctor'sonesnowynight,towalkhome.Ithadbeenabitterday,andacuttingnorth-eastwindhadblownforsometime.Thewindhadgonedownwiththelight,andsothesnowhadcomeon.Itwasaheavy,settledfall,Irecollect,ingreatflakes;anditlaythick.Thenoiseofwheelsandtreadofpeoplewereashushed,asifthestreetshadbeenstrewnthatdepthwithfeathers.Myshortestwayhome,-andInaturallytooktheshortestwayon
suchanight-wasthroughSt.Martin'sLane.Now,thechurchwhichgivesitsnametothelane,stoodinalessfreesituationatthattime;therebeingnoopenspacebeforeit,andthelanewindingdowntotheStrand.AsIpassedthestepsoftheportico,Iencountered,atthecorner,awoman'sface.Itlookedinmine,passedacrossthenarrowlane,anddisappeared.Iknewit.Ihadseenitsomewhere.ButIcouldnotrememberwhere.Ihadsomeassociationwithit,thatstruckuponmyheartdirectly;butIwasthinkingofanythingelsewhenitcameuponme,andwasconfused.Onthestepsofthechurch,therewasthestoopingfigureofaman,whohadputdownsomeburdenonthesmoothsnow,toadjustit;myseeingtheface,andmyseeinghim,weresimultaneous.Idon'tthinkIhadstoppedinmysurprise;but,inanycase,asIwenton,herose,turned,andcamedowntowardsme.IstoodfacetofacewithMr.Peggotty!ThenIrememberedthewoman.ItwasMartha,towhomEmilyhadgiventhemoneythatnightinthekitchen.MarthaEndell-sidebysidewithwhom,hewouldnothaveseenhisdearniece,Hamhadtoldme,forallthetreasureswreckedinthesea.Weshookhandsheartily.Atfirst,neitherofuscouldspeaka
word.'Mas'rDavy!'hesaid,grippingmetight,'itdomyartgoodtoseeyou,sir.Wellmet,wellmet!''Wellmet,mydearoldfriend!'saidI.'Ihadmythowtso'comingtomakeinquirationforyou,sir,tonight,'hesaid,'butknowingasyourauntwaslivingalongwi'you-furI'vebeendownyonder-Yarmouthway-Iwasafeerditwastoolate.Ishouldhavecomeearlyinthemorning,sir,aforegoingaway.''Again?'saidI.'Yes,sir,'hereplied,patientlyshakinghishead,'I'mawaytomorrow.''Wherewereyougoingnow?'Iasked.'Well!'hereplied,shakingthesnowoutofhislonghair,'Iwasa-goingtoturninsomewheers.'
Inthosedaystherewasaside-entrancetothestable-yardoftheGoldenCross,theinnsomemorabletomeinconnexionwithhismisfortune,nearlyoppositetowherewestood.Ipointedoutthegateway,putmyarmthroughhis,andwewentacross.Twoorthreepublic-roomsopenedoutofthestable-yard;andlookingintooneofthem,andfindingitempty,andagoodfireburning,Itookhiminthere.WhenIsawhiminthelight,Iobserved,notonlythathishairwaslongandragged,butthathisfacewasburntdarkbythesun.Hewasgreyer,thelinesinhisfaceandforeheadweredeeper,andhehadeveryappearanceofhavingtoiledandwanderedthroughallvarietiesofweather;buthelookedverystrong,andlikeamanupheldbysteadfastnessofpurpose,whomnothingcouldtireout.Heshookthesnowfromhishatandclothes,andbrusheditawayfromhisface,whileIwasinwardlymakingtheseremarks.Ashesatdownoppositetomeatatable,withhisbacktothedoorbywhichwehadentered,heputouthisroughhandagain,andgraspedminewarmly.'I'lltellyou,Mas'rDavy,'hesaid,-'wheerallI'vebeen,andwhat-allwe'veheerd.I'vebeenfur,andwe'veheerdlittle;butI'lltellyou!'
Irangthebellforsomethinghottodrink.Hewouldhavenothingstrongerthanale;andwhileitwasbeingbrought,andbeingwarmedatthefire,hesatthinking.Therewasafine,massivegravityinhisface,Ididnotventuretodisturb.'Whenshewasachild,'hesaid,liftinguphisheadsoonafterwewereleftalone,'sheusedtotalktomeadealaboutthesea,andaboutthemcoastswheretheseagottobedarkblue,andtolaya-shininganda-shininginthesun.Ithowt,oddtimes,asherfatherbeingdrowndedmadeherthinkonitsomuch.Idoen'tknow,yousee,butmaybeshebelieved-orhoped-hehaddriftedouttothemparts,wheretheflowersisalwaysa-blowing,andthecountrybright.''Itislikelytohavebeenachildishfancy,'Ireplied.'Whenshewas-lost,'saidMr.Peggotty,'Iknow'dinmymind,ashewouldtakehertothemcountries.Iknow'dinmymind,ashe'dhavetoldherwondersof'em,andhowshewastobealadytheer,andhowhegothertolistentohimfust,alongo'sechlike.Whenweseehismother,Iknow'dquitewellasIwasright.Iwentacross-channeltoFrance,andlandedtheer,asifI'dfelldown
fromthesky.'Isawthedoormove,andthesnowdriftin.Isawitmovealittlemore,andahandsoftlyinterposetokeepitopen.'IfoundoutanEnglishgen'lemanaswasinauthority,'saidMr.Peggotty,'andtoldhimIwasa-goingtoseekmyniece.HegotmethempapersasIwantedfurtocarrymethrough-Idoen'trightlyknowhowthey'recalled-andhewouldhavegivememoney,butthatIwasthankfultohavenoneedon.Ithankhimkind,forallhedone,I'msure!"I'vewroteaforeyou,"hesaystome,"andIshallspeaktomanyaswillcomethatway,andmanywillknowyou,furdistantfromhere,whenyou'rea-travellingalone."Itoldhim,bestasIwasable,whatmygratitoodewas,andwentawaythroughFrance.''Alone,andonfoot?'saidI.'Mostlya-foot,'herejoined;'sometimesincartsalongwithpeoplegoingtomarket;sometimesinemptycoaches.Manymileadaya-foot,andoftenwithsomepoorsoldieroranother,travellingtoseehisfriends.Icouldn'ttalktohim,'saidMr.Peggotty,'norhetome;butwewascompanyforoneanother,too,alongthedusty
roads.'Ishouldhaveknownthatbyhisfriendlytone.'WhenIcometoanytown,'hepursued,'Ifoundtheinn,andwaitedabouttheyardtillsomeoneturnedup(someonemostlydid)asknow'dEnglish.ThenItoldhowthatIwasonmywaytoseekmyniece,andtheytoldmewhatmannerofgentlefolkswasinthehouse,andIwaitedtoseeanyasseemedlikeher,goinginorout.Whenitwarn'tEm'ly,Iwentonagen.Bylittleandlittle,whenIcometoanewvillageorthat,amongthepoorpeople,Ifoundtheyknow'daboutme.Theywouldsetmedownattheircottagedoors,andgivemewhat-notfurtoeatanddrink,andshowmewheretosleep;andmanyawoman,Mas'rDavy,ashashadadaughterofaboutEm'ly'sage,I'vefounda-waitingfurme,atOurSaviour'sCrossoutsidethevillage,furtodomesim'larkindnesses.Somehashaddaughtersaswasdead.AndGodonlyknowshowgoodthemmotherswastome!'ItwasMarthaatthedoor.Isawherhaggard,listeningfacedistinctly.Mydreadwaslestheshouldturnhishead,andseehertoo.
'Theywouldoftenputtheirchildren-particulartheirlittlegirls,'saidMr.Peggotty,'uponmyknee;andmanyatimeyoumighthaveseenmesittingattheirdoors,whennightwascomingin,a'mostasifthey'dbeenmyDarling'schildren.Oh,myDarling!'Overpoweredbysuddengrief,hesobbedaloud.Ilaidmytremblinghanduponthehandheputbeforehisface.'Thankee,sir,'hesaid,'doen'ttakenonotice.'Inaverylittlewhilehetookhishandawayandputitonhisbreast,andwentonwithhisstory.'Theyoftenwalkedwithme,'hesaid,'inthemorning,maybeamileortwouponmyroad;andwhenweparted,andIsaid,"I'mverythankfultoyou!Godblessyou!"theyalwaysseemedtounderstand,andansweredpleasant.AtlastIcometothesea.Itwarn'thard,youmaysuppose,foraseafaringmanlikemetoworkhiswayovertoItaly.WhenIgottheer,IwanderedonasIhaddoneafore.Thepeoplewasjustasgoodtome,andIshouldhavegonefromtowntotown,maybethecountrythrough,butthatIgotnewsofherbeingseenamongthemSwissmountainsyonder.Oneasknow'dhisservantsee'emthere,allthree,andtoldmehowtheytravelled,andwheretheywas.Imadefurthemmountains,Mas'rDavy,dayandnight.EversofurasIwent,eversofurthemountainsseemedto
shiftawayfromme.ButIcomeupwith'em,andIcrossed'em.WhenIgotnightheplaceasIhadbeentoldof,Ibegantothinkwithinmyownself,"WhatshallIdowhenIseeher?"'Thelisteningface,insensibletotheinclementnight,stilldroopedatthedoor,andthehandsbeggedme-prayedme-nottocastitforth.'Ineverdoubtedher,'saidMr.Peggotty.'No!Notabit!On'yletherseemyface-on'yletherbeermyvoice-on'yletmystanningstillaforeherbringtoherthoughtsthehomeshehadfledawayfrom,andthechildshehadbeen-andifshehadgrowedtobearoyallady,she'dhavefelldownatmyfeet!Iknow'ditwell!ManyatimeinmysleephadIheerdhercryout,"Uncle!"andseenherfalllikedeathaforeme.ManyatimeinmysleephadIraisedherup,andwhisperedtoher,"Em'ly,mydear,Iamcomefurtobringforgiveness,andtotakeyouhome!"'Hestoppedandshookhishead,andwentonwithasigh.'Hewasnowttomenow.Em'lywasall.Iboughtacountrydresstoputuponher;andIknow'dthat,oncefound,shewouldwalkbesidemeoverthemstonyroads,gowhereIwould,andnever,
never,leavememore.Toputthatdressuponher,andtocastoffwhatshewore-totakeheronmyarmagain,andwandertowardshome-tostopsometimesupontheroad,andhealherbruisedfeetandherworse-bruisedheart-wasallthatIthowtofnow.Idoen'tbelieveIshouldhavedonesomuchaslookathim.But,Mas'rDavy,itwarn'ttobe-notyet!Iwastoolate,andtheywasgone.Wheer,Icouldn'tlearn.Somesaidbeer,somesaidtheer.Itravelledbeer,andItravelledtheer,butIfoundnoEm'ly,andItravelledhome.''Howlongago?'Iasked.'Amattero'fowerdays,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Isightedtheoldboatarterdark,andthelighta-shininginthewinder.WhenIcomenighandlookedinthroughtheglass,IseethefaithfulcreeturMissisGummidgesittin'bythefire,aswehadfixedupon,alone.Icalledout,"Doen'tbeafeerd!It'sDan'l!"andIwentin.Inevercouldhavethowttheoldboatwouldhavebeensostrange!'Fromsomepocketinhisbreast,hetookout,withaverycarefulhandasmallpaperbundlecontainingtwoorthreelettersorlittlepackets,whichhelaiduponthetable.
'Thisfustonecome,'hesaid,selectingitfromtherest,'aforeIhadbeengoneaweek.AfiftypoundBanknote,inasheetofpaper,directedtome,andputunderneaththedoorinthenight.Shetriedtohideherwriting,butshecouldn'thideitfromMe!'Hefoldedupthenoteagain,withgreatpatienceandcare,inexactlythesameform,andlaiditononeside.'ThiscometoMissisGummidge,'hesaid,openinganother,'twoorthreemonthsago.'Afterlookingatitforsomemoments,hegaveittome,andaddedinalowvoice,'Besogoodasreadit,sir.'Ireadasfollows:'Ohwhatwillyoufeelwhenyouseethiswriting,andknowitcomesfrommywickedhand!Buttry,try-notformysake,butforuncle'sgoodness,trytoletyourheartsoftentome,onlyforalittlelittletime!Try,praydo,torelenttowardsamiserablegirl,andwritedownonabitofpaperwhetherheiswell,andwhathesaidaboutmebeforeyouleftoffevernamingmeamongyourselves-andwhether,ofanight,whenitismyoldtimeofcominghome,youeverseehimlookasifhethoughtofoneheused
tolovesodear.Oh,myheartisbreakingwhenIthinkaboutit!Iamkneelingdowntoyou,beggingandprayingyounottobeashardwithmeasIdeserve-asIwell,well,knowIdeserve-buttobesogentleandsogood,astowritedownsomethingofhim,andtosendittome.YouneednotcallmeLittle,youneednotcallmebythenameIhavedisgraced;butoh,listentomyagony,andhavemercyonmesofarastowritemesomewordofuncle,never,nevertobeseeninthisworldbymyeyesagain!'Dear,ifyourheartishardtowardsme-justlyhard,Iknow-but,listen,ifitishard,dear,askhimIhavewrongedthemost-himwhosewifeIwastohavebeen-beforeyouquitedecideagainstmypoorpoorprayer!Ifheshouldbesocompassionateastosaythatyoumightwritesomethingformetoread-Ithinkhewould,oh,Ithinkhewould,ifyouwouldonlyaskhim,forhealwayswassobraveandsoforgiving-tellhimthen(butnotelse),thatwhenIhearthewindblowingatnight,Ifeelasifitwaspassingangrilyfromseeinghimanduncle,andwasgoinguptoGodagainstme.TellhimthatifIwastodietomorrow(andoh,ifIwasfit,Iwouldbesogladtodie!)Iwouldblesshimandunclewithmylastwords,andprayforhishappyhomewithmylastbreath!'
Somemoneywasenclosedinthisletteralso.Fivepounds.Itwasuntouchedliketheprevioussum,andherefoldeditinthesameway.Detailedinstructionswereaddedrelativetotheaddressofareply,which,althoughtheybetrayedtheinterventionofseveralhands,andmadeitdifficulttoarriveatanyveryprobableconclusioninreferencetoherplaceofconcealment,madeitatleastnotunlikelythatshehadwrittenfromthatspotwhereshewasstatedtohavebeenseen.'Whatanswerwassent?'IinquiredofMr.Peggotty.'MissisGummidge,'hereturned,'notbeingagoodscholar,sir,Hamkindlydraweditout,andshemadeacopyonit.TheytoldherIwasgonetoseekher,andwhatmypartingwordswas.''Isthatanotherletterinyourhand?'saidI.'It'smoney,sir,'saidMr.Peggotty,unfoldingitalittleway.'Tenpound,yousee.Andwroteinside,"Fromatruefriend,"likethefust.Butthefustwasputunderneaththedoor,andthiscomebythepost,dayaforeyesterday.I'ma-goingtoseekheratthe
post-mark.'Heshowedittome.ItwasatownontheUpperRhine.Hehadfoundout,atYarmouth,someforeigndealerswhoknewthatcountry,andtheyhaddrawnhimarudemaponpaper,whichhecouldverywellunderstand.Helaiditbetweenusonthetable;and,withhischinrestingononehand,trackedhiscourseuponitwiththeother.IaskedhimhowHamwas?Heshookhishead.'Heworks,'hesaid,'asboldasamancan.Hisname'sasgood,inallthatpart,asanyman'sis,anywheresinthewureld.Anyone'shandisreadytohelphim,youunderstand,andhisisreadytohelpthem.He'sneverbeenheerdfurtocomplain.Butmysister'sbeliefis('twixtourselves)asithascuthimdeep.''Poorfellow,Icanbelieveit!''Heain'tnocare,Mas'rDavy,'saidMr.Peggottyinasolemnwhisper-'kindernocareno-howforhislife.Whenaman'swantedforroughsarviceinroughweather,he'stheer.Whenthere'sharddutytobedonewithdangerinit,hestepsfor'ardaforeallhis
mates.Andyethe'sasgentleasanychild.Thereain'tachildinYarmouththatdoen'tknowhim.'Hegatheredupthelettersthoughtfully,smoothingthemwithhishand;putthemintotheirlittlebundle;andplacedittenderlyinhisbreastagain.Thefacewasgonefromthedoor.Istillsawthesnowdriftingin;butnothingelsewasthere.'Well!'hesaid,lookingtohisbag,'havingseenyoutonight,Mas'rDavy(andthatdoosmegood!),Ishallawaybetimestomorrowmorning.YouhaveseenwhatI'vegotheer';puttinghishandonwherethelittlepacketlay;'allthattroublesmeis,tothinkthatanyharmmightcometome,aforethatmoneywasgiveback.IfIwastodie,anditwaslost,orstole,orelsewaysmadeawaywith,anditwasneverknow'dbyhimbutwhatI'dtookit,Ibelievethet'otherwureldwouldn'tholdme!IbelieveImustcomeback!'Herose,andIrosetoo;wegraspedeachotherbythehandagain,beforegoingout.'I'dgotenthousandmile,'hesaid,'I'dgotillIdroppeddead,tolaythatmoneydownaforehim.IfIdothat,andfindmyEm'ly,
I'mcontent.IfIdoen'tfindher,maybeshe'llcometohear,sometime,asherlovinguncleonlyendedhissearchforherwhenheendedhislife;andifIknowher,eventhatwillturnherhomeatlast!'Ashewentoutintotherigorousnight,Isawthelonelyfigureflitawaybeforeus.Iturnedhimhastilyonsomepretence,andheldhiminconversationuntilitwasgone.Hespokeofatraveller'shouseontheDoverRoad,whereheknewhecouldfindaclean,plainlodgingforthenight.IwentwithhimoverWestminsterBridge,andpartedfromhimontheSurreyshore.Everythingseemed,tomyimagination,tobehushedinreverenceforhim,asheresumedhissolitaryjourneythroughthesnow.Ireturnedtotheinnyard,and,impressedbymyremembranceoftheface,lookedawfullyaroundforit.Itwasnotthere.Thesnowhadcoveredourlatefootprints;mynewtrackwastheonlyonetobeseen;andeventhatbegantodieaway(itsnowedsofast)asIlookedbackovermyshoulder.CHAPTER41
DORA'SAUNTSAtlast,ananswercamefromthetwooldladies.TheypresentedtheircomplimentstoMr.Copperfield,andinformedhimthattheyhadgivenhislettertheirbestconsideration,'withaviewtothehappinessofbothparties'-whichIthoughtratheranalarmingexpression,notonlybecauseoftheusetheyhadmadeofitinrelationtothefamilydifferencebefore-mentioned,butbecauseIhad(andhaveallmylife)observedthatconventionalphrasesareasortoffireworks,easilyletoff,andliabletotakeagreatvarietyofshapesandcoloursnotatallsuggestedbytheiroriginalform.TheMissesSpenlowaddedthattheybeggedtoforbearexpressing,'throughthemediumofcorrespondence',anopiniononthesubjectofMr.Copperfield'scommunication;butthatifMr.Copperfieldwoulddothemthefavourtocall,uponacertainday(accompanied,ifhethoughtproper,byaconfidentialfriend),theywouldbehappytoholdsomeconversationonthesubject.Tothisfavour,Mr.Copperfieldimmediatelyreplied,withhisrespectfulcompliments,thathewouldhavethehonourofwaitingontheMissesSpenlow,atthetimeappointed;accompanied,inaccordancewiththeirkindpermission,byhisfriendMr.Thomas
TraddlesoftheInnerTemple.Havingdispatchedwhichmissive,Mr.Copperfieldfellintoaconditionofstrongnervousagitation;andsoremaineduntilthedayarrived.Itwasagreataugmentationofmyuneasinesstobebereaved,atthiseventfulcrisis,oftheinestimableservicesofMissMills.ButMr.Mills,whowasalwaysdoingsomethingorothertoannoyme-orIfeltasifhewere,whichwasthesamething-hadbroughthisconducttoaclimax,bytakingitintohisheadthathewouldgotoIndia.WhyshouldhegotoIndia,excepttoharassme?Tobesurehehadnothingtodowithanyotherpartoftheworld,andhadagooddealtodowiththatpart;beingentirelyintheIndiatrade,whateverthatwas(Ihadfloatingdreamsmyselfconcerninggoldenshawlsandelephants'teeth);havingbeenatCalcuttainhisyouth;anddesigningnowtogooutthereagain,inthecapacityofresidentpartner.Butthiswasnothingtome.However,itwassomuchtohimthatforIndiahewasbound,andJuliawithhim;andJuliawentintothecountrytotakeleaveofherrelations;andthehousewasputintoaperfectsuitofbills,announcingthatitwastobeletorsold,andthatthefurniture(Mangleandall)wastobetakenatavaluation.So,herewasanotherearthquakeofwhichIbecamethesport,beforeIhadrecoveredfromtheshockofitspredecessor!
Iwasinseveralmindshowtodressmyselfontheimportantday;beingdividedbetweenmydesiretoappeartoadvantage,andmyapprehensionsofputtingonanythingthatmightimpairmyseverelypracticalcharacterintheeyesoftheMissesSpenlow.Iendeavouredtohitahappymediumbetweenthesetwoextremes;myauntapprovedtheresult;andMr.DickthrewoneofhisshoesafterTraddlesandme,forluck,aswewentdownstairs.ExcellentfellowasIknewTraddlestobe,andwarmlyattachedtohimasIwas,Icouldnothelpwishing,onthatdelicateoccasion,thathehadnevercontractedthehabitofbrushinghishairsoveryupright.Itgavehimasurprisedlook-nottosayahearth-broomykindofexpression-which,myapprehensionswhispered,mightbefataltous.ItookthelibertyofmentioningittoTraddles,aswewerewalkingtoPutney;andsayingthatifheWOULDsmoothitdownalittle-'MydearCopperfield,'saidTraddles,liftingoffhishat,andrubbinghishairallkindsofways,'nothingwouldgivemegreaterpleasure.Butitwon't.'
'Won'tbesmootheddown?'saidI.'No,'saidTraddles.'Nothingwillinduceit.IfIwastocarryahalf-hundred-weightuponit,allthewaytoPutney,itwouldbeupagainthemomenttheweightwastakenoff.Youhavenoideawhatobstinatehairmineis,Copperfield.Iamquiteafretfulporcupine.'Iwasalittledisappointed,Imustconfess,butthoroughlycharmedbyhisgood-naturetoo.ItoldhimhowIesteemedhisgood-nature;andsaidthathishairmusthavetakenalltheobstinacyoutofhischaracter,forhehadnone.'Oh!'returnedTraddles,laughing.'Iassureyou,it'squiteanoldstory,myunfortunatehair.Myuncle'swifecouldn'tbearit.Shesaiditexasperatedher.Itstoodverymuchinmyway,too,whenIfirstfellinlovewithSophy.Verymuch!''Didsheobjecttoit?''SHEdidn't,'rejoinedTraddles;'buthereldestsister-theonethat'stheBeauty-quitemadegameofit,Iunderstand.Infact,allthesisterslaughatit.'
'Agreeable!'saidI.'Yes,'returnedTraddleswithperfectinnocence,'it'sajokeforus.TheypretendthatSophyhasalockofitinherdesk,andisobligedtoshutitinaclaspedbook,tokeepitdown.Welaughaboutit.''Bytheby,mydearTraddles,'saidI,'yourexperiencemaysuggestsomethingtome.Whenyoubecameengagedtotheyoungladywhomyouhavejustmentioned,didyoumakearegularproposaltoherfamily?Wasthereanythinglike-whatwearegoingthroughtoday,forinstance?'Iadded,nervously.'Why,'repliedTraddles,onwhoseattentivefaceathoughtfulshadehadstolen,'itwasratherapainfultransaction,Copperfield,inmycase.Yousee,Sophybeingofsomuchuseinthefamily,noneofthemcouldendurethethoughtofhereverbeingmarried.Indeed,theyhadquitesettledamongthemselvesthatsheneverwastobemarried,andtheycalledhertheoldmaid.Accordingly,whenImentionedit,withthegreatestprecaution,toMrs.Crewler-''Themama?'saidI.
'Themama,'saidTraddles-'ReverendHoraceCrewler-whenImentioneditwitheverypossibleprecautiontoMrs.Crewler,theeffectuponherwassuchthatshegaveascreamandbecameinsensible.Icouldn'tapproachthesubjectagain,formonths.''Youdidatlast?'saidI.'Well,theReverendHoracedid,'saidTraddles.'Heisanexcellentman,mostexemplaryineveryway;andhepointedouttoherthatsheought,asaChristian,toreconcileherselftothesacrifice(especiallyasitwassouncertain),andtobearnouncharitablefeelingtowardsme.Astomyself,Copperfield,Igiveyoumyword,Ifeltaperfectbirdofpreytowardsthefamily.''Thesisterstookyourpart,Ihope,Traddles?''Why,Ican'tsaytheydid,'hereturned.'WhenwehadcomparativelyreconciledMrs.Crewlertoit,wehadtobreakittoSarah.YourecollectmymentioningSarah,astheonethathassomethingthematterwithherspine?''Perfectly!'
'Sheclenchedbothherhands,'saidTraddles,lookingatmeindismay;'shuthereyes;turnedlead-colour;becameperfectlystiff;andtooknothingfortwodaysbuttoast-and-water,administeredwithatea-spoon.''Whataveryunpleasantgirl,Traddles!'Iremarked.'Oh,Ibegyourpardon,Copperfield!'saidTraddles.'Sheisaverycharminggirl,butshehasagreatdealoffeeling.Infact,theyallhave.Sophytoldmeafterwards,thattheself-reproachsheunderwentwhileshewasinattendanceuponSarah,nowordscoulddescribe.Iknowitmusthavebeensevere,bymyownfeelings,Copperfield;whichwerelikeacriminal's.AfterSarahwasrestored,westillhadtobreakittotheothereight;anditproducedvariouseffectsuponthemofamostpatheticnature.Thetwolittleones,whomSophyeducates,haveonlyjustleftoffde-testingme.''Atanyrate,theyareallreconciledtoitnow,Ihope?'saidI.'Ye-yes,Ishouldsaytheywere,onthewhole,resignedtoit,'saidTraddles,doubtfully.'Thefactis,weavoidmentioningthe
subject;andmyunsettledprospectsandindifferentcircumstancesareagreatconsolationtothem.Therewillbeadeplorablescene,wheneverwearemarried.Itwillbemuchmorelikeafuneral,thanawedding.Andthey'llallhatemefortakingheraway!'Hishonestface,ashelookedatmewithaserio-comicshakeofhishead,impressesmemoreintheremembrancethanitdidinthereality,forIwasbythistimeinastateofsuchexcessivetrepidationandwanderingofmind,astobequiteunabletofixmyattentiononanything.OnourapproachingthehousewheretheMissesSpenlowlived,Iwasatsuchadiscountinrespectofmypersonallooksandpresenceofmind,thatTraddlesproposedagentlestimulantintheformofaglassofale.Thishavingbeenadministeredataneighbouringpublic-house,heconductedme,withtotteringsteps,totheMissesSpenlow'sdoor.Ihadavaguesensationofbeing,asitwere,onview,whenthemaidopenedit;andofwavering,somehow,acrossahallwithaweather-glassinit,intoaquietlittledrawing-roomontheground-floor,commandinganeatgarden.Alsoofsittingdownhere,onasofa,andseeingTraddles'shairstartup,nowhishatwasremoved,likeoneofthoseobtrusivelittlefiguresmadeofsprings,thatflyoutoffictitioussnuff-boxeswhenthelidis
takenoff.Alsoofhearinganold-fashionedclocktickingawayonthechimney-piece,andtryingtomakeitkeeptimetothejerkingofmyheart,-whichitwouldn't.AlsooflookingroundtheroomforanysignofDora,andseeingnone.AlsoofthinkingthatJiponcebarkedinthedistance,andwasinstantlychokedbysomebody.UltimatelyIfoundmyselfbackingTraddlesintothefireplace,andbowingingreatconfusiontotwodrylittleelderlyladies,dressedinblack,andeachlookingwonderfullylikeapreparationinchiportanofthelateMr.Spenlow.'Pray,'saidoneofthetwolittleladies,'beseated.'WhenIhaddonetumblingoverTraddles,andhadsatuponsomethingwhichwasnotacat-myfirstseatwas-Isofarrecoveredmysight,astoperceivethatMr.Spenlowhadevidentlybeentheyoungestofthefamily;thattherewasadisparityofsixoreightyearsbetweenthetwosisters;andthattheyoungerappearedtobethemanageroftheconference,inasmuchasshehadmyletterinherhand-sofamiliarasitlookedtome,andyetsoodd!-andwasreferringtoitthroughaneye-glass.Theyweredressedalike,butthissisterworeherdresswithamoreyouthfulairthantheother;andperhapshadatriflemorefrill,ortucker,orbrooch,orbracelet,orsomelittlethingofthatkind,whichmadeherlook
morelively.Theywerebothuprightintheircarriage,formal,precise,composed,andquiet.Thesisterwhohadnotmyletter,hadherarmscrossedonherbreast,andrestingoneachother,likeanIdol.'Mr.Copperfield,Ibelieve,'saidthesisterwhohadgotmyletter,addressingherselftoTraddles.Thiswasafrightfulbeginning.TraddleshadtoindicatethatIwasMr.Copperfield,andIhadtolayclaimtomyself,andtheyhadtodivestthemselvesofapreconceivedopinionthatTraddleswasMr.Copperfield,andaltogetherwewereinanicecondition.Toimproveit,wealldistinctlyheardJipgivetwoshortbarks,andreceiveanotherchoke.'Mr.Copperfield!'saidthesisterwiththeletter.Ididsomething-bowed,Isuppose-andwasallattention,whentheothersisterstruckin.'MysisterLavinia,'saidshe'beingconversantwithmattersofthisnature,willstatewhatweconsidermostcalculatedtopromotethehappinessofbothparties.'
IdiscoveredafterwardsthatMissLaviniawasanauthorityinaffairsoftheheart,byreasonoftherehavingancientlyexistedacertainMr.Pidger,whoplayedshortwhist,andwassupposedtohavebeenenamouredofher.Myprivateopinionis,thatthiswasentirelyagratuitousassumption,andthatPidgerwasaltogetherinnocentofanysuchsentiments-towhichhehadnevergivenanysortofexpressionthatIcouldeverhearof.BothMissLaviniaandMissClarissahadasuperstition,however,thathewouldhavedeclaredhispassion,ifhehadnotbeencutshortinhisyouth(ataboutsixty)byover-drinkinghisconstitution,andover-doinganattempttosetitrightagainbyswillingBathwater.Theyhadalurkingsuspicioneven,thathediedofsecretlove;thoughImustsaytherewasapictureofhiminthehousewithadamasknose,whichconcealmentdidnotappeartohaveeverpreyedupon.'Wewillnot,'saidMissLavinia,'enteronthepasthistoryofthismatter.OurpoorbrotherFrancis'sdeathhascancelledthat.''Wehadnot,'saidMissClarissa,'beeninthehabitoffrequentassociationwithourbrotherFrancis;buttherewasnodecideddivisionordisunionbetweenus.Francistookhisroad;wetookours.Weconsidereditconducivetothehappinessofallparties
thatitshouldbeso.Anditwasso.'Eachofthesistersleanedalittleforwardtospeak,shookherheadafterspeaking,andbecameuprightagainwhensilent.MissClarissanevermovedherarms.Shesometimesplayedtunesuponthemwithherfingers-minuetsandmarchesIshouldthink-butnevermovedthem.'Ourniece'sposition,orsupposedposition,ismuchchangedbyourbrotherFrancis'sdeath,'saidMissLavinia;'andthereforeweconsiderourbrother'sopinionsasregardedherpositionasbeingchangedtoo.Wehavenoreasontodoubt,Mr.Copperfield,thatyouareayounggentlemanpossessedofgoodqualitiesandhonourablecharacter;orthatyouhaveanaffection-orarefullypersuadedthatyouhaveanaffection-forourniece.'Ireplied,asIusuallydidwheneverIhadachance,thatnobodyhadeverlovedanybodyelseasIlovedDora.Traddlescametomyassistancewithaconfirmatorymurmur.MissLaviniawasgoingontomakesomerejoinder,whenMissClarissa,whoappearedtobeincessantlybesetbyadesiretorefertoherbrotherFrancis,struckinagain:
'IfDora'smama,'shesaid,'whenshemarriedourbrotherFrancis,hadatoncesaidthattherewasnotroomforthefamilyatthedinner-table,itwouldhavebeenbetterforthehappinessofallparties.''SisterClarissa,'saidMissLavinia.'Perhapsweneedn'tmindthatnow.''SisterLavinia,'saidMissClarissa,'itbelongstothesubject.Withyourbranchofthesubject,onwhichaloneyouarecompetenttospeak,Ishouldnotthinkofinterfering.OnthisbranchofthesubjectIhaveavoiceandanopinion.Itwouldhavebeenbetterforthehappinessofallparties,ifDora'smama,whenshemarriedourbrotherFrancis,hadmentionedplainlywhatherintentionswere.Weshouldthenhaveknownwhatwehadtoexpect.Weshouldhavesaid"Praydonotinviteus,atanytime";andallpossibilityofmisunderstandingwouldhavebeenavoided.'WhenMissClarissahadshakenherhead,MissLaviniaresumed:againreferringtomyletterthroughhereye-glass.Theybothhadlittlebrightroundtwinklingeyes,bytheway,whichwerelikebirds'eyes.Theywerenotunlikebirds,altogether;havingasharp,
brisk,suddenmanner,andalittleshort,sprucewayofadjustingthemselves,likecanaries.MissLavinia,asIhavesaid,resumed:'YouaskpermissionofmysisterClarissaandmyself,Mr.Copperfield,tovisithere,astheacceptedsuitorofourniece.''IfourbrotherFrancis,'saidMissClarissa,breakingoutagain,ifImaycallanythingsocalmabreakingout,'wishedtosurroundhimselfwithanatmosphereofDoctors'Commons,andofDoctors'Commonsonly,whatrightordesirehadwetoobject?None,Iamsure.Wehaveeverbeenfarfromwishingtoobtrudeourselvesonanyone.Butwhynotsayso?LetourbrotherFrancisandhiswifehavetheirsociety.LetmysisterLaviniaandmyselfhaveoursociety.Wecanfinditforourselves,Ihope.'AsthisappearedtobeaddressedtoTraddlesandme,bothTraddlesandImadesomesortofreply.Traddleswasinaudible.IthinkIobserved,myself,thatitwashighlycreditabletoallconcerned.Idon'tintheleastknowwhatImeant.'SisterLavinia,'saidMissClarissa,havingnowrelievedhermind,
'youcangoon,mydear.'MissLaviniaproceeded:'Mr.Copperfield,mysisterClarissaandIhavebeenverycarefulindeedinconsideringthisletter;andwehavenotconsidereditwithoutfinallyshowingittoourniece,anddiscussingitwithourniece.Wehavenodoubtthatyouthinkyoulikeherverymuch.''Think,ma'am,'Irapturouslybegan,'oh!-'ButMissClarissagivingmealook(justlikeasharpcanary),asrequestingthatIwouldnotinterrupttheoracle,Ibeggedpardon.'Affection,'saidMissLavinia,glancingathersisterforcorroboration,whichshegaveintheformofalittlenodtoeveryclause,'matureaffection,homage,devotion,doesnoteasilyexpressitself.Itsvoiceislow.Itismodestandretiring,itliesinambush,waitsandwaits.Suchisthematurefruit.Sometimesalifeglidesaway,andfindsitstillripeningintheshade.'OfcourseIdidnotunderstandthenthatthiswasanallusionto
hersupposedexperienceofthestrickenPidger;butIsaw,fromthegravitywithwhichMissClarissanoddedherhead,thatgreatweightwasattachedtothesewords.'Thelight-forIcallthem,incomparisonwithsuchsentiments,thelight-inclinationsofveryyoungpeople,'pursuedMissLavinia,'aredust,comparedtorocks.Itisowingtothedifficultyofknowingwhethertheyarelikelytoendureorhaveanyrealfoundation,thatmysisterClarissaandmyselfhavebeenveryundecidedhowtoact,Mr.Copperfield,andMr.-''Traddles,'saidmyfriend,findinghimselflookedat.'Ibegpardon.OftheInnerTemple,Ibelieve?'saidMissClarissa,againglancingatmyletter.Traddlessaid'Exactlyso,'andbecameprettyredintheface.Now,althoughIhadnotreceivedanyexpressencouragementasyet,IfanciedthatIsawinthetwolittlesisters,andparticularlyinMissLavinia,anintensifiedenjoymentofthisnewandfruitfulsubjectofdomesticinterest,asettlingdowntomakethemostofit,adispositiontopetit,inwhichtherewasagoodbrightray
ofhope.IthoughtIperceivedthatMissLaviniawouldhaveuncommonsatisfactioninsuperintendingtwoyounglovers,likeDoraandme;andthatMissClarissawouldhavehardlylesssatisfactioninseeinghersuperintendus,andinchiminginwithherownparticulardepartmentofthesubjectwheneverthatimpulsewasstronguponher.ThisgavemecouragetoprotestmostvehementlythatIlovedDorabetterthanIcouldtell,oranyonebelieve;thatallmyfriendsknewhowIlovedher;thatmyaunt,Agnes,Traddles,everyonewhoknewme,knewhowIlovedher,andhowearnestmylovehadmademe.Forthetruthofthis,IappealedtoTraddles.AndTraddles,firingupasifhewereplungingintoaParliamentaryDebate,reallydidcomeoutnobly:confirmingmeingoodroundterms,andinaplainsensiblepracticalmanner,thatevidentlymadeafavourableimpression.'Ispeak,ifImaypresumetosayso,asonewhohassomelittleexperienceofsuchthings,'saidTraddles,'beingmyselfengagedtoayounglady-oneoften,downinDevonshire-andseeingnoprobability,atpresent,ofourengagementcomingtoatermination.''YoumaybeabletoconfirmwhatIhavesaid,Mr.Traddles,'observedMissLavinia,evidentlytakinganewinterestinhim,'of
theaffectionthatismodestandretiring;thatwaitsandwaits?''Entirely,ma'am,'saidTraddles.MissClarissalookedatMissLavinia,andshookherheadgravely.MissLavinialookedconsciouslyatMissClarissa,andheavedalittlesigh.'SisterLavinia,'saidMissClarissa,'takemysmelling-bottle.'MissLaviniarevivedherselfwithafewwhiffsofaromaticvinegar-TraddlesandIlookingonwithgreatsolicitudethewhile;andthenwentontosay,ratherfaintly:'Mysisterandmyselfhavebeeningreatdoubt,Mr.Traddles,whatcourseweoughttotakeinreferencetothelikings,orimaginarylikings,ofsuchveryyoungpeopleasyourfriendMr.Copperfieldandourniece.''OurbrotherFrancis'schild,'remarkedMissClarissa.'IfourbrotherFrancis'swifehadfounditconvenientinherlifetime(thoughshehadanunquestionablerighttoactasshethoughtbest)toinvitethefamilytoherdinner-table,wemighthaveknownourbrotherFrancis'schildbetteratthepresentmoment.Sister
Lavinia,proceed.'MissLaviniaturnedmyletter,soastobringthesuperscriptiontowardsherself,andreferredthroughhereye-glasstosomeorderly-lookingnotesshehadmadeonthatpartofit.'Itseemstous,'saidshe,'prudent,Mr.Traddles,tobringthesefeelingstothetestofourownobservation.Atpresentweknownothingofthem,andarenotinasituationtojudgehowmuchrealitytheremaybeinthem.ThereforeweareinclinedsofartoaccedetoMr.Copperfield'sproposal,astoadmithisvisitshere.''Ishallnever,dearladies,'Iexclaimed,relievedofanimmenseloadofapprehension,'forgetyourkindness!''But,'pursuedMissLavinia,-'but,wewouldprefertoregardthosevisits,Mr.Traddles,asmade,atpresent,tous.WemustguardourselvesfromrecognizinganypositiveengagementbetweenMr.Copperfieldandourniece,untilwehavehadanopportunity-''UntilYOUhavehadanopportunity,sisterLavinia,'saidMissClarissa.
'Beitso,'assentedMissLavinia,withasigh-'untilIhavehadanopportunityofobservingthem.''Copperfield,'saidTraddles,turningtome,'youfeel,Iamsure,thatnothingcouldbemorereasonableorconsiderate.''Nothing!'criedI.'Iamdeeplysensibleofit.''Inthispositionofaffairs,'saidMissLavinia,againreferringtohernotes,'andadmittinghisvisitsonthisunderstandingonly,wemustrequirefromMr.Copperfieldadistinctassurance,onhiswordofhonour,thatnocommunicationofanykindshalltakeplacebetweenhimandourniecewithoutourknowledge.Thatnoprojectwhatevershallbeentertainedwithregardtoourniece,withoutbeingfirstsubmittedtous-''Toyou,sisterLavinia,'MissClarissainterposed.'Beitso,Clarissa!'assentedMissLaviniaresignedly-'tome-andreceivingourconcurrence.Wemustmakethisamostexpressandseriousstipulation,nottobebrokenonanyaccount.WewishedMr.Copperfieldtobeaccompaniedbysomeconfidentialfriendtoday,'withaninclinationofherheadtowardsTraddles,whobowed,'inorderthattheremightbenodoubtormisconception
onthissubject.IfMr.Copperfield,orifyou,Mr.Traddles,feeltheleastscruple,ingivingthispromise,Ibegyoutotaketimetoconsiderit.'Iexclaimed,inastateofhighecstaticfervour,thatnotamoment'sconsiderationcouldbenecessary.Iboundmyselfbytherequiredpromise,inamostimpassionedmanner;calleduponTraddlestowitnessit;anddenouncedmyselfasthemostatrociousofcharactersifIeverswervedfromitintheleastdegree.'Stay!'saidMissLavinia,holdingupherhand;'weresolved,beforewehadthepleasureofreceivingyoutwogentlemen,toleaveyoualoneforaquarterofanhour,toconsiderthispoint.Youwillallowustoretire.'Itwasinvainformetosaythatnoconsiderationwasnecessary.Theypersistedinwithdrawingforthespecifiedtime.Accordingly,theselittlebirdshoppedoutwithgreatdignity;leavingmetoreceivethecongratulationsofTraddles,andtofeelasifIweretranslatedtoregionsofexquisitehappiness.Exactlyattheexpirationofthequarterofanhour,theyreappearedwithnolessdignitythantheyhaddisappeared.Theyhadgonerustlingawayasiftheirlittledressesweremadeofautumn-leaves:andtheycame
rustlingback,inlikemanner.Ithenboundmyselfoncemoretotheprescribedconditions.'SisterClarissa,'saidMissLavinia,'therestiswithyou.'MissClarissa,unfoldingherarmsforthefirsttime,tookthenotesandglancedatthem.'Weshallbehappy,'saidMissClarissa,'toseeMr.Copperfieldtodinner,everySunday,ifitshouldsuithisconvenience.Ourhouristhree.'Ibowed.'Inthecourseoftheweek,'saidMissClarissa,'weshallbehappytoseeMr.Copperfieldtotea.Ourhourishalf-pastsix.'Ibowedagain.'Twiceintheweek,'saidMissClarissa,'but,asarule,notoftener.'
Ibowedagain.'MissTrotwood,'saidMissClarissa,'mentionedinMr.Copperfield'sletter,willperhapscalluponus.Whenvisitingisbetterforthehappinessofallparties,wearegladtoreceivevisits,andreturnthem.Whenitisbetterforthehappinessofallpartiesthatnovisitingshouldtakeplace,(asinthecaseofourbrotherFrancis,andhisestablishment)thatisquitedifferent.'Iintimatedthatmyauntwouldbeproudanddelightedtomaketheiracquaintance;thoughImustsayIwasnotquitesureoftheirgettingonverysatisfactorilytogether.Theconditionsbeingnowclosed,Iexpressedmyacknowledgementsinthewarmestmanner;and,takingthehand,firstofMissClarissa,andthenofMissLavinia,pressedit,ineachcase,tomylips.MissLaviniathenarose,andbeggingMr.Traddlestoexcuseusforaminute,requestedmetofollowher.Iobeyed,allinatremble,andwasconductedintoanotherroom.ThereIfoundmyblesseddarlingstoppingherearsbehindthedoor,withherdearlittlefaceagainstthewall;andJipintheplate-warmerwithhisheadtiedupinatowel.
Oh!Howbeautifulshewasinherblackfrock,andhowshesobbedandcriedatfirst,andwouldn'tcomeoutfrombehindthedoor!Howfondwewereofoneanother,whenshedidcomeoutatlast;andwhatastateofblissIwasin,whenwetookJipoutoftheplate-warmer,andrestoredhimtothelight,sneezingverymuch,andwereallthreereunited!'MydearestDora!Now,indeed,myownforever!''Oh,DON'T!'pleadedDora.'Please!''Areyounotmyownforever,Dora?''Ohyes,ofcourseIam!'criedDora,'butIamsofrightened!''Frightened,myown?''Ohyes!Idon'tlikehim,'saidDora.'Whydon'thego?''Who,mylife?''Yourfriend,'saidDora.'Itisn'tanybusinessofhis.Whata
stupidhemustbe!''Mylove!'(Thereneverwasanythingsocoaxingasherchildishways.)'Heisthebestcreature!''Oh,butwedon'twantanybestcreatures!'poutedDora.'Mydear,'Iargued,'youwillsoonknowhimwell,andlikehimofallthings.Andhereismyauntcomingsoon;andyou'lllikeherofallthingstoo,whenyouknowher.''No,pleasedon'tbringher!'saidDora,givingmeahorrifiedlittlekiss,andfoldingherhands.'Don't.Iknowshe'sanaughty,mischief-makingoldthing!Don'tlethercomehere,Doady!'whichwasacorruptionofDavid.Remonstrancewasofnouse,then;soIlaughed,andadmired,andwasverymuchinloveandveryhappy;andsheshowedmeJip'snewtrickofstandingonhishindlegsinacorner-whichhedidforaboutthespaceofaflashoflightning,andthenfelldown-andIdon'tknowhowlongIshouldhavestayedthere,obliviousofTraddles,ifMissLaviniahadnotcomeintotakemeaway.MissLaviniawasveryfondofDora(shetoldmeDorawasexactlylike
whatshehadbeenherselfatherage-shemusthavealteredagooddeal),andshetreatedDorajustasifshehadbeenatoy.IwantedtopersuadeDoratocomeandseeTraddles,butonmyproposingitsheranofftoherownroomandlockedherselfin;soIwenttoTraddleswithouther,andwalkedawaywithhimonair.'Nothingcouldbemoresatisfactory,'saidTraddles;'andtheyareveryagreeableoldladies,Iamsure.Ishouldn'tbeatallsurprisedifyouweretobemarriedyearsbeforeme,Copperfield.''DoesyourSophyplayonanyinstrument,Traddles?'Iinquired,intheprideofmyheart.'Sheknowsenoughofthepianototeachittoherlittlesisters,'saidTraddles.'Doesshesingatall?'Iasked.'Why,shesingsballads,sometimes,tofreshenuptheothersalittlewhenthey'reoutofspirits,'saidTraddles.'Nothingscientific.''Shedoesn'tsingtotheguitar?'saidI.
'Ohdearno!'saidTraddles.'Paintatall?''Notatall,'saidTraddles.IpromisedTraddlesthatheshouldhearDorasing,andseesomeofherflower-painting.Hesaidheshouldlikeitverymuch,andwewenthomearminarmingreatgoodhumouranddelight.IencouragedhimtotalkaboutSophy,ontheway;whichhedidwithalovingrelianceonherthatIverymuchadmired.IcomparedherinmymindwithDora,withconsiderableinwardsatisfaction;butIcandidlyadmittedtomyselfthatsheseemedtobeanexcellentkindofgirlforTraddles,too.Ofcoursemyauntwasimmediatelymadeacquaintedwiththesuccessfulissueoftheconference,andwithallthathadbeensaidanddoneinthecourseofit.Shewashappytoseemesohappy,andpromisedtocallonDora'sauntswithoutlossoftime.Butshetooksuchalongwalkupanddownourroomsthatnight,whileIwaswritingtoAgnes,thatIbegantothinkshemeanttowalktillmorning.
MylettertoAgneswasaferventandgratefulone,narratingallthegoodeffectsthathadresultedfrommyfollowingheradvice.Shewrote,byreturnofpost,tome.Herletterwashopeful,earnest,andcheerful.Shewasalwayscheerfulfromthattime.Ihadmyhandsmorefullthanever,now.MydailyjourneystoHighgateconsidered,Putneywasalongwayoff;andInaturallywantedtogothereasoftenasIcould.Theproposedtea-drinkingsbeingquiteimpracticable,IcompoundedwithMissLaviniaforpermissiontovisiteverySaturdayafternoon,withoutdetrimenttomyprivilegedSundays.So,thecloseofeveryweekwasadelicioustimeforme;andIgotthroughtherestoftheweekbylookingforwardtoit.IwaswonderfullyrelievedtofindthatmyauntandDora'sauntsrubbedon,allthingsconsidered,muchmoresmoothlythanIcouldhaveexpected.Myauntmadeherpromisedvisitwithinafewdaysoftheconference;andwithinafewmoredays,Dora'sauntscalleduponher,induestateandform.Similarbutmorefriendlyexchangestookplaceafterwards,usuallyatintervalsofthreeorfourweeks.IknowthatmyauntdistressedDora'sauntsverymuch,byutterlysettingatnaughtthedignityoffly-conveyance,and
walkingouttoPutneyatextraordinarytimes,asshortlyafterbreakfastorjustbeforetea;likewisebywearingherbonnetinanymannerthathappenedtobecomfortabletoherhead,withoutatalldeferringtotheprejudicesofcivilizationonthatsubject.ButDora'sauntssoonagreedtoregardmyauntasaneccentricandsomewhatmasculinelady,withastrongunderstanding;andalthoughmyauntoccasionallyruffledthefeathersofDora'saunts,byexpressinghereticalopinionsonvariouspointsofceremony,shelovedmetoowellnottosacrificesomeofherlittlepeculiaritiestothegeneralharmony.Theonlymemberofoursmallsocietywhopositivelyrefusedtoadapthimselftocircumstances,wasJip.Heneversawmyauntwithoutimmediatelydisplayingeverytoothinhishead,retiringunderachair,andgrowlingincessantly:withnowandthenadolefulhowl,asifshereallyweretoomuchforhisfeelings.Allkindsoftreatmentweretriedwithhim,coaxing,scolding,slapping,bringinghimtoBuckinghamStreet(whereheinstantlydashedatthetwocats,totheterrorofallbeholders);buthenevercouldprevailuponhimselftobearmyaunt'ssociety.Hewouldsometimesthinkhehadgotthebetterofhisobjection,andbeamiableforafewminutes;andthenwouldputuphissnubnose,andhowltothatextent,thattherewasnothingforitbuttoblind
himandputhimintheplate-warmer.Atlength,Doraregularlymuffledhiminatowelandshuthimupthere,whenevermyauntwasreportedatthedoor.Onethingtroubledmemuch,afterwehadfallenintothisquiettrain.Itwas,thatDoraseemedbyoneconsenttoberegardedlikeaprettytoyorplaything.Myaunt,withwhomshegraduallybecamefamiliar,alwayscalledherLittleBlossom;andthepleasureofMissLavinia'slifewastowaituponher,curlherhair,makeornamentsforher,andtreatherlikeapetchild.WhatMissLaviniadid,hersisterdidasamatterofcourse.Itwasveryoddtome;buttheyallseemedtotreatDora,inherdegree,muchasDoratreatedJipinhis.ImadeupmymindtospeaktoDoraaboutthis;andonedaywhenwewereoutwalking(forwewerelicensedbyMissLavinia,afterawhile,togooutwalkingbyourselves),IsaidtoherthatIwishedshecouldgetthemtobehavetowardsherdifferently.'Becauseyouknow,mydarling,'Iremonstrated,'youarenotachild.''There!'saidDora.'Nowyou'regoingtobecross!'
'Cross,mylove?''Iamsurethey'reverykindtome,'saidDora,'andIamveryhappy-''Well!Butmydearestlife!'saidI,'youmightbeveryhappy,andyetbetreatedrationally.'Doragavemeareproachfullook-theprettiestlook!-andthenbegantosob,saying,ifIdidn'tlikeher,whyhadIeverwantedsomuchtobeengagedtoher?Andwhydidn'tIgoaway,now,ifIcouldn'tbearher?WhatcouldIdo,butkissawayhertears,andtellherhowIdotedonher,afterthat!'IamsureIamveryaffectionate,'saidDora;'yououghtn'ttobecrueltome,Doady!''Cruel,mypreciouslove!AsifIwould-orcould-becrueltoyou,fortheworld!'
'Thendon'tfindfaultwithme,'saidDora,makingarosebudofhermouth;'andI'llbegood.'Iwascharmedbyherpresentlyaskingme,ofherownaccord,togiveherthatcookery-bookIhadoncespokenof,andtoshowherhowtokeepaccountsasIhadoncepromisedIwould.Ibroughtthevolumewithmeonmynextvisit(Igotitprettilybound,first,tomakeitlooklessdryandmoreinviting);andaswestrolledabouttheCommon,Ishowedheranoldhousekeeping-bookofmyaunt's,andgaveherasetoftablets,andaprettylittlepencil-caseandboxofleads,topractisehousekeepingwith.Butthecookery-bookmadeDora'sheadache,andthefiguresmadehercry.Theywouldn'taddup,shesaid.Sosherubbedthemout,anddrewlittlenosegaysandlikenessesofmeandJip,alloverthetablets.ThenIplayfullytriedverbalinstructionindomesticmatters,aswewalkedaboutonaSaturdayafternoon.Sometimes,forexample,whenwepassedabutcher'sshop,Iwouldsay:'Nowsuppose,mypet,thatweweremarried,andyouweregoingtobuyashoulderofmuttonfordinner,wouldyouknowhowtobuyit?'
MyprettylittleDora'sfacewouldfall,andshewouldmakehermouthintoabudagain,asifshewouldverymuchprefertoshutminewithakiss.'Wouldyouknowhowtobuyit,mydarling?'Iwouldrepeat,perhaps,ifIwereveryinflexible.Dorawouldthinkalittle,andthenreply,perhaps,withgreattriumph:'Why,thebutcherwouldknowhowtosellit,andwhatneedIknow?Oh,yousillyboy!'So,whenIonceaskedDora,withaneyetothecookery-book,whatshewoulddo,ifweweremarried,andIweretosayIshouldlikeaniceIrishstew,sherepliedthatshewouldtelltheservanttomakeit;andthenclappedherlittlehandstogetheracrossmyarm,andlaughedinsuchacharmingmannerthatshewasmoredelightfulthanever.Consequently,theprincipalusetowhichthecookery-bookwasdevoted,wasbeingputdowninthecornerforJiptostandupon.
ButDorawassopleased,whenshehadtrainedhimtostanduponitwithoutofferingtocomeoff,andatthesametimetoholdthepencil-caseinhismouth,thatIwasverygladIhadboughtit.Andwefellbackontheguitar-case,andtheflower-painting,andthesongsaboutneverleavingoffdancing,Tarala!andwereashappyastheweekwaslong.IoccasionallywishedIcouldventuretohinttoMissLavinia,thatshetreatedthedarlingofmyheartalittletoomuchlikeaplaything;andIsometimesawoke,asitwere,wonderingtofindthatIhadfallenintothegeneralfault,andtreatedherlikeaplaythingtoo-butnotoften.CHAPTER42MISCHIEFIfeelasifitwerenotformetorecord,eventhoughthismanuscriptisintendedfornoeyesbutmine,howhardIworkedatthattremendousshort-hand,andallimprovementappertainingtoit,inmysenseofresponsibilitytoDoraandheraunts.Iwillonlyadd,towhatIhavealreadywrittenofmyperseveranceatthistimeofmylife,andofapatientandcontinuousenergywhichthenbegantobematuredwithinme,andwhichIknowtobethestrongpartof
mycharacter,ifithaveanystrengthatall,thatthere,onlookingback,Ifindthesourceofmysuccess.Ihavebeenveryfortunateinworldlymatters;manymenhaveworkedmuchharder,andnotsucceededhalfsowell;butInevercouldhavedonewhatIhavedone,withoutthehabitsofpunctuality,order,anddiligence,withoutthedeterminationtoconcentratemyselfononeobjectatatime,nomatterhowquicklyitssuccessorshouldcomeuponitsheels,whichIthenformed.HeavenknowsIwritethis,innospiritofself-laudation.Themanwhoreviewshisownlife,asIdomine,ingoingonhere,frompagetopage,hadneedtohavebeenagoodmanindeed,ifhewouldbesparedthesharpconsciousnessofmanytalentsneglected,manyopportunitieswasted,manyerraticandpervertedfeelingsconstantlyatwarwithinhisbreast,anddefeatinghim.Idonotholdonenaturalgift,Idaresay,thatIhavenotabused.Mymeaningsimplyis,thatwhateverIhavetriedtodoinlife,Ihavetriedwithallmyhearttodowell;thatwhateverIhavedevotedmyselfto,Ihavedevotedmyselftocompletely;thatingreataimsandinsmall,Ihavealwaysbeenthoroughlyinearnest.Ihaveneverbelieveditpossiblethatanynaturalorimprovedabilitycanclaimimmunityfromthecompanionshipofthesteady,plain,hard-workingqualities,andhopetogainitsend.Thereisnosuchthingassuchfulfilmentonthisearth.Somehappytalent,andsomefortunateopportunity,may
formthetwosidesoftheladderonwhichsomemenmount,buttheroundsofthatladdermustbemadeofstufftostandwearandtear;andthereisnosubstituteforthorough-going,ardent,andsincereearnestness.Nevertoputonehandtoanything,onwhichIcouldthrowmywholeself;andnevertoaffectdepreciationofmywork,whateveritwas;Ifind,now,tohavebeenmygoldenrules.HowmuchofthepracticeIhavejustreducedtoprecept,IowetoAgnes,Iwillnotrepeathere.MynarrativeproceedstoAgnes,withathankfullove.ShecameonavisitofafortnighttotheDoctor's.Mr.WickfieldwastheDoctor'soldfriend,andtheDoctorwishedtotalkwithhim,anddohimgood.IthadbeenmatterofconversationwithAgneswhenshewaslastintown,andthisvisitwastheresult.Sheandherfathercametogether.IwasnotmuchsurprisedtohearfromherthatshehadengagedtofindalodgingintheneighbourhoodforMrs.Heep,whoserheumaticcomplaintrequiredchangeofair,andwhowouldbecharmedtohaveitinsuchcompany.NeitherwasIsurprisedwhen,ontheverynextday,Uriah,likeadutifulson,broughthisworthymothertotakepossession.'Yousee,MasterCopperfield,'saidhe,asheforcedhimselfupon
mycompanyforaturnintheDoctor'sgarden,'whereapersonloves,apersonisalittlejealous-leastways,anxioustokeepaneyeonthebelovedone.''Ofwhomareyoujealous,now?'saidI.'Thankstoyou,MasterCopperfield,'hereturned,'ofnooneinparticularjustatpresent-nomaleperson,atleast.''Doyoumeanthatyouarejealousofafemaleperson?'Hegavemeasidelongglanceoutofhissinisterredeyes,andlaughed.'Really,MasterCopperfield,'hesaid,'-IshouldsayMister,butIknowyou'llexcusetheabitI'vegotinto-you'resoinsinuating,thatyoudrawmelikeacorkscrew!Well,Idon'tmindtellingyou,'puttinghisfish-likehandonmine,'I'mnotalady'smaningeneral,sir,andIneverwas,withMrs.Strong.'Hiseyeslookedgreennow,astheywatchedminewitharascallycunning.
'Whatdoyoumean?'saidI.'Why,thoughIamalawyer,MasterCopperfield,'hereplied,withadrygrin,'Imean,justatpresent,whatIsay.''Andwhatdoyoumeanbyyourlook?'Iretorted,quietly.'Bymylook?Dearme,Copperfield,that'ssharppractice!WhatdoImeanbymylook?''Yes,'saidI.'Byyourlook.'Heseemedverymuchamused,andlaughedasheartilyasitwasinhisnaturetolaugh.Aftersomescrapingofhischinwithhishand,hewentontosay,withhiseyescastdownward-stillscraping,veryslowly:'WhenIwasbutanumbleclerk,shealwayslookeddownuponme.ShewasforeverhavingmyAgnesbackwardsandforwardsatherouse,andshewasforeverbeingafriendtoyou,MasterCopperfield;butIwastoofarbeneathher,myself,tobenoticed.''Well?'saidI;'supposeyouwere!'
'-Andbeneathhimtoo,'pursuedUriah,verydistinctly,andinameditativetoneofvoice,ashecontinuedtoscrapehischin.'Don'tyouknowtheDoctorbetter,'saidI,'thantosupposehimconsciousofyourexistence,whenyouwerenotbeforehim?'Hedirectedhiseyesatmeinthatsidelongglanceagain,andhemadehisfaceverylantern-jawed,forthegreaterconvenienceofscraping,asheanswered:'Ohdear,IamnotreferringtotheDoctor!Ohno,poorman!ImeanMr.Maldon!'Myheartquitediedwithinme.Allmyolddoubtsandapprehensionsonthatsubject,alltheDoctor'shappinessandpeace,allthemingledpossibilitiesofinnocenceandcompromise,thatIcouldnotunravel,Isaw,inamoment,atthemercyofthisfellow'stwisting.'Henevercouldcomeintotheoffice,withoutorderingandshovingmeabout,'saidUriah.'Oneofyourfinegentlemenhewas!Iwasverymeekandumble-andIam.ButIdidn'tlikethatsortof
thing-andIdon't!'Heleftoffscrapinghischin,andsuckedinhischeeksuntiltheyseemedtomeetinside;keepinghissidelongglanceuponmeallthewhile.'Sheisoneofyourlovelywomen,sheis,'hepursued,whenhehadslowlyrestoredhisfacetoitsnaturalform;'andreadytobenofriendtosuchasme,Iknow.She'sjustthepersonaswouldputmyAgnesuptohighersortofgame.Now,Iain'toneofyourlady'smen,MasterCopperfield;butI'vehadeyesinmyed,aprettylongtimeback.Weumbleoneshavegoteyes,mostlyspeaking-andwelookoutof'em.'Iendeavouredtoappearunconsciousandnotdisquieted,but,Isawinhisface,withpoorsuccess.'Now,I'mnota-goingtoletmyselfberundown,Copperfield,'hecontinued,raisingthatpartofhiscountenance,wherehisredeyebrowswouldhavebeenifhehadhadany,withmalignanttriumph,'andIshalldowhatIcantoputastoptothisfriendship.Idon'tapproveofit.Idon'tmindacknowledgingtoyouthatI'vegotratheragrudgingdisposition,andwanttokeepoffall
intruders.Iain'ta-going,ifIknowit,toruntheriskofbeingplottedagainst.''Youarealwaysplotting,anddeludeyourselfintothebeliefthateverybodyelseisdoingthelike,Ithink,'saidI.'Perhapsso,MasterCopperfield,'hereplied.'ButI'vegotamotive,asmyfellow-partnerusedtosay;andIgoatittoothandnail.Imustn'tbeputupon,asanumbleperson,toomuch.Ican'tallowpeopleinmyway.Reallytheymustcomeoutofthecart,MasterCopperfield!''Idon'tunderstandyou,'saidI.'Don'tyou,though?'hereturned,withoneofhisjerks.'I'mastonishedatthat,MasterCopperfield,youbeingusuallysoquick!I'lltrytobeplainer,anothertime.-IsthatMr.Maldona-norseback,ringingatthegate,sir?''Itlookslikehim,'Ireplied,ascarelesslyasIcould.Uriahstoppedshort,puthishandsbetweenhisgreatknobsofknees,anddoubledhimselfupwithlaughter.Withperfectlysilent
laughter.Notasoundescapedfromhim.Iwassorepelledbyhisodiousbehaviour,particularlybythisconcludinginstance,thatIturnedawaywithoutanyceremony;andlefthimdoubledupinthemiddleofthegarden,likeascarecrowinwantofsupport.Itwasnotonthatevening;but,asIwellremember,onthenexteveningbutone,whichwasaSunday;thatItookAgnestoseeDora.Ihadarrangedthevisit,beforehand,withMissLavinia;andAgneswasexpectedtotea.Iwasinaflutterofprideandanxiety;prideinmydearlittlebetrothed,andanxietythatAgnesshouldlikeher.AllthewaytoPutney,Agnesbeinginsidethestage-coach,andIoutside,IpicturedDoratomyselfineveryoneoftheprettylooksIknewsowell;nowmakingupmymindthatIshouldlikehertolookexactlyasshelookedatsuchatime,andthendoubtingwhetherIshouldnotpreferherlookingasshelookedatsuchanothertime;andalmostworryingmyselfintoafeveraboutit.Iwastroubledbynodoubtofherbeingverypretty,inanycase;butitfelloutthatIhadneverseenherlooksowell.Shewasnotinthedrawing-roomwhenIpresentedAgnestoherlittleaunts,butwasshylykeepingoutoftheway.Iknewwheretolookfor
her,now;andsureenoughIfoundherstoppingherearsagain,behindthesamedullolddoor.Atfirstshewouldn'tcomeatall;andthenshepleadedforfiveminutesbymywatch.Whenatlengthsheputherarmthroughmine,tobetakentothedrawing-room,hercharminglittlefacewasflushed,andhadneverbeensopretty.But,whenwewentintotheroom,anditturnedpale,shewastenthousandtimesprettieryet.DorawasafraidofAgnes.ShehadtoldmethatsheknewAgneswas'tooclever'.Butwhenshesawherlookingatoncesocheerfulandsoearnest,andsothoughtful,andsogood,shegaveafaintlittlecryofpleasedsurprise,andjustputheraffectionatearmsroundAgnes'sneck,andlaidherinnocentcheekagainstherface.Ineverwassohappy.IneverwassopleasedaswhenIsawthosetwositdowntogether,sidebyside.AswhenIsawmylittledarlinglookingupsonaturallytothosecordialeyes.AswhenIsawthetender,beautifulregardwhichAgnescastuponher.MissLaviniaandMissClarissapartook,intheirway,ofmyjoy.Itwasthepleasantesttea-tableintheworld.MissClarissapresided.Icutandhandedthesweetseed-cake-thelittle
sistershadabird-likefondnessforpickingupseedsandpeckingatsugar;MissLavinialookedonwithbenignantpatronage,asifourhappylovewereallherwork;andwewereperfectlycontentedwithourselvesandoneanother.ThegentlecheerfulnessofAgneswenttoalltheirhearts.HerquietinterestineverythingthatinterestedDora;hermannerofmakingacquaintancewithJip(whorespondedinstantly);herpleasantway,whenDorawasashamedtocomeovertoherusualseatbyme;hermodestgraceandease,elicitingacrowdofblushinglittlemarksofconfidencefromDora;seemedtomakeourcirclequitecomplete.'Iamsoglad,'saidDora,aftertea,'thatyoulikeme.Ididn'tthinkyouwould;andIwant,morethanever,tobeliked,nowJuliaMillsisgone.'Ihaveomittedtomentionit,bytheby.MissMillshadsailed,andDoraandIhadgoneaboardagreatEastIndiamanatGravesendtoseeher;andwehadhadpreservedginger,andguava,andotherdelicaciesofthatsortforlunch;andwehadleftMissMillsweepingonacamp-stoolonthequarter-deck,withalargenewdiaryunderherarm,inwhichtheoriginalreflectionsawakenedbythe
contemplationofOceanweretoberecordedunderlockandkey.AgnessaidshewasafraidImusthavegivenheranunpromisingcharacter;butDoracorrectedthatdirectly.'Ohno!'shesaid,shakinghercurlsatme;'itwasallpraise.Hethinkssomuchofyouropinion,thatIwasquiteafraidofit.''Mygoodopinioncannotstrengthenhisattachmenttosomepeoplewhomheknows,'saidAgnes,withasmile;'itisnotworththeirhaving.''Butpleaseletmehaveit,'saidDora,inhercoaxingway,'ifyoucan!'WemademerryaboutDora'swantingtobeliked,andDorasaidIwasagoose,andshedidn'tlikemeatanyrate,andtheshorteveningflewawayongossamer-wings.Thetimewasathandwhenthecoachwastocallforus.Iwasstandingalonebeforethefire,whenDoracamestealingsoftlyin,togivemethatusualpreciouslittlekissbeforeIwent.'Don'tyouthink,ifIhadhadherforafriendalongtimeago,
Doady,'saidDora,herbrighteyesshiningverybrightly,andherlittlerighthandidlybusyingitselfwithoneofthebuttonsofmycoat,'Imighthavebeenmorecleverperhaps?''Mylove!'saidI,'whatnonsense!''Doyouthinkitisnonsense?'returnedDora,withoutlookingatme.'Areyousureitis?''OfcourseIam!''Ihaveforgotten,'saidDora,stillturningthebuttonroundandround,'whatrelationAgnesistoyou,youdearbadboy.''Noblood-relation,'Ireplied;'butwewerebroughtuptogether,likebrotherandsister.''Iwonderwhyyoueverfellinlovewithme?'saidDora,beginningonanotherbuttonofmycoat.'PerhapsbecauseIcouldn'tseeyou,andnotloveyou,Dora!''Supposeyouhadneverseenmeatall,'saidDora,goingtoanotherbutton.
'Supposewehadneverbeenborn!'saidI,gaily.Iwonderedwhatshewasthinkingabout,asIglancedinadmiringsilenceatthelittlesofthandtravellinguptherowofbuttonsonmycoat,andattheclusteringhairthatlayagainstmybreast,andatthelashesofherdowncasteyes,slightlyrisingastheyfollowedheridlefingers.Atlengthhereyeswerelifteduptomine,andshestoodontiptoetogiveme,morethoughtfullythanusual,thatpreciouslittlekiss-once,twice,threetimes-andwentoutoftheroom.Theyallcamebacktogetherwithinfiveminutesafterwards,andDora'sunusualthoughtfulnesswasquitegonethen.ShewaslaughinglyresolvedtoputJipthroughthewholeofhisperformances,beforethecoachcame.Theytooksometime(notsomuchonaccountoftheirvariety,asJip'sreluctance),andwerestillunfinishedwhenitwasheardatthedoor.TherewasahurriedbutaffectionatepartingbetweenAgnesandherself;andDorawastowritetoAgnes(whowasnottomindherlettersbeingfoolish,shesaid),andAgneswastowritetoDora;andtheyhadasecondpartingatthecoachdoor,andathirdwhenDora,inspiteoftheremonstrancesofMissLavinia,wouldcomerunningoutonce
moretoremindAgnesatthecoachwindowaboutwriting,andtoshakehercurlsatmeonthebox.Thestage-coachwastoputusdownnearCoventGarden,whereweweretotakeanotherstage-coachforHighgate.Iwasimpatientfortheshortwalkintheinterval,thatAgnesmightpraiseDoratome.Ah!whatpraiseitwas!HowlovinglyandferventlydiditcommendtheprettycreatureIhadwon,withallherartlessgracesbestdisplayed,tomymostgentlecare!Howthoughtfullyremindme,yetwithnopretenceofdoingso,ofthetrustinwhichIheldtheorphanchild!Never,never,hadIlovedDorasodeeplyandtruly,asIlovedherthatnight.Whenwehadagainalighted,andwerewalkinginthestarlightalongthequietroadthatledtotheDoctor'shouse,ItoldAgnesitwasherdoing.'Whenyouweresittingbyher,'saidI,'youseemedtobenolessherguardianangelthanmine;andyouseemsonow,Agnes.''Apoorangel,'shereturned,'butfaithful.'Thecleartoneofhervoice,goingstraighttomyheart,madeit
naturaltometosay:'Thecheerfulnessthatbelongstoyou,Agnes(andtonooneelsethateverIhaveseen),issorestored,Ihaveobservedtoday,thatIhavebeguntohopeyouarehappierathome?''Iamhappierinmyself,'shesaid;'Iamquitecheerfulandlight-hearted.'Iglancedattheserenefacelookingupward,andthoughtitwasthestarsthatmadeitseemsonoble.'Therehasbeennochangeathome,'saidAgnes,afterafewmoments.'Nofreshreference,'saidI,'to-Iwouldn'tdistressyou,Agnes,butIcannothelpasking-towhatwespokeof,whenwepartedlast?''No,none,'sheanswered.'Ihavethoughtsomuchaboutit.'
'Youmustthinklessaboutit.RememberthatIconfideinsimpleloveandtruthatlast.Havenoapprehensionsforme,Trotwood,'sheadded,afteramoment;'thestepyoudreadmytaking,Ishallnevertake.'AlthoughIthinkIhadneverreallyfearedit,inanyseasonofcoolreflection,itwasanunspeakablerelieftometohavethisassurancefromherowntruthfullips.Itoldherso,earnestly.'Andwhenthisvisitisover,'saidI,-'forwemaynotbealoneanothertime,-howlongisitlikelytobe,mydearAgnes,beforeyoucometoLondonagain?''Probablyalongtime,'shereplied;'Ithinkitwillbebest-forpapa'ssake-toremainathome.Wearenotlikelytomeetoften,forsometimetocome;butIshallbeagoodcorrespondentofDora's,andweshallfrequentlyhearofoneanotherthatway.'WewerenowwithinthelittlecourtyardoftheDoctor'scottage.Itwasgrowinglate.TherewasalightinthewindowofMrs.Strong'schamber,andAgnes,pointingtoit,bademegoodnight.'Donotbetroubled,'shesaid,givingmeherhand,'byour
misfortunesandanxieties.Icanbehappierinnothingthaninyourhappiness.Ifyoucanevergivemehelp,relyuponitIwillaskyouforit.Godblessyoualways!'Inherbeamingsmile,andintheselasttonesofhercheerfulvoice,IseemedagaintoseeandhearmylittleDorainhercompany.Istoodawhile,lookingthroughtheporchatthestars,withaheartfullofloveandgratitude,andthenwalkedslowlyforth.Ihadengagedabedatadecentalehousecloseby,andwasgoingoutatthegate,when,happeningtoturnmyhead,IsawalightintheDoctor'sstudy.Ahalf-reproachfulfancycameintomymind,thathehadbeenworkingattheDictionarywithoutmyhelp.Withtheviewofseeingifthiswereso,and,inanycase,ofbiddinghimgoodnight,ifhewereyetsittingamonghisbooks,Iturnedback,andgoingsoftlyacrossthehall,andgentlyopeningthedoor,lookedin.ThefirstpersonwhomIsaw,tomysurprise,bythesoberlightoftheshadedlamp,wasUriah.Hewasstandingclosebesideit,withoneofhisskeletonhandsoverhismouth,andtheotherrestingontheDoctor'stable.TheDoctorsatinhisstudychair,coveringhisfacewithhishands.Mr.Wickfield,sorelytroubledanddistressed,wasleaningforward,irresolutelytouchingtheDoctor'sarm.
Foraninstant,IsupposedthattheDoctorwasill.Ihastilyadvancedastepunderthatimpression,whenImetUriah'seye,andsawwhatwasthematter.Iwouldhavewithdrawn,buttheDoctormadeagesturetodetainme,andIremained.'Atanyrate,'observedUriah,withawritheofhisungainlyperson,'wemaykeepthedoorshut.Weneedn'tmakeitknowntoALLthetown.'Sayingwhich,hewentonhistoestothedoor,whichIhadleftopen,andcarefullyclosedit.Hethencameback,andtookuphisformerposition.Therewasanobtrusiveshowofcompassionatezealinhisvoiceandmanner,moreintolerable-atleasttome-thananydemeanourhecouldhaveassumed.'Ihavefeltitincumbentuponme,MasterCopperfield,'saidUriah,'topointouttoDoctorStrongwhatyouandmehavealreadytalkedabout.Youdidn'texactlyunderstandme,though?'Igavehimalook,butnootheranswer;and,goingtomygoodoldmaster,saidafewwordsthatImeanttobewordsofcomfortandencouragement.Heputhishanduponmyshoulder,asithadbeen
hiscustomtodowhenIwasquitealittlefellow,butdidnotlifthisgreyhead.'Asyoudidn'tunderstandme,MasterCopperfield,'resumedUriahinthesameofficiousmanner,'Imaytakethelibertyofumblymentioning,beingamongfriends,thatIhavecalledDoctorStrong'sattentiontothegoings-onofMrs.Strong.It'smuchagainstthegrainwithme,Iassureyou,Copperfield,tobeconcernedinanythingsounpleasant;butreally,asitis,we'reallmixingourselvesupwithwhatoughtn'ttobe.Thatwaswhatmymeaningwas,sir,whenyoudidn'tunderstandme.'Iwondernow,whenIrecallhisleer,thatIdidnotcollarhim,andtrytoshakethebreathoutofhisbody.'IdaresayIdidn'tmakemyselfveryclear,'hewenton,'noryouneither.Naturally,wewasbothofusinclinedtogivesuchasubjectawideberth.Hows'ever,atlastIhavemadeupmymindtospeakplain;andIhavementionedtoDoctorStrongthat-didyouspeak,sir?'ThiswastotheDoctor,whohadmoaned.Thesoundmighthavetouchedanyheart,Ithought,butithadnoeffectuponUriah's.
'-mentionedtoDoctorStrong,'heproceeded,'thatanyonemayseethatMr.Maldon,andthelovelyandagreeableladyasisDoctorStrong'swife,aretoosweetononeanother.Reallythetimeiscome(webeingatpresentallmixingourselvesupwithwhatoughtn'ttobe),whenDoctorStrongmustbetoldthatthiswasfullasplaintoeverybodyasthesun,beforeMr.MaldonwenttoIndia;thatMr.Maldonmadeexcusestocomeback,fornothingelse;andthathe'salwayshere,fornothingelse.Whenyoucomein,sir,Iwasjustputtingittomyfellow-partner,'towardswhomheturned,'tosaytoDoctorStronguponhiswordandhonour,whetherhe'deverbeenofthisopinionlongago,ornot.Come,Mr.Wickfield,sir!Wouldyoubesogoodastellus?Yesorno,sir?Come,partner!''ForGod'ssake,mydearDoctor,'saidMr.WickfieldagainlayinghisirresolutehandupontheDoctor'sarm,'don'tattachtoomuchweighttoanysuspicionsImayhaveentertained.''There!'criedUriah,shakinghishead.'Whatamelancholyconfirmation:ain'tit?Him!Suchanoldfriend!Blessyoursoul,whenIwasnothingbutaclerkinhisoffice,Copperfield,I'veseenhimtwentytimes,ifI'veseenhimonce,quiteinatakingaboutit-quiteputout,youknow(andveryproperinhim
asafather;I'msureIcan'tblamehim),tothinkthatMissAgneswasmixingherselfupwithwhatoughtn'ttobe.''MydearStrong,'saidMr.Wickfieldinatremulousvoice,'mygoodfriend,Ineedn'ttellyouthatithasbeenmyvicetolookforsomeonemastermotiveineverybody,andtotryallactionsbyonenarrowtest.ImayhavefallenintosuchdoubtsasIhavehad,throughthismistake.''Youhavehaddoubts,Wickfield,'saidtheDoctor,withoutliftinguphishead.'Youhavehaddoubts.''Speakup,fellow-partner,'urgedUriah.'Ihad,atonetime,certainly,'saidMr.Wickfield.'I-Godforgiveme-IthoughtYOUhad.''No,no,no!'returnedtheDoctor,inatoneofmostpatheticgrief.'Ithought,atonetime,'saidMr.Wickfield,'thatyouwishedtosendMaldonabroadtoeffectadesirableseparation.''No,no,no!'returnedtheDoctor.'TogiveAnniepleasure,by
makingsomeprovisionforthecompanionofherchildhood.Nothingelse.''SoIfound,'saidMr.Wickfield.'Icouldn'tdoubtit,whenyoutoldmeso.ButIthought-Iimploreyoutorememberthenarrowconstructionwhichhasbeenmybesettingsin-that,inacasewheretherewassomuchdisparityinpointofyears-''That'sthewaytoputit,yousee,MasterCopperfield!'observedUriah,withfawningandoffensivepity.'-aladyofsuchyouth,andsuchattractions,howeverrealherrespectforyou,mighthavebeeninfluencedinmarrying,byworldlyconsiderationsonly.Imakenoallowanceforinnumerablefeelingsandcircumstancesthatmayhavealltendedtogood.ForHeaven'ssakerememberthat!''Howkindheputsit!'saidUriah,shakinghishead.'Alwaysobservingherfromonepointofview,'saidMr.Wickfield;'butbyallthatisdeartoyou,myoldfriend,Ientreatyoutoconsiderwhatitwas;Iamforcedtoconfessnow,havingnoescape-'
'No!There'snowayoutofit,Mr.Wickfield,sir,'observedUriah,'whenit'sgottothis.''-thatIdid,'saidMr.Wickfield,glancinghelplesslyanddistractedlyathispartner,'thatIdiddoubther,andthinkherwantinginherdutytoyou;andthatIdidsometimes,ifImustsayall,feelaversetoAgnesbeinginsuchafamiliarrelationtowardsher,astoseewhatIsaw,orinmydiseasedtheoryfanciedthatIsaw.Inevermentionedthistoanyone.Inevermeantittobeknowntoanyone.Andthoughitisterribletoyoutohear,'saidMr.Wickfield,quitesubdued,'ifyouknewhowterribleitisformetotell,youwouldfeelcompassionforme!'TheDoctor,intheperfectgoodnessofhisnature,putouthishand.Mr.Wickfieldhelditforalittlewhileinhis,withhisheadboweddown.'Iamsure,'saidUriah,writhinghimselfintothesilencelikeaConger-eel,'thatthisisasubjectfullofunpleasantnesstoeverybody.Butsincewehavegotsofar,IoughttotakethelibertyofmentioningthatCopperfieldhasnoticedittoo.'
Iturneduponhim,andaskedhimhowhedaredrefertome!'Oh!it'sverykindofyou,Copperfield,'returnedUriah,undulatingallover,'andweallknowwhatanamiablecharacteryoursis;butyouknowthatthemomentIspoketoyoutheothernight,youknewwhatImeant.YouknowyouknewwhatImeant,Copperfield.Don'tdenyit!Youdenyitwiththebestintentions;butdon'tdoit,Copperfield.'IsawthemildeyeofthegoodoldDoctorturneduponmeforamoment,andIfeltthattheconfessionofmyoldmisgivingsandremembranceswastooplainlywritteninmyfacetobeoverlooked.Itwasofnouseraging.Icouldnotundothat.SaywhatIwould,Icouldnotunsayit.Weweresilentagain,andremainedso,untiltheDoctorroseandwalkedtwiceorthriceacrosstheroom.Presentlyhereturnedtowherehischairstood;and,leaningonthebackofit,andoccasionallyputtinghishandkerchieftohiseyes,withasimplehonestythatdidhimmorehonour,tomythinking,thananydisguisehecouldhaveeffected,said:'Ihavebeenmuchtoblame.IbelieveIhavebeenverymuchto
blame.IhaveexposedonewhomIholdinmyheart,totrialsandaspersions-Icallthemaspersions,eventohavebeenconceivedinanybody'sinmostmind-ofwhichshenever,butforme,couldhavebeentheobject.'UriahHeepgaveakindofsnivel.Ithinktoexpresssympathy.'OfwhichmyAnnie,'saidtheDoctor,'never,butforme,couldhavebeentheobject.Gentlemen,Iamoldnow,asyouknow;Idonotfeel,tonight,thatIhavemuchtolivefor.Butmylife-myLife-uponthetruthandhonourofthedearladywhohasbeenthesubjectofthisconversation!'Idonotthinkthatthebestembodimentofchivalry,therealizationofthehandsomestandmostromanticfigureeverimaginedbypainter,couldhavesaidthis,withamoreimpressiveandaffectingdignitythantheplainoldDoctordid.'ButIamnotprepared,'hewenton,'todeny-perhapsImayhavebeen,withoutknowingit,insomedegreepreparedtoadmit-thatImayhaveunwittinglyensnaredthatladyintoanunhappymarriage.Iamamanquiteunaccustomedtoobserve;andIcannotbutbelievethattheobservationofseveralpeople,ofdifferentagesand
positions,alltooplainlytendinginonedirection(andthatsonatural),isbetterthanmine.'Ihadoftenadmired,asIhaveelsewheredescribed,hisbenignantmannertowardshisyouthfulwife;buttherespectfultendernesshemanifestedineveryreferencetoheronthisoccasion,andthealmostreverentialmannerinwhichheputawayfromhimthelightestdoubtofherintegrity,exaltedhim,inmyeyes,beyonddescription.'Imarriedthatlady,'saidtheDoctor,'whenshewasextremelyyoung.Itookhertomyselfwhenhercharacterwasscarcelyformed.Sofarasitwasdeveloped,ithadbeenmyhappinesstoformit.Iknewherfatherwell.Iknewherwell.IhadtaughtherwhatIcould,fortheloveofallherbeautifulandvirtuousqualities.IfIdidherwrong;asIfearIdid,intakingadvantage(butInevermeantit)ofhergratitudeandheraffection;Iaskpardonofthatlady,inmyheart!'Hewalkedacrosstheroom,andcamebacktothesameplace;holdingthechairwithagraspthattrembled,likehissubduedvoice,initsearnestness.
'Iregardedmyselfasarefuge,forher,fromthedangersandvicissitudesoflife.Ipersuadedmyselfthat,unequalthoughwewereinyears,shewouldlivetranquillyandcontentedlywithme.IdidnotshutoutofmyconsiderationthetimewhenIshouldleaveherfree,andstillyoungandstillbeautiful,butwithherjudgementmorematured-no,gentlemen-uponmytruth!'Hishomelyfigureseemedtobelightenedupbyhisfidelityandgenerosity.Everywordheutteredhadaforcethatnoothergracecouldhaveimpartedtoit.'Mylifewiththisladyhasbeenveryhappy.Untiltonight,IhavehaduninterruptedoccasiontoblessthedayonwhichIdidhergreatinjustice.'Hisvoice,moreandmorefalteringintheutteranceofthesewords,stoppedforafewmoments;thenhewenton:'Onceawakenedfrommydream-Ihavebeenapoordreamer,inonewayorother,allmylife-Iseehownaturalitisthatsheshouldhavesomeregretfulfeelingtowardsheroldcompanionandherequal.Thatshedoesregardhimwithsomeinnocentregret,withsomeblamelessthoughtsofwhatmighthavebeen,butforme,is,I
fear,tootrue.MuchthatIhaveseen,butnotnoted,hascomebackuponmewithnewmeaning,duringthislasttryinghour.But,beyondthis,gentlemen,thedearlady'snamenevermustbecoupledwithaword,abreath,ofdoubt.'Foralittlewhile,hiseyekindledandhisvoicewasfirm;foralittlewhilehewasagainsilent.Presently,heproceededasbefore:'Itonlyremainsforme,tobeartheknowledgeoftheunhappinessIhaveoccasioned,assubmissivelyasIcan.Itisshewhoshouldreproach;notI.Tosaveherfrommisconstruction,cruelmisconstruction,thatevenmyfriendshavenotbeenabletoavoid,becomesmyduty.Themoreretiredwelive,thebetterIshalldischargeit.Andwhenthetimecomes-mayitcomesoon,ifitbeHismercifulpleasure!-whenmydeathshallreleaseherfromconstraint,Ishallclosemyeyesuponherhonouredface,withunboundedconfidenceandlove;andleaveher,withnosorrowthen,tohappierandbrighterdays.'Icouldnotseehimforthetearswhichhisearnestnessandgoodness,soadornedby,andsoadorning,theperfectsimplicityofhismanner,broughtintomyeyes.Hehadmovedtothedoor,when
headded:'Gentlemen,Ihaveshownyoumyheart.Iamsureyouwillrespectit.Whatwehavesaidtonightisnevertobesaidmore.Wickfield,givemeanoldfriend'sarmupstairs!'Mr.Wickfieldhastenedtohim.Withoutinterchangingawordtheywentslowlyoutoftheroomtogether,Uriahlookingafterthem.'Well,MasterCopperfield!'saidUriah,meeklyturningtome.'Thethinghasn'ttookquitetheturnthatmighthavebeenexpected,fortheoldScholar-whatanexcellentman!-isasblindasabrickbat;butthisfamily'soutofthecart,Ithink!'IneededbutthesoundofhisvoicetobesomadlyenragedasIneverwasbefore,andneverhavebeensince.'Youvillain,'saidI,'whatdoyoumeanbyentrappingmeintoyourschemes?Howdareyouappealtomejustnow,youfalserascal,asifwehadbeenindiscussiontogether?'Aswestood,fronttofront,Isawsoplainly,inthestealthyexultationofhisface,whatIalreadysoplainlyknew;Imeanthat
heforcedhisconfidenceuponme,expresslytomakememiserable,andhadsetadeliberatetrapformeinthisverymatter;thatIcouldn'tbearit.Thewholeofhislankcheekwasinvitinglybeforeme,andIstruckitwithmyopenhandwiththatforcethatmyfingerstingledasifIhadburntthem.Hecaughtthehandinhis,andwestoodinthatconnexion,lookingateachother.Westoodso,alongtime;longenoughformetoseethewhitemarksofmyfingersdieoutofthedeepredofhischeek,andleaveitadeeperred.'Copperfield,'hesaidatlength,inabreathlessvoice,'haveyoutakenleaveofyoursenses?''Ihavetakenleaveofyou,'saidI,wrestingmyhandaway.'Youdog,I'llknownomoreofyou.''Won'tyou?'saidhe,constrainedbythepainofhischeektoputhishandthere.'Perhapsyouwon'tbeabletohelpit.Isn'tthisungratefulofyou,now?''Ihaveshownyouoftenenough,'saidI,'thatIdespiseyou.Ihaveshownyounow,moreplainly,thatIdo.WhyshouldIdread
yourdoingyourworsttoallaboutyou?Whatelsedoyoueverdo?'Heperfectlyunderstoodthisallusiontotheconsiderationsthathadhithertorestrainedmeinmycommunicationswithhim.Iratherthinkthatneithertheblow,northeallusion,wouldhaveescapedme,butfortheassuranceIhadhadfromAgnesthatnight.Itisnomatter.Therewasanotherlongpause.Hiseyes,ashelookedatme,seemedtotakeeveryshadeofcolourthatcouldmakeeyesugly.'Copperfield,'hesaid,removinghishandfromhischeek,'youhavealwaysgoneagainstme.IknowyoualwaysusedtobeagainstmeatMr.Wickfield's.''Youmaythinkwhatyoulike,'saidI,stillinatoweringrage.'Ifitisnottrue,somuchtheworthieryou.''AndyetIalwayslikedyou,Copperfield!'herejoined.Ideignedtomakehimnoreply;and,takingupmyhat,wasgoingouttobed,whenhecamebetweenmeandthedoor.
'Copperfield,'hesaid,'theremustbetwopartiestoaquarrel.Iwon'tbeone.''Youmaygotothedevil!'saidI.'Don'tsaythat!'hereplied.'Iknowyou'llbesorryafterwards.Howcanyoumakeyourselfsoinferiortome,astoshowsuchabadspirit?ButIforgiveyou.''Youforgiveme!'Irepeateddisdainfully.'Ido,andyoucan'thelpyourself,'repliedUriah.'Tothinkofyourgoingandattackingme,thathavealwaysbeenafriendtoyou!Buttherecan'tbeaquarrelwithouttwoparties,andIwon'tbeone.Iwillbeafriendtoyou,inspiteofyou.Sonowyouknowwhatyou'vegottoexpect.'Thenecessityofcarryingonthisdialogue(hispartinwhichwasveryslow;mineveryquick)inalowtone,thatthehousemightnotbedisturbedatanunseasonablehour,didnotimprovemytemper;thoughmypassionwascoolingdown.MerelytellinghimthatIshouldexpectfromhimwhatIalwayshadexpected,andhadneveryetbeendisappointedin,Iopenedthedooruponhim,asifhehad
beenagreatwalnutputtheretobecracked,andwentoutofthehouse.Buthesleptoutofthehousetoo,athismother'slodging;andbeforeIhadgonemanyhundredyards,cameupwithme.'Youknow,Copperfield,'hesaid,inmyear(Ididnotturnmyhead),'you'reinquiteawrongposition';whichIfelttobetrue,andthatmademechafethemore;'youcan'tmakethisabravething,andyoucan'thelpbeingforgiven.Idon'tintendtomentionittomother,nortoanylivingsoul.I'mdeterminedtoforgiveyou.ButIdowonderthatyoushouldliftyourhandagainstapersonthatyouknewtobesoumble!'Ifeltonlylessmeanthanhe.HeknewmebetterthanIknewmyself.Ifhehadretortedoropenlyexasperatedme,itwouldhavebeenareliefandajustification;buthehadputmeonaslowfire,onwhichIlaytormentedhalfthenight.Inthemorning,whenIcameout,theearlychurch-bellwasringing,andhewaswalkingupanddownwithhismother.Headdressedmeasifnothinghadhappened,andIcoulddonolessthanreply.Ihadstruckhimhardenoughtogivehimthetoothache,Isuppose.Atalleventshisfacewastiedupinablacksilkhandkerchief,which,withhishatperchedonthetopofit,wasfarfrom
improvinghisappearance.Iheardthathewenttoadentist'sinLondonontheMondaymorning,andhadatoothout.Ihopeitwasadoubleone.TheDoctorgaveoutthathewasnotquitewell;andremainedalone,foraconsiderablepartofeveryday,duringtheremainderofthevisit.Agnesandherfatherhadbeengoneaweek,beforeweresumedourusualwork.Onthedayprecedingitsresumption,theDoctorgavemewithhisownhandsafoldednotenotsealed.Itwasaddressedtomyself;andlaidaninjunctiononme,inafewaffectionatewords,nevertorefertothesubjectofthatevening.Ihadconfidedittomyaunt,buttonooneelse.ItwasnotasubjectIcoulddiscusswithAgnes,andAgnescertainlyhadnottheleastsuspicionofwhathadpassed.Neither,Ifeltconvinced,hadMrs.Strongthen.SeveralweekselapsedbeforeIsawtheleastchangeinher.Itcameonslowly,likeacloudwhenthereisnowind.Atfirst,sheseemedtowonderatthegentlecompassionwithwhichtheDoctorspoketoher,andathiswishthatsheshouldhavehermotherwithher,torelievethedullmonotonyofherlife.Often,whenwewereatwork,andshewassittingby,Iwouldseeherpausingandlookingathimwiththatmemorableface.Afterwards,Isometimesobservedherrise,
withhereyesfulloftears,andgooutoftheroom.Gradually,anunhappyshadowfelluponherbeauty,anddeepenedeveryday.Mrs.Marklehamwasaregularinmateofthecottagethen;butshetalkedandtalked,andsawnothing.AsthischangestoleonAnnie,oncelikesunshineintheDoctor'shouse,theDoctorbecameolderinappearance,andmoregrave;butthesweetnessofhistemper,theplacidkindnessofhismanner,andhisbenevolentsolicitudeforher,iftheywerecapableofanyincrease,wereincreased.Isawhimonce,earlyonthemorningofherbirthday,whenshecametositinthewindowwhilewewereatwork(whichshehadalwaysdone,butnowbegantodowithatimidanduncertainairthatIthoughtverytouching),takeherforeheadbetweenhishands,kissit,andgohurriedlyaway,toomuchmovedtoremain.Isawherstandwherehehadlefther,likeastatue;andthenbenddownherhead,andclaspherhands,andweep,Icannotsayhowsorrowfully.Sometimes,afterthat,Ifanciedthatshetriedtospeakeventome,inintervalswhenwewereleftalone.Butsheneverutteredaword.TheDoctoralwayshadsomenewprojectforherparticipatinginamusementsawayfromhome,withhermother;andMrs.Markleham,whowasveryfondofamusements,andveryeasilydissatisfiedwith
anythingelse,enteredintothemwithgreatgood-will,andwasloudinhercommendations.ButAnnie,inaspiritlessunhappyway,onlywentwhithershewasled,andseemedtohavenocareforanything.Ididnotknowwhattothink.Neitherdidmyaunt;whomusthavewalked,atvarioustimes,ahundredmilesinheruncertainty.Whatwasstrangestofallwas,thattheonlyrealreliefwhichseemedtomakeitswayintothesecretregionofthisdomesticunhappiness,madeitswaythereinthepersonofMr.Dick.Whathisthoughtswereonthesubject,orwhathisobservationwas,Iamasunabletoexplain,asIdaresayhewouldhavebeentoassistmeinthetask.But,asIhaverecordedinthenarrativeofmyschooldays,hisvenerationfortheDoctorwasunbounded;andthereisasubtletyofperceptioninrealattachment,evenwhenitisbornetowardsmanbyoneoftheloweranimals,whichleavesthehighestintellectbehind.Tothismindoftheheart,ifImaycallitso,inMr.Dick,somebrightrayofthetruthshotstraight.Hehadproudlyresumedhisprivilege,inmanyofhissparehours,ofwalkingupanddownthegardenwiththeDoctor;ashehadbeenaccustomedtopaceupanddownTheDoctor'sWalkatCanterbury.Butmatterswerenosoonerinthisstate,thanhedevotedallhis
sparetime(andgotupearliertomakeitmore)totheseperambulations.IfhehadneverbeensohappyaswhentheDoctorreadthatmarvellousperformance,theDictionary,tohim;hewasnowquitemiserableunlesstheDoctorpulleditoutofhispocket,andbegan.WhentheDoctorandIwereengaged,henowfellintothecustomofwalkingupanddownwithMrs.Strong,andhelpinghertotrimherfavouriteflowers,orweedthebeds.Idaresayherarelyspokeadozenwordsinanhour:buthisquietinterest,andhiswistfulface,foundimmediateresponseinboththeirbreasts;eachknewthattheotherlikedhim,andthathelovedboth;andhebecamewhatnooneelsecouldbe-alinkbetweenthem.WhenIthinkofhim,withhisimpenetrablywiseface,walkingupanddownwiththeDoctor,delightedtobebatteredbythehardwordsintheDictionary;whenIthinkofhimcarryinghugewatering-potsafterAnnie;kneelingdown,inverypawsofgloves,atpatientmicroscopicworkamongthelittleleaves;expressingasnophilosophercouldhaveexpressed,ineverythinghedid,adelicatedesiretobeherfriend;showeringsympathy,trustfulness,andaffection,outofeveryholeinthewatering-pot;whenIthinkofhimneverwanderinginthatbettermindofhistowhichunhappinessaddresseditself,neverbringingtheunfortunateKingCharlesintothegarden,neverwaveringinhisgratefulservice,
neverdivertedfromhisknowledgethattherewassomethingwrong,orfromhiswishtosetitright-Ireallyfeelalmostashamedofhavingknownthathewasnotquiteinhiswits,takingaccountoftheutmostIhavedonewithmine.'Nobodybutmyself,Trot,knowswhatthatmanis!'myauntwouldproudlyremark,whenweconversedaboutit.'Dickwilldistinguishhimselfyet!'ImustrefertooneothertopicbeforeIclosethischapter.WhilethevisitattheDoctor'swasstillinprogress,IobservedthatthepostmanbroughttwoorthreeletterseverymorningforUriahHeep,whoremainedatHighgateuntiltherestwentback,itbeingaleisuretime;andthatthesewerealwaysdirectedinabusiness-likemannerbyMr.Micawber,whonowassumedaroundlegalhand.Iwasgladtoinfer,fromtheseslightpremises,thatMr.Micawberwasdoingwell;andconsequentlywasmuchsurprisedtoreceive,aboutthistime,thefollowingletterfromhisamiablewife.'CANTERBURY,MondayEvening.
'Youwilldoubtlessbesurprised,mydearMr.Copperfield,toreceivethiscommunication.Stillmoreso,byitscontents.Stillmoreso,bythestipulationofimplicitconfidencewhichIbegtoimpose.Butmyfeelingsasawifeandmotherrequirerelief;andasIdonotwishtoconsultmyfamily(alreadyobnoxioustothefeelingsofMr.Micawber),IknownooneofwhomIcanbetteraskadvicethanmyfriendandformerlodger.'Youmaybeaware,mydearMr.Copperfield,thatbetweenmyselfandMr.Micawber(whomIwillneverdesert),therehasalwaysbeenpreservedaspiritofmutualconfidence.Mr.Micawbermayhaveoccasionallygivenabillwithoutconsultingme,orhemayhavemisledmeastotheperiodwhenthatobligationwouldbecomedue.Thishasactuallyhappened.But,ingeneral,Mr.Micawberhashadnosecretsfromthebosomofaffection-Ialludetohiswife-andhasinvariably,onourretirementtorest,recalledtheeventsoftheday.'Youwillpicturetoyourself,mydearMr.Copperfield,whatthepoignancyofmyfeelingsmustbe,whenIinformyouthatMr.Micawberisentirelychanged.Heisreserved.Heissecret.Hislifeisamysterytothepartnerofhisjoysandsorrows-Iagain
alludetohiswife-andifIshouldassureyouthatbeyondknowingthatitispassedfrommorningtonightattheoffice,InowknowlessofitthanIdoofthemaninthesouth,connectedwithwhosemouththethoughtlesschildrenrepeatanidletalerespectingcoldplumporridge,Ishouldadoptapopularfallacytoexpressanactualfact.'Butthisisnotall.Mr.Micawberismorose.Heissevere.Heisestrangedfromoureldestsonanddaughter,hehasnoprideinhistwins,helookswithaneyeofcoldnessevenontheunoffendingstrangerwholastbecameamemberofourcircle.Thepecuniarymeansofmeetingourexpenses,keptdowntotheutmostfarthing,areobtainedfromhimwithgreatdifficulty,andevenunderfearfulthreatsthathewillSettlehimself(theexactexpression);andheinexorablyrefusestogiveanyexplanationwhateverofthisdistractingpolicy.'Thisishardtobear.Thisisheart-breaking.Ifyouwilladviseme,knowingmyfeeblepowerssuchastheyare,howyouthinkitwillbebesttoexerttheminadilemmasounwonted,youwilladdanotherfriendlyobligationtothemanyyouhavealreadyrenderedme.Withlovesfromthechildren,andasmilefromthehappily-unconsciousstranger,Iremain,dearMr.Copperfield,
Yourafflicted,'EMMAMICAWBER.'IdidnotfeeljustifiedingivingawifeofMrs.Micawber'sexperienceanyotherrecommendation,thanthatsheshouldtrytoreclaimMr.Micawberbypatienceandkindness(asIknewshewouldinanycase);butthelettersetmethinkingabouthimverymuch.CHAPTER43ANOTHERRETROSPECTOnceagain,letmepauseuponamemorableperiodofmylife.Letmestandaside,toseethephantomsofthosedaysgobyme,accompanyingtheshadowofmyself,indimprocession.Weeks,months,seasons,passalong.Theyseemlittlemorethanasummerdayandawinterevening.Now,theCommonwhereIwalkwithDoraisallinbloom,afieldofbrightgold;andnowtheunseen
heatherliesinmoundsandbunchesunderneathacoveringofsnow.Inabreath,theriverthatflowsthroughourSundaywalksissparklinginthesummersun,isruffledbythewinterwind,orthickenedwithdriftingheapsofice.Fasterthaneverriverrantowardsthesea,itflashes,darkens,androllsaway.Notathreadchanges,inthehouseofthetwolittlebird-likeladies.Theclockticksoverthefireplace,theweather-glasshangsinthehall.Neitherclocknorweather-glassiseverright;butwebelieveinboth,devoutly.Ihavecomelegallytoman'sestate.Ihaveattainedthedignityoftwenty-one.Butthisisasortofdignitythatmaybethrustuponone.LetmethinkwhatIhaveachieved.Ihavetamedthatsavagestenographicmystery.Imakearespectableincomebyit.Iaminhighreputeformyaccomplishmentinallpertainingtotheart,andamjoinedwithelevenothersinreportingthedebatesinParliamentforaMorningNewspaper.Nightafternight,Irecordpredictionsthatnevercometopass,professionsthatareneverfulfilled,explanationsthatareonlymeanttomystify.Iwallowinwords.Britannia,thatunfortunatefemale,isalwaysbeforeme,likeatrussedfowl:
skeweredthroughandthroughwithoffice-pens,andboundhandandfootwithredtape.Iamsufficientlybehindthescenestoknowtheworthofpoliticallife.IamquiteanInfidelaboutit,andshallneverbeconverted.MydearoldTraddleshastriedhishandatthesamepursuit,butitisnotinTraddles'sway.Heisperfectlygood-humouredrespectinghisfailure,andremindsmethathealwaysdidconsiderhimselfslow.Hehasoccasionalemploymentonthesamenewspaper,ingettingupthefactsofdrysubjects,tobewrittenaboutandembellishedbymorefertileminds.Heiscalledtothebar;andwithadmirableindustryandself-denialhasscrapedanotherhundredpoundstogether,tofeeaConveyancerwhosechambersheattends.Agreatdealofveryhotportwinewasconsumedathiscall;and,consideringthefigure,IshouldthinktheInnerTemplemusthavemadeaprofitbyit.Ihavecomeoutinanotherway.Ihavetakenwithfearandtremblingtoauthorship.Iwrotealittlesomething,insecret,andsentittoamagazine,anditwaspublishedinthemagazine.Sincethen,Ihavetakenhearttowriteagoodmanytriflingpieces.Now,Iamregularlypaidforthem.Altogether,Iamwelloff,whenItellmyincomeonthefingersofmylefthand,Ipass
thethirdfingerandtakeinthefourthtothemiddlejoint.Wehaveremoved,fromBuckinghamStreet,toapleasantlittlecottageveryneartheoneIlookedat,whenmyenthusiasmfirstcameon.Myaunt,however(whohassoldthehouseatDover,togoodadvantage),isnotgoingtoremainhere,butintendsremovingherselftoastillmoretinycottagecloseathand.Whatdoesthisportend?Mymarriage?Yes!Yes!IamgoingtobemarriedtoDora!MissLaviniaandMissClarissahavegiventheirconsent;andifevercanarybirdswereinaflutter,theyare.MissLavinia,self-chargedwiththesuperintendenceofmydarling'swardrobe,isconstantlycuttingoutbrown-papercuirasses,anddifferinginopinionfromahighlyrespectableyoungman,withalongbundle,andayardmeasureunderhisarm.Adressmaker,alwaysstabbedinthebreastwithaneedleandthread,boardsandlodgesinthehouse;andseemstome,eating,drinking,orsleeping,nevertotakeherthimbleoff.Theymakealay-figureofmydear.Theyarealwayssendingforhertocomeandtrysomethingon.Wecan'tbehappytogetherforfiveminutesintheevening,butsomeintrusivefemaleknocksatthedoor,andsays,'Oh,ifyouplease,MissDora,wouldyoustepupstairs!'
MissClarissaandmyauntroamalloverLondon,tofindoutarticlesoffurnitureforDoraandmetolookat.Itwouldbebetterforthemtobuythegoodsatonce,withoutthisceremonyofinspection;for,whenwegotoseeakitchenfenderandmeat-screen,DoraseesaChinesehouseforJip,withlittlebellsonthetop,andprefersthat.AndittakesalongtimetoaccustomJiptohisnewresidence,afterwehaveboughtit;wheneverhegoesinorout,hemakesallthelittlebellsring,andishorriblyfrightened.Peggottycomesuptomakeherselfuseful,andfallstoworkimmediately.Herdepartmentappearstobe,tocleaneverythingoverandoveragain.Sherubseverythingthatcanberubbed,untilitshines,likeherownhonestforehead,withperpetualfriction.Andnowitis,thatIbegintoseehersolitarybrotherpassingthroughthedarkstreetsatnight,andlooking,ashegoes,amongthewanderingfaces.Ineverspeaktohimatsuchanhour.Iknowtoowell,ashisgravefigurepassesonward,whatheseeks,andwhathedreads.WhydoesTraddleslooksoimportantwhenhecallsuponmethisafternoonintheCommons-whereIstilloccasionallyattend,for
form'ssake,whenIhavetime?Therealizationofmyboyishday-dreamsisathand.Iamgoingtotakeoutthelicence.Itisalittledocumenttodosomuch;andTraddlescontemplatesit,asitliesuponmydesk,halfinadmiration,halfinawe.Therearethenames,inthesweetoldvisionaryconnexion,DavidCopperfieldandDoraSpenlow;andthere,inthecorner,isthatParentalInstitution,theStampOffice,whichissobenignantlyinterestedinthevarioustransactionsofhumanlife,lookingdownuponourUnion;andthereistheArchbishopofCanterburyinvokingablessingonusinprint,anddoingitascheapascouldpossiblybeexpected.Nevertheless,Iaminadream,aflustered,happy,hurrieddream.Ican'tbelievethatitisgoingtobe;andyetIcan'tbelievebutthateveryoneIpassinthestreet,musthavesomekindofperception,thatIamtobemarriedthedayaftertomorrow.TheSurrogateknowsme,whenIgodowntobesworn;anddisposesofmeeasily,asiftherewereaMasonicunderstandingbetweenus.Traddlesisnotatallwanted,butisinattendanceasmygeneralbacker.'Ihopethenexttimeyoucomehere,mydearfellow,'Isayto
Traddles,'itwillbeonthesameerrandforyourself.AndIhopeitwillbesoon.''Thankyouforyourgoodwishes,mydearCopperfield,'hereplies.'Ihopesotoo.It'sasatisfactiontoknowthatshe'llwaitformeanylengthoftime,andthatshereallyisthedearestgirl-''Whenareyoutomeetheratthecoach?'Iask.'Atseven,'saysTraddles,lookingathisplainoldsilverwatch-theverywatchheoncetookawheeloutof,atschool,tomakeawater-mill.'ThatisaboutMissWickfield'stime,isitnot?''Alittleearlier.Hertimeishalfpasteight.''Iassureyou,mydearboy,'saysTraddles,'IamalmostaspleasedasifIweregoingtobemarriedmyself,tothinkthatthiseventiscomingtosuchahappytermination.AndreallythegreatfriendshipandconsiderationofpersonallyassociatingSophywiththejoyfuloccasion,andinvitinghertobeabridesmaidinconjunctionwithMissWickfield,demandsmywarmestthanks.Iamextremelysensibleofit.'Ihearhim,andshakehandswithhim;andwetalk,andwalk,and
dine,andsoon;butIdon'tbelieveit.Nothingisreal.SophyarrivesatthehouseofDora'saunts,induecourse.Shehasthemostagreeableoffaces,-notabsolutelybeautiful,butextraordinarilypleasant,-andisoneofthemostgenial,unaffected,frank,engagingcreaturesIhaveeverseen.Traddlespresentshertouswithgreatpride;andrubshishandsfortenminutesbytheclock,witheveryindividualhairuponhisheadstandingontiptoe,whenIcongratulatehiminacorneronhischoice.IhavebroughtAgnesfromtheCanterburycoach,andhercheerfulandbeautifulfaceisamongusforthesecondtime.AgneshasagreatlikingforTraddles,anditiscapitaltoseethemmeet,andtoobservethegloryofTraddlesashecommendsthedearestgirlintheworldtoheracquaintance.StillIdon'tbelieveit.Wehaveadelightfulevening,andaresupremelyhappy;butIdon'tbelieveityet.Ican'tcollectmyself.Ican'tcheckoffmyhappinessasittakesplace.Ifeelinamistyandunsettledkindofstate;asifIhadgotupveryearlyinthemorningaweekortwoago,andhadneverbeentobedsince.Ican'tmakeoutwhenyesterdaywas.Iseemtohavebeen
carryingthelicenceabout,inmypocket,manymonths.Nextday,too,whenweallgoinaflocktoseethehouse-ourhouse-Dora'sandmine-Iamquiteunabletoregardmyselfasitsmaster.Iseemtobethere,bypermissionofsomebodyelse.Ihalfexpecttherealmastertocomehomepresently,andsayheisgladtoseeme.Suchabeautifullittlehouseasitis,witheverythingsobrightandnew;withtheflowersonthecarpetslookingasiffreshlygathered,andthegreenleavesonthepaperasiftheyhadjustcomeout;withthespotlessmuslincurtains,andtheblushingrose-colouredfurniture,andDora'sgardenhatwiththeblueribbon-doIremember,now,howIlovedherinsuchanotherhatwhenIfirstknewher!-alreadyhangingonitslittlepeg;theguitar-casequiteathomeonitsheelsinacorner;andeverybodytumblingoverJip'spagoda,whichismuchtoobigfortheestablishment.Anotherhappyevening,quiteasunrealasalltherestofit,andIstealintotheusualroombeforegoingaway.Doraisnotthere.Isupposetheyhavenotdonetryingonyet.MissLaviniapeepsin,andtellsmemysteriouslythatshewillnotbelong.Sheisratherlong,notwithstanding;butbyandbyIheararustlingatthedoor,andsomeonetaps.Isay,'Comein!'butsomeonetapsagain.
Igotothedoor,wonderingwhoitis;there,Imeetapairofbrighteyes,andablushingface;theyareDora'seyesandface,andMissLaviniahasdressedherintomorrow'sdress,bonnetandall,formetosee.Itakemylittlewifetomyheart;andMissLaviniagivesalittlescreambecauseItumblethebonnet,andDoralaughsandcriesatonce,becauseIamsopleased;andIbelieveitlessthanever.'Doyouthinkitpretty,Doady?'saysDora.Pretty!IshouldratherthinkIdid.'Andareyousureyoulikemeverymuch?'saysDora.Thetopicisfraughtwithsuchdangertothebonnet,thatMissLaviniagivesanotherlittlescream,andbegsmetounderstandthatDoraisonlytobelookedat,andonnoaccounttobetouched.SoDorastandsinadelightfulstateofconfusionforaminuteortwo,tobeadmired;andthentakesoffherbonnet-lookingsonaturalwithoutit!-andrunsawaywithitinherhand;andcomesdancingdownagaininherownfamiliardress,andasksJipifIhavegotabeautifullittlewife,andwhetherhe'llforgiveherforbeing
married,andkneelsdowntomakehimstanduponthecookery-book,forthelasttimeinhersinglelife.Igohome,moreincredulousthanever,toalodgingthatIhavehardby;andgetupveryearlyinthemorning,toridetotheHighgateroadandfetchmyaunt.Ihaveneverseenmyauntinsuchstate.Sheisdressedinlavender-colouredsilk,andhasawhitebonneton,andisamazing.Janethasdressedher,andistheretolookatme.Peggottyisreadytogotochurch,intendingtobeholdtheceremonyfromthegallery.Mr.Dick,whoistogivemydarlingtomeatthealtar,hashadhishaircurled.Traddles,whomIhavetakenupbyappointmentattheturnpike,presentsadazzlingcombinationofcreamcolourandlightblue;andbothheandMr.Dickhaveageneraleffectaboutthemofbeingallgloves.NodoubtIseethis,becauseIknowitisso;butIamastray,andseemtoseenothing.NordoIbelieveanythingwhatever.Still,aswedrivealonginanopencarriage,thisfairymarriageisrealenoughtofillmewithasortofwonderingpityfortheunfortunatepeoplewhohavenopartinit,butaresweepingouttheshops,andgoingtotheirdailyoccupations.
Myauntsitswithmyhandinhersalltheway.Whenwestopalittlewayshortofthechurch,toputdownPeggotty,whomwehavebroughtonthebox,shegivesitasqueeze,andmeakiss.'Godblessyou,Trot!Myownboynevercouldbedearer.IthinkofpoordearBabythismorning.''SodoI.AndofallIowetoyou,dearaunt.''Tut,child!'saysmyaunt;andgivesherhandinoverflowingcordialitytoTraddles,whothengiveshistoMr.Dick,whothengiveshistome,whothengivesminetoTraddles,andthenwecometothechurchdoor.Thechurchiscalmenough,Iamsure;butitmightbeasteam-powerloominfullaction,foranysedativeeffectithasonme.Iamtoofargoneforthat.Therestisallamoreorlessincoherentdream.AdreamoftheircominginwithDora;ofthepew-openerarrangingus,likeadrill-sergeant,beforethealtarrails;ofmywondering,eventhen,whypew-openersmustalwaysbethemostdisagreeable
femalesprocurable,andwhetherthereisanyreligiousdreadofadisastrousinfectionofgood-humourwhichrendersitindispensabletosetthosevesselsofvinegarupontheroadtoHeaven.Oftheclergymanandclerkappearing;ofafewboatmenandsomeotherpeoplestrollingin;ofanancientmarinerbehindme,stronglyflavouringthechurchwithrum;oftheservicebeginninginadeepvoice,andourallbeingveryattentive.OfMissLavinia,whoactsasasemi-auxiliarybridesmaid,beingthefirsttocry,andofherdoinghomage(asItakeit)tothememoryofPidger,insobs;ofMissClarissaapplyingasmelling-bottle;ofAgnestakingcareofDora;ofmyauntendeavouringtorepresentherselfasamodelofsternness,withtearsrollingdownherface;oflittleDoratremblingverymuch,andmakingherresponsesinfaintwhispers.Ofourkneelingdowntogether,sidebyside;ofDora'stremblinglessandless,butalwaysclaspingAgnesbythehand;oftheservicebeinggotthrough,quietlyandgravely;ofouralllookingateachotherinanAprilstateofsmilesandtears,whenitisover;ofmyyoungwifebeinghystericalinthevestry,andcryingforherpoorpapa,herdearpapa.
Ofhersooncheeringupagain,andoursigningtheregisterallround.OfmygoingintothegalleryforPeggottytobringhertosignit;ofPeggotty'shuggingmeinacorner,andtellingmeshesawmyowndearmothermarried;ofitsbeingover,andourgoingaway.Ofmywalkingsoproudlyandlovinglydowntheaislewithmysweetwifeuponmyarm,throughamistofhalf-seenpeople,pulpits,monuments,pews,fonts,organs,andchurchwindows,inwhichthereflutterfaintairsofassociationwithmychildishchurchathome,solongago.Oftheirwhispering,aswepass,whatayouthfulcoupleweare,andwhataprettylittlewifesheis.Ofourallbeingsomerryandtalkativeinthecarriagegoingback.OfSophytellingusthatwhenshesawTraddles(whomIhadentrustedwiththelicence)askedforit,shealmostfainted,havingbeenconvincedthathewouldcontrivetoloseit,ortohavehispocketpicked.OfAgneslaughinggaily;andofDorabeingsofondofAgnesthatshewillnotbeseparatedfromher,butstillkeepsherhand.Oftherebeingabreakfast,withabundanceofthings,prettyand
substantial,toeatanddrink,whereofIpartake,asIshoulddoinanyotherdream,withouttheleastperceptionoftheirflavour;eatinganddrinking,asImaysay,nothingbutloveandmarriage,andnomorebelievingintheviandsthaninanythingelse.Ofmymakingaspeechinthesamedreamyfashion,withouthavinganideaofwhatIwanttosay,beyondsuchasmaybecomprehendedinthefullconvictionthatIhaven'tsaidit.Ofourbeingverysociablyandsimplyhappy(alwaysinadreamthough);andofJip'shavingweddingcake,anditsnotagreeingwithhimafterwards.Ofthepairofhiredpost-horsesbeingready,andofDora'sgoingawaytochangeherdress.OfmyauntandMissClarissaremainingwithus;andourwalkinginthegarden;andmyaunt,whohasmadequiteaspeechatbreakfasttouchingDora'saunts,beingmightilyamusedwithherself,butalittleproudofittoo.OfDora'sbeingready,andofMissLavinia'shoveringabouther,lothtolosetheprettytoythathasgivenhersomuchpleasantoccupation.OfDora'smakingalongseriesofsurpriseddiscoveriesthatshehasforgottenallsortsoflittlethings;andofeverybody'srunningeverywheretofetchthem.
OftheirallclosingaboutDora,whenatlastshebeginstosaygood-bye,looking,withtheirbrightcoloursandribbons,likeabedofflowers.Ofmydarlingbeingalmostsmotheredamongtheflowers,andcomingout,laughingandcryingbothtogether,tomyjealousarms.OfmywantingtocarryJip(whoistogoalongwithus),andDora'ssayingno,thatshemustcarryhim,orelsehe'llthinkshedon'tlikehimanymore,nowsheismarried,andwillbreakhisheart.Ofourgoing,arminarm,andDorastoppingandlookingback,andsaying,'IfIhaveeverbeencrossorungratefultoanybody,don'trememberit!'andburstingintotears.Ofherwavingherlittlehand,andourgoingawayoncemore.Ofheroncemorestopping,andlookingback,andhurryingtoAgnes,andgivingAgnes,abovealltheothers,herlastkissesandfarewells.Wedriveawaytogether,andIawakefromthedream.Ibelieveitatlast.Itismydear,dear,littlewifebesideme,whomIlovesowell!'Areyouhappynow,youfoolishboy?'saysDora,'andsureyou
don'trepent?'Ihavestoodasidetoseethephantomsofthosedaysgobyme.Theyaregone,andIresumethejourneyofmystory.CHAPTER44OURHOUSEKEEPINGItwasastrangeconditionofthings,thehoneymoonbeingover,andthebridesmaidsgonehome,whenIfoundmyselfsittingdowninmyownsmallhousewithDora;quitethrownoutofemployment,asImaysay,inrespectofthedeliciousoldoccupationofmakinglove.ItseemedsuchanextraordinarythingtohaveDoraalwaysthere.Itwassounaccountablenottobeobligedtogoouttoseeher,nottohaveanyoccasiontobetormentingmyselfabouther,nottohavetowritetoher,nottobescheminganddevisingopportunitiesofbeingalonewithher.Sometimesofanevening,whenIlookedupfrommywriting,andsawherseatedopposite,Iwouldleanbackinmychair,andthinkhowqueeritwasthattherewewere,alone
togetherasamatterofcourse-nobody'sbusinessanymore-alltheromanceofourengagementputawayuponashelf,torust-noonetopleasebutoneanother-oneanothertoplease,forlife.Whentherewasadebate,andIwaskeptoutverylate,itseemedsostrangetome,asIwaswalkinghome,tothinkthatDorawasathome!Itwassuchawonderfulthing,atfirst,tohavehercomingsoftlydowntotalktomeasIatemysupper.Itwassuchastupendousthingtoknowforcertainthatsheputherhairinpapers.Itwasaltogethersuchanastonishingeventtoseeherdoit!Idoubtwhethertwoyoungbirdscouldhaveknownlessaboutkeepinghouse,thanIandmyprettyDoradid.Wehadaservant,ofcourse.Shekepthouseforus.IhavestillalatentbeliefthatshemusthavebeenMrs.Crupp'sdaughterindisguise,wehadsuchanawfultimeofitwithMaryAnne.HernamewasParagon.Hernaturewasrepresentedtous,whenweengagedher,asbeingfeeblyexpressedinhername.Shehadawrittencharacter,aslargeasaproclamation;and,accordingtothisdocument,coulddoeverythingofadomesticnaturethateverIheardof,andagreatmanythingsthatIneverdidhearof.She
wasawomanintheprimeoflife;ofaseverecountenance;andsubject(particularlyinthearms)toasortofperpetualmeaslesorfieryrash.ShehadacousinintheLife-Guards,withsuchlonglegsthathelookedliketheafternoonshadowofsomebodyelse.Hisshell-jacketwasasmuchtoolittleforhimashewastoobigforthepremises.Hemadethecottagesmallerthanitneedhavebeen,bybeingsoverymuchoutofproportiontoit.Besideswhich,thewallswerenotthick,and,wheneverhepassedtheeveningatourhouse,wealwaysknewofitbyhearingonecontinualgrowlinthekitchen.Ourtreasurewaswarrantedsoberandhonest.Iamthereforewillingtobelievethatshewasinafitwhenwefoundherundertheboiler;andthatthedeficienttea-spoonswereattributabletothedustman.Butshepreyeduponourmindsdreadfully.Wefeltourinexperience,andwereunabletohelpourselves.Weshouldhavebeenathermercy,ifshehadhadany;butshewasaremorselesswoman,andhadnone.Shewasthecauseofourfirstlittlequarrel.'Mydearestlife,'IsaidonedaytoDora,'doyouthinkMaryAnne
hasanyideaoftime?''Why,Doady?'inquiredDora,lookingup,innocently,fromherdrawing.'Mylove,becauseit'sfive,andweweretohavedinedatfour.'Doraglancedwistfullyattheclock,andhintedthatshethoughtitwastoofast.'Onthecontrary,mylove,'saidI,referringtomywatch,'it'safewminutestooslow.'Mylittlewifecameandsatuponmyknee,tocoaxmetobequiet,anddrewalinewithherpencildownthemiddleofmynose;butIcouldn'tdineoffthat,thoughitwasveryagreeable.'Don'tyouthink,mydear,'saidI,'itwouldbebetterforyoutoremonstratewithMaryAnne?''Ohno,please!Icouldn't,Doady!'saidDora.'Whynot,mylove?'Igentlyasked.
'Oh,becauseIamsuchalittlegoose,'saidDora,'andsheknowsIam!'IthoughtthissentimentsoincompatiblewiththeestablishmentofanysystemofcheckonMaryAnne,thatIfrownedalittle.'Oh,whatuglywrinklesinmybadboy'sforehead!'saidDora,andstillbeingonmyknee,shetracedthemwithherpencil;puttingittoherrosylipstomakeitmarkblacker,andworkingatmyforeheadwithaquaintlittlemockeryofbeingindustrious,thatquitedelightedmeinspiteofmyself.'There'sagoodchild,'saidDora,'itmakesitsfacesomuchprettiertolaugh.''But,mylove,'saidI.'No,no!please!'criedDora,withakiss,'don'tbeanaughtyBlueBeard!Don'tbeserious!''mypreciouswife,'saidI,'wemustbeserioussometimes.Come!Sitdownonthischair,closebesideme!Givemethepencil!There!Nowletustalksensibly.Youknow,dear';whatalittle
handitwastohold,andwhatatinywedding-ringitwastosee!'Youknow,mylove,itisnotexactlycomfortabletohavetogooutwithoutone'sdinner.Now,isit?''N-n-no!'repliedDora,faintly.'Mylove,howyoutremble!''BecauseIKNOWyou'regoingtoscoldme,'exclaimedDora,inapiteousvoice.'Mysweet,Iamonlygoingtoreason.''Oh,butreasoningisworsethanscolding!'exclaimedDora,indespair.'Ididn'tmarrytobereasonedwith.IfyoumeanttoreasonwithsuchapoorlittlethingasIam,yououghttohavetoldmeso,youcruelboy!'ItriedtopacifyDora,butsheturnedawayherface,andshookhercurlsfromsidetoside,andsaid,'Youcruel,cruelboy!'somanytimes,thatIreallydidnotexactlyknowwhattodo:soItookafewturnsupanddowntheroominmyuncertainty,andcamebackagain.
'Dora,mydarling!''No,Iamnotyourdarling.Becauseyoumustbesorrythatyoumarriedme,orelseyouwouldn'treasonwithme!'returnedDora.Ifeltsoinjuredbytheinconsequentialnatureofthischarge,thatitgavemecouragetobegrave.'Now,myownDora,'saidI,'youareverychildish,andaretalkingnonsense.Youmustremember,Iamsure,thatIwasobligedtogooutyesterdaywhendinnerwashalfover;andthat,thedaybefore,Iwasmadequiteunwellbybeingobligedtoeatunderdonevealinahurry;today,Idon'tdineatall-andIamafraidtosayhowlongwewaitedforbreakfast-andthenthewaterdidn'tboil.Idon'tmeantoreproachyou,mydear,butthisisnotcomfortable.''Oh,youcruel,cruelboy,tosayIamadisagreeablewife!'criedDora.'Now,mydearDora,youmustknowthatIneversaidthat!''Yousaid,Iwasn'tcomfortable!'criedDora.
'Isaidthehousekeepingwasnotcomfortable!''It'sexactlythesamething!'criedDora.Andsheevidentlythoughtso,forsheweptmostgrievously.Itookanotherturnacrosstheroom,fullofloveformyprettywife,anddistractedbyself-accusatoryinclinationstoknockmyheadagainstthedoor.Isatdownagain,andsaid:'Iamnotblamingyou,Dora.Wehavebothagreatdealtolearn.Iamonlytryingtoshowyou,mydear,thatyoumust-youreallymust'(Iwasresolvednottogivethisup)-'accustomyourselftolookafterMaryAnne.Likewisetoactalittleforyourself,andme.''Iwonder,Ido,atyourmakingsuchungratefulspeeches,'sobbedDora.'Whenyouknowthattheotherday,whenyousaidyouwouldlikealittlebitoffish,Iwentoutmyself,milesandmiles,andorderedit,tosurpriseyou.''Anditwasverykindofyou,myowndarling,'saidI.'IfeltitsomuchthatIwouldn'tonanyaccounthaveevenmentionedthatyouboughtaSalmon-whichwastoomuchfortwo.Orthatitcostone
poundsix-whichwasmorethanwecanafford.''Youenjoyeditverymuch,'sobbedDora.'AndyousaidIwasaMouse.''AndI'llsaysoagain,mylove,'Ireturned,'athousandtimes!'ButIhadwoundedDora'ssoftlittleheart,andshewasnottobecomforted.Shewassopatheticinhersobbingandbewailing,thatIfeltasifIhadsaidIdon'tknowwhattohurther.Iwasobligedtohurryaway;Iwaskeptoutlate;andIfeltallnightsuchpangsofremorseasmadememiserable.Ihadtheconscienceofanassassin,andwashauntedbyavaguesenseofenormouswickedness.ItwastwoorthreehourspastmidnightwhenIgothome.Ifoundmyaunt,inourhouse,sittingupforme.'Isanythingthematter,aunt?'saidI,alarmed.'Nothing,Trot,'shereplied.'Sitdown,sitdown.LittleBlossomhasbeenratheroutofspirits,andIhavebeenkeepinghercompany.That'sall.'
Ileanedmyheaduponmyhand;andfeltmoresorryanddowncast,asIsatlookingatthefire,thanIcouldhavesupposedpossiblesosoonafterthefulfilmentofmybrightesthopes.AsIsatthinking,Ihappenedtomeetmyaunt'seyes,whichwererestingonmyface.Therewasananxiousexpressioninthem,butitcleareddirectly.'Iassureyou,aunt,'saidI,'Ihavebeenquiteunhappymyselfallnight,tothinkofDora'sbeingso.ButIhadnootherintentionthantospeaktohertenderlyandlovinglyaboutourhome-affairs.'MYauntnoddedencouragement.'Youmusthavepatience,Trot,'saidshe.'Ofcourse.HeavenknowsIdon'tmeantobeunreasonable,aunt!''No,no,'saidmyaunt.'ButLittleBlossomisaverytenderlittleblossom,andthewindmustbegentlewithher.'Ithankedmygoodaunt,inmyheart,forhertendernesstowardsmywife;andIwassurethatsheknewIdid.
'Don'tyouthink,aunt,'saidI,aftersomefurthercontemplationofthefire,'thatyoucouldadviseandcounselDoraalittle,forourmutualadvantage,nowandthen?''Trot,'returnedmyaunt,withsomeemotion,'no!Don'taskmesuchathing.'HertonewassoveryearnestthatIraisedmyeyesinsurprise.'Ilookbackonmylife,child,'saidmyaunt,'andIthinkofsomewhoareintheirgraves,withwhomImighthavebeenonkinderterms.IfIjudgedharshlyofotherpeople'smistakesinmarriage,itmayhavebeenbecauseIhadbitterreasontojudgeharshlyofmyown.Letthatpass.Ihavebeenagrumpy,frumpy,waywardsortofawoman,agoodmanyyears.Iamstill,andIalwaysshallbe.ButyouandIhavedoneoneanothersomegood,Trot,-atallevents,youhavedonemegood,mydear;anddivisionmustnotcomebetweenus,atthistimeofday.''Divisionbetweenus!'criedI.'Child,child!'saidmyaunt,smoothingherdress,'howsoonit
mightcomebetweenus,orhowunhappyImightmakeourLittleBlossom,ifImeddledinanything,aprophetcouldn'tsay.Iwantourpettolikeme,andbeasgayasabutterfly.Rememberyourownhome,inthatsecondmarriage;andneverdobothmeandhertheinjuryyouhavehintedat!'Icomprehended,atonce,thatmyauntwasright;andIcomprehendedthefullextentofhergenerousfeelingtowardsmydearwife.'Theseareearlydays,Trot,'shepursued,'andRomewasnotbuiltinaday,norinayear.Youhavechosenfreelyforyourself';acloudpassedoverherfaceforamoment,Ithought;'andyouhavechosenaveryprettyandaveryaffectionatecreature.Itwillbeyourduty,anditwillbeyourpleasuretoo-ofcourseIknowthat;Iamnotdeliveringalecture-toestimateher(asyouchoseher)bythequalitiesshehas,andnotbythequalitiesshemaynothave.Thelatteryoumustdevelopinher,ifyoucan.Andifyoucannot,child,'heremyauntrubbedhernose,'youmustjustaccustomyourselftodowithout'em.Butremember,mydear,yourfutureisbetweenyoutwo.Noonecanassistyou;youaretoworkitoutforyourselves.Thisismarriage,Trot;andHeavenblessyouboth,init,forapairofbabesinthewoodasyouare!'
Myauntsaidthisinasprightlyway,andgavemeakisstoratifytheblessing.'Now,'saidshe,'lightmylittlelantern,andseemeintomybandboxbythegardenpath';fortherewasacommunicationbetweenourcottagesinthatdirection.'GiveBetseyTrotwood'slovetoBlossom,whenyoucomeback;andwhateveryoudo,Trot,neverdreamofsettingBetseyupasascarecrow,forifIeversawherintheglass,she'squitegrimenoughandgauntenoughinherprivatecapacity!'Withthismyaunttiedherheadupinahandkerchief,withwhichshewasaccustomedtomakeabundleofitonsuchoccasions;andIescortedherhome.Asshestoodinhergarden,holdingupherlittlelanterntolightmeback,Ithoughtherobservationofmehadananxiousairagain;butIwastoomuchoccupiedinponderingonwhatshehadsaid,andtoomuchimpressed-forthefirsttime,inreality-bytheconvictionthatDoraandIhadindeedtoworkoutourfutureforourselves,andthatnoonecouldassistus,totakemuchnoticeofit.Doracamestealingdowninherlittleslippers,tomeetme,nowthatIwasalone;andcrieduponmyshoulder,andsaidIhadbeen
hard-heartedandshehadbeennaughty;andIsaidmuchthesamethingineffect,Ibelieve;andwemadeitup,andagreedthatourfirstlittledifferencewastobeourlast,andthatwewerenevertohaveanotherifwelivedahundredyears.Thenextdomestictrialwewentthrough,wastheOrdealofServants.MaryAnne'scousindesertedintoourcoal-hole,andwasbroughtout,toourgreatamazement,byapiquetofhiscompanionsinarms,whotookhimawayhandcuffedinaprocessionthatcoveredourfront-gardenwithignominy.ThisnervedmetogetridofMaryAnne,whowentsomildly,onreceiptofwages,thatIwassurprised,untilIfoundoutaboutthetea-spoons,andalsoaboutthelittlesumsshehadborrowedinmynameofthetradespeoplewithoutauthority.AfteranintervalofMrs.Kidgerbury-theoldestinhabitantofKentishTown,Ibelieve,whowentoutcharing,butwastoofeebletoexecuteherconceptionsofthatart-wefoundanothertreasure,whowasoneofthemostamiableofwomen,butwhogenerallymadeapointoffallingeitherupordownthekitchenstairswiththetray,andalmostplungedintotheparlour,asintoabath,withthetea-things.Theravagescommittedbythisunfortunate,renderingherdismissalnecessary,shewassucceeded(withintervalsofMrs.Kidgerbury)byalonglineofIncapables;terminatinginayoungpersonofgenteelappearance,whowentto
GreenwichFairinDora'sbonnet.AfterwhomIremembernothingbutanaverageequalityoffailure.Everybodywehadanythingtodowithseemedtocheatus.Ourappearanceinashopwasasignalforthedamagedgoodstobebroughtoutimmediately.Ifweboughtalobster,itwasfullofwater.Allourmeatturnedouttobetough,andtherewashardlyanycrusttoourloaves.Insearchoftheprincipleonwhichjointsoughttoberoasted,toberoastedenough,andnottoomuch,ImyselfreferredtotheCookeryBook,andfounditthereestablishedastheallowanceofaquarterofanhourtoeverypound,andsayaquarterover.Buttheprinciplealwaysfailedusbysomecuriousfatality,andwenevercouldhitanymediumbetweenrednessandcinders.Ihadreasontobelievethatinaccomplishingthesefailuresweincurredafargreaterexpensethanifwehadachievedaseriesoftriumphs.Itappearedtome,onlookingoverthetradesmen'sbooks,asifwemighthavekeptthebasementstoreypavedwithbutter,suchwastheextensivescaleofourconsumptionofthatarticle.Idon'tknowwhethertheExcisereturnsoftheperiodmayhaveexhibitedanyincreaseinthedemandforpepper;butifourperformancesdidnotaffectthemarket,Ishouldsayseveral
familiesmusthaveleftoffusingit.Andthemostwonderfulfactofallwas,thatweneverhadanythinginthehouse.Astothewasherwomanpawningtheclothes,andcominginastateofpenitentintoxicationtoapologize,Isupposethatmighthavehappenedseveraltimestoanybody.Alsothechimneyonfire,theparishengine,andperjuryonthepartoftheBeadle.ButIapprehendthatwewerepersonallyfortunateinengagingaservantwithatasteforcordials,whoswelledourrunningaccountforporteratthepublic-housebysuchinexplicableitemsas'quarternrumshrub(Mrs.C.)';'Half-quarternginandcloves(Mrs.C.)';'Glassrumandpeppermint(Mrs.C.)'-theparenthesesalwaysreferringtoDora,whowassupposed,itappearedonexplanation,tohaveimbibedthewholeoftheserefreshments.OneofourfirstfeatsinthehousekeepingwaywasalittledinnertoTraddles.Imethimintown,andaskedhimtowalkoutwithmethatafternoon.Hereadilyconsenting,IwrotetoDora,sayingIwouldbringhimhome.Itwaspleasantweather,andontheroadwemademydomestichappinessthethemeofconversation.Traddleswasveryfullofit;andsaid,that,picturinghimselfwithsuchahome,andSophywaitingandpreparingforhim,hecouldthinkofnothingwantingtocompletehisbliss.
Icouldnothavewishedforaprettierlittlewifeattheoppositeendofthetable,butIcertainlycouldhavewished,whenwesatdown,foralittlemoreroom.Ididnotknowhowitwas,butthoughtherewereonlytwoofus,wewereatoncealwayscrampedforroom,andyethadalwaysroomenoughtoloseeverythingin.Isuspectitmayhavebeenbecausenothinghadaplaceofitsown,exceptJip'spagoda,whichinvariablyblockedupthemainthoroughfare.Onthepresentoccasion,Traddleswassohemmedinbythepagodaandtheguitar-case,andDora'sflower-painting,andmywriting-table,thatIhadseriousdoubtsofthepossibilityofhisusinghisknifeandfork;butheprotested,withhisowngood-humour,'Oceansofroom,Copperfield!Iassureyou,Oceans!'TherewasanotherthingIcouldhavewished,namely,thatJiphadneverbeenencouragedtowalkaboutthetableclothduringdinner.Ibegantothinktherewassomethingdisorderlyinhisbeingthereatall,evenifhehadnotbeeninthehabitofputtinghisfootinthesaltorthemeltedbutter.OnthisoccasionheseemedtothinkhewasintroducedexpresslytokeepTraddlesatbay;andhebarkedatmyoldfriend,andmadeshortrunsathisplate,withsuchundauntedpertinacity,thathemaybesaidtohaveengrossedtheconversation.
However,asIknewhowtender-heartedmydearDorawas,andhowsensitiveshewouldbetoanyslightuponherfavourite,Ihintednoobjection.ForsimilarreasonsImadenoallusiontotheskirmishingplatesuponthefloor;ortothedisreputableappearanceofthecastors,whichwereallatsixesandsevens,andlookeddrunk;ortothefurtherblockadeofTraddlesbywanderingvegetabledishesandjugs.Icouldnothelpwonderinginmyownmind,asIcontemplatedtheboiledlegofmuttonbeforeme,previoustocarvingit,howitcametopassthatourjointsofmeatwereofsuchextraordinaryshapes-andwhetherourbutchercontractedforallthedeformedsheepthatcameintotheworld;butIkeptmyreflectionstomyself.'Mylove,'saidItoDora,'whathaveyougotinthatdish?'IcouldnotimaginewhyDorahadbeenmakingtemptinglittlefacesatme,asifshewantedtokissme.'Oysters,dear,'saidDora,timidly.'WasthatYOURthought?'saidI,delighted.
'Ye-yes,Doady,'saidDora.'Thereneverwasahappierone!'Iexclaimed,layingdownthecarving-knifeandfork.'ThereisnothingTraddleslikessomuch!''Ye-yes,Doady,'saidDora,'andsoIboughtabeautifullittlebarrelofthem,andthemansaidtheywereverygood.ButI-Iamafraidthere'ssomethingthematterwiththem.Theydon'tseemright.'HereDorashookherhead,anddiamondstwinkledinhereyes.'Theyareonlyopenedinbothshells,'saidI.'Takethetoponeoff,mylove.''Butitwon'tcomeoff!'saidDora,tryingveryhard,andlookingverymuchdistressed.'Doyouknow,Copperfield,'saidTraddles,cheerfullyexaminingthedish,'Ithinkitisinconsequence-theyarecapitaloysters,butIthinkitisinconsequence-oftheirneverhavingbeenopened.'Theyneverhadbeenopened;andwehadnooyster-knives-andcouldn'thaveusedthemifwehad;sowelookedattheoystersand
atethemutton.Atleastweateasmuchofitaswasdone,andmadeupwithcapers.IfIhadpermittedhim,IamsatisfiedthatTraddleswouldhavemadeaperfectsavageofhimself,andeatenaplatefulofrawmeat,toexpressenjoymentoftherepast;butIwouldhearofnosuchimmolationonthealtaroffriendship,andwehadacourseofbaconinstead;therehappening,bygoodfortune,tobecoldbaconinthelarder.MypoorlittlewifewasinsuchafflictionwhenshethoughtIshouldbeannoyed,andinsuchastateofjoywhenshefoundIwasnot,thatthediscomfitureIhadsubdued,verysoonvanished,andwepassedahappyevening;DorasittingwithherarmonmychairwhileTraddlesandIdiscussedaglassofwine,andtakingeveryopportunityofwhisperinginmyearthatitwassogoodofmenottobeacruel,crossoldboy.Byandbyshemadeteaforus;whichitwassoprettytoseeherdo,asifshewasbusyingherselfwithasetofdoll'stea-things,thatIwasnotparticularaboutthequalityofthebeverage.ThenTraddlesandIplayedagameortwoatcribbage;andDorasingingtotheguitarthewhile,itseemedtomeasifourcourtshipandmarriagewereatenderdreamofmine,andthenightwhenIfirstlistenedtohervoicewerenotyetover.WhenTraddleswentaway,andIcamebackintotheparlourfrom
seeinghimout,mywifeplantedherchairclosetomine,andsatdownbymyside.'Iamverysorry,'shesaid.'Willyoutrytoteachme,Doady?''Imustteachmyselffirst,Dora,'saidI.'Iamasbadasyou,love.''Ah!Butyoucanlearn,'shereturned;'andyouareaclever,cleverman!''Nonsense,mouse!'saidI.'Iwish,'resumedmywife,afteralongsilence,'thatIcouldhavegonedownintothecountryforawholeyear,andlivedwithAgnes!'Herhandswereclaspeduponmyshoulder,andherchinrestedonthem,andherblueeyeslookedquietlyintomine.'Whyso?'Iasked.'Ithinkshemighthaveimprovedme,andIthinkImighthavelearnedfromher,'saidDora.
'Allingoodtime,mylove.Agneshashadherfathertotakecareofforthesemanyyears,youshouldremember.Evenwhenshewasquiteachild,shewastheAgneswhomweknow,'saidI.'WillyoucallmeanameIwantyoutocallme?'inquiredDora,withoutmoving.'Whatisit?'Iaskedwithasmile.'It'sastupidname,'shesaid,shakinghercurlsforamoment.'Child-wife.'Ilaughinglyaskedmychild-wifewhatherfancywasindesiringtobesocalled.Sheansweredwithoutmoving,otherwisethanasthearmItwinedabouthermayhavebroughtherblueeyesnearertome:'Idon'tmean,yousillyfellow,thatyoushouldusethenameinsteadofDora.Ionlymeanthatyoushouldthinkofmethatway.Whenyouaregoingtobeangrywithme,saytoyourself,"it'sonlymychild-wife!"WhenIamverydisappointing,say,"Iknew,alongtimeago,thatshewouldmakebutachild-wife!"WhenyoumisswhatIshouldliketobe,andIthinkcanneverbe,say,"stillmyfoolishchild-wifelovesme!"ForindeedIdo.'
Ihadnotbeenseriouswithher;havingnoideauntilnow,thatshewasseriousherself.ButheraffectionatenaturewassohappyinwhatInowsaidtoherwithmywholeheart,thatherfacebecamealaughingonebeforeherglitteringeyesweredry.Shewassoonmychild-wifeindeed;sittingdownontheflooroutsidetheChineseHouse,ringingallthelittlebellsoneafteranother,topunishJipforhisrecentbadbehaviour;whileJiplayblinkinginthedoorwaywithhisheadout,eventoolazytobeteased.ThisappealofDora'smadeastrongimpressiononme.IlookbackonthetimeIwriteof;IinvoketheinnocentfigurethatIdearlyloved,tocomeoutfromthemistsandshadowsofthepast,andturnitsgentleheadtowardsmeonceagain;andIcanstilldeclarethatthisonelittlespeechwasconstantlyinmymemory.Imaynothaveusedittothebestaccount;Iwasyoungandinexperienced;butIneverturnedadeafeartoitsartlesspleading.Doratoldme,shortlyafterwards,thatshewasgoingtobeawonderfulhousekeeper.Accordingly,shepolishedthetablets,pointedthepencil,boughtanimmenseaccount-book,carefullystitchedupwithaneedleandthreadalltheleavesoftheCookeryBookwhichJiphadtorn,andmadequiteadesperatelittleattempt
'tobegood',asshecalledit.Butthefigureshadtheoldobstinatepropensity-theyWOULDNOTaddup.Whenshehadenteredtwoorthreelaboriousitemsintheaccount-book,Jipwouldwalkoverthepage,wagginghistail,andsmearthemallout.Herownlittleright-handmiddlefingergotsteepedtotheveryboneinink;andIthinkthatwastheonlydecidedresultobtained.Sometimes,ofanevening,whenIwasathomeandatwork-forIwroteagooddealnow,andwasbeginninginasmallwaytobeknownasawriter-Iwouldlaydownmypen,andwatchmychild-wifetryingtobegood.Firstofall,shewouldbringouttheimmenseaccount-book,andlayitdownuponthetable,withadeepsigh.ThenshewouldopenitattheplacewhereJiphadmadeitillegiblelastnight,andcallJipup,tolookathismisdeeds.ThiswouldoccasionadiversioninJip'sfavour,andsomeinkingofhisnose,perhaps,asapenalty.ThenshewouldtellJiptoliedownonthetableinstantly,'likealion'-whichwasoneofhistricks,thoughIcannotsaythelikenesswasstriking-and,ifhewereinanobedienthumour,hewouldobey.Thenshewouldtakeupapen,andbegintowrite,andfindahairinit.Thenshewouldtakeupanotherpen,andbegintowrite,andfindthatitspluttered.Thenshewouldtakeupanotherpen,andbegintowrite,andsayinalowvoice,'Oh,it'satalkingpen,andwilldisturbDoady!'Andthen
shewouldgiveitupasabadjob,andputtheaccount-bookaway,afterpretendingtocrushthelionwithit.Or,ifshewereinaverysedateandseriousstateofmind,shewouldsitdownwiththetablets,andalittlebasketofbillsandotherdocuments,whichlookedmorelikecurl-papersthananythingelse,andendeavourtogetsomeresultoutofthem.Afterseverelycomparingonewithanother,andmakingentriesonthetablets,andblottingthemout,andcountingallthefingersofherlefthandoverandoveragain,backwardsandforwards,shewouldbesovexedanddiscouraged,andwouldlooksounhappy,thatitgavemepaintoseeherbrightfaceclouded-andforme!-andIwouldgosoftlytoher,andsay:'What'sthematter,Dora?'Dorawouldlookuphopelessly,andreply,'Theywon'tcomeright.Theymakemyheadacheso.Andtheywon'tdoanythingIwant!'ThenIwouldsay,'Nowletustrytogether.Letmeshowyou,Dora.'ThenIwouldcommenceapracticaldemonstration,towhichDora
wouldpayprofoundattention,perhapsforfiveminutes;whenshewouldbegintobedreadfullytired,andwouldlightenthesubjectbycurlingmyhair,ortryingtheeffectofmyfacewithmyshirt-collarturneddown.IfItacitlycheckedthisplayfulness,andpersisted,shewouldlooksoscaredanddisconsolate,asshebecamemoreandmorebewildered,thattheremembranceofhernaturalgaietywhenIfirststrayedintoherpath,andofherbeingmychild-wife,wouldcomereproachfullyuponme;andIwouldlaythepencildown,andcallfortheguitar.Ihadagreatdealofworktodo,andhadmanyanxieties,butthesameconsiderationsmademekeepthemtomyself.Iamfarfromsure,now,thatitwasrighttodothis,butIdiditformychild-wife'ssake.Isearchmybreast,andIcommititssecrets,ifIknowthem,withoutanyreservationtothispaper.Theoldunhappylossorwantofsomethinghad,Iamconscious,someplaceinmyheart;butnottotheembittermentofmylife.WhenIwalkedaloneinthefineweather,andthoughtofthesummerdayswhenalltheairhadbeenfilledwithmyboyishenchantment,Ididmisssomethingoftherealizationofmydreams;butIthoughtitwasasoftenedgloryofthePast,whichnothingcouldhavethrownuponthepresenttime.Ididfeel,sometimes,foralittlewhile,thatIcouldhavewishedmywifehadbeenmycounsellor;hadhadmore
characterandpurpose,tosustainmeandimprovemeby;hadbeenendowedwithpowertofillupthevoidwhichsomewhereseemedtobeaboutme;butIfeltasifthiswereanunearthlyconsummationofmyhappiness,thatneverhadbeenmeanttobe,andnevercouldhavebeen.Iwasaboyishhusbandastoyears.Ihadknownthesofteninginfluenceofnoothersorrowsorexperiencesthanthoserecordedintheseleaves.IfIdidanywrong,asImayhavedonemuch,Ididitinmistakenlove,andinmywantofwisdom.Iwritetheexacttruth.Itwouldavailmenothingtoextenuateitnow.ThusitwasthatItookuponmyselfthetoilsandcaresofourlife,andhadnopartnerinthem.Welivedmuchasbefore,inreferencetoourscramblinghouseholdarrangements;butIhadgotusedtothose,andDoraIwaspleasedtoseewasseldomvexednow.Shewasbrightandcheerfulintheoldchildishway,lovedmedearly,andwashappywithheroldtrifles.Whenthedebateswereheavy-Imeanastolength,notquality,forinthelastrespecttheywerenotoftenotherwise-andIwenthomelate,Dorawouldneverrestwhensheheardmyfootsteps,butwouldalwayscomedownstairstomeetme.Whenmyeveningswere
unoccupiedbythepursuitforwhichIhadqualifiedmyselfwithsomuchpains,andIwasengagedinwritingathome,shewouldsitquietlynearme,howeverlatethehour,andbesomute,thatIwouldoftenthinkshehaddroppedasleep.Butgenerally,whenIraisedmyhead,IsawherblueeyeslookingatmewiththequietattentionofwhichIhavealreadyspoken.'Oh,whatawearyboy!'saidDoraonenight,whenImethereyesasIwasshuttingupmydesk.'Whatawearygirl!'saidI.'That'smoretothepurpose.Youmustgotobedanothertime,mylove.It'sfartoolateforyou.''No,don'tsendmetobed!'pleadedDora,comingtomyside.'Pray,don'tdothat!''Dora!'Tomyamazementshewassobbingonmyneck.'Notwell,mydear!nothappy!''Yes!quitewell,andveryhappy!'saidDora.'Butsayyou'llletmestop,andseeyouwrite.''Why,whatasightforsuchbrighteyesatmidnight!'Ireplied.
'Aretheybright,though?'returnedDora,laughing.'I'msogladthey'rebright.''LittleVanity!'saidI.Butitwasnotvanity;itwasonlyharmlessdelightinmyadmiration.Iknewthatverywell,beforeshetoldmeso.'Ifyouthinkthempretty,sayImayalwaysstop,andseeyouwrite!'saidDora.'Doyouthinkthempretty?''Verypretty.''Thenletmealwaysstopandseeyouwrite.''Iamafraidthatwon'timprovetheirbrightness,Dora.''Yes,itwill!Because,youcleverboy,you'llnotforgetmethen,whileyouarefullofsilentfancies.Willyoumindit,ifIsaysomethingvery,verysilly?-morethanusual?'inquiredDora,peepingovermyshoulderintomyface.'Whatwonderfulthingisthat?'saidI.
'Pleaseletmeholdthepens,'saidDora.'Iwanttohavesomethingtodowithallthosemanyhourswhenyouaresoindustrious.MayIholdthepens?'TheremembranceofherprettyjoywhenIsaidyes,bringstearsintomyeyes.ThenexttimeIsatdowntowrite,andregularlyafterwards,shesatinheroldplace,withasparebundleofpensatherside.Hertriumphinthisconnexionwithmywork,andherdelightwhenIwantedanewpen-whichIveryoftenfeignedtodo-suggestedtomeanewwayofpleasingmychild-wife.Ioccasionallymadeapretenceofwantingapageortwoofmanuscriptcopied.ThenDorawasinherglory.Thepreparationsshemadeforthisgreatwork,theapronssheputon,thebibssheborrowedfromthekitchentokeepofftheink,thetimeshetook,theinnumerablestoppagesshemadetohavealaughwithJipasifheunderstooditall,herconvictionthatherworkwasincompleteunlessshesignedhernameattheend,andthewayinwhichshewouldbringittome,likeaschool-copy,andthen,whenIpraisedit,claspmeroundtheneck,aretouchingrecollectionstome,simpleastheymightappeartoothermen.Shetookpossessionofthekeyssoonafterthis,andwentjingling
aboutthehousewiththewholebunchinalittlebasket,tiedtoherslenderwaist.Iseldomfoundthattheplacestowhichtheybelongedwerelocked,orthattheywereofanyuseexceptasaplaythingforJip-butDorawaspleased,andthatpleasedme.Shewasquitesatisfiedthatagooddealwaseffectedbythismake-beliefofhousekeeping;andwasasmerryasifwehadbeenkeepingababy-house,forajoke.Sowewenton.Dorawashardlylessaffectionatetomyauntthantome,andoftentoldherofthetimewhenshewasafraidshewas'acrossoldthing'.Ineversawmyauntunbendmoresystematicallytoanyone.ShecourtedJip,thoughJipneverresponded;listened,dayafterday,totheguitar,thoughIamafraidshehadnotasteformusic;neverattackedtheIncapables,thoughthetemptationmusthavebeensevere;wentwonderfuldistancesonfoottopurchase,assurprises,anytriflesthatshefoundoutDorawanted;andnevercameinbythegarden,andmissedherfromtheroom,butshewouldcallout,atthefootofthestairs,inavoicethatsoundedcheerfullyalloverthehouse:'Where'sLittleBlossom?'CHAPTER45
Mr.Dickfulfilsmyaunt'sPredictionsItwassometimenow,sinceIhadlefttheDoctor.Livinginhisneighbourhood,Isawhimfrequently;andweallwenttohishouseontwoorthreeoccasionstodinnerortea.TheOldSoldierwasinpermanentquartersundertheDoctor'sroof.Shewasexactlythesameasever,andthesameimmortalbutterflieshoveredoverhercap.Likesomeothermothers,whomIhaveknowninthecourseofmylife,Mrs.Marklehamwasfarmorefondofpleasurethanherdaughterwas.Sherequiredagreatdealofamusement,and,likeadeepoldsoldier,pretended,inconsultingherowninclinations,tobedevotingherselftoherchild.TheDoctor'sdesirethatAnnieshouldbeentertained,wasthereforeparticularlyacceptabletothisexcellentparent;whoexpressedunqualifiedapprovalofhisdiscretion.Ihavenodoubt,indeed,thatsheprobedtheDoctor'swoundwithoutknowingit.Meaningnothingbutacertainmaturedfrivolityandselfishness,notalwaysinseparablefromfull-blownyears,Ithinksheconfirmedhiminhisfearthathewasaconstraintuponhis
youngwife,andthattherewasnocongenialityoffeelingbetweenthem,bysostronglycommendinghisdesignoflighteningtheloadofherlife.'Mydearsoul,'shesaidtohimonedaywhenIwaspresent,'youknowthereisnodoubtitwouldbealittlepokeyforAnnietobealwaysshutuphere.'TheDoctornoddedhisbenevolenthead.'Whenshecomestohermother'sage,'saidMrs.Markleham,withaflourishofherfan,'thenit'llbeanotherthing.YoumightputMEintoaJail,withgenteelsocietyandarubber,andIshouldnevercaretocomeout.ButIamnotAnnie,youknow;andAnnieisnothermother.''Surely,surely,'saidtheDoctor.'Youarethebestofcreatures-no,Ibegyourpardon!'fortheDoctormadeagestureofdeprecation,'Imustsaybeforeyourface,asIalwayssaybehindyourback,youarethebestofcreatures;butofcourseyoudon't-nowdoyou?-enterintothesamepursuitsandfanciesasAnnie?''No,'saidtheDoctor,inasorrowfultone.
'No,ofcoursenot,'retortedtheOldSoldier.'TakeyourDictionary,forexample.WhatausefulworkaDictionaryis!Whatanecessarywork!Themeaningsofwords!WithoutDoctorJohnson,orsomebodyofthatsort,wemighthavebeenatthispresentmomentcallinganItalian-iron,abedstead.Butwecan'texpectaDictionary-especiallywhenit'smaking-tointerestAnnie,canwe?'TheDoctorshookhishead.'Andthat'swhyIsomuchapprove,'saidMrs.Markleham,tappinghimontheshoulderwithhershut-upfan,'ofyourthoughtfulness.Itshowsthatyoudon'texpect,asmanyelderlypeopledoexpect,oldheadsonyoungshoulders.YouhavestudiedAnnie'scharacter,andyouunderstandit.That'swhatIfindsocharming!'EventhecalmandpatientfaceofDoctorStrongexpressedsomelittlesenseofpain,Ithought,undertheinflictionofthesecompliments.'Therefore,mydearDoctor,'saidtheOldSoldier,givinghimseveralaffectionatetaps,'youmaycommandme,atalltimesand
seasons.Now,dounderstandthatIamentirelyatyourservice.IamreadytogowithAnnietooperas,concerts,exhibitions,allkindsofplaces;andyoushallneverfindthatIamtired.Duty,mydearDoctor,beforeeveryconsiderationintheuniverse!'Shewasasgoodasherword.Shewasoneofthosepeoplewhocanbearagreatdealofpleasure,andsheneverflinchedinherperseveranceinthecause.Sheseldomgotholdofthenewspaper(whichshesettledherselfdowninthesoftestchairinthehousetoreadthroughaneye-glass,everyday,fortwohours),butshefoundoutsomethingthatshewascertainAnniewouldliketosee.ItwasinvainforAnnietoprotestthatshewaswearyofsuchthings.Hermother'sremonstrancealwayswas,'Now,mydearAnnie,Iamsureyouknowbetter;andImusttellyou,mylove,thatyouarenotmakingaproperreturnforthekindnessofDoctorStrong.'ThiswasusuallysaidintheDoctor'spresence,andappearedtometoconstituteAnnie'sprincipalinducementforwithdrawingherobjectionswhenshemadeany.Butingeneralsheresignedherselftohermother,andwentwheretheOldSoldierwould.ItrarelyhappenednowthatMr.Maldonaccompaniedthem.SometimesmyauntandDorawereinvitedtodoso,andacceptedthe
invitation.SometimesDoraonlywasasked.Thetimehadbeen,whenIshouldhavebeenuneasyinhergoing;butreflectiononwhathadpassedthatformernightintheDoctor'sstudy,hadmadeachangeinmymistrust.IbelievedthattheDoctorwasright,andIhadnoworsesuspicions.Myauntrubbedhernosesometimeswhenshehappenedtobealonewithme,andsaidshecouldn'tmakeitout;shewishedtheywerehappier;shedidn'tthinkourmilitaryfriend(soshealwayscalledtheOldSoldier)mendedthematteratall.Myauntfurtherexpressedheropinion,'thatifourmilitaryfriendwouldcutoffthosebutterflies,andgive'emtothechimney-sweepersforMay-day,itwouldlooklikethebeginningofsomethingsensibleonherpart.'ButherabidingreliancewasonMr.Dick.Thatmanhadevidentlyanideainhishead,shesaid;andifhecouldonlyoncepenitupintoacorner,whichwashisgreatdifficulty,hewoulddistinguishhimselfinsomeextraordinarymanner.Unconsciousofthisprediction,Mr.DickcontinuedtooccupypreciselythesamegroundinreferencetotheDoctorandtoMrs.Strong.Heseemedneithertoadvancenortorecede.Heappeared
tohavesettledintohisoriginalfoundation,likeabuilding;andImustconfessthatmyfaithinhiseverMoving,wasnotmuchgreaterthanifhehadbeenabuilding.Butonenight,whenIhadbeenmarriedsomemonths,Mr.Dickputhisheadintotheparlour,whereIwaswritingalone(Dorahavinggoneoutwithmyaunttotaketeawiththetwolittlebirds),andsaid,withasignificantcough:'Youcouldn'tspeaktomewithoutinconveniencingyourself,Trotwood,Iamafraid?''Certainly,Mr.Dick,'saidI;'comein!''Trotwood,'saidMr.Dick,layinghisfingeronthesideofhisnose,afterhehadshakenhandswithme.'BeforeIsitdown,Iwishtomakeanobservation.Youknowyouraunt?''Alittle,'Ireplied.'Sheisthemostwonderfulwomanintheworld,sir!'Afterthedeliveryofthiscommunication,whichheshotoutof
himselfasifhewereloadedwithit,Mr.Dicksatdownwithgreatergravitythanusual,andlookedatme.'Now,boy,'saidMr.Dick,'Iamgoingtoputaquestiontoyou.''Asmanyasyouplease,'saidI.'Whatdoyouconsiderme,sir?'askedMr.Dick,foldinghisarms.'Adearoldfriend,'saidI.'Thankyou,Trotwood,'returnedMr.Dick,laughing,andreachingacrossinhighgleetoshakehandswithme.'ButImean,boy,'resuminghisgravity,'whatdoyouconsidermeinthisrespect?'touchinghisforehead.Iwaspuzzledhowtoanswer,buthehelpedmewithaword.'Weak?'saidMr.Dick.'Well,'Ireplied,dubiously.'Ratherso.''Exactly!'criedMr.Dick,whoseemedquiteenchantedbymyreply.'Thatis,Trotwood,whentheytooksomeofthetroubleoutof
you-know-who'shead,andputityouknowwhere,therewasa-'Mr.Dickmadehistwohandsrevolveveryfastabouteachotheragreatnumberoftimes,andthenbroughtthemintocollision,androlledthemoverandoveroneanother,toexpressconfusion.'Therewasthatsortofthingdonetomesomehow.Eh?'Inoddedathim,andhenoddedbackagain.'Inshort,boy,'saidMr.Dick,droppinghisvoicetoawhisper,'Iamsimple.'Iwouldhavequalifiedthatconclusion,buthestoppedme.'Yes,Iam!ShepretendsIamnot.Shewon'thearofit;butIam.IknowIam.Ifshehadn'tstoodmyfriend,sir,Ishouldhavebeenshutup,toleadadismallifethesemanyyears.ButI'llprovideforher!Ineverspendthecopyingmoney.Iputitinabox.Ihavemadeawill.I'llleaveitalltoher.Sheshallberich-noble!'Mr.Dicktookouthispocket-handkerchief,andwipedhiseyes.Hethenfoldeditupwithgreatcare,presseditsmoothbetweenhistwohands,putitinhispocket,andseemedtoputmyauntaway
withit.'Nowyouareascholar,Trotwood,'saidMr.Dick.'Youareafinescholar.Youknowwhatalearnedman,whatagreatman,theDoctoris.Youknowwhathonourhehasalwaysdoneme.Notproudinhiswisdom.Humble,humble-condescendingeventopoorDick,whoissimpleandknowsnothing.Ihavesenthisnameup,onascrapofpaper,tothekite,alongthestring,whenithasbeeninthesky,amongthelarks.Thekitehasbeengladtoreceiveit,sir,andtheskyhasbeenbrighterwithit.'Idelightedhimbysaying,mostheartily,thattheDoctorwasdeservingofourbestrespectandhighestesteem.'Andhisbeautifulwifeisastar,'saidMr.Dick.'Ashiningstar.Ihaveseenhershine,sir.But,'bringinghischairnearer,andlayingonehanduponmyknee-'clouds,sir-clouds.'Iansweredthesolicitudewhichhisfaceexpressed,byconveyingthesameexpressionintomyown,andshakingmyhead.'Whatclouds?'saidMr.Dick.
Helookedsowistfullyintomyface,andwassoanxioustounderstand,thatItookgreatpainstoanswerhimslowlyanddistinctly,asImighthaveenteredonanexplanationtoachild.'Thereissomeunfortunatedivisionbetweenthem,'Ireplied.'Someunhappycauseofseparation.Asecret.Itmaybeinseparablefromthediscrepancyintheiryears.Itmayhavegrownupoutofalmostnothing.'Mr.Dick,whohadtoldoffeverysentencewithathoughtfulnod,pausedwhenIhaddone,andsatconsidering,withhiseyesuponmyface,andhishanduponmyknee.'Doctornotangrywithher,Trotwood?'hesaid,aftersometime.'No.Devotedtoher.''Then,Ihavegotit,boy!'saidMr.Dick.Thesuddenexultationwithwhichheslappedmeontheknee,andleanedbackinhischair,withhiseyebrowsliftedupashighashecouldpossiblyliftthem,mademethinkhimfartheroutofhiswitsthanever.Hebecameassuddenlygraveagain,andleaningforward
asbefore,said-firstrespectfullytakingouthispocket-handkerchief,asifitreallydidrepresentmyaunt:'Mostwonderfulwomanintheworld,Trotwood.Whyhasshedonenothingtosetthingsright?''Toodelicateanddifficultasubjectforsuchinterference,'Ireplied.'Finescholar,'saidMr.Dick,touchingmewithhisfinger.'WhyhasHEdonenothing?''Forthesamereason,'Ireturned.'Then,Ihavegotit,boy!'saidMr.Dick.Andhestoodupbeforeme,moreexultinglythanbefore,noddinghishead,andstrikinghimselfrepeatedlyuponthebreast,untilonemighthavesupposedthathehadnearlynoddedandstruckallthebreathoutofhisbody.'Apoorfellowwithacraze,sir,'saidMr.Dick,'asimpleton,aweak-mindedperson-presentcompany,youknow!'strikinghimselfagain,'maydowhatwonderfulpeoplemaynotdo.I'llbringthem
together,boy.I'lltry.They'llnotblameme.They'llnotobjecttome.They'llnotmindwhatIdo,ifit'swrong.I'monlyMr.Dick.AndwhomindsDick?Dick'snobody!Whoo!'Heblewaslight,contemptuousbreath,asifheblewhimselfaway.Itwasfortunatehehadproceededsofarwithhismystery,forweheardthecoachstopatthelittlegardengate,whichbroughtmyauntandDorahome.'Notaword,boy!'hepursuedinawhisper;'leavealltheblamewithDick-simpleDick-madDick.Ihavebeenthinking,sir,forsometime,thatIwasgettingit,andnowIhavegotit.Afterwhatyouhavesaidtome,IamsureIhavegotit.Allright!'NotanotherworddidMr.Dickutteronthesubject;buthemadeaverytelegraphofhimselfforthenexthalf-hour(tothegreatdisturbanceofmyaunt'smind),toenjoininviolablesecrecyonme.Tomysurprise,Iheardnomoreaboutitforsometwoorthreeweeks,thoughIwassufficientlyinterestedintheresultofhisendeavours;descryingastrangegleamofgoodsense-Isaynothingofgoodfeeling,forthathealwaysexhibited-intheconclusiontowhichhehadcome.AtlastIbegantobelieve,that,intheflightyandunsettledstateofhismind,hehadeitherforgotten
hisintentionorabandonedit.Onefairevening,whenDorawasnotinclinedtogoout,myauntandIstrolleduptotheDoctor'scottage.Itwasautumn,whentherewerenodebatestovextheeveningair;andIrememberhowtheleavessmeltlikeourgardenatBlunderstoneaswetrodthemunderfoot,andhowtheold,unhappyfeeling,seemedtogoby,onthesighingwind.Itwastwilightwhenwereachedthecottage.Mrs.Strongwasjustcomingoutofthegarden,whereMr.Dickyetlingered,busywithhisknife,helpingthegardenertopointsomestakes.TheDoctorwasengagedwithsomeoneinhisstudy;butthevisitorwouldbegonedirectly,Mrs.Strongsaid,andbeggedustoremainandseehim.Wewentintothedrawing-roomwithher,andsatdownbythedarkeningwindow.Therewasneveranyceremonyaboutthevisitsofsucholdfriendsandneighboursaswewere.Wehadnotsatheremanyminutes,whenMrs.Markleham,whousuallycontrivedtobeinafussaboutsomething,camebustlingin,withhernewspaperinherhand,andsaid,outofbreath,'Mygoodnessgracious,Annie,whydidn'tyoutellmetherewassomeoneintheStudy!'
'Mydearmama,'shequietlyreturned,'howcouldIknowthatyoudesiredtheinformation?''Desiredtheinformation!'saidMrs.Markleham,sinkingonthesofa.'Ineverhadsuchaturninallmylife!''HaveyoubeentotheStudy,then,mama?'askedAnnie.'BEENtotheStudy,mydear!'shereturnedemphatically.'IndeedIhave!Icameupontheamiablecreature-ifyou'llimaginemyfeelings,MissTrotwoodandDavid-intheactofmakinghiswill.'Herdaughterlookedroundfromthewindowquickly.'Intheact,mydearAnnie,'repeatedMrs.Markleham,spreadingthenewspaperonherlaplikeatable-cloth,andpattingherhandsuponit,'ofmakinghislastWillandTestament.Theforesightandaffectionofthedear!Imusttellyouhowitwas.Ireallymust,injusticetothedarling-forheisnothingless!-tellyouhowitwas.Perhapsyouknow,MissTrotwood,thatthereisneveracandlelightedinthishouse,untilone'seyesareliterallyfallingoutofone'sheadwithbeingstretchedtoreadthepaper.
Andthatthereisnotachairinthishouse,inwhichapapercanbewhatIcall,read,exceptoneintheStudy.ThistookmetotheStudy,whereIsawalight.Iopenedthedoor.IncompanywiththedearDoctorweretwoprofessionalpeople,evidentlyconnectedwiththelaw,andtheywereallthreestandingatthetable:thedarlingDoctorpeninhand."Thissimplyexpressesthen,"saidtheDoctor-Annie,mylove,attendtotheverywords-"thissimplyexpressesthen,gentlemen,theconfidenceIhaveinMrs.Strong,andgivesherallunconditionally?"Oneoftheprofessionalpeoplereplied,"Andgivesherallunconditionally."Uponthat,withthenaturalfeelingsofamother,Isaid,"GoodGod,Ibegyourpardon!"felloverthedoor-step,andcameawaythroughthelittlebackpassagewherethepantryis.'Mrs.Strongopenedthewindow,andwentoutintotheverandah,whereshestoodleaningagainstapillar.'Butnowisn'tit,MissTrotwood,isn'tit,David,invigorating,'saidMrs.Markleham,mechanicallyfollowingherwithhereyes,'tofindamanatDoctorStrong'stimeoflife,withthestrengthofmindtodothiskindofthing?ItonlyshowshowrightIwas.IsaidtoAnnie,whenDoctorStrongpaidaveryflatteringvisittomyself,andmadeherthesubjectofadeclarationandanoffer,I
said,"Mydear,thereisnodoubtwhatever,inmyopinion,withreferencetoasuitableprovisionforyou,thatDoctorStrongwilldomorethanhebindshimselftodo."'Herethebellrang,andweheardthesoundofthevisitors'feetastheywentout.'It'sallover,nodoubt,'saidtheOldSoldier,afterlistening;'thedearcreaturehassigned,sealed,anddelivered,andhismind'satrest.Wellitmaybe!Whatamind!Annie,mylove,IamgoingtotheStudywithmypaper,forIamapoorcreaturewithoutnews.MissTrotwood,David,praycomeandseetheDoctor.'IwasconsciousofMr.Dick'sstandingintheshadowoftheroom,shuttinguphisknife,whenweaccompaniedhertotheStudy;andofmyaunt'srubbinghernoseviolently,bytheway,asamildventforherintoleranceofourmilitaryfriend;butwhogotfirstintotheStudy,orhowMrs.Marklehamsettledherselfinamomentinhereasy-chair,orhowmyauntandIcametobelefttogethernearthedoor(unlesshereyeswerequickerthanmine,andsheheldmeback),Ihaveforgotten,ifIeverknew.ButthisIknow,-thatwesawtheDoctorbeforehesawus,sittingathistable,amongthefoliovolumesinwhichhedelighted,restinghisheadcalmlyonhis
hand.That,inthesamemoment,wesawMrs.Strongglidein,paleandtrembling.ThatMr.Dicksupportedheronhisarm.ThathelaidhisotherhandupontheDoctor'sarm,causinghimtolookupwithanabstractedair.That,astheDoctormovedhishead,hiswifedroppeddownononekneeathisfeet,and,withherhandsimploringlylifted,fixeduponhisfacethememorablelookIhadneverforgotten.ThatatthissightMrs.Marklehamdroppedthenewspaper,andstaredmorelikeafigure-headintendedforashiptobecalledTheAstonishment,thananythingelseIcanthinkof.ThegentlenessoftheDoctor'smannerandsurprise,thedignitythatmingledwiththesupplicatingattitudeofhiswife,theamiableconcernofMr.Dick,andtheearnestnesswithwhichmyauntsaidtoherself,'Thatmanmad!'(triumphantlyexpressiveofthemiseryfromwhichshehadsavedhim)-Iseeandhear,ratherthanremember,asIwriteaboutit.'Doctor!'saidMr.Dick.'Whatisitthat'samiss?Lookhere!''Annie!'criedtheDoctor.'Notatmyfeet,mydear!''Yes!'shesaid.'Ibegandpraythatnoonewillleavetheroom!Oh,myhusbandandfather,breakthislongsilence.Letusboth
knowwhatitisthathascomebetweenus!'Mrs.Markleham,bythistimerecoveringthepowerofspeech,andseemingtoswellwithfamilyprideandmotherlyindignation,hereexclaimed,'Annie,getupimmediately,anddon'tdisgraceeverybodybelongingtoyoubyhumblingyourselflikethat,unlessyouwishtoseemegooutofmymindonthespot!''Mama!'returnedAnnie.'Wastenowordsonme,formyappealistomyhusband,andevenyouarenothinghere.''Nothing!'exclaimedMrs.Markleham.'Me,nothing!Thechildhastakenleaveofhersenses.Pleasetogetmeaglassofwater!'IwastooattentivetotheDoctorandhiswife,togiveanyheedtothisrequest;anditmadenoimpressiononanybodyelse;soMrs.Marklehampanted,stared,andfannedherself.'Annie!'saidtheDoctor,tenderlytakingherinhishands.'Mydear!Ifanyunavoidablechangehascome,inthesequenceoftime,uponourmarriedlife,youarenottoblame.Thefaultismine,andonlymine.Thereisnochangeinmyaffection,admiration,andrespect.Iwishtomakeyouhappy.Itrulyloveandhonouryou.
Rise,Annie,pray!'Butshedidnotrise.Afterlookingathimforalittlewhile,shesankdownclosertohim,laidherarmacrosshisknee,anddroppingherheaduponit,said:'IfIhaveanyfriendhere,whocanspeakonewordforme,orformyhusbandinthismatter;ifIhaveanyfriendhere,whocangiveavoicetoanysuspicionthatmyhearthassometimeswhisperedtome;ifIhaveanyfriendhere,whohonoursmyhusband,orhasevercaredforme,andhasanythingwithinhisknowledge,nomatterwhatitis,thatmayhelptomediatebetweenus,Iimplorethatfriendtospeak!'Therewasaprofoundsilence.Afterafewmomentsofpainfulhesitation,Ibrokethesilence.'Mrs.Strong,'Isaid,'thereissomethingwithinmyknowledge,whichIhavebeenearnestlyentreatedbyDoctorStrongtoconceal,andhaveconcealeduntiltonight.But,Ibelievethetimehascomewhenitwouldbemistakenfaithanddelicacytoconcealitanylonger,andwhenyourappealabsolvesmefromhisinjunction.'
Sheturnedherfacetowardsmeforamoment,andIknewthatIwasright.Icouldnothaveresisteditsentreaty,iftheassurancethatitgavemehadbeenlessconvincing.'Ourfuturepeace,'shesaid,'maybeinyourhands.Itrustitconfidentlytoyournotsuppressinganything.Iknowbeforehandthatnothingyou,oranyone,cantellme,willshowmyhusband'snobleheartinanyotherlightthanone.Howsoeveritmayseemtoyoutotouchme,disregardthat.Iwillspeakformyself,beforehim,andbeforeGodafterwards.'Thusearnestlybesought,ImadenoreferencetotheDoctorforhispermission,but,withoutanyothercompromiseofthetruththanalittlesofteningofthecoarsenessofUriahHeep,relatedplainlywhathadpassedinthatsameroomthatnight.ThestaringofMrs.Marklehamduringthewholenarration,andtheshrill,sharpinterjectionswithwhichsheoccasionallyinterruptedit,defydescription.WhenIhadfinished,Annieremained,forsomefewmoments,silent,withherheadbentdown,asIhavedescribed.Then,shetooktheDoctor'shand(hewassittinginthesameattitudeaswhenwehadenteredtheroom),andpressedittoherbreast,andkissedit.
Mr.Dicksoftlyraisedher;andshestood,whenshebegantospeak,leaningonhim,andlookingdownuponherhusband-fromwhomsheneverturnedhereyes.'Allthathaseverbeeninmymind,sinceIwasmarried,'shesaidinalow,submissive,tendervoice,'Iwilllaybarebeforeyou.Icouldnotliveandhaveonereservation,knowingwhatIknownow.''Nay,Annie,'saidtheDoctor,mildly,'Ihaveneverdoubtedyou,mychild.Thereisnoneed;indeedthereisnoneed,mydear.''Thereisgreatneed,'sheanswered,inthesameway,'thatIshouldopenmywholeheartbeforethesoulofgenerosityandtruth,whom,yearbyyear,anddaybyday,Ihavelovedandveneratedmoreandmore,asHeavenknows!''Really,'interruptedMrs.Markleham,'ifIhaveanydiscretionatall-'('Whichyouhaven't,youMarplot,'observedmyaunt,inanindignantwhisper.)
-'Imustbepermittedtoobservethatitcannotberequisitetoenterintothesedetails.''Noonebutmyhusbandcanjudgeofthat,mama,'saidAnniewithoutremovinghereyesfromhisface,'andhewillhearme.IfIsayanythingtogiveyoupain,mama,forgiveme.Ihavebornepainfirst,oftenandlong,myself.''Uponmyword!'gaspedMrs.Markleham.'WhenIwasveryyoung,'saidAnnie,'quitealittlechild,myfirstassociationswithknowledgeofanykindwereinseparablefromapatientfriendandteacher-thefriendofmydeadfather-whowasalwaysdeartome.IcanremembernothingthatIknow,withoutrememberinghim.Hestoredmymindwithitsfirsttreasures,andstampedhischaracteruponthemall.Theynevercouldhavebeen,Ithink,asgoodastheyhavebeentome,ifIhadtakenthemfromanyotherhands.''Makeshermothernothing!'exclaimedMrs.Markleham.'Notsomama,'saidAnnie;'butImakehimwhathewas.Imustdothat.AsIgrewup,heoccupiedthesameplacestill.Iwasproud
ofhisinterest:deeply,fondly,gratefullyattachedtohim.Ilookeduptohim,Icanhardlydescribehow-asafather,asaguide,asonewhosepraisewasdifferentfromallotherpraise,asoneinwhomIcouldhavetrustedandconfided,ifIhaddoubtedalltheworld.Youknow,mama,howyoungandinexperiencedIwas,whenyoupresentedhimbeforeme,ofasudden,asalover.''Ihavementionedthefact,fiftytimesatleast,toeverybodyhere!'saidMrs.Markleham.('Thenholdyourtongue,fortheLord'ssake,anddon'tmentionitanymore!'mutteredmyaunt.)'Itwassogreatachange:sogreataloss,Ifeltit,atfirst,'saidAnnie,stillpreservingthesamelookandtone,'thatIwasagitatedanddistressed.Iwasbutagirl;andwhensogreatachangecameinthecharacterinwhichIhadsolonglookeduptohim,IthinkIwassorry.Butnothingcouldhavemadehimwhatheusedtobeagain;andIwasproudthatheshouldthinkmesoworthy,andweweremarried.''-AtSaintAlphage,Canterbury,'observedMrs.Markleham.('Confoundthewoman!'saidmyaunt,'sheWON'Tbequiet!')
'Ineverthought,'proceededAnnie,withaheightenedcolour,'ofanyworldlygainthatmyhusbandwouldbringtome.Myyounghearthadnoroominitshomageforanysuchpoorreference.Mama,forgivemewhenIsaythatitwasyouwhofirstpresentedtomymindthethoughtthatanyonecouldwrongme,andwronghim,bysuchacruelsuspicion.''Me!'criedMrs.Markleham.('Ah!You,tobesure!'observedmyaunt,'andyoucan'tfanitaway,mymilitaryfriend!')'Itwasthefirstunhappinessofmynewlife,'saidAnnie.'ItwasthefirstoccasionofeveryunhappymomentIhaveknown.Thesemomentshavebeenmore,oflate,thanIcancount;butnot-mygeneroushusband!-notforthereasonyousuppose;forinmyheartthereisnotathought,arecollection,orahope,thatanypowercouldseparatefromyou!'Sheraisedhereyes,andclaspedherhands,andlookedasbeautifulandtrue,Ithought,asanySpirit.TheDoctorlookedonher,henceforth,assteadfastlyassheonhim.
'Mamaisblameless,'shewenton,'ofhavingeverurgedyouforherself,andsheisblamelessinintentioneveryway,Iamsure,-butwhenIsawhowmanyimportunateclaimswerepresseduponyouinmyname;howyouweretradedoninmyname;howgenerousyouwere,andhowMr.Wickfield,whohadyourwelfareverymuchatheart,resentedit;thefirstsenseofmyexposuretothemeansuspicionthatmytendernesswasbought-andsoldtoyou,ofallmenonearth-felluponmelikeunmeriteddisgrace,inwhichIforcedyoutoparticipate.Icannottellyouwhatitwas-mamacannotimaginewhatitwas-tohavethisdreadandtroublealwaysonmymind,yetknowinmyownsoulthatonmymarriage-dayIcrownedtheloveandhonourofmylife!''Aspecimenofthethanksonegets,'criedMrs.Markleham,intears,'fortakingcareofone'sfamily!IwishIwasaTurk!'('Iwishyouwere,withallmyheart-andinyournativecountry!'saidmyaunt.)'ItwasatthattimethatmamawasmostsolicitousaboutmyCousinMaldon.Ihadlikedhim':shespokesoftly,butwithoutanyhesitation:'verymuch.Wehadbeenlittleloversonce.If
circumstanceshadnothappenedotherwise,ImighthavecometopersuademyselfthatIreallylovedhim,andmighthavemarriedhim,andbeenmostwretched.Therecanbenodisparityinmarriagelikeunsuitabilityofmindandpurpose.'Iponderedonthosewords,evenwhileIwasstudiouslyattendingtowhatfollowed,asiftheyhadsomeparticularinterest,orsomestrangeapplicationthatIcouldnotdivine.'Therecanbenodisparityinmarriagelikeunsuitabilityofmindandpurpose'-'nodisparityinmarriagelikeunsuitabilityofmindandpurpose.''Thereisnothing,'saidAnnie,'thatwehaveincommon.Ihavelongfoundthatthereisnothing.IfIwerethankfultomyhusbandfornomore,insteadofforsomuch,Ishouldbethankfultohimforhavingsavedmefromthefirstmistakenimpulseofmyundisciplinedheart.'Shestoodquitestill,beforetheDoctor,andspokewithanearnestnessthatthrilledme.Yethervoicewasjustasquietasbefore.'Whenhewaswaitingtobetheobjectofyourmunificence,sofreelybestowedformysake,andwhenIwasunhappyinthe
mercenaryshapeIwasmadetowear,Ithoughtitwouldhavebecomehimbettertohaveworkedhisownwayon.IthoughtthatifIhadbeenhe,Iwouldhavetriedtodoit,atthecostofalmostanyhardship.ButIthoughtnoworseofhim,untilthenightofhisdepartureforIndia.ThatnightIknewhehadafalseandthanklessheart.Isawadoublemeaning,then,inMr.Wickfield'sscrutinyofme.Iperceived,forthefirsttime,thedarksuspicionthatshadowedmylife.''Suspicion,Annie!'saidtheDoctor.'No,no,no!''Inyourmindtherewasnone,Iknow,myhusband!'shereturned.'AndwhenIcametoyou,thatnight,tolaydownallmyloadofshameandgrief,andknewthatIhadtotellthat,underneathyourroof,oneofmyownkindred,towhomyouhadbeenabenefactor,fortheloveofme,hadspokentomewordsthatshouldhavefoundnoutterance,evenifIhadbeentheweakandmercenarywretchhethoughtme-mymindrevoltedfromthetainttheverytaleconveyed.Itdieduponmylips,andfromthathourtillnowhasneverpassedthem.'Mrs.Markleham,withashortgroan,leanedbackinhereasy-chair;andretiredbehindherfan,asifshewerenevercomingoutany
more.'Ihavenever,butinyourpresence,interchangedawordwithhimfromthattime;then,onlywhenithasbeennecessaryfortheavoidanceofthisexplanation.Yearshavepassedsinceheknew,fromme,whathissituationherewas.Thekindnessesyouhavesecretlydoneforhisadvancement,andthendisclosedtome,formysurpriseandpleasure,havebeen,youwillbelieve,butaggravationsoftheunhappinessandburdenofmysecret.'ShesunkdowngentlyattheDoctor'sfeet,thoughhedidhisutmosttopreventher;andsaid,lookingup,tearfully,intohisface:'Donotspeaktomeyet!Letmesayalittlemore!Rightorwrong,ifthisweretobedoneagain,IthinkIshoulddojustthesame.Younevercanknowwhatitwastobedevotedtoyou,withthoseoldassociations;tofindthatanyonecouldbesohardastosupposethatthetruthofmyheartwasbarteredaway,andtobesurroundedbyappearancesconfirmingthatbelief.Iwasveryyoung,andhadnoadviser.Betweenmamaandme,inallrelatingtoyou,therewasawidedivision.IfIshrunkintomyself,hidingthedisrespectIhadundergone,itwasbecauseIhonouredyousomuch,andsomuchwishedthatyoushouldhonourme!'
'Annie,mypureheart!'saidtheDoctor,'mydeargirl!''Alittlemore!averyfewwordsmore!Iusedtothinkthereweresomanywhomyoumighthavemarried,whowouldnothavebroughtsuchchargeandtroubleonyou,andwhowouldhavemadeyourhomeaworthierhome.IusedtobeafraidthatIhadbetterhaveremainedyourpupil,andalmostyourchild.IusedtofearthatIwassounsuitedtoyourlearningandwisdom.Ifallthismademeshrinkwithinmyself(asindeeditdid),whenIhadthattotell,itwasstillbecauseIhonouredyousomuch,andhopedthatyoumightonedayhonourme.''Thatdayhasshonethislongtime,Annie,'saidtheDoctor,andcanhavebutonelongnight,mydear.''Anotherword!Iafterwardsmeant-steadfastlymeant,andpurposedtomyself-tobearthewholeweightofknowingtheunworthinessofonetowhomyouhadbeensogood.Andnowalastword,dearestandbestoffriends!Thecauseofthelatechangeinyou,whichIhaveseenwithsomuchpainandsorrow,andhavesometimesreferredtomyoldapprehension-atothertimestolingeringsuppositionsnearertothetruth-hasbeenmadeclear
tonight;andbyanaccidentIhavealsocometoknow,tonight,thefullmeasureofyournobletrustinme,evenunderthatmistake.IdonothopethatanyloveanddutyImayrenderinreturn,willevermakemeworthyofyourpricelessconfidence;butwithallthisknowledgefreshuponme,Icanliftmyeyestothisdearface,reveredasafather's,lovedasahusband's,sacredtomeinmychildhoodasafriend's,andsolemnlydeclarethatinmylightestthoughtIhaveneverwrongedyou;neverwaveredintheloveandthefidelityIoweyou!'ShehadherarmsaroundtheDoctor'sneck,andheleanthisheaddownoverher,minglinghisgreyhairwithherdarkbrowntresses.'Oh,holdmetoyourheart,myhusband!Nevercastmeout!Donotthinkorspeakofdisparitybetweenus,forthereisnone,exceptinallmymanyimperfections.EverysucceedingyearIhaveknownthisbetter,asIhaveesteemedyoumoreandmore.Oh,takemetoyourheart,myhusband,formylovewasfoundedonarock,anditendures!'Inthesilencethatensued,myauntwalkedgravelyuptoMr.Dick,withoutatallhurryingherself,andgavehimahugandasoundingkiss.Anditwasveryfortunate,withaviewtohiscredit,that
shedidso;forIamconfidentthatIdetectedhimatthatmomentintheactofmakingpreparationstostandononeleg,asanappropriateexpressionofdelight.'Youareaveryremarkableman,Dick!'saidmyaunt,withanairofunqualifiedapprobation;'andneverpretendtobeanythingelse,forIknowbetter!'Withthat,myauntpulledhimbythesleeve,andnoddedtome;andwethreestolequietlyoutoftheroom,andcameaway.'That'sasettlerforourmilitaryfriend,atanyrate,'saidmyaunt,onthewayhome.'Ishouldsleepthebetterforthat,iftherewasnothingelsetobegladof!''Shewasquiteovercome,Iamafraid,'saidMr.Dick,withgreatcommiseration.'What!Didyoueverseeacrocodileovercome?'inquiredmyaunt.'Idon'tthinkIeversawacrocodile,'returnedMr.Dick,mildly.'Thereneverwouldhavebeenanythingthematter,ifithadn'tbeen
forthatoldAnimal,'saidmyaunt,withstrongemphasis.'It'sverymuchtobewishedthatsomemotherswouldleavetheirdaughtersaloneaftermarriage,andnotbesoviolentlyaffectionate.Theyseemtothinktheonlyreturnthatcanbemadethemforbringinganunfortunateyoungwomanintotheworld-Godblessmysoul,asifsheaskedtobebrought,orwantedtocome!-isfulllibertytoworryheroutofitagain.Whatareyouthinkingof,Trot?'Iwasthinkingofallthathadbeensaid.Mymindwasstillrunningonsomeoftheexpressionsused.'Therecanbenodisparityinmarriagelikeunsuitabilityofmindandpurpose.''Thefirstmistakenimpulseofanundisciplinedheart.''Mylovewasfoundedonarock.'Butwewereathome;andthetroddenleaveswerelyingunder-foot,andtheautumnwindwasblowing.CHAPTER46IntelligenceImusthavebeenmarried,ifImaytrusttomyimperfectmemoryfordates,aboutayearorso,whenoneevening,asIwasreturning
fromasolitarywalk,thinkingofthebookIwasthenwriting-formysuccesshadsteadilyincreasedwithmysteadyapplication,andIwasengagedatthattimeuponmyfirstworkoffiction-IcamepastMrs.Steerforth'shouse.Ihadoftenpasseditbefore,duringmyresidenceinthatneighbourhood,thoughneverwhenIcouldchooseanotherroad.Howbeit,itdidsometimeshappenthatitwasnoteasytofindanother,withoutmakingalongcircuit;andsoIhadpassedthatway,uponthewhole,prettyoften.Ihadneverdonemorethanglanceatthehouse,asIwentbywithaquickenedstep.Ithadbeenuniformlygloomyanddull.Noneofthebestroomsabuttedontheroad;andthenarrow,heavily-framedold-fashionedwindows,nevercheerfulunderanycircumstances,lookedverydismal,closeshut,andwiththeirblindsalwaysdrawndown.Therewasacoveredwayacrossalittlepavedcourt,toanentrancethatwasneverused;andtherewasoneroundstaircasewindow,atoddswithalltherest,andtheonlyoneunshadedbyablind,whichhadthesameunoccupiedblanklook.IdonotrememberthatIeversawalightinallthehouse.IfIhadbeenacasualpasser-by,Ishouldhaveprobablysupposedthatsomechildlesspersonlaydeadinit.IfIhadhappilypossessednoknowledgeoftheplace,andhadseenitofteninthatchangelessstate,Ishouldhavepleasedmyfancywithmanyingeniousspeculations,Idaresay.
Asitwas,IthoughtaslittleofitasImight.Butmymindcouldnotgobyitandleaveit,asmybodydid;anditusuallyawakenedalongtrainofmeditations.Comingbeforeme,onthisparticulareveningthatImention,mingledwiththechildishrecollectionsandlaterfancies,theghostsofhalf-formedhopes,thebrokenshadowsofdisappointmentsdimlyseenandunderstood,theblendingofexperienceandimagination,incidentaltotheoccupationwithwhichmythoughtshadbeenbusy,itwasmorethancommonlysuggestive.IfellintoabrownstudyasIwalkedon,andavoiceatmysidemademestart.Itwasawoman'svoice,too.IwasnotlonginrecollectingMrs.Steerforth'slittleparlour-maid,whohadformerlywornblueribbonsinhercap.Shehadtakenthemoutnow,toadaptherself,Isuppose,tothealteredcharacterofthehouse;andworebutoneortwodisconsolatebowsofsoberbrown.'Ifyouplease,sir,wouldyouhavethegoodnesstowalkin,andspeaktoMissDartle?''HasMissDartlesentyouforme?'Iinquired.
'Nottonight,sir,butit'sjustthesame.MissDartlesawyoupassanightortwoago;andIwastositatworkonthestaircase,andwhenIsawyoupassagain,toaskyoutostepinandspeaktoher.'Iturnedback,andinquiredofmyconductor,aswewentalong,howMrs.Steerforthwas.Shesaidherladywasbutpoorly,andkeptherownroomagooddeal.Whenwearrivedatthehouse,IwasdirectedtoMissDartleinthegarden,andlefttomakemypresenceknowntohermyself.Shewassittingonaseatatoneendofakindofterrace,overlookingthegreatcity.Itwasasombreevening,withaluridlightinthesky;andasIsawtheprospectscowlinginthedistance,withhereandtheresomelargerobjectstartingupintothesullenglare,Ifancieditwasnoinaptcompaniontothememoryofthisfiercewoman.ShesawmeasIadvanced,androseforamomenttoreceiveme.Ithoughther,then,stillmorecolourlessandthinthanwhenIhadseenherlast;theflashingeyesstillbrighter,andthescarstillplainer.
Ourmeetingwasnotcordial.Wehadpartedangrilyonthelastoccasion;andtherewasanairofdisdainabouther,whichshetooknopainstoconceal.'Iamtoldyouwishtospeaktome,MissDartle,'saidI,standingnearher,withmyhanduponthebackoftheseat,anddeclininghergestureofinvitationtositdown.'Ifyouplease,'saidshe.'Prayhasthisgirlbeenfound?''No.''Andyetshehasrunaway!'Isawherthinlipsworkingwhileshelookedatme,asiftheywereeagertoloadherwithreproaches.'Runaway?'Irepeated.'Yes!Fromhim,'shesaid,withalaugh.'Ifsheisnotfound,perhapssheneverwillbefound.Shemaybedead!'Thevauntingcrueltywithwhichshemetmyglance,Ineversaw
expressedinanyotherfacethateverIhaveseen.'Towishherdead,'saidI,'maybethekindestwishthatoneofherownsexcouldbestowuponher.Iamgladthattimehassoftenedyousomuch,MissDartle.'Shecondescendedtomakenoreply,but,turningonmewithanotherscornfullaugh,said:'Thefriendsofthisexcellentandmuch-injuredyoungladyarefriendsofyours.Youaretheirchampion,andasserttheirrights.Doyouwishtoknowwhatisknownofher?''Yes,'saidI.Sherosewithanill-favouredsmile,andtakingafewstepstowardsawallofhollythatwasnearathand,dividingthelawnfromakitchen-garden,said,inaloudervoice,'Comehere!'-asifshewerecallingtosomeuncleanbeast.'Youwillrestrainanydemonstrativechampionshiporvengeanceinthisplace,ofcourse,Mr.Copperfield?'saidshe,lookingoverhershoulderatmewiththesameexpression.
Iinclinedmyhead,withoutknowingwhatshemeant;andshesaid,'Comehere!'again;andreturned,followedbytherespectableMr.Littimer,who,withundiminishedrespectability,mademeabow,andtookuphispositionbehindher.Theairofwickedgrace:oftriumph,inwhich,strangetosay,therewasyetsomethingfeminineandalluring:withwhichshereclinedupontheseatbetweenus,andlookedatme,wasworthyofacruelPrincessinaLegend.'Now,'saidshe,imperiously,withoutglancingathim,andtouchingtheoldwoundasitthrobbed:perhaps,inthisinstance,withpleasureratherthanpain.'TellMr.Copperfieldabouttheflight.''Mr.Jamesandmyself,ma'am-''Don'taddressyourselftome!'sheinterruptedwithafrown.'Mr.Jamesandmyself,sir-''Nortome,ifyouplease,'saidI.Mr.Littimer,withoutbeingatalldiscomposed,signifiedbya
slightobeisance,thatanythingthatwasmostagreeabletouswasmostagreeabletohim;andbeganagain.'Mr.Jamesandmyselfhavebeenabroadwiththeyoungwoman,eversincesheleftYarmouthunderMr.james'sprotection.Wehavebeeninavarietyofplaces,andseenadealofforeigncountry.WehavebeeninFrance,Switzerland,Italy,infact,almostallparts.'Helookedatthebackoftheseat,asifhewereaddressinghimselftothat;andsoftlyplayeduponitwithhishands,asifhewerestrikingchordsuponadumbpiano.'Mr.Jamestookquiteuncommonlytotheyoungwoman;andwasmoresettled,foralengthoftime,thanIhaveknownhimtobesinceIhavebeeninhisservice.Theyoungwomanwasveryimprovable,andspokethelanguages;andwouldn'thavebeenknownforthesamecountry-person.Inoticedthatshewasmuchadmiredwhereverwewent.'MissDartleputherhanduponherside.Isawhimstealaglanceather,andslightlysmiletohimself.
'Verymuchadmired,indeed,theyoungwomanwas.Whatwithherdress;whatwiththeairandsun;whatwithbeingmadesomuchof;whatwiththis,that,andtheother;hermeritsreallyattractedgeneralnotice.'Hemadeashortpause.Hereyeswanderedrestlesslyoverthedistantprospect,andshebithernetherliptostopthatbusymouth.Takinghishandsfromtheseat,andplacingoneofthemwithintheother,ashesettledhimselfononeleg,Mr.Littimerproceeded,withhiseyescastdown,andhisrespectableheadalittleadvanced,andalittleononeside:'Theyoungwomanwentoninthismannerforsometime,beingoccasionallylowinherspirits,untilIthinkshebegantowearyMr.Jamesbygivingwaytoherlowspiritsandtempersofthatkind;andthingswerenotsocomfortable.Mr.Jameshebegantoberestlessagain.Themorerestlesshegot,theworseshegot;andImustsay,formyself,thatIhadaverydifficulttimeofitindeedbetweenthetwo.Stillmatterswerepatcheduphere,andmadegoodthere,overandoveragain;andaltogetherlasted,Iamsure,foralongertimethananybodycouldhaveexpected.'
Recallinghereyesfromthedistance,shelookedatmeagainnow,withherformerair.Mr.Littimer,clearinghisthroatbehindhishandwitharespectableshortcough,changedlegs,andwenton:'Atlast,whentherehadbeen,uponthewhole,agoodmanywordsandreproaches,Mr.Jameshesetoffonemorning,fromtheneighbourhoodofNaples,wherewehadavilla(theyoungwomanbeingverypartialtothesea),and,underpretenceofcomingbackinadayorso,leftitinchargewithmetobreakitout,that,forthegeneralhappinessofallconcerned,hewas'-hereaninterruptionoftheshortcough-'gone.ButMr.James,Imustsay,certainlydidbehaveextremelyhonourable;forheproposedthattheyoungwomanshouldmarryaveryrespectableperson,whowasfullypreparedtooverlookthepast,andwhowas,atleast,asgoodasanybodytheyoungwomancouldhaveaspiredtoinaregularway:herconnexionsbeingverycommon.'Hechangedlegsagain,andwettedhislips.Iwasconvincedthatthescoundrelspokeofhimself,andIsawmyconvictionreflectedinMissDartle'sface.'ThisIalsohaditinchargetocommunicate.Iwaswillingtodo
anythingtorelieveMr.Jamesfromhisdifficulty,andtorestoreharmonybetweenhimselfandanaffectionateparent,whohasundergonesomuchonhisaccount.ThereforeIundertookthecommission.Theyoungwoman'sviolencewhenshecameto,afterIbrokethefactofhisdeparture,wasbeyondallexpectations.Shewasquitemad,andhadtobeheldbyforce;or,ifshecouldn'thavegottoaknife,orgottothesea,she'dhavebeatenherheadagainstthemarblefloor.'MissDartle,leaningbackupontheseat,withalightofexultationinherface,seemedalmosttocaressthesoundsthisfellowhaduttered.'ButwhenIcametothesecondpartofwhathadbeenentrustedtome,'saidMr.Littimer,rubbinghishandsuneasily,'whichanybodymighthavesupposedwouldhavebeen,atallevents,appreciatedasakindintention,thentheyoungwomancameoutinhertruecolours.AmoreoutrageouspersonIneverdidsee.Herconductwassurprisinglybad.Shehadnomoregratitude,nomorefeeling,nomorepatience,nomorereasoninher,thanastockorastone.IfIhadn'tbeenuponmyguard,Iamconvincedshewouldhavehadmyblood.'
'Ithinkthebetterofherforit,'saidI,indignantly.Mr.Littimerbenthishead,asmuchastosay,'Indeed,sir?Butyou'reyoung!'andresumedhisnarrative.'Itwasnecessary,inshort,foratime,totakeawayeverythingnighher,thatshecoulddoherself,oranybodyelse,aninjurywith,andtoshutherupclose.Notwithstandingwhich,shegotoutinthenight;forcedthelatticeofawindow,thatIhadnailedupmyself;droppedonavinethatwastrailedbelow;andneverhasbeenseenorheardof,tomyknowledge,since.''Sheisdead,perhaps,'saidMissDartle,withasmile,asifshecouldhavespurnedthebodyoftheruinedgirl.'Shemayhavedrownedherself,miss,'returnedMr.Littimer,catchingatanexcuseforaddressinghimselftosomebody.'It'sverypossible.Or,shemayhavehadassistancefromtheboatmen,andtheboatmen'swivesandchildren.Beinggiventolowcompany,shewasverymuchinthehabitoftalkingtothemonthebeach,MissDartle,andsittingbytheirboats.Ihaveknownherdoit,whenMr.Jameshasbeenaway,wholedays.Mr.Jameswasfarfrompleasedtofindout,once,thatshehadtoldthechildrenshewas
aboatman'sdaughter,andthatinherowncountry,longago,shehadroamedaboutthebeach,likethem.'Oh,Emily!Unhappybeauty!Whatapicturerosebeforemeofhersittingonthefar-offshore,amongthechildrenlikeherselfwhenshewasinnocent,listeningtolittlevoicessuchasmighthavecalledherMotherhadshebeenapoorman'swife;andtothegreatvoiceofthesea,withitseternal'Nevermore!''Whenitwasclearthatnothingcouldbedone,MissDartle-''DidItellyounottospeaktome?'shesaid,withsterncontempt.'Youspoketome,miss,'hereplied.'Ibegyourpardon.Butitismyservicetoobey.''Doyourservice,'shereturned.'Finishyourstory,andgo!''Whenitwasclear,'hesaid,withinfiniterespectabilityandanobedientbow,'thatshewasnottobefound,IwenttoMr.James,attheplacewhereithadbeenagreedthatIshouldwritetohim,andinformedhimofwhathadoccurred.Wordspassedbetweenusinconsequence,andIfeltitduetomycharactertoleavehim.I
couldbear,andIhaveborne,agreatdealfromMr.James;butheinsultedmetoofar.Hehurtme.Knowingtheunfortunatedifferencebetweenhimselfandhismother,andwhatheranxietyofmindwaslikelytobe,ItookthelibertyofcominghometoEngland,andrelating-''FormoneywhichIpaidhim,'saidMissDartletome.'Justso,ma'am-andrelatingwhatIknew.Iamnotaware,'saidMr.Littimer,afteramoment'sreflection,'thatthereisanythingelse.Iamatpresentoutofemployment,andshouldbehappytomeetwitharespectablesituation.'MissDartleglancedatme,asthoughshewouldinquireiftherewereanythingthatIdesiredtoask.Astherewassomethingwhichhadoccurredtomymind,Isaidinreply:'Icouldwishtoknowfromthis-creature,'Icouldnotbringmyselftoutteranymoreconciliatoryword,'whethertheyinterceptedaletterthatwaswrittentoherfromhome,orwhetherhesupposesthatshereceivedit.'Heremainedcalmandsilent,withhiseyesfixedontheground,and
thetipofeveryfingerofhisrighthanddelicatelypoisedagainstthetipofeveryfingerofhisleft.MissDartleturnedherheaddisdainfullytowardshim.'Ibegyourpardon,miss,'hesaid,awakeningfromhisabstraction,'but,howeversubmissivetoyou,Ihavemyposition,thoughaservant.Mr.Copperfieldandyou,miss,aredifferentpeople.IfMr.Copperfieldwishestoknowanythingfromme,ItakethelibertyofremindingMr.Copperfieldthathecanputaquestiontome.Ihaveacharactertomaintain.'Afteramomentarystrugglewithmyself,Iturnedmyeyesuponhim,andsaid,'Youhaveheardmyquestion.Consideritaddressedtoyourself,ifyouchoose.Whatanswerdoyoumake?''Sir,'herejoined,withanoccasionalseparationandreunionofthosedelicatetips,'myanswermustbequalified;because,tobetrayMr.james'sconfidencetohismother,andtobetrayittoyou,aretwodifferentactions.Itisnotprobable,Iconsider,thatMr.Jameswouldencouragethereceiptofletterslikelytoincreaselowspiritsandunpleasantness;butfurtherthanthat,sir,Ishouldwishtoavoidgoing.'
'Isthatall?'inquiredMissDartleofme.IindicatedthatIhadnothingmoretosay.'Except,'Iadded,asIsawhimmovingoff,'thatIunderstandthisfellow'spartinthewickedstory,andthat,asIshallmakeitknowntothehonestmanwhohasbeenherfatherfromherchildhood,Iwouldrecommendhimtoavoidgoingtoomuchintopublic.'HehadstoppedthemomentIbegan,andhadlistenedwithhisusualreposeofmanner.'Thankyou,sir.Butyou'llexcusemeifIsay,sir,thatthereareneitherslavesnorslave-driversinthiscountry,andthatpeoplearenotallowedtotakethelawintotheirownhands.Iftheydo,itismoretotheirownperil,Ibelieve,thantootherpeople's.Consequentlyspeaking,IamnotatallafraidofgoingwhereverImaywish,sir.'Withthat,hemadeapolitebow;and,withanothertoMissDartle,wentawaythroughthearchinthewallofhollybywhichhehadcome.MissDartleandIregardedeachotherforalittlewhileinsilence;hermannerbeingexactlywhatitwas,whenshehad
producedtheman.'Hesaysbesides,'sheobserved,withaslowcurlingofherlip,'thathismaster,ashehears,iscoastingSpain;andthisdone,isawaytogratifyhisseafaringtastestillheisweary.Butthisisofnointeresttoyou.Betweenthesetwoproudpersons,motherandson,thereisawiderbreachthanbefore,andlittlehopeofitshealing,fortheyareoneatheart,andtimemakeseachmoreobstinateandimperious.Neitheristhisofanyinteresttoyou;butitintroduceswhatIwishtosay.Thisdevilwhomyoumakeanangelof.Imeanthislowgirlwhomhepickedoutofthetide-mud,'withherblackeyesfulluponme,andherpassionatefingerup,'maybealive,-forIbelievesomecommonthingsarehardtodie.Ifsheis,youwilldesiretohaveapearlofsuchpricefoundandtakencareof.Wedesirethat,too;thathemaynotbyanychancebemadeherpreyagain.Sofar,weareunitedinoneinterest;andthatiswhyI,whowoulddoheranymischiefthatsocoarseawretchiscapableoffeeling,havesentforyoutohearwhatyouhaveheard.'Isaw,bythechangeinherface,thatsomeonewasadvancingbehindme.ItwasMrs.Steerforth,whogavemeherhandmorecoldlythanofyore,andwithanaugmentationofherformerstatelinessof
manner,butstill,Iperceived-andIwastouchedbyit-withanineffaceableremembranceofmyoldloveforherson.Shewasgreatlyaltered.Herfinefigurewasfarlessupright,herhandsomefacewasdeeplymarked,andherhairwasalmostwhite.Butwhenshesatdownontheseat,shewasahandsomeladystill;andwellIknewthebrighteyewithitsloftylook,thathadbeenalightinmyverydreamsatschool.'IsMr.Copperfieldinformedofeverything,Rosa?''Yes.''AndhasheheardLittimerhimself?''Yes;Ihavetoldhimwhyyouwishedit.''Youareagoodgirl.Ihavehadsomeslightcorrespondencewithyourformerfriend,sir,'addressingme,'butithasnotrestoredhissenseofdutyornaturalobligation.ThereforeIhavenootherobjectinthis,thanwhatRosahasmentioned.If,bythecoursewhichmayrelievethemindofthedecentmanyoubroughthere(forwhomIamsorry-Icansaynomore),mysonmaybesavedfromagainfallingintothesnaresofadesigningenemy,well!'
Shedrewherselfup,andsatlookingstraightbeforeher,faraway.'Madam,'Isaidrespectfully,'Iunderstand.IassureyouIaminnodangerofputtinganystrainedconstructiononyourmotives.ButImustsay,eventoyou,havingknownthisinjuredfamilyfromchildhood,thatifyousupposethegirl,sodeeplywronged,hasnotbeencruellydeluded,andwouldnotratherdieahundreddeathsthantakeacupofwaterfromyourson'shandnow,youcherishaterriblemistake.''Well,Rosa,well!'saidMrs.Steerforth,astheotherwasabouttointerpose,'itisnomatter.Letitbe.Youaremarried,sir,Iamtold?'IansweredthatIhadbeensometimemarried.'Andaredoingwell?IhearlittleinthequietlifeIlead,butIunderstandyouarebeginningtobefamous.''Ihavebeenveryfortunate,'Isaid,'andfindmynameconnectedwithsomepraise.''Youhavenomother?'-inasoftenedvoice.
'No.''Itisapity,'shereturned.'Shewouldhavebeenproudofyou.Goodnight!'Itookthehandsheheldoutwithadignified,unbendingair,anditwasascalminmineasifherbreasthadbeenatpeace.Herpridecouldstillitsverypulses,itappeared,anddrawtheplacidveilbeforeherface,throughwhichshesatlookingstraightbeforeheronthefardistance.AsImovedawayfromthemalongtheterrace,Icouldnothelpobservinghowsteadilytheybothsatgazingontheprospect,andhowitthickenedandclosedaroundthem.Hereandthere,someearlylampswereseentotwinkleinthedistantcity;andintheeasternquarteroftheskytheluridlightstillhovered.But,fromthegreaterpartofthebroadvalleyinterposed,amistwasrisinglikeasea,which,minglingwiththedarkness,madeitseemasifthegatheringwaterswouldencompassthem.Ihavereasontorememberthis,andthinkofitwithawe;forbeforeIlookeduponthosetwoagain,astormyseahadrisentotheirfeet.
Reflectingonwhathadbeenthustoldme,IfeltitrightthatitshouldbecommunicatedtoMr.Peggotty.OnthefollowingeveningIwentintoLondoninquestofhim.Hewasalwayswanderingaboutfromplacetoplace,withhisoneobjectofrecoveringhisniecebeforehim;butwasmoreinLondonthanelsewhere.Oftenandoften,now,hadIseenhiminthedeadofnightpassingalongthestreets,searching,amongthefewwholoiteredoutofdoorsatthoseuntimelyhours,forwhathedreadedtofind.Hekeptalodgingoverthelittlechandler'sshopinHungerfordMarket,whichIhavehadoccasiontomentionmorethanonce,andfromwhichhefirstwentforthuponhiserrandofmercy.HitherIdirectedmywalk.Onmakinginquiryforhim,Ilearnedfromthepeopleofthehousethathehadnotgoneoutyet,andIshouldfindhiminhisroomupstairs.Hewassittingreadingbyawindowinwhichhekeptafewplants.Theroomwasveryneatandorderly.Isawinamomentthatitwasalwayskeptpreparedforherreception,andthatheneverwentoutbuthethoughtitpossiblehemightbringherhome.Hehadnotheardmytapatthedoor,andonlyraisedhiseyeswhenIlaidmyhanduponhisshoulder.
'Mas'rDavy!Thankee,sir!thankeehearty,forthisvisit!Sityedown.You'rekindlywelcome,sir!''Mr.Peggotty,'saidI,takingthechairhehandedme,'don'texpectmuch!Ihaveheardsomenews.''OfEm'ly!'Heputhishand,inanervousmanner,onhismouth,andturnedpale,ashefixedhiseyesonmine.'Itgivesnocluetowheresheis;butsheisnotwithhim.'Hesatdown,lookingintentlyatme,andlistenedinprofoundsilencetoallIhadtotell.Iwellrememberthesenseofdignity,beautyeven,withwhichthepatientgravityofhisfaceimpressedme,when,havinggraduallyremovedhiseyesfrommine,hesatlookingdownward,leaninghisforeheadonhishand.Heofferednointerruption,butremainedthroughoutperfectlystill.Heseemedtopursueherfigurethroughthenarrative,andtoleteveryothershapegobyhim,asifitwerenothing.WhenIhaddone,heshadedhisface,andcontinuedsilent.I
lookedoutofthewindowforalittlewhile,andoccupiedmyselfwiththeplants.'Howdoyoufaretofeelaboutit,Mas'rDavy?'heinquiredatlength.'Ithinkthatsheisliving,'Ireplied.'Idoen'tknow.Maybethefirstshockwastoorough,andinthewildnessofherart-!Thattherebluewaterassheusedtospeakon.Couldshehavethowto'thatsomanyyear,becauseitwastobehergrave!'Hesaidthis,musing,inalow,frightenedvoice;andwalkedacrossthelittleroom.'Andyet,'headded,'Mas'rDavy,Ihavefeltsosureasshewasliving-Ihaveknow'd,awakeandsleeping,asitwassotrewthatIshouldfindher-Ihavebeensoledonbyit,andheldupbyit-thatIdoen'tbelieveIcanhavebeendeceived.No!Em'ly'salive!'Heputhishanddownfirmlyonthetable,andsethissunburntface
intoaresoluteexpression.'Myniece,Em'ly,isalive,sir!'hesaid,steadfastly.'Idoen'tknowwheeritcomesfrom,orhow'tis,butIamtoldasshe'salive!'Helookedalmostlikeamaninspired,ashesaidit.Iwaitedforafewmoments,untilhecouldgivemehisundividedattention;andthenproceededtoexplaintheprecaution,that,ithadoccurredtomelastnight,itwouldbewisetotake.'Now,mydearfriend-'Ibegan.'Thankee,thankee,kindsir,'hesaid,graspingmyhandinbothofhis.'IfsheshouldmakeherwaytoLondon,whichislikely-forwherecouldsheloseherselfsoreadilyasinthisvastcity;andwhatwouldshewishtodo,butloseandhideherself,ifshedoesnotgohome?-''Andshewon'tgohome,'heinterposed,shakinghisheadmournfully.'Ifshehadleftofherownaccord,shemight;notas
Itwas,sir.''Ifsheshouldcomehere,'saidI,'Ibelievethereisoneperson,here,morelikelytodiscoverherthananyotherintheworld.Doyouremember-hearwhatIsay,withfortitude-thinkofyourgreatobject!-doyourememberMartha?''Ofourtown?'Ineedednootheranswerthanhisface.'DoyouknowthatsheisinLondon?''Ihaveseenherinthestreets,'heanswered,withashiver.'Butyoudon'tknow,'saidI,'thatEmilywascharitabletoher,withHam'shelp,longbeforeshefledfromhome.Nor,that,whenwemetonenight,andspoketogetherintheroomyonder,overtheway,shelistenedatthedoor.''Mas'rDavy!'herepliedinastonishment.'Thatnightwhenitsnewsohard?'
'Thatnight.Ihaveneverseenhersince.Iwentback,afterpartingfromyou,tospeaktoher,butshewasgone.Iwasunwillingtomentionhertoyouthen,andIamnow;butsheisthepersonofwhomIspeak,andwithwhomIthinkweshouldcommunicate.Doyouunderstand?''Toowell,sir,'hereplied.Wehadsunkourvoices,almosttoawhisper,andcontinuedtospeakinthattone.'Yousayyouhaveseenher.Doyouthinkthatyoucouldfindher?Icouldonlyhopetodosobychance.''Ithink,Mas'rDavy,Iknowwheertolook.''Itisdark.Beingtogether,shallwegooutnow,andtrytofindhertonight?'Heassented,andpreparedtoaccompanyme.Withoutappearingtoobservewhathewasdoing,Isawhowcarefullyheadjustedthelittleroom,putacandlereadyandthemeansoflightingit,arrangedthebed,andfinallytookoutofadraweroneofherdresses(Iremembertohaveseenherwearit),neatlyfoldedwithsomeothergarments,andabonnet,whichheplaceduponachair.
Hemadenoallusiontotheseclothes,neitherdidI.Theretheyhadbeenwaitingforher,manyandmanyanight,nodoubt.'Thetimewas,Mas'rDavy,'hesaid,aswecamedownstairs,'whenIthowtthisgirl,Martha,a'mostlikethedirtunderneathmyEm'ly'sfeet.Godforgiveme,theer'sadifferencenow!'Aswewentalong,partlytoholdhiminconversation,andpartlytosatisfymyself,IaskedhimaboutHam.Hesaid,almostinthesamewordsasformerly,thatHamwasjustthesame,'wearingawayhislifewithkiendernocarenohowfor't;butnevermurmuring,andlikedbyall'.IaskedhimwhathethoughtHam'sstateofmindwas,inreferencetothecauseoftheirmisfortunes?Whetherhebelieveditwasdangerous?Whathesupposed,forexample,Hamwoulddo,ifheandSteerforthevershouldencounter?'Idoen'tknow,sir,'hereplied.'Ihavethowtofitoftentimes,butIcan'tawizemyselfofit,nomatters.'Irecalledtohisremembrancethemorningafterherdeparture,whenwewereallthreeonthebeach.'Doyourecollect,'saidI,'a
certainwildwayinwhichhelookedouttosea,andspokeabout"theendofit"?''SureIdo!'saidhe.'Whatdoyousupposehemeant?''Mas'rDavy,'hereplied,'I'veputthequestiontomyselfamorto'times,andneverfoundnoanswer.Andtheer'sonecuriousthing-that,thoughheissopleasant,Iwouldn'tfaretofeelcomfortabletotryandgethismindupon't.Heneversaidawuredtomeaswarn'tasdootifulasdootifulcouldbe,anditain'tlikelyashe'dbegintospeakanyotherwaysnow;butit'sfurfrombeingfleetwaterinhismind,wherethemthowtslays.It'sdeep,sir,andIcan'tseedown.''Youareright,'saidI,'andthathassometimesmademeanxious.''Andmetoo,Mas'rDavy,'herejoined.'Evenmoreso,Idoassureyou,thanhisventersomeways,thoughbothbelongstothealterationinhim.Idoen'tknowashe'ddoviolenceunderanycircumstances,butIhopeasthemtwomaybekepasunders.'
Wehadcome,throughTempleBar,intothecity.Conversingnomorenow,andwalkingatmyside,heyieldedhimselfuptotheoneaimofhisdevotedlife,andwenton,withthathushedconcentrationofhisfacultieswhichwouldhavemadehisfiguresolitaryinamultitude.WewerenotfarfromBlackfriarsBridge,whenheturnedhisheadandpointedtoasolitaryfemalefigureflittingalongtheoppositesideofthestreet.Iknewit,readily,tobethefigurethatwesought.Wecrossedtheroad,andwerepressingontowardsher,whenitoccurredtomethatshemightbemoredisposedtofeelawoman'sinterestinthelostgirl,ifwespoketoherinaquieterplace,alooffromthecrowd,andwhereweshouldbelessobserved.Iadvisedmycompanion,therefore,thatweshouldnotaddressheryet,butfollowher;consultinginthis,likewise,anindistinctdesireIhad,toknowwhereshewent.Heacquiescing,wefollowedatadistance:neverlosingsightofher,butnevercaringtocomeverynear,asshefrequentlylookedabout.Once,shestoppedtolistentoabandofmusic;andthenwestoppedtoo.Shewentonalongway.Stillwewenton.Itwasevident,from
themannerinwhichsheheldhercourse,thatshewasgoingtosomefixeddestination;andthis,andherkeepinginthebusystreets,andIsupposethestrangefascinationinthesecrecyandmysteryofsofollowinganyone,mademeadheretomyfirstpurpose.Atlengthsheturnedintoadull,darkstreet,wherethenoiseandcrowdwerelost;andIsaid,'Wemayspeaktohernow';and,mendingourpace,wewentafterher.CHAPTER47MARTHAWewerenowdowninWestminster.Wehadturnedbacktofollowher,havingencounteredhercomingtowardsus;andWestminsterAbbeywasthepointatwhichshepassedfromthelightsandnoiseoftheleadingstreets.Sheproceededsoquickly,whenshegotfreeofthetwocurrentsofpassengerssettingtowardsandfromthebridge,that,betweenthisandtheadvanceshehadofuswhenshestruckoff,wewereinthenarrowwater-sidestreetbyMillbankbeforewecameupwithher.Atthatmomentshecrossedtheroad,asiftoavoidthefootstepsthatsheheardsoclosebehind;and,withoutlookingback,passedonevenmorerapidly.
Aglimpseoftheriverthroughadullgateway,wheresomewaggonswerehousedforthenight,seemedtoarrestmyfeet.Itouchedmycompanionwithoutspeaking,andwebothforboretocrossafterher,andbothfollowedonthatoppositesideoftheway;keepingasquietlyaswecouldintheshadowofthehouses,butkeepingverynearher.Therewas,andiswhenIwrite,attheendofthatlow-lyingstreet,adilapidatedlittlewoodenbuilding,probablyanobsoleteoldferry-house.Itspositionisjustatthatpointwherethestreetceases,andtheroadbeginstoliebetweenarowofhousesandtheriver.Assoonasshecamehere,andsawthewater,shestoppedasifshehadcometoherdestination;andpresentlywentslowlyalongbythebrinkoftheriver,lookingintentlyatit.Allthewayhere,Ihadsupposedthatshewasgoingtosomehouse;indeed,Ihadvaguelyentertainedthehopethatthehousemightbeinsomewayassociatedwiththelostgirl.Butthatonedarkglimpseoftheriver,throughthegateway,hadinstinctivelypreparedmeforhergoingnofarther.Theneighbourhoodwasadrearyoneatthattime;asoppressive,sad,andsolitarybynight,asanyaboutLondon.Therewere
neitherwharvesnorhousesonthemelancholywasteofroadnearthegreatblankPrison.Asluggishditchdepositeditsmudattheprisonwalls.Coarsegrassandrankweedsstraggledoverallthemarshylandinthevicinity.Inonepart,carcasesofhouses,inauspiciouslybegunandneverfinished,rottedaway.Inanother,thegroundwascumberedwithrustyironmonstersofsteam-boilers,wheels,cranks,pipes,furnaces,paddles,anchors,diving-bells,windmill-sails,andIknownotwhatstrangeobjects,accumulatedbysomespeculator,andgrovellinginthedust,underneathwhich-havingsunkintothesoiloftheirownweightinwetweather-theyhadtheappearanceofvainlytryingtohidethemselves.TheclashandglareofsundryfieryWorksupontheriver-side,arosebynighttodisturbeverythingexcepttheheavyandunbrokensmokethatpouredoutoftheirchimneys.Slimygapsandcauseways,windingamongoldwoodenpiles,withasicklysubstanceclingingtothelatter,likegreenhair,andtheragsoflastyear'shandbillsofferingrewardsfordrownedmenflutteringabovehigh-watermark,leddownthroughtheoozeandslushtotheebb-tide.TherewasastorythatoneofthepitsdugforthedeadinthetimeoftheGreatPlaguewashereabout;andablightinginfluenceseemedtohaveproceededfromitoverthewholeplace.Orelseitlookedasifithadgraduallydecomposedintothatnightmarecondition,outoftheoverflowingsofthepollutedstream.
Asifshewereapartoftherefuseithadcastout,andlefttocorruptionanddecay,thegirlwehadfollowedstrayeddowntotheriver'sbrink,andstoodinthemidstofthisnight-picture,lonelyandstill,lookingatthewater.Thereweresomeboatsandbargesastrandinthemud,andtheseenabledustocomewithinafewyardsofherwithoutbeingseen.IthensignedtoMr.Peggottytoremainwherehewas,andemergedfromtheirshadetospeaktoher.Ididnotapproachhersolitaryfigurewithouttrembling;forthisgloomyendtoherdeterminedwalk,andthewayinwhichshestood,almostwithinthecavernousshadowoftheironbridge,lookingatthelightscrookedlyreflectedinthestrongtide,inspiredadreadwithinme.Ithinkshewastalkingtoherself.Iamsure,althoughabsorbedingazingatthewater,thathershawlwasoffhershoulders,andthatshewasmufflingherhandsinit,inanunsettledandbewilderedway,moreliketheactionofasleep-walkerthanawakingperson.Iknow,andnevercanforget,thattherewasthatinherwildmannerwhichgavemenoassurancebutthatshewouldsinkbeforemyeyes,untilIhadherarmwithinmygrasp.
AtthesamemomentIsaid'Martha!'Sheutteredaterrifiedscream,andstruggledwithmewithsuchstrengththatIdoubtifIcouldhaveheldheralone.Butastrongerhandthanminewaslaiduponher;andwhensheraisedherfrightenedeyesandsawwhoseitwas,shemadebutonemoreeffortanddroppeddownbetweenus.Wecarriedherawayfromthewatertowherethereweresomedrystones,andtherelaidherdown,cryingandmoaning.Inalittlewhileshesatamongthestones,holdingherwretchedheadwithbothherhands.'Oh,theriver!'shecriedpassionately.'Oh,theriver!''Hush,hush!'saidI.'Calmyourself.'Butshestillrepeatedthesamewords,continuallyexclaiming,'Oh,theriver!'overandoveragain.'Iknowit'slikeme!'sheexclaimed.'IknowthatIbelongtoit.Iknowthatit'sthenaturalcompanyofsuchasIam!Itcomesfromcountryplaces,wheretherewasoncenoharminit-anditcreepsthroughthedismalstreets,defiledandmiserable-anditgoesaway,likemylife,toagreatsea,thatisalwaystroubled-and
IfeelthatImustgowithit!'Ihaveneverknownwhatdespairwas,exceptinthetoneofthosewords.'Ican'tkeepawayfromit.Ican'tforgetit.Ithauntsmedayandnight.It'stheonlythinginalltheworldthatIamfitfor,orthat'sfitforme.Oh,thedreadfulriver!'Thethoughtpassedthroughmymindthatinthefaceofmycompanion,ashelookeduponherwithoutspeechormotion,Imighthavereadhisniece'shistory,ifIhadknownnothingofit.Ineversaw,inanypaintingorreality,horrorandcompassionsoimpressivelyblended.Heshookasifhewouldhavefallen;andhishand-Itoucheditwithmyown,forhisappearancealarmedme-wasdeadlycold.'Sheisinastateoffrenzy,'Iwhisperedtohim.'Shewillspeakdifferentlyinalittletime.'Idon'tknowwhathewouldhavesaidinanswer.Hemadesomemotionwithhismouth,andseemedtothinkhehadspoken;buthehadonlypointedtoherwithhisoutstretchedhand.
Anewburstofcryingcameuponhernow,inwhichsheoncemorehidherfaceamongthestones,andlaybeforeus,aprostrateimageofhumiliationandruin.Knowingthatthisstatemustpass,beforewecouldspeaktoherwithanyhope,Iventuredtorestrainhimwhenhewouldhaveraisedher,andwestoodbyinsilenceuntilshebecamemoretranquil.'Martha,'saidIthen,leaningdown,andhelpinghertorise-sheseemedtowanttoriseasifwiththeintentionofgoingaway,butshewasweak,andleanedagainstaboat.'Doyouknowwhothisis,whoiswithme?'Shesaidfaintly,'Yes.''Doyouknowthatwehavefollowedyoualongwaytonight?'Sheshookherhead.Shelookedneitherathimnoratme,butstoodinahumbleattitude,holdingherbonnetandshawlinonehand,withoutappearingconsciousofthem,andpressingtheother,clenched,againstherforehead.'Areyoucomposedenough,'saidI,'tospeakonthesubjectwhichsointerestedyou-IhopeHeavenmayrememberit!-thatsnowy
night?'Hersobsbrokeoutafresh,andshemurmuredsomeinarticulatethankstomefornothavingdrivenherawayfromthedoor.'Iwanttosaynothingformyself,'shesaid,afterafewmoments.'Iambad,Iamlost.Ihavenohopeatall.Buttellhim,sir,'shehadshrunkawayfromhim,'ifyoudon'tfeeltoohardtometodoit,thatIneverwasinanywaythecauseofhismisfortune.''Ithasneverbeenattributedtoyou,'Ireturned,earnestlyrespondingtoherearnestness.'Itwasyou,ifIdon'tdeceivemyself,'shesaid,inabrokenvoice,'thatcameintothekitchen,thenightshetooksuchpityonme;wassogentletome;didn'tshrinkawayfrommelikealltherest,andgavemesuchkindhelp!Wasityou,sir?''Itwas,'saidI.'Ishouldhavebeenintheriverlongago,'shesaid,glancingatitwithaterribleexpression,'ifanywrongtoherhadbeenuponmymind.Inevercouldhavekeptoutofitasinglewinter'snight,ifIhadnotbeenfreeofanyshareinthat!'
'Thecauseofherflightistoowellunderstood,'Isaid.'Youareinnocentofanypartinit,wethoroughlybelieve,-weknow.''Oh,Imighthavebeenmuchthebetterforher,ifIhadhadabetterheart!'exclaimedthegirl,withmostforlornregret;'forshewasalwaysgoodtome!Sheneverspokeawordtomebutwhatwaspleasantandright.IsitlikelyIwouldtrytomakeherwhatIammyself,knowingwhatIammyself,sowell?WhenIlosteverythingthatmakeslifedear,theworstofallmythoughtswasthatIwaspartedforeverfromher!'Mr.Peggotty,standingwithonehandonthegunwaleoftheboat,andhiseyescastdown,puthisdisengagedhandbeforehisface.'AndwhenIheardwhathadhappenedbeforethatsnowynight,fromsomebelongingtoourtown,'criedMartha,'thebitterestthoughtinallmymindwas,thatthepeoplewouldremembersheoncekeptcompanywithme,andwouldsayIhadcorruptedher!When,Heavenknows,Iwouldhavediedtohavebroughtbackhergoodname!'Longunusedtoanyself-control,thepiercingagonyofherremorseandgriefwasterrible.
'Tohavedied,wouldnothavebeenmuch-whatcanIsay?-Iwouldhavelived!'shecried.'Iwouldhavelivedtobeold,inthewretchedstreets-andtowanderabout,avoided,inthedark-andtoseethedaybreakontheghastlylineofhouses,andrememberhowthesamesunusedtoshineintomyroom,andwakemeonce-Iwouldhavedoneeventhat,tosaveher!'Sinkingonthestones,shetooksomeineachhand,andclenchedthemup,asifshewouldhavegroundthem.Shewrithedintosomenewpostureconstantly:stiffeningherarms,twistingthembeforeherface,asthoughtoshutoutfromhereyesthelittlelighttherewas,anddroopingherhead,asifitwereheavywithinsupportablerecollections.'WhatshallIeverdo!'shesaid,fightingthuswithherdespair.'HowcanIgoonasIam,asolitarycursetomyself,alivingdisgracetoeveryoneIcomenear!'Suddenlysheturnedtomycompanion.'Stampuponme,killme!Whenshewasyourpride,youwouldhavethoughtIhaddoneherharmifIhadbrushedagainstherinthestreet.Youcan'tbelieve-whyshouldyou?-asyllablethatcomesoutofmylips.Itwouldbeaburningshameuponyou,evennow,ifsheandIexchangedaword.Idon'tcomplain.I
don'tsaysheandIarealike-Iknowthereisalong,longwaybetweenus.Ionlysay,withallmyguiltandwretchednessuponmyhead,thatIamgratefultoherfrommysoul,andloveher.Oh,don'tthinkthatallthepowerIhadoflovinganythingisquitewornout!Throwmeaway,asalltheworlddoes.KillmeforbeingwhatIam,andhavingeverknownher;butdon'tthinkthatofme!'Helookeduponher,whileshemadethissupplication,inawilddistractedmanner;and,whenshewassilent,gentlyraisedher.'Martha,'saidMr.Peggotty,'GodforbidasIshouldjudgeyou.ForbidasI,ofallmen,shoulddothat,mygirl!Youdoen'tknowhalfthechangethat'scome,incourseoftime,uponme,whenyouthinkitlikely.Well!'hepausedamoment,thenwenton.'Youdoen'tunderstandhow'tisthatthisheregentlemanandmehaswishedtospeaktoyou.Youdoen'tunderstandwhat'tiswehasaforeus.Listennow!'Hisinfluenceuponherwascomplete.Shestood,shrinkingly,beforehim,asifshewereafraidtomeethiseyes;butherpassionatesorrowwasquitehushedandmute.'Ifyouheerd,'saidMr.Peggotty,'owtofwhatpassedbetween
Mas'rDavyandme,th'nightwhenitsnewsohard,youknowasIhavebeen-wheernot-furtoseekmydearniece.Mydearniece,'herepeatedsteadily.'Furshe'smoredeartomenow,Martha,thanshewasdearafore.'Sheputherhandsbeforeherface;butotherwiseremainedquiet.'Ihaveheerdhertell,'saidMr.Peggotty,'asyouwasearlyleftfatherlessandmotherless,withnofriendfurtotake,inaroughseafaring-way,theirplace.Maybeyoucanguessthatifyou'dhadsuchafriend,you'dhavegotintoawayofbeingfondofhimincourseoftime,andthatmyniecewaskienderdaughter-liketome.'Asshewassilentlytrembling,heputhershawlcarefullyabouther,takingitupfromthegroundforthatpurpose.'Whereby,'saidhe,'Iknow,bothasshewouldgotothewureld'sfurdestendwithme,ifshecouldonceseemeagain;andthatshewouldflytothewureld'sfurdestendtokeepoffseeingme.Forthoughsheain'tnocalltodoubtmylove,anddoen't-anddoen't,'herepeated,withaquietassuranceofthetruthofwhathesaid,'there'sshamestepsin,andkeepsbetwixtus.'
Iread,ineverywordofhisplainimpressivewayofdeliveringhimself,newevidenceofhishavingthoughtofthisonetopic,ineveryfeatureitpresented.'Accordingtoourreckoning,'heproceeded,'Mas'rDavy'shere,andmine,sheislike,oneday,tomakeherownpoorsolitarycoursetoLondon.Webelieve-Mas'rDavy,me,andallofus-thatyouareasinnocentofeverythingthathasbefellher,astheunbornchild.You'vespokeofherbeingpleasant,kind,andgentletoyou.Blessher,Iknewshewas!Iknewshealwayswas,toall.You'rethankfultoher,andyouloveher.Helpusallyoucantofindher,andmayHeavenrewardyou!'Shelookedathimhastily,andforthefirsttime,asifsheweredoubtfulofwhathehadsaid.'Willyoutrustme?'sheasked,inalowvoiceofastonishment.'Fullandfree!'saidMr.Peggotty.'Tospeaktoher,ifIshouldeverfindher;shelterher,ifIhaveanysheltertodividewithher;andthen,withoutherknowledge,cometoyou,andbringyoutoher?'sheaskedhurriedly.
Webothrepliedtogether,'Yes!'Shelifteduphereyes,andsolemnlydeclaredthatshewoulddevoteherselftothistask,ferventlyandfaithfully.Thatshewouldneverwaverinit,neverbedivertedfromit,neverrelinquishit,whiletherewasanychanceofhope.Ifshewerenottruetoit,mighttheobjectshenowhadinlife,whichboundhertosomethingdevoidofevil,initspassingawayfromher,leavehermoreforlornandmoredespairing,ifthatwerepossible,thanshehadbeenupontheriver'sbrinkthatnight;andthenmightallhelp,humanandDivine,renounceherevermore!Shedidnotraisehervoiceaboveherbreath,oraddressus,butsaidthistothenightsky;thenstoodprofoundlyquiet,lookingatthegloomywater.Wejudgeditexpedient,now,totellherallweknew;whichIrecountedatlength.Shelistenedwithgreatattention,andwithafacethatoftenchanged,buthadthesamepurposeinallitsvaryingexpressions.Hereyesoccasionallyfilledwithtears,butthosesherepressed.Itseemedasifherspiritwerequitealtered,andshecouldnotbetooquiet.
Sheasked,whenallwastold,whereweweretobecommunicatedwith,ifoccasionshouldarise.Underadulllampintheroad,Iwroteourtwoaddressesonaleafofmypocket-book,whichItoreoutandgavetoher,andwhichsheputinherpoorbosom.Iaskedherwhereshelivedherself.Shesaid,afterapause,innoplacelong.Itwerebetternottoknow.Mr.Peggottysuggestingtome,inawhisper,whathadalreadyoccurredtomyself,Itookoutmypurse;butIcouldnotprevailuponhertoacceptanymoney,norcouldIexactanypromisefromherthatshewoulddosoatanothertime.IrepresentedtoherthatMr.Peggottycouldnotbecalled,foroneinhiscondition,poor;andthattheideaofherengaginginthissearch,whiledependingonherownresources,shockedusboth.Shecontinuedsteadfast.Inthisparticular,hisinfluenceuponherwasequallypowerlesswithmine.Shegratefullythankedhimbutremainedinexorable.'Theremaybeworktobegot,'shesaid.'I'lltry.''Atleasttakesomeassistance,'Ireturned,'untilyouhavetried.'
'IcouldnotdowhatIhavepromised,formoney,'shereplied.'Icouldnottakeit,ifIwasstarving.Togivememoneywouldbetotakeawayyourtrust,totakeawaytheobjectthatyouhavegivenme,totakeawaytheonlycertainthingthatsavesmefromtheriver.''Inthenameofthegreatjudge,'saidI,'beforewhomyouandallofusmuststandatHisdreadtime,dismissthatterribleidea!Wecanalldosomegood,ifwewill.'Shetrembled,andherlipshook,andherfacewaspaler,assheanswered:'Ithasbeenputintoyourhearts,perhaps,tosaveawretchedcreatureforrepentance.Iamafraidtothinkso;itseemstoobold.Ifanygoodshouldcomeofme,Imightbegintohope;fornothingbutharmhasevercomeofmydeedsyet.Iamtobetrusted,forthefirsttimeinalongwhile,withmymiserablelife,onaccountofwhatyouhavegivenmetotryfor.Iknownomore,andIcansaynomore.'Againsherepressedthetearsthathadbeguntoflow;and,putting
outhertremblinghand,andtouchingMr.Peggotty,asiftherewassomehealingvirtueinhim,wentawayalongthedesolateroad.Shehadbeenill,probablyforalongtime.Iobserved,uponthatcloseropportunityofobservation,thatshewaswornandhaggard,andthathersunkeneyesexpressedprivationandendurance.Wefollowedheratashortdistance,ourwaylyinginthesamedirection,untilwecamebackintothelightedandpopulousstreets.Ihadsuchimplicitconfidenceinherdeclaration,thatIthenputittoMr.Peggotty,whetheritwouldnotseem,intheonset,likedistrustingher,tofollowheranyfarther.Hebeingofthesamemind,andequallyreliantonher,wesufferedhertotakeherownroad,andtookours,whichwastowardsHighgate.Heaccompaniedmeagoodpartoftheway;andwhenweparted,withaprayerforthesuccessofthisfresheffort,therewasanewandthoughtfulcompassioninhimthatIwasatnolosstointerpret.ItwasmidnightwhenIarrivedathome.Ihadreachedmyowngate,andwasstandinglisteningforthedeepbellofSt.Paul's,thesoundofwhichIthoughthadbeenbornetowardsmeamongthemultitudeofstrikingclocks,whenIwasrathersurprisedtoseethatthedoorofmyaunt'scottagewasopen,andthatafaintlightintheentrywasshiningoutacrosstheroad.
Thinkingthatmyauntmighthaverelapsedintooneofheroldalarms,andmightbewatchingtheprogressofsomeimaginaryconflagrationinthedistance,Iwenttospeaktoher.ItwaswithverygreatsurprisethatIsawamanstandinginherlittlegarden.Hehadaglassandbottleinhishand,andwasintheactofdrinking.Istoppedshort,amongthethickfoliageoutside,forthemoonwasupnow,thoughobscured;andIrecognizedthemanwhomIhadoncesupposedtobeadelusionofMr.Dick's,andhadonceencounteredwithmyauntinthestreetsofthecity.Hewaseatingaswellasdrinking,andseemedtoeatwithahungryappetite.Heseemedcuriousregardingthecottage,too,asifitwerethefirsttimehehadseenit.Afterstoopingtoputthebottleontheground,helookedupatthewindows,andlookedabout;thoughwithacovertandimpatientair,asifhewasanxioustobegone.Thelightinthepassagewasobscuredforamoment,andmyauntcameout.Shewasagitated,andtoldsomemoneyintohishand.Ihearditchink.
'What'stheuseofthis?'hedemanded.'Icansparenomore,'returnedmyaunt.'ThenIcan'tgo,'saidhe.'Here!Youmaytakeitback!''Youbadman,'returnedmyaunt,withgreatemotion;'howcanyouusemeso?ButwhydoIask?ItisbecauseyouknowhowweakIam!WhathaveItodo,tofreemyselfforeverofyourvisits,buttoabandonyoutoyourdeserts?''Andwhydon'tyouabandonmetomydeserts?'saidhe.'Youaskmewhy!'returnedmyaunt.'Whataheartyoumusthave!'Hestoodmoodilyrattlingthemoney,andshakinghishead,untilatlengthhesaid:'Isthisallyoumeantogiveme,then?''ItisallICANgiveyou,'saidmyaunt.'YouknowIhavehadlosses,andampoorerthanIusedtobe.Ihavetoldyouso.Havinggotit,whydoyougivemethepainoflookingatyoufor
anothermoment,andseeingwhatyouhavebecome?''Ihavebecomeshabbyenough,ifyoumeanthat,'hesaid.'Ileadthelifeofanowl.''YoustrippedmeofthegreaterpartofallIeverhad,'saidmyaunt.'Youclosedmyheartagainstthewholeworld,yearsandyears.Youtreatedmefalsely,ungratefully,andcruelly.Go,andrepentofit.Don'taddnewinjuriestothelong,longlistofinjuriesyouhavedoneme!''Aye!'hereturned.'It'sallveryfine-Well!ImustdothebestIcan,forthepresent,Isuppose.'Inspiteofhimself,heappearedabashedbymyaunt'sindignanttears,andcameslouchingoutofthegarden.Takingtwoorthreequicksteps,asifIhadjustcomeup,Imethimatthegate,andwentinashecameout.Weeyedoneanothernarrowlyinpassing,andwithnofavour.'Aunt,'saidI,hurriedly.'Thismanalarmingyouagain!Letmespeaktohim.Whoishe?'
'Child,'returnedmyaunt,takingmyarm,'comein,anddon'tspeaktomefortenminutes.'Wesatdowninherlittleparlour.Myauntretiredbehindtheroundgreenfanofformerdays,whichwasscrewedonthebackofachair,andoccasionallywipedhereyes,foraboutaquarterofanhour.Thenshecameout,andtookaseatbesideme.'Trot,'saidmyaunt,calmly,'it'smyhusband.''Yourhusband,aunt?Ithoughthehadbeendead!''Deadtome,'returnedmyaunt,'butliving.'Isatinsilentamazement.'BetseyTrotwooddon'tlookalikelysubjectforthetenderpassion,'saidmyaunt,composedly,'butthetimewas,Trot,whenshebelievedinthatmanmostentirely.Whenshelovedhim,Trot,rightwell.Whentherewasnoproofofattachmentandaffectionthatshewouldnothavegivenhim.Herepaidherbybreakingherfortune,andnearlybreakingherheart.Sosheputallthatsortofsentiment,onceandforever,inagrave,andfilleditup,and
flatteneditdown.''Mydear,goodaunt!''Ilefthim,'myauntproceeded,layingherhandasusualonthebackofmine,'generously.Imaysayatthisdistanceoftime,Trot,thatIlefthimgenerously.Hehadbeensocrueltome,thatImighthaveeffectedaseparationoneasytermsformyself;butIdidnot.HesoonmadeducksanddrakesofwhatIgavehim,sanklowerandlower,marriedanotherwoman,Ibelieve,becameanadventurer,agambler,andacheat.Whatheisnow,yousee.Buthewasafine-lookingmanwhenImarriedhim,'saidmyaunt,withanechoofheroldprideandadmirationinhertone;'andIbelievedhim-Iwasafool!-tobethesoulofhonour!'Shegavemyhandasqueeze,andshookherhead.'Heisnothingtomenow,Trot-lessthannothing.But,soonerthanhavehimpunishedforhisoffences(ashewouldbeifheprowledaboutinthiscountry),IgivehimmoremoneythanIcanafford,atintervalswhenhereappears,togoaway.IwasafoolwhenImarriedhim;andIamsofaranincurablefoolonthatsubject,that,forthesakeofwhatIoncebelievedhimtobe,I
wouldn'thaveeventhisshadowofmyidlefancyhardlydealtwith.ForIwasinearnest,Trot,ifeverawomanwas.'MYauntdismissedthematterwithaheavysigh,andsmoothedherdress.'There,mydear!'shesaid.'Nowyouknowthebeginning,middle,andend,andallaboutit.Wewon'tmentionthesubjecttooneanotheranymore;neither,ofcourse,willyoumentionittoanybodyelse.Thisismygrumpy,frumpystory,andwe'llkeepittoourselves,Trot!'CHAPTER48DOMESTICIlabouredhardatmybook,withoutallowingittointerferewiththepunctualdischargeofmynewspaperduties;anditcameoutandwasverysuccessful.Iwasnotstunnedbythepraisewhichsoundedinmyears,notwithstandingthatIwaskeenlyalivetoit,andthoughtbetterofmyownperformance,Ihavelittledoubt,thananybodyelsedid.Ithasalwaysbeeninmyobservationofhuman
nature,thatamanwhohasanygoodreasontobelieveinhimselfneverflourisheshimselfbeforethefacesofotherpeopleinorderthattheymaybelieveinhim.Forthisreason,Iretainedmymodestyinveryself-respect;andthemorepraiseIgot,themoreItriedtodeserve.Itisnotmypurpose,inthisrecord,thoughinallotheressentialsitismywrittenmemory,topursuethehistoryofmyownfictions.Theyexpressthemselves,andIleavethemtothemselves.WhenIrefertothem,incidentally,itisonlyasapartofmyprogress.Havingsomefoundationforbelieving,bythistime,thatnatureandaccidenthadmademeanauthor,Ipursuedmyvocationwithconfidence.WithoutsuchassuranceIshouldcertainlyhaveleftitalone,andbestowedmyenergyonsomeotherendeavour.Ishouldhavetriedtofindoutwhatnatureandaccidentreallyhadmademe,andtobethat,andnothingelse.Ihadbeenwriting,inthenewspaperandelsewhere,soprosperously,thatwhenmynewsuccesswasachieved,Iconsideredmyselfreasonablyentitledtoescapefromthedrearydebates.Onejoyfulnight,therefore,Inoteddownthemusicoftheparliamentarybagpipesforthelasttime,andIhaveneverheardit
since;thoughIstillrecognizetheolddroneinthenewspapers,withoutanysubstantialvariation(except,perhaps,thatthereismoreofit),allthelivelongsession.InowwriteofthetimewhenIhadbeenmarried,Isuppose,aboutayearandahalf.Afterseveralvarietiesofexperiment,wehadgivenupthehousekeepingasabadjob.Thehousekeptitself,andwekeptapage.Theprincipalfunctionofthisretainerwastoquarrelwiththecook;inwhichrespecthewasaperfectWhittington,withouthiscat,ortheremotestchanceofbeingmadeLordMayor.Heappearstometohavelivedinahailofsaucepan-lids.Hiswholeexistencewasascuffle.Hewouldshriekforhelponthemostimproperoccasions,-aswhenwehadalittledinner-party,orafewfriendsintheevening,-andwouldcometumblingoutofthekitchen,withironmissilesflyingafterhim.Wewantedtogetridofhim,buthewasverymuchattachedtous,andwouldn'tgo.Hewasatearfulboy,andbrokeintosuchdeplorablelamentations,whenacessationofourconnexionwashintedat,thatwewereobligedtokeephim.Hehadnomother-noanythinginthewayofarelative,thatIcoulddiscover,exceptasister,whofledtoAmericathemomentwehadtakenhimoffherhands;andhebecame
quarteredonuslikeahorribleyoungchangeling.Hehadalivelyperceptionofhisownunfortunatestate,andwasalwaysrubbinghiseyeswiththesleeveofhisjacket,orstoopingtoblowhisnoseontheextremecornerofalittlepocket-handkerchief,whichheneverwouldtakecompletelyoutofhispocket,butalwayseconomizedandsecreted.Thisunluckypage,engagedinanevilhouratsixpoundstenperannum,wasasourceofcontinualtroubletome.Iwatchedhimashegrew-andhegrewlikescarletbeans-withpainfulapprehensionsofthetimewhenhewouldbegintoshave;evenofthedayswhenhewouldbebaldorgrey.Isawnoprospectofevergettingridofhim;and,projectingmyselfintothefuture,usedtothinkwhataninconveniencehewouldbewhenhewasanoldman.Ineverexpectedanythingless,thanthisunfortunate'smannerofgettingmeoutofmydifficulty.HestoleDora'swatch,which,likeeverythingelsebelongingtous,hadnoparticularplaceofitsown;and,convertingitintomoney,spenttheproduce(hewasalwaysaweak-mindedboy)inincessantlyridingupanddownbetweenLondonandUxbridgeoutsidethecoach.HewastakentoBowStreet,aswellasIremember,onthecompletionofhisfifteenthjourney;whenfour-and-sixpence,andasecond-handfifewhichhecouldn't
play,werefounduponhisperson.Thesurpriseanditsconsequenceswouldhavebeenmuchlessdisagreeabletomeifhehadnotbeenpenitent.Buthewasverypenitentindeed,andinapeculiarway-notinthelump,butbyinstalments.Forexample:thedayafterthatonwhichIwasobligedtoappearagainsthim,hemadecertainrevelationstouchingahamperinthecellar,whichwebelievedtobefullofwine,butwhichhadnothinginitexceptbottlesandcorks.Wesupposedhehadnoweasedhismind,andtoldtheworstheknewofthecook;but,adayortwoafterwards,hisconsciencesustainedanewtwinge,andhedisclosedhowshehadalittlegirl,who,earlyeverymorning,tookawayourbread;andalsohowhehimselfhadbeensubornedtomaintainthemilkmanincoals.Intwoorthreedaysmore,Iwasinformedbytheauthoritiesofhishavingledtothediscoveryofsirloinsofbeefamongthekitchen-stuff,andsheetsintherag-bag.Alittlewhileafterwards,hebrokeoutinanentirelynewdirection,andconfessedtoaknowledgeofburglariousintentionsastoourpremises,onthepartofthepot-boy,whowasimmediatelytakenup.Igottobesoashamedofbeingsuchavictim,thatIwouldhavegivenhimanymoneytoholdhistongue,orwouldhaveofferedaroundbribeforhisbeingpermittedtorunaway.Itwasanaggravatingcircumstanceinthe
casethathehadnoideaofthis,butconceivedthathewasmakingmeamendsineverynewdiscovery:nottosay,heapingobligationsonmyhead.AtlastIranawaymyself,wheneverIsawanemissaryofthepoliceapproachingwithsomenewintelligence;andlivedastealthylifeuntilhewastriedandorderedtobetransported.Eventhenhecouldn'tbequiet,butwasalwayswritingusletters;andwantedsomuchtoseeDorabeforehewentaway,thatDorawenttovisithim,andfaintedwhenshefoundherselfinsidetheironbars.Inshort,Ihadnopeaceofmylifeuntilhewasexpatriated,andmade(asIafterwardsheard)ashepherdof,'upthecountry'somewhere;Ihavenogeographicalideawhere.Allthisledmeintosomeseriousreflections,andpresentedourmistakesinanewaspect;asIcouldnothelpcommunicatingtoDoraoneevening,inspiteofmytendernessforher.'Mylove,'saidI,'itisverypainfultometothinkthatourwantofsystemandmanagement,involvesnotonlyourselves(whichwehavegotusedto),butotherpeople.''Youhavebeensilentforalongtime,andnowyouaregoingtobe
cross!'saidDora.'No,mydear,indeed!LetmeexplaintoyouwhatImean.''IthinkIdon'twanttoknow,'saidDora.'ButIwantyoutoknow,mylove.PutJipdown.'Doraputhisnosetomine,andsaid'Boh!'todrivemyseriousnessaway;but,notsucceeding,orderedhimintohisPagoda,andsatlookingatme,withherhandsfolded,andamostresignedlittleexpressionofcountenance.'Thefactis,mydear,'Ibegan,'thereiscontagioninus.Weinfecteveryoneaboutus.'Imighthavegoneoninthisfigurativemanner,ifDora'sfacehadnotadmonishedmethatshewaswonderingwithallhermightwhetherIwasgoingtoproposeanynewkindofvaccination,orothermedicalremedy,forthisunwholesomestateofours.ThereforeIcheckedmyself,andmademymeaningplainer.'Itisnotmerely,mypet,'saidI,'thatwelosemoneyand
comfort,andeventempersometimes,bynotlearningtobemorecareful;butthatweincurtheseriousresponsibilityofspoilingeveryonewhocomesintoourservice,orhasanydealingswithus.Ibegintobeafraidthatthefaultisnotentirelyononeside,butthatthesepeopleallturnoutillbecausewedon'tturnoutverywellourselves.''Oh,whatanaccusation,'exclaimedDora,openinghereyeswide;'tosaythatyoueversawmetakegoldwatches!Oh!''Mydearest,'Iremonstrated,'don'ttalkpreposterousnonsense!Whohasmadetheleastallusiontogoldwatches?''Youdid,'returnedDora.'Youknowyoudid.YousaidIhadn'tturnedoutwell,andcomparedmetohim.''Towhom?'Iasked.'Tothepage,'sobbedDora.'Oh,youcruelfellow,tocompareyouraffectionatewifetoatransportedpage!Whydidn'tyoutellmeyouropinionofmebeforeweweremarried?Whydidn'tyousay,youhard-heartedthing,thatyouwereconvincedIwasworsethanatransportedpage?Oh,whatadreadfulopiniontohaveofme!Oh,
mygoodness!''Now,Dora,mylove,'Ireturned,gentlytryingtoremovethehandkerchiefshepressedtohereyes,'thisisnotonlyveryridiculousofyou,butverywrong.Inthefirstplace,it'snottrue.''Youalwayssaidhewasastory-teller,'sobbedDora.'Andnowyousaythesameofme!Oh,whatshallIdo!WhatshallIdo!''Mydarlinggirl,'Iretorted,'Ireallymustentreatyoutobereasonable,andlistentowhatIdidsay,anddosay.MydearDora,unlesswelearntodoourdutytothosewhomweemploy,theywillneverlearntodotheirdutytous.Iamafraidwepresentopportunitiestopeopletodowrong,thatneveroughttobepresented.Evenifwewereaslaxasweare,inallourarrangements,bychoice-whichwearenot-evenifwelikedit,andfounditagreeabletobeso-whichwedon't-Iampersuadedweshouldhavenorighttogooninthisway.Wearepositivelycorruptingpeople.Weareboundtothinkofthat.Ican'thelpthinkingofit,Dora.ItisareflectionIamunabletodismiss,anditsometimesmakesmeveryuneasy.There,dear,that'sall.Comenow.Don'tbefoolish!'
Dorawouldnotallowme,foralongtime,toremovethehandkerchief.Shesatsobbingandmurmuringbehindit,that,ifIwasuneasy,whyhadIeverbeenmarried?Whyhadn'tIsaid,eventhedaybeforewewenttochurch,thatIknewIshouldbeuneasy,andIwouldrathernot?IfIcouldn'tbearher,whydidn'tIsendherawaytoherauntsatPutney,ortoJuliaMillsinIndia?Juliawouldbegladtoseeher,andwouldnotcallheratransportedpage;Julianeverhadcalledheranythingofthesort.Inshort,Dorawassoafflicted,andsoafflictedmebybeinginthatcondition,thatIfeltitwasofnouserepeatingthiskindofeffort,thoughneversomildly,andImusttakesomeothercourse.Whatothercoursewaslefttotake?To'formhermind'?Thiswasacommonphraseofwordswhichhadafairandpromisingsound,andIresolvedtoformDora'smind.Ibeganimmediately.WhenDorawasverychildish,andIwouldhaveinfinitelypreferredtohumourher,Itriedtobegrave-anddisconcertedher,andmyselftoo.Italkedtoheronthesubjectswhichoccupiedmythoughts;andIreadShakespearetoher-andfatiguedhertothelastdegree.Iaccustomedmyselftogivingher,asitwerequitecasually,littlescrapsofuseful
information,orsoundopinion-andshestartedfromthemwhenIletthemoff,asiftheyhadbeencrackers.NomatterhowincidentallyornaturallyIendeavouredtoformmylittlewife'smind,IcouldnothelpseeingthatshealwayshadaninstinctiveperceptionofwhatIwasabout,andbecameapreytothekeenestapprehensions.Inparticular,itwascleartome,thatshethoughtShakespeareaterriblefellow.Theformationwentonveryslowly.IpressedTraddlesintotheservicewithouthisknowledge;andwheneverhecametoseeus,explodedmyminesuponhimfortheedificationofDoraatsecondhand.TheamountofpracticalwisdomIbestoweduponTraddlesinthismannerwasimmense,andofthebestquality;butithadnoothereffectuponDorathantodepressherspirits,andmakeheralwaysnervouswiththedreadthatitwouldbeherturnnext.Ifoundmyselfintheconditionofaschoolmaster,atrap,apitfall;ofalwaysplayingspidertoDora'sfly,andalwayspouncingoutofmyholetoherinfinitedisturbance.Still,lookingforwardthroughthisintermediatestage,tothetimewhenthereshouldbeaperfectsympathybetweenDoraandme,andwhenIshouldhave'formedhermind'tomyentiresatisfaction,Ipersevered,evenformonths.Findingatlast,however,that,
althoughIhadbeenallthistimeaveryporcupineorhedgehog,bristlingalloverwithdetermination,Ihadeffectednothing,itbegantooccurtomethatperhapsDora'smindwasalreadyformed.Onfurtherconsiderationthisappearedsolikely,thatIabandonedmyscheme,whichhadhadamorepromisingappearanceinwordsthaninaction;resolvinghenceforthtobesatisfiedwithmychild-wife,andtotrytochangeherintonothingelsebyanyprocess.Iwasheartilytiredofbeingsagaciousandprudentbymyself,andofseeingmydarlingunderrestraint;soIboughtaprettypairofear-ringsforher,andacollarforJip,andwenthomeonedaytomakemyselfagreeable.Dorawasdelightedwiththelittlepresents,andkissedmejoyfully;buttherewasashadowbetweenus,howeverslight,andIhadmadeupmymindthatitshouldnotbethere.Iftheremustbesuchashadowanywhere,Iwouldkeepitforthefutureinmyownbreast.Isatdownbymywifeonthesofa,andputtheear-ringsinherears;andthenItoldherthatIfearedwehadnotbeenquiteasgoodcompanylately,asweusedtobe,andthatthefaultwasmine.WhichIsincerelyfelt,andwhichindeeditwas.
'Thetruthis,Dora,mylife,'Isaid;'Ihavebeentryingtobewise.''Andtomakemewisetoo,'saidDora,timidly.'Haven'tyou,Doady?'Inoddedassenttotheprettyinquiryoftheraisedeyebrows,andkissedthepartedlips.'It'sofnotabitofuse,'saidDora,shakingherhead,untiltheear-ringsrangagain.'YouknowwhatalittlethingIam,andwhatIwantedyoutocallmefromthefirst.Ifyoucan'tdoso,Iamafraidyou'llneverlikeme.Areyousureyoudon'tthink,sometimes,itwouldhavebeenbettertohave-''Donewhat,mydear?'Forshemadenoefforttoproceed.'Nothing!'saidDora.'Nothing?'Irepeated.Sheputherarmsroundmyneck,andlaughed,andcalledherselfby
herfavouritenameofagoose,andhidherfaceonmyshoulderinsuchaprofusionofcurlsthatitwasquiteatasktoclearthemawayandseeit.'Don'tIthinkitwouldhavebeenbettertohavedonenothing,thantohavetriedtoformmylittlewife'smind?'saidI,laughingatmyself.'Isthatthequestion?Yes,indeed,Ido.''Isthatwhatyouhavebeentrying?'criedDora.'Ohwhatashockingboy!''ButIshallnevertryanymore,'saidI.'ForIloveherdearlyassheis.''Withoutastory-really?'inquiredDora,creepingclosertome.'WhyshouldIseektochange,'saidI,'whathasbeensoprecioustomeforsolong!Younevercanshowbetterthanasyourownnaturalself,mysweetDora;andwe'lltrynoconceitedexperiments,butgobacktoouroldway,andbehappy.''Andbehappy!'returnedDora.'Yes!Allday!Andyouwon'tmindthingsgoingatinymorselwrong,sometimes?'
'No,no,'saidI.'Wemustdothebestwecan.''Andyouwon'ttellme,anymore,thatwemakeotherpeoplebad,'coaxedDora;'willyou?Becauseyouknowit'ssodreadfullycross!''No,no,'saidI.'it'sbetterformetobestupidthanuncomfortable,isn'tit?'saidDora.'BettertobenaturallyDorathananythingelseintheworld.''Intheworld!Ah,Doady,it'salargeplace!'Sheshookherhead,turnedherdelightedbrighteyesuptomine,kissedme,brokeintoamerrylaugh,andsprangawaytoputonJip'snewcollar.SoendedmylastattempttomakeanychangeinDora.Ihadbeenunhappyintryingit;Icouldnotenduremyownsolitarywisdom;Icouldnotreconcileitwithherformerappealtomeasmy
child-wife.IresolvedtodowhatIcould,inaquietway,toimproveourproceedingsmyself,butIforesawthatmyutmostwouldbeverylittle,orImustdegenerateintothespideragain,andbeforeverlyinginwait.AndtheshadowIhavementioned,thatwasnottobebetweenusanymore,butwastorestwhollyonmyownheart?Howdidthatfall?Theoldunhappyfeelingpervadedmylife.Itwasdeepened,ifitwerechangedatall;butitwasasundefinedasever,andaddressedmelikeastrainofsorrowfulmusicfaintlyheardinthenight.Ilovedmywifedearly,andIwashappy;butthehappinessIhadvaguelyanticipated,once,wasnotthehappinessIenjoyed,andtherewasalwayssomethingwanting.InfulfilmentofthecompactIhavemadewithmyself,toreflectmymindonthispaper,Iagainexamineit,closely,andbringitssecretstothelight.WhatImissed,Istillregarded-Ialwaysregarded-assomethingthathadbeenadreamofmyyouthfulfancy;thatwasincapableofrealization;thatIwasnowdiscoveringtobeso,withsomenaturalpain,asallmendid.Butthatitwouldhavebeenbetterformeifmywifecouldhavehelpedmemore,andsharedthemanythoughtsinwhichIhadnopartner;andthatthismight
havebeen;Iknew.Betweenthesetwoirreconcilableconclusions:theone,thatwhatIfeltwasgeneralandunavoidable;theother,thatitwasparticulartome,andmighthavebeendifferent:Ibalancedcuriously,withnodistinctsenseoftheiroppositiontoeachother.WhenIthoughtoftheairydreamsofyouththatareincapableofrealization,IthoughtofthebetterstateprecedingmanhoodthatIhadoutgrown;andthenthecontenteddayswithAgnes,inthedearoldhouse,arosebeforeme,likespectresofthedead,thatmighthavesomerenewalinanotherworld,butnevermorecouldbereanimatedhere.Sometimes,thespeculationcameintomythoughts,Whatmighthavehappened,orwhatwouldhavehappened,ifDoraandIhadneverknowneachother?Butshewassoincorporatedwithmyexistence,thatitwastheidlestofallfancies,andwouldsoonriseoutofmyreachandsight,likegossamerfloatingintheair.Ialwayslovedher.WhatIamdescribing,slumbered,andhalfawoke,andsleptagain,intheinnermostrecessesofmymind.Therewasnoevidenceofitinme;IknowofnoinfluenceithadinanythingIsaidordid.Iboretheweightofallourlittlecares,andallmyprojects;Doraheldthepens;andwebothfeltthatour
shareswereadjustedasthecaserequired.Shewastrulyfondofme,andproudofme;andwhenAgneswroteafewearnestwordsinherletterstoDora,oftheprideandinterestwithwhichmyoldfriendsheardofmygrowingreputation,andreadmybookasiftheyheardmespeakingitscontents,Dorareadthemouttomewithtearsofjoyinherbrighteyes,andsaidIwasadearoldclever,famousboy.'Thefirstmistakenimpulseofanundisciplinedheart.'ThosewordsofMrs.Strong'swereconstantlyrecurringtome,atthistime;werealmostalwayspresenttomymind.Iawokewiththem,often,inthenight;Iremembertohaveevenreadthem,indreams,inscribeduponthewallsofhouses.ForIknew,now,thatmyownheartwasundisciplinedwhenitfirstlovedDora;andthatifithadbeendisciplined,itnevercouldhavefelt,whenweweremarried,whatithadfeltinitssecretexperience.'Therecanbenodisparityinmarriage,likeunsuitabilityofmindandpurpose.'ThosewordsIrememberedtoo.IhadendeavouredtoadaptDoratomyself,andfounditimpracticable.ItremainedformetoadaptmyselftoDora;tosharewithherwhatIcould,andbehappy;tobearonmyownshoulderswhatImust,andbehappystill.ThiswasthedisciplinetowhichItriedtobringmyheart,whenI
begantothink.Itmademysecondyearmuchhappierthanmyfirst;and,whatwasbetterstill,madeDora'slifeallsunshine.But,asthatyearworeon,Dorawasnotstrong.Ihadhopedthatlighterhandsthanminewouldhelptomouldhercharacter,andthatababy-smileuponherbreastmightchangemychild-wifetoawoman.Itwasnottobe.Thespiritflutteredforamomentonthethresholdofitslittleprison,and,unconsciousofcaptivity,tookwing.'WhenIcanrunaboutagain,asIusedtodo,aunt,'saidDora,'IshallmakeJiprace.Heisgettingquiteslowandlazy.''Isuspect,mydear,'saidmyauntquietlyworkingbyherside,'hehasaworsedisorderthanthat.Age,Dora.''Doyouthinkheisold?'saidDora,astonished.'Oh,howstrangeitseemsthatJipshouldbeold!''It'sacomplaintweareallliableto,LittleOne,aswegetoninlife,'saidmyaunt,cheerfully;'Idon'tfeelmorefreefromitthanIusedtobe,Iassureyou.'
'ButJip,'saidDora,lookingathimwithcompassion,'evenlittleJip!Oh,poorfellow!''Idaresayhe'lllastalongtimeyet,Blossom,'saidmyaunt,pattingDoraonthecheek,assheleanedoutofhercouchtolookatJip,whorespondedbystandingonhishindlegs,andbaulkinghimselfinvariousasthmaticattemptstoscrambleupbytheheadandshoulders.'Hemusthaveapieceofflannelinhishousethiswinter,andIshouldn'twonderifhecameoutquitefreshagain,withtheflowersinthespring.Blessthelittledog!'exclaimedmyaunt,'ifhehadasmanylivesasacat,andwasonthepointoflosing'emall,he'dbarkatmewithhislastbreath,Ibelieve!'Dorahadhelpedhimuponthesofa;wherehereallywasdefyingmyaunttosuchafuriousextent,thathecouldn'tkeepstraight,butbarkedhimselfsideways.Themoremyauntlookedathim,themorehereproachedher;forshehadlatelytakentospectacles,andforsomeinscrutablereasonheconsideredtheglassespersonal.Doramadehimliedownbyher,withagooddealofpersuasion;andwhenhewasquiet,drewoneofhislongearsthroughandthroughherhand,repeatingthoughtfully,'EvenlittleJip!Oh,poorfellow!'
'Hislungsaregoodenough,'saidmyaunt,gaily,'andhisdislikesarenotatallfeeble.Hehasagoodmanyyearsbeforehim,nodoubt.Butifyouwantadogtoracewith,LittleBlossom,hehaslivedtoowellforthat,andI'llgiveyouone.''Thankyou,aunt,'saidDora,faintly.'Butdon't,please!''No?'saidmyaunt,takingoffherspectacles.'Icouldn'thaveanyotherdogbutJip,'saidDora.'ItwouldbesounkindtoJip!Besides,Icouldn'tbesuchfriendswithanyotherdogbutJip;becausehewouldn'thaveknownmebeforeIwasmarried,andwouldn'thavebarkedatDoadywhenhefirstcametoourhouse.Icouldn'tcareforanyotherdogbutJip,Iamafraid,aunt.''Tobesure!'saidmyaunt,pattinghercheekagain.'Youareright.''Youarenotoffended,'saidDora.'Areyou?''Why,whatasensitivepetitis!'criedmyaunt,bendingoverher
affectionately.'TothinkthatIcouldbeoffended!''No,no,Ididn'treallythinkso,'returnedDora;'butIamalittletired,anditmademesillyforamoment-Iamalwaysasillylittlething,youknow,butitmadememoresilly-totalkaboutJip.Hehasknownmeinallthathashappenedtome,haven'tyou,Jip?AndIcouldn'tbeartoslighthim,becausehewasalittlealtered-couldI,Jip?'Jipnestledclosertohismistress,andlazilylickedherhand.'Youarenotsoold,Jip,areyou,thatyou'llleaveyourmistressyet?'saidDora.'Wemaykeeponeanothercompanyalittlelonger!'MyprettyDora!WhenshecamedowntodinnerontheensuingSunday,andwassogladtoseeoldTraddles(whoalwaysdinedwithusonSunday),wethoughtshewouldbe'runningaboutassheusedtodo',inafewdays.Buttheysaid,waitafewdaysmore;andthen,waitafewdaysmore;andstillsheneitherrannorwalked.Shelookedverypretty,andwasverymerry;butthelittlefeetthatusedtobesonimblewhentheydancedroundJip,weredullandmotionless.
Ibegantocarryherdownstairseverymorning,andupstairseverynight.Shewouldclaspmeroundtheneckandlaugh,thewhile,asifIdiditforawager.Jipwouldbarkandcaperroundus,andgoonbefore,andlookbackonthelanding,breathingshort,toseethatwewerecoming.Myaunt,thebestandmostcheerfulofnurses,wouldtrudgeafterus,amovingmassofshawlsandpillows.Mr.Dickwouldnothaverelinquishedhispostofcandle-bearertoanyonealive.Traddleswouldbeoftenatthebottomofthestaircase,lookingon,andtakingchargeofsportivemessagesfromDoratothedearestgirlintheworld.Wemadequiteagayprocessionofit,andmychild-wifewasthegayestthere.But,sometimes,whenItookherup,andfeltthatshewaslighterinmyarms,adeadblankfeelingcameuponme,asifIwereapproachingtosomefrozenregionyetunseen,thatnumbedmylife.Iavoidedtherecognitionofthisfeelingbyanyname,orbyanycommuningwithmyself;untilonenight,whenitwasverystronguponme,andmyaunthadleftherwithapartingcryof'Goodnight,LittleBlossom,'Isatdownatmydeskalone,andcriedtothink,Ohwhatafatalnameitwas,andhowtheblossomwitheredinitsbloomuponthetree!CHAPTER49
IAMINVOLVEDINMYSTERYIreceivedonemorningbythepost,thefollowingletter,datedCanterbury,andaddressedtomeatDoctor'sCommons;whichIreadwithsomesurprise:'MYDEARSIR,'Circumstancesbeyondmyindividualcontrolhave,foraconsiderablelapseoftime,effectedaseveranceofthatintimacywhich,inthelimitedopportunitiesconcededtomeinthemidstofmyprofessionalduties,ofcontemplatingthescenesandeventsofthepast,tingedbytheprismatichuesofmemory,haseveraffordedme,asitevermustcontinuetoafford,gratifyingemotionsofnocommondescription.Thisfact,mydearsir,combinedwiththedistinguishedelevationtowhichyourtalentshaveraisedyou,detersmefrompresumingtoaspiretothelibertyofaddressingthecompanionofmyyouth,bythefamiliarappellationofCopperfield!ItissufficienttoknowthatthenametowhichIdomyselfthehonourtorefer,willeverbetreasuredamongthemunimentsofourhouse(Ialludetothearchivesconnectedwithourformerlodgers,
preservedbyMrs.Micawber),withsentimentsofpersonalesteemamountingtoaffection.'Itisnotforone,situated,throughhisoriginalerrorsandafortuitouscombinationofunpropitiousevents,asisthefounderedBark(ifhemaybeallowedtoassumesomaritimeadenomination),whonowtakesupthepentoaddressyou-itisnot,Irepeat,foronesocircumstanced,toadoptthelanguageofcompliment,orofcongratulation.Thatheleavestoablerandtopurerhands.'Ifyourmoreimportantavocationsshouldadmitofyourevertracingtheseimperfectcharactersthusfar-whichmaybe,ormaynotbe,ascircumstancesarise-youwillnaturallyinquirebywhatobjectamIinfluenced,then,ininditingthepresentmissive?AllowmetosaythatIfullydefertothereasonablecharacterofthatinquiry,andproceedtodevelopit;premisingthatitisnotanobjectofapecuniarynature.'Withoutmoredirectlyreferringtoanylatentabilitythatmaypossiblyexistonmypart,ofwieldingthethunderbolt,ordirectingthedevouringandavengingflameinanyquarter,Imaybepermittedtoobserve,inpassing,thatmybrightestvisionsareforeverdispelled-thatmypeaceisshatteredandmypowerof
enjoymentdestroyed-thatmyheartisnolongerintherightplace-andthatInomorewalkerectbeforemyfellowman.Thecankerisintheflower.Thecupisbittertothebrim.Thewormisathiswork,andwillsoondisposeofhisvictim.Thesoonerthebetter.ButIwillnotdigress.'Placedinamentalpositionofpeculiarpainfulness,beyondtheassuagingreachevenofMrs.Micawber'sinfluence,thoughexercisedinthetripartitecharacterofwoman,wife,andmother,itismyintentiontoflyfrommyselfforashortperiod,anddevotearespiteofeight-and-fortyhourstorevisitingsomemetropolitanscenesofpastenjoyment.Amongotherhavensofdomestictranquillityandpeaceofmind,myfeetwillnaturallytendtowardstheKing'sBenchPrison.InstatingthatIshallbe(D.V.)ontheoutsideofthesouthwallofthatplaceofincarcerationoncivilprocess,thedayaftertomorrow,atsevenintheevening,precisely,myobjectinthisepistolarycommunicationisaccomplished.'IdonotfeelwarrantedinsolicitingmyformerfriendMr.Copperfield,ormyformerfriendMr.ThomasTraddlesoftheInnerTemple,ifthatgentlemanisstillexistentandforthcoming,tocondescendtomeetme,andrenew(sofarasmaybe)ourpastrelationsoftheoldentime.Iconfinemyselftothrowingoutthe
observation,that,atthehourandplaceIhaveindicated,maybefoundsuchruinedvestigesasyet'Remain,'Of'A'FallenTower,'WILKINSMICAWBER.'P.S.Itmaybeadvisabletosuperaddtotheabove,thestatementthatMrs.Micawberisnotinconfidentialpossessionofmyintentions.'Ireadtheletteroverseveraltimes.MakingdueallowanceforMr.Micawber'sloftystyleofcomposition,andfortheextraordinaryrelishwithwhichhesatdownandwrotelonglettersonallpossibleandimpossibleoccasions,Istillbelievedthatsomethingimportantlayhiddenatthebottomofthisroundaboutcommunication.Iputitdown,tothinkaboutit;andtookitupagain,toreaditoncemore;andwasstillpursuingit,whenTraddlesfoundmeintheheightofmyperplexity.'Mydearfellow,'saidI,'Ineverwasbetterpleasedtoseeyou.
Youcometogivemethebenefitofyoursoberjudgementatamostopportunetime.Ihavereceivedaverysingularletter,Traddles,fromMr.Micawber.''No?'criedTraddles.'Youdon'tsayso?AndIhavereceivedonefromMrs.Micawber!'Withthat,Traddles,whowasflushedwithwalking,andwhosehair,underthecombinedeffectsofexerciseandexcitement,stoodonendasifhesawacheerfulghost,producedhisletterandmadeanexchangewithme.IwatchedhimintotheheartofMr.Micawber'sletter,andreturnedtheelevationofeyebrowswithwhichhesaid"'Wieldingthethunderbolt,ordirectingthedevouringandavengingflame!"Blessme,Copperfield!'-andthenenteredontheperusalofMrs.Micawber'sepistle.Itranthus:'MybestregardstoMr.ThomasTraddles,andifheshouldstillrememberonewhoformerlyhadthehappinessofbeingwellacquaintedwithhim,mayIbegafewmomentsofhisleisuretime?IassureMr.T.T.thatIwouldnotintrudeuponhiskindness,were
Iinanyotherpositionthanontheconfinesofdistraction.'Thoughharrowingtomyselftomention,thealienationofMr.Micawber(formerlysodomesticated)fromhiswifeandfamily,isthecauseofmyaddressingmyunhappyappealtoMr.Traddles,andsolicitinghisbestindulgence.Mr.T.canformnoadequateideaofthechangeinMr.Micawber'sconduct,ofhiswildness,ofhisviolence.Ithasgraduallyaugmented,untilitassumestheappearanceofaberrationofintellect.Scarcelyadaypasses,IassureMr.Traddles,onwhichsomeparoxysmdoesnottakeplace.Mr.T.willnotrequiremetodepictmyfeelings,whenIinformhimthatIhavebecomeaccustomedtohearMr.MicawberassertthathehassoldhimselftotheD.Mysteryandsecrecyhavelongbeenhisprincipalcharacteristic,havelongreplacedunlimitedconfidence.Theslightestprovocation,evenbeingaskedifthereisanythinghewouldpreferfordinner,causeshimtoexpressawishforaseparation.Lastnight,onbeingchildishlysolicitedfortwopence,tobuy'lemon-stunners'-alocalsweetmeat-hepresentedanoyster-knifeatthetwins!'IentreatMr.Traddlestobearwithmeinenteringintothesedetails.Withoutthem,Mr.T.wouldindeedfinditdifficulttoformthefaintestconceptionofmyheart-rendingsituation.
'MayInowventuretoconfidetoMr.T.thepurportofmyletter?Willhenowallowmetothrowmyselfonhisfriendlyconsideration?Ohyes,forIknowhisheart!'Thequickeyeofaffectionisnoteasilyblinded,whenofthefemalesex.Mr.MicawberisgoingtoLondon.Thoughhestudiouslyconcealedhishand,thismorningbeforebreakfast,inwritingthedirection-cardwhichheattachedtothelittlebrownvaliseofhappierdays,theeagle-glanceofmatrimonialanxietydetected,d,o,n,distinctlytraced.TheWest-Enddestinationofthecoach,istheGoldenCross.DareIferventlyimploreMr.T.toseemymisguidedhusband,andtoreasonwithhim?DareIaskMr.T.toendeavourtostepinbetweenMr.Micawberandhisagonizedfamily?Ohno,forthatwouldbetoomuch!'IfMr.Copperfieldshouldyetrememberoneunknowntofame,willMr.T.takechargeofmyunalterableregardsandsimilarentreaties?Inanycase,hewillhavethebenevolencetoconsiderthiscommunicationstrictlyprivate,andonnoaccountwhatevertobealludedto,howeverdistantly,inthepresenceofMr.Micawber.IfMr.T.shouldeverreplytoit(whichIcannotbutfeeltobemostimprobable),aletteraddressedtoM.E.,PostOffice,
Canterbury,willbefraughtwithlesspainfulconsequencesthananyaddressedimmediatelytoone,whosubscribesherself,inextremedistress,'Mr.ThomasTraddles'srespectfulfriendandsuppliant,'EMMAMICAWBER.''Whatdoyouthinkofthatletter?'saidTraddles,castinghiseyesuponme,whenIhadreadittwice.'Whatdoyouthinkoftheother?'saidI.Forhewasstillreadingitwithknittedbrows.'Ithinkthatthetwotogether,Copperfield,'repliedTraddles,'meanmorethanMr.andMrs.Micawberusuallymeanintheircorrespondence-butIdon'tknowwhat.Theyarebothwritteningoodfaith,Ihavenodoubt,andwithoutanycollusion.Poorthing!'hewasnowalludingtoMrs.Micawber'sletter,andwewerestandingsidebysidecomparingthetwo;'itwillbeacharitytowritetoher,atallevents,andtellherthatwewillnotfailtoseeMr.Micawber.'
Iaccededtothisthemorereadily,becauseInowreproachedmyselfwithhavingtreatedherformerletterratherlightly.Ithadsetmethinkingagooddealatthetime,asIhavementionedinitsplace;butmyabsorptioninmyownaffairs,myexperienceofthefamily,andmyhearingnothingmore,hadgraduallyendedinmydismissingthesubject.IhadoftenthoughtoftheMicawbers,butchieflytowonderwhat'pecuniaryliabilities'theywereestablishinginCanterbury,andtorecallhowshyMr.MicawberwasofmewhenhebecameclerktoUriahHeep.However,InowwroteacomfortinglettertoMrs.Micawber,inourjointnames,andwebothsignedit.Aswewalkedintotowntopostit,TraddlesandIheldalongconference,andlaunchedintoanumberofspeculations,whichIneednotrepeat.Wetookmyauntintoourcounselsintheafternoon;butouronlydecidedconclusionwas,thatwewouldbeverypunctualinkeepingMr.Micawber'sappointment.Althoughweappearedatthestipulatedplaceaquarterofanhourbeforethetime,wefoundMr.Micawberalreadythere.Hewasstandingwithhisarmsfolded,overagainstthewall,lookingatthespikesonthetop,withasentimentalexpression,asifthey
weretheinterlacingboughsoftreesthathadshadedhiminhisyouth.Whenweaccostedhim,hismannerwassomethingmoreconfused,andsomethinglessgenteel,thanofyore.Hehadrelinquishedhislegalsuitofblackforthepurposesofthisexcursion,andworetheoldsurtoutandtights,butnotquitewiththeoldair.Hegraduallypickedupmoreandmoreofitasweconversedwithhim;but,hisveryeye-glassseemedtohanglesseasily,andhisshirt-collar,thoughstilloftheoldformidabledimensions,ratherdrooped.'Gentlemen!'saidMr.Micawber,afterthefirstsalutations,'youarefriendsinneed,andfriendsindeed.AllowmetooffermyinquirieswithreferencetothephysicalwelfareofMrs.Copperfieldinesse,andMrs.Traddlesinposse,-presuming,thatistosay,thatmyfriendMr.Traddlesisnotyetunitedtotheobjectofhisaffections,forwealandforwoe.'Weacknowledgedhispoliteness,andmadesuitablereplies.Hethendirectedourattentiontothewall,andwasbeginning,'Iassureyou,gentlemen,'whenIventuredtoobjecttothatceremoniousformofaddress,andtobegthathewouldspeaktousintheoldway.
'MydearCopperfield,'hereturned,pressingmyhand,'yourcordialityoverpowersme.ThisreceptionofashatteredfragmentoftheTempleoncecalledMan-ifImaybepermittedsotoexpressmyself-bespeaksaheartthatisanhonourtoourcommonnature.IwasabouttoobservethatIagainbeholdtheserenespotwheresomeofthehappiesthoursofmyexistencefleetedby.''Madeso,Iamsure,byMrs.Micawber,'saidI.'Ihopesheiswell?''Thankyou,'returnedMr.Micawber,whosefacecloudedatthisreference,'sheisbutso-so.Andthis,'saidMr.Micawber,noddinghisheadsorrowfully,'istheBench!Where,forthefirsttimeinmanyrevolvingyears,theoverwhelmingpressureofpecuniaryliabilitieswasnotproclaimed,fromdaytoday,byimportunevoicesdecliningtovacatethepassage;wheretherewasnoknockeronthedoorforanycreditortoappealto;wherepersonalserviceofprocesswasnotrequired,anddetaineesweremerelylodgedatthegate!Gentlemen,'saidMr.Micawber,'whentheshadowofthatiron-workonthesummitofthebrickstructurehasbeenreflectedonthegraveloftheParade,Ihaveseenmychildrenthreadthemazesoftheintricatepattern,avoidingthedarkmarks.
Ihavebeenfamiliarwitheverystoneintheplace.IfIbetrayweakness,youwillknowhowtoexcuseme.''Wehaveallgotoninlifesincethen,Mr.Micawber,'saidI.'Mr.Copperfield,'returnedMr.Micawber,bitterly,'whenIwasaninmateofthatretreatIcouldlookmyfellow-manintheface,andpunchhisheadifheoffendedme.Myfellow-manandmyselfarenolongeronthosegloriousterms!'Turningfromthebuildinginadowncastmanner,Mr.Micawberacceptedmyprofferedarmononeside,andtheprofferedarmofTraddlesontheother,andwalkedawaybetweenus.'Therearesomelandmarks,'observedMr.Micawber,lookingfondlybackoverhisshoulder,'ontheroadtothetomb,which,butfortheimpietyoftheaspiration,amanwouldwishnevertohavepassed.SuchistheBenchinmychequeredcareer.''Oh,youareinlowspirits,Mr.Micawber,'saidTraddles.'Iam,sir,'interposedMr.Micawber.
'Ihope,'saidTraddles,'itisnotbecauseyouhaveconceivedadisliketothelaw-forIamalawyermyself,youknow.'Mr.Micawberanswerednotaword.'HowisourfriendHeep,Mr.Micawber?'saidI,afterasilence.'MydearCopperfield,'returnedMr.Micawber,burstingintoastateofmuchexcitement,andturningpale,'ifyouaskaftermyemployerasyourfriend,Iamsorryforit;ifyouaskafterhimasMYfriend,Isardonicallysmileatit.Inwhatevercapacityyouaskaftermyemployer,Ibeg,withoutoffencetoyou,tolimitmyreplytothis-thatwhateverhisstateofhealthmaybe,hisappearanceisfoxy:nottosaydiabolical.Youwillallowme,asaprivateindividual,todeclinepursuingasubjectwhichhaslashedmetotheutmostvergeofdesperationinmyprofessionalcapacity.'Iexpressedmyregretforhavinginnocentlytoucheduponathemethatrousedhimsomuch.'MayIask,'saidI,'withoutanyhazardofrepeatingthemistake,howmyoldfriendsMr.andMissWickfieldare?''MissWickfield,'saidMr.Micawber,nowturningred,'is,asshe
alwaysis,apattern,andabrightexample.MydearCopperfield,sheistheonlystarryspotinamiserableexistence.Myrespectforthatyounglady,myadmirationofhercharacter,mydevotiontoherforherloveandtruth,andgoodness!-Takeme,'saidMr.Micawber,'downaturning,for,uponmysoul,inmypresentstateofmindIamnotequaltothis!'Wewheeledhimoffintoanarrowstreet,wherehetookouthispocket-handkerchief,andstoodwithhisbacktoawall.IfIlookedasgravelyathimasTraddlesdid,hemusthavefoundourcompanybynomeansinspiriting.'Itismyfate,'saidMr.Micawber,unfeignedlysobbing,butdoingeventhat,withashadowoftheoldexpressionofdoingsomethinggenteel;'itismyfate,gentlemen,thatthefinerfeelingsofournaturehavebecomereproachestome.MyhomagetoMissWickfield,isaflightofarrowsinmybosom.Youhadbetterleaveme,ifyouplease,towalktheearthasavagabond.Thewormwillsettlemybusinessindouble-quicktime.'Withoutattendingtothisinvocation,westoodby,untilheputuphispocket-handkerchief,pulleduphisshirt-collar,and,todelude
anypersonintheneighbourhoodwhomighthavebeenobservinghim,hummedatunewithhishatverymuchononeside.Ithenmentioned-notknowingwhatmightbelostifwelostsightofhimyet-thatitwouldgivemegreatpleasuretointroducehimtomyaunt,ifhewouldrideouttoHighgate,whereabedwasathisservice.'Youshallmakeusaglassofyourownpunch,Mr.Micawber,'saidI,'andforgetwhateveryouhaveonyourmind,inpleasanterreminiscences.''Or,ifconfidinganythingtofriendswillbemorelikelytorelieveyou,youshallimpartittous,Mr.Micawber,'saidTraddles,prudently.'Gentlemen,'returnedMr.Micawber,'dowithmeasyouwill!Iamastrawuponthesurfaceofthedeep,andamtossedinalldirectionsbytheelephants-Ibegyourpardon;Ishouldhavesaidtheelements.'Wewalkedon,arm-in-arm,again;foundthecoachintheactofstarting;andarrivedatHighgatewithoutencounteringanydifficultiesbytheway.Iwasveryuneasyandveryuncertaininmymindwhattosayordoforthebest-sowasTraddles,
evidently.Mr.Micawberwasforthemostpartplungedintodeepgloom.Heoccasionallymadeanattempttosmartenhimself,andhumthefag-endofatune;buthisrelapsesintoprofoundmelancholywereonlymadethemoreimpressivebythemockeryofahatexceedinglyononeside,andashirt-collarpulleduptohiseyes.Wewenttomyaunt'shouseratherthantomine,becauseofDora'snotbeingwell.Myauntpresentedherselfonbeingsentfor,andwelcomedMr.Micawberwithgraciouscordiality.Mr.Micawberkissedherhand,retiredtothewindow,andpullingouthispocket-handkerchief,hadamentalwrestlewithhimself.Mr.Dickwasathome.Hewasbynaturesoexceedinglycompassionateofanyonewhoseemedtobeillatease,andwassoquicktofindanysuchpersonout,thatheshookhandswithMr.Micawber,atleasthalf-a-dozentimesinfiveminutes.ToMr.Micawber,inhistrouble,thiswarmth,onthepartofastranger,wassoextremelytouching,thathecouldonlysay,ontheoccasionofeachsuccessiveshake,'Mydearsir,youoverpowerme!'WhichgratifiedMr.Dicksomuch,thathewentatitagainwithgreatervigourthanbefore.'Thefriendlinessofthisgentleman,'saidMr.Micawbertomyaunt,
'ifyouwillallowme,ma'am,tocullafigureofspeechfromthevocabularyofourcoarsernationalsports-floorsme.Toamanwhoisstrugglingwithacomplicatedburdenofperplexityanddisquiet,suchareceptionistrying,Iassureyou.''MyfriendMr.Dick,'repliedmyauntproudly,'isnotacommonman.''ThatIamconvincedof,'saidMr.Micawber.'Mydearsir!'forMr.Dickwasshakinghandswithhimagain;'Iamdeeplysensibleofyourcordiality!''Howdoyoufindyourself?'saidMr.Dick,withananxiouslook.'Indifferent,mydearsir,'returnedMr.Micawber,sighing.'Youmustkeepupyourspirits,'saidMr.Dick,'andmakeyourselfascomfortableaspossible.'Mr.Micawberwasquiteovercomebythesefriendlywords,andbyfindingMr.Dick'shandagainwithinhisown.'Ithasbeenmylot,'heobserved,'tomeet,inthediversifiedpanoramaofhumanexistence,withanoccasionaloasis,butneverwithonesogreen,
sogushing,asthepresent!'AtanothertimeIshouldhavebeenamusedbythis;butIfeltthatwewereallconstrainedanduneasy,andIwatchedMr.Micawbersoanxiously,inhisvacillationsbetweenanevidentdispositiontorevealsomething,andacounter-dispositiontorevealnothing,thatIwasinaperfectfever.Traddles,sittingontheedgeofhischair,withhiseyeswideopen,andhishairmoreemphaticallyerectthanever,staredbyturnsatthegroundandatMr.Micawber,withoutsomuchasattemptingtoputinaword.Myaunt,thoughIsawthathershrewdestobservationwasconcentratedonhernewguest,hadmoreusefulpossessionofherwitsthaneitherofus;forsheheldhiminconversation,andmadeitnecessaryforhimtotalk,whetherhelikeditornot.'Youareaveryoldfriendofmynephew's,Mr.Micawber,'saidmyaunt.'IwishIhadhadthepleasureofseeingyoubefore.''Madam,'returnedMr.Micawber,'IwishIhadhadthehonourofknowingyouatanearlierperiod.Iwasnotalwaysthewreckyouatpresentbehold.''IhopeMrs.Micawberandyourfamilyarewell,sir,'saidmyaunt.
Mr.Micawberinclinedhishead.'Theyareaswell,ma'am,'hedesperatelyobservedafterapause,'asAliensandOutcastscaneverhopetobe.''Lordblessyou,sir!'exclaimedmyaunt,inherabruptway.'Whatareyoutalkingabout?''Thesubsistenceofmyfamily,ma'am,'returnedMr.Micawber,'tremblesinthebalance.Myemployer-'HereMr.Micawberprovokinglyleftoff;andbegantopeelthelemonsthathadbeenundermydirectionssetbeforehim,togetherwithalltheotherappliancesheusedinmakingpunch.'Youremployer,youknow,'saidMr.Dick,jogginghisarmasagentlereminder.'Mygoodsir,'returnedMr.Micawber,'yourecallme,Iamobligedtoyou.'Theyshookhandsagain.'Myemployer,ma'am-Mr.Heep-oncedidmethefavourtoobservetome,thatifIwerenotinthereceiptofthestipendiaryemolumentsappertainingtomyengagementwithhim,Ishouldprobablybeamountebankaboutthe
country,swallowingasword-blade,andeatingthedevouringelement.ForanythingthatIcanperceivetothecontrary,itisstillprobablethatmychildrenmaybereducedtoseekalivelihoodbypersonalcontortion,whileMrs.Micawberabetstheirunnaturalfeatsbyplayingthebarrel-organ.'Mr.Micawber,witharandombutexpressiveflourishofhisknife,signifiedthattheseperformancesmightbeexpectedtotakeplaceafterhewasnomore;thenresumedhispeelingwithadesperateair.Myauntleanedherelbowonthelittleroundtablethatsheusuallykeptbesideher,andeyedhimattentively.NotwithstandingtheaversionwithwhichIregardedtheideaofentrappinghimintoanydisclosurehewasnotpreparedtomakevoluntarily,Ishouldhavetakenhimupatthispoint,butforthestrangeproceedingsinwhichIsawhimengaged;whereofhisputtingthelemon-peelintothekettle,thesugarintothesnuffer-tray,thespiritintotheemptyjug,andconfidentlyattemptingtopourboilingwateroutofacandlestick,wereamongthemostremarkable.Isawthatacrisiswasathand,anditcame.Heclatteredallhismeansandimplementstogether,rosefromhischair,pulledouthispocket-handkerchief,andburstintotears.
'MydearCopperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,behindhishandkerchief,'thisisanoccupation,ofallothers,requiringanuntroubledmind,andself-respect.Icannotperformit.Itisoutofthequestion.''Mr.Micawber,'saidI,'whatisthematter?Prayspeakout.Youareamongfriends.''Amongfriends,sir!'repeatedMr.Micawber;andallhehadreservedcamebreakingoutofhim.'Goodheavens,itisprincipallybecauseIAMamongfriendsthatmystateofmindiswhatitis.Whatisthematter,gentlemen?WhatisNOTthematter?Villainyisthematter;basenessisthematter;deception,fraud,conspiracy,arethematter;andthenameofthewholeatrociousmassis-HEEP!'MYauntclappedherhands,andweallstartedupasifwewerepossessed.'Thestruggleisover!'saidMr.Micawberviolentlygesticulatingwithhispocket-handkerchief,andfairlystrikingoutfromtimetotimewithbotharms,asifhewereswimmingundersuperhuman
difficulties.'Iwillleadthislifenolonger.Iamawretchedbeing,cutofffromeverythingthatmakeslifetolerable.IhavebeenunderaTaboointhatinfernalscoundrel'sservice.Givemebackmywife,givemebackmyfamily,substituteMicawberforthepettywretchwhowalksaboutinthebootsatpresentonmyfeet,andcalluponmetoswallowaswordtomorrow,andI'lldoit.Withanappetite!'Ineversawamansohotinmylife.Itriedtocalmhim,thatwemightcometosomethingrational;buthegothotterandhotter,andwouldn'thearaword.'I'llputmyhandinnoman'shand,'saidMr.Micawber,gasping,puffing,andsobbing,tothatdegreethathewaslikeamanfightingwithcoldwater,'untilIhave-blowntofragments-the-a-detestable-serpent-HEEP!I'llpartakeofnoone'shospitality,untilIhave-a-movedMountVesuvius-toeruption-on-a-theabandonedrascal-HEEP!Refreshment-a-underneaththisroof-particularlypunch-would-a-chokeme-unless-Ihad-previously-chokedtheeyes-outofthehead-a-of-interminablecheat,andliar-HEEP!I-a-I'llknownobody-and-a-saynothing-and-a-livenowhere-untilIhavecrushed-to-a-undiscoverableatoms-the-transcendent
andimmortalhypocriteandperjurer-HEEP!'IreallyhadsomefearofMr.Micawber'sdyingonthespot.Themannerinwhichhestruggledthroughtheseinarticulatesentences,and,wheneverhefoundhimselfgettingnearthenameofHeep,foughthiswayontoit,dashedatitinafaintingstate,andbroughtitoutwithavehemencelittlelessthanmarvellous,wasfrightful;butnow,whenhesankintoachair,steaming,andlookedatus,witheverypossiblecolourinhisfacethathadnobusinessthere,andanendlessprocessionoflumpsfollowingoneanotherinhothasteuphisthroat,whencetheyseemedtoshootintohisforehead,hehadtheappearanceofbeinginthelastextremity.Iwouldhavegonetohisassistance,buthewavedmeoff,andwouldn'thearaword.'No,Copperfield!-Nocommunication-a-until-MissWickfield-a-redressfromwrongsinflictedbyconsummatescoundrel-HEEP!'(Iamquiteconvincedhecouldnothaveutteredthreewords,butfortheamazingenergywithwhichthiswordinspiredhimwhenhefeltitcoming.)'Inviolablesecret-a-fromthewholeworld-a-noexceptions-thisdayweek-a-atbreakfast-time-a-everybodypresent-includingaunt-a-andextremelyfriendlygentleman-tobeatthehotelatCanterbury-a-where-Mrs.
Micawberandmyself-AuldLangSyneinchorus-and-a-willexposeintolerableruffian-HEEP!Nomoretosay-a-orlistentopersuasion-goimmediately-notcapable-a-bearsociety-uponthetrackofdevotedanddoomedtraitor-HEEP!'Withthislastrepetitionofthemagicwordthathadkepthimgoingatall,andinwhichhesurpassedallhispreviousefforts,Mr.Micawberrushedoutofthehouse;leavingusinastateofexcitement,hope,andwonder,thatreducedustoaconditionlittlebetterthanhisown.Buteventhenhispassionforwritingletterswastoostrongtoberesisted;forwhilewewereyetintheheightofourexcitement,hope,andwonder,thefollowingpastoralnotewasbroughttomefromaneighbouringtavern,atwhichhehadcalledtowriteit:-'Mostsecretandconfidential.'MYDEARSIR,'Ibegtobeallowedtoconvey,throughyou,myapologiestoyourexcellentauntformylateexcitement.Anexplosionofasmoulderingvolcanolongsuppressed,wastheresultofaninternalcontestmoreeasilyconceivedthandescribed.
'ItrustIrenderedtolerablyintelligiblemyappointmentforthemorningofthisdayweek,atthehouseofpublicentertainmentatCanterbury,whereMrs.Micawberandmyselfhadoncethehonourofunitingourvoicestoyours,inthewell-knownstrainoftheImmortalexcisemannurturedbeyondtheTweed.'Thedutydone,andactofreparationperformed,whichcanaloneenablemetocontemplatemyfellowmortal,Ishallbeknownnomore.Ishallsimplyrequiretobedepositedinthatplaceofuniversalresort,whereEachinhisnarrowcellforeverlaid,Therudeforefathersofthehamletsleep,'-WiththeplainInscription,'WILKINSMICAWBER.'CHAPTER50Mr.PEGGOTTY'SDREAMCOMESTRUE
Bythistime,somemonthshadpassedsinceourinterviewonthebankoftheriverwithMartha.Ihadneverseenhersince,butshehadcommunicatedwithMr.Peggottyonseveraloccasions.Nothinghadcomeofherzealousintervention;norcouldIinfer,fromwhathetoldme,thatanycluehadbeenobtained,foramoment,toEmily'sfate.IconfessthatIbegantodespairofherrecovery,andgraduallytosinkdeeperanddeeperintothebeliefthatshewasdead.Hisconvictionremainedunchanged.SofarasIknow-andIbelievehishonestheartwastransparenttome-heneverwaveredagain,inhissolemncertaintyoffindingher.Hispatiencenevertired.And,althoughItrembledfortheagonyitmightonedaybetohimtohavehisstrongassuranceshiveredatablow,therewassomethingsoreligiousinit,soaffectinglyexpressiveofitsanchorbeinginthepurestdepthsofhisfinenature,thattherespectandhonourinwhichIheldhimwereexaltedeveryday.Hiswasnotalazytrustfulnessthathoped,anddidnomore.Hehadbeenamanofsturdyactionallhislife,andheknewthatinallthingswhereinhewantedhelphemustdohisownpartfaithfully,andhelphimself.Ihaveknownhimsetoutinthenight,onamisgivingthatthelightmightnotbe,bysome
accident,inthewindowoftheoldboat,andwalktoYarmouth.Ihaveknownhim,onreadingsomethinginthenewspaperthatmightapplytoher,takeuphisstick,andgoforthonajourneyofthree-orfour-scoremiles.HemadehiswaybyseatoNaples,andback,afterhearingthenarrativetowhichMissDartlehadassistedme.Allhisjourneyswereruggedlyperformed;forhewasalwayssteadfastinapurposeofsavingmoneyforEmily'ssake,whensheshouldbefound.Inallthislongpursuit,Ineverheardhimrepine;Ineverheardhimsayhewasfatigued,oroutofheart.Dorahadoftenseenhimsinceourmarriage,andwasquitefondofhim.Ifancyhisfigurebeforemenow,standingnearhersofa,withhisroughcapinhishand,andtheblueeyesofmychild-wiferaised,withatimidwonder,tohisface.Sometimesofanevening,abouttwilight,whenhecametotalkwithme,Iwouldinducehimtosmokehispipeinthegarden,asweslowlypacedtoandfrotogether;andthen,thepictureofhisdesertedhome,andthecomfortableairitusedtohaveinmychildisheyesofaneveningwhenthefirewasburning,andthewindmoaningroundit,camemostvividlyintomymind.Oneevening,atthishour,hetoldmethathehadfoundMarthawaitingnearhislodgingontheprecedingnightwhenhecameout,
andthatshehadaskedhimnottoleaveLondononanyaccount,untilheshouldhaveseenheragain.'Didshetellyouwhy?'Iinquired.'Iaskedher,Mas'rDavy,'hereplied,'butitisbutfewwordsassheeversays,andsheon'ygotmypromiseandsowentaway.''Didshesaywhenyoumightexpecttoseeheragain?'Idemanded.'No,Mas'rDavy,'hereturned,drawinghishandthoughtfullydownhisface.'Iaskedthattoo;butitwasmore(shesaid)thanshecouldtell.'AsIhadlongforbornetoencouragehimwithhopesthathungonthreads,ImadenoothercommentonthisinformationthanthatIsupposedhewouldseehersoon.SuchspeculationsasitengenderedwithinmeIkepttomyself,andthosewerefaintenough.Iwaswalkingaloneinthegarden,oneevening,aboutafortnightafterwards.Irememberthateveningwell.ItwasthesecondinMr.Micawber'sweekofsuspense.Therehadbeenrainallday,andtherewasadampfeelingintheair.Theleaveswerethickupon
thetrees,andheavywithwet;buttherainhadceased,thoughtheskywasstilldark;andthehopefulbirdsweresingingcheerfully.AsIwalkedtoandfrointhegarden,andthetwilightbegantoclosearoundme,theirlittlevoiceswerehushed;andthatpeculiarsilencewhichbelongstosuchaneveninginthecountrywhenthelightesttreesarequitestill,savefortheoccasionaldroppingsfromtheirboughs,prevailed.Therewasalittlegreenperspectiveoftrellis-workandivyatthesideofourcottage,throughwhichIcouldsee,fromthegardenwhereIwaswalking,intotheroadbeforethehouse.Ihappenedtoturnmyeyestowardsthisplace,asIwasthinkingofmanythings;andIsawafigurebeyond,dressedinaplaincloak.Itwasbendingeagerlytowardsme,andbeckoning.'Martha!'saidI,goingtoit.'Canyoucomewithme?'sheinquired,inanagitatedwhisper.'Ihavebeentohim,andheisnotathome.Iwrotedownwherehewastocome,andleftitonhistablewithmyownhand.Theysaidhewouldnotbeoutlong.Ihavetidingsforhim.Canyoucomedirectly?'
Myanswerwas,topassoutatthegateimmediately.Shemadeahastygesturewithherhand,asiftoentreatmypatienceandmysilence,andturnedtowardsLondon,whence,asherdressbetokened,shehadcomeexpeditiouslyonfoot.Iaskedherifthatwerenotourdestination?OnhermotioningYes,withthesamehastygestureasbefore,Istoppedanemptycoachthatwascomingby,andwegotintoit.WhenIaskedherwherethecoachmanwastodrive,sheanswered,'AnywherenearGoldenSquare!Andquick!'-thenshrunkintoacorner,withonetremblinghandbeforeherface,andtheothermakingtheformergesture,asifshecouldnotbearavoice.Nowmuchdisturbed,anddazzledwithconflictinggleamsofhopeanddread,Ilookedatherforsomeexplanation.Butseeinghowstronglyshedesiredtoremainquiet,andfeelingthatitwasmyownnaturalinclinationtoo,atsuchatime,Ididnotattempttobreakthesilence.Weproceededwithoutawordbeingspoken.Sometimessheglancedoutofthewindow,asthoughshethoughtweweregoingslowly,thoughindeedweweregoingfast;butotherwiseremainedexactlyasatfirst.WealightedatoneoftheentrancestotheSquareshehad
mentioned,whereIdirectedthecoachtowait,notknowingbutthatwemighthavesomeoccasionforit.Shelaidherhandonmyarm,andhurriedmeontooneofthesombrestreets,ofwhichthereareseveralinthatpart,wherethehouseswereoncefairdwellingsintheoccupationofsinglefamilies,buthave,andhad,longdegeneratedintopoorlodgingsletoffinrooms.Enteringattheopendoorofoneofthese,andreleasingmyarm,shebeckonedmetofollowherupthecommonstaircase,whichwaslikeatributarychanneltothestreet.Thehouseswarmedwithinmates.Aswewentup,doorsofroomswereopenedandpeople'sheadsputout;andwepassedotherpeopleonthestairs,whowerecomingdown.Inglancingupfromtheoutside,beforeweentered,Ihadseenwomenandchildrenlollingatthewindowsoverflower-pots;andweseemedtohaveattractedtheircuriosity,forthesewereprincipallytheobserverswholookedoutoftheirdoors.Itwasabroadpanelledstaircase,withmassivebalustradesofsomedarkwood;cornicesabovethedoors,ornamentedwithcarvedfruitandflowers;andbroadseatsinthewindows.Butallthesetokensofpastgrandeurweremiserablydecayedanddirty;rot,damp,andage,hadweakenedtheflooring,whichinmanyplaceswasunsoundandevenunsafe.Someattemptshadbeenmade,Inoticed,toinfusenewbloodintothisdwindlingframe,by
repairingthecostlyoldwood-workhereandtherewithcommondeal;butitwaslikethemarriageofareducedoldnobletoaplebeianpauper,andeachpartytotheill-assortedunionshrunkawayfromtheother.Severalofthebackwindowsonthestaircasehadbeendarkenedorwhollyblockedup.Inthosethatremained,therewasscarcelyanyglass;and,throughthecrumblingframesbywhichthebadairseemedalwaystocomein,andnevertogoout,Isaw,throughotherglasslesswindows,intootherhousesinasimilarcondition,andlookedgiddilydownintoawretchedyard,whichwasthecommondust-heapofthemansion.Weproceededtothetop-storeyofthehouse.Twoorthreetimes,bytheway,IthoughtIobservedintheindistinctlighttheskirtsofafemalefiguregoingupbeforeus.Asweturnedtoascendthelastflightofstairsbetweenusandtheroof,wecaughtafullviewofthisfigurepausingforamoment,atadoor.Thenitturnedthehandle,andwentin.'What'sthis!'saidMartha,inawhisper.'Shehasgoneintomyroom.Idon'tknowher!'Iknewher.Ihadrecognizedherwithamazement,forMissDartle.
IsaidsomethingtotheeffectthatitwasaladywhomIhadseenbefore,inafewwords,tomyconductress;andhadscarcelydoneso,whenweheardhervoiceintheroom,thoughnot,fromwherewestood,whatshewassaying.Martha,withanastonishedlook,repeatedherformeraction,andsoftlyledmeupthestairs;andthen,byalittleback-doorwhichseemedtohavenolock,andwhichshepushedopenwithatouch,intoasmallemptygarretwithalowslopingroof,littlebetterthanacupboard.Betweenthis,andtheroomshehadcalledhers,therewasasmalldoorofcommunication,standingpartlyopen.Herewestopped,breathlesswithourascent,andsheplacedherhandlightlyonmylips.Icouldonlysee,oftheroombeyond,thatitwasprettylarge;thattherewasabedinit;andthatthereweresomecommonpicturesofshipsuponthewalls.IcouldnotseeMissDartle,orthepersonwhomwehadheardheraddress.Certainly,mycompanioncouldnot,formypositionwasthebest.Adeadsilenceprevailedforsomemoments.Marthakeptonehandonmylips,andraisedtheotherinalisteningattitude.'Itmatterslittletomehernotbeingathome,'saidRosaDartlehaughtily,'Iknownothingofher.ItisyouIcometosee.''Me?'repliedasoftvoice.
Atthesoundofit,athrillwentthroughmyframe.ForitwasEmily's!'Yes,'returnedMissDartle,'Ihavecometolookatyou.What?Youarenotashamedofthefacethathasdonesomuch?'Theresoluteandunrelentinghatredofhertone,itscoldsternsharpness,anditsmasteredrage,presentedherbeforeme,asifIhadseenherstandinginthelight.Isawtheflashingblackeyes,andthepassion-wastedfigure;andIsawthescar,withitswhitetrackcuttingthroughherlips,quiveringandthrobbingasshespoke.'Ihavecometosee,'shesaid,'JamesSteerforth'sfancy;thegirlwhoranawaywithhim,andisthetown-talkofthecommonestpeopleofhernativeplace;thebold,flaunting,practisedcompanionofpersonslikeJamesSteerforth.Iwanttoknowwhatsuchathingislike.'Therewasarustle,asiftheunhappygirl,onwhomsheheapedthesetaunts,rantowardsthedoor,andthespeakerswiftlyinterposedherselfbeforeit.Itwassucceededbyamoment's
pause.WhenMissDartlespokeagain,itwasthroughhersetteeth,andwithastampupontheground.'Staythere!'shesaid,'orI'llproclaimyoutothehouse,andthewholestreet!Ifyoutrytoevademe,I'llstopyou,ifit'sbythehair,andraisetheverystonesagainstyou!'Afrightenedmurmurwastheonlyreplythatreachedmyears.Asilencesucceeded.Ididnotknowwhattodo.MuchasIdesiredtoputanendtotheinterview,IfeltthatIhadnorighttopresentmyself;thatitwasforMr.Peggottyalonetoseeherandrecoverher.Wouldhenevercome?Ithoughtimpatiently.'So!'saidRosaDartle,withacontemptuouslaugh,'Iseeheratlast!Why,hewasapoorcreaturetobetakenbythatdelicatemock-modesty,andthathanginghead!''Oh,forHeaven'ssake,spareme!'exclaimedEmily.'Whoeveryouare,youknowmypitiablestory,andforHeaven'ssakespareme,ifyouwouldbesparedyourself!'
'IfIwouldbespared!'returnedtheotherfiercely;'whatisthereincommonbetweenUS,doyouthink!''Nothingbutoursex,'saidEmily,withaburstoftears.'Andthat,'saidRosaDartle,'issostrongaclaim,preferredbyonesoinfamous,thatifIhadanyfeelinginmybreastbutscornandabhorrenceofyou,itwouldfreezeitup.Oursex!Youareanhonourtooursex!''Ihavedeservedthis,'saidEmily,'butit'sdreadful!Dear,dearlady,thinkwhatIhavesuffered,andhowIamfallen!Oh,Martha,comeback!Oh,home,home!'MissDartleplacedherselfinachair,withinviewofthedoor,andlookeddownward,asifEmilywerecrouchingonthefloorbeforeher.Beingnowbetweenmeandthelight,Icouldseehercurledlip,andhercrueleyesintentlyfixedononeplace,withagreedytriumph.'ListentowhatIsay!'shesaid;'andreserveyourfalseartsforyourdupes.Doyouhopetomovemebyyourtears?Nomorethanyoucouldcharmmebyyoursmiles,youpurchasedslave.'
'Oh,havesomemercyonme!'criedEmily.'Showmesomecompassion,orIshalldiemad!''Itwouldbenogreatpenance,'saidRosaDartle,'foryourcrimes.Doyouknowwhatyouhavedone?Doyoueverthinkofthehomeyouhavelaidwaste?''Oh,isthereevernightorday,whenIdon'tthinkofit!'criedEmily;andnowIcouldjustseeher,onherknees,withherheadthrownback,herpalefacelookingupward,herhandswildlyclaspedandheldout,andherhairstreamingabouther.'Hasthereeverbeenasingleminute,wakingorsleeping,whenithasn'tbeenbeforeme,justasitusedtobeinthelostdayswhenIturnedmybackuponitforeverandforever!Oh,home,home!Ohdear,dearuncle,ifyouevercouldhaveknowntheagonyyourlovewouldcausemewhenIfellawayfromgood,youneverwouldhaveshownittomesoconstant,muchasyoufeltit;butwouldhavebeenangrytome,atleastonceinmylife,thatImighthavehadsomecomfort!Ihavenone,none,nocomfortuponearth,forallofthemwerealwaysfondofme!'Shedroppedonherface,beforetheimperiousfigureinthechair,withanimploringefforttoclasptheskirtofherdress.
RosaDartlesatlookingdownuponher,asinflexibleasafigureofbrass.Herlipsweretightlycompressed,asifsheknewthatshemustkeepastrongconstraintuponherself-IwritewhatIsincerelybelieve-orshewouldbetemptedtostrikethebeautifulformwithherfoot.Isawher,distinctly,andthewholepowerofherfaceandcharacterseemedforcedintothatexpression.-Wouldhenevercome?'Themiserablevanityoftheseearth-worms!'shesaid,whenshehadsofarcontrolledtheangryheavingsofherbreast,thatshecouldtrustherselftospeak.'YOURhome!DoyouimaginethatIbestowathoughtonit,orsupposeyoucoulddoanyharmtothatlowplace,whichmoneywouldnotpayfor,andhandsomely?YOURhome!Youwereapartofthetradeofyourhome,andwereboughtandsoldlikeanyothervendiblethingyourpeopledealtin.''Oh,notthat!'criedEmily.'Sayanythingofme;butdon'tvisitmydisgraceandshame,morethanIhavedone,onfolkswhoareashonourableasyou!Havesomerespectforthem,asyouarealady,ifyouhavenomercyforme.''Ispeak,'shesaid,notdeigningtotakeanyheedofthisappeal,
anddrawingawayherdressfromthecontaminationofEmily'stouch,'IspeakofHIShome-whereIlive.Here,'shesaid,stretchingoutherhandwithhercontemptuouslaugh,andlookingdownupontheprostrategirl,'isaworthycauseofdivisionbetweenlady-motherandgentleman-son;ofgriefinahousewhereshewouldn'thavebeenadmittedasakitchen-girl;ofanger,andrepining,andreproach.Thispieceofpollution,pickedupfromthewater-side,tobemademuchofforanhour,andthentossedbacktoheroriginalplace!''No!no!'criedEmily,claspingherhandstogether.'Whenhefirstcameintomyway-thatthedayhadneverdawneduponme,andhehadmetmebeingcarriedtomygrave!-Ihadbeenbroughtupasvirtuousasyouoranylady,andwasgoingtobethewifeofasgoodamanasyouoranyladyintheworldcanevermarry.Ifyouliveinhishomeandknowhim,youknow,perhaps,whathispowerwithaweak,vaingirlmightbe.Idon'tdefendmyself,butIknowwell,andheknowswell,orhewillknowwhenhecomestodie,andhismindistroubledwithit,thatheusedallhispowertodeceiveme,andthatIbelievedhim,trustedhim,andlovedhim!'RosaDartlesprangupfromherseat;recoiled;andinrecoilingstruckather,withafaceofsuchmalignity,sodarkenedanddisfiguredbypassion,thatIhadalmostthrownmyselfbetween
them.Theblow,whichhadnoaim,fellupontheair.Asshenowstoodpanting,lookingatherwiththeutmostdetestationthatshewascapableofexpressing,andtremblingfromheadtofootwithrageandscorn,IthoughtIhadneverseensuchasight,andnevercouldseesuchanother.'YOUlovehim?You?'shecried,withherclenchedhand,quiveringasifitonlywantedaweapontostabtheobjectofherwrath.Emilyhadshrunkoutofmyview.Therewasnoreply.'AndtellthattoME,'sheadded,'withyourshamefullips?Whydon'ttheywhipthesecreatures?IfIcouldorderittobedone,Iwouldhavethisgirlwhippedtodeath.'Andsoshewould,Ihavenodoubt.Iwouldnothavetrustedherwiththerackitself,whilethatfuriouslooklasted.Sheslowly,veryslowly,brokeintoalaugh,andpointedatEmilywithherhand,asifshewereasightofshameforgodsandmen.'SHElove!'shesaid.'THATcarrion!Andheevercaredforher,she'dtellme.Ha,ha!Theliarsthatthesetradersare!'
Hermockerywasworsethanherundisguisedrage.Ofthetwo,Iwouldhavemuchpreferredtobetheobjectofthelatter.But,whenshesufferedittobreakloose,itwasonlyforamoment.Shehadchaineditupagain,andhoweveritmighttearherwithin,shesubduedittoherself.'Icamehere,youpurefountainoflove,'shesaid,'tosee-asIbeganbytellingyou-whatsuchathingasyouwaslike.Iwascurious.Iamsatisfied.Alsototellyou,thatyouhadbestseekthathomeofyours,withallspeed,andhideyourheadamongthoseexcellentpeoplewhoareexpectingyou,andwhomyourmoneywillconsole.Whenit'sallgone,youcanbelieve,andtrust,andloveagain,youknow!Ithoughtyouabrokentoythathadlasteditstime;aworthlessspanglethatwastarnished,andthrownaway.But,findingyoutruegold,averylady,andanill-usedinnocent,withafreshheartfullofloveandtrustfulness-whichyoulooklike,andisquiteconsistentwithyourstory!-Ihavesomethingmoretosay.Attendtoit;forwhatIsayI'lldo.Doyouhearme,youfairyspirit?WhatIsay,Imeantodo!'Herragegotthebetterofheragain,foramoment;butitpassedoverherfacelikeaspasm,andlefthersmiling.
'Hideyourself,'shepursued,'ifnotathome,somewhere.Letitbesomewherebeyondreach;insomeobscurelife-or,betterstill,insomeobscuredeath.Iwonder,ifyourlovingheartwillnotbreak,youhavefoundnowayofhelpingittobestill!Ihaveheardofsuchmeanssometimes.Ibelievetheymaybeeasilyfound.'Alowcrying,onthepartofEmily,interruptedherhere.Shestopped,andlistenedtoitasifitweremusic.'Iamofastrangenature,perhaps,'RosaDartlewenton;'butIcan'tbreathefreelyintheairyoubreathe.Ifinditsickly.Therefore,Iwillhaveitcleared;Iwillhaveitpurifiedofyou.Ifyouliveheretomorrow,I'llhaveyourstoryandyourcharacterproclaimedonthecommonstair.Therearedecentwomeninthehouse,Iamtold;anditisapitysuchalightasyoushouldbeamongthem,andconcealed.If,leavinghere,youseekanyrefugeinthistowninanycharacterbutyourtrueone(whichyouarewelcometobear,withoutmolestationfromme),thesameserviceshallbedoneyou,ifIhearofyourretreat.Beingassistedbyagentlemanwhonotlongagoaspiredtothefavourofyourhand,Iamsanguineastothat.'
Wouldhenever,nevercome?HowlongwasItobearthis?HowlongcouldIbearit?'Ohme,ohme!'exclaimedthewretchedEmily,inatonethatmighthavetouchedthehardestheart,Ishouldhavethought;buttherewasnorelentinginRosaDartle'ssmile.'What,what,shallIdo!''Do?'returnedtheother.'Livehappyinyourownreflections!ConsecrateyourexistencetotherecollectionofJamesSteerforth'stenderness-hewouldhavemadeyouhisserving-man'swife,wouldhenot?-ortofeelinggratefultotheuprightanddeservingcreaturewhowouldhavetakenyouashisgift.Or,ifthoseproudremembrances,andtheconsciousnessofyourownvirtues,andthehonourablepositiontowhichtheyhaveraisedyouintheeyesofeverythingthatwearsthehumanshape,willnotsustainyou,marrythatgoodman,andbehappyinhiscondescension.Ifthiswillnotdoeither,die!Therearedoorwaysanddust-heapsforsuchdeaths,andsuchdespair-findone,andtakeyourflighttoHeaven!'Iheardadistantfootuponthestairs.Iknewit,Iwascertain.Itwashis,thankGod!Shemovedslowlyfrombeforethedoorwhenshesaidthis,andpassedoutofmysight.
'Butmark!'sheadded,slowlyandsternly,openingtheotherdoortogoaway,'Iamresolved,forreasonsthatIhaveandhatredsthatIentertain,tocastyouout,unlessyouwithdrawfrommyreachaltogether,ordropyourprettymask.ThisiswhatIhadtosay;andwhatIsay,Imeantodo!'Thefootuponthestairscamenearer-nearer-passedherasshewentdown-rushedintotheroom!'Uncle!'Afearfulcryfollowedtheword.Ipausedamoment,andlookingin,sawhimsupportingherinsensiblefigureinhisarms.Hegazedforafewsecondsintheface;thenstoopedtokissit-oh,howtenderly!-anddrewahandkerchiefbeforeit.'Mas'rDavy,'hesaid,inalowtremulousvoice,whenitwascovered,'IthankmyHeav'nlyFatherasmydream'scometrue!IthankHimheartyforhavingguidedofme,inHisownways,tomydarling!'Withthosewordshetookherupinhisarms;and,withtheveiled
facelyingonhisbosom,andaddressedtowardshisown,carriedher,motionlessandunconscious,downthestairs.CHAPTER51THEBEGINNINGOFALONGERJOURNEYItwasyetearlyinthemorningofthefollowingday,when,asIwaswalkinginmygardenwithmyaunt(whotooklittleotherexercisenow,beingsomuchinattendanceonmydearDora),IwastoldthatMr.Peggottydesiredtospeakwithme.Hecameintothegardentomeetmehalf-way,onmygoingtowardsthegate;andbaredhishead,asitwasalwayshiscustomtodowhenhesawmyaunt,forwhomhehadahighrespect.Ihadbeentellingherallthathadhappenedovernight.Withoutsayingaword,shewalkedupwithacordialface,shookhandswithhim,andpattedhimonthearm.Itwassoexpressivelydone,thatshehadnoneedtosayaword.Mr.Peggottyunderstoodherquiteaswellasifshehadsaidathousand.'I'llgoinnow,Trot,'saidmyaunt,'andlookafterLittleBlossom,whowillbegettinguppresently.'
'Notalongofmybeingheer,ma'am,Ihope?'saidMr.Peggotty.'Unlessmywitsisgoneabahd'sneezing'-bywhichMr.Peggottymeanttosay,bird's-nesting-'thismorning,'tisalongofmeasyou'rea-goingtoquitus?''Youhavesomethingtosay,mygoodfriend,'returnedmyaunt,'andwilldobetterwithoutme.''Byyourleave,ma'am,'returnedMr.Peggotty,'Ishouldtakeitkind,pervisingyoudoen'tmindmyclicketten,ifyou'dbideheer.''Wouldyou?'saidmyaunt,withshortgood-nature.'ThenIamsureIwill!'So,shedrewherarmthroughMr.Peggotty's,andwalkedwithhimtoaleafylittlesummer-housetherewasatthebottomofthegarden,whereshesatdownonabench,andIbesideher.TherewasaseatforMr.Peggottytoo,buthepreferredtostand,leaninghishandonthesmallrustictable.Ashestood,lookingathiscapforalittlewhilebeforebeginningtospeak,Icouldnothelpobservingwhatpowerandforceofcharacterhissinewyhandexpressed,andwhatagoodandtrustycompanionitwastohishonestbrowandiron-greyhair.
'Itookmydearchildawaylastnight,'Mr.Peggottybegan,asheraisedhiseyestoours,'tomylodging,wheerIhavealongtimebeenexpectingofherandpreparingfurher.Itwashoursaforesheknowedmeright;andwhenshedid,shekneeleddownatmyfeet,andkiendersaidtome,asifitwasherprayers,howitallcometobe.Youmaybelieveme,whenIheerdhervoice,asIhadheerdathomesoplayful-andseeherhumbled,asitmightbeinthedustourSaviourwroteinwithhisblessedhand-Ifeltawowndgotomy'art,inthemidstofallitsthankfulness.'Hedrewhissleeveacrosshisface,withoutanypretenceofconcealingwhy;andthenclearedhisvoice.'Itwarn'tforlongasIfeltthat;forshewasfound.Ihadon'ytothinkasshewasfound,anditwasgone.Idoen'tknowwhyIdosomuchasmentionofitnow,I'msure.Ididn'thaveitinmymindaminuteago,tosayawordaboutmyself;butitcomeupsonat'ral,thatIyieldedtoitaforeIwasaweer.''Youareaself-denyingsoul,'saidmyaunt,'andwillhaveyourreward.'
Mr.Peggotty,withtheshadowsoftheleavesplayingathwarthisface,madeasurprisedinclinationoftheheadtowardsmyaunt,asanacknowledgementofhergoodopinion;thentookupthethreadhehadrelinquished.'WhenmyEm'lytookflight,'hesaid,insternwrathforthemoment,'fromthehousewheershewasmadeaprisonerbythattheerspottedsnakeasMas'rDavysee,-andhisstory'strew,andmayGODconfoundhim!-shetookflightinthenight.Itwasadarknight,withamanystarsa-shining.Shewaswild.Sheranalongtheseabeach,believingtheoldboatwastheer;andcallingouttoustoturnawayourfaces,forshewasa-comingby.Sheheerdherselfa-cryingout,likeasifitwasanotherperson;andcutherselfonthemsharp-pintedstonesandrocks,andfeltitnomorethanifshehadbeenrockherself.Eversofursherun,andtherewasfireaforehereyes,androaringsinherears.Ofasudden-orsoshethowt,youunnerstand-thedaybroke,wetandwindy,andshewaslyingb'lowaheapofstoneupontheshore,andawomanwasa-speakingtoher,saying,inthelanguageofthatcountry,whatwasitashadgonesomuchamiss?'Hesaweverythingherelated.Itpassedbeforehim,ashespoke,sovividly,that,intheintensityofhisearnestness,hepresented
whathedescribedtome,withgreaterdistinctnessthanIcanexpress.Icanhardlybelieve,writingnowlongafterwards,butthatIwasactuallypresentinthesescenes;theyareimpresseduponmewithsuchanastonishingairoffidelity.'AsEm'ly'seyes-whichwasheavy-seethiswomanbetter,'Mr.Peggottywenton,'sheknow'dasshewasoneofthemasshehadoftentalkedtoonthebeach.Fur,thoughshehadrun(asIhavesaid)eversofurinthenight,shehadoftentimeswanderedlongways,partlyafoot,partlyinboatsandcarriages,andknow'dallthatcountry,'longthecoast,milesandmiles.Shehadn'tnochildrenofherown,thiswoman,beingayoungwife;butshewasa-lookingtohaveoneaforelong.AndmaymyprayersgouptoHeaventhat'twillbeahappinesstoher,andacomfort,andahonour,allherlife!Mayitloveherandbedootifultoher,inheroldage;helpfulofheratthelast;aAngeltoherheer,andheerafter!''Amen!'saidmyaunt.'Shehadbeensummattimorousanddown,'saidMr.Peggotty,andhadsat,atfirst,alittlewayoff,atherspinning,orsuchworkasitwas,whenEm'lytalkedtothechildren.ButEm'lyhadtooknoticeofher,andhadgoneandspoketoher;andastheyoung
womanwaspartialtothechildrenherself,theyhadsoonmadefriends.Sermuchser,thatwhenEm'lywentthatway,shealwaysgivEm'lyflowers.Thiswasherasnowaskedwhatitwasthathadgonesomuchamiss.Em'lytoldher,andshe-tookherhome.Shedidindeed.Shetookherhome,'saidMr.Peggotty,coveringhisface.Hewasmoreaffectedbythisactofkindness,thanIhadeverseenhimaffectedbyanythingsincethenightshewentaway.MyauntandIdidnotattempttodisturbhim.'Itwasalittlecottage,youmaysuppose,'hesaid,presently,'butshefoundspaceforEm'lyinit,-herhusbandwasawayatsea,-andshekepitsecret,andprevaileduponsuchneighboursasshehad(theywasnotmanynear)tokeepitsecrettoo.Em'lywastookbadwithfever,and,whatisverystrangetomeis,-maybe'tisnotsostrangetoscholars,-thelanguageofthatcountrywentoutofherhead,andshecouldonlyspeakherown,thatnooneunnerstood.Sherecollects,asifshehaddreamedit,thatshelaytherealwaysa-talkingherowntongue,alwaysbelievingastheoldboatwasroundthenextpintinthebay,andbeggingandimploringof'emtosendtheerandtellhowshewasdying,andbringbackamessageofforgiveness,ifitwason'yawured.A'mostthewholetime,shethowt,-now,thathimasImadementiononjustnowwas
lurkingforherunnerneaththewinder;nowthathimashadbroughthertothiswasintheroom,-andcriedtothegoodyoungwomannottogiveherup,andknow'd,atthesametime,thatshecouldn'tunnerstand,anddreadedthatshemustbetookaway.Likewisethefirewasaforehereyes,andtheroaringsinherears;andtheerwasnotoday,noryesterday,noryettomorrow;buteverythinginherlifeaseverhadbeen,orasevercouldbe,andeverythingasneverhadbeen,andasnevercouldbe,wasacrowdingonherallatonce,andnothingclearnorwelcome,andyetshesangandlaughedaboutit!Howlongthislasted,Idoen'tknow;butthentheercomeasleep;andinthatsleep,frombeingamanytimesstrongerthanherownself,shefellintotheweaknessofthelittlestchild.'Herehestopped,asifforrelieffromtheterrorsofhisowndescription.Afterbeingsilentforafewmoments,hepursuedhisstory.'Itwasapleasantarternoonwhensheawoke;andsoquiet,thattherewarn'tasoundbuttheripplingofthatblueseawithoutatide,upontheshore.Itwasherbelief,atfirst,thatshewasathomeuponaSundaymorning;butthevineleavesassheseeatthewinder,andthehillsbeyond,warn'thome,andcontradictedofher.Then,comeinherfriendtowatchalongsideofherbed;andthen
sheknow'dastheoldboatwarn'troundthatnextpintinthebaynomore,butwasfuroff;andknow'dwhereshewas,andwhy;andbrokeouta-cryingonthatgoodyoungwoman'sbosom,wheerIhopeherbabyisa-lyingnow,a-cheeringofherwithitsprettyeyes!'HecouldnotspeakofthisgoodfriendofEmily'swithoutaflowoftears.Itwasinvaintotry.Hebrokedownagain,endeavouringtoblessher!'ThatdonemyEm'lygood,'heresumed,aftersuchemotionasIcouldnotbeholdwithoutsharingin;andastomyaunt,sheweptwithallherheart;'thatdoneEm'lygood,andshebeguntomend.But,thelanguageofthatcountrywasquitegonefromher,andshewasforcedtomakesigns.Soshewenton,gettingbetterfromdaytoday,slow,butsure,andtryingtolearnthenamesofcommonthings-namesassheseemednevertohaveheerdinallherlife-tilloneeveningcome,whenshewasa-settingatherwindow,lookingatalittlegirlatplayuponthebeach.Andofasuddenthischildheldoutherhand,andsaid,whatwouldbeinEnglish,"Fisherman'sdaughter,here'sashell!"-foryouaretounnerstandthattheyusedatfirsttocallher"Prettylady",asthegeneralwayinthatcountryis,andthatshehadtaught'emtocallher"Fisherman'sdaughter"instead.Thechildsaysofasudden,
"Fisherman'sdaughter,here'sashell!"ThenEm'lyunnerstandsher;andsheanswers,burstingouta-crying;anditallcomesback!'WhenEm'lygotstrongagain,'saidMr.Peggotty,afteranothershortintervalofsilence,'shecastabouttoleavethatgoodyoungcreetur,andgettoherowncountry.Thehusbandwascomehome,then;andthetwotogetherputheraboardasmalltraderboundtoLeghorn,andfromthattoFrance.Shehadalittlemoney,butitwaslessthanlittleastheywouldtakeforalltheydone.I'ma'mostgladonit,thoughtheywassopoor!Whattheydone,islaidupwheerneithermothorrustdothcorrupt,andwheerthievesdonotbreakthroughnorsteal.Mas'rDavy,it'lloutlastallthetreasureinthewureld.'Em'lygottoFrance,andtookservicetowaitontravellingladiesatainnintheport.Theer,theercome,oneday,thatsnake.-Lethimnevercomenighme.Idoen'tknowwhathurtImightdohim!-Soonassheseehim,withouthimseeingher,allherfearandwildnessreturneduponher,andshefledaforetheverybreathhedraw'd.ShecometoEngland,andwassetashoreatDover.'Idoen'tknow,"saidMr.Peggotty,'forsure,whenher'artbeguntofailher;butallthewaytoEnglandshehadthowttocometo
herdearhome.SoonasshegottoEnglandsheturnedherfacetow'rdsit.But,fearofnotbeingforgiv,fearofbeingpintedat,fearofsomeofusbeingdeadalongofher,fearofmanythings,turnedherfromit,kienderbyforce,upontheroad:"Uncle,uncle,"shesaystome,"thefearofnotbeingworthytodowhatmytornandbleedingbreastsolongedtodo,wasthemostfright'ningfearofall!Iturnedback,whenmy'artwasfullofprayersthatImightcrawltotheolddoor-step,inthenight,kissit,laymywickedfaceuponit,andtheerbefounddeadinthemorning."'Shecome,'saidMr.Peggotty,droppinghisvoicetoanawe-strickenwhisper,'toLondon.She-ashadneverseenitinherlife-alone-withoutapenny-young-sopretty-cometoLondon.A'mostthemomentasshelightedheer,allsodesolate,shefound(asshebelieved)afriend;adecentwomanasspoketoherabouttheneedle-workasshehadbeenbroughtuptodo,aboutfindingplentyofitfurher,aboutalodgingfurthenight,andmakingsecretinquirationconcerningofmeandallathome,tomorrow.Whenmychild,'hesaidaloud,andwithanenergyofgratitudethatshookhimfromheadtofoot,'stooduponthebrinkofmorethanIcansayorthinkon-Martha,trewtoherpromise,savedher.'
Icouldnotrepressacryofjoy.'Mas'rDavy!'saidhe,grippingmyhandinthatstronghandofhis,'itwasyouasfirstmadementionofhertome.Ithankee,sir!Shewasarnest.Shehadknow'dofherbitterknowledgewheertowatchandwhattodo.Shehaddoneit.AndtheLordwasaboveall!Shecome,whiteandhurried,uponEm'lyinhersleep.Shesaystoher,"Riseupfromworsethandeath,andcomewithme!"Thembelongingtothehousewouldhavestoppedher,buttheymightassoonhavestoppedthesea."Standawayfromme,"shesays,"Iamaghostthatcallsherfrombesideheropengrave!"ShetoldEm'lyshehadseenme,andknow'dIlovedher,andforgiveher.Shewrappedher,hasty,inherclothes.Shetookher,faintandtrembling,onherarm.Sheheedednomorewhattheysaid,thanifshehadhadnoears.Shewalkedamong'emwithmychild,mindingonlyher;andbroughthersafeout,inthedeadofthenight,fromthatblackpitofruin!'SheattendedonEm'ly,'saidMr.Peggotty,whohadreleasedmyhand,andputhisownhandonhisheavingchest;'sheattendedtomyEm'ly,lyingweariedout,andwanderingbetwixtwhiles,tilllatenextday.Thenshewentinsearchofme;theninsearchof
you,Mas'rDavy.Shedidn'ttellEm'lywhatshecomeoutfur,lesther'artshouldfail,andsheshouldthinkofhidingofherself.Howthecruelladyknow'dofherbeingtheer,Ican'tsay.WhetherhimasIhavespokesomuchof,chancedtosee'emgoingtheer,orwhether(whichismostlike,tomythinking)hehadheerditfromthewoman,Idoen'tgreatlyaskmyself.Mynieceisfound.'Allnightlong,'saidMr.Peggotty,'wehavebeentogether,Em'lyandme.'Tislittle(consideringthetime)asshehassaid,inwureds,throughthembroken-heartedtears;'tislessasIhaveseenofherdearface,asgrow'dintoawoman'satmyhearth.But,allnightlong,herarmshasbeenaboutmyneck;andherheadhaslaidheer;andweknowsfullwell,aswecanputourtrustinoneanother,evermore.'Heceasedtospeak,andhishanduponthetablerestedthereinperfectrepose,witharesolutioninitthatmighthaveconqueredlions.'Itwasagleamoflightuponme,Trot,'saidmyaunt,dryinghereyes,'whenIformedtheresolutionofbeinggodmothertoyoursisterBetseyTrotwood,whodisappointedme;but,nexttothat,hardlyanythingwouldhavegivenmegreaterpleasure,thantobe
godmothertothatgoodyoungcreature'sbaby!'Mr.Peggottynoddedhisunderstandingofmyaunt'sfeelings,butcouldnottrusthimselfwithanyverbalreferencetothesubjectofhercommendation.Weallremainedsilent,andoccupiedwithourownreflections(myauntdryinghereyes,andnowsobbingconvulsively,andnowlaughingandcallingherselfafool);untilIspoke.'Youhavequitemadeupyourmind,'saidItoMr.Peggotty,'astothefuture,goodfriend?Ineedscarcelyaskyou.''Quite,Mas'rDavy,'hereturned;'andtoldEm'ly.Theer'smightycountries,furfromheer.Ourfuturelifelaysoverthesea.''Theywillemigratetogether,aunt,'saidI.'Yes!'saidMr.Peggotty,withahopefulsmile.'Noonecan'treproachmydarlinginAustralia.Wewillbeginanewlifeovertheer!'Iaskedhimifheyetproposedtohimselfanytimeforgoingaway.
'IwasdownattheDocksearlythismorning,sir,'hereturned,'togetinformationconcerningofthemships.Inaboutsixweeksortwomonthsfromnow,there'llbeonesailing-Iseeherthismorning-wentaboard-andweshalltakeourpassageinher.''Quitealone?'Iasked.'Aye,Mas'rDavy!'hereturned.'Mysister,yousee,she'sthatfondofyouandyourn,andthataccustomedtothinkon'yofherowncountry,thatitwouldn'tbehardlyfairtolethergo.Besideswhich,theer'soneshehasincharge,Mas'rDavy,asdoen'toughttobeforgot.''PoorHam!'saidI.'Mygoodsistertakescareofhishouse,yousee,ma'am,andhetakeskindlytoher,'Mr.Peggottyexplainedformyaunt'sbetterinformation.'He'llsetandtalktoher,withacalmspirit,wenit'slikehecouldn'tbringhimselftoopenhislipstoanother.Poorfellow!'saidMr.Peggotty,shakinghishead,'theer'snotsomuchlefthim,thathecouldsparethelittleashehas!''AndMrs.Gummidge?'saidI.
'Well,I'vehadamortofconsideration,Idotellyou,'returnedMr.Peggotty,withaperplexedlookwhichgraduallyclearedashewenton,'concerningofMissisGummidge.Yousee,wenMissisGummidgefallsa-thinkingoftheold'un,shean'twhatyoumaycallgoodcompany.Betwixtyouandme,Mas'rDavy-andyou,ma'am-wenMrs.Gummidgetakestowimicking,'-ouroldcountrywordforcrying,-'she'sliabletobeconsideredtobe,bythemasdidn'tknowtheold'un,peevish-like.NowIDIDknowtheold'un,'saidMr.Peggotty,'andIknow'dhismerits,soIunnerstan'her;but'tan'tentirelyso,yousee,withothers-nat'rallycan'tbe!'MyauntandIbothacquiesced.'Wheerby,'saidMr.Peggotty,'mysistermight-Idoen'tsayshewould,butmight-findMissisGummidgegiveheraleetletroublenow-and-again.Theerfur'tan'tmyintentionstomoorMissisGummidge'longwiththem,buttofindaBeein'furherwheershecanfisherateforherself.'(ABeein'signifies,inthatdialect,ahome,andtofisherateistoprovide.)'Furwhichpurpose,'saidMr.Peggotty,'Imeanstomakehera'lowanceaforeIgo,as'llleaveherprettycomfort'ble.She'sthefaithfullestofcreeturs.'Tan'ttobeexpected,ofcourse,athertimeoflife,andbeing
loneandlorn,asthegoodoldMawtheristobeknockedaboutaboardship,andinthewoodsandwildsofanewandfur-awaycountry.Sothat'swhatI'ma-goingtodowithher.'Heforgotnobody.Hethoughtofeverybody'sclaimsandstrivings,buthisown.'Em'ly,'hecontinued,'willkeepalongwithme-poorchild,she'ssoreinneedofpeaceandrest!-untilsuchtimeaswegoesuponourvoyage.She'llworkatthemclothes,asmustbemade;andIhopehertroubleswillbegintoseemlongeragothantheywas,wenshefindsherselfoncemorebyherroughbutlovinguncle.'MYauntnoddedconfirmationofthishope,andimpartedgreatsatisfactiontoMr.Peggotty.'Theer'sonethingfurder,Mas'rDavy,'saidhe,puttinghishandinhisbreast-pocket,andgravelytakingoutthelittlepaperbundleIhadseenbefore,whichheunrolledonthetable.'Theer'stheseherebanknotes-fiftypound,andten.TothemIwishtoaddthemoneyasshecomeawaywith.I'veaskedheraboutthat(butnotsayingwhy),andhaveaddedofitup.Ian'tascholar.Wouldyoubesokindasseehow'tis?'
Hehandedme,apologeticallyforhisscholarship,apieceofpaper,andobservedmewhileIlookeditover.Itwasquiteright.'Thankee,sir,'hesaid,takingitback.'Thismoney,ifyoudoen'tseeobjections,Mas'rDavy,IshallputupjestaforeIgo,inacoverdirectedtohim;andputthatupinanother,directedtohismother.Ishalltellher,innomorewuredsthanIspeaktoyou,whatit'sthepriceon;andthatI'mgone,andpastreceivingofitback.'ItoldhimthatIthoughtitwouldberighttodoso-thatIwasthoroughlyconvinceditwouldbe,sincehefeltittoberight.'Isaidthattheerwason'yonethingfurder,'heproceededwithagravesmile,whenhehadmadeuphislittlebundleagain,andputitinhispocket;'buttheerwastwo.Iwarn'tsureinmymind,wenIcomeoutthismorning,asIcouldgoandbreaktoHam,ofmyownself,whathadsothankfullyhappened.SoIwritaletterwhileIwasout,andputitinthepost-office,tellingof'emhowallwasas'tis;andthatIshouldcomedowntomorrowtounloadmymindofwhatlittleneedsa-doingofdowntheer,and,most-like,takemyfarewellleaveofYarmouth.'
'Anddoyouwishmetogowithyou?'saidI,seeingthatheleftsomethingunsaid.'Ifyoucoulddomethatkindfavour,Mas'rDavy,'hereplied.'Iknowthesightonyouwouldcheer'emupabit.'MylittleDorabeingingoodspirits,andverydesirousthatIshouldgo-asIfoundontalkingitoverwithher-Ireadilypledgedmyselftoaccompanyhiminaccordancewithhiswish.Nextmorning,consequently,wewereontheYarmouthcoach,andagaintravellingovertheoldground.Aswepassedalongthefamiliarstreetatnight-Mr.Peggotty,indespiteofallmyremonstrances,carryingmybag-IglancedintoOmerandJoram'sshop,andsawmyoldfriendMr.Omerthere,smokinghispipe.Ifeltreluctanttobepresent,whenMr.PeggottyfirstmethissisterandHam;andmadeMr.Omermyexcuseforlingeringbehind.'HowisMr.Omer,afterthislongtime?'saidI,goingin.Hefannedawaythesmokeofhispipe,thathemightgetabetter
viewofme,andsoonrecognizedmewithgreatdelight.'Ishouldgetup,sir,toacknowledgesuchanhonourasthisvisit,'saidhe,'onlymylimbsareratheroutofsorts,andIamwheeledabout.Withtheexceptionofmylimbsandmybreath,howsoever,Iamasheartyasamancanbe,I'mthankfultosay.'Icongratulatedhimonhiscontentedlooksandhisgoodspirits,andsaw,now,thathiseasy-chairwentonwheels.'It'saningeniousthing,ain'tit?'heinquired,followingthedirectionofmyglance,andpolishingtheelbowwithhisarm.'Itrunsaslightasafeather,andtracksastrueasamail-coach.Blessyou,mylittleMinnie-mygrand-daughteryouknow,Minnie'schild-putsherlittlestrengthagainsttheback,givesitashove,andawaywego,ascleverandmerryaseveryouseeanything!AndItellyouwhat-it'samostuncommonchairtosmokeapipein.'Ineversawsuchagoodoldfellowtomakethebestofathing,andfindouttheenjoymentofit,asMr.Omer.Hewasasradiant,asifhischair,hisasthma,andthefailureofhislimbs,werethevariousbranchesofagreatinventionforenhancingtheluxuryof
apipe.'Iseemoreoftheworld,Icanassureyou,'saidMr.Omer,'inthischair,thaneverIseeoutofit.You'dbesurprisedatthenumberofpeoplethatlooksinofadaytohaveachat.Youreallywould!There'stwiceasmuchinthenewspaper,sinceI'vetakentothischair,asthereusedtobe.Astogeneralreading,dearme,whatalotofitIdogetthrough!That'swhatIfeelsostrong,youknow!Ifithadbeenmyeyes,whatshouldIhavedone?Ifithadbeenmyears,whatshouldIhavedone?Beingmylimbs,whatdoesitsignify?Why,mylimbsonlymademybreathshorterwhenIused'em.Andnow,ifIwanttogooutintothestreetordowntothesands,I'veonlygottocallDick,Joram'syoungest'prentice,andawayIgoinmyowncarriage,liketheLordMayorofLondon.'Hehalfsuffocatedhimselfwithlaughinghere.'Lordblessyou!'saidMr.Omer,resuminghispipe,'amanmusttakethefatwiththelean;that'swhathemustmakeuphismindto,inthislife.Joramdoesafinebusiness.Ex-cellentbusiness!''Iamverygladtohearit,'saidI.
'Iknewyouwouldbe,'saidMr.Omer.'AndJoramandMinniearelikeValentines.Whatmorecanamanexpect?What'shislimbstothat!'Hissupremecontemptforhisownlimbs,ashesatsmoking,wasoneofthepleasantestodditiesIhaveeverencountered.'AndsinceI'vetooktogeneralreading,you'vetooktogeneralwriting,eh,sir?'saidMr.Omer,surveyingmeadmiringly.'Whatalovelyworkthatwasofyours!Whatexpressionsinit!Ireaditeveryword-everyword.Andastofeelingsleepy!Notatall!'Ilaughinglyexpressedmysatisfaction,butImustconfessthatIthoughtthisassociationofideassignificant.'Igiveyoumywordandhonour,sir,'saidMr.Omer,'thatwhenIlaythatbookuponthetable,andlookatitoutside;compactinthreeseparateandindiwidualwollumes-one,two,three;IamasproudasPunchtothinkthatIoncehadthehonourofbeingconnectedwithyourfamily.Anddearme,it'salongtimeago,now,ain'tit?OveratBlunderstone.Withaprettylittlepartylaidalongwiththeotherparty.Andyouquiteasmallpartythen,
yourself.Dear,dear!'IchangedthesubjectbyreferringtoEmily.AfterassuringhimthatIdidnotforgethowinterestedhehadalwaysbeeninher,andhowkindlyhehadalwaystreatedher,IgavehimageneralaccountofherrestorationtoherunclebytheaidofMartha;whichIknewwouldpleasetheoldman.Helistenedwiththeutmostattention,andsaid,feelingly,whenIhaddone:'Iamrejoicedatit,sir!It'sthebestnewsIhaveheardformanyaday.Dear,dear,dear!Andwhat'sgoingtobeundertookforthatunfortunateyoungwoman,Martha,now?''Youtouchapointthatmythoughtshavebeendwellingonsinceyesterday,'saidI,'butonwhichIcangiveyounoinformationyet,Mr.Omer.Mr.Peggottyhasnotalludedtoit,andIhaveadelicacyindoingso.Iamsurehehasnotforgottenit.Heforgetsnothingthatisdisinterestedandgood.''Becauseyouknow,'saidMr.Omer,takinghimselfup,wherehehadleftoff,'whateverisdone,Ishouldwishtobeamemberof.Putmedownforanythingyoumayconsiderright,andletmeknow.Inevercouldthinkthegirlallbad,andIamgladtofindshe's
not.SowillmydaughterMinniebe.Youngwomenarecontradictorycreaturesinsomethings-hermotherwasjustthesameasher-buttheirheartsaresoftandkind.It'sallshowwithMinnie,aboutMartha.Whysheshouldconsideritnecessarytomakeanyshow,Idon'tundertaketotellyou.Butit'sallshow,blessyou.She'ddoheranykindnessinprivate.So,putmedownforwhateveryoumayconsiderright,willyoubesogood?anddropmealinewheretoforwardit.Dearme!'saidMr.Omer,'whenamanisdrawingontoatimeoflife,wherethetwoendsoflifemeet;whenhefindshimself,howeverheartyheis,beingwheeledaboutforthesecondtime,inaspeechesofgo-cart;heshouldbeover-rejoicedtodoakindnessifhecan.Hewantsplenty.AndIdon'tspeakofmyself,particular,'saidMr.Omer,'because,sir,thewayIlookatitis,thatwearealldrawingontothebottomofthehill,whateverageweare,onaccountoftimeneverstandingstillforasinglemoment.Soletusalwaysdoakindness,andbeover-rejoiced.Tobesure!'Heknockedtheashesoutofhispipe,andputitonaledgeinthebackofhischair,expresslymadeforitsreception.'There'sEm'ly'scousin,himthatshewastohavebeenmarriedto,'saidMr.Omer,rubbinghishandsfeebly,'asfineafellowasthere
isinYarmouth!He'llcomeandtalkorreadtome,intheevening,foranhourtogethersometimes.That'sakindness,Ishouldcallit!Allhislife'sakindness.''Iamgoingtoseehimnow,'saidI.'Areyou?'saidMr.Omer.'TellhimIwashearty,andsentmyrespects.MinnieandJoram'sataball.TheywouldbeasproudtoseeyouasIam,iftheywasathome.Minniewon'thardlygooutatall,yousee,"onaccountoffather",asshesays.SoIsworetonight,thatifshedidn'tgo,I'dgotobedatsix.Inconsequenceofwhich,'Mr.Omershookhimselfandhischairwithlaughteratthesuccessofhisdevice,'sheandJoram'sataball.'Ishookhandswithhim,andwishedhimgoodnight.'Halfaminute,sir,'saidMr.Omer.'Ifyouwastogowithoutseeingmylittleelephant,you'dlosethebestofsights.Youneverseesuchasight!Minnie!'Amusicallittlevoiceanswered,fromsomewhereupstairs,'Iamcoming,grandfather!'andaprettylittlegirlwithlong,flaxen,curlinghair,sooncamerunningintotheshop.
'Thisismylittleelephant,sir,'saidMr.Omer,fondlingthechild.'Siamesebreed,sir.Now,littleelephant!'Thelittleelephantsetthedooroftheparlouropen,enablingmetoseethat,intheselatterdays,itwasconvertedintoabedroomforMr.Omerwhocouldnotbeeasilyconveyedupstairs;andthenhidherprettyforehead,andtumbledherlonghair,againstthebackofMr.Omer'schair.'Theelephantbutts,youknow,sir,'saidMr.Omer,winking,'whenhegoesataobject.Once,elephant.Twice.Threetimes!'Atthissignal,thelittleelephant,withadexteritythatwasnexttomarvellousinsosmallananimal,whiskedthechairroundwithMr.Omerinit,andrattleditoff,pell-mell,intotheparlour,withouttouchingthedoor-post:Mr.Omerindescribablyenjoyingtheperformance,andlookingbackatmeontheroadasifitwerethetriumphantissueofhislife'sexertions.AfterastrollaboutthetownIwenttoHam'shouse.Peggottyhadnowremovedhereforgood;andhadletherownhousetothesuccessorofMr.Barkisinthecarryingbusiness,whohadpaidherverywellforthegood-will,cart,andhorse.Ibelievethevery
sameslowhorsethatMr.Barkisdrovewasstillatwork.Ifoundthemintheneatkitchen,accompaniedbyMrs.Gummidge,whohadbeenfetchedfromtheoldboatbyMr.Peggottyhimself.Idoubtifshecouldhavebeeninducedtodesertherpost,byanyoneelse.Hehadevidentlytoldthemall.BothPeggottyandMrs.Gummidgehadtheirapronstotheireyes,andHamhadjuststeppedout'totakeaturnonthebeach'.Hepresentlycamehome,verygladtoseeme;andIhopetheywereallthebetterformybeingthere.Wespoke,withsomeapproachtocheerfulness,ofMr.Peggotty'sgrowingrichinanewcountry,andofthewondershewoulddescribeinhisletters.WesaidnothingofEmilybyname,butdistantlyreferredtohermorethanonce.Hamwastheserenestoftheparty.But,Peggottytoldme,whenshelightedmetoalittlechamberwheretheCrocodilebookwaslyingreadyformeonthetable,thathealwayswasthesame.Shebelieved(shetoldme,crying)thathewasbroken-hearted;thoughhewasasfullofcourageasofsweetness,andworkedharderandbetterthananyboat-builderinanyyardinallthatpart.Thereweretimes,shesaid,ofanevening,whenhetalkedoftheiroldlifeintheboat-house;andthenhementionedEmilyasachild.But,henevermentionedheras
awoman.IthoughtIhadreadinhisfacethathewouldliketospeaktomealone.Ithereforeresolvedtoputmyselfinhiswaynextevening,ashecamehomefromhiswork.Havingsettledthiswithmyself,Ifellasleep.Thatnight,forthefirsttimeinallthosemanynights,thecandlewastakenoutofthewindow,Mr.Peggottyswunginhisoldhammockintheoldboat,andthewindmurmuredwiththeoldsoundroundhishead.Allnextday,hewasoccupiedindisposingofhisfishing-boatandtackle;inpackingup,andsendingtoLondonbywaggon,suchofhislittledomesticpossessionsashethoughtwouldbeusefultohim;andinpartingwiththerest,orbestowingthemonMrs.Gummidge.Shewaswithhimallday.AsIhadasorrowfulwishtoseetheoldplaceoncemore,beforeitwaslockedup,Iengagedtomeetthemthereintheevening.ButIsoarrangedit,asthatIshouldmeetHamfirst.Itwaseasytocomeinhisway,asIknewwhereheworked.Imethimataretiredpartofthesands,whichIknewhewouldcross,andturnedbackwithhim,thathemighthaveleisuretospeaktomeifhereallywished.Ihadnotmistakentheexpressionofhis
face.Wehadwalkedbutalittlewaytogether,whenhesaid,withoutlookingatme:'Mas'rDavy,haveyouseenher?''Onlyforamoment,whenshewasinaswoon,'Isoftlyanswered.Wewalkedalittlefarther,andhesaid:'Mas'rDavy,shallyouseeher,d'yethink?''Itwouldbetoopainfultoher,perhaps,'saidI.'Ihavethowtofthat,'hereplied.'So'twould,sir,so'twould.''But,Ham,'saidI,gently,'ifthereisanythingthatIcouldwritetoher,foryou,incaseIcouldnottellit;ifthereisanythingyouwouldwishtomakeknowntoherthroughme;Ishouldconsideritasacredtrust.''Iamsureon't.Ithankee,sir,mostkind!IthinktheerissomethingIcouldwishsaidorwrote.'
'Whatisit?'Wewalkedalittlefartherinsilence,andthenhespoke.''Tan'tthatIforgiveher.'Tan'tthatsomuch.'TismoreasIbegofhertoforgiveme,forhavingpressedmyaffectionsuponher.Oddtimes,IthinkthatifIhadn'thadherpromisefurtomarryme,sir,shewasthattrustfulofme,inafriendlyway,thatshe'dhavetoldmewhatwasstrugglinginhermind,andwouldhavecounselledwithme,andImighthavesavedher.'Ipressedhishand.'Isthatall?''Theer'syetasomethingelse,'hereturned,'ifIcansayit,Mas'rDavy.'Wewalkedon,fartherthanwehadwalkedyet,beforehespokeagain.HewasnotcryingwhenhemadethepausesIshallexpressbylines.Hewasmerelycollectinghimselftospeakveryplainly.'Ilovedher-andIlovethemem'ryofher-toodeep-tobeabletoleadhertobelieveofmyownselfasI'mahappyman.Icouldonlybehappy-byforgettingofher-andI'mafeerdIcouldn'thardlybearassheshouldbetoldIdonethat.Butifyou,being
sofulloflearning,Mas'rDavy,couldthinkofanythingtosayasmightbringhertobelieveIwasn'tgreatlyhurt:stilllovingofher,andmourningforher:anythingasmightbringhertobelieveasIwasnottiredofmylife,andyetwashopingfurtoseeherwithoutblame,wheerthewickedceasefromtroublingandthewearyareatrest-anythingaswouldeasehersorrowfulmind,andyetnotmakeherthinkasIcouldevermarry,oras'twaspossiblethatanyonecouldeverbetomewhatshewas-Ishouldaskofyoutosaythat-withmyprayersforher-thatwassodear.'Ipressedhismanlyhandagain,andtoldhimIwouldchargemyselftodothisaswellasIcould.'Ithankee,sir,'heanswered.''Twaskindofyoutomeetme.'Twaskindofyoutobearhimcompanydown.Mas'rDavy,Iunnerstan'verywell,thoughmyauntwillcometoLon'onaforetheysail,andthey'lluniteoncemore,thatIamnotliketoseehimagen.Ifaretofeelsureon't.Wedoen'tsayso,butso'twillbe,andbetterso.Thelastyouseeonhim-theverylast-willyougivehimthelovingestdutyandthanksoftheorphan,ashewasevermorethanafatherto?'ThisIalsopromised,faithfully.
'Ithankeeagen,sir,'hesaid,heartilyshakinghands.'Iknowwheeryou'rea-going.Good-bye!'Withaslightwaveofhishand,asthoughtoexplaintomethathecouldnotentertheoldplace,heturnedaway.AsIlookedafterhisfigure,crossingthewasteinthemoonlight,Isawhimturnhisfacetowardsastripofsilverylightuponthesea,andpasson,lookingatit,untilhewasashadowinthedistance.Thedooroftheboat-housestoodopenwhenIapproached;and,onentering,Ifounditemptiedofallitsfurniture,savingoneoftheoldlockers,onwhichMrs.Gummidge,withabasketonherknee,wasseated,lookingatMr.Peggotty.Heleanedhiselbowontheroughchimney-piece,andgazeduponafewexpiringembersinthegrate;butheraisedhishead,hopefully,onmycomingin,andspokeinacheerymanner.'Come,accordingtopromise,tobidfarewellto't,eh,Mas'rDavy?'hesaid,takingupthecandle.'Bareenough,now,an'tit?''Indeedyouhavemadegooduseofthetime,'saidI.'Why,wehavenotbeenidle,sir.MissisGummidgehasworkedlike
a-Idoen'tknowwhatMissisGummidgean'tworkedlike,'saidMr.Peggotty,lookingather,atalossforasufficientlyapprovingsimile.Mrs.Gummidge,leaningonherbasket,madenoobservation.'Theer'stheverylockerthatyouusedtositon,'longwithEm'ly!'saidMr.Peggotty,inawhisper.'I'ma-goingtocarryitawaywithme,lastofall.Andheer'syouroldlittlebedroom,see,Mas'rDavy!A'mostasbleaktonight,as'artcouldwish!'Intruth,thewind,thoughitwaslow,hadasolemnsound,andcreptaroundthedesertedhousewithawhisperedwailingthatwasverymournful.Everythingwasgone,downtothelittlemirrorwiththeoyster-shellframe.Ithoughtofmyself,lyinghere,whenthatfirstgreatchangewasbeingwroughtathome.Ithoughtoftheblue-eyedchildwhohadenchantedme.IthoughtofSteerforth:andafoolish,fearfulfancycameuponmeofhisbeingnearathand,andliabletobemetatanyturn.''Tisliketobelong,'saidMr.Peggotty,inalowvoice,'aforetheboatfindsnewtenants.Theylookupon't,downbeer,asbeingunfortunatenow!'
'Doesitbelongtoanybodyintheneighbourhood?'Iasked.'Toamast-makeruptown,'saidMr.Peggotty.'I'ma-goingtogivethekeytohimtonight.'Welookedintotheotherlittleroom,andcamebacktoMrs.Gummidge,sittingonthelocker,whomMr.Peggotty,puttingthelightonthechimney-piece,requestedtorise,thathemightcarryitoutsidethedoorbeforeextinguishingthecandle.'Dan'l,'saidMrs.Gummidge,suddenlydesertingherbasket,andclingingtohisarm'mydearDan'l,thepartingwordsIspeakinthishouseis,Imustn'tbeleftbehind.Doen'tyethinkofleavingmebehind,Dan'l!Oh,doen'tyeeverdoit!'Mr.Peggotty,takenaback,lookedfromMrs.Gummidgetome,andfrommetoMrs.Gummidge,asifhehadbeenawakenedfromasleep.'Doen'tye,dearestDan'l,doen'tye!'criedMrs.Gummidge,fervently.'Takeme'longwithyou,Dan'l,takeme'longwithyouandEm'ly!I'llbeyourservant,constantandtrew.Ifthere'sslavesinthempartswhereyou'rea-going,I'llbeboundtoyoufor
one,andhappy,butdoen'tyeleavemebehind,Dan'l,that'sadearydear!''Mygoodsoul,'saidMr.Peggotty,shakinghishead,'youdoen'tknowwhatalongvoyage,andwhatahardlife'tis!''Yes,Ido,Dan'l!Icanguess!'criedMrs.Gummidge.'Butmypartingwordsunderthisroofis,Ishallgointothehouseanddie,ifIamnottook.Icandig,Dan'l.Icanwork.Icanlivehard.Icanbelovingandpatientnow-morethanyouthink,Dan'l,ifyou'llon'ytryme.Iwouldn'ttouchthe'lowance,notifIwasdyingofwant,Dan'lPeggotty;butI'llgowithyouandEm'ly,ifyou'llon'yletme,totheworld'send!Iknowhow'tis;IknowyouthinkthatIamloneandlorn;but,dearylove,'tan'tsonomore!Iain'tsathere,solong,a-watching,anda-thinkingofyourtrials,withoutsomegoodbeingdoneme.Mas'rDavy,speaktohimforme!Iknowshisways,andEm'ly's,andIknowstheirsorrows,andcanbeacomfortto'em,someoddtimes,andlabourfor'emallus!Dan'l,dearyDan'l,letmego'longwithyou!'AndMrs.Gummidgetookhishand,andkisseditwithahomelypathosandaffection,inahomelyraptureofdevotionandgratitude,thathewelldeserved.
Webroughtthelockerout,extinguishedthecandle,fastenedthedoorontheoutside,andlefttheoldboatcloseshutup,adarkspeckinthecloudynight.Nextday,whenwewerereturningtoLondonoutsidethecoach,Mrs.Gummidgeandherbasketwereontheseatbehind,andMrs.Gummidgewashappy.CHAPTER52IASSISTATANEXPLOSIONWhenthetimeMr.Micawberhadappointedsomysteriously,waswithinfour-and-twentyhoursofbeingcome,myauntandIconsultedhowweshouldproceed;formyauntwasveryunwillingtoleaveDora.Ah!howeasilyIcarriedDoraupanddownstairs,now!Weweredisposed,notwithstandingMr.Micawber'sstipulationformyaunt'sattendance,toarrangethatsheshouldstayathome,andberepresentedbyMr.Dickandme.Inshort,wehadresolvedtotakethiscourse,whenDoraagainunsettledusbydeclaringthatsheneverwouldforgiveherself,andneverwouldforgiveherbadboy,ifmyauntremainedbehind,onanypretence.
'Iwon'tspeaktoyou,'saidDora,shakinghercurlsatmyaunt.'I'llbedisagreeable!I'llmakeJipbarkatyouallday.Ishallbesurethatyoureallyareacrossoldthing,ifyoudon'tgo!''Tut,Blossom!'laughedmyaunt.'Youknowyoucan'tdowithoutme!''Yes,Ican,'saidDora.'Youarenousetomeatall.Youneverrunupanddownstairsforme,alldaylong.YouneversitandtellmestoriesaboutDoady,whenhisshoeswerewornout,andhewascoveredwithdust-oh,whatapoorlittlemiteofafellow!Youneverdoanythingatalltopleaseme,doyou,dear?'Doramadehastetokissmyaunt,andsay,'Yes,youdo!I'monlyjoking!'-lestmyauntshouldthinkshereallymeantit.'But,aunt,'saidDora,coaxingly,'nowlisten.Youmustgo.Ishallteaseyou,'tillyouletmehavemyownwayaboutit.Ishallleadmynaughtyboysuchalife,ifhedon'tmakeyougo.Ishallmakemyselfsodisagreeable-andsowillJip!You'llwishyouhadgone,likeagoodthing,foreverandeversolong,ifyoudon'tgo.Besides,'saidDora,puttingbackherhair,andlookingwonderinglyatmyauntandme,'whyshouldn'tyoubothgo?Iamnotveryillindeed.AmI?'
'Why,whataquestion!'criedmyaunt.'Whatafancy!'saidI.'Yes!IknowIamasillylittlething!'saidDora,slowlylookingfromoneofustotheother,andthenputtingupherprettylipstokissusasshelayuponhercouch.'Well,then,youmustbothgo,orIshallnotbelieveyou;andthenIshallcry!'Isaw,inmyaunt'sface,thatshebegantogivewaynow,andDorabrightenedagain,asshesawittoo.'You'llcomebackwithsomuchtotellme,thatit'lltakeatleastaweektomakemeunderstand!'saidDora.'BecauseIknowIshan'tunderstand,foralengthoftime,ifthere'sanybusinessinit.Andthere'ssuretobesomebusinessinit!Ifthere'sanythingtoaddup,besides,Idon'tknowwhenIshallmakeitout;andmybadboywilllooksomiserableallthetime.There!Nowyou'llgo,won'tyou?You'llonlybegoneonenight,andJipwilltakecareofmewhileyouaregone.Doadywillcarrymeupstairsbeforeyougo,andIwon'tcomedownagaintillyoucomeback;andyoushalltakeAgnesadreadfullyscoldingletterfromme,becauseshehas
neverbeentoseeus!'Weagreed,withoutanymoreconsultation,thatwewouldbothgo,andthatDorawasalittleImpostor,whofeignedtoberatherunwell,becauseshelikedtobepetted.Shewasgreatlypleased,andverymerry;andwefour,thatistosay,myaunt,Mr.Dick,Traddles,andI,wentdowntoCanterburybytheDovermailthatnight.AtthehotelwhereMr.Micawberhadrequestedustoawaithim,whichwegotinto,withsometrouble,inthemiddleofthenight,Ifoundaletter,importingthathewouldappearinthemorningpunctuallyathalfpastnine.Afterwhich,wewentshivering,atthatuncomfortablehour,toourrespectivebeds,throughvariousclosepassages;whichsmeltasiftheyhadbeensteeped,forages,inasolutionofsoupandstables.Earlyinthemorning,Isaunteredthroughthedearoldtranquilstreets,andagainmingledwiththeshadowsofthevenerablegatewaysandchurches.Therooksweresailingaboutthecathedraltowers;andthetowersthemselves,overlookingmanyalongunalteredmileoftherichcountryanditspleasantstreams,werecuttingthebrightmorningair,asiftherewerenosuchthingas
changeonearth.Yetthebells,whentheysounded,toldmesorrowfullyofchangeineverything;toldmeoftheirownage,andmyprettyDora'syouth;andofthemany,neverold,whohadlivedandlovedanddied,whilethereverberationsofthebellshadhummedthroughtherustyarmouroftheBlackPrincehangingupwithin,and,motesuponthedeepofTime,hadlostthemselvesinair,ascirclesdoinwater.Ilookedattheoldhousefromthecornerofthestreet,butdidnotgonearertoit,lest,beingobserved,ImightunwittinglydoanyharmtothedesignIhadcometoaid.Theearlysunwasstrikingedgewiseonitsgablesandlattice-windows,touchingthemwithgold;andsomebeamsofitsoldpeaceseemedtotouchmyheart.Istrolledintothecountryforanhourorso,andthenreturnedbythemainstreet,whichintheintervalhadshakenoffitslastnight'ssleep.Amongthosewhowerestirringintheshops,Isawmyancientenemythebutcher,nowadvancedtotop-bootsandababy,andinbusinessforhimself.Hewasnursingthebaby,andappearedtobeabenignantmemberofsociety.Weallbecameveryanxiousandimpatient,whenwesatdownto
breakfast.Asitapproachednearerandnearertohalfpastnineo'clock,ourrestlessexpectationofMr.Micawberincreased.Atlastwemadenomorepretenceofattendingtothemeal,which,exceptwithMr.Dick,hadbeenamereformfromthefirst;butmyauntwalkedupanddowntheroom,Traddlessatuponthesofaaffectingtoreadthepaperwithhiseyesontheceiling;andIlookedoutofthewindowtogiveearlynoticeofMr.Micawber'scoming.NorhadIlongtowatch,for,atthefirstchimeofthehalfhour,heappearedinthestreet.'Hereheis,'saidI,'andnotinhislegalattire!'Myaunttiedthestringsofherbonnet(shehadcomedowntobreakfastinit),andputonhershawl,asifshewerereadyforanythingthatwasresoluteanduncompromising.Traddlesbuttonedhiscoatwithadeterminedair.Mr.Dick,disturbedbytheseformidableappearances,butfeelingitnecessarytoimitatethem,pulledhishat,withbothhands,asfirmlyoverhisearsashepossiblycould;andinstantlytookitoffagain,towelcomeMr.Micawber.'Gentlemen,andmadam,'saidMr.Micawber,'goodmorning!Mydearsir,'toMr.Dick,whoshookhandswithhimviolently,'youare
extremelygood.''Haveyoubreakfasted?'saidMr.Dick.'Haveachop!''Notfortheworld,mygoodsir!'criedMr.Micawber,stoppinghimonhiswaytothebell;'appetiteandmyself,Mr.Dixon,havelongbeenstrangers.'Mr.Dixonwassowellpleasedwithhisnewname,andappearedtothinkitsoobliginginMr.Micawbertoconferituponhim,thatheshookhandswithhimagain,andlaughedratherchildishly.'Dick,'saidmyaunt,'attention!'Mr.Dickrecoveredhimself,withablush.'Now,sir,'saidmyaunttoMr.Micawber,assheputonhergloves,'wearereadyforMountVesuvius,oranythingelse,assoonasYOUplease.''Madam,'returnedMr.Micawber,'Itrustyouwillshortlywitnessaneruption.Mr.Traddles,Ihaveyourpermission,Ibelieve,tomentionherethatwehavebeenincommunicationtogether?'
'Itisundoubtedlythefact,Copperfield,'saidTraddles,towhomIlookedinsurprise.'Mr.Micawberhasconsultedmeinreferencetowhathehasincontemplation;andIhaveadvisedhimtothebestofmyjudgement.''UnlessIdeceivemyself,Mr.Traddles,'pursuedMr.Micawber,'whatIcontemplateisadisclosureofanimportantnature.''Highlyso,'saidTraddles.'Perhaps,undersuchcircumstances,madamandgentlemen,'saidMr.Micawber,'youwilldomethefavourtosubmityourselves,forthemoment,tothedirectionofonewho,howeverunworthytoberegardedinanyotherlightbutasaWaifandStrayupontheshoreofhumannature,isstillyourfellow-man,thoughcrushedoutofhisoriginalformbyindividualerrors,andtheaccumulativeforceofacombinationofcircumstances?''Wehaveperfectconfidenceinyou,Mr.Micawber,'saidI,'andwilldowhatyouplease.''Mr.Copperfield,'returnedMr.Micawber,'yourconfidenceisnot,
attheexistingjuncture,ill-bestowed.Iwouldbegtobeallowedastartoffiveminutesbytheclock;andthentoreceivethepresentcompany,inquiringforMissWickfield,attheofficeofWickfieldandHeep,whoseStipendiaryIam.'MyauntandIlookedatTraddles,whonoddedhisapproval.'Ihavenomore,'observedMr.Micawber,'tosayatpresent.'Withwhich,tomyinfinitesurprise,heincludedusallinacomprehensivebow,anddisappeared;hismannerbeingextremelydistant,andhisfaceextremelypale.Traddlesonlysmiled,andshookhishead(withhishairstandinguprightonthetopofit),whenIlookedtohimforanexplanation;soItookoutmywatch,and,asalastresource,countedoffthefiveminutes.Myaunt,withherownwatchinherhand,didthelike.Whenthetimewasexpired,Traddlesgaveherhisarm;andweallwentouttogethertotheoldhouse,withoutsayingonewordontheway.WefoundMr.Micawberathisdesk,intheturretofficeonthegroundfloor,eitherwriting,orpretendingtowrite,hard.The
largeoffice-rulerwasstuckintohiswaistcoat,andwasnotsowellconcealedbutthatafootormoreofthatinstrumentprotrudedfromhisbosom,likeanewkindofshirt-frill.AsitappearedtomethatIwasexpectedtospeak,Isaidaloud:'Howdoyoudo,Mr.Micawber?''Mr.Copperfield,'saidMr.Micawber,gravely,'IhopeIseeyouwell?''IsMissWickfieldathome?'saidI.'Mr.Wickfieldisunwellinbed,sir,ofarheumaticfever,'hereturned;'butMissWickfield,Ihavenodoubt,willbehappytoseeoldfriends.Willyouwalkin,sir?'Heprecededustothedining-room-thefirstroomIhadenteredinthathouse-andflingingopenthedoorofMr.Wickfield'sformeroffice,said,inasonorousvoice:'MissTrotwood,Mr.DavidCopperfield,Mr.ThomasTraddles,andMr.Dixon!'
IhadnotseenUriahHeepsincethetimeoftheblow.Ourvisitastonishedhim,evidently;nottheless,Idaresay,becauseitastonishedourselves.Hedidnotgatherhiseyebrowstogether,forhehadnoneworthmentioning;buthefrownedtothatdegreethathealmostclosedhissmalleyes,whilethehurriedraisingofhisgrislyhandtohischinbetrayedsometrepidationorsurprise.Thiswasonlywhenwewereintheactofenteringhisroom,andwhenIcaughtaglanceathimovermyaunt'sshoulder.Amomentafterwards,hewasasfawningandashumbleasever.'Well,Iamsure,'hesaid.'Thisisindeedanunexpectedpleasure!Tohave,asImaysay,allfriendsroundSt.Paul'satonce,isatreatunlookedfor!Mr.Copperfield,IhopeIseeyouwell,and-ifImayumblyexpressmyselfso-friendlytowardsthemasiseveryourfriends,whetherornot.Mrs.Copperfield,sir,Ihopeshe'sgettingon.Wehavebeenmadequiteuneasybythepooraccountswehavehadofherstate,lately,Idoassureyou.'Ifeltashamedtolethimtakemyhand,butIdidnotknowyetwhatelsetodo.
'Thingsarechangedinthisoffice,MissTrotwood,sinceIwasanumbleclerk,andheldyourpony;ain'tthey?'saidUriah,withhissickliestsmile.'ButIamnotchanged,MissTrotwood.''Well,sir,'returnedmyaunt,'totellyouthetruth,Ithinkyouareprettyconstanttothepromiseofyouryouth;ifthat'sanysatisfactiontoyou.''Thankyou,MissTrotwood,'saidUriah,writhinginhisungainlymanner,'foryourgoodopinion!Micawber,tell'emtoletMissAgnesknow-andmother.Motherwillbequiteinastate,whensheseesthepresentcompany!'saidUriah,settingchairs.'Youarenotbusy,Mr.Heep?'saidTraddles,whoseeyethecunningredeyeaccidentallycaught,asitatoncescrutinizedandevadedus.'No,Mr.Traddles,'repliedUriah,resuminghisofficialseat,andsqueezinghisbonyhands,laidpalmtopalmbetweenhisbonyknees.'NotsomuchsoasIcouldwish.Butlawyers,sharks,andleeches,arenoteasilysatisfied,youknow!NotbutwhatmyselfandMicawberhaveourhandsprettyfull,ingeneral,onaccountofMr.Wickfield'sbeinghardlyfitforanyoccupation,sir.Butit'sa
pleasureaswellasaduty,Iamsure,toworkforhim.You'venotbeenintimatewithMr.Wickfield,Ithink,Mr.Traddles?IbelieveI'veonlyhadthehonourofseeingyouoncemyself?''No,IhavenotbeenintimatewithMr.Wickfield,'returnedTraddles;'orImightperhapshavewaitedonyoulongago,Mr.Heep.'Therewassomethinginthetoneofthisreply,whichmadeUriahlookatthespeakeragain,withaverysinisterandsuspiciousexpression.But,seeingonlyTraddles,withhisgood-naturedface,simplemanner,andhaironend,hedismisseditashereplied,withajerkofhiswholebody,butespeciallyhisthroat:'Iamsorryforthat,Mr.Traddles.Youwouldhaveadmiredhimasmuchaswealldo.Hislittlefailingswouldonlyhaveendearedhimtoyouthemore.Butifyouwouldliketohearmyfellow-partnereloquentlyspokenof,IshouldreferyoutoCopperfield.Thefamilyisasubjecthe'sverystrongupon,ifyouneverheardhim.'Iwaspreventedfromdisclaimingthecompliment(ifIshouldhavedoneso,inanycase),bytheentranceofAgnes,nowusheredinby
Mr.Micawber.Shewasnotquitesoself-possessedasusual,Ithought;andhadevidentlyundergoneanxietyandfatigue.Butherearnestcordiality,andherquietbeauty,shonewiththegentlerlustreforit.IsawUriahwatchherwhileshegreetedus;andheremindedmeofanuglyandrebelliousgeniewatchingagoodspirit.Inthemeanwhile,someslightsignpassedbetweenMr.MicawberandTraddles;andTraddles,unobservedexceptbyme,wentout.'Don'twait,Micawber,'saidUriah.Mr.Micawber,withhishandupontherulerinhisbreast,stooderectbeforethedoor,mostunmistakablycontemplatingoneofhisfellow-men,andthatmanhisemployer.'Whatareyouwaitingfor?'saidUriah.'Micawber!didyouhearmetellyounottowait?''Yes!'repliedtheimmovableMr.Micawber.'ThenwhyDOyouwait?'saidUriah.
'BecauseI-inshort,choose,'repliedMr.Micawber,withaburst.Uriah'scheekslostcolour,andanunwholesomepaleness,stillfaintlytingedbyhispervadingred,overspreadthem.HelookedatMr.Micawberattentively,withhiswholefacebreathingshortandquickineveryfeature.'Youareadissipatedfellow,asalltheworldknows,'hesaid,withaneffortatasmile,'andIamafraidyou'llobligemetogetridofyou.Goalong!I'lltalktoyoupresently.''Ifthereisascoundrelonthisearth,'saidMr.Micawber,suddenlybreakingoutagainwiththeutmostvehemence,'withwhomIhavealreadytalkedtoomuch,thatscoundrel'snameis-HEEP!'Uriahfellback,asifhehadbeenstruckorstung.Lookingslowlyrounduponuswiththedarkestandwickedestexpressionthathisfacecouldwear,hesaid,inalowervoice:'Oho!Thisisaconspiracy!Youhavemetherebyappointment!YouareplayingBootywithmyclerk,areyou,Copperfield?Now,takecare.You'llmakenothingofthis.Weunderstandeachother,youandme.There'snolovebetweenus.Youwerealwaysapuppywith
aproudstomach,fromyourfirstcominghere;andyouenvymemyrise,doyou?Noneofyourplotsagainstme;I'llcounterplotyou!Micawber,youbeoff.I'lltalktoyoupresently.''Mr.Micawber,'saidI,'thereisasuddenchangeinthisfellow.inmorerespectsthantheextraordinaryoneofhisspeakingthetruthinoneparticular,whichassuresmethatheisbroughttobay.Dealwithhimashedeserves!''Youareaprecioussetofpeople,ain'tyou?'saidUriah,inthesamelowvoice,andbreakingoutintoaclammyheat,whichhewipedfromhisforehead,withhislongleanhand,'tobuyovermyclerk,whoistheveryscumofsociety,-asyouyourselfwere,Copperfield,youknowit,beforeanyonehadcharityonyou,-todefamemewithhislies?MissTrotwood,youhadbetterstopthis;orI'llstopyourhusbandshorterthanwillbepleasanttoyou.Iwon'tknowyourstoryprofessionally,fornothing,oldlady!MissWickfield,ifyouhaveanyloveforyourfather,youhadbetternotjointhatgang.I'llruinhim,ifyoudo.Now,come!Ihavegotsomeofyouundertheharrow.Thinktwice,beforeitgoesoveryou.Thinktwice,you,Micawber,ifyoudon'twanttobecrushed.Irecommendyoutotakeyourselfoff,andbetalkedtopresently,youfool!whilethere'stimetoretreat.Where'smother?'hesaid,
suddenlyappearingtonotice,withalarm,theabsenceofTraddles,andpullingdownthebell-rope.'Finedoingsinaperson'sownhouse!''Mrs.Heepishere,sir,'saidTraddles,returningwiththatworthymotherofaworthyson.'Ihavetakenthelibertyofmakingmyselfknowntoher.''Whoareyoutomakeyourselfknown?'retortedUriah.'Andwhatdoyouwanthere?''IamtheagentandfriendofMr.Wickfield,sir,'saidTraddles,inacomposedandbusiness-likeway.'AndIhaveapowerofattorneyfromhiminmypocket,toactforhiminallmatters.''Theoldasshasdrunkhimselfintoastateofdotage,'saidUriah,turninguglierthanbefore,'andithasbeengotfromhimbyfraud!''Somethinghasbeengotfromhimbyfraud,Iknow,'returnedTraddlesquietly;'andsodoyou,Mr.Heep.Wewillreferthatquestion,ifyouplease,toMr.Micawber.'
'Ury-!'Mrs.Heepbegan,withananxiousgesture.'YOUholdyourtongue,mother,'hereturned;'leastsaid,soonestmended.''But,myUry-''Willyouholdyourtongue,mother,andleaveittome?'ThoughIhadlongknownthathisservilitywasfalse,andallhispretencesknavishandhollow,Ihadhadnoadequateconceptionoftheextentofhishypocrisy,untilInowsawhimwithhismaskoff.Thesuddennesswithwhichhedroppedit,whenheperceivedthatitwasuselesstohim;themalice,insolence,andhatred,herevealed;theleerwithwhichheexulted,evenatthismoment,intheevilhehaddone-allthistimebeingdesperatetoo,andathiswits'endforthemeansofgettingthebetterofus-thoughperfectlyconsistentwiththeexperienceIhadofhim,atfirsttookevenmebysurprise,whohadknownhimsolong,anddislikedhimsoheartily.Isaynothingofthelookheconferredonme,ashestoodeyeingus,oneafteranother;forIhadalwaysunderstoodthathehated
me,andIrememberedthemarksofmyhanduponhischeek.ButwhenhiseyespassedontoAgnes,andIsawtheragewithwhichhefelthispoweroverherslippingaway,andtheexhibition,intheirdisappointment,oftheodiouspassionsthathadledhimtoaspiretoonewhosevirtueshecouldneverappreciateorcarefor,Iwasshockedbythemerethoughtofherhavinglived,anhour,withinsightofsuchaman.Aftersomerubbingofthelowerpartofhisface,andsomelookingatuswiththosebadeyes,overhisgrislyfingers,hemadeonemoreaddresstome,halfwhining,andhalfabusive.'Youthinkitjustifiable,doyou,Copperfield,youwhoprideyourselfsomuchonyourhonourandalltherestofit,tosneakaboutmyplace,eaves-droppingwithmyclerk?IfithadbeenME,Ishouldn'thavewondered;forIdon'tmakemyselfoutagentleman(thoughIneverwasinthestreetseither,asyouwere,accordingtoMicawber),butbeingyou!-Andyou'renotafraidofdoingthis,either?Youdon'tthinkatallofwhatIshalldo,inreturn;orofgettingyourselfintotroubleforconspiracyandsoforth?Verywell.Weshallsee!Mr.What's-your-name,youweregoingtorefersomequestiontoMicawber.There'syourreferee.Whydon'tyoumakehimspeak?Hehaslearnthislesson,Isee.'
Seeingthatwhathesaidhadnoeffectonmeoranyofus,hesatontheedgeofhistablewithhishandsinhispockets,andoneofhissplayfeettwistedroundtheotherleg,waitingdoggedlyforwhatmightfollow.Mr.Micawber,whoseimpetuosityIhadrestrainedthusfarwiththegreatestdifficulty,andwhohadrepeatedlyinterposedwiththefirstsyllableOfSCOUN-drel!withoutgettingtothesecond,nowburstforward,drewtherulerfromhisbreast(apparentlyasadefensiveweapon),andproducedfromhispocketafoolscapdocument,foldedintheformofalargeletter.Openingthispacket,withhisoldflourish,andglancingatthecontents,asifhecherishedanartisticadmirationoftheirstyleofcomposition,hebegantoreadasfollows:'"DearMissTrotwoodandgentlemen-"''Blessandsavetheman!'exclaimedmyauntinalowvoice.'He'dwritelettersbytheream,ifitwasacapitaloffence!'Mr.Micawber,withouthearingher,wenton.
'"InappearingbeforeyoutodenounceprobablythemostconsummateVillainthathaseverexisted,"'Mr.Micawber,withoutlookingofftheletter,pointedtheruler,likeaghostlytruncheon,atUriahHeep,'"Iasknoconsiderationformyself.Thevictim,frommycradle,ofpecuniaryliabilitiestowhichIhavebeenunabletorespond,Ihaveeverbeenthesportandtoyofdebasingcircumstances.Ignominy,Want,Despair,andMadness,have,collectivelyorseparately,beentheattendantsofmycareer."'TherelishwithwhichMr.Micawberdescribedhimselfasapreytothesedismalcalamities,wasonlytobeequalledbytheemphasiswithwhichhereadhisletter;andthekindofhomageherenderedtoitwitharollofhishead,whenhethoughthehadhitasentenceveryhardindeed.'"InanaccumulationofIgnominy,Want,Despair,andMadness,Ienteredtheoffice-or,asourlivelyneighbourtheGaulwouldtermit,theBureau-oftheFirm,nominallyconductedundertheappellationofWickfieldand-HEEP,butinreality,wieldedby-HEEPalone.HEEP,andonlyHEEP,isthemainspringofthatmachine.HEEP,andonlyHEEP,istheForgerandtheCheat."'
Uriah,morebluethanwhiteatthesewords,madeadartattheletter,asiftotearitinpieces.Mr.Micawber,withaperfectmiracleofdexterityorluck,caughthisadvancingknuckleswiththeruler,anddisabledhisrighthand.Itdroppedatthewrist,asifitwerebroken.Theblowsoundedasifithadfallenonwood.'TheDeviltakeyou!'saidUriah,writhinginanewwaywithpain.'I'llbeevenwithyou.''Approachmeagain,you-you-youHEEPofinfamy,'gaspedMr.Micawber,'andifyourheadishuman,I'llbreakit.Comeon,comeon!'IthinkIneversawanythingmoreridiculous-Iwassensibleofit,evenatthetime-thanMr.Micawbermakingbroad-swordguardswiththeruler,andcrying,'Comeon!'whileTraddlesandIpushedhimbackintoacorner,fromwhich,asoftenaswegothimintoit,hepersistedinemergingagain.Hisenemy,mutteringtohimself,afterwringinghiswoundedhandforsometime,slowlydrewoffhisneck-kerchiefandbounditup;thenhelditinhisotherhand,andsatuponhistablewithhis
sullenfacelookingdown.Mr.Micawber,whenhewassufficientlycool,proceededwithhisletter.'"ThestipendiaryemolumentsinconsiderationofwhichIenteredintotheserviceof-HEEP,"'alwayspausingbeforethatwordandutteringitwithastonishingvigour,'"werenotdefined,beyondthepittanceoftwenty-twoshillingsandsixperweek.Therestwasleftcontingentonthevalueofmyprofessionalexertions;inotherandmoreexpressivewords,onthebasenessofmynature,thecupidityofmymotives,thepovertyofmyfamily,thegeneralmoral(orratherimmoral)resemblancebetweenmyselfand-HEEP.NeedIsay,thatitsoonbecamenecessaryformetosolicitfrom-HEEP-pecuniaryadvancestowardsthesupportofMrs.Micawber,andourblightedbutrisingfamily?NeedIsaythatthisnecessityhadbeenforeseenby-HEEP?ThatthoseadvancesweresecuredbyI.O.U.'sandothersimilaracknowledgements,knowntothelegalinstitutionsofthiscountry?AndthatIthusbecameimmeshedinthewebhehadspunformyreception?"'Mr.Micawber'senjoymentofhisepistolarypowers,indescribingthisunfortunatestateofthings,reallyseemedtooutweighany
painoranxietythattherealitycouldhavecausedhim.Hereadon:'"Thenitwasthat-HEEP-begantofavourmewithjustsomuchofhisconfidence,aswasnecessarytothedischargeofhisinfernalbusiness.ThenitwasthatIbegan,ifImaysoShakespearianlyexpressmyself,todwindle,peak,andpine.Ifoundthatmyserviceswereconstantlycalledintorequisitionforthefalsificationofbusiness,andthemystificationofanindividualwhomIwilldesignateasMr.W.ThatMr.W.wasimposedupon,keptinignorance,anddeluded,ineverypossibleway;yet,thatallthiswhile,theruffian-HEEP-wasprofessingunboundedgratitudeto,andunboundedfriendshipfor,thatmuch-abusedgentleman.Thiswasbadenough;but,asthephilosophicDaneobserves,withthatuniversalapplicabilitywhichdistinguishestheillustriousornamentoftheElizabethanEra,worseremainsbehind!"'Mr.Micawberwassoverymuchstruckbythishappyroundingoffwithaquotation,thatheindulgedhimself,andus,withasecondreadingofthesentence,underpretenceofhavinglosthisplace.'"Itisnotmyintention,"'hecontinuedreadingon,'"toenteronadetailedlist,withinthecompassofthepresentepistle(though
itisreadyelsewhere),ofthevariousmalpracticesofaminornature,affectingtheindividualwhomIhavedenominatedMr.W.,towhichIhavebeenatacitlyconsentingparty.Myobject,whenthecontestwithinmyselfbetweenstipendandnostipend,bakerandnobaker,existenceandnon-existence,ceased,wastotakeadvantageofmyopportunitiestodiscoverandexposethemajormalpracticescommitted,tothatgentleman'sgrievouswrongandinjury,by-HEEP.Stimulatedbythesilentmonitorwithin,andbyanolesstouchingandappealingmonitorwithout-towhomIwillbrieflyreferasMissW.-Ienteredonanotunlaborioustaskofclandestineinvestigation,protracted-now,tothebestofmyknowledge,information,andbelief,overaperiodexceedingtwelvecalendarmonths."'HereadthispassageasifitwerefromanActofParliament;andappearedmajesticallyrefreshedbythesoundofthewords.'"Mychargesagainst-HEEP,"'hereadon,glancingathim,anddrawingtherulerintoaconvenientpositionunderhisleftarm,incaseofneed,'"areasfollows."'Weallheldourbreath,Ithink.IamsureUriahheldhis.
'"First,"'saidMr.Micawber,'"WhenMr.W.'sfacultiesandmemoryforbusinessbecame,throughcausesintowhichitisnotnecessaryorexpedientformetoenter,weakenedandconfused,-HEEP-designedlyperplexedandcomplicatedthewholeoftheofficialtransactions.WhenMr.W.wasleastfittoenteronbusiness,-HEEPwasalwaysathandtoforcehimtoenteronit.HeobtainedMr.W.'ssignatureundersuchcircumstancestodocumentsofimportance,representingthemtobeotherdocumentsofnoimportance.HeinducedMr.W.toempowerhimtodrawout,thus,oneparticularsumoftrust-money,amountingtotwelvesixfourteen,twoandnine,andemployedittomeetpretendedbusinesschargesanddeficiencieswhichwereeitheralreadyprovidedfor,orhadneverreallyexisted.Hegavethisproceeding,throughout,theappearanceofhavingoriginatedinMr.W.'sowndishonestintention,andofhavingbeenaccomplishedbyMr.W.'sowndishonestact;andhasusedit,eversince,totortureandconstrainhim."''Youshallprovethis,youCopperfield!'saidUriah,withathreateningshakeofthehead.'Allingoodtime!''Ask-HEEP-Mr.Traddles,wholivedinhishouseafterhim,'saidMr.Micawber,breakingofffromtheletter;'willyou?'
'Thefoolhimself-andlivestherenow,'saidUriah,disdainfully.'Ask-HEEP-ifheeverkeptapocket-bookinthathouse,'saidMr.Micawber;'willyou?'IsawUriah'slankhandstop,involuntarily,inthescrapingofhischin.'Oraskhim,'saidMr.Micawber,'ifheeverburntonethere.Ifhesaysyes,andasksyouwheretheashesare,referhimtoWilkinsMicawber,andhewillhearofsomethingnotatalltohisadvantage!'ThetriumphantflourishwithwhichMr.Micawberdeliveredhimselfofthesewords,hadapowerfuleffectinalarmingthemother;whocriedout,inmuchagitation:'Ury,Ury!Beumble,andmaketerms,mydear!''Mother!'heretorted,'willyoukeepquiet?You'reinafright,anddon'tknowwhatyousayormean.Umble!'herepeated,lookingatme,withasnarl;'I'veumbledsomeof'emforaprettylong
timeback,umbleasIwas!'Mr.Micawber,genteellyadjustinghischininhiscravat,presentlyproceededwithhiscomposition.'"Second.HEEPhas,onseveraloccasions,tothebestofmyknowledge,information,andbelief-"''Butthatwon'tdo,'mutteredUriah,relieved.'Mother,youkeepquiet.''WewillendeavourtoprovidesomethingthatWILLdo,anddoforyoufinally,sir,veryshortly,'repliedMr.Micawber.'"Second.HEEPhas,onseveraloccasions,tothebestofmyknowledge,information,andbelief,systematicallyforged,tovariousentries,books,anddocuments,thesignatureofMr.W.;andhasdistinctlydonesoinoneinstance,capableofproofbyme.Towit,inmannerfollowing,thatistosay:"'Again,Mr.Micawberhadarelishinthisformalpilingupofwords,which,howeverludicrouslydisplayedinhiscase,was,Imustsay,notatallpeculiartohim.Ihaveobservedit,inthecourseof
mylife,innumbersofmen.Itseemstometobeageneralrule.Inthetakingoflegaloaths,forinstance,deponentsseemtoenjoythemselvesmightilywhentheycometoseveralgoodwordsinsuccession,fortheexpressionofoneidea;as,thattheyutterlydetest,abominate,andabjure,orsoforth;andtheoldanathemasweremaderelishingonthesameprinciple.Wetalkaboutthetyrannyofwords,butweliketotyrannizeoverthemtoo;wearefondofhavingalargesuperfluousestablishmentofwordstowaituponusongreatoccasions;wethinkitlooksimportant,andsoundswell.Aswearenotparticularaboutthemeaningofourliveriesonstateoccasions,iftheybebutfineandnumerousenough,so,themeaningornecessityofourwordsisasecondaryconsideration,iftherebebutagreatparadeofthem.Andasindividualsgetintotroublebymakingtoogreatashowofliveries,orasslaveswhentheyaretoonumerousriseagainsttheirmasters,soIthinkIcouldmentionanationthathasgotintomanygreatdifficulties,andwillgetintomanygreater,frommaintainingtoolargearetinueofwords.Mr.Micawberreadon,almostsmackinghislips:'"Towit,inmannerfollowing,thatistosay.Mr.W.beinginfirm,anditbeingwithintheboundsofprobabilitythathis
deceasemightleadtosomediscoveries,andtothedownfallof-HEEP'S-powerovertheW.family,-asI,WilkinsMicawber,theundersigned,assume-unlessthefilialaffectionofhisdaughtercouldbesecretlyinfluencedfromallowinganyinvestigationofthepartnershipaffairstobeevermade,thesaid-HEEP-deemeditexpedienttohaveabondreadybyhim,asfromMr.W.,forthebefore-mentionedsumoftwelvesixfourteen,twoandnine,withinterest,statedthereintohavebeenadvancedby-HEEP-toMr.W.tosaveMr.W.fromdishonour;thoughreallythesumwasneveradvancedbyhim,andhaslongbeenreplaced.ThesignaturestothisinstrumentpurportingtobeexecutedbyMr.W.andattestedbyWilkinsMicawber,areforgeriesby-HEEP.Ihave,inmypossession,inhishandandpocket-book,severalsimilarimitationsofMr.W.'ssignature,hereandtheredefacedbyfire,butlegibletoanyone.Ineverattestedanysuchdocument.AndIhavethedocumentitself,inmypossession."'UriahHeep,withastart,tookoutofhispocketabunchofkeys,andopenedacertaindrawer;then,suddenlybethoughthimselfofwhathewasabout,andturnedagaintowardsus,withoutlookinginit.'"AndIhavethedocument,"'Mr.Micawberreadagain,lookingaboutasifitwerethetextofasermon,'"inmypossession,-thatis
tosay,Ihad,earlythismorning,whenthiswaswritten,buthavesincerelinquishedittoMr.Traddles."''Itisquitetrue,'assentedTraddles.'Ury,Ury!'criedthemother,'beumbleandmaketerms.Iknowmysonwillbeumble,gentlemen,ifyou'llgivehimtimetothink.Mr.Copperfield,I'msureyouknowthathewasalwaysveryumble,sir!'Itwassingulartoseehowthemotherstillheldtotheoldtrick,whenthesonhadabandoneditasuseless.'Mother,'hesaid,withanimpatientbiteatthehandkerchiefinwhichhishandwaswrapped,'youhadbettertakeandfirealoadedgunatme.''ButIloveyou,Ury,'criedMrs.Heep.AndIhavenodoubtshedid;orthathelovedher,howeverstrangeitmayappear;though,tobesure,theywereacongenialcouple.'AndIcan'tbeartohearyouprovokingthegentlemen,andendangeringofyourselfmore.Itoldthegentlemanatfirst,whenhetoldmeupstairsitwascometolight,thatIwouldanswerforyourbeingumble,andmaking
amends.Oh,seehowumbleIam,gentlemen,anddon'tmindhim!''Why,there'sCopperfield,mother,'heangrilyretorted,pointinghisleanfingeratme,againstwhomallhisanimositywaslevelled,astheprimemoverinthediscovery;andIdidnotundeceivehim;'there'sCopperfield,wouldhavegivenyouahundredpoundtosaylessthanyou'veblurtedout!''Ican'thelpit,Ury,'criedhismother.'Ican'tseeyourunningintodanger,throughcarryingyourheadsohigh.Betterbeumble,asyoualwayswas.'Heremainedforalittle,bitingthehandkerchief,andthensaidtomewithascowl:'Whatmorehaveyougottobringforward?Ifanything,goonwithit.Whatdoyoulookatmefor?'Mr.Micawberpromptlyresumedhisletter,gladtoreverttoaperformancewithwhichhewassohighlysatisfied.'"Third.Andlast.Iamnowinaconditiontoshow,by-HEEP'S-falsebooks,and-HEEP'S-realmemoranda,beginningwiththe
partiallydestroyedpocket-book(whichIwasunabletocomprehend,atthetimeofitsaccidentaldiscoverybyMrs.Micawber,onourtakingpossessionofourpresentabode,inthelockerorbindevotedtothereceptionoftheashescalcinedonourdomestichearth),thattheweaknesses,thefaults,theveryvirtues,theparentalaffections,andthesenseofhonour,oftheunhappyMr.W.havebeenforyearsactedonby,andwarpedtothebasepurposesof-HEEP.ThatMr.W.hasbeenforyearsdeludedandplundered,ineveryconceivablemanner,tothepecuniaryaggrandisementoftheavaricious,false,andgrasping-HEEP.Thattheengrossingobjectof-HEEP-was,nexttogain,tosubdueMr.andMissW.(ofhisulteriorviewsinreferencetothelatterIsaynothing)entirelytohimself.Thathislastact,completedbutafewmonthssince,wastoinduceMr.W.toexecutearelinquishmentofhisshareinthepartnership,andevenabillofsaleontheveryfurnitureofhishouse,inconsiderationofacertainannuity,tobewellandtrulypaidby-HEEP-onthefourcommonquarter-daysineachandeveryyear.Thatthesemeshes;beginningwithalarmingandfalsifiedaccountsoftheestateofwhichMr.W.isthereceiver,ataperiodwhenMr.W.hadlaunchedintoimprudentandill-judgedspeculations,andmaynothavehadthemoney,forwhichhewasmorallyandlegallyresponsible,inhand;goingonwithpretendedborrowingsofmoneyatenormousinterest,reallycomingfrom-HEEP
-andby-HEEP-fraudulentlyobtainedorwithheldfromMr.W.himself,onpretenceofsuchspeculationsorotherwise;perpetuatedbyamiscellaneouscatalogueofunscrupulouschicaneries-graduallythickened,untiltheunhappyMr.W.couldseenoworldbeyond.Bankrupt,ashebelieved,alikeincircumstances,inallotherhope,andinhonour,hissolereliancewasuponthemonsterinthegarbofman,"'-Mr.Micawbermadeagooddealofthis,asanewturnofexpression,-'"who,bymakinghimselfnecessarytohim,hadachievedhisdestruction.AllthisIundertaketoshow.Probablymuchmore!"'IwhisperedafewwordstoAgnes,whowasweeping,halfjoyfully,halfsorrowfully,atmyside;andtherewasamovementamongus,asifMr.Micawberhadfinished.Hesaid,withexceedinggravity,'Pardonme,'andproceeded,withamixtureofthelowestspiritsandthemostintenseenjoyment,totheperorationofhisletter.'"Ihavenowconcluded.Itmerelyremainsformetosubstantiatetheseaccusations;andthen,withmyill-starredfamily,todisappearfromthelandscapeonwhichweappeartobeanencumbrance.Thatissoondone.Itmaybereasonablyinferredthatourbabywillfirstexpireofinanition,asbeingthefrailestmemberofourcircle;andthatourtwinswillfollownextinorder.
Sobeit!Formyself,myCanterburyPilgrimagehasdonemuch;imprisonmentoncivilprocess,andwant,willsoondomore.Itrustthatthelabourandhazardofaninvestigation-ofwhichthesmallestresultshavebeenslowlypiecedtogether,inthepressureofarduousavocations,undergrindingpenuriousapprehensions,atriseofmorn,atdewyeve,intheshadowsofnight,underthewatchfuleyeofonewhomitweresuperfluoustocallDemon-combinedwiththestruggleofparentalPovertytoturnit,whencompleted,totherightaccount,maybeasthesprinklingofafewdropsofsweetwateronmyfuneralpyre.Iasknomore.Letitbe,injustice,merelysaidofme,asofagallantandeminentnavalHero,withwhomIhavenopretensionstocope,thatwhatIhavedone,Idid,indespiteofmercenaryandselfishobjects,ForEngland,home,andBeauty.'"Remainingalways,&c.&c.,WILKINSMICAWBER."'Muchaffected,butstillintenselyenjoyinghimself,Mr.Micawberfoldeduphisletter,andhandeditwithabowtomyaunt,assomethingshemightliketokeep.
Therewas,asIhadnoticedonmyfirstvisitlongago,anironsafeintheroom.Thekeywasinit.AhastysuspicionseemedtostrikeUriah;and,withaglanceatMr.Micawber,hewenttoit,andthrewthedoorsclankingopen.Itwasempty.'Wherearethebooks?'hecried,withafrightfulface.'Somethiefhasstolenthebooks!'Mr.Micawbertappedhimselfwiththeruler.'Idid,whenIgotthekeyfromyouasusual-butalittleearlier-andopeneditthismorning.''Don'tbeuneasy,'saidTraddles.'Theyhavecomeintomypossession.Iwilltakecareofthem,undertheauthorityImentioned.''Youreceivestolengoods,doyou?'criedUriah.'Undersuchcircumstances,'answeredTraddles,'yes.'WhatwasmyastonishmentwhenIbeheldmyaunt,whohadbeenprofoundlyquietandattentive,makeadartatUriahHeep,andseizehimbythecollarwithbothhands!
'YouknowwhatIwant?'saidmyaunt.'Astrait-waistcoat,'saidhe.'No.Myproperty!'returnedmyaunt.'Agnes,mydear,aslongasIbelievedithadbeenreallymadeawaywithbyyourfather,Iwouldn't-and,mydear,Ididn't,eventoTrot,asheknows-breatheasyllableofitshavingbeenplacedhereforinvestment.But,nowIknowthisfellow'sanswerableforit,andI'llhaveit!Trot,comeandtakeitawayfromhim!'Whethermyauntsupposed,forthemoment,thathekeptherpropertyinhisneck-kerchief,IamsureIdon'tknow;butshecertainlypulledatitasifshethoughtso.Ihastenedtoputmyselfbetweenthem,andtoassureherthatwewouldalltakecarethatheshouldmaketheutmostrestitutionofeverythinghehadwronglygot.This,andafewmoments'reflection,pacifiedher;butshewasnotatalldisconcertedbywhatshehaddone(thoughIcannotsayasmuchforherbonnet)andresumedherseatcomposedly.Duringthelastfewminutes,Mrs.Heephadbeenclamouringtohersontobe'umble';andhadbeengoingdownonherkneestoallof
usinsuccession,andmakingthewildestpromises.Hersonsatherdowninhischair;and,standingsulkilybyher,holdingherarmwithhishand,butnotrudely,saidtome,withaferociouslook:'Whatdoyouwantdone?''Iwilltellyouwhatmustbedone,'saidTraddles.'HasthatCopperfieldnotongue?'mutteredUriah,'Iwoulddoagooddealforyouifyoucouldtellme,withoutlying,thatsomebodyhadcutitout.''MyUriahmeanstobeumble!'criedhismother.'Don'tmindwhathesays,goodgentlemen!''Whatmustbedone,'saidTraddles,'isthis.First,thedeedofrelinquishment,thatwehaveheardof,mustbegivenovertomenow-here.''SupposeIhaven'tgotit,'heinterrupted.'Butyouhave,'saidTraddles;'therefore,youknow,wewon'tsupposeso.'AndIcannothelpavowingthatthiswasthefirst
occasiononwhichIreallydidjusticetotheclearhead,andtheplain,patient,practicalgoodsense,ofmyoldschoolfellow.'Then,'saidTraddles,'youmustpreparetodisgorgeallthatyourrapacityhasbecomepossessedof,andtomakerestorationtothelastfarthing.Allthepartnershipbooksandpapersmustremaininourpossession;allyourbooksandpapers;allmoneyaccountsandsecurities,ofbothkinds.Inshort,everythinghere.''Mustit?Idon'tknowthat,'saidUriah.'Imusthavetimetothinkaboutthat.''Certainly,'repliedTraddles;'but,inthemeanwhile,anduntileverythingisdonetooursatisfaction,weshallmaintainpossessionofthesethings;andbegyou-inshort,compelyou-tokeeptoyourownroom,andholdnocommunicationwithanyone.''Iwon'tdoit!'saidUriah,withanoath.'Maidstonejailisasaferplaceofdetention,'observedTraddles;'andthoughthelawmaybelongerinrightingus,andmaynotbeabletorightussocompletelyasyoucan,thereisnodoubtofitspunishingYOU.Dearme,youknowthatquiteaswellasI!Copperfield,willyougoroundtotheGuildhall,andbringacouple
ofofficers?'Here,Mrs.Heepbrokeoutagain,cryingonherkneestoAgnestointerfereintheirbehalf,exclaimingthathewasveryhumble,anditwasalltrue,andifhedidn'tdowhatwewanted,shewould,andmuchmoretothesamepurpose;beinghalffranticwithfearsforherdarling.Toinquirewhathemighthavedone,ifhehadhadanyboldness,wouldbelikeinquiringwhatamongrelcurmightdo,ifithadthespiritofatiger.Hewasacoward,fromheadtofoot;andshowedhisdastardlynaturethroughhissullennessandmortification,asmuchasatanytimeofhismeanlife.'Stop!'hegrowledtome;andwipedhishotfacewithhishand.'Mother,holdyournoise.Well!Let'emhavethatdeed.Goandfetchit!''Doyouhelpher,Mr.Dick,'saidTraddles,'ifyouplease.'Proudofhiscommission,andunderstandingit,Mr.Dickaccompaniedherasashepherd'sdogmightaccompanyasheep.But,Mrs.Heepgavehimlittletrouble;forshenotonlyreturnedwiththedeed,butwiththeboxinwhichitwas,wherewefoundabanker'sbookandsomeotherpapersthatwereafterwardsserviceable.
'Good!'saidTraddles,whenthiswasbrought.'Now,Mr.Heep,youcanretiretothink:particularlyobserving,ifyouplease,thatIdeclaretoyou,onthepartofallpresent,thatthereisonlyonethingtobedone;thatitiswhatIhaveexplained;andthatitmustbedonewithoutdelay.'Uriah,withoutliftinghiseyesfromtheground,shuffledacrosstheroomwithhishandtohischin,andpausingatthedoor,said:'Copperfield,Ihavealwayshatedyou.You'vealwaysbeenanupstart,andyou'vealwaysbeenagainstme.''AsIthinkItoldyouoncebefore,'saidI,'itisyouwhohavebeen,inyourgreedandcunning,againstalltheworld.Itmaybeprofitabletoyoutoreflect,infuture,thatthereneverweregreedandcunningintheworldyet,thatdidnotdotoomuch,andoverreachthemselves.Itisascertainasdeath.''Orascertainastheyusedtoteachatschool(thesameschoolwhereIpickedupsomuchumbleness),fromnineo'clocktoeleven,thatlabourwasacurse;andfromeleveno'clocktoone,thatitwasablessingandacheerfulness,andadignity,andIdon'tknow
whatall,eh?'saidhewithasneer.'Youpreach,aboutasconsistentastheydid.Won'tumblenessgodown?Ishouldn'thavegotroundmygentlemanfellow-partnerwithoutit,Ithink.-Micawber,youoldbully,I'llpayYOU!'Mr.Micawber,supremelydefiantofhimandhisextendedfinger,andmakingagreatdealofhischestuntilhehadslunkoutatthedoor,thenaddressedhimselftome,andprofferedmethesatisfactionof'witnessingthere-establishmentofmutualconfidencebetweenhimselfandMrs.Micawber'.Afterwhich,heinvitedthecompanygenerallytothecontemplationofthataffectingspectacle.'TheveilthathaslongbeeninterposedbetweenMrs.Micawberandmyself,isnowwithdrawn,'saidMr.Micawber;'andmychildrenandtheAuthoroftheirBeingcanoncemorecomeincontactonequalterms.'Aswewereallverygratefultohim,andalldesiroustoshowthatwewere,aswellasthehurryanddisorderofourspiritswouldpermit,Idaresayweshouldallhavegone,butthatitwasnecessaryforAgnestoreturntoherfather,asyetunabletobearmorethanthedawnofhope;andforsomeoneelsetoholdUriahin
safekeeping.So,Traddlesremainedforthelatterpurpose,tobepresentlyrelievedbyMr.Dick;andMr.Dick,myaunt,andI,wenthomewithMr.Micawber.AsIpartedhurriedlyfromthedeargirltowhomIowedsomuch,andthoughtfromwhatshehadbeensaved,perhaps,thatmorning-herbetterresolutionnotwithstanding-IfeltdevoutlythankfulforthemiseriesofmyyoungerdayswhichhadbroughtmetotheknowledgeofMr.Micawber.Hishousewasnotfaroff;andasthestreetdooropenedintothesitting-room,andheboltedinwithaprecipitationquitehisown,wefoundourselvesatonceinthebosomofthefamily.Mr.Micawberexclaiming,'Emma!mylife!'rushedintoMrs.Micawber'sarms.Mrs.Micawbershrieked,andfoldedMr.Micawberinherembrace.MissMicawber,nursingtheunconsciousstrangerofMrs.Micawber'slastlettertome,wassensiblyaffected.Thestrangerleaped.Thetwinstestifiedtheirjoybyseveralinconvenientbutinnocentdemonstrations.MasterMicawber,whosedispositionappearedtohavebeensouredbyearlydisappointment,andwhoseaspecthadbecomemorose,yieldedtohisbetterfeelings,andblubbered.'Emma!'saidMr.Micawber.'Thecloudispastfrommymind.Mutualconfidence,solongpreservedbetweenusonce,isrestored,
toknownofurtherinterruption.Now,welcomepoverty!'criedMr.Micawber,sheddingtears.'Welcomemisery,welcomehouselessness,welcomehunger,rags,tempest,andbeggary!Mutualconfidencewillsustainustotheend!'Withtheseexpressions,Mr.MicawberplacedMrs.Micawberinachair,andembracedthefamilyallround;welcomingavarietyofbleakprospects,whichappeared,tothebestofmyjudgement,tobeanythingbutwelcometothem;andcallinguponthemtocomeoutintoCanterburyandsingachorus,asnothingelsewasleftfortheirsupport.ButMrs.Micawberhaving,inthestrengthofheremotions,faintedaway,thefirstthingtobedone,evenbeforethechoruscouldbeconsideredcomplete,wastorecoverher.ThismyauntandMr.Micawberdid;andthenmyauntwasintroduced,andMrs.Micawberrecognizedme.'Excuseme,dearMr.Copperfield,'saidthepoorlady,givingmeherhand,'butIamnotstrong;andtheremovalofthelatemisunderstandingbetweenMr.Micawberandmyselfwasatfirsttoomuchforme.'
'Isthisallyourfamily,ma'am?'saidmyaunt.'Therearenomoreatpresent,'returnedMrs.Micawber.'Goodgracious,Ididn'tmeanthat,ma'am,'saidmyaunt.'Imean,arealltheseyours?''Madam,'repliedMr.Micawber,'itisatruebill.''Andthateldestyounggentleman,now,'saidmyaunt,musing,'whathashebeenbroughtupto?''ItwasmyhopewhenIcamehere,'saidMr.Micawber,'tohavegotWilkinsintotheChurch:orperhapsIshallexpressmymeaningmorestrictly,ifIsaytheChoir.ButtherewasnovacancyforatenorinthevenerablePileforwhichthiscityissojustlyeminent;andhehas-inshort,hehascontractedahabitofsinginginpublic-houses,ratherthaninsacrededifices.''Buthemeanswell,'saidMrs.Micawber,tenderly.'Idaresay,mylove,'rejoinedMr.Micawber,'thathemeansparticularlywell;butIhavenotyetfoundthathecarriesouthis
meaning,inanygivendirectionwhatsoever.'MasterMicawber'smorosenessofaspectreturneduponhimagain,andhedemanded,withsometemper,whathewastodo?Whetherhehadbeenbornacarpenter,oracoach-painter,anymorethanhehadbeenbornabird?Whetherhecouldgointothenextstreet,andopenachemist'sshop?Whetherhecouldrushtothenextassizes,andproclaimhimselfalawyer?Whetherhecouldcomeoutbyforceattheopera,andsucceedbyviolence?Whetherhecoulddoanything,withoutbeingbroughtuptosomething?Myauntmusedalittlewhile,andthensaid:'Mr.Micawber,Iwonderyouhaveneverturnedyourthoughtstoemigration.''Madam,'returnedMr.Micawber,'itwasthedreamofmyyouth,andthefallaciousaspirationofmyriperyears.'Iamthoroughlypersuaded,bytheby,thathehadneverthoughtofitinhislife.'Aye?'saidmyaunt,withaglanceatme.'Why,whatathingitwouldbeforyourselvesandyourfamily,Mr.andMrs.Micawber,ifyouweretoemigratenow.'
'Capital,madam,capital,'urgedMr.Micawber,gloomily.'Thatistheprincipal,Imaysaytheonlydifficulty,mydearMr.Copperfield,'assentedhiswife.'Capital?'criedmyaunt.'Butyouaredoingusagreatservice-havedoneusagreatservice,Imaysay,forsurelymuchwillcomeoutofthefire-andwhatcouldwedoforyou,thatwouldbehalfsogoodastofindthecapital?''Icouldnotreceiveitasagift,'saidMr.Micawber,fulloffireandanimation,'butifasufficientsumcouldbeadvanced,sayatfivepercentinterest,perannum,uponmypersonalliability-saymynotesofhand,attwelve,eighteen,andtwenty-fourmonths,respectively,toallowtimeforsomethingtoturnup-''Couldbe?Canbeandshallbe,onyourownterms,'returnedmyaunt,'ifyousaytheword.Thinkofthisnow,bothofyou.HerearesomepeopleDavidknows,goingouttoAustraliashortly.Ifyoudecidetogo,whyshouldn'tyougointhesameship?Youmayhelpeachother.Thinkofthisnow,Mr.andMrs.Micawber.Takeyourtime,andweighitwell.'
'Thereisbutonequestion,mydearma'am,Icouldwishtoask,'saidMrs.Micawber.'Theclimate,Ibelieve,ishealthy?''Finestintheworld!'saidmyaunt.'Justso,'returnedMrs.Micawber.'Thenmyquestionarises.Now,arethecircumstancesofthecountrysuch,thatamanofMr.Micawber'sabilitieswouldhaveafairchanceofrisinginthesocialscale?Iwillnotsay,atpresent,mightheaspiretobeGovernor,oranythingofthatsort;butwouldtherebeareasonableopeningforhistalentstodevelopthemselves-thatwouldbeamplysufficient-andfindtheirownexpansion?''Nobetteropeninganywhere,'saidmyaunt,'foramanwhoconductshimselfwell,andisindustrious.''Foramanwhoconductshimselfwell,'repeatedMrs.Micawber,withherclearestbusinessmanner,'andisindustrious.Precisely.ItisevidenttomethatAustraliaisthelegitimatesphereofactionforMr.Micawber!''Ientertaintheconviction,mydearmadam,'saidMr.Micawber,
'thatitis,underexistingcircumstances,theland,theonlyland,formyselfandfamily;andthatsomethingofanextraordinarynaturewillturnuponthatshore.Itisnodistance-comparativelyspeaking;andthoughconsiderationisduetothekindnessofyourproposal,Iassureyouthatisamerematterofform.'ShallIeverforgethow,inamoment,hewasthemostsanguineofmen,lookingontofortune;orhowMrs.Micawberpresentlydiscoursedaboutthehabitsofthekangaroo!ShallIeverrecallthatstreetofCanterburyonamarket-day,withoutrecallinghim,ashewalkedbackwithus;expressing,inthehardyrovingmannerheassumed,theunsettledhabitsofatemporarysojournerintheland;andlookingatthebullocks,astheycameby,withtheeyeofanAustralianfarmer!CHAPTER53ANOTHERRETROSPECTImustpauseyetonceagain.O,mychild-wife,thereisafigureinthemovingcrowdbeforemymemory,quietandstill,sayingin
itsinnocentloveandchildishbeauty,Stoptothinkofme-turntolookupontheLittleBlossom,asitflutterstotheground!Ido.Allelsegrowsdim,andfadesaway.IamagainwithDora,inourcottage.Idonotknowhowlongshehasbeenill.Iamsousedtoitinfeeling,thatIcannotcountthetime.Itisnotreallylong,inweeksormonths;but,inmyusageandexperience,itisaweary,wearywhile.Theyhaveleftofftellingmeto'waitafewdaysmore'.Ihavebeguntofear,remotely,thatthedaymaynevershine,whenIshallseemychild-wiferunninginthesunlightwithheroldfriendJip.Heis,asitweresuddenly,grownveryold.Itmaybethathemissesinhismistress,somethingthatenlivenedhimandmadehimyounger;buthemopes,andhissightisweak,andhislimbsarefeeble,andmyauntissorrythatheobjectstohernomore,butcreepsnearherasheliesonDora'sbed-shesittingatthebedside-andmildlylicksherhand.Doraliessmilingonus,andisbeautiful,anduttersnohastyorcomplainingword.Shesaysthatweareverygoodtoher;thatherdearoldcarefulboyistiringhimselfout,sheknows;thatmyaunt
hasnosleep,yetisalwayswakeful,active,andkind.Sometimes,thelittlebird-likeladiescometoseeher;andthenwetalkaboutourwedding-day,andallthathappytime.Whatastrangerestandpauseinmylifethereseemstobe-andinalllife,withindoorsandwithout-whenIsitinthequiet,shaded,orderlyroom,withtheblueeyesofmychild-wifeturnedtowardsme,andherlittlefingerstwiningroundmyhand!ManyandmanyanhourIsitthus;but,ofallthosetimes,threetimescomethefreshestonmymind.Itismorning;andDora,madesotrimbymyaunt'shands,showsmehowherprettyhairwillcurluponthepillowyet,anhowlongandbrightitis,andhowshelikestohaveitlooselygatheredinthatnetshewears.'NotthatIamvainofit,now,youmockingboy,'shesays,whenIsmile;'butbecauseyouusedtosayyouthoughtitsobeautiful;andbecause,whenIfirstbegantothinkaboutyou,Iusedtopeepintheglass,andwonderwhetheryouwouldlikeverymuchtohavealockofit.Ohwhatafoolishfellowyouwere,Doady,whenIgaveyouone!'
'ThatwasonthedaywhenyouwerepaintingtheflowersIhadgivenyou,Dora,andwhenItoldyouhowmuchinloveIwas.''Ah!butIdidn'tliketotellyou,'saysDora,'then,howIhadcriedoverthem,becauseIbelievedyoureallylikedme!WhenIcanrunaboutagainasIusedtodo,Doady,letusgoandseethoseplaceswhereweweresuchasillycouple,shallwe?Andtakesomeoftheoldwalks?Andnotforgetpoorpapa?''Yes,wewill,andhavesomehappydays.Soyoumustmakehastetogetwell,mydear.''Oh,Ishallsoondothat!Iamsomuchbetter,youdon'tknow!'Itisevening;andIsitinthesamechair,bythesamebed,withthesamefaceturnedtowardsme.Wehavebeensilent,andthereisasmileuponherface.Ihaveceasedtocarrymylightburdenupanddownstairsnow.Sheliesherealltheday.'Doady!'
'MydearDora!''Youwon'tthinkwhatIamgoingtosay,unreasonable,afterwhatyoutoldme,suchalittlewhileago,ofMr.Wickfield'snotbeingwell?IwanttoseeAgnes.VerymuchIwanttoseeher.''Iwillwritetoher,mydear.''Willyou?''Directly.''Whatagood,kindboy!Doady,takemeonyourarm.Indeed,mydear,it'snotawhim.It'snotafoolishfancy.Iwant,verymuchindeed,toseeher!''Iamcertainofit.Ihaveonlytotellherso,andsheissuretocome.''Youareverylonelywhenyougodownstairs,now?'Dorawhispers,withherarmaboutmyneck.'HowcanIbeotherwise,myownlove,whenIseeyouremptychair?'
'Myemptychair!'Sheclingstomeforalittlewhile,insilence.'Andyoureallymissme,Doady?'lookingup,andbrightlysmiling.'Evenpoor,giddy,stupidme?''Myheart,whoisthereuponearththatIcouldmisssomuch?''Oh,husband!Iamsoglad,yetsosorry!'creepingclosertome,andfoldingmeinbothherarms.Shelaughsandsobs,andthenisquiet,andquitehappy.'Quite!'shesays.'OnlygiveAgnesmydearlove,andtellherthatIwantvery,very,muchtoseeher;andIhavenothinglefttowishfor.''Excepttogetwellagain,Dora.''Ah,Doady!SometimesIthink-youknowIalwayswasasillylittlething!-thatthatwillneverbe!''Don'tsayso,Dora!Dearestlove,don'tthinkso!''Iwon't,ifIcanhelpit,Doady.ButIamveryhappy;thoughmy
dearboyissolonelybyhimself,beforehischild-wife'semptychair!'Itisnight;andIamwithherstill.Agneshasarrived;hasbeenamongusforawholedayandanevening.She,myaunt,andI,havesatwithDorasincethemorning,alltogether.Wehavenottalkedmuch,butDorahasbeenperfectlycontentedandcheerful.Wearenowalone.DoIknow,now,thatmychild-wifewillsoonleaveme?Theyhavetoldmeso;theyhavetoldmenothingnewtomythoughts-butIamfarfromsurethatIhavetakenthattruthtoheart.Icannotmasterit.Ihavewithdrawnbymyself,manytimestoday,toweep.IhaverememberedWhoweptforapartingbetweenthelivingandthedead.Ihavebethoughtmeofallthatgraciousandcompassionatehistory.Ihavetriedtoresignmyself,andtoconsolemyself;andthat,Ihope,Imayhavedoneimperfectly;butwhatIcannotfirmlysettleinmymindis,thattheendwillabsolutelycome.Iholdherhandinmine,Iholdherheartinmine,Iseeherloveforme,aliveinallitsstrength.Icannotshutoutapalelingeringshadowofbeliefthatshewillbespared.
'Iamgoingtospeaktoyou,Doady.IamgoingtosaysomethingIhaveoftenthoughtofsaying,lately.Youwon'tmind?'withagentlelook.'Mind,mydarling?''BecauseIdon'tknowwhatyouwillthink,orwhatyoumayhavethoughtsometimes.Perhapsyouhaveoftenthoughtthesame.Doady,dear,IamafraidIwastooyoung.'Ilaymyfaceuponthepillowbyher,andshelooksintomyeyes,andspeaksverysoftly.Gradually,asshegoeson,Ifeel,withastrickenheart,thatsheisspeakingofherselfaspast.'Iamafraid,dear,Iwastooyoung.Idon'tmeaninyearsonly,butinexperience,andthoughts,andeverything.Iwassuchasillylittlecreature!Iamafraiditwouldhavebeenbetter,ifwehadonlylovedeachotherasaboyandgirl,andforgottenit.IhavebeguntothinkIwasnotfittobeawife.'Itrytostaymytears,andtoreply,'Oh,Dora,love,asfitasItobeahusband!'
'Idon'tknow,'withtheoldshakeofhercurls.'Perhaps!ButifIhadbeenmorefittobemarriedImighthavemadeyoumoreso,too.Besides,youareveryclever,andIneverwas.''Wehavebeenveryhappy,mysweetDora.''Iwasveryhappy,very.But,asyearswenton,mydearboywouldhaveweariedofhischild-wife.Shewouldhavebeenlessandlessacompanionforhim.Hewouldhavebeenmoreandmoresensibleofwhatwaswantinginhishome.Shewouldn'thaveimproved.Itisbetterasitis.''Oh,Dora,dearest,dearest,donotspeaktomeso.Everywordseemsareproach!''No,notasyllable!'sheanswers,kissingme.'Oh,mydear,youneverdeservedit,andIlovedyoufartoowelltosayareproachfulwordtoyou,inearnest-itwasallthemeritIhad,exceptbeingpretty-oryouthoughtmeso.Isitlonely,down-stairs,Doady?''Very!Very!'
'Don'tcry!Ismychairthere?''Initsoldplace.''Oh,howmypoorboycries!Hush,hush!Now,makemeonepromise.IwanttospeaktoAgnes.Whenyougodownstairs,tellAgnesso,andsendheruptome;andwhileIspeaktoher,letnoonecome-notevenaunt.IwanttospeaktoAgnesbyherself.IwanttospeaktoAgnes,quitealone.'Ipromisethatsheshall,immediately;butIcannotleaveher,formygrief.'Isaidthatitwasbetterasitis!'shewhispers,assheholdsmeinherarms.'Oh,Doady,aftermoreyears,younevercouldhavelovedyourchild-wifebetterthanyoudo;and,aftermoreyears,shewouldsohavetriedanddisappointedyou,thatyoumightnothavebeenabletoloveherhalfsowell!IknowIwastooyoungandfoolish.Itismuchbetterasitis!'Agnesisdownstairs,whenIgointotheparlour;andIgiveherthemessage.Shedisappears,leavingmealonewithJip.
HisChinesehouseisbythefire;andhelieswithinit,onhisbedofflannel,querulouslytryingtosleep.Thebrightmoonishighandclear.AsIlookoutonthenight,mytearsfallfast,andmyundisciplinedheartischastenedheavily-heavily.Isitdownbythefire,thinkingwithablindremorseofallthosesecretfeelingsIhavenourishedsincemymarriage.IthinkofeverylittletriflebetweenmeandDora,andfeelthetruth,thattriflesmakethesumoflife.Everrisingfromtheseaofmyremembrance,istheimageofthedearchildasIknewherfirst,gracedbymyyounglove,andbyherown,witheveryfascinationwhereinsuchloveisrich.Wouldit,indeed,havebeenbetterifwehadlovedeachotherasaboyandagirl,andforgottenit?Undisciplinedheart,reply!Howthetimewears,Iknownot;untilIamrecalledbymychild-wife'soldcompanion.Morerestlessthanhewas,hecrawlsoutofhishouse,andlooksatme,andwanderstothedoor,andwhinestogoupstairs.'Nottonight,Jip!Nottonight!'Hecomesveryslowlybacktome,licksmyhand,andliftshisdim
eyestomyface.'Oh,Jip!Itmaybe,neveragain!'Heliesdownatmyfeet,stretcheshimselfoutasiftosleep,andwithaplaintivecry,isdead.'Oh,Agnes!Look,look,here!'-Thatface,sofullofpity,andofgrief,thatrainoftears,thatawfulmuteappealtome,thatsolemnhandupraisedtowardsHeaven!'Agnes?'Itisover.Darknesscomesbeforemyeyes;and,foratime,allthingsareblottedoutofmyremembrance.CHAPTER54Mr.MICAWBER'STRANSACTIONS
ThisisnotthetimeatwhichIamtoenteronthestateofmymindbeneathitsloadofsorrow.IcametothinkthattheFuturewaswalledupbeforeme,thattheenergyandactionofmylifewereatanend,thatInevercouldfindanyrefugebutinthegrave.Icametothinkso,Isay,butnotinthefirstshockofmygrief.Itslowlygrewtothat.IftheeventsIgoontorelate,hadnotthickenedaroundme,inthebeginningtoconfuse,andintheendtoaugment,myaffliction,itispossible(thoughIthinknotprobable),thatImighthavefallenatonceintothiscondition.Asitwas,anintervaloccurredbeforeIfullyknewmyowndistress;aninterval,inwhichIevensupposedthatitssharpestpangswerepast;andwhenmymindcouldsootheitselfbyrestingonallthatwasmostinnocentandbeautiful,inthetenderstorythatwasclosedforever.WhenitwasfirstproposedthatIshouldgoabroad,orhowitcametobeagreedamongusthatIwastoseektherestorationofmypeaceinchangeandtravel,Idonot,evennow,distinctlyknow.ThespiritofAgnessopervadedallwethought,andsaid,anddid,inthattimeofsorrow,thatIassumeImayrefertheprojecttoherinfluence.ButherinfluencewassoquietthatIknownomore.Andnow,indeed,Ibegantothinkthatinmyoldassociationofher
withthestained-glasswindowinthechurch,apropheticforeshadowingofwhatshewouldbetome,inthecalamitythatwastohappeninthefullnessoftime,hadfoundawayintomymind.Inallthatsorrow,fromthemoment,nevertobeforgotten,whenshestoodbeforemewithherupraisedhand,shewaslikeasacredpresenceinmylonelyhouse.WhentheAngelofDeathalightedthere,mychild-wifefellasleep-theytoldmesowhenIcouldbeartohearit-onherbosom,withasmile.Frommyswoon,Ifirstawoketoaconsciousnessofhercompassionatetears,herwordsofhopeandpeace,hergentlefacebendingdownasfromapurerregionnearerHeaven,overmyundisciplinedheart,andsofteningitspain.Letmegoon.Iwastogoabroad.Thatseemedtohavebeendeterminedamongusfromthefirst.Thegroundnowcoveringallthatcouldperishofmydepartedwife,IwaitedonlyforwhatMr.Micawbercalledthe'finalpulverizationofHeep';andforthedepartureoftheemigrants.AttherequestofTraddles,mostaffectionateanddevotedoffriendsinmytrouble,wereturnedtoCanterbury:Imeanmyaunt,
Agnes,andI.WeproceededbyappointmentstraighttoMr.Micawber'shouse;where,andatMr.Wickfield's,myfriendhadbeenlabouringeversinceourexplosivemeeting.WhenpoorMrs.Micawbersawmecomein,inmyblackclothes,shewassensiblyaffected.TherewasagreatdealofgoodinMrs.Micawber'sheart,whichhadnotbeendunnedoutofitinallthosemanyyears.'Well,Mr.andMrs.Micawber,'wasmyaunt'sfirstsalutationafterwewereseated.'Pray,haveyouthoughtaboutthatemigrationproposalofmine?''Mydearmadam,'returnedMr.Micawber,'perhapsIcannotbetterexpresstheconclusionatwhichMrs.Micawber,yourhumbleservant,andImayaddourchildren,havejointlyandseverallyarrived,thanbyborrowingthelanguageofanillustriouspoet,toreplythatourBoatisontheshore,andourBarkisonthesea.''That'sright,'saidmyaunt.'Iaugurallsortofgoodfromyoursensibledecision.''Madam,youdousagreatdealofhonour,'herejoined.Hethenreferredtoamemorandum.'Withrespecttothepecuniaryassistanceenablingustolaunchourfrailcanoeontheoceanof
enterprise,Ihavereconsideredthatimportantbusiness-point;andwouldbegtoproposemynotesofhand-drawn,itisneedlesstostipulate,onstampsoftheamountsrespectivelyrequiredbythevariousActsofParliamentapplyingtosuchsecurities-ateighteen,twenty-four,andthirtymonths.ThepropositionIoriginallysubmitted,wastwelve,eighteen,andtwenty-four;butIamapprehensivethatsuchanarrangementmightnotallowsufficienttimefortherequisiteamountof-Something-toturnup.Wemightnot,'saidMr.Micawber,lookingroundtheroomasifitrepresentedseveralhundredacresofhighlycultivatedland,'onthefirstresponsibilitybecomingdue,havebeensuccessfulinourharvest,orwemightnothavegotourharvestin.Labour,Ibelieve,issometimesdifficulttoobtaininthatportionofourcolonialpossessionswhereitwillbeourlottocombatwiththeteemingsoil.''Arrangeitinanywayyouplease,sir,'saidmyaunt.'Madam,'hereplied,'Mrs.Micawberandmyselfaredeeplysensibleoftheveryconsideratekindnessofourfriendsandpatrons.WhatIwishis,tobeperfectlybusiness-like,andperfectlypunctual.Turningover,asweareabouttoturnover,anentirelynewleaf;andfallingback,aswearenowintheactoffallingback,fora
Springofnocommonmagnitude;itisimportanttomysenseofself-respect,besidesbeinganexampletomyson,thatthesearrangementsshouldbeconcludedasbetweenmanandman.'Idon'tknowthatMr.Micawberattachedanymeaningtothislastphrase;Idon'tknowthatanybodyeverdoes,ordid;butheappearedtorelishituncommonly,andrepeated,withanimpressivecough,'asbetweenmanandman'.'Ipropose,'saidMr.Micawber,'Bills-aconveniencetothemercantileworld,forwhich,Ibelieve,weareoriginallyindebtedtotheJews,whoappeartometohavehadadevilishdealtoomuchtodowiththemeversince-becausetheyarenegotiable.ButifaBond,oranyotherdescriptionofsecurity,wouldbepreferred,Ishouldbehappytoexecuteanysuchinstrument.Asbetweenmanandman.'MYauntobserved,thatinacasewherebothpartieswerewillingtoagreetoanything,shetookitforgrantedtherewouldbenodifficultyinsettlingthispoint.Mr.Micawberwasofheropinion.'Inreferencetoourdomesticpreparations,madam,'saidMr.
Micawber,withsomepride,'formeetingthedestinytowhichwearenowunderstoodtobeself-devoted,Ibegtoreportthem.Myeldestdaughterattendsatfiveeverymorninginaneighbouringestablishment,toacquiretheprocess-ifprocessitmaybecalled-ofmilkingcows.Myyoungerchildrenareinstructedtoobserve,ascloselyascircumstanceswillpermit,thehabitsofthepigsandpoultrymaintainedinthepoorerpartsofthiscity:apursuitfromwhichtheyhave,ontwooccasions,beenbroughthome,withinaninchofbeingrunover.Ihavemyselfdirectedsomeattention,duringthepastweek,totheartofbaking;andmysonWilkinshasissuedforthwithawalking-stickanddrivencattle,whenpermitted,bytheruggedhirelingswhohadthemincharge,torenderanyvoluntaryserviceinthatdirection-whichIregrettosay,forthecreditofournature,wasnotoften;hebeinggenerallywarned,withimprecations,todesist.''Allveryrightindeed,'saidmyaunt,encouragingly.'Mrs.Micawberhasbeenbusy,too,Ihavenodoubt.''Mydearmadam,'returnedMrs.Micawber,withherbusiness-likeair.'IamfreetoconfessthatIhavenotbeenactivelyengagedinpursuitsimmediatelyconnectedwithcultivationorwithstock,thoughwellawarethatbothwillclaimmyattentiononaforeign
shore.SuchopportunitiesasIhavebeenenabledtoalienatefrommydomesticduties,Ihavedevotedtocorrespondingatsomelengthwithmyfamily.ForIownitseemstome,mydearMr.Copperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,whoalwaysfellbackonme,Isupposefromoldhabit,towhomsoeverelseshemightaddressherdiscourseatstarting,'thatthetimeiscomewhenthepastshouldbeburiedinoblivion;whenmyfamilyshouldtakeMr.Micawberbythehand,andMr.Micawbershouldtakemyfamilybythehand;whenthelionshouldliedownwiththelamb,andmyfamilybeontermswithMr.Micawber.'IsaidIthoughtsotoo.'This,atleast,isthelight,mydearMr.Copperfield,'pursuedMrs.Micawber,'inwhichIviewthesubject.WhenIlivedathomewithmypapaandmama,mypapawasaccustomedtoask,whenanypointwasunderdiscussioninourlimitedcircle,"InwhatlightdoesmyEmmaviewthesubject?"Thatmypapawastoopartial,Iknow;still,onsuchapointasthefrigidcoldnesswhichhaseversubsistedbetweenMr.Micawberandmyfamily,Inecessarilyhaveformedanopinion,delusivethoughitmaybe.''Nodoubt.Ofcourseyouhave,ma'am,'saidmyaunt.
'Preciselyso,'assentedMrs.Micawber.'Now,Imaybewronginmyconclusions;itisverylikelythatIam,butmyindividualimpressionis,thatthegulfbetweenmyfamilyandMr.Micawbermaybetracedtoanapprehension,onthepartofmyfamily,thatMr.Micawberwouldrequirepecuniaryaccommodation.Icannothelpthinking,'saidMrs.Micawber,withanairofdeepsagacity,'thattherearemembersofmyfamilywhohavebeenapprehensivethatMr.Micawberwouldsolicitthemfortheirnames.-IdonotmeantobeconferredinBaptismuponourchildren,buttobeinscribedonBillsofExchange,andnegotiatedintheMoneyMarket.'ThelookofpenetrationwithwhichMrs.Micawberannouncedthisdiscovery,asifnoonehadeverthoughtofitbefore,seemedrathertoastonishmyaunt;whoabruptlyreplied,'Well,ma'am,uponthewhole,Ishouldn'twonderifyouwereright!''Mr.Micawberbeingnowontheeveofcastingoffthepecuniaryshacklesthathavesolongenthralledhim,'saidMrs.Micawber,'andofcommencinganewcareerinacountrywherethereissufficientrangeforhisabilities,-which,inmyopinion,isexceedinglyimportant;Mr.Micawber'sabilitiespeculiarlyrequiringspace,-itseemstomethatmyfamilyshouldsignalize
theoccasionbycomingforward.WhatIcouldwishtosee,wouldbeameetingbetweenMr.Micawberandmyfamilyatafestiveentertainment,tobegivenatmyfamily'sexpense;whereMr.Micawber'shealthandprosperitybeingproposed,bysomeleadingmemberofmyfamily,Mr.Micawbermighthaveanopportunityofdevelopinghisviews.''Mydear,'saidMr.Micawber,withsomeheat,'itmaybebetterformetostatedistinctly,atonce,thatifIweretodevelopmyviewstothatassembledgroup,theywouldpossiblybefoundofanoffensivenature:myimpressionbeingthatyourfamilyare,intheaggregate,impertinentSnobs;and,indetail,unmitigatedRuffians.''Micawber,'saidMrs.Micawber,shakingherhead,'no!Youhaveneverunderstoodthem,andtheyhaveneverunderstoodyou.'Mr.Micawbercoughed.'Theyhaveneverunderstoodyou,Micawber,'saidhiswife.'Theymaybeincapableofit.Ifso,thatistheirmisfortune.Icanpitytheirmisfortune.'
'Iamextremelysorry,mydearEmma,'saidMr.Micawber,relenting,'tohavebeenbetrayedintoanyexpressionsthatmight,evenremotely,havetheappearanceofbeingstrongexpressions.AllIwouldsayis,thatIcangoabroadwithoutyourfamilycomingforwardtofavourme,-inshort,withapartingShoveoftheircoldshoulders;andthat,uponthewhole,IwouldratherleaveEnglandwithsuchimpetusasIpossess,thanderiveanyaccelerationofitfromthatquarter.Atthesametime,mydear,iftheyshouldcondescendtoreplytoyourcommunications-whichourjointexperiencerendersmostimprobable-farbeitfrommetobeabarriertoyourwishes.'Thematterbeingthusamicablysettled,Mr.MicawbergaveMrs.Micawberhisarm,andglancingattheheapofbooksandpaperslyingbeforeTraddlesonthetable,saidtheywouldleaveustoourselves;whichtheyceremoniouslydid.'MydearCopperfield,'saidTraddles,leaningbackinhischairwhentheyweregone,andlookingatmewithanaffectionthatmadehiseyesred,andhishairallkindsofshapes,'Idon'tmakeanyexcusefortroublingyouwithbusiness,becauseIknowyouaredeeplyinterestedinit,anditmaydivertyourthoughts.Mydearboy,Ihopeyouarenotwornout?'
'Iamquitemyself,'saidI,afterapause.'Wehavemorecausetothinkofmyauntthanofanyone.Youknowhowmuchshehasdone.''Surely,surely,'answeredTraddles.'Whocanforgetit!''Buteventhatisnotall,'saidI.'Duringthelastfortnight,somenewtroublehasvexedher;andshehasbeeninandoutofLondoneveryday.Severaltimesshehasgoneoutearly,andbeenabsentuntilevening.Lastnight,Traddles,withthisjourneybeforeher,itwasalmostmidnightbeforeshecamehome.Youknowwhatherconsiderationforothersis.Shewillnottellmewhathashappenedtodistressher.'Myaunt,verypale,andwithdeeplinesinherface,satimmovableuntilIhadfinished;whensomestraytearsfoundtheirwaytohercheeks,andsheputherhandonmine.'It'snothing,Trot;it'snothing.Therewillbenomoreofit.Youshallknowbyandby.NowAgnes,mydear,letusattendtotheseaffairs.''ImustdoMr.Micawberthejusticetosay,'Traddlesbegan,'that
althoughhewouldappearnottohaveworkedtoanygoodaccountforhimself,heisamostuntiringmanwhenheworksforotherpeople.Ineversawsuchafellow.Ifhealwaysgoesoninthesameway,hemustbe,virtually,abouttwohundredyearsold,atpresent.Theheatintowhichhehasbeencontinuallyputtinghimself;andthedistractedandimpetuousmannerinwhichhehasbeendiving,dayandnight,amongpapersandbooks;tosaynothingoftheimmensenumberoflettershehaswrittenmebetweenthishouseandMr.Wickfield's,andoftenacrossthetablewhenhehasbeensittingopposite,andmightmuchmoreeasilyhavespoken;isquiteextraordinary.''Letters!'criedmyaunt.'Ibelievehedreamsinletters!''There'sMr.Dick,too,'saidTraddles,'hasbeendoingwonders!AssoonashewasreleasedfromoverlookingUriahHeep,whomhekeptinsuchchargeasIneversawexceeded,hebegantodevotehimselftoMr.Wickfield.Andreallyhisanxietytobeofuseintheinvestigationswehavebeenmaking,andhisrealusefulnessinextracting,andcopying,andfetching,andcarrying,havebeenquitestimulatingtous.''Dickisaveryremarkableman,'exclaimedmyaunt;'andIalways
saidhewas.Trot,youknowit.''Iamhappytosay,MissWickfield,'pursuedTraddles,atoncewithgreatdelicacyandwithgreatearnestness,'thatinyourabsenceMr.Wickfieldhasconsiderablyimproved.Relievedoftheincubusthathadfasteneduponhimforsolongatime,andofthedreadfulapprehensionsunderwhichhehadlived,heishardlythesameperson.Attimes,evenhisimpairedpowerofconcentratinghismemoryandattentiononparticularpointsofbusiness,hasrecovereditselfverymuch;andhehasbeenabletoassistusinmakingsomethingsclear,thatweshouldhavefoundverydifficultindeed,ifnothopeless,withouthim.ButwhatIhavetodoistocometoresults;whichareshortenough;nottogossiponallthehopefulcircumstancesIhaveobserved,orIshallneverhavedone.'Hisnaturalmannerandagreeablesimplicitymadeittransparentthathesaidthistoputusingoodheart,andtoenableAgnestohearherfathermentionedwithgreaterconfidence;butitwasnotthelesspleasantforthat.'Now,letmesee,'saidTraddles,lookingamongthepapersonthetable.'Havingcountedourfunds,andreducedtoorderagreatmassofunintentionalconfusioninthefirstplace,andofwilfulconfusionandfalsificationinthesecond,wetakeittobeclear
thatMr.Wickfieldmightnowwinduphisbusiness,andhisagency-trust,andexhibitnodeficiencyordefalcationwhatever.''Oh,thankHeaven!'criedAgnes,fervently.'But,'saidTraddles,'thesurplusthatwouldbeleftashismeansofsupport-andIsupposethehousetobesold,eveninsayingthis-wouldbesosmall,notexceedinginallprobabilitysomehundredsofpounds,thatperhaps,MissWickfield,itwouldbebesttoconsiderwhetherhemightnotretainhisagencyoftheestatetowhichhehassolongbeenreceiver.Hisfriendsmightadvisehim,youknow;nowheisfree.Youyourself,MissWickfield-Copperfield-I-''Ihaveconsideredit,Trotwood,'saidAgnes,lookingtome,'andIfeelthatitoughtnottobe,andmustnotbe;evenontherecommendationofafriendtowhomIamsograteful,andowesomuch.''IwillnotsaythatIrecommendit,'observedTraddles.'Ithinkitrighttosuggestit.Nomore.''Iamhappytohearyousayso,'answeredAgnes,steadily,'forit
givesmehope,almostassurance,thatwethinkalike.DearMr.TraddlesanddearTrotwood,papaoncefreewithhonour,whatcouldIwishfor!Ihavealwaysaspired,ifIcouldhavereleasedhimfromthetoilsinwhichhewasheld,torenderbacksomelittleportionoftheloveandcareIowehim,andtodevotemylifetohim.Ithasbeen,foryears,theutmostheightofmyhopes.Totakeourfutureonmyself,willbethenextgreathappiness-thenexttohisreleasefromalltrustandresponsibility-thatIcanknow.''Haveyouthoughthow,Agnes?''Often!Iamnotafraid,dearTrotwood.Iamcertainofsuccess.Somanypeopleknowmehere,andthinkkindlyofme,thatIamcertain.Don'tmistrustme.Ourwantsarenotmany.IfIrentthedearoldhouse,andkeepaschool,Ishallbeusefulandhappy.'Thecalmfervourofhercheerfulvoicebroughtbacksovividly,firstthedearoldhouseitself,andthenmysolitaryhome,thatmyheartwastoofullforspeech.Traddlespretendedforalittlewhiletobebusilylookingamongthepapers.
'Next,MissTrotwood,'saidTraddles,'thatpropertyofyours.''Well,sir,'sighedmyaunt.'AllIhavegottosayaboutitis,thatifit'sgone,Icanbearit;andifit'snotgone,Ishallbegladtogetitback.''Itwasoriginally,Ithink,eightthousandpounds,Consols?'saidTraddles.'Right!'repliedmyaunt.'Ican'taccountformorethanfive,'saidTraddles,withanairofperplexity.'-thousand,doyoumean?'inquiredmyaunt,withuncommoncomposure,'orpounds?''Fivethousandpounds,'saidTraddles.'Itwasalltherewas,'returnedmyaunt.'Isoldthree,myself.One,Ipaidforyourarticles,Trot,mydear;andtheothertwoIhavebyme.WhenIlosttherest,Ithoughtitwisetosaynothingaboutthatsum,buttokeepitsecretlyforarainyday.Iwanted
toseehowyouwouldcomeoutofthetrial,Trot;andyoucameoutnobly-persevering,self-reliant,self-denying!SodidDick.Don'tspeaktome,forIfindmynervesalittleshaken!'Nobodywouldhavethoughtso,toseehersittingupright,withherarmsfolded;butshehadwonderfulself-command.'ThenIamdelightedtosay,'criedTraddles,beamingwithjoy,'thatwehaverecoveredthewholemoney!''Don'tcongratulateme,anybody!'exclaimedmyaunt.'Howso,sir?''YoubelievedithadbeenmisappropriatedbyMr.Wickfield?'saidTraddles.'OfcourseIdid,'saidmyaunt,'andwasthereforeeasilysilenced.Agnes,notaword!''Andindeed,'saidTraddles,'itwassold,byvirtueofthepowerofmanagementheheldfromyou;butIneedn'tsaybywhomsold,oronwhoseactualsignature.ItwasafterwardspretendedtoMr.Wickfield,bythatrascal,-andproved,too,byfigures,-thathe
hadpossessedhimselfofthemoney(ongeneralinstructions,hesaid)tokeepotherdeficienciesanddifficultiesfromthelight.Mr.Wickfield,beingsoweakandhelplessinhishandsastopayyou,afterwards,severalsumsofinterestonapretendedprincipalwhichheknewdidnotexist,madehimself,unhappily,apartytothefraud.''Andatlasttooktheblameuponhimself,'addedmyaunt;'andwrotemeamadletter,charginghimselfwithrobbery,andwrongunheardof.UponwhichIpaidhimavisitearlyonemorning,calledforacandle,burnttheletter,andtoldhimifheevercouldrightmeandhimself,todoit;andifhecouldn't,tokeephisowncounselforhisdaughter'ssake.-Ifanybodyspeakstome,I'llleavethehouse!'Weallremainedquiet;Agnescoveringherface.'Well,mydearfriend,'saidmyaunt,afterapause,'andyouhavereallyextortedthemoneybackfromhim?''Why,thefactis,'returnedTraddles,'Mr.Micawberhadsocompletelyhemmedhimin,andwasalwaysreadywithsomanynewpointsifanoldonefailed,thathecouldnotescapefromus.A
mostremarkablecircumstanceis,thatIreallydon'tthinkhegraspedthissumevensomuchforthegratificationofhisavarice,whichwasinordinate,asinthehatredhefeltforCopperfield.Hesaidsotome,plainly.Hesaidhewouldevenhavespentasmuch,tobaulkorinjureCopperfield.''Ha!'saidmyaunt,knittingherbrowsthoughtfully,andglancingatAgnes.'Andwhat'sbecomeofhim?''Idon'tknow.Helefthere,'saidTraddles,'withhismother,whohadbeenclamouring,andbeseeching,anddisclosing,thewholetime.TheywentawaybyoneoftheLondonnightcoaches,andIknownomoreabouthim;exceptthathismalevolencetomeatpartingwasaudacious.Heseemedtoconsiderhimselfhardlylessindebtedtome,thantoMr.Micawber;whichIconsider(asItoldhim)quiteacompliment.''Doyousupposehehasanymoney,Traddles?'Iasked.'Ohdear,yes,Ishouldthinkso,'hereplied,shakinghishead,seriously.'Ishouldsayhemusthavepocketedagooddeal,inonewayorother.But,Ithinkyouwouldfind,Copperfield,ifyouhadanopportunityofobservinghiscourse,thatmoneywouldneverkeep
thatmanoutofmischief.Heissuchanincarnatehypocrite,thatwhateverobjecthepursues,hemustpursuecrookedly.It'shisonlycompensationfortheoutwardrestraintsheputsuponhimself.Alwayscreepingalongthegroundtosomesmallendorother,hewillalwaysmagnifyeveryobjectintheway;andconsequentlywillhateandsuspecteverybodythatcomes,inthemostinnocentmanner,betweenhimandit.Sothecrookedcourseswillbecomecrookeder,atanymoment,fortheleastreason,orfornone.It'sonlynecessarytoconsiderhishistoryhere,'saidTraddles,'toknowthat.''He'samonsterofmeanness!'saidmyaunt.'ReallyIdon'tknowaboutthat,'observedTraddlesthoughtfully.'Manypeoplecanbeverymean,whentheygivetheirmindstoit.''Andnow,touchingMr.Micawber,'saidmyaunt.'Well,really,'saidTraddles,cheerfully,'Imust,oncemore,giveMr.Micawberhighpraise.Butforhishavingbeensopatientandperseveringforsolongatime,wenevercouldhavehopedtodoanythingworthspeakingof.AndIthinkweoughttoconsiderthatMr.Micawberdidright,forright'ssake,whenwereflectwhat
termshemighthavemadewithUriahHeephimself,forhissilence.''Ithinksotoo,'saidI.'Now,whatwouldyougivehim?'inquiredmyaunt.'Oh!Beforeyoucometothat,'saidTraddles,alittledisconcerted,'IamafraidIthoughtitdiscreettoomit(notbeingabletocarryeverythingbeforeme)twopoints,inmakingthislawlessadjustment-forit'sperfectlylawlessfrombeginningtoend-ofadifficultaffair.ThoseI.O.U.'s,andsoforth,whichMr.Micawbergavehimfortheadvanceshehad-''Well!Theymustbepaid,'saidmyaunt.'Yes,butIdon'tknowwhentheymaybeproceededon,orwheretheyare,'rejoinedTraddles,openinghiseyes;'andIanticipate,that,betweenthistimeandhisdeparture,Mr.Micawberwillbeconstantlyarrested,ortakeninexecution.''Thenhemustbeconstantlysetfreeagain,andtakenoutofexecution,'saidmyaunt.'What'stheamountaltogether?'
'Why,Mr.Micawberhasenteredthetransactions-hecallsthemtransactions-withgreatform,inabook,'rejoinedTraddles,smiling;'andhemakestheamountahundredandthreepounds,five.''Now,whatshallwegivehim,thatsumincluded?'saidmyaunt.'Agnes,mydear,youandIcantalkaboutdivisionofitafterwards.Whatshoulditbe?Fivehundredpounds?'Uponthis,TraddlesandIbothstruckinatonce.Webothrecommendedasmallsuminmoney,andthepayment,withoutstipulationtoMr.Micawber,oftheUriahclaimsastheycamein.Weproposedthatthefamilyshouldhavetheirpassageandtheiroutfit,andahundredpounds;andthatMr.Micawber'sarrangementfortherepaymentoftheadvancesshouldbegravelyenteredinto,asitmightbewholesomeforhimtosupposehimselfunderthatresponsibility.Tothis,Iaddedthesuggestion,thatIshouldgivesomeexplanationofhischaracterandhistorytoMr.Peggotty,whoIknewcouldbereliedon;andthattoMr.Peggottyshouldbequietlyentrustedthediscretionofadvancinganotherhundred.IfurtherproposedtointerestMr.MicawberinMr.Peggotty,byconfidingsomuchofMr.Peggotty'sstorytohimasImightfeeljustifiedinrelating,ormightthinkexpedient;andtoendeavour
tobringeachofthemtobearupontheother,forthecommonadvantage.Weallenteredwarmlyintotheseviews;andImaymentionatonce,thattheprincipalsthemselvesdidso,shortlyafterwards,withperfectgoodwillandharmony.SeeingthatTraddlesnowglancedanxiouslyatmyauntagain,Iremindedhimofthesecondandlastpointtowhichhehadadverted.'Youandyourauntwillexcuseme,Copperfield,ifItouchuponapainfultheme,asIgreatlyfearIshall,'saidTraddles,hesitating;'butIthinkitnecessarytobringittoyourrecollection.OnthedayofMr.Micawber'smemorabledenunciationathreateningallusionwasmadebyUriahHeeptoyouraunt's-husband.'Myaunt,retainingherstiffposition,andapparentcomposure,assentedwithanod.'Perhaps,'observedTraddles,'itwasmerepurposelessimpertinence?''No,'returnedmyaunt.
'Therewas-pardonme-reallysuchaperson,andatallinhispower?'hintedTraddles.'Yes,mygoodfriend,'saidmyaunt.Traddles,withaperceptiblelengtheningofhisface,explainedthathehadnotbeenabletoapproachthissubject;thatithadsharedthefateofMr.Micawber'sliabilities,innotbeingcomprehendedinthetermshehadmade;thatwewerenolongerofanyauthoritywithUriahHeep;andthatifhecoulddous,oranyofus,anyinjuryorannoyance,nodoubthewould.Myauntremainedquiet;untilagainsomestraytearsfoundtheirwaytohercheeks.'Youarequiteright,'shesaid.'Itwasverythoughtfultomentionit.''CanI-orCopperfield-doanything?'askedTraddles,gently.'Nothing,'saidmyaunt.'Ithankyoumanytimes.Trot,mydear,avainthreat!LetushaveMr.andMrs.Micawberback.Anddon'tanyofyouspeaktome!'Withthatshesmoothedherdress,andsat,withheruprightcarriage,lookingatthedoor.
'Well,Mr.andMrs.Micawber!'saidmyaunt,whentheyentered.'Wehavebeendiscussingyouremigration,withmanyapologiestoyouforkeepingyououtoftheroomsolong;andI'lltellyouwhatarrangementswepropose.'Thesesheexplainedtotheunboundedsatisfactionofthefamily,-childrenandallbeingthenpresent,-andsomuchtotheawakeningofMr.Micawber'spunctualhabitsintheopeningstageofallbilltransactions,thathecouldnotbedissuadedfromimmediatelyrushingout,inthehighestspirits,tobuythestampsforhisnotesofhand.But,hisjoyreceivedasuddencheck;forwithinfiveminutes,hereturnedinthecustodyofasheriff'sofficer,informingus,inafloodoftears,thatallwaslost.We,beingquitepreparedforthisevent,whichwasofcourseaproceedingofUriahHeep's,soonpaidthemoney;andinfiveminutesmoreMr.Micawberwasseatedatthetable,fillingupthestampswithanexpressionofperfectjoy,whichonlythatcongenialemployment,orthemakingofpunch,couldimpartinfullcompletenesstohisshiningface.Toseehimatworkonthestamps,withtherelishofanartist,touchingthemlikepictures,lookingatthemsideways,takingweightynotesofdatesandamountsinhispocket-book,andcontemplatingthemwhenfinished,withahighsenseoftheir
preciousvalue,wasasightindeed.'Now,thebestthingyoucando,sir,ifyou'llallowmetoadviseyou,'saidmyaunt,aftersilentlyobservinghim,'istoabjurethatoccupationforevermore.''Madam,'repliedMr.Micawber,'itismyintentiontoregistersuchavowonthevirginpageofthefuture.Mrs.Micawberwillattestit.Itrust,'saidMr.Micawber,solemnly,'thatmysonWilkinswilleverbearinmind,thathehadinfinitelybetterputhisfistinthefire,thanuseittohandletheserpentsthathavepoisonedthelife-bloodofhisunhappyparent!'Deeplyaffected,andchangedinamomenttotheimageofdespair,Mr.Micawberregardedtheserpentswithalookofgloomyabhorrence(inwhichhislateadmirationofthemwasnotquitesubdued),foldedthemupandputtheminhispocket.Thisclosedtheproceedingsoftheevening.Wewerewearywithsorrowandfatigue,andmyauntandIweretoreturntoLondononthemorrow.ItwasarrangedthattheMicawbersshouldfollowus,aftereffectingasaleoftheirgoodstoabroker;thatMr.Wickfield'saffairsshouldbebroughttoasettlement,withallconvenientspeed,underthedirectionofTraddles;andthatAgnes
shouldalsocometoLondon,pendingthosearrangements.Wepassedthenightattheoldhouse,which,freedfromthepresenceoftheHeeps,seemedpurgedofadisease;andIlayinmyoldroom,likeashipwreckedwanderercomehome.Wewentbacknextdaytomyaunt'shouse-nottomine-andwhensheandIsatalone,asofold,beforegoingtobed,shesaid:'Trot,doyoureallywishtoknowwhatIhavehaduponmymindlately?''IndeedIdo,aunt.IfthereeverwasatimewhenIfeltunwillingthatyoushouldhaveasorroworanxietywhichIcouldnotshare,itisnow.''Youhavehadsorrowenough,child,'saidmyaunt,affectionately,'withouttheadditionofmylittlemiseries.Icouldhavenoothermotive,Trot,inkeepinganythingfromyou.''Iknowthatwell,'saidI.'Buttellmenow.''Wouldyouridewithmealittlewaytomorrowmorning?'askedmyaunt.
'Ofcourse.''Atnine,'saidshe.'I'lltellyouthen,mydear.'Atnine,accordingly,wewentoutinalittlechariot,anddrovetoLondon.Wedrovealongwaythroughthestreets,untilwecametooneofthelargehospitals.Standinghardbythebuildingwasaplainhearse.Thedriverrecognizedmyaunt,and,inobediencetoamotionofherhandatthewindow,droveslowlyoff;wefollowing.'Youunderstanditnow,Trot,'saidmyaunt.'Heisgone!''Didhedieinthehospital?''Yes.'Shesatimmovablebesideme;but,againIsawthestraytearsonherface.'Hewasthereoncebefore,'saidmyauntpresently.'Hewasailingalongtime-ashattered,brokenman,thesemanyyears.Whenheknewhisstateinthislastillness,heaskedthemtosendforme.
Hewassorrythen.Verysorry.''Youwent,Iknow,aunt.''Iwent.Iwaswithhimagooddealafterwards.''HediedthenightbeforewewenttoCanterbury?'saidI.Myauntnodded.'Noonecanharmhimnow,'shesaid.'Itwasavainthreat.'Wedroveaway,outoftown,tothechurchyardatHornsey.'Betterherethaninthestreets,'saidmyaunt.'Hewasbornhere.'Wealighted;andfollowedtheplaincoffintoacornerIrememberwell,wheretheservicewasreadconsigningittothedust.'Six-and-thirtyyearsago,thisday,mydear,'saidmyaunt,aswewalkedbacktothechariot,'Iwasmarried.Godforgiveusall!'Wetookourseatsinsilence;andsoshesatbesidemeforalongtime,holdingmyhand.Atlengthshesuddenlyburstintotears,andsaid:'Hewasafine-lookingmanwhenImarriedhim,Trot-andhewas
sadlychanged!'Itdidnotlastlong.Afterthereliefoftears,shesoonbecamecomposed,andevencheerful.Hernerveswerealittleshaken,shesaid,orshewouldnothavegivenwaytoit.Godforgiveusall!SowerodebacktoherlittlecottageatHighgate,wherewefoundthefollowingshortnote,whichhadarrivedbythatmorning'spostfromMr.Micawber:'Canterbury,'Friday.'MydearMadam,andCopperfield,'Thefairlandofpromiselatelyloomingonthehorizonisagainenvelopedinimpenetrablemists,andforeverwithdrawnfromtheeyesofadriftingwretchwhoseDoomissealed!'Anotherwrithasbeenissued(inHisMajesty'sHighCourtofKing'sBenchatWestminster),inanothercauseofHEEPV.
MICAWBER,andthedefendantinthatcauseisthepreyofthesheriffhavinglegaljurisdictioninthisbailiwick.'Now'stheday,andnow'sthehour,Seethefrontofbattlelower,SeeapproachproudEDWARD'Spower-Chainsandslavery!'Consignedtowhich,andtoaspeedyend(formentaltortureisnotsupportablebeyondacertainpoint,andthatpointIfeelIhaveattained),mycourseisrun.Blessyou,blessyou!Somefuturetraveller,visiting,frommotivesofcuriosity,notunmingled,letushope,withsympathy,theplaceofconfinementallottedtodebtorsinthiscity,may,andItrustwill,Ponder,ashetracesonitswall,inscribedwitharustynail,'Theobscureinitials,'W.M.'P.S.Ire-openthistosaythatourcommonfriend,Mr.ThomasTraddles(whohasnotyetleftus,andislookingextremelywell),haspaidthedebtandcosts,inthenoblenameofMissTrotwood;andthatmyselfandfamilyareattheheightofearthlybliss.'
CHAPTER55TEMPESTInowapproachaneventinmylife,soindelible,soawful,soboundbyaninfinitevarietyoftiestoallthathasprecededit,inthesepages,that,fromthebeginningofmynarrative,IhaveseenitgrowinglargerandlargerasIadvanced,likeagreattowerinaplain,andthrowingitsfore-castshadowevenontheincidentsofmychildishdays.Foryearsafteritoccurred,Idreamedofitoften.Ihavestartedupsovividlyimpressedbyit,thatitsfuryhasyetseemedraginginmyquietroom,inthestillnight.Idreamofitsometimes,thoughatlengthenedanduncertainintervals,tothishour.Ihaveanassociationbetweenitandastormywind,orthelightestmentionofasea-shore,asstrongasanyofwhichmymindisconscious.AsplainlyasIbeholdwhathappened,Iwilltrytowriteitdown.Idonotrecallit,butseeitdone;forithappensagainbeforeme.
Thetimedrawingonrapidlyforthesailingoftheemigrant-ship,mygoodoldnurse(almostbroken-heartedforme,whenwefirstmet)cameuptoLondon.Iwasconstantlywithher,andherbrother,andtheMicawbers(theybeingverymuchtogether);butEmilyIneversaw.Oneeveningwhenthetimewascloseathand,IwasalonewithPeggottyandherbrother.OurconversationturnedonHam.Shedescribedtoushowtenderlyhehadtakenleaveofher,andhowmanfullyandquietlyhehadbornehimself.Mostofall,oflate,whenshebelievedhewasmosttried.Itwasasubjectofwhichtheaffectionatecreaturenevertired;andourinterestinhearingthemanyexampleswhichshe,whowassomuchwithhim,hadtorelate,wasequaltohersinrelatingthem.MYauntandIwereatthattimevacatingthetwocottagesatHighgate;Iintendingtogoabroad,andshetoreturntoherhouseatDover.WehadatemporarylodginginCoventGarden.AsIwalkedhometoit,afterthisevening'sconversation,reflectingonwhathadpassedbetweenHamandmyselfwhenIwaslastatYarmouth,IwaveredintheoriginalpurposeIhadformed,ofleavingaletterforEmilywhenIshouldtakeleaveofheruncleonboardtheship,andthoughtitwouldbebettertowritetohernow.Shemight
desire,Ithought,afterreceivingmycommunication,tosendsomepartingwordbymetoherunhappylover.Ioughttogivehertheopportunity.Ithereforesatdowninmyroom,beforegoingtobed,andwrotetoher.ItoldherthatIhadseenhim,andthathehadrequestedmetotellherwhatIhavealreadywritteninitsplaceinthesesheets.Ifaithfullyrepeatedit.Ihadnoneedtoenlargeuponit,ifIhadhadtheright.Itsdeepfidelityandgoodnesswerenottobeadornedbymeoranyman.Ileftitout,tobesentroundinthemorning;withalinetoMr.Peggotty,requestinghimtogiveittoher;andwenttobedatdaybreak.IwasweakerthanIknewthen;and,notfallingasleepuntilthesunwasup,laylate,andunrefreshed,nextday.Iwasrousedbythesilentpresenceofmyauntatmybedside.Ifeltitinmysleep,asIsupposewealldofeelsuchthings.'Trot,mydear,'shesaid,whenIopenedmyeyes,'Icouldn'tmakeupmymindtodisturbyou.Mr.Peggottyishere;shallhecomeup?'Irepliedyes,andhesoonappeared.
'Mas'rDavy,'hesaid,whenwehadshakenhands,'IgivEm'lyyourletter,sir,andshewritthisheer;andbeggedofmefurtoaskyoutoreadit,andifyouseenohurtin't,tobesokindastakechargeon't.''Haveyoureadit?'saidI.Henoddedsorrowfully.Iopenedit,andreadasfollows:'Ihavegotyourmessage.Oh,whatcanIwrite,tothankyouforyourgoodandblessedkindnesstome!'Ihaveputthewordsclosetomyheart.IshallkeepthemtillIdie.Theyaresharpthorns,buttheyaresuchcomfort.Ihaveprayedoverthem,oh,Ihaveprayedsomuch.WhenIfindwhatyouare,andwhatuncleis,IthinkwhatGodmustbe,andcancrytohim.'Good-byeforever.Now,mydear,myfriend,good-byeforeverinthisworld.Inanotherworld,ifIamforgiven,Imaywakeachildandcometoyou.Allthanksandblessings.Farewell,evermore.'
This,blottedwithtears,wastheletter.'MayItellherasyoudoen'tseenohurtin't,andasyou'llbesokindastakechargeon't,Mas'rDavy?'saidMr.Peggotty,whenIhadreadit.'Unquestionably,'saidI-'butIamthinking-''Yes,Mas'rDavy?''Iamthinking,'saidI,'thatI'llgodownagaintoYarmouth.There'stime,andtospare,formetogoandcomebackbeforetheshipsails.Mymindisconstantlyrunningonhim,inhissolitude;toputthisletterofherwritinginhishandatthistime,andtoenableyoutotellher,inthemomentofparting,thathehasgotit,willbeakindnesstobothofthem.Isolemnlyacceptedhiscommission,deargoodfellow,andcannotdischargeittoocompletely.Thejourneyisnothingtome.Iamrestless,andshallbebetterinmotion.I'llgodowntonight.'Thoughheanxiouslyendeavouredtodissuademe,Isawthathewasofmymind;andthis,ifIhadrequiredtobeconfirmedinmy
intention,wouldhavehadtheeffect.Hewentroundtothecoachoffice,atmyrequest,andtookthebox-seatformeonthemail.IntheeveningIstarted,bythatconveyance,downtheroadIhadtraversedundersomanyvicissitudes.'Don'tyouthinkthat,'Iaskedthecoachman,inthefirststageoutofLondon,'averyremarkablesky?Idon'tremembertohaveseenonelikeit.''NorI-notequaltoit,'hereplied.'That'swind,sir.There'llbemischiefdoneatsea,Iexpect,beforelong.'Itwasamurkyconfusion-hereandthereblottedwithacolourlikethecolourofthesmokefromdampfuel-offlyingclouds,tossedupintomostremarkableheaps,suggestinggreaterheightsinthecloudsthanthereweredepthsbelowthemtothebottomofthedeepesthollowsintheearth,throughwhichthewildmoonseemedtoplungeheadlong,asif,inadreaddisturbanceofthelawsofnature,shehadlostherwayandwerefrightened.Therehadbeenawindallday;anditwasrisingthen,withanextraordinarygreatsound.Inanotherhourithadmuchincreased,andtheskywasmoreovercast,andblewhard.
But,asthenightadvanced,thecloudsclosinginanddenselyover-spreadingthewholesky,thenverydark,itcameontoblow,harderandharder.Itstillincreased,untilourhorsescouldscarcelyfacethewind.Manytimes,inthedarkpartofthenight(itwasthenlateinSeptember,whenthenightswerenotshort),theleadersturnedabout,orcametoadeadstop;andwewereofteninseriousapprehensionthatthecoachwouldbeblownover.Sweepinggustsofraincameupbeforethisstorm,likeshowersofsteel;and,atthosetimes,whentherewasanyshelteroftreesorleewallstobegot,wewerefaintostop,inasheerimpossibilityofcontinuingthestruggle.Whenthedaybroke,itblewharderandharder.IhadbeeninYarmouthwhentheseamensaiditblewgreatguns,butIhadneverknownthelikeofthis,oranythingapproachingtoit.WecametoIpswich-verylate,havinghadtofighteveryinchofgroundsinceweweretenmilesoutofLondon;andfoundaclusterofpeopleinthemarket-place,whohadrisenfromtheirbedsinthenight,fearfuloffallingchimneys.Someofthese,congregatingabouttheinn-yardwhilewechangedhorses,toldusofgreatsheetsofleadhavingbeenrippedoffahighchurch-tower,andflungintoaby-street,whichtheythenblockedup.Othershadtotellofcountrypeople,cominginfromneighbouringvillages,whohadseen
greattreeslyingtornoutoftheearth,andwholericksscatteredabouttheroadsandfields.Still,therewasnoabatementinthestorm,butitblewharder.Aswestruggledon,nearerandnearertothesea,fromwhichthismightywindwasblowingdeadonshore,itsforcebecamemoreandmoreterrific.Longbeforewesawthesea,itsspraywasonourlips,andshoweredsaltrainuponus.Thewaterwasout,overmilesandmilesoftheflatcountryadjacenttoYarmouth;andeverysheetandpuddlelasheditsbanks,andhaditsstressoflittlebreakerssettingheavilytowardsus.Whenwecamewithinsightofthesea,thewavesonthehorizon,caughtatintervalsabovetherollingabyss,werelikeglimpsesofanothershorewithtowersandbuildings.Whenatlastwegotintothetown,thepeoplecameouttotheirdoors,allaslant,andwithstreaminghair,makingawonderofthemailthathadcomethroughsuchanight.Iputupattheoldinn,andwentdowntolookatthesea;staggeringalongthestreet,whichwasstrewnwithsandandseaweed,andwithflyingblotchesofsea-foam;afraidoffallingslatesandtiles;andholdingbypeopleImet,atangrycorners.Comingnearthebeach,Isaw,notonlytheboatmen,buthalfthepeopleofthetown,lurkingbehindbuildings;some,nowandthen
bravingthefuryofthestormtolookawaytosea,andblownsheeroutoftheircourseintryingtogetzigzagback.joiningthesegroups,Ifoundbewailingwomenwhosehusbandswereawayinherringoroysterboats,whichtherewastoomuchreasontothinkmighthavefounderedbeforetheycouldruninanywhereforsafety.Grizzledoldsailorswereamongthepeople,shakingtheirheads,astheylookedfromwatertosky,andmutteringtooneanother;ship-owners,excitedanduneasy;children,huddlingtogether,andpeeringintoolderfaces;evenstoutmariners,disturbedandanxious,levellingtheirglassesattheseafrombehindplacesofshelter,asiftheyweresurveyinganenemy.Thetremendousseaitself,whenIcouldfindsufficientpausetolookatit,intheagitationoftheblindingwind,theflyingstonesandsand,andtheawfulnoise,confoundedme.Asthehighwaterywallscamerollingin,and,attheirhighest,tumbledintosurf,theylookedasiftheleastwouldengulfthetown.Astherecedingwavesweptbackwithahoarseroar,itseemedtoscoopoutdeepcavesinthebeach,asifitspurposeweretounderminetheearth.Whensomewhite-headedbillowsthunderedon,anddashedthemselvestopiecesbeforetheyreachedtheland,everyfragmentofthelatewholeseemedpossessedbythefullmightofitswrath,
rushingtobegatheredtothecompositionofanothermonster.Undulatinghillswerechangedtovalleys,undulatingvalleys(withasolitarystorm-birdsometimesskimmingthroughthem)werelifteduptohills;massesofwatershiveredandshookthebeachwithaboomingsound;everyshapetumultuouslyrolledon,assoonasmade,tochangeitsshapeandplace,andbeatanothershapeandplaceaway;theidealshoreonthehorizon,withitstowersandbuildings,roseandfell;thecloudsfellfastandthick;Iseemedtoseearendingandupheavingofallnature.NotfindingHamamongthepeoplewhomthismemorablewind-foritisstillremembereddownthere,asthegreatesteverknowntoblowuponthatcoast-hadbroughttogether,Imademywaytohishouse.Itwasshut;andasnooneansweredtomyknocking,Iwent,bybackwaysandby-lanes,totheyardwhereheworked.Ilearned,there,thathehadgonetoLowestoft,tomeetsomesuddenexigencyofship-repairinginwhichhisskillwasrequired;butthathewouldbebacktomorrowmorning,ingoodtime.Iwentbacktotheinn;andwhenIhadwashedanddressed,andtriedtosleep,butinvain,itwasfiveo'clockintheafternoon.Ihadnotsatfiveminutesbythecoffee-roomfire,whenthewaiter,comingtostirit,asanexcusefortalking,toldmethat
twocolliershadgonedown,withallhands,afewmilesaway;andthatsomeothershipshadbeenseenlabouringhardintheRoads,andtrying,ingreatdistress,tokeepoffshore.Mercyonthem,andonallpoorsailors,saidhe,ifwehadanothernightlikethelast!Iwasverymuchdepressedinspirits;verysolitary;andfeltanuneasinessinHam'snotbeingthere,disproportionatetotheoccasion.Iwasseriouslyaffected,withoutknowinghowmuch,bylateevents;andmylongexposuretothefiercewindhadconfusedme.Therewasthatjumbleinmythoughtsandrecollections,thatIhadlostthecleararrangementoftimeanddistance.Thus,ifIhadgoneoutintothetown,Ishouldnothavebeensurprised,Ithink,toencountersomeonewhoIknewmustbetheninLondon.Sotospeak,therewasintheserespectsacuriousinattentioninmymind.Yetitwasbusy,too,withalltheremembrancestheplacenaturallyawakened;andtheywereparticularlydistinctandvivid.Inthisstate,thewaiter'sdismalintelligenceabouttheshipsimmediatelyconnecteditself,withoutanyeffortofmyvolition,withmyuneasinessaboutHam.IwaspersuadedthatIhadanapprehensionofhisreturningfromLowestoftbysea,andbeinglost.Thisgrewsostrongwithme,thatIresolvedtogobackto
theyardbeforeItookmydinner,andasktheboat-builderifhethoughthisattemptingtoreturnbyseaatalllikely?Ifhegavemetheleastreasontothinkso,IwouldgoovertoLowestoftandpreventitbybringinghimwithme.Ihastilyorderedmydinner,andwentbacktotheyard.Iwasnonetoosoon;fortheboat-builder,withalanterninhishand,waslockingtheyard-gate.HequitelaughedwhenIaskedhimthequestion,andsaidtherewasnofear;nomaninhissenses,oroutofthem,wouldputoffinsuchagaleofwind,leastofallHamPeggotty,whohadbeenborntoseafaring.Sosensibleofthis,beforehand,thatIhadreallyfeltashamedofdoingwhatIwasneverthelessimpelledtodo,Iwentbacktotheinn.Ifsuchawindcouldrise,Ithinkitwasrising.Thehowlandroar,therattlingofthedoorsandwindows,therumblinginthechimneys,theapparentrockingoftheveryhousethatshelteredme,andtheprodigioustumultofthesea,weremorefearfulthaninthemorning.Buttherewasnowagreatdarknessbesides;andthatinvestedthestormwithnewterrors,realandfanciful.Icouldnoteat,Icouldnotsitstill,Icouldnotcontinuesteadfasttoanything.Somethingwithinme,faintlyansweringto
thestormwithout,tossedupthedepthsofmymemoryandmadeatumultinthem.Yet,inallthehurryofmythoughts,wildrunningwiththethunderingsea,-thestorm,andmyuneasinessregardingHamwerealwaysinthefore-ground.Mydinnerwentawayalmostuntasted,andItriedtorefreshmyselfwithaglassortwoofwine.Invain.Ifellintoadullslumberbeforethefire,withoutlosingmyconsciousness,eitheroftheuproaroutofdoors,oroftheplaceinwhichIwas.Bothbecameovershadowedbyanewandindefinablehorror;andwhenIawoke-orratherwhenIshookoffthelethargythatboundmeinmychair-mywholeframethrilledwithobjectlessandunintelligiblefear.Iwalkedtoandfro,triedtoreadanoldgazetteer,listenedtotheawfulnoises:lookedatfaces,scenes,andfiguresinthefire.Atlength,thesteadytickingoftheundisturbedclockonthewalltormentedmetothatdegreethatIresolvedtogotobed.Itwasreassuring,onsuchanight,tobetoldthatsomeoftheinn-servantshadagreedtogethertositupuntilmorning.Iwenttobed,exceedinglywearyandheavy;but,onmylyingdown,allsuchsensationsvanished,asifbymagic,andIwasbroadawake,witheverysenserefined.
ForhoursIlaythere,listeningtothewindandwater;imagining,now,thatIheardshrieksoutatsea;now,thatIdistinctlyheardthefiringofsignalguns;andnow,thefallofhousesinthetown.Igotup,severaltimes,andlookedout;butcouldseenothing,exceptthereflectioninthewindow-panesofthefaintcandleIhadleftburning,andofmyownhaggardfacelookinginatmefromtheblackvoid.Atlength,myrestlessnessattainedtosuchapitch,thatIhurriedonmyclothes,andwentdownstairs.Inthelargekitchen,whereIdimlysawbaconandropesofonionshangingfromthebeams,thewatcherswereclusteredtogether,invariousattitudes,aboutatable,purposelymovedawayfromthegreatchimney,andbroughtnearthedoor.Aprettygirl,whohadherearsstoppedwithherapron,andhereyesuponthedoor,screamedwhenIappeared,supposingmetobeaspirit;buttheothershadmorepresenceofmind,andweregladofanadditiontotheircompany.Oneman,referringtothetopictheyhadbeendiscussing,askedmewhetherIthoughtthesoulsofthecollier-crewswhohadgonedown,wereoutinthestorm?Iremainedthere,Idaresay,twohours.Once,Iopenedthe
yard-gate,andlookedintotheemptystreet.Thesand,thesea-weed,andtheflakesoffoam,weredrivingby;andIwasobligedtocallforassistancebeforeIcouldshutthegateagain,andmakeitfastagainstthewind.Therewasadarkgloominmysolitarychamber,whenIatlengthreturnedtoit;butIwastirednow,and,gettingintobedagain,fell-offatoweranddownaprecipice-intothedepthsofsleep.Ihaveanimpressionthatforalongtime,thoughIdreamedofbeingelsewhereandinavarietyofscenes,itwasalwaysblowinginmydream.Atlength,Ilostthatfeebleholduponreality,andwasengagedwithtwodearfriends,butwhotheywereIdon'tknow,atthesiegeofsometowninaroarofcannonading.Thethunderofthecannonwassoloudandincessant,thatIcouldnothearsomethingImuchdesiredtohear,untilImadeagreatexertionandawoke.Itwasbroadday-eightornineo'clock;thestormraging,inlieuofthebatteries;andsomeoneknockingandcallingatmydoor.'Whatisthematter?'Icried.'Awreck!Closeby!'
Isprungoutofbed,andasked,whatwreck?'Aschooner,fromSpainorPortugal,ladenwithfruitandwine.Makehaste,sir,ifyouwanttoseeher!It'sthought,downonthebeach,she'llgotopieceseverymoment.'Theexcitedvoicewentclamouringalongthestaircase;andIwrappedmyselfinmyclothesasquicklyasIcould,andranintothestreet.Numbersofpeopleweretherebeforeme,allrunninginonedirection,tothebeach.Iranthesameway,outstrippingagoodmany,andsooncamefacingthewildsea.Thewindmightbythistimehavelulledalittle,thoughnotmoresensiblythanifthecannonadingIhaddreamedof,hadbeendiminishedbythesilencingofhalf-a-dozengunsoutofhundreds.Butthesea,havinguponittheadditionalagitationofthewholenight,wasinfinitelymoreterrificthanwhenIhadseenitlast.Everyappearanceithadthenpresented,boretheexpressionofbeingswelled;andtheheighttowhichthebreakersrose,and,lookingoveroneanother,boreoneanotherdown,androlledin,in
interminablehosts,wasmostappalling.Inthedifficultyofhearinganythingbutwindandwaves,andinthecrowd,andtheunspeakableconfusion,andmyfirstbreathlesseffortstostandagainsttheweather,IwassoconfusedthatIlookedouttoseaforthewreck,andsawnothingbutthefoamingheadsofthegreatwaves.Ahalf-dressedboatman,standingnextme,pointedwithhisbarearm(atattoo'darrowonit,pointinginthesamedirection)totheleft.Then,OgreatHeaven,Isawit,closeinuponus!Onemastwasbrokenshortoff,sixoreightfeetfromthedeck,andlayovertheside,entangledinamazeofsailandrigging;andallthatruin,astheshiprolledandbeat-whichshedidwithoutamoment'spause,andwithaviolencequiteinconceivable-beatthesideasifitwouldstaveitin.Someeffortswereeventhenbeingmade,tocutthisportionofthewreckaway;for,astheship,whichwasbroadsideon,turnedtowardsusinherrolling,Iplainlydescriedherpeopleatworkwithaxes,especiallyoneactivefigurewithlongcurlinghair,conspicuousamongtherest.Butagreatcry,whichwasaudibleevenabovethewindandwater,rosefromtheshoreatthismoment;thesea,sweepingovertherollingwreck,madeacleanbreach,andcarriedmen,spars,casks,planks,bulwarks,heapsofsuchtoys,intotheboilingsurge.
Thesecondmastwasyetstanding,withtheragsofarentsail,andawildconfusionofbrokencordageflappingtoandfro.Theshiphadstruckonce,thesameboatmanhoarselysaidinmyear,andthenliftedinandstruckagain.Iunderstoodhimtoaddthatshewaspartingamidships,andIcouldreadilysupposeso,fortherollingandbeatingweretootremendousforanyhumanworktosufferlong.Ashespoke,therewasanothergreatcryofpityfromthebeach;fourmenarosewiththewreckoutofthedeep,clingingtotheriggingoftheremainingmast;uppermost,theactivefigurewiththecurlinghair.Therewasabellonboard;andastheshiprolledanddashed,likeadesperatecreaturedrivenmad,nowshowingusthewholesweepofherdeck,assheturnedonherbeam-endstowardstheshore,nownothingbutherkeel,asshesprungwildlyoverandturnedtowardsthesea,thebellrang;anditssound,theknellofthoseunhappymen,wasbornetowardsusonthewind.Againwelosther,andagainsherose.Twomenweregone.Theagonyontheshoreincreased.Mengroaned,andclaspedtheirhands;womenshrieked,andturnedawaytheirfaces.Someranwildlyupanddownalongthebeach,cryingforhelpwherenohelpcouldbe.Ifoundmyselfoneofthese,franticallyimploringaknotofsailorswhomIknew,not
toletthosetwolostcreaturesperishbeforeoureyes.Theyweremakingouttome,inanagitatedway-Idon'tknowhow,forthelittleIcouldhearIwasscarcelycomposedenoughtounderstand-thatthelifeboathadbeenbravelymannedanhourago,andcoulddonothing;andthatasnomanwouldbesodesperateastoattempttowadeoffwitharope,andestablishacommunicationwiththeshore,therewasnothinglefttotry;whenInoticedthatsomenewsensationmovedthepeopleonthebeach,andsawthempart,andHamcomebreakingthroughthemtothefront.Irantohim-aswellasIknow,torepeatmyappealforhelp.But,distractedthoughIwas,byasightsonewtomeandterrible,thedeterminationinhisface,andhislookouttosea-exactlythesamelookasIrememberedinconnexionwiththemorningafterEmily'sflight-awokemetoaknowledgeofhisdanger.Iheldhimbackwithbotharms;andimploredthemenwithwhomIhadbeenspeaking,nottolistentohim,nottodomurder,nottolethimstirfromoffthatsand!Anothercryaroseonshore;andlookingtothewreck,wesawthecruelsail,withblowonblow,beatoffthelowerofthetwomen,andflyupintriumphroundtheactivefigureleftaloneuponthe
mast.Againstsuchasight,andagainstsuchdeterminationasthatofthecalmlydesperatemanwhowasalreadyaccustomedtoleadhalfthepeoplepresent,Imightashopefullyhaveentreatedthewind.'Mas'rDavy,'hesaid,cheerilygraspingmebybothhands,'ifmytimeiscome,'tiscome.If'tan't,I'llbideit.Lordaboveblessyou,andblessall!Mates,makemeready!I'ma-goingoff!'Iwassweptaway,butnotunkindly,tosomedistance,wherethepeoplearoundmemademestay;urging,asIconfusedlyperceived,thathewasbentongoing,withhelporwithout,andthatIshouldendangertheprecautionsforhissafetybytroublingthosewithwhomtheyrested.Idon'tknowwhatIanswered,orwhattheyrejoined;butIsawhurryonthebeach,andmenrunningwithropesfromacapstanthatwasthere,andpenetratingintoacircleoffiguresthathidhimfromme.Then,Isawhimstandingalone,inaseaman'sfrockandtrousers:aropeinhishand,orslungtohiswrist:anotherroundhisbody:andseveralofthebestmenholding,atalittledistance,tothelatter,whichhelaidouthimself,slackupontheshore,athisfeet.Thewreck,eventomyunpractisedeye,wasbreakingup.Isawthat
shewaspartinginthemiddle,andthatthelifeofthesolitarymanuponthemasthungbyathread.Still,heclungtoit.Hehadasingularredcapon,-notlikeasailor'scap,butofafinercolour;andasthefewyieldingplanksbetweenhimanddestructionrolledandbulged,andhisanticipativedeath-knellrung,hewasseenbyallofustowaveit.Isawhimdoitnow,andthoughtIwasgoingdistracted,whenhisactionbroughtanoldremembrancetomymindofaoncedearfriend.Hamwatchedthesea,standingalone,withthesilenceofsuspendedbreathbehindhim,andthestormbefore,untiltherewasagreatretiringwave,when,withabackwardglanceatthosewhoheldtheropewhichwasmadefastroundhisbody,hedashedinafterit,andinamomentwasbuffetingwiththewater;risingwiththehills,fallingwiththevalleys,lostbeneaththefoam;thendrawnagaintoland.Theyhauledinhastily.Hewashurt.Isawbloodonhisface,fromwhereIstood;buthetooknothoughtofthat.Heseemedhurriedlytogivethemsomedirectionsforleavinghimmorefree-orsoIjudgedfromthemotionofhisarm-andwasgoneasbefore.Andnowhemadeforthewreck,risingwiththehills,fallingwith
thevalleys,lostbeneaththeruggedfoam,borneintowardstheshore,borneontowardstheship,strivinghardandvaliantly.Thedistancewasnothing,butthepoweroftheseaandwindmadethestrifedeadly.Atlengthhenearedthewreck.Hewassonear,thatwithonemoreofhisvigorousstrokeshewouldbeclingingtoit,-whenahigh,green,vasthill-sideofwater,movingonshoreward,frombeyondtheship,heseemedtoleapupintoitwithamightybound,andtheshipwasgone!SomeeddyingfragmentsIsawinthesea,asifamerecaskhadbeenbroken,inrunningtothespotwheretheywerehaulingin.Consternationwasineveryface.Theydrewhimtomyveryfeet-insensible-dead.Hewascarriedtothenearesthouse;and,noonepreventingmenow,Iremainednearhim,busy,whileeverymeansofrestorationweretried;buthehadbeenbeatentodeathbythegreatwave,andhisgenerousheartwasstilledforever.AsIsatbesidethebed,whenhopewasabandonedandallwasdone,afisherman,whohadknownmewhenEmilyandIwerechildren,andeversince,whisperedmynameatthedoor.'Sir,'saidhe,withtearsstartingtohisweather-beatenface,which,withhistremblinglips,wasashypale,'willyoucomeover
yonder?'Theoldremembrancethathadbeenrecalledtome,wasinhislook.Iaskedhim,terror-stricken,leaningonthearmheheldouttosupportme:'Hasabodycomeashore?'Hesaid,'Yes.''DoIknowit?'Iaskedthen.Heanswerednothing.Butheledmetotheshore.AndonthatpartofitwheresheandIhadlookedforshells,twochildren-onthatpartofitwheresomelighterfragmentsoftheoldboat,blowndownlastnight,hadbeenscatteredbythewind-amongtheruinsofthehomehehadwronged-Isawhimlyingwithhisheaduponhisarm,asIhadoftenseenhimlieatschool.CHAPTER56
THENEWWOUND,ANDTHEOLDNoneed,OSteerforth,tohavesaid,whenwelastspoketogether,inthathourwhichIsolittledeemedtobeourparting-hour-noneedtohavesaid,'Thinkofmeatmybest!'Ihaddonethatever;andcouldIchangenow,lookingonthissight!Theybroughtahand-bier,andlaidhimonit,andcoveredhimwithaflag,andtookhimupandborehimontowardsthehouses.Allthemenwhocarriedhimhadknownhim,andgonesailingwithhim,andseenhimmerryandbold.Theycarriedhimthroughthewildroar,ahushinthemidstofallthetumult;andtookhimtothecottagewhereDeathwasalready.Butwhentheysetthebierdownonthethreshold,theylookedatoneanother,andatme,andwhispered.Iknewwhy.Theyfeltasifitwerenotrighttolayhimdowninthesamequietroom.Wewentintothetown,andtookourburdentotheinn.SosoonasIcouldatallcollectmythoughts,IsentforJoram,andbeggedhimtoprovidemeaconveyanceinwhichitcouldbegottoLondoninthenight.Iknewthatthecareofit,andtheharddutyofpreparinghismothertoreceiveit,couldonlyrestwithme;andI
wasanxioustodischargethatdutyasfaithfullyasIcould.Ichosethenightforthejourney,thattheremightbelesscuriositywhenIleftthetown.But,althoughitwasnearlymidnightwhenIcameoutoftheyardinachaise,followedbywhatIhadincharge,thereweremanypeoplewaiting.Atintervals,alongthetown,andevenalittlewayoutupontheroad,Isawmore:butatlengthonlythebleaknightandtheopencountrywerearoundme,andtheashesofmyyouthfulfriendship.Uponamellowautumnday,aboutnoon,whenthegroundwasperfumedbyfallenleaves,andmanymore,inbeautifultintsofyellow,red,andbrown,yethunguponthetrees,throughwhichthesunwasshining,IarrivedatHighgate.Iwalkedthelastmile,thinkingasIwentalongofwhatIhadtodo;andleftthecarriagethathadfollowedmeallthroughthenight,awaitingorderstoadvance.Thehouse,whenIcameuptoit,lookedjustthesame.Notablindwasraised;nosignoflifewasinthedullpavedcourt,withitscoveredwayleadingtothedisuseddoor.Thewindhadquitegonedown,andnothingmoved.Ihadnot,atfirst,thecouragetoringatthegate;andwhenI
didring,myerrandseemedtometobeexpressedintheverysoundofthebell.Thelittleparlour-maidcameout,withthekeyinherhand;andlookingearnestlyatmeassheunlockedthegate,said:'Ibegyourpardon,sir.Areyouill?''Ihavebeenmuchagitated,andamfatigued.''Isanythingthematter,sir?-Mr.James?-''Hush!'saidI.'Yes,somethinghashappened,thatIhavetobreaktoMrs.Steerforth.Sheisathome?'Thegirlanxiouslyrepliedthathermistresswasveryseldomoutnow,eveninacarriage;thatshekeptherroom;thatshesawnocompany,butwouldseeme.Hermistresswasup,shesaid,andMissDartlewaswithher.Whatmessageshouldshetakeupstairs?Givingherastrictchargetobecarefulofhermanner,andonlytocarryinmycardandsayIwaited,Isatdowninthedrawing-room(whichwehadnowreached)untilsheshouldcomeback.Itsformerpleasantairofoccupationwasgone,andtheshutterswerehalfclosed.Theharphadnotbeenusedformanyandmanyaday.Hispicture,asaboy,wasthere.Thecabinetinwhichhismotherhad
kepthisletterswasthere.Iwonderedifsheeverreadthemnow;ifshewouldeverreadthemmore!ThehousewassostillthatIheardthegirl'slightstepupstairs.Onherreturn,shebroughtamessage,totheeffectthatMrs.Steerforthwasaninvalidandcouldnotcomedown;butthatifIwouldexcuseherbeinginherchamber,shewouldbegladtoseeme.InafewmomentsIstoodbeforeher.Shewasinhisroom;notinherown.Ifelt,ofcourse,thatshehadtakentooccupyit,inremembranceofhim;andthatthemanytokensofhisoldsportsandaccomplishments,bywhichshewassurrounded,remainedthere,justashehadleftthem,forthesamereason.Shemurmured,however,eveninherreceptionofme,thatshewasoutofherownchamberbecauseitsaspectwasunsuitedtoherinfirmity;andwithherstatelylookrepelledtheleastsuspicionofthetruth.Atherchair,asusual,wasRosaDartle.Fromthefirstmomentofherdarkeyesrestingonme,IsawsheknewIwasthebearerofeviltidings.Thescarsprungintoviewthatinstant.Shewithdrewherselfastepbehindthechair,tokeepherownfaceoutofMrs.Steerforth'sobservation;andscrutinizedmewitha
piercinggazethatneverfaltered,nevershrunk.'Iamsorrytoobserveyouareinmourning,sir,'saidMrs.Steerforth.'Iamunhappilyawidower,'saidI.'Youareveryyoungtoknowsogreataloss,'shereturned.'Iamgrievedtohearit.Iamgrievedtohearit.IhopeTimewillbegoodtoyou.''IhopeTime,'saidI,lookingather,'willbegoodtoallofus.DearMrs.Steerforth,wemustalltrusttothat,inourheaviestmisfortunes.'Theearnestnessofmymanner,andthetearsinmyeyes,alarmedher.Thewholecourseofherthoughtsappearedtostop,andchange.Itriedtocommandmyvoiceingentlysayinghisname,butittrembled.Sherepeatedittoherself,twoorthreetimes,inalowtone.Then,addressingme,shesaid,withenforcedcalmness:
'Mysonisill.''Veryill.''Youhaveseenhim?''Ihave.''Areyoureconciled?'IcouldnotsayYes,IcouldnotsayNo.SheslightlyturnedherheadtowardsthespotwhereRosaDartlehadbeenstandingatherelbow,andinthatmomentIsaid,bythemotionofmylips,toRosa,'Dead!'ThatMrs.Steerforthmightnotbeinducedtolookbehindher,andread,plainlywritten,whatshewasnotyetpreparedtoknow,Imetherlookquickly;butIhadseenRosaDartlethrowherhandsupintheairwithvehemenceofdespairandhorror,andthenclaspthemonherface.Thehandsomelady-solike,ohsolike!-regardedmewithafixedlook,andputherhandtoherforehead.Ibesoughthertobecalm,
andprepareherselftobearwhatIhadtotell;butIshouldratherhaveentreatedhertoweep,forshesatlikeastonefigure.'WhenIwaslasthere,'Ifaltered,'MissDartletoldmehewassailinghereandthere.Thenightbeforelastwasadreadfuloneatsea.Ifhewereatseathatnight,andnearadangerouscoast,asitissaidhewas;andifthevesselthatwasseenshouldreallybetheshipwhich-''Rosa!'saidMrs.Steerforth,'cometome!'Shecame,butwithnosympathyorgentleness.Hereyesgleamedlikefireassheconfrontedhismother,andbrokeintoafrightfullaugh.'Now,'shesaid,'isyourprideappeased,youmadwoman?Nowhashemadeatonementtoyou-withhislife!Doyouhear?-Hislife!'Mrs.Steerforth,fallenbackstifflyinherchair,andmakingnosoundbutamoan,casthereyesuponherwithawidestare.'Aye!'criedRosa,smitingherselfpassionatelyonthebreast,'lookatme!Moan,andgroan,andlookatme!Lookhere!'striking
thescar,'atyourdeadchild'shandiwork!'Themoanthemotheruttered,fromtimetotime,wenttoMyheart.Alwaysthesame.Alwaysinarticulateandstifled.Alwaysaccompaniedwithanincapablemotionofthehead,butwithnochangeofface.Alwaysproceedingfromarigidmouthandclosedteeth,asifthejawwerelockedandthefacefrozenupinpain.'Doyourememberwhenhedidthis?'sheproceeded.'Doyourememberwhen,inhisinheritanceofyournature,andinyourpamperingofhisprideandpassion,hedidthis,anddisfiguredmeforlife?Lookatme,markeduntilIdiewithhishighdispleasure;andmoanandgroanforwhatyoumadehim!''MissDartle,'Ientreatedher.'ForHeaven'ssake-''IWILLspeak!'shesaid,turningonmewithherlightningeyes.'Besilent,you!Lookatme,Isay,proudmotherofaproud,falseson!Moanforyournurtureofhim,moanforyourcorruptionofhim,moanforyourlossofhim,moanformine!'Sheclenchedherhand,andtrembledthroughherspare,wornfigure,asifherpassionwerekillingherbyinches.
'You,resenthisself-will!'sheexclaimed.'You,injuredbyhishaughtytemper!You,whoopposedtoboth,whenyourhairwasgrey,thequalitieswhichmadebothwhenyougavehimbirth!YOU,whofromhiscradlerearedhimtobewhathewas,andstuntedwhatheshouldhavebeen!Areyourewarded,now,foryouryearsoftrouble?''Oh,MissDartle,shame!Ohcruel!''Itellyou,'shereturned,'IWILLspeaktoher.Nopoweronearthshouldstopme,whileIwasstandinghere!HaveIbeensilentalltheseyears,andshallInotspeaknow?Ilovedhimbetterthanyoueverlovedhim!'turningonherfiercely.'Icouldhavelovedhim,andaskednoreturn.IfIhadbeenhiswife,Icouldhavebeentheslaveofhiscapricesforawordofloveayear.Ishouldhavebeen.WhoknowsitbetterthanI?Youwereexacting,proud,punctilious,selfish.Mylovewouldhavebeendevoted-wouldhavetrodyourpaltrywhimperingunderfoot!'Withflashingeyes,shestampeduponthegroundasifsheactuallydidit.
'Lookhere!'shesaid,strikingthescaragain,witharelentlesshand.'Whenhegrewintothebetterunderstandingofwhathehaddone,hesawit,andrepentedofit!Icouldsingtohim,andtalktohim,andshowtheardourthatIfeltinallhedid,andattainwithlabourtosuchknowledgeasmostinterestedhim;andIattractedhim.Whenhewasfreshestandtruest,helovedme.Yes,hedid!Manyatime,whenyouwereputoffwithaslightword,hehastakenMetohisheart!'Shesaiditwithatauntingprideinthemidstofherfrenzy-foritwaslittleless-yetwithaneagerremembranceofit,inwhichthesmoulderingembersofagentlerfeelingkindledforthemoment.'Idescended-asImighthaveknownIshould,butthathefascinatedmewithhisboyishcourtship-intoadoll,atriflefortheoccupationofanidlehour,tobedropped,andtakenup,andtrifledwith,astheinconstanthumourtookhim.Whenhegrewweary,Igrewweary.Ashisfancydiedout,IwouldnomorehavetriedtostrengthenanypowerIhad,thanIwouldhavemarriedhimonhisbeingforcedtotakemeforhiswife.Wefellawayfromoneanotherwithoutaword.Perhapsyousawit,andwerenotsorry.Sincethen,Ihavebeenameredisfiguredpieceoffurniturebetweenyouboth;havingnoeyes,noears,nofeelings,no
remembrances.Moan?Moanforwhatyoumadehim;notforyourlove.Itellyouthatthetimewas,whenIlovedhimbetterthanyoueverdid!'Shestoodwithherbrightangryeyesconfrontingthewidestare,andthesetface;andsoftenednomore,whenthemoaningwasrepeated,thanifthefacehadbeenapicture.'MissDartle,'saidI,'ifyoucanbesoobdurateasnottofeelforthisafflictedmother-''Whofeelsforme?'shesharplyretorted.'Shehassownthis.Lethermoanfortheharvestthatshereapstoday!''Andifhisfaults-'Ibegan.'Faults!'shecried,burstingintopassionatetears.'Whodaresmalignhim?Hehadasoulworthmillionsofthefriendstowhomhestooped!''Noonecanhavelovedhimbetter,noonecanholdhimindearerremembrancethanI,'Ireplied.'Imeanttosay,ifyouhavenocompassionforhismother;orifhisfaults-youhavebeenbitter
onthem-''It'sfalse,'shecried,tearingherblackhair;'Ilovedhim!''-ifhisfaultscannot,'Iwenton,'bebanishedfromyourremembrance,insuchanhour;lookatthatfigure,evenasoneyouhaveneverseenbefore,andrenderitsomehelp!'Allthistime,thefigurewasunchanged,andlookedunchangeable.Motionless,rigid,staring;moaninginthesamedumbwayfromtimetotime,withthesamehelplessmotionofthehead;butgivingnoothersignoflife.MissDartlesuddenlykneeleddownbeforeit,andbegantoloosenthedress.'Acurseuponyou!'shesaid,lookingroundatme,withamingledexpressionofrageandgrief.'Itwasinanevilhourthatyouevercamehere!Acurseuponyou!Go!'Afterpassingoutoftheroom,Ihurriedbacktoringthebell,thesoonertoalarmtheservants.Shehadthentakentheimpassivefigureinherarms,and,stilluponherknees,wasweepingoverit,kissingit,callingtoit,rockingittoandfrouponherbosomlikeachild,andtryingeverytendermeanstorousethedormant
senses.Nolongerafraidofleavingher,Inoiselesslyturnedbackagain;andalarmedthehouseasIwentout.Laterintheday,Ireturned,andwelaidhiminhismother'sroom.Shewasjustthesame,theytoldme;MissDartleneverlefther;doctorswereinattendance,manythingshadbeentried;butshelaylikeastatue,exceptforthelowsoundnowandthen.Iwentthroughthedrearyhouse,anddarkenedthewindows.Thewindowsofthechamberwherehelay,Idarkenedlast.Ilifteduptheleadenhand,andheldittomyheart;andalltheworldseemeddeathandsilence,brokenonlybyhismother'smoaning.CHAPTER57THEEMIGRANTSOnethingmore,Ihadtodo,beforeyieldingmyselftotheshockoftheseemotions.Itwas,toconcealwhathadoccurred,fromthosewhoweregoingaway;andtodismissthemontheirvoyageinhappyignorance.Inthis,notimewastobelost.
ItookMr.Micawberasidethatsamenight,andconfidedtohimthetaskofstandingbetweenMr.Peggottyandintelligenceofthelatecatastrophe.Hezealouslyundertooktodoso,andtointerceptanynewspaperthroughwhichitmight,withoutsuchprecautions,reachhim.'Ifitpenetratestohim,sir,'saidMr.Micawber,strikinghimselfonthebreast,'itshallfirstpassthroughthisbody!'Mr.Micawber,Imustobserve,inhisadaptationofhimselftoanewstateofsociety,hadacquiredaboldbuccaneeringair,notabsolutelylawless,butdefensiveandprompt.Onemighthavesupposedhimachildofthewilderness,longaccustomedtoliveoutoftheconfinesofcivilization,andabouttoreturntohisnativewilds.Hehadprovidedhimself,amongotherthings,withacompletesuitofoilskin,andastrawhatwithaverylowcrown,pitchedorcaulkedontheoutside.Inthisroughclothing,withacommonmariner'stelescopeunderhisarm,andashrewdtrickofcastinguphiseyeattheskyaslookingoutfordirtyweather,hewasfarmorenautical,afterhismanner,thanMr.Peggotty.Hiswholefamily,ifImaysoexpressit,wereclearedforaction.Ifound
Mrs.Micawberintheclosestandmostuncompromisingofbonnets,madefastunderthechin;andinashawlwhichtiedherup(asIhadbeentiedup,whenmyauntfirstreceivedme)likeabundle,andwassecuredbehindatthewaist,inastrongknot.MissMicawberIfoundmadesnugforstormyweather,inthesamemanner;withnothingsuperfluousabouther.MasterMicawberwashardlyvisibleinaGuernseyshirt,andtheshaggiestsuitofslopsIeversaw;andthechildrenweredoneup,likepreservedmeats,inimperviouscases.BothMr.Micawberandhiseldestsonworetheirsleeveslooselyturnedbackatthewrists,asbeingreadytolendahandinanydirection,andto'tumbleup',orsingout,'Yeo-Heave-Yeo!'ontheshortestnotice.ThusTraddlesandIfoundthematnightfall,assembledonthewoodensteps,atthattimeknownasHungerfordStairs,watchingthedepartureofaboatwithsomeoftheirpropertyonboard.IhadtoldTraddlesoftheterribleevent,andithadgreatlyshockedhim;buttherecouldbenodoubtofthekindnessofkeepingitasecret,andhehadcometohelpmeinthislastservice.ItwasherethatItookMr.Micawberaside,andreceivedhispromise.TheMicawberfamilywerelodgedinalittle,dirty,tumble-downpublic-house,whichinthosedayswasclosetothestairs,and
whoseprotrudingwoodenroomsoverhungtheriver.Thefamily,asemigrants,beingobjectsofsomeinterestinandaboutHungerford,attractedsomanybeholders,thatweweregladtotakerefugeintheirroom.Itwasoneofthewoodenchambersupstairs,withthetideflowingunderneath.MyauntandAgneswerethere,busilymakingsomelittleextracomforts,inthewayofdress,forthechildren.Peggottywasquietlyassisting,withtheoldinsensiblework-box,yard-measure,andbitofwax-candlebeforeher,thathadnowoutlivedsomuch.Itwasnoteasytoanswerherinquiries;stilllesstowhisperMr.Peggotty,whenMr.Micawberbroughthimin,thatIhadgiventheletter,andallwaswell.ButIdidboth,andmadethemhappy.IfIshowedanytraceofwhatIfelt,myownsorrowsweresufficienttoaccountforit.'Andwhendoestheshipsail,Mr.Micawber?'askedmyaunt.Mr.Micawberconsidereditnecessarytoprepareeithermyauntorhiswife,bydegrees,andsaid,soonerthanhehadexpectedyesterday.'Theboatbroughtyouword,Isuppose?'saidmyaunt.
'Itdid,ma'am,'hereturned.'Well?'saidmyaunt.'Andshesails-''Madam,'hereplied,'Iaminformedthatwemustpositivelybeonboardbeforeseventomorrowmorning.''Heyday!'saidmyaunt,'that'ssoon.Isitasea-goingfact,Mr.Peggotty?'''Tisso,ma'am.She'lldropdowntheriverwiththattheertide.IfMas'rDavyandmysistercomesaboardatGravesen',arternoono'nextday,they'llseethelastonus.''Andthatweshalldo,'saidI,'besure!''Untilthen,anduntilweareatsea,'observedMr.Micawber,withaglanceofintelligenceatme,'Mr.Peggottyandmyselfwillconstantlykeepadoublelook-outtogether,onourgoodsandchattels.Emma,mylove,'saidMr.Micawber,clearinghisthroatinhismagnificentway,'myfriendMr.ThomasTraddlesissoobligingastosolicit,inmyear,thatheshouldhavetheprivilegeoforderingtheingredientsnecessarytothecomposition
ofamoderateportionofthatBeveragewhichispeculiarlyassociated,inourminds,withtheRoastBeefofOldEngland.Ialludeto-inshort,Punch.Underordinarycircumstances,IshouldscrupletoentreattheindulgenceofMissTrotwoodandMissWickfield,but-''Icanonlysayformyself,'saidmyaunt,'thatIwilldrinkallhappinessandsuccesstoyou,Mr.Micawber,withtheutmostpleasure.''AndItoo!'saidAgnes,withasmile.Mr.Micawberimmediatelydescendedtothebar,whereheappearedtobequiteathome;andinduetimereturnedwithasteamingjug.Icouldnotbutobservethathehadbeenpeelingthelemonswithhisownclasp-knife,which,asbecametheknifeofapracticalsettler,wasaboutafootlong;andwhichhewiped,notwhollywithoutostentation,onthesleeveofhiscoat.Mrs.MicawberandthetwoeldermembersofthefamilyInowfoundtobeprovidedwithsimilarformidableinstruments,whileeverychildhaditsownwoodenspoonattachedtoitsbodybyastrongline.Inasimilaranticipationoflifeafloat,andintheBush,Mr.Micawber,insteadofhelpingMrs.Micawberandhiseldestsonanddaughtertopunch,in
wine-glasses,whichhemighteasilyhavedone,fortherewasashelf-fullintheroom,serveditouttotheminaseriesofvillainouslittletinpots;andIneversawhimenjoyanythingsomuchasdrinkingoutofhisownparticularpintpot,andputtingitinhispocketatthecloseoftheevening.'Theluxuriesoftheoldcountry,'saidMr.Micawber,withanintensesatisfactionintheirrenouncement,'weabandon.Thedenizensoftheforestcannot,ofcourse,expecttoparticipateintherefinementsofthelandoftheFree.'Here,aboycameintosaythatMr.Micawberwaswanteddownstairs.'Ihaveapresentiment,'saidMrs.Micawber,settingdownhertinpot,'thatitisamemberofmyfamily!''Ifso,mydear,'observedMr.Micawber,withhisusualsuddennessofwarmthonthatsubject,'asthememberofyourfamily-whoeverhe,she,orit,maybe-haskeptuswaitingforaconsiderableperiod,perhapstheMembermaynowwaitMYconvenience.''Micawber,'saidhiswife,inalowtone,'atsuchatimeasthis-'
'"Itisnotmeet,"'saidMr.Micawber,rising,'"thateveryniceoffenceshouldbearitscomment!"Emma,Istandreproved.''Theloss,Micawber,'observedhiswife,'hasbeenmyfamily's,notyours.Ifmyfamilyareatlengthsensibleofthedeprivationtowhichtheirownconducthas,inthepast,exposedthem,andnowdesiretoextendthehandoffellowship,letitnotberepulsed.''Mydear,'hereturned,'sobeit!''Ifnotfortheirsakes;formine,Micawber,'saidhiswife.'Emma,'hereturned,'thatviewofthequestionis,atsuchamoment,irresistible.Icannot,evennow,distinctlypledgemyselftofalluponyourfamily'sneck;butthememberofyourfamily,whoisnowinattendance,shallhavenogenialwarmthfrozenbyme.'Mr.Micawberwithdrew,andwasabsentsomelittletime;inthecourseofwhichMrs.MicawberwasnotwhollyfreefromanapprehensionthatwordsmighthavearisenbetweenhimandtheMember.Atlengththesameboyreappeared,andpresentedmewithanotewritteninpencil,andheaded,inalegalmanner,'Heepv.
Micawber'.Fromthisdocument,IlearnedthatMr.Micawberbeingagainarrested,'Wasinafinalparoxysmofdespair;andthathebeggedmetosendhimhisknifeandpintpot,bybearer,astheymightproveserviceableduringthebriefremainderofhisexistence,injail.Healsorequested,asalastactoffriendship,thatIwouldseehisfamilytotheParishWorkhouse,andforgetthatsuchaBeingeverlived.OfcourseIansweredthisnotebygoingdownwiththeboytopaythemoney,whereIfoundMr.Micawbersittinginacorner,lookingdarklyattheSheriff'sOfficerwhohadeffectedthecapture.Onhisrelease,heembracedmewiththeutmostfervour;andmadeanentryofthetransactioninhispocket-book-beingveryparticular,Irecollect,aboutahalfpennyIinadvertentlyomittedfrommystatementofthetotal.Thismomentouspocket-bookwasatimelyremindertohimofanothertransaction.Onourreturntotheroomupstairs(whereheaccountedforhisabsencebysayingthatithadbeenoccasionedbycircumstancesoverwhichhehadnocontrol),hetookoutofitalargesheetofpaper,foldedsmall,andquitecoveredwithlongsums,carefullyworked.FromtheglimpseIhadofthem,IshouldsaythatIneversawsuchsumsoutofaschoolciphering-book.
These,itseemed,werecalculationsofcompoundinterestonwhathecalled'theprincipalamountofforty-one,ten,elevenandahalf',forvariousperiods.Afteracarefulconsiderationofthese,andanelaborateestimateofhisresources,hehadcometotheconclusiontoselectthatsumwhichrepresentedtheamountwithcompoundinteresttotwoyears,fifteencalendarmonths,andfourteendays,fromthatdate.Forthishehaddrawnanote-of-handwithgreatneatness,whichhehandedovertoTraddlesonthespot,adischargeofhisdebtinfull(asbetweenmanandman),withmanyacknowledgements.'Ihavestillapresentiment,'saidMrs.Micawber,pensivelyshakingherhead,'thatmyfamilywillappearonboard,beforewefinallydepart.'Mr.Micawberevidentlyhadhispresentimentonthesubjecttoo,butheputitinhistinpotandswallowedit.'Ifyouhaveanyopportunityofsendinglettershome,onyourpassage,Mrs.Micawber,'saidmyaunt,'youmustletushearfromyou,youknow.''MydearMissTrotwood,'shereplied,'Ishallonlybetoohappyto
thinkthatanyoneexpectstohearfromus.Ishallnotfailtocorrespond.Mr.Copperfield,Itrust,asanoldandfamiliarfriend,willnotobjecttoreceiveoccasionalintelligence,himself,fromonewhoknewhimwhenthetwinswereyetunconscious?'IsaidthatIshouldhopetohear,whenevershehadanopportunityofwriting.'PleaseHeaven,therewillbemanysuchopportunities,'saidMr.Micawber.'Theocean,inthesetimes,isaperfectfleetofships;andwecanhardlyfailtoencountermany,inrunningover.Itismerelycrossing,'saidMr.Micawber,triflingwithhiseye-glass,'merelycrossing.Thedistanceisquiteimaginary.'Ithink,now,howodditwas,buthowwonderfullylikeMr.Micawber,that,whenhewentfromLondontoCanterbury,heshouldhavetalkedasifheweregoingtothefarthestlimitsoftheearth;and,whenhewentfromEnglandtoAustralia,asifheweregoingforalittletripacrossthechannel.'Onthevoyage,Ishallendeavour,'saidMr.Micawber,'occasionallytospinthemayarn;andthemelodyofmysonWilkins
will,Itrust,beacceptableatthegalley-fire.WhenMrs.Micawberhashersea-legson-anexpressioninwhichIhopethereisnoconventionalimpropriety-shewillgivethem,Idaresay,"LittleTafflin".Porpoisesanddolphins,Ibelieve,willbefrequentlyobservedathwartourBows;and,eitheronthestarboardorthelarboardquarter,objectsofinterestwillbecontinuallydescried.Inshort,'saidMr.Micawber,withtheoldgenteelair,'theprobabilityis,allwillbefoundsoexciting,alowandaloft,thatwhenthelookout,stationedinthemain-top,criesLand-oh!weshallbeveryconsiderablyastonished!'Withthatheflourishedoffthecontentsofhislittletinpot,asifhehadmadethevoyage,andhadpassedafirst-classexaminationbeforethehighestnavalauthorities.'WhatIchieflyhope,mydearMr.Copperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,'is,thatinsomebranchesofourfamilywemayliveagainintheoldcountry.Donotfrown,Micawber!Idonotnowrefertomyownfamily,buttoourchildren'schildren.Howevervigorousthesapling,'saidMrs.Micawber,shakingherhead,'Icannotforgettheparent-tree;andwhenourraceattainstoeminenceandfortune,IownIshouldwishthatfortunetoflowintothecoffersofBritannia.'
'Mydear,'saidMr.Micawber,'Britanniamusttakeherchance.Iamboundtosaythatshehasneverdonemuchforme,andthatIhavenoparticularwishuponthesubject.''Micawber,'returnedMrs.Micawber,'there,youarewrong.Youaregoingout,Micawber,tothisdistantclime,tostrengthen,nottoweaken,theconnexionbetweenyourselfandAlbion.''Theconnexioninquestion,mylove,'rejoinedMr.Micawber,'hasnotlaidme,Irepeat,underthatloadofpersonalobligation,thatIamatallsensitiveastotheformationofanotherconnexion.''Micawber,'returnedMrs.Micawber.'There,Iagainsay,youarewrong.Youdonotknowyourpower,Micawber.Itisthatwhichwillstrengthen,eveninthisstepyouareabouttotake,theconnexionbetweenyourselfandAlbion.'Mr.Micawbersatinhiselbow-chair,withhiseyebrowsraised;halfreceivingandhalfrepudiatingMrs.Micawber'sviewsastheywerestated,butverysensibleoftheirforesight.'MydearMr.Copperfield,'saidMrs.Micawber,'IwishMr.Micawber
tofeelhisposition.ItappearstomehighlyimportantthatMr.Micawbershould,fromthehourofhisembarkation,feelhisposition.Youroldknowledgeofme,mydearMr.Copperfield,willhavetoldyouthatIhavenotthesanguinedispositionofMr.Micawber.Mydispositionis,ifImaysayso,eminentlypractical.Iknowthatthisisalongvoyage.Iknowthatitwillinvolvemanyprivationsandinconveniences.Icannotshutmyeyestothosefacts.ButIalsoknowwhatMr.Micawberis.IknowthelatentpowerofMr.Micawber.AndthereforeIconsideritvitallyimportantthatMr.Micawbershouldfeelhisposition.''Mylove,'heobserved,'perhapsyouwillallowmetoremarkthatitisbarelypossiblethatIDOfeelmypositionatthepresentmoment.''Ithinknot,Micawber,'sherejoined.'Notfully.MydearMr.Copperfield,Mr.Micawber'sisnotacommoncase.Mr.Micawberisgoingtoadistantcountryexpresslyinorderthathemaybefullyunderstoodandappreciatedforthefirsttime.IwishMr.Micawbertotakehisstanduponthatvessel'sprow,andfirmlysay,"ThiscountryIamcometoconquer!Haveyouhonours?Haveyouriches?Haveyoupostsofprofitablepecuniaryemolument?Letthembebroughtforward.Theyaremine!"'
Mr.Micawber,glancingatusall,seemedtothinktherewasagooddealinthisidea.'IwishMr.Micawber,ifImakemyselfunderstood,'saidMrs.Micawber,inherargumentativetone,'tobetheCaesarofhisownfortunes.That,mydearMr.Copperfield,appearstometobehistrueposition.Fromthefirstmomentofthisvoyage,IwishMr.Micawbertostanduponthatvessel'sprowandsay,"Enoughofdelay:enoughofdisappointment:enoughoflimitedmeans.Thatwasintheoldcountry.Thisisthenew.Produceyourreparation.Bringitforward!"'Mr.Micawberfoldedhisarmsinaresolutemanner,asifhewerethenstationedonthefigure-head.'Anddoingthat,'saidMrs.Micawber,'-feelinghisposition-amInotrightinsayingthatMr.Micawberwillstrengthen,andnotweaken,hisconnexionwithBritain?Animportantpubliccharacterarisinginthathemisphere,shallIbetoldthatitsinfluencewillnotbefeltathome?CanIbesoweakastoimaginethatMr.Micawber,wieldingtherodoftalentandofpowerinAustralia,willbenothinginEngland?Iambutawoman;butIshouldbe
unworthyofmyselfandofmypapa,ifIwereguiltyofsuchabsurdweakness.'Mrs.Micawber'sconvictionthatherargumentswereunanswerable,gaveamoralelevationtohertonewhichIthinkIhadneverheardinitbefore.'Andthereforeitis,'saidMrs.Micawber,'thatIthemorewish,that,atafutureperiod,wemayliveagainontheparentsoil.Mr.Micawbermaybe-Icannotdisguisefrommyselfthattheprobabilityis,Mr.Micawberwillbe-apageofHistory;andheoughtthentoberepresentedinthecountrywhichgavehimbirth,anddidNOTgivehimemployment!''Mylove,'observedMr.Micawber,'itisimpossibleformenottobetouchedbyyouraffection.Iamalwayswillingtodefertoyourgoodsense.Whatwillbe-willbe.HeavenforbidthatIshouldgrudgemynativecountryanyportionofthewealththatmaybeaccumulatedbyourdescendants!''That'swell,'saidmyaunt,noddingtowardsMr.Peggotty,'andIdrinkmylovetoyouall,andeveryblessingandsuccessattendyou!'
Mr.Peggottyputdownthetwochildrenhehadbeennursing,oneoneachknee,tojoinMr.andMrs.Micawberindrinkingtoallofusinreturn;andwhenheandtheMicawberscordiallyshookhandsascomrades,andhisbrownfacebrightenedwithasmile,Ifeltthathewouldmakehisway,establishagoodname,andbebeloved,gowherehewould.Eventhechildrenwereinstructed,eachtodipawoodenspoonintoMr.Micawber'spot,andpledgeusinitscontents.Whenthiswasdone,myauntandAgnesrose,andpartedfromtheemigrants.Itwasasorrowfulfarewell.Theywereallcrying;thechildrenhungaboutAgnestothelast;andweleftpoorMrs.Micawberinaverydistressedcondition,sobbingandweepingbyadimcandle,thatmusthavemadetheroomlook,fromtheriver,likeamiserablelight-house.Iwentdownagainnextmorningtoseethattheywereaway.Theyhaddeparted,inaboat,asearlyasfiveo'clock.Itwasawonderfulinstancetomeofthegapsuchpartingsmake,thatalthoughmyassociationofthemwiththetumble-downpublic-houseandthewoodenstairsdatedonlyfromlastnight,bothseemeddrearyanddeserted,nowthattheyweregone.
Intheafternoonofthenextday,myoldnurseandIwentdowntoGravesend.Wefoundtheshipintheriver,surroundedbyacrowdofboats;afavourablewindblowing;thesignalforsailingathermast-head.Ihiredaboatdirectly,andweputofftoher;andgettingthroughthelittlevortexofconfusionofwhichshewasthecentre,wentonboard.Mr.Peggottywaswaitingforusondeck.HetoldmethatMr.Micawberhadjustnowbeenarrestedagain(andforthelasttime)atthesuitofHeep,andthat,incompliancewitharequestIhadmadetohim,hehadpaidthemoney,whichIrepaidhim.Hethentookusdownbetweendecks;andthere,anylingeringfearsIhadofhishavingheardanyrumoursofwhathadhappened,weredispelledbyMr.Micawber'scomingoutofthegloom,takinghisarmwithanairoffriendshipandprotection,andtellingmethattheyhadscarcelybeenasunderforamoment,sincethenightbeforelast.Itwassuchastrangescenetome,andsoconfinedanddark,that,atfirst,Icouldmakeouthardlyanything;but,bydegrees,itcleared,asmyeyesbecamemoreaccustomedtothegloom,andIseemedtostandinapicturebyOSTADE.Amongthegreatbeams,bulks,andringboltsoftheship,andtheemigrant-berths,and
chests,andbundles,andbarrels,andheapsofmiscellaneousbaggage-'lightedup,hereandthere,bydanglinglanterns;andelsewherebytheyellowdaylightstrayingdownawindsailorahatchway-werecrowdedgroupsofpeople,makingnewfriendships,takingleaveofoneanother,talking,laughing,crying,eatinganddrinking;some,alreadysettleddownintothepossessionoftheirfewfeetofspace,withtheirlittlehouseholdsarranged,andtinychildrenestablishedonstools,orindwarfelbow-chairs;others,despairingofaresting-place,andwanderingdisconsolately.Frombabieswhohadbutaweekortwooflifebehindthem,tocrookedoldmenandwomenwhoseemedtohavebutaweekortwooflifebeforethem;andfromploughmenbodilycarryingoutsoilofEnglandontheirboots,tosmithstakingawaysamplesofitssootandsmokeupontheirskins;everyageandoccupationappearedtobecrammedintothenarrowcompassofthe'tweendecks.Asmyeyeglancedroundthisplace,IthoughtIsawsitting,byanopenport,withoneoftheMicawberchildrennearher,afigurelikeEmily's;itfirstattractedmyattention,byanotherfigurepartingfromitwithakiss;andasitglidedcalmlyawaythroughthedisorder,remindingmeof-Agnes!Butintherapidmotionandconfusion,andintheunsettlementofmyownthoughts,Ilostitagain;andonlyknewthatthetimewascomewhenallvisitorswere
beingwarnedtoleavetheship;thatmynursewascryingonachestbesideme;andthatMrs.Gummidge,assistedbysomeyoungerstoopingwomaninblack,wasbusilyarrangingMr.Peggotty'sgoods.'Isthereanylastwured,Mas'rDavy?'saidhe.'Isthereanyoneforgottenthingaforeweparts?''Onething!'saidI.'Martha!'HetouchedtheyoungerwomanIhavementionedontheshoulder,andMarthastoodbeforeme.'Heavenblessyou,yougoodman!'criedI.'Youtakeherwithyou!'Sheansweredforhim,withaburstoftears.Icouldspeaknomoreatthattime,butIwrunghishand;andifeverIhavelovedandhonouredanyman,Ilovedandhonouredthatmaninmysoul.Theshipwasclearingfastofstrangers.ThegreatesttrialthatIhad,remained.Itoldhimwhatthenoblespiritthatwasgone,hadgivenmeinchargetosayatparting.Itmovedhimdeeply.Butwhenhechargedme,inreturn,withmanymessagesofaffection
andregretforthosedeafears,hemovedmemore.Thetimewascome.Iembracedhim,tookmyweepingnurseuponmyarm,andhurriedaway.Ondeck,ItookleaveofpoorMrs.Micawber.Shewaslookingdistractedlyaboutforherfamily,eventhen;andherlastwordstomewere,thatsheneverwoulddesertMr.Micawber.Wewentoverthesideintoourboat,andlayatalittledistance,toseetheshipwaftedonhercourse.Itwasthencalm,radiantsunset.Shelaybetweenus,andtheredlight;andeverytaperlineandsparwasvisibleagainsttheglow.Asightatoncesobeautiful,somournful,andsohopeful,asthegloriousship,lying,still,ontheflushedwater,withallthelifeonboardhercrowdedatthebulwarks,andthereclustering,foramoment,bare-headedandsilent,Ineversaw.Silent,onlyforamoment.Asthesailsrosetothewind,andtheshipbegantomove,therebrokefromalltheboatsthreeresoundingcheers,whichthoseonboardtookup,andechoedback,andwhichwereechoedandre-echoed.MyheartburstoutwhenIheardthesound,andbeheldthewavingofthehatsandhandkerchiefs-andthenIsawher!
ThenIsawher,atheruncle'sside,andtremblingonhisshoulder.Hepointedtouswithaneagerhand;andshesawus,andwavedherlastgood-byetome.Aye,Emily,beautifulanddrooping,clingtohimwiththeutmosttrustofthybruisedheart;forhehasclungtothee,withallthemightofhisgreatlove!Surroundedbytherosylight,andstandinghighuponthedeck,aparttogether,sheclingingtohim,andheholdingher,theysolemnlypassedaway.ThenighthadfallenontheKentishhillswhenwewererowedashore-andfallendarklyuponme.CHAPTER58ABSENCEItwasalongandgloomynightthatgatheredonme,hauntedbytheghostsofmanyhopes,ofmanydearremembrances,manyerrors,manyunavailingsorrowsandregrets.IwentawayfromEngland;notknowing,eventhen,howgreattheshockwas,thatIhadtobear.Ileftallwhoweredeartome,and
wentaway;andbelievedthatIhadborneit,anditwaspast.Asamanuponafieldofbattlewillreceiveamortalhurt,andscarcelyknowthatheisstruck,soI,whenIwasleftalonewithmyundisciplinedheart,hadnoconceptionofthewoundwithwhichithadtostrive.Theknowledgecameuponme,notquickly,butlittlebylittle,andgrainbygrain.ThedesolatefeelingwithwhichIwentabroad,deepenedandwidenedhourly.Atfirstitwasaheavysenseoflossandsorrow,whereinIcoulddistinguishlittleelse.Byimperceptibledegrees,itbecameahopelessconsciousnessofallthatIhadlost-love,friendship,interest;ofallthathadbeenshattered-myfirsttrust,myfirstaffection,thewholeairycastleofmylife;ofallthatremained-aruinedblankandwaste,lyingwidearoundme,unbroken,tothedarkhorizon.Ifmygriefwereselfish,Ididnotknowittobeso.Imournedformychild-wife,takenfromherbloomingworld,soyoung.Imournedforhimwhomighthavewontheloveandadmirationofthousands,ashehadwonminelongago.Imournedforthebrokenheartthathadfoundrestinthestormysea;andforthewanderingremnantsofthesimplehome,whereIhadheardthenight-windblowing,whenIwasachild.
FromtheaccumulatedsadnessintowhichIfell,Ihadatlengthnohopeofeverissuingagain.Iroamedfromplacetoplace,carryingmyburdenwithmeeverywhere.Ifeltitswholeweightnow;andIdroopedbeneathit,andIsaidinmyheartthatitcouldneverbelightened.Whenthisdespondencywasatitsworst,IbelievedthatIshoulddie.Sometimes,IthoughtthatIwouldliketodieathome;andactuallyturnedbackonmyroad,thatImightgettheresoon.Atothertimes,Ipassedonfartheraway,-fromcitytocity,seekingIknownotwhat,andtryingtoleaveIknownotwhatbehind.Itisnotinmypowertoretrace,onebyone,allthewearyphasesofdistressofmindthroughwhichIpassed.Therearesomedreamsthatcanonlybeimperfectlyandvaguelydescribed;andwhenIobligemyselftolookbackonthistimeofmylife,Iseemtoberecallingsuchadream.Iseemyselfpassingonamongthenoveltiesofforeigntowns,palaces,cathedrals,temples,pictures,castles,tombs,fantasticstreets-theoldabidingplacesofHistoryandFancy-asadreamermight;bearingmypainfulloadthroughall,andhardlyconsciousoftheobjectsastheyfadebeforeme.Listlessnesstoeverything,butbroodingsorrow,was
thenightthatfellonmyundisciplinedheart.Letmelookupfromit-asatlastIdid,thankHeaven!-andfromitslong,sad,wretcheddream,todawn.FormanymonthsItravelledwiththisever-darkeningclouduponmymind.SomeblindreasonsthatIhadfornotreturninghome-reasonsthenstrugglingwithinme,vainly,formoredistinctexpression-keptmeonmypilgrimage.Sometimes,Ihadproceededrestlesslyfromplacetoplace,stoppingnowhere;sometimes,Ihadlingeredlonginonespot.Ihadhadnopurpose,nosustainingsoulwithinme,anywhere.IwasinSwitzerland.IhadcomeoutofItaly,overoneofthegreatpassesoftheAlps,andhadsincewanderedwithaguideamongtheby-waysofthemountains.Ifthoseawfulsolitudeshadspokentomyheart,Ididnotknowit.Ihadfoundsublimityandwonderinthedreadheightsandprecipices,intheroaringtorrents,andthewastesoficeandsnow;butasyet,theyhadtaughtmenothingelse.Icame,oneeveningbeforesunset,downintoavalley,whereIwastorest.Inthecourseofmydescenttoit,bythewindingtrackalongthemountain-side,fromwhichIsawitshiningfarbelow,I
thinksomelong-unwontedsenseofbeautyandtranquillity,somesofteninginfluenceawakenedbyitspeace,movedfaintlyinmybreast.Irememberpausingonce,withakindofsorrowthatwasnotalloppressive,notquitedespairing.Irememberalmosthopingthatsomebetterchangewaspossiblewithinme.Icameintothevalley,astheeveningsunwasshiningontheremoteheightsofsnow,thatcloseditin,likeeternalclouds.Thebasesofthemountainsformingthegorgeinwhichthelittlevillagelay,wererichlygreen;andhighabovethisgentlervegetation,grewforestsofdarkfir,cleavingthewintrysnow-drift,wedge-like,andstemmingtheavalanche.Abovethese,wererangeuponrangeofcraggysteeps,greyrock,brightice,andsmoothverdure-specksofpasture,allgraduallyblendingwiththecrowningsnow.Dottedhereandthereonthemountain's-side,eachtinydotahome,werelonelywoodencottages,sodwarfedbythetoweringheightsthattheyappearedtoosmallfortoys.Sodideventheclusteredvillageinthevalley,withitswoodenbridgeacrossthestream,wherethestreamtumbledoverbrokenrocks,androaredawayamongthetrees.Inthequietair,therewasasoundofdistantsinging-shepherdvoices;but,asonebrighteveningcloudfloatedmidwayalongthemountain's-side,Icouldalmosthavebelieveditcamefromthere,andwasnotearthlymusic.Allat
once,inthisserenity,greatNaturespoketome;andsoothedmetolaydownmywearyheaduponthegrass,andweepasIhadnotweptyet,sinceDoradied!Ihadfoundapacketoflettersawaitingmebutafewminutesbefore,andhadstrolledoutofthevillagetoreadthemwhilemysupperwasmakingready.Otherpacketshadmissedme,andIhadreceivednoneforalongtime.Beyondalineortwo,tosaythatIwaswell,andhadarrivedatsuchaplace,IhadnothadfortitudeorconstancytowritealettersinceIlefthome.Thepacketwasinmyhand.Iopenedit,andreadthewritingofAgnes.Shewashappyanduseful,wasprosperingasshehadhoped.Thatwasallshetoldmeofherself.Therestreferredtome.Shegavemenoadvice;sheurgednodutyonme;sheonlytoldme,inherownferventmanner,whathertrustinmewas.Sheknew(shesaid)howsuchanatureasminewouldturnafflictiontogood.Sheknewhowtrialandemotionwouldexaltandstrengthenit.ShewassurethatinmyeverypurposeIshouldgainafirmerandahighertendency,throughthegriefIhadundergone.She,whosogloried
inmyfame,andsolookedforwardtoitsaugmentation,wellknewthatIwouldlabouron.Sheknewthatinme,sorrowcouldnotbeweakness,butmustbestrength.AstheenduranceofmychildishdayshaddoneitsparttomakemewhatIwas,sogreatercalamitieswouldnervemeon,tobeyetbetterthanIwas;andso,astheyhadtaughtme,wouldIteachothers.ShecommendedmetoGod,whohadtakenmyinnocentdarlingtoHisrest;andinhersisterlyaffectioncherishedmealways,andwasalwaysatmysidegowhereIwould;proudofwhatIhaddone,butinfinitelyprouderyetofwhatIwasreservedtodo.Iputtheletterinmybreast,andthoughtwhathadIbeenanhourago!WhenIheardthevoicesdieaway,andsawthequieteveningcloudgrowdim,andallthecoloursinthevalleyfade,andthegoldensnowuponthemountain-topsbecomearemotepartofthepalenightsky,yetfeltthatthenightwaspassingfrommymind,andallitsshadowsclearing,therewasnonamefortheloveIboreher,dearertome,henceforward,thaneveruntilthen.Ireadherlettermanytimes.IwrotetoherbeforeIslept.ItoldherthatIhadbeeninsoreneedofherhelp;thatwithoutherIwasnot,andIneverhadbeen,whatshethoughtme;butthatsheinspiredmetobethat,andIwouldtry.
Ididtry.Inthreemonthsmore,ayearwouldhavepassedsincethebeginningofmysorrow.Ideterminedtomakenoresolutionsuntiltheexpirationofthosethreemonths,buttotry.Ilivedinthatvalley,anditsneighbourhood,allthetime.Thethreemonthsgone,Iresolvedtoremainawayfromhomeforsometimelonger;tosettlemyselfforthepresentinSwitzerland,whichwasgrowingdeartomeintheremembranceofthatevening;toresumemypen;towork.IresortedhumblywhitherAgneshadcommendedme;IsoughtoutNature,neversoughtinvain;andIadmittedtomybreastthehumaninterestIhadlatelyshrunkfrom.Itwasnotlong,beforeIhadalmostasmanyfriendsinthevalleyasinYarmouth:andwhenIleftit,beforethewintersetin,forGeneva,andcamebackinthespring,theircordialgreetingshadahomelysoundtome,althoughtheywerenotconveyedinEnglishwords.Iworkedearlyandlate,patientlyandhard.IwroteaStory,withapurposegrowing,notremotely,outofmyexperience,andsentittoTraddles,andhearrangedforitspublicationveryadvantageouslyforme;andthetidingsofmygrowingreputation
begantoreachmefromtravellerswhomIencounteredbychance.Aftersomerestandchange,Ifelltowork,inmyoldardentway,onanewfancy,whichtookstrongpossessionofme.AsIadvancedintheexecutionofthistask,Ifeltitmoreandmore,androusedmyutmostenergiestodoitwell.Thiswasmythirdworkoffiction.Itwasnothalfwritten,when,inanintervalofrest,Ithoughtofreturninghome.Foralongtime,thoughstudyingandworkingpatiently,Ihadaccustomedmyselftorobustexercise.Myhealth,severelyimpairedwhenIleftEngland,wasquiterestored.Ihadseenmuch.Ihadbeeninmanycountries,andIhopeIhadimprovedmystoreofknowledge.IhavenowrecalledallthatIthinkitneedfultorecallhere,ofthistermofabsence-withonereservation.Ihavemadeit,thusfar,withnopurposeofsuppressinganyofmythoughts;for,asIhaveelsewheresaid,thisnarrativeismywrittenmemory.Ihavedesiredtokeepthemostsecretcurrentofmymindapart,andtothelast.Ienteronitnow.Icannotsocompletelypenetratethemysteryofmyownheart,astoknowwhenIbegantothinkthatImighthavesetitsearliestandbrightesthopesonAgnes.Icannotsayatwhatstageofmygriefitfirstbecameassociatedwiththe
reflection,that,inmywaywardboyhood,Ihadthrownawaythetreasureofherlove.IbelieveImayhaveheardsomewhisperofthatdistantthought,intheoldunhappylossorwantofsomethingnevertoberealized,ofwhichIhadbeensensible.Butthethoughtcameintomymindasanewreproachandnewregret,whenIwasleftsosadandlonelyintheworld.If,atthattime,Ihadbeenmuchwithher,Ishould,intheweaknessofmydesolation,havebetrayedthis.ItwaswhatIremotelydreadedwhenIwasfirstimpelledtostayawayfromEngland.Icouldnothavebornetolosethesmallestportionofhersisterlyaffection;yet,inthatbetrayal,Ishouldhavesetaconstraintbetweenushithertounknown.Icouldnotforgetthatthefeelingwithwhichshenowregardedmehadgrownupinmyownfreechoiceandcourse.Thatifshehadeverlovedmewithanotherlove-andIsometimesthoughtthetimewaswhenshemighthavedoneso-Ihadcastitaway.Itwasnothing,now,thatIhadaccustomedmyselftothinkofher,whenwewerebothmerechildren,asonewhowasfarremovedfrommywildfancies.Ihadbestowedmypassionatetendernessuponanotherobject;andwhatImighthavedone,Ihadnotdone;andwhatAgneswastome,Iandherownnoblehearthadmadeher.
Inthebeginningofthechangethatgraduallyworkedinme,whenItriedtogetabetterunderstandingofmyselfandbeabetterman,Ididglance,throughsomeindefiniteprobation,toaperiodwhenImightpossiblyhopetocancelthemistakenpast,andtobesoblessedastomarryher.But,astimeworeon,thisshadowyprospectfaded,anddepartedfromme.Ifshehadeverlovedme,then,Ishouldholdherthemoresacred;rememberingtheconfidencesIhadreposedinher,herknowledgeofmyerrantheart,thesacrificeshemusthavemadetobemyfriendandsister,andthevictoryshehadwon.Ifshehadneverlovedme,couldIbelievethatshewouldlovemenow?Ihadalwaysfeltmyweakness,incomparisonwithherconstancyandfortitude;andnowIfeltitmoreandmore.WhateverImighthavebeentoher,orshetome,ifIhadbeenmoreworthyofherlongago,Iwasnotnow,andshewasnot.Thetimewaspast.Ihadletitgoby,andhaddeservedlylosther.ThatIsufferedmuchinthesecontentions,thattheyfilledmewithunhappinessandremorse,andyetthatIhadasustainingsensethatitwasrequiredofme,inrightandhonour,tokeepawayfrommyself,withshame,thethoughtofturningtothedeargirlinthe
witheringofmyhopes,fromwhomIhadfrivolouslyturnedwhentheywerebrightandfresh-whichconsiderationwasattherootofeverythoughtIhadconcerningher-isallequallytrue.Imadenoefforttoconcealfrommyself,now,thatIlovedher,thatIwasdevotedtoher;butIbroughttheassurancehometomyself,thatitwasnowtoolate,andthatourlong-subsistingrelationmustbeundisturbed.Ihadthought,muchandoften,ofmyDora'sshadowingouttomewhatmighthavehappened,inthoseyearsthatweredestinednottotryus;Ihadconsideredhowthethingsthatneverhappen,areoftenasmuchrealitiestous,intheireffects,asthosethatareaccomplished.Theveryyearsshespokeof,wererealitiesnow,formycorrection;andwouldhavebeen,oneday,alittlelaterperhaps,thoughwehadpartedinourearliestfolly.IendeavouredtoconvertwhatmighthavebeenbetweenmyselfandAgnes,intoameansofmakingmemoreself-denying,moreresolved,moreconsciousofmyself,andmydefectsanderrors.Thus,throughthereflectionthatitmighthavebeen,Iarrivedattheconvictionthatitcouldneverbe.These,withtheirperplexitiesandinconsistencies,weretheshiftingquicksandsofmymind,fromthetimeofmydepartureto
thetimeofmyreturnhome,threeyearsafterwards.Threeyearshadelapsedsincethesailingoftheemigrantship;when,atthatsamehourofsunset,andinthesameplace,Istoodonthedeckofthepacketvesselthatbroughtmehome,lookingontherosywaterwhereIhadseentheimageofthatshipreflected.Threeyears.Longintheaggregate,thoughshortastheywentby.Andhomewasverydeartome,andAgnestoo-butshewasnotmine-shewasnevertobemine.Shemighthavebeen,butthatwaspast!CHAPTER59RETURNIlandedinLondononawintryautumnevening.Itwasdarkandraining,andIsawmorefogandmudinaminutethanIhadseeninayear.IwalkedfromtheCustomHousetotheMonumentbeforeIfoundacoach;andalthoughtheveryhouse-fronts,lookingontheswollengutters,werelikeoldfriendstome,Icouldnotbutadmitthattheywereverydingyfriends.
Ihaveoftenremarked-Isupposeeverybodyhas-thatone'sgoingawayfromafamiliarplace,wouldseemtobethesignalforchangeinit.AsIlookedoutofthecoachwindow,andobservedthatanoldhouseonFish-streetHill,whichhadstooduntouchedbypainter,carpenter,orbricklayer,foracentury,hadbeenpulleddowninmyabsence;andthataneighbouringstreet,oftime-honouredinsalubrityandinconvenience,wasbeingdrainedandwidened;IhalfexpectedtofindSt.Paul'sCathedrallookingolder.Forsomechangesinthefortunesofmyfriends,Iwasprepared.Myaunthadlongbeenre-establishedatDover,andTraddleshadbeguntogetintosomelittlepracticeattheBar,intheveryfirsttermaftermydeparture.HehadchambersinGray'sInn,now;andhadtoldme,inhislastletters,thathewasnotwithouthopesofbeingsoonunitedtothedearestgirlintheworld.TheyexpectedmehomebeforeChristmas;buthadnoideaofmyreturningsosoon.Ihadpurposelymisledthem,thatImighthavethepleasureoftakingthembysurprise.Andyet,Iwasperverseenoughtofeelachillanddisappointmentinreceivingnowelcome,andrattling,aloneandsilent,throughthemistystreets.
Thewell-knownshops,however,withtheircheerfullights,didsomethingforme;andwhenIalightedatthedooroftheGray'sInnCoffee-house,Ihadrecoveredmyspirits.Itrecalled,atfirst,thatso-differenttimewhenIhadputupattheGoldenCross,andremindedmeofthechangesthathadcometopasssincethen;butthatwasnatural.'DoyouknowwhereMr.TraddleslivesintheInn?'Iaskedthewaiter,asIwarmedmyselfbythecoffee-roomfire.'HolbornCourt,sir.Numbertwo.''Mr.Traddleshasarisingreputationamongthelawyers,Ibelieve?'saidI.'Well,sir,'returnedthewaiter,'probablyhehas,sir;butIamnotawareofitmyself.'Thiswaiter,whowasmiddle-agedandspare,lookedforhelptoawaiterofmoreauthority-astout,potentialoldman,withadoublechin,inblackbreechesandstockings,whocameoutofaplacelikeachurchwarden'spew,attheendofthecoffee-room,wherehekeptcompanywithacash-box,aDirectory,aLaw-list,and
otherbooksandpapers.'Mr.Traddles,'saidthesparewaiter.'NumbertwointheCourt.'Thepotentialwaiterwavedhimaway,andturned,gravely,tome.'Iwasinquiring,'saidI,'whetherMr.Traddles,atnumbertwointheCourt,hasnotarisingreputationamongthelawyers?''Neverheardhisname,'saidthewaiter,inarichhuskyvoice.IfeltquiteapologeticforTraddles.'He'sayoungman,sure?'saidtheportentouswaiter,fixinghiseyesseverelyonme.'HowlonghashebeenintheInn?''Notabovethreeyears,'saidI.Thewaiter,whoIsupposedhadlivedinhischurchwarden'spewforfortyyears,couldnotpursuesuchaninsignificantsubject.HeaskedmewhatIwouldhavefordinner?IfeltIwasinEnglandagain,andreallywasquitecastdownon
Traddles'saccount.Thereseemedtobenohopeforhim.Imeeklyorderedabitoffishandasteak,andstoodbeforethefiremusingonhisobscurity.AsIfollowedthechiefwaiterwithmyeyes,Icouldnothelpthinkingthatthegardeninwhichhehadgraduallyblowntobetheflowerhewas,wasanarduousplacetorisein.Ithadsuchaprescriptive,stiff-necked,long-established,solemn,elderlyair.Iglancedabouttheroom,whichhadhaditssandedfloorsanded,nodoubt,inexactlythesamemannerwhenthechiefwaiterwasaboy-ifheeverwasaboy,whichappearedimprobable;andattheshiningtables,whereIsawmyselfreflected,inunruffleddepthsofoldmahogany;andatthelamps,withoutaflawintheirtrimmingorcleaning;andatthecomfortablegreencurtains,withtheirpurebrassrods,snuglyenclosingtheboxes;andatthetwolargecoalfires,brightlyburning;andattherowsofdecanters,burlyasifwiththeconsciousnessofpipesofexpensiveoldportwinebelow;andbothEngland,andthelaw,appearedtometobeverydifficultindeedtobetakenbystorm.Iwentuptomybedroomtochangemywetclothes;andthevastextentofthatoldwainscotedapartment(whichwasoverthearchwayleadingtotheInn,Iremember),andthesedateimmensityofthefour-postbedstead,andtheindomitablegravityofthechestsofdrawers,allseemedtouniteinsternly
frowningonthefortunesofTraddles,oronanysuchdaringyouth.Icamedownagaintomydinner;andeventheslowcomfortofthemeal,andtheorderlysilenceoftheplace-whichwasbareofguests,theLongVacationnotyetbeingover-wereeloquentontheaudacityofTraddles,andhissmallhopesofalivelihoodfortwentyyearstocome.IhadseennothinglikethissinceIwentaway,anditquitedashedmyhopesformyfriend.Thechiefwaiterhadhadenoughofme.Hecamenearmenomore;butdevotedhimselftoanoldgentlemaninlonggaiters,tomeetwhomapintofspecialportseemedtocomeoutofthecellarofitsownaccord,forhegavenoorder.Thesecondwaiterinformedme,inawhisper,thatthisoldgentlemanwasaretiredconveyancerlivingintheSquare,andworthamintofmoney,whichitwasexpectedhewouldleavetohislaundress'sdaughter;likewisethatitwasrumouredthathehadaserviceofplateinabureau,alltarnishedwithlyingby,thoughmorethanonespoonandaforkhadneveryetbeenbeheldinhischambersbymortalvision.Bythistime,IquitegaveTraddlesupforlost;andsettledinmyownmindthattherewasnohopeforhim.Beingveryanxioustoseethedearoldfellow,nevertheless,Idispatchedmydinner,inamannernotatallcalculatedtoraiseme
intheopinionofthechiefwaiter,andhurriedoutbythebackway.NumbertwointheCourtwassoonreached;andaninscriptiononthedoor-postinformingmethatMr.Traddlesoccupiedasetofchambersonthetopstorey,Iascendedthestaircase.AcrazyoldstaircaseIfoundittobe,feeblylightedoneachlandingbyaclub-headedlittleoilwick,dyingawayinalittledungeonofdirtyglass.Inthecourseofmystumblingupstairs,IfanciedIheardapleasantsoundoflaughter;andnotthelaughterofanattorneyorbarrister,orattorney'sclerkorbarrister'sclerk,butoftwoorthreemerrygirls.Happening,however,asIstoppedtolisten,toputmyfootinaholewheretheHonourableSocietyofGray'sInnhadleftaplankdeficient,Ifelldownwithsomenoise,andwhenIrecoveredmyfootingallwassilent.Gropingmywaymorecarefully,fortherestofthejourney,myheartbeathighwhenIfoundtheouterdoor,whichhadMr.TRADDLESpaintedonit,open.Iknocked.Aconsiderablescufflingwithinensued,butnothingelse.Ithereforeknockedagain.Asmallsharp-lookinglad,half-footboyandhalf-clerk,whowasverymuchoutofbreath,butwholookedatmeasifhedefiedmeto
proveitlegally,presentedhimself.'IsMr.Traddleswithin?'Isaid.'Yes,sir,buthe'sengaged.''Iwanttoseehim.'Afteramoment'ssurveyofme,thesharp-lookingladdecidedtoletmein;andopeningthedoorwiderforthatpurpose,admittedme,first,intoalittleclosetofahall,andnextintoalittlesitting-room;whereIcameintothepresenceofmyoldfriend(alsooutofbreath),seatedatatable,andbendingoverpapers.'GoodGod!'criedTraddles,lookingup.'It'sCopperfield!'andrushedintomyarms,whereIheldhimtight.'Allwell,mydearTraddles?''Allwell,mydear,dearCopperfield,andnothingbutgoodnews!'Wecriedwithpleasure,bothofus.
'Mydearfellow,'saidTraddles,rumplinghishairinhisexcitement,whichwasamostunnecessaryoperation,'mydearestCopperfield,mylong-lostandmostwelcomefriend,howgladIamtoseeyou!Howbrownyouare!HowgladIam!Uponmylifeandhonour,Ineverwassorejoiced,mybelovedCopperfield,never!'Iwasequallyatalosstoexpressmyemotions.Iwasquiteunabletospeak,atfirst.'Mydearfellow!'saidTraddles.'Andgrownsofamous!MygloriousCopperfield!Goodgraciousme,WHENdidyoucome,WHEREhaveyoucomefrom,WHAThaveyoubeendoing?'Neverpausingforananswertoanythinghesaid,Traddles,whohadclappedmeintoaneasy-chairbythefire,allthistimeimpetuouslystirredthefirewithonehand,andpulledatmyneck-kerchiefwiththeother,undersomewilddelusionthatitwasagreat-coat.Withoutputtingdownthepoker,henowhuggedmeagain;andIhuggedhim;and,bothlaughing,andbothwipingoureyes,webothsatdown,andshookhandsacrossthehearth.'Tothink,'saidTraddles,'thatyoushouldhavebeensonearlycominghomeasyoumusthavebeen,mydearoldboy,andnotatthe
ceremony!''Whatceremony,mydearTraddles?''Goodgraciousme!'criedTraddles,openinghiseyesinhisoldway.'Didn'tyougetmylastletter?''Certainlynot,ifitreferredtoanyceremony.''Why,mydearCopperfield,'saidTraddles,stickinghishairuprightwithbothhands,andthenputtinghishandsonmyknees,'Iammarried!''Married!'Icriedjoyfully.'Lordblessme,yes,!'saidTraddles-'bytheReverendHorace-toSophy-downinDevonshire.Why,mydearboy,she'sbehindthewindowcurtain!Lookhere!'Tomyamazement,thedearestgirlintheworldcameatthatsameinstant,laughingandblushing,fromherplaceofconcealment.Andamorecheerful,amiable,honest,happy,bright-lookingbride,Ibelieve(asIcouldnothelpsayingonthespot)theworldnever
saw.Ikissedherasanoldacquaintanceshould,andwishedthemjoywithallmymightofheart.'Dearme,'saidTraddles,'whatadelightfulre-unionthisis!Youaresoextremelybrown,mydearCopperfield!Godblessmysoul,howhappyIam!''AndsoamI,'saidI.'AndIamsureIam!'saidtheblushingandlaughingSophy.'Weareallashappyaspossible!'saidTraddles.'Eventhegirlsarehappy.Dearme,IdeclareIforgotthem!''Forgot?'saidI.'Thegirls,'saidTraddles.'Sophy'ssisters.Theyarestayingwithus.TheyhavecometohaveapeepatLondon.Thefactis,when-wasityouthattumbledupstairs,Copperfield?''Itwas,'saidI,laughing.'Wellthen,whenyoutumbledupstairs,'saidTraddles,'Iwas
rompingwiththegirls.Inpointoffact,wewereplayingatPussintheCorner.Butasthatwouldn'tdoinWestminsterHall,andasitwouldn'tlookquiteprofessionaliftheywereseenbyaclient,theydecamped.Andtheyarenow-listening,Ihavenodoubt,'saidTraddles,glancingatthedoorofanotherroom.'Iamsorry,'saidI,laughingafresh,'tohaveoccasionedsuchadispersion.''Uponmyword,'rejoinedTraddles,greatlydelighted,'ifyouhadseenthemrunningaway,andrunningbackagain,afteryouhadknocked,topickupthecombstheyhaddroppedoutoftheirhair,andgoingoninthemaddestmanner,youwouldn'thavesaidso.Mylove,willyoufetchthegirls?'Sophytrippedaway,andweheardherreceivedintheadjoiningroomwithapealoflaughter.'Reallymusical,isn'tit,mydearCopperfield?'saidTraddles.'It'sveryagreeabletohear.Itquitelightsuptheseoldrooms.Toanunfortunatebachelorofafellowwhohaslivedaloneallhislife,youknow,it'spositivelydelicious.It'scharming.Poorthings,theyhavehadagreatlossinSophy-who,Idoassureyou,
Copperfieldis,andeverwas,thedearestgirl!-anditgratifiesmebeyondexpressiontofindtheminsuchgoodspirits.Thesocietyofgirlsisaverydelightfulthing,Copperfield.It'snotprofessional,butit'sverydelightful.'Observingthatheslightlyfaltered,andcomprehendingthatinthegoodnessofhishearthewasfearfulofgivingmesomepainbywhathehadsaid,Iexpressedmyconcurrencewithaheartinessthatevidentlyrelievedandpleasedhimgreatly.'Butthen,'saidTraddles,'ourdomesticarrangementsare,tosaythetruth,quiteunprofessionalaltogether,mydearCopperfield.EvenSophy'sbeinghere,isunprofessional.Andwehavenootherplaceofabode.Wehaveputtoseainacockboat,butwearequitepreparedtoroughit.AndSophy'sanextraordinarymanager!You'llbesurprisedhowthosegirlsarestowedaway.IamsureIhardlyknowhowit'sdone!''Aremanyoftheyoungladieswithyou?'Iinquired.'Theeldest,theBeautyishere,'saidTraddles,inalowconfidentialvoice,'Caroline.AndSarah'shere-theoneImentionedtoyouashavingsomethingthematterwithherspine,you
know.Immenselybetter!AndthetwoyoungestthatSophyeducatedarewithus.AndLouisa'shere.''Indeed!'criedI.'Yes,'saidTraddles.'Nowthewholeset-Imeanthechambers-isonlythreerooms;butSophyarrangesforthegirlsinthemostwonderfulway,andtheysleepascomfortablyaspossible.Threeinthatroom,'saidTraddles,pointing.'Twointhat.'Icouldnothelpglancinground,insearchoftheaccommodationremainingforMr.andMrs.Traddles.Traddlesunderstoodme.'Well!'saidTraddles,'wearepreparedtoroughit,asIsaidjustnow,andwedidimproviseabedlastweek,uponthefloorhere.Butthere'salittleroomintheroof-averyniceroom,whenyou'reupthere-whichSophypaperedherself,tosurpriseme;andthat'sourroomatpresent.It'sacapitallittlegipsysortofplace.There'squiteaviewfromit.''Andyouarehappilymarriedatlast,mydearTraddles!'saidI.'HowrejoicedIam!'
'Thankyou,mydearCopperfield,'saidTraddles,asweshookhandsoncemore.'Yes,Iamashappyasit'spossibletobe.There'syouroldfriend,yousee,'saidTraddles,noddingtriumphantlyattheflower-potandstand;'andthere'sthetablewiththemarbletop!Alltheotherfurnitureisplainandserviceable,youperceive.Andastoplate,Lordblessyou,wehaven'tsomuchasatea-spoon.''Alltobeearned?'saidI,cheerfully.'Exactlyso,'repliedTraddles,'alltobeearned.Ofcoursewehavesomethingintheshapeoftea-spoons,becausewestirourtea.Butthey'reBritanniametal."'Thesilverwillbethebrighterwhenitcomes,'saidI.'Theverythingwesay!'criedTraddles.'Yousee,mydearCopperfield,'fallingagainintothelowconfidentialtone,'afterIhaddeliveredmyargumentinDOEdem.JIPESversusWIGZIELL,whichdidmegreatservicewiththeprofession,IwentdownintoDevonshire,andhadsomeseriousconversationinprivatewiththeReverendHorace.IdweltuponthefactthatSophy-whoIdoassureyou,Copperfield,isthedearestgirl!-'
'Iamcertainsheis!'saidI.'Sheis,indeed!'rejoinedTraddles.'ButIamafraidIamwanderingfromthesubject.DidImentiontheReverendHorace?''Yousaidthatyoudweltuponthefact-''True!UponthefactthatSophyandIhadbeenengagedforalongperiod,andthatSophy,withthepermissionofherparents,wasmorethancontenttotakeme-inshort,'saidTraddles,withhisoldfranksmile,'onourpresentBritannia-metalfooting.Verywell.IthenproposedtotheReverendHorace-whoisamostexcellentclergyman,Copperfield,andoughttobeaBishop;oratleastoughttohaveenoughtoliveupon,withoutpinchinghimself-thatifIcouldturnthecorner,sayoftwohundredandfiftypounds,inoneyear;andcouldseemywayprettyclearlytothat,orsomethingbetter,nextyear;andcouldplainlyfurnishalittleplacelikethis,besides;then,andinthatcase,SophyandIshouldbeunited.Itookthelibertyofrepresentingthatwehadbeenpatientforagoodmanyyears;andthatthecircumstanceofSophy'sbeingextraordinarilyusefulathome,oughtnottooperatewithheraffectionateparents,againstherestablishmentinlife-
don'tyousee?''Certainlyitoughtnot,'saidI.'Iamgladyouthinkso,Copperfield,'rejoinedTraddles,'because,withoutanyimputationontheReverendHorace,Idothinkparents,andbrothers,andsoforth,aresometimesratherselfishinsuchcases.Well!Ialsopointedout,thatmymostearnestdesirewas,tobeusefultothefamily;andthatifIgotonintheworld,andanythingshouldhappentohim-IrefertotheReverendHorace-''Iunderstand,'saidI.'-OrtoMrs.Crewler-itwouldbetheutmostgratificationofmywishes,tobeaparenttothegirls.Herepliedinamostadmirablemanner,exceedinglyflatteringtomyfeelings,andundertooktoobtaintheconsentofMrs.Crewlertothisarrangement.Theyhadadreadfultimeofitwithher.Itmountedfromherlegsintoherchest,andthenintoherhead-''Whatmounted?'Iasked.'Hergrief,'repliedTraddles,withaseriouslook.'Herfeelings
generally.AsImentionedonaformeroccasion,sheisaverysuperiorwoman,buthaslosttheuseofherlimbs.Whateveroccurstoharassher,usuallysettlesinherlegs;butonthisoccasionitmountedtothechest,andthentothehead,and,inshort,pervadedthewholesysteminamostalarmingmanner.However,theybroughtherthroughitbyunremittingandaffectionateattention;andweweremarriedyesterdaysixweeks.YouhavenoideawhataMonsterIfelt,Copperfield,whenIsawthewholefamilycryingandfaintingawayineverydirection!Mrs.Crewlercouldn'tseemebeforeweleft-couldn'tforgiveme,then,fordeprivingherofherchild-butsheisagoodcreature,andhasdonesosince.Ihadadelightfulletterfromher,onlythismorning.''Andinshort,mydearfriend,'saidI,'youfeelasblestasyoudeservetofeel!''Oh!That'syourpartiality!'laughedTraddles.'But,indeed,Iaminamostenviablestate.Iworkhard,andreadLawinsatiably.Igetupatfiveeverymorning,anddon'tminditatall.Ihidethegirlsinthedaytime,andmakemerrywiththemintheevening.AndIassureyouIamquitesorrythattheyaregoinghomeonTuesday,whichisthedaybeforethefirstdayofMichaelmasTerm.Buthere,'saidTraddles,breakingoffinhisconfidence,and
speakingaloud,'AREthegirls!Mr.Copperfield,MissCrewler-MissSarah-MissLouisa-MargaretandLucy!'Theywereaperfectnestofroses;theylookedsowholesomeandfresh.Theywereallpretty,andMissCarolinewasveryhandsome;buttherewasaloving,cheerful,firesidequalityinSophy'sbrightlooks,whichwasbetterthanthat,andwhichassuredmethatmyfriendhadchosenwell.Weallsatroundthefire;whilethesharpboy,whoInowdivinedhadlosthisbreathinputtingthepapersout,clearedthemawayagain,andproducedthetea-things.Afterthat,heretiredforthenight,shuttingtheouterdooruponuswithabang.Mrs.Traddles,withperfectpleasureandcomposurebeamingfromherhouseholdeyes,havingmadethetea,thenquietlymadethetoastasshesatinacornerbythefire.ShehadseenAgnes,shetoldmewhileshewastoasting.'Tom'hadtakenherdownintoKentforaweddingtrip,andthereshehadseenmyaunt,too;andbothmyauntandAgneswerewell,andtheyhadalltalkedofnothingbutme.'Tom'hadneverhadmeoutofhisthoughts,shereallybelieved,allthetimeIhadbeenaway.'Tom'wastheauthorityforeverything.'Tom'wasevidentlytheidolofherlife;nevertobeshakenonhispedestalbyanycommotion;alwaystobebelievedin,anddonehomagetowiththewholefaith
ofherheart,comewhatmight.ThedeferencewhichbothsheandTraddlesshowedtowardstheBeauty,pleasedmeverymuch.Idon'tknowthatIthoughtitveryreasonable;butIthoughtitverydelightful,andessentiallyapartoftheircharacter.IfTraddleseverforaninstantmissedthetea-spoonsthatwerestilltobewon,IhavenodoubtitwaswhenhehandedtheBeautyhertea.Ifhissweet-temperedwifecouldhavegotupanyself-assertionagainstanyone,IamsatisfieditcouldonlyhavebeenbecauseshewastheBeauty'ssister.Afewslightindicationsofaratherpettedandcapriciousmanner,whichIobservedintheBeauty,weremanifestlyconsidered,byTraddlesandhiswife,asherbirthrightandnaturalendowment.IfshehadbeenbornaQueenBee,andtheylabouringBees,theycouldnothavebeenmoresatisfiedofthat.Buttheirself-forgetfulnesscharmedme.Theirprideinthesegirls,andtheirsubmissionofthemselvestoalltheirwhims,wasthepleasantestlittletestimonytotheirownworthIcouldhavedesiredtosee.IfTraddleswereaddressedas'adarling',onceinthecourseofthatevening;andbesoughttobringsomethinghere,orcarrysomethingthere,ortakesomethingup,orputsomethingdown,orfindsomething,orfetchsomething,hewassoaddressed,
byoneorotherofhissisters-in-law,atleasttwelvetimesinanhour.NeithercouldtheydoanythingwithoutSophy.Somebody'shairfelldown,andnobodybutSophycouldputitup.Somebodyforgothowaparticulartunewent,andnobodybutSophycouldhumthattuneright.SomebodywantedtorecallthenameofaplaceinDevonshire,andonlySophyknewit.Somethingwaswantedtobewrittenhome,andSophyalonecouldbetrustedtowritebeforebreakfastinthemorning.Somebodybrokedowninapieceofknitting,andnoonebutSophywasabletoputthedefaulterintherightdirection.Theywereentiremistressesoftheplace,andSophyandTraddleswaitedonthem.HowmanychildrenSophycouldhavetakencareofinhertime,Ican'timagine;butsheseemedtobefamousforknowingeverysortofsongthateverwasaddressedtoachildintheEnglishtongue;andshesangdozenstoorderwiththeclearestlittlevoiceintheworld,oneafteranother(everysisterissuingdirectionsforadifferenttune,andtheBeautygenerallystrikinginlast),sothatIwasquitefascinated.Thebestofallwas,that,inthemidstoftheirexactions,allthesistershadagreattendernessandrespectbothforSophyandTraddles.Iamsure,whenItookmyleave,andTraddleswascomingouttowalkwithmetothecoffee-house,IthoughtIhadneverseenanobstinateheadofhair,oranyotherheadofhair,rollingaboutinsuchashowerofkisses.
Altogether,itwasasceneIcouldnothelpdwellingonwithpleasure,foralongtimeafterIgotbackandhadwishedTraddlesgoodnight.IfIhadbeheldathousandrosesblowinginatopsetofchambers,inthatwitheredGray'sInn,theycouldnothavebrightenedithalfsomuch.TheideaofthoseDevonshiregirls,amongthedrylaw-stationersandtheattorneys'offices;andoftheteaandtoast,andchildren'ssongs,inthatgrimatmosphereofpounceandparchment,red-tape,dustywafers,ink-jars,briefanddraftpaper,lawreports,writs,declarations,andbillsofcosts;seemedalmostaspleasantlyfancifulasifIhaddreamedthattheSultan'sfamousfamilyhadbeenadmittedontherollofattorneys,andhadbroughtthetalkingbird,thesingingtree,andthegoldenwaterintoGray'sInnHall.Somehow,IfoundthatIhadtakenleaveofTraddlesforthenight,andcomebacktothecoffee-house,withagreatchangeinmydespondencyabouthim.Ibegantothinkhewouldgeton,inspiteofallthemanyordersofchiefwaitersinEngland.Drawingachairbeforeoneofthecoffee-roomfirestothinkabouthimatmyleisure,Igraduallyfellfromtheconsiderationofhishappinesstotracingprospectsinthelive-coals,andtothinking,astheybrokeandchanged,oftheprincipalvicissitudesand
separationsthathadmarkedmylife.Ihadnotseenacoalfire,sinceIhadleftEnglandthreeyearsago:thoughmanyawoodfirehadIwatched,asitcrumbledintohoaryashes,andmingledwiththefeatheryheapuponthehearth,whichnotinaptlyfiguredtome,inmydespondency,myowndeadhopes.Icouldthinkofthepastnow,gravely,butnotbitterly;andcouldcontemplatethefutureinabravespirit.Home,initsbestsense,wasformenomore.SheinwhomImighthaveinspiredadearerlove,Ihadtaughttobemysister.Shewouldmarry,andwouldhavenewclaimantsonhertenderness;andindoingit,wouldneverknowtheloveforherthathadgrownupinmyheart.ItwasrightthatIshouldpaytheforfeitofmyheadlongpassion.WhatIreaped,Ihadsown.Iwasthinking.AndhadItrulydisciplinedmyhearttothis,andcouldIresolutelybearit,andcalmlyholdtheplaceinherhomewhichshehadcalmlyheldinmine,-whenIfoundmyeyesrestingonacountenancethatmighthavearisenoutofthefire,initsassociationwithmyearlyremembrances.LittleMr.ChilliptheDoctor,towhosegoodofficesIwasindebtedintheveryfirstchapterofthishistory,satreadinganewspaper
intheshadowofanoppositecorner.Hewastolerablystrickeninyearsbythistime;but,beingamild,meek,calmlittleman,hadwornsoeasily,thatIthoughthelookedatthatmomentjustashemighthavelookedwhenhesatinourparlour,waitingformetobeborn.Mr.ChilliphadleftBlunderstonesixorsevenyearsago,andIhadneverseenhimsince.Hesatplacidlyperusingthenewspaper,withhislittleheadononeside,andaglassofwarmsherrynegusathiselbow.Hewassoextremelyconciliatoryinhismannerthatheseemedtoapologizetotheverynewspaperfortakingthelibertyofreadingit.Iwalkeduptowherehewassitting,andsaid,'Howdoyoudo,Mr.Chillip?'Hewasgreatlyflutteredbythisunexpectedaddressfromastranger,andreplied,inhisslowway,'Ithankyou,sir,youareverygood.Thankyou,sir.IhopeYOUarewell.''Youdon'trememberme?'saidI.'Well,sir,'returnedMr.Chillip,smilingverymeekly,andshaking
hisheadashesurveyedme,'Ihaveakindofanimpressionthatsomethinginyourcountenanceisfamiliartome,sir;butIcouldn'tlaymyhanduponyourname,really.''Andyetyouknewit,longbeforeIknewitmyself,'Ireturned.'DidIindeed,sir?'saidMr.Chillip.'IsitpossiblethatIhadthehonour,sir,ofofficiatingwhen-?''Yes,'saidI.'Dearme!'criedMr.Chillip.'Butnodoubtyouareagooddealchangedsincethen,sir?''Probably,'saidI.'Well,sir,'observedMr.Chillip,'Ihopeyou'llexcuseme,ifIamcompelledtoaskthefavourofyourname?'Onmytellinghimmyname,hewasreallymoved.Hequiteshookhandswithme-whichwasaviolentproceedingforhim,hisusualcoursebeingtoslideatepidlittlefish-slice,aninchortwoinadvanceofhiship,andevincethegreatestdiscomposurewhen
anybodygrappledwithit.Evennow,heputhishandinhiscoat-pocketassoonashecoulddisengageit,andseemedrelievedwhenhehadgotitsafeback.'Dearme,sir!'saidMr.Chillip,surveyingmewithhisheadononeside.'Andit'sMr.Copperfield,isit?Well,sir,IthinkIshouldhaveknownyou,ifIhadtakenthelibertyoflookingmorecloselyatyou.There'sastrongresemblancebetweenyouandyourpoorfather,sir.''Ineverhadthehappinessofseeingmyfather,'Iobserved.'Verytrue,sir,'saidMr.Chillip,inasoothingtone.'Andverymuchtobedeploreditwas,onallaccounts!Wearenotignorant,sir,'saidMr.Chillip,slowlyshakinghislittleheadagain,'downinourpartofthecountry,ofyourfame.Theremustbegreatexcitementhere,sir,'saidMr.Chillip,tappinghimselfontheforeheadwithhisforefinger.'Youmustfinditatryingoccupation,sir!''Whatisyourpartofthecountrynow?'Iasked,seatingmyselfnearhim.
'IamestablishedwithinafewmilesofBurySt.Edmund's,sir,'saidMr.Chillip.'Mrs.Chillip,comingintoalittlepropertyinthatneighbourhood,underherfather'swill,Iboughtapracticedownthere,inwhichyouwillbegladtohearIamdoingwell.Mydaughterisgrowingquiteatalllassnow,sir,'saidMr.Chillip,givinghislittleheadanotherlittleshake.'Hermotherletdowntwotucksinherfrocksonlylastweek.Suchistime,yousee,sir!'Asthelittlemanputhisnowemptyglasstohislips,whenhemadethisreflection,Iproposedtohimtohaveitrefilled,andIwouldkeephimcompanywithanother.'Well,sir,'hereturned,inhisslowway,'it'smorethanIamaccustomedto;butIcan'tdenymyselfthepleasureofyourconversation.ItseemsbutyesterdaythatIhadthehonourofattendingyouinthemeasles.Youcamethroughthemcharmingly,sir!'Iacknowledgedthiscompliment,andorderedthenegus,whichwassoonproduced.'Quiteanuncommondissipation!'saidMr.Chillip,stirringit,'butIcan'tresistsoextraordinaryanoccasion.Youhavenofamily,sir?'Ishookmyhead.
'Iwasawarethatyousustainedabereavement,sir,sometimeago,'saidMr.Chillip.'Ihearditfromyourfather-in-law'ssister.Verydecidedcharacterthere,sir?''Why,yes,'saidI,'decidedenough.Wheredidyouseeher,Mr.Chillip?''Areyounotaware,sir,'returnedMr.Chillip,withhisplacidestsmile,'thatyourfather-in-lawisagainaneighbourofmine?''No,'saidI.'Heisindeed,sir!'saidMr.Chillip.'Marriedayoungladyofthatpart,withaverygoodlittleproperty,poorthing.-Andthisactionofthebrainnow,sir?Don'tyoufinditfatigueyou?'saidMr.Chillip,lookingatmelikeanadmiringRobin.Iwaivedthatquestion,andreturnedtotheMurdstones.'Iwasawareofhisbeingmarriedagain.Doyouattendthefamily?'Iasked.'Notregularly.Ihavebeencalledin,'hereplied.'Strong
phrenologicaldevelopmentsoftheorganoffirmness,inMr.Murdstoneandhissister,sir.'Irepliedwithsuchanexpressivelook,thatMr.Chillipwasemboldenedbythat,andthenegustogether,togivehisheadseveralshortshakes,andthoughtfullyexclaim,'Ah,dearme!Werememberoldtimes,Mr.Copperfield!''Andthebrotherandsisterarepursuingtheiroldcourse,arethey?'saidI.'Well,sir,'repliedMr.Chillip,'amedicalman,beingsomuchinfamilies,oughttohaveneithereyesnorearsforanythingbuthisprofession.Still,Imustsay,theyareverysevere,sir:bothastothislifeandthenext.''Thenextwillberegulatedwithoutmuchreferencetothem,Idaresay,'Ireturned:'whataretheydoingastothis?'Mr.Chillipshookhishead,stirredhisnegus,andsippedit.'Shewasacharmingwoman,sir!'heobservedinaplaintivemanner.
'ThepresentMrs.Murdstone?'Acharmingwomanindeed,sir,'saidMr.Chillip;'asamiable,Iamsure,asitwaspossibletobe!Mrs.Chillip'sopinionis,thatherspirithasbeenentirelybrokensincehermarriage,andthatsheisallbutmelancholymad.Andtheladies,'observedMr.Chillip,timorously,'aregreatobservers,sir.''Isupposeshewastobesubduedandbrokentotheirdetestablemould,Heavenhelpher!'saidI.'Andshehasbeen.''Well,sir,therewereviolentquarrelsatfirst,Iassureyou,'saidMr.Chillip;'butsheisquiteashadownow.WoulditbeconsideredforwardifIwastosaytoyou,sir,inconfidence,thatsincethesistercametohelp,thebrotherandsisterbetweenthemhavenearlyreducedhertoastateofimbecility?'ItoldhimIcouldeasilybelieveit.'Ihavenohesitationinsaying,'saidMr.Chillip,fortifyinghimselfwithanothersipofnegus,'betweenyouandme,sir,thathermotherdiedofit-orthattyranny,gloom,andworryhavemadeMrs.Murdstonenearlyimbecile.Shewasalivelyyoungwoman,sir,
beforemarriage,andtheirgloomandausteritydestroyedher.Theygoaboutwithher,now,morelikeherkeepersthanherhusbandandsister-in-law.ThatwasMrs.Chillip'sremarktome,onlylastweek.AndIassureyou,sir,theladiesaregreatobservers.Mrs.Chillipherselfisagreatobserver!''Doeshegloomilyprofesstobe(Iamashamedtousethewordinsuchassociation)religiousstill?'Iinquired.'Youanticipate,sir,'saidMr.Chillip,hiseyelidsgettingquiteredwiththeunwontedstimulusinwhichhewasindulging.'OneofMrs.Chillip'smostimpressiveremarks.Mrs.Chillip,'heproceeded,inthecalmestandslowestmanner,'quiteelectrifiedme,bypointingoutthatMr.Murdstonesetsupanimageofhimself,andcallsittheDivineNature.Youmighthaveknockedmedownontheflatofmyback,sir,withthefeatherofapen,Iassureyou,whenMrs.Chillipsaidso.Theladiesaregreatobservers,sir?''Intuitively,'saidI,tohisextremedelight.'Iamveryhappytoreceivesuchsupportinmyopinion,sir,'herejoined.'ItisnotoftenthatIventuretogiveanon-medicalopinion,Iassureyou.Mr.Murdstonedeliverspublicaddresses
sometimes,anditissaid,-inshort,sir,itissaidbyMrs.Chillip,-thatthedarkertyranthehaslatelybeen,themoreferociousishisdoctrine.''IbelieveMrs.Chilliptobeperfectlyright,'saidI.'Mrs.Chillipdoesgosofarastosay,'pursuedthemeekestoflittlemen,muchencouraged,'thatwhatsuchpeoplemiscalltheirreligion,isaventfortheirbadhumoursandarrogance.AnddoyouknowImustsay,sir,'hecontinued,mildlylayinghisheadononeside,'thatIDON'TfindauthorityforMr.andMissMurdstoneintheNewTestament?''Ineverfounditeither!'saidI.'Inthemeantime,sir,'saidMr.Chillip,'theyaremuchdisliked;andastheyareveryfreeinconsigningeverybodywhodislikesthemtoperdition,wereallyhaveagooddealofperditiongoingoninourneighbourhood!However,asMrs.Chillipsays,sir,theyundergoacontinualpunishment;fortheyareturnedinward,tofeedupontheirownhearts,andtheirownheartsareverybadfeeding.Now,sir,aboutthatbrainofyours,ifyou'llexcusemyreturningtoit.Don'tyouexposeittoagooddealofexcitement,sir?'
Ifounditnotdifficult,intheexcitementofMr.Chillip'sownbrain,underhispotationsofnegus,todiverthisattentionfromthistopictohisownaffairs,onwhich,forthenexthalf-hour,hewasquiteloquacious;givingmetounderstand,amongotherpiecesofinformation,thathewasthenattheGray'sInnCoffee-housetolayhisprofessionalevidencebeforeaCommissionofLunacy,touchingthestateofmindofapatientwhohadbecomederangedfromexcessivedrinking.'AndIassureyou,sir,'hesaid,'Iamextremelynervousonsuchoccasions.IcouldnotsupportbeingwhatiscalledBullied,sir.Itwouldquiteunmanme.DoyouknowitwassometimebeforeIrecoveredtheconductofthatalarminglady,onthenightofyourbirth,Mr.Copperfield?'ItoldhimthatIwasgoingdowntomyaunt,theDragonofthatnight,earlyinthemorning;andthatshewasoneofthemosttender-heartedandexcellentofwomen,ashewouldknowfullwellifheknewherbetter.Themerenotionofthepossibilityofhiseverseeingheragain,appearedtoterrifyhim.Herepliedwithasmallpalesmile,'Issheso,indeed,sir?Really?'andalmostimmediatelycalledforacandle,andwenttobed,asifhewerenotquitesafeanywhereelse.Hedidnotactuallystaggerunderthe
negus;butIshouldthinkhisplacidlittlepulsemusthavemadetwoorthreemorebeatsinaminute,thanithaddonesincethegreatnightofmyaunt'sdisappointment,whenshestruckathimwithherbonnet.Thoroughlytired,Iwenttobedtoo,atmidnight;passedthenextdayontheDovercoach;burstsafeandsoundintomyaunt'soldparlourwhileshewasattea(sheworespectaclesnow);andwasreceivedbyher,andMr.Dick,anddearoldPeggotty,whoactedashousekeeper,withopenarmsandtearsofjoy.Myauntwasmightilyamused,whenwebegantotalkcomposedly,bymyaccountofmymeetingwithMr.Chillip,andofhisholdingherinsuchdreadremembrance;andbothsheandPeggottyhadagreatdealtosayaboutmypoormother'ssecondhusband,and'thatmurderingwomanofasister',-onwhomIthinknopainorpenaltywouldhaveinducedmyaunttobestowanyChristianorProperName,oranyotherdesignation.CHAPTER60AGNES
MyauntandI,whenwewereleftalone,talkedfarintothenight.Howtheemigrantsneverwrotehome,otherwisethancheerfullyandhopefully;howMr.Micawberhadactuallyremitteddiverssmallsumsofmoney,onaccountofthose'pecuniaryliabilities',inreferencetowhichhehadbeensobusiness-likeasbetweenmanandman;howJanet,returningintomyaunt'sservicewhenshecamebacktoDover,hadfinallycarriedoutherrenunciationofmankindbyenteringintowedlockwithathrivingtavern-keeper;andhowmyaunthadfinallysethersealonthesamegreatprinciple,byaidingandabettingthebride,andcrowningthemarriage-ceremonywithherpresence;wereamongourtopics-alreadymoreorlessfamiliartomethroughthelettersIhadhad.Mr.Dick,asusual,wasnotforgotten.Myauntinformedmehowheincessantlyoccupiedhimselfincopyingeverythinghecouldlayhishandson,andkeptKingCharlestheFirstatarespectfuldistancebythatsemblanceofemployment;howitwasoneofthemainjoysandrewardsofherlifethathewasfreeandhappy,insteadofpininginmonotonousrestraint;andhow(asanovelgeneralconclusion)nobodybutshecouldeverfullyknowwhathewas.'Andwhen,Trot,'saidmyaunt,pattingthebackofmyhand,aswesatinouroldwaybeforethefire,'whenareyougoingovertoCanterbury?'
'Ishallgetahorse,andrideovertomorrowmorning,aunt,unlessyouwillgowithme?''No!'saidmyaunt,inhershortabruptway.'ImeantostaywhereIam.'Then,Ishouldride,Isaid.IcouldnothavecomethroughCanterburytodaywithoutstopping,ifIhadbeencomingtoanyonebuther.Shewaspleased,butanswered,'Tut,Trot;MYoldboneswouldhavekepttilltomorrow!'andsoftlypattedmyhandagain,asIsatlookingthoughtfullyatthefire.Thoughtfully,forIcouldnotbehereoncemore,andsonearAgnes,withouttherevivalofthoseregretswithwhichIhadsolongbeenoccupied.Softenedregretstheymightbe,teachingmewhatIhadfailedtolearnwhenmyyoungerlifewasallbeforeme,butnotthelessregrets.'Oh,Trot,'Iseemedtohearmyauntsayoncemore;andIunderstoodherbetternow-'Blind,blind,blind!'Webothkeptsilenceforsomeminutes.WhenIraisedmyeyes,I
foundthatshewassteadilyobservantofme.Perhapsshehadfollowedthecurrentofmymind;foritseemedtomeaneasyonetotracknow,wilfulasithadbeenonce.'Youwillfindherfatherawhite-hairedoldman,'saidmyaunt,'thoughabettermaninallotherrespects-areclaimedman.Neitherwillyoufindhimmeasuringallhumaninterests,andjoys,andsorrows,withhisonepoorlittleinch-rulenow.Trustme,child,suchthingsmustshrinkverymuch,beforetheycanbemeasuredoffinthatway.''Indeedtheymust,'saidI.'Youwillfindher,'pursuedmyaunt,'asgood,asbeautiful,asearnest,asdisinterested,asshehasalwaysbeen.IfIknewhigherpraise,Trot,Iwouldbestowitonher.'Therewasnohigherpraiseforher;nohigherreproachforme.Oh,howhadIstrayedsofaraway!'Ifshetrainstheyounggirlswhomshehasabouther,tobelikeherself,'saidmyaunt,earnesteventothefillingofhereyeswithtears,'Heavenknows,herlifewillbewellemployed!Useful
andhappy,asshesaidthatday!Howcouldshebeotherwisethanusefulandhappy!''HasAgnesany-'Iwasthinkingaloud,ratherthanspeaking.'Well?Hey?Anywhat?'saidmyaunt,sharply.'Anylover,'saidI.'Ascore,'criedmyaunt,withakindofindignantpride.'Shemighthavemarriedtwentytimes,mydear,sinceyouhavebeengone!''Nodoubt,'saidI.'Nodoubt.Buthassheanyloverwhoisworthyofher?Agnescouldcarefornoother.'Myauntsatmusingforalittlewhile,withherchinuponherhand.Slowlyraisinghereyestomine,shesaid:'Isuspectshehasanattachment,Trot.''Aprosperousone?'saidI.
'Trot,'returnedmyauntgravely,'Ican'tsay.Ihavenorighttotellyouevensomuch.Shehasneverconfidedittome,butIsuspectit.'Shelookedsoattentivelyandanxiouslyatme(Ievensawhertremble),thatIfeltnow,morethanever,thatshehadfollowedmylatethoughts.IsummonedalltheresolutionsIhadmade,inallthosemanydaysandnights,andallthosemanyconflictsofmyheart.'Ifitshouldbeso,'Ibegan,'andIhopeitis-''Idon'tknowthatitis,'saidmyauntcurtly.'Youmustnotberuledbymysuspicions.Youmustkeepthemsecret.Theyareveryslight,perhaps.Ihavenorighttospeak.''Ifitshouldbeso,'Irepeated,'Agneswilltellmeatherowngoodtime.AsistertowhomIhaveconfidedsomuch,aunt,willnotbereluctanttoconfideinme.'Myauntwithdrewhereyesfrommine,asslowlyasshehadturnedthemuponme;andcoveredthemthoughtfullywithherhand.Byandbysheputherotherhandonmyshoulder;andsowebothsat,
lookingintothepast,withoutsayinganotherword,untilwepartedforthenight.Irodeaway,earlyinthemorning,forthesceneofmyoldschool-days.IcannotsaythatIwasyetquitehappy,inthehopethatIwasgainingavictoryovermyself;evenintheprospectofsosoonlookingonherfaceagain.Thewell-rememberedgroundwassoontraversed,andIcameintothequietstreets,whereeverystonewasaboy'sbooktome.Iwentonfoottotheoldhouse,andwentawaywithahearttoofulltoenter.Ireturned;andlooking,asIpassed,throughthelowwindowoftheturret-roomwherefirstUriahHeep,andafterwardsMr.Micawber,hadbeenwonttosit,sawthatitwasalittleparlournow,andthattherewasnooffice.Otherwisethestaidoldhousewas,astoitscleanlinessandorder,stilljustasithadbeenwhenIfirstsawit.Irequestedthenewmaidwhoadmittedme,totellMissWickfieldthatagentlemanwhowaitedonherfromafriendabroad,wasthere;andIwasshownupthegraveoldstaircase(cautionedofthestepsIknewsowell),intotheunchangeddrawing-room.ThebooksthatAgnesandIhadreadtogether,wereontheirshelves;andthedeskwhereIhadlabouredatmylessons,manyanight,stoodyetatthesameoldcornerof
thetable.AllthelittlechangesthathadcreptinwhentheHeepswerethere,werechangedagain.Everythingwasasitusedtobe,inthehappytime.Istoodinawindow,andlookedacrosstheancientstreetattheoppositehouses,recallinghowIhadwatchedthemonwetafternoons,whenIfirstcamethere;andhowIhadusedtospeculateaboutthepeoplewhoappearedatanyofthewindows,andhadfollowedthemwithmyeyesupanddownstairs,whilewomenwentclickingalongthepavementinpattens,andthedullrainfellinslantinglines,andpouredoutofthewater-spoutyonder,andflowedintotheroad.ThefeelingwithwhichIusedtowatchthetramps,astheycameintothetownonthosewetevenings,atdusk,andlimpedpast,withtheirbundlesdroopingovertheirshouldersattheendsofsticks,camefreshlybacktome;fraught,asthen,withthesmellofdampearth,andwetleavesandbriar,andthesensationoftheveryairsthatblewuponmeinmyowntoilsomejourney.Theopeningofthelittledoorinthepanelledwallmademestartandturn.Herbeautifulsereneeyesmetmineasshecametowardsme.Shestoppedandlaidherhanduponherbosom,andIcaughtherinmyarms.
'Agnes!mydeargirl!Ihavecometoosuddenlyuponyou.''No,no!Iamsorejoicedtoseeyou,Trotwood!''DearAgnes,thehappinessitistome,toseeyouonceagain!'Ifoldedhertomyheart,and,foralittlewhile,wewerebothsilent.Presentlywesatdown,sidebyside;andherangel-facewasturneduponmewiththewelcomeIhaddreamedof,wakingandsleeping,forwholeyears.Shewassotrue,shewassobeautiful,shewassogood,-Iowedhersomuchgratitude,shewassodeartome,thatIcouldfindnoutteranceforwhatIfelt.Itriedtoblessher,triedtothankher,triedtotellher(asIhadoftendoneinletters)whataninfluenceshehaduponme;butallmyeffortswereinvain.Myloveandjoyweredumb.Withherownsweettranquillity,shecalmedmyagitation;ledmebacktothetimeofourparting;spoketomeofEmily,whomshehadvisited,insecret,manytimes;spoketometenderlyofDora'sgrave.Withtheunerringinstinctofhernobleheart,shetouched
thechordsofmymemorysosoftlyandharmoniously,thatnotonejarredwithinme;Icouldlistentothesorrowful,distantmusic,anddesiretoshrinkfromnothingitawoke.HowcouldI,when,blendedwithitall,washerdearself,thebetterangelofmylife?'Andyou,Agnes,'Isaid,byandby.'Tellmeofyourself.Youhavehardlyevertoldmeofyourownlife,inallthislapseoftime!''WhatshouldItell?'sheanswered,withherradiantsmile.'Papaiswell.Youseeushere,quietinourownhome;ouranxietiessetatrest,ourhomerestoredtous;andknowingthat,dearTrotwood,youknowall.''All,Agnes?'saidI.Shelookedatme,withsomeflutteringwonderinherface.'Istherenothingelse,Sister?'Isaid.Hercolour,whichhadjustnowfaded,returned,andfadedagain.Shesmiled;withaquietsadness,Ithought;andshookherhead.
Ihadsoughttoleadhertowhatmyaunthadhintedat;for,sharplypainfultomeasitmustbetoreceivethatconfidence,Iwastodisciplinemyheart,anddomydutytoher.Isaw,however,thatshewasuneasy,andIletitpass.'Youhavemuchtodo,dearAgnes?''Withmyschool?'saidshe,lookingupagain,inallherbrightcomposure.'Yes.Itislaborious,isitnot?''Thelabourissopleasant,'shereturned,'thatitisscarcelygratefulinmetocallitbythatname.''Nothinggoodisdifficulttoyou,'saidI.Hercolourcameandwentoncemore;andoncemore,asshebentherhead,Isawthesamesadsmile.'Youwillwaitandseepapa,'saidAgnes,cheerfully,'andpassthedaywithus?Perhapsyouwillsleepinyourownroom?Wealways
callityours.'Icouldnotdothat,havingpromisedtoridebacktomyaunt'satnight;butIwouldpassthedaythere,joyfully.'Imustbeaprisonerforalittlewhile,'saidAgnes,'butherearetheoldbooks,Trotwood,andtheoldmusic.''Eventheoldflowersarehere,'saidI,lookinground;'ortheoldkinds.''Ihavefoundapleasure,'returnedAgnes,smiling,'whileyouhavebeenabsent,inkeepingeverythingasitusedtobewhenwewerechildren.Forwewereveryhappythen,Ithink.''Heavenknowswewere!'saidI.'Andeverylittlethingthathasremindedmeofmybrother,'saidAgnes,withhercordialeyesturnedcheerfullyuponme,'hasbeenawelcomecompanion.Eventhis,'showingmethebasket-trifle,fullofkeys,stillhangingatherside,'seemstojingleakindofoldtune!'
Shesmiledagain,andwentoutatthedoorbywhichshehadcome.Itwasformetoguardthissisterlyaffectionwithreligiouscare.ItwasallthatIhadleftmyself,anditwasatreasure.IfIonceshookthefoundationsofthesacredconfidenceandusage,invirtueofwhichitwasgiventome,itwaslost,andcouldneverberecovered.Isetthissteadilybeforemyself.ThebetterIlovedher,themoreitbehovedmenevertoforgetit.Iwalkedthroughthestreets;and,oncemoreseeingmyoldadversarythebutcher-nowaconstable,withhisstaffhangingupintheshop-wentdowntolookattheplacewhereIhadfoughthim;andtheremeditatedonMissShepherdandtheeldestMissLarkins,andalltheidlelovesandlikings,anddislikings,ofthattime.NothingseemedtohavesurvivedthattimebutAgnes;andshe,everastaraboveme,wasbrighterandhigher.WhenIreturned,Mr.Wickfieldhadcomehome,fromagardenhehad,acoupleofmilesorsooutoftown,wherehenowemployedhimselfalmosteveryday.Ifoundhimasmyaunthaddescribedhim.Wesatdowntodinner,withsomehalf-dozenlittlegirls;andheseemedbuttheshadowofhishandsomepictureonthewall.
Thetranquillityandpeacebelonging,ofold,tothatquietgroundinmymemory,pervadeditagain.Whendinnerwasdone,Mr.Wickfieldtakingnowine,andIdesiringnone,wewentup-stairs;whereAgnesandherlittlechargessangandplayed,andworked.Afterteathechildrenleftus;andwethreesattogether,talkingofthebygonedays.'Mypartinthem,'saidMr.Wickfield,shakinghiswhitehead,'hasmuchmatterforregret-fordeepregret,anddeepcontrition,Trotwood,youwellknow.ButIwouldnotcancelit,ifitwereinmypower.'Icouldreadilybelievethat,lookingatthefacebesidehim.'Ishouldcancelwithit,'hepursued,'suchpatienceanddevotion,suchfidelity,suchachild'slove,asImustnotforget,no!eventoforgetmyself.''Iunderstandyou,sir,'Isoftlysaid.'Iholdit-Ihavealwaysheldit-inveneration.''Butnooneknows,notevenyou,'hereturned,'howmuchshehasdone,howmuchshehasundergone,howhardshehasstriven.Dear
Agnes!'Shehadputherhandentreatinglyonhisarm,tostophim;andwasvery,verypale.'Well,well!'hesaidwithasigh,dismissing,asIthensaw,sometrialshehadborne,orwasyettobear,inconnexionwithwhatmyaunthadtoldme.'Well!Ihavenevertoldyou,Trotwood,ofhermother.Hasanyone?''Never,sir.''It'snotmuch-thoughitwasmuchtosuffer.Shemarriedmeinoppositiontoherfather'swish,andherenouncedher.Sheprayedhimtoforgiveher,beforemyAgnescameintothisworld.Hewasaveryhardman,andhermotherhadlongbeendead.Herepulsedher.Hebrokeherheart.'Agnesleaneduponhisshoulder,andstoleherarmabouthisneck.'Shehadanaffectionateandgentleheart,'hesaid;'anditwasbroken.Iknewitstendernatureverywell.Noonecould,ifIdidnot.Shelovedmedearly,butwasneverhappy.Shewasalways
labouring,insecret,underthisdistress;andbeingdelicateanddowncastatthetimeofhislastrepulse-foritwasnotthefirst,bymany-pinedawayanddied.SheleftmeAgnes,twoweeksold;andthegreyhairthatyourecollectmewith,whenyoufirstcame.'HekissedAgnesonhercheek.'Myloveformydearchildwasadiseasedlove,butmymindwasallunhealthythen.Isaynomoreofthat.Iamnotspeakingofmyself,Trotwood,butofhermother,andofher.IfIgiveyouanycluetowhatIam,ortowhatIhavebeen,youwillunravelit,Iknow.WhatAgnesis,Ineednotsay.Ihavealwaysreadsomethingofherpoormother'sstory,inhercharacter;andsoItellityoutonight,whenwethreeareagaintogether,aftersuchgreatchanges.Ihavetolditall.'Hisbowedhead,andherangel-faceandfilialduty,derivedamorepatheticmeaningfromitthantheyhadhadbefore.IfIhadwantedanythingbywhichtomarkthisnightofourre-union,Ishouldhavefounditinthis.Agnesroseupfromherfather'sside,beforelong;andgoingsoftlytoherpiano,playedsomeoftheoldairstowhichwehadoftenlistenedinthatplace.
'Haveyouanyintentionofgoingawayagain?'Agnesaskedme,asIwasstandingby.'Whatdoesmysistersaytothat?''Ihopenot.''ThenIhavenosuchintention,Agnes.''Ithinkyououghtnot,Trotwood,sinceyouaskme,'shesaid,mildly.'Yourgrowingreputationandsuccessenlargeyourpowerofdoinggood;andifIcouldsparemybrother,'withhereyesuponme,'perhapsthetimecouldnot.''WhatIam,youhavemademe,Agnes.Youshouldknowbest.''Imadeyou,Trotwood?''Yes!Agnes,mydeargirl!'Isaid,bendingoverher.'Itriedtotellyou,whenwemettoday,somethingthathasbeeninmythoughtssinceDoradied.Youremember,whenyoucamedowntomeinourlittleroom-pointingupward,Agnes?'
'Oh,Trotwood!'shereturned,hereyesfilledwithtears.'Soloving,soconfiding,andsoyoung!CanIeverforget?''Asyouwerethen,mysister,Ihaveoftenthoughtsince,youhaveeverbeentome.Everpointingupward,Agnes;everleadingmetosomethingbetter;everdirectingmetohigherthings!'Sheonlyshookherhead;throughhertearsIsawthesamesadquietsmile.'AndIamsogratefultoyouforit,Agnes,soboundtoyou,thatthereisnonamefortheaffectionofmyheart.Iwantyoutoknow,yetdon'tknowhowtotellyou,thatallmylifelongIshalllookuptoyou,andbeguidedbyyou,asIhavebeenthroughthedarknessthatispast.Whateverbetides,whatevernewtiesyoumayform,whateverchangesmaycomebetweenus,Ishallalwayslooktoyou,andloveyou,asIdonow,andhavealwaysdone.Youwillalwaysbemysolaceandresource,asyouhavealwaysbeen.UntilIdie,mydearestsister,Ishallseeyoualwaysbeforeme,pointingupward!'Sheputherhandinmine,andtoldmeshewasproudofme,andof
whatIsaid;althoughIpraisedherveryfarbeyondherworth.Thenshewentonsoftlyplaying,butwithoutremovinghereyesfromme.'Doyouknow,whatIhaveheardtonight,Agnes,'saidI,strangelyseemstobeapartofthefeelingwithwhichIregardedyouwhenIsawyoufirst-withwhichIsatbesideyouinmyroughschool-days?''YouknewIhadnomother,'sherepliedwithasmile,'andfeltkindlytowardsme.''Morethanthat,Agnes,Iknew,almostasifIhadknownthisstory,thattherewassomethinginexplicablygentleandsoftened,surroundingyou;somethingthatmighthavebeensorrowfulinsomeoneelse(asIcannowunderstanditwas),butwasnotsoinyou.'Shesoftlyplayedon,lookingatmestill.'Willyoulaughatmycherishingsuchfancies,Agnes?''No!'
'OratmysayingthatIreallybelieveIfelt,eventhen,thatyoucouldbefaithfullyaffectionateagainstalldiscouragement,andneverceasetobeso,untilyouceasedtolive?-Willyoulaughatsuchadream?''Oh,no!Oh,no!'Foraninstant,adistressfulshadowcrossedherface;but,eveninthestartitgaveme,itwasgone;andshewasplayingon,andlookingatmewithherowncalmsmile.AsIrodebackinthelonelynight,thewindgoingbymelikearestlessmemory,Ithoughtofthis,andfearedshewasnothappy.Iwasnothappy;but,thusfar,IhadfaithfullysetthesealuponthePast,and,thinkingofher,pointingupward,thoughtofheraspointingtothatskyaboveme,where,inthemysterytocome,Imightyetloveherwithaloveunknownonearth,andtellherwhatthestrifehadbeenwithinmewhenIlovedherhere.CHAPTER61IAMSHOWNTWOINTERESTINGPENITENTS
Foratime-atalleventsuntilmybookshouldbecompleted,whichwouldbetheworkofseveralmonths-Itookupmyabodeinmyaunt'shouseatDover;andthere,sittinginthewindowfromwhichIhadlookedoutatthemoonuponthesea,whenthatrooffirstgavemeshelter,Iquietlypursuedmytask.Inpursuanceofmyintentionofreferringtomyownfictionsonlywhentheircourseshouldincidentallyconnectitselfwiththeprogressofmystory,Idonotenterontheaspirations,thedelights,anxieties,andtriumphsofmyart.ThatItrulydevotedmyselftoitwithmystrongestearnestness,andbestoweduponiteveryenergyofmysoul,Ihavealreadysaid.IfthebooksIhavewrittenbeofanyworth,theywillsupplytherest.Ishallotherwisehavewrittentopoorpurpose,andtherestwillbeofinteresttonoone.Occasionally,IwenttoLondon;tolosemyselfintheswarmoflifethere,ortoconsultwithTraddlesonsomebusinesspoint.Hehadmanagedforme,inmyabsence,withthesoundestjudgement;andmyworldlyaffairswereprospering.AsmynotorietybegantobringuponmeanenormousquantityoflettersfrompeopleofwhomIhadnoknowledge-chieflyaboutnothing,andextremelydifficulttoanswer-IagreedwithTraddlestohavemynamepainteduponhis
door.There,thedevotedpostmanonthatbeatdeliveredbushelsoflettersforme;andthere,atintervals,Ilabouredthroughthem,likeaHomeSecretaryofStatewithoutthesalary.Amongthiscorrespondence,theredroppedin,everynowandthen,anobligingproposalfromoneofthenumerousoutsidersalwayslurkingabouttheCommons,topractiseundercoverofmyname(ifIwouldtakethenecessarystepsremainingtomakeaproctorofmyself),andpaymeapercentageontheprofits.ButIdeclinedtheseoffers;beingalreadyawarethattherewereplentyofsuchcovertpractitionersinexistence,andconsideringtheCommonsquitebadenough,withoutmydoinganythingtomakeitworse.Thegirlshadgonehome,whenmynameburstintobloomonTraddles'sdoor;andthesharpboylooked,allday,asifhehadneverheardofSophy,shutupinabackroom,glancingdownfromherworkintoasootylittlestripofgardenwithapumpinit.ButthereIalwaysfoundher,thesamebrighthousewife;oftenhummingherDevonshireballadswhennostrangefootwascomingupthestairs,andbluntingthesharpboyinhisofficialclosetwithmelody.Iwondered,atfirst,whyIsooftenfoundSophywritingina
copy-book;andwhyshealwaysshutitupwhenIappeared,andhurrieditintothetable-drawer.Butthesecretsooncameout.Oneday,Traddles(whohadjustcomehomethroughthedrizzlingsleetfromCourt)tookapaperoutofhisdesk,andaskedmewhatIthoughtofthathandwriting?'Oh,DON'T,Tom!'criedSophy,whowaswarminghisslippersbeforethefire.'Mydear,'returnedTom,inadelightedstate,'whynot?Whatdoyousaytothatwriting,Copperfield?''It'sextraordinarilylegalandformal,'saidI.'Idon'tthinkIeversawsuchastiffhand.''Notlikealady'shand,isit?'saidTraddles.'Alady's!'Irepeated.'Bricksandmortararemorelikealady'shand!'Traddlesbrokeintoarapturouslaugh,andinformedmethatitwasSophy'swriting;thatSophyhadvowedanddeclaredhewouldneedacopying-clerksoon,andshewouldbethatclerk;thatshehad
acquiredthishandfromapattern;andthatshecouldthrowoff-Iforgethowmanyfoliosanhour.Sophywasverymuchconfusedbymybeingtoldallthis,andsaidthatwhen'Tom'wasmadeajudgehewouldn'tbesoreadytoproclaimit.Which'Tom'denied;averringthatheshouldalwaysbeequallyproudofit,underallcircumstances.'Whatathoroughlygoodandcharmingwifesheis,mydearTraddles!'saidI,whenshehadgoneaway,laughing.'MydearCopperfield,'returnedTraddles,'sheis,withoutanyexception,thedearestgirl!Thewayshemanagesthisplace;herpunctuality,domesticknowledge,economy,andorder;hercheerfulness,Copperfield!''Indeed,youhavereasontocommendher!'Ireturned.'Youareahappyfellow.Ibelieveyoumakeyourselves,andeachother,twoofthehappiestpeopleintheworld.''IamsureweAREtwoofthehappiestpeople,'returnedTraddles.'Iadmitthat,atallevents.Blessmysoul,whenIseehergettingupbycandle-lightonthesedarkmornings,busyingherself
intheday'sarrangements,goingouttomarketbeforetheclerkscomeintotheInn,caringfornoweather,devisingthemostcapitallittledinnersoutoftheplainestmaterials,makingpuddingsandpies,keepingeverythinginitsrightplace,alwayssoneatandornamentalherself,sittingupatnightwithmeifit'seversolate,sweet-temperedandencouragingalways,andallforme,Ipositivelysometimescan'tbelieveit,Copperfield!'Hewastenderoftheveryslippersshehadbeenwarming,asheputthemon,andstretchedhisfeetenjoyinglyuponthefender.'Ipositivelysometimescan'tbelieveit,'saidTraddles.'Thenourpleasures!Dearme,theyareinexpensive,buttheyarequitewonderful!Whenweareathomehere,ofanevening,andshuttheouterdoor,anddrawthosecurtains-whichshemade-wherecouldwebemoresnug?Whenit'sfine,andwegooutforawalkintheevening,thestreetsaboundinenjoymentforus.Welookintotheglitteringwindowsofthejewellers'shops;andIshowSophywhichofthediamond-eyedserpents,coileduponwhitesatinrisinggrounds,IwouldgiveherifIcouldaffordit;andSophyshowsmewhichofthegoldwatchesthatarecappedandjewelledandengine-turned,andpossessedofthehorizontallever-escape-movement,andallsortsofthings,shewouldbuyformeif
shecouldaffordit;andwepickoutthespoonsandforks,fish-slices,butter-knives,andsugar-tongs,weshouldbothpreferifwecouldbothaffordit;andreallywegoawayasifwehadgotthem!Then,whenwestrollintothesquares,andgreatstreets,andseeahousetolet,sometimeswelookupatit,andsay,howwouldTHATdo,ifIwasmadeajudge?Andweparcelitout-sucharoomforus,suchroomsforthegirls,andsoforth;untilwesettletooursatisfactionthatitwoulddo,oritwouldn'tdo,asthecasemaybe.Sometimes,wegoathalf-pricetothepitofthetheatre-theverysmellofwhichischeap,inmyopinion,atthemoney-andtherewethoroughlyenjoytheplay:whichSophybelieveseverywordof,andsodoI.Inwalkinghome,perhapswebuyalittlebitofsomethingatacook's-shop,oralittlelobsteratthefishmongers,andbringithere,andmakeasplendidsupper,chattingaboutwhatwehaveseen.Now,youknow,Copperfield,ifIwasLordChancellor,wecouldn'tdothis!''Youwoulddosomething,whateveryouwere,mydearTraddles,'thoughtI,'thatwouldbepleasantandamiable.Andbytheway,'Isaidaloud,'Isupposeyouneverdrawanyskeletonsnow?''Really,'repliedTraddles,laughing,andreddening,'Ican'twhollydenythatIdo,mydearCopperfield.Forbeinginoneof
thebackrowsoftheKing'sBenchtheotherday,withapeninmyhand,thefancycameintomyheadtotryhowIhadpreservedthataccomplishment.AndIamafraidthere'saskeleton-inawig-ontheledgeofthedesk.'Afterwehadbothlaughedheartily,Traddleswoundupbylookingwithasmileatthefire,andsaying,inhisforgivingway,'OldCreakle!''Ihavealetterfromthatold-Rascalhere,'saidI.ForIneverwaslessdisposedtoforgivehimthewayheusedtobatterTraddles,thanwhenIsawTraddlessoreadytoforgivehimhimself.'FromCreakletheschoolmaster?'exclaimedTraddles.'No!''Amongthepersonswhoareattractedtomeinmyrisingfameandfortune,'saidI,lookingovermyletters,'andwhodiscoverthattheywerealwaysmuchattachedtome,istheself-sameCreakle.Heisnotaschoolmasternow,Traddles.Heisretired.HeisaMiddlesexMagistrate.'IthoughtTraddlesmightbesurprisedtohearit,buthewasnotsoatall.
'HowdoyousupposehecomestobeaMiddlesexMagistrate?'saidI.'Ohdearme!'repliedTraddles,'itwouldbeverydifficulttoanswerthatquestion.Perhapshevotedforsomebody,orlentmoneytosomebody,orboughtsomethingofsomebody,orotherwiseobligedsomebody,orjobbedforsomebody,whoknewsomebodywhogotthelieutenantofthecountytonominatehimforthecommission.''Onthecommissionheis,atanyrate,'saidI.'Andhewritestomehere,thathewillbegladtoshowme,inoperation,theonlytruesystemofprisondiscipline;theonlyunchallengeablewayofmakingsincereandlastingconvertsandpenitents-which,youknow,isbysolitaryconfinement.Whatdoyousay?''Tothesystem?'inquiredTraddles,lookinggrave.'No.Tomyacceptingtheoffer,andyourgoingwithme?''Idon'tobject,'saidTraddles.'ThenI'llwritetosayso.Youremember(tosaynothingofourtreatment)thissameCreakleturninghissonoutofdoors,I
suppose,andthelifeheusedtoleadhiswifeanddaughter?''Perfectly,'saidTraddles.'Yet,ifyou'llreadhisletter,you'llfindheisthetenderestofmentoprisonersconvictedofthewholecalendaroffelonies,'saidI;'thoughIcan'tfindthathistendernessextendstoanyotherclassofcreatedbeings.'Traddlesshruggedhisshoulders,andwasnotatallsurprised.Ihadnotexpectedhimtobe,andwasnotsurprisedmyself;ormyobservationofsimilarpracticalsatireswouldhavebeenbutscanty.Wearrangedthetimeofourvisit,andIwroteaccordinglytoMr.Creaklethatevening.Ontheappointedday-Ithinkitwasthenextday,butnomatter-TraddlesandIrepairedtotheprisonwhereMr.Creaklewaspowerful.Itwasanimmenseandsolidbuilding,erectedatavastexpense.Icouldnothelpthinking,asweapproachedthegate,whatanuproarwouldhavebeenmadeinthecountry,ifanydeludedmanhadproposedtospendonehalfthemoneyithadcost,ontheerectionofanindustrialschoolfortheyoung,orahouseofrefugeforthedeservingold.
Inanofficethatmighthavebeenontheground-flooroftheTowerofBabel,itwassomassivelyconstructed,wewerepresentedtoouroldschoolmaster;whowasoneofagroup,composedoftwoorthreeofthebusiersortofmagistrates,andsomevisitorstheyhadbrought.Hereceivedme,likeamanwhohadformedmymindinbygoneyears,andhadalwayslovedmetenderly.OnmyintroducingTraddles,Mr.Creakleexpressed,inlikemanner,butinaninferiordegree,thathehadalwaysbeenTraddles'sguide,philosopher,andfriend.Ourvenerableinstructorwasagreatdealolder,andnotimprovedinappearance.Hisfacewasasfieryasever;hiseyeswereassmall,andratherdeeperset.Thescanty,wet-lookinggreyhair,bywhichIrememberedhim,wasalmostgone;andthethickveinsinhisbaldheadwerenonethemoreagreeabletolookat.Aftersomeconversationamongthesegentlemen,fromwhichImighthavesupposedthattherewasnothingintheworldtobelegitimatelytakenintoaccountbutthesupremecomfortofprisoners,atanyexpense,andnothingonthewideearthtobedoneoutsideprison-doors,webeganourinspection.Itbeingthenjustdinner-time,wewent,firstintothegreatkitchen,whereeveryprisoner'sdinnerwasincourseofbeingsetoutseparately(tobehandedtohiminhiscell),withtheregularityandprecisionof
clock-work.Isaidaside,toTraddles,thatIwonderedwhetheritoccurredtoanybody,thattherewasastrikingcontrastbetweentheseplentifulrepastsofchoicequality,andthedinners,nottosayofpaupers,butofsoldiers,sailors,labourers,thegreatbulkofthehonest,workingcommunity;ofwhomnotonemaninfivehundredeverdinedhalfsowell.ButIlearnedthatthe'system'requiredhighliving;and,inshort,todisposeofthesystem,onceforall,Ifoundthatonthatheadandonallothers,'thesystem'putanendtoalldoubts,anddisposedofallanomalies.Nobodyappearedtohavetheleastideathattherewasanyothersystem,butTHEsystem,tobeconsidered.Asweweregoingthroughsomeofthemagnificentpassages,IinquiredofMr.Creakleandhisfriendswhatweresupposedtobethemainadvantagesofthisall-governinganduniversallyover-ridingsystem?Ifoundthemtobetheperfectisolationofprisoners-sothatnoonemaninconfinementthere,knewanythingaboutanother;andthereductionofprisonerstoawholesomestateofmind,leadingtosincerecontritionandrepentance.Now,itstruckme,whenwebegantovisitindividualsintheircells,andtotraversethepassagesinwhichthosecellswere,andtohavethemannerofthegoingtochapelandsoforth,explained
tous,thattherewasastrongprobabilityoftheprisonersknowingagooddealabouteachother,andoftheircarryingonaprettycompletesystemofintercourse.This,atthetimeIwrite,hasbeenproved,Ibelieve,tobethecase;but,asitwouldhavebeenflatblasphemyagainstthesystemtohavehintedsuchadoubtthen,IlookedoutforthepenitenceasdiligentlyasIcould.Andhereagain,Ihadgreatmisgivings.Ifoundasprevalentafashionintheformofthepenitence,asIhadleftoutsideintheformsofthecoatsandwaistcoatsinthewindowsofthetailors'shops.Ifoundavastamountofprofession,varyingverylittleincharacter:varyingverylittle(whichIthoughtexceedinglysuspicious),eveninwords.Ifoundagreatmanyfoxes,disparagingwholevineyardsofinaccessiblegrapes;butIfoundveryfewfoxeswhomIwouldhavetrustedwithinreachofabunch.Aboveall,Ifoundthatthemostprofessingmenwerethegreatestobjectsofinterest;andthattheirconceit,theirvanity,theirwantofexcitement,andtheirloveofdeception(whichmanyofthempossessedtoanalmostincredibleextent,astheirhistoriesshowed),allpromptedtotheseprofessions,andwereallgratifiedbythem.However,Iheardsorepeatedly,inthecourseofourgoingstoand
fro,ofacertainNumberTwentySeven,whowastheFavourite,andwhoreallyappearedtobeaModelPrisoner,thatIresolvedtosuspendmyjudgementuntilIshouldseeTwentySeven.TwentyEight,Iunderstood,wasalsoabrightparticularstar;butitwashismisfortunetohavehisgloryalittledimmedbytheextraordinarylustreofTwentySeven.IheardsomuchofTwentySeven,ofhispiousadmonitionstoeverybodyaroundhim,andofthebeautifullettersheconstantlywrotetohismother(whomheseemedtoconsiderinaverybadway),thatIbecamequiteimpatienttoseehim.Ihadtorestrainmyimpatienceforsometime,onaccountofTwentySevenbeingreservedforaconcludingeffect.But,atlast,wecametothedoorofhiscell;andMr.Creakle,lookingthroughalittleholeinit,reportedtous,inastateofthegreatestadmiration,thathewasreadingaHymnBook.Therewassucharushofheadsimmediately,toseeNumberTwentySevenreadinghisHymnBook,thatthelittleholewasblockedup,sixorsevenheadsdeep.Toremedythisinconvenience,andgiveusanopportunityofconversingwithTwentySeveninallhispurity,Mr.Creakledirectedthedoorofthecelltobeunlocked,andTwentySeventobeinvitedoutintothepassage.Thiswasdone;
andwhomshouldTraddlesandIthenbehold,toouramazement,inthisconvertedNumberTwentySeven,butUriahHeep!Heknewusdirectly;andsaid,ashecameout-withtheoldwrithe,-'Howdoyoudo,Mr.Copperfield?Howdoyoudo,Mr.Traddles?'Thisrecognitioncausedageneraladmirationintheparty.Iratherthoughtthateveryonewasstruckbyhisnotbeingproud,andtakingnoticeofus.'Well,TwentySeven,'saidMr.Creakle,mournfullyadmiringhim.'Howdoyoufindyourselftoday?''Iamveryumble,sir!'repliedUriahHeep.'Youarealwaysso,TwentySeven,'saidMr.Creakle.Here,anothergentlemanasked,withextremeanxiety:'Areyouquitecomfortable?''Yes,Ithankyou,sir!'saidUriahHeep,lookinginthat
direction.'Farmorecomfortablehere,thaneverIwasoutside.Iseemyfollies,now,sir.That'swhatmakesmecomfortable.'Severalgentlemenweremuchaffected;andathirdquestioner,forcinghimselftothefront,inquiredwithextremefeeling:'Howdoyoufindthebeef?''Thankyou,sir,'repliedUriah,glancinginthenewdirectionofthisvoice,'itwastougheryesterdaythanIcouldwish;butit'smydutytobear.Ihavecommittedfollies,gentlemen,'saidUriah,lookingroundwithameeksmile,'andIoughttobeartheconsequenceswithoutrepining.'Amurmur,partlyofgratificationatTwentySeven'scelestialstateofmind,andpartlyofindignationagainsttheContractorwhohadgivenhimanycauseofcomplaint(anoteofwhichwasimmediatelymadebyMr.Creakle),havingsubsided,TwentySevenstoodinthemidstofus,asifhefelthimselftheprincipalobjectofmeritinahighlymeritoriousmuseum.Thatwe,theneophytes,mighthaveanexcessoflightshininguponusallatonce,ordersweregiventoletoutTwentyEight.Ihadbeensomuchastonishedalready,thatIonlyfeltakindofresignedwonderwhenMr.Littimerwalkedforth,readingagood
book!'TwentyEight,'saidagentlemaninspectacles,whohadnotyetspoken,'youcomplainedlastweek,mygoodfellow,ofthecocoa.Howhasitbeensince?''Ithankyou,sir,'saidMr.Littimer,'ithasbeenbettermade.IfImighttakethelibertyofsayingso,sir,Idon'tthinkthemilkwhichisboiledwithitisquitegenuine;butIamaware,sir,thatthereisagreatadulterationofmilk,inLondon,andthatthearticleinapurestateisdifficulttobeobtained.'ItappearedtomethatthegentlemaninspectaclesbackedhisTwentyEightagainstMr.Creakle'sTwentySeven,foreachofthemtookhisownmaninhand.'Whatisyourstateofmind,TwentyEight?'saidthequestionerinspectacles.'Ithankyou,sir,'returnedMr.Littimer;'Iseemyfolliesnow,sir.IamagooddealtroubledwhenIthinkofthesinsofmyformercompanions,sir;butItrusttheymayfindforgiveness.'
'Youarequitehappyyourself?'saidthequestioner,noddingencouragement.'Iammuchobligedtoyou,sir,'returnedMr.Littimer.'Perfectlyso.''Isthereanythingatallonyourmindnow?'saidthequestioner.'Ifso,mentionit,TwentyEight.''Sir,'saidMr.Littimer,withoutlookingup,'ifmyeyeshavenotdeceivedme,thereisagentlemanpresentwhowasacquaintedwithmeinmyformerlife.Itmaybeprofitabletothatgentlemantoknow,sir,thatIattributemypastfollies,entirelytohavinglivedathoughtlesslifeintheserviceofyoungmen;andtohavingallowedmyselftobeledbythemintoweaknesses,whichIhadnotthestrengthtoresist.Ihopethatgentlemanwilltakewarning,sir,andwillnotbeoffendedatmyfreedom.Itisforhisgood.Iamconsciousofmyownpastfollies.Ihopehemayrepentofallthewickednessandsintowhichhehasbeenaparty.'Iobservedthatseveralgentlemenwereshadingtheireyes,eachwithonehand,asiftheyhadjustcomeintochurch.
'Thisdoesyoucredit,TwentyEight,'returnedthequestioner.'Ishouldhaveexpecteditofyou.Isthereanythingelse?''Sir,'returnedMr.Littimer,slightlyliftinguphiseyebrows,butnothiseyes,'therewasayoungwomanwhofellintodissolutecourses,thatIendeavouredtosave,sir,butcouldnotrescue.Ibegthatgentleman,ifhehasitinhispower,toinformthatyoungwomanfrommethatIforgiveherherbadconducttowardsmyself,andthatIcallhertorepentance-ifhewillbesogood.''Ihavenodoubt,TwentyEight,'returnedthequestioner,'thatthegentlemanyourefertofeelsverystrongly-asweallmust-whatyouhavesoproperlysaid.Wewillnotdetainyou.''Ithankyou,sir,'saidMr.Littimer.'Gentlemen,Iwishyouagoodday,andhopingyouandyourfamilieswillalsoseeyourwickedness,andamend!'Withthis,NumberTwentyEightretired,afteraglancebetweenhimandUriah;asiftheywerenotaltogetherunknowntoeachother,throughsomemediumofcommunication;andamurmurwentroundthegroup,ashisdoorshutuponhim,thathewasamostrespectableman,andabeautifulcase.
'Now,TwentySeven,'saidMr.Creakle,enteringonaclearstagewithhisman,'isthereanythingthatanyonecandoforyou?Ifso,mentionit.''Iwouldumblyask,sir,'returnedUriah,withajerkofhismalevolenthead,'forleavetowriteagaintomother.''Itshallcertainlybegranted,'saidMr.Creakle.'Thankyou,sir!Iamanxiousaboutmother.Iamafraidsheain'tsafe.'Somebodyincautiouslyasked,whatfrom?Buttherewasascandalizedwhisperof'Hush!''Immortallysafe,sir,'returnedUriah,writhinginthedirectionofthevoice.'Ishouldwishmothertobegotintomystate.InevershouldhavebeengotintomypresentstateifIhadn'tcomehere.Iwishmotherhadcomehere.Itwouldbebetterforeverybody,iftheygottookup,andwasbroughthere.'Thissentimentgaveunboundedsatisfaction-greatersatisfaction,
Ithink,thananythingthathadpassedyet.'BeforeIcomehere,'saidUriah,stealingalookatus,asifhewouldhaveblightedtheouterworldtowhichwebelonged,ifhecould,'Iwasgiventofollies;butnowIamsensibleofmyfollies.There'sadealofsinoutside.There'sadealofsininmother.There'snothingbutsineverywhere-excepthere.''Youarequitechanged?'saidMr.Creakle.'Ohdear,yes,sir!'criedthishopefulpenitent.'Youwouldn'trelapse,ifyouweregoingout?'askedsomebodyelse.'Ohde-arno,sir!''Well!'saidMr.Creakle,'thisisverygratifying.YouhaveaddressedMr.Copperfield,TwentySeven.Doyouwishtosayanythingfurthertohim?''Youknewme,alongtimebeforeIcamehereandwaschanged,Mr.Copperfield,'saidUriah,lookingatme;andamorevillainouslookIneversaw,evenonhisvisage.'Youknewmewhen,inspiteofmy
follies,Iwasumbleamongthemthatwasproud,andmeekamongthemthatwasviolent-youwasviolenttomeyourself,Mr.Copperfield.Once,youstruckmeablowintheface,youknow.'Generalcommiseration.Severalindignantglancesdirectedatme.'ButIforgiveyou,Mr.Copperfield,'saidUriah,makinghisforgivingnaturethesubjectofamostimpiousandawfulparallel,whichIshallnotrecord.'Iforgiveeverybody.Itwouldillbecomemetobearmalice.Ifreelyforgiveyou,andIhopeyou'llcurbyourpassionsinfuture.IhopeMr.W.willrepent,andMissW.,andallofthatsinfullot.You'vebeenvisitedwithaffliction,andIhopeitmaydoyougood;butyou'dbetterhavecomehere.Mr.W.hadbetterhavecomehere,andMissW.too.ThebestwishIcouldgiveyou,Mr.Copperfield,andgiveallofyougentlemen,is,thatyoucouldbetookupandbroughthere.WhenIthinkofmypastfollies,andmypresentstate,Iamsureitwouldbebestforyou.Ipityallwhoain'tbroughthere!'Hesneakedbackintohiscell,amidstalittlechorusofapprobation;andbothTraddlesandIexperiencedagreatreliefwhenhewaslockedin.
Itwasacharacteristicfeatureinthisrepentance,thatIwasfaintoaskwhatthesetwomenhaddone,tobethereatall.Thatappearedtobethelastthingaboutwhichtheyhadanythingtosay.Iaddressedmyselftooneofthetwowarders,who,Isuspectedfromcertainlatentindicationsintheirfaces,knewprettywellwhatallthisstirwasworth.'Doyouknow,'saidI,aswewalkedalongthepassage,'whatfelonywasNumberTwentySeven'slast"folly"?'TheanswerwasthatitwasaBankcase.'AfraudontheBankofEngland?'Iasked.'Yes,sir.Fraud,forgery,andconspiracy.Heandsomeothers.Hesettheotherson.Itwasadeepplotforalargesum.Sentence,transportationforlife.TwentySevenwastheknowingestbirdofthelot,andhadverynearlykepthimselfsafe;butnotquite.TheBankwasjustabletoputsaltuponhistail-andonlyjust.''DoyouknowTwentyEight'soffence?''TwentyEight,'returnedmyinformant,speakingthroughoutinalow
tone,andlookingoverhisshoulderaswewalkedalongthepassage,toguardhimselffrombeingoverheard,insuchanunlawfulreferencetotheseImmaculates,byCreakleandtherest;'TwentyEight(alsotransportation)gotaplace,androbbedayoungmasterofamatteroftwohundredandfiftypoundsinmoneyandvaluables,thenightbeforetheyweregoingabroad.Iparticularlyrecollecthiscase,fromhisbeingtookbyadwarf.''Awhat?''Alittlewoman.Ihaveforgothername?''NotMowcher?''That'sit!Hehadeludedpursuit,andwasgoingtoAmericainaflaxenwig,andwhiskers,andsuchacompletedisguiseasneveryouseeinallyourborndays;whenthelittlewoman,beinginSouthampton,methimwalkingalongthestreet-pickedhimoutwithhersharpeyeinamoment-ranbetwixthislegstoupsethim-andheldontohimlikegrimDeath.''ExcellentMissMowcher!'criedI.
'You'dhavesaidso,ifyouhadseenher,standingonachairinthewitness-boxatthetrial,asIdid,'saidmyfriend.'Hecutherfacerightopen,andpoundedherinthemostbrutalmanner,whenshetookhim;butsheneverloosedherholdtillhewaslockedup.Sheheldsotighttohim,infact,thattheofficerswereobligedtotake'embothtogether.Shegaveherevidenceinthegamestway,andwashighlycomplimentedbytheBench,andcheeredrighthometoherlodgings.ShesaidinCourtthatshe'dhavetookhimsingle-handed(onaccountofwhatsheknewconcerninghim),ifhehadbeenSamson.Andit'smybeliefshewould!'Itwasminetoo,andIhighlyrespectedMissMowcherforit.Wehadnowseenalltherewastosee.ItwouldhavebeeninvaintorepresenttosuchamanastheWorshipfulMr.Creakle,thatTwentySevenandTwentyEightwereperfectlyconsistentandunchanged;thatexactlywhattheywerethen,theyhadalwaysbeen;thatthehypocriticalknaveswerejustthesubjectstomakethatsortofprofessioninsuchaplace;thattheyknewitsmarket-valueatleastaswellaswedid,intheimmediateserviceitwoulddothemwhentheywereexpatriated;inaword,thatitwasarotten,hollow,painfullysuggestivepieceofbusinessaltogether.Weleftthemtotheirsystemandthemselves,andwenthomewondering.
'Perhapsit'sagoodthing,Traddles,'saidI,'tohaveanunsoundHobbyriddenhard;forit'sthesoonerriddentodeath.''Ihopeso,'repliedTraddles.CHAPTER62ALIGHTSHINESONMYWAYTheyearcameroundtoChristmas-time,andIhadbeenathomeabovetwomonths.IhadseenAgnesfrequently.Howeverloudthegeneralvoicemightbeingivingmeencouragement,andhoweverferventtheemotionsandendeavourstowhichitrousedme,IheardherlightestwordofpraiseasIheardnothingelse.Atleastonceaweek,andsometimesoftener,Irodeoverthere,andpassedtheevening.Iusuallyrodebackatnight;fortheoldunhappysensewasalwayshoveringaboutmenow-mostsorrowfullywhenIlefther-andIwasgladtobeupandout,ratherthanwanderingoverthepastinwearywakefulnessormiserabledreams.Iworeawaythelongestpartofmanywildsadnights,inthoserides;reviving,asIwent,thethoughtsthathadoccupiedmeinmy
longabsence.Or,ifIweretosayratherthatIlistenedtotheechoesofthosethoughts,Ishouldbetterexpressthetruth.Theyspoketomefromafaroff.Ihadputthematadistance,andacceptedmyinevitableplace.WhenIreadtoAgneswhatIwrote;whenIsawherlisteningface;movedhertosmilesortears;andheardhercordialvoicesoearnestontheshadowyeventsofthatimaginativeworldinwhichIlived;Ithoughtwhatafateminemighthavebeen-butonlythoughtso,asIhadthoughtafterIwasmarriedtoDora,whatIcouldhavewishedmywifetobe.MydutytoAgnes,wholovedmewithalove,which,ifIdisquieted,Iwrongedmostselfishlyandpoorly,andcouldneverrestore;mymaturedassurancethatI,whohadworkedoutmyowndestiny,andwonwhatIhadimpetuouslysetmyhearton,hadnorighttomurmur,andmustbear;comprisedwhatIfeltandwhatIhadlearned.ButIlovedher:andnowitevenbecamesomeconsolationtome,vaguelytoconceiveadistantdaywhenImightblamelesslyavowit;whenallthisshouldbeover;whenIcouldsay'Agnes,soitwaswhenIcamehome;andnowIamold,andIneverhavelovedsince!'Shedidnotonceshowmeanychangeinherself.Whatshealways
hadbeentome,shestillwas;whollyunaltered.Betweenmyauntandmetherehadbeensomething,inthisconnexion,sincethenightofmyreturn,whichIcannotcallarestraint,oranavoidanceofthesubject,somuchasanimpliedunderstandingthatwethoughtofittogether,butdidnotshapeourthoughtsintowords.When,accordingtoouroldcustom,wesatbeforethefireatnight,weoftenfellintothistrain;asnaturally,andasconsciouslytoeachother,asifwehadunreservedlysaidso.Butwepreservedanunbrokensilence.Ibelievedthatshehadread,orpartlyread,mythoughtsthatnight;andthatshefullycomprehendedwhyIgaveminenomoredistinctexpression.ThisChristmas-timebeingcome,andAgneshavingreposednonewconfidenceinme,adoubtthathadseveraltimesariseninmymind-whethershecouldhavethatperceptionofthetruestateofmybreast,whichrestrainedherwiththeapprehensionofgivingmepain-begantooppressmeheavily.Ifthatwereso,mysacrificewasnothing;myplainestobligationtoherunfulfilled;andeverypooractionIhadshrunkfrom,Iwashourlydoing.Iresolvedtosetthisrightbeyondalldoubt;-ifsuchabarrierwerebetweenus,tobreakitdownatoncewithadeterminedhand.
Itwas-whatlastingreasonhaveItorememberit!-acold,harsh,winterday.Therehadbeensnow,somehoursbefore;anditlay,notdeep,buthard-frozenontheground.Outatsea,beyondmywindow,thewindblewruggedlyfromthenorth.Ihadbeenthinkingofit,sweepingoverthosemountainwastesofsnowinSwitzerland,theninaccessibletoanyhumanfoot;andhadbeenspeculatingwhichwasthelonelier,thosesolitaryregions,oradesertedocean.'Ridingtoday,Trot?'saidmyaunt,puttingherheadinatthedoor.'Yes,'saidI,'IamgoingovertoCanterbury.It'sagooddayforaride.''Ihopeyourhorsemaythinksotoo,'saidmyaunt;'butatpresentheisholdingdownhisheadandhisears,standingbeforethedoorthere,asifhethoughthisstablepreferable.'Myaunt,Imayobserve,allowedmyhorseontheforbiddenground,buthadnotatallrelentedtowardsthedonkeys.'Hewillbefreshenough,presently!'saidI.
'Theridewilldohismastergood,atallevents,'observedmyaunt,glancingatthepapersonmytable.'Ah,child,youpassagoodmanyhourshere!Ineverthought,whenIusedtoreadbooks,whatworkitwastowritethem.''It'sworkenoughtoreadthem,sometimes,'Ireturned.'Astothewriting,ithasitsowncharms,aunt.''Ah!Isee!'saidmyaunt.'Ambition,loveofapprobation,sympathy,andmuchmore,Isuppose?Well:goalongwithyou!''Doyouknowanythingmore,'saidI,standingcomposedlybeforeher-shehadpattedmeontheshoulder,andsatdowninmychair-'ofthatattachmentofAgnes?'Shelookedupinmyfacealittlewhile,beforereplying:'IthinkIdo,Trot.''Areyouconfirmedinyourimpression?'Iinquired.'IthinkIam,Trot.'
Shelookedsosteadfastlyatme:withakindofdoubt,orpity,orsuspenseinheraffection:thatIsummonedthestrongerdeterminationtoshowheraperfectlycheerfulface.'Andwhatismore,Trot-'saidmyaunt.'Yes!''IthinkAgnesisgoingtobemarried.''Godblessher!'saidI,cheerfully.'Godblessher!'saidmyaunt,'andherhusbandtoo!'Iechoedit,partedfrommyaunt,andwentlightlydownstairs,mounted,androdeaway.TherewasgreaterreasonthanbeforetodowhatIhadresolvedtodo.HowwellIrecollectthewintryride!Thefrozenparticlesofice,brushedfromthebladesofgrassbythewind,andborneacrossmyface;thehardclatterofthehorse'shoofs,beatingatuneupontheground;thestiff-tilledsoil;thesnowdrift,lightlyeddying
inthechalk-pitasthebreezeruffledit;thesmokingteamwiththewaggonofoldhay,stoppingtobreatheonthehill-top,andshakingtheirbellsmusically;thewhitenedslopesandsweepsofDown-landlyingagainstthedarksky,asiftheyweredrawnonahugeslate!IfoundAgnesalone.Thelittlegirlshadgonetotheirownhomesnow,andshewasalonebythefire,reading.Sheputdownherbookonseeingmecomein;andhavingwelcomedmeasusual,tookherwork-basketandsatinoneoftheold-fashionedwindows.Isatbesideheronthewindow-seat,andwetalkedofwhatIwasdoing,andwhenitwouldbedone,andoftheprogressIhadmadesincemylastvisit.Agneswasverycheerful;andlaughinglypredictedthatIshouldsoonbecometoofamoustobetalkedto,onsuchsubjects.'SoImakethemostofthepresenttime,yousee,'saidAgnes,'andtalktoyouwhileImay.'AsIlookedatherbeautifulface,observantofherwork,sheraisedhermildcleareyes,andsawthatIwaslookingather.
'Youarethoughtfultoday,Trotwood!''Agnes,shallItellyouwhatabout?Icametotellyou.'Sheputasideherwork,asshewasusedtodowhenwewereseriouslydiscussinganything;andgavemeherwholeattention.'MydearAgnes,doyoudoubtmybeingtruetoyou?''No!'sheanswered,withalookofastonishment.'DoyoudoubtmybeingwhatIalwayshavebeentoyou?''No!'sheanswered,asbefore.'DoyourememberthatItriedtotellyou,whenIcamehome,whatadebtofgratitudeIowedyou,dearestAgnes,andhowferventlyIfelttowardsyou?''Irememberit,'shesaid,gently,'verywell.''Youhaveasecret,'saidI.'Letmeshareit,Agnes.'
Shecastdownhereyes,andtrembled.'Icouldhardlyfailtoknow,evenifIhadnotheard-butfromotherlipsthanyours,Agnes,whichseemsstrange-thatthereissomeoneuponwhomyouhavebestowedthetreasureofyourlove.Donotshutmeoutofwhatconcernsyourhappinesssonearly!Ifyoucantrustme,asyousayyoucan,andasIknowyoumay,letmebeyourfriend,yourbrother,inthismatter,ofallothers!'Withanappealing,almostareproachful,glance,sherosefromthewindow;andhurryingacrosstheroomasifwithoutknowingwhere,putherhandsbeforeherface,andburstintosuchtearsassmotemetotheheart.Andyettheyawakenedsomethinginme,bringingpromisetomyheart.Withoutmyknowingwhy,thesetearsalliedthemselveswiththequietlysadsmilewhichwassofixedinmyremembrance,andshookmemorewithhopethanfearorsorrow.'Agnes!Sister!Dearest!WhathaveIdone?''Letmegoaway,Trotwood.Iamnotwell.Iamnotmyself.Iwillspeaktoyoubyandby-anothertime.Iwillwritetoyou.
Don'tspeaktomenow.Don't!don't!'Isoughttorecollectwhatshehadsaid,whenIhadspokentoheronthatformernight,ofheraffectionneedingnoreturn.ItseemedaveryworldthatImustsearchthroughinamoment.'Agnes,Icannotbeartoseeyouso,andthinkthatIhavebeenthecause.Mydearestgirl,dearertomethananythinginlife,ifyouareunhappy,letmeshareyourunhappiness.Ifyouareinneedofhelporcounsel,letmetrytogiveittoyou.Ifyouhaveindeedaburdenonyourheart,letmetrytolightenit.ForwhomdoIlivenow,Agnes,ifitisnotforyou!''Oh,spareme!Iamnotmyself!Anothertime!'wasallIcoulddistinguish.Wasitaselfisherrorthatwasleadingmeaway?Or,havingonceacluetohope,wastheresomethingopeningtomethatIhadnotdaredtothinkof?'Imustsaymore.Icannotletyouleavemeso!ForHeaven'ssake,Agnes,letusnotmistakeeachotherafteralltheseyears,andallthathascomeandgonewiththem!Imustspeakplainly.IfyouhaveanylingeringthoughtthatIcouldenvythehappinessyouwill
confer;thatIcouldnotresignyoutoadearerprotector,ofyourownchoosing;thatIcouldnot,frommyremovedplace,beacontentedwitnessofyourjoy;dismissit,forIdon'tdeserveit!Ihavenotsufferedquiteinvain.Youhavenottaughtmequiteinvain.ThereisnoalloyofselfinwhatIfeelforyou.'Shewasquietnow.Inalittletime,sheturnedherpalefacetowardsme,andsaidinalowvoice,brokenhereandthere,butveryclear:'Ioweittoyourpurefriendshipforme,Trotwood-which,indeed,Idonotdoubt-totellyou,youaremistaken.Icandonomore.IfIhavesometimes,inthecourseofyears,wantedhelpandcounsel,theyhavecometome.IfIhavesometimesbeenunhappy,thefeelinghaspassedaway.IfIhaveeverhadaburdenonmyheart,ithasbeenlightenedforme.IfIhaveanysecret,itis-nonewone;andis-notwhatyousuppose.Icannotrevealit,ordivideit.Ithaslongbeenmine,andmustremainmine.''Agnes!Stay!Amoment!'Shewasgoingaway,butIdetainedher.Iclaspedmyarmaboutherwaist.'Inthecourseofyears!''Itisnotanewone!'New
thoughtsandhopeswerewhirlingthroughmymind,andallthecoloursofmylifewerechanging.'DearestAgnes!WhomIsorespectandhonour-whomIsodevotedlylove!WhenIcameheretoday,Ithoughtthatnothingcouldhavewrestedthisconfessionfromme.IthoughtIcouldhavekeptitinmybosomallourlives,tillwewereold.But,Agnes,ifIhaveindeedanynew-bornhopethatImayevercallyousomethingmorethanSister,widelydifferentfromSister!-'Hertearsfellfast;buttheywerenotlikethoseshehadlatelyshed,andIsawmyhopebrighteninthem.'Agnes!Evermyguide,andbestsupport!Ifyouhadbeenmoremindfulofyourself,andlessofme,whenwegrewupheretogether,Ithinkmyheedlessfancyneverwouldhavewanderedfromyou.ButyouweresomuchbetterthanI,sonecessarytomeineveryboyishhopeanddisappointment,thattohaveyoutoconfidein,andrelyuponineverything,becameasecondnature,supplantingforthetimethefirstandgreateroneoflovingyouasIdo!'Stillweeping,butnotsadly-joyfully!Andclaspedinmyarmsasshehadneverbeen,asIhadthoughtsheneverwastobe!
'WhenIlovedDora-fondly,Agnes,asyouknow-''Yes!'shecried,earnestly.'Iamgladtoknowit!''WhenIlovedher-eventhen,mylovewouldhavebeenincomplete,withoutyoursympathy.Ihadit,anditwasperfected.AndwhenIlosther,Agnes,whatshouldIhavebeenwithoutyou,still!'Closerinmyarms,nearertomyheart,hertremblinghanduponmyshoulder,hersweeteyesshiningthroughhertears,onmine!'Iwentaway,dearAgnes,lovingyou.Istayedaway,lovingyou.Ireturnedhome,lovingyou!'Andnow,ItriedtotellherofthestruggleIhadhad,andtheconclusionIhadcometo.Itriedtolaymymindbeforeher,truly,andentirely.ItriedtoshowherhowIhadhopedIhadcomeintothebetterknowledgeofmyselfandofher;howIhadresignedmyselftowhatthatbetterknowledgebrought;andhowIhadcomethere,eventhatday,inmyfidelitytothis.Ifshedidsoloveme(Isaid)thatshecouldtakemeforherhusband,shecoulddoso,onnodeservingofmine,exceptuponthetruthofmy
loveforher,andthetroubleinwhichithadripenedtobewhatitwas;andhenceitwasthatIrevealedit.AndO,Agnes,evenoutofthytrueeyes,inthatsametime,thespiritofmychild-wifelookeduponme,sayingitwaswell;andwinningme,throughthee,totenderestrecollectionsoftheBlossomthathadwitheredinitsbloom!'Iamsoblest,Trotwood-myheartissoovercharged-butthereisonethingImustsay.''Dearest,what?'Shelaidhergentlehandsuponmyshoulders,andlookedcalmlyinmyface.'Doyouknow,yet,whatitis?''Iamafraidtospeculateonwhatitis.Tellme,mydear.''Ihavelovedyouallmylife!'O,wewerehappy,wewerehappy!Ourtearswerenotforthetrials(herssomuchthegreater)throughwhichwehadcometobethus,
butfortheraptureofbeingthus,nevertobedividedmore!Wewalked,thatwinterevening,inthefieldstogether;andtheblessedcalmwithinusseemedtobepartakenbythefrostyair.Theearlystarsbegantoshinewhilewewerelingeringon,andlookinguptothem,wethankedourGODforhavingguidedustothistranquillity.Westoodtogetherinthesameold-fashionedwindowatnight,whenthemoonwasshining;Agneswithherquieteyesraiseduptoit;Ifollowingherglance.Longmilesofroadthenopenedoutbeforemymind;and,toilingon,Isawaraggedway-wornboy,forsakenandneglected,whoshouldcometocalleventheheartnowbeatingagainstmine,hisown.Itwasnearlydinner-timenextdaywhenweappearedbeforemyaunt.Shewasupinmystudy,Peggottysaid:whichitwasherpridetokeepinreadinessandorderforme.Wefoundher,inherspectacles,sittingbythefire.'Goodnessme!'saidmyaunt,peeringthroughthedusk,'who'sthisyou'rebringinghome?'
'Agnes,'saidI.Aswehadarrangedtosaynothingatfirst,myauntwasnotalittlediscomfited.Shedartedahopefulglanceatme,whenIsaid'Agnes';butseeingthatIlookedasusual,shetookoffherspectaclesindespair,andrubbedhernosewiththem.ShegreetedAgnesheartily,nevertheless;andweweresooninthelightedparlourdownstairs,atdinner.Myauntputonherspectaclestwiceorthrice,totakeanotherlookatme,butasoftentookthemoffagain,disappointed,andrubbedhernosewiththem.MuchtothediscomfitureofMr.Dick,whoknewthistobeabadsymptom.'Bytheby,aunt,'saidI,afterdinner;'IhavebeenspeakingtoAgnesaboutwhatyoutoldme.''Then,Trot,'saidmyaunt,turningscarlet,'youdidwrong,andbrokeyourpromise.''Youarenotangry,aunt,Itrust?Iamsureyouwon'tbe,whenyoulearnthatAgnesisnotunhappyinanyattachment.'
'Stuffandnonsense!'saidmyaunt.Asmyauntappearedtobeannoyed,Ithoughtthebestwaywastocutherannoyanceshort.ItookAgnesinmyarmtothebackofherchair,andwebothleanedoverher.Myaunt,withoneclapofherhands,andonelookthroughherspectacles,immediatelywentintohysterics,forthefirstandonlytimeinallmyknowledgeofher.ThehystericscalledupPeggotty.Themomentmyauntwasrestored,sheflewatPeggotty,andcallingherasillyoldcreature,huggedherwithallhermight.Afterthat,shehuggedMr.Dick(whowashighlyhonoured,butagooddealsurprised);andafterthat,toldthemwhy.Then,wewereallhappytogether.Icouldnotdiscoverwhethermyaunt,inherlastshortconversationwithme,hadfallenonapiousfraud,orhadreallymistakenthestateofmymind.Itwasquiteenough,shesaid,thatshehadtoldmeAgneswasgoingtobemarried;andthatInowknewbetterthananyonehowtrueitwas.Weweremarriedwithinafortnight.TraddlesandSophy,andDoctor
andMrs.Strong,weretheonlyguestsatourquietwedding.Weleftthemfullofjoy;anddroveawaytogether.Claspedinmyembrace,IheldthesourceofeveryworthyaspirationIhadeverhad;thecentreofmyself,thecircleofmylife,myown,mywife;myloveofwhomwasfoundedonarock!'Dearesthusband!'saidAgnes.'NowthatImaycallyoubythatname,Ihaveonethingmoretotellyou.''Letmehearit,love.''ItgrowsoutofthenightwhenDoradied.Shesentyouforme.''Shedid.''Shetoldmethatsheleftmesomething.Canyouthinkwhatitwas?'IbelievedIcould.Idrewthewifewhohadsolonglovedme,closertomyside.'Shetoldmethatshemadealastrequesttome,andleftmealastcharge.'
'Anditwas-''ThatonlyIwouldoccupythisvacantplace.'AndAgneslaidherheaduponmybreast,andwept;andIweptwithher,thoughweweresohappy.CHAPTER63AVISITORWhatIhavepurposedtorecordisnearlyfinished;butthereisyetanincidentconspicuousinmymemory,onwhichitoftenrestswithdelight,andwithoutwhichonethreadinthewebIhavespunwouldhavearavelledend.Ihadadvancedinfameandfortune,mydomesticjoywasperfect,Ihadbeenmarriedtenhappyyears.AgnesandIweresittingbythefire,inourhouseinLondon,onenightinspring,andthreeofourchildrenwereplayingintheroom,whenIwastoldthatastrangerwishedtoseeme.
Hehadbeenaskedifhecameonbusiness,andhadansweredNo;hehadcomeforthepleasureofseeingme,andhadcomealongway.Hewasanoldman,myservantsaid,andlookedlikeafarmer.Asthissoundedmysterioustothechildren,andmoreoverwaslikethebeginningofafavouritestoryAgnesusedtotellthem,introductorytothearrivalofawickedoldFairyinacloakwhohatedeverybody,itproducedsomecommotion.Oneofourboyslaidhisheadinhismother'slaptobeoutofharm'sway,andlittleAgnes(oureldestchild)leftherdollinachairtorepresenther,andthrustoutherlittleheapofgoldencurlsfrombetweenthewindow-curtains,toseewhathappenednext.'Lethimcomeinhere!'saidI.Theresoonappeared,pausinginthedarkdoorwayasheentered,ahale,grey-hairedoldman.LittleAgnes,attractedbyhislooks,hadruntobringhimin,andIhadnotyetclearlyseenhisface,whenmywife,startingup,criedouttome,inapleasedandagitatedvoice,thatitwasMr.Peggotty!ItWASMr.Peggotty.Anoldmannow,butinaruddy,hearty,strongoldage.Whenourfirstemotionwasover,andhesatbefore
thefirewiththechildrenonhisknees,andtheblazeshiningonhisface,helooked,tome,asvigorousandrobust,withalashandsome,anoldman,aseverIhadseen.'Mas'rDavy,'saidhe.Andtheoldnameintheoldtonefellsonaturallyonmyear!'Mas'rDavy,'tisajoyfulhourasIseeyou,oncemore,'longwithyourowntrewwife!''Ajoyfulhourindeed,oldfriend!'criedI.'Andtheseheerprettyones,'saidMr.Peggotty.'Tolookattheseheerflowers!Why,Mas'rDavy,youwasbuttheheighthofthelittlestofthese,whenIfirstseeyou!WhenEm'lywarn'tnobigger,andourpoorladwereBUTalad!''Timehaschangedmemorethanithaschangedyousincethen,'saidI.'Butletthesedearroguesgotobed;andasnohouseinEnglandbutthismustholdyou,tellmewheretosendforyourluggage(istheoldblackbagamongit,thatwentsofar,Iwonder!),andthen,overaglassofYarmouthgrog,wewillhavethetidingsoftenyears!''Areyoualone?'askedAgnes.
'Yes,ma'am,'hesaid,kissingherhand,'quitealone.'Wesathimbetweenus,notknowinghowtogivehimwelcomeenough;andasIbegantolistentohisoldfamiliarvoice,Icouldhavefanciedhewasstillpursuinghislongjourneyinsearchofhisdarlingniece.'It'samortofwater,'saidMr.Peggotty,'furtocomeacross,andon'ystayamatteroffowerweeks.Butwater('speciallywhen'tissalt)comesnat'raltome;andfriendsisdear,andIamheer.-Whichisverse,'saidMr.Peggotty,surprisedtofinditout,'thoughIhadn'tsuchintentions.''Areyougoingbackthosemanythousandmiles,sosoon?'askedAgnes.'Yes,ma'am,'hereturned.'IgivthepromisetoEm'ly,aforeIcomeaway.Yousee,Idoen'tgrowyoungerastheyearscomesround,andifIhadn'tsailedas'twas,mostlikeIshouldn'tneverhavedone't.Andit'sallusbeenonmymind,asImustcomeandseeMas'rDavyandyourownsweetbloomingself,inyourweddedhappiness,aforeIgottobetooold.'
Helookedatus,asifhecouldneverfeasthiseyesonussufficiently.Agneslaughinglyputbacksomescatteredlocksofhisgreyhair,thathemightseeusbetter.'Andnowtellus,'saidI,'everythingrelatingtoyourfortunes.''Ourfortuns,Mas'rDavy,'herejoined,'issoontold.Wehaven'tfarednohows,butfaredtothrive.We'veallusthrived.We'veworkedasweoughtto't,andmaybewelivedaleetlehardatfirstorso,butwehaveallusthrived.Whatwithsheep-farming,andwhatwithstock-farming,andwhatwithonethingandwhatwitht'other,weareaswelltodo,aswellcouldbe.Theer'sbeenkienderablessingfelluponus,'saidMr.Peggotty,reverentiallyinclininghishead,'andwe'vedonenowtbutprosper.Thatis,inthelongrun.Ifnotyesterday,whythentoday.Ifnottoday,whythentomorrow.''AndEmily?'saidAgnesandI,bothtogether.'Em'ly,'saidhe,'arteryoulefther,ma'am-andIneverheerdhersayingofherprayersatnight,t'othersidethecanvasscreen,whenwewassettledintheBush,butwhatIheerdyourname-and
artersheandmelostsightofMas'rDavy,thattheershiningsundown-wasthatlow,atfirst,that,ifshehadknow'dthenwhatMas'rDavykepfromussokindandthowtful,'tismyopinionshe'dhavedroopedaway.Buttheerwassomepoorfolksaboardashadillnessamong'em,andshetookcareofthem;andtheerwasthechildreninourcompany,andshetookcareofthem;andsoshegottobebusy,andtobedoinggood,andthathelpedher.''Whendidshefirsthearofit?'Iasked.'IkepitfromherarterIheerdon't,'saidMr.Peggotty,'goingonnighayear.Wewaslivingtheninasolitaryplace,butamongthebeautifullesttrees,andwiththerosesa-coveringourBeeintotheroof.Theercomealongoneday,whenIwasouta-workingontheland,atravellerfromourownNorfolkorSuffolkinEngland(Idoen'trightlymindwhich),andofcoursewetookhimin,andgivhimtoeatanddrink,andmadehimwelcome.Wealldothat,allthecolonyover.He'dgotanoldnewspaperwithhim,andsomeotheraccountinprintofthestorm.That'showsheknow'dit.WhenIcamehomeatnight,Ifoundsheknow'dit.'Hedroppedhisvoiceashesaidthesewords,andthegravityIsowellrememberedoverspreadhisface.
'Diditchangehermuch?'weasked.'Aye,foragoodlongtime,'hesaid,shakinghishead;'ifnottothispresenthour.ButIthinkthesolitoodedonehergood.Andshehadadealtomindinthewayofpoultryandthelike,andmindedofit,andcomethrough.Iwonder,'hesaidthoughtfully,'ifyoucouldseemyEm'lynow,Mas'rDavy,whetheryou'dknowher!''Isshesoaltered?'Iinquired.'Idoen'tknow.Iseeherev'ryday,anddoen'tknow;But,odd-times,Ihavethowtso.Aslightfigure,'saidMr.Peggotty,lookingatthefire,'kienderworn;soft,sorrowful,blueeyes;adelicateface;aprittyhead,leaningalittledown;aquietvoiceandway-timida'most.That'sEm'ly!'Wesilentlyobservedhimashesat,stilllookingatthefire.'Somethinks,'hesaid,'asheraffectionwasill-bestowed;some,ashermarriagewasbrokenoffbydeath.Nooneknowshow'tis.Shemighthavemarriedwell,amortoftimes,"but,uncle,"she
saystome,"that'sgoneforever."Cheerfulalongwithme;retiredwhenothersisby;fondofgoinganydistancefurtoteachachild,orfurtotendasickperson,orfurtodosomekindnesstow'rdsayounggirl'swedding(andshe'sdoneamany,buthasneverseenone);fondlylovingofheruncle;patient;likedbyyoungandold;sowtoutbyallthathasanytrouble.That'sEm'ly!'Hedrewhishandacrosshisface,andwithahalf-suppressedsighlookedupfromthefire.'IsMarthawithyouyet?'Iasked.'Martha,'hereplied,'gotmarried,Mas'rDavy,inthesecondyear.Ayoungman,afarm-labourer,ascomebyusonhiswaytomarketwithhismas'r'sdrays-ajourneyofoverfivehundredmile,theerandback-madeoffersfurtotakeherfurhiswife(wivesisveryscarcetheer),andthentosetupfurtheirtwoselvesintheBush.Shespoketomefurtotellhimhertrewstory.Idid.Theywasmarried,andtheylivefowerhundredmileawayfromanyvoicesbuttheirownandthesingingbirds.''Mrs.Gummidge?'Isuggested.
Itwasapleasantkeytotouch,forMr.Peggottysuddenlyburstintoaroaroflaughter,andrubbedhishandsupanddownhislegs,ashehadbeenaccustomedtodowhenheenjoyedhimselfinthelong-shipwreckedboat.'Wouldyoubelieveit!'hesaid.'Why,someunevenmadeofferfurtomarryher!Ifaship'scookthatwasturningsettler,Mas'rDavy,didn'tmakeoffersfurtomarryMissisGummidge,I'mGormed-andIcan'tsaynofairerthanthat!'IneversawAgneslaughso.ThissuddenecstasyonthepartofMr.Peggottywassodelightfultoher,thatshecouldnotleaveofflaughing;andthemoreshelaughedthemoreshemademelaugh,andthegreaterMr.Peggotty'secstasybecame,andthemoreherubbedhislegs.'AndwhatdidMrs.Gummidgesay?'Iasked,whenIwasgraveenough.'Ifyou'llbelieveme,'returnedMr.Peggotty,'MissisGummidge,'steadofsaying"thankyou,I'mmuchobleegedtoyou,Iain'ta-goingfurtochangemyconditionatmytimeoflife,"up'dwithabucketaswasstandingby,andlaiditoverthattheership'scook'shead'tillhesungoutfurhelp,andIwentinandreskied
ofhim.'Mr.Peggottyburstintoagreatroaroflaughter,andAgnesandIbothkepthimcompany.'ButImustsaythis,forthegoodcreetur,'heresumed,wipinghisface,whenwewerequiteexhausted;'shehasbeenallshesaidshe'dbetous,andmore.She'sthewillingest,thetrewest,thehonestest-helpingwoman,Mas'rDavy,aseverdraw'dthebreathoflife.Ihaveneverknow'dhertobeloneandlorn,forasingleminute,notevenwhenthecolonywasallaforeus,andwewasnewtoit.Andthinkingoftheold'unisathingsheneverdone,Idoassureyou,sincesheleftEngland!''Now,last,notleast,Mr.Micawber,'saidI.'Hehaspaidoffeveryobligationheincurredhere-eventoTraddles'sbill,youremembermydearAgnes-andthereforewemaytakeitforgrantedthatheisdoingwell.Butwhatisthelatestnewsofhim?'Mr.Peggotty,withasmile,puthishandinhisbreast-pocket,andproducedaflat-folded,paperparcel,fromwhichhetookout,withmuchcare,alittleodd-lookingnewspaper.
'Youaretounderstan',Mas'rDavy,'saidhe,'aswehavelefttheBushnow,beingsowelltodo;andhavegonerightawayroundtoPortMiddlebayHarbour,wheertheer'swhatwecallatown.''Mr.MicawberwasintheBushnearyou?'saidI.'Blessyou,yes,'saidMr.Peggotty,'andturnedtowithawill.Ineverwishtomeetabettergen'l'manforturningtowithawill.I'veseenthattheerbaldheadofhisaperspiringinthesun,Mas'rDavy,tillIa'mostthowtitwouldhavemeltedaway.Andnowhe'saMagistrate.''AMagistrate,eh?'saidI.Mr.Peggottypointedtoacertainparagraphinthenewspaper,whereIreadaloudasfollows,fromthePortMiddlebayTimes:'Thepublicdinnertoourdistinguishedfellow-colonistandtownsman,WILKINSMICAWBER,ESQUIRE,PortMiddlebayDistrictMagistrate,cameoffyesterdayinthelargeroomoftheHotel,whichwascrowdedtosuffocation.Itisestimatedthatnotfewerthanforty-sevenpersonsmusthavebeenaccommodatedwithdinnerat
onetime,exclusiveofthecompanyinthepassageandonthestairs.Thebeauty,fashion,andexclusivenessofPortMiddlebay,flockedtodohonourtoonesodeservedlyesteemed,sohighlytalented,andsowidelypopular.DoctorMell(ofColonialSalem-HouseGrammarSchool,PortMiddlebay)presided,andonhisrightsatthedistinguishedguest.Aftertheremovalofthecloth,andthesingingofNonNobis(beautifullyexecuted,andinwhichwewereatnolosstodistinguishthebell-likenotesofthatgiftedamateur,WILKINSMICAWBER,ESQUIRE,JUNIOR),theusualloyalandpatriotictoastswereseverallygivenandrapturouslyreceived.DoctorMell,inaspeechrepletewithfeeling,thenproposed"OurdistinguishedGuest,theornamentofourtown.Mayheneverleaveusbuttobetterhimself,andmayhissuccessamongusbesuchastorenderhisbetteringhimselfimpossible!"Thecheeringwithwhichthetoastwasreceiveddefiesdescription.Againandagainitroseandfell,likethewavesofocean.Atlengthallwashushed,andWILKINSMICAWBER,ESQUIRE,presentedhimselftoreturnthanks.Farbeitfromus,inthepresentcomparativelyimperfectstateoftheresourcesofourestablishment,toendeavourtofollowourdistinguishedtownsmanthroughthesmoothly-flowingperiodsofhispolishedandhighly-ornateaddress!Sufficeittoobserve,thatitwasamasterpieceofeloquence;andthatthosepassagesinwhichhemoreparticularlytracedhisownsuccessfulcareertoits
source,andwarnedtheyoungerportionofhisauditoryfromtheshoalsofeverincurringpecuniaryliabilitieswhichtheywereunabletoliquidate,broughtatearintothemanliesteyepresent.TheremainingtoastswereDOCTORMELL;Mrs.MICAWBER(whogracefullybowedheracknowledgementsfromtheside-door,whereagalaxyofbeautywaselevatedonchairs,atoncetowitnessandadornthegratifyingscene),Mrs.RIDGERBEGS(lateMissMicawber);Mrs.MELL;WILKINSMICAWBER,ESQUIRE,JUNIOR(whoconvulsedtheassemblybyhumorouslyremarkingthathefoundhimselfunabletoreturnthanksinaspeech,butwoulddoso,withtheirpermission,inasong);Mrs.MICAWBER'SFAMILY(wellknown,itisneedlesstoremark,inthemother-country),&c.&c.&c.Attheconclusionoftheproceedingsthetableswereclearedasifbyart-magicfordancing.AmongthevotariesofTERPSICHORE,whodisportedthemselvesuntilSolgavewarningfordeparture,WilkinsMicawber,Esquire,Junior,andthelovelyandaccomplishedMissHelena,fourthdaughterofDoctorMell,wereparticularlyremarkable.'IwaslookingbacktothenameofDoctorMell,pleasedtohavediscovered,inthesehappiercircumstances,Mr.Mell,formerlypoorpinchedushertomyMiddlesexmagistrate,whenMr.Peggottypointingtoanotherpartofthepaper,myeyesrestedonmyown
name,andIreadthus:'TODAVIDCOPPERFIELD,ESQUIRE,'THEEMINENTAUTHOR.'MyDearSir,'Yearshaveelapsed,sinceIhadanopportunityofocularlyperusingthelineaments,nowfamiliartotheimaginationsofaconsiderableportionofthecivilizedworld.'But,mydearSir,thoughestranged(bytheforceofcircumstancesoverwhichIhavehadnocontrol)fromthepersonalsocietyofthefriendandcompanionofmyyouth,Ihavenotbeenunmindfulofhissoaringflight.NorhaveIbeendebarred,Thoughseasbetweenusbraidha'roared,(BURNS)fromparticipatingintheintellectualfeastshehasspreadbeforeus.
'Icannot,therefore,allowofthedeparturefromthisplaceofanindividualwhomwemutuallyrespectandesteem,without,mydearSir,takingthispublicopportunityofthankingyou,onmyownbehalf,and,Imayundertaketoadd,onthatofthewholeoftheInhabitantsofPortMiddlebay,forthegratificationofwhichyouaretheministeringagent.'Goon,mydearSir!Youarenotunknownhere,youarenotunappreciated.Though"remote",weareneither"unfriended","melancholy",nor(Imayadd)"slow".Goon,mydearSir,inyourEaglecourse!TheinhabitantsofPortMiddlebaymayatleastaspiretowatchit,withdelight,withentertainment,withinstruction!'Amongtheeyeselevatedtowardsyoufromthisportionoftheglobe,willeverbefound,whileithaslightandlife,'The'Eye'Appertainingto'WILKINSMICAWBER,'Magistrate.'
Ifound,onglancingattheremainingcontentsofthenewspaper,thatMr.Micawberwasadiligentandesteemedcorrespondentofthatjournal.Therewasanotherletterfromhiminthesamepaper,touchingabridge;therewasanadvertisementofacollectionofsimilarlettersbyhim,tobeshortlyrepublished,inaneatvolume,'withconsiderableadditions';and,unlessIamverymuchmistaken,theLeadingArticlewashisalso.WetalkedmuchofMr.Micawber,onmanyothereveningswhileMr.Peggottyremainedwithus.Helivedwithusduringthewholetermofhisstay,-which,Ithink,wassomethinglessthanamonth,-andhissisterandmyauntcametoLondontoseehim.AgnesandIpartedfromhimaboard-ship,whenhesailed;andweshallneverpartfromhimmore,onearth.Butbeforeheleft,hewentwithmetoYarmouth,toseealittletabletIhadputupinthechurchyardtothememoryofHam.WhileIwascopyingtheplaininscriptionforhimathisrequest,Isawhimstoop,andgatheratuftofgrassfromthegraveandalittleearth.'ForEm'ly,'hesaid,asheputitinhisbreast.'Ipromised,
Mas'rDavy.'CHAPTER64ALASTRETROSPECTAndnowmywrittenstoryends.Ilookback,oncemore-forthelasttime-beforeIclosetheseleaves.Iseemyself,withAgnesatmyside,journeyingalongtheroadoflife.Iseeourchildrenandourfriendsaroundus;andIheartheroarofmanyvoices,notindifferenttomeasItravelon.Whatfacesarethemostdistincttomeinthefleetingcrowd?Lo,these;allturningtomeasIaskmythoughtsthequestion!Hereismyaunt,instrongerspectacles,anoldwomanoffour-scoreyearsandmore,butuprightyet,andasteadywalkerofsixmilesatastretchinwinterweather.Alwayswithher,herecomesPeggotty,mygoodoldnurse,likewiseinspectacles,accustomedtodoneedle-workatnightverycloseto
thelamp,butneversittingdowntoitwithoutabitofwaxcandle,ayard-measureinalittlehouse,andawork-boxwithapictureofSt.Paul'suponthelid.ThecheeksandarmsofPeggotty,sohardandredinmychildishdays,whenIwonderedwhythebirdsdidn'tpeckherinpreferencetoapples,areshrivellednow;andhereyes,thatusedtodarkentheirwholeneighbourhoodinherface,arefainter(thoughtheyglitterstill);butherroughforefinger,whichIonceassociatedwithapocketnutmeg-grater,isjustthesame,andwhenIseemyleastchildcatchingatitasittottersfrommyaunttoher,Ithinkofourlittleparlourathome,whenIcouldscarcelywalk.Myaunt'solddisappointmentissetright,now.SheisgodmothertoareallivingBetseyTrotwood;andDora(thenextinorder)saysshespoilsher.ThereissomethingbulkyinPeggotty'spocket.ItisnothingsmallerthantheCrocodileBook,whichisinratheradilapidatedconditionbythistime,withdiversoftheleavestornandstitchedacross,butwhichPeggottyexhibitstothechildrenasapreciousrelic.Ifinditverycurioustoseemyowninfantface,lookingupatmefromtheCrocodilestories;andtoberemindedbyitofmyoldacquaintanceBrooksofSheffield.
Amongmyboys,thissummerholidaytime,Iseeanoldmanmakinggiantkites,andgazingatthemintheair,withadelightforwhichtherearenowords.Hegreetsmerapturously,andwhispers,withmanynodsandwinks,'Trotwood,youwillbegladtohearthatIshallfinishtheMemorialwhenIhavenothingelsetodo,andthatyouraunt'sthemostextraordinarywomanintheworld,sir!'Whoisthisbentlady,supportingherselfbyastick,andshowingmeacountenanceinwhichtherearesometracesofoldprideandbeauty,feeblycontendingwithaquerulous,imbecile,fretfulwanderingofthemind?Sheisinagarden;andnearherstandsasharp,dark,witheredwoman,withawhitescaronherlip.Letmehearwhattheysay.'Rosa,Ihaveforgottenthisgentleman'sname.'Rosabendsoverher,andcallstoher,'Mr.Copperfield.''Iamgladtoseeyou,sir.Iamsorrytoobserveyouareinmourning.IhopeTimewillbegoodtoyou.'Herimpatientattendantscoldsher,tellsherIamnotinmourning,
bidsherlookagain,triestorouseher.'Youhaveseenmyson,sir,'saystheelderlady.'Areyoureconciled?'Lookingfixedlyatme,sheputsherhandtoherforehead,andmoans.Suddenly,shecries,inaterriblevoice,'Rosa,cometome.Heisdead!'Rosakneelingatherfeet,byturnscaressesher,andquarrelswithher;nowfiercelytellingher,'Ilovedhimbetterthanyoueverdid!'-nowsoothinghertosleeponherbreast,likeasickchild.ThusIleavethem;thusIalwaysfindthem;thustheyweartheirtimeaway,fromyeartoyear.WhatshipcomessailinghomefromIndia,andwhatEnglishladyisthis,marriedtoagrowlingoldScotchCroesuswithgreatflapsofears?CanthisbeJuliaMills?IndeeditisJuliaMills,peevishandfine,withablackmantocarrycardsandletterstoheronagoldensalver,andacopper-colouredwomaninlinen,withabrighthandkerchiefroundherhead,toserveherTiffininherdressing-room.ButJuliakeepsnodiaryinthesedays;neversingsAffection'sDirge;eternallyquarrelswiththeoldScotchCroesus,whoisasortof
yellowbearwithatannedhide.Juliaissteepedinmoneytothethroat,andtalksandthinksofnothingelse.IlikedherbetterintheDesertofSahara.OrperhapsthisIStheDesertofSahara!For,thoughJuliahasastatelyhouse,andmightycompany,andsumptuousdinnerseveryday,Iseenogreengrowthnearher;nothingthatcanevercometofruitorflower.WhatJuliacalls'society',Isee;amongitMr.JackMaldon,fromhisPatentPlace,sneeringatthehandthatgaveithim,andspeakingtomeoftheDoctoras'socharminglyantique'.Butwhensocietyisthenameforsuchhollowgentlemenandladies,Julia,andwhenitsbreedingisprofessedindifferencetoeverythingthatcanadvanceorcanretardmankind,IthinkwemusthavelostourselvesinthatsameDesertofSahara,andhadbetterfindthewayout.Andlo,theDoctor,alwaysourgoodfriend,labouringathisDictionary(somewhereabouttheletterD),andhappyinhishomeandwife.AlsotheOldSoldier,onaconsiderablyreducedfooting,andbynomeanssoinfluentialasindaysofyore!WorkingathischambersintheTemple,withabusyaspect,andhishair(whereheisnotbald)mademorerebelliousthaneverbythe
constantfrictionofhislawyer's-wig,Icome,inalatertime,uponmydearoldTraddles.Histableiscoveredwiththickpilesofpapers;andIsay,asIlookaroundme:'IfSophywereyourclerk,now,Traddles,shewouldhaveenoughtodo!''Youmaysaythat,mydearCopperfield!Butthosewerecapitaldays,too,inHolbornCourt!Weretheynot?''Whenshetoldyouyouwouldbeajudge?Butitwasnotthetowntalkthen!''Atallevents,'saysTraddles,'ifIeveramone-''Why,youknowyouwillbe.''Well,mydearCopperfield,WHENIamone,Ishalltellthestory,asIsaidIwould.'Wewalkaway,arminarm.IamgoingtohaveafamilydinnerwithTraddles.ItisSophy'sbirthday;and,onourroad,Traddlesdiscoursestomeofthegoodfortunehehasenjoyed.
'Ireallyhavebeenable,mydearCopperfield,todoallthatIhadmostatheart.There'stheReverendHoracepromotedtothatlivingatfourhundredandfiftypoundsayear;thereareourtwoboysreceivingtheverybesteducation,anddistinguishingthemselvesassteadyscholarsandgoodfellows;therearethreeofthegirlsmarriedverycomfortably;therearethreemorelivingwithus;therearethreemorekeepinghousefortheReverendHoracesinceMrs.Crewler'sdecease;andallofthemhappy.''Except-'Isuggest.'ExcepttheBeauty,'saysTraddles.'Yes.Itwasveryunfortunatethatsheshouldmarrysuchavagabond.Buttherewasacertaindashandglareabouthimthatcaughther.However,nowwehavegothersafeatourhouse,andgotridofhim,wemustcheerherupagain.'Traddles'shouseisoneoftheveryhouses-oriteasilymayhavebeen-whichheandSophyusedtoparcelout,intheireveningwalks.Itisalargehouse;butTraddleskeepshispapersinhisdressing-roomandhisbootswithhispapers;andheandSophysqueezethemselvesintoupperrooms,reservingthebestbedroomsfortheBeautyandthegirls.Thereisnoroomtospareinthe
house;formoreof'thegirls'arehere,andalwaysarehere,bysomeaccidentorother,thanIknowhowtocount.Here,whenwegoin,isacrowdofthem,runningdowntothedoor,andhandingTraddlesabouttobekissed,untilheisoutofbreath.Here,establishedinperpetuity,isthepoorBeauty,awidowwithalittlegirl;here,atdinneronSophy'sbirthday,arethethreemarriedgirlswiththeirthreehusbands,andoneofthehusband'sbrothers,andanotherhusband'scousin,andanotherhusband'ssister,whoappearstometobeengagedtothecousin.Traddles,exactlythesamesimple,unaffectedfellowasheeverwas,sitsatthefootofthelargetablelikeaPatriarch;andSophybeamsuponhim,fromthehead,acrossacheerfulspacethatiscertainlynotglitteringwithBritanniametal.Andnow,asIclosemytask,subduingmydesiretolingeryet,thesefacesfadeaway.Butoneface,shiningonmelikeaHeavenlylightbywhichIseeallotherobjects,isabovethemandbeyondthemall.Andthatremains.Iturnmyhead,andseeit,initsbeautifulserenity,besideme.Mylampburnslow,andIhavewrittenfarintothenight;butthedearpresence,withoutwhichIwerenothing,bearsmecompany.
OAgnes,Omysoul,somaythyfacebebymewhenIclosemylifeindeed;somayI,whenrealitiesaremeltingfromme,liketheshadowswhichInowdismiss,stillfindtheenearme,pointingupward!End
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